Assertive, Passive & Aggressive

AGGRESSION IS:
• getting your own way, no matter what
• getting your point across at other people’s expense
• getting people to do things they don’t want to do
• being loud or violent
• interrupting others
• winningat all costs
• always putting your own needs first

PASSIVITY IS:
• keeping quiet for fear of upsetting people
• avoiding conflict
• saying yes when you want to say no
• always putting other people’s needs first
• going along with things you don’t like or agree with
• apologizing excessively
• inwardlyburning with anger and frustration
• being vague about your ideas and what you want
• justifying your actions to other people
• appearing indecisive

ASSERTIVENESSIS:
• being open and honest with yourselfand other people
• listening to other people’s points of view
• showing understanding of other people’s situations
• having self-respect and respect for others
• dealing with your feelings
• dealing with conflict
• being equal
• expressing ideas clearly, but not at the expense of others
• compromising

BY COMMUNICATING ASSERT IV ELY:

• your self-confidenceincreases
• you stand a better chance of getting what you need to take
care of yourself
• you are properly understood
• other people know exactly where they are with you
• you are more open to receiving feedback
• your relationshipsare based on reality rather than illusion
• you feel better for expressing your feelings
• you have fewer situations that are unresolved
• even if y o u do not resolve a situations, you feel better for
having tried
Elsa-Fortis
Confidential
A COMPARISON OF PA S S IV E ,A S S E R T IV EAND
, AGGRESSIVEBEHAVIOUR

PASSIVE ASSERT IV E AGGRESSIVE

Characteristi Does not Expresses Expresses
cs of the express wants, ideas, wants, ideas,
behav- iour wants, ideas, and feel- ings and feelings at
and feelings, in direct and the expense of
or expresses appropriate others.
them in self- ways.
deprecating Intent: to
way. Intent: to dominate.
commu-
Your feelings Anxious,disap- Confident, feel Self-righteous,
when you pointed with good about su- perior.
act this way yourself. your- self at Sometimes
Often angry the time and embarrassed
and resent- later. later.
ful later.
Other people’s Guilty or Respected, Overpowered,
feelings about superior. valued. hurt.
themselves
when you act
this way
Other Irritation, Usually respect. Angry, vengeful.
people’s pity,
feelings about disgust.
you when you
act this way
Outcome Don’t get Often get Often get what
what you what you you want at the
want; anger want. expense of
builds up. others. Others
feel justifiesat
“getting even”.

Payoff Avoid Feels good; Feels superior,

unpleasant respected by pow- erful, you
situation, others. get what you
avoid conflict, Improved self- want.
tension, confidence.
confrontation. Relationships
are improved.
Elsa-Fortis
Confidential
BODY LANGUAGE

Assertivebody language adds strength and emphasis to what is being

said, and
is generally self-assured and calm. It reinforces the verbal message
by sending the same message as the verbal message.

Aggressivebody language conveys an exaggerated sense of self-

importance, strength, and/or an air of superiority. Even whenyour
verbal message is assertive, y o u w ill reduce its effectiveness if your
body language is conveyingan aggressive message. A n example of
this, when a person slams a book down on the table as they tell you,
“I am not angry with you.”

Passive body language conveys weakness, anxiety, and lack of self-

confidence. It softens the impact of what is being said to the point
that the verbal message loses most of its power. This is particularly
true when the person’s verbal message and body language are in
conflictwith each other, for example, laughing when saying, “I’m really
angry with you.”

In general when there is such a discrepancy between a verbal

message and a body language message, other people seem to take
the body language message more seriously.

Elsa-Fortis
Confidential
E Y E CONTACT
ASSERTIV E AGGRESSIVE PASSIVE
· com fortablydirect · staring intensely · lookin g away or
· staring off into down
distance with bored · blin king rapidly.
expression
FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
· open, frank, · clenching teeth · constant smiling
relaxed · flaring nostrils · smiling,
· jutting jaws laughing, or winking
· pursed, when expressing
tightlipped mouth irritation
· biting or wetting
lips
· sw allow ingor
clearing throat
· tensing and
VOICE and SPEECH EXPRESSIONS
· appropriately firm · o v e rlyrapid · o v e rlysoft
· appropriately warm · deadly quiet · mumbled
· expressive, · o v e rlyloud or · whiny
emphasis- ing key strident · monotone
words · sarcastic or conde- · o v e rlyslow
· clear scending
GESTURES
· well-balanced · pounding fists · covering m outh or
· erect · stiff and rigid lower face with hand
· relaxed · finger waving or · excessive head
· hand gestures, pointi- ing nodding
empha- sising key · shaking head as if · tinkering with
words other person isn’t to clothing or jewellery
be believed · constant
· hands on hips shifting of weight
· scratching or
rubbing head or
other parts of body
· w ring in gor
rubbing hands
· w ooden body
posture

Elsa-Fortis
Confidential