Managing Differences

Getting the others to work with you not against you

Your mental map for effective action

Ana Gonalves October 2010

This course is..

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Not about avoiding conflict or difficult situations

Avoiding is not only impossible but indesirable!

About discovering productive ways of handling conflict, about understand why the others are different
Ways that make a difference in all areas of our lives
Work Colleagues

Friends Girlfriends Boyfriends Salespeople Bosses

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Session today 2/10/2010 Workshop methodology

Vdeo; group exchange; feedback exchange

Expectations regarding session attendance

RESPECT of values, identity needs of the other

Individual Assignment
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Preparation for assignement

Choose an interpersonal situation you have today that you are not confortable with and that you want to change.

Report on the situation, on your behaviour and the taughts you have about it, and your personal plan established at the end of the session
Minimum 400 words Portuguese, French or English
By 16th of October, 23h59

To be delivered by email: mandiff102010@gmail.com em cpia ana@anagoncalves.com

Name, name of workshop, name of report
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AGENDA
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Understanding Conflict

Behaviour we use to resolve conflict

The principles of a dialog approach Your profile towards conflict Successful dialogs
A core competency: Use of mediation techniques in a simple 4 step process

Understanding Conflict
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Conflict
what does that cover? What does it mean to you? (write down to after share with the group)

Think of a conflict which has been handled in a destructive way. What are some of the outcomes in such a case? Think of a conflict which has been handled constructively. What are some of the outcomes in such a case?
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Conflict is . . .
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any situation

in which your
concerns or desires

differ from those of

another person

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Levels of Conflict
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How do we know there's a conflict happening?

There may be some very obvious signs which we can easily recognize, or there may only be a few subtle clues. It is this range that we're going to explore now.

Levels of conflict
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Discomforts

Incidents

Misunderstandings

STAY ALERT!

Tension

Crisis
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Tools
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A range of skills for dealing with conflict.

These skills are like tools;

we pull one or more out of the kit to suit a particular conflict. The rest sit in the kit ready to be used in another context.

Just as a tool can be used in many situations, so too can these skills.
We can use the same skill dealing with our young brothers and sisters, as we might with a colleague at the university or at work or with our parents or our superiors at work.
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Conclusion
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Ah, CONFLICT!
WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY!!!

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Behaviour we use to resolve conflict

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How many of you hearing having all your wishes granted thought there are to be a winner and a loser? That it was a competition? Who discussed it with the partners?

Winning over vs winning with

We often behave in certain ways from habit rather from choice. This means we lose flexibility in our approach to conflict.

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How We Behave in Conflict

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What behaviors show that conflict is present?

avoiding

raised voices

threatening
facial expressions withholding information

getting the boss to take sides

getting co-workers to take sides

pre-empting
agitation body posture

shouting
hostile gestures silent treatment

not returning messages

no eye contact
. . . others?
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Discovering Our Wrong Reflexes

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Flight

Fight

avoiding
withdrawing withholding information

threatening
pre-empting getting others to take sides shouting hostile gestures
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not returning messages

silent treatment

Discovering Our Wrong Reflexes

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The nature of conflict

Distancing = Walk-aways

Coercion = Power-plays

avoiding withdrawing withholding information not returning messages silent treatment

threatening pre-empting getting others to take sides shouting hostile gestures

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Group activity Behaviours in Conflict

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FIGHT

I win/ You lose

Hard on the people/ Hard on the issue

Aggressive

The intention which may be unconscious, is to come down hard on the issue, with little concern for the person.

FLIGHT

I lose/ You win

Passive

Soft/Hard on the people/ Hard on the issue

The intention, which may be unconscious, is to protect ourselves rather than deal with the problem. By not confronting, the immediate result is relatively soft on the person.

FLOW

I Win/ You win Soft on the people/ Hard on the issue

Assertive

The intention is to solve the issue whilst respecting everyone in the conflict.
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The principles of a dialog approach

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A story

Needs first Solution later

Compromise

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The principles of a dialog approach

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Why use a flow attitude? What are the benefits?

increases productivity encourages creativity in people results in good quality solutions elicits commitment from people focuses people's energy and attention on solving problems rather than fighting with each other.

Read the Key Features of the Flow attitude

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Understanding the Conflict Modes

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Assertiveness

Two basic aspects of all

Conflict-handling modes

Cooperativeness

Your Conflict = Mode

Skill

Situation

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The Five Conflict-Handling Modes

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Copyright 1996 by Xicom, Incorporated. Revised binder 2003 by CPP, Inc. Xicom, Incorporated, is a subsidiary of CPP, Inc. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this overhead for workshop use only.

From Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument by K. W. Thomas and R. H. Kilmann, 1974, 2000. Mountain View, CA: Xicom, Incorporated, subsidiary of CPP, Inc. Copyright 1974, 2000 by CPP, Inc. Used with permission.

The Cardinal Rules of Dialogue

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The Dialog requires the Cardinal Rules: 1) No Walk-aways We must stay in the room 2) No Power-plays We must not impose one-sided solutions

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The Retaliatory Cycle

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Conflict follows a predictable path through each of the three aspects of human experience

Trigger Repetition
Power-plays

Acting out
Behavior
Actions taken to protect ourselves in response to the perceived risk

Walk-aways

Perception of threat
Cognition
Thoughts Ideas Perceptions

Protection
Emotion
Anger Fear Hurt
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Effects of Workplace Conflict

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Why does it matter to the organization?

Costs Risks

Impact on decision quality

The hidden cancer in organizational success

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Calculating the Cost of Conflict

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Cost factors:
#1: Wasted time #2: Opportunity cost of wasted time #3: Lowered job motivation and productivity #4: Lost performance due to conflict-related absenteeism #5: Loss of investment in skilled employees #6: Conflict-incited theft, sabotage, vandalism, and damage #7: Restructuring around the problem #8: Health costs #9: Degraded decision quality

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The Conciliatory Cycle

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Retaliatory Cycle explains how we make war

Conciliatory Cycle explains how we make peace

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Conciliatory Gestures
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Apologizing Owning responsibility Conceding Self-disclosing Expressing positive feelings Initiating both-gain

Voluntary statements of vulnerability

The magic ingredient a dialog

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
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The Conciliatory Cycle

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Person As Conciliatory Gesture Repetition

stimulates

produces
Person As Inhibitory Reflex

Person Bs Inhibitory Reflex

Instinctive response to perception of others vulnerability

stimulates
Person Bs Conciliatory Gesture
2003, 2006 by Dana Mediation, Inc. All rights reserved.

produces
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Breakthrough
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A mutual attitude shift from me against you to us against the problem

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Self Mediation - 4 step process

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Step 1: Find a time to talk A conversation about having a conversation No communication = no solution Step 2: Plan the context Remove the land mines Protect the dialogue Step 3: Talk it out Do two simple tasks Use natural forces toward harmony to produce the Breakthrough

Step 4: Make a deal Plan the future

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Criteria for using Self Mediation

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On-going interdependent relationship

Two people in the dialogue Clash level

No/low risk of reprisal (if power imbalance, then

trust)
No risk of physical violence

Mara, as the initiator of Self Mediation, must define the business problem in the form of an issue statement . . . I would like to talk with you about X. What is X?

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7
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Issue Statements
Criteria:
Unbiased - impartial to either of us?
Objective - does not place blame? Specific - so the other knows exactly what is to be

solved?
Resolvable do we have the authority to solve it? Concise brief?
A problem well-defined is a problem half-solved.

General model:
Im concerned about the business outcome at risk.

Ive noticed evidence (observable behavior / facts) of a problem.

Id like for us to find a solution to the difficulty we are having in working together to ensure the business outcome.

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Step 1: Find a Time to Talk

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The Approach
Choose when and where

Choose to Dialogue!

The Issue Statement

The reason we need to talk

The Request

The Sale (?)

#1 Acknowledge objection #2 Show benefit to Other #3 Ask again

The Cardinal Rules (?)

#1: No Distancing Walk aways #2: No Coercion Power plays

The Time & Place

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Step 2: Plan the Context

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A checklist

Where?

Physical comforts

Private No telephones / cell phones No walk-ins

Seating Noise Temperature Liquids

When?

Tissues?

Enough time?

No scheduling conflicts
How soon after Step 1? Too tired?

Other considerations?

Protect the meeting from all interruptions and distractions

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How to Talk It Out

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What does Mara accomplish in her opening statement? How (and why) does she invite Jordan to speak? Once their dialogue begins, what tasks does she perform?
1) Expresses appreciation Thanks for joining me. 2) Expresses optimism 3) Reminds about the Cardinal Rules Ive made arrangements to not be interruptedhave you too? 4) Puts focus on the issue to resolve My understanding of the problem were here to solve isand yours?

Reduces his perception of threat

Ref.
Retaliatory Cycle

Im hopeful we can find a way to work together better.

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How to Talk It Out

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What does Mara accomplish in her opening statement? How (and why) does she invite Jordan to speak? Once their dialogue begins, what tasks does she perform?

Start the dialogue by listening, not by telling. Help me understand you. Reduces his perception of threat

Ref.

Retaliatory
Cycle

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Step 3: Talk It Out

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The Opening

Express appreciation Express optimism Review Cardinal Rules?

#1: Lets not quit talking until we agree. #2: Lets not push a one-sided solution.

State the issue The Invitation Help me understand you The Dialogue Task #1: Remain in the Dialog

Prevent violations of the Cardinal Rules

Task #2: Support Conciliatory Gestures

Voluntary statements of vulnerability

The Breakthrough
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Step 4: Make a Deal

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Balanced
Both of us benefit. We share sacrifices and compromises.

Behaviorally specific
What we will do, not what we may think or feel.

Written
A record of what each one will do in the future.
I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends. ~ Dave Barry

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Competing and Cooperating

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Competition

Cooperation
Integrative dimension
Creating value Enlarging the pie

Distributive dimension
Claiming value Slicing the pie

Key idea: Take into account other partys interests without forgeting your own interests

Self mediation
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Self Mediation for successful dialogs, a practical communication tool for resolving conflicts between yourself and others . . .
When to use . . . How to use . . . When not to use . . .

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Personal Action Plan

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Develop a personal action plan for putting your learnings about Self Mediation into practice

My Action Plan (Name:________________________________________) Good intentions at the close of an inspiring workshop can fade when the crush of daily duties nudges them out of awareness. An action plan can help ensure application of learning's you have gained during these sessions. Write in detail: What Im going to do:

When Im going to do it:

How Im going to do it: Who it involves, or who I need to help me: Where Im going to do it: Resources I need to get it done: Insights I have when doing it:

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Personal Action Plan

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A goal without a plan is just a wish.

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4
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Congratulations

and thank you!

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