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Dr. Ali Khwaja

(with inputs from Sapna)

presents techniques, exercises and experiential analysis on how you can

Generally in difficult interpersonal situations, we tend to behave in one of the following ways:
1. Becoming dominating and aggressive, trying to get our way 2. Becoming passive and submissive, and giving up 3. Trying to pair up with someone for support and take help The fourth and most appropriate way of handling relationships is by Assertiveness. Most people confuse assertiveness with aggression or getting my own way. True assertiveness, however, is much more than that. Assertiveness considers the rights and needs of everybody. It assumes that everyone is equal. Because of this assertiveness can be thought of as a method of increasing choices for everyone. Many situations actually do not require a confrontation at all. If we are happy to accept the situation then all is well and good. If not then we must choose one of the other options. Lets look at these more closely.

Aggression
The aim of aggression is to get our own way to win whatever the cost to other people. Aggression is not interested in the rights, wants or needs of others. Aggression is usually destructive, either physically or psychologically. Its true that people who behave aggressively often get what they want but aggression has other results as well.
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I. Aggression often breeds aggression. This means that once people start behaving
aggressively with each other it can be very hard to stop. People start looking for new ways to hurt each other and before you know it theyre lifelong enemies. II. Aggression can make us unpopular. Once we get a reputation for being aggressive people start avoiding us. This may be because theyre frightened we might turn on them or because they think well embarrass them by behaving aggressively to other people. They may also be worried that theyll lose friends or influence as people might assume that they are just as aggressive. In the end, the only friends aggressive people have are people who are just as aggressive themselves or people who are frightened of them. They lose out on a lot of friendships because of their hostility. III. Aggression discourages people from helping us in the future. If we force people to do what we want by using aggression they will probably feel bad about us. This often means they refuse to help us when we really need them. IV. Some people believe that behaving aggressively makes others respect us. It doesnt, it simply makes them fear us. Frightened people only do what we want for as long as we are watching. As soon as our backs are turned they tend to do their own thing. This makes our aggression a waste of time. V. Aggression can make us feel good for a short while but is it worth it?

Submission or Passivity
(Behaving as though other peoples rights matter more than our own.)

Passive people behave as though they dont have the right to:
Have an opinion. This means that they never take the opportunity to say what they really think and may end up missing out on things or going along with others when they dont really want to. Contribute. Passive people often dont dare to join in with other people or voice their opinions. Theyre frightened of looking stupid in front of other people they consider to be more important. Be valued. Passive people often act as though they have no value. As though they are completely worthless. Sometimes people start treating them as if they really are worthless which only makes it harder for the passive person to change.

Lets look at the effects of passivity. Passivity usually results in: I. Not getting what we want or need. If we dont join in and tell others what we
actually want we probably wont get it. This often results in real unhappiness and may even be the cause of a much more difficult situation. II. Less respect from others. If we let people treat us like doormats they quickly learn to do just that. Its as though we actually invite them to treat us in this way. In this situation people tend not to respect us at all. Most people think more highly of people who are prepared to stand up for themselves. III. Reduced stress in the short term. It is easier to let people have their own way. In this way we can avoid conflict. But is it worth it?
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Pairing Up
This requires us to seek out a third, usually unconcerned person, and persuade him to stand by us. This weakens our own self-esteem and our confidence levels. Also, the third person may actually make matters worse by hijacking the issue. Similarly, the person we are confronting may feel more offended knowing that a third person has been brought into the scene, and may also resort to getting brute force of other friends or supporters of his. Pairing up is also an escapist tendency where we may lose control over the situation, surrender to someone else, and impair our capacity to handle difficult relationships. Even if the third person you pair up with is knowledgeable and helpful, you are only solving the immediate problem, not building up your own self-esteem and your interpersonal skills.

Assertiveness
The aim of assertiveness is to find the best possible solution for all people. Its about finding win:win solutions. Assertiveness sees everyone as equal with equal rights and equal responsibilities.

I. Assertiveness increases the chances of our needs being met. If we are able to tell people what we want without becoming
aggressive they will be more likely to help us. Also, if they cant help us and we are able to accept that without becoming aggressive, they will remain friends.

II. Assertiveness allows us to remain in control. We can decide for ourselves what
we want to do and then seek out opportunities to do it or to do something similar. It puts us back in the driving seat.

III. Assertiveness brings greater self-confidence. As we learn to take control and

see what we can achieve, our confidence increases. This in turn increases our feelings of selfworth and self-esteem. We begin to feel better more effective.

IV. Assertiveness lets us have greater confidence in others. This is because it

also helps others to state their needs and wants. By dealing honestly and fairly with them, we encourage them to do the same with us.

V. Assertive people have more friends. As we begin to treat people more fairly they
begin to trust us, to like us and to want to spend more time with us. We make friends who truly respect us instead of walking all over us (passivity) or fearing us (aggression).

VI. Reduced stress. The more in control we feel the less stressed we feel. We dont need
to worry about doing things wed rather not. We dont have to let other people control us. Nor do we have to worry about trying to control other people. We have the power to choose our own destiny. Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights translates to being selfish. Selfishness means being concerned about only your rights, with little or no regard for others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned about the legitimate rights of others as well.
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What Assertiveness Will Not Do

Asserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee you happiness or fair treatment by others, nor will it solve all your personal problems or guarantee that others will be assertive and not aggressive. Just because you assert yourself does not mean you will always get what you want; however, lack of assertiveness is most certainly one of the reasons why conflicts occur in relationships. I do understand that its difficult to learn assertiveness from a book or handout. But if you pick up the practical points from this book and practice them exhaustively (with proper monitoring and feedback), you can definitely succeed in bringing about a change in your behavior, and hence in your relationships. Here are a few pointers which may help. Remember that there are many ways to interact with others. We can inform, explain, discuss or simply have a relaxed conversation. Its often useful to know in advance precisely how you intend to interact. For example if you intend to inform another person of a decision you have made, thats one thing. You dont necessarily need to explain it and you certainly dont need to discuss it with them unless you choose to. Having a clear idea of the boundaries which you have set beforehand is extremely useful especially when dealing with aggression. Most people have absolutely no idea what you are feeling inside. They only get what you give them. If you look and sound confident people will believe you are confident. Knowing this makes assertive interactions much easier. Try it and see for yourself.

Listed below are some basic human rights. If you work at maintaining these
rights for yourself and for others you will be behaving assertively. Incidentally the more assertively you behave, the more assertive you become. What you see is what you get. I have the right to say "No". I have the right not to understand. I have the right to make mistakes. I have the right to be listened to. I have the right to have my needs met. I have the right to contribute. I have the right to dignity. I have the right to make my own decisions. I have the right to consideration from others.

Alongside rights come responsibilities. These are also part of

the assertiveness ethic. For example: I am responsible for treating others fairly, honestly and with respect for their dignity. I am responsible for my own actions and their consequences. I am responsible for upholding the rights of others whenever I can. I am responsible for my own decisions. I accept responsibility for my own life. What happens to me is generally a result of my own decisions.

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Identify Your Assertiveness Needs

Do you often find that others coerce you into thinking their way? Is it difficult for you to express your positive or negative feelings openly and honestly? Do you sometimes lose control and become angry at others who don't warrant it? A "yes" answer to any of the above questions may be an expression of a common problem known as "lack of assertiveness."

Assertiveness is a way of behavior where you take into account your own needs and balance them with the needs of others. It can be developed:
1. Become aware of the basic difference between aggressive and assertive behavior. 2. Identify why we tend to become submissive with some people. Who are you submissive with, and why? Analyze those people. 3. Think of three people you know who are assertive. How do they express their assertiveness? 4. What assertiveness qualities do you have, and how do you manifest them in your day-today life? 5. Think of your close people who are you submissive, aggressive, assertive with, and why are you different with different people? 6. How do you express assertiveness, and how will you develop on it in future body language, tone, saying No, asking for what you want, taking criticism, etc.

Build Up Your Assertiveness

Stress: First check out your stress levels.
If you are under high stress, it will be very difficult for you to behave in an assertive manner. You will probably resort to fight or flight, i.e. either get into an unpleasant fight, or just escape, run away from the situation (flight). If you find that your stress levels are high, work on reducing them systematically and regularly. I have dealt with stress relief in another book of mine, so I am not repeating stress reduction techniques here.

Deep breathing, relaxation: When oxygen goes to the brain, it helps you
think clearer and in a calm way. When you need to face difficult situations, make a habit of doing some deep breathing or any other quick relaxation technique. Even having a glass of water helps. Gaining time always helps in giving a better and more assertive response to any type of stimulant from others. Just a few seconds can make a vital difference. Where there is opportunity, sleep over the issue, i.e. ask for time and get back to the interaction the next day. It is amazing how your thinking and your attitude changes when you have slept over an important issue.

Dont anticipate trouble:

who build up anxiety levels by anticipating trouble and by mentally imagining the worst situation, inevitably get so tensed up and defensive that they react very negatively. Remind yourself continuously that you can never predict what the other persons responses, words or actions will be. While you prepare systematically the alternatives and responses available to you, do not start visualizing the worst scenario beforehand.

Those

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Replace thoughts: If the negative thoughts are refusing to go away, then allow
your mind to visualize the worst-case scenario. Stop and close your eyes, and take in that situation slowly and calmly. Once it has seeped into you, then start forcefully visualizing a good outcome of the same interaction. Think of the most positive response that the other person could give you. Let that also sink into you. Then you will have a balanced mind when you actually approach the person or the situation.

Check your mental state:

As taught by the Transactional Analysis (TA)

gurus, we are in one of three mental states all the time: Parent, Adult or Child (P-A-C). When you are in the Parent state, you will probably want to take control, advise the other person, or expect the person to obey you. When you are in the Child state, you will expect others to pamper you, to fulfill your needs and to give in even when you are wrong. The best way to face a situation that will require you to be assertive is to bring yourself into the Adult (logical) state, where you can balance your needs with those of others.

Making up:

Despite your best efforts, you may at times lose control and find yourself behaving in a manner that is more aggressive than assertive. Do not lament over it or spend time feeling guilty or ashamed. Try and see if you can make up after the argument is over and things have cooled down. A simple apology can work wonders at times. Use the incident as a learning lesson and fortify yourself to prevent a recurrence. Below are only some of the proven techniques, but you can modify them or create your own, based on your own needs and what suits you best.

Techniques for Assertiveness

1. Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel. The following statements project this preciseness: o "I want to..." o "I don't want you to..." o "Would you...?" o "I liked it when you did that." o "I have a different opinion, I think that..." o "I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons, but I am disturbed about these aspects for these reasons." It can be helpful to explain exactly what you mean and exactly what you don't mean, such as "I don't want to break up over this, but I'd like to talk it through and see if we can prevent it from happening again. Be direct. Deliver your message to the person for whom it is intended. If you want to tell Anita something, tell Anita; do not tell everyone except Anita; do not tell a group, of which Anita happens to be a member. 2. "Own" your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference, your conception of good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, your perceptions. You can acknowledge ownership with personalized ("I") statements such as "I don't agree with you" (as compared to "You're wrong") or "I'd like you to clean the room" (as compared to "You really should clean the room, you know"). By suggesting that someone is wrong or bad and should change for his or her own benefit, you will only foster resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.
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3. Ask for feedback. "Am I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do?" Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any misperceptions you may have as well as help others realize that you are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Encourage others to be clear, direct, and specific in their feedback to you.

Learning to Become More Assertive

As you learn to become more assertive, remember to use your assertive "skills" selectively. It is not just what you say to someone verbally, but also how you communicate nonverbally with voice, tone, gestures, eye contact, facial expression and posture that will influence your impact on others. You must remember that it takes time and practice, as well as a willingness to accept yourself as you make mistakes, to reach the goal of acting assertively. As you practice your techniques, it is often helpful to have accepting relationships and a supportive environment. People who understand and care about you are your strongest assets.

Some More Assertiveness Techniques

There are many techniques to develop assertive behaviour. Most are based on the three-line assertion message, in which: you understand and summarise the facts of the situation you indicate your feelings towards the situation you state your requirements, reasons and benefits to the other party, if appropriate. Assertion normally comprises this three line assertive message. This technique enables you to confront the other person with your concern without being personally aggressive, but it is not easy and demands skilful conversation control. For example, you might say: "When you.." (state facts) "I feel uncomfortable ...." (state feelings) "I would like.(state requirements).in this way we will be able to work together more productively because.." (benefits to the other party) Here the person relates the behaviour that causes offence, says how he/she feels and then gives a reason. Note there are no such attributions as 'You are deliberately annoying me', there are no swear words, there are no put-downs of the other person. The emphasis is on indicating how you feel and thereby seeking to gain a positive rather than an aggressive response from the other person.

Here are a Few Guidelines for Assertive Delivery

Acknowledge and be honest about your own feelings to yourself Adopt new positive inner dialogue for situations where you need to be more assertive Be clear, specific and direct in what you say If necessary, keep repeating your message if you encounter objections If necessary ask for clarification if you are uncertain about something If necessary, acknowledge diversion tactics, then again repeat your message Adopt appropriate body language to back up your assertion Keep calm and stick to the point Always respect the rights of the other person

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And Always Ask Yourself These Questions

How can I express my message more clearly? How can I be more specific about what I have to say? Am I likely to have to repeat my message? Will I feel comfortable doing this? Am I prepared to respond to their red herrings, and at the same time stick to my message? What body language will I use to back up my message?

How to Give Praise and Criticism

Comment on specific actions. For example, 'You handled that awkward customer very
well by listening to her argument instead of interrupting rather than, 'You're quite good with difficult people, aren't you? The second comment was too general, it didnt give the other person specific feedback about what she/he did well. Another example is 'You missed the deadline for that report', rather than, 'You're absolutely hopeless at managing your time. Again the second statement is too general and subjective. Absolutely hopeless is not a good starting point for developing specific time-management behaviours.

Follow this up with reasons for your comments. This is

helpful whether the comments are positive or negative because we need to know what we are being praised for if we are to know how to use it as helpful feedback: 'You missed the deadline for that report, probably because you have been spending more time on telephone sales than we planned. Perhaps we should discuss how you should allocate your time in future?'

Don't use praise as a way of manipulating people into doing something for you,
e.g. 'You are the most hardworking member of the department and I really appreciate the effort you put in for the meeting this afternoon. Perhaps you could just write up the minutes for me?' This manipulation makes the praise insincere.

When giving criticism, seek solutions, rather than commenting on somebody's

personality. 'You're getting far too many complaints from members of the public recently. What the heck's the matter with you?' is very unhelpful. Instead say: 'You seem to be getting complaints from members of the public in your section at the moment. Do you know what the problem is?' Above all, avoid public put-downs, or criticism in situations which will cause embarrassment.

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Body Language
Your body language plays a very important part of your assertiveness. This is how the body language of a person differs depending on whether he is: Passive
Eye contact Hands Posture Dress Walking Expression minimal limp stooped baggy, shabby shuffling, slow dull, withdrawn

Aggressive
glaring fidgeting chest out showing off swaggering leering, proud

Assertive
steady free movement straight neat & clean upright & brisk firm, responsive

Practice Your Assertiveness

Consider typical situations at work or at home which require assertive behavior and practice your approach. Typical situations might include: giving criticism to a close colleague having to refuse to accept additional work asking help from a notoriously difficult colleague.

Work through the following steps.

Explain the situation to a friend or colleague, briefing him/her about whoever you will be talking to. Use role-play to talk through the situation. Make your points clearly. In this conversation the other person will respond as the appropriate character. Ask the other person what you did well, and what you could improve. If it will help, talk through the situation again. Finally, swap roles - this will give you the opportunity of picking up other ideas from the other person. At the same time you will experience the other side of the assertive approach.

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Assertiveness Inventory
The Assertiveness Inventory provides a list of questions, which should be useful in increasing your awareness of your own behavior in situations which call for assertiveness. The Inventory is not a standardized psychological test. There are no "right" answers. There is no formal scoring procedure. The only "score" is your own evaluation of how you measure up to what you would LIKE to be able to do. Be honest with yourself. After you complete the inventory you can use the results to help plan your own program of growth, by keeping a log to monitor your progress. (Sample log given at the end of the inventory). The following questions will be helpful in assessing your assertiveness. Be honest in your responses. All you have to do is draw a circle around the number that described you best.

Key : 0 = no or never; 1= somewhat or sometimes; 2= average; 3 = usually or a good

deal; and 4 = practically always or entirely. 1. When a person is highly unfair, do you call it to their attention? 0 1 2 3 4 2. Do you find it difficult to make decisions? 0 1 2 3 4 3. Are you openly critical of others' ideas, opinions, behaviour? 0 1 2 3 4 4. Do you speak out in protest when someone takes your place in a line? 0 1 2 3 4 5. Do you often avoid people or situations for fear of embarrassment? 0 1 2 3 4 6. Do you usually behave confidently in your own judgement? 0 1 2 3 4 7. Do you insist that your spouse/roommate should take on a fair share of household chores? 01234 8. Are you prone to "fly off the handle"? 0 1 2 3 4 9. When a salesman makes an effort, do you find it hard to say "NO" even though the merchandise is not really what you want? 0 1 2 3 4 10 When a latecomer is waited on before you are, do you call attention to the situation? 01234 11. Are you reluctant to speak up in a discussion or a debate ? 0 1 2 3 4 12. If a person has borrowed money (or a book, garment, thing of value) and is overdue in returning it, do you mention it? 0 1 2 3 4 13. Do you continue to pursue an argument after the other person has had enough? 0 1 2 3 4 14. Do you generally express what you feel ? 0 1 2 3 4 15. Are you disturbed if someone watches you at work ? 0 1 2 3 4 16. If someone keeps kicking or bumping your chair, in a movie or a lecture, do you ask the person to stop? 0 1 2 3 4 17. Do you find it difficult to keep eye contact when talking with another person? 0 1 2 3 4

Since this is a self-assessment exercise, please ensure that you have answered truthfully based on how you actually behave, and not the ideal behavior that you would like to have. Only then will you get a proper feedback and will be able to work towards a change for the better.

Attitude Assessment:

Write down how you feel about your right to behave assertively. Look at the various situations and people noted in the situations described in the Assertiveness Inventory. What were getting at here is simply to determine how you feel about whether its even okay, for example, to respond to criticism.
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Behaviour Assessment: This refers to the `Components of behaviour, which are the
key to any assertive act. If you monitor your own behaviour carefully for a time (a week or more) and record your observations regularly in your log, you will have a good idea of your own effectiveness with eye contact, body posture, and the others. It will probably help you if you make it a point to watch some other people whom you consider effectively assertive, and to note in your log some of their behavioural qualities as well.

Obstacle Assessment:

We know that many people want to act assertively. However, there are barriers which seem to make assertion more difficult. Common obstacles: anxiety (fear of the possible consequences), maybe the other person wont like me, or will hit me, or will think I am crazy, or maybe Ill make a fool of myself or maybe Ill fail to get what I want; lack of skills (I dont know how to meet girls, what do I do to express a political opinion? I never learned how to show affection); other people in your life (parents, friends, roommates and others have an interest in making it difficult for you to change, even if they believe they want you to be more assertive). Record in your log those obstacles which you feel are making assertiveness more difficult for you. After you have kept your log or journal for a week, examine carefully the entries: attitudes, behaviors, obstacles. Look for patterns. Assess your particular strengths, and weaknesses. You will find that the results will pinpoint quite specifically what you will need to do to increase your assertiveness. If you work with greater focus on your areas of need, the results will be far better than if you work generally.

Assertion Self-Analysis
To test your assertiveness, there are some typical situations below. Be completely honest with yourself and write down how you would naturally react in each situation.
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1. You are in a restaurant and order a hot soup, but it is served to you not very warm. You would: a. Accept it without comment because you sometimes like it lukewarm anyway. b. Angrily refuse the soup and insist on seeing the manager to complain about the poor service. c. Call the waiter and indicate you ordered your soup hot and would like your soup to be heated to your requirements.
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2. You are a customer waiting in queue to be served in your busy lunch hour. Suddenly, a frail old lady steps in line ahead of you and claims that she is in a hurry. You would: a. Let her stay in front of you since she is already in line and it would be rude to speak out. b. Pull her out of line and, in a loud and angry manner make her go to the back. c. Calmly indicate to her that you are also in a hurry and have queued, then point out where it begins.
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3. After walking out of a store where you purchased some items you discover you were shortchanged by Rs. 5. You would: a. Let it go since you are already out of the store and have no proof you were shortchanged. After all its only Rs. 5. b. Go to the manager and argue that you were cheated by the assistant, then demand the proper change. c. Return to the clerk and inform him/her of the error.
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4. You are in a group discussion at work which includes your boss. A colleague asks you a question about your work, but you don't know the answer. You would: a. Give your colleague a false, but plausible answer so your boss will think you are on top of things. b. Do not answer, but attack your colleague by asking a question you know he/she could not answer. c. Indicate to your colleague you are unsure just now, but offer to give him/her the information later.
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5. You are in the middle of watching your favourite TV program when your partner asks you for a non-urgent favour that could mean missing the rest of the show. You would: a. Do the favour as quickly as possible, then return to the program to finish watching what is left of it. b. Say "No way, Im not missing this. You should have asked me earlier." then finish watching your program. c. Ask if it can wait until the program is over and, if so, do it then.
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6. A friend drops into your office to say hello and catch up on the latest office gossip, but is staying too long, preventing you from finishing an important project. Your friend is unaware that he is interrupting your work. You would: a. Let him stay because you dont want to upset him. Then you would finish your work at home that evening. b. Tell the person to stop bothering you and to get out. c. Explain your need to finish your work and request that he/she visit another time.

SCORE INTERPRETATION KEY

In general, there are three broad styles of interpersonal behaviour. These are: a) Passive, b) Aggressive, and c) Assertive. The "a" choices in the quiz are representative of the Passive style. Thus, the more "a" choices you made, the more passive you are. The "b" choices in the quiz are representative of the Aggressive style. Thus, the more "b" choices you made, the more aggressive you are. The "c" choices in the quiz are representative of the Assertive style. Thus, the more "c" choices you made, the more assertive you are. a) The Passive style of interpersonal behaviour is characterised by inaction and indecision. People using this style tend to be easy to get along with and pleasant, but unwilling to stand up for their rights, for fear of offending others. They are very uncomfortable expressing anger and usually deny or suppress this feeling should it occur. As a result, resentment can easily build under the surface producing stress and tension.
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b) The Aggressive style is characterised by intrusiveness. People who use this style tend to go after what they want, but are unconcerned about how this will affect others. Their angry, dominating manner tends to alienate people who, in time, may seek to oppose them. Aggressive individuals are usually suspicious of others and are often on the look out for infractions or violations of their rights. Thus, the Aggressive style produces stress and prohibits the development of close, trusting, and caring interpersonal relationships. c) The Assertive style is characterised by both fairness and strength. Assertive individuals are able to stand up for their rights, but remain sensitive to the rights of others. People who choose this style are usually relaxed and easygoing, but are honest about their feelings. This is the best style for minimising stress and maintaining long-standing intimate relationships. Assertiveness is one of the essential skills in the modern working environment, and also for good and harmonious relationships at home. There are many benefits of being assertive such as; better time management, increased self-esteem and the ability to negotiate more effectively. Assertion means standing up for what you want. It means expressing opposition. It means confrontation. It takes courage. Some find it harder than others because of their natural easy-going style and therefore more practice is required. However, the aim should not be just to gain a win. The aim should be to solve the problem and get the best result. Look at the "c" answers again. If you move your everyday behaviour closer to the "c" style of response, you will likely experience an increase in feelings of self-esteem and a decrease in feelings of stress.

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If you have been able to imbibe the necessary habits, now see how well you fit into the

Characteristics of an Assertive Person

1. An assertive person always has a calm and controlled voice. 2. He has a relaxed posture. 3. He always maintains direct eye contact. 4. He is happy to be himself. 5. An assertive person has self-esteem. 6. He has respect for others, despite their faults. 7. He is a clear communicator.

BEING ASSERTIVE WILL HELP YOU TO:

Handle difficult situations and people Become more self-confident Understand yourself, your needs and rights Communicate your wants better Have better self-esteem Gain respect of other people Balance your needs with those of others

In a world full of aggressive and passive people, how does one become an assertive person? A few practical hints:

KNOW YOUR RIGHTS

I have a right to be me I have a right to be treated as an equal I have the right to ask for what I want I have the right to an opinion I have the right to disagree I have the right to take decisions I have the right to be wrong I have the right to say "I don't understand"

ASSERTIVE PROBLEM TYPES: (check and see which category you belong
to, and work specifically on overcoming that area of your non-assertiveness): 1. You are timid, shy, scared 2. You have communication difficulties Indirect communication Dishonest or flattering Inappropriate talk 3. You are assertive with selected people 4. You have specific blocks 5. You cannot change habits

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ASSERTIVE DEFICITS:
a) Identify SITUATIONS where you cannot assert yourself. b) Identify PEOPLE with whom you cannot assert yourself. c) Identify your FEARS, eg. rejection, failure. d) Identify the deficits in your BEHAVIOR. For example, your inability to speak clearly and loudly or your difficulty in maintaining eye contact.

Check and see if you keep giving

EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ASSERTIVE:

* * * * * * * * * He/she will become abusive. Saying something may cause more trouble. I don't want to offend someone. They're old/sick/depressed/have work problems. I'll look like a trouble-maker. I don't really have any right. What will the rest of the family say? They depend on me. It won't make any difference anyway.

Handling Arguments and Confrontations

1. Be sure of what you are talking. Know your facts. 2. Know what you want when you start arguing. 3. Tell clearly what you feel and what you want. 4. Listen to the other person with an open mind. 5. Think about what the other person has said. 6. Clarify doubts. 7. State your opinion. 8. Discuss and try to reach a joint solution. 9. Accept your mistakes when they are pointed out. 10. Try not to lose your temper at any point. 11. Argue on situation, do not criticize the person. 12. Don't get into arguments when you know that you cannot convince the other person.

Your Assertiveness training can be divided into three levels as follows:

First level: Opening a conversation, greeting a stranger Looking into the eyes, shaking hands, talking about yourself Speaking loud & clear, gaining attention Second level: To be able to say no To be able to ask for favours To convey completely without hesitation Third level: Handling criticism Maintaining close relationships

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How to Say NO
Is it good to please all people all the time? Is it possible? Can one be happy giving in all the time? Turning the other cheek? Perhaps not. It may actually lead to frustration, giving in to wrong people, developing parasites, and a sense of injustice. You should know whom to say No to and whom not to say including your dearly loved ones.

When you cannot say NO, you have to face consequences such as:
1. You end up doing things that you don't like to do. 2. You lose respect for yourself for doing things that you don't like. 3. Because you waste your time and energy doing things that you don't like, you do not have time and energy for doing things which you like. 4. Others take you for granted. 5. Not being able to say NO produces a lack of communication between you and the other person. 6. It also spoils interpersonal relationships. It is OK to hurt others occasionally by saying NO, when you feel you are doing the right thing by saying so. The other person has the right to ask, and you have the right to refuse. Dont hold a grudge just because he asked. (Such a grudge could be due to jealousy that you cannot make such demands.) Your NO should be firm, clear, and not accompanied by a long explanation. You should not sound very apologetic while you say it, that is more than the situation warrants. Remember you have the right to say NO. TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP Use the "partner" system -- two persons who want to be assertive and who will help each other, compare notes. 1. Ask for change from a shop 2. Look at a number of items and not buy 3. Ask for a glass of water in a restaurant 4. Stop a stranger and ask for direction 5. Ask a personal clarification from your boss 6. Pay a compliment to a person of the opposite gender 7. Talk to an unknown senior colleague in office 8. Confess something personal about yourself SOME MORE RELEVANT EXERCISES: Make a check-list of those to whom you cannot say No List out how they are different (usually it will be manipulation) Retrospect what happened when you did NOT say No Fantasize with partner (or on a paper) what is the worst that can happen Review what the consequences were when you did manage to say No Do you really need the relationship with the manipulative person? GUILT TRAP Emotional blackmailers create feelings of guilt, try to spoil pleasure, play upon our sense of obligation or duty, make us believe we are being selfish or uncaring. They misuse power by blackmail: Emotional -- playing on our feelings Physical -- using physical strength to win Intellectual -- arrogance and put-downs Financial -- controlling money or promising rewards
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A Few More Practical Techniques for Assertiveness that Have Proved Effective
1.

Broken Record

State directly or concisely what you want or need or feel What you are prepared to do, or not to do What you would like the other person to do, or stop doing Continually repeat a one-sentence summary of this message over and over
2.

Fogging

Responding to unwanted criticism by using a reply which implies that there may be a probability that the critic could be right.
3.

Negative Assertion

Responding to criticism by calmly agreeing with the truth or element of truth, without adding a defensive justification that could fuel an argument.
4.

Negative enquiry

Responding to criticism by asking for clarification or directly inviting criticism. Then stop the flow by using fogging or negative assertion.
5.

Scripting

Prepare a concise assertive opening speech and rehearse it so that you sound authoritative and confident.

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Now you can check out

YOUR CONFLICT HANDLING STYLE

Score yourself as follows depending on how often you react in difficult situations: Never=0; Sometimes=1; Often=2; Always=3.

When I am involved in a difference of opinion, or a conflict

1. I find a mid-point between us 2. I smooth things over and avoid the conflict. 3. I get my own way 4. I work with the other person to solve the problem 5. I beat the other person 6. I let the other person have their way 7. I withdraw from argument 8. I find out what the other persons needs are 9. I compromise 10. I dont tell my own point of view but go with the other persons 11. I come up with new ideas or solutions 12. I push for my point of view 13. I give a little and take a little 14. I give in 15. I wait and deal with the conflict another time Transfer your scores to the grid below:
Statement No. My score Statement My score No. Statement My score Statement My score Statement My score No. No. No.

2. 7. 15.
TOTALS Ignoring it

6. 10. 14.
TOTALS Giving in

3. 5. 12.
TOTALS Win/Lose

1. 9. 13.
TOTALS Splitting Difference

4. 8. 11.
TOTALS Cooperation

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Every conflict situation has a win-win alternative, that

comes out of co-operation or collaboration The needs of every individual are different. If we learn to balance our needs with that of others, we can work out a solution where both are happy. Remember the story of the two donkeys who were tied together with a rope, and who found two stacks of hay at opposite ends?* Or the story of the people who were given a lavish dinner, but were told that they had to eat with three-feet long spoons holding them at the end only?** Make the world a happy place for yourself and for others. Ali * Instead of pulling each other to opposite ends, they decided to both eat one stack of hay, and then together walk to the second stack and eat that jointly too! ** Since they could not reach their own mouths holding a three-feet long spoon at the end, they decided to lean across and start feeding each other! As with all Banjaras books, this book deals with very practical aspects of human behavior, and is meant as a guide to help you improve your relationships and the quality of your life. Every suggestion and exercise is based on practical experience and success. Follow the techniques given, and you will slowly be able to transform yourself. Banjara Academy has published over a hundred books on all aspects of human behavior, counselling, family, children, etc. which are available at very low cost. Refer to our website or call up for details.

Banjara Academy
1st Main, 1st Block, RT Nagar, Bangalore 560032 Ph: 23535787 / 23535766
84, RV Road, Adj. Basavanagudi Medical Centre, Bangalore-4 Ph: 26575101

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Assert and be Happy !!

Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive

19/19