The Weight of Days To Come

by

Kim Bellard
Copyright Kim Bellard 2011 All Rights Reserved

The Weight of Days To Come Chapter 1

I looked in the bathroom mirror, still bleary from waking up, and I thought my usual morning thought: Christ, life is too long. My reflection in the mirror was the same man Id been looking at for decades. Chronologically I was fifty-five, but I didnt really feel that old. It was hard to accurately remember, but I didnt think I felt much different than the twenty-five year old me that used to stare back at me. Sure, I had a few more aches and pains, maybe a few wrinkles, but my hair was still there, and not graying enough so that anyone would notice. Because I woke up early and worked out several times a week, I was probably actually in better shape than, say, the thirty-five year old version of me. So I didnt really have much to complain about. I was not a particularly morbid person. I didnt have any terminal illness that I knew of, or even any chronic health issues to complain about. My doctor always told me to keep up the good work at my annual check-ups, and when I looked at his other patients in the waiting room I did feel mildly virtuous. My parents were aging but, for being in their eighties, still in fairly good health, although they did have an impressive pill collection in the kitchen and the occasional trip to the ER or minor procedure. My wife was uberhealthy, and made my efforts look lame by comparison. People thought of me or, at least, I thought of myself as a cheerful person. I talked all day to people, and usually enjoyed it. Indeed, my livelihood depended on knowing lots of people and having those people like and trust me. So if I were a gloomy guy Id be in big trouble. And yet at an increasing number of moments of reflection, I found myself feeling I was ready for my life to be over. I used to fear my doctor looking at me with a sympathetic expression during one of those annual visits and telling me we had to talk. Lately, though, it wasnt so clear if it was fear or anticipation, stupidly hoping Id hear that my body had pulled the plug somehow 2

The Weight of Days To Come and would be calling it quits. So far, Id always walked out of his office with a generally clean bill of health, and the small sense of disappointment I felt was something I never dared admit to anyone. I certainly couldnt have explained it to them. My face was wet from the water Id splashed on it to help me wake up. It was a little earlier than I normally got up, but my wife Karen had a business trip and was leaving early, so I wanted to get up before she left. Shed actually gotten up an hour earlier to do her workout; even when she had flights at the most ungodly hour she made sure she got her workout done. She usually used a treadmill or the step machine, complemented by weights and some yoga on alternating days. Karen was a year older than me but was the most determined person Id ever met when it came down to slowing the effects of aging. And shed done a tremendous job. No one would have guessed she was fifty-six. She was a beautiful woman, her skin still soft and flawless. She colored her hair, of course, and periodically varied the tint, length and cut to stay in style. Right now it was of moderate length, but it has been as long as her shoulders and as short as a pixie cut over the years weve been together. Whenever she went to her stylist I wondered what it would look like when she came home. It wasnt usually radically different, mind you; she said her goal wasnt to attract attention to her hair, but to make sure her hair didnt define her, and especially not to date her. Frankly, it was a little kinky to have these variations, like having a different version of the same beautiful woman come home to me. I was pretty sure Id seen some science fiction show with that same premise, although those women were probably androids or robots and Karen was 100% human. How you doing in there? Karen asked, leaning on the doorway to my bathroom. She held out a coffee cup towards me with an amused smile, and I wondered what shed think if I told her what Id been thinking. It would be too hard to explain, I decided once again, and smiled at her. Karen put the O in optimist, and looked on each day as an adventure; the thought of death probably never crossed her mind, at least not for herself. Id started the coffee machine when I got up, and had been looking forward to some coffee while I performed my morning absolutions. I wiped my face and accepted the cup

The Weight of Days To Come gratefully, taking a long sip. I could feel the caffeine hitting my system, pricking me further awake. I didnt have any particular reason to be wishing for death. Its not that I longed for death, not really. I had plenty to live for, including this beautiful woman. It was more, I didnt know -- I could see the years ahead, and I didnt like what I saw. Take my parents. I saw how my parents were no longer the people they used to be, just frailer, shrunken versions of them, practically waiting for the next attack, the next setback. They looked better than most of their peers, but certainly not than most of my peers. When I was with them I often forgot how much theyd aged; it wasnt until I looked at old pictures of them, pictures of them young and vibrant, that I realized how much theyd lost over the years. It made me wonder how much they realized it, or if the gradual diminution caused a curious blindness about what had been lost. And that made me wonder how much of a similar blindness Id already suffered as well. It wasnt just my parents. Look at pictures of famous people from thirty years ago who were startlingly not as attractive now; Sophia Loren still looked good, but only a fool would take that version over her in her prime. I just didnt want to go through all that. Sure, most of those people still claimed to be happy, but I had to wonder. Aging caused us all to slide down the hill, with some peoples fall more precipitous than others, but it was always downhill and it always ended up at the bottom. Dying young was the only way to avoid it. Werent we all glad we could remember JFK and Marilyn Monroe as they were instead of seeing them totter out wrinkled and feeble? It always cracks me up how you wash your face here when youre just going to get wet in the pool anyway, Karen observed, her arms crossed over her chest. She was already dressed for her trip, in a very professional pants suit that still managed to make her look feminine and, if I may say so, sexy. Her low heels made her almost as tall as me, and I

The Weight of Days To Come was six feet. She was pleasantly slim but not too thin, her years of exercising and watching what she ate still winning the battle, and with enough curves to keep things interesting. The thing that distinguished Karen the most was not her physique, not her almost modelpretty face with her bright blue eyes, but rather the palpable sense of energy she radiated. It was like the room vibrated with energy, like she was a little generator humming away, recharging everyone in the room. Id seen her completely change the mood of a dinner party or a business meeting, and that made it fun to go out places with her. Still, I had to admit it was a little harder to take at six in the morning. I was not much of a morning person, but Id had to get used to getting up early since we first moved in together. Even after all these years, I always felt like she was trying to jump-start me while my body wanted to warm up at its own easy pace. It wasnt anything I would really complain about, not to her face anyway, so I just took another jolt of the coffee. Either I was good at hiding my mood, or it was just something she couldnt recognize, like cats cant see some colors. Karen inquired if I was about ready, letting me know without saying a word that she was. Standing still this long was hard for her, especially when she was ready to leave on a trip. I told her Id be out in a minute, and she left to finish her preparations. I was convinced that separate bathrooms are the key to a successful marriage. Well, maybe not the key, but at least a prerequisite. My first marriage had us enclosed in a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment, and it blew up after less than five years. I believed the bathroom situation had as much to do with it as did our relative immaturity, since we were both in our mid-twenties at the time. After I quickly brushed my teeth, I padded to the bedroom, only to find Karen had already moved on to the dining room. I put on a pair of swim trunks and some sweatpants over them, pulled on a t-shirt, slipped on some slides, and grabbed my gym bag. I found Karen sitting at the dinner table, tapping away at her iPhone. Her suitcase

The Weight of Days To Come and computer bag/briefcase both of them sturdily expensive and aimed for the million mile travelers -- were already neatly set up and ready to go. She looked up at me when I came into the room. Well, OK, then, she said briskly, stowing the iPhone in her purse. She stood up and gave me a quick kiss, aiming at my cheek instead of my lips. Anything big going on today? she asked. I wondered why the question hadnt come up last night, and realized she didnt have any expectations about any radical changes in my routine. She knew Id be here or around here, plugging away at the usual. My dealer is coming by around three with some coke and some hookers, I told her with a straight face. Yeah, sure, she replied with a flash of a smile. Youll have to call someone else to bail you out if it comes to that. Ill keep that in mind. I nodded towards her luggage. Here, Ill help you get these out to the car, I offered gallantly. She rolled her eyes and smiled tolerantly. Im going to be lugging these around for the next five days. I think I can manage to get to the car all right. Nonetheless, I retorted. I picked up the computer case and the suitcase, trying not to let her see how heavy it felt to me. She pursed her lips tolerantly and led me out to her car, where I dutifully put her luggage in the trunk. So youll be back Friday night? I confirmed, not quite ready to have her go. Karen flashed a quick smile. If everything goes well. She shook her head. You know the airlines these days. Everythings a crap shoot. Well, then, I hope everything goes well, I replied lamely, not quite ready to have her go. Well talk before then?

The Weight of Days To Come She nodded. Talk, text, email, she agreed, pointing out our various technology options. You know how to get in touch with me. Any sexting? I asked hopefully, not really meaning it. She knew it and gave me a stern look. Knock yourself out, she replied. Can I show my friends? I kinda saw it the other way around, I pouted. She patted me on the arm. Ill bet you did, stud. She allowed a satisfied smile. Maybe if I get really lonely She looked down expectantly at her bags, ready to go, and suddenly the thought of her getting lonely enough to send me a naked picture didnt seem anything I should hold my breath for. I mentally sighed and resigned myself to her departure. The truth was, in the early years of our marriage Id have taken her to the airport, and picked her up when she returned. I would have known every step of her itinerary, and probably would have arranged for flowers or a bottle of wine or some other surprise to be delivered at some point of her trip. Maybe slipped a card into her suitcase so shed have a reason to think of me when she got to where she was going. But after almost fifteen years of marriage and her being away almost two hundred nights a year, Id grown out of that kind of attentiveness. Maybe thats why she thought it odd that Id insisted on bringing her bags out to the car. It served more to highlight the smallness of the gesture than to be touching in itself. She had the traveling down to a science, knowing how to roll with the punches, how to maximize her time, where to find the best meals, how to deal with TSA and the airlines. I had her being away almost down to a science too, in some ways more comfortable being home by myself than I was when she was around. I had my own routines, my own ways of spending the days, and when she was home I sometimes felt neither of us knew quite what to do with the other. Well, then, I said awkwardly. Remember late afternoon today wont be a great time to talk, what with the coke party and all. This time her smile seemed more embarrassed than amused. It was kind of a lame joke, I had to admit. I stepped forward and gave her a hug. I could feel her initially stiffen with surprise, before relaxing and hugging me

The Weight of Days To Come back. We held that for a couple seconds and broke away as guiltily as a couple of young lovers caught by a security guard. Or maybe it was more like a couple of neighbors acting frisky at a party before realizing theyd crossed some line. It was still early morning and Karen looked wide-awake and raring to go. I imagined that shed draw looks when she walked through the airport, that men on the plane would be happy to have her sit next to them, and that shed have offers of free drinks in any bar she wandered into on her trip. I tried not to think about such things, but it was hard to banish those insecure thoughts entirely. She was a very attractive woman. In the right light, and at the right distance, she could pass for late thirties, or early forties at the worst. All those workouts, scrupulous attention to what she ate, and her careful skin care had garnered that. Nonetheless, we each carried ten or so pounds that we hadnt had when wed gotten married, pounds that neither one of us were likely to shed. Her neck might not look like it was fifty-six, but it was not the neck of a thirty year old woman either. Nor were her hands aging quite at the same speed as her arms, for example. I thought she looked great in a swimsuit, and in nothing at all, but even Id feel uncomfortable if she wore a bikini to the beach, Helen Mirren notwithstanding. Father Time marches on, and our years of marriage had given him plenty of time to get a good walk in. We werent exactly youngsters when we got married and I knew I looked back fondly at how young I must have been then. I wondered what flaws of mine were more evident to her these days too, physical and otherwise, and I hoped she still loved me the same nonetheless. Ill miss you, I told her, feeling certain there was some truth in that statement, somewhere. Miss you too, love, she replied briskly, her eyes bright but her mind already moving away. She got in the car and pulled out of the garage. I stood and watched her until her car turned out of our subdivisions courtyard, wondering if either of us had meant what wed just said.

The Weight of Days To Come Chapter 2 By eight oclock I was back at the house, at my desk in my home office and ready to get to work. Id swum for forty-five minutes, then had come home and gotten cleaned up. I felt fresh and invigorated. After my nice, long shower Id put on a fresh t-shirt, sweatpants and a pair of sandals. Working from home had certain advantages. I was a matchmaker. At least, thats what Karen liked to kid me. I was what is known as an executive recruiter. Companies hired me to find people for their jobs. I tended to specialize in the pharmaceutical and biotech industry, which was pretty much a function of where I knew the most people. Usually I only got hired for C-level jobs CEO, CFO, CMO, and so on. Executives, almost never anything lower than a Vice President title. Ideally I got a percentage of the salary as payment, anywhere from twenty percent to a third, but as salaries got up closer to seven figures the fee tended to get negotiated as a flat fee. Any way you cut it, though, when I placed someone, it was fairly lucrative, and that explained why I didnt handle lower level jobs. I ended up in the field by happenstance, as was often the case with careers. I worked in Human Resources for a couple big pharma companies for about fifteen years, and in the last few years of that I was involved in recruiting. I worked with executive recruiters, hiring them to help me find external candidates, and along the way got fairly friendly with several of them. When it looked like the company I was working for was going to get gobbled up in an acquisition which it ultimately did one of the recruiters casually asked me if Id be interested in working with him. I liked the guy, I saw the writing on the wall about my company, so I took a chance, and found I not only enjoyed recruited but also was good at it. The pharmaceutical industry had a lot of turnover, and the companies I had worked for were always losing talented people and hiring others, so Id ended up knowing a lot of people scattered around the industry. Best of all, I knew a lot of people who were starting to rise to fairly senior positions in their company, and I was able to convince a few of them to start using my services. After five years with the firm I went into business on my own.

The Weight of Days To Come

Karen had a lot to do with that. Shed been a candidate for a big sales job at a client of mine. Id gotten her contact information from a source of mine, but it had taken the better part of nine months to recruit her. Shed played coy about her willingness to change jobs, but it didnt take much in the way of psychic ability to tell she was ambitious. And she kept listening, so Id figured she was either interested in a job or as I allowed myself to fantasize -- in me, and either was all right with me. We developed a nice banter as Id called her every couple of weeks, getting to know each other better and getting more comfortable with each other. I could tell she was smart and funny, and shed flirted just enough to make me think there was a slight possibility she might be interested in me as a man, not just as a job source. Shed finally agreed to an in-person meet, at the Admirals Club at OHare, and that was all it took. Id seen her picture, but as nice as she looked in those, they couldnt capture her special vitality. That had been it for me; I was hooked. Karen did end up taking that job with a nice bump in pay, some guarantees about commissions in the first two years -- and a relocation to the Research Triangle. I kept in touch, and she was friendlier than she had any reason to be. Somehow I ended up finding a reason to fly into Raleigh a few weeks after shed moved there, and she took me out to dinner. Long story short, two months later I quit my job, moved to Cary, and started both my own firm and getting serious with Karen. It was something Id never done before, and for a long time I felt bad about getting involved with a candidate Id placed. But mostly Id figured the means justified the ends, and it had worked out pretty well for my career too. I booted up my computer. Once upon a time, recruiting was a paper, telephone, and airplane business. The size of ones Rolodex was essential, and it was tough to keep tabs on what potential candidates were up to. They would change jobs and it could take months to find out that theyd moved, much less getting their new contact info. The phone bills were horrific. Nowadays, its all through the computer. Most people I kept

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The Weight of Days To Come tabs on were on Linkedin and/or Facebook, and my database was fully integrated with those as well as with my smartphone. I could call from my computer, with videoconferencing if needed, and bounce incoming calls to or from my mobile if I didnt feel like being near my computer. The flip side of that, of course, was that it was easier for everyone to keep tabs on everyone else as well. Clients could do their own searches for likely candidates, plus all the various job sites made it easy for candidates to find jobs without an intermediary. It was getting tougher and tougher to get assignments, especially exclusive searches. To make things worse, many of my best customers were themselves getting to the age where they were retiring, leaving the hiring decisions in the hands of people I might not know as well or not know at all. It was tough all around. Lately Id found myself thinking more about retiring myself, especially at the beginning of the day when I was first trying to get going. Once I actually started working, I usually fell into my rhythms, but getting going each day seemed to be getting harder. Stalling, I pulled up a spreadsheet with my financial accounts on it, and played around with some of the projections. I debated anew about how long I might live, what kinds of returns I could expect, and what assumptions I should make about Karens future income. I was pretty sure I couldnt afford to retire without her assets and income, and I wasnt too sure how she would react if I told her I was thinking about retiring. I wasnt sure she would ever retire. Or, if she did, shed probably do something like running a non-profit or consulting. I was pretty certain she wouldnt end up sitting around the house, tending a garden and playing tennis at the club. Me, on the other hand Of course, financing retirement would cease to be a worry if I were dead. Karen could have my assets; she probably didnt think much about them in whatever retirement planning she might be doing, but theyd help make her life a little easier. We pretty much kept our financial affairs separate, with some long-ago agreement about who was responsible for which shared expenses. We made more money than we spent, by a good

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The Weight of Days To Come margin, so saving money wasnt an issue and hadnt been for some time. Id watched with dismay as my investments plunged during the recent recession, but I was back to feeling all right about them. I tended to be a fairly conservative, long-term investor, so Id been able to ride out the market fluctuations, but I got nervous when I thought about the days when there would be no new money coming in and I started to take money out. What if I lived to be a hundred? It wasnt impossible, not with my familys genes and modern medicine. Id had an aunt go through all of her assets, living her final years on Medicaid in a nursing home, and everything about that was pretty grim. Id hated seeing her slowly dwindle away, hated going there and seeing other residents even worse off, hated the thought of being broke. She had finally died, of pneumonia, and I sometimes wondered if shed ever wished shed arranged for a quicker demise before things got to that sorry state, before she became a ward of nursing home employees to whom she was just another failed body they were warehousing. Maybe thats unfair to them, since some of them actually seemed quite nice to the residents, but at the end of the day it was an institution and the only place she was going from there was the cemetery, and everyone knew it Thats the thing of it; you never knew how bad things were going to get, or how long theyll go on, but you knew how it was going to end. The only way you could control it was to make your own end. That is, unless Fate did you a favor and took care of things for you early, which was the plan I was gravitating towards. I made myself place a call, using a call list Id worked on the prior evening. Ive found it better to have a definite plan for my cold calls, as Id never gotten to feeling comfortable with them, especially since sending emails was so much easier. I couldnt do my job without email, but, still, nothing beat actually talking to people. Responses from emails were often less than satisfactory, especially when looking for new business, since it was tougher for people to say no on a call than it was via email. If you can get to see a prospect in person, better yet.

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The Weight of Days To Come The people I dealt with were all very busy. They tended to be in meetings a lot, so the best times to try to get them were first thing in the morning or late in the afternoon. I tried not to call them on their cell phones or at home, unless I was actively working on a search with them, but that meant dealing with the assistants who saw it as their job to filter people like me from their boss. Hello, Bridget, I said, reviewing my database. How is your day going? Bridget worked for the CIO I knew; Id placed him a few years back and had done jobs for him since. It had been six months since he and I had chatted, so I wanted to check in. My database had details not just on when I last talked to him and what we talked about, but also what his assistant and I had talked about. I liked to think Bridgets voice perked up some in friendly recognition when I said hello. Hey, Marc, how are you? she replied. My day is going great, thanks for asking. We chatted for a couple minutes, me trying to pretend I was in no hurry. I asked about her dogs and her kids, in that order, and she gave me a quick recap, the details of which I scribbled notes about so that I could input into the database after I got off the phone. She sounded a lot more excited about the exploits of her dogs, which she exhibited in shows. Finally I decided it had been a decent interval. Is Hank around? Bridget paused for a second, although I was sure she knew exactly where he was and where he was scheduled to be at any given time the rest of the week. She had to wonder was I calling to try to recruit him away, which could potentially be bad for her, or was I looking for business from him? She didnt come right out and say so, of course, but Id had this conversation a few thousand times and I knew how it was. I could almost predict her response. You just missed him, she said, managing to sound sorry about it. You want me to tell him you called? Nah, Ill just shoot him an email, I suggested. Some people I contact have their assistants read their emails for them, which defeated this tactic, but I knew Hank was religious about his Blackberry and would eventually see my email. Bridget knew it too,

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The Weight of Days To Come and rather than letting him set up a time to talk on his own she conceded gracefully. You know, hell have a few minutes around five thirty this afternoon. Want me to put you down? I accepted, having won this small victory, and we quickly wrapped up the details of who was going to call whom on what number. I hung up the phone feeling good about the call. I didnt have a job for Hank, but I was hoping hed have something for me to recruit for. Failing that, we could gossip. Gossip was the currency of what I did who was going where, whose star was rising and whose was falling, which companies were reorganizing. All of those helped me find my next contract or my next candidates. After I hung up the phone and decided to take a break from making calls, I started listening to a playlist on my computer. Over the years Id accumulated a lot of music, on various media originally 45s and albums, then cassettes, and finally CDs, but by now most of them had been converted to digital. I stored them on my Google cloud, so I could play them from my computer or my phone. Karen was keen that I not keep the physical versions as well, so except for a few treasured old albums for which I no longer even had a mechanism to play I had to get rid of the source once I uploaded the music. It had been hard to do, as there were lots of memories associated with not just the music itself but also to the physical object Id come to know it from. They were, in my mind, almost one and the same, helping to place me in time to when Id first listened to those particular songs, as well as the person Id mostly listened to them with. Karen was not much for hoarding things, though, so when we moved in together she had effectively campaigned to dispose of them. I had to admit that it was very convenient to have access to all my music with a few keystrokes, and to be able to group any particular combination of songs together in a playlist. Still, on occasion I wished Id hung on to more of the originals, something I could hold and look at. Memory is a funny thing and tactile reminders do add details that otherwise can be lost to time. The liner notes, the cover art, the order of songs; these were details

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The Weight of Days To Come lost to randomly shuffled digital songs. Call me old-fashioned, but I thought something was lost there. This morning I was listening to some lively music from the 1970s. Guess Who was playing; now, there was an undeservedly forgotten group, like Blood, Sweat and Tears or Three Dog Night. I had to admit that the music I listened to most frequently tended to come from the 1960s or 1970s, with some from the 1980s and very little from later than that. I didnt know if the music changed, or if I had. I mean, it was easy to like the Beatles, Elton John or The Rolling Stones; nowadays even young people knew of them and listened to them. Lately I read about artists like Adele or Lady Gaga, and felt bad about listeners whod never heard, say, Linda Ronstadt in her prime. Artists like Dan Fogelberg, Jim Croce, or Harry Chapin all of whom died much too young had great, great hits that were more generational, and I felt in some obscure way that my listening to them and other artists of my youth was a small way of keeping the music alive. The thought had occurred to me that what I was trying to keep alive was my youth, which was a lost cause. Karen was very much the opposite. She didnt seem too sentimental about the music from her formative years. She tended to keep current. She listened to people like Jason Mraz, Ryan Adams, Jack Johnson, even Jay-Z those were a few I remembered the names of, from recurring exposure, but she was constantly following new artists and trying to convince me to get with the times. I always thought, but never dared to tell her, that she was consciously or unconsciously trying to keep young by discarding music from earlier days like a snake sheds its skin. My skin was thinner, or thicker, but in any case it didnt shed easily; it grew older and more calloused as time went by. I reviewed my notes and updated my database, as well as marking my calendar for the afternoon call. Then I noticed what Id drawn on my notepad. I had this habit of doodling while I take notes. Ive done it since, oh, third grade or so. Sometimes the doodle was very sketchy, nothing decipherable, but sometimes they ended up being very elaborate, even taking up a full page; it was largely a function of how long I was taking

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The Weight of Days To Come notes, or how distracted I was when I took them. This sketch was of Bridget how I imagined her to look, anyway, since Id never actually seen or met her having her dogs jump over a pile of what looked, upon first glance, like logs. Upon closer inspection, though, the faces of small children could be seen desperately staring out. Bridgets children were in their twenties, so the children in the drawing werent literally intended to be them, but I supposed it implied I suspected she had ignored her children for her dogs while they were growing up. Escher would have smiled at the kids-as-logs trick, although not so much my technique. It was kind of creepy; I hoped Bridget never saw this picture. Sometimes Karen wanted to look at my doodles, which always made me very uncomfortable. I wasnt sure if they revealed more about me or the people pictured in them. I wasnt sure if she realized I not only often kept them, but also still had plenty of ones I did during the conversations with her while I was recruiting her. Some of them were, well, I had a little crush on her long before we actually got involved, so one can imagine. Dont get me wrong: I was no great artist. I could never earn a living as a cartoonist or even as one of those people who drew caricatures at festivals. I just enjoyed it. I liked starting with a small nugget of a thought, then building upon it with more detail, more shading, adding new shapes and people. You might not be able to recognize the subjects face, but youd know it was a person and have a pretty good idea of what was happening in the drawing. I enjoyed doing it and found it relaxing. It was kind of an art to switch back and forth between actually taking notes and doodling without losing the thread of either, and I liked to think that this was, ironically, my best talent. The few times Id tried to just sit down and sketch something had proved to be disappointing. It seemed too pretentious or stilted, like I was taking it way too seriously. Better to do it unconsciously and see what shows up on the page. So I had a few hundred of them by now, from over the years. When I thought of it I tried to date them, so in the future Id have some idea of when they were done and maybe spur

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The Weight of Days To Come a memory of what had been going on when Id drawn them. They took up a few folders in my office, and if I got really bored during the day I might leaf through them. I didnt know why I kept them. I didnt always keep every one. Sometimes the doodles never developed into anything, and sometimes they were on a dirty napkin or something that Id rather just pitch. But more often than one might think I did put them aside in my collection. It was sort of atypical. Id never kept many letters even in the days people sent letters, and had long ago scanned and pitched whatever old photos Id accumulated. Once I typed up my notes, I didnt keep them either, except for whatever doodle might be on one or more of the pages. Mementos from old girlfriends hadnt survived the move-in with Karen, of course, and neither of us was big on adding more memorabilia around the house. So this collection of stupid doodles, going back to probably college or even high school days, was out of character, and something I felt curiously guilty about, like a stash of old Playboys or something. I didnt exactly hide them, mind you, but either Karen had never found my collection or had, for her own reasons, chosen never to question me about them. My doodle collection was like a lot of the memorabilia of my life. Even though I tried to discard things, the physical things slowly accumulated, like silt against a dam. I was a moderate reader, and periodically purged my books by donating them to the local library, but my study was stuffed with the books I couldnt bear to part with. As Id said, my physical music collection was mostly gone, but those few albums took up more space in my study. Every so often a candidate or a client would send me a nice letter or a small gift that I felt sentimental enough to keep around. So my desk, bookshelves, and other flat surfaces in my study were fairly crowded with memories made solid, and that didnt even consider the couple of boxes in the basement I hadnt looked through in years but couldnt get myself to throw away. Moving often helps people slim their processions down, but wed been too long in Cary and Id been inefficient about culling things down. Live long enough, and one could see how a house could end up like one of those episodes of Hoarders.

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The Weight of Days To Come

I spent the rest of the morning catching up on various things. I had a website for my business you really had to these days, clients and candidates didnt take you seriously otherwise and people could upload their resumes on it. I had someone build the thing, of course, and they hosted and maintained it for a small monthly fee, but I could do simple things like updating content or downloading resumes. I posted updates on it as well, which also showed up on Linkedin, Twitter, and Facebook. I kept these pretty simple industry news, a little about assignments I was working on, kinds of candidates I was looking for, trips I was on or had planned, and whatever else struck my fancy. Even though the cool thing these days seemed to be to talk about stuff from your personal life, I was too old school. My personal life was my personal life, and my business life was my business life. The fact that I married someone I met through recruiting, or that a number of people I considered friends were people Id placed, well, that was just life over a long enough period of time. You accumulated people too. Anyway, I looked over the resumes that had been uploaded, and updated my database. One or two of them were interesting enough that I sent off emails suggesting we chat on the phone. Then I took on my email. Id checked it on my smartphone before and after my swimming expedition, just to see if anything looked critical, which nothing had. Now I went to work going through the rest. I had several thousand contacts in my database, and every day some of them contacted me to let me know they were interested in a change, had changed jobs, whatever. I didnt get a lot of hey, how are you doing, whats new in your life? kinds of emails. Its a very symbiotic relationship; my contacts and I used each other for our respective careers, with both sides OK with that. Some of my contacts I liked more than others, with a very few of them considered friends. The ones I didnt like, maybe they didnt hear about jobs as often as others, maybe I shaded how I described them to clients, but if something came along that they were best suited for, I wasnt going to let my personal feelings get in the way of a payday. After all, I only got paid when someone I deliver gets hired.

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The Weight of Days To Come So, again, I went through the emails, updating my database with any interesting information, replying to a couple who might be fits for assignments I was working on, shooting quick notes back to a few more who seemed anxious to get a response. Not hard work, and it beat digging ditches, but it was laborious and was a little like swimming upstream, because the emails never stopped coming in, None of the emails were from anyone who had an assignment for me. At the moment, I had three open jobs, which I felt pretty good about. It was pretty unusual when I didnt have any project going on, but it had happened, and it was always scary. In my job like mine, there was never a guarantee there will be another job, so part of every day was hustling on getting a new assignment. One assignment was in the final stages; the client was making a decision between a candidate Id put forward, a candidate from another recruiter, and an internal candidate. I wasnt feeling good about my chances. I hadnt been happy when Id first heard I wasnt going to have an exclusive, but it was for enough money that I ignored my misgivings. Now I just hoped I had the best candidate, but I had the feeling they were going to go with the internal candidate, so both me and my competitor would get screwed. A second assignment was in the search mode. I was having a tough time coming up with good candidates for it. It required some very specific experience in recombinant DNA technology. I knew people in that field, but none with quite the right background for this position. Id given my client a couple of candidates with as close to the right background as I could get, but I had the definite sense he was not enthused about any of them. So Id put the word out to a few of my contacts, and was hoping one my emails would be someone with the name of a great candidate. If I didnt produce some better candidates in the next week, my client was likely to waive my exclusivity. The third assignment Id just gotten a couple days ago. It was for an old friend, and was for a job that was in the low six figures, so wouldnt be a huge payday. But I had an

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The Weight of Days To Come exclusive and thought I knew several possible candidates. I had to finish writing up the job profile and get it out to people soon. But that could wait. It had been a good mornings work. I decided to take a break and go out to lunch.

Chapter 3 I went to one of the local malls for lunch. Weve got a couple nice malls around, and I was willing to drive a few extra miles some days just for a change of pace. I passed lots of restaurants and fast food places on the way to the malls. Not that I didnt frequent those at times too, but I wasnt in a particular hurry and I felt like going someplace where there would be a lot of people walking around. The morning had been pretty quiet in terms of phone calls, so the mall crowd seemed like a more social setting than a standalone restaurant. I didnt much care about the quality of the food. Karen often teased me that I was just as happy with a cheap burger and fries as I was with an expensive steak, and she was probably right. Karen liked to cook, when she had time, and enjoyed going out to nice restaurants, especially when her company was picking up the tabs. I didnt mind going out to restaurants with her, but it was kind of a waste when I was alone. In the early days of our courtship and marriage we did a lot of both going out and her cooking big meals for us, but that had sort of petered out. Food was pretty much just fuel to me, and fortunately my genetics and lifestyle hadnt penalized me too much for my dietary habits yet. The swimming probably helped too. The mall wasnt very busy, which tended to be the case during the week, at least when school was in session. Theres a definite cycle to the density, and characteristics, of the malls population. Around Christmas, of course, it was packed, full of shoppers hoping to find the right thing and secretly hoping someone is out finding them the things they want. Its people of all ages, families and solo shoppers, a real cross-section. Its often crowded enough that I tended to avoid eating there for lunch; the search for parking and

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The Weight of Days To Come for an open table could be too frustrating. But I liked the spirit, the sense of hope and anticipation that people have then that they didnt have most of the rest of the year. In the late spring and all summer the malls were invaded by kids junior high, high school, college kids. Theyre not there to shop, not really; its all about meeting up with their peers. I felt like an old geezer, unwanted and invisible, when surrounded by them. To be honest, the girls wore such skimpy outfits that I felt like a lecher even if I tried to ignore them. The shorts were too short, the tops were cut too low; they enjoyed their young skin and proudly wanted to show it off, except theyd be creeped out if someone noticed a man my age watching them. I couldnt entirely ignore them, of course, but I tried to be very discrete about it at least. After Christmas, the malls were dead until around March. The old couples and the young mothers desperate to get their pre-school kids out of the house were the big populations, and one could bowl down the halls without too much risk. From the standpoint of short lines at the food court or easy parking spaces, it was a great time to go, but the sheer emptiness of the place depressed me. So spring and fall ended up being my favorite times at the mall: populous enough for good people watching, but not so busy that I felt crowded or out of place. Since it was fall, on this trip there were plenty of people sitting in the food court, and more wandering around shopping. I always tried to mix up where I had lunch which restaurant, which mall, which eatery within a malls food court -- just as I tried to vary what I ordered wherever I went. Itd be easy to fall into habits, getting the same thing at the same places. Even at that, I supposed a few places considered me a regular, and I didnt mind chatting with the workers and remembering their names. I was happy to be friendly, without needing to be friends. I decided to get some Chinese food two entrees, heavy on the rice, diet soda, all for under ten dollars. There was a young woman standing not quite in line when I got there. She had a toddler in a stroller and another kid standing impatiently with her, holding her

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The Weight of Days To Come hand. She was trying to describe for him what the options where. She looked at me apologetically as I walked up. Go ahead, she told me. This could take a while. I was raised differently. I held open doors, I waited to get in elevators until everyone else has gotten on, and I most assuredly did not cut in front of a woman with her two children. No hurry, I assured her. After you. It was a good thing I didnt have a fixed lunch schedule, because it took a good five minutes or so for them to negotiate a mutually acceptable choice. I smiled encouragingly when she looked back at me apologetically. When shed gotten her order and started to walk away, balancing her tray unevenly, she thanked me, and I told her it was no problem. I almost offered to help her with the tray. I wouldnt have minded, and she could use the help, but I was afraid she might think I was being too forward, so I just turned my attention back to my own order. It always surprised me how little civility there is in the world. People walked through those doors I held not only without a thank you but also without even an acknowledging glance. People I allowed to get on in front of me closed the elevator doors before I could get on. I counted it as a small victory for humanity that this overburdened mother still took a moment to express her appreciation for not delaying her. I found a table with prime viewing position in the middle of the food court. The Chinese food wasnt great, but Id had worse. I hated to admit it, but I was always skeptical of Chinese places that didnt have many people who didnt appear at least vaguely Asian working there. This place had a middle aged Asian man working the cash register and another working the stove, but the two other helpers were young kids who were decidedly not of Asian origin. I wondered if either of the two Asians spoke in Chinese, or whatever their native language was, behind the other twos backs, and thought it equally likely that the two natives communicated in ways that excluded the two Asians. Hell, for all I knew, they all were locals, and viewed me skeptically as a Northern transplant. In any event, the man at the register recognized me but took my money

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The Weight of Days To Come without any chitchat or a second glance. He looked like hed been working in the industry his whole life -- seven days a week, every day of the year except Christmas and Thanksgiving, and he was probably pissed the mall was closed those days. If he recognized me, he didnt show it. I was always fascinated to see what other kinds of people were here during what is normally a business day. The retirees were fairly easy to spot, as were the mall stores employees, the latter by their generally nicer clothes except for maybe Hollister employees -- and their nametags. Then there were the young mothers with their infants and toddlers, eager for any outing that got them out of the house. I wondered at how desperate their lives were in their houses to make it worthwhile to load up the strollers, backpacks, sippy cups, and stuffed animals, get everything into the car, unload everything again once at the mall, and drag the kids into the mall, only to have to repeat the process in reverse to go home. It appeared to me that it was inevitable for each parent that, at some point in the excursion, their child would act out in some way cry, pout, try to break away, refuse to eat, or some other bad behavior. I expected that those children would be doing similar behaviors in their homes as well, but in the safely of ones own home one could always scream back at the offending child, sentence him or her to a time out, or even smack them. Id certainly been smacked as a child, and Lord knows Id deserved it, but these days that kind of physical punishment was frowned upon. Try it in public and you might be trying to explain it to a stern police officer. So I thought these young mothers were extremely brave. Some of them were pretty cute too, and Id have to admit that watching attractive women was a nice benefit of going to the malls. It didnt have to be mothers, of course. There were plenty of businesswomen and salesgirls on their lunch break to watch as well. I wasnt biased; they could be as old as me or as young as college-aged, they could be any race or ethnic background, they could be smartly dressed or ultra-casual. I prided myself on being a connoisseur of feminine beauty, able to distinguish beauty from mere attractiveness and that from those desperately seeking attention, all without any personal

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The Weight of Days To Come stake in the outcome. I wasnt looking to try to pick any of them up, after all; I was happily married, to my own beautiful wife. That didnt mean I couldnt look. Still, it bothered me that none of them looked back. There was a time when I might have expected at least some of them to notice me, or might have to make them notice me, but those days were gone now. One of the ironies about getting older was that you can look at women more openly yet have much less chance of being noticed. It made me sad to think about. Malls werent such a big deal when I was growing up. The early ones tended to be mostly outdoor collections of stores, and it struck me as funny that within my lifetime, essentially, malls had been born, evolved to giant enclosed malls, and now were evolving back to lifestyle malls that were a lot like the early outdoor ones I recalled. These kinds of things go in cycles, and I was old enough to have experienced a full cycle, it would seem. The younger people at the malls wouldnt be impressed, and wouldnt care, just as theyd be bored if I told them about my history with mobile phones, from the life without them to the early days of bulky phones, poor reception, and exorbitant pricing to todays mobile computers that happen to make phone calls too. Things that had happened before they were five or so essentially hadnt happened for them, just stuff for history books not that they would read them. When I was younger I marveled at my grandfather having lived from pre-aviation days to jets, but there was no doubt Id thought him old. Id now seen more change than he had, at least technological. Even if I didnt think of myself as old, Id seen so much that it was hard to argue the point. I hadnt just read history; Id lived some of it. It depressed me. I wondered how the other patrons of the food court would react if I died here. Could be food poisoning, or a heart attack, maybe an embolism. I didnt need to know why Id die for this particular fantasy, and I didnt actually have to die here. I could just pass out. The question was: would anyone notice? If I just slumped in my seat silently, I feared it might take some time for anyone to realize anything unusual had happened. The younger

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The Weight of Days To Come people would continue to ignore me, the older patrons might assume I was a husband napping while his wife was shopping. It might be left to the cleaning people, hours later, to poke me in order to realize anything was wrong. Maybe it would be better if I coughed or flailed around, I decided, something to attract a little attention. Then theyd have to call 911, get an EMS squad here. That would attract a crowd and for once Id be the center of attention, even if at that time I might not realize it. Who would they call, I brooded. If I were conscious, I could tell them to call Karen, of course. If I were unconscious, it would get trickier. Shed show up on my phones call history and contact list, but that might take them a little time to figure out. And once they did call her, how long would it take for her to come? She could be anywhere in the country, or possibly even be out of the country. I hated to admit it, but I wasnt entirely sure shed drop everything and rush home. Oh, sure, if I was close to death shed make it a priority to come, but if I was just very sick or going to be laid up for a while, I wasnt quite as sure. Shed certainly call, and make arrangements if necessary, but she didnt like hospitals and she didnt like sick people. Nursing me back to health wasnt something she would relish, not if she could delegate it. No, I thought glumly, if something was going to happen to me, best if it took me out cleanly. No point in prolonging anything and putting Karen through tests that I wasnt sure Id like the results of. My will was done, my affairs were pretty much in order. Karen would have to meet with the funeral home and suffer through the services, but I had no doubt shed be the gallant widow and earn everyones admiration for how well she was taking it. There would be discrete tears at the appropriate times. Then shed be off again, and make herself a new life. Id be doing her a favor, really. I shook my head to clear my head of these morbid thoughts, but I was only able to shift the focus, not the tone. The other thing that bothered me about sitting in the mall at lunch was that in the old days I wouldnt have been here. Id have been at my desk, working making another call, sending another email, planning how I was going to get that next

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The Weight of Days To Come assignment or do a better job on the ones I had. Id have been eating at my desk; if Id have gone out for lunch, it would have been with someone that I was building a business relationship with. I used to be hungry to be successful. I liked to think I still wanted to be successful, and that I still was, but I had to admit that I wasnt as totally focused on it as I used to be. Maybe success had made me soft, maybe age had slowed me down. Or, some might say Id become more balanced, not letting work consume me so much. As much as I loved her, Karen wouldnt have been one of those people seeking more balance in her life. If she were at home she wouldnt be at the mall having lunch. My seat faced the interior of the mall. A few tables to my left two mothers were trying to hold a conversation as their collection of small children played with each other, interspersing their discussion with feedback to the children. Neither mother rated very high on the attractive meter, so I didnt pay too much attention to them. Slightly ahead of me to my right were two women and a man, all of whom had ten or fifteen years on me. The two women were deeply involved in the discussion, while the man was silent and looked like he wished he was anywhere else. I wondered if he lacked a smartphone with which he could preoccupy himself, or if hed been forbidden to use it. Maybe he had no one else he could text or email with, or hadnt learned those functions. He ate his food methodically, keeping his head down, and I felt sorry for the guy. This probably wasnt what hed signed up for when hed retired. Hed probably envisioned spending the day playing golf or watching his big screen TV with a beer at his side. His wife had probably told him it would be a short shopping expedition. Judging from the bags at their feet, the two women probably had been here a while already and werent nearly done. The man bore his disappointment stoically, and I wondered if shed done this enough times that shed worn him down to the point where he no longer had higher expectations. Still, I hoped his wife was going to let him play golf or something as a reward for accompanying her. Maybe shed have sex with him, although by looking at her I suspected hed rather play golf. The trio that attracted my attention was a mother with her young son and daughter. The girl was maybe seven, the boy a year or two younger. The kids were chattering away

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The Weight of Days To Come happily, dividing their attention between their food, their mom, and what looked like puzzles. The mom kept trying to get them to just eat their macaroni and cheese, but that task wasnt sufficient to hold their attention. Both kids were cute, with bright smiles and high spirits. The mother was modestly attractive, as best I could tell. She looked to be of Northern African origin, more Arabic than African, with fine features and coffee-colored skin. None of this would have been at all memorable except for the scarf that covered her hair and neck, and left just her face exposed. She wore a loose dress that came almost to her knees, as well as pants. It didnt take too much deduction to realize that they must be Muslims. At least she wasnt wearing a chador. The mother seemed to be perfectly at ease with the way she was dressed, but I could tell that I wasnt the only person in the food court giving them second glances. The children were uninhibited, and stared openly at other children in the area. A couple times I had the sense that they wanted to go up to some of the other children they saw, but quiet words from their mother kept them seated at their table. I wondered if the children realized how differently from their mother they were dressed. The boy had on long pants with a short-sleeved shirt and tennis shoes, while the girl had on a dress that ended around her knees. She was wearing sandals. I didnt know enough about Islam to know when the little girl would stop dressing like modern western girls and start following the Islamic modesty code. I wondered how she would feel about the change. Maybe shed be excited, seeing it as a transition to becoming a woman, being treated like an adult. Or maybe shed be rebellious, not wanting to stop having the options that any of her non-Islamic friends would have. Perhaps her parents tried to avoid her developing those kinds of friends sending her to a Muslim school, not letting her play with kids in the neighborhood, not letting her try out for sports. Maybe I wasnt giving them enough credit. I read once that among the Amish many adolescents get to rebel against the normal rules, and at some point have to decide if they want to formally become baptized within the religion or go join the outside world. Surprisingly, as I understood it, few seem to take the escape. Maybe this young girls parents would

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The Weight of Days To Come allow her to try out a Western lifestyle, hoping that her upbringing and sense of family ties would prevail. Right now, the girl was taller and bigger than her brother, and probably was ahead on reading, writing and math skills. I imagined she was like most older sisters, enjoying bossing her younger sibling around whenever possible. At some point in her life I feared this was not going to be possible. Maybe her family would be fine sending her to college, would support her choice of career, and would accept her choices of husbands. But maybe not. I discovered that Id started drawing them on my napkin. In my drawing, the mother and the daughter were about the same size, and the boy was now their equal. He was standing while they sat looking up at him. The little girl was dressed as her mother was, only exposing her face and hands, with the daughters right hand covering a smile. Looming over all of them was the face of a man I assumed was the husband and father. He watched over his family with a look that conveyed both pride and authority. In his world, whatever restrictions his wife and daughter underwent were for their own protection. One could hardly fault a man for not wanting other men to leer at or make improper advances at his wife and daughter. I never understood men who liked their wives to wear ultra-short skirts or to expose a lot of cleavage, much less men who married actresses who did nude love scenes. My wife dressed pretty appropriately, but sometimes she wore things I thought were more revealing than Id prefer. Id learned to keep my mouth shut, unless it was to compliment her on how nice she looked. As I looked around the food court, there were a couple of young women who were dressed somewhat daringly. I was not the only person who noticed and enjoyed the view, but that same style on girls just a few years younger which I was sure I could see somewhere else in the mall -- would have made me feel sorry for their parents, who must go crazy with their daughters flaunting their new womans skin and curves. There was no absolute right or wrong here. I didnt know much about Islam, in the way I didnt know much about Hinduism, and it didnt really matter much to me. If I was just

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The Weight of Days To Come hearing stories about Christianity for the first time itd sound pretty wild; I supposed every religion sounds kind of crazy to people not raised in it. Cultural relativity has a lot going for it. When it came to not letting women have the same educational, reproductive, or career choices as men, I had more problem being neutral, and when it came to stonings or honor killings I started to burn. Part of me wanted to go up to the mother and talk to her, see where on the line her family and her mosque fell. But I was afraid Id make trouble, and still not come away with any answers. I threw the napkin away with the remains of my lunch.

Chapter 4 Karen got home late Friday night. I stayed up until she got home from the airport. Shed kept me updated during her trip, and wed talked at least once a day, but I didnt drive out to the airport to meet her. In fact, I fell asleep in front of the TV, dozing off and not waking until I heard the garage door opening. It was something that happened more often these days; gone were the days I could stay up to all hours and still hit the morning fresh. Lately I was lucky to stay awake for the ten oclock news. I managed to totter to my feet before Karen got in the house, but she saw through my efforts to disguise what Id been doing. Taking a little nap? she said, with a smile that might have had a little ice behind it. I just shrugged and asked about her flights. We pecked a quick kiss while I grabbed one of her bags and helped get them upstairs. Man, Im glad to be home, she exclaimed with relief. Im beat. I allowed with a modest smile as to being happy to have her home, and she gave me another quick kiss. I sat in the bedroom and watched as she efficiently unpacked, all the while keeping up a running commentary about her trip, although her recap centered more

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The Weight of Days To Come on flight woes than any results of her meetings. I sort of zoned out on what she was saying, just happy to have her home and to watch her move around. We didnt make love that night, another change from years past. We used to always make it a point to make love after being separated for more than a couple of days, and we hadnt always made it to the bedroom before our passion got the better of us. She took a quick shower while I was getting ready for bed, just to clean the grime of the road off. I stood at the door of her bathroom, feeling like a voyeur. I could see her murky form through the semi-transparent glass walls of the shower, and I had a brief stirring of desire to surprise her by joining her in the shower. It was very tempting, but somehow I waited too long and suddenly lost my nerve. I had lots of excuses I was tired, she was probably tired, I didnt want to get wet at this time of night, and so on but no good reasons. Just the usual excuses of a long married couple. With a sigh, I turned and went to the bed, clicking on the TV. She came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, dressed in a nightgown and drying her hair with a towel. If I had still been holding out hope shed initiate something, she killed it when she glanced at the television and asked what was on, then got into bed and started checking her emails on her phone. I fell asleep twenty minutes later, and dreamt of beautiful women on the beach.

We played tennis with Trevor and Laura Kreiss the next day, at Trevors house. Id known Trevor for twenty years. Hed founded a very successful biotech company called Aeson. The official story was that the name came because Trevors first son was named Jason -- Aeson was the father of Jason in Greek mythology -- but to people he knew well Trevor would admit with a smile that things werent necessarily quite that simple. Aeson committed suicide, but was brought back to life by Jasons wife, so perhaps that reflected his real hopes for the company. His son was now the CEO; with Trevor acting as Chairman but he largely spent his days just enjoying his second wife Laura. She was indeed a beauty, and much younger; Trevor had met her at Jasons wedding. Shed been a bridesmaid.

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Laura was blond and petite, a natural athlete who worked at staying trim. She was a heck of a tennis player, and Id have been happy just to watch her running around in her tennis dress. She was the kind of woman that oozed sex appeal, and her glow was even more pronounced when she was exercising. She looked great in an evening dress too, which she wore to good effect at the many formal functions they hosted or attended, but for my money I preferred to see her like this. Trevor didnt seem to prefer one over the other. Trevor was in his early sixties and moved a slight bit little slower than I did, so Karen and I usually managed to hold our own. We didnt play much tennis anymore, but the muscle memory persisted. After each session Id be sore for days, my body teaching me a lesson about little used muscles. I was pretty sure Laura and Trevor played more regularly, so Karens and my game was gradually worsening, our age not helping. We tried to play once a month as a foursome, but lately that was more of a guideline than a rule. In the winter we usually played them indoors at Trevors country club, feeling like wannabes, but on this day the weather was good, so we were out behind their huge McMansion, as Karen liked to call it. They had a pool too, as well as a putting green, just in case. We lost the first set six to three, and Karen was not pleased. You missed some easy shots there, boyfriend, she pointed out briskly to me during the break. At least I didnt hit you in the back with any of my serves, I offered meekly, not wanting to get into a discussion about whose play was more responsible for our loss. I wisely didnt bring up that one of her returns had grazed my shoulder when I was at the net. The second set didnt go much better. Fault! Karen yelled as Lauras serve came slamming in. If it had been to my side, I might have given it the benefit of the doubt, but Karen cut no slack and neither Laura nor Trevor felt like arguing the point, although I thought Laura shot Karen a skeptical glance. She got the second serve in and we volleyed a while, trying to keep Trevor away from the net, where his reach made it hard to dislodge him. They won the point and, a few serves later, the game.

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In the end, they won the second set six-two, and we conceded the match. Karen nabbed at her face with a towel in obvious frustration. Good match, you guys, she told them graciously, giving each a quick hug. She gave me the eye. I guess I need to get Marc out of the house more to practice. Ive been practicing on the Wii, I protested playfully. She was not amused. Well, I thought Marc did great, Laura exclaimed, grabbing my arm with both hands and squeezing it. She hooked one arm in mine. Do you guys still feel like lunch? We sat ourselves out on the patio, under a large umbrella. The view was impressive, with their manicured lawn spread out in front of us, the swimming pool in one direction and the tennis court fifty yards away in the other, behind some neatly kept shrubs. I wondered how much their gardener cost them to keep things so nice; hell, I wondered how much it cost to water the damn yard. Their maid, a pretty young woman who appeared to be Filipino, brought us some iced tea, then went back in the house to get the lunch. Laura sat to my right, Karen to my left, with Trevor across the table. Laura almost always seemed to be smiling, which I liked about her but which Karen distrusted. Karen and I had been friends with Trevors first wife, who had taken her considerable divorce settlement and headed to South Beach. Karen kept in touch with her, and I suspected that she kept her apprised of how Trevors trophy wife was doing. Trevor had a distinguished head of grey hair on top of an undistinguished face and body, but one could tell from his sharp gaze that he didnt miss much. Hed started out as a Ph.D. molecular biologist, and was a fine researcher, but early in his career hed decided was not cut out for either academia or the lab. He was even more proficient in the boardroom as he was in the lab, and struck out on his own in his early thirties. Aeson had made him his fortune, but hed worked for it. One could argue if Laura would have given

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The Weight of Days To Come him a chance without his wealth, but they seemed happy enough, from the outside. I always wondered how well she and Jason truly got along, but I assumed Trevor had a tight prenup that protected his childrens interests and Aeson itself. Trevor might or might not be a fool for love, but when it came to money he was certainly no fool. Lunch was some club sandwiches and salad, both very fancy and delivered with a just-so presentation that made me reluctant to eat either. The other three had no such qualms, so I attacked it too. I always felt bad about being served by their maid, and I at least tried to make sure I made eye contact and told her thanks. I didnt know if she cared for all I knew, she thought I was being self-righteous but it helped me feel less like an imperial capitalist. Laura started telling us about some volunteer work she was doing; well, not so much volunteer work per se, as serving on the board of a local food bank. Once a month she goes down to the warehouse and packs food kits, Trevor offered, and I couldnt tell if he was proud or amused. Maybe both. She makes me come along too. You guys should join us! Laura exclaimed, her eyes bright. She seemed excited about the possibility of us hanging out at the food banks warehouse. Maybe she wanted to see what Karen might wear, hoping to see her in ratty jeans and sneakers. For all I knew, Laura had special outfits for her volunteer work, perhaps unique sets for each charity and each more expensive than the last. But that was unkind of me. Karen shot me a warning glance. Well have to do that, I agreed tentatively, keeping my face serious. We need to find a date that works, thats all, Karen clarified, and everyone but Laura knew that there wasnt going to be such a date. Hows work, Karen? Trevor asked, his eyes twinkling. He was changing the subject on purpose, and I winked gratefully at him when I caught his eye. Karen launched into a quick recap of her recent sales calls. Shed never worked directly with Trevor, but they knew lots of people in common, and he certainly understood her job and its challenges.

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The Weight of Days To Come He asked her some insightful questions about some of her clients, which she sat back and gave thoughtful responses to, Laura followed the discussion as best she could, but her own business experience had been limited. Shed been working in a PR firm doing event planning when theyd met, so she was on firm ground talking about parties, press conferences, media events and the like. Trevor had liked that she hadnt been awed by high profile executives or celebrities; a cynic might have said shed targeted them and had, in fact, landed one, but I liked to give her the benefit of the doubt. Trevor was a nice guy, not a George Clooney but he treated her well and, as far as I knew, didnt cheat on her. It wasnt like shed stolen him away from his first wife; theyd been separated for a couple years before Laura had made her appearance. How about you, Marc? Trevor asked. Id been watching Laura gamely try to follow Trevor and Karens conversation rather than paying attention to that conversation, so I was caught slightly off guard. How about me what? I asked, hoping he was asking if I wanted some more food. Hows business? he clarified, suppressing a smile. I had the sense that he realized Laura wasnt enjoying trying to follow his discussion with Karen, and thought shed have a better time asking about my work. Everyone understands a matchmaker. Oh, not bad, I allowed. Not great, but Ive pretty much recovered from the impact of the recession. I dont know what he does all day, Karen announced archly. Usually making calls to people like you, I replied with equal archness. You get enough calls from recruiters to know what its like.

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The Weight of Days To Come Id have thought other recruiters wouldnt call you, Laura said to Karen, tip-toeing in the conversation. She nodded towards me. Professional courtesy and all. The three of us had a laugh at that, which I felt bad about when I saw the cloud of confusion pass over Lauras face. Its just business, I explained. If another recruiter has something shes right for, hes not going to go through me. Plus Karen isnt about to let Marc screen her job opportunities, Trevor added. It sounded somewhat more harsh than he probably intended, and I saw both Karen and Laura glance my way to see if I was offended. To be honest, I wasnt quite sure what he meant either, but I smiled and put my palms out facing upwards. Hey, Id never do anything to stand in Karens way. Now it was Karens turn to seem slightly uncertain. Professionally, you mean? she asked, raising an eyebrow. I stared at her for a long moment, wondering why shed felt the need to make a distinction between protecting her professional life from her personal life. Maybe she thought Id been drawing the distinction. This had gotten weird all of a sudden, and I felt the need to change the mood. The only thing I want to get between is Karen and her clothes, I said in best Groucho Marx leer, putting my hand on her arm. She blushed, then put her other hand to her mouth in mock embarrassment while pretending to scowl at me. At least, I hoped she was pretending. Youre terrible, Laura teased, lightly slapping my arm with her hand. Trevor smiled but didnt say anything.

Chapter 5

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The Weight of Days To Come The rest of the weekend was pretty quiet. Saturday night we went out to a restaurant we liked in Durham a local place, not a chain. The food was pretty good, and we liked to eat in the bar, where they had some live music. This week it was a duo, a man on the drums and a woman on the guitar. They covered a lot of songs from the sixties and seventies, which probably accounted for the amount of baby boomers like us hanging out in the bar. One of the best things, or maybe one of the worst, about technology has been that no music ever seemed to disappear anymore. Not only could people our age hear songs from our youth anytime we wanted, but younger people seemed to find them too. Kids seemed to know as much or more about the Beatles or the Rolling Stones as I did. But it doesnt belong as uniquely the generation in which it originally happened as it used to, and in some way that made it less special. Still, when I listened to these covers of old songs, I had memories that the younger listeners couldnt match. Sunday morning we both got up early; I went to the gym for a long swim, while Karen worked out at home. I used to ask her about that, why shed rather stay at home instead of going to the gym. It wasnt like she wasnt used to working out in gyms she did it all the time on the road or had anything to worry about in terms of how good she looked. She just told me shed rather stay at home and work out on her own, and after a while I stopped asking and we amicably did our own things. I kind of liked getting out of the house for my exercise. I was in the house a lot as it was, since I worked from home, so the swims and the lunches out were my breaks. Over time the pool had become a little social meeting place too, with some of the other regulars. Marty Epstein was the unofficial, unelected mayor of the pool. In his seventies, Marty was a widower who spent more time chatting with the other swimmers than he did swimming, although he faithfully put his time in the pool. He never came out and said so, but I always thought that the pool was his social club. I imagined him going home to a house too quiet, his wife dead and his friends dead or dispersed as well. Maybe kids living too far away. But he never had told me any of that, it was all in my head; he could have just been a social guy, always chatting up everyone around.

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The Weight of Days To Come If Marty was the social king, Mary was the opposite. I didnt even know her last name. She was a younger woman, in her late twenties, but she had not been genetically blessed with either good looks or a nice figure. She was stocky from head to toe, and doggedly swam her laps in the pool. Swam wasnt quite the right word; she used a kickboard to kick her way through her laps, and I had my doubts that that she could swim without it. As for being social, shed nod at the rest of us and attempt a smile, but it was clear that she enjoyed no part of this experience. Sue Martin was a retired high school teacher, older than me but not quite as old as Marty. She wasnt quite old enough to be my mother, but she always had what I thought of as a maternal interest in me, always seeming pleased to see me and giving me little compliments. She was very pleasant to everyone and invariably cheerful. I figured that if the wave after wave of snotty high school kids hadnt broken her spirits, nothing was ever going to. Perhaps the lure of retirement was what had kept her going all those years. The exercise and what I imagined to be her healthy diet had done a good job fighting the effects of age, as she looked, if not trim, then at least not doughy. Her hair was grey but nicely coiffed. Sue wore a different suit every day of the week, with a matching swimming cap and goggles. I supposed they were more accurately called swimdresses instead of suits, and they certainly didnt do anything to streamline her resistance in the water. She liked pastels and outfits with floral designs, but I didnt hold it against her. She and Marty always ending up chatting, making me sometimes wonder if there was something between them. The last member of our informal crew of quasi-regulars was Carson Ward. Carson was in his mid-thirties. He once told me he used to be a runner until his knees had had enough. Carson admitted that he didnt really enjoy the swimming, and that if biking didnt bother his knees as well hed have been doing that. Swimming, it seemed, was a distant third in his exercise preference, but he was determined to keep at it. He was a good looking guy, a little on the thin side, with balding hair. He sold office equipment for a living, and had a wife at home. She also worked out at the gym, although not in the

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The Weight of Days To Come pool and usually alternating her workout time with Carson; she came at the end of the day so one of them could be at home with their two young children. It wasnt like the group worked out together, or had parties at our houses together. We didnt really know much about each other outside the gym. But we had all had been seeing each other at the pool long enough to earn a familiarity. There were occasional other swimmers who came to the pool, but either they varied their schedule more or worked out for a while and gave it up, and in either case never earned inclusion in our little club. As dissimilar as we were demographically, swimming ability, and so on we shared a bond, one not of shared pleasure but of shared discipline. It wasnt much but it was enough. I liked being at the pool, more than at the gym itself. I liked the smell of chlorine, and the sudden humidity I felt as soon as I walked in the door. I liked the sounds of the pool the gentle echoes sounds made, the noise of the small waves swimmers caused (some more than others). Later in the day it got different, overrun by noisy kids, splashing and goofing around. They were there for fun, which was fine, but I liked the time when the pool was for other purposes, respecting effort and persistence. Thats what our little social group had in common, what bonded us together. Only Marty and Sue were at the pool on this particular morning. Marty was at the edge of the pool resting. His regime appeared to be only ten or fifteen minutes at a time, shorter if a newcomer arrived, but he repeated the interval several times. He once told me hed been swimming since he was a teenager, but you couldnt tell by watching him in the pool. He swam with a dog paddle that would make a dog embarrassed; even Mary could outspeed him. Sue was in the pool, doing her laps with a measured stroke, but Marty shouted his hello. Look whos here! On a Sunday, no less. He put his wet hand out for a hearty handshake.

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The Weight of Days To Come I put down my towel and slipped off my flip-flops. I was already achy from the tennis, and was hoping the swim would loosen me up. I might have guessed Id find you here. Are you done or just getting going? He waved his hand to indicate something rather more uncertain. A few more laps, I guess. Is Karen out of town? I explained that, no, she was at home, and working out on her own. He shook his head in disappointment. A woman like that, out of town all week you should stay with her over the weekend when shes home. He frowned in disapproval. Marty had never met Karen, and Id only told him the bare minimum, yet somehow hed gloomed on to the idea of her as the perfect wife. I suspected it had to do more with the loss of his own wife than to anything about her, or me. Maybe I was trying to get away from her, I joked. Marty gave me a look. I doubt that. Why do you say that? I asked. Marty gave me an enigmatic smile. Because I pay attention. I didnt know what to make of that, so I just let it go. We chatted a couple more minutes, and I finally told him I needed to get going on my workout so I could get back to Karen. Marty would have kept talking indefinitely otherwise, but this was an excuse for which he had no counter. I jumped in the pool, adjusted my goggles and nose plug, and started my laps. When I finished, both Marty and Sue were gone.

Karen went shopping in the afternoon, first the mall and then the grocery store. She asked me if I wanted to come, as she usually did, but her invitation was perfunctory.

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The Weight of Days To Come Wed long ago gotten out of the habit of me tagging along while she shopped. Id tried bringing my laptop to the mall, working or surfing while she shopped, but after a while it seemed silly to do there what I could do at home. Perhaps it was the same thing she thought about going to the gym to workout. I stayed home and half-watched a football game while I did a little work, mixed with random Web surfing. When Karen got back I helped her unload the car and put the groceries away. She pretty much pushed me out of the kitchen so she could cook dinner. Karen loved to cook, making elaborate meals with recipes she discovered. To me, cooking was just a waste of time, leaving too many pots and pans which I felt compelled to clean up for her. The food was, I had to admit, pretty good, but the cost-benefit didnt work out for me. But it made her happy. At least we had dinner together. Yes, it was a pleasant weekend. When I said pleasant, though, I supposed I really meant comfortable. No fights, no tension, no uneasiness about being together. As much as Karen was away, it wouldnt have been so strange if wed found it at least modestly awkward to spend time together, especially when it was just the two of us. The fact of the matter was that we didnt spend so much time actually together. Each of us had solo outings like me to the gym or her out shopping and even when in the house we werent necessarily in the same room together and werent spending much time talking when we were together. We didnt smile and gaze into each others eyes like young lovers. Television or computer screens tend to keep ones eye focused away from other humans who might be present, even when that human was as easy on the eyes as Karen was. Still, I liked knowing she was there. I was as good as anyone I knew at being alone, and between working at home and Karen being away so much I had lots of time by myself, even if I did spend most of my days talking to people on the phone or emailing with them; I wasnt a hermit. Still, I liked Karen being home. The house seemed livelier with her there, as did I. I liked hearing noises in the house that demonstrated her presence, and when she was doing something elsewhere in the house I made sure to stop by every so

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The Weight of Days To Come often just to check in with her. That chance to look at her, maybe give her a quick hug or a kiss, always cheered me up yet also made me think about the long periods of time she wasnt there. Still, if I were being honest, I had to admit that it was much more often the case that I was the one checking on her, not the other way around. The only conversation of real note, oddly enough, was about Laura and Trevor, as we were getting ready for bed. I was in bed reading and she was in her bathroom doing her nightly ministrations, but with the door open. That Laura is a pretty one, she commented out of the blue. Even I knew enough about women to recognize what a dangerous statement that was. Uh-huh, I replied as noncommittally as I could, keeping my eyes on my book. Out of the corner of my eye I could tell she stopped what she was doing long enough to glance over at me. You dont think shes attractive? she pressed. I looked up. Laura was, in fact, exceptionally pretty. I knew I enjoyed seeing her, and when she wore revealing clothes I particularly enjoyed the view. If Id discovered that nude pictures of her existed Id definitely be scouring the Internet for them. But if wed both been single shed have been out of my league; even if Id been her age and we were both single I probably wouldnt ask her out. My imagination wasnt even good enough for me to come up with a scenario plausible enough for me to even fantasize about being with her, which is pretty sad indeed. Shes pretty, sure, I agreed neutrally. I looked up at Karen and smiled broadly. Not like you, of course. Karen held my gaze for a long second, ensuring I wasnt going to blow my line by laughing, then turned her attention back to her mirror. You know shes going to want kids, she offered, wiping her face with some tissues. .

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The Weight of Days To Come Id never thought about it. I figured Trevor had done the father thing, done the working thing, and now was ready to enjoy life with his young wife. Why do you say that? Karen rolled her eyes. Its been a couple years, shes not really working, and shell want the extra protection. Her hand is better if she has a child with Trevor. Her hand? I put my book down in my lap. She shrugged matter-of-factly. In case things dont work out. I shook my head. Why wouldnt it work out? I think they love each other. Karen took a considered look at herself in the mirror, making faces to check out different views of her face. Maybe, she said at last, dabbing at her face. I hope so. But trophy wives like Laura have to watch out for their own interests. Hes got the prenup, so a child gives her some additional leverage. I frowned. Thats awfully practical of you, isnt it? What about being soul mates and all that? I asked. I smiled at her. You know, like us. She gave me a look that might have been a smile, or might have just been a tolerant glance, neither confirming nor refuting my statement. I may be your second wife, but Im no trophy wife, dear. You married up in years, not down like Trevor. Maybe you should have married a rich guy like Trevor. I tried to make my note light and teasing, but I wasnt entirely sure I pulled it off. Karen laughed. Yeah, but hed have to be like eighty if Im going to compete with the Lauras of the world. Thank you, no. She pretended to give me a thoughtful look, evaluating me. At least I hoped she was pretending. Im happy with what I got, she decided.

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The Weight of Days To Come

Thank goodness for that, dear. I paused a moment. I think you could score someone younger than eighty. Karen made a face at me and went back to work at the mirror, applying her cream regime. Anyway, I think Trevor is getting bored, so a kid might be good. That analysis surprised me. Bored? Why would he be bored? Karen shook her head. Hes used to working, to building something. Hes either got to start a new company, have a kid, or have an affair. I guess having a kid is the easiest to start, although it probably ends up being the most work, I observed, tongue only slightly in cheek. I shook my head. Anyway, why would he cheat on Laura? You were just saying how beautiful she was. Karen gave me a look that suggested she pitied my naivety, and looked back in the mirror. Hey, Brad Pitt had Jennifer Anniston and cheated on her. Men are always attracted to the next woman, the woman they havent had yet. Thats pretty cynical, dont you think? I objected. Pretty realistic, Id say, Karen countered. I got up and walked over to her. I stood behind her and put my arms around her, so we could see both of us in the mirror. I kissed her softly at the nape of her neck. Hey, pretty lady, the only woman Im interested in is you. I squeezed her slightly for emphasis. Either that added pressure or the sentiment of the words forced a small smile out of her. She patted my arm.

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The Weight of Days To Come I didnt want to think about Trevor cheating on Laura, and if I did start to wonder about that Id have to start thinking about Laura preemptively cheating on him. That was the stereotype of the young wife, after all. Now that I considered it, getting her pregnant might be a smart thing for Trevor to do. Children had never been high on either of our agendas. If my first wife had been quite keen about children, I wouldnt have protested, but when things started crumbling Id been glad there hadnt been any kids to suffer the aftermath. Id gathered that Karen had been quite clear to her first husband that kids were not on her life plan, and by the time we got together it wasnt an issue for us. We both had nieces and nephews, whom we enjoyed at a safe distance and occasional visit, but sometimes I wondered if Id really regret the lack of children when I got older. It was too bad one couldnt go straight to having adult children, established in their lives and with kids of their own to spoil. When I thought about this topic, which wasnt often, I usually ended up calling my folks just to let them know it all hadnt been a waste, for them anyway. When I got to their age -- if I got to their age -- thered be no such phone calls. We went to bed with a tender kiss goodnight. In the morning she went into the office, and that afternoon she left again for the week, off to places unknown.

Chapter 6 The thing about swimming is that you really cant do much except try not to drown. People always talk about how hard running is, but when youre running you can still look around, check out the flowers or the leaves or the houses around you, even talk to people. Runners sometimes even listen to music, so, all in all, there was lots of potential for distractions. The same goes for most other forms of exercise: youre not typically fully committed, theres usually some possibility of making the exercise social or fun or at least shared misery.

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The Weight of Days To Come With swimming, though, you cant talk, you cant listen to music, you cant look around. Well, perhaps you can, but not if youre putting any kind of effort into the swimming. I wasnt a great swimmer but I worked at it, and I had to say that I rather enjoyed the isolation it brought me, blotting everything else in the world around me. There was water, there was me, and there were periodic gulps of air, and that was it. Oh, and the walls; the bad part about swimming laps was that I had to keep anticipating the walls and making the turns. Sometimes I got so into the swimming that Id forget to turn in time, banging my head into the wall and feeling foolish. I didnt think drowning was a way I particularly wanted to die. Id heard about people jumping in a pool, settling to the bottom, and calmly letting their breath out, to be replaced by the water. Or they go to the ocean, get caught up by a wave, then struggle until they are exhausted and sink below the surface, never to be heard from again. I could even hit my head against the wall, stunning myself long enough to breath in that deadly water. Any way it happened, it wasnt pretty. Its funny; water consists largely of oxygen, but in its liquid form it becomes useless for purposes of staying alive. We all come from creatures whose homes were in the sea, and we all start our lives in the womb completely surrounded by liquid. Youd think we could thus handle breathing water better, like Ed Harris in The Abyss. All I knew was that the times Id inadvertently swallowed water instead of air, it felt terrible, and my lungs convulsed themselves to evict the invading water, so I couldnt imagine that dying by drowning would be easy. Id rather die gradually slipping away, making my peace with life. Not fighting for one last breath, one last second of sweet air. The water was like a pet tiger; as nice as it might be most of the time, one never knew when it would suddenly turn and kill. It helped me by keeping me afloat, but it relentlessly tried to get inside me, seeping into the easy targets of my ears and nose and looking for every opportunity to get into the motherlode that were my lungs.

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The Weight of Days To Come I dutifully did my laps. The pleasure in it, if there was any pleasure, was largely in the satisfaction in having it done, knowing Id forced myself to plod along for my allotted time. No, that wouldnt be entirely true. There was a subtle satisfaction in the oblivion of the swimming itself, in how it shut off all other considerations except that next stroke, the next breath. I didnt think about candidates or jobs or Karen or what Id eat at my next meal. I had to stay focused on pulling myself along in the water. That focus was a relief, a gift that was all the better because it was hard earned. I was toweling myself off when I first noticed her. She was swimming in one of the inner lanes, and what struck me was how comfortable she appeared doing so. She swam like the water was her home smooth, no wasted motions, her turns so integrated into her strokes that it was almost like an optical illusion that shed changed direction. Still, she wasnt at home in the water like a seal or a dolphin. Those creatures make swimming look joyful, playing in the water like a child running in the grass. She moved more like a shark, relentless and moving not for the joy of it but because it was necessary, although I didnt understand in what way it might be necessary. All I knew was that it mesmerized me. She hadnt been swimming when Id started, and I hadnt been aware of her starting, so I couldnt judge how long shed been at it. All I knew was that I couldnt pull myself away from the sight of her. Carson was swimming a few lanes away from her. He wasnt a bad swimmer -- certainly better than me -- but he looked sluggish and awkward compared to her. I couldnt see her face, and all I could tell about her body was that she was sleek in the water, with long arms and legs. Her face, on the split seconds it came out of the water, was mostly masked by her goggles. I was sure it was a woman, I suspected she was young, and that was really all I could tell about her as a human being. Otherwise, she might as well have been a mermaid, materializing in this pool just to bewitch me.

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The Weight of Days To Come She swam for another thirty minutes, moving at a speed and level of effort I could only dream of, yet showing no signs of the exertion I always demonstrated. Id never swum that well, but at least I could remember my limbs being limber like that, long ago. The contrast between what this swimmer was doing and what I was hobbled into doing made me feel doubly ancient. Marty came out of the locker room at some point, made his way over to me, but quickly realized where my attention was. Carson made his way over to us as well. New blood, eh? he observed in a softer voice than usual. I havent seen any blood but I suspect shes using it pretty efficiently, I replied, without taking my eyes off her. Efficient, Marty repeated, testing out the word. He carefully watched her move. Yes, that would describe her very well. For once, even Marty didnt have much to say. We watched her finish her workout in respectful silence. I knew there was someone in the pool with me, but I assumed it was a man, he said in that same low tone. Hed assumed that, of course, because she was swimming faster than he was. Carson was the fastest of our little bunch, but he was no match at all for her. Who is she? he asked rhetorically. Wow, shes good. Marty and I both just nodded in agreement. When she stopped and grabbed the wall I was initially dumbstruck, not able to accept her not being in motion. She took the goggles off, and I saw that there was justice in the world; she was attractive. Somehow it would have seemed unfair if such a graceful athlete wasnt attractive. After a couple of seconds of breathing deeply, she effortlessly pulled herself up and padded over to a chair, where she retrieved her towel and started to dry off un-self-consciously. It was only then that I realized how creepy it might seem that three men were standing there just watching her, especially if she realized how long wed been watching her. Marty, Carson and I broke up our conversational circle as smoothly as if wed practiced it; Marty got in the water, and Carson and I walked to the

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The Weight of Days To Come mens locker room. The newcomer seemed as oblivious to Marty as she was to Carson and me. The last I saw of her as I went into the locker room was a glimpse of her face as she gathered up her bag and headed towards the womens locker room, her face as serious as her swimming had been. It was a face Id never forget, and one I knew I needed to try to draw as soon as I could get something to draw on.

Chapter 7 I stopped at the front desk to ask Rick about my mystery swimmer. Rick manned the desk in the morning, acting as the greeter/gatekeeper for the health club. He had an exuberant personality, even at these early morning hours, and seemed to know everyone. Hey, Rick, I said in a casual tone. Who was the Olympic swimmer in the pool with me today? He gave me a look with a smile that suggested he thought I was starting a joke. What do you mean, Mr. Wheeler? Id told him countless times to call me Marc, but it had failed to take. I had some thirty years on him, so no matter how familiar he was to club members closer to him in age, I always got the feeling he thought of me as being someone whom his parents might be friends with. There was this great woman swimmer doing laps while I was swimming. I thought you might have noticed her. Rick had a set of monitors in front of him that allowed him to keep tabs on the key areas of the gym. I sometimes wondered if somewhere they had cameras in the womens locker room, but if so the front desk personnel did a good job of keeping the views hidden from members like me. For all I knew, Rick was gay and liked to watch men change clothes, but I somehow doubted it. He had too much fun bantering with the omen

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The Weight of Days To Come members. Rick glanced at the monitor that had the view of the pool, which now showed Mary kicking along slowly. He frowned and looked back at me skeptically. Not Mary, Rick, I chided him mildly. The one Im talking about finished up a few minutes after I did. Rick regained his smile and focused on the task. Whatd she look like? he asked, after managing to shout out greetings to two members coming in at the same time. I thought for a moment. I dont really know, I confessed. She had goggles and a swim cap on while she was swimming, and I didnt get a good look at her when she got out of the pool. Kind of tall, maybe late twenties. Kind of pretty, I think. I paused. But Id recognized her stroke anywhere. Hmm, he considered thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. He nodded his head. Yeah, I think I know who you are talking about. Shes fairly new here, but Ive seen her a couple other mornings. He gave me a meaningful look, man-to-man. You want her name, Mr. Wheeler? he asked, knowing it was against the rules but understanding how these things worked. I honestly hadnt thought my goals through very well. I didnt actually have any prurient interests, at least not consciously. I couldnt say she was unusually pretty, and her body didnt resemble a Baywatch babe by any means, as best I could tell in her very functional suit. It was just that, well, she was so graceful. She swam better than I did anything. I wished I was that graceful, at anything. For all I knew, she was a terrible person, was a complete failure at everything else in her life, littered from her car window, and kicked any dogs or small children within reach. It didnt matter. Id have given a great deal to have her grace in some part of my life. No, I wasnt really looking for her name, I said at last, looking away from Rick. I was just curious why she was so good.

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The Weight of Days To Come Ricks smile didnt dim at all. Probably took swimming lessons as a kid, he said blithely. I think she must have been a fish as a kid then, I replied, only half-joking. He chuckled and I left, wondering if Id run into her again.

Later that day I had a call with a candidate for my open recombinant DNA search. Hey, Ken, thanks for agreeing to talk to me, I started our call. No problem, he replied. He was Ken Swanson, an M.D. with a Ph.D. in biochemistry as well as an MBA. From looking at his C.V., one suspected that he was the kind of kid everyone either hated or resented in school, and that he probably didnt care in the least. In his late thirties, hed already had an impressive career. Id come across him at a conference a few years ago, had been tracking him since then, and finally had a position I thought he might be interested in. We traded gossip about a few people I knew we knew in common, then launched into my pitch. Did you get a chance to look at the position description I emailed you? I asked. I did, he admitted, without revealing any reaction to it. The job was as Chief Scientist for a start-up biotech company focusing on a line of research that was very close to his own. I did notice, though, that it didnt include the location. That had been a tactical omission on my part. Ken was currently working in the Seattle area, and reportedly he and his wife were very enamored of the area and its lifestyle. Typically I would have included location in the job description, and I had done so in the version Id sent to other candidates for this job, but I wanted Ken to focus on the job first and save his location concerns for later. Ill get to that, I promised. What did you think of the opportunity? Interesting, he conceded. Walk me through it.

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I spent the next ten minutes telling him about the job and as much as I could disclose about the company without revealing enough details that he would deduce what company it was. His field was a small enough world that it wouldnt take many clues to tip him off. He asked several good questions, especially about the positions span of control and the companys short term viability, and I gradually felt that he was intrigued. It was a smaller company than where he was, but hed have more control, more promise of funding for his research, and a bigger stake in the company. All right, he said at last in a grudging tone of voice. It sounds promising. So who is it with and where would it be? Im glad youre interested and I cant wait for you to meet with them, Ken, I replied. I think youll really hit it off with the leadership team. Ken wasnt so easily deterred. First things first. I told him the name of the company, and I knew he was googling them as I spoke. It took a couple of seconds as he scanned his results. OK, yeah, I wondered if it was them. Ive met a couple of those guys. He paused for a second. Not too bad. Yes, they were pretty excited when I suggested your name. But theyre in Indianapolis. He made it sound like a deal-breaker, like I was suggesting he go to prison or Siberia. Or prison in Siberia. Hey, Indianapolis is a great town, I told him, revving up my sales pitch. You know, youve got Lilly and the medical school there that gives you a bunch of good people in town to work with. You have an NFL team and an NBA team, plus of course the Indy 500 if youre into auto racing. Theres a fine symphony and a very active theater community. Lots going on.

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The Weight of Days To Come Uh-huh, he replied, utterly unconvinced. Its soMidwestern. I knew he was originally from Oregon, had gone to school on the West Coast, and had worked in San Francisco, Portland, and now Seattle, which is why Id wanted to defer this particular conversation until I could get him a little interested. It is, I asserted cheerfully. In the best sense. Nice people, low cost of living, easy access to Chicago and the East Coast. Theres always something that is a barrier. Candidates who are too eager to jump usually didnt take too long before they started looking again. Sometimes the job wasnt quite right, sometimes the people werent a good fit, and sometimes it boiled down to location. In the end, though, it was usually money that drove the decision. Money and ego. There was a rumble of thunder outside. I took a quick glance outside and saw the ominous storm clouds. I wondered how far away the lightening was. Id always heard about people getting killed when lightening struck a telephone line while they were on the phone. I wondered if the same could apply to being on the computer. Of course, my Internet service was through the cable company, and I doubted the lightening was going to get to the computer, plus, of course, I had a surge protector. Maybe the lightening would strike the house. Unless it came through the window and hit me directly, though, a lightening strike on the house would mean fire, and burning alive was not in my top ten list of preferred ways to go. Oh, well. I dont know, Ken said dubiously. We like it out here pretty well. Got a great house on the water. Lots of great restaurants. I pulled myself away from thinking about the remote prospects of death by lightening. You should come out and take a visit, I urged him, getting back into my game. Indy has a really revitalized downtown, several great neighborhoods, or great suburbs if you prefer that. Even a couple big reservoirs for sailing, if youre into that.

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The Weight of Days To Come Truth be told, and I was glad he didnt think to ask, Id never been to Indianapolis and didnt have it on my must-see list of cities. That was true about a lot of the locations I recruited for. It wasnt my job to personally testify to the livability of various cities. I did my research, talked to people I knew there if I thought I needed some additional insights, but the location was sort of like the jobs themselves: these were just things I was trying to put other people into, not things I could or would do myself. A matchmaker doesnt need to love or even like the two people he was trying to put together; all that mattered was making the match. So Id talk up Indianapolis as much as I could without outright lying, but it didnt mean Id live there either. He exhaled heavily, and I knew the hook was in. He was envisioning how he would explain to his wife that he was thinking about uprooting them to Indianapolis. The fact that he was thinking of how he might do it told me he was considering the job. Lets talk a little about compensation. I told him the ballpark salary and bonus, plus how much ownership hed have. Huh, he responded thoughtfully. Thatsthats not too bad. I pressed the small advantage. They really want you. Lets schedule you and your wife to come out for a visit. Theyd like to show you around, let you see their facilities, maybe look at a few neighborhoods if you want. And, of course, listen to your vision of how you could take their research to the next level. The last was, in some ways, the biggest hook. For Dr. Ken Swanson was the kind of guy who thought hed have a clearer, better vision of the future than most anyone, and if this was the place he could best prove it, all the coffee in Seattle wouldnt hold him there. Like I said, money and ego. Give me a couple dates you and your wife could come out and Ill work it out with them. He was silent a second, and I was afraid I might have lost him. Id have to talk to my wife, of course.

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The Weight of Days To Come I smiled to myself, knowing now he was going to have to be the advocate for the move as he pitched his wife. Sometimes the candidates wanted me to talk to their spouse, which I would do, but which almost never was successful. That kind of delegation meant their heart wasnt in it and they were letting the spouses reluctance make their decision. As Id suspected, Ken wasnt the kind of person to delegate his career decisions. Of course. Go ahead and talk to her. Ill send you some information about Indianapolis that might help. I had a set of links ready that best bragged about lifestyle in the Hoosier capital. Yeah, OK, he agreed distractedly, and again I thought he was already planning how hed bring it up. Shes got a career too, you know, so thats a factor. It often was, these days, and if it wasnt the spouses career it was kids in school. The spouses career was usually easier to deal with. I assured him the company would help her find something good, plus a generous relocation package would give them some time before she needed to work again from a financial standpoint. Id been accused, over time, of luring people away from jobs they liked, had even been blamed for the break-ups or divorces that had sometimes followed a candidates placement. I always felt slightly guilty about those situations, but I rationalized that no one can force someone else into a new job. Id learned that people who are happy in their jobs dont suddenly start looking for or listening seriously about new jobs. Its only when they are already itchy, already starting to look to the next thing, that people like me can do any luring. Its a hard skill to know when people are ripe for a change, but Id gotten good at it. As for the broken marriages, well, I suspected it was much like with the jobs; if there wasnt already an itch, wasnt already a crack, then a new job wasnt going to harm the marriage. So I didnt feel too responsible for any damage that happened in the candidates old life. Just a little. We hung up with Ken promising to email me some dates after hed talked things over with his wife. I didnt know his wife, although Id done a little research on her, and I knew she was still a wild card. Her job wasnt something so unique that finding a

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The Weight of Days To Come comparable one in Indianapolis would be impossible, but I didnt know enough about her personal attachment to Seattle. Maybe she loved her house and her friends too much to consider leaving, in which case Id try to convince Ken to still consider something that involved a commuting or telecommuting arrangement. It wasnt ideal but I really wanted to get him in front of my client. He was one of my top two candidates, and I was a little afraid that my other candidate was going to end up too pricey. I stood up, my body badly needing a stretch, feeling a sense of accomplishment. If I was more demonstrative I might have shaken my fist in victory, but of course I hadnt won anything yet. I rated it only maybe sixty percent hed end up interviewing, and even if he did it was fifty-fifty hed get the offer and if he did get the offer only fifty-fifty hed take it. Work through all the math and the resulting probability didnt come out too likely. I settled for a few half-hearted stretches and a walk downstairs to get a can of soda, just as a break before settling back in at my desk. I stared at the doodle from the call. It had started out with some clouds, then Id filled in some impressive lightening bolts. Most were just for show, but a couple hit some trees, splitting one in two. And one particularly nasty bolt chased a scared-looking man, whom I assumed was me, and striking him in the back. He had an exaggerated look of panic and terror on his or my face. It would certainly be a story that Karen could tell, I thought glumly, but it didnt seem too likely to happen. Sighing, I settled down in front of the computer to start looking for more candidates.

Chapter 8 I supposed I shouldnt really have felt that much satisfaction in persuading Ken to consider the position. It was a job that would undoubtedly look like a step up on his resume, but it wasnt likely to be as ideal as I might have led him to believe. Id known Brian Culpepper, the CEO, for many years. He was a fine biochemist in his own right and had done wonders in several companies research departments. Brian had gotten it in

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The Weight of Days To Come his head that he should start his own company, convinced some investors he had some solid ideas for breakthroughs, and had, indeed, come up with some very promising ideas. Hed been wearing the dual hats of CEO and Chief Scientist, and now his Board wanted him to split those duties. Hed chosen to remain CEO, out of ego and desire for control, which led to this search to take over as Chief Scientist. The trouble was that Brian was unlikely to be able to keep his hands away from the research, since that was what he was best at and loved the most. It was going to cause trouble for whomever took the Chief Scientist position, and ran the risk that it could end up interfering with his CEO duties. I figured it was only a matter of time perhaps six months or a year before either the Board booted him or he fired his new Chief Scientist. Maybe both would happen, although not necessarily in that order. If the new Chief Scientist survived him, the next CEO might bring his own favorites and he still might fire him. No, it really didnt look likely that the job would end up being something with long tenure. One might argue that I had some obligation, moral or professional, to disclose these risks. I didnt see it that way. Start-ups always had risks; hell, pretty much any company had risks these days. I rationalized that it was the candidates business to vet the prospective company and personnel. Interviews should be two-way streets, especially at this level. If Ken didnt use his interviews to get a sense of the true measure of his independence from Brian, then he wouldnt have asked the right questions or taken the full measure of the man. And who was to say that I wasnt being overly pessimistic? Perhaps Ken and Brian would hit it off, become a great team, and build the next Genentech or Amgen. My job wasnt to foresee the future. My job was to put the candidates in front of the company that had hired me and get it to hire one of them. Like a romantic matchmaker, if they ended up eventually getting a divorce or going bankrupt, that wasnt my concern, so long as it happened after my guarantee period.

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The Weight of Days To Come It also wasnt my problem if the new job caused friction in the candidates home lives. I tried not to keep track of these things, but my suspicion was that the divorce rates were higher for my relocated executives than in the normal population. A fairer comparison group would be in the executive population, but so many of them also had relocations that even they werent much of a control population. Some relocated candidates spouses didnt like the new location or their spouses new workload. Some candidates spouses stayed where they were, typically due to children in school or to nearby family, and sometimes one or both of the long distance spouses drifted into affairs that cooled or killed their marriage. Most times the children proved resilient to the new situations, but every so often Id hear about someones kid getting into drugs or other trouble after a relocation, and Id have vague feelings of guilt about it. As with divorces, though, whos to say it wouldnt have happened had their parent not taken the new job? It was out of my hands. The trouble was that I found myself thinking more about the ripples I caused in peoples lives more than I used to. Id placed a lot of executives and had a long time during which to observe their lives. The great part of my job was that I was responsible for getting people better jobs, with more money, more prestige, and more opportunity for them to make their name. Observing that over the years gave me a strong sense of accomplishment, feeling practically paternalistic over their successes. The burnouts and the failures were harder to take, and when I heard about them I tried to analyze if Id guessed wrong about their caliber, talking up a candidate who really wasnt ready for a job. In most cases Id concluded that the signs hadnt been there, that Id correctly matched qualifications to the job and theyd simply not lived up to the challenges. In a few cases I hadnt had the right candidate and had suggested a good candidate, and if it didnt work out I did feel bad. Over the years Id placed a lot of people. Many of them I liked, and most of them worked out fine. Some of them I didnt like, and a few of them I quite disliked. You cant let personal feelings interfere too much in a job like mine, but you can find ways of

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The Weight of Days To Come making sure the ones you like hear about more options and maybe get presented a little better not at the cost of throwing an assignment, but maybe tilting the odds a little. It didnt bother me when Id helped ensure a candidate I didnt like didnt get the job, but I sometimes thought about the times where I got too emotionally invested in a particular candidates success. When they didnt get chosen, or when they proved unsuccessful in the role Id placed them in, or when their personal life suffered because of that new job, well, those were the ones I thought of late at night or at times when the day was going too slowly. I always reminded myself to think of all the success stories, but it was the failures that stuck with me the most. They might be a small percentage, but Id placed enough candidates that even a small percentage meant there had been a good number of those failures. The bad outcomes in their personal lives should have been easier for me to absolve myself of, but it didnt work out that way. No candidate had ever pointed fingers at or blamed me after the fact when things turned out badly, at least not that I was aware of. Still, those were the ones I found myself thinking about in quiet times or late at night. I hoped Ken Swanson wasnt going to be one of them.

It was about two weeks later that Karen brought home a surprise. We were having dinner at home that night. She was in town mid-week, for a change, although she was headed out again in the morning. Shed even cooked dinner for us, using a new recipe shed picked up over the past few days that she was quite keen on. Shed fussed over it in the kitchen for an hour, and was quite eager to see how well I liked it. It was good, but, to be honest, I couldnt really describe what all was in it, although I was pretty sure that it involved some sort of poultry or perhaps fish. There was a lot of sauce covering it. You like it? she asked, looking at me skeptically. Great, honey, I assured her, chewing methodically. I smiled at her. Ive never had anything like it. That was true.

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She seemed pleased. It is pretty good, isnt it? We ate in the kitchen, as we usually did when we ate at the house. The kitchen was more expensively equipped than we really needed, and, I had to admit, never felt quite as homey as I might have liked. Then, again, my cooking didnt really require that level of sophistication, so perhaps it was me who didnt fit. I knew I ate better certainly healthier fare when Karen was around, and I was starting to have to worry more about what I ate. I couldnt eat like a twenty year-old any more, or even a thirty year old, and I missed those days. While we ate this more age-appropriate meal, Karen caught me up on her latest trip. Shed been to Miami and Atlanta already this week, and tomorrow was off to Dallas. I was a little surprised, and a little touched, that she hadnt gone straight to Dallas, but she explained shed had to meet her boss in the morning before heading out. How is Raj? I asked. Id known Raj Jha for even longer than Karen had, but hadnt talked to him in a few weeks, not since hed hosted a cocktail party at his house. She shrugged and smiled curiously. Same as ever. Lots of balls in the air. But juggling them well, I suspected. Id never seen him ruffled or angry, and had sometimes wondered what it might take to accomplish that. Perhaps he beat his dog behind closed doors. More likely he meditated. I told Karen about the status of my current searches, and she asked a few good questions. As I had suspected, Ken Swanson had agreed to put his name in consideration. Hed passed one phone interview, and we were finalizing a date for him to come to Indianapolis for an in-person visit. Hed casually too casually, Id judged mentioned that hed come alone the first time, and his wife could always come for a visit later in the process. It would have been better if shed have been excited enough to come this time, but I already knew Ken was going to call the shots.

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The Weight of Days To Come Karen didnt know Ken Swanson, which I thought she was slightly miffed at, but brought up the names of a couple other people she thought I should consider. I knew them both, but hadnt seen either as a fit for this job, one of them because I liked him too well and the other because I didnt like him well enough. I got a call from Tondo Halid today, she mentioned carefully as we were clearing the dishes. As usual when she cooked, clean-up was my job, although she helped out. I started rinsing the dishes off and putting things in the dishwasher. Is that so? I asked, trying for a casual tone of voice. I knew Tondo only by reputation; he was head of a big venture capital firm that focused heavily on pharma and biotech companies. What did he want? Karen took a moment before responding, neatly storing some of the leftovers in plastic containers headed for the refrigerator, although Id probably never eat them. I didnt really like leftovers, and usually threw any away while Karen was out of town. Well, hes got a job he wants to talk to me about. That surprised me. A job? What kind of job? Karen pursed her lips. A pretty good one. CMO for a pharma company hes thinking of taking a position in. Genetic medicine. CMO in this case being Chief Marketing Officer. Really, I commented neutrally. We didnt really talk long, but hes going to fly to Dallas while Im there. Well have dinner tomorrow night.

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The Weight of Days To Come Really, I said again, straightening up and looking at her. Is this something you might actually be interested in? Karen sighed and looked away for a second, then looked back at me resolutely. I dont know, she temporized. Maybe. Probably not. But like you always say it never hurts to talk, I finished for her, knowing from experience that getting someone to listen was half the battle, especially if you got them to meet about it. If Tondo was doing his own recruiting, he was pretty serious about Karen as a candidate, and he had plenty of money to throw at her. I cocked my head at her. Are you unhappy where you are? Is something going on there? She shook her head. No, of course not. Things are going great, and you know I think the world of Raj. She hesitated, and looked away, but didnt continue. Still I prompted. I felt funny holding a dish towel in my hand, so I threw it over my shoulder just for something to do with it. This wasnt a conversation I had expected or imagined, at least not for years. Karen got calls all the time from people like Tondo or me, but it had been several years before shed taken any of them seriously. At least, that had been my impression. She forced a smile and looked back at me, shrugging. Still, Ive been there a long time now. Maybe its time to do something different. It was funny. At this point in my life, different meant maybe retiring, slowing my life down. Different meant finding a relaxing hobby. Different even meant maybe not wanting to be around any more. But it did not mean a new job, with all the stress and transition it brought. Huh, I said, nodding stupidly. Where would it be? I asked this already knowing the answer wasnt going to be anywhere close to here. Karens face grew serious, but she didnt look away. San Diego, she told me.

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Chapter 9 I almost didnt recognize her at first. I went to the food court at one of the malls for lunch. I decided to get a grilled sandwich. What do you want? asked the bored teenager behind the counter. He was a young guy, maybe high school or college, with bad skin and uneven hair that made me think of the 70s. I didnt recognize him from prior visits, but the turnover at most of the fast food places was pretty high. Surprise me, I told him. That stopped him in his tracks and he gave me a closer look of annoyance. You have to pick something. He nodded his head towards the menu on the wall. I debated playing this out a little longer; had he shown any signs of a sense of humor I might have, but he was already appearing impatient. Grilled chicken, no lettuce, light mayo, and Swiss cheese, I specified. He narrowed his eyes and worked inputting my order into the computer. And fries and a drink, I added. Before he could ask, I clarified. Large fries. Id really only ordered here because of the fries; the sandwiches themselves were mediocre at best, especially the chicken. They cooked the fries fresh and whatever kind of oil and seasoning they used made them delicious, if undoubtedly unhealthy. But Karen would like that Id made some attempt to eat healthy, should she inquire. Id just mention the chicken, of course; no need to bring up the fries. After few minutes, during which I subtly kept an eye on the grill to make sure my sullen new friend didnt spit in my chicken, my food was ready. I thanked him politely for my food and found a seat in the food court, sitting off to the side but close enough to the malls concourse to have a good view of the passersby. No one took notice of me.

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The Weight of Days To Come Karen was still in Dallas, or so I assumed. She might have gone on to Houston or Phoenix, or other parts unknown; I honestly hadnt studied her itinerary very closely. Shed called after her dinner with Tondo last night, but between a long dinner and the time difference it was too late for a long conversation. Shed admitted that the conversation had been interesting, but had begged off on further details until we could talk at more length. Then Id had a text this morning indicating she had an early start and would be busy most of the day, so I figured it would be the evening before we had a chance to talk. For all I knew, though, she might have another dinner, and it might be another day or two before we had that opportunity. Normally I was used to these kinds of intermittent communications on her trips, but I thought this felt different. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she had job interviews or prospects every day, and I just never heard about them because they hadnt gone anywhere. Maybe this would be a false alarm too. Somehow, though, this felt different. I ate a couple of fries while I pondered this. It felt like her head was somewhere else. I wasnt sure if she was bored with her job, bored with living in Cary, bored with me, or maybe all three. The first two I could deal with, but I wasnt sure I could survive her getting over me. The possibility that scared me was that there was someone else. Maybe she hadnt had more time to talk because she had another man there with her. Someone, perhaps, shed met on the road. It happened, especially to people on the road so much. They might already have an established routine of comparing schedules to figure out when they could coordinate cities, then hooking up in distant hotels or airport clubs while I was sitting at home waiting for her to call. Did she think me a cuckold, despise me for not figuring out what was going on? I wondered if shed given me warning signs that Id missed, choosing not to see them because I was OK with life as it was and fearing anything that might pose change. Or maybe this was all just in my head and I was acting like a foolish kid, afraid of anyone who talked to my woman for fear shed find them better than I was. Where had this

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The Weight of Days To Come insecurity come from? It wasnt like me. Karen had never given me any reason to worry and Id never felt threatened prior to this. I shook my head in disgust. It was funny. I remembered traveling in the pre-cell phone days, when being in touch with someone meant a quick call from the airport or a hotel room. I remembered the days before answering machines, and being thrilled when those came along, as they allowed messages that might have never happened without them. Karen and I had only known each other in the cell phone era, so wed never had big issues being in touch, but during our time together Blackberries broke the mobile email barrier and texting had become the dominant form of mobile communication. Throw in mobile video and, no doubt about it, we didnt lack the technology options for essentially on-demand communication. That didnt, however, mean that communication was always good, and I thought back to the sweetness of those treasured late night hotel room phone calls. Sometimes making things easier didnt make it more valuable. The food court had a good crowd today. Maybe it was a school holiday of some sort, or maybe I was a little earlier than usual and Id hit the peak of the office worker lunch break. Whatever the reason, most of the tables were filled, and Id been lucky to have landed a table by myself. I sometimes wondered how Id react if someone wanted to sit with me, citing lack of tables elsewhere. Maybe it would be a cute young woman with a bright smile, or an attractive middle-aged divorcee interested in some companionship I had to shake my head out of that silly fantasy. In the first place, it was never going to happen. No pretty woman was going to approach me. In the second place, even if it did Id be too reserved to encourage anything improper. Face it; I was a not-even middleaged guy who was, frankly, invisible to most women and certainly to any woman more than five or ten years younger than me. The thing with Karen and this job, though, felt real. She had pretended it wasnt a big deal, but Id known her long enough to tell when she was bluffing. I didnt always, or even usually, know what cards she was holding, but I had a decent track record for knowing when she was trying to hide them from me.

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The Weight of Days To Come For all I knew, shed already accepted the damn job. Tondo could have told her it could be done from here; since she was pretty much on the road most of the time anyway the new job might not even be noticeable to me. That probably wouldnt be so bad, I had to admit, but it hurt my feelings to think that my wife might change her job without even consulting me on the decision. What made it worse yet was to think that maybe shed have taken it knowing she would have to move after all, across the country. She might feel confident that she could talk me into the move; after all, we had no family here, most of our friends lived elsewhere anyway, and my job certainly could be done from anywhere. From her perspective, if this new job, whatever it was, really was a great opportunity for her, it would be petty for me to refuse her. Still, I wanted to at least be asked. Deep down, though, what I really feared was that she might make such a move and not care if I could or might have planed that I wouldnt. She might be ready for a new life without me. If there was a lover already in place, it was no doubt someone younger, better looking, and more successful than I was. I had no evidence of any of this, of course, but somehow it didnt seem implausible. The time apart, the fleeting communications we had during those absences, and a certain distance between us even when we were together that I hadnt realized had happened until it had. Wed been like two boats on the ocean, bobbing close together and believing we were connected, but which slowly had bobbed apart until suddenly we were barely in sight of each other. In the course of this fast food lunch, surrounded by a crowd of chattering strangers, Id gone from believing I was happily married to feeling dejected that my marriage had come apart. I didnt want to move. San Diego was a hell of a nice place, and if this job was the kind of thing I thought it probably was, we probably could afford a pretty nice life there. I truly didnt have strong connections to Cary; it was nice enough, but I wasnt rooted here by anything more than habit, and that habit was only a few years old.

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The Weight of Days To Come Once upon a time I had moved several times, and had enjoyed getting to know new places. My career had had stops in Chicago, Atlanta, northern New Jersey, and Phoenix, and had enjoyed each of them. I couldnt say I liked Cary any better or worse than any of those. It was fun to get to know a new city, have new restaurants and other attractions to discover and get used to. So, in theory, moving to the San Diego area should have been all right with me. But it wasnt. I couldnt put my finger on it, but I wanted to stay here. Cary wasnt heaven on earth, not by any means, and it wasnt necessarily the place Id advise a younger person to move to. It was full of planned communities, little pockets of designed neighborhoods. They were all very nice, but hardly organic, and someone from, say, New England or Chicago might decry them as utterly lacking in character. Maybe, but at this point in my life nice went a long way, and I didnt mind the artificiality of it much at all. Karen and I hadnt gotten to the point of talking about where we might retire, aside from late at night flights of fancy about living on some tropical island, but somehow I thought wed both assumed we wouldnt be spending the rest of our lives here. Many people moved to the area, including people coming to retire, but, I now realized, wed always lived here with one foot on the floor, ready to bolt. Id moved to Cary on a whim, just to be close to Karen. All the reasons that should have made it easy to leave had made it easy to come: no roots elsewhere, a job that was mobile, and it would be where the woman I loved was. I didnt think I loved Karen any less now, nor Cary any more, yet my metaphorical foot on the floor had become stuck in place. That place, like it or not, was in Cary. The wheel of fate had gone round and had stopped on Cary. It was where I was, and the inertia of that weighted on me. I hadnt realized how firmly that inertia had rooted me until I had this notion that Karen might try to move us. I liked my life well enough here;

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The Weight of Days To Come I was comfortable living here. And somehow I had become old enough that I didnt want to disrupt that. Maybe that was the flaw that Karen had realized, coming to that conclusion before I had. Maybe she didnt feel that way, felt that she still had a move or two left in her, wanted to prove herself anew. My career was slowing down. I wasnt going to change jobs and I was unlikely to get much busier. The technological and social forces worked against what I did for a living, and I simply wasnt willing to work harder to swim against those tides. Id keep doing it for a while, but at some point in the next few years I would probably drift to ground, run out of searches and/or good candidates, and be out of business. And that would be all right with me, but I didnt think it would be with Karen. She moved at a different tempo, and it wasnt at all unreasonable that shed want to be with someone who could keep up, or at least was willing to try. I wasnt that guy, not any more, if indeed I ever had been. Hell, I used to like to travel too. I used to fly around to conferences, as a way to keep networked. I used to routinely meet with candidates in airport clubs. When I was single, I thought nothing of flying somewhere for a weekend away, just to see a new place or a fun place that I liked or had friends in. Even in the early days of our marriage I used to travel more; sometimes Id meet Karen in some of her stops, sometimes wed just take long weekends or mini-vacations away. We used her frequent flier points liberally. It was all fun, but somehow that had all dwindled down. Technology had made the business travel less essential, and the more we got settled the more I got settled in Cary, the less I found reasons to travel with Karen. Over time, our travels together lessened a vacation every year, some long weekends. Maybe it was that she traveled so much for work, maybe it was the post-9/11 securityor maybe it was me, maybe Id changed. I looked back fondly on my many trips, on our many trips, yet rather than memories they seemed like stories about the life of someone else, a younger and much different person than the person I now was. I wasnt sure how it happened, didnt necessarily like that it

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The Weight of Days To Come had happened, yet it didnt seem like anything I was prepared to do anything about. Id become rooted in place, not by choice but by happenstance. Happenstance and getting old. . Given this weight upon my conscious mind, it was not too surprising that it took me a few minutes for that mind to get the message that my subconscious mind had been sending. Somehow my gaze had settled upon a young woman eating a salad a few tables over. It should have just been random that Id let her be the center of my attention as I pondered my marriages fate. She wasnt the closest person to me, nor the prettiest young woman in the food court. Nor was her outfit particularly noteworthy. There was nothing provocative about what she was wearing, no excess skin in view. There were plenty of other more salacious candidates in view, unless my subconscious hadnt wanted to look at anything too distracting while I brooded over my wife and what had become of my life. She ate her salad very delicately, I noticed. Each forkful was precisely chosen, each bite was meticulously chewed, all with no hurry and done with a sureness that made the table manners of everyone around her looked like a bunch of sloppy two year-olds, myself included. She kept her head down, not taking in the human carnival around her. I usually ate while watching the people around me, without being blatant about it, but she seemed oblivious to everything and everyone around her. She didnt seem obsessed with her food, and, in fact, didnt seem to be taking any visible pleasure from it. Eating was more like a task, but one she was going to perform well. It was fascinating to watch her; part of me thought she moved as though she had to think carefully about every movement to make them just right, and the other part of me argued that her motions were entirely natural, that she just did everything effortlessly as a matter of course. It was an argument I had no stake in and no way of resolving, so I just watched her, fascinated. To be fair, I did think she was pretty. Not gorgeous, but definitely attractive. She had thick black hair, cut moderately short but just long enough to be held back with a hair band. Her face had clean lines, with a pert nose and a broad mouth that didnt show any

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The Weight of Days To Come amusement. It made me wonder what a smile would look like on that face, so serious that she might have been performing heart surgery. She had perfect posture, to the point it was hard to tell if she was actually tall or just sat so upright that she just looked tall. Most pretty girls know they are pretty to others. They have been conditioned from a young age that people look at them, and they take great pride in this effect, but I could detect no such awareness in her. Her world seemed to be herself, her salad, and her table, and everyone else in the mall might well have been statues for all she seemed to notice. Without realizing it, I started sketching her on my napkin, a few doodled lines quickly turning into a more realized portrait. It forced me to concentrate and to try to understand exactly what had drawn my attention to the extent she had. There was something familiar about her, and I couldnt quite put my finger on it for a long while. At first I dismissed the notion, but after watching her for a little bit I did distinctly get the feeling Id seen her before. It wasnt that unlikely; I came to the food court often, and it wasnt unreasonable to assume that I might have seen her as well before. Perhaps she worked in one of the stores in the mall. But I could just have well noticed her somewhere else in the area, and she was striking enough that Id recognized her face upon seeing her here. These things do happen, the daily coincidences that help make life surprising, and I normally would have mentally shrugged and turned my attention to other denizens of the mall, to the other pretty girls and interesting creatures around me. But I didnt; I kept watching her, and kept tinkering with my doodle. In the end it wasnt her face or her body shape that made me realize where Id seen her. Had I seen her walk I would have recognized her right away, but in relative repose it was harder to place her uniqueness. It was that economical grace in how she ate. She wasnt showing off in any way and didnt appear to care at all whether anyone was noticing her, and that made it all the more fascinating. Just watching her do this simple thing so well gave me a strange pleasure. And thats how I recognized her. It was the woman from the pool.

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Chapter 10 From where I was sitting, I could only see her in profile, just the left half of her face, and even that was looking down as she concentrated on her lunch. Id never seen her face straight on, as even at the pool I only caught glimpses of her face from the side and from afar. Still, I was sure it was her. Id seen her a few times at the pool over the past few weeks. Speculating about her had become a cottage industry between Marty, Carson, Sue, and I, with none of us having any hard facts, of course. At least we didnt gawk so obviously or at such length; wed gotten used to admiring her without being quite as blatant about it. It did give us something to talk about, and connected us in an odd sort of way. Mary didnt take part in our little huddles and pretended to not be interested in the newcomer, yet I saw her casting a few envious glances her way as well. Ever since that first time Id seen her, Id been a little more dedicated in my own efforts at the pool. A generous soul might have said she had inspired me, but I wasnt fooling myself: Id wanted to see her again, and again. It wasnt anything romantic or even lustful, I assured myself; I just was fascinated by how she moved, especially in the water. I tailored my own workout times to best match up with when she tended to be there, although sometimes I found it embarrassing to swim when she was there, because I was so awkward and floundering by comparison. I neednt have worried, though; she paid no attention to me or to any of the other swimmers. She might as well have been alone in the pool, such was her focus. That same focus, now applied to eating her meal instead of to propelling her through the water, clinched it for me. Other women might physically resemble my mermaid, but I truly believed that only she had that focus and that grace, with her careful precision of movement. I was fascinated to watch her simply put lettuce into her mouth and chew it.

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I found myself wishing she would eat even slower, to prolong the time I could watch her. I wanted to go up to her and introduce myself, but I didnt have the foggiest idea of what I might say that would be a plausible icebreaker. I dreaded making a fool of myself and risking the possibility that Id no longer be blessed to watch her at the pool either; she might think me a lecherous old man stalker and stop coming. She paid no attention to me or to anyone else in the food court, even people passing by her table. Had she looked up at these passer-bys, I might have tried to walk by as well, hoping to have her look up at me. I could give her a smile, hoping shed see something in that smile that she liked and smile in return. Id never seen her smile; in fact, Id never seen any expression other than that serious look of concentration she wore like a mask. I wondered what her smile would look like. Would it flash over her face like a burst of sunshine? Would it be as otherworldly as her swimming? Or would it seem out of place, like a clowns face on a Rodin statute? Part of me was desperate to find out, and the rest of me was terrified to learn the answer. She was perfect the way she was. It was too much to expect that she smiled or laughed as well as she concentrated. Id rather she remained a goddess of graceful serious beauty. Her meal ended too soon. There was only a finite amount of salad, after all, and presumably she had to return to work as did I, I had to remind myself. When she gathered up her things, I found myself with an unexpected desire to follow her. I knew it was creepy at best and wrong at worst, but I gobbled down a few remaining fries, gathered up the remnants of my own meal, and stood up, making sure the napkin with my small portrait was safely tucked away to add to my collection of doodles at home. I let myself drift into an innocuous path behind her, depositing my trash in the same waste receptacle she did, and followed her at a respectful twenty yards. She took no notice of me. She walked in that same way she walked from the pool to the locker room holding herself tightly, like an angel keeping her wings tucked in so no one would recognize her.

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The Weight of Days To Come It was like she was keeping a secret that only I shared, which delighted me in a curious and no doubt wildly inappropriate way. Anyone just watching her walk, without having seen her swim, would think she was just another pretty woman with long legs. They might enjoy the view, but theyd miss what made her special. I debated with myself about where she would go. She dressed nicely, albeit somewhat conservative for a woman of her age and beauty. She wore a blue skirt that was a couple inches below her knees, and a yellow long sleeved light sweater. Her shoes were flats, which added to her unpretentious walk. She could have added a couple inches to her height even with some low heels, but her shoes made it seem like she neither wanted to call attention to her height nor to make her seem at all sexy. Still, her outfit was stylish enough that it wouldnt have surprised me had she worked in a high-end clothing store in the mall. Her outfit was bright without being too bright, crisp and well tailored. She looked like a model in a high-end catalog, more LL Bean than Victorias Secret, too perfect to be normal. She gave me the impression that she never got wrinkled. Instead of returning to one of the stores, as I might have suspected, she headed towards the nearest exit, fortunately the same direction where my own car was parked. I had to hurry to keep up with her pace; my legs didnt like to move as quickly as they used to, and what for her seemed to be a leisurely stroll took some effort on my part. I headed towards my car while keeping her in view. I reached my car before she found hers. I remained standing and watched her get in a grey Accord. I hurriedly got in my car, starting it and pulling out, scanning the lot until I spotted her car. It was easier to follow her than I might have thought. Then again, to her I was just another car in the traffic, and she couldnt have been expecting anyone to be trailing her. She didnt drive far; she pulled into the parking lot of an office building in a nearby office park. I pulled into the parking lot and watched her walk into the building, enjoying the last few moments of my little surveillance session and feeling extremely silly. This was not something I was going to tell Karen about.

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There was several companies listed on the sign outside the building, and there was no telling which one she worked in. For that matter, she might work for a firm not listed on the external sign. For a half-second I thought about going inside and studying the directory, as if the list might allow me to deduce which company she worked for. I had to laugh at that point; I was being entirely ridiculous. I deserved to be thought of as an old fool. I shook my head and headed my car towards home and an afternoon of cold calls. I wondered how I could introduce myself to her.

Chapter 11 It wasnt until later that evening that Karen and I had a chance to talk at more length. Hi, honey, she sang out. Switch to video. Both our phones allowed for streaming video chat, so I changed from talk only to live video. It looked like Karen was in her hotel room, and she was still in her work outfit, although shed taken the jacket off. I had on sweatpants and a t-shirt; I wasnt expecting any more calls, and had been considering my range of entertainment options for the rest of the evening. Something on TV, a movie on-demand, poking around the Internet? If I were younger I could have killed the evening playing video games, but I had to confess that I had never really gotten into any of them, just Madden on occasion. They all seemed to require much more time, and hand-eye coordination, that I seemed to have. Perhaps when I was retired and had even more hours to fill Where are you? Still in Dallas? I asked. I had been watching a movie, which I paused when I saw it was Karen calling. The TV screen froze on Lee Marvins craggy face. Id

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The Weight of Days To Come been watching The Professionals, which was almost over. Not a great movie, but, hey Marvin, Burt Lancaster, Robert Ryan, Jack Palance whats not to like? Karen laughed. No, Im in Vegas I gave you my schedule. She raised her eyebrows at me. Dont you keep track of where I am any more? I smiled tightly, not recalling her actually having given her schedule to me, but unable to argue the point, since, if she hadnt, neither had I asked her about it. Its so hard, I temporized. Vegas, huh? Theres a conference here I wanted to network at. You should have come. There probably are lots of people you know or should meet here. She started to fuss with something in front of her, out of the cameras range, and her eyes kept glancing down. Yeah, maybe I should have, I agreed with a shrug. I wasnt sure what conference she was at. There was always a conference somewhere I could be at, and they were often in Las Vegas. Id certainly gone to my share of them over the years, especially as I had been building up my network of candidates and prospective clients. The fact was that I didnt like to travel as much anymore, and only part of that could be blamed on the TSA or the airlines efforts to crowd more people on their flights. Karen used to kid me about it, teasing me about coasting on my network, but she didnt do that so much lately. It was too true to make fun of. Listen, I dont have very long, Karen told me, shuffling some papers in front of her and returning more although I couldnt say all -- of her attention towards me. Im meeting up with some people in a few minutes. It was still early evening there. Knowing her, Karen had scheduled a couple sets of drinks, plus at least a dinner, and maybe a post-dinner meeting over cocktails. She didnt drink much, but she knew how to make her drink last while the people she was with got relaxed and sometimes a little loose (or tight, as it were). I asked if we should talk later,

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The Weight of Days To Come and wasnt surprised when she told me no, that it would be late before she got back to her room. Hey, maybe theres a magic act you could see, I offered. Yeah, right, she responded sarcastically. Or maybe a ventriloquist. We both laughed; shorthand for old jokes, told with familiarity bred by a long time together. I let my smile fade out. So this thing with Tondo. Is it for real? Karen had been expecting this, and I thought her smile was a little too practiced, a little too easy. It sounds veryintriguing, she admitted, searching for the right word while trying to temper her enthusiasm. She looked away for a second, and I frowned slightly while she wasnt looking. My face was neutral when she looked back. Intriguing how? She nodded slowly. Oh, the company is going bonkers, and this would be a key role. CMO, of course, with both sales and Marketing. Potential for great money plus great options. Plus, well you know Tondo. She smiled brighter. Hes a force of nature. He was indeed. I respected Tondo, maybe even liked what I knew about him, but he was not someone whod ever given me any business. So Ive heard, I said lightly, feeling a sense of uneasiness that I couldnt quite explain. The house suddenly seemed a little too dark and a little too quiet. I definitely was turning off the TV once we got off the phone, I vowed. After the movie. I wanted to see if Lee and Burt gave Claudia Cardinale back to her rich husband, played by Ralph Bellamy. They didnt make actors like Lee and Burt anymore; throw in Robert Mitchum and Kirk Douglas, all actors who had a real presence to them, not pretty boys like most movie stars these days. Those were guys one could imagine sitting in a bar, working on an assembly line, or taking a punch, before giving an even better one back. I liked Michael Douglas just fine, but he was a pale imitation of his dad in his prime, and hed probably be the first to admit it. They were all actors whose prime was somewhat before my time, but Id watched enough old movies on TV in my youth that they formed an idealized image of what a man should act like.

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Youll find out, she told me in a teasing tone. I didnt try to disguise my frown this time. Was she admitting shed already taken the job, changed both our lives without even talking to me? What do you mean? I asked civilly. Hes going to call you. She grinned broadly. My frown came back in force. Hes going to call me? What for? Youll see, she assured me. She seemed to be enjoying my confusion. She glanced down at her watch ostentatiously, although I was sure she knew exactly what time it was. Ill tell him tonight to call you. Say, nine tomorrow morning?

True to Karens promise, Tondo called at nine sharp the next morning. Id been swimming already, wanting to make sure my brain had plenty of oxygen for our conversation. Hello, Marc, Tondo started the conversation cheerfully. May I call you Marc? He had a slight accent, and always sounded full of energy. I wasnt sure where in the world he physically was at the moment, but glumly thought that, even if it was four in the morning where he was he would still sound more chipper than I did. If I can call you Tondo, I suggested, and he agreed with a laugh. Good to hear from you. Karen told you I would be calling, yes? he confirmed. Karen had texted me later the prior evening to confirm that he would be calling at her suggested time, signing off with a long string of xoxos. Yes, she did. How have you

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The Weight of Days To Come been? We made small talk for the smallest polite amount of time before Tondo shifted into a more formal mode. Karen has told you about the job she and I discussed, yes? She told me a little about it, I clarified, but she kind of left it to you to fill in the details. What can I do for you, Tondo? I found myself wanting to make a joke about his name, perhaps involving Tonto, but I didnt feel on comfortable ground doing so and I wasnt sure hed get the cultural reference anyway. He laughed cheerfully. Ahh, leave it to Karen to create a little mystery. He laughed again, enjoying the joke more than I did. Tondo Halid was very well known in the industry. He was what one might call a serial entrepreneur. He was about my age, but hed founded and subsequently sold several very successful companies. He didnt have Warren Buffet kind of money, but he hadnt needed to work since he was in his thirties. Nonetheless, he stayed busy, leading a very successful venture capital firm that had made him even more money. Tondo was smallish and stout, with an ever-present smile, judging by his photographs. I didnt recall offhand when Id first come across his name or when I first tried to contact him although I could have checked my database for details if I needed to but Id at least been aware of him for most of the last twenty years. Rumor had it that people found him impenetrable, behind that smile and forceful good nature. The proof was in the eating; he had never hired me for an assignment in all those years, nor took any of my periodic calls. Id almost stopped trying. He continued. So, Marc, I have a very exciting job in a very interesting company. So I gathered. Yes, yes. I think Karen would be perfect to head up our sales, marketing, and business development.

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The Weight of Days To Come I see. How can I help you? Are you looking for me to talk Karen into it? I made a little laugh at that. Tondo ignored the humor. That would be most excellent, Marc, but Karen had another suggestion. Now I was really confused. Whats that? I asked slowly. Karen said she would consider the job, but taking it would, unfortunately, require relocation to the San Diego area, he explained, with a small tone of regret about that inconvenience. She was not sure how you might feel about that, and told me her decision would require more discussion with you on the matter. Well, thank you for that, Karen, I thought to myself. Yet, of course, we hadnt had such a conversation. Maybe he wanted to get to me first to let me know what a great thing it would be for her. OK, Im still not sure why youre telling me all this, Tondo. It sounds like Karen and I need to have more discussion about it. Tondo sighed. Yes, yes, of course. I can see your confusion. You see, Karen was not entirely sure she would take the position, and thought you might be able to assist me. Now I truly was lost. Was he going to bribe me to talk Karen into taking the job? If so, what would he be willing to offer? More to the point, I found myself wondering what would it take to make me willing to try? Assist you how? Well, Marc, in the event Karen does not take the position, I would be disappointed but I would still need to fill the position. It was Karens thought that you could be my contingency plan, as it were.

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The Weight of Days To Come It dawned on me why Tondo was calling. You want to hire me to find other candidates for the job? It was a good thing we werent using video, because the surprised smile on my face would have given him a lot of bargaining position on my fee. Yes, indeed, Marc. I wish to hire you, he confirmed solemnly. And, Marc if you did manage to talk Karen into accepting the position, I would be willing to still pay your fee. So you see, you win either way.

Chapter 12 She was at the pool the next morning. I got there after she was already in the pool, and I stood at the end of the pool for a couple minutes just watching her. Honestly, I could have stayed there for as long as she was in the water, but I thought that would be too strange. With a sigh, I put my stuff by the wall, waved at Sue, got in the water, pulled my goggles on, and started my workout. As I swam, I was mindful of her presence three lanes over. Every once in a while Id catch a glimpse of her taking a stroke, pushing off from a turn, and so on. She was much faster than I was, and it was hard enough to concentrate on my own swimming as it was, so those occasional sightings of her threw me off. I swam for my usual forty-five minutes, perhaps working a little harder than usual out of unconscious pressure about her much faster efforts, and finally stopped at the end of the pool to catch my breath. She was still swimming, grinding her laps out methodically and with no apparent effort, although she had to have been feeling it. I watched her do several more laps, feeling stupid just standing there in the water, but it was fascinating. I felt silly even calling what I did swimming, compared to her. What she did was more like gliding in the water, more like the natural setting for an aquatic creature, not a human

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The Weight of Days To Come being. Wed supposedly evolved away from the sea and lost that kind of grace, but evidently some humans hadnt, and she was one of those special ones. While I was still marveling at her, she finished up. She took her goggles off, wiped the water from her hair with a hand, then smoothly hoisted herself out of the water. She walked over to a chair by the wall, picked up her towel, and quickly dried off. She wrapped the towel around her shoulders and slipped on her sandals, then set off for the locker room, moving quickly without appearing to hurry in the least. I took the opportunity to finally get out of the water, not escaping the water as gracefully as she had; fortunately, she paid me no mind. Marty was bobbing at the edge of the pool, watching everyone else, but I made my excuses and didnt let him slow my departure. I similarly quickly toweled off and went to the mens locker room, where I took a quick shower and changed into some dry clothes, all the while calculating the time in my head and trying to decide if I was ahead or behind her. I figured shed take longer to get ready than I did, assuming she got ready for work here instead of going home. I knew that might not be a valid assumption on my part, but just in case I stopped at the caf. Coffee, I asked the cute young woman behind the counter, who looked too young to serve anything alcoholic, not that it would have mattered. Her nametag said she was Brandi. Id seen her before, but she didnt seem to recognize me, which didnt stop her from giving me a dazzling smile. She was blond and in terribly good shape, as were all the people who worked at the club, walking advertisements for the club, as if being associated with it would translate into their youth and vitality. Judging from me and many other members, that was false advertising. How about a latte or a cappuccino? Brandi suggested, going for the upsell. Maybe a juice blend?

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The Weight of Days To Come No, thank you, I told her with a smile. But I will have one of those cinnamon rolls. They had plenty of muffins, whole grain breads, oatmeal parfaits and the like, but stocked a few unhealthy but delicious items like the cinnamon rolls for the slackers like me. She sighed as if disappointed in me but gave a conspiratorial wink at me. They are good, she confirmed sotto voce. I gave her my club card so she could swipe it, and proceeded to get my coffee and roll. Enjoy! she encouraged me brightly, which I assured her I would. I took them over to a small table from which I could see the lobby, intending to watch for my new idol. Id spent most of the prior day working on my new assignment. Tondo had told me to call Patrick Farrell, who was the President of the new company, which they were calling AD DX; I figured the first priority for Karen or whomever took that job would be to change the name. Patrick and I had talked for almost two hours late in the morning, as he filled me in about the company, their niche, what he and Tondo saw for the job, and various other things I needed to know in order to develop my job specifications. So, he had asked eagerly, do you think your wife will take the job? Were really hoping she will. Id told him the truth that I didnt really know, but I was going to try to find him some other good candidates so hed have some options. Yes, well, I still hope your wife will take it, he had responded skeptically. Tondo told me a lot of good things about her. Hed tried to pitch me about how much wed like living out there and Id had to cut him off, pointing out that I knew all that and would make sure it was part of the story all the candidates got. I picked out a small table with a good view of the locker room exits and the lobby, and sent Karen a text: Survived being healthy. Id never really gotten into or learned many texting abbreviations, and had to admit I treated texts more as short emails than true texts. As I drank my coffee, keeping my eyes open for my mystery swimmer to walk out into the lobby, I thought more about moving. Cary had pretty good weather sure, it got hot

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The Weight of Days To Come in the summer, and sometimes got a little actual winter weather, but it really was pretty good. San Diego, of course, was the land of sunshine and pleasant weather, plus the ocean. Much better college basketball in the Raleigh-Durham area, of course, but none of the schools was my alma mater so it wasnt that important to me. Of course, San Diego sometimes had mudslides and fires, and someday would slide into the ocean after an earthquake, but, hey, nothing was perfect. The job actually did sound like a great opportunity. If half of what Tondo and Patrick had told me panned out and it was unlikely that more than half of their plans would actually pan out then people on the ground floor could very well get rich, at least fuck you kind of money. It would be a lot of work, and a lot of travel, of course, but the candidates Id recommend would find nothing new in that. And, of course, the travel wouldnt be anything new for Karen. The cinnamon roll was indeed very good, with plenty of gooey icing. There was a steady flow of other gym members at the counter, most of them getting their treats to go. Some of the men stopped to flirt with Brandi; she played her part, acting pleasantly surprised by their attentions but not quite showing enough in return to get her in trouble. I wondered how often guys were persistent enough to ask her out anyway, and how often that was successful. Id never have the nerve, I knew. Maybe once upon a time, but probably not even then. These days I was definitely too old, too out of practice, and too used to being married. I thought about the possibility that Karen might take this job and head off without me, either outright leaving me or pretending that wed carry on long distance. Then Id be on the market, maybe feel the need to take shots at obviously inappropriate women like Brandi. I didnt like the prospect. Karen texted back: Me 2. Miss u. So I replied that I missed her, and suggested we talk later, to which she almost immediately replied sure! I wondered when that would be.

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The Weight of Days To Come I almost missed my target. I was facing the lobby, but I was distracted by my own worries, and had stopped paying much attention to it. Id started doodling while I was having my coffee, just some lines at first, which gradually morphed into the front desk of the lobby and gradually expanded to include Rick at the desk a couple of gym members passing through. When I happened to glance over, there she was, at the cafs counter. Shed changed into a business suit, although she was carrying the jacket. Her skirt was again just below her knees, and she wasnt wearing hose, something I only deduced because she was wearing dressy sandals. She had a large bag slung over her should that presumably carried her gear. I kicked myself for not having seen her walk up, nor heard her voice when she ordered. She waited patiently at the counter, stepping aside so the person behind her could order. No small talk for her. She was facing away from me, and I could only catch the slightest edge of her profile. But it was her, I was sure. There was her height, of course, but she wasnt the only tall woman in the world or even at this gym. No, it was the unique way she held herself outside the water, like a superhero trying to disguise her powers by acting ordinary and overdoing it just by a hair. I knew shed just worked out, yet she looked as perfectly put together as if she had teams of stylists working on her for hours. Karen could learn a few things from her, I thought darkly. She was oblivious to me and the few other patrons in the caf. She picked up her coffee which may have been the latte or cappuccino that Brandi had wanted me to order, and turned to walk out. In passing, her eyes swept mine, and I felt kind of an electric shock when, just for a millisecond, our eyes met. If she paused, it was done too quickly for me to notice, and she walked out of the caf and through the lobby. I watched her leave, and modified my doodle to include her striding purposefully through the lobby. What I didnt realize until Id gotten home and looked again at the drawing was that Id drawn her expression as being somewhat apprehensive.

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Chapter 13 The next two weeks passed quickly. If someone had asked me at the beginning of that period, Id have thought it likely that the time would have brought major changes to my life. From experience I knew that once these things start happening, they happened quickly, like a snowball rolling downhill faster and faster. Id assumed that within those two weeks Karen and I would have talked about Tondos job, and that shed decide to go. Shed be leaving our life here, and it was an open question to me as to whether shed be leaving our marriage as well. At best, shed ask me to move with her and Id somehow agree, forcing major disruptions that would steamroll my life. At worst, Id be left behind, literally and emotionally. Either way, Id expected a tumultuous couple of weeks. None of that happened. Karen proved to not be ready to make a decision, or to talk much about the opportunity. Sure Im interested, she admitted when she got home for the weekend and I had a chance to corner her. Its flattering that Tondo wants me, and it sounds like a great opportunity. But? Shed smiled at me in a way that suggested I was being nave. But I think theyre not quite sure they know what they want yet. Shed patted my arm reassuringly. I figured I better wait until you get through your process. Then well see what the job really is and if Im the right person for it. Karen never doubted her abilities, so Id figured what she really meant was she wasnt sure Tondo and Patrick were really ready to take AD DX places shed want to go.

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The Weight of Days To Come In fact, it had proved very difficult to pin them down on various aspects of the job. It took me a week to get a job description that they were satisfied with, which was long for me. Every time Id press Patrick on something hed fumble with his response, say he had to talk to Tondo, and then it would take some time for one of them to get back to me. It appeared they were still working out organizational structures, target markets, amount of stock options, and staffing plans, all of which my candidates were going to be interested in. Had this been my first search I would have just drafted something generic and trolled my candidate list for some people to throw at them, but Id learned from painful experience that the more specific I was, the more serious prospects would be about the job and the higher caliber theyd be. So I kept prodding Patrick and Tondo until I had a version I felt satisfied talking to people about. Karen had read my final position description, of course, and had laughed. So thats how they describe it now? She was on the phone at the time, but I could picture her shaking her head in amusement. Im glad I waited. By the end of the second week Id talked to several potential candidates, and had passed on two names for Patrick to consider. I always tried to not send too many options, as at some point it becomes counterproductive and makes decisions more difficult. I also tried not to get emotionally attached to any particular candidate, as Id learned my customers didnt always share my enthusiasms. I didnt always know why people didnt get chosen, either for interviews or for the actual job. Those decisions sometimes came down to personal chemistry or other factors that were anything but objective. Still, I had to admit that Karen matched up as well as anyone Id thought of for the job, which weighed on me. I started to wonder if Tondos goal in hiring me was to find someone else to take the job, or to convince myself she was the best candidate. He was that kind of devious.

I managed to get to the gym ten times over those two weeks, which was a little above average for me. I told myself it was just how things happened, but Id be lying if I didnt admit that when I was there I felt a surge of excitement if I saw my mystery swimmer

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The Weight of Days To Come there as well. As it happened, she overlapped with me seven out of those ten times, not that I was keeping count. I got into the habit of getting coffee and something to eat after my swims if I finished before she did, to the point Brandi or her coworker Tony started to recognize me and tried to anticipate my order before I had time to make it. They always pretended to be disappointed that I wanted plain coffee, and teased me whenever I wanted the cinnamon roll instead of a scone or a muffin. It was kind of fun to joke around with them, making me feel as though they liked me. Of course, the fact that they worked for tips wasnt lost on me, and I had to admit that my tips reflected my gratitude that I wasnt invisible to them. She didnt always stop at the caf, but after that first time I saw her three times there. She always got dressed for work, in a manner I might call elegant but for the fact that term implied a desire for attention that she did not display. Other women just looked too casual compared to her, even when they were trying to dress professionally, yet on her it didnt come across as stuffy or overdressed. She dressed as though she lived on a planet where everyone was like her, and hadnt realized she was now living in a sloppier world. I observed that she never bantered with Brandi or Tony. She smiled cursorily at them, and they her, but she was very no-nonsense about her order. I rationalized that she was always recovering from her workout, or mentally preparing for her long day ahead, but other caf patrons could cite the same reasons yet still managed to be charmed by Brandis good looks and by Tonys infectious good humor. Shed gradually become aware of my presence, in the way that a gazelle might spot a lurking cheetah. She wouldnt look at me directly that would be too obvious and might spur a response from me. As long as I didnt make a move she would behave normally, but I had the sense that she was prepared to bolt on a moments notice. I tried to not obviously pay any more attention to her than to anyone else, but when she was in the immediate area I was very much aware of her every move.

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The Weight of Days To Come Id have been better at this in my single days. I was never what anyone would call a player, but I had my fair share, and maybe then some, of girlfriends. After my divorce, in my thirties, it seemed like women were falling across my path at every opportunity. It wasnt any special talent, and certainly not great looks, it was just that time of life when dating was easy. Sure, most of my girlfriends hadnt really been people I ever saw getting married to, but a couple of them were, and the fact that it hadnt turned out that way was bad luck, bad timing, or stupidity on my part. I supposed Id been in love with a few of my former girlfriends and not necessarily the ones I could have been married to but my understanding of being in love changed when I met Karen. Fortunately, she felt the same, or close enough. I married well, thank goodness, but when I looked back I couldnt say that none of the women Id been involved with wouldnt have made good wives either and called it love too. My life probably would have had a much different trajectory in that case, and it didnt really bear much thinking about what those might have looked like. It was nostalgic to look back sometimes, to marvel at the good times Id stumbled across during that period, but right now it made me feel stupid while I sat and kept an eye out for one particular young woman, a woman who was not only ageinappropriate but also someone I had no intentions toward. I was a toothless old lion who liked to watch the gazelles run. This one sure ran pretty. I was always struck by the dichotomy between her in the water and her on land. In the water she was the lion, if you will; totally comfortable with herself, the top of the food chain, completely natural and graceful in her every move. Out in the real world, out here on land, she was a little stilted truly, like a fish out of water. Or someone used to heavier gravity and having to move carefully to not bound away. There was nothing special about the occasion when I spoke to her for the first time. I was at my table with my coffee and scone, surreptitiously watching her order some coffee. Something about her seemed even more precarious than usual. I didnt know why. Maybe she was having boyfriend trouble or was facing too much stress at work. Maybe it was her time of the month. Maybe she was just tired. Whatever the reason, the expression on her face was, today, not her standard guarded look but downright paranoid.

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The Weight of Days To Come If anything, that should have made me more wary, but it had the opposite effect. I felt for her; I wanted to make her feel better. As she started to leave the caf she had to pass within a few feet of my table, and I blurted out, Youre really a wonderful swimmer. At first I was afraid it hadnt registered with her, or that she assumed someone else was being addressed. Somehow she worked it out in her head, replaying the tape to screen out the various scenarios, and evidently concluding that she was, indeed, the recipient of the compliment. Instead of ignoring me or rushing away without dignifying my unwanted comment, she surprised me by pausing and looking over at me. Excuse me? she asked cautiously. Having her look at me, actually meet my eyes, see me, was electric. Her eyes were dark and, in some indefinable way, deep; I felt like I was falling into them as she gave me her full attention, if only briefly. They were watchful, but guarded; there was something behind them, something smart, something, mysterious and perhaps frightened, that made me want to get past her reserve. I almost wasnt able to respond, and had to quickly regain enough of my wits to respond. I watched you swim today, I clarified. Actually, Ive seen you several times now. Youre the best swimmer Ive ever seen. She looked at me uneasily, shifting her weight without realizing she was doing it. Her face showed no reaction at first, as if I was speaking a foreign language that she had to process and translate. Oh. Thank you, she responded at last, sounding very formal. She thought for a moment, perhaps gauging what kind of further response might be expected from her. I think Ive seen you a few times too. I had to hide my surprise. Im nothing to see, I demurred, smiling at the joke of my swimming prowess, or lack thereof. I just try to stay afloat. You, on the other hand, look like you belong in the water. I broadened my smile, trying to get across the idea that I was at worst harmless and perhaps even friendly.

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The Weight of Days To Come She didnt smile in return. She might have furrowed her brow slightly as she processed my comments. Well. Thank you, I guess. She looked away, as if checking to see if anyone was paying attention to our exchange, which I suspected Brandi was. Or maybe she was simply measuring how far to the door to the parking lot. She looked back at me, her expression neutral again. Just keep working at it and youll get better. I probably should have been insulted by her comment. I was never going to get any better. Id been swimming a long time, and this was as good as my aging body was going to perform. But I nodded at her advice with a serious expression anyway. She looked almost longingly out towards the lobby, and then back at me decisively. I have to go now, she announced curtly. Without waiting for my response, she headed out, and I didnt think it was my imagination that her stride was quicker than usual. I watched her until she was out of sight in the parking lot. She never looked back. When my attention came back to the caf, I noticed Brandi was regarding me with a bemused look. It looks like you have a new friend.

Chapter 14 Trevor and I had arranged to have lunch, at The Pit in the Warehouse District. I didnt usually have much occasion to go to downtown Raleigh, but Trevors office was downtown and he had proposed The Pit, knowing I was a sucker for good barbeque. The place was busy, but Trevor had arranged for a good table by a window, and I arrived before he did. The clientele was well-to-do; a lot of businessmen, some ladies who lunch, a few wellheeled tourist types. Maybe some of them were job candidates getting the tour from prospective employers or from people like me. While I waited for Trevor I looked around the room to see if I could spot the ones there looking for a job, and thought Id

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The Weight of Days To Come identified at least two tables where some professional pursuing was going on. I hadnt been at the table long before I spotted Trevor coming in. He waved and headed in my direction. Id cleaned up a little slacks, a shirt with a collar, and a sports jacket but Trevor effortlessly topped me, looking elegant in an expensive suit. He took a quick inventory of the room as he walked up to the table, checking to see whom he knew and if there was anyone he needed to say hello to. He stopped briefly at a couple tables before reaching ours, exchanging greetings and firm handshakes or pats on the shoulder with people he knew. What, you were meeting with bankers? I said as he took his seat, indicating his suit. He pretended to brush something off his lapel. This old thing? he protested modestly. Trevor explained that he was serving on a Governors Task Force on Competitiveness. These days I spend more time on this kind of stuff and on Boards of non-profits than I do at Aeson, he told me with a bemused expression. Ah, hell, Laura likes going to all the fund raisers, getting all dressed up and hobnobbing. It gets damned expensive, though once you are on a Board the pleading never stops. He shook his head in amusement. Shit, Trevor, what do you care youve got more money than God, I teased him. Hell, Im not even the richest guy in my development, he protested with a smile. But I do all right, I guess. He gave my clothes a once-over. Looks like today would be a good day for some video calls, eh? We broke off our fashion bantering as the young, pretty waitress came by for our drink order. Her nametag claimed she was Emily; she was blonde, curvy, and cheerful. Trevor sighed and ordered an iced tea, while I asked for a diet soda. He watched her as she

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The Weight of Days To Come walked away. I dont know which I miss more flirting with pretty waitresses or having a drink at lunch. I knew what he meant; those days were long gone now. At least you can still look at the waitress, I noted, watching her myself. I suspected she knew wed watch her, and she walked with good effect, a sway to her hips. It was a nice view. No harm in looking, he agreed, turning back towards me and smiling. If you drank I could take a sip, but, no, you have to be healthy today. He sighed and made a sad face. Yeah, your life is pretty tough, I said, picking up the menu to scan it. He noticed that and told me to put it down, we knew what we were having. When Emily returned with our drinks, Trevor told her he wanted a salad, and she gave him an odd look but smiled gamely. He laughed. Just busting your chops, Emily. Ill have the half rack. And some fried okra. Her face brightened in relief, and I added my order of a pulled pork sandwich, with some collard greens, the latter a habit Id picked up living in Cary. She smiled at us and said theyd be right up. Apparently she didnt need to write anything down. We watched her walk away and munched on some delicious hush puppies. Anyway, he said. Glad you could make it. Things busy? Not too bad, I admitted. Its been busier, but its been slower. I shrugged. It is what it is. Trevor watched me closely. He didnt miss much, and hed known me a long time. Uhhuh. You all right with that?

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The Weight of Days To Come I looked out the window to buy some time before replying. I took a breath and played with my glass. I guess so. I know what I need to do to get more business, and I could do more, but I dont seem to be. I shrugged again. I thought for a moment about the prospects of sudden death here. This food was the right kind to kick off a heart attack, but as far as I knew my heart was good for another couple of decades. Armed robbers could burst in this was a fairly affluent crowd, after all but they might find the patrons were better armed than they were, which made it a less likely target. So I wasnt likely to get caught in a crossfire. There was always the chance of food poisoning, but The Pit had a pretty good reputation on that score. I supposed it wasnt likely that Trevor had suggested it on that basis, but The Pit was not someplace I was likely to meet an early demise. At least the food was good. Trevor nodded, and used an extra half-second to scan the room again. I know the feeling, he agreed in a voice that sounded almost weary. Were getting old. It came out wearier than Id intended, although still not as weary as I felt at that moment. He gave me a wan smile. Some days more than others. Today is not so bad, he said, gesturing at his suit. I inferred from that that he still enjoyed the wheeling and dealing and having other businesspeople take him seriously. You should start another company, Trevor, I suggested sincerely. He pursed his lips briefly. Maybe. Maybe I will. He drank some of his tea. Ah, heres sweet Emily with our food, he announced grandly, giving her an appreciative smile. She served us each with a flourish and an even bigger smile, and I found myself straightening up slightly and hoping nothing was caught in my teeth. We all good here? she inquired.

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The Weight of Days To Come Wed be better if you could join us, darling, Trevor told her gallantly, but in a way that let her know that, while wed be thrilled if she accepted, we werent expecting it. I marveled at the subtlety of how he managed that distinction, and Emily took a second to smile with genuine amusement at his skill. I rolled my eyes and told her to just ignore him, that he didnt see many pretty girls in the asylum, which made her smile impishly. She patted him on the shoulder. If only I could, handsome, if only I could. She took her hand away and left us to our food. Now theres a girl who knows how to get tips, I proclaimed. We both laughed, and got to the work if you could call it that of attacking our food. After a decent interval and a few wipes of our napkins, we came up for air. I asked after his kids. It was funny; Id known his children longer than his current wife, and I sometimes wondered what they thought about her. They had to know that his second marriage meant less inheritance for them, but maybe they didnt care. Hopefully they didnt let their feelings for their mother cloud seeing how happy Trevor was with Laura. Jason was successful at Aeson, of course. His daughter Maggie was finishing up a surgical residency at Duke. Trevors youngest child, Phillip, was finishing his Ph.D. in archeology at Harvard. Jason and Maggie took after their father in terms of their laserlike focus, and there never had been any doubt theyd end up financially successful. Phil was the odd kid out. He was very bright and outgoing, but had never cared much about money. Hed had several different majors, and had started out his graduate studies in anthropology, before discovering archeology. Trevor had given up worrying about how Phil was going to make a living, after hed seen the joy in Phils face as he described some of his digs. It seemed impossible to me that Id known Trevor so long, that an entire generation had grown up in the meantime. We didnt seem old enough that it could be true, but the facts of the matter said otherwise. I didnt have my own kids, but Id seen lots of friends kids grow up and start leading their lives. When they are little you think theyll always be little, and at each moment when they are growing up it seems to pass so slowly, then in

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The Weight of Days To Come the blink of an eye they are out of college and wondering who this old guy that their parents know is. Or they remember you but feel sorry for your advanced age, certain that your life has nothing of value for them. The trips, the concerts, the professional accomplishments that you might have had to them all that was just the past, and not many young people enjoy hearing about old peoples pasts. When I was around my friends kids Id learned to be polite, to listen to them brag, and to try to keep away from them, huddling with the other envious and ignored adults. I was never quite sure why Trevor and I were friends. Id worked with him on one of my first searches, and wed sort of hit it off. My move to Cary had roughly coincided with his moving here to start Aeson, so he and his ex-wife and Karen and I bonded further as we got to know the area. Trevor wasnt the richest guy I knew, or even with whom I was friendly, but he was the richest one I was actually friends with. I had to admit that I always had the uneasy sense that I was kind of a pet project for him, that he thought of himself as somewhat of a mentor to me, or an uncle. He had a lot more money and possessions than I did, but he never put on airs about it. He treated having money like he treated being tall or being bright both of which he was i.e., something he was entitled to, except in the case of money hadnt been born with it. Hed made every dime he had. I couldnt have said it was exactly an equal relationship, but somehow it worked. I liked to think that I was one of the few people who wasnt afraid to tease him about things, and I liked him for not thinking he was above that. Trevor couldnt resist showing me photos on his phone of Jasons son, his only grandchild. He beamed like only a grandparent could as he showed me the photos. I had no children of my own, of course, and two nieces and one nephew were all raised at a suitable distance, so children werent my forte, especially babies. But I knew how to make appropriate noises when confronted with baby pictures or stories of offsprings academic or athletic accomplishments, much as I might read phonetic flashcards to say greetings in a foreign language. You can make the sounds without actually understanding what they mean.

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Cute kid, I admitted, which at least was the truth. Jasons wife was gorgeous, and about the same age as Laura, which always had seemed strange to me but which Trevor and Jason didnt seem to mind. Trevor and I had an unspoken agreement not to bring up his ex-wife, so I asked him how Laura was doing. Fine, fine, Trevor said, and took a drink. He glanced out the window. Shes somewhere spending money. What, at least you can take comfort in the fact that, whatever she buys, shell look good in it. He looked at me with barely disguised pride. Yes, that does soften the sting. She is worth it. Things still good? I asked tentatively. It was an oddly personal question, and as soon as the words were out of mouth I had to wonder where it had come from. What if he said no? Was I really prepared for some sort of confession? He peered at me closely, as if trying to discern some ulterior motive, but evidently didnt find anything to be suspicious of. He shrugged. Yeah. Sure. Shes great, he assured me, then paused. I wouldnt mind working more. He seemed slightly chagrined at this confession. Not this Board or Commission work, I mean actually getting something done. I thought about how I had the opposite problem, but didnt offer that nugget up. Laura doesnt like you to work? Trevor polished off the last of his ribs regretfully, licking the final bone. Delicious, he noted absently. He looked up. She says she wants me to do what makes me happy, and I believe her.

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But He nodded. Im not sure how wed do if I spent a lot more time and attention away from her for too long. Are you jealous? I asked, fearful that there was some problem in this May-December, or perhaps May-October, romance. Do you have some reason He waved his hand to dismiss the notion. No, no, nothing like that. Besides, I have a great prenup; if she cheated, it would cost her a lot of money, and Laura is no fool when it comes to money. He grinned at the ridiculousness of the idea that Laura might cheat on him. Glad to hear, although I like to think its because you guys are in love, not because of the prenup. Oh, yeah, absolutely, he agreed. He leaned forward. The thing is, I like to be around her too. Its like, I dont know its like I bought a great sports car and I just want to drive it. So to speak, I added, and we both laughed. Theres that too, he bragged, his eyes lively at the memories, or the prospect. Its the first time Ive ever wanted to spend time with someone instead of working; well, as much time, anyway. I didnt even do that for my kids, sad to say. You were a good father, I assured him. Your kids think the world of you, and theyve turned out great. Just look at Jason hes a chip off the old block. Trevor smiled with pride at this. I sat back. Its funny Karen was worried you might be getting bored with Laura.

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Trevor looked puzzled at this. She did? Why would she think that? I think shes just generally skeptical of rich guys with young wives. She figures its a habit that hard to break. Well, ask me in fifteen or twenty years, he suggested with a sly smile. When Laura is getting a little older. Laura will be pushing you around in a wheelchair then, I teased. The hell with that, he exclaimed. If I need a wheelchair, Im hiring a pretty, young nurse to push me! He roared with laugher and I joined him, to the point a people at a couple adjoining tables looked over. He calmed down. Tell Karen not to worry. I assured him I would, and signaled Emily for the check. She came by, tried to pitch us on dessert especially the banana pudding or after-dinner drinks, but we demurred. Trevor tried to grab the check but we ended up each giving her a credit card. Emily seemed amused by the attention, no doubt hoping wed each try to outbid the other for her appreciation by leaving the more generous tip. Speaking of Karen, Trevor said after hed signed his credit card receipt. How is she? Where is she? Karen is fine, I told him, trying to estimate how much of a tip he was leaving. Id played poker with Trevor but rarely had been able to gauge his hand. I just settled for a thirty percent tip and hope Emily would think of me kindly. I hate to say it, but Im not exactly sure where she is. I think today is Chicago. Or Milwaukee. Somewhere in the Midwest.

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The Weight of Days To Come Uh-huh, Trevor noted, eying me carefully. It ever bother you, her being on the road so much? I took a breath before answering, and he noticed the hesitation. It never used to, I said almost wistfully. Ive always been proud of Karen and her career. And its not like the travel is anything new she was doing this when I met her. Now it was Trevors turn to press. His eyes got more intent. But I exhaled softly. I dont know. Maybe I worry she likes being away more than she likes being with me. Maybe I worry Im ready to slow our life down and she still wants to go full tilt. Maybe I worry Im getting old and shes still got it. I smiled, embarrassed at having said all that. Until then, Id only thought those things, in isolated moments. Saying them out loud was scary, like it could make them real. Trevor watched me closely. He nodded sympathetically. Youre not so old, he told me, which I thought was gracious because I was only a few years younger than he was, but for all I knew at his age those years meant a lot. He gave me a knowing smile that didnt quite invade leer territory, but certainly encroached. Youre just missing the old days, when we both were rascals. To be honest, I was never that much of a rascal, but there had been a few times Trevor and I had been together before I met Karen and before Trevor started Aeson when wed had some pretty good times together. Off the top of my head, I remembered a conference in Las Vegas when we hit the casinos pretty hard, another in Los Angeles when wed blown off the meetings to hit a few clubs with some friends of his, and a strip club outing in New York that his then-wife would not have been happy about. Trevor knew how to party, and I made a decent wingman. I smiled at the memory. You were the rascal. I was just an innocent bystander.

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The Weight of Days To Come Tell that to that dancer in Las Vegas, he retorted, a twinkle in his eye. Im pretty sure shed have married you, or at least had your baby. That was when she thought I was rich. She was hot, though, wasnt she? Smoking, he confirmed emphatically. What was her name? Trevor might have had more experience with strippers err, exotic dancers than I did because I had no trouble either picturing my closest encounter with one, or her name. Chelsea, I reminded him wistfully. Chelsea, Trevor repeated, savoring the sound and the memory it evidently invoked in both of us. He gave me a knowing look. And the nice thing is, you know gravity wouldnt have much effect on herassets. Ah, well, I said philosophically. Im happy with who I ended up with, and I think youre lucky to have Laura. Definitely. I was quiet for a minute, thinking a little more about old times. Trevor watched me carefully. I guess we had our times, didnt we? I asked. Seems like a long time ago. Trevor smiled. It does. These are pretty good times too, you know. I know, I murmured, looking down. And theres nothing wrong with wanting to stop now and smell some roses, or with wanting your wife to be there to smell them with you. Nothing wrong with that at all.

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The Weight of Days To Come I looked up at Trevor, knowing him well enough to know he was getting at something. But Trevor shook his head. From what I see, Karen still loves you. Who wouldnt? he asked expansively. Then he leaned in closer, and he had his serious face on, his business face. But I dont see that woman slowing down. Not now, not even for you. She reminds me of me. He smiled in satisfaction at the thought. Oh, great, I said, trying to have it come off as humorous but falling flat. Now I have to worry about her dumping me for a trophy husband. A toy-boy. Trevor looked at me gravely. Id start with at least paying attention to what city shes in. He raised his hands, palm up, as if to apologize for delivering the bad news.

Chapter 15 Karen got back from her latest trip Friday evening. Hello, lover, she cooed on the phone. I just landed. What are you doing? As it happened, I was on my computer writing up progress reports on my active searches. Ken Swanson had visited Indianapolis a few days ago, and had even talked his wife into coming out for the weekend. Hed told me the visit had been productive, both in terms of meeting with the leadership of the company and his impressions of the town. My wife didnt hate it as much as she thought she would, hed reported. I translated that to spouse considering in my report to my client. Another candidate was there and was also planning to spend the weekend. He reported an hour or so ago that it had been a grueling but stimulating day, sounding charged up about it, and Id promised to give him some feedback from the people hed met with sometime in the next couple days. His wife was flying in in the morning. He promised to call me Monday. Between the two of

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The Weight of Days To Come them, I thought Ken was the better fit, and hed been a hit with the client, but the spouse question made him a bit chancey. Id made progress on the search for Tondo and Patrick, identifying five strong or semistrong non-Karen candidates, which Id been sending off tonight. Id keep pursuing other leads, of course, but I hoped theyd find a couple of these worth meeting with. I was a little afraid theyd want to meet with all five, which would tell me they were floundering about what they were looking for. Working, my dear what else would I be doing while youre away, I told her. Want me to come pick you up? Nah, Ive got a car service already set up, she assured me. Home in thirty minutes or so. Did you have dinner already? I told her I hadnt, that I was waiting for her to get home. We talked about meeting someplace or going out after she got home, but in the end we decided to order in, which I was assigned to. I picked an Italian place we liked that had some nice pasta dishes. I ordered Karen some chicken and linguini, while I stuck with a basic spaghetti and meatballs. I threw in an order of garlic bread too, since their bread was the best thing about the place. Karen had barely arrived and brought her suitcase in the house before the food arrived. Let me change first, she shouted down from the bedroom. I set up the food in the family room, which was where we spent most of our waking hours together, what few of them there were. I liked the family room; it was comfortable, had a great television, and at least had some artwork I liked. The chairs werent too bad either. I thought of it as our room, which I couldnt say about many other rooms. The rest of the house, save for my study, were really Karens rooms, done to her tastes. They were a little too bright and a little too modern for my tastes; I always felt like I was in a model home in them. I always had the sense that she wasnt particularly attached to most of our furniture and

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The Weight of Days To Come furnishings. She liked nice things, and liked shopping for them, but had no qualms about replacing any particular pieces. She didnt have many sentimental favorites. I did. Id fought, and shed relented, for keeping my study the way I wanted. The desk, couch, and television before Id upgraded it -- had come from my old house, as had my books, pictures, and a couple prints Id accumulated over the years. The study didnt look like any other room in the house, yet it was where I felt most comfortable and where I spent the most time. Karen rarely went in it. Finally Karen appeared, looking cool and collected in shorts and a long-sleeved top. You look great, I told her sincerely. How about a kiss? I kissed you when I got home, she noted, not objecting to a second kiss but wanting it for the record that she hadnt failed in her wifely duties. She made flirty eyes at me and sighed theatrically. Oh, all right. She put her arms out and I came over for a longer, more fun kiss than the perfunctory greeting wed shared earlier. Now, thats what Im talking about, I enthused when we broke. We used to kiss a lot. A lot. She was good at it, as was I, if I do say so myself. When we first got together we could barely keep our hands or lips off each other. Theres nothing like a first kiss, people say, but all of those young love kisses were pretty special. It was a time when you first are getting to know your lovers preferences, their body and how and what it responds to. Surely the bodys hormones are going crazy, matching up with the pheromones or whatever caused people to fall in love, or at least be physically attracted. It changes, over time. The kisses can stay sweet, but sweet was a whole different thing. Kisses like this one were a reminder of times past, and, I still liked to think, a promise of things possibly to come. Karen grinned at me. Good thing we did that before we had some of that garlic bread I smell, she said with a smile. Speaking of which, Im famished. Lets eat.

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The next morning we both went to the gym, although I took to the pool and she worked on the machines. I didnt ask Karen why she chose to come along to the gym instead of working out at home, as I was glad for her company. I was tempted to watch her workout for a while, and bask in the pride that this attractive woman was my wife, but I dutifully went down to the pool for my own workout. I didnt see my mystery swimmer at the pool, which made me feel both disappointed and relieved. Somehow seeing her when Karen was around seemed wrong, although I had nothing to feel guilty about. Karen would no doubt admire her form, but Id have a harder time explaining my ongoing fascination about it. Marty was thrilled to know Karen was actually in the building, although he made no special effort to leave the pool in order to meet her, or even to see what she looked like. It was like she was a mental construct for him, with physical proximity a new variable. He urged me to pass along his greetings, assuming correctly that Karen was familiar with my swimming cronies. When I was toweling off after my swim, Carson came wandering in. He stopped by. Hey, I heard your wife is in the gym, he said, and I had no doubt hed gotten that information from Marty. What does she look like? I thought that was an odd question, and asked him why he wanted to know. He momentarily looked chagrined, and hurried to explain that hed come with his wife. I thought I might have seen her working out when I dropped Adele off. Somewhat mollified, I briefly described Karen, and Carsons head started nodding. Yeah, I think I saw her. He looked at me quizzically. Shes your wife? Is she your age? Roughly, I admitted proudly.

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The Weight of Days To Come Carson nodded thoughtfully. Wow, she looks younger than that. That left me wondering if he thought I looked older than Karen, or if he thought I looked younger than my age too. Carson didnt clarify. I thanked him politely on Karens behalf. He looked curiously at me. She travels a lot, right? I confirmed that, wondering where Carson was going with this whole conversation. He whistled softly. Man, a woman that good looking must be a lot of guys hitting on her on the road. I gave him a look. Gee, thanks for that thought, Carson, I told him snidely. I trust Karen. He raised his hands. Hey, I didnt mean anything by it. Its just that I used to be on the road a lot too, and, well I enjoyed it. He gave me a knowing look. How good for you. Carson shook his head somewhat sadly. Once I got married Adele made me cut back on the travel. Way back. She doesnt trust you? I asked, taking the opportunity for a little dig. I wasnt sure why. He gave me a sly look, and shrugged. You know, guys will be guys, especially out on the road. Attractive women get pursued and nowadays some of them do the pursing. He paused, thinking back to his own time on the road, and evidently there were some fond memories there. It gets lonely after a while, you know. His tone was different, not bragging, just a little sad.

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The Weight of Days To Come I didnt say anything, but I was starting to get annoyed. I had a hard time picturing Karen feeling lonely, but not quite as hard a time imagining her tempted. Carson finally figured out that I might be offended by this line of conversation. Hey, hey, he said hurriedly. I dont mean your wife. Carson realized hed not get out of that particular conversational hole, and quickly made his excuses to get to his workout. I finished drying off, went to the locker room to put on my sweatpants and a t-shirt, and wandered up to the room with the machines. Karen was cranking away on an elliptical, and I stopped to admire her objectively. She did look good, especially in her workout clothes. I was proud to be married to her, lucky to have her. Then I thought about how even better shed look to some lonely traveler in the hotels exercise room, and suddenly got a chill.

After we got home and cleaned up each in our own bathrooms, as usual we had some breakfast while reading the papers; me the physical version, her on her iPad. Later in the morning we ran some errands, had lunch out, and got home around two. Just a typical Saturday. On the drive home I remembered Carsons comments. Hey, you got noticed at the gym, I said as we drove back. That attracted her attention from checking emails on her phone. She looked up and gave me a smile. Hows that? I briefly described how Carson had asked about her once hed found out she was there. Once I described you, he remembered seeing you. Did he now? Karen asked, sounding pleased. What did he remember?

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Well, I started, giving her a quick glance. Just the fact that he remembered you out of all the women who must have been there says something. Maybe he just has a good memory, she replied, starting to lose interest and turning back to her emails. He did say you looked younger than he thought my wife would, and that you were good looking. That got her attention back. She gave me a satisfied look. Thats nice. Anything else? If you mean, did he compliment you on any particular body parts, no, he wasnt that specific, I noted. I paused a second, trying to decide if I should share the rest of Carsons thoughts. I decided that I had nothing to be worried about. He thought that attractive women like you must get hit on all the time on the road, and that its easy to give in to temptation. I looked over and flashed her a quick smile. Karen didnt react immediately. She continued to look at me after Id turned my attention back to the wheel. You run into all kinds of things on the road, she said at last, looking straight ahead. You learn how to deal with it. I should hope so. I hoped my tone came out light and unconcerned rather than worried. I couldnt read her smile.

How about a fashion show? Karen suggested once we got home. Several packages had arrived for her while shed been gone. Karen could find things to shop for just about anywhere she was, but she was a little bit of a fashion snob and tended to buy clothes while on her trips. She had favorite stores in several cities, but Dallas, LA, San Francisco and, of course, New York tended to be her favorite. Shed hit Dallas and San Francisco

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The Weight of Days To Come this trip and had tweaked her itinerary enough to allow some shopping time, and these packages were the end results. Shed undoubtedly not only negotiated a better price with the merchants, but had also arranged for quick tailoring and express shipping as part of the purchase. Then again, they knew a repeat customer when they had one. Sure, darling, I agreed amiably. I settled down in the easy chair we had in our bedroom while she took the packages to her walk-in closet. No peeking till Im ready, she warned me from the closet. Im sitting right here, I called back. I started checking email on my phone while she started fiddling with the packages and deciding what to try on first. It took fifteen minutes or so before she appeared in the first outfit. It was a grey pantsuit, the jacket cropped short and squared off. She had on a frilly white blouse underneath the jacket. Very Hilary Clintonish, I teased her with a straight face. You have a better butt, though. She made a face at me while she checked herself out in the mirror from several angles. Seriously, hon, it looks great, I clarified. It doesnt look too mannish? she asked, not ceasing her own inspection. It would take more than that to make you look mannish, I told her gravely and with utter sincerity. She ceased the poses, took one last look, and went back to the closet for a few more minutes. She reappeared in another suit, this one dark greenish and with a skirt instead of the pants. Green? You dont have a lot of green suits, do you?

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The Weight of Days To Come She stopped posing in front of the mirror and used it to make eye contact with me. Its teal, dummy, she corrected me. She turned both ways, trying to see how it looked from different angles. What do you think? Id give you the business, I promised her. Whatever that business was. Yeah, but youre a pushover, she reminded me mildly without her eyes leaving her reflection. She pursed her lips, and made some silent decision. She headed back to the closet. How many more of those do you have? I asked, more out of curiosity than boredom. She told me she only had a couple, but if I didnt want to watch I didnt have to stay. I assured her that she had my rapt attention, and a few minutes later she reappeared in a dress. It hugged her contours fairly well, and ended a couple inches above her knees. There was a scoop neck that didnt show any cleavage but showed off her upper chest to good advantage. I thought it was not quite as fancy as a cocktail dress but a little dressier than standard business attire. She looked great. Wow, I remarked, leaning forward a little. Thats some dress. She preened in front of the mirror, checking herself out and looking fairly satisfied with the results. You think its too much? Too much what? I asked innocently. She looked at herself in the mirror from several angles. I mean, I dont want to start any riots or anything if I wear this. She stopped posing and looked at me with a smirk. Well, I suppose there might be a small riot, I allowed, but thats the risk you always run.

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The Weight of Days To Come She looked at me with that amused smile, and I had no real idea what she was thinking. I wouldnt have minded knowing, but I was happy just looking at my beautiful wife in her lovely dress with that smile on her face. I could have stayed there indefinitely. She came to a decision. Wait here, she commanded. Just one more. I sat there wondering what might be next in the fashion parade. Maybe slacks and a jacket, maybe slacks and a top. I didnt know what other options there were. She reemerged, pausing in the bathroom door. She put an arm up on the doorframe and extended one leg. She was wearing just a bra and panties. The bra was black, frilly, virtually see-through, and seemed to be combating gravity slightly. The bikini panties matched the bra. Karen looked fantastic. Her legs were always well toned; shed demonstrated why at the gym earlier. She didnt have six-pack abs, but her stomach was firm and had just the right womanly curve. And, of course, Id always been a big fan of her breasts, which had never looked better. Karen looked at me expectantly. It took me a second or two to unswallow my tongue. Is that new too? She arched her back slightly, enhancing the view. She raised her eyebrows at me. Maybe. You like? Well, Im not sure itd be good on planes, but aside from that She came over to the chair and poured herself into my lap, putting her arms around my neck. This one is just for you, darling, she told me in a throaty voice. She looked me in the eyes. Should I keep it?

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The Weight of Days To Come I was having a hard time maintaining eye contact; there was so much else I wanted to see. I suspect you can tell how much I like it, I responded hoarsely, knowing she could feel my erection and savoring her weight upon it. She smiled triumphantly. Kiss me, then. We kissed there for a few minutes, and I let my hands run over her smooth skin in all the bare places. I got goose bumps touching her, and I had the distinct sense she was enjoying it as well. After that, we moved with unspoken agreement to the bed. I wished I could have dramatically lifted her up and carried her there, but, well, I was starting from a bad position and I needed to save my strength for what came next. She helped me strip my clothes off with great abandon, while I helped her remove the bra and panties before we jumped under the sheets. We took our time making love. I loved making love with Karen, even after all these years. I loved touching her, everywhere, and she loved being touched, almost as much as she loved touching. She made soft, urgent moaning sounds that eventually transformed into outward screams of pleasure, and every noise she made just incited me more. I kept thinking to myself how no one would believe this woman was in her upper fifties. Her skin was soft and tender, but she was firm in the places they should be. I used my hands, then my mouth, and she came twice before we consummated the act. It didnt take long for me to come. Yikes, I exclaimed contently afterward, holding her in my arms. Double yikes. Where did that come from? I wanted to see if you missed me, she said coyly. Whats your conclusion? I asked, stroking her back. She smiled at me and kissed me quickly. I think so, yes. Did you miss me? I asked her.

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She looked me in the eyes. What do you think? I tried to have a serious look on my face, but doubted I was entirely successful. I think parts of you most definitely did, I temporized. And corresponding parts of me certainly missedthe corresponding parts of you just as much. We both started laughing, and held each other closer. I started trying to remember the last time wed made love. It hadnt been the prior weekend, and I thought it might not have even been the one before that. Could it have been as long as a month ago, I wondered. Gee, why dont we do this more often? I wondered aloud, as much to myself as to her. I thought you were getting too old for sex, old man, she responded with mock seriousness. You know, your heart and all. Plus the ED. I was joking, of course, but it made me sad that our sex life wasnt what it once was. We had a mutual comfort that time brings couples, and usually I could tell myself that the comfort and long-time familiarity made up for the loss of passion, but at times like this I didnt feel that way. I missed the passionate younger lovers we once were, missed the heat we used to bring. The fashion show was something Karen would have done when we first got involved, when Id have been enthralled anytime she even changed her clothes. Now I let her change on her own in her closet, and it came out of the blue when she was feeling frisky like this. I thanked my heavens that I hadnt stupidly missed the opportunity. Well, she replied contently, rolling away from me slightly. I didnt see any evidence of that, thank goodness. She leaned over to kiss me, starting out tender but growing into something more passionate. We finally broke it off. Im all sticky, she complained, sitting up. I enjoyed the view of her naked breasts, gamely fighting the years and doing a damned impressive job of it. I need to take a shower.

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The Weight of Days To Come She stood up and started towards the bathroom. She stopped after a couple feet and looked back, appearing pleased to have my rapt attention. Want to join me?

Chapter 16 I wished I could have reported that the rest of the weekend was equally as loving and sensual, but that didnt prove to be the case. We went out for dinner, watched a movie on-demand, and tumbled into bed half-asleep. It was always hard to agree on a movie. My taste in movies skewed even older than my taste in music; I was a big fan of movies from the thirties, forties and fifties, although classics from the sixties and seventies were welcome too. Karen would watch them tolerantly but without interest, especially if they were in black and white, so when I was with her I usually picked something current that I thought would interest her, and saved my classics for my times alone in the house. Given Karens travel schedule, that wasnt much of an imposition. On Sunday we had a quiet day as well; I didnt even leave the house. I watched football in the afternoon while Karen worked in her home office, catching up on paperwork and whatnot. She cooked dinner for us salmon, risotto, stir-fried veggies and it was delicious. We talked in the casual way long time couples do, nothing of particular importance and with periods of comfortable silence. Before I knew it, the weekend was over and I said goodbye to her Monday morning as she set off on another road trip. I should be back Thursday night, she announced cheerfully, giving me a perfunctory kiss that might as well have been on the cheek. Probably. I watched her drive off, feeling oddly wistful about her departure. When her car quickly was out of sight it felt like she was already someplace far away. I sighed and got in my car, headed for the gym, where I swam hard for an hour. I didnt even stop in the caf

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The Weight of Days To Come afterwards, although that might have had something to do with the fact I hadnt seen my swimmer doing her workout. I had plenty of work to do. I spent a couple hours catching up on emails and updating my database. This used to be a purely professional activity, tracking who had had what changes in their careers, but more recently Id found myself investing more emotion into it. The promotions of candidates Id worked with made me feel proud, unless they were in jobs I hadnt helped place them in, which made me feel disappointed that somehow theyd moved on without me. Promotions of people whod hired me once inspired me to follow-up with them, ostensibly to offer congratulations while really reminding them of the availability of my services. These days I often measured my interest by how long it had been since theyd hired me, with my pleasure in their advancement inversely related to how recently theyd hired me. A hungrier businessman might have redoubled efforts on the ones whod be ignoring me lately, but more and more I seemed to be writing them off. I felt sad when I heard about people Id placed or worked with getting fired or downsized. To some extent that had always been true, of course, if one could call my professional interest in their new availability sadness, but these days I felt connected to these kinds of people much more than by the advancing ones. It seemed like there were more of them, for one thing, and they hit me harder. There were certainly more of them than I could place, especially these days, and some of them had damaged their careers in ways that made it possible Id never be able to even present them as a candidate again. Most of the time the damage hadnt come from a job Id placed them in, fortunately, but sometimes that happened too and I felt especially awful about that. Lately Id become more focused on the people retiring. These were candidates I could no longer offer up, and people no longer in a position to hire my services, so either way it was a loss for what I did. Every time I came across one of their names I felt my livelihood was just that little bit more diminished. Ten years ago, maybe even five years ago, that didnt happen there were fewer of them, and when it had happened Id just

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The Weight of Days To Come worked all that much harder to replace them with new blood. These days I felt more like the kid with his finger in the dike; nothing I could do would hold back the flood. My career was drowning, and it made me more sad than scared. Ken Swanson called in the late morning to check in. Have you heard anything from them? he asked. Not yet, I told him. They had another candidate there late last week and he and his wife spent the weekend, but I havent heard from him yet either. I probably shouldnt have told him that much, but I liked to let candidates have some idea where things stood. He asked where the other candidate was from, no doubt wondering who it was and if his relocation would be less problematic than his own, but I had to draw the line at that. It was too small a world and he might be able to figure out who his competition was if he knew where he was from. Im working on my wife, he assured me. Its tough for her to think about leaving Seattle but she didnt hate Indianapolis as much as she thought she would. So I keep telling her what a great opportunity it is, and how we could have a great life there. His voice sounded confident, but there was something in his tone that sounded faintly desperate, as though he was working hard to convince himself of what he was saying. At this point I wasnt even sure if Ken was their top candidate. Id know more when I heard more about how the other candidate had done, and I had another possibility waiting in the wings just in case neither really excited them. They might have preferred I give them her at the same time, but Id come across her after Ken and the other candidate had already been scheduled, so I simply was trying to avoid muddying the waters. Professional discretion, learned from painful experiences of clients dithering from too many good choices. I could imagine those conversations with Kens wife; her trying to be supportive, yet wary about uprooting their lives and resettling in a very mid-western city two thousand miles away. They might not have realized it yet, but Kens career was

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The Weight of Days To Come likely going to mean a relo at some point, and Indianapolis was better than some of the future options might be. We talked for a few more minutes, and I had the feeling he was really trying to rearm himself with more ammunition he could use to bolster his case with his wife. So I reminded him what good people hed be working with, how strong the prospects for the company were, and some of the nice feature of Indianapolis that my research had pointed to. and theres Broad Ripple, I finished, citing one of the older and relatively hipper neighborhoods. Yeah, we had lunch there last Sunday, he confirmed. Near that little canal. He brought up a couple other neighborhoods theyd toured. I couldnt really add much to the descriptions Id sent him, having never seen them myself, so I mostly listened and offered reassuring words when he paused for a response. It was a conversation Id had hundreds of times before, and Id learned that nothing I might say was going to really matter. Either the candidate fell in love with the job and didnt mind the location, or they didnt, in which case it wouldnt matter. Ken was coming to love the potential of the new job, and it might not matter if his wife liked Indianapolis. If he was offered the job, shed just have to decide if she wanted to be with him there, or not at all. I found myself wondering if Karen was at that stage about the job with AD DX. We wrapped it up, with Ken thanking me profusely, although exactly for what, I wasnt sure.

I drove to the mall to have lunch, needing a break. On the highway I thought about driving into an embankment. Dying in the car always seemed like a good way to go. After all, if I died in the house, that would be pretty awful for Karen. It would be messy, hard to clean up, and maybe impossible for her to get used to. I pictured her walking past whatever room Id died in, remembering finding my dead body there. Oh, and dying it in the house meant she probably would be the one who would find my body, probably

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The Weight of Days To Come only after several days. My body would be doing what dead bodies do left on their own, and attracting all sorts of flies and maggots and such. I had images of me laying there with my blood and guts scattered everywhere although I was not clear on how that would happen -- and Karen coming home to find the scene. Such a mess. It wouldnt be fair to her. Plus, it would make it harder for her to sell the house. Dying in the car, on the other hand, meant trained professionals would most likely find and deal with the body. Maybe a stray passerby would be the first on the scene, but such a Good Samaritan probably had some morbid curiosity anyway, so I didnt feel too bad about their exposure to the gore. It could happen a bunch of ways. A texting teenager could drift into my lane, forcing me into the aforementioned embankment. A sleepy trucker might lose control and slam head-on into me. I didnt want to hurt anyone else, of course, so if another vehicle was involved I hoped theyd done something to deserve it. Cars made it easy due to the physics involved. Force equals mass times acceleration, after all, both of which my speeding car would have in good abundance. The only flaw in the plan, as best I could tell, was that there was no guarantee of death. I might hit something at an angle that would help shear the force, and airbags nowadays are pretty good. I could end up not dead but just badly injured, maybe even paralyzed. I could find myself in agonizing pain, having to wait for the rescue squad to cut me out. Then Id face days, weeks, even months in the hospital and rehab, suffering through multiple operations and still ending up in constant pain, even from ghost limbs that Id have lost. My face would probably be scarred and misshapen. All in all, mothers would probably steer small children away from me so that the sight of my pitiful body wouldnt scare them, or so that the bolder of those children wouldnt make hurtful comments within earshot.

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The Weight of Days To Come Poor Karen would have to play the martyred wife, sticking by my side through all the setbacks and disappointments. She might have to quit her job, get a job that allowed her to stay closer to home in order to take care of me. Shed try to be a good soldier, but life with a poor cripple wasnt what shed signed up for. No one could blame her for becoming unhappy, having affairs with healthy men, and gradually falling out of love with me. Shed be too noble to actually leave me, but that didnt mean she couldnt withdraw from me emotionally. I could end up in a nursing home, to which her visits would just get shorter and shorter, less often. Pretty bleak all way around. A car rocked by me on the highway going at least eighty. Asshole! I shouted. Didnt he know how dangerous that was? I hated stupid drivers in the way I hate rude behavior generally. It never failed to warm my heart when people did little acts of driving kindness, like stopping to let pedestrians cross in the crosswalk, or letting other drivers switch lanes in front of them on a crowded road. It usually gave me hope for humanity, just as drivers not doing those kinds of actions made me despair for it. It was ironic how the very type of driver I thought I was hoping for inspired such negative feelings when I had a near-encounter with one. No, crashing in the car might not be the ideal solution, I concluded glumly. I needed to be sure that whatever I did would do the job, quickly and with a minimum of fuss and muss, and without anyone else suffering collateral damage, deserved or not. Scratch the car crash, just as Id already disregarded lots of other options. I pulled into the parking lot near the malls food court, and walked in. I scanned the usual array of choices and decided pizza sounded good. I ordered two slices of pepperoni. Would you like a side salad or breadsticks with that? the guy behind the counter gamely offered. I think the two slices are probably enough, I suggested; the slices here were pretty good sized. I thanked him for his suggestion and did let him talk me into a large soft drink as a consolation.

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The Weight of Days To Come I found a table off to the side and settled in. The pizza was fairly decent. Sure, maybe aficionados from New York or Chicago would disdain this homogenized version, but for me it was fine. The sauce was tasty, the crust was doughy, and the pepperoni was spicy without being obnoxious. As I chewed, I scanned the crowd. There were the usual suspects lots of young mothers with small children, scattered older couples or small groups of women, some teenagers who looked like they should be in school, and a few businesspeople taking their lunch breaks. Nothing out of the ordinary. I found myself thinking back to the weekend. Working for myself, in my own home, didnt lend itself to much whining about having to go back to work on Monday. There wasnt much line between work and home, mind you, but I never had to worry about being a corporate drone in an oppressive office. But this weekend had been a good one. Saturday had been a good day, a great day. Id been with Karen, wed been close and loving and wed had a good time together. If Id died in my sleep Saturday night, well, I would have died satisfied, with a smile on my face. Some might say Id have died too young, with lots more good days ahead, but there was never a guarantee of those kinds of days. Maybe ending on a high note was as good an out as I could count on. Sunday had been a good day as well, and it would have been fine with me to die overnight Sunday night too, but it wasnt quite as good as Saturday. My feeling was, there was no need to be greedy. If I got a great day, even a pretty good day, thatd be a good time to cash in my chips, rather than bet on ever-diminishing odds of it happening again. Of course, I glumly thought to myself as I picked at my pizza, that still left the mechanism of my death unclear. It was too bad humans didnt come with some sort of mental off switch, so we could call it quits whenever we wanted to. If humanity had that kind of kill-switch, though, we probably never would have made it out of the savannahs of Africa; everyone might just quit when things got too tough. Still, Id put in my time, weathered enough storms, that it didnt seem too much to want to be able to go quietly at a time of my choosing.

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It took a few scans of the crowd before I realized that, for a change, someone was watching me, or at least scanning me in return. I noticed first out of the corner of my eye, using that primitive awareness of potential predators to recognize that something was interested in me. I didnt abruptly look over, not wanting to startle whomever it was into looking away. Instead, I took a couple of bites, chewed them as casually as I could, and slowly looked around the food court. I didnt catch anyone watching me, but I didnt really expect to; I anticipated that the watcher would see my head turning and break off their surveillance. I was just trying to identify anyone who might be the one, who looked like they were trying too hard to not be looking at me. I didnt immediately spot such a stalker, so I went back to eating my pizza, only to have my hackles rise again with the sensation I was being watched. So I took another unhurried look around the food court, this time focusing on the right side of the food court, where my impression of the watching was coming from. Once again, I didnt see anyone displaying any overt behavior; everyone seemed to be ignoring me as a matter of course. Still, there was something on the edge of my consciousness screaming at me that I wasnt just imagining the whole thing. The pattern recognition circuits took a while to kick in. For one thing, she was sitting at a table facing me, with her head down. Playing the scene backwards in my head, I was pretty sure that she hadnt walked up and sat down while I was eating; she must have already been there when I arrived. So all I had to go on was the top of a head to go on. With time, it was enough. I kept looking at her until she risked raising her head to look at me, assuming I was back to my own meal. Our eyes met, hers widening in surprise at being caught, and I could tell she very nearly bolted in alarm. But she didnt, and looked at me with no expression. It was my swimmer, out of her element.

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The Weight of Days To Come Chapter 17 We held the gaze for a few seconds, while I tried to decide on an appropriate response. Too eager might scare her away, too cool might kill any chance I had of establishing contact, something I wasnt entirely sure I wanted but didnt want to lose either. In the end I nodded gravely at her, suggesting that we did, indeed, know each other but without indicating any presumed closeness that I knew I couldnt claim. She didnt respond to the nod, and I forced myself to tear my gaze away and return to my pizza. I was dying to know how she was responding perhaps she had recognized me and was walking towards me but did my best to pretend I was cool about the whole thing. Once Id finished my slices I risked a quick glance over at her. She was back to eating her own meal, and no longer seemed to be watching me. I carefully gathered up the remains of my meal, noting with amusement that Id doodled on a napkin while Id been checking out my surroundings and eating my pizza. I looked at it for a second, and decided to keep it. I picked up my tray, deposited my trash in a container on my way towards her, noticing that shed picked up on my movements and was watching me warily. On the way over I stopped to pick up a pacifier that a screaming infant had thrown on the floor, and handed it back to the very stressed looking mother. She muttered a distracted thank you, quickly wiped it off with a napkin, and stuck it back in the infants demanding mouth, momentarily silencing him. If only all problems were so easily solved, I thought. I approached the swimmers table with as much deference as I could. I had to admit I tried to hold myself more upright than usual, and made sure I held in my gut a little. I couldnt hide my age but I could try to disguise at least mildly. She looked at me with no expression other than mild wariness, like a pretty girl expecting an unwelcome advance by a stranger. She was hidden again behind those guarded eyes, watching but not revealing anything.

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The Weight of Days To Come Excuse me, I started, not realizing until Id done it that I bowed slightly. My name is Marc. Weve seen each other at the pool, at the gym, and we talked once at the caf there. I smiled as non-threatenly as I could. For some reason it was very important to me that she not think I was trying to pick her up. She considered this as she looked at me carefully. I wasnt sure if she was trying to remember whether shed ever seen me, or whether that mattered. In the end her face allowed a small smile. A very small smile, as a concession to civility. Yes, of course. Her voice was quiet and careful, like she was used to not speaking too loudly. It thrilled me nonetheless. I think I told you this before, but you are a wonderful swimmer, I told her earnestly. I havent quite decided if watching you encourages me to do better or discourages me, because I know Ill never be anywhere near as good as you are. She looked down at her table modestly, shaking her head, then looked back up at me. It shouldnt matter. You just do what you can do. Besides, youre one of the better swimmers Ive seen there. You shouldnt feel bad. I realized that this was, perhaps, damning with faint praise, but I took the compliment anyway. The important thing was that she had noticed me swimming and it didnt seem I was comically bad to her, although part of me realized she might just have been being polite. The bar was set fairly low in my little swim group, after all. I stood there awkwardly; having established contact, I wasnt sure what to do next. She wasnt inviting me to sit down, nor was she doing anything to prolong the conversation. I was about ready to take the progress Id made as victory and slink off when she spoke. Whats that? She nodded towards the napkin in my hand. Id forgotten that I was still holding it, and for the life of my I couldnt have explained why I hadnt folded it up and put it in my pocket. Oh, its nothing, I replied, feeling embarrassed. I folded it in half and stuffed into my pocket.

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You take napkins home? she asked, and I felt the creep factor threatening to rise. I realized that letting her think I was some sort of food court scavenger was probably worse than admitting the truth. Um. Yeah. I wrote something on it, and I wanted to take it home. Well, almost admit the truth. She looked at me skeptically. She could have let it go at that, but for some reason she didnt let it go. It didnt really look like writing. It looked like something else. Did it? I said stupidly in response. I exhaled heavily, caught. I sort of like to doodle. This was just a little something I did while I was eating. I didnt unfold the napkin, just held it at my side as mute evidence of my silly habit. She looked at the napkin, then up at me. Could I see it? I wasnt expecting this. Karen was one of the few people whod seen my efforts. She had seen quite a few of my doodles over the years, but usually just ones Id done in her presence. She didnt go out of her way to ask to see ones Id done otherwise. I supposed I could have refused, but I failed to see a graceful way to do it. Its not very good, I warned her. Just a stupid little thing. She held out her hand towards me, and I somewhat reluctantly placed it in her hand. She unfolded it carefully. She studied it carefully. Id done it while I had that sense that I was being watched. The doodle had started out as some lines, which had gradually grown into a thicket of sorts, with a variety of shapes that might have been branches or vines. What made it kind of interesting was that hidden in the thicket were several sets of eyes and largely obscured faces, blended into the camouflage the thicket created. It was kind of like one of those drawings in Highlights for Kids, where various shapes are hidden in the picture and children are supposed to spot

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The Weight of Days To Come them. I hadnt spent a lot of time on this, so didnt have anything very elaborate, but it was cute enough that I had taken it with me rather than throwing it away. She finally looked up at me, and her face brightened in an amused smile. It wasnt a big smile she seemed hesitant to let her amusement show through but it was there and I liked it. Its really funny, she declared. I almost didnt see the people watching. Im not sure theyre all people, I noted ominously. That took her aback, and she looked back at the drawing for a couple more seconds. I see what you mean, she allowed gravely. She looked at me quizzically with those bottomless eyes. Does it mean anything? I thought about blowing her off and telling her it was just random, but something made me tell her the truth. Its kind of funny. I had a feeling I was being watched, so I guess I started doing this. That feeling is what caused me to notice you sitting here. She flashed that small smile again, just briefly. I guess I was watching you. You looked familiar, but I couldnt quite place you. Perhaps if Id been wearing my swimsuit, I suggested impishly. I wondered how that image appeared to her; hideous, or not bad, for my age? And what age did she imagine that to be? Her mouth twitched as she couldnt quite hide the smile. Perhaps, but I think you might have looked out of place here. She looked at me more appraisingly, and her eyes seemed somewhat less guarded. Not as much as one might hope, I noted, nodding at a table of teenagers not too far away, who appeared to be having a competition about the amount of skin they dared show. It took her a second to get my tiny joke, and if I hadnt been watching closely I might have missed the small sign of amusement that her eyes revealed. I thought about

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The Weight of Days To Come saying something about how she looked in her swimsuit, like how no one here would have complained had she worn it to the food court, but it only took me a millisecond to realize that I would more than cross the line with that. I decided discretion was called for now. Well, I better be going. She nodded, her face serious again. She looked at me and I had the sense she was making a decision about me. I found myself wondering what she was thinking, and hoped it was good. It was stupid and possibly inappropriate, and there was no reason to wish for it, but I wanted her to like me. She came to her decision. She extended her hand towards me. Im Robyn. Robyn Beardsley, she told me, sounding like this was a fact she usually disclosed only with great reluctance. Then she flashed that quick smile, so fast I almost missed it. Robyn, with a y, Im Marc, with a c, I told her, and again it took her a second to decide that this time I wasnt kidding. Marc Wheeler. We shook hands on it.

Chapter 18 The next couple weeks were oddly satisfying. I made good progress on Tondos search. I scheduled three very strong candidates with Patrick and Tondo. One of them was Adam Silvester, who wasnt exactly an enemy of Karens but couldnt really be called a friend either. Theyd competed against each other on a number of occasions over the years, but each had also been in the position of selling to the other at times as well, and in at least one situation had joined forces. I knew that Karen regarded him with respect, and made sure she brought her A-game whenever he was involved. Still, Id never worked with him. Hed always turned down the opportunities Id presented to him in the past, for whatever reason bad timing, wrong job, whatever. I had never thought it was personal, but my being married to Karen probably hadnt helped.

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In fact, it almost became an issue in this case. After Id outlined the job and hed had a chance to read over the job description, we talked and I sensed he was fairly lukewarm about it. Our conversation had been drawing to a close when he casually asked why Karen wasnt interested in it. I somewhat flippantly replied, Who says shes not? Now, normally I never reveal the identify of other candidates, especially when two of them knew each other so well, so I cant really explain why Id tried to joke about it. Well, Adam wasnt a great salesperson for nothing; he read into my tone something I hadnt meant to reveal, and things changed. I see, hed said thoughtfully. After a pause, he surprised me by telling me, yes, hed very much like to be considered for the position. Of course, once I passed along his information to Patrick and Tondo they didnt waste any time before they urged me to set up a meeting as soon as possible. I was probably savoring this triumph when I talked to Karen later that same evening. She was calling from Atlanta. Shed closed a big sale and was in fine spirits. After telling me about her victory, embellishing on the last minute maneuvers she had to pull off in order to make the deal, she eventually asked after my day. I was carried along by her enthusiasm, and perhaps felt a little competitive, so I told her Id had some good success too. I then made the mistake of telling her about Adam. This was not something I should have done, of course, and normally never would have done, but I was probably showing off a little bit. There was silence on her side for a couple of seconds. Adam Silvester, she asked carefully. Hes interested in the AD DX job? I confirmed that not only was he interested, but that Tondo and Patrick had immediately requested a meeting, which I was working on and expected within the week. This caused another thoughtful silence. Huh, she said at last. Is he unhappy where he is? I told her that, as far as I knew, he wasnt unhappy, but he liked what he heard about the job. By then enough warning bells were going off in my head that I thought I better not

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The Weight of Days To Come mention the reaction that her name had caused in his opinion about the job. Maybe shed be flattered that he took even a sign of possible interest from her as validation of the job, but I saw more ways that disclosure of that little fact could backfire on me than I could see it helping. Uh-huh, she replied distractedly, and was quiet for a few more seconds. So, is he your strongest candidate? By now I was in full retreat mode, and reminded her that I shouldnt be telling her about the other candidates. You didnt want to be involved, I reminded her. Yeah, well, I didnt think Adam would thrown his name in the ring, she retorted. I kept quiet, and after a few seconds she continued in a silky tone. I am going to get a chance to talk to Tondo and Patrick after they talk to Adam, arent I? I mean, before they make any decisions? I allowed that I could make that happen, although I wasnt sure how I felt about it. Honestly, Adam was a great solution to the search. Great candidate, gave AD DX great credibility, and things in my and Karens lives stayed the same. But Id forgotten her competitive streak when it came to Adam, so my mistake in letting his name slip had sparked her interest. She still might not want the job, but shed want to be their first choice. I assured her Id pass along her desire for another meeting, which I was sure theyd jump at, and she sweet-talked me for the rest of the conversation. By the end of the two weeks Adam had had his meeting and Karen was set to go to San Diego in a couple days. Meanwhile, my chance encounter with Robyn had cooled my stalking instincts. I stopped going to the mall where Id seen her, and even stopped going to the health clubs caf after my workout. There was no point in waiting to catch a glimpse of her there any more. I still saw her at the pool, and was immensely gratified that she was taking note of me there. It wasnt like she came over and chatted with me, but shed started checking

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The Weight of Days To Come out my presence and made sure to nod an acknowledgement of it. It validated me in some way that I felt inordinately proud of, but I knew better than to press the issue. My swimming buddies noticed. One morning Carson came over to where I was standing with Mary and Marty, after having seen her nod at me. Hey, Marc, whats up with you and the mystery swimmer? I thought I saw her looking at you! Mary exclaimed, looking excited. I happened to run into her at the mall, I explained. We talked for a little bit, but thats it. Did she tell you her name? Marty inquired, watching Robyn swim her laps with her graceful strokes, oblivious to our intense huddle. I admitted that she had, and told them what it was, adding that it was all I knew of her. I didnt mention that I had, as a matter of course, googled her, and checked to see if she was on Facebook, Linkedin, or Twitter. Id come up blank on all accounts. Whatever swimming success she might have had hadnt been public enough for me to find it. Had I pursued the matter, I probably could have found some swimming-related sites that might have old high school or college results, but evidently I wasnt that motivated. They were impressed simply by her now noticing me, and her having given me her name made my achievement all the more impressive to them. Carson high fived me, and Marty shook my hand. Mary appeared to be pouting. After Carson and Mary wandered off, Marty asked after Karen, as usual, and I wasnt sure if there was some sort of implicit link between our conversation about Robyn and his mention of my wife. I had nothing to feel guilty about, but Marty had no way of knowing that. His tone didnt express any disapproval, but still

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The Weight of Days To Come All this should have made me feel better about my life, but, if anything, it made me feel more ready for the end of my life. I still wasnt taking any active efforts to cause the end of it, but landing Adam as a candidate and having Robyn acknowledge me seemed to validate my presence. Validate it, but remind me that my presence was no longer required. Either Adam or Karen would take the AD DX job; either way, my assignment would be a success. And if I suddenly stopped coming to the pool, I thought perhaps Robyn would at least notice. Perhaps shed even finally ask someone about me, maybe even be a little sad when she heard about my untimely demise. I just hoped my end would come in some way that seemed more noble than embarrassing. No dying on the toilet, for example. I hadnt really taken into account that my no longer going to the caf would be noticed by anyone, but I underestimated Brandis friendliness or desire for tips, or both. Towards the end of the two week period she called out to me as I walked across the lobby towards the parking lot. Hey, Marc where you been? I stopped, and thought about simply waving and walking on out the door. But Brandi was cute, and she was initiating a conversation with me, so I didnt want to seem rude. I walked over to the caf. Hey, Brandi, how have you been? Oh, Ive missed you, she chided me playfully. What, did I mess up your order? Are you mad at me? I assured her that neither was the case, that I was just going home for my coffee and breakfast, but it seemed lame even to me. I couldnt very well tell her Id only started to go to the caf so I could spy on Robyn. She feigned dismay. You dont like my buns anymore? It took me a second to realize that she was flirting with me, just a little, using buns to ambiguously. I blushed slightly. Theyre the best, I replied with equal ambiguity. For

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The Weight of Days To Come this I was rewarded with a smile. To make peace I ordered a cinnamon roll, although to go, and we chatted for a little bit before I left. I made sure I left her a big tip. When I walked outside I was feeling pretty good about talking with Brandi. I wasnt stupid enough to think that she had any interest in me, but it was nice that shed noticed Id been missing from her routine. Much to my surprise, she wasnt the only one. Standing outside the club was Robyn, dressed for work and with her gym bag slung over her shoulder. I thought she looked beautiful the epitome of a modern career woman, still glowing her from workout and yet ready to go to her job. She must have seen me standing in the caf and decided to wait for me outside. Hey, she said gruffly in greeting. Hi, Robyn, I replied. I saw you swim. You did great, as always. Yeah, thanks, she said absently, not wanting to accept the compliment. She seemed nervous, and looked both ways to see if anyone was near us. Neither her expression nor her eyes gave anything away. I, umm, havent seen you at the food court lately. That came as more of a surprise than the fact of her waiting for me. I hadnt thought that shed be watching for me at the food court, or would care if I wasnt there. If anything, Id assumed she might be relieved if I wasnt there, as that would lessen any prospect that I might try to force the issue by trying to sit with her. Umm, I stumbled, I guess Ive been busy. She nodded, accepting but not really believing my story. She looked away again before looking back at me, not quite meeting my eyes. She cleared her throat. Well, she started with an awkward expression. Are you busy today?

Chapter 19

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The Weight of Days To Come I arrived at the food court right on time at noon. Honestly, I felt nervous. I didnt have any real reason to be. It wasnt like it was a date or anything. We were meeting in a mall food court, for heavens sake; not the sort of place someone planning an affair would pick. All right, granted, Robyn was very attractive, but she was more than twenty years younger than me, and had given no sign that she was attracted to me. More importantly, I was happily married and had no intention of cheating on Karen. Still, I felt like I was doing something wrong, or at least over the line, just by being here. Yet here I was nonetheless. I remembered what it was like to go out with a woman for the first time. That tingle, that thrill of anticipation, all accompanied with that worry that youve got something in your teeth or a stain on your shirt. All the insecurities boil up and you just hope the other person doesnt notice them or, if they do, think they are cute somehow. I didnt quite feel like that, of course, because there was no anticipation that anything was going to happen, but I found myself hoping that she would at least like me. I wouldnt mind if she found me attractive either, even if in an older-guy-distinguished kind of way. Men age but they dont grow up, not really. Robyn and I spotted each other about the same time. I gave her a reassuring smile, while she just nodded at me without expression in return. She was wearing the same outfit shed worn outside the gym, not surprisingly dark pants, a white blouse, and a yellowish jacket. Everything was perfectly pressed, of course. Most women her age would have worn heels, but it appeared to me that her shoes were flats or very low heels. Id dressed up slightly khakis, polo shirt, topsiders. Nothing too formal, but on this day I could fit in with the business-casual crowd. That wasnt always true. Nice to see you, I told her. She nodded at me, and looked around the mall. Crowded today.

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The Weight of Days To Come It was crowded, although nothing out of the ordinary. Busy enough to be comforting nothing as depressing as a deserted mall -- but with plenty of vacant tables for us to choose from. Where do you want to get food? I asked. I smiled munificently at her. My treat. She gave me a discouraging look, and held up a brown bag. I brought my lunch from home, she replied. You get what you want and Ill find us a table. She set off on that mission, and I was left behind feeling even more confused. Why suggest we have lunch at a food court if she was bringing her own food? It made me wonder again: why was I here at all? I decided to get something from the small deli, where I recognized the woman behind the counter and she me. We nodded at each other. What will you have? she asked briskly. Hows the pastrami? She gave me a look. About the same as yesterday, she replied wryly. In fact, it is the pastrami from yesterday. That told me it probably wasnt the freshest, and its always iffy to order pastrami from a deli in a food court anyway. I ordered the BLT, figuring at least one of those ingredients had to be fresh, along with some chips and a soda. She rang me up and turned her attention to the next person in line, already forgetting about me. I scanned the tables for Robyn while I waited for my sandwich, and spotted her in the center. Shed opened her bag but had not started. She caught me looking for her and gave a brief wave to alert me to where she was sitting. Then she looked down at the table again. I wondered what she was thinking about, hoping she wasnt regretting having invited me. I joined her at the table. Shed picked a table for four, near the center of the food court and without any immediate neighbors. I debated sitting next to her but chose the safer option of sitting across from her. What do you have? I asked, indicating the plastic container she was starting to open.

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A salad. I made it this morning. She also produced a fork, a napkin, and bottle of water from her bag, which she folded up neatly after removing its contents. She started eating her salad, using the same small, precise movements Id seen her eat with before. I unwrapped my sandwich and took a bite. Evidently Id been wrong about at least one of the ingredients being fresh. Shed invited me to join her, yet she was neither making conversation nor making eye contact. It didnt feel quite like she was ignoring me, and she didnt seem to be hostile about my presence. It was more like she was kind of indifferent, which was odd. In any event, she wasnt exactly encouraging conversation. I chewed my sandwich while I watched her, pondering how to proceed. It felt too weird to eat in complete silence. So, I started. You work around here? I knew the answer from my prior spying expedition but wanted to see what shed say. Robyn looked up at me tentatively and nodded. Yes. I waited for her to elaborate but she went back to her salad. I waited until she had a chance to chew most of her next bite. Where do you work? Again she stopped, and looked up briefly at me, inspecting me before deciding if I was worthy of a response. I must have passed. An insurance company, she allowed tersely. Before she could go back to her next bite I interjected my follow-up question. What do you do? She froze, not having expected an immediate question. She cleared her throat and took a sip of her water. Im a manager in customer service. Uh-huh. Do you like it?

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The Weight of Days To Come She looked longingly down at her salad, as if debating whether to take another mouthful or to reply to my question. She seemed to sigh slightly, and looked back at me. Its all right. I started out on the phones, but I like being a manager better. She shrugged, but quickly put her head down to take a forkful of her salad. I let her chew that while I ate some of my chips. So you dont have to talk to your customers directly? I asked after a decent interval. Not usually, she admitted. She flashed a tight smile, not revealing any teeth. Not unless theyre really mad and demand to speak to a manager. Yeah, that probably isnt too fun. She nodded solemnly and returned to her salad, which was starting to get smaller. I wondered if my time was up as soon as the salad was finished or if shed relax and talk more freely once that task was completed. I let her take a couple more bites before I tried another conversational gambit. Ive been wondering something ever since I first saw you swim. You do it so well, I figured you must have swum competitively at some point. You must have been pretty good. This time she didnt look up right away. She kept her head down for a few seconds after she could use the excuse of chewing her food, and it was with some reluctance that she looked up at me. She essayed a weak smile. I swam some in high school, she admitted. Not in college? She shook her head slowly. I went to Meredith, here in Raleigh, and they didnt have a swim team. Plus my mom wanted me to focus on school. It took some patient and, perhaps for her, painful digging to draw out more of the story. It appeared shed been quite a good swimmer indeed in high school, in suburban Atlanta, but her father died her senior year, and her mother decided to move to Raleigh for

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The Weight of Days To Come reasons she didnt disclose. Robyn had some scholarship offers, but chose Meredith partly for the academics and, I suspected, largely to be close to her mother. But you kept swimming all these years? Yes, she admitted, seeming both amused and weary about it. She looked down, this time not so much at her food but more blankly at the table. Its just, I dont know, a way of getting away from everything. She shrugged apologetically. I know what you mean, I assured her. Hey, if I were as good as you Id be in the water all the time. She looked up with a barely suppressed smile. Youre not so bad. I raised my hands in the air. Im just trying not to drown. That actually got a laugh out of her, although it was over quickly and very quiet. But I was sure Id heard it and I liked being responsible for it. Well, try not to drown, she told me. I might have to find another pool then. I almost made a comment about drowning seeming worthwhile if shed give me CPR, but fortunately I stopped myself in time. I thought that might scare her instead of bringing on another laugh. We both went back to finish our meals. When Robyn was finished with her salad, she carefully unfolded the paper bag, put the top back on the plastic container, and placed it back in the bag neatly. She gathered up her napkin, fork, and water bottle. I offered to add them to my own trash, and she gravely handed them to me. We looked at each other, and I thought she was debating whether to leave or to continue the conversation. I didnt know what tipped the balance, but she looked at me quizzically. Do you work around here too? she asked, sounding uncomfortable asking.

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The Weight of Days To Come I described my situation, including a brief explanation of my job and my working from home. I tried to make it sound modestly glamorous and a little exciting, realizing the incongruity of that while sitting in a food court. When I stopped she wrinkled her brow. Do you like it? I used to, I wanted to say, but that I wasnt so sure any more. For a half second I hung on the precipice of revealing myself to this woman, who was largely still a stranger to me. I didnt want to lie to her, not right off the bat like this, but didnt want her feeling sorry for me either. Ive been doing it a long time now, I responded at least, if to a slightly different question. I get to know a lot of people, which is pretty fun. She looked at me and I suspected she realized I hadnt exactly answered her question, but she wasnt going to press me on it. Her gaze wondered around the food court. And you drive out here for lunch? Kind of funny, isnt it? I admitted sheepishly. I shrugged. Its a break from my day, a change of pace. I poked at the remains of my food. I guess Im not exactly a gourmet. She nodded distractedly, not quite looking at me. You didnt draw anything today, she noted softly. I looked down at my napkins, not entirely sure if I had or not. I guess not. I guess I cant talk and doodle at the same time. She wrinkled her brow again. Really? I started to say something funny, then stopped myself. No, thats not true. I doodle all the time when Im on the phone. I guess its different when Im face to face with someone.

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The Weight of Days To Come She let a smile emerge briefly, and it was like the sun shining through. I was sorry to see it go. Thats too bad, she admitted shyly. I liked your last doodle. I was hoping to see another one. Next time, I offered lightly, realizing after Id said it that it might sound like I was asking her out or something. Robyn didnt seem to notice. The other time I saw you, you were by yourself. Do you She paused awkwardly. Do you usually eat with someone? Almost never, I told her, thinking she was suddenly wondering if I had a habit of finding young women to eat with. I wanted to remind her that shed invited me to lunch, but didnt want to sound like I was rubbing her nose in it. The truth was that our conversation had been strangely stilted and kind of formal; she was not the easiest person to hold a conversation with. I had the feeling that, had I not pushed it, we might have eaten here together in silence. Despite that, I liked her. There was something about her that made me want to protect her, in some indefinable way. It wasnt that she seemed in need of protection, wasnt that she seemed weak. It was more that she seemed to kind of need help in normal human interaction, like she wasnt used to it. It was silly on my part she worked in customer service and doubtlessly dealt with people all the time yet there it was. I smiled bashfully at her. This is a nice change of pace. Robyn seemed somewhat mollified, and nodded slowly. Her hands slowly brushed the table. What about you? I asked delicately. She looked down at the table, and for a long moment I didnt think she was going to respond. Then she looked up, again managing to not meet my eyes. I like to eat alone, she said quietly.

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The Weight of Days To Come I looked at her sympathetically. I hope this wasnt too painful for you. Now Robyn did return my gaze, and I swore there was the twinge of a twinkle in her eyes. For once, I felt as through her eyes werent holding me at bay, but were letting me see a little of the awkwardness she apparently was feeling. It was not too bad, she said judiciously. We could do it again.

Chapter 20 Karen spent the weekend in Minneapolis, visiting an old friend. She told me reminded me, as she put it on Thursday that she wasnt coming home for the weekend. Its going to be a girls weekend, dear, shed explained cheerfully. Lots of shopping and gossiping. Youd hate it. She was going to be in Ann Arbor on Friday and needed to be in Seattle Monday morning, so spending the weekend in Minneapolis instead of coming home saved lots of time on airplanes. It made sense, except that I wasnt in Minneapolis. Her friend Terri was. In theory, I knew Terri. Id met her at our wedding, and heard Karen talk about her periodically. It was possible we got Christmas cards from her as well, but I couldnt testify to it. They knew each other from college, or maybe it was from one of Karens early jobs; in any event, it was from a long time ago. However theyd first met, theyd stayed in touch over the years. I only mildly protested that I didnt remember her telling me; even though I was willing to concede I didnt always remember all of her plans, but somehow I thought her not coming home at all would have been something that would have stuck with me. This was the first time since Id known Karen that shed spent a weekend with Terri, or any of her friends, without me.

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The Weight of Days To Come Oh, sure, wed gone together to visit friends or family, and shed had a few trips to see her family without me. In a way, it wasnt at all remarkable that Karen wanted to do a girls weekend; judging from what Id heard, it was a fairly common practice for women friends. Hell, if I had had any brains Id have organized a trip somewhere with some of my buddies while she was visiting with Terri, if I was twenty years younger and still enjoyed going to Las Vegas or enjoyed playing golf. But instead I was stuck at home alone over the weekend. It wasnt that I minded either being home or being alone. I was used to both. What bothered me was that I didnt believe she was really with Terri. I didnt have any specific reason to doubt Karen. It was just a string of little things. She knew I wasnt likely to see or talk to Terri on my own, so I couldnt easily check up on her story. Shed been calling me less frequently, relying more on text messages, and even those were more irregular and at odd hours. In the week leading up to her weekend Id only spoken to Karen twice, both briefly, and our text exchanges consisted mostly of saying hello or telling each other to take care. I had the sense, if one can glean that from text messages, she was distracted, and not by anything she wanted to talk to me about. It could have to do with the job with Tondo, a sign that she was taking it more seriously, but in a way I thought Id rather suspect her of deceiving me about her whereabouts than to believe she didnt want to discuss her career future with me. I could have called her over the weekend to check in on her, but I didnt see the point. What was I going to do demand to speak to Terri? That would really look like I was a paranoid husband. Chances were that the call would go to voice mail anyway, making me feel stupider and even more needy. Either she was where she said she was, doing what she said she was doing, or she wasnt, but either way it was out of my hands. The prospect that my wife was out somewhere possibly cheating on me should have been more upsetting than it was. I was curiously numb about the whole thing. Somehow I blamed myself. I wasnt exciting enough for her, I wasnt successful enough for her, I wasnt good looking enough for her pick em. A man who was waiting to die, kept thinking about possible ways his demise might happen sooner rather than later well,

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The Weight of Days To Come that was not a man that Karen would want to be with. That wasnt a man she deserved to be with. Unfortunately, I was that man. By nature Id never been a jealous person. As far as I knew, no one I had been involved with had been unfaithful to me, and it wasnt anything I tended to worry about. Karen was a beautiful, vivacious woman, and I had no doubt that men hit on her all the time. Id seen it at parties, and could imagine how it must be on the road. I didnt doubt that at times she flirted; Lord knows she was good at it. She made people feel like they were special, that she found them interesting and even attractive. She always seemed in control though, never taking it too far nor letting the other person do so. If she was having an affair, I thought, it wasnt because someone else had seduced her. With Karen, it would have been something shed decided upon. Of course, I flirted too, usually on the phone with my candidates and contacts. Most of the time it was the harmless banter of two people whod known each other a long time, knew the other was safely married or involved, and had no intention of taking it any further. Sometimes, when I was getting to know someone, it might wander into more playful flirting, as I sought to establish a relationship and to distinguish myself from the dozens or hundreds of other recruiters who might also be stalking them. But I knew the boundaries, and didnt overstep them. Or so I liked to think. Id always thought of myself as a monogamous man. My pattern historically had been to get in relationships quickly rather than to date casually for a long time. Sometimes theyd worked, sometimes they hadnt, but it had the effect of helping to ensure that I wasnt sleeping with more than one woman at a time. I could understand how that happened, and didnt judge people who did so. For example, Trevor had been no angel when it came to sleeping around, but I liked him all the same. I didnt know, and didnt really want to know, if he was sleeping with anyone other than Laura, but I could see it happening. What I couldnt see was him accepting it if she was unfaithful to him. It might be a double standard, but he had no tolerance for such indiscretions. If Karen was his wife and he suspected she was cheating on him, hed have a private detective

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The Weight of Days To Come following her there or be on a plane to Minneapolis himself. He wouldnt be doing what I did, sitting at home thinking about my wife, my marriage, and my life. Of course, if Selma Hayek and I were shipwrecked and washed ashore on a deserted island together, with no hope of rescue, my monogamy would most likely take a detour although shed still have to initiate it. Women werent throwing themselves at me in the real world, so being monogamous was more like the passive result than an active choice. Karen did have choices, probably more often than I liked to think, and in retrospect I might have said that I was surprised it had taken this long. It would be simpler, I concluded glumly, if I passed away and relieved Karen of the burden of being married to me. If shed given up on our marriage enough to have an affair, the graceful thing for me to do was to step out of her life. To most people that meant divorce, but the prospect of life as a divorced man at this stage in my life seemed like more than I could bear. I didnt want to start over again, I didnt want to date again, and yet I didnt want to be alone again. I wasnt going to try to hang on to Karen and make her wallow in my fatalism. If I did have that mental kill-switch, I honestly wasnt sure Id have the nerve to hit my own switch, or to ask someone to do it for me. Too Kevorkian. No, I needed the asteroid to land on me, the previously unknown weak blood vessel to burst in my sleep. Something to assure a quick, painless death. I slept each night not imagining Karen with someone else, but just with the hope of not waking up. It sounded horribly depressing but there was a queer kind of comfort to it, picturing the oblivion of sleep just never-ending. Falling asleep was a little like death anyway, and yet we all long for sleep every night. My dreams were nothing memorable, nothing I could control or look forward to, so the act of simply not being awake, of not even knowing that was being at all, was the lure of sleep. Yet every morning I woke again, and had to face another day of waiting.

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Chapter 21 My mother doesnt trust you, Robyn told me matter-of-factly, her face neutral. We were in the food court having lunch together. It had quickly become a fairly regular habit. On those days when we saw each other at the pool, more often than not shed suggest lunch, and Id always accept. It was always the food court, and she always brought her own lunch. Today it was a turkey sandwich and some baby carrots, whereas Id gotten gyros and greasy fries from the Greek place. I kept waiting for her to bring something very messy to eat, just to see how she would deal with it, but she seemingly chose her food as carefully as she chose her clothes, so she never was in any danger of getting messy. I paused before responding. There was something slightly mischievous in the way shed told me, as if she was serious yet almost smiling at being able to tell me such a thing. It was a kind of sense of humor Id not seen in her before. Is that so? I asked carefully. I had to refrain from looking around the mall to see if her mother was somewhere nearby watching us; I didnt know what she looked like but thought I could probably discern a protective mothers gaze. It took all of my willpower to keep my manner casual and my attention focused on Robyn. Any particular reason? She shook her head with a small gesture. She doesnt know why you have lunch with me, she said, playing with a carrot in front of her. Because I enjoy your company? I hazarded warily. Robyn looked up and smiled quickly, resuming her serious face and reverting her attention to the carrot. She wouldnt believe that. Seriously? I asked in surprise. She doesnt think people enjoy your company?

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She shook her head without looking up. Not without an ulterior motive. Ah-ha, I said in mock exclamation. There we go. Does she think Im after your money? That garnered another small smile, then she shook her head quickly. Dont be silly. She thinks youre only doing this to have sex with me. I had to put my gyros down. Are, are you serious? I mean, look, I pointed out. Were in a public mall. Not many safer places. I had a sudden chill of suspicion that her mother had followed Robyn here to check me out. I used the opportunity to nod my head to indicate the food court around us. It was busy but not too crowded. More importantly, I didnt see anyone clearly watching us. If her mother was there, I didnt catch her. Robyn explained quite matter-of-factly that her mother thought this was only the first part of my campaign to spoil her virtue. First food courts, then restaurants, then maybe a nightclub, where Id get her drunk and take her to some sleazy motel for unprotected sex that Robyn would be unable to defend herself against. She told me this as though it didnt sound crazy, like she and her mother lived in, say, the 1930s or something, when defending a womans virtue and, equally important, the appearance of virtue -- was a constant battle that had to be fought until at least when she was safely married. It turned out that Robyn lived with her mother. The story came out in bits and pieces, as Robyn didnt seem very used to talking about her life with her mother. Shed moved back to her parents house after her fathers death a few years back. That was supposed to have been temporary, but somehow her mother had come to take Robyns presence for granted, apparently not wanting her to develop friends or activities that would take her away from the house. I asked her if shed ever lived on her own, and she almost blanched. Without looking at me, she quietly allowed that shed lived on her own once,

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The Weight of Days To Come but that, as she put it with a twinge of regret, it didnt work out. She said shed moved back home. I thought that was exceedingly odd, at Robyns age. Her mother should have wanted Robyn to have a life on her own, with a husband and family at some point. Rather than hoping for grandchildren, she had settled to keep her daughter underfoot. I had to wonder what had happened in Robyns time on her own, but it seemed much too personal to inquire about. It was all too odd for me, so I simply refrained from questioning or commenting. There was a brother, who had seemingly made his escape. He lived in St. Louis with his wife and family, and evidently had happily delegated parental care to Robyn, aside from an annual visit and some periodic phone calls. If Robyn was bitter about this, she hid it well, but I had to wonder. Your mother watches too much TV, I told her at last instead. I had a mental image of her mother, complete with grey hair pulled in a bun, dowdy housedresses, and frown lines on her face. Much older than me, of course, but I realized it was possible she wasnt that much older than I was -- if at all. I pushed the disapproving mental image out of my head and studied Robyn carefully. She still kept her head down, slowing chewing on carrots one-by-one. Is she serious? Robyn pursed her lips thoughtfully. Not entirely, she conceded. But not entirely not serious either. She looked up and flashed me a resigned what-are-you-going-to-do smile that everyone has done about their mother at some point. It doesnt help that you are married, either. I can see that, I admitted diplomatically. She looked up at me, a puzzled expression on her face. What does your wife think of our having lunch like this?

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I felt busted. Well, I said, stalling. The fact is that I havent really told Karen about our lunches. She eats lots of meals with lots of people that I dont know about, and I dont tell her about every person I eat with either. Id told Robyn some things about Karen, including the fact that she was on the road most of the time. It was occurring to me now that telling her about how often my wife was away might have sounded like I was laying the groundwork for a seduction, if one was inclined to be suspicious. As evidently, her mother was. I see, she replied noncommittally. She took another carrot and studied it carefully. She paused and looked up at me quickly. Well, my mother would like that you are polite. Am I? Robyn nodded her head vigorously. From what Ive seen, anyway. She flashed a quick smile. Its not something you see very often anymore. She seemed sad about this, and her expression grew more thoughtful. Of course, she might think you were just faking it. Like Eddie Haskell? I teased. She looked at me blankly. Never mind, I told her. He was a concept that her head didnt really need, although a world that hadnt known the innocence and innate sweetness of The Beaver made me depressed. Unfortunately, now I had the image of June Clever as Robyns mother, and I was a fifty-some version of Eddie Haskell trying to despoil her innocent daughter. If June and Ward had had a daughter. I should have realized it might come to this. Id been simply following her lead, not pursuing her and not trying to push our relationship, whatever it was. If I got to see her swim in the morning, great; if she suggested lunch, even better, but I had deliberately not tried to initiate anything or even ask for her phone number. I didnt think our spending time was going anywhere; I was content with whatever time I got. It was harmless. But I

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The Weight of Days To Come could see why her mother might view my intentions more cynically, and I wondered what Karen might have made, not of our having these regular lunches but of the fact that I hadnt told her about them. Can I ask you a question? I asked at last. Robyn looked at me with a slightly amused expression that suggested what-anotherquestion. All right, she said with a tone of resignation. I nodded at her sandwich and carrots. How come you always bring your lunch? Why not just buy something from one of the places here? She looked around at the various options, which I had to agree were not the greatest. But, still, just as a change of pace? She shook her head, as though getting food from one of them was impossible. Too expensive. Its cheaper to bring my own. Then why come here at all? I mean, there must be a lunch room or break room or something at your office if youre just going to eat something you brought. She looked down at the table, and allowed a tight smile. I thought it might be a little sad. I dont want to sit with anyone from work. She surveyed the food court briefly. No one bothers me here. Except me. I wasnt sure if I was joking or not. She rolled her eyes a little, and her mouth twitched at the notion of a smile. It was like a laugh would be with anyone else. Except you. Since Im already bothering you, you could just buy your lunch here sometime, just for a change of pace. Id be happy to buy something for you. I couldnt let you do that, she protested with total sincerity.

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The Weight of Days To Come Plus your mother wouldnt like that, I surmised. No, no, she wouldnt, Robyn agreed softly, but there was something almost playful in her eyes -- a twinkle, if you will -- as if she didnt mind her mother not trusting me. She looked down at the remains of her sandwich, and we both ate a couple bites in silence. So what do you think? I asked at last. Robyn looked up at me searchingly. About what? It was hard for me to get the words out, but eventually I did. Do you trust me? I found myself needing to hear her judgment, and hoped against hope that it was favorable. For a long moment she simply looked at me, but eventually a kind of self-satisfied smile came across her face. The jury is still out, she told me, the smile just barely there, so faint I might have missed it but for the fact that any smile from her was still a surprise to me. She looked down at her food for a few seconds, but did not eat anything. When she looked back up at me the smile was gone, replaced by a wistful look. Those other swimmers you talk to in the mornings she started, her words trailing off. Sure, sure. What about them? Until then, I hadnt been sure Robyn was even aware of their presence. Shed always ignored them at the pool, even when she acknowledged me. Are they your friends? I wasnt entirely sure how to respond to that. I wasnt sure what to make of her tone, not sure if it was merely curious or perhaps even a trifle plaintive. I guess you could say that, I allowed. I certainly talked to them when I saw them in the mornings, knew their names and a few things about them, but whether that qualified them as friends was hard to say.

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I dont think they like me, she told me quietly, looking down again. I was amused by that. Why do you say that? I asked, trying not to let my amusement show. Still, I didnt think she was joking. She couldnt look at me, and seemed slightly nervous. They never talk to me. You never talk to them, I pointed out reasonably. That caused her to look up at me. I dont know them! she rebutted sternly. I cant just go up and talk to strangers! It might have been funny, but I realized that she was entirely serious and it wasnt funny to her at all. Hey, hey, I comforted her. They dont quite know what to think of you. They me too, really, until I met you are kind of intimidated by you. She looked puzzled at this notion. Why would they be intimidated by me? I sat back a little and gave her a reassuring smile. Well, you know, youre this mysterious stranger. You show up one day and its obvious that youre a great swimmer. Nobody knows anything about you except you are so graceful and beautiful. I stopped myself because I felt myself getting a little carried away. Her forehead was wrinkled in thought. They think Im beautiful? I laughed. Robyn, I suspect most people would call you beautiful, I told her. I gestured at the other patrons in the food court around us. We could take a survey. Her face colored slightly, a delightful blush that just made her face look even lovelier. Oh, I dont think so, she protested with perfect earnestness Trust me, I assured her.

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She absorbed this but did not seem particularly convinced. She was silent for some time, perhaps considering for the first time a world in which people found her attractive. Eventually she shook her head. I dont think Im beautiful, she concluded judiciously, but maybe I am a decent swimmer. She essayed a smile, and I thought she might be trying to make a joke. It seemed like just for a moment shed let her guard down, and it was a thrill to see. You are indeed a pretty decent swimmer, I agreed. Well have to agree to disagree about the other. She grew thoughtful again, and looked down at her remaining food. It appeared she had to summon up her nerve. She took a deep breath and looked up at me again, seeming uncharacteristically vulnerable. Do you think I could meet your friends? The other swimmers?

Chapter 22 It took the better part of a week to finalize the details of the package for Ken Swanson. As Id hoped, Brian and the others had really liked Ken, and I had made sure they knew of his interest. Of course, their first offer was well below what they were willing to pay, so neither they nor I were surprised when Ken rejected it and countered with an offer equally high. I stayed out of most of the negotiations, letting the two sides talk directly but keeping in touch with each just to make sure the deal didnt go sour. They agreed on the base salary and bonus by mid-week, spent another day hashing out stock rights, but ran into the most trouble on the relocation package. Ken, I asked, whats the problem on the relo? Theyre willing to pay for the move.

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He took a moment to respond, and I could picture him squirming a little. Well, you know the real estate market these days. What if I cant sell my house? Id done my homework on this as well. He and his wife had had the house for almost ten years, were above water on their mortgage, and comparable houses in the neighborhood were selling at prices that would leave Ken and his wife with a modest profit and plenty of money for an even better house in Indianapolis. I walked him through all that. So, OK, maybe it will take you six months or so for the house to move although I really dont think so but you could rent a nice condo in Indy until youre ready to buy. I dont know he grumbled. Ken, theyre not going to buy your house outright, I warned him. No one is going to, not any more. Those days are gone. Theyre offering to pay for the move, and are willing to give you something for your temporary expenses. But you have to be reasonable about it. You know housing costs are a lot cheaper than they are out there, so youre going to come out ahead. I know, I know, he admitted, without sounding happy about it. I had a little bit of an ulterior motive in the components of the relocation package; payment for direct expenses didnt impact my payment, but anything they gave him in a lump sum counted towards his compensation for purposes of calculating my fee. Id been burned years before by a client who low-balled the base and hid the money in the relo bonus, so ever since then my contracts had been explicit on this point. I wasnt sure if Brian realized it, but I wasnt going to point it out to him; he had his own lawyers and financial people. Then whats the problem? Another pause. Well, Allison is probably going to stay out here initially, he told me in a low voice. Shes got some things going on with her job that she wants to finish up.

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The Weight of Days To Come This was the first Id heard of this. Uh-huh, I replied neutrally. They didnt have children, so it wasnt an uprooting them kind of issue. This was a wife problem. I thought Allison liked Indianapolis on your visit. She did, she did, he assured me. She just not, you know, quite ready to leave her job here, and her friends and all. Its tough to leave sometimes, I agreed diplomatically. Im sure shell come around, he assured me, but sounding more like he was trying to convince himself. It just will take a few months, so I figure Ill have to keep up a place in Indy, our house there, and do a lot of commuting. So thats what the problem with the package was? I asked. He quickly agreed. That should have sounded like good news. Id handled plenty of relocations where the spouse and family trail the candidate, and could advise Brian on how to structure the package to make Ken feel better about the interim period. But I wasnt entirely sure I knew where Kens head really was. Ken, are you sure you really want to make the move? I asked. Oh, yeah, its a great job! he assured me vigorously, if not entirely convincingly. Im really looking forward to it. And they are really excited about having you, I assured him. Allison will come. Im sure of it. Youve probably seen lots of situations like this, right? His voice sounded hopeful. I have, I told him, and I probably should have stopped there. Like you say, sometimes it takes a few months. I paused for a second. I couldnt help but think about Karen. She hadnt told me much about her latest meeting with Tondo and Patrick, but the mere fact of the meeting told me she was more interested than she was letting on. I could

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The Weight of Days To Come picture myself in Allisons shoes, with my spouse thousands of miles away in a new job, a new city, waiting to see if Id come and, perhaps, not entirely heartbroken if I chose not to. Maybe thats what Ken was prepared for, even if he wasnt admitting it to himself. I had to wonder what Karen was similarly prepared for. Sometimes, though What? he asked worriedly. Long distance can be tough on a relationship. Long distance commuting is tough too, especially with the kind of demands youre going to have. Are you sure you and Allison are up to this? There was silence on the other line. Im sure, Ken said at last, sounding more confident. Its what I want. She knows that. Shell come around. Id never met Kens wife, but I had researched her background and knew she had a respectable career of her own. I didnt know how solid their marriage was, or if she had family ties to the Seattle area. What I did know was that Ken was going to be one distracted Chief Scientist for many months. Maybe hed throw himself into his work as his marriage dissolved, or maybe hed not be able to focus properly. It was anyones guess. I had a stake in this. If he got fired or quit in the first year, my contract would obligate me to find them another candidate. I mentally shrugged. You want me to talk to them? Make the deal, he instructed me firmly.

Negotiations aside, it felt like a long week. I should have been eager for Karen to return home, but the opposite was true. I couldnt help thinking about her weekend away from home, away from me and our marriage. Each conversation, each text with her I treaded with caution, then played and replayed them in my head, searching for hidden meanings or clues that something was amiss. If she texted me late in the morning I wondered if she

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The Weight of Days To Come was sleeping in with her new guy; if she called early in the evening I suspected she was trying to get it out of the way so she could spend the rest of the night with someone else. Nothing in her tone or in her words gave anything away; everything sounded the same as always. But my doubts about where shed been and who she had been with the prior weekend had cause a small crack in my trust. It would have been a good time for me to pass away quietly. I longed for the gas line to spring a leak and kill me as I slept. Karen could come home and find me there, looking peaceful and having suffered a painless death. Then she could grieve for some socially acceptable time and move on with her new life and whomever she wanted to spend it with. I should have minded more. Losing a wife is no trivial matter. It would make any man feel diminished. Some men go crazy at the prospect, take preemptive strikes to keep their woman from straying, even to the point of inflicting violence or death upon them. Men are such stupid animals, their ego getting in the way of their intellect. That kind of possessiveness has nothing to do with love, just with pride. Maybe it made me less of a man, but I never had that kind of blind insistence on lifetime fidelity. I wanted to be with Karen the rest of my life, and Id certainly hoped it would work out that way, but now that I was faced with the prospect of losing her I saw now that it was always too much to ask for. Karen was a special woman. Id always known it, but it was only now becoming clear to me what the implications of that were. I was just a guy, one near the end of his career, already on the decline, the curve of which would start to drop precipitously over the next few years. That is, if I had many more years; my willingness to forego experiencing those years was yet another reason why Karen would be better off with someone else. I doubted she was aware of my morbid thoughts, at least not consciously, but I couldnt really blame her if she was taking some preemptive actions to move on to the next phase of life. Karen was the kind of person who would always land on her feet. If my tacit acceptance of Karens assumed infidelity was unusual, at least it was consistent with my willingness to die sooner rather than later.

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Karen got home around six on Friday evening. Hey, honey, she exclaimed cheerfully as she got out of the car. Id heard her pull in the garage and had come out to the garage to greet her. Boy, am I glad to be home! Part of me was distracted, wondering if it meant anything that she expressed pleasure at being home but not necessarily to see me. I tried not to let it bother me. Hey, beautiful, I replied, giving her a quick kiss and an equally brief hug. Im glad to have you home. Even though shed had a long flight home, she was neatly dressed in a very professional pantsuit and crisp white blouse, and looked great. I got her bags out of the trunk and helped her get them in the house. She put her briefcase on the dining room table and I lugged her suitcase up to the bedroom, wondering for the millionth time how she managed it so adroitly on her trips. Thanks, dear, she told me. Let me unpack and Ill be downstairs in a bit. Id actually been planning to stay and talk with her while she unpacked. For a few minutes there Id even entertained the crazy idea that wed have welcome home sex in the interim between her work clothes and her relaxing clothes. It had been longer than usual since wed seen each other, due to her not coming home last weekend. A few years ago she wouldnt have gotten far into the house before wed have started making out after just a couple days away. I tried not to let my disappointment show; after all, whatever hopes I might have had, I hadnt had any real expectations about it. Thered been too many homecomings without celebrations by now. Oh, OK. Karen asked what I wanted to do about dinner, then suggested ordering a pizza instead of going out. I told her Id take care of it and went downstairs to do so. I hadnt had my heart set on going out, but somehow the evening was unfolding as just another night. I sat in the family room watching television while waiting for Karen, who seemed to be taking longer than I would have expected. I wasnt paying attention to whatever was on the screen. It should have felt like an evening full of promise, thick with excitement, and

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The Weight of Days To Come with a strong prospect for romance, hopefully culminating in making love. I wanted to feel like a high school kid whose parents were away and whose girlfriend was here for the night. I wanted that excitement, that thrill. Instead, I didnt even feel like part of an old married couple; I felt like a man whose former lover had stopped by, out of duty or pity or whatever. Lots of old memories, but no prospects. Karen made it down just as the pizza arrived, making me wonder if shed been watching for the delivery from the bedroom window. She got some glasses and a bottle of wine from the kitchen and settled in on the couch next to me. Looks good, she observed, putting a slice on a plate and handing it to me. She took one for herself, and poured us both some wine. She looked over at the television. She asked what I was watching, and she made a face when I told her it was Cool Hand Luke, with Paul Newman. She liked Paul Newman well enough, I supposed, but it wasnt exactly a relaxing movie. She suggested I see what else was on, so I flipped through the channels until we came to a show we mutually didnt mind watching. We ate the pizza in largely polite silence, watching the action unfold on the television. Wed seen episodes in the series before, and the show hadnt been great the previous times, but it was mindlessly predictable without being insultingly so. The cast was largely likeable and generally attractive, and the plot was, at times, credible. Karen didnt seem inclined to talk much, and the longer we went in effective silence the more I became aware of it. I wondered if she would go the rest of the evening without saying anything if I would let her, but I didnt really want to find out. When we finished the pizza we both helped clean up. In the kitchen I tried to break the silence. So, good trip? Long trip, she replied expressively. Im glad its over. I just want to relax the rest of the weekend.

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The Weight of Days To Come Do you have anything to show me from last weekend? I probed carefully, keeping my tone neutral. Karen gave me a puzzled look. What do you mean? You know, from your shopping trip with Terry, I elaborated. I figured you probably came back with a bunch of stuff. Maybe youll give me a fashion show I was, of course, alluding to her lingerie showoff a few weeks ago, but either Karen missed the reference or chose to ignore it. She shook her head and laughed. Oh, youd be bored. We mostly just caught up, did a lot of gossiping. More shopping than buying, but it was great. Im glad you had a good time, I replied, wanting to press her more but realizing the futility of doing so. Karen would tell me what she wanted to tell me, when she wanted to no more, and no sooner. I sighed, which caused Karen to look up at my curiously. You all right? I forced a lame smile. Just tired, I suppose. Long week. Karen nodded and smiled at me sympathically. Me too. I told her about closing the deal with Ken Swanson, and she raised her wine glass in salute. Well, that will be a nice payday, I assume, she said. She shook her head. I hope your Dr. Swanson knows what hes getting into. How do you mean? Karen laughed. Oh, you know Brian. Hes a piece of work. I could never work for him. I dont know your candidate and I just hope he understands what hes getting into. I bristled a little. I like to think I laid out the situation, and Brian and Ken had plenty of conversations. I mean, I didnt come right out and warn him Brian was anal, but he and Ken spent some time together and they both told me they liked each other.

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She raised her hand in mock surrender. Hey, hey Im not accusing you. I just know what Brians like. Im just saying, dont go spending your payment until this guy Swanson has his year in. I have thought of that, I told her coolly. I paused for a second, and relented. I am a little worried because his wife isnt coming out with him right away. She didnt like umm, where is the job? Indianapolis. She rocked her head side-to-side, indicating that it the wifes reluctance wasnt totally out of line, but not entirely obvious either. She didnt like it there? She twirled the wine glass in her hand. I shrugged. Ken says she did. I was kind of surprised when he told me about this. I explained how Id questioned Ken about taking the job if his wife wasnt coming, and hed been firm. Karen asked if there were children in school that were a factor, and seemed pleased to have her guess confirmed when I told her no. There you go, she concluded. Its on him. We drifted back to the family room and sat back down, but neither of us was particularly interested in the show. Karen looked over at me. If it helps, Tondo thinks youre doing a great job on his assignment. He and Patrick are very pleased with the candidates theyve talked to. I couldnt help myself. Including you? Karen cocked her head and considered her reply before answering. Well, of course theyre happy with me, she said lightly. Who wouldnt?

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The Weight of Days To Come I nodded my head to indicate agreement, but withheld any further comment. Karen must have caught something in my expression or my mood. What? she pressed. Her eyes were bright with calculation, trying to anticipate what might be on my mind. I shrugged. So are you taking the AD DX job seriously? Is that you asking or Tondo asking through you? she asked with a light tone of voice. Its your husband, I reminded her. Karens face conceded that Id made a fair point, and nodded in agreement. I guess I am, she conceded. It gets more interesting every time I talk to them. I think you helped push them to get a better handle on the job. She smiled. When I talked to Tondo that first time it seemed a little vague. She turned her head to the television, evidently ready for this line of conversation to be over. I almost let the moment go, so we could settle into a quiet comfort zone. But for some reason I didnt want to let it go. When were you thinking wed talk about it? I asked, trying to keep my tone of voice friendly, just a man asking his wife a casual question. Karen looked over at me. About what? I smiled at her helpfully. The job? You know, moving to San Diego and all? She nodded. Oh, that. She stretched languidly. I dont know. When things got more serious, I suppose. What, like when you got an offer? I had wanted to say this playfully, but it came out sounding somewhat accusatory.

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The Weight of Days To Come She reached over and tapped playfully on my arm. Dont be silly. Ive already had an offer. Just not one I consider serious yet. She looked back at the television, not expecting a reply. Again I almost let it pass. It should have been obvious that Karen wasnt prepared to have this conversation, at least not yet. But I didnt. So youre prepared for us to move? Despite my effort at restraint, my tone might not have sounded so light anymore. Karen frowned and looked over at me with some disbelief. Whats the problem? We never thought wed live here the rest of our lives, did we? San Diego thats a pretty nice place to live. Im just saying its still kind of a big decision. One that impacts us both. Karen studied me for a few seconds, and I felt that I was looking into the professional Karens eyes, the eyes and the expression she used when negotiating a tough sell. It was a little scary and I didnt like what I thought that made me in those eyes. Then she relaxed and patted me affectionately on my hand. Youre right, dear, she agreed sweetly. It is a big deal. Well definitely talk about it if I think things are getting really serious. OK? I wasnt entirely sure I believed her, but I had nothing I could point to to justify not. I forced a smile. Thanks. Im sorry I came across so strong. Karen nodded thoughtfully. Thats OK. Were both tired. She yawned and stretched out. Listen, lets watch TV in bed. Im beat and might as well get ready for bed. I nodded and we both stood up. I turned the television off and we turned the lights off. Karen put her arm around me as we started to walk upstairs. We can talk about this thing later in the weekend if you want to. But we didnt.

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Chapter 27 Karen was off on her next trip first thing Monday morning. The weekend had passed by surprisingly quickly, and in a largely companionable fashion. I had to admit that it was nice having her around, even though we each did our own thing for much of the time Karen understandably had quite a bit of catching up to do but went out to eat a couple times, cooked a big Sunday brunch, and hung out. We were like two roommates sharing the space. There were no fights, no tension, no drama, but no passion either. In retrospect, I realized it wasnt much different than many previous weekends, but now I noticed, and now I minded. The two things we did not do were to have a serious conversation about the future, or make love. Each moment of the weekend that went by without them nagged at me. I could have initiated either, but I wanted to see if Karen would, and she didnt. So by Monday morning I was feeling a little melancholy. We said our goodbyes and I got a quick kiss from Karen as she left, hurrying out the door to catch her flight. If she noticed my mood, she gave no indication. Id skipped going to the pool over the weekend, even though Karen worked out both days, and I still didnt feel like it Monday morning. Instead, I moped around the house all morning in a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt, not getting dressed or even getting on my computer. The house felt emptier than usual. Usually I was very comfortable spending time alone, and working from home by myself. Id done both before I married Karen, and even after getting married that hadnt changed, due to her time away from home. But something had changed since my bachelor days. The house was our house, not just mine. Id grown accustomed to hearing from her during the day, to talking with her before I went to bed at night, and most definitely to welcoming her home. Id grown used to looking forward to these things.

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The Weight of Days To Come I didnt feel like that now. Looking back at the weekend, I realized it was all too much like having a houseguest visiting, albeit one who slept in the same bed just platonically. The spark didnt seem to be there, at least not from her. As a result, I was almost afraid to hear from her, wasnt entirely sure I would, and the prospect of more polite but distant weekends filled me with dread. I had lunch at home, scrounging some cold cuts and chips, and dragged myself to my home office. Id not picked up several calls, and my inbox was full of unread emails. I returned a call from Brian Culpepper and endured his excited congratulations over the deal with Ken Swanson. They were finalizing the written agreement and Kens start date, but Brian told me he didnt see any problems. You know Kens wife isnt coming, dont you? I told him dutifully, although I didnt think it was my obligation. Brian fairly chortled, told me that he knew, but her not coming right away would allow Ken to focus more on the job in the first few months. I thought to myself that it could also serve as a distraction, but let it pass. Brian thanked me again and gave vague indications that there would be more work for me in the months ahead. Forcing myself to get to work, I went through my emails mechanically, deleting ones I didnt need, answering a few of the simpler ones, and putting aside for later any that required any serious thought. By three oclock I had drifted back down to the family room and flipped on the television, something I almost never did during business hours. The days when I could focus for eight, ten, twelve hours at a shot were long gone, even without the recent distractions. Still no updates from Karen, although her plane should have arrived hours ago. I thought about how my life would be if Karen did move to San Diego. We might just try the bi-coastal thing, although wed both seen how often those turn into fewer and fewer visits and unhappy endings. More likely, I thought glumly, her fleeing would mean wed

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The Weight of Days To Come separated, and wed gradually slide our way towards the divorce. All of my days would feel like I was feeling today. I didnt really want to go through all that. Id lived a lot of my life alone, and Id always been good at it. But the difference was, before, living alone was my life, and then Karen had filled my life with something more. Going back to being alone wouldnt be resuming my previous life; it would be like living the shell of the life Id come to know. Id have to figure out how to fill my days without the prospect of Karen, virtual or inperson. I wouldnt have her to look forward to, to tell things to, to listen to. Lord knows Karen needed little comforting, but I liked to imagine that my being in her life had been something that she enjoyed and maybe even took some pride in, and believing that was a source of great pleasure to me. Karen would be fine without me, I conceded, but I had grown used to leaning on the pillar of strength that was our relationship, and Id be wobbly without it. At some point Id have to think about dating again, unless I wanted to live like a monk the rest of my days. Dating ugh. Starting life over as a man in his mid to late fifties held little appeal to me. The odds that Id find another age-appropriate woman as great as Karen seemed almost as doubtful as the odds that Id convince some younger woman to take her chances on me. Ten years ago I might have attracted women at a variety of ages, but at my age the options were much more limited. Lots of divorcees and some widows, but we all had our histories and our emotional scars, and those build up. The old days were fun to think about, but that water had moved down the river already. I wasnt going to try to swim upstream to try to recapture my cavalier single days. I knew guys who did that, enjoying the good life with sports cars and pretty young things. Cynics might include Trevor in that category, due to Laura, but hed never really had a wild and crazy period after his divorce well, not too long a period, anyway. Guys who did that might think they were having a good time, but in my opinion they just looked ridiculous, and that wasnt something I was prepared to do. Maybe Id meet someone at

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The Weight of Days To Come the gym, or maybe Trevor and Laura would scheme to introduce me to some potential romantic partners, or maybe Id just sit at home alone and sulk. At least I had some good memories to remember. There were just too many years ahead, I brooded. Too much time to fill, too many quiet moments, and too many bad things ahead. My parents were going to get sick and eventually die, and Id have to witness and help deal with those. My own health was going to go in a steady decline. Things I took for granted now -- like walking pain free, visits to the doctor only for routine exams, eating pretty much what I wanted were all going to go out the window. At some point Id start needing daily prescriptions, worrying all day about when it was time to take which pill. I probably would have a hospital stay, or stays, for an accident or a condition I couldnt even foresee at the moment, and it would take something out of me that I would never get back. Swimming would be harder, if I was even still attempting to keep exercising. Id always given Marty and Sue lots of credit for sticking with it, but picturing my own efforts becoming that ungainly was not an appealing prospect. The movie idols in my youth were guys like Paul Newman, Clint Eastwood, or Steve McQueen cool, good-looking men Id have liked to emulate. Look at them now, though: two were dead, and Clint was wearing his age, looking very much like someones grandfather. McQueen had died young, so had been spared the indignities of age, if not of illness, but Paul had aged slowly and, towards the end, shockingly. If that was what happened to them, I brooded, how much the worse for me? None of these worries were new to me. Id been dwelling on them for months now, but the saving grace had been the fact that Karen had been in my life. They would still all happen with or without her, but the various indignities of aging somehow seemed less objectionable if she would be there to soften the blow. Still, I concluded, it wasnt fair to her for me to be a burden on her. If she had a chance to start life over, it was selfish of me to stand in her way.

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The Weight of Days To Come If Karen wanted to take the AD DX job and move away, she should do it, I decided firmly. It just made me sad. I wished I could curl up in a ball and die, or go to sleep and never wake up. It wasnt morbid, it wasnt selfish, it wasnt being depressed; it was simply a logical preference for what I wanted the rest of my life to be like. In my case, I simply preferred that the rest of my life not last so long, especially not under the circumstances I was anticipating that the rest of my life was going to look like once Karen left. No, I assured myself, there really was no point in dragging things out over a period of years. The one flaw was that, without Karen, I wasnt sure who would find out that I had died. People would miss me well, some people but the actual discovery of my lifeless body was something I couldnt figure out how would happen. Maybe my clients would wonder why I wasnt responding to their calls and emails, maybe my swimming buddies would think I was slacking off, maybe Robyn would miss our lunches, or maybe eventually my mailman might question the accumulating mail. I shrugged; it would not be my problem. Days, weeks, months could pass and it wouldnt matter to me. All that rationalization still left me with the central dilemma. Despite my willingness to accept death, I still had no mechanism to assure it. I had imagined various scenarios that required no action on my part, but I was realistic enough to realize the long odds against any of them coming to fruition in a time frame I would find acceptable. Nor had I developed an active method for ending my life that I felt confident about or willing to try. I didnt want to jump from the frying pan into the fire, so to speak; an aborted effort that left me, say, paralyzed would make life truly miserable. And having it happen to me was still preferable to making it happen. Id like to say that my pity party was short-lived and that I spent the rest of the day at my desk being productive, but I went to bed that night more dispirited than ever. Even a short good night call from Karen only served to remind me of what my life lacked.

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Chapter 28 I did make it to the pool the following morning. Sue was doing her slow but steady laps, while in an adjacent lane Mary was kicking away doggedly. I did some quick loosening up and hit the water. I was pretty sluggish at first, but gradually got more into it. Narrowing my focus to moving through the water ahead of me stroke by stroke, kick by kick, was a relief; no time or energy to worry about Karen or my life outside the pool. By the time I finished, I was tired but felt oddly vindicated and definitely more awake. While Id been swimming Marty and Carson had arrived. Carson was doing his own laps, while Marty was treading water near the end of the pool, talking to Sue and Mary. Sue was standing, wrapped up in her towel, while Mary was sitting on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water and holding her kickboard on her lap. I got out of the pool, went over to my stuff, toweled off, then walked over to the two of them. Hey, guys. Where you been, Marc Spitz? Marty teased. I pointed out that it had only been a few days since Id been there, but he pretended to dismiss my arguments, waving them away with a flourish of his arm. That lovely wife of yours keeping you at home? Youre not going to make the Senior Olympics if you keep skipping days. Thank God for that, I replied flippantly. Marty enjoyed those age-based competitions but, to be fair, he didnt have many serious rivals. I had no interest in making my swimming a competition, particularly when it was likely Id just get my ass kicked anyway. Not everyone likes to show off what an old geezer he is, Sue admonished Marty playfully. You like to win those little trophies, but the fact of the matter is youve just outlived your competition.

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The Weight of Days To Come Marty just shrugged tolerantly but seemed proud of the reference to his trophies. So Im officially a geezer? I asked in mock surprise. Sue giggled and touched my arm with her hand. Of course not, dear. Youre just a youngster. Her eyes sparkled. And a handsome one at that. Ah, Sue, I said gallantly, taking her hand and putting it on my chest. If only I were single. She batted her eyes flirtatiously and took back her hand. I looked down at Mary, with whom the idea of flirting never came up. How are you doing, Mary? She smiled at me with gratitude at having been noticed. Good, Im doing good. We watched Carson swim for a couple laps. He was better than I was, but nowhere near as good as Robyn. Hes putting in a good workout today, Marty observed approvingly. I asked how long hed been at it, and Marty estimated almost a half an hour. I asked Mary how long shed swum, and she told me shed done her usual twenty minutes. Im just cooling off, she explained, kicking her heels a little in the water. You going to actually swim today, Marty? I teased. He affected a hurt expression. Ive already done two laps. Ill do another two after I finish my break. I do intervals, you know better for my heart. Marty was proud of his regime, and no one ever had the heart to suggest he could work harder. I figured if I was still able to just get in and out of the pool at his age Id be grateful. Sue and I exchanged amused expressions. Just then Robyn walked out of the womens locker room, carrying her towel. She already had her cap, with her goggles resting on top of her head. Ah, its Esther Williams, Marty cooed longingly to us, too soft for Robyn to hear. He looked at me and rolled his eyes, knowing I might suggest again that he replace his nickname for her with someone of more current generation a Natalie Coughlin or Amanda Beard, for example. Marys

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The Weight of Days To Come smile faded and grew more thoughtful. I wondered if she was envious, or resentful. Sue looked over at Robyn with a friendly expression. She is a wonderful swimmer. Robyn made minor adjustments to her cap, ensuring her hair was firmly in place, but before she jumped in the pool she looked over stealthily at me. I doubted the others realized thats what Robyn was doing, but she and I had gotten used to making eye contact when we saw each other here. I thought back to her comments at our last lunch, and I suppose I felt a little lonely due to the current emotional distance from Karen. Before I could second guess myself I greeted her. Hey, Robyn, I shouted out, waving my arm. My voice echoed off the water. Come over and say hello for a minute. I didnt know who was surprised Robyn, or Sue, Mary and Marty. Even Carson stopped, evidently having heard while swimming. Robyns face had the expression of a deer caught in the headlight, not sure whether to bolt or to stay frozen. For a long moment I feared Id gone too far, thinking she was either going to ignore me or pick up and leave. In either event Id look like an idiot and probably ruin whatever burgeoning friendship she and I might have had. Fortunately, she recovered quickly. She put a brave smile on her face and came over to us, that smile plastered on her face like a kid going to see a relative who was going to pinch her face and otherwise embarrass her. Hello, Marc, she said formally when she reached our circle, standing slightly further away than most people would enter a conversational circle. Her eyes were back to being guarded. Hey, Robyn, I replied cheerfully, and actually felt that way. Robyn, this is Marty. Thats Mary with the board, and this young lady up here is Sue. Hello, dear, Sue said. I love to watch you swim. Robyn blushed. Carson swam over, having concluded a chance at meeting the mystery swimmer was more important than finishing his workout. And in the water there is Carson, I concluded.

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyn nodded at each of them but didnt repeat their names or say hello. I jumped in. I just finished up here. Marty and Carson are kind of in mid-workout. I can see that, she replied drolly. Robyn swam in high school, I explained to the others. Id say your lessons took pretty well, Marty complimented her. Youre very good, my dear. Thank you, Robyn murmured, shifting her weight nervously. How far do you swim? Carson asked, resting on his arms on the side of the pool and looking up longingly at her. Robyn shook her head. It varies, she said quietly, looking down but not in Carsons direction. Depends on what workout Im doing. She didnt intend to, but she sounded like what she was someone very good at something trying not to have to explain something complicated to someone who wasnt ready to understand what she might say. I suspected Robyns versions of workouts had more nuances than any of ours, and that she swam further in her workouts than all of us combined. You must have been very good in school, Sue praised. Did you swim in college too? Carson chimed in. Robyn looked at me for help, but I wasnt sure what to say. I was decent in high school, but my college didnt have a swim team, she told them at last. Wow, Carson exclaimed. You probably got scholarship offers from colleges that did. Im surprised you didnt take one of those.

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Maybe she was burned out, Marty interjected helpfully, noticing Robyn didnt seem happy with this line of questioning. All I know is that she makes our pool a more special place. He put his hand over his heart dramatically. You, madam, inspire me. Robyn had to smile at this, as did the rest of us. Thank you, but Im inspired that you and, um She paused as she looked at the other women, searching to remember their names. Sue and Mary, I added. Sue and Mary are so dedicated to it, she finished. And you are very good too, looking at Carson. I guess Im neither inspiring nor good, I lamented. Robyn looked in consternation at me, until she realized I was joking. We all laughed, except Robyn, who merely smiled uncertainly. She then took the opportunity to excuse herself in order to return to her workout. We all watched her, spellbound, as she got in the water and began her graceful strokes. After her head was safely in the water, Marty whipped his head around towards me. How long have you been holding out that you know her?

Chapter 29 Robyn hadnt stuck around to suggest we meet for lunch, but I showed up at the food court just in case. I got there a little early, and sat at a table doing emails on my phone. I texted Karen, @Lunch. Wish you were here, and was surprised to get a reply almost immediately, xoxo!!! I was surprised and inordinately pleased by her symbols of affection. It made me smile, but it also reminded me that she hadnt called or texted me

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The Weight of Days To Come in the morning. I almost missed Robyns arrival, not noticing her until she was a few feet away. Hey, there, she said gravely. I wasnt sure if youd be here today. She was wearing a dress, for a change. It was what I might call a cocktail dress; very simple, coming just to her knees, slightly scooped neck. It was dark blue, and she even was wearing shoes with small heels. I must have gawked more than usual, because she asked me what was wrong, sounding self-conscious. Wow, I exclaimed. You look very nice. You look like youre going to a fancy party or something. She made a self-deprecating face. Theres a reception after work tonight. One of the vice-presidents is retiring, so theyre having a little party. And you dont want to go? Robyn sat down at my table. Its one of the disadvantages of being a manager, she told me matter-of-factly. She shrugged. I try not to stay too long. And keep away from people who drink too much? I teased. That too, she agreed, not joking. I quickly got the impression that had been a problem, or at least a concern. Robyn had always dressed well, but Id never seen her dressed up like this, and she seemed a little out of her element. I realized that her other outfits were, in some odd sense, designed to hide just how attractive she was, even as stylish as they were. There was no disguising in this dress, and I had the impression she felt too exposed, as if she were practically naked, even though there was nothing at all indecent about the dress. I thought about the receptions she had to go to; I had the image of her standing in a corner trying to avoid talking to people, yet I was sure men would keep trying to talk to her, especially if she was dressed like this. It made me smile, and I had to hide it from her.

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyn urged me to get some food, so I went up and got a sub and chips from Subway; not my favorite meal, but they were pretty quick. I rejoined her, noting that she had waited for my return before opening her sack lunch. What do you have? I asked. Some salad from dinner last night, she told me. Mom made it, and there was just enough left for today. It did look pretty good, I had to admit, although I wasnt much of a salad man. I suggested we trade, not really meaning it, but she politely declined. Thats good. She might have poisoned it or something if she knew I might be eating it. You think my mom hates you enough to put poison in my food, in case you happen to eat it? I wasnt sure if she was teasing me or trying to decide if I was serious. I shrugged elaborately. I dont know. It could be like the guy in Princess Bride who builds up a tolerance to poison over time so he can trick someone into drinking poison. Robyns expression was dubious. I dont think she hates you that much, she asserted, carefully leaving it vague as to exactly how much she might hate me. I smiled at this small encouragement. She thinks Im going to hell, though, doesnt she? I intended it as a joke, but she didnt react that way. She nodded at me. Oh, yes, she confirmed seriously. Either she had a great poker face or she meant it. Lets see. Youre divorced, thats an eternity in hell. If you and your wife had premarital sex, thats another eternity. It doesnt sound like you go to church very often, so strike three. Should I go on? She shook her head to illustrate the severity of my situation. I kind of stop counting after the first eternity of damnation and hellfire. Not to mention everlasting torment, she pointed out. That too, I agreed. So I dont really have anything to lose, wouldnt you say?

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Robyn looked at me with a skeptical expression. Mom would say its never too late to repent. I gave her a sharp look. Do you agree with all that? You think people like me are going to hell? She looked down at her salad, making no move to start eating. I wasnt sure if she was praying, thinking of a response, or wishing she could just start eating. Finally, she looked up, unconsciously looking around before speaking, as if to ensure no one could overhear. I dont think so. I think you are a good person. I dont think you should go to hell. Despite my many sins, I teased, or attempted to. She held my eyes for a long moment, and then allowed a small smile to escape on her lips, like smiles were expensive and she couldnt really afford this one. It was gone before I was sure it really had been there. Despite those, she replied solemnly, and I wasnt quite sure if she was serious or not. With that, we each started in on our own meals. After a couple minutes Robyn paused. I liked your friends, she announced seriously. She waited for my reply. Well, they liked you too, I told her once I realized to whom she was referring. Im not sure you could really call them my friends, but Im sure theyd be happy to talk to you anytime you are there. She shook her head. Oh, no. I could never talk to them if you werent there, she informed me, as if it should have been obvious. I let it go, and we ate some more. As always, I was awed just to watch her. She made a science out of the simplest of actions, her posture perfect, her movements executed with grace. She even chewed well. I felt

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The Weight of Days To Come like a three year-old by comparison. After another few bites, she paused again and looked at me. What were you doing with your phone when I got here? I was somewhat nonplused. You know. First I was doing some emails, then Karen and I exchanged texts. Robyn considered this somberly, and something tipped me off. Do you text? I asked carefully. She shook her head slowly. I dont even have a cell phone, she confessed. She appeared to almost add to that, but stopped and looked down at her salad. Why not? It was practically incomprehensible to me that she wouldnt have at least a basic mobile phone. Robyn didnt look up right away, and finally raised her head slowly. My mom didnt think I needed one. That floored me, and I almost let it go. But I was too intrigued. Doesnt your mother want a way to get in touch with you? Robyn rocked her head back and forth slightly. Pretty much Im at work or with her, so unless Im in the car Im somewhere she can get a hold of me. Or here, I pointed out. She let a smile drift across her face. Or here, she agreed, and I had the definite impression that she enjoyed the times when she was out of reach with her mother. I let that sit there a while, and we both ate a couple more bites. Dont you ever want to get in touch with your friends when you are out? I asked. She had to think about that. I dont really have many friends, she admitted finally, and I had the awful feeling that there was another answer she had considered giving me that she rarely was out and about, away from her mother. I was beginning to really not like her mother.

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What about email, or checking the web? Robyn blinked, then slowly turned her face back to her food. I dont know, she allowed, then slowly took a bite of her salad. We have a computer at home but mom doesnt like me using it very long. I finished off my food and stuffed the remains into the bag. I thought carefully about the idea I had, dismissing it a couple times but not able to get rid of it. I asked her if she was almost done, then asked if she had a few extra minutes. She wanted to know why, but I just got her to admit she had some spare time. We disposed of our trash and I walked her out of the food court and into the mall. I took her to the Apple store. Robyn stood outside the store, entranced. I had to urge her inside the store. She moved slowly through the isles, moving her hands tentatively over the various devices, each slim and elegant in their own ways. She eventually looked over at me, and smiled brightly, like a little girl in a great toy store. I wanted to tell her about some of the mobile phones Id had over time and, in fact, still had a small museum of but I didnt want to come off as an old codger. So I did my best to appear familiar with the various Apple products, thus demonstrating how cool I was, until one of the staff found us. May I help you? he asked. He was a young man, in his twenties, wearing the appropriate t-shirt and official ID around his neck, yet his sneakers and jeans conferred more credibility by illustrating his youth. This young lady is looking for a phone, I told him gravely. Am I now? she asked me, more amused than surprised. The young man Ted, his badge said watched us. I nodded while winking at Robyn. I wanted Ted to understand that I was a sophisticated customer, on top of current technology, but I feared in his eyes

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The Weight of Days To Come my age disqualified me from being up-to-date. He tacitly assumed I was the money in this transaction and focused on Robyn. Ted asked what kind of phone she currently had, and looked in askance when she confessed that she didnt have one. I told him shed been living on a desert island, and he gave me a tolerant smile, still not really believing she didnt have a phone. Robyn almost smiled, and told Ted that she had read about mobile phones and had a pretty good sense of what they could do. See, I said proudly, which got a mock glare from her. Ted then did a very good job explaining the various phones and features all icons and iTunes and App Store and network speeds, some of which went over my head -- but in truth he had his sale as soon as he put one of the phones in her hands. She cradled it like it was a fragile ducking. Beautiful, isnt it? he noted. She nodded, and asked Ted to give us a few minutes, still holding on to the phone. Do you like it? I asked, moving a little closer. She nodded and looked down at it, pulling it a little closer. She practiced touching the screen, opening and closing some of the icons. It is beautiful, she agreed softly, smiling slightly and her eyes wide with wonder. Id never seen her look so open, and I liked it. Her face grew serious again. She shook her head. Id never be able to figure out how to use it. Come on, I admonished. Anyone can use them. Thats why I picked Apple. I gestured around us. Seriously look around you. You think all these people are smarter than you? The store wasnt very busy, but there was a decent mix of people, some of whom seemed more to be there to play with the various cool devices. A few seemed to have stumbled out of bed, and one doubted that theyd had to worry about what to wear at high school graduation. Robyn looked around and seemed to take my point, but wasnt quite ready to concede. Is this what you have?

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The Weight of Days To Come I shook my head. I was a Blackberry guy back in the day, but now I use an Android phone. Just never got into Apple. She looked at me steadily. But I should? I wasnt sure if she was putting me on or not. I shrugged, not quite willing to admit that, whatever else I thought of Apple, their work was beautiful, slim and elegant, and that reminded me of her. Its a young persons phone, I said at last. And, like I said, anyone can use one. Robyn still wasnt convinced. But at least theyve all probably used cell phones before. I havent. She studied the other customers for a few seconds. Her thoughts were as opaque as ever, but I was certainly thinking how they were nothing at all like Robyn. Still, I had no doubt she could figure out how to use the phone. I have faith in you, I reassured her. Robyn studied me for a long moment, then looked at the phone for several longer moments. When she looked up I thought I saw longing in her eyes. Mother wouldnt want me to. Thats easy, I assured her. Dont tell her.

Chapter 30 I was restless the rest of the afternoon, for reasons I couldnt really explain. I should have been feeling good about things. I had done, I thought, a good deed for Robyn by talking her into getting the phone. It might help her be more connected to things, be more like other people her age. Plus, I had to admit, I thought that it was way past time for her to be disobeying her mothers wishes about something. Of course, I wasnt going to have to bear the consequences of any fights between them it might cause, which made

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The Weight of Days To Come me feel a little uneasy. Of course, I probably would go to hell an extra eternity for my action, at least according to her mother, but what was one more time? Adam Silvester called to tell me he was very interested in the AD DX job, and told me to pass that along to Patrick and Tondo. Its a pretty interesting opportunity, he told me, and I think Id really bring something to the table for them. I told him that was why Id recruited him and what a favorable impression hed already made. Not too far back in my mind I was both calculating my fee and wondering if it would take the pressure off Karen to take the job. I heard Karen was interested in the job, Adam said casually. Any truth to that rumor? You know I cant confirm or deny, Adam, I replied, wondering whom hed heard it from. Probably directly from Tondo, or even Karen herself, both of whom would have had their own reasons for spilling the news. But even if it was true, youd give her a good run for the money. I bet you already know how much Tondo and Patrick like you. That was true, although even I didnt know how well they liked him versus Karen. In any event, it perked him up and we finished off the call; I promised to inform Patrick, and he and Tondo would decide if they were ready to start negotiating. What Adam didnt realize, nor Karen for that matter, was that there was another contender, a guy named Tom Petrovick. Tom worked for one of the big pharmacy chains. Id tried to recruit him for a couple jobs in managed care companies, never successfully but Id become very impressed with him. His background made him a bit of a long shot for the AD DX job, but his initial calls with Patrick and Tondo had apparently gone surprisingly well and they were rushing to get an in-person with him. He was over a decade younger than either Adam or Karen, and had a much more retail background, but he was very impressive. If nothing else, Id figured making Tondos acquaintance would bode well for future opportunities. While I was talking to Adam I started to doodle. It began as a square, which gradually evolved into, not surprisingly, an iPhone. I then gradually added Robyn to the picture,

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The Weight of Days To Come making her much smaller and holding it in her hands like a sacred object. The last phase of the drawing was an even tinier character, in the upper left corner. She looked like a wicked old witch, complete with the long nose, wart, and pointed hat. The witch had an expression of hate and power on her face, leaving one to wonder what she had in mind but left no doubt that it spelled trouble. I had no doubt the character was meant to be Robyns mom, and was glad that the call ended before I could add any more detail to the drawing.

I decided to stay in for supper, and stood in the kitchen deciding what to make. I hadnt done a recent grocery run, so I ended up boiling some water to make some pasta. I was making a salad when I thought about the knife in my hand. Itd be easy enough to slip, I thought, to gash my arm, my hand, maybe even my wrist. Maybe it would just be a nick, and I could hold it under the water, then put a Band-Aid on it. Or maybe, if I were a little sloppier using it, the cut might be deeper, maybe hit a vein or an artery. I could picture the blood spurting out, getting all over the island. I could call 911, or try to wrap it up and rush to the ER myself. If I reached someone in time, it would end up as just being a scar and a scary story. Or instead of calling for help I could just slump down, sit on the floor with my back against the counter, and watch my life flow out of me. I didnt even like paper cuts, so I wouldnt relish the initial pain of the knife cutting into my skin, but I reasoned that eventually Id go into shock and a certain calm might come over me. I could watch the blood pour out of me, rushing across the floor like a flood conquering new territories. It might even be pretty, in an abstract art kind of way, the red mixing with the white tiles in a jarring juxtaposition. Who knew; maybe I could look for shapes in the blood like I was watching clouds in the sky. It might not be a bad way to pass the time until I lost consciousness. It would be hell to clean up, but that wouldnt be my problem.

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The Weight of Days To Come I held the knife up in front of me. Karen had bought a very nice knife set for her cooking, and it was sleek and well designed. The shape of it was more stylized than it needed to be, but the design added beauty to the stark functionality that the keenly sharp blade delivered. Truly, it made the iPhone seem over-designed. I turned it around slowly so I could admire it from multiple angles, and it almost seemed a waste not to use it on myself. I put the knife down. Maybe a salad wasnt such a good idea, I decided. The phone rang then, just in the nick of time, and I saw it was Karen. Hey, I answered. Where are you? Hello yourself, she replied breezily. Im in the same time zone as you for once. Im up in Philly. Are you eating? I explained that I was just in the middle of cooking some pasta. You should have a salad too, Karen suggested. I had to figuratively bite my tongue. I looked balefully at the knife sitting on the counter. I thought about it, I admitted, but it seemed too messy. Too messy? Dont ask, I advised wearily. Tell me about your day. Karen proceeded to tell me that shed spent the afternoon with a client, whom she was taking out to dinner in downtown Philadelphia in another hour. Then tomorrow shed be meeting with a target customer. I should be home Thursday night this week, she concluded cheerfully. I agreed that would be a nice change of pace, while thinking for the first time that it actually seemed strange. I tried to picture Karen. It was possible she was at a Courtyard Marriott or a Holiday Inn Express, but knowing Karen, I suspected she was at a nicer hotel. I thought about what I

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The Weight of Days To Come knew about hotels there. Maybe the Ritz Carlton, or the Four Seasons. Then there was the old Bellevue. Someplace nice. I tended to like old hotels with some history and grandeur, but Karen seemed to prefer newer properties. Shed rather have a bigger room and fancy bathroom than an impressive lobby. I liked those too, but I was old-fashioned enough to like to be impressed when I walked into the hotel. Or a train station or theater. Unfortunately, places like that are getting fewer and fewer; call it progress. I knew I could have just asked Karen where she was staying, but it didnt really matter. I just pictured her in an idealized luxury suite, probably walking around unpacking or sitting at the desk working on her laptop. I liked to imagine her relaxing in a big fluffy robe, with only her lingerie underneath. It was a nice mental picture, and one that we once might have had some mutual fun with, but I was willing to bet she was still dressed in her business attire. Lobbies werent the only place that had less romance about them anymore. Hey, I probably shouldnt be telling you this, but Adam is definitely throwing his hat in the ring for the AD DX job, I told her, just to say something. I kept an eye on the pasta. If you are really interested it might not be a bad idea to let Patrick or Tondo know. I tried to sound nonchalant, but I was hoping it might spur her to open up and have a real discussion with me. Philadelphia wasnt that far from Cary, not in the scheme of things, yet I still felt far, far away from her. Is that so? she repeated carefully. Doesnt surprise me. Sure, you can let them know Im interested in a serious offer. You are? I asked, trying to keep the surprise out of my voice. Just like that? I was hurt and starting to get angry that this was how I was finding out about her intentions. Relax, boyfriend, she chided me playfully. I just said Id be interested in an offer. I didnt say Id take it. You probably shouldnt tell me that, I said dutifully, putting on my recruiter hat. AD DX was my client, after all. I didnt want her to get Patrick and Tondo all excited about

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The Weight of Days To Come landing her if she didnt mean it. She wasnt even my candidate; I shouldnt even be in the middle of them. Ah, Tondo knows how the game is played, she replied. It never hurts to talk. The worst is he makes me an offer and I say no. From a candidates perspective, Karen was absolutely right, but from Tondos point of view and from mine one kind of hated to waste time and emotional energy working on a candidate who proved to not be serious. Id lost more than one placement in similar situations, when my back-up candidate turned out to be no longer available and then the client moved on to someone else. Well, try not to string him along. Maybe we should talk more this weekend. Well see, she said ambiguously, making no promises. What else is going on? Did you close that job in Indy? The guy with the wife who wasnt coming with him? Karen was obviously changing the subject, and I let her get away with it. It wasnt worth trying to fight about, especially not over the phone. Karen was a better poker player than I was anyway, so if she was going to keep her cards close to her chest I was just going to have to wait. I told her we were just waiting to get the signed contract back from Ken Swanson, but I was still feeling bad about the prospects for his marriage. And my own. I eyed the knife almost longingly. I better get going, I told her. My pasta is ready.

Chapter 31 I dithered away the evening in my study. Most people probably would have spent the evening in the family room, but Id eaten my pasta there and it just felt too empty by myself. It reminded me too much of being there with Karen. I was already feeling her absence too acutely, and I didnt need to be reminded of it even more so. My study was a safer refuge, a place where I was accustomed to being alone.

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I sat on the couch, laptop in my lap while simultaneously watching TV. Or, at least, the television was on. I flipped back and forth between an action movie and a police drama, of which there seemed to be no shortage. Alas, these were not the classic Law and Order police stories, these were newer series, with quirkier characters, many of whom were women. The women tended to be gorgeous yet curiously single, and entirely capable to bringing down bad guys who were much larger. It was all right; I didnt get the impression we were meant to take any of it too seriously. I changed channels whenever a commercial came on, which was frequent, and prided myself at being able to keep track of the distinct stories despite the non-sequential nature of my viewing. It was hard to remember the days before cable. No, not hard to remember; it was all too easy to remember. What was hard was to imagine that there were so few choices, and that we all put up with the crap the networks showed. Despite that, I remembered lots of television shows from my youth, from the truly early days of television like I Love Lucy to the jiggle shows of the seventies. The ones I remembered might have been the cream of the crop, although My Mother The Car would seem to belie that, or maybe had just hit some chord. Many of them, of course, were now on Nick at Night or Retro TV, or available on DVD. Id tried to watch some of my fondly remembered series, like The Avengers, and had been disappointed by how poorly they held up. We must have graded more on a curve then, given the paucity of choices. I wondered idly how many different shows Id watched over time, or how many movies Id seen, between television and theaters. I probably could remember more names of characters from 1960s television shows than I could names of schoolmates, which seemed a curious abdication of reality. It was amazing that my brain hadnt overloaded on those memories alone, all the bits of trivia Id stored away about foolish entertainment options that, at best, served as historical markers for times gone by. Yet I continued to watch.

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The Weight of Days To Come When the tone for a text came on I assumed it was going to be Karen. It was still early for her going-to-bed contact, so I thought maybe she was letting me know she had a late dinner or meeting and would be in touch tomorrow. I had steeled myself for the disappointment of having to end my day without hearing from her, while wondering if I should be worried about what she might really be up to. I looked at my phone reluctantly and was surprised to see that it wasnt from Karen at all; it was a text from Robyn. Id given her my mobile number at the mall, and input hers in my phone, but I had to confess I didnt really expect to hear from her, especially not so soon. Does this work? the text read. Who IS this? I impishly responded, smiling to myself. Robyn. Robyn who? Youre teasing me, arent you? A little. I held the phone in front of me waiting for a response, which was slow in coming. I decided to be proactive. Where R you? I wrote. In my bedroom. Mom thinks I am reading. Sort of the truth. Her response took a couple seconds. Sort of. I wished I could see if she was smiling or worried, so I sent a ? The question mark that came back suggested that she didnt know what I meant. Colon then right paren. Means are you smiling.

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Yes. I tried to picture Robyn. I knew nothing of her house, much less her room, yet somehow conjured up the image of a Gidget-like room, complete with stuffed animals, ruffles, and lots of pink. Everything would be immaculate, of course, her clothes neatly folded in the dressers or hung with precision in her closet. Her shoes would be arrayed in their boxes or in a shoe rack. Shed be sitting up in her bed, maybe dressed in a Doris Day-like set of pajamas that her mother insisted on. The reality might be completely different, of course, and I didnt quite know why I pictured her like that. Perhaps she just reflected that kind of innocence to me. Like your phone? Love it. Still dont know how to use all the features. Tried the web? YES! Very cool. Where is home PC? In den, but mom watches. The phone was kind of like the transistor radio had been for Gidget: entertainment and connection with the outside world that her parents couldnt control. I had the strong feeling that nothing happened on the television, radio, or computer at Robyns house that her mother wasnt at least aware of and, more likely, had to approve. She might not come right out and declare dictatorship, but that didnt mean that over time she hadnt worn people down into doing what she wanted. Robyn was too old to be under her

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The Weight of Days To Come mothers thumb. I hadnt met the woman, and Robyn hadnt come right out and complained, but if her mother didnt trust me, Id have to say the feeling was mutual. Next well have 2 get you on Facebook. Seriously. Robyns reply took a few seconds. Why? Lets you share things w/ friends & vice-versa. There was a pause before her reply appeared. Who would care about what I am doing? I debated my response, but ended up giving in to my original impulse. I would. Another pause. Sweet of you, but I lead boring life. Then you can read about other peoples lives. Ill think about it. One problem. What? I almost had given up on her replying, and was getting ready to send a follow-up when her response came. It almost broke my heart. No friends. . I didnt want to believe that was true, but the weight of the evidence was that it could be. I didnt think Robyn would say that just for sympathy; she seemed remarkably clear-eyed

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The Weight of Days To Come about herself about her life. It just made me sad. I knew what I wanted to tell her, and finally did so. You have me. Was I really Robyns friend? And, if so, why? If I was being honest with myself, I didnt know that much about her. Id never been to her house, or vice-versa, and didnt expect either of those to change. I knew some things about her mother, none of which made me want to meet her in person. All I knew of her was gleaned from our lunches, and from observing her at the pool. I liked the way she swam, I guessed. Maybe we were going to become cyber-friends, but Id miss the lunches. There was something sweet about her; she had an innocence that spoke of opportunities missed. The cloistered existence she had with her mother had robbed her of too many chances to lead her own life. Some part of me that I hoped was gallant rather than opportunistic made me want her to have better, wanted her to have chances for a richer life. I supposed I felt sorry for her, but our budding friendship wasnt based on pity. There was a gem hidden inside her carefully cloaked exterior, and I thought it would be rewarding to help expose that to the world. Robyns response to my text was not what I expected. It consisted of a picture of her. I couldnt make out much of the room behind her, and the picture was slightly off-center, but her smile came through clearly. It was a nice smile, if self-effacing. I quickly snapped a picture of myself, smiling and making the OK sign, and sent it off. Better go now. Night, Marc. See you @pool? 2morrow? Yes. That ended the exchange, and I put the phone down, wondering what Pandoras box Id opened.

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Chapter 32 I whiffed on my first attempt to hit the golf ball. I furtively looked around to see if anyone noticed, and tried to casually stretch, as though my swing was part of my warmup. I lined the club up very carefully for my next attempt, kept my head down with my eyes focused on the ball, then pulled the club back slowly. I let the club come forward and tried to keep my downswing smooth and even only to top the ball. It bounced out a few yards. Maybe I should have let you rent some clubs, Trevor said thoughtfully, standing at the next tee. Trevor had invited me to go hit golf balls with him Sunday morning. Karen and Laura were doing a fund-raising 5k, jogging or power-walking it. Neither of us was sure which charity it was for, but we did know that we had each volunteered to contribute to it. Trevor had been after me to play golf for years. He was a pretty good golfer, and had used it strategically in his CEO days. I never saw the point of it; it took too long, and in North Carolina it was usually too hot to play. Karen had suggested on several occasions that it might be something we do together when we eventually retired, but that remained to be seen. Hitting balls at the driving range, though, was something I didnt mind, especially if the alternative was to walk in some charity event. There were a scattering of other people at the driving range, almost all of them men and most of them younger than I was. Collectively, we formed a large semi-circle, or maybe a quarter-circle, with large gaps between, except for people hitting together, like Trevor and me. It allowed a degree of anonymity, which I welcomed. I felt self-conscious enough about my poor golfing ability. I knew Trevor would only tease me moderately, but if there had been anyone next to us I would have hit even worse.

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The Weight of Days To Come It was a warm day, although not quite hot, so the sun felt good. The range in front of us was peppered with golf balls from the mornings efforts. The yard markers boldly marked off each fifty yards, out to a four hundred yard marker that basically dared anyone to reach it. I certainly wasnt expecting to. I teed up another ball, and managed to drive it out thirty yards or so. Trevor was sharing his clubs with me. I shuddered to think how expensive they were. I didnt know much about golf clubs, but I figured his bag had a few thousand dollars worth of clubs in it. Trevor hit his own shot, sending a ball a couple hundred yards out into the range. Nice hit, I commented. He looked over at me and smiled encouragingly, then took another ball out of his bucket. I did the same. Eventually I started to connect with a few of the balls. I never got anywhere near the distance Trevor made look easy, but at least I sometimes got the balls out past the one hundred yard marker. They probably would have gone further if I didnt keep slicing or hooking; I wasnt even consistent about how I hit my bad shots. See, youre getting it, Trevor encouraged me after one particularly decent shot, which reached a hundred and fifty yards, counting the roll. Why dont you try a driver? I eyed the drivers in his bag, with their huge heads. I dont know, I said dubiously. Seems like a lot of firepower. Yes, but when you connect youll really notice, he promised. I put away the five iron Id been using and selected the biggest driver in the bag. Youre sure I cant break it? I asked nervously. Well, Im not sure, but if you do I can always beat you with my iron. He waved his iron in the air to re-enforce the point.

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The Weight of Days To Come Ah, now were getting into the tough love part of the coaching. I glared at him for effect. Trevor grinned at me. Whatever works. My first shot with the driver sliced so badly that the golfers far to our right looked up in surprise. I followed their lead and looked over to my left as if trying to pinpoint the source of such an errant shot. I shook my head at the ineptitude of the fictitious duffer and innocently teed up another ball. Trevor reminded me to just relax and not force it, and my next shot actually flew down the range a good distance the air, then bounced and rolled a few yards further. I stood to watch it, and Trevor paused between shots to notice my admiration. See its not such a stupid sport. The thing with golf was that it seemed so arbitrary. Id say that maybe a third of my shots were absolute duds, grounding out or veering off in some direction so badly that I feared for anyone to either side of me. Maybe more like forty percent. Most of the rest of my shots were what I could only generously call mediocre, heading in roughly the right direction and staying in the air somewhat longer than I might have been able to throw them. They never went nearly as far as Trevors worst shots, which was pitiful, but I figured that was more due to the fact that he practiced more than I did, rather than him being stronger or more athletic than I was. About one in twenty shots, though, were a mystery. I could tell right away from the sound such hits made, a good solid noise that was less about power than about purity. A well hit baseball made an equivalent noise, and for all I knew a perfect punch would too. When I hit one like that, I saw the appeal of golf and immediately after the shot thought: how did I do that? They seemed like the easiest, most natural shots, yet inevitably my attempts to replicate what Id done failed, until the next magical time. One in twenty might be giving myself too much credit. Good shot, Trevor said approvingly after one such shot. I told you it was easy.

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I rolled my eyes. Yeah, sure. I teed up my next ball, and, sure enough, grounded it out. If I had been playing baseball the pitcher could have fielded it with his bare hand. If we were actually playing, Id have to string a bunch of shots like this to follow up on my good shots. It would take forever. I shook my head. At least at the driving range there are no penalties for bad shot every shot starts fresh. There is that, but you cant keep score at the driving range. He turned his attention back to the ball, focused, and sent it flying far out into the distance. That probably summed up the difference between Trevor and me when it came to golf. If it was just about going out and hitting some balls, I could see doing it for fun. Trevor liked the keeping score part of it, and his competitive nature probably was also why hed been the CEO of a Fortune 500 company while I was content to run my little one man business. Maybe it summed up the difference between us, period. We finished up our bucket, then went to the snack bar to get something to drink. Trevor got an Arnold Palmer, true to the golf traditions, while I got lemonade. We sat at a table in the shade, such as it was. Out of the sun, and with a small breeze, it was very comfortable. That was fun, Trevor said expansively. We should do it more often. We should, I agreed, after swigging down about half of my soda. Id worked up a good thirst and was sweating. My arms and back were feeling a little sore from the unfamiliar exercise, and I already knew Id be even sorer in the morning. I didnt hit golf balls very often, and my body punished me for surprise exertions. I studied Trevor for a moment. He looked cool, comfortable, and entirely at ease here, even though his golf clothes were crisply expensive, which was not quite the norm at this suburban driving range. I was rather more casual, dressed more for a trip to the grocery store or the mall, and my style was more in line with most of the other golfers around us. Trevor didnt seem to notice or care that no one else was as nicely dressed as he was, and one of the things I liked about Trevor was that he always seemed like he fit in, no matter where he was, no matter

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The Weight of Days To Come if his style was at odds with the people around him. It was a kind of arrogance, if you thought about it, but the thing I liked about him was that he didnt think about it. Who do you think is having more fun the girls or us? Trevor smiled. Id hope us. Im just glad Lauras not out spending money. Our usual agreement is that when I play golf she gets to go shopping, so at least shes not near a store today. There is the matter of your contribution to the charity, I pointed out. He took a drink. Ah still cheaper than some of her shopping trips. If its clothes or even shoes, theres only so much damage she can do, but if she gets to looking at home furnishings or jewelry, then I get nervous. You love it. Trevor smiled modestly. Hey, its worth it. I like to work out with her just to watch her in her little outfits. He smiled wistfully at the thought. You probably feel the same way about Karen, he added kindly. Something like that, I agreed, thinking of how I rarely worked out with Karen. For that matter, how rarely I got to see her at all lately. Shed arrived home on the red-eye Saturday morning, and the day had flown past without us seeming to spend as much time together as I might have expected. Here Sunday was, starting out the same way. I thought about the little fashion show shed done a few weeks before and wondered why there hadnt been repeat occurrences. Ive been thinking about getting busier, Trevor told me, studiously not looking at me. He took a measured sip from his cup. I thought you liked being with Laura so much.

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I do, he agreed, then shot me a sly smile. But I need to do more. Being on Boards, even that Governors thing, isnt enough. You going to start another company? I asked, and I selfishly couldnt help but wonder if hed have some assignments for me if he did. Maybe I was soon to retire, maybe I was soon to be dead, but my business instincts hadnt entirely disappeared. Maybe, he allowed, then gave me a coy look. Some people are talking to me about running for office. Youre kidding, I responded automatically. I smiled at him. Dogcatcher? He acknowledged the shot, and shook his head. Nope. Higher. I studied his face for clues. State representative? State Senate? Its all very premature, he assured me gravely. Depends on when certain people retire, what happens with some other races, and so on. But no. Were looking at federal options. He smiled modestly, pleased with himself. Well, I said. Very impressive. You really think youd be happy in politics? Trevor shook his head. I tell you, Ive always wondered about some of the elected officials I know, and this Governors Commission thing has really opened my eyes. I dont know if Id like it or not, but I thought maybe they could use a few more people who know how to make things work. Thatd be you, I agreed.

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The Weight of Days To Come Plus, Laura thinks itd be cool. He grinned, and the implication was that his potential political power was kind of a turn-on for her. When it comes time, if it comes time, for fundraising and such, you just let me know, I offered, wondering if Id be around for it. To be honest, part of me couldnt see Trevor being happy playing politics and, if he was lucky, passing some laws, but part of me agreed with his assessment that maybe we needed people like him. I also wondered if all this was really a way to show off for his young wife, if he worried that shed think less of him if she thought he was truly retired. Thats the trouble with trophy wives; you have to remember that they are collecting you as well, and tarnish shows up faster as you get older. Trevor nodded appreciatively at my offer to help with his future fund-raising, although I doubted hed ever push very hard about it, and we sat in silence for a little bit, enjoying the slight breeze and the sounds of the golf balls being hit. After a suitable pause, Trevor asked me how things were going with my business, and I told him about the search I was doing for Tondo, whom Trevor knew slightly. I also mentioned how Tondo was recruiting Karen for the job at the same time. Sounds like Tondo, Trevor noted sagely. He plays his own angles. That he does, I agreed. Trevor peered at me more intently. Is she interested? Youd have to ask her, I replied with studied casualness, looking at my soda. He nodded to himself and sipped his Arnold Palmer again. I see, he said at last. You dont want her to take the job? I shrugged. Its a great job, for someone. And shed be good at it. But its in San Diego.

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The Weight of Days To Come He raised his eyebrows. Great weather. Great golf courses. Lots of nice places to live out there. Plus, of course, the ocean and all that. I exhaled heavily. Yeah. I know. Thats what I tell the other candidates. So whats the problem? I looked over at the driving range, watching the remaining golfers hit. It was reassuring to see some of them occasionally hit shots that rivaled some of my worst, although even more dismaying to see some of the young guys effortlessly whacking the ball further than even Trevor did on his best. Youth will be served. I wondered what the odds were that an errant shot could come my way and hit me in the head. Thatd be a good way to go quick death and a great story for Trevor and his friends to tell. But, alas, none came anywhere near us. Besides, what if it just broke my jaw or put out an eye? Plus, if the poor kid did manage to kill or maim me, he would probably be scarred for life. He might not face any criminal charges, unless he was just being reckless, but killing someone with your golf ball had to weigh upon you for the rest of your life. It was hard to see how anyone could play again after that. I shook my head again and tried to get back into the flow of the conversation. Im not sure I want to move. Trevor looked puzzled. Why? Im glad you live nearby, but youre not really tied here, are you? And your business should be pretty portable, right? He was right. What he said made sense, and they were arguments Id made to myself. I dont know, I admitted at last. I made a pained smile. I guess Im getting old. Trevor didnt know what to make of that. His fingers absently wiped away condensation on his cup, and he glanced out at the driving range for a few seconds. So you said last time. Do I have to remind you again youre not so old, he said at last. That youre younger than me.

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The Weight of Days To Come Yeah, but youve got the young wife, I said, trying to pass it off as a joke. Karen is a great wife, he countered, then paused to look at me. Hell, I dont feel old. Im probably in better shape now than I was in my twenties. Im still sharp, still full of energy. I eyed him contemplatively. You are, indeed, I agreed slowly, and took a drink of lemonade. And you, Trevor argued. Youre working out and all. Youve built a good business, making good money, have Karen in your life. I bet you wouldnt trade now for anytime else in your life. I nodded, listening but also lost in thought. I looked at Trevor. I suppose not, I replied without enthusiasm. Not knowing what I know now. I sat forward. The thing is, back then, I didnt know better. I didnt really think about how Id feel when I got older. Now I think about it too much, and theres nothing about it that I like. Trevor looked at me with a slight frown. I knew hed lost his own father a few years ago, and his mother had live-in help to allow her to keep living on her own. Hed seen his peers retired and happy to spend their days on the golf course, claiming to be happy but showing their age and losing their edge. He knew what I was talking about. He held his cup in front of him. Damn. Too bad I dont have a real drink, something with a kick in it. He laughed, and the laughter slowly drained away. We sat in uncertain silence for a while, with the periodic sounds of golf balls being whacked punctuating that silence. It seemed fitting somehow. We both let our attention wander out to the golfers at the range. That one kid on the third tee can really hit the ball, Trevor observed in admiration.

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The Weight of Days To Come Not bad. Every once in a while, though, he hooks like crazy. The guy, oh, four slots towards us isnt as dramatic about it but his shots are always straight. I bet hes got a better handicap. Trevor watched them hit for a few more shots, then took another drink and looked back at me resolutely. Whats this all about, anyway? All this feeling old shit? You just dont feel like moving? I shrugged and exhaled heavily. I guess. I dont know. It shouldnt really matter. Lots of people like to stay where they are, he pointed out. Itd take a lot to get me to move. Doesnt make either of us old. But you could, I wanted to say. It wouldnt be overwhelming to you. Youd stay because you had too many things to do here, not because you were afraid of taking on a new life. Youd stay because your life here was something you looked forward to. But I didnt say any of those things. I didnt think hed understand. We were friends, but I couldnt explain to him that the years ahead bore down upon me like the icebergs did to the world during the Ice Age. The time ahead looked bleak, cold, and barren of life. But, no, I didnt say any of that. I just shook my head. Is it Karen? he pried shrewdly, if not quite correctly. When we had lunch a few weeks ago you mentioned something about Karen being away too much. I looked out to the driving range and Trevor did as well, implicitly agreeing this was a line of conversation in which perhaps eye contact was not preferable. This was a good diversion; Trevor could understand me feeling blue about a woman. It wasnt the right thing to do, it wasnt a brave thing to do, but I let him believe he was on the right track. I told him about her weekend in Minneapolis, and about how it seemed she called less often when she was away. Not much to go on, he concluded when Id finished, or at least stopped talking.

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Not much, I agreed with no enthusiasm. Listening to myself talking Id just made myself more depressed. The prospect of losing Karen did bother me, more than Id admitted to myself. I took a deep breath. Like I said maybe Im just getting old. Faster than she is. I hear you, buddy, Trevor said gruffly. He looked over at me. You talked to Karen about this? Not so much. I try to get her to talk about the job but she keeps putting me off. What about thethe other stuff? I laughed mirthlessly. No. Not an easy topic. I hear that, he agreed fervently, no doubt remembering a conversation or two he might have had along those lines in his life. He finished his drink and crumbled it up, evidently finished with the conversation. Theres always today, he reminded me, indicating that we should stand up.

Chapter 33

Despite Trevors advice, the rest of Sunday came and went without a serious discussion with Karen. We had brunch with our wives, who were very pleased with their fundraising efforts, then Karen and I went home. One thing after the other, and the day passed. Next thing I knew it was Monday morning and she was off again, giving me a quick hug and an even quicker peck. I didnt even feel up to going to the pool, as my body felt even creakier than usual due to the prior days efforts at the driving range. I just moped around my office making half-hearted attempts to update my network contact

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The Weight of Days To Come information. I should have been making calls to connect to try to see about some new assignments, but I fell back upon the more passive email approach. Tom Petrovick called, wanting to know if Id heard any more about the AD DX job. Ive got a couple other irons that are starting to heat up, he warned me, but Im really interested in this one. His comment made me realize I hadnt heard from Patrick or Tondo for a few days, which was a little unusual. After hanging up with Tom I tried Patrick and got his voice mail. I left him a message, then tried Tondos mobile, but it went straight to voice mail as well. They were both busy guys, and for all I knew they were meeting with each other, but for some reason I felt a little paranoid that they were avoiding me. I hadnt had trouble getting in touch with them before. My feeling grew more pronounced when I hadnt heard back from them by the end of the day. Karen checked in about eight, from Houston. She cheerfully chattered on about how hot it was and how bad the traffic was, and I kidded her that neither was likely to deter her from shopping while she was there. If I have time she conceded. Ill take that bet. I bet you would, she laughed. The phone connection was good, her voice sounding like she was sitting right next to me, but I still felt every one of the two thousand miles that physically separated us. She was in her element in a luxury hotel, in a busy metropolis, getting ready for a day of business wheeling and dealing. I could picture her in the meetings, dressed to the nines and professionally managing any and all objections that the prospect might try to throw out. It made me think about how little Id accomplished during the day; I felt bad because I didnt feel worse about not having been more productive when Id had the chance. She was passing me by. Once upon a time wed have tied up the phone for a long time, maybe even flirted or even had some phone sex. We could have been using the video. Instead, here we were with this fragile audio connection, and having a hard time coming up with things to talk

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The Weight of Days To Come about. I felt a surge of affection for her; proud of her, nostalgic about the good times wed had, wanting her to be happy. I hadnt fallen out of love with her, but I was preparing myself to accept that being with me might no longer be what was best for her, not what would make her the most happy. With kind of a lump in my throat, I asked her, as casually as I could manage, whether shed heard from Tondo lately. There was only a slight pause, which most people might have missed, before she responded. You know, it has been a few days, she admitted. Maybe he doesnt like me any more. She laughed again, this time at the ridiculousness of such a notion, and I made myself laugh as well. Meanwhile, I was wondering: if Tondo wasnt talking to her, and he wasnt talking to my candidates, and he wasnt talking to Karen who was he talking to? We made small talk for a few more minutes, and hung up.

I made it to the pool Tuesday morning. I was still sore but not enough to justify skipping another workout. Carson was dutifully doing his laps, but Marty and Sue were standing by the pool talking when I arrived, so I walked over to them. Sue was holding a kickboard, which wasnt typical for her. Her suit was colorful, and her cap matched it, but her face looked a little wan. Whats with the board, Sue? She made a faint smile. Oh, feeling a little under the weather today, so I thought I might take it a little easy today. Youll feel better once you get going, Marty assured her jovially. I suggested that perhaps she should just take the day off if she wasnt feeling well, but Sue shook her head and told us she was fine. You forget Im an old lady, she reminded us with that same faint smile.

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The Weight of Days To Come Just then Robyn emerged from the ladies locker room, so I waved her over. She hesitated just for a half-second, then made her way over to us. I was struck again at how she managed to make walking look like a disguise, hiding her grace and making her seem smaller and less beautiful than she was. Gazelles probably had the same trick, trying to make lions think they werent worth the chase in the African sun. We exchanged hellos. Carson wandered over once he saw Robyn was with us. Well, I better get to it, Sue said bravely, sighing heavily. I again urged her to not overdo it, and she shook her head in mock exasperation. Ill be fine. She walked over to the far lane, sat down on the edge of the pool, and slipped in. She adjusted her swim cap, steadied her board and started kicking, moving slowly down the lane. Carson shook his head. Seems like cheating, using the board like that. Id never do that. He looked at Robyn. I bet you wouldnt either. Robyn looked over at Sue. Actually, its a good part of a training program. Helps work your legs more. She looked back at us, and winked at me when Carson looked away for a second in surprise. I wasnt sure if she was teasing Carson or simply standing up for Sue. Marty asked what kind of workout Robyn had planned, and Robyn did her best to minimize it. I was staying out of the conversation, just happy to stand there next to Robyn. I liked seeing her in her sleek swimsuit, I liked watching her talk, and I liked just being with her. I was thinking of things I might add to the conversation, just to prolong being with her a little longer, even though it just delayed both of our workouts. Martys too, for that matter, but I was pretty sure he didnt mind. I felt a little guilty about delaying Robyns swim, but I didnt want to cut the conversation short either. Had she not been there, I might have been paying more attention to Sue. Maybe if Id have been paying more attention, everything would have been different. That perhaps wasnt fair; had Robyn not been there, I might have just gotten in the pool myself and

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The Weight of Days To Come started my workout. Or maybe even if Id noticed Sue immediately it still might have been too late to help her. Ill never know, and that was going to bother me for the rest of my life. In any event, it took me longer than it should have to realize that the pool was too quiet; I couldnt hear sounds of Sues kicks, only the sound of Robyn and Martys voices echoing off the water. I looked over to Sues lane and saw her floating on top of her board, her legs not moving. I knew right away that it didnt look right. Sue, you all right? I called out. Sue? Robyn and Marty stopped talking and turned their heads over to where I was looking. Sue? Marty called out anxiously. Carson stood there dumbly. There was no response to either of our calls; she just floated there, bobbing slightly as the pools waves pushed her up and down. From that distance, I wasnt sure if her head was in the water or just near the water, but whatever she was doing, I didnt like it. I liked to believe I hit the water first, diving in and setting off as quickly as I could towards her in the water, but I had to admit that Robyn beat me to her. I heard her dive and saw her pass me underwater. She was holding Sues head up when I surfaced next to her. Shes not breathing, Robyn said tersely. Shes not? I repeated stupidly. I couldnt believe something serious had happened. She shook her head. Quick, lets get her out of the water, I suggested, trying to fight off the panic. I yelled at Carson to help, and out of the corner of my eye saw Marty take off towards the lobby, presumably to get help. By the time wed managed to maneuver Sues inert body out of the pool, things had started to happen. One of the clubs attendants arrived at a dead run. What happened? he asked, kneeling next to us. Carson, Robyn and I stood in a small semi-circle around her, Carson a half-step further away with a sick look on his face. I dont know, I replied. We looked over and she was floating there.

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The Weight of Days To Come Shes not breathing, he observed unnecessarily. He was a young guy, at most in his twenties, and his expression was a mixture of panic and disbelief that this was happening on his watch. He looked at us in hopes that we were going to help him. Do you know CPR? I had the training but its been a while. Robyn told him that she did, and took a position next to Sue. She started chest compressions while the attendant and I looked at each other helplessly. Carson slipped back another half-step, his arms wrapped tightly around his chest. Id be the first to admit that I wasnt thinking very clearly at that moment, but as I watched Robyn labor over Sues inert body I had one recurring thought: it should have been me. If someone was going to die at this pool, I wanted it to be me. Sue had always seemed like a happy, cheerful person, with lots to live for. For all I knew, she had a family, gave lots of time to charity, was a regular churchgoer all reasons to live. I was ready to die, thought I wanted to die, yet it was her laying like a dead fish on the floor. Life was not fair. Within a couple more minutes wed drawn a small crowd. A young man, maybe in his mid-thirties and dressed for his workout, arrived and told us he was a doctor. He took over from Robyn while he calmly asked us what had happened. I told him the same story Id told the attendant, which basically was that we didnt know. I think shes had a heart attack, the doctor assessed. This didnt appear to fluster him. This wasnt his first time seeing a non-responsive body. He managed to appear concerned and calm at the same time. Will she be all right? Robyn asked, breathing hard from her efforts. The doctor kept up with his compressions, but managed to look up long enough to give us a small but decisive shake of his head. Robyn and I looked at each other, hardly believing what was happening. Within ten minutes from our initially noticing Sue, the emergency squad had arrived, a stocky middle-aged man and a stringy blond woman with a few visible tattoos. They

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The Weight of Days To Come came at a controlled rush, pushing a stretcher in with them. Very professionally, they got an update from the doctor. He stopped long enough for them to transfer her to the stretcher, but I saw the look pass between them and I knew the prognosis wasnt good. The clubs attendant told them hed get her purse and belongings from her locker and get them to the hospital. Ill meet you over there, I volunteered, somewhat to everyones surprise, including my own, and was surprised but pleased when Robyn offered to come along with me. I met her in the lobby a few minutes later. Id thrown on the sweats Id come in, and Robyn had elected to put on the jeans and top she must have come in, rather than changing to her more normal work outfit. She was carrying both her bag and a second bag, which she explained was Sues; the attendant had delegated to her getting Sues processions to the hospital when hed heard she was going to the hospital after all. He did say hed call the emergency contact listed in her membership information, she told me. He didnt know who it was.

Things didnt get better at the hospital. It was still pretty early in the day, so the ER wasnt very busy, with only a couple people waiting in the waiting area. The ER looked modern, with bright walls and several small waiting areas filled with indestructible furniture, arrayed around a central triage desk. It came across as trying to look like a hotel lobby, but came across more as the lobby in a nice high school. When Robyn and I walked in I wondered if anyone else waiting would look at us and wonder which of us was sick or hurt, of if we were there for another patient. I neednt have bothered; there were only two people there, a young mother and her very young daughter, and they didnt even look up at us. The mother held her daughter in her lap, stroking her hair gently while keeping a close eye on the restricted access door, behind which I assumed were all the doctors. Since Robyn and I werent Sues family, we had a hard time getting anyone to give us any information on her. We told the receptionist a brief version of her story, including

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The Weight of Days To Come the fact that we had Sues bag and wallet, and she told us to wait. So we took a seat in the bland waiting area, sitting a discrete distance away from the young mother. After about ten minutes a doctor emerged and headed towards us. Youre with Sue Martin? He was another young guy not that long out of medical school or at least residency. He seemed tired and had dark circles under his eyes. I wondered if his shift was just beginning or if hed been here all night. We confirmed that wed come from the health club with her. He shook his head sadly. Im sorry, she didnt make it, he told us, running a hand threw his hair in frustration. Massive coronary. There was nothing you could have done. The news hit hard. It shouldnt have been a surprise, given how shed looked when we last saw her, but somehow I wasnt prepared for it. Television shows prepare us for miracles, reviving even hopeless patients through the heroics of the doctors. They didnt do so well at acknowledging that sometimes people are too old or too hurt or too far gone, that they die before anyone was ready. In my head I suddenly had a small future scene of the same doctor telling Karen that I hadnt made it, leaving her with the same surprise I was feeling. I had to stop the scene before I got to the part of observing what grief she might show. I didnt even know she had a heart problem, I said numbly. She said she wasnt feeling well. Thats why she was using the board today. The doctor tilted his head at me, and I realized he didnt know about the pool or the kickboard, but he didnt ask for clarification. It probably didnt much matter; he had to move on to his next case. She was your? he asked. We had to explain to him that we werent family, just knew her from the gym. Robyn remembered to let him know we had her purse and her clothes, which flummoxed him for a moment. After a moment of thought, he directed us to the admissions office. There was an African-American woman manning the desk there who looked like shed heard every story, more than once. She listened to ours, and it was clear that it was by no

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The Weight of Days To Come means the most unusual. Im sorry to hear about your loss, she said at last. Ill have the social worker come talk to you. She glanced at her computer screen, then eyed Sues bag. A thought occurred to her. I wonder if youd mind filling out a few forms for your friend, she asked nonchalantly, like we were doing a favor for Sue rather than saving her some work. I almost passed on her suggestion, but Robyn took them and we went back to our chairs to work on them, using the contents of her wallet to get the pertinent information. It was like a little jigsaw puzzle, searching for pieces of information. We found her address, her insurance information, and even numbers for a son and a daughter. Neither lived in town. Do you think the gym called them? I asked about the latter. I dont know, she said. She thought for a moment. Should we call them? I looked over at the admissions representative, who was intent on her computer. Im sure theyll call them, I speculated. I knew I didnt want to meet Sues family this way, as the bearer of bad news on the phone. Robyn looked at me with big eyes. I think they should know. I nodded reluctantly, and took the forms over to the admissions person. She started examining them quickly. Excuse me when will someone call her family? I asked tentatively. She stopped long enough to look up and explain that one of the social workers would call, but she couldnt tell me when that might be. I went back and reported back to Robyn, who nodded unhappily. She sat there holding Sues bag and looking decidedly unsettled. I thought about Sue, and her two children, who right now were going about their business thinking their worlds were normal but when, in fact, a huge hole had just been torn into them. I thought about Karen, wherever she was. I should send her a text, I told myself, but didnt. She didnt really know Sue, and it would be hard to explain why I was sitting in the ER for a person Id only known from brief encounters at the pool. It would be harder still to explain why I was sitting

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The Weight of Days To Come here with this young woman, of whom Karen knew nothing and with whom Id enjoyed several lunches. Of course, I didnt have to include any of this information in my text, but it felt like it would be disingenuous to omit it. So I simply waited. The waiting area wasnt as bad a place to wait as I might have expected, especially since neither Robyn nor I was waiting for medical help. From the waiting room, I couldnt really see any action. The patient areas and the staff working on the patients were hidden behind the closed door, so we just had the bland blue chairs and pale yellow walls for company. The young mother and her daughter had been whisked away after a few minutes, and there wasnt a rush of other patients to replace them. An old man tottered in after wed been waiting ten minutes or so; he appeared to know the receptionist, and sat in one of the chairs like he had all the time in the world. After ten minutes or so one of the nurses brought a wheelchair out for him and took him back. Robyn and I didnt talk very much. I might have thought that would feel awkward, but we were both probably still a little in shock. It felt oddly comfortable just sitting there with her, knowing I was healthy while the building I was in was filled with the sick, the injured, the dying and the dead. One of those dead people was someone Id known, if not well, and had even seen die, in a manner of speaking. I didnt have a clue what Robyn was thinking. Shed withdrawn behind that neutral expression and guarded eyes, back to being the mystery woman she used to be and, apparently, still was. I was thinking about the fact that, sadly enough, this wasnt the first time Id been waiting in a hospital for someone Id known who had died in it. It hadnt happened often, mind you, but over the years death happens to people you know. It doesnt ever get easy, thank goodness, but it does get easier, or at least more familiar. Id lost a friend as a teenager in a car crash there had been underage drinking involved, of course and no death since then had hit me as hard as that had. We were young and invincible, and then one of us wasnt. You never recover from that realization. His death hadnt made the rest of us any more responsible, but it gave us a better story to tell impressionable girls we wanted to sleep with.

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When one of my parents eventually dies, I expected that will ratchet up the pain level, but as the oldest son Ill be expected to behave responsibly and hold up. I felt a little the same way sitting with Robyn. I didnt know who had been her first direct exposure to the fragility of life. Perhaps her father. I knew he had died but not any of the details. She might have had a bedside vigil until he passed away, or it could have come quickly and while she was far away. There was no way for me to read her expression; she was fairly inscrutable under the best of circumstances, and especially so now, oddly enough. So I tried to maintain a somber and composed demeanor as well, although it was tough to bluff it out as well as she was. I wondered what other people in the emergency room thought of us. We didnt seem worried, anxious or upset, like people waiting for care, or families waiting for them. We clearly didnt work there. I doubted that we looked like a couple, and as that thought occurred to me two related thoughts immediately came to mind. One was why I doubted they wouldnt; there certainly were more unlikely looking couples in the world. The other was why I was wondering about that here, in a hospital emergency room waiting area, instead of during our times at the food court. I speculated it was because places like this tended to draw people together, making emotional ties closer, if only temporarily, yet I suspected it was obvious to any bystanders that there was a distance between us. Not an angry distance, not even a cold distance, but a distance. And I found myself wishing it wasnt there. I didnt need or want comforting, but, right then, in those cold, hard chairs, I longed to have more of a connection with this woman I barely knew.

It ended up being almost forty minutes before the social worker appeared. She was a chipper woman in her late thirties or early forties. Her hair was brown and down to her shoulders, although held back from her face by a headband. She wasnt pretty but she had a kind look about her. She introduced herself as Linda Taves. You are the ones who came with Sue Martin? she asked.

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The Weight of Days To Come We nodded, and repeated about having been at the health club with her. Robyn handed her Sues bag. Sues stuff is here, including her purse and her phone, Robyn told her, holding on to the bag for a long moment after Linda had taken hold of it, as though letting go meant saying goodbye forever to Sue, which wasnt far wrong. She has an address book, I added. Plus her phone has the numbers for her kids. Do they know yet? Linda seemed sad about this. We havent called them yet, since we didnt have the information, she admitted. She took a deep breath and smiled apologetically. Ill call them in a few minutes. She held on to the bag more tightly. What a terrible job, I thought. Youre with the families of dead people every day, or called them to break the news. As bad as doing that for someone like Sue must be, I couldnt imagine how terrible it would be to do for young children or teenagers, crushing their parents hopes forever. It was impossible to imagine surviving that, yet people did. I found myself thinking how hard it might be on my parents if I died before they did. I didnt want to wait, but there was no telling how much longer than might live, giving me mixed incentives. I shook my head involuntarily, just a small movement that I hoped neither of the women noticed. Theyd survive it; other parents had, parents of much younger children. People were braver than I was, I thought ruefully to myself. We watched Linda walk away, not envying the conversations she was to have. After she disappeared out of our view, we turned and walked out of the emergency room, going to the parking lot, walking more slowly than necessary. Robyn paused before her car, holding her keys in her hand. She looked at the car, then at the parking lot around us, and finally down to the ground. She sighed. Tough way to start the day, huh? I said sympathetically.

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyn nodded and tried a small smile. She seemed lost in thought about something. Maybe she truly felt bad for Sue, or maybe she was remembering her fathers death, which made me feel even worse for her. Either way, she seemed vulnerable. She looked at me and I was struck anew by how pretty she was, and at how fragile she seemed at this moment. I dont feel much like going to work today, she declared at last, seeming slightly surprised by her own words. Would you would you mind terribly if we hung out some?

Chapter 34 Alarm bells went off in my head. This is not a good idea, I told myself immediately. I admonished myself that I should gently brush Robyn off, telling myself she was just upset by the shock of Sues death shed done CPR on her dead body, for heavens sake and didnt know what she was saying. I reminded myself that I was a married man, and that I had work to do. There was no way I should agree to her proposal. No, I dont mind, I said instead, hardly believing the words coming out of my mouth. I dont mind at all. I couldnt really explain why I said that. I didnt really know Robyn that well, and certainly hadnt been expecting to expand our relationship beyond the narrow confines of our pool and food court boundaries. It had been a long time since Id last pursued a woman other than Karen, or had anyone pursue me. At this point, I didnt seriously think Robyn had any intentions of actually pursuing me, but her suggesting that we spend the day together was clearly something way beyond our normal boundaries. But, truth be told, I didnt have that much work to do, Karen was far away and feeling even further away, and there was something about Robyn that just intrigued me. What had been a pretty gloomy day so far suddenly had a ray of sunlight. Maybe I could explain why Id agreed after all.

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyn seemed almost as surprised as I felt, but a wave of relief and, I dared think, pleasure swept over her face. It made her more beautiful than ever, which made me feel all the more guilty about our proposed day ahead. I was too committed by now to let that deter me. Robyn wanted to go back to the gym to do her swim, but I told her I was out of the swimming mood. I cant go back to my house, she told me apologetically, not needing to explain. Her home meant her mother, and I speculated that she neither wanted to explain to her nor end up spending more time with her. I suggested we meet at the mall. She thought for a moment, not making eye contact. Finally she looked back at me. Im not sure theyd be open by then, she replied, shifting her weight uneasily. She still wouldnt meet my eyes. I was slow. Maybe I was out of practice, maybe I was still too stunned by Sues death, or maybe I just didnt believe she might be leading to the conclusion I was slowly coming to. You could come to my house, I offered meekly. She looked up at me quickly. You dont mind? The alarm bells went off loudly again. Nothing was going to happen, I told myself. I was a faithful husband, I was much too old for her, and she wasnt the kind of girl who might make advances. We would be perfectly safe even at my house. Karen had nothing to worry about; I had nothing to feel guilty about. But I already did. Robyn asked for directions, but instead I asked her for her phone. She was puzzled, but complied. I found the entry Id made for my mobile number in her contact list, then added my home address, plus my email address for good measure. I then showed her how she could use the map function to get to my house from wherever she was. That is so cool! she gushed, holding the phone in front of her and marveling at the screen. She put the phone away and asked if it was all right for her to come by in about an hour and a half, giving her time to swim, clean up, and drive there. I assured her it would be fine, to just come when she was ready.

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The Weight of Days To Come Of course, as soon as she drove off I headed home and started straightening up. We had a maid that came in once a week, so nothing was in too bad a shape. Still, I wanted to make a good impression, so I cleaned up some errant newspapers and old mail, made sure the bathrooms were decent, and made the bed. As I moved through the house, I kept wondering what she would think. Would she just be struck by Karens presence in the way it was decorated, by the pictures of her and of us that were scattered about, or perhaps by her scent? I couldnt be there without being reminded both of Karens presence and, when she was away, by her absence, but I was having trouble imagining what the house would look like from Robyns eyes. I finished up my tidying, such as it was; intermittent wandering probably described it better. I went into my study and booted up my computer. I checked my new emails deleting most, replying to a few easy ones, and saving the rest for sometime when I wasnt so distracted. Which I was. Checking my watch to make sure I had time before Robyn might arrive, I sent Karen a text, telling her that one of the swimmers from the club had died. Somewhat to my surprise, she called back almost immediately. What happened? she asked, concern in her voice. Are you all right? I assured her I was fine, that Sue had just had a coronary. They gave her CPR right there, and the ambulance arrived pretty quickly, but she was already gone. Terrible, she exclaimed. Just terrible. Somehow I didnt volunteer that Id gone to the hospital, or that Id been accompanied there by a beautiful young woman. And I most definitely didnt mention that the young woman was coming to my house our house, I reminded myself in a few minutes. I could explain everything, and Karen wasnt the jealous type, but explaining seemed like more effort and more risk than I felt up for.

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The Weight of Days To Come Karen asked about Sues family, and I told her what little I knew. She asked if I would go to the funeral, which, frankly, I didnt given any thought to. I told her I didnt know, maybe if some of the other swimmers went already wondering if Robyn would go. Well, not a good way to begin the day, she concluded. Whats the rest of your day like? I casually told her I thought I would take it easy the rest of the day, and Karen told me she thought that was a good idea, even though I doubted she would do the same in similar circumstances. She would take off work if it was me laying in the hospitals morgue, I was sure, but I didnt want to place a bet about how long shed stay away. Or whether shed stop checking her emails. We chatted for another couple minutes, and she asked if I was sure I was OK. I assured her I was, which I supposed wasnt entirely true, and she seemed to hesitate as she considered whether to believe me or not. In the end, she acceded, and said she needed to get going. She told me she loved me and I reciprocated, feeling guilty.

Robyn arrived about twenty minutes after my call with Karen. She rang the doorbell and I opened the door for her. She stood outside awkwardly. She had on the same jeans and top shed worn to the hospital, but her hair was still damp and pulled back. Her face looked rosy from her workout, and that made her seem even younger and more innocent. Im used to seeing you dressed for work, I noted, ushering her inside. Please come in. She seemed embarrassed. I thought this would be more comfortable, she replied. Is it all right? Id put on a pair of khakis and a polo shirt myself, so I assured her she was fine. We stood in the entryway, nervous like a couple of teenagers. Instead of feeling at home, I felt like an intruder myself. Robyn looked around at the rooms she could see from there. You have a very nice home, she offered politely.

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The Weight of Days To Come Want the grand tour? She nodded, and I walked her around, hitting the highlights, skipping the master bedroom, and ending up at my study. This is my study, I explained. This is where I work. Robyn looked around the room. Her expression had been reserved on the rest of the tour, appearing interested but distant, like she was on a home show tour appreciating what she was seeing but not imagining herself in a house like this. It made me wonder what her house was like, or how shed react if I took her to a really nice house, like Trevors. In my study, though, her face softened. I like it, she declared. I can see you working here. She smiled softly. I wasnt quite sure if that meant shed tried to imagine me working, or if she was being polite, but I nodded at her comment. She looked at the couch and the HDTV. Are you sure all you do here is work? she asked dryly. I admitted that I tended to spend my spare time here, especially when my wife was out of town. Bringing up Karen, even if not by name, might not have been the greatest idea, albeit a necessary one. A cloud passed over her face. Your wife, she said, involuntarily looking around, as if Karen might leap out at her. Is she at work? I explained that Karen was on the road, and that was the typical status for her. I didnt quite say it, or mean to imply it, but it would not have been unreasonable for her to infer some degree of dissatisfaction with that state of affairs. She might have let a puzzled expression pass across her face, then she slipped back into a bland expression that revealed nothing. It occurred to me to wonder what shed thought when she had suggested coming to my house; was she expecting Karen to be home, or away? Was she even more innocent than I gave her credit for, or even smarter? Robyn and I stood there uncertainly. The mention of Karen seemed to make her feel more awkward about being there with me, and I had to say I was feeling a little more uncomfortable myself. It occurred to me that we really hadnt thought this through, or at

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The Weight of Days To Come least I hadnt. What to do with her for a whole day? It was one thing to watch her swim, another to make small talk for a half hour or so while eating lunch, but it wasnt even ten oclock and I suddenly feared not knowing what to do next. Staying here all of a sudden seemed problematic. For lack of better ideas, I asked her what she would normally do on a day off. She shrugged. Usually I dont take days off, she told me. Unless mom has a doctors appointment or something. Vacations? Mom doesnt really like to travel, she said, with no expression. Except sometimes we go to see her brother, in Charlotte. Something gave me the impression she didnt much care for her uncle. I gestured for her to take a seat, and with some small reluctance she took a seat on the couch. I almost sat down next to her there, but it felt too oddly intimate, so I sat on my desk chair and turned around to face her. Dont tell me you dont like to go shopping. Ive seen your wardrobe. She allowed a faint smile to cross her face. Usually I do that during lunch, or sometimes before I go home from work. She smiled again, this time modestly. Im a quick shopper. That makes one woman I know, I replied with a straight face. She didnt smile, so either she didnt see the humor or was just matching my own expression. We talked about our respective jobs, as that seemed the safest topic. I got the feeling she took pride in her work and probably was a perfectionist, which might not make her popular with her subordinates. Still, I didnt think that she was much inspired by her

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The Weight of Days To Come work. I was sure she put in a hard days work, but it didnt seem to be her dream job, nor part of a clear career path. It was a way to pay the bills. She was more interested in my job. She didnt let me dismiss it as just talking to people on the phone all day, and managed to draw me out about the kinds of people and companies who hired me. Over the years, Id accumulated a few good anecdotes bad candidates, failed match-ups, unintended consequences, and so on and shared a few with her. She was appalled at the story of one candidate whod brought his three year old to an interview with me we spent more time trying to keep him entertained than talking about the position I was recruiting for but liked the story of a young guy Id gone out on a limb for a CIO position in a bio-tech start-up that had gone on to do a very successful IPO. He was now a multi-millionaire and had never forgotten the push Id given his career. He sends a nice Christmas present every year, I noted with a fond smile. And hes given me several assignments over the years. As well he should, Robyn replied. I shrugged, and didnt mention that he had recently turned to philanthropy, which pretty much ended the likelihood of future assignments. Oh, well; his had been a great placement, one that Id fought hard for because I saw something in him, and I had been right. It was the kind of success that made my job rewarding. Robyn was a good listener, watching me with those big eyes and apparently undivided attention, and it took me a while to realize she was learning a lot more about me than I was her. I didnt have an agenda about that, but it made me wonder what hers was. When conversation lagged, I suggested some television, which she agreed to. I asked what kind of movies she liked, and she shrugged. If its on Hallmark or Lifetime, I might have seen it. She flashed a conspiratorial smile. Those are channels Mom approves of. You pick something. I felt a great responsibility, not wanting to ruin what might be my one chance to introduce her to something she might not otherwise see. I considered The Godfather, of course, but thought it not quite the right thing for the day.

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The Weight of Days To Come I also thought about Blade Runner or Pulp Fiction, but I wasnt sure unique appeal of either would fit her taste. In the end I suggested with one of my favorite directors, Michael Mann, and suggested The Last of the Mohicans spellbinding scenery, great action, and a love story at heart. I pulled up my Netflix account on the TV screen and found the write-up for the movie. She read over it, her face thoughtful. Sure. I started streaming the movie. Robyn watched it with rapt interest. We didnt talk much during the movie, although at several points I couldnt restrain myself from warning her when a particularly good scene was coming up. She took my kibitzing with great tolerance. That was wonderful, she exclaimed when it was over. Very exciting. It is pretty good, I admitted with some satisfaction. Whod have thought Daniel DayLewis made for an action star? Ive heard of him but Id never seen him in anything before, Robyn replied. He was really good. I quickly rattled off a few other movies hed been in, none of which appeared to have been shown on Lifetime, judging by her reactions. Perhaps we could see some of his other movies sometime, she suggested shyly. I was already plotting out a full film curriculum for her, so I nodded, realizing too late what a time commitment Id be agreeing to. It was past noon, so I proposed we have some lunch. She suggested our usual haunt, but that seemed too mundane for the current circumstances. How about someplace downtown? Downtown Cary? Downtown Raleigh, I corrected her with a smile. Robyn seemed dubious. I dont really know many restaurants there, other than around Meredith.

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The Weight of Days To Come I stood up. Cmon, Ill drive. You can tell me what kind of food you want on the way.

Lunch was at The Mint, to which she had never been. She was suitably impressed, and I kind of enjoyed showing off that Id been there before. It wasnt that I was a regular or that the staff recognized me, but her bar was lower than that; it was enough that I knew where it was and got us a table. She had the Asian Pear Salad, with the salmon. I asked our waitress her opinion about the open faced grilled cheese sandwich, with tomato soup, versus the Reuben, and opted for the former on her recommendation. I asked her how long shed been working there, which turned into a short but interesting discussion about the difficulty of waitressing while going to school full-time, in her case UNC. I didnt know if she was building her case for a sympathetic tip, or if she thought I was a kindly old man, but I listened with genuine interest, noticing that Robyn watched our exchange with interest without joining in. Our waitress bustled away with our order, beaming, and when it came time to serve the food she delivered it with great enthusiasm. I thanked her and got a big smile in return. It was more relaxing being there than at my house; eating together was something we had more of a routine for, even if not in such nice surroundings. The restaurant was pleasantly crowded, and we were among the more casually dressed patrons, although no one seemed to mind. I scanned the room quickly, not really expecting to see anyone I knew and not finding anyone. I had to admit that I was vaguely relieved, even though I assured myself I had nothing to feel guilty about. I just didnt want to have to explain, to them or to Karen. She popped back a few minutes later to get my reaction to her recommendation, and was pleased when I told her how delicious it was. .

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The Weight of Days To Come You always talk to waitresses like that? Robyn asked. I couldnt tell if she was amused, curious, or disapproving, but she looked at me with great interest. I shrugged. I like to hear peoples stories. They interest me. Is that why you talked to me? Robyn gave me a deadpan look. Hmm, why do I feel theres not a good answer to that? I said lightly. I was interested in you. I am interested in your life. I shrugged and glanced briefly at our waitress, now taking an order at another table. If she swam like you maybe Id be having lunch with her. That got a quick laugh from Robyn, and the tension eased. We returned our attention to our meals, which were, indeed, good. After a time, we talked a little about Sue. I wonder how her kids are doing, I wondered aloud. Robyn kept her expression neutral. Im sure its hard for them. I thought back the pool, and the memory of her doing CPR on Sues body. Was it hard for you to, you know, touch her body? I asked softly. She looked down, and put her fork down as well. I dont know. She was quiet for a moment, lost in memory. I didnt know she was dead, not then, she confessed at last. She looked up with a hint of apology on her face. Not for sure, anyway. I didnt know what to say, so I simply nodded. I think about it sometimes, you know, she said, looking away. She stared out the window. I was confused. About what?

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The Weight of Days To Come She took a deep breath, and shook her head before looking back at me with another apologetic smile. About finding my mother like that. I was shocked; that had never occurred to me. Oh, Im so sorry I didnt even think of that. Robyn gave me a knowing look. Thats why I know CPR, you know. Sure, sure, I agreed, watching her. She looked out the window again. Is your mother not well? I recalled she mentioned taking her mother to doctors appointments. She let a single laugh escape. Depends on who you ask. Her doctors think shell live a long life, but shes sure theyre wrong. I thought back to how shed told me shed moved in with her mother years ago, and had gone to college nearby even though it offered her no way to continue her swimming career. This been going on for a long time? She smiled at me, a sad smile but grateful that I was following what she wasnt explicitly saying. Its been going on for a while, she confirmed, a resigned look on her face. She picked up her fork again and started picking at her salad again. I turned back to the remains of my sandwich, and we finished our meals in relative quiet.

We did Act III of our hooky day by hitting an afternoon movie at the mall. We were walking to my car after lunch. I was thinking Id had a nice time with her, but figured it was coming to an end. She probably had things to do, and I knew I should get to work. Much to my surprise, Robyn had different ideas. I dont really get to go to too many movies, she announced, appros of nothing.

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The Weight of Days To Come What do you mean? I asked, wondering if she was referencing the one wed seen earlier. I mean at the theaters. My mother doesnt like to go out, Robyn continued, except maybe to the grocery store or sometimes to the mall. She never wants to see movies in theaters, doesnt think its safe. Shed rather watch television. OK Robyn smiled at me. But I dont like to go to movies by myself -- my mother wouldnt think that was proper. So I never get to go. She stopped walking and looked at me, evidently expecting me to follow her line of thought. Well, theres nothing wrong with seeing movies by yourself, I allowed judiciously. As long as you are careful, of course. I still didnt know what she was getting at. Of course, Robyn agreed. I know we already saw one movie today, but I was kind of hoping you might want to go to one now, if youre not too busy. I know Im keeping you from working. I managed to cover my surprise, and my pleasure at her wanting to spend more time with me. Trying not to appear too eager, I assured her that I had blocked off the rest of the day, and when we got to my car I showed her how to use the Fandango app on her phone to check movie times and locations. She was suitably impressed, and picked a romantic comedy, PG-13 rated, of course. The movie was moderately funny, fairly predictable, and ultimately satisfying. The lovers met cute, fell in love, had a comic misunderstanding that drove them apart, then managed to get back together due to the machinations of their friends and to their mutual recognition that neither was going to be happy without the other. At no point was I ever in real doubt what would happen next, but I found myself rooting for them nonetheless. The leading lady was adorable, and the man was goofy yet sweet. Both were a few years younger than Robyn, and young enough to have been my children, I realized sadly.

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We had the theater mostly to ourselves. Mid-afternoon during the week in the fall is not a peak movie-going time. There were maybe five other people there an older couple, two women who appeared in their fifties, and a man of indeterminate age sitting far in the back by himself. I figured the first four were taking advantage of the bargain fares, while the man was maybe unemployed and just trying to fill his days. I surreptitiously watched Robyn watch the movie whenever possible. She watched it almost like a child the experience evidently was rare enough that the immersion in the story that the dark theater and big screen offered swept her away. It made her seem even more innocent than usual, and towards the end I thought I saw her eyes water at some of the crucial moments. She reminded me a little of the leading lady, except for the fact that Robyn was missing finding her chance at love. It made me sad. Did you like it? I asked needlessly as we left the theater. It was good, she allowed. I mean, they were kind of silly about everything, but everything worked out in the end. If only real life was like that, I teased. If only she replied, sounding more wistful than anything else. I wondered what love stories she might have experienced, what mental models for successful ones that she might have, and found myself afraid she might not have either. We walked a few more steps before Robyn added, mother would never let me watch that at home, of course. I thought back to the movie, reviewing what Robyns mother might have found objectionable. There had been moderate swearing, implied nudity, but neither out of the norm. Why not?

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The Weight of Days To Come Well, she answered in mock surprise. They had sex. And they werent even married! I was left to wonder if her mother also disapproved of the suggestion of sex between couples even if they were married. I halted outside the theater. What now? I asked. Do you want to hang out here a while, maybe get some dinner? Robyn looked at her watch, more to confirm what time she knew it must be than to find out what time it was. I dont think so. Mother will be expecting me soon. She gave me a rueful smile. I nodded and we walked to my car, then I drove us back to my house. The ride there was largely quiet. I pulled in my driveway and we got out. We walked over to her car. Im sorry we cant have dinner, she told me, holding her car keys in her hand and looking away. I would have enjoyed it. My loss, I agreed gallantly. Maybe some other time. Maybe, she said forlornly, without any real expectation or hope to her tone. She looked at her car, then at my house. Robyn seemed reluctant to go, but too guilty to stay. Getting in the car meant going back to her normal life, and to her mother. She smiled bravely at me, although her eyes were anything but smiling. Your wife probably wouldnt like it. I shrugged. My wife trusts me. I sounded more confident than I felt. Robyn nodded sagely, not expecting to be the object of amorous intentions. Should she? she asked softly after a beat. I was surprised, and ran my hand over my head. I didnt get the impression she was referring to herself. Shes never had a reason not to. She seemed to accept that,

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The Weight of Days To Come without necessarily being convinced. She unlocked her car and sat inside. I had a nice day, she told me, staring ahead through her windshield. She turned her head and looked at me. I really did. Her expression was almost fierce, like it was very important that I understand and believe her. Me too, I agreed. Although it got off to kind of a bad start. Her face fell a little at the reminder of Sues death. She put a hand to her face. I let myself stop thinking about that. It doesnt seem fair to Sue. I smiled wanly at her. I think Sue would be happy that you had a good day, I told her gently. And maybe she was ready to die. Robyn seemed taken aback at the concept. I had the impression that her mother was the kind of person who would keep holding on for dear life, regardless of the impact on those around her. Do you really think so? The day sort of caught up to me then, the day and all the days leading up to it. I thought about all the ways Id thought about dying, and about my chagrin that Sue had managed to achieve the quick, painless death I thought I wanted. As a result, I didnt choose my words carefully enough. I shouldnt have said what I did, and she shouldnt have been the person Id say it to if I did. But I did and she was. I dont know. I just know I am.

Chapter 35 The phone woke me up later that night. I was dreaming, walking through some woods and certain someone or something was following me. The underbrush was very thick and I couldnt see very far, but I was convinced that I was being tracked. I walked as quietly as I could but it was impossible to make headway without making noise. There should have been sounds of birds or insects but the forest was deadly silent, as if aware of the

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The Weight of Days To Come hunt. Every so often Id hear a noise made, I assumed, by whatever was pursuing me. Id freeze, listen intently, but my stalker was too good. It wasnt so much that I was afraid for my life as it was that I was frustrated that I couldnt figure out from where or from what the attack might come. I knew I could be totally caught by surprise, either find myself suddenly facing my would-be killer or caught unawares from behind. It didnt seem fair; I wanted a chance to be ready, maybe even defend myself. It wasnt death that scared me; it was my helplessness at confronting it. Hello, I said dully, picking up my phone after finally realizing that the noises were not part of my dream but were, in fact, Karens ringtones. I was getting worried about you, Karen told me, sounding serious. I thought it was going to go to voice mail. I fell asleep, I explained. I was on the couch in my study, and the television was on. I quickly muted it; an old movie was on. I remembered that Id sat down to watch a Paul Newman movie on TCM around nine, but this movie had actors I didnt recognize. Looking at the clock, I saw that it was almost eleven thirty. Id sent you a couple text messages and you didnt reply. Im sorry, I didnt mean to wake you up. Sorry about that, I apologized. I quickly checked her texts, which explained shed try to call later but she was thinking of me. Where are you? She explained that she was in San Francisco, had had meetings in the afternoon and had just gotten back from dinner. For her, that was an early evening. I wanted to see how you were doing before I went to bed.

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The Weight of Days To Come I had to admit I was still kind of groggy, but wasnt sure why she would be bothered by that. Then I remembered the eventful morning Id had, and decided that was the more likely concern. Im all right. Any morenews? she asked delicately. No, no, not really. It will probably be a day or two before theres arrangements or an obituary. I dont think her kids are local. She asked if Id thought any more about going to the funeral, and I hesitated before replying. In truth, I didnt know Sue very well, certainly had never met her friends or family or done anything with her outside the club. I still dont know, I replied at last. She considered this, and the conversation paused. The connection was good, with just a hint of background noise. She could have been next door, but somehow she sounded every bit of the three thousand miles away she physically was. What did you do the rest of the day? she asked at last. Did you take it easy after all? Is this like the old joke about Mrs. Lincoln? I quipped mildly. You know aside from the play, how was your evening, Mrs. Lincoln? Ha-ha, she said, trying to sound stern but a hint of amusement peeked through. No, seriously? I told her that Id had lunch out and saw a movie. A movie? During a weekday? That is unusual for you! She asked what Id seen, and when I told her there was another pause as she processed the answer. The movie was something Robyn had suggested, not anything Id normally have opted for on my own and something that I would have agreed to go to with Karen only in return for some other concession. I see, she said, although her tone suggested that perhaps she didnt, not at all. Feeling romantic?

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The Weight of Days To Come Maybe I was in shock, I suggested meekly. It wasnt so bad. Im glad to hear that. Karen was quiet again, and the distance between us seemed to lengthen. She took a deep breath. You doing OK? I took stock before answering. The lights in the study were dim, and the flickering of the television screen illuminated the room in odd bluish tones. I could have turned off the television but then the house would have seemed even more dark and empty. On the screen, a man and a woman were talking very dramatically. Maybe they were in love or maybe they were in trouble, or maybe both. In the movies one seems to come with the others. Im all right. It was just kind of a surprise. Not the way I like to start my days. Karen agreed in a subdued voice, and there was another long pause before she spoke again. I was thinking all day what if Id gotten a call like that, about you? Her voice sounded uncharacteristically shaky. I immediately felt guilty; if she only knew how often I imagined ways I might die, resulting in exactly that kind of call. Dont think like that, I demurred. I stood up and went over to my desk, leaving the television to make its case to the empty couch. I pulled out a pad of paper and a pen, and idly started to draw some lines. I didnt like thinking about something happening to you, especially with me so far away, Karen confessed. Who would you call if something did happen to you? I tried to make light of her question. Well, if I died, I wouldnt call anyone. It was a mistake; she exhaled heavily and I could tell Id hurt her somehow. I mean, what if you got really sick or hurt or something, she persisted. Not dead. I told her that I hadnt given this a lot of thought, not wanting her to know I thought about this kind of thing way too often. I dont know, I admitted grudgingly. Maybe Trevor. It occurred to me that this might come as a surprise to Trevor.

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Hed be good, Karen agreed thoughtfully. Im sure hed contact me. She sounded comforted by Trevors potential involvement. Im sure he would. There was another protracted silence. I tried to imagine her in her hotel room. I pictured the lights being on. Her suitcase would be open, with her clothes neatly put away or hung up. Since shed just returned from dinner, she might still be in her business attire, although shed have taken her shoes off and put them in the closet. Maybe shed changed into her travel pajamas or a robe before she called; that made for a more intriguing mental image. It was early yet in San Francisco; in theory, she could be going out again after she talked to me, especially if she did, indeed, have a lover and he had managed to be in San Francisco with her. But tonight I didnt believe she was just checking off her wifely phone call before screwing some stud. Tonight I believed she still loved me and was worried about me. So, tonight I thought of her in the robe, and it made me smile a little. Do you ever worry about me while Im away? Karen asked softly. That surprised me more than anything else shed said so far. I wasnt sure if she was expressing vulnerability or reciprocity. Not really, I admitted, trying for a light tone and mostly succeeding. Hard to imagine anything happening to you. I think even tornados would be afraid to take you on. An earthquake would level every building except for the one you were in. Youd surf on the top of a tidal wave -- Oh, stop it, she protested with a laugh, regaining most of her normal cheer. No, I mean it, I told her seriously. Oddly enough, I did mean it. In all my thoughts about dying early, it never occurred to me that something might happen to Karen first, leaving me alive and alone. In all her travels, all the plane rides, different cities, various strangers all the various risks she was exposed to; I never really worried about Karen. Men are supposed to be protective of their women, and Id been that way about other

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The Weight of Days To Come women in my life, but there never had been a point in being that way with Karen. Shed already had her traveling lifestyle when I first met her, and her fearlessness and aura of invincibility were, quite honestly, two of the things that had attracted me to her -- and still did. Still, it marked a difference between us, one that I was only recently becoming aware of. She was a survivor, in a way I wasnt and could never be. I shook my head. Youre a force of nature. The lines in my doodle had coalesced into two boxes, on opposite sides of the page. I started filling in the bottom of the page with curvy lines. Im glad you think so, she told me. I could almost hear her mentally shift gears. Hey any word from Tondo or Patrick? I had to force myself to make the same shift. Um, I dont think so. I might have gotten a little behind in my voice mails and emails today, but I dont think I missed any from them. Ill check in with them tomorrow. Yeah, thatd be good. Karen sounded very nonchalant, and I thought it was too much so. There was something she wasnt telling me. I couldnt have explained how I knew, but I knew. Anything going on? I asked cautiously, filling in the stream at the bottom of my drawing. One box was floating in it. I started to add a building, a tall building, around the other box. You know, I want to see how far theyre going to take this AD DX thing. Have you decided what you want to do? I asked, trying to sound calm, as if whatever decision she made wouldnt make any difference to me. Not yet, she said equally casually. The thing isI may have some other options. Other options? I repeated stupidly.

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Well, you know, I mentioned to a few people that I was thinking about this job, and once word got out that I was open to changing jobs I got some feelers. I shouldnt have been surprised what she was describing happened all the time but it was a wrinkle I hadnt considered. Once someone like her went on the job market a feeding frenzy followed. She might not take the AD DX job, but it was almost certain now that shed take some new job, somewhere. Our comfortable life here together wasnt just tearing, it was ripping. Of course. I had dinner with some folks tonight, she allowed, and proceeded to tell me a few of the details. I knew one of the people shed met with, and knew his company, but they werent people Id ever worked with. They were a very credible company and the position she briefly described sounded like something she would find interesting. It wasnt clearly better than the AD DX job both had pros and cons but it wasnt clearly worse either. And youre considering this? I concluded when she finished telling me about her discussion. Sure. Why not? Itd be out there, I assume. Karen paused. Yes, it would. But maybe a little less travel. That would mean even less chance of doing the job remotely, from here. She was going to move, I knew, one way or the other, and I told myself that meant either with or without me. Neither was something I wanted. The silence on the phone sounded even further than three thousand miles away. Well, Ill talk to Tondo or Patrick tomorrow, and let you know what they say. Keep me informed about this other thing.

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Karen assured me that she would, and said she should let me get to bed. It was well past midnight now. I was tired and had been sleeping not that long before, but I didnt want to let Karen go, not quite yet. I thought about suggesting we go to video, just to see her face, but I wasnt quite sure what shed see in my face. Longing, resignation, a little guilt all things that it seemed better for her to suspect than to see. Whered you go for dinner? I asked instead. Video or not, I could almost see the surprise on Karens face; it was unlike me to ask for that kind of detail. But she answered anyway, telling me about the restaurant, what she had, even the kind of other people she saw there. It was an expensive place, but, it being San Francisco and all, there had been some colorful eccentrics in the place, whom Karen took great pleasure in describing to me. It made me smile. Remember that little place we ate in on our honeymoon? I asked, thinking back fondly. It had been a hole in the wall Chinese place just outside Chinatown. They served the greatest potstickers Id ever had, and we were convinced that the chicken dishes we both ordered came from a chicken that wed heard squawking in the back earlier. We were the only people in the restaurant who didnt speak Chinese, and we were convinced everyone else was talking about us, which encouraged us to invent whispered stories about who they were and why they might be interested in us. We could barely contain our laughter, which served to actually attract attention from those other patrons, creating a feedback loop that eventually caused us to spill out onto the street practically in tears from our laughing so hard. I still feel bad for that chicken, Karen said. I still want to know if that Chinese intelligence agent ever caught the dissident intellectual. Probably the undercover FBI agent arrested the spy.

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We both laughed, easing the current tension and making me smile. Wed taken a ten day honeymoon, starting and ending in San Francisco with a tour of the wine country in Napa in between. It had been a great trip. Traveling with Karen was still new to me, and I still recalled the awe Id felt in watching her everywhere we went so beautiful, so effervescent, the belle of every ball, and everyplace we went turned into a ball. It had amazed me that I was the one married to her, that I was the one with her and would end the night with her. It was a great honeymoon. We reminiscenced about the honeymoon for a few more minutes, its memory even more rosy with time. It wasnt that long ago in the scheme of our lives; I had plenty of other memories from plenty of years before that. Still, it astonished me that so many years had passed since wed gotten married, that life had rushed by like a roaring river. Too many memories, over too many years; how did I accumulate so many? It was getting late and we agreed we had to end the call. I miss you, Marc, she said tenderly, and I could almost see her face. It wasnt like Karen to say things like that, not with that degree of emotion. Maybe it was Sues death, or maybe she was realizing that our lives might be moving in different directions with increasing velocity. I miss you too, I replied, and I couldnt have adequately expressed the depth of that hole. I missed her not just for her being away on this trip, but for her moving on in her life without me, and for me wanting to leave my life. I missed the life wed had and I was not looking forward to the lives we had ahead. We hung up, and I looked down at my doodle. The box in the upper corner was a window in a tall building, with a face a womans face portrayed in it. The box in the stream was an open casket, and there was a man in it, slowly floating downstream and soon to be out of sight.

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The Weight of Days To Come I didnt need to guess who the people were.

Chapter 36 I made it to the pool the following morning. Robyn was in the pool swimming intently, oblivious to my arrival or anything not in her lane, but Marty was at the edge of the pool, his back to the wall with his arms on the edge and his legs kicking idly in the water. He seemed forlorn, alone in a way that reflected not just that he didnt have anyone to talk to at the moment. He looked up with a relieved expression when I walked over. Good to see you, Marc, he said heavily. I was afraid that yesterdaystrouble might have put you off. I sat down next to him, just my calves in the water. Hell of a thing, wasnt it? Marty watched Robyn stroke away smoothly. He seemed envious. I knew she had some heart problems, but nothing like that. Her doctor wanted her to get more exercise. He shook his head in disbelief. I never I patted him on the shoulder. No one could have predicted this, Marty. If her doctor had thought it was dangerous he would have warned her. Maybe her kids should talk to a malpractice lawyer, he mused half-heartedly. Maybe she was ready to die, I offered lamely, no doubt projecting my own attitude on Sue. Marty looked at me with a look that was initially incredulous, then transformed into something else. Sympathetic or melancholy, I wasnt sure. He shook his head. I dont know too many people who are ready to die. Most people Ive known, even the ones with really painful conditions, fight for another day, another breath.

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The Weight of Days To Come Sometimes people get tired of fighting, I argued half-heartedly, not sure why I was getting into this, not now and not with Marty. Marty ran his hand through his wet hair and looked at me for a long moment. I dont know about that, he said quietly. I know I wish I didnt have to get up in the night a couple times to take a piss. He flashed a weary smile. I wish I had the energy I had at twenty-five. And I sure miss all the days I had with my wife. He grew very serious. Man, I wish that. But, despite all that, I get up every day, and theres something to look forward to. He gestured at the pool. I look forward to coming here, for example. I felt appropriately chastened. Im sure Sue did as well, I agreed. And Im sure you are right that she had a lot in her life that she looked forward to. She died too soon, and shell be missed. Marty seemed mollified. He went on to tell me what he knew about the arrangements. One of Sues children had arrived the previous evening, the other one was due this morning. The services were going to be at the end of the week, with the viewing the night before, and he told me where and when. I looked at him in amazement. How do you know all that? I have my sources, he replied with satisfaction. He asked if I was going to the viewing or the service, and if Karen would be in town to come with me. I told him Karen was out of town, and I didnt know if Id attend or not. He nodded, but seemed disappointed somehow. Perhaps hed hoped to meet Karen at long last, I speculated, immediately mentally slapping myself for making it about me and my life. Im going, he asserted. He looked at me with a bashful smile. Sue and me we kind of went out sometimes. I didnt know that, I told him, although I wasnt entirely surprised.

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The Weight of Days To Come She was something, he told me with a sad expression, looking out at the pool and not seeing her there. A special lady. I clapped him on the shoulder again and agreed with him. He looked over at me shyly. I wish Since Marty didnt continue, I prompted him. You wish what? He looked away, not at Robyn but, I thought, maybe at a memory of Sue swimming here. I wanted there to be more with her, you know. I was taking my time, being a gentleman. He shook his head and snorted. I thought there was plenty of time. I guess you never really know, I said inadequately. No, you never really do, he agreed somberly. He looked over at me with a paternal expression. Dont make that same mistake. I wasnt entirely sure what he was getting at a life lesson, the state of my marriage, perhaps even something about Robyn? so I just nodded in agreement. I took a deep breath and stretched my arms. You going swimming today? I asked, just to change the subject. In a little while, he said absently. Right now Im just going to stay here. I said my good-byes, got up and went over to a vacant lane, then got in the water and started my workout. It was nice to have something to focus on, something to distract me from thinking about Sue or Karen or my life. I just swam, trying to keep my strokes clean and even. I wasnt particularly pushing it, I was just doing my time and trying not to do it too badly. For my forty-five minutes or so my world was just that lane, me chopping through the water. It was a nice respite, but when it was time I was glad to be finished. I stood at the end of the lane, a little out of breath, and was sorry to not see Robyn anywhere. Marty was still there, having moved further from the water, now

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The Weight of Days To Come sitting up on the edge of the pool watching Carson do his laps. I got out of the water and grabbed my towel. Good workout? Marty asked. Hard, I huffed, toweling myself off quickly. I looked around again to make sure I hadnt just overlooked Robyn in my previous check. Marty caught the gesture and knew what I was doing. She had to leave, he told me, a half-smile on his face. Said she had to get to work. Oh, sure, I said, as if it was of no matter to me. I had to admit, though, that I was disappointed. I didnt know what I was expecting, but I had been hoping to talk to her for a little while. It was something, how she tried to save Sues life yesterday, Marty commented with understated feeling. Too bad He looked down into the water, and it was possible that his eyes were watering. I know, I agreed quietly, wondering how deeply he was feeling this loss. I stood for a couple seconds, making sure he didnt look like he was going to do anything crazy, and told him I needed to get going. Marty just nodded, not looking up at me as I walked away.

I managed to get myself back to work once home, trudging through my emails and deciding which voice mails I needed to return quickly. There were none from Tondo or Patrick, so I called Tondos office and got his assistant Linda. Hey, Linda, I said, Its Marc Wheeler. Ive called Tondo a couple times and havent heard from him.

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The Weight of Days To Come Oh, yes, Linda replied smoothly. Hes traveling. Ill tell him you called. She sounded chipper yet managed to relay her regrets through her tone that I hadnt been able to reach him yet. How about I try again on his mobile? I suggested, pushing her a little. Id already left two messages on his mobile, with no response. Well, she said dubiously. Youre welcome to try, but hes overseas, so he may be on a plane or not have service. Ill make sure he gets your message, Marc. Early in my career I would have accepted this at face value, but Id learned assistantspeak. Tondo was never not connected. His mobile had worldwide service. He checked his messages at every opportunity, and when he wanted something, he got back to people right away. My conclusion was inescapable: Tondo was ducking me. All right, Linda, I conceded, sounding reluctant. I tried another tactic. Tell him I have an update on the AD DX job. Why dont you give me the update, Marc? she suggested. Im sure Ill be talking to him later today, and I promise Ill make sure he gets it. If I actually had a specific update, I would have, but I was just probing. Well, its kind of complicated. Itd be best if I could talk to him about it. Linda hesitated, then her cheerful tone kicked back in. Whatever you think best, Marc. Ill tell him you called. Have a great day! I hung up the phone and thought. Tondos ducking me could simply be due to his being busy on another matter; he always had lots of balls up in the air at any time. Both he and Patrick not returning my calls and emails, though, and his using Linda to screen him from me, made me think that something else was up. I just didnt know what it was. I didnt like it.

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Right about then I got a text, from Robyn. Sorry I missed you today. Had to get to wk. No prob. You OK? Fine. Too busy for lunch today too. I wondered if yesterday had pushed her too far. Maybe shed told her mother about what shed really done and had been, in effect, grounded. Maybe she just was scared about her life opening up in ways she couldnt control. No problem. I thought that would be the end of the exchange, but I was wrong. It took a couple seconds, but when the message came in I was shocked. How about dinner tomorrow night? it asked. I thought carefully before responding. Are you sure? Not in trouble? . No all OK. Those alarm bells were going off again. Lunch was innocent; yesterday had been an aberration due to Sues death, but dinner? True, Karen was still going to be out of town, a fact I had let slip during our prior days outing, but it certainly could be construed as going too far. Robyn was, after all, a pretty, young, single woman, and that was no good explanation for a dinner together. Still, I could comfort myself that I certainly was too old for her, not that she seemed to have any romantic interest in me or anyone else, and I knew I didnt have any intentions of cheating on Karen. Well, no serious intentions; I was only human, after all. Sure, I texted back, sounding more casual about it than I actually felt. We agreed to make plans the following day, something after her work. The rest of the morning was anti-climatic. I put some effort into working, making myself concentrate. I got mostly caught up, made a number of phone calls. It was nice to catch

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The Weight of Days To Come up with some of the people. I noted a few entries in my database about people who seemed interested in changing positions none that fit my current searches, but worth noting who wouldnt be a waste of time to talk to when I got a new search. Or rather, if I got a new search; none of the calls I made to potential clients had turned up any new assignments, just vague promises to keep me in mind if they had the right openings. I finished the morning feeling kind of depressed.

I went to lunch at a sub shop a few miles away, a local place tucked away in a bland strip mall, between a nail salon and a barbershop. The former was always busy, the latter rarely so, and the sub shop somewhere in between, with virtually no overlap between the patrons of the three establishments. The shop was a little place, with plastic tables and a colorful menu above the counter. The woman who took my order was middle-aged and efficient. Id seen her before, and was under the impression that her family owned the place. She flashed me a quick smile and said hello when I walked in. I asked after her kids; she had two boys, who used to work here in the summers, but who had each gone off to college in the past two or three years. She told me they were both doing well and seemed to fill with pride just talking about them. I figured it never hurt to remember these kinds of details; it hopefully kept my order from getting screwed up. She took my order for a turkey sub efficiently, and we made idle conversation about the weather. She always seemed to be here, working harder than any of the other employees, her sons included. Making sandwiches was probably second nature for her. The cashier was a young guy, someone who was or should be in college, perhaps community college, but was earning some money here. He seemed cheerful and happy to take my money. He wore a t-shirt that appeared to be about a band Id never heard of. I thought of commenting on it, but realized I could only make myself look even older than he already thought, so I simply thanked him for my sandwich and found a seat. The shop wasnt very busy. There were a couple of stocky men who looked like maybe they worked construction, plumbing or some other sort of manual labor, judging by their clothes. They were eating heartily, arguing about football. There was another man, in

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The Weight of Days To Come his mid-thirties, with pressed slacks and a white shirt. His tie was neatly tucked between two buttons of his shirt. He spent as much time on his Blackberry as he did eating, texting or doing emails. If he felt out of place among the blue-collar guys, he didnt let it show. I took a seat by the window and got to work on my sandwich and chips. They didnt go in for toasting their subs the way some chains did, but they didnt skimp on their ingredients. It was all I could do to finish their six-inch versions, yet I noticed the other three patrons were all eating the nine-inch ones. Give it a few years, you guys, then youll see that you cant eat the same way, not without ill effect. I couldnt help thinking about what Robyns invitation meant. I flattered myself that maybe I was the only person she could talk to. Maybe I was the only person she felt comfortable doing anything with. Maybe she had some deep, dark secrets she needed to unload on someone, had been waiting for the right person to come along, and had decided that person was me. I liked to think I had a sympathetic ear all right, but there were some secrets I might not want to know. What if it was something really disturbing? What if she got dependent on me? What if she decided to start calling when Karen was in town? There were lots of ways this whole thing could go bad. It made me nervous. Besides, how would Robyn take it if something did happen to me? Id seen how upset she was about Sues death, and she barely knew Sue. The more Robyn got used to talking to me, the closer we developed our friendship, the harder it would be on her if I were to have an untimely demise. Did I really want to create new ties to someone, more reasons to continue dragging out the years? I was so ready for a clean break; Karen off to a new life, me closing off this life of mine that Id grown so tired of. Things were falling into place, except for the minor detail of what specific mechanics were for how my life would actually end. Becoming friends with Robyn would be a complication I didnt need. Plus, I could imagine Karens confusion and natural suspicions if Robyn showed up at my funeral, with Karen not previously knowing anything of Robyns existence. It

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The Weight of Days To Come would muddy her recollection of me, make her wonder about my faithfulness, and cast doubt on the truth about our marriage. I didnt want that. Still, I didnt see how I could just turn Robyn away. The poor girl and I thought of her as a girl; she was older than that but as innocent as a girl had such a constrained life. Shed enjoyed the lunch at The Mint, the movie out, and, I liked to think, conversation outside of work with someone other than her mother. If she was going to open up to someone, I reasoned, why not me? After all, I had no ulterior motives. I wasnt planning to seduce her or take advantage of her. I was above reproach here, just wanted to help her. Of course, if I was so above reproach, why was I already assuming I wouldnt mention the dinner invitation to Karen when we talked? When I left I realized that Id doodled on my napkin. In the middle of the picture was a woman that I assumed was meant to be Robyn, sitting alone at a table or desk. Her table was under a kind of dome, barely visible but traced out enough to know it was there. On one side were the two workers whod been at the sub shop, sitting at their table, while on the other side was the other patron at his own table. All three of them were completely oblivious of Robyn sitting in between them. And above Robyn was an older woman, whom I assumed was her mother. She was aware of Robyn, looking down at her with an expression I thought of as haughty. I didnt quite understand that expression was she pleased at Robyns isolation, was she too proud to do anything to break it, what? I shook my head at the fruits of my overactive imagination, and started to crumble the napkin up. What if Robyn somehow saw it? What would she think? I threw my trash away, but at the last minute pulled back the crumbled napkin with the doodle back. I wasnt going to start self-censoring myself now.

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The Weight of Days To Come Chapter 37 Laura called me the following afternoon, which surprised me. After we established that she was, in fact, calling for me and not Karen, she asked if she could stop by the house for a few minutes. If youre not too busy, she added, sounding a little nervous. I was at a loss as to why she would want come over to talk to me, but I naturally agreed. Maybe she was working on some sort of surprise for Karen; maybe Karen was being honored by one of Lauras charity organizations. I reminded myself to ask Karen how much shed been donating lately. More likely, Laura might be planning some sort of surprise for Trevor that she wanted my help with. There could be a hundred good reasons for her to visit, even if shed never visited me alone before. I told Laura Id be home all afternoon. In the meantime I checked in with Ken Swanson, whod started his new job. Ken, its Marc Wheeler, I started once he answered the phone. How are you doing? There was a slight pause. Oh, Marc, nice to hear from you. He didnt sound surprised, but he didnt sound entirely pleased either. I asked if this was a good time to talk, and he assured me it was fine. I told him I was just checking in, wanted to see how his first few days were going. Oh, its been hectic, he admitted. Lots to catch up on, lots to do. Im still mostly meeting people and trying to get up to speed. Im sure it wont take you long, I assured him, starting to doodle. I drew a square that I quickly decided was going to be a window. I asked how Brian was, half-fearful that Ken might have already experienced some of Brians tendency to micromanage. Ken perked up right away. Oh, Brians been great, he gushed. Hes spent lots of time with me, and he and his wife took me out to dinner Monday night to Elis, the steak place downtown. Were going to a Pacers preseason game tonight.

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The Weight of Days To Come Thats great. So youre liking Indianapolis so far? Yeah, its fine so far. I rented a nice condo in Carmel, not far from the office. Its pretty near this nice bike trail, an old railroad line that goes for miles. I still dont really know my way around but I can get to the places I need to. He was saying the right things, but there was some reserve in his voice. Different from Seattle, though, Im guessing. I started to fill in my doodle with the upper body of a man standing in the window. Different, yeah, but not worse, not really, he remarked thoughtfully. People here are very friendly, and its really easy to get around. Theres actually a lot to do. I still thought there was something he wasnt saying, but as long as he was happy with his job, that was all that really mattered to me. Youll have to tell your wife, I added lightly, getting ready to get off the call. I should have stopped while I was ahead. I have, he told me, and there was a pang of pain that I couldnt miss, try as I might. Shes still not ready to move? I asked sympathetically. No, no, shes not. He sounded suddenly weary. Once she gets out there with you, shell like it, I proposed with the voice of experience. Spouses almost never want to move, but it usually works out. Usually. I dont think shes coming out, he replied forlornly. I knew that when I came. His announcement didnt come as a surprise, but I was sorry to hear it nonetheless, if for no other reason than it made the odds that hed survive a year there lower. After a year

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The Weight of Days To Come my fee wasnt at risk, so I very much wanted him to stay. Im sorry to hear that, I told him diplomatically. The man in my doodle now had a face, and he was frowning slightly, looking off in the distance. I hope things work out. Ken sighed. I miss her. Im sure you do, I agreed, suddenly reminded of Karens distance from me. She felt far away and connected too tenuously to me. I had to pull my focus back to Kens problems. Things will get better once you get more used to things there. Plus, Im sure Brian is going to keep you pretty busy. Ken laughed self-consciously. Im sure he will. I told Ken Id check with him in a couple of weeks, although I was already dreading what I might hear. He agreed without enthusiasm and we hung up.

Laura stopped by about three, ringing the doorbell. Id upgraded both my shirt and slacks to ensure I didnt look too ratty, but I knew I was always going to suffer by comparison, not just to her but to Trevor as well. She looked stunning even in a pair of casual Capri pants and a white top that clung to her body very nicely. I mentally congratulated Trevor again for marrying her and invited her inside. She came in, but seemed uncertain where to go, so I led her to the kitchen. I asked her if I could get her something to drink, not sure I meant alcoholic or not. She said shed take some water, so I got some ice cubes and poured her a tall glass of our filtered water. Have a seat, I suggested, nodding to the kitchen table. I got a can of diet soda for myself and joined her at the table. This is a nice surprise, I told her. Laura seemed distracted. She ran her fingers on her glass and wouldnt make eye contact. Her being nervous made me more nervous. I couldnt help but think how strange it was that Id had two different beautiful young women in the house within two

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The Weight of Days To Come days, both while my wife was away, neither of whom I really understood why they wanted to be there. I decided one key difference more important than the fact that Id known Laura much longer than Robyn -- was that Id taken Robyn up to my study, whereas Laura and I were sitting here in the kitchen. Im not interrupting you too much, am I? she said at last, glancing at me obliquely. I mean, I know youre working. I should be, I thought glumly. I assured her it was fine, and silence enveloped us again. She took a drink and looked out the window at the back yard, such as it was. There wasnt much to see but at least there was some green. You have a nice home, she said absently. Well, thanks. You have a pretty nice one yourself, I countered, thinking about their much larger house and grounds. They could put our townhouse on their property and never even notice it was there, not if they landscaped it well. Which their gardener would. She smiled wanly and returned her attention to her glass. I wasnt sure how to proceed, and the longer she went without talking the worse I figured it was going to be, although I couldnt imagine what it would be. I wondered if she somehow had gotten wind of Karen having an affair and thought she should tell me. Maybe my assumption that it was someone Karen knew on the road had been incorrect and it was someone local, someone I might even know. I frowned slightly, running through the new prospects. It surprised me that Laura might feel compelled to tell me; Id thought of her as more Karens friend, and Trevor mine, but maybe Id been underestimating Lauras affection for me. Laura cleared her throat. The thing is, Marc, I was downtown yesterday. That made my brow wrinkle. I was sure well, pretty sure, I thought darkly that Karen was out of town, so I didnt immediately see where this was going. Yes?

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The Weight of Days To Come She peeked at me. I, ah, I saw you. At The Mint. With another woman. She looked at me longer, almost fearfully. I sat back in my chair, embarrassed. I hadnt expected that, and now I had to mentally kick myself. Raleigh is a small town. I hadnt seen her, or anyone else I knew, but did I really think I could go to a very public, very popular place with a woman who was not my wife and not have anyone see me? I shook my head at my naivety. Its not what you think, I told her, realizing even as I said it how lame it sounded. She looked at me hopefully. Its not? No, honestly its not. I gave her my most convincing look, because, in fact, I was innocent. Laura looked at me intently. Marc, I saw how she looked at you. I saw how you looked at her. I could tell it wasnt a business lunch or a couple of old friends getting together. She allowed herself a small smile. Give me some credit. Yeah, well, wed had quite a day. She let a cloud of doubt pass over her face, and I wasnt sure if she was relieved or if she was disappointed. I went on to explain to her my horrific morning, with Sues death, Robyns and my role in dealing with it, and how shaken up we both had been. So we ended up going to lunch. Neither one of us was up to working. Laura was nodding in agreement and in relief. I can see that, she agreed. I can understand that. It must have been terrible. Shed evidently been hoping for a plausible reason to believe I wasnt cheating on Karen, and Id given her one. It had the added advantage of being true, or mostly so. I could see tension drain from her face. Whether it was make-up, good genes, her youth, or perhaps some expensive skin conditioning, Laura really did have great skin soft, smooth, and wrinkle-free. I reached over and patted one of her hands. Nothing to worry about.

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I didnt tell her the part about Robyn and I going to a movie, or that I was going to have dinner with her in a couple hours. I didnt have anything to hide, mind you, but I didnt see any point in confusing the situation further. Im so relieved, Laura told me earnestly, finally looking directly at me. You and Karen have such a great marriage. Great marriage? I only got to see Karen a couple days a week, I feared that she might be having an affair, I was resigned to the possibility that she would move away without me, and I would take it as a blessing should the light fixture fall from the ceiling and kill me. I thought these views, like my impending dinner with Robyn, were safer not expressed. Thanks, Karen, I told her instead. You and Trevor do too. It should have been a good thing to say. I was expecting her to beam with pride and gush about how much she loved Trevor. I was not expecting her to put her hands to her lovely face and burst into tears. She started sobbing. I was too stunned at first to respond. Trouble in paradise? That was my immediate impression. Trevor hadnt mentioned anything when Id seen him a few days prior. I thought I knew Trevor well enough to recognize the signs when he was getting a wandering eye, and I hadnt noticed anything. I guessed people can always fool you. Laura? I probed softly. Laura, what is it? I got up and fetched a box of tissues, and put then down in front of her. I resumed my seat. Whats wrong? She stopped crying long enough to take a tissue. She blew her nose, then used another tissue to daub at her eyes and cheeks. Im so sorry, Marc, she apologized between sobs. I really didnt want to get upset like this. Her eyes watered again and she grabbed another tissue to try to staunch the tears.

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The Weight of Days To Come Most women look worse when theyve been crying. Runny noses, red eyes, and flushed faces dont usually improve most peoples looks. With Laura, though, it did. If her looks had had a flaw, it was that she was too perfect. Shed always looked just so, like an airbrushed, untouchable model. Now she looked like a real person a fragile young woman, full of life and vitality and with her emotions playing over her face. It made me like her more and the vulnerability allowed her beauty to come through. I considered that my first reaction might have been wrong, that I wasnt giving Trevor enough credit. She could have been the one whod strayed, and now was regretting it. Or God forbid maybe she or Trevor was sick. Maybe one of them had been diagnosed with something terminal. That would explain Lauras reaction just as well. Laura, what is it? I asked delicately. Whats wrong? She blew her nose again and took a deep breath, trying to pull herself together. She let her breath out and took a drink to calm herself. I think -- I think that Trevor doesnt love me any more. What? Why would you think that? I replied, trying not to sound like I was taking a position either way. I trusted Trevor in most things, but I wouldnt stake my life on his not wanting to go for wife number three. She shook her head and looked dully at the glass in front of her. Her hands circled it, holding it tightly, as if it might try to leave her. Little things. Her tone made those things sound not so little. Like what? She shrugged and looked embarrassed to talk about it. Just little things. He finds all these organizations to get involved with, so hes out of the house more. And he still keeps talking about being more active. She looked at me with plaintive eyes. Why wouldnt he want to be home with me? I think he wants to be out of the house because

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The Weight of Days To Come hes bored with me. She buried her face in her hands and started crying again, softer now. Personally, I thought Trevor was crazy. If Id made my nut the way Trevor had, so that money was never going to be an issue, and then married a fine looking young woman like Laura, Id be at home, in bed, with her all day if I could. But I wasnt Trevor. I got up and went over to her, crouching and putting my arm around her. Laura, Laura, youve got it all wrong. From behind her hands Laura responded. He doesnt love me anymore. She sobbed harder. Laura, look at me, I commanded kindly. That failed to have any impact, so I gently pulled her hands away from her face. Listen to me. Ive known Trevor a long time. He loves you. Then why doesnt he want to be with me? she asked in bewilderment, her eyes red and her cheeks wet. He does, he does, I assured her. You knew the kind of man he was when you married him. He needs to be doing something; he needs to be proving himself. Not to me he doesnt! Laura objected. I already love him! I nodded sympathetically. He knows that, and Im sure it helps him. You have to remember that this is about him and how he thinks of himself. Hes a guy used to building things, getting things done. He probably figures if he sits at home hes worthless or, worse yet, that youll think hes worthless. He might be afraid youll stop loving him if he isnt the successful man you married. She seemed astounded, with her eyes going wide in surprise. I would never think that! I would always love him. I just want him to be happy.

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The Weight of Days To Come I squeezed her shoulder and sat back down, holding on to her hands. And he wants you to be happy. She absorbed this and we sat together quietly, her hand in mine. She finally roused herself and withdrew her hand. She took a tissue and wiped at her face. I must look like a mess, she said in embarrassment. Youve never looked more beautiful, I expressed with complete conviction. Laura made a face that indicated she didnt believe me but appreciated the words. She finished with her face and looked around the kitchen, as if surprised to find herself still there. Youre so sweet, she told me, returning her gaze towards me. I wanted to change the topic; her rapt attention was intoxicating Hey, Trevor told me about maybe running for office, I said casually. Pretty exciting. It took a second, but Laura let a conspiratorial expression cross her face. Im so proud of him. Id vote for him, even if I wasnt his wife. And youll make a perfect candidates wife, I assured her. People will turn out just to see you. Oh, youre too much, Laura teased me, tapping my hand in a mock scold. She wiped her face one more time, and seemed more her old self. She smiled at me with a mixture of relief and fatigue. Im so glad we had this talk. It really helped. I assured her that the pleasure was all mine, and after some obligatory small talk how was Karen doing, did we have any big plans coming up, we must get together soon, and so on I escorted her to the door. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and thanked me again. I watched her walk to her car with a bounce in her step and a sway in her hips that made me think Trevor was going to be a very lucky guy when she got home. I hoped she would forget about seeing me at The Mint.

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Chapter 38 I made sure Robyn and I went to one of the chain restaurants near the mall. It was a nice enough place, but I was pretty sure we wouldnt be likely to be seen by Laura or any of Karens other friends. She was sitting in her car when I pulled up, right on time. I saw her put away her phone before getting out of her car. You know its not safe to text in your car? I kidded her. Robyn looked momentarily flummoxed, before she realized I was teasing her. I think they mean if youre driving. I shrugged, as if to say I wasnt so sure, then we both broke out in smiles. It was nice to see her smile. Cmon, lets go inside. Robyn was still dressed for work, wearing a skirt and light sweater. Both were eminently conservative, but I knew that if I had been a coworker Id have enjoyed watching her whenever she walked by. I settled for watching her walk in front of me as the hostess led us to a table, which I had requested be one of the booths near the back. No sense taking chances. We started to look through the huge menus, filled with colorful food and sheathed in plastic. One had to doubt they could do justice to such a wide range of cuisines, but by the size of the crowd it appeared they managed to satisfy the tastebuds of a large enough share of the local population. A cheerful waitress soon appeared to take our drink orders. I ordered a beer, while Robyn settled for a glass of water, making me feel a little stupid about my own choice. What do you recommend? Robyn asked as she paged through the menu. I told her I didnt know the menu very well, but that I was leaning towards something simple, like a

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The Weight of Days To Come burger. Karen would disapprove but I thought shed not be too keen on my dinner date in the first place. Robyn nodded at my suggestion and continued her study. Good day at work? I asked. Robyn let a small smile peek through. A day, she sighed. Its over now. We talked about our morning workouts; Robyn skillfully minimized hers, while I skipped over how tired Id been. Either I was going to have to swim for shorter periods or to slow down even further; I feared that in a few years Id be like Marty. The waitress reappeared with our drinks, and we ordered. I did, in fact, order the burger, with fries, while Robyn ordered a southwestern chicken salad whose picture had appeared particularly tasty. After the waitress had scuttled away with our orders and our menus I took a sip of beer. So, dinner, I pronounced. Robyn had a curious expression on her face, kind of a mixture of excitement and embarrassment, like a teenager cutting school might have. I told my mother I had a work function, she admitted with a guilty smile. It made me a little sad, and a little alarmed, that a woman her age would have to make up stories just to have dinner on her own. Shed be upset if she knew what you were doing? Robyn took a drink of water and a long look around the room before replying. Shed have insisted on coming, and we still would have argued about having dinner with you, since youre married and all. What does she do when you go out on a date? I asked curiously. Evidently that was the wrong thing to bring up. Her face fell and she looked down at the table. She doesnt like that either, she replied carefully. She looked back up at me and shrugged with a resigned expression, not even sad. So I dont.

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My mouth may have gaped open a little. Never? She shook her head. I didnt really have a follow-up question for that. Or, rather, I had too many to know where to begin. Fortunately, our waitress interrupted us with our food, bustling over us like a mother hen making sure her chicks had plenty to eat. We assured her that it all looked fine and sent her on her way, then each of us started in on our food. Hows the salad? I asked after a few bites. Not bad, she said automatically, without quite giving a true endorsement. She nodded towards the burger I had in hand. Hows that? OK, I allowed generously. Its not MoJoes or Char-Grill, but, hey, what is? I wanted to go back to the topic of her not dating, but Robyn preempted me. I love my iPhone! she exclaimed, this time with an enthusiasm she hadnt expressed for her food. Its really great! She went on to tell me how she used it every night to go on the Internet, had started to download music on iTunes. Shed even watched a movie on it, and claimed that the quality was surprisingly good. Ill bet it was something your mother wouldnt like. Her eyes twinkled, but she restrained her smile. It was Up in the Air, the George Clooney movie, she told me, and amplified her smile a bit. Now I see what all the fuss is about. Now theres a single guy even your mother wouldnt object to your dating, I said with mock seriousness.

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The Weight of Days To Come She rolled her eyes. Are you kidding? One, hes an actor. Two, she would think he is way too good looking for me. And, three, he has dated all those gorgeous women. Shed be sure he was up to no good. Yeah, but youd have a good time in the meantime, I pointed out, thinking that wasnt such a bad thing. I noted, but didnt know what to make of, that she hadnt mentioned his age as a drawback. Robyn smiled sadly and returned to her salad, apparently wanting to end the dating discussion, or at least any dreams of George Clooney. I wasnt quite ready to let it go. I put my burger down. Robyn, honestly doesnt your mother want you to be dating? Most mothers want their daughters happily married and producing grandchildren. Robyn stopped her fork midway to her mouth, and it hung there for a moment, unsure if it was going to continue to her mouth or return to the plate. She finally lowered back down, watching it go with a sad expression. My brother is married, and shes got grandchildren from him, as said, as though that explained everything. Its not an either/or, I noted helpfully. It is if it means leaving her alone, she stated. She said this as if this was an inalterable fact, something that she had no control over. She looked up at me, and I thought her eyes were the saddest thing Id ever seen. She doesnt want to be alone. I watched her for a few long moments, enjoying her beauty, her grace, and, most of all, her vulnerability that she hid so well but which was always there. Can I ask you something? I asked at last. I thought initially that she would decline; she was afraid to say yes, but somehow fought down her worry over what I might ask. Sure, she replied, trying to appear nonchalant. What is it?

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The Weight of Days To Come You told me once that youd lived on your own a few years ago, but that it hadnt worked out. What happened? Robyn acknowledged the question with a small nod, not surprised by my question. She pushed the food on her plate around aimlessly, then sat back in her chair and essayed a smile that didnt reach her eyes. Oh, I was just young and foolish. I wasnt ready to be on my own. She looked away rather than meeting my eyes. You werent ready, or your mother wasnt ready? I pressed her, taking a wild guess. If I thought I might provoke a reaction, I was disappointed. She smiled weakly and looked over at me. I dont know what you mean, she said without any bite. I think you do. Robyn nodded slowly, with a sad smile. She looked down at her plate, her body entirely still otherwise. I had, well, kind of a bad break-up, and mom was worried about me. It ended up just being easier to move back in with her. Even not knowing her mother, I could see how that might have gone, her mother using a time of emotional distress as a way to lure Robyn back home. The only bright spot was Robyns admission which ended up more as an incidental part of the whole story that she had been involved at least once with someone. Id been worried shed gone her entire life without dating. I had to wonder if her mother had played a role in the breakup, perhaps without Robyn realizing it. I didnt know what to say, so I just nodded and watched her sympathetically. She looked up and studied me steadily. You think I shouldnt be living at home, dont you? I shook my head. Its not really for me to say.

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The Weight of Days To Come But you dont, do you? she pressed politely. Telling the truth can be a tricky thing, and knowing what the truth is isnt always so clear. But there was only one way I could answer her. No. No, I dont. Unless your mom is maybe on a ventilator or something, I think she should want you to be out on your own, living your own life. And I think you should want that too. Robyn picked up her fork and rolled it idly between her fingers. Her head started nodding, almost imperceptibly at first, then becoming more pronounced. I do, she admitted at last, her voice hoarse with emotion. I saw some tears in her eyes. I do want to, and Ive been thinking about it more and more lately. She looked up at me quickly, catching me by surprise. Ever since I met you. Oh, thats going to cost me, I thought to myself. I wasnt sure if she was suggesting I opened up her world in some way, or if this was a kind of flirtation. Either way, it was trouble; probably another eternity in hell if her mother had anything to say about it. I shook my head. Dont put this on me. You should move out if you want to, when you want to. Thats kind of the point its not up to your mother, and its not up to me or anyone else. I held her eyes, and added gently, its only up to you. She nodded, with understanding and something like relief. I know. Im just saying, I wasnt ready, or maybe I just didnt know I was ready. But now I think I am. She reached into her purse and pulled out her iPhone. She flashed it towards me with a smile. Besides, now I can use this to help find a place. That broke the tension, and we both laughed nervously. She told me shed been looking at the apartment ads, and had found some promising places. They have videos and floor plans and all online, she exclaimed. Technology, I noted modestly. Your friend.

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyn seemed to summon up her courage, and asked if I might be willing to go with her to look at a few of them. Part of me, and it was not a small part, thought that this was really going too far. For example, if Laura or anyone else saw me checking out apartments with a pretty young lady like Robyn, thered be hell to pay. Lunch together was one thing, this dinner was something more but still on the defensible side of the line, but apartment shopping would inevitably lead to suspicions that I was keeping a mistress. Despite those objections echoing around in my head, I told her of course, as though it was no big deal at all. Her smile was worth it. I finished off my burger, and heard the sound of a text arriving. It was from Karen. Whats up? Excuse me, I told Robyn apologetically. My wife. I texted back. Out to dinner. Where? I hesitated on this, but replied back with the name of the restaurant. Sure enough, her reply was quick and to the point. ???? Something different. Ill say. LOL!!! I looked up at Robyn, who was pretending to not be watching. Sorry, I said, shrugging. Hey, its your wife, she told me. If you want to call her, thats fine. Shes probably busy anyway, I replied, and looked back at my phone. What are you up to? I texted.

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The Weight of Days To Come Taking break. Call later? Fine. I put my phone away, and apologized again. Robyn waved my apology away with her hand, and seemed to feel awkward about being there with me. Everything OK? she asked nervously. Fine, fine, I assured her. She was just checking in. Robyn nodded, and there was a longing in that nod. It must be nice. Whats that? Knowing someone cares about you like that. Like your mom, I said flippantly, wishing I hadnt said it almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth. Lets hope not, she responded dryly, but her eyes were downcast. She took a deep breath and looked up at me. Can I ask you something? Sure, I answered, trying not to show my reluctance. Id opened the door to her asking about my wife, and what going through that door might reveal to her wasnt certain. The other day, she said quietly, what did you mean about being ready to die? I hadnt expected that. In fact, Id tried to forget that Id said it, and hoped she had too. Oh, that, I said lightly. I didnt mean anything. Just a bad joke. Bad day, bad joke.

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyn shook her head solemnly, not letting me get away with a flippant response. She looked at me with a steady gaze. No, it wasnt. Her certainty unnerved me. Shed called my bluff and I had no more fakes in me. I put my hands on the table to ensure they wouldnt shake. The trouble was, I wasnt sure how to explain. Im not suicidal or anything, I started, wanting to assure her. Nothing like that. Robyn just watched me with those clear eyes, full of concern and of feelings I didnt understand. But she didnt say anything, so I tried again. Its just, well, sometimes it just gets to be a lot. Are you worried about something? she asked. I paused for a few seconds, and now it was me who couldnt meet her eyes. I tried a weak smile. Youre too young. Its just getting old, getting older. Youre not old, she protested. I hope Im doing as well as you are when Im your age. I felt old. My smile broadened yet was more wry. Thats the thing. You cant really understand it, not until you get to my age. I thought about telling her about the little indignities I was already facing, like hair growing in my ears and nose where they never had before. Like feeling creaky when I got out of bed. Like falling asleep in front of the TV by ten oclock. But I decided not to go into specifics. I thought instead about telling her about the memories of the younger me, the guy who did fun things and took chances, the person I liked and thought fondly of but whom I saw little of myself in now. I thought shed have liked him, although she might have been shy around him, and I knew he would have been interested in her. I thought about trying to explain that, while on the whole things were actually better now would anyone seriously opt go back to black and white TV or without the Internet or mobile phones? the past held a curious and increasing allure to me, making it harder, not easier, to live in the present. There was just

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The Weight of Days To Come so much of it, and the knowledge that more was going to accumulate made the burden even heavier. But I didnt, of course, say any of these things. Do you know Clint Eastwood? I asked. Robyn actually had to think for a moment. Oh, yes. The director, guy. He won an Oscar a few years ago. That movie about the paralyzed girl, the boxer. Thats right, I said. Hed won before, too, for Unforgiven. I never saw that one, Robyn admitted. Its a western, right? Mom thought it was too violent. It was pretty violent, I agreed. See, to you Clint Eastwood is a director and an actor who plays these old man roles. To people my age, hes this good looking action star, like in Dirty Harry or the spaghetti westerns. Robyn tilted her head slightly, somewhat puzzled. I continued. He was young and tough and macho and good looking. He may still be tough and macho, but hes for sure not young. Or take, I dont know, Kirk Douglas, or Sean Connery. Sean Connery is still good looking, Robyn protested. I saw him in that movie Entanglement. He even gets the young girl. Who in real life is married to Michael Douglas, I pointed out. Another young stud who no longer is. But hes still married to Catherine Zeta Jones, so his life cant be too bad.

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The Weight of Days To Come She had a point, I had to admit, but I plowed ahead. I look at these guys, these movie stars from when I was young, and I think, wow, if this is what happens to them, if they look that old and get that decrepit whats going to happen to me? She smiled tolerantly at me. Its worse for women, isnt it? You dont see older women movie stars getting the young costar, do you? If they can get parts at all, I mean, other than the mother or grandmother. It is worse for women, I suppose, at least in Hollywood, I agreed. You should enjoy being your age. This should be a great time in your life, a time you should be making memories for later in your life. Enjoy it while you can, because before you know it, you will be my age, and nothing will be as easy. Youll have little aches and pains that dont ever quite go away, and youll wonder if you made the right choices in your life. I lost my smile. And youll look ahead and see that its all downhill from there on. So enjoy being you, now. Robyn seemed neither surprised nor alarmed at my little outburst. For a moment I thought she was going to reach over and put her hand on mine, but then the moment was past and she was back within her own head. I know what you mean, she said, dropping her gaze towards the table wearily. I shook my head, feeling the weight of my years. With all due respect, you cant really know, not at your age. She smiled in kind of an anti-smile, letting the sadness out. I know about not wanting to go on, she said in a dull monotone, her eyes hopeless. I know about your life stretching out ahead of you, days and days and years and years with no hope of anything better. She sounded old beyond her years, and it troubled me no, it scared me that she seemed to understand my dilemma so well. She was too young, too full of life yet to be lived. She shouldnt be privy to this kind of despair. I wondered again about her life

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The Weight of Days To Come with her mother. Perhaps the prospect of taking care of her mother for the next, say, thirty or forty years was as daunting as anything I faced. We were fellow inmates on death row, and no one on the outside could truly understand. Like being in jail, with no parole, I offered in a near whisper. Robyn nodded in agreement.

Chapter 39 Sues funeral was Friday morning, at a Presbyterian church not far from the health club. Karen had surprised me by offering to fly home early for it, even though she only knew Sue by my occasional updates about the pool crew. Id told her not to worry about it, so I ended up sitting in a back row of the church by myself. I thought Robyn might be there, and had seen her at the pool earlier, but shed told me work was too busy for her to come. In truth, I thought shed had enough of both thoughts of death and of being around too many people in a non-work situation. I might have boycotted the funeral on the same grounds, but lacked the nerve. Marty, Mary and Carson were in attendance when I arrived. Carson had someone whom I assumed was his wife with him, a cute blonde woman about his age. She looked like she was wondering what the hell she was doing there, so Carson had a firm hold on her hand. Marty had been keeping an eye out for me and waved me over to where they were sitting, but I shook my head and sat in the back where I could just watch. To no surprise, Sue had a lot of friends present, some of them I suspected were former students. It figured that shed have been the kind of teacher that students remembered years later, and would come to pay their respects to. Her kids were there too, of course, with their families, and I had to smile at the happiness her young grandchildren must have given her. The oldest of them appeared to be ten or so, a young boy awkward in his Sunday best, who looked like he didnt quite understand what had happened but had seen

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The Weight of Days To Come enough television or movies to know the world wasnt going back to what it had been. He was trying to be brave about the whole thing and almost pulled it off. The smaller grandchildren could have just been at church or any other grown-up affair for all they took in. They sat moving with barely contained nervous energy, anxious for the adults to stop talking and let them go somewhere and play. It must be nice to have that innocence, I thought, or maybe it was indifference to things that happened to anyone other than themselves. It might not be a virtue in the strict sense but it probably would make for fewer distressing times. The church was very understated suburban, with high eves, tasteful but not ostentatious pews, a commanding pulpit, and various crucifixes and pictures of Jesus hanging on the walls. It was not an ornate sanctuary, reflecting the Presbyterian modesty, but it was somehow comforting nonetheless. I found myself thinking about Sue sitting here every Sunday, praying to her God and enjoying the comfort of her congregation. Sue seemed like the type of person who belonged to things. Churches, clubs, civic associations; you name it. I wasnt, and I couldnt help but wonder what place a service for me would be held in, and who might come and sit for me. Karen might be gone by then. Most of the people I knew didnt live close, aside from a few friends like Trevor and Laura. There might be a few people from the health club, assuming I kept at it. Maybe they could spread my ashes in the pool, I thought grimly. It didnt really matter to me about my own service, whenever it came. I certainly didnt care about a religious service, and didnt belong to any church anyway. Maybe it would be nice if someone like Trevor or even Marty said something nice about me, but it wouldnt really matter what they said. Id be dead, and no one would be impacted by anything good or bad they had to say. Death to me was walking off a cliff; once it happened, I was gone, and there would be no sugarcoating of it, no moral to be drawn from it. So it goes. During the service, I found myself debating if it would be better or worse if I died while Karen was still in the picture. I didnt think shed take any comfort from any words

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The Weight of Days To Come anyone would say, but I wasnt sure how hard she would take my passing. Perhaps she was as ready for me to die as I was not that I thought she wanted me dead, but I could see how my no longer being alive could open up her life to new possibilities. She would miss me at first, grieve for an appropriate period, but doubtlessly would adjust quickly and completely. The selfish part of me pictured her in tears, totally distraught at my no longer being part of this world, but I didnt like to think that this was something Id ever want. Just because I was ready to not go on living didnt mean I wanted to cause anyone any harm, least of all Karen. I loved her too much to want her to suffer any pain from the satisfaction of my death wish; no lasting pain, anyway. Well, maybe a little, just to demonstrate that my life had some importance to someone other than myself. Id been to several funerals with Karen at our age you couldnt really avoid it and she always had a dignified but sad mien. Only once, at her fathers funeral, had I seen her really ruffled. Shed sobbed quietly during the service, even during her reading in the service, and Id been proud and pleased to hold her hand in hopes of comforting her. I wondered who might hold her hand during my service. Perhaps no one, perhaps her mother or sister. Maybe things between us would be long enough over that a lover would be there with her, and he could comfort her. Whatever; the point was that I wanted her comforted by somebody. I didnt pay too much attention to the service itself. Id been to more funerals than I cared to remember; each was different in its own way, each had its own story, and yet each reminded me that no one can escape the same fate. Sues service featured a minister, who obviously had known her well and spoke in something more than the usual hackneyed clichs about her life. He was a man about my age, familiar with death and professionally thrilled for anyone fortunate enough to be on their way to see God. Various other people spoke on Sues behalf, including her two kids, responsible looking adults that I liked upon sight. It was funny, well, not so much funny as strange, that Sue had always been just a nice lady at the pool to me, but to the rest of the audience she was a mother, a grandmother, a friend, an inspirational colleague or teacher. The ways in

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The Weight of Days To Come which shed impacted other peoples lives seemed to be endless, and it made me regret that Id only known her in the limited way that I had. The body in the casket, wearing a nice dress, with make-up and jewelry, was nothing like the woman in the swimsuit Id known. It was ironic that her former students probably would have been shocked to think of her in a swimsuit, yet that was how Id remember her. I made sure to shake Sues childrens hands and to mumble my condolences to them after the services, without trying to explain how little I truly knew their mother or how Id been there when she died. Neither fact would help their grief. They seemed numb but grateful for my being there, and I felt better about myself by just having attended. Marty caught me outside the church, Mary trailing in his wake as if afraid to be left behind. Carson and his wife were standing near them, the latter looking eager to be on her way. I wondered what would happen to our informal swimming club without Sue. Id always thought of Marty as the social leader of the group, but perhaps hed always just been the vocal one. In retrospect, Sue was the one who put everyone at ease, including Robyn, and I thought the pool wouldnt be quite the same ever again. Marc, over here, Marty called out, extending his hand towards me. Im sorry your wife couldnt come with you. I took it and shook, with him holding on longer than a casual shake would warrant. Nice service, dont you think? he said decisively, speaking from too much experience with them. He was dressed in a black suit that looked like his funeral suit, one that had had too many prior opportunities. That it was, I agreed. I nodded towards some of the other mourners. Im glad to see she had so many people come. Did you meet her family? Mary asked. She had on a dark dress that only accentuated her stockiness. I thought Sue would have come up with a compliment about it, finding something nice to say that Mary would feel better about. Theyd want to meet you. I indicated that I had, without going in to detail how cursory the introductions had been. I

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The Weight of Days To Come wished I could find that right thing to say to her too, but instead just mumbled something about how I was sure Sue would be happy she was there. How are you doing, Carson? I called out, trying to pull him and his wife into the conversational circle. They took a half step towards us, and he introduced us to Adele. She was blonde and had the wiry build of an aerobics instructor, although not shown to her best advantage in her dark blue suit. She shook hands with each of us dutifully, while still giving every indication that she was ready to go. Marty apprised her wit interest, as if confirming a mental picture, while Mary seemed slightly discouraged by the sight of yet another woman more attractive than she was. Adele barely took notice of us, and I had a sudden moment of insight, that it wasnt just the funeral that Adele was ready to be gone from, that their marriage was on its last legs. I wasnt sure if Carson knew. Your husband is quite a good swimmer, I told her, trying to get a better sense of her. Adeles eyes flashed over to him quickly. Is he now? She sounded slightly surprised, and almost amused, as though shed given up on the idea that he was good at anything. He sure is, Mary added helpfully, oblivious to the undercurrents I sensed. Only Robyn is better. Adeles eyes narrowed slightly, and she again glanced over at her husband, mentally asking who this Robyn person was. Shes new, Carson hurriedly clarified for her, looking sheepish. The frown that appeared on Adeles face didnt have anything to do with Sues death. I gathered Carson hadnt mentioned Robyns prowess, or appearance, at the pool to his wife, and I had to wonder how much hed told her about any of us. I also had to remind myself that I hadnt told Karen about Robyns appearance at the pool either. At least she knew about the other swimmers. Robyn couldnt make it this morning, Marty informed her, acting as the social secretary of the group. He made a sad face. Too bad; Sue really liked her. He kept an eye out on the departing crowd, watching the knots of people form, dissipate, and re-form

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The Weight of Days To Come in new social circles, like a village dance the steps of which we werent privy to. Are you going to the cemetery? he asked me, trying to move on to a new topic. I told him I was going to pass, and he seemed disappointed. The others also indicated that they were skipping that part, which made me feel less guilty. He told us the ceremony had been a beautiful one, one of the nicer ones hed seen, and I got the feeling he had formed opinions about many of the internment options available locally. I wondered if I lived to his age, God forbid, if Id become a connoisseur of funerals and of cemeteries like he seemed to be. The laws of averages meant that the older one got, the more likely it became that someone they knew wouldnt, and so the exposure to these death celebrations got increasingly common. I didnt want to become inured to death, and I dreaded going through life watching other people I knew go first. There was nothing about the death process I wanted to be part of except having it happen to me. I said my good-byes, and made my way home. I stayed in for lunch.

Karen arrived home that night, too late for dinner and too tired for me to realistically consider that we might make love. I was disappointed but too tired myself. She did ask me how the funeral went. I told her it was fine, lying. She had lots of people there. Shell be missed. You always said you liked her, Karen noted. Im sorry I wasnt there. I assured her that it hadnt been necessary, that Id been fine on my own, and hadnt even really stayed too long, but I wondered if I would have accepted her offer to come had I known Robyn wouldnt come. Then again, I reminded myself, what would the point of introducing Karen to the group if she was leaving me soon? Karen was up early the next morning to work out, shaming me into going to the pool, where I found myself alone for a change. I wondered if it was a sign of the future, if

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The Weight of Days To Come none of the regular group would continue their swimming workouts. It wasnt like anyone drew inspiration from Sue, mind you, but having someone die right in the pool like that wasnt something that could just be ignored. Except maybe by me. The rest of the day was a fairly typical weekend day for us. Karen and I ran errands in the middle of the day, retreated to our respective offices, in which I suspected she actually worked, whereas I mostly puttered. My mind wasnt really on work. I wasnt belaboring Sues death any longer I didnt think but somehow nothing seemed very important. So I just fiddled around pursuing idle tangents, wondering which tangent Karen was at the end of. It was nice having her home, even when she wasnt directly with me. The house felt fuller somehow, more alive. I heard little sounds as she moved around in the house, and every so often one of us would stop in the others study on some pretext or another. I found myself looking forward to those exchanges, trivial as they might be. The sheer sight of her, in the flesh, warmed my part, as well as other parts of me. Then shed go back to whatever she was doing and Id feel her absence, just not as pronounced as when she was traveling. We went out to dinner at a nearby restaurant, one of our favorites. Karen looked great in slacks, a sleeveless top with a sweater, and sandals. It was a casual ensemble worn casually, but I took some pride in noticing other mens heads turning when we got to the restaurant. Some of them were with women many years junior to Karen, and it gave me almost as much pleasure to watch them cattily check out the would-be competition posed by my wife. Our dinner was good, with the conversation nothing of any significance. I kept trying to read her like a detective, watching her for any sign that she no longer loved me, or that shed found someone else to love. I wanted to see if she felt sorry for me now. Surely there must be some signs if she had decided this life was the past, that her future lay elsewhere and with someone else?

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The Weight of Days To Come But if there were signs, they were invisible to me. She was, after all, a salesperson by profession, so convincing people the story she wanted them to believe was the truth, even if that truth was at best exaggerated or at worse not true. Nothing in our conversation was very memorable. I told her a little more about Sues death, drawing a gasp from Karen when she understood that Sue had essentially died in the pool I used several times a week, and a little about the service. She was impressed that Sue had so many people there, and I wondered if she ever gave any thought to who might come to her funeral, or mine. Probably not, I decided. Karen told me a few details from her travels some of the people shed met with whom I knew or knew of, a couple meals she liked, a woman she chatted with on one of her plane trips. We talked briefly about some house projects she had in mind, like painting her study or buying a new chair for our bedroom. Just mundane conversation, the kind old married couples have learned to do, unless they have exhausted all topics of mutual interest and ate in dull silence. I knew couples like that, and thought that being alone must be preferable to living alone with someone. Then again, I realized grimly, live long enough and just having someone nearby, as sort of a way to confirm your continued existence, might make even those long silences bearable. Just another reason not to live that long. We went home and then stayed up too late watching a movie, going to bed again too late to make love. I didnt know if I was disappointed or relieved, but as we laid there I listened to the sounds of Karens slow breathing and I felt distant from her. She was in our bed, within reach, yet we each stayed on our own sides of the bed. The gap in the middle felt like the entire Midwest.

On Sunday we went to Chapel Hill and had brunch at Crooks Corner. It was crowded, of course, but we managed to get a table after not too long a wait. We eventually decided on Feathered Eggs for Karen, Baked French Toast for me, Hushpuppies as an appetizer,

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The Weight of Days To Come and, of course, a side of biscuits for each of us. It wasnt a meal that would do our arteries much good, but it did our stomachs wonders. It was a nice day outside not too hot, sunny with only a few clouds in the sharp blue sky so we walked over to Coker Arboretum. It was one of the favorite places wed discovered in our time in the area, and we didnt get there as often as we always said we should. There were plenty of other people walking around or sitting on the benches or in the grass, but not so many as to make us feel crowded. Look, a wedding party, Karen exclaimed, pointing to a collection of formally dressed young men and women. I think theyre just taking pictures, I said, since the only people present were the bride and groom, the maids of honor, the groomsmen, and the photographer. They all looked ridiculously young and the bride looked radiant, even from where we were standing. Were we ever that young? Karen asked, more sardonically than wistfully. Not when we got married anyway. You married an old man. I smiled at her, expecting an affectionate demurral, but she just took my arm and started us strolling again. Our wedding had been a small affair, just a few friends and family. Karen had worn a nice dress, but not a traditional wedding dress and not even white, as I recalled. Id worn a suit, not a tuxedo. It wasnt as elaborate as either of our first weddings, but I had fond memories of it nonetheless. Id thought myself lucky to have found her in my middle age and still a little amazed that shed wanted to marry me. Walking with her, I still felt the same, only I wasnt so sure Karen did. She wasnt as beautiful as you were when we got married, I offered gallantly. Or as beautiful as you still are. She squeezed my arm. Arent you sweet? she gushed with a smile, and this time it did seem genuinely affectionate. Evidently, though, I was no longer as handsome, as she didnt point that out, but Id have to admit the point if pressed.

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The Weight of Days To Come We strolled for a few minutes largely in silence. The trees hadnt really started turning yet, so the twinge of fall in the air was probably more my own imagination than anything visible. Still, it clearly wasnt spring, when colors seem most vibrant and everything bursts out with new life. The trees, the plants, the flowers like me, theyd had their bloom, but were facing an inevitable decline. Unlike them, though, there would be no renewal for me once I went into the winter of my life. And it was getting pretty chilly already. Still, I was here, now, and I was enjoying Karens arm in mine, as well as the occasional brush of the side of her breast. Still firm, still sexy to me. The silence seemed amiable, not forced. Had we been dating, wed been forced to make inane conversation, killing time until the issue of sex came up next. Not that I wasnt interested in that topic as well, but I was content to just be with Karen right at the moment, and she seemed to be relaxing as well. The Arboretum seemed filled with couples. A few families, some with strollers, but for the most part couples. The majority were younger than we were, although we were far from the oldest. There was a freshness, an eagerness, to the young couples most of them, anyway that I envied. They walked hand-in-hand, or reclined on a blanket together, and you just knew that they thought the world was their oyster, that theyd be happy forever. The girls wore short shorts, the men mostly longer baggy ones, and it both cases it was more about wanting to look cool than to be practical. At their age, they could get away with it, without looking ridiculous or, horror of horrors, trying to appear younger than they really were, the way some older people did. Present company excluded, of course. They were never going to get old, until suddenly they were. Karen caught me eyeing one attractive couple in particular. Pretty, isnt she? she asked neutrally. I shook my head. Its not that. I mean, yes, shes pretty, but they just seem so, I dont know, in love, I guess. Or maybe it was just that they were so young.

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Karen laughed. Passionate, anyway. I stopped and turned towards her. Maybe they have a good idea, I suggested, and leaned in for a kiss. Id meant it to be just a quick kiss, a playful kiss, but her lips felt so inviting that I lingered longer than Id planned. She didnt pull away. Its been a long time since youve kissed me like that in public, she said when the kiss ended and we still stood close together. Its been a long time since we were together, I thought sadly, surprised at my reaction. I smiled at her and did a small bow of my head. At your service, madam, I offered gallantly. She smiled warmly back at me and gently led me back to walking on the path. She pointed to a small bench under a trellis and suggested we sit. Too old for sitting on the grass, she teased. From the bench I could see a family gathered for a picnic in the grass. The parents were a young couple, perhaps even graduate students. They had a boy and a girl; both appeared to be under five years old, with the girl a year or two older. He toddled around after her, trying to keep up with her as she skipped and jumped around in the grass as her parents kept a tired but happy watch. Dont they know the odds against them? Karen asked in a mock whisper. How much would you want to bet theyre still together when those kids graduate college? Theyre brave, all right, I admitted, thinking how Id certainly never had that nerve. Id wondered, off and on, if Id have enjoyed being a father. Maybe if Id met Karen when we were much younger I might have fallen into fatherhood. That was, assuming she would have wanted children. It might not have impeded my career that much, but Karens life would have been different. The couple on the blanket might be resigning themselves to ham sandwiches and carpools for the next twenty years. One of them might have to defer their degree, or their career track. Would he or she resent the other for this? Would that ultimately come between them, such as when they finally were

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The Weight of Days To Come empty nesters and had to remember what life with just the two of them was like? Karen noticed my silence and prodded me playfully. Penny for your thoughts. I smiled at her gently. Hard to explain. I forced my attention away from the family and took in the surroundings. It certainly is pretty here. Why dont we come more often? Karen shrugged with a casual smile. Its pretty lots of places that we dont get to very often. Were just always busy on the weekends. Because you are always away during the week, I felt like noting, but didnt. There was no point to it, nothing to be gained. Karen was who she was. Her ambition was part of the vivacious personality that had drawn me from the first time I talked to her, even on the phone. I could no more blame her for the ultimate consequences of that ambition than I could blame the ocean for the occasional hurricane. She leaned closer against me and tilted her head against my shoulder and neck, like we were a couple of high school kids, or like the younger version of us. Neither of us could stay in that position indefinitely my neck would get a crick that would take me days to recover from -- and not even as long as we could have when we first met, but for a few moments I found myself wishing time would freeze and we could stay like that forever. If there was a better feeling, outside of sex, Id like to know what it was. I just didnt want to know right then. Today was a pretty good day, I reflected. Karen and I were having a nice time together, and were actually together, in person. It was a lovely day, in a beautiful setting, and we were sitting together like young lovers whose unclouded futures lay ahead of them. Tomorrow Karen would be off again and all my doubts and worries would be back, but, for today, everything was good. It was the kind of day that at the end of ones life I might find myself recalling fondly. Lives were made of days like this, moments like that, and there werent as many as anyone might wish for. Maybe there were but we didnt

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The Weight of Days To Come take the time to realize them at the time. Maybe that was why old people spent so much time looking back in their life, looking for the times like this that had been special, yet hadnt been fully appreciated at the time. In looking through ones life, one had to sort through a lot of boring times, a lot of bad times, a lot of times one would rather forget, to get to these special times. I looked over at the other couples. I suspected none of them were thinking of special memories they should hold on to and be able to look back at. Most of them were still young enough that they took good times for granted. They thought the days ahead would be filled with time after time of special days, of happy times. None of them were watching us, envying us. Objectively speaking, they should have. We had a longerlasting, proven relationship; we had plenty of career success; we had a nice home and a comfortable financial situation. We had all the things they might be wishing for, except for youth. And that trumped everything else. The ignorance of youth gave them an arrogance about their place in the world, so it was me sitting here envying them, not viceversa. It was funny. When you were young you were always in a hurry to get older. Preschoolers want to get to school, elementary school kids cant wait for high school, high schoolers envy college life, and college kids just want to get out and on with their real lives, none of them realizing how good they had it right where they were. It was only when you got older, when you realized your life had achieved all or most of what you were going to achieve, that you realized your life had started on its downward path without your having noticed. Your body started to crumble, your relationships started to fray, your career came to an end, and the past started looking better and better. So today was a day I already knew was going to be a special memory. I really didnt want to have to go through all the remaining bad times or even the boring times yet to come just to be able to remember this time. I didnt want to go through all those other times hoping there might be a few more times like this one; there might not be, and I could spend decades waiting for another time like today. People lived their lives like

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The Weight of Days To Come obsessed gamblers. They always thought theyd win the next hand, that the next roll of the dice would triumph, that continuing to play was the best strategy. There would be plenty of good times, so why quit the game? I was sitting here at the blackjack table holding a good solid fifteen, maybe a sixteen. Lots of people would go for that next card, sure they could get ever close to the magic twenty-one. Me, I was smart enough to not keep pursuing perfection, to take my hand and call it a day. It would be a good time for things to end, I thought philosophically, a good day to die. I wasnt sure what might happen in that specific moment that would allow me to exit life without ruining my appreciation of the time, not unless maybe a meteor plummeted right on my head and killed me instantly, without managing to hit Karen. I found myself looking up out of some involuntary reflex, but the skies were clear and I was stuck here for the near future, alas. Of course, I liked to think that my dying might ruin Karens memory of the day, but I could console myself that Karen was going to have good times ahead, with or without me. She was like a cat; shed have nine lives. It suddenly came to me that I didnt think Karen did, in fact, have a lover. I might have been fooling myself, but I just didnt think she could have pulled off a special time like this if she was truly emotionally out the door. She wasnt that good an actress, and certainly wasnt that hard-hearted. She might be ready for a new job, and she might be prepared for me not to come, but that didnt mean she didnt still love me. It was possible, I had to admit, that she had a lover with whom it was purely physical, getting sex from him that she no longer wanted from me, but that didnt seem like her. Karen didnt do anything by halves; if she was going to cheat on me, she was going to fall in love with someone. It was a blessing and a curse, I thought glumly. In the meantime, I had this time, this morning, and I wanted to treasure it. The thing about special memories is that they do end. Reality sets back in eventually. As nice as sitting here with Karen was, we couldnt sit here forever. We had discussions to

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The Weight of Days To Come have, and at least one of us had a life to live. I brought myself back from wallowing in my own thoughts and knew it was time to talk with Karen about the future, about her future anyway. Would you miss it if you didnt live here? I asked, carefully using You instead of we and wondering if she would noticed. Her face grew more thoughtful, as the smile faded away. She looked out into the trees. Its very pretty here, she said carefully, but its pretty lots of places. Id miss things about living here, but I like to think that my happiness isnt based on a place. Or a person, I wondered, keeping my face impassive. Are you thinking youll end up taking one of these jobs? I asked in a neutral tone. Karen let a slow smile come across her face, a smile that was both audacious and relieved. Yes, I think so. Its not that Im unhappy where I am, but, you know, once you start thinking about a new job or a new car, or a new house its hard to think about keeping the old one. I supposed husbands fell into that category, and tried to keep the disappointment from my face. Karen didnt seem to notice. I felt oddly disjointed, as though Id missed a conversation, the one in which shed decided she wanted to leave here and, presumably, me as well. I felt as though I should have been part of such a conversation, yet felt pretty sure I hadnt been. But that was Karen; once shed made up her mind about something, she was off to the races. I sometimes wondered how many of her sales left the customers scratching their heads after the fact, not able to recall exactly when theyd agreed to the sale but convinced by Karens certainty that they had. She had that kind of force of personality. I loved her for it, but that didnt mean she could run me over with it like she could other people. Having started talking about her career choices, Karen was on a roll. I think Tondos blown it, sorry to say. Hes just waited too long. She gave me a quick glance. Maybe

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The Weight of Days To Come thats good news for one of your candidates. Ive got actual offers, or outlines of offers, from the other two. That was news to me. So thats, what San Francisco and Chicago? I asked. I remembered the San Francisco job was another start-up, with a fairly broad set of responsibilities, while the Chicago job was for a more established company but a small scope, although with more people reporting to her. Shed never mentioned the money for either, but I assumed either would mean more. I should have felt angry, or sad, or something, but I just felt numb. It was as if I was talking to someone elses wife about someone elses life, rather than participating by default in the destruction of our life together. Awfully cold in Chicago in the winter. Yeah, well, its awfully hot here in the summer and we survived. Plus, you always said you liked living in Chicago. I love Chicago too, and its not like Id get to spend much time in San Francisco itself. The start-up company was closer to Palo Alto, whereas the office of the Chicago company was near the Loop, so city living was more of an option. Of course, I reminded myself, I was still making lots of assumptions. Karen could just be assuming Id agree to whatever job in whatever location she decided on. She might think I would want to stay here and have us live a two-city lifestyle. She might still want me in her life, in some manner yet to be determined. All she had to do was say something, and I might agree to just about anything, if shed just ask. But I no longer believed she was going to, and I felt lost without that belief. Are you going to make up your mind based on the location, or on the job? I said, forcing a smile, and biting my tongue about asking how my wishes and the impact on our marriage might enter into her decision. Karen looked back at me with a coy expression. Lots of factors, my dear. Lots of factors. She didnt elaborate.

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Chapter 40 I went to see three apartments with Robyn over the next week, each time during lunch. I felt a little funny doing it, but Robyn insisted that she wanted my opinion. Shed done her research on the apartment market, but she told me she needed someone whod actually rented an apartment before. I didnt want to remind her that it had been a couple decades since my renting days, so I met her at the mall and drove together to her pick of the day. I was initially confused that Robyn was focused on furnished apartments. You know that limits your choices, right? I pointed out after she told me on the ride to our first viewing. It meant that most of the available units were condos whose owners were renting them out, and it put some entire apartment communities off limits. It also meant her rent was going to be higher, although in the short term it reduced the amount of furniture shed need to acquire. She just shrugged. I know, she replied tersely. I dont have much stuff. Dont you want to get some things of your own? I asked her, watching her as she drove, her eyes focused intently on the road ahead. Maybe your mom would let you take some of the furniture from your house. A faint smile passed across her face for just a moment. Im going to be lucky if my mom doesnt disown me. Im not expecting any furniture from her. I let that one go. It turned out that Robyn didnt really need much help from me. I knocked on walls to see how thin they were, flushed toilets to check the plumbing, turned on the showers to see about water pressure, things like that. Robyn observed my little tests with grave interest and made notes, which she declined to show me. She approached the task with a serious

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The Weight of Days To Come attitude. She had a checklist of questions of her own, which she went through with the agent showing each apartment. Listening to the questions, I found myself trying to guess which ones shed uncovered somewhere on the Internet or in a book, and which were her own. I couldnt really tell, which made me feel this was all kind of impersonal for her. She inspected each unit thoroughly, paying particular attention to the doors and their locks, including balcony doors. I wondered if prior bad experiences had made her security conscious, or if her mother had indoctrinated her about the dangers of the world. I had to admit I didnt think she was being overly cautious; I wanted her to be safe as well. I made sure to inspect the windows, not for their view but for risks of any exterior access, just to be on the safe side. Robyn asked my opinion about each apartment. The three we visited were not too dissimilar. They were all one bedroom units, with well-equipped kitchens, their own HVAC, and a washer and dryer. All were in apartment communities that had a pool, a fitness center, even a business center. And, honestly, they all felt like extended stay hotel rooms to me impersonally decorated, neutral colors, nothing objectionable but nothing memorable either. None had any personality of its own, and certainly wouldnt reflect Robyns personality. Or, worse yet, perhaps they all reflected the drab, guarded personality Robyn let the world see. By the second one Id forgotten most of the specific details of the first one, and both of the first two were fuzzy when we got to the final option. Well, do you like hardwood floors or carpeting? I asked, trying to give her some criteria. Do you care about being on the ground floor or not? Do you care which direction the living room or bedroom faces? Robyn shook her head. Not really. I was even thinking maybe I could get a studio. I dissuaded her about that, recalling my first couple apartments. It was just nice to have another room to go to, and much nicer if one brought home a date, not that I believed this was an important component in Robyns thought process. A studio would be cheaper for

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The Weight of Days To Come her, of course, but I wasnt able to get a sense of how much Robyn thought she could afford. I consoled myself that, as methodical as she was, she would only be visiting apartments she believed were within her price range. All three rental agents gave me interested looks, trying to figure out if Robyn was my girlfriend, my daughter, my mistress, or family friend. I flattered myself that they might see me as her lover, but more realistically thought they saw me as a father or uncle. Robyn refused to enlighten them, simply introducing me without further elaboration. If they were to see me, Karens friends would simply assume I was setting up a girlfriend in an apartment, or even planning to leave Karen and move in with Robyn. I had to admit that I felt funny about being there, especially when we were looking at the bedrooms. In them I took extra care to make sure I kept a healthy distance from Robyn; no testing of the bed together, for example. It seemed better to be safe. If Karen did leave me, wed probably have to sell the house, I thought forlornly. I liked our house, but doubted Id want to buy Karen out of what would be her half of it. And it would be too big for me, as well as filled with too many memories. So I realized that I might soon be shopping for places to live on my own, perhaps apartments much like the ones Robyn was looking at. As happy as I was for Robyn to be looking to get her own place to live, hovering over me was the dark possibility no, the likelihood -- that I might soon be forced to do the same. I tried not to let any of this foreboding show to Robyn, but it certainly colored my enthusiasm for our visits. We finished up her list of three finalists on Thursday, and stopped at a Chipolte to get something to eat. For once, she hadnt brought her own food. I was amused at how carefully she evaluated the menu choices and available options. You know, I teased her, its not going to make that much difference what you choose. This is not exactly fine dining. She looked at me askance. Still, I should get something I think Ill like best. I couldnt argue with that. I tried my very limited Spanish on the guy who took our order, and got a

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The Weight of Days To Come disdainful look. Yeah, like youre the only guy whos tried that, he sneered. I admitted Id exhausted my repertoire, and asked his advice about the burrito versus the tacos. On his advice, I got a steak burrito, while Robyn got a vegetarian burrito bowl. We sat in a booth and unwrapped our food. I asked her if she thought she knew which apartment she liked best, and she nodded, chewing on a bite. Once shed finished, she told me, I like the one closest to the mall. Its close to work. Plus it had the best security. I thought back to Tuesdays visit it had been the first shed visited, as though she had known in advance location would be the prime factor and nodded. That makes sense, I agreed diplomatically. I actually didnt like the apartment as well as one of the others, more to do with the dcor than the size or layout, but I didnt want to interject my tastes into her decision. Its very nice. Robyn seemed pleased that Id validated her preference, and took another bite. She chewed it thoughtfully, and I worked on my food as well. Maybe Ill go back after work, she said at last, give them a check for the deposit. I cleared my throat. You sure you are ready for this? She nodded, but seemed tentative to me. Have you told your mother yet? I asked gently, looking her in the eyes. She broke contact and looked, embarrassed, at her plate. She shook her head. Shell just have a fit, she predicted dejectedly. I wanted to have everything all set before she finds out. On an impulse, I reached out and patted her hand, pulling my hand away when she looked up in surprise. I liked to think there was also a touch of relief on her face as well. Youre not doing anything wrong, I told her firmly. You have a right to live on your own, to have your own place. Youve been very patient with her all these years.

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyns eyes teared slightly at this, and she wiped at them with her hand. She shook her head. So why do I feel so guilty? she asked in a small voice. I smiled at her. My parents couldnt wait for me to leave home and I couldnt wait to get out. She took this in with slightly wider eyes, then furrowed her brow in thought. You should be excited, I concluded with a cheerfulness I didnt fully feel. I hadnt met Robyns mother, but somehow I had the feeling Robyns move was not going to go smoothly. I tried to change the subject away from her mothers reaction. Are you sure you want a furnished place? You could have a lot of fun buying your own things. Craigslist, yard sales lots of places you could get nice things pretty cheaply. You could rent stuff until you get your own. Robyn shook her head. No, Im happy to get a furnished place. Im not really used to picking my own furniture. And you dont want to start? Robyn balled up the remains of her sandwich, which shed only eaten a little more than half of. She took a deep breath and gave me a brave smile, while her eyes said something different. No, no its all right. I dont want to accumulate a lot of things. I must have looked surprised, or puzzled. Robyn reached over and patted my hand with surprising gentleness. Im not planning to be there that long.

Chapter 41 What do you mean? I asked fumbling to understand. My first thought was that she was going into this move expecting it to fail, thinking that her mother would successfully pull her back into her world, like the earth inexorably pulling an underpowered rocket back to it. The rocket would crash, and I feared Robyn might do the same, heading back into her

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The Weight of Days To Come tightly constrained life within her mothers orbit. I tried to keep a cheerful expression on my face and put a positive spin on her statement. Oh, I get it you want to buy a place, right? Youre just doing this as kind of an interim step while you look for a place to buy? Youve picked a great time; this is a buyers market. I chattered away, trying to ignore the initially surprised, then somewhat tolerant expression on her first. Might as well get used to living alone while you find the right place. That makes a lot of sense. Robyn waited me out, letting me run out of conversational steam on my own. She looked a little, I didnt know pensive? Amused? Sorry for me? It wasnt an expression I was expecting and I couldnt quite place it. She shook her head at last, and for a split second I thought she wanted to reach out and touch my hand, but she didnt. She gave me a tight smile instead. No, Im not planning to buy anything. So my first worry, about her expecting to move back with her mother, must be right, I concluded, trying not to reflect the disappointment I felt. Why dont you think youll be staying in your new apartment long? I asked, not wanting to know the answer. Robyn looked down, then out the window for a few seconds, and finally back towards me, meeting and holding my eyes. She essayed that small smile again, but the only humor in it seemed to be at her own expense. She took a deep breath. When you are ready to go, Ill go with you, she told me in a small but steady voice. I was quite confused. Was Robyn propositioning me, telling me she wanted to run away with me? It seemed ludicrous, out-of-the-blue, and out of character for her. I kicked myself for agreeing to go on these apartment-hunting excursions; obviously Id been giving her unintended signals. Id been worried about what Laura or Karen might think, but obviously hadnt been thinking enough about how Robyn might view my involvement. What -- what do you mean? I fumbled. Go where?

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The Weight of Days To Come Her smile faded away, as if it had just been a mirage all along. She looked down at the table again. For when life is too long, she said in a conspiratorial tone. For when you are ready to do something about it. I was dumbstruck. My mouth literally dropped open in surprise. I snapped it closed before she raised her eyes again to look at me. There was something different about her now, as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. I dont know what you mean, Robyn, I objected weakly, although I did. It was just that I didnt want her to know that I knew, that I didnt want to admit that I understand exactly what she meant. If the weight had been lifted from her shoulders, I knew where it had landed. It was all I could do not to buckle from the burden. Yes, you do, she assured me. She sounded sad but certain about it, not wanting me to feel that way but relieved, in a way, to have this in common with someone. She leaned closer to me, her eyes sympathetic. For when life is simply too long. I shook my head. I told you Im not suicidal or anything like that. And youve got a long life ahead of you, a happy one. My words didnt seem to cheer her in the least. She inclined her head just slightly to acknowledge my comments, but shook her head the tiniest bit to refute them. Thatd be nice, she said wistfully. Your moving out on your own is just the start, I assured her. Youre going to have more fun, meet more people. Start dating some lucky guy. Probably started a family, the whole bit. I smiled brightly at her, with a confidence I did not feel. Yes, she said faintly. And youre going to live to be an old man. The thought seemed grim, and I found myself frowning involuntarily. Robyn watched me with an understanding expression. You said you were ready to die, she reminded

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The Weight of Days To Come me. All Im saying is, when you decide you dont want to wait any longer if you want to do something about it then Im ready too. We could help each other. It was a bizarre conversation, and it couldnt happen in a more incongruous location. We were sitting with half-eaten meals in a booth with plastic seats and table, in a fast food restaurant that was indistinguishable from thousands of others throughout the world, along with indifferent employees and oblivious other patrons. The other patrons were probably talking about work or football or television, while we were discussing suicide. We probably looked normal, if slightly mismatched, to them. Maybe they were talking about drug dealing or murder and thought we were the innocent ones. Neither Robyn nor I appeared emotional or excited about our discussion, so, for all they knew, we were having a conversation about the weather. I would have laughed had I not been afraid Robyn might be insulted. A sudden fear struck me. Youre not moving out just to, you know, make it easier, are you? Like you dont want your mom I couldnt finish my statement; the image of her mother finding her lifeless body made me shudder. It took Robyn a moment to realize what I was asking, and she let out a small gasp, her eyes widening. Oh, no, no not at all! she exclaimed, appearing shocked at the idea. She paused for a brief moment to more fully take in what Id said. I can see what you mean, though, she continued thoughtfully. She smiled weakly. I guess Im not that nice a person. Do you worry about that for your wife? I almost didnt respond. Talking openly felt like making my morbid thoughts too real. But Robyn was watching me with such interest, and evidently sharing some of the same pain that Id been feeling for so long, that I couldnt resist. I do think about how Id rather not have her find me dead, I admitted delicately. I shrugged. But I havent come up with a good way for her to find out. Not unless shes out of the picture somehow. Robyn furrowed her brow. Out of the picture how?

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I wasnt sure I really wanted to get into it, but holding back about the state of my marriage seemed petty given the main topic of our conversation. Well, I said as casually as I could, I still love my wife, but Im not sure she still loves me, at least not the same way as she used to. I think maybe shes ready to move on to a new job, a new location, a new life. With a new man? Maybe. Robyn looked at me thoughtfully. Im sorry, she said at last. Me too. Is that why, you know, you dont think you want to go on? I didnt quite meet her eyes. Its kind of tied in together. Maybe I gave up and shes not ready to, or maybe I gave up because shes ready to move on and Im not. Its hard to say. All I know is that I think she is moving on. Whatever; I wouldnt mind sparing her any gory details of my early demise. How considerate. I looked up at her, but I couldnt tell if she was being sincere or sarcastic. I decided the former; I wasnt sure Id seen a sarcastic side to her, and nothing in her expression indicated she was judging me in any way. But no, she said, shaking her head. Im not moving out to spare my mother any gory details if I pass away. She flashed a smile. You, um, kind of convinced me I should have more of a life of my own, so I thought I should do that while I still can.

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The Weight of Days To Come It was sort of funny, how serious she looked. Then again, she didnt say she was moving out to enjoy life more, just to live it more on her own, so maybe having more fun wasnt part of her plan. You should. Maybe youll enjoy it so much that youll forget all these morbid thoughts. Perhaps. She sounded more tolerant than convinced; I didnt get the impression she thought she was going to change her mind. She looked around. I better get back to work, she said reluctantly. It sounded like an impossible transition to me, going from this conversation back to her job, but at some point she had to. I started to wrap up my trash, but she interrupted me. Wait what did you draw? she asked curiously. I hadnt even noticed that I had been doodling, even more oblivious than usual. I looked down at my napkin in surprise. Well, I started, trying to decipher my own doodle. That looks like you on a couch, in front of a big screen television. I stopped to smile at her. That must be you in your new apartment. What are those? she asked, pointing to the portion of the drawing outside the confines of her loosely sketched living room. I wrinkled my brow in concentration. Hmm. That looks like a storm gathering. How symbolic, Robyn declared tongue in cheek. Is that you, then? She indicated a figure sort of hovering inexplicably outside her window. It wasnt clear if the figure was watching her, the threatening storm, or something else entirely. I suppose so, I agreed. I dont think it is your mom. I hope not! Robyn said with a quick laugh. Are you supposed to be protecting me from the storm, or are you trying to get inside from the storm?

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The Weight of Days To Come Who knows? Maybe Im looking at something else entirely, I told her, even though I was struck by the perceptiveness of her question. I didnt want to have to make a guess. I gave her a look. It doesnt have to mean anything. I suppose not, she replied, not sounding convinced. I tucked the napkin away, which Robyn noticed but didnt comment on. We got up and went out to the parking lot. We stopped by our cars. So, did you make a decision about the apartment? I asked with forced cheerfulness. I did. Im going back to the last one tonight and put my money down. Then Ill tell mom tonight. She gave a wry smile. I might not have to worry about life being too long. The very thought of that discussion filled me with dread, and I wasnt even going to be part of it. Maybe her mother would react more positively than I feared; maybe she wasnt the dragon-lady Id built her up to be. But I still worried. Be careful. I will, she said, already seeming cowed by her upcoming discussion. She perked up enough to look at me straight on, a determined look on her face. But Im not changing my mind. Good for you, I encouraged her. Maybe Ill get you a housewarming gift. A print, or maybe a vase or something. Maybe a puppy. That caused her to smile impishly, if briefly. Id like that. Well, maybe not the puppy, but something from you. That means youll have to come over sometime to see my new apartment. She seemed excited about the prospect, except for the part about her dealing with her mother. I will, I assured her, meaning it.

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The Weight of Days To Come You could give me one of your drawings. Id like that. Robyn gave me a smile that seemed as deep and as genuine as Id ever seen from her, and it warmed my heart. It was good to see her looking forward to something, practically glowing with excitement. I hoped the apartment would be the start of a new, better, life for her. That plus the iPhone, of course. She unlocked her car and started to open the door to get in, but paused. I was in the process of doing the same, so I stopped getting in my car as well. And dont forget about the other thing, she warned me seriously. When youre ready, Ill be ready too. She drove off, leaving me with that thought. It was one I wished I could forget.

Chapter 42 Friday ended up being an unsettling day. I went to the pool, where Marty and Mary were in attendance. Mary was kicking away dutifully in the pool, but Marty scurried over towards me when I got there. Hey, Marc, he greeted me. Hows things? Things are rusty, I complained, not feeling quite ready to swim yet. Then again, getting up and going was becoming tougher and tougher. I complained that I was afraid if I didnt keep up the swimming my joints and muscles might just freeze up entirely. Marty chuckled and rubbed his own elbow to indicate sympathy. He asked after Karen, and was pleased to hear that shed been in for the weekend. We talked idly about her current trip, marveling at how easy it was to traverse the country and how some people thrived on the non-stop travel. I couldnt tell if he approved of my wifes time away from home, but he always seemed impressed by it.

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The Weight of Days To Come We watched Mary trudge away in her lane, and I couldnt help but contrast her laborious efforts to Robyns. She was here before, Marty informed me, as if reading my mind, and pleased to be able to pass along some information about Robyn. He didnt need to elaborate who she was. Said shed be busy today. I wondered at that, if it was just work or if it related to her impending move. I was interested to hear how her conversation with her mother had gone; Id hoped to hear from her last night, but I hadnt, which worried me. For all I knew, her mother had locked her up in her bedroom, without her phone, or maybe theyd stayed up all night, her mother in tears. I could send her a text but thought it better if I waited for her to contact me. Besides, I figured that if shed seemed upset or otherwise different, Marty would have been unable to contain himself. Knowing Robyn, though, I wasnt sure he could read her. Me either, for that matter. We chatted a couple more minutes while I stretched some, then I started my laps. When I finished, both he and Mary were gone.

Shortly after I was home and cleaned up, Karen called. Hey, boyfriend, she said coyly. How are you this morning? I told her I was fine, and asked her how her evening had been. She was in Pittsburgh, and wed chatted last night before a dinner she was having with one of her customers. Shed warned me that shed probably be out late, without feeling any need to explain, and so would just talk to me in the morning. Now. Oh, the usual. Im on my way to Chicago. Are you now? I asked mildly, trying to remember if Id known that part of the itinerary. Yeah, its kind of last minute but Im going up to negotiate an offer about that job, she told me, barely containing her excitement. Are you now? I repeated, slightly less mildly.

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The Weight of Days To Come Karen didnt seem to notice my subtle reaction. Yes, Ive got a session late this afternoon, and it will probably go into tomorrow. That came as even more of a surprise than the fact that she was going to Chicago to negotiate a job that we hadnt really discussed. So, what, youre coming home Saturday night? I heard her take a quick breath. Thats the other thing I wanted to mention. I thought I might as well stay the weekend, since I have to be in Phoenix on Monday. Another weekend away from me, I thought glumly. And, considering the fact that she was negotiating for a job in another city, it seemed like a foreboding prospect. Curiously, I didnt feel much reaction. I was kind of numb. There was a crash coming that I felt powerless to avert. I was in the car on the way to its inevitable wreck, but still sliding slowly enough that I hadnt hit anything and nothing hurt. Yet. I see, I mumbled at last. You dont seem very excited. That was the truth of it. Im just taking it all in, I admitted. Just trying to absorb everything. I figured Ive been talking about these other jobs for a while it was time to make a decision. I felt like reminding her that I should have been part of that decision, but it felt like water over the bridge at this point. I shrugged, a gesture she couldnt see, and murmured, I suppose so. You like this job, huh? Yes, when I factor in everything, I keep coming back to this one. You like Chicago, dont you?

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The Weight of Days To Come I tried to parse those few words like a Talmudic scholar. Was she asking me my opinion of the city generally, how I thought shed like living there, or was she suggesting she assumed Id be there with her? At this point, I wasnt sure which I hoped she meant; whether she was leaving me behind or whether she was indifferent to my opinion about where we might live as a couple, either way it meant that she had all the power in our relationship, and I didnt like that. Great city, I said at last, keeping emotion out of my voice. Especially in the winter. It is pretty in the winter, she teased back. Especially Michigan Avenue. Flying out of OHare is always fun too. Good thing they have Midway as well, she countered easily. You cant deny the cultural life is pretty great theater, museums, concerts. If only you went to those. Maybe we would in a city like Chicago. I paused for a moment. The banter seemed like normal times, and her last comment almost sounded like I was part of her plan. Was she trying to convince me, or was she just talking? I couldnt read her. Then she muddied the water further. Hey, listen, why dont you come up for the weekend? she suggested. I mean, I dont know how much of tomorrow Ill end up being tied up, but wed have Saturday night and most of Sunday. I was taken aback. I did like Chicago, and it had been too long since Id been back. An impulse decision to go away for a weekend was something we would have done in the early years. But I found myself hesitating. I wondered if it was truly a last minute trip for her. I wondered if she really wanted me there. And, sadly, I wondered if she was going to be there alone. The green monster was back, its irrationality encouraged by this

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The Weight of Days To Come new twist. Maybe she was bluffing in her suggestion that I come, proposing something she doubted I would accept just to cover her tracks. It almost made me say yes just to hear her reaction. But I didnt. I couldnt explain why, but picking up and flying to Chicago for a weekend on the spur of the moment just seemed impossibly hard, and spending a weekend there, with her potential new job and move there, was impossible to imagine. Best case scenario, I foresaw some big fight at some point in the weekend, when everything came to a head somehow. Worst case scenario, Id go there and discover she did have her new boyfriend ensconced somewhere after all. Perhaps her supposed job meetings were simply liaisons, and my presence there might simply be as a beard. Maybe he was married too. I didnt want to find out. The doubt was preferable to the certainty that could hurt, a lot. I think Ill pass, I said at last. If I had to stake my life on it, I would bet that there was no boyfriend, but that didnt mean she wasnt preparing for a new life that might not include me, and it didnt mean I could find the nerve to help her prepare for it. I see, she responded with a neutral tone of voice that revealed neither disappointment nor surprise. Too bad, but its all right if you dont want to. Ive got to get going Ill be in touch. We hung up, and I wondered if our marriage had just ended.

Later in the day Ken Swanson called me. Marc, he started, I have some bad news. Uh-oh, I thought to myself, trying to anticipate where this was going to go. My immediate thought was that he and Brian Culpepper had finally had their first major disagreement. Whats up? I responded as coolly as I could. Youre going to be mad at me, he warned me.

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This was going to be bad news, I thought to myself. Dont worry about that. Whats up? Im going back to Seattle. His voice was flat and definitive. I wasnt sure what this meant, or why it was bad news. Some crisis with his family, perhaps? What do you mean? I asked. For the weekend? I could practically hear his head shaking. No, no. Well, yes, actually. This weekend. Im going back to Allison. To see Allison, you mean. It felt like pulling teeth. He exhaled heavily. Im moving back, he announced, his voice thick with emotion. I want to be with my wife. I was silent for a moment, trying to work out how to respond. Whats going on, Ken? Why all of a sudden? Its not all of a sudden, he objected. I thought shed change her mind. I thought shed come out here. Maybe she still will, I advised, already knowing it was futile. Take a week or two off, talk things out with her. Tell her about how much you like it in your new job. Im sure Brian wouldnt mind. Brian was going to be furious, I knew, with Ken and with me if Ken did back out, but I also was sure hed gamble on the week or two away from work if it meant a chance of not having to find a replacement for Ken. It had taken long enough to find him, and it was going to be harder to find a new replacement. Wife problems or not, the rumors that Brian was hard to work with would just grow larger.

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The Weight of Days To Come Weve talked for hours on the phone. More and more in the past week. Bottom line, she says she still loves me but she doesnt want to leave her life out there. She wants me to come back to it. Ken, you took a new job, a big job. You may not have a job to go back to, and its going to look terrible that you left this job so quickly. To be honest, it may hurt your career enough that it will be years if ever that you get another opportunity like this one. Im just saying are you sure youve thought this through? I was trying to sound as rational and helpful as I could, but part of me felt terrified by his impulsiveness, or what seemed like his impulsiveness. No, not so much impulsiveness as recklessness. He was risking his job, his reputation, and his career on his desire to be with his wife, a wife he couldnt even convince to move along with him to further his career. Some men would have seen her unwillingness as a sign of her lack of love for him, but Ken was abandoning his professional prospects to concede to her preferences about where to live. What was he thinking? I love her, he told me plaintively. Thats all that matters. I was not going to talk him out of it. Love didnt put food on the table, or pay for the table, much less the roof over it, but I could tell there was no point in arguing. In point of fact, he was still young enough that his career could survive this kind of mistake, although it would cost him. Perhaps it would even be worth it. I no longer had the time to recover from that kind of mistake, but Ken and his wife still had a chance. Does Brian know yet? I asked at last. Ken told me hed talked to Brian, and that I could expect his call. I asked how Brian had taken the news, and Ken laughed in a way that indicated it hadnt been funny. Its not a conversation Id ever want to have to do again, he admitted. I laughed with him to show that I understood, meanwhile imagining the conversation Brian and I were going to have. I hope youre not mad at me, Ken said earnestly. I really enjoyed working with you, and it was a great job. It just wasnt

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I know, I consoled him. In truth, I wasnt mad. Id been through enough candidates changes of heart to be philosophical, or at least resigned, about this kind of setback. All I could do was make sure the candidate in this situation understood the consequences of his decisions, and in Kens case I was pretty confident he did. It just wasnt meant to be. Ken thanked me for my understanding. We exchanged a few concluding formalities best of luck, nice working with each other, keep in touch and so on but neither of our hearts were in it. His heart was already in Seattle, with his wife, the stubborn Allison. My heart well, my heart was barely beating, between Kens sudden news and Karens apparent defection. The irony of my candidate bailing out on the job Id placed him in to be with his wife while my own wife was in the process of bailing on me and our life here was just too much.

Brian Culpepper did indeed call, within the hour, and he lived up to his reputation for anger. Mostly he was angry at Ken, but my role in delivering Ken to him to create the situation didnt escape his attention. I mostly just listened and tried to ride it out. Its a loss, all right, I told him soothingly, once hed wound down some. Probably not the first time either of us has seen something like this, and probably not the last either, unfortunately. Last time I take a chance like this, he growled. I thought the wife was going to be a problem, but Swanson said he could handle her. If he cant handle his wife he wasnt right for the job in the first place. His indignation had a self-righteous tenor to it. I reminded myself not to tell him about my problems with Karen. So, should I get started on finding you a replacement, Brian? I asked, trying to sound upbeat. My contract called for me to be liable for a replacement should a candidate leave within the first year, so I was on the hook for the work. Since my conversation with Ken Id been thinking of who Id reach out to; the pool was not deep, and Id already fished it once.

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No, I dont think so, he told me flatly. I think Im going to go in a different direction. That was not what I wanted to hear. A small sense of doom started to loom. Brian, youve already paid me. Our contract obligates me to find you someone else. Im already on it, I said, slightly overstating my efforts. Forget it. Just send the money back and Ill figure out where I want to go from here. Send the money back? Id been counting on that payday. It literally was in my bank account. Recruiting 101 was Never return the fee. It was just like Brian to be irrational like that. Brian, I know youre upset right now, and you have every right to be, I said soothingly. But we have an agreement, and the agreement says I work for you to find you another candidate. I just want a refund, he growled. It didnt work out. There are no refunds, Brian. You know that. There was an ominous silence on his side, and when he spoke again his voice was icy. Marc, you are in a relationship business. Reputation, word of mouth, that kind of thing. I dont think you want to get into a pissing contest with me. Just return the money and what happened with Swanson stays between us. Yeah, between us and whomever youre in the room with next time you get mad about this, I thought. If Brian started a pissing contest I could poison his well too, making it tough to get another good candidate to come there. But it wasnt a war either of us would win. Tell you what, Brian, lets talk on Monday, I suggested in a conciliatory tone. Give us both a chance to let things cool off a little bit. He hemmed and hawed but

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The Weight of Days To Come eventually grudgingly agreed, although not giving me much hope that hed change his mind.

The day had gone badly enough already, but the bad news wasnt over. Late in the afternoon Tondo called. Hello, Marc, he chirped. Im so sorry Ive been so hard to be in touch with. He didnt sound particularly sorry. Thats all right, I told him, more graciously than I felt. I know how busy you are. To be sure. But were ready to move ahead on the AD DX job, and we want Karen. I could feel his beaming smile even over the phone. I see. Have you, umm, talked to Karen about this? No, Marc I wanted to talk to you about it first. Ill call her next. Good luck with that, I thought. Yeah, well, you might be a little too late about that. I quickly filled him in about Karen having other opportunities and that she was close to finalizing one of them, without revealing whom they were with or where. Tondo paused before responding. I see. That will be veryunfortunate if Karen has accepted another position. I will call her as soon as we get off the phone and see what she thinks. His voice was calm and emotionless. If Karen had told me the truth, she would be in discussions about her new job, so Tondo was going to have trouble convincing her, or even getting in touch with her. Yeah, Ill be curious to hear. Dont forget my other candidates, I reminded him. Adam and Tom would both do great.

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The Weight of Days To Come Yes, he said smoothly. We liked them very much, and if Karen is, indeed, not interested we will be sure to give them every consideration. I felt reassured by that; they were great candidates, and with the prospect of Brians payday evaporating I didnt want to think about Tondos disappearing as well. I shouldnt have been comforted. Tondo continued in an apologetic tone, you see, we have identified another candidate on our own, someone Patrick and I both know and have a great deal of respect for. We would have to give that person extra consideration as well. This time Tondo did sound genuinely sorry about the fact, but I knew him well enough to know that he wouldnt let that deter him from picking their person if thats what he thought was the right business decision. I quickly mentally reviewed the agreement. I did have the exclusive, but nothing prohibited them from filling the position with a candidate I hadnt brought to them nor did I get paid in that case. I see, I said at last, not attempting to mask my disappointment. Lets see first what your wife says, Tondo insisted, his tone back to its normal cheerful levels. If she isnt our person, then well see about the other candidates. And if things do not work out for your other candidates, well, there will always be other things we can work on together. It sounded logical and conciliatory, but I knew Tondo well enough to know that what Tondo was really saying was that if Karen bailed on the job, they were going to their candidate as their next choice. Neither situation was definitively decided yet, but with a sinking heart I knew that in the space of an afternoon Id lost one actual fee and one expected fee, neither of which I could afford to lose especially if I was soon to be a divorced loser on my own. I didnt have much in the pipeline, partly because these past few weeks Id been neglecting pursuing new engagements, too distracted by the other things going on in my life and feeling pretty good about the two fat paydays that had now, regrettably, evaporated.

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I hung up the phone feeling broke and more than a little afraid for my future. Old age had never seemed as threatening as it did now.

Chapter 43 I spent the weekend in a funk. I skipped the pool both mornings, didnt go out for meals, and didnt do anything productive. A more far-sighted person, such as I once thought I was, might have used the two professional setbacks as incentive to start working on what I was going to do next to create some revenue opportunities. After all the time Id been in business, I knew the drill go through my contacts, identify people I hadnt touched base with lately or people whod mentioned they might have something, follow-up with people at companies where Id seen there had been some turnover or major changes. Maybe even call in a few favors, if it got that desperate. Id done well over the years, not just for myself but also for my clients and my candidates, and liked to believe I had a reservoir of goodwill waiting for me. But I just didnt care. Not at the moment, not for the weekend, and I wasnt sure I was going to again. I cant claim that I was a recluse all weekend. I didnt spend the weekend huddled in a dark closet, and I answered Karens few calls and texts over the weekend. She knew something was off with me and pressed me on it, but I told her I was just feeling punk and she didnt push it. She seemed a little distracted by whatever she was doing there, to be honest. She just told me to get some rest and stay hydrated, but I had the feeling she didnt think that was going to solve what was wrong with me. Robyn also texted me to tell me she was in her new apartment, giving me the address and telling me I should stop by when I had the chance. I told her I was happy for her which

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The Weight of Days To Come I was, despite my own malaise and waffled as to exactly when I might stop by. I didnt feel up to going there this weekend. A mans house was supposed to be his castle, according to the hoary old adage. While I didnt feel like going anywhere else, I couldnt honestly say it felt like a castle or that I was the king of anything. I stayed there not because it felt so much at home there or even safer there, but because it just seemed like too much effort to go anywhere else. I didnt want to run into people I knew or would have to even casually interact with, and I definitely didnt want to see other people leading their happy lives. Maybe if I knew I could watch a bunch of unhappy people moping around reflecting on their even worse lives I might have made the effort, but there werent any foreign art films showing. I felt weighted down by life, and silly about feeling that way. Karens life had momentum, and now was acquiring more. It should have been easy for me to coast along in her wake, let her carry me through the next few years of life. Moving shouldnt be such a big deal. We could move there, I could pick up some new assignments, and life could be good. Why wouldnt I look forward to more happy days together, like the one wed had at the Arboretum? Instead, I felt like doing nothing. Nothing to get myself psyched to move, nothing to get myself set-up for some more work, nothing to congratulate Karen on her big new job. I didnt even feel like checking in on Robyn to see how her move had gone. I just wanted to wallow in my self-pity. Well, I didnt want to, but thats what I was doing. When I let myself think rationally about it, I decided again that I didnt think Karen had a new man. She wasnt a mean person, and I couldnt believe she would talk about her new job and moving in the way that she had unless she expected Id come with her. She thought that I would be OK with wherever she wanted to live, move whenever she decided it was time to change. But she wasnt doing that to shed me, I didnt believe. In a way, that made me feel worse. She must feel sorry for me, and was willing to carry me, even as the deadweight Id become.

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It was possible, I allowed glumly, that she had not yet realized what a loser Id become. I hadnt really told her about how few assignments Id been working on, or that my two current ones had fallen through. She hadnt been around enough to realize how I wasnt working as hard as I should have been, and used to. Our texts and phone calls werent enough for her to discern how scared I was about the rest of my life, and in our periodic times together either I hid that fear well or she chose to not see it. Knowing Karen, she might not even recognize what it was. I wandered through the house, thinking of the years wed spent here. To be fair, Karen had spent much less actual time here than I had, due to the combination of her being away so much and me working from home. Still, I liked to think we had good memories here, that she could think of our life here as having been good. I couldnt quite understand why I didnt want to move from here, though. The house was comfortable, but, at the end of the day, it was just a house. There would be nice places to live in Chicago too. Cary was a good place to live, but so was Chicago, with all the added advantages that a big city like Chicago had to offer. I was no stranger to moving, and Karens new employer would no doubt hire a moving firm to make the move as painless as possible. We wouldnt have to do the packing or unpacking ourselves. All wed have to do was tell them when to come and where to take our processions. All the logistical things, like putting the house in the market, looking for a new place in Chicago, changing addresses, getting new drivers licenses and such it was a bother, but nothing that thousands or tens of thousands of people didnt do every year, and nothing that I hadnt done several times before. It just wasnt a big deal. But it was. Somehow, I felt incapable of even starting the series of steps that would be required. I didnt see the point, and I didnt feel able to make the effort. Karen might not be done with me yet, but I felt she surely would see through me soon. She hadnt signed up to be with a washed up old man. She wouldnt tolerate it, and I didnt want her to have to. I could move there with her, only to watch her grow increasingly frustrated, dissatisfied, and unhappy with me. I wasnt the man she had married, much less the man

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The Weight of Days To Come she deserved. Really, she was a saint for even wanting me to move with her. I shook my head; all right, I was married to a saint, but that didnt mean I wanted to be a burden for her. Better to have a clean break. Better to let her start her new life on her own. Shed be surprised, I liked to think, and maybe shed have a good cry, but I had no doubts that shed quickly regroup, and go on with the rest of her life. I wasnt going anywhere. Not moving, not in my career, not in keeping my marriage alive and well. This house felt less like a womb and more like a tomb. I tried to think of how the house would feel once Karen had gone, all her things with her. I wondered if Id just leave the vacated spots empty, or if Id end up filling them with decorations as impersonal as the furnished apartments Id seen with Robyn. I knew I wouldnt have the ambition to redecorate on my own; acquiring new furniture, new mementos, new evidence of a life after Karen, all seemed ludicrous to me now. What would be the point? Who would that person be? Before Karen I had been a person who took trips, had adventures, did things with friends, and filled my own homes with accumulated physical memories. But that person had been a younger person, a person with hopes and, dare I say, dreams that I somehow no longer had. It wasnt Karens fault; she hadnt robbed me of those. My lack now was my own fault. I could keep on muddling through the rest of my life. I had some money, and sure some new jobs would come along with a modest amount of work on my part. I didnt think that Karen would take me for much, if anything, in the divorce. She might let me keep the house, or maybe wed sell it and Id end up as Robyns neighbor in one of those impersonal furnished places. It wouldnt make a lot of difference to me; without Karen, I was numb to whether I was here or somewhere else. Some people didnt know when to stop their lives. Look at Jack LaLanne, working out to the very end. Look at Jack Nicholson, still a hound well into his seventies. Both of them fought aging and at least didnt let it stop them from the things they enjoyed. Then there were people like Elvis or Orson Welles, who each lasted a few years longer than they

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The Weight of Days To Come should have. James Dean, Galois, Mozart those guys did it right, making their mark but not outliving their talents. If I didnt do something, I was in real danger of outliving my life. Id already had my best years. There had been good years, with lots of good memories, but it seemed all too obvious that I was on the downside of my life and slipping fast. Once Karen was out of my life, things would really fall apart. It made me sad to think that thered be no one to truly mourn me. It would have been nice, I thought, to have someone at my funeral who would really miss me, who would be impacted by my passing. Maybe Robyn might miss me, but, after our recent odd conversations, even she might not be around. It didnt really matter who was or wasnt going to be there. I sat in the kitchen with a beer Sunday evening. I could blow out the pilot light of the oven, let the gas fill up the house and slowly put me to sleep for good. There were plenty of sharp knives in the kitchen, any one of which would do the job. It wouldnt hurt too much, I tried to assure myself, once I made that first big cut. Id surely grow numb as the blood ran out, all over the kitchen floor or, if I wanted to be neat, in the bathtub. And, of course, there were plenty of belts around if I wanted to try to hang myself. Sadly, I wasnt going to do any of those. I didnt know where the pilot light was, or how long the gas would take to do the job. I hated knives. And hanging was so problematic; it might be a long, agonizing death if I didnt manage to break my neck right away. My best bet was that a prowler would break in and kill me, but the neighborhood was way too safe to make that likely. So Id sit here brooding, day after day. Id end up an old man, sighted occasionally by neighbors as I furtively went out for odd errands. Id probably stop the swimming, of course, as I wouldnt want to talk to other people at the gym. So Id get fat and out of shape, piling on to the ongoing aging of my body that would happen under the best circumstances. Friends and colleagues would try to keep in touch, but would slowly drift off as I stopped responding or making any efforts to be engaged.

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The Weight of Days To Come Not a pretty picture, the rest of my life. Say I went with Karen. It wouldnt change anything. Shed increasingly carry me more and more, as I disengaged, and to my inevitable decline I could add the disgrace of knowing she was witnessing it firsthand. At first shed feel concern for me, then pity, then finally disgust. Shed feel guilty about feeling that way, and Id feel bad for making her feel that way. It would make an already unpleasant end all the more ugly. Bad for me and worse for her. No, I wouldnt be going to Chicago with Karen.

Chapter 44 I managed to drag myself to the pool the following morning. I didnt feel like it not in the least but the thought of another entire day inside the house filled me with dread. I walked into the pool and spotted Robyn stroking away gracefully in her lane, oblivious to anything else. Carson was in the pool chatting to Marty, who was sitting at the edge of Carsons lane, a few lanes away from Robyns, so I headed towards them. Hey, guys, I called out. Carson nodded, while Marty gave me a long look. You look like hell, he noted. Yeah, well, you should see it from inside my head, I responded glumly. Too much partying? Carson asked with a sly expression, suggesting hed been there. Not exactly. Long story. Carson pulled himself out of the water and retrieved his towel. He quickly dried off and told us he had to go meet Adele, so Marty and I told him goodbye. Give Adele my best, Marty added.

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The Weight of Days To Come As Carson walked away I asked Marty if he knew Adele, other than just meeting her at Sues funeral. Ive met her a couple times, he told me. Nice girl. She kind of wears the pants in that family, I have to say. I wondered how he knew that, and couldnt help but wondering how he would assess the pants-wearing situation in my household; I didnt really want to know. In any case, it would be moot soon enough. I didnt respond to Marty, and glanced over at Robyn swimming away. Marty followed my gaze. What is it with you and Robyn? he asked, surprising me. What do you mean? I tried to not appear defensive or feel guilty. Marty gave me a reproachful smile. Come on, Marc. Im old but Im neither blind nor senile. Theres nothing going on with us, I responded at last. Honestly. Marty studied me for a long few moments, to the point where I was uncomfortable. Maybe, he allowed, sounding unconvinced. Maybe not for you, but Im telling you, Marc, shes different lately. Different how? I wondered if hed picked up on Robyns declaration of independence from her mother somehow, although it had been pretty sudden. Marty shook his head, and looked over at Robyn. She was so graceful and smooth, making it fun to watch her. It looked effortless, although I knew full well that it wasnt. It required coordination and conditioning that I not only lacked now but never had. Little things. She used to keep her head down, just get in the pool and do her business. Now, she looks for you when she comes and when shes done. She even smiles at the rest of us.

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The Weight of Days To Come What makes you think it has anything to do with me? Maybe shes just shy and it just took awhile to start being friendly. It sounded plausible to me, and Marty considered it at some length before responding. Maybe, he responded at last, not sounding convinced. He turned his attention back at me. But I see how she lights up when she sees you. She hides it well, Ill give her that, but its there. I flushed a little, both embarrassed and pleased by his observation. I dont know about that. Sure, we talk. Weve had lunch a few times. I shrugged. But theres nothing going on. Marty looked at me, and I wasnt sure if there was a twinkle in his eye or if he was just letting me off the hook. Maybe from your side, you being happily married and all. I dont know about from her side, my friend. His face was serious, even worried, as he looked back at Robyn. Shes a good kid, he added softly. She is, I agreed, wondering if I was helping or hurting her. You better be careful with her, Marty warned me, his voice slightly gruff. I looked over at him. Believe me, the last thing Id want to do to Robyn would be to hurt her. Marty nodded, but kept watching her. There was a fondness in his eyes that almost seemed paternal. Or perhaps it was sadness, I couldnt really tell. You might not mean to, but shes more fragile than you think. I let out a quick laugh. Fragile? Just look at her. Shes strong as a horse. I wish I was that strong.

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The Weight of Days To Come Marty shook his head, as if disappointed in my naivety. I didnt say she was frail, he corrected me. I said she was fragile. Its not the same thing, not at all. She could get broken very easily. And Id hate to see that. I understood that, and it was a picture I didnt want to see. Marty had somehow transformed from just a chatty guy at the pool to a wise man, or, rather, it had been there all along and Id been too self-involved to notice it. I nodded my wordless agreement. Marty looked over at me kindly. Youre a strong one you have to realize not everyone is as strong as you. Me? Strong? I laughed. I dont think so! If there was anything I didnt feel, especially lately, it was strong. Maybe it was all relative, with Marty comparing me to himself. Marty just smiled at me. Youre the guy in those war movies, the average guy who ends up being the unexpected hero. The Tom Hanks character. I think youve got the wrong guy. Do I? he asked cryptically, keeping his eyes locked on mine. If my life was a war movie, hed be the tough old sergeant, or maybe the general, whod seen it all and still was capable of surprising people by letting them know he cared. I stared at Marty but didnt say anything in response. His assertion seemed so out of the blue that I didnt know what to make of it. I didnt feel like a hero, I didnt feel strong, and if I was a Tom Hanks character itd be more like the guy in The Terminal than the captain in Saving Private Ryan. Marty watched me and seemed to read my thoughts. With an encouraging smile, he turned his attention back to Robyn, still swimming away steadily. There was nothing more to say. With a last look at Robyn, I got in the pool and started my workout, trying to block out the rest of the world, which seemed heavier to me than ever before.

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The Weight of Days To Come When I finished, Marty and Robyn were both gone, but Mary was kicking away two lanes away. I was a little surprised Marty wasnt still around. For all I knew, hed shanghaied Robyn when she got done with her workout in order to have a fatherly or, rather, grandfatherly talk with her. I wondered what he might say, and how Robyn might characterize our relationship. Marty seemed to think she had some sort of crush on me, which was flattering but which I doubted. On the other hand, I didnt have a better word for what she might feel towards me. When I checked my phone I found a text from Robyn, suggesting we have lunch at her apartment. I paused for a long moment, thinking that if Marty was right things could go bad in a hurry. I could have made excuses, told her I was too busy or had another lunch, but I figured I might as well face things head on. I had so many problems already that it didnt seem like things could get any worse. So I hoped. I texted back fine, and asked if I could bring anything. She replied almost immediately, saying shed just order a pizza and asking my topping preferences, which I sent back. The rest of the morning I puttered away aimlessly. I at least started going through my emails, replying to some of them and updating my databases. I listened to some voicemails but didnt make any return calls. I felt like I was waiting, not so much for my lunch but for what I couldnt quite say. The other shoe to drop, perhaps? At noon I found my way to Robyns new apartment. Come in, she said at the door, smiling a proud smile and appearing pleased to see me. She dressed neatly in her work clothes, presumably planning on going back to work after lunch, and she looked like the proverbial million bucks. The pizza is already here. So, I said, stepping inside as she closed the door behind me. Is this the new food court?

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The Weight of Days To Come She led me towards the kitchen area, where the pizza box sat on the counter, with plates out already. Well, I do have rent to pay now. She didnt sound too worried about it. Id give you the grand tour but youve pretty much seen it, and I dont want to let the pizza get cold. She directed me to a chair at the kitchen table, and dished out a slice of pizza. She also got me a soda to drink giving me a glimpse of her mostly empty refrigerator and sat down next to me with her own slice and a glass of water. I couldnt help but notice that she must have bought the soda for me, as Id never seen her drink a soda. I felt both complimented and slightly worried about it. Your place is nice, I complimented her. In fact, it looked very much like the unit in this complex wed visited. This one had a slightly brighter color scheme, different kitchen appliances, and a bigger flat screen television in the living room, but it still felt like an extended stay hotel. I couldnt really see any personal touches, aside from some flowers on the table, which could have come from the rental agent for all I knew. They had a card on them, although I didnt want to be so crass as to try to read it, so even they didnt quite count as a personal touch. Perhaps she had photos in her bedroom. I like it. She beamed at me, her eyes lively. It was fun to see her so animated, without her typical reserve. I want to show you my other new toy. She practically leapt out of her chair, went over to the counter to get her purse. She pulled an iPad out of it. I got it this weekend. Oh, those are cool, I gushed, taking it from her as she handed it to me to look at. You know, she told me. I thought about getting a laptop, but I decided why get a laptop and then get an Internet connection for here, when this will do everything I want? She looked very satisfied with her decisions, and I couldnt fault her logic. Ive thought about getting one of those, but havent gotten around to it, I confessed. I moved my fingers. Too much typing; I like a physical keyboard.

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I dont even think Ill get cable, she said, holding the iPad proudly in front of her. I dont watch much TV, and if I want to I can watch it on this. Most things, anyway, I agreed. We ate our pizza largely in silence. She only had one slice, while I was a little more of a glutton and ate most of three pieces. So, how do you like living on your own? I asked as she was munching carefully. So far, anyway? Robyn seemed to give my question careful consideration, or maybe she was just finishing chewing before responding. I like it, she told me simply. She looked at what we could see of the rest of the apartment. All these rooms, just to myself! I can walk around, sit wherever I want. I can play music as loud as I want any music I want. She smiled happily. Its the little things, I agreed, although I was having a hard time imagining her playing loud music. I wondered what music she might listen to. Had her mother conditioned her to music from her i.e., my era or was Robyn discovering new music of her own? I smiled back at her. Hows your mom taking it? Her smile faded to something that could be characterized as polite. Oh, its hard for her, I guess, she conceded a little glumly. Let me guess, I said casually. The flowers from her? Robyn barely suppressed her smile. It was her excuse to stop by. I think she wants to help me redecorate. She shrugged. Its not like I was that crazy about how she decorated our house. Her house. The distinction seemed important.

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The Weight of Days To Come Well, I expect youll add more of your own touches to the place, after you are here awhile. Well see. Her tone was curiously enigmatic why wouldnt she make the place more her own over time? -- but I let it go. I helped her clean up, talking her into putting the remaining slices in the refrigerator. We stood awkwardly in the kitchen. I wasnt sure how quickly she wanted to get back to work, or if she wanted to show me the rest of her apartment. I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious, standing in the apartment of a young, attractive, single woman. Robyn wasnt dressed provocatively in any way, just slacks and a conservative blouse, but she looked as fresh and, well, healthy as always. I could kiss her, I thought out of nowhere. I could simply lean over and kiss her. It wouldnt be the strangest thing anyone had ever done. Not even the strangest thing Id done, to be honest. Maybe she was even expecting it, I rationalized. Maybe she would be disappointed if I didnt make a pass of some sort. After all, I was presumably the first man shed had over to her new apartment, and that was the kind of behavior that one usually did in ones own place. I found myself studying her face very closely, thinking of how soft her lips looked, how tender her cheeks would feel. I thought about how it would feel to take her in my arms, to feel her body against mine. It had been a long time since Id hugged really hugged any woman other than Karen. Sure, I hugged Laura when we got together, but those were friendly, lean-in hugs, not hugs designed to maximize bodily sensation. Karen still had a great body, but she wasnt an athlete in her thirties, and there were no more new moments when it came to feeling her body. Touching Robyn would be all new, exciting for any man and, I hoped, novel and thrilling for her. I found myself getting aroused at the thought, and searched Robyns face desperately for a sign, a clue, for any indication of what she wanted me to do. While I was doing that, I thought of Martys warning, and, like that, the moment passed. Maybe she wanted me to make a move, maybe she didnt, but what mattered was that I knew I shouldnt. It might be what she thought she wanted, but I couldnt fool myself that it was what she needed. I exhaled heavily, as if releasing my disappointment, and

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The Weight of Days To Come looked over at the living room. Well, I guess I better get going, so you can get back to work. Robyns face grew unexpectedly tentative at this, like she wasnt quite ready for me to go. She held up a hand. If you can wait a minute, theres one more thing I want to show you. I told her that was fine, but as she headed back towards her bedroom I got worried again. What if, I thought to myself, she reappeared in her bra and panties? Or a slinky robe? Id seen her in a swimsuit, of course, and she looked damn good in it, but on her it just seemed utilitarian, an aid to her swimming, not a means to show off that lithe body. Picturing Robyn in lingerie, with its implicit promise of seeing the most intimate parts of her in short order, was a whole different ball game. Was there anything as exciting as seeing a lover naked, or even half-naked, for the first time? Especially if she was young and sleek as Robyn and he was an old married man like me. If she came out with signs she wanted to seduce me, I admitted grimly, well I was only human. Even Marty would understand that. To my mixed relief and, dare I say, regret, Robyn emerged dressed the same, and with a serious, not seductive, expression on her face. She was carrying a small bottle, which she handed towards me. What is it? I asked, looking at it. It was a prescription, made out to her, dated the previous Friday. As I read the detail on the bottle, I felt my face drain and thoughts of a romantic interlude went completely out the window. Theyre sleeping pills, she told me, confirming what Id already deduced. For when were ready. I handled them back to her numbly. My mind was racing faster than I could find any words. I looked at her apprehensively. What, what do you mean? Ready for what?

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyn looked at me reproachfully. For when youve had enough. For when you tell me you want to go to sleep and not wake up. She nodded her head at the rest of the apartment. I have a nice, neutral place here. We wouldnt spoil any memories for anyone else, wont leave a mess for anyone we care about to clean up. She smiled brightly at me, a smile without fear or artifice. I could scarcely breath. Is that is that why you got your own place? I asked, stunned at the possibility. She shook her head. Not entirely, she replied carefully. It was time to move out, like you said. But I thought I could do that while you were making up your mind. I found myself shaking my head. Arent you happy? Youve got your own place, your iPhone and iPad. You can make friends, start a new life. Robyn frowned, not sure why I was objecting. Then her face softened, as if she suddenly understood. Much to my surprise, she reached out and touched my cheek, ever so softly, with her hand, cupping my cheek with the palm of her hand. I found myself closing my eyes, just for a moment, as I took comfort in that gentle and warm touch. Its all right, Marc, she told me softly. You dont have to be afraid.

Chapter 45 I drove home in a state of confusion. Robyn was presenting me with a perfect way out of the mess of my life. Of course, it would be suicide, when all along Id been pretending I was waiting for random fate, an act of God, if you will, but at some point the distinction became silly. Robyn was giving me an easy way out. I wouldnt even have to face my passing alone; I could slip away in the company of a like-minded person whom I cared about. That was the problem.

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The Weight of Days To Come Robyn was too young to want to die. She had just started her own life. I didnt know what kind of happiness shed had so far in her life, but I had high hopes that she could find it now. The new apartment, the new technology toys with their access to different kinds of media and social interaction it all should open up her life. She could make friends, start dating, go out and do all the things that young, single, attractive people do. Eventually she should fall in love, get married, have kids. Her life was in front of her. Not so with me. Id lived my life, enough of it anyway. I could live another thirty years, but it would all be downhill from here, with the slope starting to get increasingly steep. Looking for an easy way out made all the sense in the world for me. Robyn was being incredibly understanding and supportive by her offer, unconventional as it was, but that didnt mean I should be selfish and drag her down with me. Plus, if I were to be found with Robyn, people would draw all sorts of incorrect conclusions. Theyd think we had been lovers. Theyd probably conclude Id somehow lured Robyn into a suicide pact first I drew her away from her doting mother, then I took advantage of her innocence to talk her into ending her young, promising life. That sort of thing. It would make for lurid headlines, be cited as an example of the type of predatory men who existed in the world. My reputation would be sullied, and people would pity Karen, all the while wondering how she could have married such a monster. None of that would be true. We could leave notes to try to counter those accusations, but no one would really believe them. If I read a news story with the same ending, it would be what I assumed. The worst of it would be that Karens memories of our time together would be clouded in retrospect, unable to be sure she ever knew me. Id lose not just my life but also the life wed had together, all those good memories wed had. I pulled into my garage and closed the garage door, but didnt turn off the car. I should stay in the garage, I brooded. Let the carbon monoxide gradually lull me into an

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The Weight of Days To Come irreversible stupor. Karen wasnt home, I would only sully my car and, perhaps, the garage. It would be painless. The garage felt very quiet, even with the music from my car radio playing. It also felt lonely. Some people like to hang out in their garage. They built workshops, practiced with a band, turned them into a spare bedroom, or constantly reorganized them. Id never been such a person. The garage was just a place to shelter my car, plus store a few odds and ends that didnt belong in the house. Karen and I kept it neat enough, but there wasnt enough stored in it to make organization an issue. I didnt dislike the garage, but it wasnt one of my favorite parts of the house either. The idea of killing myself here had surfaced off and on in the past, idly, but the circumstances had never been such to seriously consider it. Now they were. I didnt want to die here. It felt, well, pathetic to have this be my final place on earth, ending up as a lifeless mass not so different from the shovel or the lawnmower. I hated to admit it, but resting on a bed or a couch next to Robyn suddenly seemed much more appealing not as lonely, not as sad. After all, what did I care what people thought of me after I was dead? What possible difference could their impression of me matter? Karen would be leaving me anyway, so an end like that would give her all the more justification for having made that decision. I turned off the car and went inside.

Karen called later that night. I hadnt made any progress on my decision about Robyns offer. It wasnt as though she was requesting immediate action. She wasnt pressuring me to hurry our mutual demise. I rationalized that she probably wanted to play with her iPad for a while watch some movies, download some music, explore a bunch of websites shed never known of or imagined previously. Heck, it might be weeks or months before she got antsy about the suicide idea, or even raised it again. Then, again, my own circumstances were somewhat more urgent, as Karens call reminded me.

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Hey, there, she said lazily. What are you doing? Brooding would have been the most correct answer, but I didnt see the point of admitting that. I was sitting on the couch in my study, the television on but at low volume and tuned to some detective show whose plot Id long since lost the thread of and whose main characters I could care less about. They were implausibly attractive, their faces curiously unmarred by the violence they suffered through or inflicted weekly, and oblivious to the point of being obtuse about the scripted attraction between them. Still, it beat Jersey Shore. Oh, the usual, I replied, realizing it wasnt so different from the response Id initially thought of. Good, good, she hurried along, not seeming to really care what the usual might be. Listen Ive pretty much finalized the job negotiations. Great salary, nice stock rights, and I arranged for a start date that would let us take a little time off if we wanted to. Is that so? I answered neutrally. Good for you. I heard but did not pay attention to the use of us in her sentence. Shed jumped off her cliff, without waiting to see if I was following or not. Karen paused. You dont sound too excited. Long day, I explained half-heartedly. I found myself not wanting to get into it; I just wanted to crawl further in my hole and not have to explain my reaction. Long story. Anyway, Im happy for you. There was another pause before Karen responded. Im getting kind of a strange vibe here, Marc. Whats going on? I hadnt intended to get into this discussion right then, but after a day arguing with myself about whether, when and with whom to commit suicide, putting it off didnt seem

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The Weight of Days To Come advisable. In fact, I was happy for her, to the extent I could separate the wreckage of my life, of our shared life, from the exciting next stage in her life. I tried to muster some enthusiasm in my voice, even though I didnt feel it. Karen, Im really happy for you. It sounds like a great opportunity. For me, you mean, Karen said. She knew me too well; she inferred my meaning from what I wasnt saying. Not for you? I sighed heavily. I figured I might as well cross the bridge. Its always been about you, hasnt it, Karen? I said quietly. Im not blaming you Im really not but the job, the move; I dont really figure into it, do it? Marc, go to video, Karen urged, and I complied, even though I dreading doing so at the moment. It was hard to have the conversation, but it was going to be much harder doing so while seeing her face. Karen looked great, as always, and the sense of her on the other side of our conversation got so much stronger and more real as a result. Seeing the concerned and confused expression on her face made me feel even worse. I felt a familiar sense of pride that this woman was, inexplicably, my wife, coupled with the new crushing knowledge that my time with her was borrowed and running out fast. I wondered what she saw when she looked at me; the man she married, or a guy whod aged much more than she had expected. I didnt want to know. Whats going on? she asked. She looked concerned, as if I was hiding a terminal illness or something. Something that would explain my reaction in a way she could understand. I shook my head in frustration. Karen, Im not even sure you want me to come with you. All this talk about a new job somewhere else I thought you wanted to go without me. Karens face showed her shock. Why would I want that?

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I smiled sadly and shrugged. Maybe youve outgrown me. Maybe, I dont know, youve found someone who fits into your life better. Maybe Im just an old, tired guy who cant do another move. I shook my head again in frustration and despair. I wouldnt blame you, I added kindly. But Marc. She shook her head, reflecting her lack of comprehension. Weve talked about this. Ive been telling you what Ive been doing every step of the way. Glum as I was, I had to protest, albeit meekly. Youve been telling me, but we havent talked. You didnt ask what I was thinking. Karens expression grew even more bewildered. It was not an expression I was used to seeing on her, and it threw me. But, why didnt you say anything? she asked. Why did you wait until Id accepted the job before you bring all this up? I had no answer to that. My face fell. Karens face grew determined. Were not having this conversation on the phone. Im coming home. She stopped and thought for a second. I cant make it tomorrow, but Ill be home Wednesday, and well talk about it then. Her face softened. I knew that face. I was a problem that Karen had to solve, and she was sure she could. It did not slip my attention that it wasnt even important enough to break whatever she was doing tomorrow to get home and have that conversation as soon as possible. She might be coming home earlier than planned, but not necessarily with all due speed. I should have felt mad about that, or at least sad, but at the moment I didnt feel much of anything at all. It will be all right, Marc, she added tenderly. But I couldnt see how.

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Chapter 46 I went to Trevors office around eleven the next morning. Hed called earlier in the morning, and asked me to stop by. I was puzzled that he suggested his office, rather than one of our more typical meeting places his house, his club, a restaurant, the driving range, and so on. The receptionist, his long-time assistant Beverley, greeted me cheerfully when I walked through the doors. Hey, beautiful, I replied, walking up to her desk. Id known Beverly as long as Id known Trevor. She was Jasons godmother, which some of Trevors friends had thought odd but which spoke to their close relationship. There had long been rumors that theyd been lovers, of course, and some thought that they still might be. Certainly Beverly was still an attractive woman, even if now in her late fifties. She was tall and svelte, not an athletes body but a nice one nonetheless. She was always dressed impeccably, and her hair and make-up were always just so, whether she was in the office or at a casual function. I couldnt imagine her in, say, jeans or flip-flops. Trevor always denied the rumors of anything more than a close platonic friendship between them, chuckling that people might think there was more, but Id always wondered too. Id seen Laura watch Beverly carefully when they were both around Trevor, and was sure she had her concerns as well. Beverly had left her job as his assistant at Aeson when Trevor retired from there, which surprised some of her compatriots, but not anyone who knew her well. She viewed her mission as protecting and making life easier for Trevor, and she would follow him wherever he went. She had a husband at home, no kids, but the man in her life was Trevor. Trevors office was in a nondescript office building in downtown Raleigh. Hed chosen not to use an office at Aeson, as he was entitled to, knowing that as long as he stayed around, people would be tempted to defer to him instead of looking to Jason for decisions. Hed even chosen not to locate in Research Triangle Park, where Aeson was located and where there were plenty of other companies he knew people at. Trevor had

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The Weight of Days To Come once told me hed chosen his new space because it was closer to more nice restaurants, which wasnt implausible, but I always thought he liked making people come to see him. The office space itself was modest but impressive a comfortable anteroom for Beverlys desk and a waiting area for visitors, a large office for Trevor himself, a conference room, and a small office just in case a visitor needed a place to work. All were expensively furnished, and there was a great view. The building itself was an old one that had been renovated, and the owners had done a nice job of it. A large law firm took up several of the floors, and the rest of the building was filled with other law firms, investment companies, or consulting firms. Hes almost ready for you, Beverly responded, smiling at me. She was good at it, and I never knew if I got a special smile or if she had an array of special smiles that she used to make most visitors feel truly welcome. I could see some activity in the conference room, and nodded towards it. Trevors got company? Beverly didnt bat an eye or look back to see what I was referring to. Yes, full house today. No long lunches this week. I leaned in a little closer. Something going on? I asked quietly, as if someone might be listening. I had to admit that Trevors office often seemed a little subdued, as busy as he kept himself with Boards and such. It was a far cry from his days at Aeson, but today there was a spark of energy that I could sense. Beverly batted her eyes at me. Somethings always going on with Trevor, she replied obscurely. You know that. Marc, sorry to keep you waiting, Trevor said, coming out of his office. He was in his shirtsleeves but still looked immaculate. A younger man followed him out. He was dressed in an expensive suit and had the haircut to match. He gave me a once over, evidently not very impressed and turned his attention back to Trevor. I suddenly felt underdressed in my khakis and sports jacket, even though it was one of my nicer sports jackets. Trevor wouldnt care, but I was sure Id lost points with his visitor, if anyone

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The Weight of Days To Come was keeping score. Let me know what you come up with, Trevor told him, clapping him on the shoulder encouragingly. To my surprise, the younger man headed towards the conference room rather than leaving. Trevor ushered me into his office, closing the door behind him. He indicated I should take a seat at the small seating area rather than in front of his desk, so I settled into one of the comfortable leather chairs, which easily cost several thousand dollars each. Get you anything? Trevor asked. Soda? Something harder? Its a little early, I replied. Soda is fine. Diet if you have it. I thought he might call out to Beverly to get it, but he did it himself. He got out a can of soda and a bottle of water from a small but well stocked refrigerator, then put some ice from an ice bucket into two glasses. He filled each, and handed me the one with soda, then sat in the chair perpendicular to mine. He looked at me with barely restrained excitement. How about them Tar Heels? I teased. Trevor was a diehard Duke fan, and he hadnt brought me here to talk basketball. He waved my comment away with a dismissive hand gesture. I want to talk to you about something, he told me with an expression I couldnt quite read. I figured. I took a careful sip of my soda. So, let me guess youre going ahead with this political run? What office? Trevor held his face expressionless for several long seconds, then his eyes gleamed and he broke into a smile. He was like a kid with a big secret. Nope. Better. I looked at him in surprise. Better? You mean its federal?

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The Weight of Days To Come He made a disgusted expression. Damn politicians. Could you really see me sucking up to all those donors and special interest groups? He shook his head vigorously. In point of fact, I could, having seen other successful businessmen get seduced by the prospect of public service. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt, but I could see Trevor making it work. I guess not, I replied politely. He leaned in slightly closer towards me. Im starting a company, he announced eagerly. He seemed immensely pleased about the prospect. I thought about the guy in the suit and his compatriots in the conference room and thought: of course, investment bankers. I didnt really know what to say. Not what I expected but not as out of the blue as his idea about running for office had been. I see. He nodded sagely at me. I know, I know. I told everyone I was retiring and going to enjoy my life but this is what I do. This is what Im good at. I had to give him that. Trevor was a lot of fun to hang out with, he had a lovely wife and great kids, but what he loved was running a company. I lifted my glass at him. Congratulations. Trevor filled in some of the blanks, without getting too detailed. Hed found a smart guy with some novel ideas for mobile applications in the health care space. Trevor was putting up about two-thirds of the money, and getting some additional investors to pick up the rest of round one. Hed be the CEO, of course, and have a majority stake. I figure a year to be up and on the market, maybe two plus years to get positive, he explained. Ive already had some preliminary conversations with some resellers and theyre very interested in the concept. He fairly glowed with excitement.

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The Weight of Days To Come Im really happy for you, Trevor, I told him, meaning it. At the same time, I was thinking my wife is starting a new job, in a new city, and my best friend is starting a new company, while I barely could get out of bed in the morning and faced the days ahead with dread. Clearly, I was doing something wrong with my life. What do Laura and Jason think? He settled back in his chair triumphantly. Jason wants to put Aeson money into it, but I told him I wanted it to be clean. And Laura? Well, shell miss being a Senators wife but she knows this is what gets me going. Whether it was life as a politicians wife or as an entrepreneurs, Laura must have realized that any hopes she had of long lazy afternoons with Trevor werent going to happen. I wondered how she truly felt about that, but decided, either way, she could have worse choices. It didnt mean Trevor didnt love her. I also wondered what I was doing here, and let the moment stretch out in silence until Trevor realized I was waiting for him to fill me in. He swirled the water around in his glass, making the ice clink. He looked at me with satisfaction. So, I suppose youre wondering why I called you here today? I shrugged nonchalantly. Just wanted to share the good news with a friend, I assume. Meanwhile, I was quickly trying to figure out if this might mean a nice recruiting assignment on his behalf, helping him staff up his company. Hed be easy to recruit for; Trevor had a great reputation, so if he believed the company had promise, so would candidates. Itd mean a good chunk of change for me, plus working with Trevor would be fun. It might take my mind off Karens leaving. On the other hand, it would be a lot of work, which at the moment I didnt have the energy for. Trevor laughed politely, then grew serious. Marc, listen: I want you to come work for me. He looked at me intently.

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The Weight of Days To Come I was still thinking in terms of recruiting, and struggled a little with his choice of words. Are there certain jobs you think you need help filling? I plowed on doggedly. He smiled Id fallen into the trap hed expected me to. No. Not a recruiting assignment. I want you to come work for me. As the meaning of those words sunk in, and as I visibly gaped to grasp the idea, Trevor quickly sketched out what he had in mind, which was essentially the head of Human Resources, plus a few other duties to be determined. Well be a small organization at first, he concluded, so everyone will wear a few hats. He leaned in and patted my knee. What do you think? I was floored. I hadnt seen this coming at all. Trevor could tell from my reaction that I was surprised, and I didnt try to hide it. I dont know what to say, Trevor. It had never occurred to me. I shook my head, trying to process the idea. Trevor looked very pleased with himself. I was getting the impression maybe you were getting bored with your recruiting. Youve done it for a long time and youre good at it but maybe its time for a new challenge. Plus, you know, I know you and Karen have some stuff going on. I didnt know which hit me harder: my current antipathy towards new challenges, or the reminder about Karen. Here was Trevor, older than me, but with a young wife and a youngsters fearlessness about risks and new challenges. I felt old, old, old. I looked away from Trevor, and he sensed something was wrong. What? he prodded carefully. Karen told me last night she took a job in Chicago. Good job, I guess. I tried not to sound as forlorn about it as I felt. She want you to come? Trevor asked delicately, sensing there were deeper waters than it might appear.

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The Weight of Days To Come I shrugged. She says so, but Im not sure. She didnt really consult me about the job or the move. I see. Trevors face was entirely neutral. He rocked his head slightly from side to side, weighing both sides. Look, if you want to go with Karen, thats great. Im happy for her and happy for you. Laura and I will be your first visitors, I promise you. But this job well, you cant do it from Chicago. I need you here to help get things rolling. I let things stew for a couple seconds, then something occurred to me. I looked at him carefully. What is this, Trevor some sort of consolation prize? You feel sorry for me? Trevor scowled and got up. He paced over to the window, then went over to his desk and leaned against the closest edge. You know me better than that, Marc, he told me firmly. Especially not with a new company, one I really believe in. I want you on board because I think youll be good. You understand people. People like you. Youre great at figuring out what jobs people are right for. Plus, Ive always trusted your judgment. He shook his head decisively. Not charity, not a consolation prize, no hidden motives. Im building a team here and I think youd be a great addition to it. His voice had grown softer and more personal, and I had no doubt he was being sincere. He was a great salesperson, a great seducer, in business as well as romantically, and I was seeing those skills worked on me. I was greatly flattered, and a few weeks ago I might have agreed with his assessment. At the moment, though, I doubted Id ever felt less ready to take on such a challenge, nor less like I understood people or myself. Still, I didnt want to disappoint my good friend. I peered up at him. Can I think about it?

Chapter 47

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The Weight of Days To Come The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I numbly tried to keep up with my emails, but found myself poking around random websites that didnt have anything to do with potential searches or candidates. After a time I quit pretending I was trying to work and tried watching some old movies on TCM, but it was just background noise. Trevors offer had taken me by surprise indeed. Id honestly never thought about going back to work for anyone else, never considered any job other than recruiting. Recruiting was my niche, something Id been good at and had made a good living at. These days, though, I was like a species caught in global warming or facing a new predator; my niche was eroding rapidly, and I had to adapt or become extinct. Species usually didnt have the knowledge that they were dying out. They didnt think about the future, and they couldnt do much to shape it, so when the future came it was too late. Humans are both blessed and cursed by our ability to anticipate and, hopefully, try to prepare for the future. Still, some of us still are frozen with that foreknowledge, and let the future crush us when it comes. Thats how I felt. Instead of feeling better because I had a new option, it just made me feel worse. There were too many choices, all of them overwhelming. The logical, expected choice, of course, would be to go to Chicago with Karen, but it just seemed like it would make my current situation worse. I doubted the move would make me feel more inspired about working, so while Karen was off on her great new job my own career would go into an even faster tailspin. Whatever doubts Karen had about me would intensify, and at some point her love for me would be overcome by something closer to pity. Maybe that had already started to happen, and maybe I deserved it. It made me shudder just to think about it. Taking Trevors offer would mean lots of changes as well. Life without Karen, of course. Shed still be off in Chicago, living her great new life and missing me less and less every day. Id think about that too much, and grow even more morose. Meanwhile, Id be trying to do a new job, using skills I hadnt used in years, if ever. Trevor was my good friend, but he was making a big bet on me. What if I disappointed him? I didnt

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The Weight of Days To Come know which would be worse; him having to tell me he was disappointed in my work, or him trying to pretend he wasnt. So my last option was to stay here and try to muddle on as I was, sans Karen. I was having a hard enough time of it while we were still together, and couldnt imagine how much worse Id function once we separated and inevitably divorced. Sitting here in my study alone day after day well, Robyns offer about the pills would become more and more attractive, even at the cost of her young life. So nothing appealing behind door number one, number two, or number three. Three futures each involving downward spirals and vanishing hopes. I found myself fingering my belt and speculating about what I could attach it to in order to hang myself.

Ken Swanson called in the mid-afternoon. I didnt answer it, of course, but listened to his message afterwards. He said he was back in Seattle, and glad of it. He was sure hed done the right thing, and that he and Allison were happy together. He asked that I keep him in mind for future opportunities, but even in my current state I knew there was not much point of it. It would take a lot to convince me or any other recruiter that the next opportunity outside Seattle would be any different, much less persuading a potential employer to take a chance on another relocation for him. No, he was better off building up his network in Seattle. I wondered what it had been that had finally pulled him back. At what point did his love for his wife trump his career? Was Allison so tightly bound to Seattle that living somewhere else wouldnt ever an option for her, or was it just that Indianapolis hadnt been the right place for her? Why did she get to dictate where they live their lives rather than him? How did he decide his marriage was more important than his career? I supposed there were no lessons to be learned, that each marriage and each situation was different. But I could hear the happiness in Kens voice, and grudgingly had to admit that

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The Weight of Days To Come his choice wasnt entirely stupid, as incomprehensible as it might be to me or to Brian Culpepper. I found myself wondering if Id rather be Ken or Allison in the situation. I couldnt imagine taking a new job and backing out because Karen was left behind and unhappy about it, nor could I imagine asking her to give up a dream job to come back to me. I knew I wasnt going to tell her to not take the Chicago job. Shed think I was crazy, that I was being selfish, and shed be right. Maybe I lacked sufficient imagination. I knew Id give almost anything to sound as happy as Ken had.

Karen called around six. Bad news, darling, she announced. A-ha, I thought. Shes not coming home after all. She decided that I wasnt worth trying to convince, and was just going to cut her losses. I couldnt blame her. Whats that? I asked with a resigned tone of voice. Im stuck in St. Louis. Thunderstorms. It might even be true. I could have checked the airlines flight status, but if she was lying to me Id have just felt worse. I didnt need that. Is that so? Im not going to make it home tomorrow morning, she explained. Im really sorry. Really sorry. Im hoping I can finish everything up and get there tomorrow night. Its all right, I told her, feeling comfortably numb about the situation. It didnt matter if she didnt make it home sooner. We were just going to have a conversation that was going to make us both feel worse, and not change anything. I wished she was just

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The Weight of Days To Come continuing on her trip, or going to Chicago to start her new life. I picked up a piece of paper and a pen and started tracing some lines. No, its not, she insisted. I want to come and talk about things, make sure everything is all right. We have a pretty long history of talking about things over the phone, I reminded her, realizing after I said it that I might have opened the door to us having the conversation right then. I knew I wasnt ready for that. Maybe too much history of that, she replied, sounding uncharacteristically weary. Just then I could hear the airports public address system making some announcement, which I couldnt understand and suspected most people there couldnt either. Karen was silent, trying to interpret the airportese, and she sighed at last. Yeah, thats it, she conceded once the noise had subsided. Were cancelled. Good thing I already rebooked and made a hotel reservation, just in case. No standing in long lines for my Karen, I thought proudly. This travel sure sucks. You love the travel, I pointed out mildly. The lines in my doodle had turned into railroad tracks, stretching off into the distance. Id learned as a kid how to add perspective by drawing them closer and closer together in the distance, but remembered how surprised I was to learn that, contrary to junior high school geometry, parallel lines do meet. Or can meet, anyway. I didnt believe it until my father showed me longitude lines on the globe, and it was a revelation that the things I had taken as given were, in fact, situational. Parallel lines, it turned out, can stay parallel, can meet, or can drift ever further away, depending on the curvature of the local space. Very much like relationships, I thought dispiritedly. I do? she asked in surprise. No, I dont. Not any more. She sounded simultaneously indignant and world-weary.

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The Weight of Days To Come Well, youre in the wrong line of work then. There was a pause as Karen processed that. Why do you think Im taking this new job? she asked in a soft voice. I honestly didnt know. Um, more money, more prestige the usual? I fumbled. Dont be silly, she chided me. Well, I mean, thats all true but so was Tondos job or the job in San Francisco. I took this one because it means a lot less travel. A lot less. I was nonplused. I did not know that, I admitted at last. The railroad tracks had been joined by a small railroad station, with two stick figures standing outside. Karen sighed heavily. You didnt? I guess thats my fault. I didnt really tell you much about it, did I? Thats what I mean about needing to come home and talk more about this. Theres probably a lot I havent told you, a lot we should have talked about. I want to make that right. A glass half-full kind of guy and I was once a glass mostly full person might have heard that and assumed it meant she had more good news for me, wanted to tell me things that Id like hearing. Unfortunately, my glass not only wasnt half-full, it was broken, shattered in pieces. I heard what Karen was saying and thought about the other shoe that was getting ready to drop, right on my head, or on my heart. I forced a smile that I knew she couldnt see, and that I certainly didnt feel. Well, then, I guess well have a good talk tomorrow. Im looking forward to it, she promised, and paused for a moment. How was your day? I tried to decide if she was just being polite, or if she sensed something was off. Oh, you know, the usual? I said vaguely.

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Oh, really? Did you, um, go swimming? I had to confess I had skipped, but told her Id try to go in the morning, wondering if Id have the energy then either. She asked how my assignments were going, and I somewhat reluctantly told her about Ken Swansons message. So he screwed me, screwed his career at the same time, but hes happy anyway. Go figure. The important thing is that hes happy, she reminded me. It sounds like they just wanted to be together. I wanted to say something clever about us, but couldnt come up with anything appropriate. Instead, I told her something I hadnt planned on. Trevor offered me a job. My doodle now had a train on the tracks, although it was unclear if it was coming or going. For that matter, I realized, it was unclear if the two stick figures were greeting each other, or saying goodbye. Really? she asked, sounding puzzled. What, like to help recruit for the fundraising? Hes decided against the political campaign. Hes starting a company. Oh, really? That got Karens attention, and I could practically hear her professional gears engaging. What does he want you to recruit for? I wondered if she was thinking about whether Trevor might have a role for her, despite her just having taken the new job in Chicago. He doesnt want to hire me as a recruiter. He wants to hire me. For a job? she asked in disbelief.

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The Weight of Days To Come For a job, yes. Is that so hard to believe? I was slightly offended that she found it so hard to believe, even though a few hours before Id been even more surprised. No, no, she assured me. She cautiously asked, what kind of job? I briefly explained the job as I understood it, leaving out the proviso that Trevor had mentioned about the job needing to be local. I didnt want to confuse our situation any further. Sounds great, Karen told me, not sounding fully enthused; if anything, she seemed more still slightly shocked. Or maybe just thoughtful, still processing the concept. What do you think? I dont know, I told her honestly. I guess Ill add it to the list of things I need to think about. I studied my doodle, and dutifully added it to my collection. I didnt want to think about it any more. We can talk about it tomorrow. Karen sounded optimistic, or at least positive, but, then again, that was how she sounded. She was, at heart, a sales person. I was noncommittal, and I thought she would press me about that, but instead she let the conversation wind down. We each probably had a lot to think about, more than either of us was prepared for. I wished her a relaxing evening stuck in an airport hotel, and we said our goodbyes, all the while thinking about what could happen to me that would avert my being around for that talk.

Chapter 48 The pool had a full house of our little group the next morning, except, of course, no Sue. Mary was dutifully kicking away on her board, Carson was doing his own laps; even Marty was chugging away in his unique doggy-paddle. Several lanes from them, Robyn was swimming her hard laps, oblivious to us. I paused for a moment to admire her. I

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The Weight of Days To Come thought I would never tire of watching her swim. It was like watching any craftsman performing at the peak of their powers, I supposed it could be Yo Yo Ma playing the cello, Meryl Streep acting, a young Willie Mays playing center field, or Warren Buffet deciding where to invest. You didnt need to understand how they did what they did to know you were in the presence of something special. Of course, I was biased; certainly there were many swimmers who would put even Robyn to shame, but I didnt know them and none of them swam laps in my pool, so I was content to appreciate Robyns virtuosity without further comparison. I hit the water before Marty could make his way over to me, and focused on doing my laps. I hadnt slept well and was tired, which should have boded ill for my swim. Somehow, though, it helped keep me concentrating on the swimming, in order to just to keep going. I had too much to think about, too many worries, but it took all my attention to keep my arms and legs moving forward and to ensure that I didnt swallow the pool when gasping for breath. I welcomed the distraction from my precarious real life, and for forty minutes or so my world was limited to this lane and surviving the swim. Finally I tapped out at the pools edge, hanging on while I waited for my breathing to go back to normal and for my heartbeat to settle down. Robyn and Mary had finished up and had both left. I felt a little sorry about not getting to say hello to Robyn, but also slightly relieved, not knowing what to say. Marty was talking to Carson a few lanes over. I tried not to stare and couldnt make out what they were talking about, but it appeared very serious. I could hear the name Adele once or twice, which increased my curiosity. About the time I had recovered enough to feel like pulling myself up out of the pool, Marty patted Carson on the shoulder, and they ended their conversation. Carson walked off with a quick wave at me, and Marty looked my way and headed towards me. You guys looked like you were deciding the fate of the universe, I observed. Marty smiled at me tolerantly. Oh, he was asking my advice about something.

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You giving marital advice, Marty? I said in what was supposed to be a jocular tone, but which fell flat somehow. Marty gave me a mocking look right back. Why, you need some? I looked away and felt slightly flushed. It was probably just being overheated from my workout, I told myself fiercely, hoping either Marty wouldnt notice or hed assume the same. What, me? I countered, making my voice sound as light-hearted as I could. Nah, I wouldnt think so, Marty said smoothly, while continuing to study me with more scrutiny than usual. Not with that beautiful wife of yours. I grabbed my towel and started to dry off. I asked if hed talked to Robyn or Mary before they left, trying to pretend I was equally interested in the responses from each of them. He indicated that he had, passing along greetings from both without any special preference from either. Stalemate. I tried another tactic. Everything OK with Carson? I thought I heard something about Adele. Marty sat down on the edge of the pool and looked down at his legs, kicking them idly in the water. Oh, theyre both fine. Theyre just, you know, young. I think I remember being young, I responded dryly. I even remember being married young. Younger than they are. He looked up at me. Hard to remember, isnt it? It didnt last, I explained superfluously. He knew my marriage was a second marriage for both, so I felt sure he could figure out that the wife in question was not Karen.

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The Weight of Days To Come Marty nodded sagely and went back to watching the waves in the water that his legs were making. They were kind of hypnotic, cresting out and away until they hit a lane marker and rebounded, interfering with the next set of waves. There was undoubtedly a very involved physics to describe all that wave action, but physics had never been a strong point of mine. It was cool to watch anyway. Well, then you know young couples usually go through some crisis points, Marty explained. Sometimes they make it, sometimes they dont. Depends on the couple. I knew Marty had told me all he was going to tell me about Carson and Adele, so I didnt press the issue. I had worries of my own, after all. It was a little awkward looking down at Marty, but I had dried off now, and I didnt feel much like getting my legs wet again by sitting down next to Marty. I was about to say my goodbye when Marty looked up at me with a sly look. Sometimes older couples do as well. I froze. The smart thing to do would have been to leave then. Marty didnt know anything, couldnt know anything, and talking to him or anyone else was the last thing on my mind. Without understanding quite why, I sat down next to him, putting my legs in the water as well. What were you, a marriage counselor? I asked, not entirely kidding. Sort of, he told me with a stone face. I was a judge. That surprised me. Id never thought very much about what Marty had done for a living, or still did, for all I knew. A judge? I repeated stupidly. It wasnt as outlandish as it was surprising. He did have a certain wisdom about him. It was just that he didnt put on airs like he was full of himself. Really. Around here? He shook his head, smiling slightly no doubt enjoying my surprise. No, we lived up in D.C. I moved here after my wife died. My son and his family live here.

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The Weight of Days To Come I was mildly surprised. He didnt have much of a southern accent, but that was true of a lot of people living in Cary. I had somehow assumed he was a long-time resident. Im sorry about your wife, I said, not sure what else to say. Marty nodded as if I had said something profound, but didnt say anything further about it. We sat in silence, until it got to be too much for me. How long were you married, Marty? Martys face softened, and I could almost see the memories flash across his face. They must have been happy ones, judging from his expression. Ah, Rachel and I were married forty-eight years. I was really hoping shed make it to our fiftieth, but it didnt happen. He shrugged. Speaking in a subdued voice, he quickly explained shed died of bone cancer, which was a long and painful process. Shed died seven years ago. His face brightened. But she was a wonderful, wonderful wife, and I treasure every minute we were together. Plus, you know, we have our children and grandchildren. He offered me an apologetic smile. Id show you pictures but I dont have them with me at the moment, indicating his lack of pockets. Later, I promised. Sounds like you and Rachel were very happy. He nodded, keeping his eyes on the water, but a small smile was on his face. I thought for a long moment before speaking, but at long last could not resist. Marty, after she died, did you ever, you know, feel like giving up? Marty didnt react quite as I might have expected. He took his time, but eventually he looked up and over at me. He shook his head slowly. No. Never?

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The Weight of Days To Come He smiled at me, a smile full of sadness and knowledge of things he might have wished he didnt have to know. I missed her, of course. I missed her terribly. I still do. He shrugged and looked back at the water, which he kicked idly. But I had my life. I had the kids, my friends. I couldnt just not go on. Now I kicked at the water, adding my ripples to the surface of the pool. We were sitting there like it was an actual pond, except for the smell of chorine here and the total absence of mud, algae, or fish. Put a couple of fishing poles in our hands, though, and we might have fooled a casual observer. I could see not wanting to go on in that kind of situation, I said carefully. Matter of fact, I can imagine a lot of scenarios where someone decides dying is the rational choice, because life doesnt seem to have a point anymore. Cant you? Marty exhaled slowly but didnt look at me. I had the uncanny sense that hed put two and two together and had connected the dots with our conversation after Sues death. I dont know, he said at last. He shook his head. The people Ive known who committed suicide had mental issues of some sort, something they should have had medication for. It wasnt what youd really call a rational decision. It wasnt really an argument I should have pursued, but for some reason I plowed ahead. Look at Michael Jordan. Wouldnt it have been great if he died right after that last championship with the Bulls? No attempted comeback, no divorce, no failed time as a GM with the Wizards. He was at the peak of his life, and its probably been all downhill from there. Hell never be as good at anything as he was at basketball then. I mean, young kids dont really know who he is anymore. Marty let a faint smile drift across his face. From what Ive heard of Michael Jordon, he probably thinks hes that good at everything. Except maybe not baseball, I interjected with a weak smile.

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Probably not, he allowed. Besides, I am under the impression that Michael enjoys a good cigar, golf, gambling, and the ladies. Plus, hes got kids that Im sure he wanted to see grow up. I doubt hes too eager to give any of those up. I was silent for a few moments, listening to the quiet sounds of the pool and the faint noises from the rest of the club. I liked sitting here, doing nothing. I remembered that Karen had once told me she didnt like the pool because it was too much like church. I hadnt understood it at the time, and it may not have been what she meant, but it suddenly hit me how it was like a church, at least at the moment. The high ceilings allowed sounds to echo, which inspired either whispers or shouts, depending on how irreverent one felt. The sense of purpose, worshiping something higher. Swimming didnt really compare to God, of course, but we were monks of a sort, doing our penance through our efforts in the pool. And if the pool was a church, that might make Marty the high priest, something that I would have laughed at the day before but not at this moment. I dont know, I said. I just think that, at some point, you think of all the years youve lived, all the things youve seen, all the changes youve gone through, and maybe you think its enough, you dont want any more. Youve lived a good life, its enough, and maybe youre worried the years ahead wont be worth it. Too many risks, too much change. I was pretty much talking to myself, spouting off aloud what was running in my head. Marty absorbed my rant without reaction; he just sat there, focused on the water and gently kicked his legs, creating more of those hypnotic waves. I ran out of things to say, or maybe I thought Id embarrassed myself enough, so I fell silent, and we sat there in a heavy silence. At long last long enough so that it would appear his comments werent necessarily in response to my outburst, Marty spoke up. It does catch up with you, he agreed. The years, the things youve seen, the things youve done. He ran a hand over the top of his

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The Weight of Days To Come head, forcing some excess water out of his hair. He looked over at me solemnly. All those experiences make you who you are, but each day you have choices about who youll become. That sounds even more daunting, I complained. Sounds like too much work. Marty laughed sympathetically. No, no, Im just saying there are reasons to get up every day. You never know that your best days are behind you. Id smiled when Marty had laughed, but I let it fade from my face. Some people do. Lots of people look back at the good old days, but they forget that they probably werent quite so good at the time, Marty said. You tend to forget the times that werent so good. Sure, I miss Rachel and the times we had, but I still look forward to whats going to happen every day. I nodded. Im glad, Marty, but maybe thats just you. Maybe not everyone is like that. We were quiet for what seemed like a long time, but what was probably only a minute or so, just sitting there with our feet in the water contemplating the pool and, at least in my case, our lives. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Marty smile. Ive always liked being around water, he told me. You know, civilization has always centered around water. Humans can figure out lots of different things to eat, but we always need water. I didnt understand his change of subject but I didnt mind either. Tell it to the folks in Phoenix or Las Vegas. He laughed and nodded. Yeah, humans have gotten pretty cocky about what we can do, I suppose. His face got more serious. Water makes up about seventy percent of the surface of world, and about that same percentage of the human body is water. Funny coincidence, huh?

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I shrugged. Neither statistic was entirely new to me. I suppose so. You know, the scientists dont quite agree on how the earth got its water. Some think it was lots of comets hitting. Others think all the early asteroids hitting the earth vaporized rocks and squeezed out the water. He rocked his head. Any way it happens, were lucky the Earth kept it. If wed been a little closer to the sun, it would have evaporated away. A little further, and it would have frozen. I gave Marty a pained expression. What is this, a science lesson? He nodded sympathetically. I know, I know, I get carried away. It just strikes me sometimes how lucky we are to be here. Lucky how? Like getting the water. Like the Earth being in the right distance from the Sun. Like having a moon. Like having ancestors who decided living in the trees as apes wasnt as good as they could do. You believe in a master plan, Marty? I asked, trying not to sound snide. He raised his alms. Maybe. Whether there is a master plan or not, a Creator or not, I do know that you and I won the genetic lottery. Were alive and living a life that anyone living a hundred years ago would envy. Im a generation older than you, but I think back to my childhood and all the things now that make life better. I dont know, I argued, Maybe times were simpler when you were a kid, when we both were kids. Maybe life was slower, better.

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The Weight of Days To Come People always think that about their childhood, he responded without heat. It was simpler. You didnt really have many choices, and you didnt know any better. But if youre really honest, would you really want to live back then, or any other time? He turned to look at me. I paused before making a knee-jerk response and actually thought about his question. No computers, no mobile phones, no cable, no widespread air-conditioning, no civil rights the list went on and on. I suppose not, I conceded. Its a miracle were here, Marty proclaimed. Its a miracle we have all we have. Complaining about things seems like wishing you had better miracles. Seems petty somehow. So everyone should just be grateful for what they have, I protested in a quiet voice. Not want better? Wanting better and not being grateful for what you have arent the same thing, Marty pointed out gently. After a few seconds I nodded and looked out at the water. Marty looked out at the water and we were quiet for a time. Those guys I knew who committed suicide and they were all guys, he said at long last. Each time I heard about one of them, I thought to myself, where were his friends? Where was his family? Maybe theyd run out of them, I suggested in an equally quiet voice. Maybe they were worried theyd lost them. Marty nodded silently. After a bit he patted my thigh, surprisingly, and slid into the water. He turned around to face me. Im glad thats not a problem either of us has, he said, giving me a look I couldnt quite decipher.

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The Weight of Days To Come I smiled wanly, and took a deep breath. If Marty was the high priest, this was the time for confession. My wife wants to start a new life somewhere else, I confessed reluctantly, not looking at him. My career looks like it is winding down and I might have to start a new one. Im not sure Im up to any of it. I raised my hands in frustration. I dont know what to do about any of it. He peered at me quizzically. Does your wife want you to come with her? I sighed, my shoulders slumped. She says she does. Marty nodded thoughtfully. If I were married to a beautiful woman like Karen and she wanted me to go with her to start a new life, Id do it, he informed me. I looked over at him and was about to argue with him, to point out all the reasons that wasnt a good idea, but he silenced me with a firm look. Marty pulled his goggles over his eyes, gave me a last look, then turned around and paddled away. I watched him until he was halfway down the pool, then got up and walked away, suddenly knowing what I had to do.

Chapter 49 Im waiting at the airport for Karen to return. In the old days Id have been able to go back to her gate, but TSA frowns upon people without tickets going through security. Id considered actually buying a ticket just so I could get to the gate, but then Id have created the situation of a passenger with a ticket not getting on the intended plane. That would probably trigger an alert, throw the airport into lockdown, and end up with me on some TSA watchlist for years. So Im just waiting outside the security checkpoint, watching the deplaning passengers walk through.

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The Weight of Days To Come Karen let me know shed been able to catch a late flight after all, and its just landed, according to the information board. My being here reminds me of the early days of our courtship, when I greeted her at the airport after most of her trips, especially the ones when shed been away longer. It was fun feeling so excited to be with someone that we didnt want to waste an extra minute, as silly as it might be. Im as excited now as I was in those days, although now my excitement is not pure anticipation but is mixed with uncertainty. Karen is not expecting me, and Im not sure how she is going to react to what I want to tell her. I want Karen to take the job in Chicago. She wants a change in her life, is excited about the new job, and is looking forward to living in Chicago. She is looking forward to not traveling so much, which must be taking its toll on her, intrepid traveler that she might be. Its all good for her, and I want the best for her. And I want to go with her. Im not sure that my going with her is what is best for her. All the reasons I had thought about my being a burden on her still ring true. She could do better than me. The thing is, she could have done better than me when she married me, and she did it anyway. So if she wants me to go with her and she says she does then Im going with her. Marty was right. Id be a fool to say no to her. Its going to be tough to move. With the housing market being what it is, it will take a long time to sell our house, and well probably lose money. Things wont get easier with my job, my career. Ill have to work harder to seek out new contracts, new contacts, and new candidates. Ill have to tell Trevor no on his great offer, and wont have him or Laura to hang out with socially. Well have to make new friends, which is not easy at our age in a new city, especially a big city like Chicago. There are lots of reasons not to go, but the reason to go is to be with Karen. It wouldnt matter if it was Chicago or San Francisco, San Diego, or Fargo. If she wanted to go to

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The Weight of Days To Come any of those places, and wanted me to come, Id go. It took me a long time to realize it, but I know now that where she wants to go, so do I. Im still going to get old. I have a lot of indignities yet to come, a lot of declines ahead, both mentally and physically. The economy is a mess, my career may be ending, our income may be lower while our cost of living will get higher, and I dont see a lot of promise that the younger generation is going to do a great job supporting my generation in our retirement years. All the reasons I had to dread the future are, sorry to say, still there. Some bad things are going to happen, to me and to the people I care about. Im going to face disappointments and setbacks. So be it. I want to see what happens. Thats really the reason we get up every day. The future is not known to us. We may think we have broad outlines of what is yet to become, but we dont know for certain. Hey, for all I know theyll invent an anti-aging pill. Karen and I may hit the Lotto. Visitors from another planet may visit Earth. Im just too curious about whats coming to trade in my chips yet. One of the things I want to see is what happens to Robyn. Shes a young person with so much potential, so much she can do with her life. Shes lived too long closed off from life, and she is just ready to blossom. It will be fascinating to see what kind of person shell turn into. Robyn is still at the age when all things are possible. Shes single, not quite settled in her career. She may have a few years of dating, several jobs or careers, and may live in a few more places before she finds the life she wants. Its an exciting time for her, or it should be. Im not that age anymore, and I may not have the same range of options she does. Maybe. But I can still make a move, and who knows perhaps Ill start a new career. Trevor thought I could do something else, so maybe I can. I know lots of people, including more than a few in Chicago, so it wouldnt be the strangest thing that had ever happened if one of them shares Trevors willingness to let me try something new.

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The Weight of Days To Come The difference between Robyns life and mine is not what the future may bring thats still open, for both of us -- but what the past has brought, and thats over. I do carry my past with me, but its weight is up to me. The future hasnt happened yet, so allowing the thought of it to be a burden is, if you think about it, kind of silly. If Im lucky Ill have learned a few lessons from my past that will help me manage that future, but theres no assurance that any of my life lessons will be of any use for whatever happens next. We each start out each day not knowing what will happen. Robyn and I, and every one of us, will just have to muddle through what life throws at us as best we can. At least Ill have Karen, if Im lucky. Telling Robyn I was going to move with Karen was hard. I worried that shed think I was abandoning her, and that my departure might trigger whatever suicidal impulses she might have. It wouldnt take much of a frost to kill the blossoming she was just starting. To my relief, she understood, or said she did. Im glad, she told me. You should be with your wife. I like to think she meant it. I told her she would have a place to come visit in Chicago, a prospect she seemed intrigued by. She told me shed never been to Chicago, or many other places. And we can text and video each other, she pointed out. Shed smiled at me. Well stay in touch. I promised that we would, and I hope we will. It was probably arrogant of me to fear that my absence could put a halt to her life. I might have helped get the ball rolling just a little, but I hope its rolling on its own now. I dont really know how Robyn took my news. As much as I like to think Ive gotten to know her, she still hides much of herself behind those cool eyes and neutral expression. She didnt seem to be upset, but she may now think Im another person whom she put some trust in yet who ended up just disappointing her after all. I hope not. I like to think not. I hope I helped her, at least a little. And I do know, and hope with all my heart that she does too, that as long as Im alive, shes got a friend, someone who believes in her and will support her. I just need to

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The Weight of Days To Come keep letting her know that Im still around and there for her, even long distance. Hey, what is technology for if not to help close long distances? I wish I knew that everything was going to go well in Robyns life, but I know even less about her future than I do my own. Theres no guarantee that her bottle of pills wont prove too tempting, or that she wont retreat to the safety of her mothers cocoon. Try as you might, you cant ever save someone elses life. All you can do is to throw them a lifeline, but its up to them to grab it. When she needs it, if she needs it, Ill be there with my lifeline. Id be lying if I said the thought of staying and getting involved with Robyn hadnt crossed my mind. She was certainly young and beautiful. For some reason, she trusted me, which was half the battle in getting a woman to fall in love with you. Men my age look at Trevor, for example -- did sometimes get involved with much younger women, and society seems to accept it. Yes, it was tempting, and might be exciting, at least in the short term. I think about that moment in her apartment, and Im pretty sure I could have kissed her. Maybe more. Moreover, I dont think shed have been surprised, and I dont think shed have resisted. I havent dated in a long time, but I havent totally lost my skills. I think that if I had pushed it, I could have gotten her to become involved with me. Shed have had qualms about my being married, but her mother had already convinced her we were both going to hell already, so whats one more mortal sin? Had we gotten involved, though, her mother would have been right, about me anyway. Itd be wrong. There were two problems with the idea of getting involved with Robyn: one was that I was still in love with my wife, and the second was that I owed Robyn more than that. Her life isnt something for me to use to try to offset my fears about my own life. Robyn could do worse than me, but its not to be. Another time, another life hey, who knows? If shes anything like the rest of us, shes going to make mistakes in her romantic life, and get hurt along the way before she finds the right person. I just know Im not going to be the person to hurt her. Some lucky guy is going to get the thrill of having her fall in

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The Weight of Days To Come love with him, and Ill be happy for them. Ive taken an interest in her life, as a friend, and my role is to try to help her live a long, happy life, on her own path. Before I move, Im going to frame the first doodle I did of Robyn -- her as a mermaid, swimming gracefully away -- and give it to her. It reminds me of how much she struck me that first time, before I even met her. It will be the only time Ive ever given one to anyone, much less treated as anything serious. I want her to have it, and to be reminded of how I see her, how special she is. Maybe it will help her, maybe not, but its something I think shell like. I hope so. Martys words at the pool were very insightful, and very eloquent, but what persuaded me in the end were not his words, but his swimming, oddly enough. It was how he just keeps paddling away. It turns out that while I admired Robyns grace in swimming, I was missing the truly amazing thing at the pool. Despite age, infirmity, lack of grace, and every other reason not to do it, Marty keeps showing up at the pool and keeps paddling away. From afar, his efforts might seem comical or even somewhat pathetic, but you had to get closer to see the courage and determination. Some people, like Trevor or maybe even Karen, live their lives as smoothly as Robyn cuts through the water. Its nice to watch, but you dont really learn that much by watching it. Most of us, though, have a tougher go of it; we chop and struggle through life, just trying to keep moving forward. If Marty can keep paddling away in the pool, how could I do less with my life? I can see a string of passengers trudging in from the gates. They look, for the most part, tired. Some of them are coming home, and a few have friends or family waiting for them. Some are here on business or on their way somewhere else, and no one is here for them. Karen isnt expecting me to meet her here, and is undoubtedly expecting a trying night ahead of us talking things out, her trying to understand my concerns and persuade me all is still good. She doesnt know shes already won -- that weve already won -- and that Im so excited about our future together that I couldnt even wait for her to get home

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The Weight of Days To Come to start it. I want to see the expression on her face when she sees me here, when she sees the happiness on my face just to see her, and I want to wrap her up in my arms. Shes been away too much from me, but somehow I got that confused with her being apart from me. Im not going to make that mistake again. I see her now coming down the hallway towards me -- looking beautiful and tired and determined, but most of all looking like the love of my long life -- and start walking towards her THE END

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