Listening spot -- 2 min 30 seconds 457 words

Jeff: When we conducted a national survey of women for our book, For Men Only, we learned that one of the highest felt needs for many women was for their husbands to listen to them. Now, every guy has heard, she doesnt want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen. But probably every guy out there has been as confused as I was about what in the world that means. For me, I always thought it was okay, Ill let Shaunti talk about whatever is on her mind. And I sit there and dont interrupt. And when shes done talking, then I fix it. Surprise, surprise, that actually wasnt the right approach. SCF: It turns out guys, when we were doing the research for For Men Only our interviews and surveys of women helped us identity specifically what listening means to us women. Turns out, it is just a shift in focus. From what I understand, you men have trained yourselves your whole life that when someone comes to you with strong emotions that those emotions are counterproductive and clutter up your ability to solve the problem at hand. So you filter out all those emotions, in order to focus in on the problem. But it turns out: those feelings that you are so busy filtering out are what she most wants you to listen to! Instead, you need to put your Mr. Fix-it hat on the other way, and learn to filter out the problem in order to focus in on the feelings. If you figure out what she is feeling, and just say something like, Im sorry, honey, did you feel like your friend didnt appreciate such-and-such? then she will feel like shes been heard. All those jangling emotions have been defused, and then if a solution to the problem is needed, she will be much more interested in sitting down side-by-side and figuring out what it is. Jeff: Now, for us guys, this may feel really odd. It feels sort of wimpy to just listen and acknowledge feelings it feels like I didnt accomplish anything there! But after all this research with women, I can assure you: if you do this, you will actually be solving something for her. And we arent saying you cant offer any technical solutions. But we are saying to do things in the right order. First, identify and acknowledge her feelings. Then shell be more interested in your brilliant problem-solving skills. Realize, guys, our wives are smart they appreciate our solutions, but if they had to, they could probably come up with a solution on their own. What they cant do, is feel listened to on their own. Give it a try, guys, it works.

Windows 574 words

Jeff: I think every guys has been confused when theyve been having a conversation with their wife on a particular topic, and out of nowhere, she brings up an entirely different issue that seems completely unrelated -- something you had discussed weeks ago. Or she seems fixated on something that she cant do anything about, and then shes annoyed by your suggestion that she just let it go. What is going on when that happens? Well, believe it or not, women arent as random and scattered as we might have thought. It turns out, there is a very good reason why our wife keeps bringing up something that is bugging her. SCF: It turns out, guys, our interviews and surveys with hundreds of women for our book For Men Only demonstrated that women process thoughts and emotions very differently than men do. Yes, I know thats a shocker. But really, theres a word picture that might help you get this. See, you men process thoughts sort of like a computer desktop that has one window open at a time. You work on that one window, click the X, close it, and move on to the next thought. You open that window, work on it for a while, click the X, and so on. You process one thing at a time. Well, a womans brain is like a computer desktop that has 10 windows all open at once! We women are processing lots of thoughts and feelings all at once, and are bouncing back and forth between all those windows all at the same time. And theres something else you need to know, too Jeff: I take my life in my hands when I use this analogy, but I tell Shaunti that its almost like her system is infected with some sort of spy-ware. Just like pop-ups on a computer screen, women have these thoughts and concerns that pop up out of nowhere often, issues that have been bugging them, that havent been resolved. And because its sort of like a spy-ware pop-up, they cant just close out that thought that is bugging them. Its like they click the X and that window comes right back up. SCF: Most guys have the ability to just not think about something that is bugging them, but when a man tells his wife to do that, we dont know what that means! Our survey showed that most women dont have the ability to just not think about it. Instead guys, heres what you can do. First, realize that she probably cant just ignore something thats bugging her. She needs to take some action to resolve that open window or itll keep coming back! And she needs to know that you are encouraging her in that, rather than saying it shouldnt be bothering you. But also, guys, realize this: you could also look on this as a chance for you to do something to help her resolve it and you get some major brownie points! Its usually something pretty simple, like, Honey, why dont I call the restaurant to see if someone turned in your wallet?

Jeff: Trust me, guys, I have seen from personal experience that once you know what to look for, its really easy to recognize when she has an open window in her brain and that you can have a part to play in helping her resolve it. Give it a try, guys. It works.

Security 536 words

Jeff: Many guys that I know often feel like they are caught between a rock and a hard place. They are busting their tales at work, feeling the stress and sometimes putting in long hours so that they can provide for their families provide a lifestyle that they think their wives need and want. Yet, all too often they feel their wife doesnt understand this pressure, especially when they hear those dreaded words, Cant you just tell your boss that you need to work fewer hours? Whats a guy to do? Weve all heard that women need and desire security. So how come when we are trying our best to provide that securityeven sticking with a job that we may not care for or that carries tons of stressthat we still feel like were not able to get it quite right for her? SCF: When we started the research for For Men Only, to help men understand women, we tried to figure out where the disconnect might be. I suggested that we do a chapter on this issue of security, but Jeff was puzzled. Jeff: I said every guy knows that women need security. The book was only going to be about the surprises that guys tend not to get about women, and I didnt think her need for security was a surprise. SCF: But then I asked Jeff what he thought we women meant by security Jeff: I said well, it means you want to be sure that youll be provided for to know that the mortgage is going to be paid, that there will be food on the table, and that we have a little money put away for retirement. SCF: I was like, You mean financial security? Jeff: Right, what else is there? SCF: At that point, I told Jeff that financial security was important, but it wasnt nearly as important to most women as emotional security for example, knowing that we will always be close, and that he will always be there for me. And that is so much more important to women than all those things that so many guys are working so hard to provide. Jeff: I didnt believe her then. And Ill be honest even though our interviews and surveys of thousands of women confirmed that this was right, it is still hard for me to believe this. But it turns out guys, we can be encouraged by this: because not only does your wife want you more than any thing you could provide; she would actually give up

some sense of financial security or downsize her lifestyle if that is what it took for you to have a more family-friendly job that you enjoyed more, and allowed you to be home with the family. Id encourage you: if you feel caught between a rock and a hard place, use these findings as an opportunity to have a conversation with your wife about whether she really would be happier with an older car or a shorter vacation if that is what it took to get more of you. Youll never know unless you talk about it. Dont just believe us, guys. Give it a try. It works.

Romance -- 580 words

SCF: All of us have seen and chuckled at those sitcoms that show a bumbling husband forgetting his wifes birthday, or frantically scrambling to find a lame anniversary gift at the last minute. And how many times have we seen the handy but insensitive home-renovation guru buy his wife something like a power saw for Valentines Day? Right, Jeff? Jeff: Oh, yeah Ive seen those. Or he buys her a set of cookware or something, thinking hes being reeeeally smooth. SCF: Well, we women laugh at these TV shows because we think men are kind of bumbling and just dont want romance. The problem is, my interviews and surveys with hundreds of men for my book For Women Only demonstrated that that pop-culture idea simply isnt true! In fact, I was shocked to discover that men desire romance just as much as their wives do! These days, I speak all over the country to womens groups, and invariably, when I tell them that men want romance, too, women usually ask me, Well, if he wants romance, why doesnt he do something about it??!! It turns out, all that research of men actually shows two different reasons why we dont see them as being willing to do something about it. Jeff: The first reason is actually one that many women may not have thought of: us guys just feel a little clumsy at romance. We want it, but doing those romantic things doesnt come naturally, and so we doubt we can do a good job. Secretly, inside, were just insecure about it. So we hesitate, and we really need encouragement from our wives. SCF: One guys I interviewed said, we just feel left-handed romantically. And another guy said, You know, for example, if you were my wife, Ill make myself a fool for you. But if you tease me about not quite getting the candlelight dinner right, itll be five years before I try that again. And maybe not then! Jeff: Theres a principle I think would help some women no matter how confident your man may look, chances are he secretly doubts himself. So if you can realize that on romantic things that he needs your encouragement, and give it to him, what you celebrate will be repeated! SCF: The other thing we women often dont realize is that romance sometimes just looks different for a guy. Guys want to go out and do things together and find that romantic.

Jeff: While I dont think most guys would admit that taking their wife to Home Depot was a romantic event, they would say it feels pretty cool. Just being together and doing something with her. It feels really natural; something you can easily do, together, for the rest of your lives. While that big romantic event that takes days to plan feels pretty intimidating, and even artificial. And its certainly not something that us guys feel that we can consistently pull off. That said, if our wives will encourage us in those big romantic events and tell us that she really craves it every now and then if she tells us how wonderful it was, and how well we did it, and that she is still thinking about it a month or two later -- well run through a wall to do it for her again. SCF: I heard that over and over from the guys I interviewed. But dont believe us, ladies. Give it a try, and see what happens!

Respect
SCF: I remember a year or so ago around Mothers Day, Jeff and I were watching television one night when we saw a commercial for Publix, one of the big grocery-store chains in our area. The television ad showed several scenes of different men in different houses, secretly helping their kids cook breakfast for Mom, then prepare to bring her breakfast in bed. The dads were all helping the little ones measure out flour for pancakes, cooking sausage, even squeezing fresh orange juice, and arranging the trays just so. At the end of the ad, it showed each gleeful husband and kids sneaking toward the Master bedroom to deliver the goods. I still remember how Jeff turned to me in astonishment, and said, That advertisement was amazing every single one of those men looked incredibly competent! I had often noticed and remarked on how much our culture bashes men, but until Jeff said that I dont think I had ever really considered what it must be like to be a man these days and to endure hundreds of advertisements and sitcoms that show men as, essentially, buffoons. Any spot that would show women as the buffoons would be quickly condemned, but it has become so OK to show disrespect to men that we were astounded when an ad actually showed them looking competent! After years of doing research into how men think and feel, and doing interviews and surveys of more than 1500 men for my book For Women Only, I realized that this subconscious disrespect of men has worked its way into our relationships with them and is doing incalculable damage. Because, as I and others have found in our research, what men most need from their wives is actually respect. In fact, in my survey, three out of four men said that if they had to, they would actually give up feeling that their wife loved them, if they could just feel that she respected them. When I started understanding what I was seeing in the research, I was astounded that most men said if they had to make the choice, they would be willing to feel unloved if they could just feel that their wife respected them, trusted them, believed in them and admired them and all those things were more important to the average guy even than feeling loved. I think because weve grown so used to a subtle or not so subtle! level of disrespect, that we dont realize how often it creeps into our relationships with our husband. So we as women are really good at showing love, and well say honey I love you and do all these things we hope hell see as loving but at the same time without realizing it! were often criticizing him frequently, or questioning his decisions all the time, or teasing him in public about not being able to fix those broken cabinets in the kitchen and any man hearing that is going to feel like she just does not respect me. And since that is his worst feeling, he wont feel loved.

Im going to issue a plea to all the women listening to this spot: if you see any of yourself in this description, learn to look for those things you can respect about your man, and tell him. Build him up. So many men told me that they would run through a brick wall for a woman who made them feel like they were their hero. Make him feel like you believe he is competent and could make you breakfast in bed and you might just be surprised one day!

Listening #2 idea for another listening spot Every guy has had this dreaded moment in their lives: Its 11:30 at night. Youre exhausted from a long day at work, and your wife says we need to talk. Thats happened to Shaunti and me on more than one occasion. It wasnt until I interviewed and surveyed hundreds of women for For Women Only that I realized there are some simple things us guys can do in order to avoid those late-night talks that might actually stretch into the early morning. Because all of us guys know, no good can come from a conversation when were trying to listen, but our brains are shutting off! The temptation in those situations, is to become try to be as efficient as possible, but instead. Men dont realize the value of affirming our feelings when they seem irrational or out of proportion to them. If a man could just grasp the value of that, he could cut arguments or long discussion times in half. quote from a woman, FMO, p. 114

10