'So, the problem that I have with You' i said to him out on the green drenched porch out

in the morning grey, the drizzle about to give way, 'I just don't trust You'. 'an old conversation,' He replied. i ignore him, which isn't easy when His light is in my eyes. 'We were on a roll, we were and the world was turning and blistering in the dark and the spark of it, the ember was about to ignite something wild and big and- here, pass me that cigarette- now the whole dam thing is doing that thing it does when you decide to fuck with the plan in favor of my spiritual development, a lesson, or my sense of who i am .' 'You throw the whole thing down the pipes and then You ask me to come up with something creative, quirky, silly... don't sit there and smirk at me when i am mad. seriously sometimes You act just like a man (which we both know You aren't.)' He takes my hand. The day is stretching on ahead like a gloomy endless highway that i dread no rest stations and no trees. The hum of soul mated bliss that hiss of light and heat is so far removed I have to reach deep inside to find some reason to get up in the morning out of the hibernation of my bed, avoiding the restless clatter in my head and i hurt. everywhere all the time I thought we had a plan and this one wasn't mine i can assure you. and i am mad.

'so', He says, stroking the dog's head and drawing deeply on his cigarette.

'after all this time, you think i have the blueprint and the lines are all drawn out ahead of time? we had a deal;you walk, i'll walk behind or ahead whichever you think is best. I never put anyone to the test whatever fiction they like to write, I might show a way a truth, a light, I never yank the rug, its all there in your hand. He turns to fix me with some truth and i stop breathing. 'so tell me this,' he hands me the ashtray and a light. 'When did you decide to quit?' 'quit what?' i pout, waiting for last cigarette to go out. he gently moves a strand against my cheek reaching past my hair to put the lighter on the shelf. 'What made you decide not to trust your Self?'