PLASTIC LOVE

Written by Christopher Wilson

FADE IN: EXT. CITY - DAY A drab environment. Skyline dominated by unsightly concrete buildings hidden behind a thick layer of smog. Electronic billboards on the walls of several buildings. The screens feature an enigmatic, bald man with a goatee. This is VALENTINE (late 50s). Arms folded, theres an aura of charisma about his cold stare. Beneath the screens in scrolling pink text: DECEMBER 25TH... 50 DAYS UNTIL VALENTINES DAY... The sun doesnt penetrate the smog. FADE TO: INT. CONSECOTECH INDUSTRIES - DAY A painting of the sun sans smog. The full picture reveals a Pegasus with fiery hair flying majestically towards the sun. A hand gripping a paintbrush hovers over. The brush lightly touches the canvas, adding the final touches. This hand belongs to STEVE BURBANK (25, skinny, dark haired, unshaven but not scruffy). He relinquishes his hand and admires his creation with a wry smile. There. STEVE

Steve walks across the windowless, sparsely lit room to a giant red button on the wall. He SLAMS his hand against it. An alarm BLEEPS. A robotic arm clamps the painting and raises it high in the air. Another robot arm attaches a large sticker to it... RELAX! The first arm twists until it reaches a conveyor belt near where Steve initially stood. The picture is placed on the belt, and rolled through the open steel bolted door. As the door closes and alarm quietens, a BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM from wherever the door leads to. In total silence, Steve ponders. He dismisses the thought. Gets back to work.

2. EXT. CONSECOTECH INDUSTRIES - DAY Above the buildings entrance is the Consecotech logo. Their slogan: CUTTING OUT THE MIDDLE MAN. A police officer (call him BAXTER) helps a PALE MAN through the front door. Pale Man limps, nursing his upper thigh region. Behind them is Steve, impatient. As soon as a wide enough gap is formed, he wedges past and speed-walks to a nearby bench. Sat there is BEN THOMAS (27, blonde, baby-faced, badly fitted work clothes). He holds a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates that look expensive just from the packaging. Hel-BEN

STEVE Quick, before he sees me. Steve dashes away. Ben picks up his belongings and lags behind. EXT. CITY CENTRE - DAY The city centre is bordered with shops bustling with business. For every woman, theres at least three men. Steve and Ben sit on a bench. Steve scoffs through a chicken sandwich while Ben sips bottled water. BEN The way you sneak sandwiches around like that, I swear youre a spy or something. Had any job offers from Mother Russia? STEVE (food dangles from mouth) You wanna talk to my boss? BEN No, no. Im good. Steve finishes his sandwich. He spots... STEVE Chocolate? Flowers? I know were friends, but not like that. BEN You know who theyre for. Got to keep the average up and all that.

3. STEVE I bet. (stands) Right, Im off-BEN Before you go, I need a favour. A really, really big one. No. Please? STEVE BEN

STEVE Im not dating any more of Sapphires friends. BEN The others werent that bad, were they? INT. PICE DE RSISTANCE - FLASHBACK (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING FLASHBACK SCENES ARE FROM STEVES POV.) Girl #1 is REBECCA - blonde with pigtails, orange skin clashes with her neon pink outfit. Behind Rebecca is a plain white wall, so Steve only has his date to peer at. REBECCA Steve, I know this is our first date, but I want you to come home and meet my... She shoves a Polaroid of a POODLE in front of Steves face. REBECCA (CONTD) (pet talk) Schnookums! Isnt he adorable? Yes he is! Aww, I cant wait to go home and give him lots of cuddles! INT. PICE DE RSISTANCE - FLASHBACK Girl #2 is TYLENE. Same look as Rebecca except for her rather expansive chest. She moves a fork towards her mouth. Her hand slips. The fork descends and STABS her left breast, which HISSES and DEFLATES. Embarrassed, she covers it up to maintain her composure. Uncertain giggle. Composure gone.

4. INT. PICE DE RSISTANCE - FLASHBACK Girl #3 is RITA (age and gender debateable). She looks like a cross between a stocky Clint Eastwood and a serial killer. Rita gnashes her teeth at Steve. Growls. INT. PICE DE RSISTANCE - FLASHBACK And #4 is RICK, an effeminate man with a thin, twiddly moustache and sharp dress sense. RICK Dont tell me, you didnt like Sapphires girlfriends and now she thinks youre gay? The POV perspective nods. RICK (mumbles to himself; analyses fingernails) Should tell her to stop setting me up. Fifth time this month... EXT. CITY CENTRE - CONTINUOUS Steve answers Bens question with a glare. BEN Point taken. But when Sapphire sets you up, its cause she wants you to have the same unbreakable bond she has with me. (pause) Also, shell dump me if you dont come on a double date tonight. Steve sighs. STEVE Whats her name? What? My date. BEN STEVE

BEN Kaley, Kylie, Carly. Cant remember. STEVE Pice de Rsistance, eight PM?

5. BEN

As always.

INT. PICE DE RSISTANCE - NIGHT As well as blank walls, Pice de Rsistance has plastic plants, artificial one-hundred watt candlelight, and tables laid out in a jagged formation. Steve and Ben enter wearing smart clothing. With the roses and chocolates in his possession, Ben approaches the WAITER. BEN Table of four at eight for Thomas? WAITER Ah, yes. One of your party has already arrived. This way... Waiter leads them to a nearby table. SAPPHIRE BOOTH (28, dolled in make-up, large gold hoop earrings) is there, face like shes eaten a sour gobstopper. Waiter senses the tension. WAITER (leaves) Ill get the hard liquor menu. Ben goes to kiss Sapphire, but she snubs him. BEN Sorry were late. Traffic. Here, I bought you these. Sapphires face further crumples when presented with the roses and chocolates. That it? SAPPHIRE

She takes the gifts, dumps them on the table, and turns her nose away in disgust. Ben and Steve take their seats during a patch of uncomfortable silence. Then, Ben laughs. Extremely forced. BEN (badly acted) As if Id only buy you that! Ben reaches into his trouser pocket and pulls out a jewelry box. The sound of the box CLICKING open grabs Sapphires attention. She spins around to see an Argos catalogue style golden bracelet caked in diamonique. She squeals in delight.

6. SAPPHIRE Its beautiful! Sapphire gives Ben a hug. Head over her shoulder, Ben shoots a look of relief to Steve. SAPPHIRE Hey, theres Caitlin. She breaks up the hug and waves towards the entrance way. SAPPHIRE Caitlin! Over here, girl. CAITLIN HENNESSEY (24, dressed in black, luscious scarlet lips) walks to the table. She nervously runs her hand through her hair. Sit down. SAPPHIRE

Caitlin does as shes told, cracking an diffident smile. Before she can even blink, Sapphire pitches the bracelet in her direction. SAPPHIRE Look what Ben got me. CAITLIN (unsure how to react) Thats. Good. SAPPHIRE It cost... (to Ben) How much? BEN One hundred and fifty-three credits. Ben leans back, only to have his girlfriend stare daggers at him for some reason. SAPPHIRE Show her the receipt. Oh, sorry. BEN

CAITLIN Theres no need. SAPPHIRE Yes, there is. (clenches teeth) Ben?!

7. Ben fishes out a scrunched up receipt from his wallet and hands it to Caitlin. She reluctantly unravels the paper. Glances: ROSES - 6CR, CHOCOLATES - 8CR, DIAMOND NECKLACE 153CR, CONDOMS - 5CR. CAITLIN (to Ben) You must be in a great job. BEN Im in telemarketing. CAITLIN What do you sell? BEN Telephones. Oh. CAITLIN

INT. PICE DE RSISTANCE - LATER The only change in scenery is that drinks have been served four half-full glasses of red wine. Ben and Sapphire listen to Caitlin while Steve is distant. CAITLIN So Dad took me to Valentineland a while back. I didnt like it - too plastic. Anyway, I escaped for the day and found this rural village about four miles away. BEN What was that like? CAITLIN Oh, it was so beautiful. I want to go back there when I finish university and do some paintings. BEN Wow, that sounds amaz-SAPPHIRE Well, me and Ben are doing something better than that. Hes gonna get promoted to management, then well move into a yacht. BEN But I get sea sick... Sapphire THUMPS Bens leg under the table. The table jumps wine spills over their glasses.

8. Ben rubs his leg. BEN So Steve, hows work? (to Caitlin) Hes an artist too. (long pause) Steve? In a world of his own, Steve gazes at Caitlin. She doesnt notice, a good thing considering a tiny bit of drool slips out of his mouth. Steve! BEN

Steve snaps out of the trance and wipes his mouth. Ben, Sapphire, and now Caitlin look at him weirdly. STEVE Ben, Im off to the bathroom. You coming? BEN (chuckles) And heres me thinking you were kidding about the flowers and chocolates... He notices Steves stern frown. Sure. BEN

INT. PICE DE RSISTANCE TOILETS - NIGHT A clean and sterile bathroom. Ben perches where the sinks are as Steve paces back and forth in a frenzied manner. STEVE I cant explain it. Ive never felt this way about a girl before. BEN Have you even spoke to her yet? STEVE No. I barely know anything about Caitlin and yet I think I love her. BEN Ask her out then. STEVE I dont know how, Ive never asked anyone out before. How did you get with Sapphire?

9. BEN She asked me. STEVE What did she say? BEN Buy me a drink and you can touch my boobs. And, well, youve seen them. Theyre the type of boobs you could spend hours rubbing your face against. STEVE I doubt thatll work. Might do. BEN

STEVE (cynical) Really? BEN Fine. How about you relax? Clear your throat, take a deep breath, walk up and say... INT. UNKNOWN STEVE Do you want to go out sometime? On the yellow 47BW APPLICATION FORM in front of Steve, he finishes writing Do you want to go out sometime...? in the comments section. Steve is in the STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS. He hands the form to a bored CLERK (21). Takes Clerk a millisecond to detect a problem. CLERK This is the wrong form. You need a 23GN to formally ask someone out. STEVE (points) But the lady over there said to fill this one in. CLERK This is the form to have a baby. STEVE Maybe I should keep this one. You know, just in case...

10. CLERK Then you better take this too. Clerk hands him a blue application: 68MZ BREAKUP FORM THINGS ARE GOING TOO FAST. STEVE Clerk humour. Hilarious. CLERK You should see the guys in the tear gas department. Theyre a riot. Clerk fetches another piece of yellow paper, the 23GN form. The only difference to the 47BW one is the name of it. CLERK Fill that in. Steve gestures how the forms are the same. Clerk shrugs. He picks a pen up from the desk, scribbles out the 47BW, crudely scrawls 23GN next to it. Hands it back to Clerk. STEVE How long til I hear a response? CLERK One to two working days. INT. CONSECOTECH INDUSTRIES - DAY FIVE WORKING DAYS LATER Steve stands at his easel. He shades a pencil outline of a tree onto an A3 canvas. His concentration is broken by his boss DANIEL HUXLEY (48, stocky, sweaty, permanent Cheshire Cat smile). A word? DANIEL

STEVE Whats wrong? DANIEL Whats wrong, sir. As a Consecotech crew member, I expect you to adhere to my working standards. That includes not bringing your bit on the side to work. Pardon? STEVE

11. DANIEL Theres some broad here to see you. Make it quick, youre already skating on thin ice. Steve grumbles. STEVE For the last time, I was gone for ten minutes. Its my right to have a lunch break. DANIEL No it isnt. And if you dont like it, move to a democracy. Hippy! Daniel slogs to the door and lets Caitlin in. He flashes a sleazy grin at her. She ignores it. He then busies himself by admiring her from afar. Caitlin approaches Steve. Hey. Hey. CAITLIN STEVE

CAITLIN I got your form and... I accept your request to be your girlfriend. STEVE Great! Great. CAITLIN (holds out hand) Put it there. Steve stares at Caitlins hand. Eyes widen. He precariously moves his hand forward. He misses the target - the handshake is limp. When their hands release, Steve exhales an embarrassed laugh. Thats when he notices Daniel, back arched, eyes level to Caitlins buttocks. Caitlin turns too, disgusted. Daniel stands upright and feigns innocence. Carry on. DANIEL

CAITLIN (to Steve) Can we talk somewhere else?

12. DANIEL

No.

Steve coughs uncomfortably. STEVE So you wanna do something tonight? Theres a new rom-com out. I hear the mandatory love interest is kooky and quirky. CAITLIN (focuses beyond Steve) I dont like the cinema... Caitlin admires Steves picture in progress. She runs her finger over it, smudging the pencil outline. CAITLIN Is this yours? STEVE Yeah, Im an artist. CAITLIN I know. Ben said while you were drooling the other night. Steve blushes. CAITLIN What are they for? I guess a place like this doesnt want artistry. STEVE I have no idea. I paint whatever picture I want, push a red button, and theyre sent away-CAITLIN What about drinks at OWillys? About ten-ish? Uh, sure. STEVE

Caitlin heads to the exit when she remembers... CAITLIN Before I forget, I have to give you this. You know how it works? She produces a DEBIT CARD from her pocket. Its surface is digitised with animated pink and purple splotches and other CGI moving gently across. The centre of it says 0CR in bold, silver lettering. Steve takes the card.

13. STEVE Yeah, Ive got to spend a certain amount on you every month. Or else. CAITLIN Every fortnight. STEVE Fortnight? Since when? CAITLIN Five years ago. (then) See you later. Caitlin exits. On her way out she passes Daniel, who cocks an eyebrow at her. She deadpans him again. Meanwhile, Steve puts a hand to his head in disbelief. STEVE (to himself) That went well. A deep well with jagged rocks at the bottom. He turns back to Daniel. Daniel has found a pair of binoculars from somewhere. He uses them to ogle at Caitlin while she walks away off-screen. Seedy laugh. He notices Steve eyeballing him. DANIEL (still wears binoculars) Back to work! INT. OWILLYS BAR - NIGHT The pub is packed to the brim - the consequence of New Years Eve. Balloons, streamers, used party poppers decorate the place. Awful dance music blares loudly. Steve and Caitlin squeeze through the tight crowd. They hop aside various PUNTERS swaying merrily. They reach the surprisingly quiet bar area. STEVE Whatre you having? CAITLIN Gin and tonic. Steve signals for the attention of the BARTENDER.

14. STEVE Gin and tonic, and a lager? He hands over the debit card. Bartender swipes the card on the cash register. The pink and purple splotches explode gleefully as the 0CR fades into 3CR blipping like a computer in a 90s Hollywood movie. INT. OWILLYS BAR - LATER Steve and Caitlin sit at a small round table in the corner. Their glasses are full. STEVE So how do you know Sapphire? CAITLIN We went to primary school together. Its funny, I hadnt spoken to her in nine years, but three weeks ago I joined that Friends Forever website. She adds me and asks if Im seeing anyone. STEVE And you said no? CAITLIN Eventually. I dont remember her being so bossy. Sour too. STEVE

CAITLIN No wonder I felt awkward around her. Bad vibes, you know? Blessing in disguise though. Ive been too busy with university to find a boyfriend. STEVE What course do you take? CAITLIN Business Studies. I wanted to do Drama, but Dad said thatd be a waste of three years. STEVE Isnt that the point of uni? They laugh.

15. CAITLIN Hes the one paying for it, so... I hardly attend anyway. Last time I went was... Whats today? Friday. October. STEVE CAITLIN

Caitlin drinks. When the glass is placed back on the table FADE TO: INT. OWILLYS BAR - LATER Her glass - empty, joined by additional pint, tumbler, cocktail and shot glasses. Also empty. Caitlin and Steve are pleasantly tipsy. STEVE I believe before were born, theres a machine in the clouds which lets us choose our personality and looks and all that sort of stuff... Caitlin doubles over in high-pitched laughter. STEVE Im serious. CAITLIN If that... (restrains laugh) If that were the case, explain... Explain your boss. Steve blinks. STEVE Good point. The bell at the bar rings. BARTENDER Ladies and gentlemen, its almost midnight. If you could make your preparations please. Commotion as the MEN in the bar unveil presents from various hiding places. The WOMEN stand in anticipation of what theyre about to receive. Steve and Caitlin, on the other hand, dont move an inch.

16. Bartender switches the television on. A silent plain black and pink counter counts down: 13... 12... 11... WOMEN IN BAR Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Steves eyes glaze in fear - oh shit, oh shit - hes forgotten all about this tradition. WOMEN IN BAR (CONTD) Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year! The men hand their gifts over in a synchronised fashion. A crescendo of torn wrapping paper followed by... WOMAN 1 (O.S.) Oh, thats lovely. WOMAN 3 (O.S.) Wonderful! WOMAN 2 (O.S.) Diamonds? How did you know? WOMAN 4 (O.S.) The fuck is this?

Steve places a hand on Caitlins shoulder. STEVE Oh Caitlin, Im so sorry. I totally forgot. All I can give you is this. Steve pecks Caitlin on the cheek as if they were under mistletoe. He withdraws his head. Waits for a reaction. Time stands still. Caitlin gazes at him - poker-faced. Then, a smile. CAITLIN Its perfect. Her head moves to his. Lips magnetise and connect into a long, passionate kiss. EXT. OWILLYS BAR - CONTINUOUS A dazzling fireworks display fills the sky. Emphatic WHISTLING precedes explosions of pink and green and orange. The electronic billboards maintain the same Valentine picture, but the text says: THIS FORTNIGHTS COUPLES TAX AVERAGE: 191 CREDITS... WELL DONE... And in smaller text: HAPPY NEW YEAR...

17. EXT. ART GALLERY - DAY At the top of the stairs, the city is seen in its full smoggy glory. Steve and Caitlin have their backs turned from it. They make faces at the sign above the box office showing the gallerys prices: SINGLES - 5CR, COUPLES - 15CR. Caitlin smirks. CAITLIN I have an idea. She approaches the box office, manned by a TEENAGER too into the music blaring from his MP3 player to pay attention. Steve goes to follow. Caitlin gestures at him to stay back. She produces a 5CR bill. Teenager grunts as he removes his headphones, so clearly overworked. CAITLIN Single please. Teenager presses a button. A ticket pops up. He tears ticket from the machine and hands it to Caitlin. Thanks. CAITLIN

As Caitlin heads into the gallery, she obviously winks at Steve. He nods back. Heads to the box office himself. STEVE Single too. Too? No, one. TEENAGER STEVE

Button pushed. Ticket pops up. INT. ART GALLERY - DAY The exhibitions theme: the pictures are famous paintings with Valentines head stuck over focal areas. The room is full of couples wearing lime green wristbands. Steve and Caitlin hold hands. They admire unseen pictures. STEVE Legend has it, if you remove Valentines head, theres someone else underneath.

18. CAITLIN No... Could you imagine these pictures without him? From another angle, theyre looking at doctored versions of Andy Warhols Marilyn Monroe, Edward Munchs The Scream, and Leonardo Da Vincis Mona Lisa. They move to the next piece: a self-portrait of Vincent Van Gogh Valentine. CAITLIN I know, how about the park next? We can go on the swings. STEVE I havent fit in those swings since I was twelve. CAITLIN And you let that stop you? Hey! SECURITY GUARD (O.S.)

A SECURITY GUARD (36), authoritative and bulky, storms up. SECURITY GUARD Wheres your wristbands? Pardon? STEVE

SECURITY GUARD (re: nearby couple) All couples must wear those wristbands, and youre not. We dont take kindly to cheapskates. CAITLIN Just cause Im a girl, and hes a boy, it doesnt mean were a couple. Security Guard sees Steve and Caitlin holding hands. He raises his head. Another explanation, perhaps? Mmm-hmm? SECURITY GUARD

CAITLIN Hes my pimp. Get out. MONTAGE. SECURITY GUARD

19. EXT. ART GALLERY - DAY Steve and Caitlin gallop from the gallery, laughing. Security Guard watches from the door in disapproval. EXT. PARK - DAY Steve and Caitlin come across a vacant childrens park. Beside the swings is a see-saw. They look at each other. Caitlin suggestively tilts her head in that direction. INT. APARTMENT (STEVES BEDROOM) - NIGHT They stand eye to eye next to a blank A4 canvas. Steve reveals a wet paintbrush. He dabs the canvas with a thick black line. EXT. BEACH - DAY Steve draws on the beach surface with a giant soggy stick. EXT. PARK - CONTINUOUS Caitlin sits in a swing. She sways side to side. Steve goes to sit in the one next to her, but its too narrow. He stands back up and examines it. EXT. BEACH - CONTINUOUS The drawing is of a love heart. Caitlin snatches the stick off Steve. She starts to scribble the drawing out. Steve playfully tries to reclaim the stick. INT. APARTMENT (STEVES BEDROOM) - CONTINUOUS Caitlin adamantly keeps hold of the paintbrush despite Steves jokey protest. She marks the canvas. EXT. PARK - CONTINUOUS Steve stands on the swing. He thrusts his body forward. The swing slips, and he plummets to the soft wood chipping below. While laughing hysterically, Caitlin mounts the see-saw. Steve gets to his feet. He sees Caitlin, who nods at him to join her.

20. EXT. BEACH - CONTINUOUS Caitlin refuses to let go of the stick so Steve wrestles her to the ground. They roll about on the sand. INT. APARTMENT (STEVES BEDROOM) - CONTINUOUS Steve drops the paintbrush. He grabs Caitlin. They tumble onto the bed. EXT. BEACH - CONTINUOUS As they roll, Caitlin finds her way on top. Their eyes meet. EXT. PARK - CONTINUOUS Steve and Caitlin on the see-saw. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Both giddy in delight. Nearby, an OLD COUPLE on a posh horse and cart ride stare in repugnance. What they see is purely absurd. Steve and Caitlin dont notice them. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. INT. APARTMENT (STEVES BEDROOM) - MORNING In bed together, Caitlin sleeps while Steve, arm around her shoulder, is wide awake. Wired. Wow. STEVE

Opposite them is the canvas. The painting: Steve and Caitlin hold hands in the middle of a field, back turned, glancing up at a strip of sugary pink sky. To the side is an upright house made of twigs and branches. Apart from the sky, the painting is uncoloured. END MONTAGE. INT. APARTMENT (STEVES BEDROOM) - DAY Resembles a university halls of residence. Objects strewn everywhere, crooked posters on the wall, used dishes and cutlery populate the coffee table. Ben has somehow found room to prop his feet on the table too.

21. Steve comes out of his bedroom with Caitlin. He guides her to the front door. Bye. STEVE

One last kiss and she departs. Soon as Steve closes the door, he bounces up and down in exuberance. Fist pumps the air. STEVE Guess what? I had sex last night! Ben is blind-sided by Steves bluntness. BEN Thats not the sort of thing you announce, but good for you. STEVE Best minute of my life... BEN Things are going well between you two then? STEVE Shes amazing. Simply amazing. Shes a great girl. Sweet, funny, smart. My life was dull before her. I cant believe I was stuck in that same routine every day with nothing to look forward to. But now I do. Im sure you know what I mean? BEN Nope. Life was no different before I met Sapphire. (looks at watch) Speaking of... Ben picks up the remote control, next to a white sock swamped in dirt, and changes the channel. ANGLE - TELEVISION A news channel. Cue unnecessary CGI EXPLOSIONS that lead into a swirling, silvery, monolithic graphic saying: FORTNIGHTLY COUPLES TAX REPORT. Another EXPLOSION transitions to the NEWS ANCHOR (late 50s, grey haired, droopy eyed, monotone delivery). NEWS ANCHOR The average Couples Tax for the fortnight ending January 14th is two hundred and thirty credits. (MORE)

22. NEWS ANCHOR (CONT'D) The legal minimum amount is five percent below average, which means you must have spent two hundred and eighteen credits this time. With Valentines Day only thirty-one shopping days away, the average will sky-rocket in the next month. BACK TO SCENE. Ben takes out his debit card. Fears the worst. Hes fine though: 264CR blinks on his card in congratulations. Steve reacts indifferently to his amount: 32CR. Oh well. Ben panics. BEN Thirty-two credits?! How did you only spend thirty-two credits?! STEVE We just love each others company. BEN Youre in big trouble! STEVE Ill be fine. BEN Dont you realise what happens? The police will hunt you down like a dog. Theyll give you a ticket, and tell you youll end up in court the next time you cheapskate on your girlfriend. Then the third time you break the law... (dizzily) I dont know what happens, but imagining it makes me feel sick. Steve laughs. Really? Yeah. STEVE BEN STEVE

STEVE How do you know? Ben hesitates.

23. BEN Ive had a ticket. Steve is stunned by this revelation. STEVE You?! You broke the law?! Why didnt I hear about this? BEN Thats not the sort of thing Id announce. (then) Totally my fault though. I bought Sapphire a two-hundred credit gold watch. But it didnt go with her work outfit, so she returned it without telling me. I shouldve checked with her first before buying the damn thing. In the end, I was below average by two credits. Ben stands. He heads to his bedroom. STEVE Ben... Do you love Sapphire? BEN Course I do. I buy her many nice things. Dark expression on his face, Ben leaves the room. INT. STREET - EVENING With a field on one side and busy road on the other, Caitlin and Steve wander, deep in conversation. Their perkiness of late is distinctly subdued. As they walk, folksy music that starts faintly in the background becomes increasingly louder. STEVE Ive never seen Ben like that. He knows Sapphires only with him for the money. Duh. CAITLIN

STEVE Promise me, if we become anything like them, lets end it.

24. CAITLIN Ill go one better: buy me anything as tacky as Sapphires earrings and Ill cut your balls off. Steves smile is disrupted when he hears the music. STEVE Do you hear that? CAITLIN Lets check it out! They charge into the field. EXT. FIELD - MOMENTS LATER Caitlin lights up in excitement. Woah... CAITLIN

The field is heaving with a couple of dozen HIPPIES. Couples hug around campfires, acoustic guitars, hacky-sack, other humble activities. Think Glastonbury except these folks arent estate agents fifty-one weeks per year. Come on... CAITLIN

She impatiently leads Steve into the thick of it. But as they submerge deep into the crowd... A POLICE HELICOPTER materialises from behind the trees! It directs a spotlight over the Hippies. On the ground, POLICE VANS and CARS appear. POLICEMEN pile out of the vehicles - their formation as they circle the Hippies clearly rehearsed. COP IN CHOPPER (O.S.) (through PA system) Attention cheapskates, this is the police. Please form an orderly queue. A RAGGED MALE HIPPY and his GIRLFRIEND walk by. RAGGED HIPPY Why us? Ooohhh! Ragged Hippy picks up a 5CR note from the ground. RAGGED HIPPY Guess were smoking tonight!

25. CAITLIN Steve, watch out. Steve doesnt see a police officer (call him BOB) with a baton next to him. Bob prods Steve in the ribs and forces him into the orderly queue. Bob forces Caitlin to where all the FEMALE HIPPIES stand. Next to her is a Voodoo-Queen dressed lady. VOODOO QUEEN LADY Oh, how awful... CAITLIN (to Bob) What are you doing? BOB Surprise Couples Tax test. CAITLIN Buy why them? Bob scans Caitlin, head to toe. BOB Judging by those clothes, your boyfriend aint treating you right. In the queue, Steve is confronted by PETE (35) behind him. Despite the hippy look, Pete is enraged - an image enhanced through his frown lines and crooked teeth. PETE The way love is taxed is bullshit. The whole system needs to be brought down. I guess. STEVE

PETE I have a plan, me. My men will gut Valentine, choke him to death with his own intestines, and feast on his eyeballs as they pop out of their sockets. Pete manically laughs. Okay... STEVE

Steve turns to the man in front of him: JAMES TRENT (65, hippy, calm, collected, youthful for his age).

26. JAMES Dont mind Pete. Hes the type they make anti-drug adverts about. Pete doesnt notice this comment. Hes too busy punching himself in the face. STEVE Im Steve. Steve Burbank. JAMES James Trent. STEVE Do you agree with him? Bringing down the system? JAMES Through non-violent means, yes. Out of all the things they couldve taxed: pollution, inheritance, cigarettes for kids; they tax something you can only feel inside? STEVE Its a crock. JAMES This the first time youre in trouble? Yeah. You? STEVE

JAMES Ninth and counting. And Ill continue breaking the law. They mayve taken my manhood, but they cant take away my feelings for my soulmate Linda. STEVE How do you-Next! Im up. VOICE (O.S.) JAMES

STEVE Nice meeting you, James. James steps forward. Voice belongs to a police officer called LEE. Lees face brightens when he sees whos approaching. LEE James... Again?

27. JAMES What can I say? I love you pigs. LEE And we love sweaty hippies. JAMES Hows Trudy and the kids? LEE Theyre doing great. Gracie won a competition at school to design a Valentines Day parade float. Great! JAMES

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT ANGLE - TELEVISION Run-of-the-mill car advert. Car drives down an open desert road at speeds that cant be legally reached on a school run. The soundtrack is life affirming, wide-eyed, twee, indie sung by a knock-off Zooey Deschanel. BACK TO SCENE. Ben and Sapphire watch the advert. SAPPHIRE Aww, I love this song. (then) Buy me that car! Steve enters the apartment. He clutches a ticket scrawled with blood red writing; the word WARNING in clear view. STEVE You were right, Ben. They got me. Sapphire stretches her neck to see the ticket. SAPPHIRE (to Ben) Hey, remember when you got a ticket like that? So funny. STEVE What am I going to do? SAPPHIRE Spend more money. A girl must be spent on, darling.

28. STEVE Id love to. Caitlin deserves the world. But Im an artist. The difference between us and hobos is they dont have to pay bills. Steve crouches down. Rubs his head and neck. BEN You have two options, Im afraid. Steve looks back up. BEN Go to the Relationship Office, fill out the form, and end it with Caitlin for now. STEVE And the second choice? BEN Do something desperate. STEVE Play the lottery? BEN Something less desperate than that. INT. BURGERMANIA - EVENING Steve wears a Burgermania uniform: bright yellow hat, apron, shirt, trousers trimmed with red. Sat in the eating area, he views the induction video on a wheeled-in television. CUSTOMERS glare at him. ANGLE - TELEVISION A video of a colourful if basic animation, cute and childish. A large cartoon hand leads a small cartoon cow into a medium cartoon slaughterhouse. NARRATOR (V.O.) Here at Burgermania, our Burger-Us and Burger-Roos are made from twenty-five percent beef, and seventy-five percent L-O-V-E. Hand herds cow into the slaughterhouse. Then the sound of RAZORS CUTTING and DISTRESSED MOOING. Quick scrolling text at the bottom: NOTE - L-O-V-E. IS A COMPOUND OF LIMONENE, OCTAFLUOROPROPANE, VIAGRA, and EPICHLOROHYDRIN. Text is hard to detect at full speed. BACK TO SCENE.

29. Steve stares in dismay. INT. BURGERMANIA - LATER Behind the counter, Steve miserably serves a CUSTOMER. He hands them their change. STEVE Have a Burgermanic day. When Customer walks away, SEBASTIAN (34) confronts him. You can tell Sebastian is the team leader as his uniform is marginally more dignified. SEBASTIAN I love the way you dont make the customers feel welcome. STEVE Sorry, sir. SEBASTIAN This is supposed to be a positive experience. Adults and children work hard all day. They want to come to this place to relax and be in a state of elation. Not a care in the world. This is their daily dose of ecstacy. Long, long pause. STEVE What do you--? SEBASTIAN Smile, Steve! Smile! Steve forces a skewed smile, like Arnies in Terminator 2. Sebastian gives him a patronising thumbs up and heads into his office. Steves smile drops when he sees his next customer: Daniel. Daniel bursts out laughing, booming so loud that other CUSTOMERS stop what theyre doing. He laps it up still after he reaches Steve. DANIEL So this is why you rushed off after work... STEVE I need the money.

30. DANIEL Why didnt you ask me for it? I have plenty of lawns to be mowed, cars to be washed, shoes to be shined... STEVE I still have my dignity. SEBASTIAN (O.S.) Steve, the milkshake machines clogged up again. STEVE (at Daniel; coldly) On it. Steve ambles to the milkshake machine. He pulls the lever despite the deafening feedback, nothing leaks out. He opens the machine up. Jigs about with the knobs and switches. Twists a plastic cog undone-Chocolate milkshake SPURTS all over Steve! It splatters his uniform and face. The colour and texture look like manure. Daniel uncontrollably laughs again. Sebastian steps out of his office. SEBASTIAN Whats all the-Sees Steve. Now hes laughing too. Steve wipes milkshake off his face with his hands. He flings the excess sideways down. BEGIN SEQUENCE. INT. CONSECOTECH INDUSTRIES - DAY With bags under his eyes, Steve paints a new picture. Its not beautiful - an open grave to be precise. Heavy emphasis on blacks, browns, and greys. He colours in the tombstone until his hand slips. A large squiggle goes beyond the sketch line. Steve grumbles. INT. BURGERMANIA - NIGHT Steve works the burger section. He hurriedly wraps a cheeseburger up. Slides it into the front display area.

31. He repeats the process two more times. However the packaging of the second burger comes undone. Splits apart on the display shelf. Cue Sebastian with the offending burger. Sorry. STEVE

SEBASTIAN Treat every burger like a baby. Be gentle, take your time. You dont want to commit involuntary burgerslaughter and do a stretch, do you? Steve blinks in response. BLEEP! A new order. On the overhead screen: 11 BURGER-ROOS... Steve squints beyond his station at the counter. THREE OBESE PEOPLE (husband, wife, child) are responsible for the order. WOMAN ON COUNTER (O.S.) We need eleven Burger-roos. Steve grits his teeth. INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT Steve opens the door to see Caitlin. He wants to smile but he stoops over, withdrawn. Her initial enthusiasm drains as she steps inside. He presents a box of chocolates to Caitlin which, like Bens were, seem expensive just from the packaging. She raises a courteous smile. INT. BURGERMANIA - CONTINUOUS Sebastian scrutinises Steve, who grills burgers. An alarm BEEPS. Steve pops open the grill plate, grabs a spatula and flips the patties. The first few flips are fine, but the fourth one launches into the air. It SPLATS onto the dusty floor. A moment of indecision. Steve picks the burger up and approaches the bin. SEBASTIAN What are you doing with that?

32. STEVE It went on the floor. Sebastian storms forward. He snatches the burger off him and throws it back on the grill. SEBASTIAN The heat will kill the germs. Will it? STEVE

Sebastian takes Steves spatula. He presses the contaminated food with force, blackening the meat. SEBASTIAN Which one of us has been on a halfday hygiene course? (pause) Exactly. He scrapes the burger up and places it on a ready positioned bun. Slaps a slice of American cheese on top. INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - CONTINUOUS Caitlin opens the DVD player disc slot. CAITLIN Youll love this. Its a documentary about-She glances over her shoulder. Steve has fallen asleep. He rolls over and traps his left nostril against the settee, causing a high pitched snore. INT. CONSECOTECH INDUSTRIES - CONTINUOUS Steve views the mistake on his picture. Daniel joins in with exaggerated tut-tutting. DANIEL Another screw-up? His employee pulls an angry face. INT. BURGERMANIA - CONTINUOUS A batch of twelve burgers ready for dispatch. Pay attention to the contaminated burger, marked with a red sticker for some procedural reason.

33. Its the last burger on the display, sliding to the front when the Obese Familys order is fulfilled. BEN (O.S.) One Burger-Roo please. Steve hears this. Steps to the front in time to see Ben receive the contaminated burger. Hey Steve. BEN

Before Steve can react, Ben has the burger out. He sinks his teeth into it - ketchup dripping to the ground. Relieved look from Ben. BEN Been starving all day. Ill see you at home? Sure. STEVE

As Ben leaves the restaurant, he takes another bite. INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - CONTINUOUS The lights are off. The only illumination comes from the television. Steve snores while Caitlin cradles her legs with her arms. She gloomily acknowledges her boyfriend. INT. CONSECOTECH INDUSTRIES - CONTINUOUS Daniel takes off his glasses, blows on them, rubs them using his shirt. For a moment, his beady eyes are seen. DANIEL Oh by the way, the million credit contract from the state came through. If you do overtime for the next few weeks, Ill pay you ten times your normal wage. Steve doesnt react. He knows whats next. DANIEL Wait, you cant! Youre too busy flipping burgers! Grating laugh from Daniel.

34. INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - CONTINUOUS The evening is over. Barely awake, Steve dozily guides Caitlin to the door. She steps into the corridor and prepares for a kiss. Without thinking, Steve closes the door on her. INT. APARTMENT (CORRIDOR) - CONTINUOUS Caitlin stands there. Dumbfounded. END SEQUENCE. INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT - NIGHT This place is more upmarket than the Pice de Rsistance. Art deco design, reserved atmosphere, strict food portions... In a suit, Steve enters. Reluctantly behind him is Caitlin in a sparkling dress that doesnt suit her personality, awkwardness etched on her face. CAITLIN (whispers) This doesnt feel right. Steve ignores her. He flags down a FRENCH WAITER (40). FRENCH WAITER Would monsieur like a table? STEVE Monsieur would. Grabbing a couple of menus on the way, French Waiter leads them to their table. Steves urgency makes him walk side by side with Waiter. INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT - LATER At their table, Steve reads a menu as Caitlin glares at him. The tension between the two contradicts the upbeat classical music in the background. CAITLIN Cant we go somewhere else? STEVE Why? This is a nice place. A nice expensive place.

35. CAITLIN This isnt us. How about the arcade? Thats us. STEVE Do they still have the ski machine that eats up ten credits a go? No. CAITLIN

STEVE Then no. I have an average to meet. Caitlin drops the conversation. Silence. French Waiter appears again with a notepad open. FRENCH WAITER Ready to order? No-CAITLIN

STEVE Yes. Ill have the lobster, the caviar, and your finest champagne. FRENCH WAITER (writes order down) How common. And for you, madam? Caitlin picks her menu up. Salad. CAITLIN

STEVE (to Waiter) With caviar. Her eyes narrow in anger. CAITLIN And a glass of water. STEVE (to Waiter) Make that red wine. Whats the most vintage on the menu? FRENCH WAITER Blackeux, circa Ninteen Ninety Eight. Not vintage, we just forgot the bottle was in the pantry. STEVE Thatll do.

36. CAITLIN (loud) Whats your problem?! Steve looks bemused. STEVE Nothing. Nothings the problem. CAITLIN Then why are you treating me like a high class whore? What? STEVE

CAITLIN Throwing your money around like its no object. This isnt who I fell in love with. STEVE You dont love me now? Caitlin rises from her seat and storms away. Steve immediately gives chase. French Waiter crosses out the order with a humph. EXT. FRENCH RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Caitlin stomps out of the restaurant, wiping a tear from her eye. Steve shadows her. STEVE Come on, theres no need to cry. CAITLIN Isnt there? STEVE I dont know. Caitlin hails a taxi. STEVE Where are you going? CAITLIN Bed. Ive had enough for one night. STEVE Great! You know, Ive been slaving away at two jobs, being treat like dirt in one, crap in the other. I barely have the time in the day to eat - and its all because of you. (MORE)

37. STEVE (CONT'D) So stop acting so selfishly and get back in here. Steve pauses, realising what he just said. STEVE Im... Im sorry. Im so stressed. A taxi pulls up. CAITLIN Goodbye, Steve. (to Taxi Driver) How much to Wayland Road? TAXI DRIVER (O.S.) Nine credits. Caitlin climbs into the taxi. It drives away. STEVE Wait a minute... Steve pulls the debit card out from his pocket. Flashes it high in the air. STEVE (CONTD) ...Pay with this! Taxi heads far into the distance before it turns a corner. A rumble of thunder, followed by the heavens opening. Rain pelts hard on Steve as he looks mournful. INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT Steve enters, soaking wet. Vegged out in front of the television and chewing bubble gum, Sapphire nods at him. STEVE Ben still got food poisoning? Yup. SAPPHIRE

From the bathroom, Ben VOMITS. Steve heads to his bedroom when, with a sigh, he readdresses Sapphire. Sapphire blows a bubble, which obnoxiously pops. STEVE Sapphire, youre a woman-SAPPHIRE (re: breasts) These aint sugar bags.

38. Steve blinks. STEVE Anyway, I got into an argument with Caitlin tonight. She doesnt seem to like the way Im spending money on her even though I have to. What can I do? SAPPHIRE Heres a tip for you, hon. When women say one thing, we mean another. Men are dumb so its our way to call you everything under the sun without you realising. For example: I think youre a smart guy. Get what I mean? I think. STEVE

SAPPHIRE See? I just called you thick and you didnt even notice. STEVE Im off to my room... He goes to walk off. SAPPHIRE Dont leave, Im only playing. (then) Better example: if a woman claims sex doesnt matter, it means youre crap in bed. STEVE (thinks to himself) Shes said that too... SAPPHIRE When Caitlin goes on about money, shes angry youre only spending it cause you were issued with a warning. You shouldve spoilt her rotten from the start. Seriously? STEVE

SAPPHIRE Yeah. Why dont you go round and sort things out? Here, give her this...

39. Sapphire picks up a GOLDEN BRACELET from behind a milk carton on the coffee table. Its chunky and bling - looks as though it belongs to a hip-hop artists bodyguard. Steve takes it. Thanks! STEVE

With determination, Steve exits the flat. ANGLE - TELEVISION The news channel. Unnecessary CGI EXPLOSIONS that lead into a monolithic graphic saying: FORTNIGHTLY COUPLES TAX REPORT. Another explosion transitions to News Anchor. NEWS ANCHOR Before tonights report, heres the story of Jake Trueblood who last week scooped the lottery, winning nineteen million credits. B-Roll of JAKE TRUEBLOOD (55) and his wife AMANDA (54). They wave towards the camera. NEWS ANCHOR (V.O.; CONTD) Jake used the winnings to buy his wife Amanda the greatest gift of all: Barbados. Picture of the Barbados coastline before returning to Anchor. NEWS ANCHOR (CONTD) Thanks to that, the fortnightly average has risen to four-hundred and thirty-seven credits, with the legal minimum at four-hundred and sixteen. Police reports indicate those beneath that will be arrested as soon as possible-BACK TO SCENE. A SWAT TEAM CRASHES INTO THE APARTMENT, SMASHING through the door and windows. Sapphire yelps in surprise as they enter, guns out, cocked for action. From the bathroom, Ben VOMITS. SWAT TEAM MEMBER (re: bathroom) In there. TWO SWAT MEMBERS go either side of the bathroom door. They RAM it clean off its hinges.

40. Inside the bathroom: the pathetic image of Ben, skin whiteyellow like brie, head halfway down the toilet bowl. They drag Ben into the living room and onto his feet. Delirious, head wobbling about, Ben could puke at any moment. SWAT TEAM MEMBER Wheres Steve Burbank? SAPPHIRE (reluctant) He left a minute ago. SWAT TEAM MEMBER Damn it! (to Ben) Lets go. SWAT Team Member grabs Ben by the shoulder. He leads him out. BEN Sapphire... Help me... Sapphire folds her arms. SAPPHIRE (nose in air) Hmph... Wheres my Barbados? Bens cheeks expand as hes forced away. EXT. CAITLINS HOUSE - NIGHT Caitlins house is a three storey mansion - a ye olde structure wrapped in vines. The gardens greenery clashes with the concrete city. Steves awed reaction shows this is the first time hes been here. He walks down the long, pebbled driveway. Hes about to knock on the door when it heavily creaks open. There in her pyjamas: Caitlin. Yeah? CAITLIN

STEVE How did you know I was here? She directs his attention to the top of the door, a shrub, and a plastic flamingo - security cameras attached to all. The flamingos eye whirs. CAITLIN Lucky I saw you first.

41. STEVE

I--

CAITLIN Why are you here? Or is trespassing another trait you hid from me? STEVE I want to apologise. Oh? CAITLIN

STEVE Do you know how many girlfriends Ive had? One. And that was at primary school. Sexually Ive had nothing. Well, my flatmates at uni claim I got hammered and slept with some girl called June, but I... Caitlin rolls her eyes. STEVE (CONTD) Point is, I dont get women. But after talking to one, I know what every woman wants. I got you this... Steve pulls out the chunky gold bracelet. It shines dully in the moonlight. CAITLIN You dont get it, do you? STEVE Isnt it chunky enough? Caitlin PUNCHES him in the upper arm. Ow! STEVE

CAITLIN Take a look around, Steve! All my life; my Dad, my boyfriends theyve treat me like a monster that feeds on material goods. Mistaking me for someone like... (re: bracelet) Sapphire. (then) Theyve never loved me, or bothered to get to know the real me. I thought Id found someone different. Guess I was wrong.

42. STEVE But what about the Couples Tax? I must spend money. CAITLIN (sadly) I know. Caitlin closes the door. Rejected, Steve slumps back up the driveway. He places the chunky gold bracelet inside his trouser pocket. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CAITLINS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS When Steve steps beyond the drive, a spotlight shines on him-Its the police chopper! On the ground, a police car intercepts Steve. TWO POLICEMEN jump out and stampede at him-Steve holds his hands up without instruction. This doesnt stop the Policemen as they grab their batons. They CLOUT Steve in his ribs and arms-- A STRIKE to Steves face. His top lip BLEEDS-He struggles to keep consciousness as he collapses to his knees-- A baton shot to his back-They handcuff Steve and push him down onto the pavement. Steve looks up. ANGLE - STEVES POV A Policemans boot slams towards his face-BLACK OUT. FADE IN: INT. COURT - DAY Traditional wooden design replaced with stainless steel. The witness stand is a rotting cage. No jury - just a PRESS PIT full of JOURNALISTS taking notes and photographs. Defendants Steve and Ben (still ill) stand in their section alone, prison uniforms over the clothes they were arrested in. Theyre excessively handcuffed. TEN LAWYERS are prosecuting.

43. The JUDGE (56) sits in his normal position. Next to him: a replica of the Old Bailey statue, except its face has been replaced with Valentines. JUDGE I find the defendants guilty. Steve and Ben are astonished. Ben tries to cover his hand to prevent sickness, but the handcuffs restrict him. Thankfully its just dry heaving. STEVE But the case hasnt started! Judge slams his gold plated gavel. JUDGE Mister Burbank, any more from you and youll be charged with contempt. BEN Hes sorry, your greatness. JUDGE Mister Thomas - the police say you were physically incapable of buying gifts due to illness. Youre free to go this time on the condition youre not sick all over the courtroom carpets. A great weight lifts from Bens shoulders. JUDGE As for you Mister Burbank... I havent seen such cheapskatery in all my years. You were one-hundred percent under the spending average this past fortnight. STEVE In all fairness, many people were-The gavel slams again. JUDGE Not to your degree, Mister Burbank. Why, I ought to send you to the third stage now. But the law states you have one more chance, so I have no alternative but to-VOICE (O.S.) Maybe you can, your honour.

44. One of the ten lawyers stands up. Hes small in stature weedy, nasal, punchable face. Go on... JUDGE

LAWYER (to Steve) Mister Burbank, on what date did you receive your debit card? STEVE New Years Eve. LAWYER Correct, and the spending round ended on that day. Therefore you were obligated to spend up to the average then as well. STEVE I was never told anything. Surely thats a fault with the system? LAWYER No, its your fault for not declaring it. JUDGE Mister Burbank, youre charged with withholding money and fraud. Your relationship with Caitlin Hennessey is hereby terminated. Youre banned from having a relationship for five years, after which youll only use dating websites with this as your profile picture: Judge presses a button. Projected on the wall: an image of Steve red-faced, shirtless, inebriated, licking cheese sauce off his forearm. JUDGE I also sentence you to The Machine. Decisive gavel slam. Ben panics as Steve grows quiet. A GUARD grabs Steve by the shoulder and leads him away. BEN (hysterical) What? Is he sentenced to death? Whats The Machine? Whats gonna happen? What?! JUDGE Mister Thomas...

45. BEN (like a scolded child) Sorry sir. INT. HOLDING CELL - DAY Officer Baxter (he who accompanied Pale Man on page 2) leads Steve to a series of holding cells. Baxter opens the cell door to the left. Pushes Steve in. Slams the door shut. Wait here. Baxter walks away. Steve throws his arms up. He steps backwards and sits on the bench in there. Shields face with his hands, contemplating. Thats when an alarm clock goes off. In the cell next to him: a man sleeps on the bench - pillows, duvet and all. Man switches alarm off. He raises his arms, yawns, and sits up. Its... James? STEVE BAXTER

James Trent rubs his eyes. JAMES Hey, if it isnt Steve. It is Steve, right? Right. STEVE

JAMES How are you doing? STEVE Im in jail, so not good. (then) Have you been here since the park thing? That was two weeks ago. JAMES (chuckles) Oh no... James climbs to his feet. He advances to the edge of the cell so hes closer to Steve. JAMES (CONTD) Im three minor offenses removed from that. (MORE)

46. JAMES (CONTD) This time its for distributing offensive materials. You heard of the Kama Sutra? STEVE Is that the one where the book store owner dates a movie star? JAMES Never mind. Im guessing youre here for The Machine? STEVE Hey, wait! You know! Tell me what The Machine is. JAMES Im not doing that. Why? STEVE

JAMES Because youre better off thinking the worst thing imaginable than knowing the truth. Trust me. STEVE The worst thing is death? James motions to his not-dead self. Not death. STEVE

Steve paces manically - his imagination open to all sorts of possibilities now. STEVE Im scared. JAMES Theres nothing to be afraid of. STEVE There is. A million things. The regime for one... JAMES Pfft, I went to school with Valentine. We called him Mister Squeaky as he talked like a mouse. STEVE I didnt know that.

47. JAMES He doesnt matter. You and your girlfriend together - that matters. STEVE Were... Not... JAMES Oh. Im so sorry to hear that. I really am. Officer Baxter returns. He opens Steves cell and motions at him. Steve tightly grips the cell wall. Baxter steps in and pries Steve out with ease. As James gives Steve a gentle nod, Baxter produces a black blindfold. He wraps it over Steves eyes. Unable to see, Steve struggles. ANGLE - STEVES POV Total darkness. Let me go! STEVE

Footsteps indicate they are on the move. EXT. POLICE STATION (ALLEYWAY) - CONTINUOUS Baxter guides Steve down the alleyway next to the police station and into the building adjacent. STEVE Where are you taking me? INT. UNKNOWN ROOM - DAY ANGLE - STEVES POV A flurry of sounds: DOOR SLAMMING and LOCKING! RATTLING! SHUFFLING! CLUNKING! BELTS TIGHTENING! Steve exhales groans as he struggles to escape. BAXTER Hey, relax. Blindfold is removed to reveal... RELAX! Steves poster of the open grave and tombstone now completed, RELAX! slogan added. Its stuck to the ceiling, like a poster found at the dentist.

48. BACK TO SCENE. Steve is tied to The Machine! An archaic contraption made of splintered wood, The Machine combines a rowing machine with a ducking stool and pulley system. Steves arms and legs are strapped down with belts. The Machine is wired to a big red button on the wall. Behind The Machine: a Perspex wall with a room behind it. TWO UNIFORMED OFFICIALS observe from within. Baxter stands over Steve. STEVE Whats going on? BAXTER Its your right to have a demonstration first. STEVE I dont want one. BAXTER Its not your right to turn the demonstration down. Baxter lifts a part of The Machine in between Steves legs up. Its a LARGE RUSTY KNIFE WITH CLAWS ON THE SIDE. For every inch the knife moves, Steves arms are drawn closer together to his thighs due to The Machines detachable parts. They hold him in place. The knife is brought towards Steves crotch. BAXTER Guess what the knifes aiming for. Steve gasps. STEVE But I need that to make Steve Junior with! Baxter sets the knife back to the starting position. Steve pulls his arms to try to loosen the straps. The right strap ever so slightly comes undone. Steve concentrates fully on the right arm. His determination and desperation brings him close to tears. Too late. Baxter struts to the big red button. He salivates.

49. BAXTER

Enjoy.

He presses the big red button! The Machines arms detach and shoot towards the thighs-Knife pelts at his crotch with immense speed-But when Steves arms press against his legs, Machine JAMS! The knife stands millimeters away from his crotch. Steve tussles with the right belt again. BAXTER What the--?! Baxter approaches The Machine. Analyses it. Steve wriggles his arm. The belt finally comes undone. He nurses the free arm. Baxter goes to Steves eye level, only to be PUNCHED in between the eyes. Baxter flops to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Yes! STEVE

The Two Uniformed Officials rush away from their Perspex box. Steve releases his left arm and works on untying his feet. Baxter gets up. He rubs his face in sheer pain. BAXTER You son-of-a-bitch! Right leg is loosened, which Steve uses to awkwardly sweep Baxter in the knees. Baxter wobbles backwards, off balance. Baxter fumes. Rolls up his sleeves. BAXTER If thats how you want to play... He storms forward. Steve sticks out his foot. It takes Baxter by surprise as he trips and SMACKS head first on the edge of The Machine! KNOCKED OUT. Steve searches through his own trouser pocket. He fishes out the chunky gold bracelet. He looks back at The Machine. Puts two and two together.

50. Baxter then groans, which motivates Steve to hurry up unstrapping his left leg. Does so. Steve then crouches over. Rummaging in Baxters pocket, he finds the key to the door. INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS Steve exits. His jaw immediately drops. Across the hallway, Daniels jaw also drops at the sight of Steve. Tense stare down ensues. Stop! Steve runs away. The Two Uniformed Officers chase right behind him. EXT. POLICE STATION (ALLEYWAY) - CONTINUOUS Unaware he was here while blindfolded, Steve takes cover behind a wheelie bin. The Two Uniformed Officers dash past into a CROWD OF PEOPLE. Steve takes a moment before his next move. EXT. CONSECOTECH INDUSTRIES - CONTINUOUS Behind the bench, Steve darkly stares at the Consecotech Industries building - confirmation he was just in there. Like a spy, Steve moves in the ready stance. Head shifts from left to right, body as tight to his surroundings as possible. Checks the coast is clear. It is. He casually stands up and walks away, whistling innocently. Whistling transforms to humming. STEVE (hums) Mm-hm-hm-mm... An ALARM. The electronic billboards above go from the Valentines Day countdown to a picture of Steves mugshot - caption of: WANTED DOA, D PREFERRED... Steve quietly shrieks. He takes cover back in the alleyway. UNIFORMED OFFICER 1 (O.S.)

51. EXT. POLICE STATION (ALLEYWAY) - CONTINUOUS Steve dashes down the alleyway. His foot comes close to treading on a RAT. This leads to... EXT. MAIN STREET - CONTINUOUS He hides behind a sign that says: VALENTINES DAY CELEBRATIONS... ROADS CLOSED BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 17TH AND APRIL 10TH... ACCEPT DELAYS... The street resembles a Thanksgiving parade. Makeshift stands have been constructed and pink/red decorations are hung up. Theres plenty of hubbub as a dress rehearsal takes place. Steve goes to stand. Aborts when a MAN DRESSED AS CUPID, with arrows made of SHARP FLINT, strolls past. When Cupid exits, Steve scuttles to the portable toilet. A GREASY MAN urinates (with the door open) wearing only his boxer shorts. His furry but unidentifiable costume leans against the toilet outside. Steve grabs it. EXT. CITY CENTRE - DAY Its a non-copyrighted version of a Care Bear costume! Pink light projects from a plastic heart on its stomach. Steve hobbles along in the costume. He hands out leaflets to random members of the PUBLIC. STEVE (goofy voice) Dont forget about Valentines Day! MEMBER OF PUBLIC Hard not to. STEVE Good point... (goofy voice) February fourteenth. Be there or incur a fixed thirty credit fine. A DRAINING NOISE. The pink light fades away. Steve inspects the problem. He pulls out a pink liquid capsule from the costume pocket. CLICKS open the heart like a door, places the capsule in the designated slot. It activates and the light comes back alive.

52. STEVE Ah, that should-He bends down for he has no neck. A SMALL CHILD hugs the costumes leg. SMALL CHILD I wuv you Mister Lovebear! STEVE (goofy voice) And I wuv you too. (normal) Please let go. EXT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Steve wanders to the unimpressive apartment block. One final pamphlet is handed out before he heads inside. INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - MOMENTS LATER Another exciting day in the life of Sapphire and Ben theyre watching television. Steve enters in full costume, which confuses his flatmates. He removes the bear head. BEN Steve, what are you doing here? STEVE Had my punishment. Im free to go. BEN What happened? STEVE It was horrible. I dont want to talk about it. SAPPHIRE Why have the police been around looking for you again then? BEN Never mind that, youre on TV! ANGLE - TELEVISION Steves mugshot flies around the screen in a hastily cut and demonic fashion - CGI devil horns and fire attached. Beneath, the screen flashes in bright red: KILL! BACK TO SCENE.

53. NARRATOR (O.S.) The Kill Steve Burbank Show will return after these messages... Steve? SAPPHIRE

STEVE Fine, I escaped. SAPPHIRE You cant stay here. No way. BEN But its his house too. Bens voice trails off towards the end of the dialogue as Sapphire threatens to punch him. STEVE I have nowhere else to go. Sapphire exhales a sigh of dismay - very unsubtle. STEVE Oh, by the way... Steve retrieves the chunky golden bracelet from his pocket and hands it to Sapphire. STEVE (bitter) Thanks for ruining things for the rest of your gender. He winks dryly, and heads to his room. She over-expresses shock to Ben. SAPPHIRE Did you see--? Yeah. BEN

SAPPHIRE Can you believe that? BEN Yes--no. No. INT. APARTMENT (STEVES BEDROOM) - DAY Steve mopes on his bed, deep in thought. He would look melancholic if he werent in the bear costume. Silence for a moment.

54. He sits up. Sees the painting he did with Caitlin - the house made of twigs, the pink sky, them together... His eyes widen. Steve springs to his feet and goes to the easel. As he takes off the bear costume, a couple of pink liquid capsules fall to the ground. He picks them back up. He grabs a paintbrush. Turns to the canvas. EXT. CAITLINS HOUSE - DAY Steve rushes to the door, finished picture obscured under his arm. Having run all the way here, he pours with sweat. He knocks on the door. Puffs and pants as he waits. The door opens. Steve becomes horrified. You?! STEVE

Daniel Huxley stands at the door, the smuggest hes been yet. He wears a dressing gown and smokes a pipe. Me. DANIEL

STEVE (stunned) Why?! What?! Daniel puts an arm around Steves shoulder. He slowly leads him back down the driveway. DANIEL I heard about your little predicament and... Well, Im a kind man. A samaritan, in fact. Poor Caitlin, what if shed died alone from a broken heart because of your selfishness? That wouldve been wrong. STEVE Who are you kidding? Daniel chuckles. DANIEL Okay, you got me. He grunts in satisfaction. Steve attempts to break away from him, but cannot.

55. STEVE Well see what she thinks. DANIEL Ah ah ah! I dont think so. He pulls out a sheet of paper from his gown - a folded and dog-eared official looking document. Open it. DANIEL

Daniel hands the paper to him. Steve is baffled by what he sees: the letterhead shows this is from the STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS. STEVE Rebound Certificate?! Ah ha. DANIEL

STEVE (reads smallprint) Rebound will be null and void in the inevitable case that the persons of the previous relationship fall back in love. (then) Lets go see Caitlin. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CAITLINS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS By this point, they are stood beyond the driveway. DANIEL We could, but youre a bit of a fugitive at the moment. STEVE That wont stop me. DANIEL Ten credits says it will. STEVE Tell me, how much do you know about The Machine? Daniel grins. DANIEL Everything. I designed it. You could say its one of the two reasons I am where I am today... Now if you excuse me, Im going to call the police. (MORE)

56. DANIEL (CONT'D) (calls) All cops are pricks! In the distance: TWO COPS. Theyve heard Daniel. They turn to see Steve by himself. EXT. CAITLINS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Daniel quickly waddles up the driveway. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CAITLINS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS One of the Cops points at Steve. COP You! Stay right there. Steve runs away. EXT. APARTMENT - EVENING Head slumped, eyes to the ground, Steve miserably wanders towards the apartment. A POLICE SIREN CRIES OUT. When blue and red light drenches him, he instinctively leaps behind a wheelie bin. Waits. Nothing happens. He cautiously peers out. In the distance, a police car pointed at the apartment encircled by a group of excitable CHILDREN. They jump on the spot as the siren alarms again. POLICEMAN IN CAR Now run along - were on a stakeout. Awwww! CHILDREN

Steve gasps upon hearing this. He awkwardly scurries away, the canvas hooked under his arm. CRACKLING and FEEDBACK. POLICEMAN IN CAR (on sound system) And remember kids: you can always trust the police. The children wave at the car.

57. EXT. YEOMANS STREET BRIDGE - NIGHT The street sign YEOMNS STREET is grubby and missing an A. Steve shivers as the wind howls and rain pours. He surveys the bridge from afar. An inviting yellow-orange hum radiates from a fire barrel. He carefully steps down the muddy bank. Every footstep squishes and squelches. EXT. YEOMANS STREET BRIDGE - MOMENTS LATER Steve rests - back against the bridge wall, an indescribable mound of dirt for a pillow. Still shivering, he pulls the canvas over himself for warmth. He clamps his eyes shut. HOBO 1 What do you think? Eyes wide open again. Several yards down, TWO HOBOS loiter next to the fire. Hobo 2 presses a sketch against the wall. HOBO 2 Very good, but the body dimensions are disproportionate. HOBO 1 Youre being overly critical. Am not. HOBO 2

HOBO 1 Are to. Just cause I called your work antediluvian. HOBO 2 Moribund. You said moribund. As they get into an indistinct argument, Steve resigns himself. His eyes drift heavier until they close. EXT. FIELD - DAY A dream as signified by the floaty and fuzzy nature of the scene. Steve and Caitlin skip through the long grass. Behind, the sky is bright pink. They approach a house made of twigs and branches. They peer through the glassless window.

58. The layout is bare, just a twig table and two twig chairs. Steve and Caitlin see doppelgngers at the table, who hug each other. Steve climbs through the window towards their doubles. He beckons Caitlin to do the same. But she refuses. Outside the house, Daniel emerges with an axe. Laughing like an over-the-top, theatrical villain, he starts CHOPPING. CHOP. CHOP. CHOP. Zombified in movement and emotion, Caitlin stands at the window. Coldly stares at Steve. Steve runs to her, but hes dragged back by... STRAPS. Hes suddenly tied to THE MACHINE. Daniel now stands on the inside, despite the sound of chopping still echoing outside. He pushes a RED BUTTON ON THE WALL. Outside, Caitlin shambles away. The house COLLAPSES in on itself to a crescendo of timber snapping. The RUSTY KNIFE SWINGS TOWARDS STEVES CROTCH. EXT. YEOMANS STREET BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS An empty can of beans SMACKS Steve in the crotch. Ow! STEVE

He sleepily sits up to see the two Hobos gawking at him. HOBO 1 Sorry, kid. (to Hobo 2) Now look what youve done. HOBO 2 What Ive done?! You scoundrel! Hobo 2 captures Hobo 1 in a headlock. EXT. CITY CENTRE - DAY As the billboard says: 1 DAY UNTIL VALENTINES DAY...

59. Sapphire bends over at a shop window display. She treats a pair of white platform boots with sparkling barnacle-like gems on it with great reverence. Ben stands in the background. He clutches his wallet, tapping it impatiently against his hand. Waits for the inevitable. Lo and behold, Sapphire prowls to him. He hands his debit card over. According to the digitised surface, Ben has already spent 324CR. While Sapphire slinks into the shop, a small stone hits Bens coat. He doesnt notice. Another stone hits his elbow. Ben swivels curiously. Thats when a pebble THWACKS him full-on in between the eyes! He staggers back in pain. Checks for blood. In the alleyway, a scruffy Steve cringes over hitting him. Ben sees and jogs over to him. EXT. CITY CENTRE (ALLEYWAY) - CONTINUOUS Steve? BEN

Steve guides Ben to a patch of heavy shadow, masking them. BEN You look terrible. Why didnt you come home last night? STEVE Police are on the lookout there. BEN Oh. How did it go with Caitlin? STEVE I slept under a bridge. BEN Not well then? Steve stares at Ben sarcastically. STEVE The good news is, I know how to fix everything. But I need your help. BEN (gulps) You do?

60. EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - DAY For a single storey white cuboid building with spacious parking facilities, the State Office is quite ominous. BEN (O.S.) No way. Find another friend. Reveal Steve and Ben hidden behind the buildings sign. STEVE I dont have any. BEN Too bad. Im already a lawbreaker, the scourge of society, public enemy number one. But not anymore, you hear? Im going straight! STEVE You broke the law once. BEN One and a half, at least. Helping you is at least another three. Ben becomes pale. BEN (CONTD) The Machine... STEVE Please, Im at your mercy. Youre my only hope. Deep in thought, Ben sways side to side in inner turmoil seemingly torn between a devil and an angel on his shoulders. He exhales anguish. Fine. Thank y-BEN STEVE

BEN On one condition: you must tell me what The Machine actually is. But why? STEVE

Ben threatens to walk away. STEVE Okay. Okay...

61. Its Steve turn to fight conflicting thoughts. Silence as he musters the courage to speak. Steve runs a hand through his hair before he sighs. STEVE The Machine is... (then) Its a rusty knife and... It cuts off your balls. Just like that. BEN Its basically my relationship with Sapphire? STEVE (nervously snickers) Glad you said it. BEN Its not that bad then. Steve frowns. STEVE Not that bad? BEN I thought The Machine would, say, scoop out your brain and replace it with a toad or something. Steve raises an eyebrow. STEVE So do you want to help? BEN Not really. STEVE Great! Lets do this... INT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - MOMENTS LATER From a wider perspective, the office resembles both a post office and job centre. On the walls are bland promotional posters - token happy people smile above captions such as: FIND THE GIRLFRIEND YOU WANT... Ben shakily enters. The booths, desks, and customer areas are vacant bar one clerk (name badge: ANDERSON) at the far end. Ben twitches his head in every conceivable angle as he approaches Anderson, his nervousness blatant.

62. BEN

Hi, Id--

ANDERSON Surname, first name, and registration if youre a returning customer please. BEN Uh... Thomas, Ben... Two, three, zero, zero, one, two, nine-(then) No, sorry: zero, zero, zero. Anderson inputs the information into a computer. ANDERSON What can I do for you today? BEN Im here to enquire about... (points aimlessly) That. His finger points at a poster: COUPLES TAX PLUS... TWICE THE LOVE... Above the caption are men in suits. ANDERSON Great choice. Five percent of your fortnightly tax payment will go to the impoverished. Ben squints at the poster. BEN Are those chartered accountants? How are they needy? ANDERSON They need-de-posits for their villas. When Ben looks back at Anderson, he flinches as... Over Andersons shoulder: Steve infiltrates the far office through the back door. He creeps in. Tip-toes out of view. Anderson glances at Ben, who snaps back into concentration. BEN (forced) Please. Do tell more. INT. STATE OFFICE (FAR OFFICE) - CONTINUOUS A wall of filing cabinets tower over Steve.

63. One overwhelmed look later, he runs his finger past the handwritten labels: Aa-Am, An-Az, Ba-Bm... Finds Bn-Bz. Steve gently pulls the draw out, freezing at every slight noise made to ensure hes not caught. The draw stretches out three yards before a mechanism stops it going further. He hurriedly scans through the end of the draw. Finds surnames Brooks, Brown, Butcher... Too far. Back one: Burbank, Steve. Tugs the paper folder out. Opens it to find a scruffy note written with a black marker pen: SEE COMPUTER. He cross references other paper files. One after another, they just say SEE COMPUTER inside them. He balances the files on the edge of the cabinet. Glances at the antiquated desktop computer beside him. INT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS ANDERSON By signing up, you would be required to pay double the average rate, a top-up charge every April, and attend charity fund-raisers. BEN For the chartered accountants? ANDERSON Dont be stupid. For the CEOs. Ben nods halfheartedly. SAPPHIRE (O.S.) Ben, why are you in here? Sheer horror from Ben. Sapphire staggers to the desk, feebly negotiating her new platform shoes. Ben doesnt answer, rather he gapes at her as though shes a ghost. Well? No response. He... ANDERSON SAPPHIRE

64. Ben jolts. He makes simultaneous gestures at Anderson shakes his head, makes a cut-throat sign, prays at him. ANDERSON (CONTD) He is about to sign up to the Couples Tax Plus package. Ben slumps. Sapphire gasps in excitement. You are? SAPPHIRE

She sort of hugs him. SAPPHIRE Oh, Ben... This is so great, I might let you touch me tonight. Ben almost bursts into tears. INT. STATE OFFICE (FAR OFFICE) - CONTINUOUS At the computer, Steve clicks the mouse. A black and blue wireframe database with a touch-screen keyboard loads up on the monitor. A pop-up box commands him to ENTER NAME. He types STEVE BURBANK on the screen... Which comes out as STRBE BITNABK. Steve lowly grumbles. Glimpses down to see a tangible keyboard connected next to him. He uses that to type STEVE BURBANK properly. His profile appears on-screen. Blocky red writing next to every field labels him a FUGITIVE and CHEAPSKATE. INT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS Anderson slides a saffron 88DL APPLICATION FORM in front of a petrified Ben. ANDERSON Fill out this form. Sapphire forces a pen into Bens hands. With great hesitation, Ben journeys the pen towards the paper. The ballpoint touches. Then, a LOUD RATTLE of paper from the back office!

65. ANDERSON What in the divine name of Valentine was that? INT. STATE OFFICE (FAR OFFICE) - CONTINUOUS That was the paper files falling from the cabinet. Steves eyes widen at the mess until Anderson charges into the room. He stares angrily at Steve. You! ANDERSON

(then) Wait right there. He storms away again. INT. STATE OFFICE (MEETING ROOM) - CONTINUOUS Anderson barges into the room. The remainder of the building is vacant because the DOZEN STAFF plus their MANAGER are crammed into the room for a presentation by a man in blue overalls (call him LATHAM). ANDERSON We have a security breach. MANAGER How dare you interrupt. But-ANDERSON

MANAGER Do follow procedure. I am. ANDERSON

MANAGER Youre not. You may only bring up your issue in the Any Other Business part of the agenda. (to Latham) Sorry. Latham coughs. LATHAM As I was saying: its not a problem now, but it could be in the future. Thats why you should invest in... Pressing a button, his company logo projects on the wall.

66. LATHAM (CONTD) Latham Security Solutions. INT. STATE OFFICE (FAR OFFICE) - CONTINUOUS Steve hovers the mouse pointer over the EDIT button. Has a sudden change of heart. He returns to the pop-up box command, types CAITLIN HENNESSEY, and presses ENTER. Caitlins profile appears, with a reference to Daniel Huxley right underneath. Steve clicks the EDIT button. Grows tense as the computer loads slowly. Finally, a list of administrative options. At the bottom of the extensive list: TERMINATE CURRENT RELATIONSHIP. He clicks the hyperlink. The hourglass icon agonisingly rotates. INT. STATE OFFICE (MEETING ROOM) - CONTINUOUS The short presentation has ended. MANAGER Any other business? ANDERSON Yes! Intruder! MANAGER Yes, quite. Well, I think we should discuss that at the next meeting, which will be...? Everybody minus Anderson exhibit their diaries. They casually flip through the pages. ANDERSON March Fifteen? Cant. STAFF 1 STAFF 2 Fishing that day.

STAFF 3 Why not the day after? MANAGER Are you joking? Thats the day of The Great Feast. LATHAM Oh, that reminds me of a great story from last years Feast--

67. Anderson cracks his knuckles. ANDERSON If you lot wont with this, I will. He surges out of the meeting room. Slams the door behind him, which makes the entire room shake. INT. STATE OFFICE (FAR OFFICE) - CONTINUOUS Steve gawks at the screen. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TERMINATE THIS RELATIONSHIP? Y/N With gravitas, he darts his finger towards the Y button... And hits nothing but table. An infuriated Anderson stands tall - keyboard clasped, angled high in the air, ready to deploy. Andersons teeth grit together. Skin transforms to a pinky-purple. ANDERSON Youre not getting by on my watch. Not when Im up for promotion. STEVE Woah, easy there. Anderson swings violently. Steve barely dodges the keyboard. Swings again - same result. ANDERSON Im gonna stick this so far up your backside, youll cough up the Escape key. Another swing. Anderson puts so much might into it, the keyboard slips from his grip. It SHATTERS against the wall opposite - loose keys scatter in all directions. As Andersons momentum carries him forward, Steve leaps at the monitor-In mid-air, he taps the touch-screen keyboard-And flops to the ground. Quickly refers to the screen. Anderson dives at him. Steve rolls out of the way in the nick of time. He stumbles back to his feet. Grounded, Anderson desperately snatches for Steves trouser leg. Steve slips away, and staggers out of the office - face plagued with defeat.

68. On screen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO TERMINATE THIS RELATIONSHIP? Y/N The letter H blinks underneath. INT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS Application half-written out, Ben is paralysed. Eyes glazed over. In a state of shock. Sapphire loudly sighs. SAPPHIRE Must I do everything myself? She guides Bens writing hand over the application. INT. CAITLINS HOUSE (DINING ROOM) - NIGHT Caitlin - despondent, losing the will to live - wallows in deathly silence. The sound gradually bleeds in to the unmistakable thundering laugh of Daniel. Daniel sits next to Caitlin, and opposite her DAD (56, slicked back hair, greying moustache). Daniel and Dad interact as though theyve been best friends for years. He wipes a tear from his eye. DANIEL Oh, you crack me up. DAD You like to laugh, huh? DANIEL I love comedy - the edgier the better. Have you heard this latest fad: mother-in-law jokes? No? DAD

DANIEL Heres one... Dad giggles in anticipation. DANIEL (CONTD) Okay. What does a mother-in-law call her broom? DAD I dont know. What? DANIEL Basic transportation.

69. They both erupt in laughter. DAD (fits of laughter) Because shes a witch! It takes a moment for them to settle down. DANIEL Heres another one: how many motherin-laws does it take to screw in a light-bulb? (then) None. She always get her son-in-law to do it. Another uproar. DAD So true. Isnt that right, Martha? His ninety-year-old mother-in-law MARTHA has been sat at the table all along. She rolls her eyes. DAD (to Martha) Why dont you make yourself useful for once and find out where your daughter is with dinner? Caitlin shoots to her feet. CAITLIN Ill get Mum. She practically sprints out of the room. INT. CAITLINS HOUSE (HALLWAY) - CONTINUOUS Kitchen with its lights on to the left, stairs leading to darkness on the right. Caitlin contemplates both options. Daniels piercing laugh from the other room influences her. She gently creeps up the stairs. EXT. CAITLINS HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER The top right window slides open. Caitlin comes into sight. She props her legs over the windowsill, shuffles along, and grabs the vines on the side of the house. She swings. Her arms dangle from the greenery that, despite creaking, bears her weight. She digs her feet into the wall.

70. Caitlin climbs down. INT. CAITLINS HOUSE (DINING ROOM) - NIGHT From Marthas shocked reaction, another joke has been had at her expense. Daniel and Dad are at the tittering stage. DAD So what are you getting my dear daughter for Valentines Day? DANIEL Shes had it, not that shes realised. Its called the Getinkitchen D-Five Hundred. Genuine look of intrigue from Caitlins Dad. DAD The Getinkitchen D-Five Hundred? DANIEL Its a bracelet and a tracking device. If my lose my darling sugar plum, this will return her to me. Something catches Dads eye. DAD Lose her like right now? He gestures at a wall full of monitors behind Martha. It displays the angles of the previously referenced security cameras. Two of the blurry screens show Caitlin as she dashes down the driveway. DANIEL For example... He pulls out a remote control device attached to his keys. EXT. CAITLINS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Caitlin pratfalls. She searches behind to untangle whatever tripped her up. Theres nothing there. Yet when she moves further forward, a force pulls her back again. Caitlin notices the bracelet on her wrist. The centre of it blinks a scorching red outline of a shackle.

71. She claws at the bracelet, feverishly trying to remove it. Despite her mounting frenzy, shes incapable of doing so. INT. CAITLINS HOUSE (DINING ROOM) - MOMENTS LATER Caitlin strops back to her seat at the dinner table. Without eye contact. Without a single word. DANIEL The best thing? It counts towards the Couples Tax total. DAD Superb! I need to buy one of those. One last gush of laughter from Daniel and Caitlins Dad. EXT. PARADE - DAY HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! The billboards explode pixillated fireworks behind the standard picture of Valentine. For this occasion, his image is overlaid with pink. The charismatic cold stare remains. On the ground: street and makeshift stands packed with PEOPLE. They cheer and wave flags shaped like hearts. Steve stands behind one section of the crowd. His eye level doesnt surpass the crowds height. He hops up - still cant see anything. STEVE (to himself) Where are you? He leans back against a building. Turns to see that the premises stretch six-storeys high. A smaller structure on top suggests an open roof area. EXT. OPEN ROOF - MOMENTS LATER Steve crouches behind the concrete wall. Peers over to the ground below. EXT. PARADE DAY - CONTINUOUS The Valentines Day parade is underway.

72. A float that mocks-up the State Office of Relationships. A papier-mch couple hug, delighted as a mannequin solidifies their relationship by rubber stamping a form. This is done through robotics, so the mechanism is simplistic and rigid. Next is Cupid, satchel full of flint arrows. He doesnt fire them for obvious reasons. Just waves instead. Behind him is a float of a man and woman in bed, ecstatic that a robotic stork has appeared. Stork carries a swag bag with CR printed on its side. Money spills out of the bag. The float is called TAX REBATE. After that, an army of CARE BEARS march in a militaristic manner. They throw paper love hearts at the spectators. They project rays of pink light from their stomachs. EXT. OPEN ROOF - CONTINUOUS This reminds Steve: he fishes out the pink liquid capsule from his trouser pocket. Drops it to the ground before he continues to search the parade. In the background, the exit door BANGS OPEN. Steve tracks back. Sees James Trent and his soulmate LINDA (Voodoo Queen Lady from page 25) there. Steve and James exchange confused looks. STEVE James? What are you doing here? JAMES I was about to ask the same thing. STEVE Im searching for Caitlin. JAMES Not giving up, huh? STEVE Wish it was as simple as that. For a split second, James looks impatient. James? Hmmmm? STEVE JAMES

STEVE What was it like? Being subjected to The Machine?

73. JAMES It hurt. A lot. That happened six months ago now. Truth be told, I only got over it recently. Its quite an adjustment having to live without... You know... STEVE Your penis? JAMES (coughs) Yes, Steve. My penis. (then) Im lucky to have such a loving and understanding soulmate. He puts an arm around Lindas shoulder. She smiles. JAMES Who knows what I wouldve done without Linda by my side? Without her, Id have died inside. You know what I mean? I do now. STEVE

James and Linda step forward... JAMES Now if you-STEVE One more question. ...which stops them in their tracks. Shoot. JAMES

STEVE Youve broke the law nine times. What happens after The Machine? JAMES Thats the beauty: the courts didnt terminate our relationship, so I exposed a key flaw. There are no punishments after The Machine, just a fine here and there. (then) Its about time other flaws in the system came to light. Steve sticks his head beyond the roof again.

74. STEVE (distracted) Yeah... EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS The inflatable balloon portion of the parade. A blimp declares this fortnights Couples Tax average: 340CR. NEW VALENTINES DAY RECORD... it blinks afterwards. EXT. OPEN ROOF - CONTINUOUS Steve gasps. EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS CAITLIN. She wanders alone. Like at the French restaurant, she is uncomfortable by her surroundings. An invisible force tugs her. As she leers at her wrist, Daniel grabs her. He leads Caitlin somewhere. She offers little hostility. Daniel mouths something to Caitlin while they weave through the crowds. Chatty, casual, but a one-way conversation. They come to a hot dog stand below Steves position. Daniel holds up his index finger and waits for the VENDOR to serve the order. This is actually a DIAMOND NECKLACE STAND. Vendor uses a pair of plastic tongs to pull out a necklace from within his stall. Daniel forks over the debit card. He presents the gift to Caitlin. She rolls her eyes. EXT. OPEN ROOF - CONTINUOUS Steve rushes past James and Linda. Got to go. STEVE

He exits. James and Linda collectively sigh in relief. They rush to the door. As Linda nails a wooden plank across the closed door, James reaches for an object out of view. LINDA I thought hed never leave.

75. JAMES The youth of today... James reveals a large, faded green, circular weapon. A BAZOOKA! EXT. PARADE - MOMENTS LATER From within the six-storey building: footsteps clatter down a set of stairs. Steve exits through the side entrance. Hes about to dash forward when he sees... Two members of security in uniform (call them DEREK and ROGER). Backs turned, they dont notice him. Caitlin walks past, unaware. Steve sprints down the entrance into an... EXT. ALLEYWAY - CONTINUOUS A pile of cardboard boxes stacked to the side - the dirty bins and other paraphernalia belonging to a restaurant. Steve slams through them like a 1970s cop car. Continues on to... EXT. STREET PASSAGE - CONTINUOUS The coast is clear at the end of the passage. Steve stampedes back towards... EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS Steve puts his hands on his knees, tired. He looks to the left - Caitlin is across the street, hidden behind the operators of a blimp manoeuvring the strings. DANIEL (O.S.) Hello Steve. Steve spins around in fright. Indeed, Daniel stands in front of him. Steve opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes out. It takes him a moment to conjure up basic words...

76. STEVE You! What-DANIEL Now, now. Case you havent noticed, its advantage me. STEVE Please... Dont call the police. Ill give you anything you want. You name it. DANIEL Lets see, I make more money than you. Have a nice car. Nice house. And Ill be porking Caitlin when she stops acting so fussy. Nope, you have nothing I want. Daniel thinks for a moment. DANIEL Although... Although? STEVE

DANIEL I can offer you something. I have contacts. How about a clean record and your job back? Even better, a promotion. What? STEVE

DANIEL What, sir. You could become my P.A. - mowing my lawn, washing my car, shining my shoes. The pay is less, but the prestige of working personally for me is priceless. Oh and by accepting youll give up Caitlin forever. Agreed? N-STEVE

DANIEL That... (re: Derek and Roger) Or well get those nice gentlemen involved. Your choice. Steve clenches his fists. STEVE Fine. Okay. Deal.

77. DANIEL Great! One more thing, youll get your own Company Girlfriend. Like a company car, except... Well, more like a company truck really. (looks around) There she is. Daniel waves to Rita (from page 4)! Distracted by the parade, even Ritas half-wave back has a hint of murderous intent to it. DANIEL Introducing the other reason I am where I am today: Rita. (glum) The boss daughter. STEVE (quietly) Weve met. DANIEL If you could hurry up with an affair so I can divorce her, thatd be fantastic. As Steve cringes at the thought, Daniel holds out his hand. A moment of reluctance from Steve. They shake on it, to the evil delight of his boss. Little does he realise Steves fingers are crossed behind his back. And little does Steve realise that Caitlin is watching them from across the street. Distraught, she races away. EXT. OPEN ROOF - CONTINUOUS James communicates on a walkie-talkie. JAMES (to walkie-talkie) Valentines speech is in T-minus ten minutes. Repeat, Valentines speech is in T-minus ten minutes. Over. Disconnects. He aligns the bazooka against the concrete wall.

78. Meanwhile, Linda spots an object on the floor: the pink liquid capsule. She retrieves the capsule and plops it in the bazookas barrel. She shrugs at James. Why not? LINDA

James grins before he faces the parade. JAMES Time to go down, Mister Squeaky. EXT. SIDE STREET - CONTINUOUS Between two buildings, Caitlin - whose mascara runs determinedly wedges her bracelet against the wall and ground. She picks up a rock next to her. Wraps the diamond necklace around it. Against the smoggy sun, it partially glistens. Caitlin STRIKES the bracelet. WHACK. WHACK. WHACK. With an exhaled grunt: WHACK. The bracelet splits at the clip. BALD MAN (O.S.) Yeah! Rock and roll! In front of her: a BALD MAN, an improbable three-hundred pound cluster of fat and muscle. EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS Steve glances across the street - Caitlin has gone. Daniel watches with a self-congratulatory smirk on his face as Steve, dejected, skulks into the distance. He turns away. A game plan forms. Grabs the remote control attached to his keys and clicks the button several times in succession. The crowd grow distracted across the street. They goggle towards the floor, or get on their toes to check an unseen development. Laughter from some. Daniel jaywalks.

79. EXT. SIDE STREET - CONTINUOUS As Daniel cuts through the crowd... DANIEL There you are, my diamond. Daniel splutters on his own words when he sees the epicentre is actually Bald Man on the floor. Bald Man has the bracelet wrapped around his wrist. Bald Man stands. Overshadows Daniel. DANIEL (nervous) Youre not my girlfriend. Not that you cant be... Uh, I mean Im flattered but the paperwork for single gender relationships is just too much... He sees Caitlin in the distance. She crawls beyond the crowd, constantly checking back to see if Daniel spots her. DANIEL (nervous to Bald Man) Bye now. Daniel hastily squeezes back through the crowd DANIEL (shouts) Caitlin! This leaves Bald Man red-faced. Bald Man growls and rips the bracelet off his wrist effortlessly. EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS Caitlin bolts. But Daniel catches her by the arm. CAITLIN Let go of me! Caitlin... DANIEL

Daniel get down on one knee. From his pocket, he produces an engagement ring! Caitlin looks horrified.

80. DANIEL You will marry me! What? Right now! CAITLIN DANIEL

Caitlin exerts greater resistance as Daniel pulls her along. Heels scrap against the pavement. CAITLIN No... No... (screams) STEVE! This grabs Steves attention, and everyone elses in close proximity. An OLD COUPLE warmly gaze at Caitlin and Daniel. OLD WOMAN Look at them. Isnt it beautiful? STEVE (yells) Ill save you-Two more attentions grabbed: Derek and Rogers. They recognise Steve. DEREK Burbank! Freeze! In one direction: Derek and Roger chase Steve away. Random crowd members dodge out of the way of the pursuit. Another direction: Caitlin forced away by Daniel. And in another: rapturous applause fills the air as a limousine with HEAVIES covering every direction slowly rolls towards a makeshift stage with a podium on. Finally, VALENTINE! Valentine steps out of the limo. He looks significantly older and shorter than the billboards suggest. With aged caution, he wobbles against the limo. He waves to the masses with a twisted smile. EXT. SIDE STREET - CONTINUOUS The hoopla from the crowd gives Steve the window to lose Derek and Roger. He ducks within a sea of people, behind a homemade WE LOVE VALENTINE banner.

81. Derek and Roger run the other way. A moment later, Steve rises. He searches for Daniel and Caitlin. Nothing. ROGER (O.S.) There he is! Steve shrieks and exits the other way. EXT. OPEN ROOF - CONTINUOUS With calculation, James configures the bazooka in regards to whats going on below. Linda watches from another angle. Its time. Yes, dear. LINDA JAMES

He stands up and removes the bazooka from its stand. PING! James drops the weapon. An unknown entity has shot a bullet through the lip of the barrel! JAMES Theyre onto us. He slides over to his wife. Creeps his eyesight over the edge of the roof, where he sees... ANGLE - JAMESS POV A gathering of POLICE at the buildings entrance. In formation, they charge inside. EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS Valentine walks up the several steps to the podium with great effort. He salutes the crowd as their adulation quietens. Hes all by his lonesome on stage. But another angle reveals TWO GUARDS in front of the stage, THREE at the back, ONE at the stairs, and SEVEN in the general vicinity. Not to mention SNIPERS in the buildings behind. Glasses on, he removes a prepared speech from his pocket - a crumpled piece of paper that he irons out with his hand.

82. VALENTINE Thank you for the kind reception. Valentines voice BOOMS, a commanding digital baritone. Like a hundred foot tall Darth Vader. VALENTINE You know, after so many years doing this, I wasnt sure if youd all be sick of me by now. What should be a courteous laugh from the audience is actually loud and forced. Valentine reacts pathetically to it. Hes trained them this way. VALENTINE But we come back every year cause one theme runs throughout our society - love. Weve transformed it into a beautiful thing. Thanks to the Couples Tax system, men and women know where they stand with each other. None of this emotion that once crippled the human spirit. EXT. OPEN ROOF - CONTINUOUS Valentines speech continues inaudibly. A second wooden plank added to the exit door, James dashes back to Linda. The door BANGS. The second wooden plank tumbles straight away. Linda hurriedly hands the bazooka to James. He hoists it over his shoulder and steps on the edge of the building. Looks down. Its a long drop to the ground below. EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS Back to the speech. VALENTINE Soulmates. Togetherness. Theyre archaic terms. How can you base a relationship on concepts that dont physically exist? Thats why weve evolved to this. A system so powerful, the economy relies on it. Thats something to be proud of.

83. EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS End of the parade trail, floats and CAST MEMBERS have parked up - the ominous white State Office building behind them. Daniel drags Caitlin along as Cast Members passively look on. Caitlin thumps him a few times in the arm. He exclaims pain but not enough to let go. DANIEL Come on. No need to be like that. Up yours! CAITLIN

Caitlin STOMPS Daniels foot, heel digging between his toes. Daniel finally loses his grasp. She doesnt get far before Daniel coils back her in. Creep! CAITLIN

Somebody grabs her left arm. Heads dart in that direction... Steve! CAITLIN

Steve stands, dogged, with a deadly serious look on his face. STEVE (to Daniel) Let go. DANIEL No, you let go. CAITLIN Will both of you let me go? Steve reluctantly does. No. DANIEL

Just as he drags her along again, CAITLIN DRILLS DANIEL IN THE FACE. He flops to the floor HARD! Nice one. STEVE

CAITLIN Oh no. Youre not going to waltz in here and act like the hero after your behaviour. (re: Daniel) I saw you shake his hand.

84. STEVE It was a trick. I had my fingers crossed and everything. Caitlin stares sadly at the ground. STEVE You have to believe me. EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS VALENTINE And thats why we must strive to raise the spending average. With love, we can finance wars. JAMES (O.S.) (shouts)

Hey!

Valentine, and by proxy everyone else, looks up to James position. From a long way away, nothing about James is recognisable - just a silhouette with a tube. JAMES (shouts) You wanna know what love really-James wobbles as the wind picks up. He teeters towards the edge. Linda holds him back. JAMES Woah... (shouts) You want to know what love really looks like? Try this for size! James AIMS the bazooka right at Valentine. The crowd GASPS. EXT. OPEN ROOF - CONTINUOUS A GUNSHOT FROM THE BUILDING ACROSS. It misses James, ricochetting inches from his feet. Several more bullets FIRE and miss. He changes tact as he jumps backwards and crouches behind the concrete wall. The door finally gives way! This is it. A DOZEN POLICEMEN barge in, guns loaded. James aims the bazooka at Valentine. Then reroutes towards the sky.

85. He squeezes the trigger! The missile cascades high into the atmosphere like a launched rocket ship. Its A BALL OF LIGHT, tinged with the pink liquid capsule. EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS Ben and Sapphire gaze in awe, along with other spectators. As do Valentines Security Guards. The pulsating pink light reflects in their sunglasses. EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS Caitlin, Steve, and Daniel in the same positions as before frozen. Gobsmacked by the missile. EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS Valentine too observes. Though his eyes track every movement of the lights journey, he stays unemotional. Thanks to the distraction, nobody notices Pete and another hippy (DRAKE) invade the stage! They stand behind Valentine. EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS The pink ball ascends higher and higher. EXT. SKY - CONTINUOUS The point of view of the missile. Burning in energy, the light shows no sign of slowing down. The mix of ethereal colours make for a beautiful spectacle. Until a crow gets in the way, anyway. CAW! Missile versus crow... EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS Missile wins. MASSIVE EXPLOSION! The sky fills up - dullish smog overcome with a sickly pink. Exactly the same pink as in Steves drawing and dream.

86. The crowd expresses wonderment. Specifically: Oooooo... EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS A tear in Caitlins eye. CAITLIN (to Steve) This is like our picture. STEVE I know... (to himself) I must retrieve that from under the bridge sometime. CAITLIN What was that? Nothing... STEVE

She rushes over and bearhugs Steve, the strength of which surprises him. Caitlin follows up with a kiss on the cheek. Then their lips set course. As they painfully slowly aim towards each other... DANIEL Excuse me, I do believe shes mine. Daniel drags Cupid to the ground and snatches his bow and arrows off him. He aims an arrow between Steves eyes, one slip away from instant death! CAITLIN Daniel, no! EXT. OPEN ROOF - CONTINUOUS With the bazooka smoking, James drops it to the ground. Bazooka lands with a dull THUD. The dozen Policemen lower their weapons. One stands forward and makes a hand gesture. FRONT POLICEMAN Hes unarmed. You know what to do. Several Policemen pin James and Linda to the ground. The handcuffs are prepared. James struggles with all his might. A PUNCH to the face soon eradicates that.

87. LINDA

James!

An unused Policemen looks over the edge towards the podium. Colour drains from his face. He physically stutters - voice backfiring several times. STUTTERING POLICEMAN G-G-Guys. We have another problem. EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS Valentine coughs. VALENTINE As I was saying... PETE Its time for a revolution! Pete fist pumps. Valentine nonchalantly rotates to them. Mockingly applauds. VALENTINE Stage invasion... Well done! You do realise youre surrounded by snipers, dont know? Drake crosses his legs. DRAKE Please, were non-violent. PETE Speak for yourself. An unseen sniper FIRES A WARNING SHOT - on target as it penetrates a section of stage next to Pete. VALENTINE There will be no incursion. Tell your other hippy friends to reveal themselves. DRAKE There are no others. (then) There were, but theyre hippies. Theyre probably busy travelling some funky cosmos right now. From behind, Valentines Security Guards tackle Pete and Drake. Drake submits, while Pete gets a kidney punch in before being fully restrained.

88. VALENTINE (re: James direction) Bring the others here too. EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS As before, with Steve frozen in fear. CAITLIN (to Daniel) What are you doing?! DANIEL Offing your lover, what does it look like? There! DEREK (O.S.)

Derek and Roger appear. They show determination to arrest Steve, only to be taken aback by the current situation. ROGER (to Steve; unsure) Youre under arrest? Derek draws a gun. But who to point it at? EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS Drake and Pete are on their knees, hands behind their head. Four Security Guards clutch guns beside them. The Policemen from the roof carry James and Linda. They roughly hurl them on stage. A Guard instructs the two to line up with the others in the same stance. VALENTINE This is what happens when you dont show the spirit of Valentines Day. The Security Guards march around. They elevate their guns and point them at the Hippies heads. Lest we forget about the thousands of people in the audience. They stand silent, mouths open wide enough to fit bowling balls in. EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS Derek points the gun at Steve.

89. CAITLIN Are you nuts? DEREK (re: Daniel) This man is doing a great duty for the state. I think. The various laws say he is, anyway. Daniel stands up. He childishly gestures at Caitlin - an expression of HAHA, I am right, you are wrong! DANIEL Does this mean I can... Yknow...? He simulates letting the string on the bow go. DEREK It does not-Caitlin shoves Roger into Derek! Derek tumbles to the concrete floor, which makes his gun trigger... The bullet hits a Care Bear costume, thankfully vacated. Daniel distracted, Steve wrestles the bow and arrow away from him. Throws them to the ground with a METALLIC CLANG. Steves position leaves him wide open. Daniel bites him on the arm! Steve SCREAMS in pain. Steve pushes Daniels face back, releasing him from his jaws. EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS Ready... VALENTINE

Valentine holds up his arm. The Guards cock their guns. Linda and James hold hands. Their heads collapse into each other. Tears form. This is the end, but at least theyre dying together. EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS Steve pushes Daniel backwards. With a PRIMAL SCREAM, he shoulder-barges Daniel. Daniels chunky body hurtles towards... THE PARADES RAMSHACKLE POWER GRID.

90. Daniel lands on the grid like an elephant landing on a coke can. Crushed. Sparks fly everywhere. DRAINING. EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS Draining sound faintly in the background. VALENTINE (in normal squeaky voice) And... Uh. Silence. A moment of self-realisation. Valentines mouth gapes open. Did the audience just hear his natural voice? Yes. The audience are shocked. Ben lets out a single CHORTLE. Which triggers an infestation of UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER. People keel over and roll on the floor as they laugh so hard. The uproar is DEAFENING. VALENTINE Stop it! All of you! EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS As the power grid CRACKS and FIZZLES, Daniel picks himself up from the wreckage and dusts his clothes down. Derek grabs Steve and contorts his arm behind his back in a hammerlock. DEREK Youre coming with us. Roger witnesses the audience laughing in the distance. Uh, boss? ROGER

EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS The laughter goes on... And on... And on. Valentines panicked eyes resemble a game of ping-pong. VALENTINE Cease this laughing now. No compliance.

91. VALENTINE (to Guards) Shoot the hippies. SECURITY GUARD (mock high pitched voice) Shoot the hippies. The Security Guards and Hippies guffaw. Both sets of people roll on the floor in stitches. Without warning, audience members fling cards at Valentine. One strikes him on the nose and lands on the podium. Its a DEBIT CARD. Four other cards also land on the podium. VALENTINE Stop it. This is insanity! Have you all gone mad? Am I the only sane man here? MALE VOICE (O.S.) You dont sound like one! The laughter starts all over again. EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS Dereks moment of indecision ends as he releases Steve. Daniel chokes on air. DANIEL What are you doing? DEREK Look whats happening. I seriously doubt hell have any charges to answer for come tomorrow morning. Daniel exacerbates disbelief. DANIEL! RITA (O.S.)

Ritas voice makes Daniel go pale. Godzilla-like, she stomps into the scene, enraged beyond belief. CAITLIN Whos that? His wife. STEVE

92. CAITLIN (to Daniel) You were going to have two wives?! WHAT?! RITA

Rita POUNDS Daniel in the stomach - the sheer force of the blow makes Derek and Roger wince. Daniel falls to his knees, doubled over in pain. The pain seems to subside when Derek grabs him. DANIEL What are you doing? DEREK Youre under arrest. DANIEL Hey! What about having no charges to answer to tomorrow? DEREK Polygamy is illegal in any country or regime these days. Apart from America, but theyre weird. Daniel struggles as hes cuffed. EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS The crowd disperse. All thats left behind are empty plastic cups, burger wrappers, and debit cards. Valentine desperately grips the podium. VALENTINE Come back and respect me, you fools. If you dont abide the Couples Tax, the whole economy is in the toilet. You hear me? As Pete, Drake, and the Security Guards go their own way James and Linda stroll to Valentine, arms linked. JAMES Damn shame the system ran on fear than respect. It wouldve been less fragile, you know? EXT. PARADE - CONTINUOUS Next to Sapphire, Ben bites his upper lip. He elevates and lowers his toes anxiously in anticipation. This is a big moment for him. He prepares by strongly coughing.

93. BEN Sapphire, the last few years have been horrible. Yeah, you heard right. Thats why Im-SAPPHIRE The Couples Tax thing is over then? BEN Yeah, but-SAPPHIRE In that case, Im leaving you. Bye! Sapphire nonchalantly waves at Ben and walks away. This leaves him stupefied. BEN But it was my time... Sapphire approaches a stranger nearby, who is too busy analysing his order at a burger van to notice her coming. This happens to be Sebastian. She taps Sebastian on the shoulder. Youll do. What? SAPPHIRE SEBASTIAN

She lays one right on the lips. Sebastian firstly struggles. Then assimilates. SEBASTIAN (muffled) Lets go violate every health and safety regulation possible... Still watching, Ben nearly throws up. BEN But... But... But... EXT. PODIUM - CONTINUOUS Remain with Valentine, James, and Linda. VALENTINE Ive always hated you. Since year six P.E., I knew youd be the bane of my existence.

94. JAMES You lost, Valentine. Its time to move on. Maybe you should try some new things in your life? LINDA Like getting laid! The flawless note to end on - James and Linda stroll away, leaving Valentine alone. Valentine boots the podium out of anger. Hurts his foot. EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS Roger and Derek hook either side of Daniels arms. They slowly but surely heave him away. Rita walks by Steve. STEVE If youre so mad at Daniel, why did you go on a date with me? RITA I CAN DO BETTER TOO! He holds his hands up in innocence. STEVE Woah, okay... As Rita stomps away, Steve shyly addresses Caitlin. STEVE So... Are we... Sort of.. CAITLIN Back together? STEVE Thats the one. CAITLIN Oh, I dont know... After everything thats happened... STEVE I promise if you take me back, Ill give you everything you want. Caitlin sighs. Face to the ground, she frowns. This was the problem in the first place. STEVE (CONTD) In a collaborative sort of thing.

95. She chuckles. CAITLIN Thats what I love about you. Youre so imperfect, and you never say the right thing. (then) If you did, itd be quite boring. Yes, then? STEVE

Caitlin kisses Steve. In a world of their own, the moment is sweeping, glorious, magnificent. Absolutely perfect. A dreamy, everlasting gaze as they withdraw. Yes. CRASH! Stop! DEREK (O.S.) CAITLIN

Daniel has slipped away from Derek and Roger. Enraged, he stomps towards the happy couple. Stops halfway as he spots an object on the ground. Daniel grabs the loaded bow and arrow! Aims it. Steve has no time to react. Caitlin gasps. Daniel twangs the string. The arrow soars in the air. Its target: STEVES CROTCH. The arrow flies... Flies... Flies... A sadistic look from Daniel. The arrow swoops-BLACK OUT.

96. THUMP! STEVE AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!! SMASH CUT TO: EXT. STATE OFFICE OF RELATIONSHIPS - CONTINUOUS The arrow has PERFORATED STEVES LEFT FOREARM, literally inches away from his crotch. He blocked it just in time, in a certain sense anyway. As Steve and Caitlin eye the wound in horror... Derek and Roger tackle Daniel. They ground him once and for all - lay in a few extra punches for good measure. INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) FOUR WEEKS LATER ANGLE - TELEVISION The news channel. A COMMENTATOR runs around the CTU-esque set as though hes on crack. He makes goofy expressions. COMMENTATOR Wwwooaaahh! As Valentine rebuilds his reputation, the economy grows stronger as our troops capture another South American countrys gold supply. Which country, I hear you ask? Find out after the break. Or as Valentine would say: (high pitched) Find out after the break! Transition to a soothing video of puppies, flowers, and sunshine. The wispy graphic on top states: THE WAR REPORT. It then goes to the familiar dry News Anchor at his desk. NEWS ANCHOR Also after the break, find out how severe the punishment is now for imitating Valentine. Heres a clue it involves rats. See you then. Cut back to Commentator, who shits himself. BACK TO SCENE. Ben sits on the settee. Since Sapphire left, the living room has - impossibly - become messier.

97. Arm in a sling, Steve appears from his bedroom. Ready? STEVE

INT. ART GALLERY - DAY Valentines pictures are in a bargain bin - 2 FOR 5CR (OR BEST OFFER). A couple of the faces have peeled away... Turns out the Mona Lisa was somebody else after all. Steve stands with Caitlin in front of a red curtain on the wall. Their audience: the usual GALLERY AUDIENCE, Ben, James, Linda, and a few Hippies. STEVE Thanks for coming. This is Caitlin and mines first of - I hope many paintings. This is called Untitled. Caitlin, if you can do the honour. Caitlin pulls the tassel. The curtains draw back to reveal the picture of them holding hands, turned to the pink sky, beside the house made of twigs. It is now coloured and dirtied with mud. The canvas is covered in shrink-wrap. Everyone in the gallery CLAPS. They then part away into their own conversational groups. Steve walks through the crowd, past James and Linda... LINDA Lovely picture. Nice one! Thanks. ...and up to Ben. STEVE What do you think? BEN Its great. Though why did you put it in shrink-wrap? STEVE Its supposed to represent stuff like the, you know, the symbol of-(then) We did it cause it looked cool. JAMES STEVE

98. BEN Thought so. Ben sighs. BEN That picture reminds me of Sapphire so much. I cant believe I was involved with someone like that. So hollow. So fake. And-(jaw drops to floor) Hello there... In a trance, Ben approaches a FEMME FATALE nearby at the buffet table. She oozes sexuality as she smokes a cigarette. Hi! BEN

FEMME FATALE Buy me an expensive drink and Ill acknowledge you. Okay! BEN

Back with Steve, Caitlin joins him. STEVE Everyone likes the picture then? CAITLIN Course they did. I was the one to perfect the painting for... (re: Steves arm) Obvious reasons. Moment of silence. CAITLIN Do you think well have a happy ending like in the movies? STEVE I thought you didnt like the cinema... CAITLIN I dont. But the sentiment - that moment in time where the stars align, where everything is perfect... This is it. Do you think itll last forever? STEVE This isnt Hollywood. Theres this moment, sure, but theres also the moment we get married. (MORE)

99. STEVE (CONT'D) The children. The kids leaving home. Retirement. Dying. The slices of mundane in between unworthy of a Polaroid picture. Thats the time Ill relish the most. CAITLIN (romantically) Yeah... STEVE And as this moment is about to pass, maybe we should swing to the next one? CAITLIN You mean... Get married? STEVE Well, what do you think? CAITLIN Are you kidding? Do you know how expensive weddings are? Steve and Caitlin chuckle. EXT. CITY - DAY A drab environment. Skyline dominated by unsightly concrete buildings hidden behind a thick layer of smog. The city is illuminated by the remnants of pink light. THE END.