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EVERYONE WHO IS ANYONE seems to be moving to Portland. The music scene? Incredibly diverse, says Gragg. “It hasn’t
I ran into a friend at Whole Foods the other day, who developed a particular sound. There’s a lot of cross-breeding of
cheerfully told me she was about to relocate to Portland. Then interests, some of which are very musically obscure.”
our coworker announced he was pulling up stakes and heading Affordable housing and a cappella performances of Me-
for Portland. And local burlesque artist Violetta Berretta? She, dieval Byzantine music! Man, Portland was starting to sound
too, was off to shake her tail feathers in—everybody say it with hard to resist. Surely, there must something wrong with the
me, now—Portland. place?
Hawai‘i’s music scene “Our unemployment rate
is hemorrhaging talent. is really high,” says Gragg.
Downtown Charley and the “We’re befuddled because
Humbones lost a member to people keep moving here and
Portland’s siren call. Cogito there’s no place to work. And,
moved to Portland, as did the people drive really slow here.
Quintessentials. By the time Slowly and sloppily.”
I’d even heard of All the Ap- Ah, befuddled and sloppy:
paratus, I was too late. “The A natural segue for my ques-
last two members of our band tion on dating in Portland.
board a plane for our new “My single women
home of Portland, Oregon,” friends find the dating scene
read the band’s newsletter. tepid,” laughs Gragg. “The
“Yes, it’s true! We are men are very passive. There
moving!” are a lot of hipster dudes;
Clearly, there’s an exodus they’re content to sit in a bar
in progress, and if it keeps up and read Proust.”
at this pace, O‘ahu will soon Has Gragg had any
be a ghost town, while Oregon friends move to Hawai‘i, per-
bulges under the weight of haps hot on the trail of Men
905,034 new residents. Who Do Not Enjoy Proust?
I’m not sure I’m ready No, just one couple, who left
to move to Portland, land of Portland for our shores to
espresso fanatics and entre- surf.
preneurs. City of vegan muf- Here’s how the score
fins. County of DIY crafters. stands: Honolulu is down,
The place is so hip, the mayor like, 3,000 people; Portland,
PHOTO: LINNY MORRIS, ILLUSTRATION: JING JING TSONG

is named Sam Adams. down two measly Orego-

But I know all of this second hand. To get the real dirt on
Portland, I questioned an expert: Randy Gragg, the editor-in-
chief of Portland Monthly. Why, I asked him, are we losing all
our population to your fair city?
“It’s the golden era for Portland,” he said. “There are lot of
writers, art, music and performance. There’s an extraordinary
food scene.” And, he added, “It’s still the cheapest West Coast
city.”
(I ran a cost-of-living analysis via “Sperling’s Best Places,”
and found that Portland is 39 percent cheaper than Honolulu,
with housing costs being the biggest factor.)
nians. On the plus side, I read that Hawai‘i leads the nation in
percentage of millionaires in the population. And, we are home
to more 100-year-olds per capita than any other state. Take
that, inexpensive, latte-loving West Coast cities that I shall not
name!
Besides, our mayor may not be named after a beer, but he
can sing and he’s probably a lot taller than Portland’s mayor.
For more of Wagner’s writing, see her “Guilty Pleasures” blog at
honolulumagazine.com.

144 MARCH 2010 www.honolulumagazine.com

03-10_Afterthoughts.indd 144 2/8/10 2:40:42 PM