BLUNT HONESTY FROM A RELIGION STUDENT ________

Kristi Lynn Hovis December 29, 2009 Missouri Baptist University

Intro (Heed the Warning Bell)

This paper documents the Lords work in me from last spring through August. Using the idea of a friend, I have arranged the contents as a song. My story makes up the verses, and Ephesians 3:14-5:2 makes up the refrain. As such, I have strung the Scripture passages throughout the story. I have included some reactions I had to these Scriptures upon reading them in August, so you can understand the impact they had on me. (These reactions are not from study.)

Through my internship with Meadow Heights, Fusion by Nelson Searcy, heart-oriented people, sermons, and, above all, Scripture, our Lord Jesus Christ has wrought a change of heart. He softened my heart and made me realize that knowledge is more than intellectual knowledge. He also changed my views on church. Ephesians 3:14-5:2 exemplifies these lessons and seem to have been the culmination.

It is my aim to write in a manner that lets you see inside me. I hope to awaken fellow religion students to the dangers of learning theology in an institution. I inform you of some things that I recognize could make you think ill of me; however, I have resolved to leave the response to this paper in the Lords hands. May He do with it what He wills. I have not attempted to write as a scholar but preferred to write as if I were talking to a friend. My only request is that if you should choose to continue reading this, please read it to the finish. To God be the glory.

The Problem

Last spring, the Lord let me walk off-course, in a sense, for a while in order to work on my heart and bring Himself glory. Like travailing in childbirth, I had many pangs throughout the process before bearing my present fruit.

To catch you up to speed on what I was like then: Know that I like to learn. I believed that growing in knowledge was equal to growing into a mature faith. In other words, the more a person knew the Scriptures, theology, etc., and was able to talk about it, the more mature he was. I truly thought that I was further along and better than some of my friends or acquaintances whom did not have a solid footing in doctrine or ever talked about it.

Now, enjoying learning is good. Just notice that it is also dangerous. My thirst for knowledge of the Scriptures and theology and passion for contemplating and discussing them became a source of pride for me. Most people during this time did not know I had this problem until it started eating me up in the summertime, which I will explain later.

With this mindset, my heart was vulnerable to callousness.

Ephesians 3:14-21

Context: In Chapter 3, Paul, a prisoner at the time of writing, establishes his credibility as a minister of the gospel and the bearer of the mystery (i.e., salvation being available to the Gentiles). In v. 18, Paul asks the Ephesians to not lose heart over what he is suffering for them, which he says is their glory. He begins this verse with "so," with which I think he's referring

back to God's appointing him to his ministry and for such suffering. In other words, because God has appointed him to his suffering and because God through Jesus Christ has enabled him to be bold and have access to Him with confidence, they should not lose heart. Okay, so here we go.

Ephesians 3:14-21: "For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

1. Paul is telling the Ephesians that he is praying for them and is indeed praying for them in this passage. Why does Paul want them to know that and what he is praying for them? 2. We need strength for Christ to dwell in us and to comprehend the greatness of God's love. To what measure does Paul ask God to grant them strength? According to the riches of his glory. Considering the greatness of Gods love blows my mind and makes my heart submit to Christ. When I read this in August, I told the Lord, Okay, you have it all. Do whatever you want with me. Im yours. My reaction led me to thinking that

maybe when we have issues the root question is not, Are we in submission to Christ? but rather, Do we comprehend the greatness of Gods love and know the love of Christ (v. 19)? If we stare Gods love in the face and the Holy Spirit grips us, we cant help but react with total submission to Him. 3. Verse 19a, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge. Not only is Paul praying that the Ephesians with all the saints would comprehend the measure of Gods love but that they would also know the love of Christ. The Lord qualifies this know with the very important phrase that surpasses knowledge. This is where things really started to click. Talk about solidifying what the Lord had taught me over the summer! Surely Gods love is more important than knowledge since the former surpasses the latter. I had missed the point while walking down the road of intellectualism, thinking that storing up knowledge about God was equal to knowing God. The point is that head and heart are both required. Head without heart is a noisy gong and a clanging cymbal (1 Corinthians 13:1). 4. Verse 19b, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Comprehending the greatness of Gods love and knowing the love of Christ fill us with the fullness of God. Paul is emphatic here in using the verb filled and the noun fullness. This clause is pointing to transformation into Christlikeness by Gods love.

The Events

I was taking Intermediate Koine II and Biblical Hermeneutics in the Spring 2009 semester. They are two of my favorite courses I have taken thus far. I reacted as a child looking wide-eyed upon

some magnificent thing with all the awe and excitement a soul can muster. Word studies, I have found, are especially attractive and adventurous to me. I had Greek at noon and Hermeneutics at two oclock, giving me an hour lunch break in between. Two of my Greek brothers had the same schedule, so we typically would partake of lunch together and discuss theology, church, and controversies and problems within the Southern Baptist Convention. I thrived on such conversation and was disappointed when I could not share in the same with my sister or other close friendsthey just did not seem interested or I deemed them too immature to even engage.

Amid this, sometimes people would come to me for advice or information. This always feels good! I endeavored to give wise counsel and be of good service; however, it further made me look good in my own eyes. The Scriptures are clear that none are good except God.

Toward the end of the semester, I sensed that my heart was becoming coldthat everything was becoming mere intellectual exercises. I enjoyed the exercises, however, and so ignored the warning signs of my heading in the wrong direction. I did not mind going down the road of intellectualism because I wanted to do my own thing. Do you see the rebellion here? I knew I was sinning in my arrogance and obstinacy, and still I continued in my way. I did not see the pitfall; I only saw the pleasurewhich I realize now is only short-termthat intellectualism and its resulting behaviors brought to me.

In early June I was scheduled to leave for Braila, Romania, with MBU Student Missions. I had paid the necessary costs, received the necessary shots, and bought my passport. Because of a urinary tract/bladder infection, I decided not to go. This decision was very difficult to make. I

was especially crabby for a couple weeks after this. I was angry with God. It was easy for me to question Him and His will given my spiritual condition at the time. In retrospect, I see now that I was not prepared to go. God had much growth in store for me that needed to happen before going on a mission.

A few weeks later, I hit my low point. On my way into church Sunday morning I wondered if Christianity was made up and if God existed. I soon dismissed the entire idea. (It was one of those come on talks one has with himself.) It is ironic that I doubted my faith on the way to a church service, where I would behave completely normal. If you have not figured it out by now, I am an excellent actress. This was when the act became very hard, however. I recall one of my friends telling me via phone that I was harsh. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Matt. 12:34). Doubting my faith scared me. It served as my wake-up call.

Ephesians 4:1-16

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spiritjust as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your callone Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Therefore it says,

When he ascended on high he led a host of captives, and he gave gifts to men.

(In saying, He ascended, what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth? He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.) And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

1. The word therefore at the beginning of this passage was an indicator to me that this paragraph is somehow connected to the one(s) before it. I think Paul is drawing a correlation between his prayer for the Ephesiansthat they would have strength to comprehend the measure of Gods love and to know the love of Christand the Ephesians living a life worthy of their calling. When we behold Gods love, we submit to Him, and when we submit to Him, we live worthy of our calling. It is not we alone who do it, however; it is God who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us (3:20). Paul fully believed that what he prayed for them would come to pass and knew that responsibility belonged to both God and them.

2. Paul instructs them to live this life worthy of their calling with all humility and gentleness. This convicted me. Even more so I was convicted when he says bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. I split doctrinal hairs on a regular basis, and though I did not dissolve fellowship outwardly, I had in my heart. It is easy to deceive oneself by thinking that alls well because it looks good on the outside while the inside is rotting. The posture of our hearts to God is the reality of our condition. The good and proper posture of the heart that Paul portrays is indicated by the words in love and eager. 3. The string of ones, especially one God and Father of all, applies to the unity we have but neglect. God is God over unreformed Baptist churches just as well as He is God over reformed Baptist churches. Why should I get bent out of shape over the false dichotomy we create when God is certainly not bent out of shape? He gives grace to all of us. 4. Until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God seems to be the end for which God gave us each other with our spiritual gifts to build each other up. Were to build each other up until every one of us grasps a hold of the unity and the knowledge of which Paul speaks. What stood out to me was that unity of the faith and knowledge of the Son of God are on the same level of importance. Perhaps they go hand in hand. 5. As I continued reading these passages in Chapters 3-5, I noticed that Paul uses in love frequently. He keeps reiterating the vitality of love that he presented in his prayer in Chapter 3 by weaving in love throughout. We have seen bearing with one another in love, speaking the truth in love, and builds itself up in love so far.

The Shift

I had a phone conversation with one of my Greek brothers. I said something to the effect of, I dont know whats going on, but I can tell somethings wrong. Somethings just not right on the inside. The more we talked, the more we realized that we were facing a similar problem. He asked me, Well, Kristi, what are we going to do about it? I said, Well, its the Lord who changes hearts, so all we can do is wait on Him to change us. I went on to say that we have got to humble ourselves and submit to Christ. I had talked to the Lord about these things shortly before this conversation, and I think it was that prayer that marks my hearts turning.

Ephesians 4:17-32

Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for

we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

1. Paul shifts gears here from explaining the proper functioning of the church and how we should live to how we should not live. He is forceful in his tone. We cannot be lackadaisical in how we live, for we will just slip back into our old habits and tendencies and become like the unsaved Gentiles Paul describes here. 2. When I read the first paragraph, I felt like Paul was talking to me. I know he was not describing Christians here, but my spiritual condition had fit his description. I had not been leading a God-honoring life. But that is not the way you learned Christ! Thanks, Paul, for kicking me in the rear. 3. In the second paragraph, Paul moves to specific instances of what application of his teaching looks like. 4. The last sentence in this passage was what I wanted to be. It stuck in my mind and made perfect sense.

The Solution

Very slowly did the Lord begin to soften my heart. He used people to challenge my mindset. I interned with my home church for most of the summer. Prior to the internship, I had developed over the course of two years many criticisms, stemming partly from paranoia, of my home church as well as genuine concern for our health. My overarching points of criticism/concern were a possible shift to seeker-sensitivity, lack of expositional preaching, and need of improved discipleship. As I planned the nature of my internship with a member of our staff, I contemplated the friction that could result from our differing doctrinal and methodological beliefs. I questioned whether I should voice my views if the occasion arose and sought counsel on the matter. I eventually decided to not cause a ruckus but to quietly serve as an intern, accomplishing whatever tasks the staff assigned me. The primary objective of my internship was to create a remodeling plan for the welcome center and an accompanying template for a resource catalog. I saw irony in the fact that I was helping my church family in their appeal to new visitors while possessing the mindset that new visitors belonged at the bottom of our priority list.

Since I was home for the summer, I was able to attend church services with my home church regularly. Having that consistent contact with the people helped me to lay aside my bad attitude. I resolved to love the people, just not our leaders philosophy on ministry. (Note this was a compromise that would later become a resolution for unity.) Working around the staff increased my love for them. I commended the mission-mindedness we have and recognized that the Lord was active among us, which baffled me. Why does the Lord still use this church when they go about things from the wrong perspective and teach the wrong perspective? The Lord has prompted me to deal with things in a sermon that is not expositionalwhat does this mean?

Then my supervisor, Greg, gave me a book. He wanted me to compare the assimilation system for catalyzing new visitors into new members to the strategy we employ. Fusion by Nelson Searcy, however, became much more to me than a means of comparison. Know that I tend to categorize people and ideas. Immediately upon reading the covers and introduction, I began trying to categorize Mr. Searcy. My opinion of him was not promising. He was coming off as seeker-sensitive most of the time (that is a negative in the eyes of a reformed Calvinist), but sometimes I would read something that brought me back to giving him the benefit of the doubt. After the first chapter, I felt bad about reading with a hostile and sometimes mocking attitude. I attempted to read the rest of the book with an open mind. After all, Don Whitney is right when he acknowledges that the seeker-sensitive community has contributed good things to the Church.

About halfway through the book I gave in. Youre right, Searcy. First-time guests do matter. Even after I had read almost to the end and gave my analysis to Greg, my heart was still under construction. Throughout my internship and reading Fusion, I could not shake the undeniable fact that God uses seeker-sensitive, people-focused, and/or heart-oriented churches for His glory. My hearts resistance was breaking down.

I had known for a while that I was head-oriented. I realized it was good and maybe even necessary for me to interact with heart-oriented people to help me achieve balance or at least prevent me from becoming too hard-hearted, not realizing just how calloused I had already become. I became intentional about this in late July. My sister, Rachel, and I went to lunch with a friend from church, who like Rachel is more heart-based than head. Oh, how the three-hour

lunch was profitable! We discussed our views and the health of our churchs discipleship, and though we do not entirely agree, we had a civil conversation that upheld unity above any difference. I told our friend that I have seen what happens to people who go down the road I had been traveling, and I do not want to become like the inevitable. Indeed, the Lord had changed me enough at this point that I no longer saw my path and embraced it but looked at the path I no longer claimed and shuddered. I went to lunch with another friend in August who knows the tension between head and heart and came away with the understanding that heart-oriented people are not lesser Christians as I had previously considered them. I became completely open to the possibility that another mode of Christian expression existed. More than that, I began to desire this mode. I wanted to love God in the way these people expressed as well as intellectually.

God used sermons to drive the point home. The two senses of knowledge I just began to grasp were mentioned in various ways. More and more clearly did I realize that a person can know God intuitively and through a bond (the bond of Christ) that is more personal and awesome than an insensitive understanding of Him. It is this type of knowledge that springs some people to action, being Gods hands and feet. They were not just hearers of the Word, like me; they were also doers (James 1:22). Furthermore, these heart-oriented doers were better off than me, an arrogant hypocrite. They truly know God.

Gods work in my heart brought me much conviction and shame. It was bittersweet. The Lord had humbled me. His work seemed to culminate upon my reading of Ephesians 3:14-5:2. The passages therein produced in me a reverent submission to Christ and a deep fear of ever turning back. My recurrent prayer now is, Lord, keep my heart tender. Keep my heart tender.

I see now that my going off-course was only off-course in the sense that I for a short time abandoned the way of righteousness. It was all part of Gods plan though. God knew that who I am now would be the outcome. He indeed works all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28), including sin. I discerned during this experience that He was revealing better to me the magnitude of my sinfulness and my need for Him. He makes alive by grace and sustains by grace. Thanks be to God for the righteousness of Christ and His blood that ensures me a new identity with a new nature! We are nothing without the Atonement.

I see great love in this. Oh, if we could but comprehend the greatness of Gods love for us! We could not help but respond in submission to Him. Just like how God loved me in regenerating me, He loves me in bringing me through a season of darkness to a greater degree of conformity to Christ. He by process broke me then enabled me to put off that sin and replace it with Christ. (I am here reminded of 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, Colossians 2:6-7, Ephesians 3:22-24, and Romans 8:13.)

Ephesians 5:1-2

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

1. I thought these two verses summed up what I had read. I like how Paul has been talking

about growing up into Christ, maturity, and living a life worthy of their calling, and now he describes imitators of God as being beloved children. 2. Love is no doubt a theme in the passages I had read. Here it is again. 3. Another theme is Christs being our Lord and King. Jesus Christ is the One who dwells within us (3:17), the One whose love we are to know (3:19)whose love surpasses knowledgethe One in whom God receives glory (3:21), the One who is our Lord (4:5), the One who gives us gifts (4:8), the One who fills all things (4:10), the One to whom we belong (4:12), the One of whom we are to strive for knowledge (4:13), the One whose fullness is our measure (4:13), the One into whom we as churches are to grow up (4:15), the One from whom we are to build ourselves up (4:16), the One in whom we are taught the truth of how to live unto God (4:21), the One in whom God forgave us (4:32), the One who loves us and gave Himself up for us (5:2), and the One who is a pleasing sacrifice to God (5:2).

Outro (Dont Hear What Im Not Saying)

I am so thankful for what the Lord has done. He shows Himself good. Understand that I love my church family and my heart-oriented friends. Though I still hold to my bent on expository biblical preaching, I have laid antagonism to rest. Also, now instead of refusing to share theological contemplations and opinions with those of whom I formerly deemed unqualified to partake, I acknowledge that such sharing could lead to an intellectual growth on their behalf and to mutual edification. Just as some of us can have too much head, some can have too much heart. Balance is best.

May we better display Christianity to the watching world around us called Missouri Baptist University, knowing that we are Christs representatives. The unbelievers here do not need know-it-all, Christian-event-inviting, drive-by Christian witnesses. They need us to be honest about our struggles and about our Savior, and they need this honesty in the skin of love. Let Gods children neither distort the gospel nor hinder its power by our shallow convictions and lack of growth. Spiritual maturity is manifested in being imitators of God (Ephesians 5:1) children who love, nurture, admonish, exhort, and teach the truth. We do not need a degree to be imitators of God and do these things, but let us grow in the knowledge of God through experience and study. Knowledge of God, after all, is one of the purposes for which God gave the Church spiritual gifts, along with unity of the faith (Ephesians 4:13).

Thank you for taking the time to read this. God be with you.