Supernanny Secrets

How to be a Better Parent, using the Ideas of the Supernanny

(Discounted Edition) Maria Lloyd, MFT 2005

Teacher? Diplomat? Accountant? Chef? Law Enforcement Officer? If you are a parent you are all of the above and more. Its no wonder that things can get tough at times! Children are not born with manuals and they are not robots. Raising your child is likely to be both the single hardest thing you have ever done - but also the most rewarding. As a parent you are almost certainly the main role model for your children. They have no preconceived ideas as to what is right or wrong. They learn from watching us as parents. This is an extremely daunting thought; what we say and do will have an impact on our children that is long-lasting. Just remember that love and attention go a long way. Never underestimate the power of a big hug! That said, parents are human too; we have faults and we are not always in control. Fact. Just as you lose control, it appears that every other parent in the world is blissfully happy with everything in its place. This is not the case. Difficulties encountered vary greatly from parent to parent, child to child and age to age. More common problems include: sleeping, eating, tantrums and potty training, but this is by no means the end of it! From time-outs to sibling rivalry, this invaluable guide uses modern techniques to help steer you through the stormy waters of being a parent. Because parents are busy people, we have added a 2-minute tip sheet at the end of each chapter to give you the help you need, at a glance. Enjoy!

SUPERNANNY Supernanny Background Supernanny, Jo Frost, shot to fame recently in the television series Supernanny and Nanny 911. Her follow-up book, also entitled Supernanny with its highly effective theories on parenting has captured the imagination of parents, in the UK and further afield. Jo Frost is a 34-year-old single woman, originally from London, UK. She has no children and no formal childcare qualifications so what makes her so successful? Jo puts her success down to, her own wonderful childhood in London and 15 years of bossing other peoples kids. Despite her lack of formal childcare training, Jo has an unfaltering record for resolving families problems, both in the UK and US. It is her refreshing and down-to-earth approach that has made her a household name. It is estimated, for example, that around 8 percent of American households regularly tune in to see the nanny in action! Techniques Jo believes in consistency, firmness and consequences. She states, Parents tolerate a lot instead of implementing a routine, boundaries and warnings. Supernanny has a simple yet effective approach, based on action and consequence. With routines and resolve, Jo believes that she can achieve almost anything! Here are some of her top tips and rules: No spanking from parents No hitting, punching, sneaky nudging or slapping from children Use good manners No yelling, from anyone Everyone should listen to each other Everyone should speak respectfully and politely Children do chores Rewards must be earned

Parents must set boundaries and stick to them Parents must show a united front Rules must be enforced, consistently Parents should share parental duties Everyone is responsible for their own stuff Sugary snacks must be rationed (and locked away!). The Show Before Supernanny swoops, she observes the family carefully, for a day or two, to ascertain the issues and true dynamics of the group. As soon as Jo enters the home, she presents the family with a schedule and a naughty mat. Parents are shown how to set boundaries and how to enforce them. Jo herself says that the children often rebel within the first few days of her entering the family home; however, by the end of the two-week period significant changes are evident. Supernanny keeps in contact with the families that she has helped and states, to this day, the families are still happy with the turnaround. Supernanny believes that, with her help, the families stand to make long-term gains provided that they take responsibility for continuing with her routines and approach. Any final words of wisdom from the Supernanny? You place a warning, have a consequence and see the change. Children are children, parents are parents.

QUICK GUIDE TO THE SUPERNANNY 15 years experience with children No formal qualifications, learnt from hands-on experience Believes in positive re-enforcement Children should be given warnings Consequences should be followed Stick to routines Offer love and affection to each member of the family.

OTHER PARENTING EXPERTS Expert advice can sometimes seem confusing, with so many theorists all offering their unique methods and styles of parenting. What we have to bear in mind, when were tearing our hair out in desperation over our impossible offspring, is that the experts, with certain notable exceptions, have had the luxury of developing their proven techniques from an objective standpoint, not through the clouded vision of a panicking parent desperate for immediate solutions! The secret of how to benefit from the wealth of experience that the experts have to offer is to pick and mix, as it were. No single theorist will have all the answers; its up to you to develop the ideas that you, as a parent, feel instinctively will work best for your child. In recent years, so many theorists have come to our rescue with a deluge of practical tips and parenting solutions; most experts have a proven track record of parenting styles that really work. The following famous names are just a few examples of experts who have made a huge contribution, over the years, to harmonious family life. There are many more experts out there, each with a great deal to offer. Gina Ford Fondly referred to as the queen of routine, Gina Ford is best known for her practical advice on establishing routines and identifying and responding to the changing patterns and demands of the growing child. Her definitive titles on parenting include Contented Little Baby Book, Potty Training in One Week and The Complete Sleep Guide for Contented Babies and Toddlers. Dr. Penelope Leach The child-centered, positive discipline approach, feeding on-demand type of advice offered by the British psychologist, Dr. Penelope Leach, hit the headlines back in the 1970s, with her books Babyhood, followed by Your Baby and Child, which was translated into several languages. Her theories have been

adopted by parents, across the globe, and updated to reflect the rapid changes in society and the new demands and challenges facing todays parents. More recently, her book Children First: What Our Society Must Do And Is Not Doing For Our Children takes a broader look at the challenges facing the modernday parent. Her advice has remained, over the years, both practical and thought provoking; and her stance on the stay-at-home mother modified considerably to address the realities of parenting, today. Dr. Benjamin Spock It has been argued that the firm but fair techniques advocated by Supernanny and parenting guru, Jo Frost, as well as by Dr. Tanya Byron of the popular BBC series, Little Angels, actually hark back to the child rearing theories of Dr Spock. When his book Baby and Childcare was first published in 1946, Dr Spock was hailed as the pioneer of modern parenting, of what was considered in those days to be permissive parenting. Spocks theories, however, have stood the test of time, and are today witnessing a revival in the context of allowing children to develop their own strengths through parents supporting, understanding and trusting their children. T. Berry Brazelton Texan born pediatrician Dr. Brazelton, is another enduringly popular expert on parenting. He is recognized, worldwide for his practical, no-nonsense style tips and advice for parents struggling to raise their children in times of stress, isolation, in a rapidly changing world. Dr Brazelton is particularly helpful for the working parent. The main focus of his approach to parenting is that if parents understand why their children are behaving in a certain way, they will be better equipped to cope with behavioral problems, as they arise. Dr Brazelton has written numerous books on the subject of parenting including, Touchpoints Your Childs Emotional and Behavioral Development, Infants and Mothers and The Irreducible Needs of Children: What Every Child Must Have to Grow, Learn, and Flourish.

Dr. Bill and Martha Sears Having raised eight children, Dr Bill Sears, a pediatrician for more than thirty years, and his wife Martha, a registered nurse and childbirth educator, have devoted their lives to helping parents make sense of how to bring up their children to be happy self-sufficient individuals. Dr Sears is probably best known for the parenting technique called Attachment Parenting a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents. Lillian, Deb, Stella and Yvonne Together they are known as Nanny 911. This team of experienced nannies all have a slightly different approach to childcare. They are living proof that not one single approach is going to be effective, in all circumstances. Lillian is the most experienced and takes a grandmotherly approach, Debs relies on sense of humour to win children round, Stella and Yvonne are the disciplinarians of the team and deal with unruly children using structure and firmness. Despite their different approaches, all nannies set rules for their families and use techniques such as time out and positive reinforcement. Their approach is largely similar to that of Supernanny, Jo Frost.

QUICK GUIDE TO OTHER PARENTING EXPERTS When it comes to parenting there is always more than one opinion No one expert has all the answers What works for one parent may be a disaster for the next Gina Ford believes that routines are fundamental Dr Penelope Leach believes in positive discipline Dr Benjamin Spock believes in firm but fair T. Berry Brazelton believes that it is important to understand why children behave the way they do Dr. Bill and Martha Sears, a husband and wife team, who focus on raising self-reliant children Lillian, Deb, Stella and Yvonne (team Nanny 911) each has their own approaches ranging from firm to supportive; together they cover all the potential areas of parenting.

MAIN BODY AGE APPROPRIATE Milestones Recognizing your childs milestones can really help when trying to decide how to deal with behavioral issues. Capacity for understanding can vary dramatically, among children, within the space of a short period of time, sometimes only a matter of weeks. Dealing with a defiant 2-year old requires a very different approach to dealing with a defiant 8-year old! No two children, however, are the same and parents should be cautious of following age guidelines, too closely. It is not uncommon for a child to have advanced physical skills, but to be less advanced in other areas such as talking or reasoning. Take time to understand your children and deal with them as individuals, as you feel appropriate. Techniques aimed at a 2-year old may work very well with a 4-year old, so dont be a slave to the letter of parenting law! Under 2 years old A baby or young toddler knows little about self-restraint and control. Anyone who has witnessed a 9-month old trying to feed himself will be only too aware of the frustration involved! A child under the age of 2 has not established the basics of cause and effect. He does not realize that he may hurt himself if he jumps from the top of the stairs. Dealing with a child of this age requires you to focus on prevention, distraction and comforting. 2 years old Weve all heard the phrase, terrible twos now, this is not a fallacy. A 2-year old is capable of overwhelming emotions. He has the desire to be independent but

lacks the capacity to keep himself (or others) out of danger. It is the powerful urge to explore his surroundings in his own way that leads to the infamous temper tantrum. Dealing with a child of this age requires above all patience. Help him to understand his feelings by encouraging him to vocalize these thoughts. Make sure that he understands what you expect of him; give clear requests and incentives, if necessary. Avoid a battle of wills, where possible, by offering him choices. This enables him to save face, feel independent and yet also allows you to direct his actions. 3 years old Independence is key for your 3-year old! He is master of his own world. With the tantrum stage largely behind him, he is now much keener to please, but dont count on consistency! Tantrums may well be replaced by sulking quieter but not necessarily easier. Consequences are now much more readily understood; he understands that bad behavior can result in punishment. A child of 3 appreciates routine and reacts well to being included in family life. Explain simple chores and reward his efforts. A 3-year old is also capable of benefiting from time-out. However, this should be confined to short periods of approximately 3 minutes. Distraction is still the best course of action! 4 years old A 4-year old can concentrate for longer periods and with greater intensity. While it may feel like a relief that the tantrums are subsiding, your 4-year old will have a much clearer idea of what he wants. This can result in greater whining and sulking as well as other attention seeking behaviors. Lying and exaggerating are common in a child of 4; dont dwell on this behavior it will pass.

Control is fundamental to your 4-year old. Allow him time to adjust to changes, tell him in advance what is happening. Feeling that he is part of the decision process is fundamental to preventing him from losing a sense of control. 5 years old His understanding of consequences is now well established. He is able to carry out simple chores and follow basic rules. He is better able to control his frustrations, although not getting his own way may still lead to temper outbursts. A child of 5 is able to look outside himself. Encourage this by asking your child how he thinks his actions affect others. Consider implementing a behavior management system such as charts with stars. Make rewards small but frequent, as a child of 5 is generally unable to appreciate the benefits of saving rewards! Over 6 years old As his social and academic world is expanding so too is his maturity. He is able to reason and exercise a higher degree of self-control. Encourage this with appropriate rewards. Offer choices, where possible. This will help encourage his feelings of independence. Give your child verbal reminders for desirable behavior such as good manners and politeness. General Routines When deciding on what sort of routine to set for your child, several issues need to be taken into consideration. Age, is of course of vital importance, however other issues you may wish to consider include: Age of any siblings Whether your child is in day-care part- or full-time Requirements of other family members Your childs personality.

As a general rule, it is the parents ability to demonstrate consistency that wins with children. So, once youve decided on a routine, stick to it! Creating a routine, is one of the first things that Supernanny, Jo Frost insists upon, as soon as she begins to work with a new family. Try these tips to help you achieve a routine that works for you: A child under 3 will often nap at least once, during the day. Ensure that this time is kept as regular as possible and that the sequence of events running up to the nap are consistent. If possible allow an extra half an hour, every morning, to get yourself up and the house organized. A few moments preparing breakfast and getting clothes ready can mean the difference between a good and bad start to the day. When your child is of school age, give him simple chores to do in the morning to help. For example, encourage him to put his own socks and shoes on, in good time. If your child is dawdling in the morning, play a game where you put a song on and challenge your headstrong youngster to finish dressing by the time the song has finished. Prepare whatever you can, the night before. As a child grows older, he requires less sleep (although this rarely drops below 9 hours). Alter your childs bedtime to ensure that he gets up at an appropriate time for your routine.

QUICK GUIDE TO BEING AGE APPROPRIATE Every child is different and these rules are only a guideline A child under 2 does not understand cause and effect A 2 year-old needs choices to help prevent temper tantrums A 3 year-old benefits from distraction; time outs will start to be effective at this age A 4-year old can concentrate better and has a vivid imagination; watch out for the lies A 5 year-old is capable of taking others feelings into consideration A 6 year-old can exercise some self-control; verbal reminders are key Alter your routines as your childs age changes.

DAY-TO-DAY ROUTINES Children like to feel comforted and safe. Establishing a routine that allows your child to feel that he understands what is happening, and what is about to happen, will result in fewer tantrums and less sulks. What works for one child may not work for another; experiment and practice until you find the right combination for you and your child. Here are some suggestions to get you started: Stay-at-home mom Just because you are a stay-at-home mom and able to dedicate yourself to your child, full time, does not mean that he should become a time tyrant! It is important that he realizes, from an early age, that you have other things that need to be done. A suitable routine may look something like this: 07:00 - 07:30 07:30 08:00 08:00 08:30 08:30 09:30 09:30 12:00 12:00 1:00pm 1:00 2:30pm 2:30 3:30pm 3:30 5:00pm 5:00 6:00pm 6:00 6:30pm 6:30 7:00pm 7:00pm Get up and dressed, prepare breakfast Get your child up and give him his breakfast Wash and dress him and discuss the day ahead Enjoy sharing the morning chores with your child Visit the shops or park Lunch for both of you, prepare and tidy up together Quiet time or nap (depending on age) Snack time and play Play together (make sure that this is quieter play so that he is calming down ready for bedtime Prepare and eat dinner Bath Book and cuddle Bedtime.

Working mom Its a real challenge, getting yourself and your child ready to leave the house by a set time, each morning. If there was one word that could summarize the working moms approach to routine it would be, PREPARATION. Do everything that you can do, in advance. Heres an idea for a sample routine: Night before: 06:00 06:30 06:30 07:00 07:00 07:30 07:30 5:30pm 5:30 6:00pm 6:00 6:30pm 6:30 7:00pm 7:00pm Prepare clothes and lunch (if needed) for both of you. Pack any bags needed, in advance Get yourself up and dressed, prepare breakfast Enjoy breakfast together Make sure that your child is washed and dressed Leave for work / day care Return from work / day care Dinner Bath Book and cuddle Bedtime.

Work-from-home mom Trying to entertain a toddler and earn a living, under the same roof can be enough to test anyones patience! Adopt realistic expectations. It is not possible for a child of 3 to understand, fully, that you need to work at specified times. If your job requires you to make telephone calls at a certain point, everyday, it may be worth considering timing these with your childs quiet time. It may even be possible to arrange for a friend or relative to take your child out for an hour, during the day, to give you a chance to conduct business conversations without disruption. A suitable routine may look a little like this: 07:00 - 07:30 Get up and dressed, prepare breakfast

07:30 08:00 08:00 08:30 08:30 09:00 09:00 10:30 10:30 11:00 11:00 12:30 12:30 1:00pm 1:00 2:30pm 2:30 3:00pm 3:00 4:30pm 4:30 5:00pm 5:00 6:00pm 6:00 6:30pm 6:30 7:00pm 7:00pm

Get your child up and give him his breakfast Wash and dress him and discuss the day ahead Enjoy sharing a few simple morning chores with your child Settle him with his favorite toys within your line of view, with easy access, while you work Take a break, snack and play together Settle him with toys, again where you can keep an eye on him, while you work Lunch for both of you, prepare and tidy up together Quiet time or nap (depending on age) Play together, outdoors, if the weather is fine Settle him with his toys, within sight, while you work Play together (make sure that this is a quieter type of play, so that he calms down ready for bed) Prepare and eat dinner together Bath Book and cuddle Bedtime.

Where to find further advice These routines are only suggestions. Every child is different. Some children are happy to busy themselves alone for hours; others will barely leave your side for a minute. If you are struggling to establish a healthy routine, contact your health care professional for further advice. Dont be afraid to ask for help from other parents, family and friends. When you feel like youre surrounded by chaos, it is often easy to overlook the simplest of solutions. Changes to schedules Once youve mastered a day-to-day schedule the challenges of maintaining a calm environment, when away from home, is the next step. In reality, this may

involve taking the family on trips and holidays. Timings may not always fall in line with your established routine. Here are some tips to help you deal with this type of disruption: Dont underestimate your child. Children often react well to change and will be happy to follow a new routine If you are staying with family or friends, involve them in your routine and tell them in advance the best time to do certain things Generally, young children are at their best in the morning, so plan any activities such as sightseeing for early in the day Children do suffer from jet lag, but not to the same extent as adults. Allow a couple of days for adjustment Keep some items such as toys and blankets consistent Try having your childs favorite food available, this will help him realize that not everything has changed Dont try to achieve too much. A young child will struggle to understand why they have been in a car for several hours. Always stop regularly and allow your child some time and space Allow yourself at least one free day, once you return from your journey. There is nothing worse than arriving back late, being conscious of work the next morning and a child that wont sleep! Family Routine Its all well and good having a life that revolves around your child, but most families have other tasks that they need to accomplish; it may be a career, housework or simple relaxation. Dont underestimate your needs as adults. A happy parent is a real plus to any child! All too often, we as parents, only ask for childcare help from family and friends when we have something important that we have to attend to. Come to an arrangement with a family member or another parent where you look after each others children for a couple of hours a week, so that you can relax and please

yourself. Resist the temptation to cram chores into these two hours, settle down with a book, or go for a walk. Respect the parent that works. It is very tempting to bombard the parent that has been at work all day with the children, as soon as the breadwinner returns. Give the returning parent 5 minutes to himself or herself so that they can settle back into home life. Share the chores equally so that they get done twice as quickly. This should help ensure that you both have time to yourselves, at the end of the day. 2 or more children Organizing two or more children can present a real problem, particularly when you are outnumbered! While techniques vary substantially depending on your circumstances, here are a few key ideas to set you on the right track: Encourage the older sibling to help with your youngest. This not only helps with the chores but also builds your older childs self-esteem Give your children chores to do Encourage your children to play with each other, choose games that are suitable for the age group that you are trying to entertain Resist the temptation to deal with the most demanding child most of the time; this gives out the wrong message! Explain to your children (particularly the older ones) that they have siblings and that you cannot dedicate your time 100% to them Make sure that each child has some dedicated one-on-one time with a parent, daily. Try to keep the timing consistent so that your children each know that they will have their time.

QUICK GUIDE TO DAY-TO-DAY ROUTINES Routine is important, no matter what other pressures you may be under Children are adaptable and can cope with changes, if introduced gradually Always make sure that you make time to spend with your child, on a one-toone basis Try to keep the fundamentals, such as naps and food, constant A working mom needs to do as much the night before as possible A work-from-home mom needs to have a large selection of toys that their child can play with, on his own A stay-at-home mom needs to get out of the house as much as possible Slow activities down, as bedtime approaches When you have more than one child, deal with the least demanding first to ensure equality Give older children chores State expectations clearly.

SLEEP Sleep may well be the area that causes most worry for parents. Not getting a good nights sleep can lead to irritability, inability to concentrate or reason and general grumpiness (and thats just the children!). Many parenting experts attribute a wide range of behavioral problems in children to lack of sleep. It is also very difficult, as parents, to reason objectively and to deal with situations, calmly, when youre feeling exhausted. Problems with sleep can occur at any time, during childhood. It is often assumed that problems with sleep are primarily the domain of babies; this is simply not the case. A baby that sleeps peacefully through the night, during the early months, might develop problems, later in life. On the plus side, it is never too late to change your childs sleep routines, thus ensuring that all concerned get a good nights sleep! Sharing the family bed Many families opt to have their little ones sleeping in the same bed as themselves. Although there is no conclusive evidence as to the safety of this method, many mothers find it a lot easier to have their baby on tap when they are breastfeeding. Children get used to this closeness and many parents actually prefer to have their offspring close to them. In fact, Dr Sears believes that cosleeping is best for the whole family. There are some simple rules to follow when co-sleeping: Make sure that both parents agree that you should co-sleep Consider getting a bigger bed so that everyone can have their space NEVER share a bed with a child when you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol Keep bedding to a minimum; children can get very hot, very quickly If you have more than one child sharing with you, do not let them sleep next to each other.

It is likely, however, that there will come a time when you no longer want to sleep-share with your child. The transition can prove traumatic for all involved, so plan carefully and be prepared! When? A child of less than 12 months will generally adapt easily to change and, with perseverance, the transition should be problem-free. The most difficult age however, for moving your child from the family bed is between the ages of 12 and 18 months. At this stage, you are unable to explain fully exactly what is happening; however, a child of this age is sufficiently aware of his changed circumstances to suffer from separation anxiety. Once your child reaches 18 months, it becomes much easier to explain to him what is happening and to get him involved in the decision-making process. From a personal point of view, consider making the change when you have a gap in your schedule. It is likely that you will have disturbed sleep as you settle him into his own room, and there is nothing worse than pacing the floor at 2 am knowing that you have an important meeting in 6 hours time! How? Explain to your child that he is now a big boy and able to have his own room and bed. Get him involved and take him shopping for his new bedding, encourage him to be excited about the new move. Here are some more tips and tricks: Depending on how anxious your child appears, consider placing him in a crib next to your bed, for a while, to break the process down a little and make it seem less traumatic Place an item of your worn clothing in the bed with your child, this will give him a sense of comfort Allow him to use his room for naps during the day, at first. This will familiarize him with his room and make the change easier to achieve

If your child is really defiant about sleeping in his new room, it may be necessary to sleep in the room with him, for the first few nights Be consistent and be firm, once you know he is safe, leave him for 5 minutes, even if he is crying. Return after 5 minutes, re-assure him and then leave him again. Perseverance will eventually pay off! Getting a child to bed The nightly battle of getting your children to bed can be wearing for even the most patient of parents. Fights at bedtime can start to take over your whole day and become the time that you dread most. What is even more frustrating is that a child can develop a desire to stay awake for most of the night, at any point! When your toddler begins to exercise control, refusing to go to sleep is a prime way in which he can truly apply his power. Here are some suggestions for reducing stress at bedtime: Gradually slow his activities down towards bedtime; begin this process at least 2 hours, in advance Remove distractions that increase his activity levels such as television or video games Allow him time to tell you about his day; if he goes to bed with worries, he is more likely to be unable to fall asleep Give your child plenty of warning before bed time, tell him that he has 5 minutes and then it is time for his bath Keep the nightly ritual the same, every night, e.g. bath, story, bed. Choice is a key issue when your child is trying to exercise control Consider offering him options such as which book he would like to read, before he goes to bed. This lets him feel that he has control but allows you to achieve your goals Do not let your child use delaying tactics; anticipate all usual requests, e.g. by filling a glass of water in advance Give him extra hugs to last all night Tell him that you will be back in 5 minutes Leave him and stay firm

DO NOT return until 5 minutes has elapsed. Getting a child to sleep through the night and to wake later Now that your child is tucked up in bed, all youve got to do is keep him there! Children start sleeping through the night, at different ages. This may depend on a variety of factors such as birth weight and the amount of food that he eats, during the day. There often comes a time, however, when your child will begin to wake, during the night. While there is often no obvious reason for this, waking may be attributed to the following circumstances: A growth spurt Teething difficulties The arrival of a new sibling Starting school or day care. Most children wake several times, during the night, but are generally able to get themselves back to sleep again. For those who fail to do so, here are some key tips: When your child cries at night, go in see what is needed, deal with it and leave Avoid any eye contact and do not speak to him, it is important that he feels no real benefit from waking up and screaming Make sure that he is well fed and clean before going to bed, this way you will know that he is not waking because he is hungry Ensure that he is comfortable in his nightwear, so that he does not wake up feeling itchy! If your child is old enough to articulate his feelings, ask him why he wakes up in the middle of the night and what you can do to help him sleep through Reward him when he sleeps well at night, give him a smiley face and let him know how pleased you are with him

Have a box of morning toys available for him to play with in his own room; make sure that there is at least one special toy that he is happy to see Even before he can tell the time you can tell him where the little and big hands on the clock should be before he is allowed to wake up his parents Make sure that you are pleased to see him when he does come bounding into your room, at the required time; it is important that he feels it is rewarding to wait! Common Sleep Problems Night terrors and nightmares As his imagination begins to work overtime, it is likely that he will have nightmares or night terrors. It can be a scary time for parents as the scream is often sudden and piercing. When you hear a scream, go to his door and listen for another 2 to 3 minutes. As a night terror is generally a short and intense event, he often does not wake up fully; allowing him the chance to re-settle himself is often the best option. Nightmares, on the other hand, normally result in him waking up fully. These are often linked to times when he is undergoing new experiences, such as starting school or day care. Take time, at the end of every day, to talk to him. Ask him what has happened and what he is thinking about. This may alleviate some of the stress that he is feeling and may help his mind to stop racing. If he is worried about monsters, take the time to show him that there are no monsters under the bed or in the closet. Another good tactic is to allow him to bring his monster into you and leave it with you be careful, however, that he does not use this as an opportunity to wander into your room in the middle of the night, once is more than enough! Bed-wetting It is perfectly normal for young children to wet the bed at night, occasionally. If it becomes a persistent problem, consider whether he is suffering from any stress

or physical problems such as a urinary track infection. When your child wets the bed, deal with it quickly and quietly. Do not make a big fuss and do not punish him. While you should not punish him for bed wetting, there is no harm in marking a smiley face chart with his successes. This is sometimes more for you as parents than for your child, as it is motivating to see the dry nights increase as the weeks go by. Keeping a record of dry nights may also be useful for identifying any pattern for wet nights, thus enabling you to avoid triggers. No matter what always make sure that you speak to a pediatrician to eliminate the possibility that bed-wetting may be a symptom of a more serious condition such as diabetes.

QUICK GUIDE TO SLEEP Sharing a family bed is great with a younger baby who needs regular comfort and breast feeding Between the ages of 12 months and 18 months is the worst time to try and move your child from the family bed Give your child a chance to talk about his day, before he is expected to settle for bed Work in 5 minute intervals, leaving him for 5 minutes and then returning, gradually increase the intervals Issues such as starting child care or moving house may affect your childs pattern Have a box of morning toys available to give you more time in the morning Do not punish a child for bedwetting Do, however, give a smiley face for not bedwetting Avoid drinks, within 30 minutes of bed time.

MEALS Weve all seen it on TV, a large, contented family sitting around the table eating happily and making polite, jolly conversation. The reality is often somewhat different! From food fights to picky eaters, feeding time can test the patience of any parent. Children are very good at instinctively knowing what they require. Generally, if a child eats only small portions this is because he simply does not need any more, it is unlikely that he has decided to diet at the age of 2! However, caution should be exercised when considering your older childs eating habits. Recent research from an eating disorder support group has estimated that 40 percent of girls, aged 9, have dieted at some point during their life. It is crucially important if you feel that your young child is dieting unnecessarily that you get professional advice and support (not that although dieting is generally associated with girls, boys are not excluded). Also make sure that you yourself are not pre-occupied with weight. If you step onto the scales, regularly, make sure that you do so out of the sight of your young child. Other problems such as weaning your child onto adult food and food fights are generally a larger concern for most parents, at this stage. Heres some help Weaning The process of weaning your child begins around the age of 4 months. This, however, does not mean that weaning is accomplished within the space of 2 weeks. Weaning on to adult food occurs over a period of years. The gradual process from milk to adult food can be frustrating for all involved. Here are some ideas to help you on your way: Take one small step at a time; this is not a race Encourage your child to experiment, give him variety and options

Have a selection of easy foods available as well as more challenging foods. Interchange these foods so that he is challenged but not frustrated Dont assume that your child has the same tastes as you. If you hate pasta, dont assume that your child will feel the same Give your child a chance to look at his food and to consider it, visually, allow plenty of time, at mealtimes, and dont rush him as this may scare him into regressing Try and eat a small amount of your childs food in front of him, he will be more likely to trust the food and want to try it. Fussy Eaters and Food Phobias Fussy eaters, in general, can be treated in the same way as those infants experiencing weaning difficulties. However, there are some specific tips and tricks to help you get your child to eat his feared foods: Offer your child a choice of foods, make sure that there is always something that he likes as well as other items available to him Do not make a big fuss about what he eats or doesnt eat Remember children will eat when they are hungry, so dont fret if he doesnt eat as much as you think he should Once the meal is over, clear away the plates even if he hasnt finished; do not goad him or make a fuss If you are concerned about what your child is eating keep a diary covering a period of at least a week. You will almost certainly be pleasantly surprised by how well he actually eats! Hunger is a common reason for your child to wake in the middle of the night so make sure that he has plenty of opportunity to eat filling foods such as potatoes, with his evening meal Remember that he may simply be asserting his independence therefore forcing him may increase his resistance Let him see you eating the food you are offering him, if he is genuinely scared of the food this may alleviate his fears

Take small steps at a time. Offer him the new food along with other familiar foods, several days in a row. It may take several days of looking at the new food item, before he takes the plunge! Using utensils and food fights Playing with food can be irksome for those around your child. From throwing food to banging spoons, children often seem to want to play with their food more than they want to eat it. Here are some tips for fuss-free mealtimes: Do not turn feeding time into a battle, sit down with your meal and discuss the day NOT the food at the table If he begins to play with his food, ask him whether he has finished eating, if he continues to play, take his meal away Resist the temptation to ask him what he would like to eat if he doesnt seem to like the evening meal, he will soon get used to the idea that he, like the rest of the family, gets the evening meal prepared for him, not a specialist on-demand menu A child is likely to begin playing with his food if he is bored or simply not hungry. Avoid allowing him to eat during the 30 minutes before meal time. If dinner is dragging on beyond 20 minutes allow him to leave the table. Family meals While it may be ideal for the entire family to sit down and eat together, sometimes this is just not practical, particularly with younger children. Recognize this and do not feel that you have failed if you decide to have two sittings involving a childs dinner, followed by an adult dinner. Always try to sit with your child when he eats, even if you are not eating yourself Have a box of after-dinner toys available in the dining room, this will help to enforce the idea that while he does not have to participate in the family meal, he cannot interrupt

Keep snacks to a minimum so that he looks forward to his main meal Remember that adult conversation is boring to most young children, include them in your conversation and resist the temptation to discuss the meal in front of them.

QUICK GUIDE TO MEAL TIME Take your time when it comes to weaning Interchange easy foods with more challenging foods Offer a fussy eater plenty of choices, always make sure that there is something that he likes, on the table When everyone has finished eating, remove all plates Do not talk about food at the table, discuss other issues When introducing new foods, put the food on his plate, every day, for several days; it may take a while for him to try the food Ask a child that is playing with his food whether he has finished; if he continues to play then take his food off him no fuss Make sure that you sit with your child when he eats, even if you are not eating Keep some after dinner toys available so that you can enjoy your meal Include your child in the conversation.

POTTY TRAINING When To Start And How To Prepare There is no such time as the right time to start potty training. A child may be ready at age 18 months, or he may not be ready until after his 2nd birthday. Most children, however, are ready to begin training at sometime between 18 and 24 months. Timing is key to successful potty training. Make sure that you have plenty of time available for the main training period. If necessary, take time off work to ensure that you can dedicate yourself to the task, free from outside distractions. Potty training for the daytime is often achieved several months before a child can begin night training. In any event, many children continue to bed-wet for many years, although as time goes by, the occurrence of bed-wetting should become much less frequent. How to tell if your child is ready for potty training: He tries to help when you are dressing or undressing him He is able to follow basic instructions He is aware of when he is doing a poo (this is often evidenced by concentration or pointing to his diaper) He is able to occupy himself with toys for at least 5 minutes His diaper is often dry when you go to change him. This indicates that he is establishing some bladder control Avoid training when there is a new baby in the house, or you have just moved house. Equipment that you need for potty training:

At least 2 potties, preferably of the same color to prevent the I want the blue one argument. Put one upstairs and one downstairs (You may not have much warning at first!) A cushion with a polythene bag over it. Put a pretty cover over the cushion (one that is easily washed). Tell him that it is his special cushion. He can use this when he is traveling, or in public places Prepare a collection of toys or tapes so that he doesnt become bored while using the potty Plenty of spare clothing you are going to need it! Prepare your child for potty training by introducing him to the idea of doing a pee or a poo. Show him the contents of his diaper so that he is familiar with what a poo looks like. If he has never seen one before it is perfectly possible that he will be scared by his poo, in the potty! A child of this age enjoys copying. Make the most of this and take your child with you to the toilet at every opportunity. Explain to him what you are doing. As you get closer to beginning potty training, place the potty in the toilet with you so that he can sit on it, at the same time as you use the toilet. Introduce him to the idea of wet and dry. Show him how hands become wet and then dry, encourage him to join in when you are washing your own hands. Process of potty training Children often become clean before they are dry. This is generally because they find it easier to control their bowels than their bladders. If your child does a poo at a regular time, every day, then place him on his potty, at this time, each day, for a period of 5 to 10 minutes. Do not make him sit there until he poos, but make sure that you offer lots of praise, if he is successful. He may hold back for several days, do not get frustrated; stay calm and determined.

During this period, you could also put him on his potty for 5- to 10-minute intervals, throughout the day, without his diaper. If he does a pee, congratulate him, but do not make a fuss if he does not. On the first day of training, dress him in his big boy underwear; it may be easier to leave any trousers, socks and shoes off for the first few days. Tell him that he is a big boy and encourage him to be excited by this development. Take him to the toilet with you and ask him to sit on his potty so that you can both do a pee together. Remind him regularly to use his potty. Try getting him to sit on his potty every 15 to 30 minutes, for a short period. Keep plenty of entertainment, at hand, such as books and tapes to encourage him to stay on the potty. Continue this process for several days. Keep a record of when he successfully uses the potty; from this record, it will be possible to establish when he generally needs to pee or poo. This will help to reduce accidents. Introduce the big loo as soon as possible so that he is not frightened of the change. By the end of the first week, most children will be in a position where they have only the occasional accident, during the day. Here are some handy hints for surviving the first week of potty training: For the first day, take the phone off the hook this requires 100 percent dedication Keep games low-key so that he does not become over-excited and forget about his potty altogether Once you begin training, do not put your child back in diapers, during the day, this will confuse him. Night training Most parents find that successful night training occurs much later than day training. In fact, it is not generally recommended that training commence, before

the age of 3. Forcing night training can cause other sleep-related problems and is usually best avoided. Once your child is regularly waking dry and clean, you can explain to him that he no longer needs his diaper. Encourage him to use the toilet before bed and reduce the amount of fluid that he drinks, within an hour of bedtime. Dealing with Potty Training Problems Twins Resist the temptation to train twins together, unless they are both ready at the same time. If they happen to be ready, at the same time, then enlist an extra pair of hands, for the first few days. Refusing to poo in a toilet or potty Many children are happy to pee in a potty, but are much more reluctant when it comes to pooing. Try to establish a regular time for your child to poo; providing more fruit to eat at breakfast can often assist with regularity. Once you have established a regular time, try lining the potty with a diaper to encourage him to use the potty. If this approach works for several days, try pretending to run out of diapers. With a special toy or favorite video to hand, he may be prepared to forgive the lack of diaper. If he doesnt, dont force the issue, it will correct itself in time. Accidents while away from home Changes to routine can often lead to more accidents than usual. It may be the excitement of the event that has led to him simply forgetting to go the toilet. While he should be encouraged to decide for himself when he needs the toilet, there is no harm in using the occasional reminder, in a new or exciting environment.

QUICK GUIDE TO POTTY TRAINING There is no right or wrong time to start potty training, although generally this happens between the ages of 18 months and 2 years Let your child become aware of the toilet. Show your child his own poo in his nappy and take him to the toilet with you Introduce the concept of wet and dry Signs that he is ready for potty training include, trying to undress himself, having a dry nappy and being able to follow instructions In the first few days, take your child to his potty every 15 to 30 minutes and get him to sit on it, for a short period Whenever he uses the potty congratulate him; DO NOT punish him when he does not, or if he has an accident Night training normally happens 6 months after day training Train each twin when they are ready, they do not have to be trained together Keep a cushion with a protective layer for use when you are away from home or in the car.

LANGUAGE AND SPEECH It feels like only yesterday that you were squealing with excitement at your childs first words and now you are desperately trying to change his speech! Getting a child to listen and stop screaming He has discovered that he can make a variety of noises and he is not afraid to show you his new talent. A child rarely shouts just because he wants to annoy you. Truth is, he is yelling because he is over-excited and enjoying life. Try encouraging him to use his indoor voice. Make sure that you do not yell to counteract his noise; he will simply learn that the person who speaks loudest is the one that is heard. By lowering your own voice, he will have to be quiet to hear what you have to say. Equally frustrating can be a child that ignores you! Try the following tips to help get your child to listen to what you have to say: Give your child warning before asking him to do something. It is little wonder that he ignores your request to get his shoes on when he has just reached the good bit of his new book! Make sure he understands what you are saying. Asking him generally to tidy up is confusing. Tell him clearly and definitely what you want him to do, e.g. please put those books back on the shelf. Try giving him an incentive to do as he is told. Tell him what will happen once he has done what you have asked him to do. If all of this does not work, make sure that you ask your pediatrician for a hearing test; it is possible that he is not hearing you clearly. Interrupting A young child is often unable to comprehend that the world does not exist solely for his benefit and does not, therefore, think that there is anything wrong with

interrupting. Children under the age of four do not have a very well developed long-term memory. As such they feel that they have to blurt out whatever comes into their mind immediately, for fear of forgetting. Rest assured that this will improve naturally with age, but there are a few things that you can do to help in the meantime: Make sure that you set a good example. If your child sees the adults around him waiting their turn to speak, then he will be more inclined to copy. On the occasions that you do accidentally interrupt either your child or another adult, apologize for doing so. Create a game where your child can give you a signal that he has something to say. This can be something like touching his nose or holding his own hand. When you are introducing this, it helps to recognize verbally that he has something to say and tell him that you will be back to hear his point soon. Another good game is to play pass the parcel with an item, such as a wooden spoon. Whoever is holding the item can speak and the others must be silent. If your child regularly interrupts when you are on the phone then try having a box of phone toys that are only played with when you are on the phone. By giving him something special to do when you are on the phone, he will begin to see you talking on the phone as a positive instead of a negative thing. Stopping a child from swearing and answering back Children have a wonderful habit of blurting out inappropriate words at inappropriate times. Making a big fuss when he swears will only encourage him to do it again, just to spark the same reaction. So what does work? Here are some ideas: If he uses a made up word like poo-poo head tell him that you dont understand, as it is not a real word.

Tempting as it is to laugh when your child swears, DO NOT. He must not believe that this is a fun way of getting approval. Make sure that you do not use bad language around your child he will only copy. Give him alternative clean words that he can use to express his feelings. With an older child it is often possible to explain that such language will hurt other peoples feelings. Tell him that the language he is using is unacceptable and that if he continues to use it there will be a punishment. Once you have said this, stick to your guns and apply punishment, if necessary. When your child is not swearing but is simply answering back defiantly, it can be hard to know what to do. Consider the following tactics: Tell him that it is unacceptable, draw boundaries and stick to them. Sometimes it is best simply to turn a blind eye and to move onto something else. If you were playing with him at the time, tell him that you will not play with him while he uses unnecessary language. Give him a second chance to play properly, five minutes later. Wherever possible give him choices. Answering back is often a childs way of asserting his independence. The more choices he is allowed to make, the less likely he is to resort to defiance. Consider why he is answering back and respect his views. Tell him that you can see he is hurt / frustrated or upset and try and work out, with him, what can be done to improve the situation. If he declares that his buggy is stupid, it might be because he wants to walk like a big boy. Give him the chance to help solve his own problems, himself, rather than aggressively shouting about it. Dealing with lies Children, particularly those of pre-school age have active imaginations. They often struggle to differentiate between reality and fantasy and dont actually mean

to tell lies. He may lie because he forgets the truth or it may be a case of wishful thinking. Dont come down too hard on him. While you dont want to encourage lying, listen to his stories and encourage him to tell the truth. Phrase your questions in a way that is not accusatory. If he denies spilling his juice, dont tell him off for lying; just ask if he can help you tidy it up. Make sure that if he does tell the truth about a misdemeanor, he is not punished. Thank him for telling the truth and make him feel that by telling the truth he will receive a more positive reaction. As your child grows older, explain to him the importance of telling the truth. Use stories such as the boy who cried wolf to illustrate your point. It is unlikely that he will fully understand the difference between truth and fantasy, until he is at least five years old. Be patient and encourage him to tell the truth, but dont get over anxious about his lies, it is a normal phase of your childs development. Developing your childs linguistic abilities Linguistically, children develop at different paces. This is perfectly natural. However, some key signs that your child is struggling to express himself include using hitting or kicking instead of words to express himself. If you feel that your child may not be developing adequately, or you simply want to help him get ahead try the following: Read out loud; follow the words with your finger so that he associates the words with what you are saying. Expand his collection of books to include characters and plots. Try discussing them after you have finished the book so that he can express his feelings towards the books. Your child will learn primarily from listening to you, so make sure that you use as wide a vocabulary as possible.

Every time you go out, bring something back and have a show and tell session. Label common items around the house such as chair, table, mug, so that he gets used to associating the written word with an item. When your child wants to talk, make sure that you give him time. Put down your newspaper and listen. Encourage him to speak to other adults and children. Resist the temptation to correct his grammar overtly, try rephrasing discretely. Bilingual children It may seem that mastering one language is challenging enough, let alone two. However, there are proven advantages to teaching a child a second language from an early age. Research has shown that children who speak more than one language are more able to learn a further language and more able to solve logic problems, at an earlier age. If you want to teach your child a second language, follow these golden rules: It does help if you, as a parent, also speak the second language, so get learning! Start as young as you can. Read in the second language and converse in the language, whenever possible, alongside your main language. Find support groups for children who speak the same languages. By interacting with other children with similar linguistic abilities he will begin to flourish. Get hold of tapes, DVDs and books in the second language, so that your child can be immersed in the language, as much as possible. Do not force your child to speak either language, specifically. Answer him in whichever language he uses with you. Dont give up, persevere and it will work!

QUICK GUIDE TO LANGUAGE AND SPEECH Always make sure that your child has reasonable warning when you are about to ask him to do something Be clear and definite in your instructions Praise good behavior Create a game where your child can give a signal when he wants to say something, rather than interrupting Set a good example, do not interrupt or shout yourself Do not laugh when your child swears Tell your child when the language is unacceptable and state a consequence should he continues to use such language Give your child time to air his views, as this may help ease any frustrations Try to ignore lies; this is part of his developing imagination and nothing to worry you, unduly Label items around the house to help your child increase his vocabulary.

PLAYTIME Never underestimate the power of play! A child of any age can benefit from play. By spending time playing with your child, you will encourage him to increase his ability to solve problems. Watching a child play is a great way of getting to know how his mind is working. Take time to stand back and watch him interact with toys, as well as with other children. Ask a friend or relative to watch you playing with your child. They may see some obvious ways that you can improve. Ideally, you should be guided entirely by your child, he should choose what to play and for how long. Allocate specific times to dedicate to play. In a busy schedule, play can often be overlooked or be something that your child is asked to do on his own. Make sure that you spend at least 10 15 minutes a day playing, on his terms, with him. If your child plays on the floor, get down on the floor with him, this will help you to see things as he does. Talk to him about what you are doing, this is a great way of making him feel involved and of increasing his vocabulary. Play at different ages There are no specific rules as to which games should be played, at which age. Generally, if your child seems to be enjoying himself, then that is the game for him. However, here are some general guidelines: By the age of 18 months, children will generally enjoy using crayons, as well as doing simple puzzles, playing with pretend toys and singing. As he grows older, he will still enjoy puzzles and songs. However, these will need to become more sophisticated, as he becomes more advanced. A pre-school child will also have a vivid imagination and may enjoy make believe and dressing up.

After this age, the best way to find out what they like to do is to ask them. By showing an interest, they are much more likely to invite you to join them. Always make sure you ask permission before joining their game! Ideas of games for all ages Here are some general guidelines for games to try with your child: Under 2 years old Rolling a ball back and forward between you. Playing with a mirror. Finger puppets. Creating a ramp to roll a ball down. 2 4 years old Bowling with a soft ball and empty water bottles. Bathing their dolly. Filling a box and then emptying it again. Drawing and painting. Matching games. Over 4 years old Building blocks. Picture book. Finger painting. Sink or float, use a bowl of water and see if various items sink or float. How to drag your child away from the TV In todays modern society, it is difficult to prevent a child from watching TV, altogether. Making time in front of the television as productive as possible is

therefore fundamental. Contrary to popular belief, your childs eyes will not go square if they watch too much TV; they will, however, miss out on other opportunities such as outdoor play and conversation. Make sure that you explain to your child that cartoon characters are not real people, and that they can do things that people cannot. Avoid violent or bad language. Dont rely on luck to help you find a suitable program. Have a collection of suitable videos available so that you know exactly what your child is watching. Decide on the program that they are going to watch. Tell them that they can watch it and make sure that you turn the TV off once it has finished. Watch TV with your child so that you can talk about the program afterwards. Do not leave the TV on as background noise.

QUICK GUIDE TO PLAYTIME Never underestimate the importance of play Under 2-year olds normally enjoy playing with mirrors 2- to 4-year olds normally enjoy playing with balls, as well as drawing and painting Children over 4 years old will enjoy more complex games such as building blocks or finger painting Make sure that your child knows that cartoon characters are not real Do not have the television as background noise Treat the television as a treat.

DISCIPLINE GENERAL ISSUES Most parents, at some time or another, come across issues relating to discipline. It can be a difficult time, deciding when and how to punish your child. Add to this confusion, the multitude of opinions from seemingly everyone you know. Trust your own judgment. You, after all, know your child best. That does not mean that you should feel alone. There are plenty of places that you can get help and support to tackle any problems that you may have. Before you look in any detail at your specific problems, consider some of the more general issues surrounding discipline. Differences between the sexes Children, no matter which gender, generally have similar capabilities. This said, society, in general, does not treat children of different genders in the same way; and, as such, their behavior is likely to be moderated so that they behave, in time, like a typical girl or boy. This behavior is not something that they have at birth, but rather something they learn. Encourage your child without the use of stereotyping. Allow your son to play with dolls and your daughter to play with toy soldiers, if that is what they choose. Children will become aware that there are gender differences from about the age of two. However, it will take until at least the age of three before they realize what it actually means to be a girl or a boy. By the age of three or four, children understand that they are either a boy or a girl but they do not realize that they will remain this gender. It is possible that your son might believe that wearing pink will turn him into a girl. This may lead to resistance to playing certain games or playing with certain people.

From the age of five, children are more likely to be interested in what it means to be a girl or a boy and may insist on wearing certain items of clothing or role-playing. While most of the behavior is learnt, there are some physical differences between the genders that can affect behavior: Girls are usually born able to see and hear equally well in both eyes and ears, whereas boys tend to hear better from one ear and see better with the left eye. Boys are generally considered better at tasks involving spatial awareness. Girls on the other hand generally perform better at language and verbal tasks. A few other interesting facts that you may wish to consider are: Girls are more likely to have body image issues. These can begin at a very young age. Many girls are already unhappy with their weight by the age of six. Boys are twice as likely to be injured during play; their injuries are also, generally, more serious. Boys also tend to be affected more with behavioral problems. Four times more boys than girls are diagnosed as being emotionally disturbed, and six times more boys than girls are diagnosed each year with the hyperactivity disorder ADHD. At what age does a child understand right v wrong? Experts have mixed opinions on when a child fully understands consequences. A child can understand very basic consequences, from a very early age. Some argue that this occurs from birth. However, it is safer to assume that a child does not have any true sense of cause and effect, until close to his second birthday. The easiest way to show your child the difference between right and wrong is by

doing so yourself. Children are great copiers and if you behave in a way in which you wish your child to behave, then this will encourage desirable behavior. Encourage good behavior with lavish amounts of praise. Do your best to ignore bad behavior. The method that you choose to achieve this aim depends on your childs age, personality and understanding. With a child under the age of two, prevention and distraction are the best ways to go. He is unlikely to understand fully the concept of wrong. As your child grows older, it is easier to explain to him that certain behavior is not desirable. Try explaining how you feel, so that he can learn that his actions affect others feelings as well as his own. This is not a skill that he will learn overnight. Indeed some adults still havent fully mastered it! Incentives v. Punishment As a general rule support and incentives produce better results than punishment or over-indulgence. Resist the temptation to excuse his bad behavior with the notion that he is only young or is tired. Decide what behavior you will not tolerate and stick to it. Do not alter the boundaries, as he will soon learn that you dont really stick to your word. Offer your child incentives to behave as you would like him to. Be careful that this does not turn into bribery. For example, tell your child that after he has washed his hands he will be able to go to the park or have his favorite candy. He will learn that he must do some things that he does not like in order to obtain the things that he does like. This is a powerful lesson to teach your child. Despite this, do not be afraid to use punishment, where necessary. Decide what behavior you simply will not tolerate; be selective and concentrate on the things that MUST not happen and not simply on the things that irritate you. If he continues to misbehave, ask him to stop, once, then tell him what the consequence is going to be if he continues. If he does continue with his behavior, carry out the threat that you previously made. This final part is fundamental. He

must learn that you will see your threats through, so make sure that you can and do issue the punishment that you have threatened. Keeping your temper Easier said than done! With a screaming child it is extremely tempting to simply scream back. Remember, however, that your child sees you as his role model. How you react to stressful circumstances will have a direct bearing on his reactions. Consider, firstly, why you lose your temper. Is it through stress? In todays society we are pushed to do more, but days are not getting longer. We feel guilty because we dont have enough time - and we seem to be surrounded by perfect parents. It may be that you have unrealistic expectations of your child. A toddler WILL NOT play happily on his own for hours on end and then trot happily off to bed. He is a child. Do not try to perfect your child. He must be allowed to behave like a child; his behavior will change dramatically over the years. If he swears once at age three this does not mean that he is about to go completely off the rails! Everywhere we look we hear about unconditional love for our children. This is true, but it doesnt mean that you will always like your child. It is perfectly possible that you simply have a personality clash this does not mean that you are a bad parent! Recognize your differences and learn to deal with them. Keep in mind that you are the parent and therefore any compromise will have to come primarily from you. Handling Anger Once you have lost your temper, do not beat yourself up with guilt. Remind yourself that you are human and as such you make mistakes. Tell your child that you are sorry for getting as angry as you did and that it doesnt mean that you dont love them. If your child decides to reject your apology, ask his permission for a hug / handshake, this will allow him to feel respected.

Children forget about events like this very quickly and will be happily playing again within minutes, so dont let it get you down. We all make mistakes! Dealing with other adults grandparents and the other parent Youve been working hard all day on your childs discipline and you really think you are getting somewhere. Then, out of nowhere, come the doting grandparents or, worse still, the other parent, to spoil your child and you feel that you are back to square one. Try explaining to the other adults what you are doing. Tell them how you discipline your child and what challenges you are facing. Lack of understanding may be causing the differences. If you have the opportunity, try to speak to the other adult before they speak to your child. It is easy to forget how much your child changes, even in a day. Give others a chance by telling them what the latest trick is and how you are handling it. If you cannot get other adults to follow your lead, try explaining to your child that he may be allowed to do certain things with Grandma, but those things remain unacceptable to you. Stay firm and focused; he will soon learn. When it is your partner that is not following your routine, a serious conversation is necessary. Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it. Ask for their advice; defiance may be due to feeling left out of the decision making process.

QUICK GUIDE TO GENERAL DISCIPLINE ISSUES You are not alone, every parent has an issue with discipline, at some time or another Children become aware of gender at age 2 There are some physiological differences, however children of different genders are likely to behave differently Children do not understand the difference between right and wrong, until at least their second birthday, Incentives are generally a better alternative to punishment Decide what is really important and use punishment only on these matters, and if truly necessary Do not worry too much if you lose your temper; it will not effect your child in the long-term Explain to other adults the discipline rules that you are using.

COMMON PROBLEMS Whenever you speak to a parent about the troublesome behavior that they are struggling to control, almost without exception, crying, whining, biting or hitting get a mention. Time and time again, you will hear that it is just a phase. This is true, however, this does not mean that you should simply put up with this behavior. Biting Biting is in no way unusual. By the time your child goes to school, it is likely that he has bitten someone at least once, and has been bitten back! Biting is normally the result of your child losing control. Overwhelming feelings of anger or fear that he simply cannot express verbally will often lead to him sinking his teeth in. Not all biting is the result of loss of control; it may be a misguided show of affection or out of pure excitement. When your child bites, follow these guidelines: Make sure that everyone is safe; do this by separating the children. Give any first aid that is necessary, but also reassure the aggressor, as he will also be upset by the events. Talk about what has happened and encourage him to express his feelings in other ways. Prevention is better than cure, so take time to think about when and why your child bites, so that you can avert future occurrences. Talk to him about his feelings and also about biting. By encouraging him to be open with his feelings it will help him to deal with his anger, in other ways. A great idea is to have an apple available for him to bite when he feels frustrated a healthy and harmless alternative!

Hitting Hitting often occurs in the same way as biting. However, it is normally directed at a disciplining adult. It is vital that you do not hit him back. Hitting him back will only reinforce his idea that hitting is an acceptable way to express his feelings. Tell him that you know he is angry and that he should not hit as it hurts. In short, recognize his feelings, reprimand him and give him a reason for not doing it again. Make sure that he realizes that it is okay to feel angry. What is not okay is the way he is expressing it. Teach him to express himself verbally as an alternative. Perhaps roaring like a lion will work you can even join him if you are feeling tense. Chances are hell be so amused at the idea of you both roaring that his anger will also subside! Crying / whining Whining is infuriating; period. However, your child may not recognize that he is whining. Whenever your child begins to whine, tell him that he is whining and how annoying it is. Ask him to use his normal voice. Another good idea is to tape record your child when he is whining and then, when you are in a good mood, play it back to him and discuss it with him. When he asks for something, make sure you acknowledge what he has asked for and tell him when you will do it for him. One of the best ways to deal with whining is to try and avoid these situations altogether; offer a distraction such as a toy or a game. If you cannot avoid it, then remain calm, ask him to stop and finally ignore him, if necessary. Crying can be equally frustrating. We all expect babies to cry, but what happens when the crying carries on for years? Crying is an expression of emotion. Emotions are not bad things and it is important that your child feels that his emotions count. Instead of telling him not to cry, suggest that he tells you why he is upset. Alternatively, give him paper and crayons so that he can draw what is

upsetting him. Another idea is to explain to him that it is not a good idea to cry about small things and that if he can simply talk about issues, he will get a better response. If all fails, ignore him when he cries about smaller things, but tell him that you are happy to discuss it with him. When he does stop crying (and he will) make sure that you give him 100% attention when he tries to tell you what was bothering him. He must realize that talking generates a much better result.

QUICK GUIDE TO COMMON PROBLEMS Biting is very common, but this does not mean that it is okay to ignore A child normally bites because he is so frustrated he cannot express himself in any other way Encourage your child to talk about what makes him bite and give him words that will help him to express himself verbally, in the future Recognize his feelings Try to ignore whining, or at least ask that he speaks in his normal voice When a child stops crying make sure you give him 100% attention, when he tells you what is bothering him

REBELLION AND TANTRUMS Very few parents get through the early years without having to deal with toddler tantrums and rebellions from their children. This is little comfort, though, for the parent who is suffering yet another screaming fit. The phrase terrible twos is a misnomer; children can have tantrums at any age! Knowing that every parent has been there does not help when you feel that all those around you are looking down their noses at your rebellious child. Preventing the tantrum in the first place is clearly the most desirable way of dealing with tantrums. Try distracting your child with a favorite toy or game. Sometimes, however, a child is going to tantrum, no matter what you do. Take heart, it is likely that your child is not trying to manipulate you (particularly at a young age) but is, in actual fact, overwhelmed with emotions that he does not know how to handle. As he gets older, he understands more about what is going on around him, but he is not yet able to express himself fully with the use of words. This is frustrating to him and often results in a sudden loss of control the temper tantrum. Dealing with toddler tantrums A child in the middle of a full-blown tantrum will often, kick, scream, throw things and hold his breath. He will not listen to reason, so dont try and talk him round. DO NOT shout at him, as this will only increase his fury. Try the following tactics: Stay close so that he does not feel he is being abandoned. If he is not too violent in his tantrum, hold him in your arms. No matter how much he screams, do not give him what he wants just to calm him. This is particularly tempting in a public place! Some children will try to hurt people around them, such as younger siblings or pets. If he does this, take him calmly to an area where he cannot hurt himself, or others, such as his bedroom. When you move him, tell him why he has been moved. Stay calm and sit it out it will end!

The calm after the storm While you breathe a sigh of relief, consider what has just happened. It may help to make a note of the location, time and trigger. This will help you to determine what causes your child to tantrum and may enable you to avert future tantrums. Discuss the tantrum with your child. Try to help him with words that will enable him to express himself. Try asking him why he was so angry. By allowing him to explain, you will get a greater understanding of the cause of the tantrum and he may learn to use words rather than screams. When your toddler is too young to discuss the matter, you have little option but to simply move on. Do not hold a grudge. Tantrums begin and end suddenly. Your toddler will have largely forgotten about his outburst, within minutes, so dont dwell on it or punish him, he will not understand. If tantrums become persistent and without any clear pattern, make sure that you speak to your pediatrician, to eliminate any possible physical causes. When a child refuses to do something Does it feel as if your childs favorite word is No? You are not alone! A young child has little control over his life and will use defiance as a means of asserting his authority. When acting defiantly, children are normally passive, in that they simply dont do something that they are asked to do, rather than actively doing something that you have told them not to do. This does not make it any less frustrating! Give your child choices wherever possible. Ask him which top he would like to wear and respect his choice. By allowing him to feel in control of his own life he is much less likely to be defiant. If, after you have given him a choice, he simply responds with, No, remind him that if he does not choose you will choose for him.

Make sure that you praise your child, regularly, for good and helpful behavior. Try following a five to one rule. This means that you should praise your child five times as many times as your reprimand him. When you see him doing something useful, make a fuss of him. Distract him from the battleground, if at all possible. Pick your arguments carefully, if you are not going to be permanently at loggerheads! Before starting a debate with your child, ask yourself whether it is really important. By restricting the times that you insist on your child doing something, your child is much more likely to take you seriously, when you do insist.

QUICK GUIDE TO COMMON PROBLEMS Biting is very common, but this does not mean that it is okay to ignore A child normally bites because he is so frustrated he cannot express himself in any other way Encourage your child to talk about what makes him bite and give him words that will help him to express himself verbally, in the future Recognize his feelings Try to ignore whining, or at least ask that he speaks in his normal voice When a child stops crying make sure you give him 100% attention, when he tells you what is bothering him

PUNISHMENT AND INCENTIVES Knowing when to use incentives and when to use punishments is a key issue for many parents. With many conflicting opinions on when and how to punish, it is little surprise that we get confused! Incentives & positive reinforcement Incentives are a part of every day life. We go to work so that we can afford to buy nice things. Doing something that you dont enjoy in order to be able to do something that you find fun is normal. For this reason we should view giving children incentives to behave as a positive thing and not simply a case of bribery! As a parent you are largely responsible for building your childs self esteem. It is therefore important that you practice good positive reinforcement skills: Do not confuse incentives with bribery. Avoid offering incentives for things that you expect your child to do on a daily basis. A sweet in exchange for not swearing is bribery not an incentive! Speak directly to your child when you are asking him to do something; speak slowly and maintain eye contact. Give your child chores, from a very early age. For example, asking your child to take his dirty clothes to the wash basket every night will encourage his independence and engender a desire to be helpful. If you have to repeat your instructions, do so as if it were the first time. Children have a short attention span; he may simply have forgotten what you asked him to do. Make sure that your child associates his reward with the task that he has just completed. For example, tell him that you will go to the park after he has washed his hands. After he has finished washing his hands reinforce this by saying, great youve washed your hands, now we can go to the park.

Time-outs In reality, however, positive reinforcement does not always work and more drastic measures are needed. Time-outs are an extremely useful tool. It is NOT punishment, but rather a way of helping your child to control his emotions. At what age can you start using time-outs? Using time-outs when your child is under the age of two is unlikely to work. Toddlers do not like to stay still and trying to confine him will almost certainly result in a game of chase. Time-outs are only really useful when your child is old enough to understand the difference between right and wrong. A good way of telling whether your child is old enough to benefit for time-outs is if he reminds you when you break the rules! When to use time-outs? Remember that time-outs are used to help your child handle his frustration. If you spot your child beginning to lose control, consider using a time-out. With older children you should warn them that if they do not stop what they are doing, immediately, they will be placed in time-out. Time-outs should also be used when a child is adversely affecting others; this is particularly important if an older child is hurting a younger sibling. Where to use time-outs? It is important that the area you choose for time-outs is safe and within your line of vision. Equally important is that toys or videos do not surround older children, when they are in time-out. While the main purpose of taking time-out is not punishment, equally, it should not be a reward. If you are in public you can still use time out by taking your child to one side, away from the action, and allowing him time to calm down.

How to enforce a time-out effectively? Warn him that he will be put in time-out if he continues to behave in the way that he is behaving. If he persists, take him to his time-out location, tell him why he is being put in time-out, but do not enter into discussion or negotiation. Set a clock so that you time the period, accurately. Do not allow him to play with any toys or talk to you while in time-out. If he violates these rules, re-set the clock and tell him why you are doing so. When time-out has finished, talk to your child about why he was in timeout, but do not issue blame or maintain a grudge. What if they persist? If your child simply refuses to stay in the time-out location, here are a few things that you can do: Be prepared to stay with your child in time-out. Sit next to him and if necessary hold him on your lap. DO NOT talk to him or maintain eye contact. If your child is having a large tantrum, time-out will only annoy him further. Let him burn himself out, wherever he is; trying to pin him down in his time-out spot may simply make matters worse. Until he is old enough to understand time-outs, use distraction instead. If it is safe to do so, you can remove yourself by going into a separate room away from your child, rather than insisting on him staying in the same room. The purpose of time-out is to allow him to have some time alone to regroup, so if he wont stay still, get out of his space. As a general rule, time-outs should last a minute for each year of your childs life. For example a three year old should be in time-out for approximately three minutes.

Naughty mat The naughty mat is used in almost exactly the same way as a time-out. It simply marks the spot that you wish him to use, during his time-out. As a general rule, the naughty mat is seen as more of a punishment than time-out; this is largely because of its association with the word naughty. A very young child will not understand the concept of naughty and will not, therefore, benefit from using the naughty mat. Only use the naughty mat when your child has been genuinely naughty and not simply when he has lost emotional control and needs to calm down. Physical punishment (spanking) This is one of the most controversial aspects of parenting. As a general rule, physical punishment is best avoided. It is very difficult to persuade a child that hitting is wrong, by hitting him. Choosing whether to physically reprimand a child is entirely an individuals choice. To help you make your decision, consider the following issues: Are you hitting your child for his benefit, or because you have lost control? If YOU could time-out for three minutes, would you still return and hit your child? Are there any alternative methods that you could use?

QUICK GUIDE TO PUNISHMENT AND INCENTIVES Do not confuse incentives with bribery; if you do X we can then go and do Y is an incentive Speak clearly and directly when asking your child to do something; make sure he understands Time outs are not punishment but a time to regain calm Time outs should only be used on a child of at least 3 years old Give him a warning that the will be placed in time out if he persists, if he does persist, put him in time out, without any further discussion Dont maintain eye contact and dont discuss the situation with your child, during his time out If he refuses to stay in time out, remove yourself from him so that he is on his own when he is having his tantrum Time outs should last a minute for each year of your childs life The naughty mat is used in the same way as a time out, but is generally reserved for when your child is naughty, as opposed to a time to calm down.

BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC It often seems that your child acts up in public just to embarrass you. While this is sometimes the case, there are often other reasons: As children tend to behave badly when they have lost control, it is little surprise that with the added excitement of being in a public place, all the activity causes an outburst. Parents are generally more inclined to give in to demands in public because they are embarrassed and feel that they are being watched. As a result, children are often under the impression that they will get their own way, if only they make enough of a scene. When you are in public you are often giving your attention to something other than your child. This can be unnerving for a child that is used to having you to himself. By misbehaving he will regain your attention. With all this in mind, how do you deal with a tantruming child, when it feels that you are in the public spotlight? Dealing with tantrums in public Just as in the home, the best way to deal with a tantrum is to avoid it, in the first place. When you are out in public there are a lot more opportunities for distraction; try engaging the child in other activities to avert the tantrum. Sometimes, however, a tantrum cannot be avoided. Hard as it is, the best way to deal with a public tantrum is to ignore it. Make sure that your child cannot harm himself or others around him and simply sit it out. No matter how long or bad his tantrum becomes, DO NOT give in. While capitulating may solve the immediate problem, things will only get worse, long term. So stand firm, ignore onlookers and keep him safe.

Using time out when out in public If your child is losing control in public, you can still use a time-out. Take him to one side, away from the main action and tell him that he needs a time-out. Hold him and do not speak to him. Suitable locations for time-outs include inside the car where he can be strapped safely into his seat, by the side of the shopping cart in a supermarket, or in a toilet cubicle. Practical tips for awkward situations In the car: Make sure that he has distractions available to him. Try singing or playing games. Stop regularly, so that your child can stretch his legs. Involve him in the journey, tell him where you are going and when you will get there. If this fails, turn off any music and do not speak to him, as if he were in time-out. At a restaurant: Select your restaurant carefully. By going to a family-friendly, noisy restaurant, you are less likely to feel pressured into keeping your child silent. Pick a time of day that your child is not tired because over stimulation and a tired child make a bad combination! Make sure that you set ground rules at home. It is unfair to expect a child suddenly to develop excellent dining skills just because he is in public. Children have a short attention span; so dont hang around! It may be worth allowing your child to have food or drink which you do not allow at home, such as ice cream or sweets. This will help them to enjoy the dining experience, as much as you.

In the Wal-Mart: This is a busy and lively environment. When your child has a tantrum you are NOT as noticeable as you may feel. In any event, most people will feel nothing but sympathy with you. Get your child to help you with the shopping. Ask him to hold the shopping list or to look out for certain items. Give him an incentive to behave by telling him that once you have finished shopping he can go and play in the park. Have a special shopping toy. By allowing him a toy that he can only play with in the store, he will be more inclined to let you browse at your leisure. If going shopping always results in a battle, consider doing several smaller shopping trips. He may be getting bored and frustrated so, by shortening the time that you spend in the store, you are also reducing the chances of boredom taking over.

QUICK GUIDE TO BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC Bad behavior in public is common Tantrums generally happen when a child has lost control, so over stimulation in a shopping mall may well trigger an outburst Do not give in to his demands Make sure that he is safe and that those around him are also safe Use time out by taking him to a quite place, or getting him to hold onto the buggy Involve him in the journey, if you are planning on spending a long time in the car Choose your restaurants wisely Have a special car / restaurant toy.

OLDER CHILDREN As children get older, the problems that parents face become increasingly varied. Once your child starts attending school, he will be less under your control. Other role models will enter your childs life, such as teachers and other children. DISCIPLINE Older children have an increased ability to reason and express themselves. This is not to say that the tantrums and displays of defiance have gone for good! When the naughty spot no longer works Up until now the naughty spot has worked well. Then suddenly your child thinks the whole thing is funny. You can continue to use the naughty spot and timeouts, effectively, with some children until they are quite a bit older. They, however, are the exception and not the norm. Here are some useful alternatives for the older child: Dont underestimate his ability to understand what you are asking him to do. Ask him to do something and give him reasons as to why he should do as you are asking. Offer an incentive by telling him what you will be doing AFTER he has done what you are asking him to do. If he continues to defy you, ask him to practice the task several times. Tell him that you are making sure that he knows what to do. He will soon realize that tasks cannot be avoided. Praise him whenever he does something you ask of him. When he appears to be resisting certain tasks, ask him to explain why he does not want to help you. There may be a fear or anxiety of which you are not aware.

Privileges and incentives The basic theory of when to use privileges and incentives remains the same, no matter what the age of your child. Be careful to ensure that your incentives do not turn into bribery. Make sure that you do not say, if you brush your teeth. The word if implies that he has a choice. A child of five is astute enough to pick this up, so be careful with how you phrase your incentives! As your childs attention span increases, rewards can be accumulated, over a longer period of time. Try creating a chart where you can add smiley faces whenever your child is well behaved. When he has accumulated ten faces he has a reward such as his favorite chocolate. Praise, praise and more praise! Peer pressure When your child starts school his social circle will increase dramatically. This is an important and exciting part of his development. However, he will also start wanting to do something or have something, simply to be the same as the others within his social group. Copying other children and wanting to be like other children is perfectly natural for your child. He is simply trying to endear himself to others. Being accepted by his friends will increase his self-esteem. It is easy, for example, to see why it is so important to him to have the right kit. If your child has made friends with someone that you consider to be a bad influence, do not ban him from playing with them. Try, instead, to encourage him to play with his other friends. Calmly explain to your child that he cannot have what he is asking for, because you have a finite budget and that other things must be bought first.

When your child is old enough, you can give him a budget when you go to the toy store. Tell him how many dollars he has and let him choose his own priorities. This not only gives him a sense of control over his choices but also helps teach him the math.

QUICK GUIDE TO OLDER CHILDREN DISCIPLINE Time out and naughty spot will work until your child is a lot older Give him reasons when you ask him to do something Make him feel involved with the decisions Avoid the word if as it implies choice Ask him why he is reluctant to do as you ask, by talking through you may discover what he is resisting.

SCHOOL / HOMEWORK ISSUES Every parent wants their child to do well at school. It can be heartbreaking if your child does not enjoy going to school or has difficulties doing his schoolwork. Dealing with school anxiety Going to school is a scary time for most young children. Even those who are used to being in day-care are likely to feel anxiety when they move to big school. Common fears include: How will I get there and get home? What if I cant find my way around the school? What if nobody likes me? What if I dont understand what is going on? All this is perfectly normal. Here are some tips to help you deal with the big move: Give your child plenty of time to talk to you about his fears; dont belittle his thoughts. Encourage him to come up with a plan of action for himself. His independence is likely to mean that he might be reluctant to accept your suggestions. Getting a child to do homework Young children will normally be given small homework assignments, to do in their own time. Whether they successfully complete this work will not generally, at this age, make much difference to their high school grades. Try to relax and make learning fun. Pushing the issue will almost certainly only result in defiance.

Ask your child why he is reluctant to do his work and make sure you listen to the answer! If he is finding the work too difficult or too easy, speak to his teachers and ask their advice. Whenever your child produces a good bit of work, put it on display, proudly. He will enjoy pleasing you and will be encouraged to do the same again. Resist the temptation to take over and do his work for him. If you have enough space, create a dedicated place for your child to do his homework. Ask him to choose how he wants to decorate the area, so that he has a sense of pride in his study.

QUICK GUIDE TO OLDER CHILDREN SCHOOL / HOMEWORK ISSUES Give your child plenty of time to discuss his concerns about going to school Help him to come up with a plan of action for dealing with his concerns Display good school work, proudly Create a dedicated study space so that he can concentrate on his work.

CHORES Doing chores around the house is a great way to get your child involved in what you are doing. They will enjoy helping and you will acquire a little helper! Children of a very young age are capable of very basic tasks. Praise them for even the smallest assistance they offer you, as they will want to do more to earn your approval. What to expect from various ages: Children under the age of two are physically limited in what they can do. However, they can be encouraged to take dirty clothes to the wash basket, or to put their toys in a neat pile. A child of between two and four years old gets frustrated easily and tasks should therefore be kept simple. Try giving him a cloth to help you dust the surfaces or ask him to help you with basic cooking tasks. Once your child is over the age of four, he can understand more complex tasks such as tidying up toys or putting clean clothes away. If you have a pet you could give him the responsibility of filling up the feed bowl. How to encourage your child to help around the house Children become easily distracted and will lose interest in protracted tasks. Try some of the following tips to keep your child focused and eager to please: Demonstrate to your child what you are asking him to do. This will help him to understand the task and hopefully prevent frustration from lack of understanding. When he does a task, no matter how small, heap on the praise. No matter how tempting it is to jump in and help, try to resist and allow him the time and space to do what he can, on his own. Reward his effort even if the job is far from perfect!

If he does not do what you ask him to do, try rephrasing your request because being repetitive will make your child feel like you are nagging him. It may also be that he doesnt understand and rephrasing your request may give him the clarification he needs. Dealing with messy bedrooms For a child, their bedroom is their space. They can express themselves and can get away from the stresses of life. Try not to turn the issue of how tidy your childs bedroom is into a battleground. Ask yourself whether it really is a problem that he likes a bit of mess? If you can live with it then let it be. Sometimes however, things go too far and it is necessary to get your child to tidy his room: Explain why it is important that he tidies his room, for example, to find old toys or so that you can clean. Give him time to tidy his room; do not demand that it is done, immediately. If you have a smiley face chart, tell him that tidying his room would earn him another smiley face for his chart. Help him generate a sense of responsibility over his room. Consider telling him that he can choose another poster for his wall, after he has tidied. After all, there is no point in having a lovely poster in a messy room.

QUICK GUIDE TO OLDER CHILDREN CHORES Children of any age can do at least basic chores Give plenty of praise when your child tries to help, even if he is not entirely successful If he does not do as he is asked, try rephrasing the request Encourage a sense of responsibility over his bedroom by allowing him to choose posters or color schemes Use a smiley face system to reward good behavior, such as helping around the house.

SIBLING RIVALRY You can hardly blame your child for feeling a little put out when his new brother or sister appears. For several months at least, he has been the only child in the house and is used to having you all to himself. A newborn baby requires a great deal of time, love and attention. Your older child does not automatically understand that you still love him just as much, he simply sees you as abandoning him for this new baby. Older children tend to show this frustration by being aggressive, teasing and arguing. Younger children, however, are more likely to become clingy and regressive, as they do not understand what is happening. Preparing siblings for a new baby It is wise to begin to prepare your older children for the new arrival, as soon as possible: Wait until you have a visible bump so that he can actually see what you are talking about. Let him touch your bump and talk to your bump. Encourage him to bond with your unborn baby. Encourage your child to get involved in preparing for his new sibling. Let him choose blanket colors, for example, so that he feels involved. Explain to your child what will happen when the baby arrives. Tell him about any practical changes that are going to occur, such as who will pick him up from school and where he will sleep. A few weeks before the new baby is due to arrive explain to him what will happen when you go into labor. This will help him not to feel fearful when you disappear to the hospital. An older child can be encouraged to be the big brother who needs to show the new baby how to behave. He will enjoy his apparent superiority and you may even get a little help with your new baby!

Once the new baby has arrived home, involve your older child as much as possible. Let him help you make decisions such as choice of clothes or books. How to deal with aggressive behavior towards a new baby A young child is often unable to express his feelings of hurt and anger at the new arrival. These frustrations may boil over and he could become aggressive towards his sibling. If your child hits, or throws things at the baby, you must of course intervene to prevent injury. Encourage your older child to express his thoughts verbally or with drawings. Allocate at least some time every day that is dedicated to him. Tell him how big and grown up he is and point out what he can do for himself, such as walk and talk. When older children wont stop fighting One day they are best friends, the next day mortal enemies. It can be hard to know what to do when the children that you love seem intent on hurting each other. However, there are some useful tips that will work at least some of the time! Never compare one sibling unfavorably with another. This will make the other sibling feel inferior and may engender a feeling of resentment. Look for activities that they can do together. Better still, ask your older child to help your younger child by reaching his favorite toy or helping him with his coat. Make sure that the games they play are non-competitive, such as drawing or role-play. While this is often difficult, give them each a dedicated area to store their favorite toys. With younger children, this is often difficult to enforce, but

any sense of personal boundaries will help to discourage fighting over toys and other belongings. Give each child his dedicated time with you. Do not encourage tattling. If one child comes to tell you what the other has done, tell him that you are not interested. Separate, only if necessary. Encourage them to sort out their difficulties on their own, first.

QUICK GUIDE TO OLDER CHILDREN SIBLING RIVALRY Prepare your child for the new arrival, as soon as you have a tangible bump that he can see Get your child involved in the process of preparing for the new baby Explain what will happen when the new baby arrives, so that he is not scared by his mothers absence Allocate at least some time daily to your older children, so that they do not feel left out Make sure games are non-competitive Give each child an area in which to store his toys; each child should have his own feeling of space.

SELF ESTEEM AND LONGER TERM ISSUES Once your child starts associating with other children he may develop longerterm issues relating to the way he views himself and his level of self-esteem. These issues are often ongoing and may require professional intervention. Overweight children The combination of sedentary hobbies and junk food, available to children these days, means that it can be a real battle to maintain a healthy weight. If you are concerned about your childs weight, contact your pediatrician. It is not uncommon for children to go through a chubby phase and this should cause you little concern. With the guidance of the health professionals, try the following to help your child achieve a healthy weight: Increase your childs activity level. In an ideal world, children should be doing at least one hour a day of activity such as riding a bike or walking the dog. Lead by example and take your children to the park and play ball games or teach them how to skip. Children will be children and it is difficult to cut out sweet food altogether. Instead, try giving smaller portions on a larger plate, so that he is less likely to notice the difference. Keep food out of the reach of children. This way it is easier to monitor exactly what your child is eating. Dont underestimate the calories contained in some sodas. Look for diet versions or, better still, sugar-free cordials or water. Ensure that the family eats at the dining table and not in front of the television. This will help you to focus on exactly what your child is eating. Dealing with depression in a child Most children go through a phase of believing that they are incapable of doing anything correctly. When these negative thoughts extend over a long period of

time, careful attention needs to be given to the underlying causes of this negativity. Children as young as three, and possibly younger, may suffer from depression. It is not clear what causes this depression but it could result from a sudden change in his life, a chemical imbalance, stress or genetics. A child who is suffering from depression may be over anxious, appear disinterested or be abnormally negative. If your child appears depressed, take him seriously. Listen to what he has to say and never suggest that his feelings are trivial. Professional care needs to be given to a child suffering from depression. Do not hesitate to seek advice from your pediatrician. How my behavior can have a long-term effect As the main role model for your child, it is important that you view yourself in a positive light. If you have any issues that affect the way you feel about yourself, ensure that you obtain the help that you need to overcome these feelings. Now is the time to make sure that you do not pass any problems that you may be experiencing, to your children. Seek help and support from those around you; from family, friends or professionals, whichever is necessary. SPECIALIST NEEDS Sometimes parenting requires a different perspective. Not all children are the same and not all circumstances are the same. By considering the issues that surround your childs behavior it may be possible to identify a different approach to tackling those awkward situations.

QUICK GUIDE TO OLDER CHILDREN SELF-ESTEEM AND LONGER TERM ISSUES Always seek professional advice, if you are concerned about long-term issues If you are concerned about your childs weight, increase their activity level rather than encouraging dieting Keep snacks out of your childs way Depression can happen in children as young as three, if you suspect depression, consult a professional The way you see yourself will have a real effect on how your child sees himself, so be careful what you say and do.

ILL CHILDREN AND CHILDHOOD DISEASES Most children are ill at some point during their early years. It is all too easy to attribute any bad behavior to the fact that your child is ill. While a little leniency is necessary when your child is under the weather, many children will see illness as an opportunity to get away with behavior that you would not normally tolerate. If you are in any doubt, you should always contact a pediatrician. Dealing with childhood illnesses Misbehaving is often one of the first signs of illness. If your child suddenly seems to act up more, consider that he may be feeling under the weather. An older child may be able to express that they are feeling ill, whereas with a younger child you will have to be more vigilant for signs such as a raised temperature or rash. Offer sympathy but do not answer your childs every demand. Make sure that you tell your child that you are aware of how he is feeling and that you will do what you can to help. However, you do have to do other things as well. If you feel that your child is prolonging his illness simply to get more attention, try telling him that once he is better he can do something that he really enjoys. Convince him that being ill is boring! Dealing with more persistent illnesses It is a little harder when dealing with children will persistent illnesses. Bear in mind, that a young child is unlikely to feel the same way as an adult does when they are being sick. Children are often not as phased by their illness as the adults who have to clean them up. Older children may feel resentful that they are ill and other children are not.

Explain to your child in a matter of fact manner what their condition is and how it is treated. Reinforce to your child that he is not ill because he has been naughty. Try and separate his behavior from his illness. As an extension of this tell him that being ill is not an excuse for bad behavior. Set boundaries and stick to them, regardless of illness.

QUICK GUIDE TO ILL CHILDREN AND CHILDHOOD DISEASES Relax some rules when your child is ill Misbehaving is often the first sign of an illness, so a sudden change in behavior may indicate a larger problem Always get the advice of a professional, when it comes to illness With a more persistent condition explain, in a matter of fact way, about his condition Explain treatment that he will be receiving Re-enforce that illness is not an excuse for bad behavior.

SPECIAL NEEDS (MENTAL) Raising a child with any form of mental disorder can be exhausting for all involved. Do not blame yourself or your child and make sure that you get all of the help available to you. Discipline is still an important issue and while you may have to alter your expectations, make sure that you set your boundaries and stick to them. Dealing with siblings When one child is particularly demanding, siblings are often sidelined. This can, in turn, lead to your other children developing bad behavior patterns in an attempt to regain your attention. If your other children are old enough, explain to them, in a matter of fact way, what problems their sibling faces. Try to encourage your other children to help you with daily tasks; this will make them feel special and involved. Wherever possible dedicate a period of time to your other children exclusively. Tell them when this time is going to be. Where to get help Speak to your pediatrician; they can be an invaluable source of support. Ask whether there are local support groups that will enable you to talk to other parents who have similar difficulties. Investigate local charities that offer respite care; a couple of hours a week where your child can be cared for and you can have your own space is invaluable. If your child has a rare condition it may be that you can get support on-line from a wider variety of people. Tips Research the condition that your child has. The more you read, the more you learn.

Follow your instincts; if you feel that your child has been misdiagnosed or requires more help, ask for a second opinion. Dont expect too much from yourself. It is natural to feel overwhelmed. Take any help that is offered to you. Be sure not to spoil your child in an attempt to compensate for his illness. Reinforce the importance of discipline regardless of his illness. SPECIAL NEEDS (PHYSICAL) Raising a child with a physical disability requires a great deal of patience and dedication. Families may have to adjust their living quarters and maybe even move house in order to accommodate their childs needs. Problems can often be magnified when your child begins school. They may get frustrated that they cannot join in with the games that their schoolmates are playing and this in turn may lead to disruptive or destructive behavior. Tips Research the options for special education. Your child may benefit from specialist treatment and also from socializing with other similar children. Always tell your child in a factual manner about his disability. Take time to answer his questions. Reinforce that you love him no matter what difficulties he faces. Deal with his insecurity with as much affection as you can. Make time for his siblings, as they may feel neglected or unloved if your disabled child is given all of your attention.

QUICK GUIDE TO SPECIAL NEEDS Get every bit of help that you can Do not blame yourself Explain to older siblings about the conditions and what they can do to help Dedicate time to your other children, so that they do not feel abandoned or become jealous Do plenty of research so that you know about the condition and what you can do to self-help Resist the temptation to over-compensate with treats.

SINGLE PARENTS Raising children is a difficult task. Raising them on your own can often feel impossible. How you feel about your role, as a single parent, is likely to vary depending on whether you chose to be on your own, whether it is as a result of a relationship breakdown or whether you have been bereaved. Retaining sanity A happy parent makes a happy child. Do not feel guilty about wanting to spend time on your own away from your child. If you are offered help from friends and family take it! Be aware that your child may be feeling abandoned. Explain as truthfully as you can where their other parent has gone. Resist the temptation to speak badly about his father (or mother) in front of him. Do not lie to him. If he asks a question about what his father (or mother) thinks, tell him that you cannot speak for his absent parent and that he should ask him (or her) directly.

Dealing with discipline when you are outnumbered When you are on your own with more than one child, it can be hard to know which way to turn first! Discuss discipline with the other parent. Make sure that you are, as far as possible, maintaining the same standards. If this is impossible, remind your child that he may be able to do certain things with Dad (or Mom) but he is not allowed to do these with you. Resist the temptation to offer your child rewards that are not earned. It can be tempting to make up for the absence of the other parent with treats.

Explain to your child what has happened in as much detail as is appropriate for his age. Do not glorify the situation and do not tell him details that he does not need to know. Maintain the same discipline rules that you did before you were single (or that you would if you were not single). In order to maintain your sanity make sure that you choose your battles wisely. It is unlikely that you will have sufficient energy (or time) to deal with every little issue, so decide on what is important and enforce those rules. Let other things go. Dont try to be perfect. If your house is a little messy so what!

QUICK GUIDE FOR SINGLE PARENTS Do not try and do everything Accept offers of help Do not speak badly of your ex-partner Try to explain, in a matter of fact way, where the ex-partner is Choose your battles wisely, you do not have unlimited energy Make sure that you are maintaining consistent discipline; discuss your strategy with any other primary care-givers.

STEP FAMILIES Youre not my real Dad! Sound familiar? Then you dont need to be told of the frustration of raising children in a stepfamily. Stepfamilies are commonplace in todays society, but it doesnt make it any easier when you are faced with the daily battle. Discipline issues: Make sure that both parents agree on a discipline strategy. As a stepparent, try moving the focus from your own authority and refer to them as house rules. Consistency of treatment for all children is fundamental. Give children the opportunity to express their feelings of anger or resentment. Do not interrupt and do not pass them off as silly. If they feel you really listen then you may avert an attention seeking tantrum Rivalry between the children Where there are mixed families, rivalry may be even greater than normally seen. How you deal with the rivalry is similar to other cases of sibling rivalry. However, there are a few extra tips to try: Allow children to spend time with their natural parent. Misbehavior is often due to a child feeling abandoned or replaced. Consider holding a family meeting to discuss issues that may be troubling your children and for you to inform every one of the household rules. Resist the temptation to favor a child. It can be tempting to over compensate and favor a stepchild. This will only further your own childs feeling of abandonment. Do not try and replace the natural mother or father of your stepchild. NEVER speak about them in a derogatory manner.

QUICK GUIDE FOR STEPFAMILIES Agree on house rules between the parents Refer to rules as house rules rather than your rules, so that the step parent is removed as the target of animosity Do not over-compensate to the stepchild by allowing him to break rules Do not try and replace the natural parent.

GRANDPARENTS Grandparents take on a variety of different roles, in today's society. Ranging from the occasional visit to almost full-time care, it is virtually impossible to define what a 'standard' grandparent does, nowadays! Bearing this in mind, fitting into the routines and discipline that the family has set can be a real challenge. Setting the boundaries As a grandparent you are often able to be more objective when it comes to your grandchild's tantrums. However, be sensitive to the parents; they may be under considerable stress! Knowing when to offer assistance to parents can be a real issue. If you are unsure, ask. Try offering tangible assistance. Offer for example to take care of the children at a specified time, such as 9am Saturday. It is a lot easier for parents to accept a definite offer than to phone up with a request for help. Resist the temptation to belittle or correct the parent's approach. Consider attending a parent and toddler group or even a specialist group for grandparents. Discipline techniques change and it pays to be up to date with the latest terminology. Take some time to ask the parents what rules they are enforcing. Consistency will benefit everyone involved. Disciplining your grandchild The level of discipline that you will have to enforce depends largely on how much caring you do for your grandchildren. A visiting grandparent can afford to be a little more lenient, whereas a grandparent who regularly cares for the children will almost certainly have to take a stricter approach. Children are incredibly cunning, even from an early age. The line, "Mommy let's me", will appear sooner than you think. A good approach to this scenario

is, if possible, to suggest to the child that you will both go, together, to ask Mommy. Be prepared to apologize to your grandchild if indeed he was telling the truth! If there is a genuine dispute and you feel that you cannot tolerate behavior that is acceptable to the parents, explain to your grandchild that this is YOUR house and as such, YOUR rules apply. It's exhausting looking after a child, particularly when you are older. Explain this to your grandchild and ask that he helps by playing less strenuous games. Children rise to the occasion very well - particularly when they feel that they are 'helping'. Keep a record of events throughout the day to show the parents. This can help you to ensure that you are doing what they would want; it is also a useful way of putting any childcare suggestions that you have to them. Enjoy your grandchild - a recent survey of over 3,000 parents revealed that over 70% said that the best thing about grandparents is the love and attention they give to their grandchildren.

QUICK GUIDE FOR GRANDPARENTS Your relationship depends very much on what level of contact you have with your grandchild Set boundaries and stick to them Take time to ask the parents what they are doing, in terms of discipline, so that you can continue with the work Offer tangible assistance to the parents, such as specific times when you will take the children out, for an hour or two Do not exhaust yourself play less strenuous games Rest assured that your love and attention will be the most appreciated thing that you give to your grandchildren.

TWINS Having more than one child is a real joy, but very hard work! Issues that appear simple, where one child is involved, can take on a whole new dimension when you have two minds and bodies to deal with. Join a local support group so that you can speak to other parents about their experiences. Remember you are human and cannot be expected to do everything. Looking after twins is a full time job; don't expect the house to be spotless as well! Sleeping tips for twins (or more) With more than one child, it is even more important that you develop a consistent routine. It is not physically possible to be in two places at once. It is, therefore, important that your twins are content with their routine. Having a set routine will ensure that they do not feel abandoned, when you leave them to tend to their brother or sister. Allow young babies to sleep in the same cot. Separating them should be done when you feel that they are ready. As a general rule they will need more space as they get older and should, therefore, be separated before their first birthday. Once you have separated them, make sure that they can still see each other, as they will feel comforted by each others presence. Tempting as it may seem, to deal with the more anxious twin first, resist this and deal with his calmer sibling. This will allow you more time to focus on the other twin after you are certain that one is calm. Although twins tend to sleep through the night at roughly the same age, this is not always the case, particularly if one was born a lot heavier than the other. If one twin wakes up for a feed, ensure that you also feed the other; otherwise you may find yourself getting up twice as often as necessary. Twins rarely wake each other up with their crying so don't worry too much about this possibility.

Discipline As your twins grow older, they are likely to develop substantially different personalities. They are, after all, individuals. Make sure that each child gets some time with a parent, alone. It is important that he has a chance, as an individual, to express his concerns. Resist the temptation to focus on the louder child. Try to ensure that they both get equal attention. Never compare the twins, simply give more attention to the twin that is behaving well rather than punishing the child that is behaving badly. Not gaining your attention and being left out of the game is punishment enough for a child. When they are arguing over a prized toy, use a timer and ask one twin to count to ten while the other twin plays with the toy and then ensure that they swap over. This can become a game in itself. If you have grandparents available to help, suggest that one twin goes to his grandparents for an hour and then allow them to swap. This way they will both get an opportunity to do separate activities and to get some individual attention. Concentrate on issues that really matter; you only have so much energy so pick your battles wisely. If you issue a threat, make sure that you carry it through.

QUICK GUIDE FOR TWINS Allow them to sleep in the same cot until they are too big to do so, safely Deal with the anxious twin first Make sure each twin gets equal one-to-one time with a parent, to discuss their individual concerns Concentrate on the important issues.

ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER With, on average, 4 to 12 % of children in the U.S. suffering from ADHD, it is becoming a real issue for many parents. Most sufferers are diagnosed before their seventh birthday. Diagnosing ADHD ADHD is highly controversial, largely because it is so difficult to diagnose and there are no known causes. Treatment can involve multiple drugs that many parents, understandably, are reluctant to use. Despite no definite scientific proof, it appears that ADHD does have a genetic link, with siblings of children with ADHD being over 25% more likely to suffer from the condition. Symptoms include: A very short attention span and a reluctance to attempt any task, in detail. Being forgetful and often losing items. Being easily distracted by things going on around him. Generally more physically active and has trouble waiting in lines. If you believe that your child has ADHD it is vital that you seek the help of a medical professional. They will assist in your diagnosis and discuss treatment options with you. Self-help treatments It can be a relief finally to have a diagnosis, although this relief is often shortlived. There are some things that can be done by you at home to assist in dealing with a child with ADHD:

Explain to your child why he is having regular appointments. Weekly visits to the doctor may scare your child, so prepare him for these by telling him what will happen and how he will benefit. Routine is even more important for a child with ADHD. They need to know when they will eat, sleep and play. This will help them to feel more secure in their surroundings. Make sure that the rewards you offer for good behavior are instantaneous. A child with ADHD is much less able to cope with the concept of waiting for his reward. If you are using a smiley face system of reward, consider breaking the time periods down to half days, or even hours. Tell everyone who deals with your child, regularly, that he has ADHD. Give them leaflets on the subject, and explain what it means and how they can help your child. As you child is easily distracted, try to create a calm space for him. Make sure his room is kept relatively clutter free. Separate his workspace from his play space, if at all possible.

QUICK GUIDE TO ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER This is a highly controversial behavioral problem Seek professional advice to help with diagnosis and treatment Make rewards more instantaneous Routines are even more important with a child that has ADHD Create a calm space for your child Explain the condition to other adults who are in regular contact with your child, so that they can understand how to deal with him.

THE PARENT It is impossible to consider parenting issues, without considering the parent. As role models and guardians, we as parents, are the main influences on our young children. How we act and react to everyday situations is likely to impact on our children, for life. Don't let this scare you; your ability to be a positive influence is key. TYPES OF PARENTING What type of parent are you? No two children are the same, and similarly no two parents are the same. Trying to behave in a way that is unnatural to you will serve no useful purpose. You will only end up becoming frustrated with yourself and your child. There are four main recognized different styles of parenting: Authoritative parents: tending to use positive reinforcement rather than punishment and offering clear boundaries in an assertive manner. Authoritarian parent: tending more towards insisting on a high level of obedience, often without allowing the children to make any decisions for themselves. Indulgent parents: tending to allow a wide range of behavior and have a relaxed view of discipline. Uninvolved parents: at the extreme end, these parents may even be considered neglectful. Normally, however, uninvolved parents allow their children a high degree of independence, from an early age. Based on these four styles, there have been dozens of tests performed to assess the impact of these parenting

styles on children. As it is virtually impossible to determine what exactly triggers certain behavior, these results should not be taken too seriously. There is evidence, however, of the following: Children from indulgent backgrounds are less likely to suffer from depression and are socially more adept. However, they are more likely to develop behavioral problems. Children from authoritarian backgrounds tend to perform well in school and suffer little from behavioral problems. They do, however, have a greater problem with social skills and self-esteem. Authoritative parents are more likely to raise children that are generally well balanced, both socially and in terms of behavior. Children from uninvolved backgrounds generally perform poorly in all areas. You will see from these findings, therefore, that being involved and doing your best will tend to produce better results compared with being uninvolved. Recognizing your natural parenting style enables you to work on your weaker areas. Nobody is perfect, but you can be certain that by getting involved you are much more likely to raise a child who is balanced, happy and healthy. Getting help If you are experiencing difficulties with your own thoughts and feelings, do seek medical advice. It is common for parents to feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of child rearing. Take some time to look after yourself and talk to a professional, if necessary. A happy parent is far more likely to raise a happy child - so it is in your child's best interest for you to make sure that you are content with your role as parent. What causes anger in parents? Any parent who tells you that they have never lost their temper is either a saint or a liar! Anger normally arises when one of the following occurs:

When a child disrespects his parent. From frustration, through not knowing how to deal with your child's behavior. When a child has embarrassed his parents in public. When a child fails to meet a parent's expectations of suitable behavior. All of these events are magnified when coupled with sleep deprivation. Frustration, in one form or another, is the usual trigger for anger. This is natural; it is how we, as parents, deal with it that counts.

QUICK GUIDE TO TYPES OF PARENTING Dont try to be something that you are not Recognise what type of parent you are and be aware of your behavior Uninvolved parents generally produce children with more problems so get involved Look after yourself and get medical help if required.

DEALING WITH ANGER Children learn from their parents. If a parent's response to frustration is to lash out in anger, one can hardly blame the child for reacting in the same way, the next time that he becomes frustrated. When you feel your anger rising, try the following ideas: Change the surroundings, for both you and your child. Go for a walk, start a new game or just go into a different room. Take a break. If there are two of you, get your partner to take the children out to the park or for a walk. Return the favor! If you are on your own, consider forming a group so that one of you can take all of the children out one day and then swap around. It might be a hard couple of hours when you have the children all to yourself, but at least you get a break in return! If you are at the end of your tether, make sure that your child is safe and walk away. There is no shame in leaving the room and going to calm down. A few minutes on your own may be enough to regain your composure. When anger becomes a way of life, get help. Anger is particularly likely to become a problem if you have worries in other areas of life such as finances or relationships. Never be too proud to ask for help - you are not alone. Don't worry if your older child sees you getting frustrated; it's how you deal with it that really matters. After the eruption! Sometimes it just happens, common sense goes out of the window and we lose our temper. If this happens, take time out, you can even tell your children that you need a time-out. If you are using this method as a way of calming your children, they will understand and probably be quite pleased that the same rules apply to you! It may be necessary to apologize to your children; do this in a matter of fact way. Don't dwell on your outburst, the children certainly won't! The

guilty feelings that plague a parent last much longer than any upset in a child. So relax, you're only human!

QUICK GUIDE TO DEALING WITH ANGER Recognize what makes you angry; is it frustration or fear? Try changing your surroundings, to calm yourself down If there is another adult around, take a break If all else fails, make sure your child is safe and walk away, if you are angry, you will not achieve anything until you calm down Dont feel guilty if you lose your temper, apologize if necessary and then move on.

BALANCE IN YOUR OWN LIFE It can be easy to forget that you are more than a parent. Children have a way of taking over your every minute. While it is perfectly natural for your children to be the most important thing in the world to you, it is equally important that you look after yourself. Neglecting yourself is a sure-fire way to sap your enthusiasm and energy. Over time, this will affect your children. Signs to look out for You probably know better than most when you are running low on energy. However, there are a few telltale signs that may indicate that it is time to take a step back. Eating the children's scraps instead of preparing a main meal. Social activities, if there are any, revolve entirely around school events. You get no exercise, other than looking after the children. Restoring balance Easier said than done! With an endless list of chores, it may seem impossible. Follow these steps to help restore balance in your life: Write down a list of activities that you enjoy, examples include: going for a walk on your own, going to the gym or having a long soak in the bath. From your list, tick the three that you would most like to do. Show your list to your partner or friends and ask them to help you to incorporate these activities into your daily life. If you have friends with children, suggest that you do it together, so that you can look after each other's children, in turn. Sort out the practicalities. Is there day care available at your local fitness center? Would your parents look after your children for an hour, at the

weekend, so that you can go for a coffee with a friend? By involving others, you are much more likely to stick to your plan. Enjoying activities with your children Recharging your batteries can even be accomplished with the children around. Instead of worrying about everything, take some time to regress to your childhood: Get dirty! Join your children in the sandpit. Go to a big open space and practice animal noises. Children love imitating animals such as lions and a good shout might help relieve some of your tension. Hold your own disco. Play loud music and dance wildly; your children will love it and you will get some exercise into the bargain. Go on to child time. Suspend all but the essential housework for one day. It will do no long-term harm to let the pile of ironing grow a little bit higher, and the relief will benefit you greatly.

QUICK GUIDE TO BALANCING YOUR OWN LIFE Recognize the warning signs that you are not getting enough time to yourself Make a list of activities that you enjoy and try to make sure that you take time to fulfil some of these goals Enlist the help of friends and family Make taking time out part of your weekly routine Do some activities that are fun with your children, such as having a disco or playing in the sand pit Make a rule that no housework will be done, on a specific day, so that you can slow down slightly and concentrate on the important things.

FATHERS The role of the father is anything but easy. Knowing when to offer support to your partner is just one of the many issues that you face. Work can also be a key issue for many fathers. Working to live not living to work Take time to reassess your priorities. Talk to your partner and your boss. Decide what the most important things are to you and your family, and make sure that you do not lose sight of your priorities. Negotiate with your boss to see if you can work flexi-time or telecommute. Learn to let go of some of the chores. It really doesnt matter if the lawn grows a little too long. Have an allotted time, on a weekly basis, where you are on your own with your children. Stick to it! Dont be afraid to ask for help. Looking after children is demanding, particularly when you are not performing the role on a daily basis. Take advice from your partner in the spirit that it is intended. If finances can stand it, consider hiring someone to do the lawn and any other little chores that might get in the way of your family time. Always make sure that you know what the 'current' issues are with behavior and how your partner is dealing with it. Never contradict or undermine your partner, in front of the children. If necessary, discuss the matter away from the children so that you can present a united front. Stay at home fathers Society is changing. There are an increasing number of fathers opting to stay at home with their children. If this appeals to you, discuss the possibility with your partner. They might be delighted at the prospect of going back to work! Being in full charge of a child is hard work. Be aware that as a father you will see some resistance to your new role. While society is changing, it has not changed completely, so do not take to heart the suspicious looks in the

playground or the looks of pity, when you explain to new friends what you do, on a daily basis. Be proud. You are doing the most important job on earth - raising your children. Resist the temptation to make excuses for your position.

QUICK GUIDE FOR FATHERS Reassess your priorities Negotiate with your boss for flexible working arrangements Make the most of your time off work by spending time alone with the children If you feel like becoming a househusband, voice your thoughts.

ABSENT PARENTS In divorce, the mother wins the custody battle in 90% of cases. The result is that a huge number of fathers and several mothers struggle to maintain contact with their children. Children grow at an alarming rate. It can be disconcerting to arrive, one weekend, to see that the child you left last week has a whole new repertoire of tricks up his sleeve! Rules for the absent parent Hard as it may be, try to follow these rules in order to ensure that your children are not adversely affected by your separation from their other parent: Never argue with your ex-partner in front of the children. Air any grievances in private and make sure that you support your ex-partner in front of the children. Always keep your promises to both your ex-partner and to your children. You may not think that being 5 minutes late is a problem, but to a young child it can feel like a lifetime. Try to ensure that your children do not see any emotional weakness from you as a result of your separation. Children will feel more secure with the situation if they genuinely believe that you are going to be okay. Stick with them; being a parent involves being around for them at every stage of life. Do your best! Making the most of limited visitation If you only get to see your children for a limited time, it is important that you make the most of it. Maintain the disciplinary techniques that your ex-partner is using. The consistency will be comforting for your children and will allow you to be a

positive influence on their behavior. Ask your ex-partner about their techniques, to make sure that you are doing the right thing. Resist the temptation to shower your children with gifts. This can cause resentment from your ex-partner and can also cause discipline problems. Ask your children what they want to do - don't assume that you know their preferences. You might be surprised when your child declares that he would rather play cars with you than go to an expensive theme park. Take time to talk to your children on their own and without distractions. Let them know that you are always there for them. Being an effective absent parent is a real challenge. Focus on what you've got and the opportunities that you have, currently, rather than on what you did have or would like to have had. Make the most of every minute and enjoy!

QUICK GUIDE FOR ABSENT PARENTS Always stick to access arrangements Ask your ex-partner about how they are dealing with issues such as discipline, so that you can act consistently Do not speak badly of the other parent Resist the temptation to spoil your child with treats Ask your children what they want to do with your day together, dont assume you know Take time to really talk to your children Let them know that you are there for them.