Is your partner emotionally abusive?

Part I: Are you being physically abused?

In any successful marriage, you will find that the partners love, care and respect each other.
When you enter into a marital relationship, you expect your emotions to be respected and
nurtured and vice versa.

Most people assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, they're not being
abused. That's not necessarily true. You might be in a relationship that is draining something from
you; you may not even be aware that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

"Although physical abuse is thought to be the most obvious form of abuse, emotional abuse has
the potential to be even more devastating than physical abuse. This is because it is hard to prove
and, thus, difficult to stop," says psychologist Dr Vandana Mathur. Many people find that
emotional abuse is difficult to even talk about, as others seldom take it seriously.

What is emotional abuse?

Abuse is any behaviour that controls and subjugates another person by means of fear,
humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation, etc. "Emotional abuse can include anything
from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like repeated disapproval," says
Dr Mathur.

Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse rests on the premise of power and
control. "It eventually brainwashes the victim. It systematically wears away at the victim's self-
confidence, self-worth and trust in their own perceptions," says Vijay Malhotra (name changed),
28, a software engineer at an IT firm in Delhi, Vijay says he experienced emotional abuse in his
marriage due to his wife's constant criticism and diatribes.

Types of emotional abuse

Rejection: Refusing to acknowledge a person's presence or worth; telling him/ her that he/ she is
useless or inferior; devaluing her/ his thoughts and feelings.

Verbal assaults: Degrading, insulting, ridiculing, belittling, criticising, name calling, screaming,
threatening, behaviour that, over time, erodes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person.

Terrorism: Inducing terror or extreme fear in a person; intimidating; placing or threatening to

send a person to an unfit or dangerous environment.

Isolation: Restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within the person's own
environment.

Unreasonable expectations: Placing unreasonable demands and wanting a person to put

everything else aside to tend to their needs.

Constant chaos: Deliberately starting arguments and being in constant conflict with others. The
person may be 'addicted to drama' since it creates a sense of excitement.
Denial: Denying a person's emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating
him/ her. Also, denying that certain events occurred or that certain things were said by saying, "I
never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. The other person may deny your
perceptions, memory and even question your sanity.

Withholding: Another form of denying. It includes refusing to communicate and emotionally

withdrawing from the other person as punishment; this is also known as the 'silent treatment'.

Domination: Wanting to control your every action. They have to have their own way and will even
resort to threats in order to do so. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose
respect for yourself.

Emotional blackmail: Playing on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, and other 'emotional
buttons' to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, to totally reject
or abandon you, or the use of other fear tactics to control you.

Invalidation: Undermining a person's perceptions of their world. For example, if the recipient tells
the abuser they felt hurt by something he/ she did or said, the abuser might say "You are too
sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you."

Unpredictable responses: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. This is

damaging because it always keeps you on edge. An alcoholic, for example, is likely to act this
way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking.

Irresponsible behaviour: Thinking every chore and duty in the marriage is the
partner's responsibilty. Not assisting in any work relating to the household, family or children.
Adding to the burden by making cutting remarks about how poorly you manage the children/
household.

Cycle of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse often follows a pattern.

In the first phase, there is a build-up of tension and a breakdown in communication.

The second phase involves the actual incident of verbal and emotional abuse.

The third phase involves reconciliation. The abuser apologises, offers excuses, blames the victim,
denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.

Finally, in the fourth phase, there is calm. The incident is 'forgotten' and no abuse is taking place.

Then, after some time, the cycle repeats itself.

Characteristics of emotional abuse

~ Emotional abuse accompanies other forms of abuse, but can also occur on its own.

~ No abuse -- neglect, physical, or financial -- can occur without psychological consequences.

Therefore, all abuse contains elements of emotional abuse.
~ Emotional abuse follows a pattern. It is repeated and sustained. If left unchecked, it only gets
worse.

~ Emotional abuse can severely damage the victim's sense of self-worth and perception.

Repercussions of emotional abuse

"Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation
has long-term negative effects on your self-esteem. It contributes to a perception of uselessness,
worthlessness and self-blame," says Geeta Singh (name changed), 27, a teacher who was a
victim of abuse in her first marriage but was fortunate enough to get out of it.

The one-up position the abuser assumes by judging or demeaning the recipient undermines the
equality and autonomy that is the foundation of healthy adult relationships. This can result in what
is known as 'learned helplessness'.

"By threatening to physically harm a partner, the abuser dominates him/ her and shows that he/
she is more powerful. The partner feels extremely terrorised, vulnerable and powerless within the
relationship. This kind of emotional abuse makes an abused person feel helpless and isolated,"
says Dr Mathur.

"Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about a partner's whereabouts and activities are
examples of controlling behaviours that restrict a partner's independence and freedom," says
Geeta.

"Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences, including severe
depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, isolation from others, increased alcohol or drug use,
emotional instability, sleep disturbances, physical complaints, extreme dependence and feelings
of shame and self-blame," says Dr Mathur.

Eventually, emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating emotional scars that can
be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.

Are you suffering from emotional abuse?

Take a moment to consider these questions. They will help you identify if you are being
emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.

• Do you feel your partner controls your life?

• Do you feel your partner doesn't value your thoughts and feelings?
• Does your partner ever criticise you, humiliate you, threaten/ intimidate you, or undermine
your self-esteem?
• Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of
having affairs?
• Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you're being abused is because he/ she
loves you?
• Does your partner tell you no one else would want you, or that you're lucky he/ she takes
care of you?
• Does your partner use the children against you in arguments or threaten you'll never see
them again if you leave?
• Does your partner blame you for whatever goes wrong?
• Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him/ her?
 • Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping or alcohol usage?
• Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed most of the time?
• Have you lost self-confidence and are unable to make decisions for yourself?
• Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or neighbours?
• Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
• Does your partner refuse to share household and family responsibilities?

What can you do about it

• Realise that emotional abuse is a serious problem, and can be as bad or worse than
physical abuse.
• Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. Take the issue your own safety and the
safety of your children (if any) seriously.
• Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour and that no one ever
deserves to be abused.
• Find people to talk to, who can support you. Consider going for counselling. If possible,
convince your spouse to go as well. Take the help of your near and dear ones.
• Know that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that
dealing with any type of abuse may take time.
• Trust yourself and your own perceptions. Believe in your strengths.
• Remember that you are not alone and help is available.

Getting your self-esteem back on track is a priority. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat
us as we expect to be treated. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, it's
quite possible we treat ourselves the same way.

What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I am no good" or "I never do
anything right" dominate your thought process? Learning to love and care for yourself increases
self-esteem and makes it more likely you will have healthy relationships.

Part I: Are you being physically abused?

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