For Better or For Worse

T+L=C (Talk + Listen = Communicate)

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Key Verse – “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to
speak, slow to wrath: (James 1:19)
Disclaimer – Due to the serious nature of this message, we will begin today’s sermon
on the lighter side!
Show “You’re getting robbed”
And the moral of the story… Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can have serious
consequences.
Now, that is true as true in a marriage as it is in a convenience store! Did you know that
according to most studies, communication problems are the leading marital problem, and
the leading cause of divorce?
What constitutes poor communication? There are many things, like saying the wrong thing
at the wrong time, not saying anything at all, saying things in anger, bringing up the past to
hurt the other person, using malignant humor, not listening, and a host of other things.
Bad communication can even be something as seemingly harmless as not being on the
same page with each other. Check out this next short clip…
Show “German”
As we just saw, poor communication can lead to disaster. And that’s especially true in a
marriage. Which reminds me…
Have you every heard the one about the judge who was interviewing a woman regarding
her pending divorce?
He asked her… "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, your Honor” she responded.
“No, I mean, what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, sir”
Frustrated, He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No sir," she replied, "Only a carport”
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but
the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week, I sleep in.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he can't communicate with me!"
Oh, how did it ever get this way?
I think I know… Look with me in your Bibles to Genesis chapter 11…
“And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. And it came to pass, as they
journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there.

And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them throughly. And they
had brick for stone, and slime had they for mortar. And they said, Go to, let us build us a
city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be
scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.
And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men
builded. And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language;
and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have
imagined to do.
Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand
one another's speech. So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all
the earth: and they left off to build the city.”
Why do we have so much trouble communicating? The answer is clear in verse 7, where
God said, “Let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not
understand one another’s speech.”
Our ability to relate to each other was confounded in Genesis, and we’ve been confounded
ever since!
Notice also, that the inability to communicate caused everybody to stop building.
Boy, that’s still true today! Many marriages are suffering because a husband or wife, or
both have given up on building a better marriage.
In His book, Devotions for Couples, Patrick Morley dedicates the entire second section to
The Delicate Art of Communication. In the second lesson, entitled Bridges, Morley
writes…
“In a primitive land, far away and long ago, villagers placed slabs of stone in the stream to
get over to the other side. Thus began the first bridge. To build a bridge is the most natural
thing to do.
For as long as people have been separated, they have been trying to bridge the gap. To get
connected. To come together.
Branches laid across a stream. Timber, stone, and brick. Concrete, iron, and steel. Long
suspension bridges, and arch, and girder. The Golden Gate Bridge. Brooklyn Bridge.
“Bridge over Troubled Waters.” The Bridges of Madison County. The Bridge over the
River Kwai.”
Bridges that span deep gorges. Bridges across wide rivers. Bridges over the bay. Train
bridges. Covered Bridges. Car Bridges. Foot bridges. Bringing people together.
He goes on to say, “Walls are everywhere, but so are bridges. Whether you build a wall or
a bridge depends on your purpose.
And then he asks… “Do we want to let our mates in, or keep them out?
You may answer that question; with “Let him/her in, of course!” But could it be that the
day-to-day reality of your relationship says otherwise? Could it be that if put to the test,
the communication building in your marriage was producing a wall instead of a bridge?
I think some would be afraid to answer that question honestly. The truth is, many
marriages are languishing because of poor communication. Husbands and wives have
failed to communicate, or communicated poorly for so long, that they’ve simply given up
trying.
And, yet, it doesn’t have to be that way. There is hope for tearing down the wall of
isolation in your marriage and building a bridge to each other’s hearts once again.
But how do we do this? If the rule of our faith and practice is this Book, then the answers
for improving communication in our relationships must lay within. And yet, to the best of
my knowledge, there is no doctrine of marital communication. There is no chapter, or
passage dealing with how a man and his wife should communicate.
True, there are bits and pieces of biblical instruction dealing with proper communication.
The Apostle Paul deals with it in Ephesians 4:29, when he writes…
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the
use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
And James gives an extensive treatment of communication in James chapter three; most
notably when he writes, “Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My
brethren, these things ought not so to be.” (James 3:10)
And of course, there is that foundational verse that we read in the beginning, James 1:19,
which says, “…let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”
From these few examples, we can hear the Bible teaching the art of good communication
in dealing with such things as ensuring that we plan our conversation with the intent on
building people up, rather than tearing them down, speaking words of blessings, rather
than curses, and practicing listening more than talking.
But while these teachings are essential, and we can learn a lot from them, sometimes we
can learn even more through the practice of observation. And there is no better person to
learn from than Jesus Christ.
Now, I know that there is a problem. Jesus was never married, so we have no situations in
which we see Him building a bridge of communication with a wife.

But I don’t think we need it. I believe we find ample examples of Jesus communicating
with other people, particularly women, that provide us with some principles we can use in
our own relationships. For example – John Chapter 4, and the story of the woman at the
well.
Let’s look there together as we see Jesus deliver the goods on some TLC (That is, T+L=C
or Talking + Listening = Communicating)
Today I want to give you FIVE PRINCIPLES to help you build the bridges of
communication in your marriage.
Set the Stage
“When therefore the Lord knew how the Pharisees had heard that Jesus made and baptized
more disciples than John, (Though Jesus himself baptized not, but his disciples,) He left
Judaea, and departed again into Galilee. And he must needs go through Samaria.”
Principle #1 – Initiate the conversation – Have you ever failed to initiate a meaningful
conversation with your spouse because you did not know how to begin? Maybe you
wanted to have a deep connecting conversation, maybe about something serious, but you
just were not sure how to get there. You tried that ‘direct route’ before, but it did not work.
So you have a destination in mind, but you need a road to get there. Well, build a bridge!
That’s what Jesus did. Listen to verses 5-7: “Then cometh he to a city of Samaria, which is
called Sychar, near to the parcel of ground that Jacob gave to his son Joseph. Now Jacob's
well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied with his journey, sat thus on the well: and it
was about the sixth hour. There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith
unto her, Give me to drink’.”
Now in this culture, a man did not talk to a woman (and especially a Jewish man with a
Gentile woman) Yet, Jesus, very casually and matter-of-factly asked this woman for a
drink.
Why? Well, He was thirsty! And I suppose that is true. But you can be sure that a drink of
water was not the main issue on His mind when He spoke to the woman.
Jesus was building a bridge. He was looking for a way to speak to the woman on a deeper
level, so he used an ordinary situation to begin a conversation. He used something
insignificant to build a bridge to her heart, where He would soon deal with things that were
eternal.
Maybe you’ve tried to talk to your spouse about the deep things, but every time you bring
it up, the wall just keeps getting thicker and higher. He comes home from work, and the
first thing you do is bring up “that”.
Listen, he can’t handle that. He’s had a rough day. The boss breathing down his neck, the
job unfinished. The project deadline past. Whatever the case, he can’t handle dealing with
that right away.
So, build a bridge. Yes, you want to get somewhere deep into his heart, but be willing to
start somewhere else. But, you say, “It’s always so trivial!” That’s OK – it is a place to
start. Build the bridge from the trivial to the crucial with something light, something easy,
something unimportant.
Maybe things are so bad that you never talk at all. Build a bridge. Start a conversation.
Maybe you’re upset because you’re always the one that has to start things. Do it again, and
build that bridge until the walls fall down and you can talk about that very thing.
Listen, if you will begin by building that bridge, no matter how trivial, the walls will begin
to come down.
So, principle #1 is… Initiate the conversation
Principle #2 – Don’t get upset when you’re misunderstood – “Scintillate, scintillate,
globule vivific, Fain would I fathom thy nature specific. Loftily poised in the ether
capacious, Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.”
Did you understand that famous poetic verse? Probably not!
Here, let me say it again in a language you will understand… “Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are, Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky.”
Probably the most asked question in our home is, “Do you understand?
Maybe you feel like whenever you say something important it falls on your spouse like
that first verse. For all he/she got, you might have well as been speaking Greek!
Sometimes we have trouble crossing the “love language barrier”. It’s a border crossing just
as real as the Rio Grande!
You speak, but he doesn’t get it. You speak, but she doesn’t get it. And the next thing you
know, the mercury is rising in your head! I know that it’s frustrating for you when you’re
trying to communicate, and the other person isn’t getting it.
Just imagine how Jesus could have felt and how he could have reacted to the following
situation in verses 9-15…
“Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, “How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest
drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the
Samaritans.”
Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith
to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee
living water. The woman saith unto him, Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the well
is deep: from whence then hast thou that living water?
Art thou greater than our father Jacob, which gave us the well, and drank thereof himself,
and his children, and his cattle? Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of
this water shall thirst again: But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall
never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up
into everlasting life. The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not,
neither come hither to draw.
Now just suppose that this is how it could have happened….
Jesus is trying to communicate a spiritual truth to her, but he’s only getting a blank.
“I have living water.” He says to her.
Oh yeah, where’s your bucket then?” She replies.
“No”, He says, “You don’t understand, I mean that I have a different kind of water, a
spiritual water, that will give you everlasting life.”
“Oh, I get it!” She says with a grin.
“Great!” He thinks, “We’re finally getting somewhere.”
But then she says, “Well, give me some of that water won’t need to come to this well
anymore.”
“Agh” he thinks as he shakes His head… “She doesn’t get it. What’s the use?” “I give
up!”
Boy, I’m glad that’s not what really happened, because the rest of the story has given me
hope, just like millions of others through the centuries. I’m so glad that Jesus didn’t get
frustrated or angry when He was misunderstood. He just pressed on with calm
determination to reach this woman’s soul.
And we need to do the same. When we’re trying to get to the soul of our spouse through
communication, and we’re being misunderstood, we need to step back, take a deep breath,
and calmly try again.
Don’t assume he or she can’t get it. Give ‘em the benefit of the doubt. So, maybe they are
like that a lot. I like what Andy Day said up at the retreat… His mentor pastor told him,
when in doubt, always err on the side of mercy.
That’s good advice.
So, principle #2 – Don’t get upset when you’re misunderstood

Principle #3 – Don’t Criticize Him/Her for something He/She Cannot Change – This is
especially true for things that happened in the past. Notice verses 16-18…
“Jesus saith unto her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither. The woman answered and
said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband: For
thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst
thou truly.”

Boy, I can already hear the wheels turning in someone’s mind… “See” they think, “If
Jesus brought up the past it must be OK for me to do it too!”
Well, first, you are not Jesus. Second, He did not bring it up for malignant purposes. And
more often than not, this is exactly our motivation. In the heat of an argument, it is like a
reserve weapon. If the fight’s not going our way, we reach for the big guns… “It’s just like
that time…” Or, “You never change, it’s just like when…” Or, “Here you go again, just
like that time…”
Bringing up the past to hurt the other person is not what Jesus was doing. There is no hint
of criticism in his words. He isn’t using it to belittle her. If he was, she would have sensed
it, and that would have been the end of that!
Nothing destroys a bridge and uses the rubble to build a wall like criticizing someone for
something that he or she cannot change, like the past, or some human fault.
If we really love our spouse, we will refuse to use those things that can’t be changed
against them.
Principle #4 – Communicate Frankly and Honestly – In his book, To Understand Each
Other, Paul Tournier writes that the single most frequent fault he sees while counseling
marriages is a lack of complete frankness.”

What does it mean to be ‘frank’? According to Webster, frank conversation is “…marked

by free, forthright, and sincere expression.” (c)2000 Zane Publishing, Inc. and Merriam-Webster, Incorporated. All rights
reserved)

In other words, marital communication suffers when two people are not mutually, loyally,
and totally open with each other. Tournier asks, “How can understand each other if we
have begun to hold back”?
In the movie Unbreakable, starring Bruce Willis, Willis and his wife are having marital
difficulty. It’s gotten so bad that he is about to move away, when a freak accident leaving
him as the only survivor causes his wife to rethink things. Through it, she offers another
chance. She offers him a fresh start – to go on a date and start again.
On the date, they agree to be mutually frank. So, she asks him, “Do you purposely keep
me and (His son, name?) at a distance. He thinks. He has a distant look. Then he says,
“Yes” When she asks why, he sort of shake his head and replies, “I don’t know”.
Why do we hold back? Why do we withdraw? Why do we resist being open, honest, and
forthright with each other, when the exact opposite is what will bring us closer together.
Maybe it’s because we’ve been hurt. Maybe it’s apathy. Maybe it’s fear of criticism.
Maybe it’s a fear of receiving advice.
Let’s notice how Jesus interacts with the Samarian woman… Look at verses 19-26…
“The woman saith unto him, Sir, I perceive that thou art a prophet. Our fathers
worshipped in this mountain; and ye say, that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought
to worship.
Jesus saith unto her, Woman, believe me, the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in this
mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father. Ye worship ye know not what: we
know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews. But the hour cometh, and now is,
when the true worshippers shall worship the Father In spirit and in truth: for the Father
seeketh such to worship him. God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him
in spirit and in truth.
The woman saith unto him, I know that Messias cometh, which is called Christ: when he is
come, he will tell us all things. Jesus saith unto her, I that speak unto thee am he.
There’s a couple of things happening here. First, after Jesus spoke of her five husbands,
she seems to get just a bit nervous, uptight. She goes on the defence. “Oh, you’re a
prophet!” “Well, our fathers worshipped here, and you Jews say that we should only
worship in Jerusalem.”
Now, she has no trouble understanding Jesus is talking about spiritual plane; and she
tightens up. But Jesus isn’t flustered. He wants to go deeper. He needs to reach her heart.
So He frankly answers her question. And when He does, she tries to dismiss Him
altogether. She says, “You don’t have to tell me… I know that the Messiah is coming, and
when He does HE will tell us all things.”
It’s like she’s saying, “So, you think you’re the authority. Well, when the Messiah comes
he’ll tell us.”
It’s like she’s saying to Jesus, “You’re not the authority on this matter, the Messiah is, so
I’ll wait to hear Him.”
She builds a wall to hide behind. But Jesus won’t let her go so easily. Any other man
would’ve been tempted to say, “Now see here, woman, don’t talk to me like that!”
But Jesus, in His great love, opens Himself even further… He reveals Himself for who He
truly is. “I that speak unto thee am he.”
How many times have you tried to say something, only to be rebuffed? Have you
expressed a truth to your spouse, only to be shot down? Have you been hurt by his or her
refusal to open up - to give and receive – heart communication?
Look to Jesus. He didn’t give up. And neither should you. Try again, and be frank – open
up. Be honest. Share your feelings. And yet, remember this next principle…
Principle #5 – Be Constructive in Your Criticism – It is a wise person who remembers that
bridges are built through good, solid construction. And no one ever built a good bridge in a
relationship by tearing the other person down.
When Jesus corrected the woman about her religious misconceptions, He didn’t laugh,
mock, or use condescending tones with an air of superiority. He simply stated the facts.
Is it OK to correct someone who is wrong? Yes, especially if the error endangers someone
else. But it is never OK to correct in a critical, judgmental manner. We need to remember
the biblical maxim in Ephesians 4:29… “…speak…the truth in love…”
So how do we lovingly criticize someone? Here’s a few tips…
1. Begin with thinking about what you’re going to say and the tone of voice you’ll use.
Think it over before you say it.
2. Don’t be impulsive or reactive.
3. Avoid the “You” questions or statements. - You always… You never…
4. And avoid the “Why” questions, which are even more critical. “Why can’t you be
like…?” or “Why do you always…”
Put these ideas to work in your communication and you can freely correct without
backlash.

Principle #6 – Listen, Listen, Listen - Well-known Broadway producer Jed Harris once
became convinced he was losing his hearing. He visited a specialist, who pulled out a gold
watch and asked "Can you hear this ticking?" "Of course," Harris replied. The specialist
walked to the door and asked the question again. Harris concentrated and said, "Yes, I can
hear it clearly." Then the doctor walked into the next room and repeated the question a
third time. A third time Harris said he could hear the ticking. "Mr. Harris," the doctor
concluded, "there is nothing wrong with your hearing. You just don't listen." - Today in the Word,
June 9, 1992.

Why do we struggle with listening to each other?

Maybe we’re not interested or too busy with something else. That’s a shame. Or maybe it’s
because we’re so busy making a point that we care what the other person says. That’s too
common.
Margaret Millar says, “Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the
presence of a witness.”
One of the remarkable things about the dialogue between Jesus and the woman at the well
is that everything SHE says is important to Jesus. Did you get that? Sure, we know what
Jesus has to say is important. But Jesus leaves no doubt that her thoughts are equally
valuable, even if theologically incorrect. He didn’t interrupt or cut her short. He didn’t
dismiss her words as meaningless.
Quite the opposite… He really listened to her. So amazing was this, that verse 27 says,
“And upon this came His disciples, and marveled that he talked with the woman: yet no
man said, “What seekest thou?”, or “Why talkest thou with her?”
There is a word used in the text that is the secret to every good conversation… Notice..
“He talked with the woman…” Not at her, to her, around her, over her, but with her. It was
a dialogue – a two way conversation. Something that is, unfortunately, foreign to some of
you here.
If you are guilty of dismissing, talking over, interrupting, or otherwise not listening, you
need to change now.
CONCLUSION
Six principles to better communication. We can sum them up with TLC (Talk+ Listen=
Communication)
How important is it that you take these six lessons home with you today? Very; because
poor communication is at best annoying, and at worst, disastrous, as the following true
story illustrates.
Prudence Leith, Caterer and Restauranteur, tells this story in the book, Pardon Me, But
You're Eating My Doily. He writes, my favorite catering disaster is the true story of the
couple who went to the Far East on holiday. They wanted, besides their own supper,
something to give their poodle. Pointing to the dog, they made international eating signs.
The waiter understood, picked up the poodle, and set off for the kitchen--only to return
half an hour later with the roasted poodle on a platter. - Prudence Leith, Pardon Me, But You're Eating My Doily.