Choosing to Love By Amanda Stephan Author of the Christian novels ~ The Price of Trust Lonely Hearts

Choosing to Love ~ by Amanda Stephan Chapter 1 Deirdre glanced with approval around the musty bedroom that had once belonged to her late husband. Thankful that shed managed to get one room in the ancient house cleaned, she rubbed her grimy hands--laden with ten years worth of dust--down her leg. One down, eight more to go, she muttered to herself. A small girl with a halo of red curls bounded into the room and jumped onto the creaky brass bed, thrilled when the mattress promptly pushed her back into the air. What mommy? Nothing. Just talking to myself, sweetie. After petting down her daughters tenaciously stubborn hair, she clamped her hands onto her hips and surveyed the now sparkling room with a determined look on her pretty face. It may be old, but when Im done, its going to be beautiful again. Alarmed at her mothers one-sided conversation, Kennas blue eyes grew wide and she pulled her lips together in an unhappy frown. I thought you said only crazy people talked to themselves. So worried about her mothers sanity was she, that she resisted the urge to bounce on the buoyant bed again. Deirdre whirled around with her fingers poised above her head, her eyes wide and wild and a wicked grin on her face. Well maybe I am crazy, so you better run! Quick as a flick, Kennas worried face creased into a huge smile and she jumped to the ground and ran from her mothers tickling digits. Screaming with glee when Deirdre finally caught her in what was to be her play room, they romped around for a few minutes with delighted giggles until Kenna remembered her mother still hadnt denied being crazy. With one fist on her hip and a pout to her lip, she put out a warning hand just as Deirdre was about to grab her for another tickle round. Stop, please. Confused, Deirdre kneeled on the dusty floor and waited for her daughter to continue. Youre not crazy. Cleverly disguising a giggle as a snort, Deirdre grabbed the young girl to her and pulled her onto her lap in a bear hug. Im crazy about you, darlin! she growled into her ear and tickled her one last time before relaxing her grip and settling down for a cuddle. With a contented sigh, Kenna leaned her head against Deirdres chest and gathered a handful of her mothers shirt in her hand. Out of habit, she brought it to her nose and stuck her petite thumb into her mouth as though it were a delicious lollipop. Her blissful happiness made Deirdres heart swell with the sweetness of the moment. Her mind flew to a few years in the future when her daughter wouldnt need her so much as now, and instantaneous tears jumped into her green eyes as she regretted the moment in the near future when she would have to break Kennas thumb-sucking. But not now, she thought silently. Now isnt the time. For a few more precious minutes, Deirdre rocked her back and forth in the waning afternoon light and thanked God that He had saw fit to give her such a glorious reminder of when her life had been perfect. Content to be together, they sat for a little while until Deirdre noticed the light had dwindled nearly to dusk. She kissed the top of Kennas head and managed to stand, swaying ever so slightly after having sat in one position for so long. With her thumb still stuck in her mouth, she led her into the kitchen and swung open the large pantry door to examine its contents. What do you want for dinner? We have she pulled out a jar of chunky peanut butter and held it tantalizingly out to the girl, ta da! Your favorite. Peanut butter! The scowl and downward turn to the corners of her mouth told her she was less than thrilled. But we had peanut butter and jelly for lunch, she said around her thumb. As if shed anticipated Kennas reaction, she nodded her head and gave her a knowing look. Yes, but tonight, were going to have a peanut butter adventure. Instead of peanut butter and jelly, how about we have toasted peanut butter and onion! Spurred to action, Kenna tore her thumb out of her mouth so she could intensify her frown and lessen the chance of mistake. Eew, gross! I dont want that. I want to go have fish and chips. As much as Deirdre hated to admit her plan failed, and as much as she herself enjoyed a peanut butter and onion sandwich, fish did sound pretty good. She arched her eyebrow and tried to look stern, but Kenna saw a twinkle that sent her giggling to the utility room to get her shoes on. After letting the small girl try to do it herself, Deirdre set her on the kitchen counter to fix them. Well, you better let me help you because you wont be able to get there with your feet in the wrong shoe. Youll walk around in circles! They laughed at their old joke, and began to walk down the darkening street hand in hand toward the brightly lit inn.

A matronly woman accosted them as soon as they entered, her boisterous voice raised more than enough over the noisy din as she set dishes down on one of the candle-lit tables in the center of the crowded room. Hello there! Find yourself a seat and Ill be with you in just a wee minute. With a firm grip, a false smile, and a quick step, she guided Kenna toward the back of the room away from some of the more determined gawkers. Hows this booth? Silently, Kenna nodded and plopped down with her back to the wall and proceeded to stare at anyone and everyone with rapt attention. The jolly, auburn-haired waitress that had first called out to them appeared at the edge of their table, a pen ready to stab their order onto an innocent notepad. Deirdres hopes of a somewhat quiet tete-a-tete were instantly dashed as the waitress seemed to be able to speak in only one volume; extra loud. Can I get you something to drink? she asked between snaps of her gum. They were now the focus of nearly everyone in the diningroom, and it became necessary to use the menu as a sort of shield to not only block peoples view, but to hide her red face. Just water for us, if you dont mind. She sank lower on the vinyl bench and blanched at the rumbling squelch that sounded more like something she would have gotten a spanking for as a child than what it actually was. There was no mistaking the laughter in the waitresss eyes, and Deirdre made a mental note never to return. Sure thing, she winked and turned to Kenna. Pursing her lips and squinting her fleshy eyes, she purred, Hello sweetie! Are you new around here? Loving attention, Kenna beamed and sat straighter in her seat. Yes maam. Maam? Why aint you just a polite little thing! the waitress laughed merrily, her large stomach jiggling. Youve got a sweetie, miss! Thank you. Her face burning with mortification at the womans volume as well as her earlier faux pas, Deirdre gave a hasty glance around the room and was startled to find a pair of laughing blue eyes fixed upon her. Normally, she would have scowled at the offender as she hated being stared at, but the high cheekbones and sexy lips of the eyes owner compelled her to look just a little longer. No frown made it to her visage. Tall and athletic, she thought perhaps he was a lawyer by the cut of his expensive double-breasted suit, his white shirt setting off his tan just right. After deciding his five oclock shadow rather added to his handsome features instead of detracting, it was necessary to remind herself to take a breath when her lungs complained of their lack of oxygen. He wasnt the type of man that one could easily ignore. Even sitting amongst handsome friends, he was the lucky male that drew the admiring look of more than one lovely female in the establishment. But he wasnt interested in themhe was staring ather. The appreciative wink he sent her was the catalyst she needed to turn her mortified attention to more important matters--the still chattering duo at her table. Resisting the urge to shuffle lower into her seat, she turned to her menu and hoped the waitress would go away. Unfortunately, Rosey the waitress was of the sociable sort, and was bound and determined to inflict further embarrassment upon her. Where are you from? Before Deirdre could lovingly kick her daughters shin, she piped, Tennessee! I should have known by your accent. Its not very often that we get Southerners this far north. Are you just visiting? Deirdre suddenly wondered just how long of a prison sentence she would have to serve if she helped Rosey eat their menus. Nope, we just moved, Kenna said, happily pounding the vinyl seat with her heels. It was absolutely necessary to stop her daughter before she blabbed their whole state of affairs to everyone in the room. Clearing her throat and smiling too brightly, she handed the menu--and potential murder weapon--back to Rosey. Yes, we just moved here. Well both have fish and chips, if you dont mind. If there was any effect beside that of her taking the menu, it was minimal at best. In fact, Deirdre imagined that she planted her feet more securely and looked even more determined. Sure thing, dearie. Was that a challenging look? Deirdre wondered as Rosey turned her attention to the more communicative of the newcomers. Where are you staying? At that precise moment, her knight in shining armor appeared in the form of a large, burly man behind the counter. He cast an irritated grimace in the direction of her table and barked, Rosey, leave em be! Orders are awaitin' on ye! As if to dash Deirdres hopes of peace and quiet, her eyes rolled around in their sockets and she waved a hand in his direction. Oh pooh! Ill be there in a minute, was the nonplussed reply. There was no escaping this tenaciously nosy woman. She sighed with resignation. Were living in the old Murdock place down the street, hoping her look was more pleading than murderous, she added, were really thirsty. May we please have our drinks?

That old place? Nobodys been there for ten years at least! Are you renting it? No. Sweeping a pleading look around the room, she ignored the handsome man in the suit and looked away before he could wink again. Kenna, who was usually bright and observant and could tell when her mother was upset about something, suddenly decided to continue the conversation and pay no attention to the unhappy frown on her mothers face. It used to be my grandmommys and my daddys house. Roseys ridiculously penciled eyebrows shot up instantly and her eyes gleamed with unveiled curiosity. It was evident she loved gossip, and at the moment, Kenna was more than happy to oblige her. Your daddy's house? Yes, but hes in Heaven now. Deirdre grimaced and twisted her napkin into a thick white wad. The insistent heat of embarrassment made her wonder briefly if her face was still red or had turned purple. If there had been any chance of someone not noticing them, it was impossible now as the entire dining room fell silent at Kennas revelation. She shot a quick glance toward Mr. Blue Eyes, and was horrified to see that he had indeed heard what was said. His smile seemed somewhat ravenous rather than friendly and Deirdre felt her face heat up a few more notches. Kenna, thats enough! Please. Her eyes begged the waitress to go away. Can we have our drinks? Either suddenly coming to her senses, or remembering that she was supposed to be doing her job, she smiled and nodded her head as though that had always been her intention. Of course. Ill be right back. Whats wrong mommy? Kenna asked innocently after she was gone. Why did you fuss at me? I just dont want everyone to know where we live or everything about us in the first half-hour were here. She kept her treacherous eyes focused on her daughter and refused to grant them permission for another glance toward the disconcerting man. At her tone, immediate tears formed in Kennas large eyes, and her bottom lip quivered with remorse and sorrow. Im sorry. A large tear rolled down her cheek, while others threatened to follow their leader. Its all right kiddo. Deirdre felt horrible and reached for her small hand. Mommys just a little careful about private things, thats all. Dont cry. Why dont you come sit on my side? With a little effort and no embarrassing squelching sounds, Kenna climbed in next to her and squeezed as close she could possibly get without actually being in her lap. They talked about silly little things that would interest an almost five year old, and Deirdre diligently ignored the other patrons. Relentless in her quest of snubbing everyone in the establishment, she failed to notice that Mr. Blue Eyes and a few of his friends were approaching her table until it was too late. Excuse me, a deep voice at her side interrupted politely, startling her so much she nearly spilled her drink. Did I hear you say you were staying at the old Murdock place? For a brief, panic-stricken moment, she was unable to answer as her lungs had decided to take that precise moment to stop their normal activities. At one point in her life in the not too distant past, she had considered herself to be rather intelligent, even priding herself on being able to contribute to intellectual conversation. Now she was beginning to wonder if intelligence would ever return as she watched his long fingers twirl the liquid in his glass. As he spoke to her, his azure eyes danced with suppressed merriment and mischief and she had to clear her throat several times before attempting to speak lest her voice came out sounding like a frog. Or a mouse. So she did the only thing she could under such dire circumstances. She stared. If she had thought he was nice looking when theyd first came into the inn, shed been mistaken. He was better than good-looking. His dark wavy hair ended just above the starched collar of his expensive shirt, and she watched as his full lips turned up in a playful smile when he noticed her inability to speak. When she took a deep breath, his woodsy, slightly spicy cologne wafted into her senses, making her suddenly determine that the person whod invented mens cologne should be given some sort of award and a raise. She shook her head and cleared her throat a second time. The mouse came out, and she was giddily happy it hadnt been the frog. Yes. This isnt right, her mind screamed at her in a panic. Hes way out of your league. Why is he talking to you? Why dont you tell him to leave? Nervously, she glanced around and caught the eye of a handsome, serene-looking man sitting off by himself, paying close attention to what was going on at her table. Mr. Blue Eyes stepped into her line of vision just as she saw the gentleman take out a cell phone. Id like to introduce myself to you. With a practiced flick of his wrist, he handed her an expensive-looking business card with gilded edges. My name is Kyle Slade, and if theres anything I can do for you, just give me a call and Ill be glad to help. More out of politeness more than curiosity, she took the card and placed it on the table where Kenna immediately picked it up. Thank you. She cleared her throat a third time, annoyed at the squeak that emitted from her lips. If nervousness could be measured on a scale of one to ten, she reasoned, this is an eleven. And, if youre not busy tomorrow Id be happy to show you around, he said with a gleam in his eye that

reminded her of some of those nature shows shed watched right before the predator got its prey. Make that twelve. She ignored the swarm of butterflies that were waylaying her stomach and managed a polite, Thank you for the offer, but Im busy tomorrow, and blushed hotly as his friends snickered and elbowed each other in the ribs as if they were still in high school. The smell of alcohol stung her nose for a moment before fading away like a phantom wisp, and she grimaced with disgust. Without an invitation, he slid into the booth across from her and gave her a lazy smile. I couldnt help but overhear about your husband, and Im sorry. It must have been hard to move so far away all alone. But really, he interrupted himself and downed the rest of his drink. Why dont you let me show you around. Before her nervousness could overwhelm her and throw her into a frantic fit and make her say something idiotic, the suave, well-dressed gentleman that had caught her attention earlier interrupted them. Your father is on the phone. Moving almost as deftly as Kyle had been with the business card, the cell phone was in the younger mans hand and he gave her a wink. Kyle, finding himself in possession of a cell phone and no excuses to offer to the person on the line, he gave her an apologetic smile, a quick frown at her rescuer, and left the inn with his friends in tow. Thank you, Deirdre breathed, relieved they were gone. I appreciate it. When he smiled, she noticed he had very straight white teeth that set off his tanned features remarkably well. Almost instantly, she relaxed and let his smooth, melodic baritone soothe her frazzled nerves. He means well, but he shrugged, at a loss for just the right words, you know how boys are. Im Alec Carter, at your service. He extended his hand and took hers in a firm clasp. Returning the smile, she noticed that he was very handsome in an upper-class sort of way. Definitely older, she mused silently as she studied him. He was about the same height as Kyle, and while his build wasnt as commanding and athletic, his easy grace and manner appealed to her. Out of habit, he swept a quick hand through his sandy hair as she pointed to the seat Kyle had just vacated, inviting him to sit. A stubborn lock refused to be obedient, and resumed its natural position in the middle of his forehead, shadowing his mysterious hazel eyes. She noticed his nose was straight and perfect instead of the bulbous sort she was used to seeing in her old, country town. You know them? Yes, I work for Kyles father, he answered, grimacing as he sat down across from her. What exactly do you do? Actually, my job title is Assistant to the Governor, but Im more like a glorified baby-sitter to keep Kyle out of trouble. I make phone calls and let the Governor know what his son is up to if need be, among other things, of course. She held up her water glass and tipped it toward him, Kenna following suit. Well, its nice to meet you Mr. Kyle-sitter. He made me really nervous. She shook her head, remembering the gorgeous blue eyes of the seats last occupant. I can understand that. He has that effect on people and hes pretty used to getting his own way. But, he smiled at her, his eyes narrowed with interest. I must say that youre the first woman tell him no. He paused and she had the distinct feeling he was weighing her answers on some sort of invisible scale. Its import, she didnt know. Most of the time, its the women that are asking him out on a date, not the other way around. Well, it takes more than killer good looks to entice me to date someone, she tried to keep the flush from creeping up her neck as she studied the man across from her. You thought he was good-looking, then. He leaned back in the seat, his expression blank and she wondered if shed given the wrong answer. The statement coupled with his very direct stare sent warmth spreading over her features. Yes, she sighed after an embarrassed pause and a very slight struggle between truth and lying. She chose truth. Hes definitely good-looking. Id have to be blind not to notice, but thats one of the things that made me so nervous. Her answer intrigued him, and he made her explain. Why? She frowned and shrugged her shoulders, hating the turn in the conversation. We just wouldnt look right together. His confused expression urged her to go on. Hes so handsome and Im just me. Wed look odd. Is that false modesty? An amused expression covered his well-defined face and she suddenly noticed he had lines at the corners of his eyes as though he laughed often. No, just honesty. She broke the gaze first and concentrated on the now much cooled food Rosey had placed in front of her a little while ago. Kenna was almost finished with her meal and was currently pushing a French fry through a glob of ketchup, parting it like the red sea. She picked up her fork and began to eat without tasting. I think you may need to buy new mirrors and hang them up in that old place then, because youre very nice-looking yourself. In fact, he said quietly, leaning closer to her so others wouldnt hear. I think youre the type

Kyle would be extremely interested in. Strawberry blond hair, creamy complexion any model would kill for, flashing green eyes the color of jade, and we cant forget the voluptuous lips, now can we? All right, she groaned, putting her head down and her palm up to silence him. She still hadnt become accustomed to flirting or men hitting on her after her husbands death. It still felt like she was cheating and it made her uncomfortable. Enough. I dont want to hear anymore. Anyway, he might or might not be interested in me, but Im not interested in him. Even with his good looks. Alec crossed his arms in front of his chest, one eyebrow raised in disbelief. What about his money? Her furrowed eyebrows let him know she was an independent woman that wasnt swayed by such paltry things like wealth. Nope. Not interested in money either. Really. I guess thats another thing that Ill have to write down on my calendar. Ive never met a woman before who wasnt interested in Kyle, or his money. I definitely have to remember this. Mommy, Im tired, Kennas large yawn broke into their conversation. Can we go home? In answer, Deirdre pushed the rest of her food into her mouth and lay her fork on her plate. Sure baby. Lets go. Rifling through her purse, she lay enough money on the table to pay for their food as well as a tip, even if it wasnt deserved. Ill walk you home. Alec followed them to the door and held it open for them. His chivalrous smile made her stomach do an unfamiliar flip as she stepped past him into the cool night air. Well be fine. Its just down the road. Out of habit, she pulled Kenna up onto her hip and watched the creamy glow of the street lamp cast shadows on Alecs face. She pushed thoughts of dating and what would be expected from her out of her mind as he lightly placed his hand under her elbow and propelled them forward. Again he gave her his unnerving smile. Its my pleasure. Besides, he glanced up toward the sky as a bolt of lightning flashed off in the distance. It would make me feel better. The frown that had refused to make an appearance earlier now found its way to her otherwise clear forehead. Why would it make you feel better? Because of Kyle? She sensed he was chuckling before any sound emitted. When it did break forth, she was again surprised at how white and straight his teeth were. Kyle? No. Would you believe me if I told you I was afraid of lightening? No? He glanced at her and she suddenly realized just how much she liked the laugh lines around his eyes. Lets just say I needed some exercise this evening, and I wanted to walk you home. Would you like me to carry her? He asked, pointing to a sleeping Kenna. She slid Kennas dead weight up on her hip, determined not to accept his help. No, I think Ive got her, but thanks anyway. I cant believe you live in this old place, he said with a curious glance around the antiquated house when she let them in the back gate a few moments later. And your husband is in Heaven, according to Kenna. A warning signal briefly shot through her mind before she herded it away and concentrated on fishing through her pocket for her house key while still holding Kenna. She gave him a triumphant smile and held it up in the air. Yes. Here, let me, he took the key from her and opened the door. Thank you, she said. Standing on the doorstep, she was unaware that the moonlight played across her face, giving her an almost ethereal beauty. He stared at her and she had the distinct feeling that he wanted to reach out and touch her face, an action that she wasnt sure how she should react to, when a slow moving car drove past and broke the moment. Ill wait for you to turn on a lamp. He cleared his throat and stepped back. We dont have any electricity yet, she apologized. Ive got to light a candle. Without waiting for permission, he lifted Kenna out of her arms. Here, let me take her while you light one. Suddenly free, she fumbled around in the black kitchen for a moment. After a few bumps and scrapes that sounded suspiciously like shed just kicked her toe, he heard her mutter, Finally! and a lighted candle broke through the gloom of the darkness. I can lay her down if you'll tell me where. Without relinquishing the girl, he moved as though he would place her wherever Deirdre asked. The unbidden thought that she really didnt know this man crossed her mind, and her brows furrowed as she considered briefly just how vulnerable they were. Seeing her hesitation and reading her frown, he said smoothly, or I can just give her to you. Embarrassed that her thoughts had been so transparent, she led him down the hall and pointed to the room they shared, the flickering candlelight disfiguring them on the walls. No, its all right. We stay in here, she pushed open their door and let him pass. Gingerly, Alec lay the sleeping child down and stepped away so her mother could take her shoes off and pull the quilt up around her.

Thank you again, she repeated as she led him back to the door. Unwelcome thoughts of kisses on doorsteps clouded her mind, and she determined to bean him with the candle if it became absolutely necessary. And thank you for walking us home. With a chivalrous smile--and noticing her set jaw--he took her hand and gave it a brisk shake. Youre most welcome. It was my pleasure. He stopped, watching as another car drove slowly by. I dont mean to be forward, but Im assuming that you dont have a phone as well as electric, correct? He held onto her hand a moment longer than necessary. No, the phone wont be hooked up for at least a week, why? Do you have a cell phone? Although she wasnt ready for kisses on doorsteps yet, she was rather pleased to think he wanted her number and her stomach did a weird sort of dance that she could only describe as voodoo. Or the flu. Yes. Why? Good, he handed a business card to her. This is my cell number, he pointed to a number on the bottom left corner, and this is my office number. You can always get a hold of me with either of these numbers. Please, call me anytime, night or day if you need anything. Or even if you just want to talk, he smiled, then grew serious as another car drove past. But seriously, do me a favor and dont open this door to anyone tonight. I dont think hell do anything, but Kyle doesnt like to be told no. Have a safe night, he said, giving her a slight bow before he turned and quickly walked away. Confused and more than a little alarmed, she watched him for a moment longer, then closed and bolted the door as yet another car drove past.

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The Price of Trust

Beaten and betrayed by the one who was supposed to love her...

Carly Richards is on the run.

Forced to live as a fugitive as her ex-fiance stalks her across country, she finds refuge in a small town in Montana. Her emotional scars are reluctant to heal, and Carly resists the friendliness of those around her ~ especially handsome farmer Joe Baird. Caught in the circumstances, the kind people around her begin to creep into her softening heart. God is at work, and she has to trust Him not only to take care of her, but care for the people she is learning to love. Order The Price of Trust for only $15 @ www.booksbyamanda.com