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Dating in Islam - Question & Answer

Yasmin Mogahed
Reprinted Irom SuhaibWebb.com

Question: Is dating allowed in Islam so that I can get to know someone for
marriage? It`s hard to get married and dating is normal in our society.
Arranged marriages aren`t realistic for us nowadays.

Answer:
As-salamu `alaykum brother, Thank you Ior the honest question you asked regarding dating.
There are a number oI issues that you brought up. First, you have pointed out that you live in
a society where dating is the norm. While I understand and sympathize with that struggle, it
is important to make clear that just because something is the norm in one`s society, does not
justiIy participating in it. In the society that the Prophet (sal-Allahu alayhi wa-sallam) lived,
burying little girls alive was the norm. OI course, the principles oI Islam prohibited such
barbarism regardless oI what was widespread at the time.

In Iact, the Prophet (sws) has told us that those who Iollow the right path will always be
diIIerent` or strange` to the mainstream. In one beautiIul hadith, the Prophet (sws) says:
~Islam began as something strange, and will revert to being strange as it began. So give
glad tidings to the strangers. Then the people asked, 'Who are they (the strangers), O
Messenger oI Allah? He answered, ~Those who are pious and righteous when the
people have become evil. (Ahmad)
Secondly, you state the concern oI getting to know someone Ior marriage. You explain that
dating is needed since arranged marriages are not Ieasible. However, by saying this you
imply that these are the only two routes to getting married. What you are Iorgetting is that
there is a third option: the option taught to us by our beloved Prophet (sws).

Let us examine each oI the three options Ior meeting a marriage partner:

1) Dating
One option is dating. This option is prohibited Ior a number oI reasons. First, the Prophet
(sws) has taught us that it is haram Ior a non-mahram (unrelated) man and a woman to be
alone together. This is called ,. He warns that iI this happens, Shaytan (satan) will be
present with them. The Prophet (sws) said: ~Whenever a man is alone with a woman the
Devil makes a third. (Sahih Bukhari) Now it is important to note that Allah never
prohibits something unless it is harmIul to us. Let us examine Ior a moment the harm in this.
First, most reports oI sexual abuse are not committed by strangers. In Iact, according to the
U.S. Department oI Justice, 68 oI young girls raped knew their rapist either as a boyIriend,
Iriend or casual acquaintance, and 60 oI rapes oI young women occur in their own home
or a Iriend or relative`s home not in a dark alley. So, overwhelmingly, it is those people
who you are out on a date` with that commit these crimes. Also, as dating has become more
widespread in a society, so has unwanted pregnancy, as well as sexually transmitted
diseases. By prohibiting khilwa, Allah, in His inIinite wisdom, is protecting us.
Also, as you know even consensual extra-marital intercourse (zina) is a grave sin in Islam.
But Allah did not just tell us not to commit zina. He says in the Qur`an: ~Do not come close
to zina for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).
(Qur`an, 17:32). One does not leave their inIant to play on a highway, but hope they will not
get hit by a car. One important Islamic principle is: prevention beIore cure. You do not come
close to Iire, and then wonder why you got burned. ThereIore, Allah has prohibited anything
that may lead to zina, namely khilwa (being in seclusion). Now iI just being in seclusion is
prohibited, what can be said about physical contact and the whole institution oI dating?
In support oI dating, some argue that it is needed in order to Iind a spouse. The irony in this
is that dating does not increase marital success. In Iact, the United States is a culture where
dating is the norm. However, 50 oI Iirst marriages, 67 oI second and 74 oI third
marriages end in divorce, according to JenniIer Baker oI the Forest Institute oI ProIessional
Psychology. And according to a study by the National Bureau oI Economic Research,
couples who lived together beIore marrying have nearly an 80 percent higher divorce rate
than those who did not. So iI dating is putting you at a higher risk oI sexual abuse, sexually
transmitted disease, and unwanted pregnancy, and it makes you no more likely to Iind a
successIul marriage partner but in Iact less likely what logical person would chose this
option, even iI it were not prohibited by Islam?

) Arranged Marriage
There is also the option oI completely arranged marriages. While it is Iine Ior parents or
mutual Iriends to introduce two prospective partners, the Prophet (sws) has told us not to go
into a marriage blindly. Once a man came to the Prophet (sws) and told him that he was
going to get married. The Prophet (sws) asked iI he had seen the woman. When the man said
no, he said: ~Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of
you. (Ahmad)

3) Islamic Courting
Islam provides the balanced solution to courting, which protects the individual and the
society, but does not have people enter marriage blindly. II there is a woman you are
considering Ior marriage, you should approach her 2,7,2 (male relative). From there,
many avenues exist to get to know her better, without having to be in seclusion or engaging
in physical contact. Talking to someone over the phone, through email or the internet, or in
the company oI a mahram, gives you a chance to Iind out more about them, without crossing
the boundaries set by Allah in His inIinite wisdom. The Prophet Muhammad (sws) said,
~Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him not have a private audience with
a woman without her mahram. (Ahmad)

This is the way designed by our Creator, who made everything in the universe, who knows
what is hidden and what is open, who knows the Iuture and the past, who knows us, better
than we could ever know about ourselves. How could we ever think that a better system
could exist than the one prescribed by our Maker and the master oI the universe?
Wallahu `alam.
I pray that what I`ve said has been beneIicial to you. Anything I said that was right, it is
Irom Allah. Anything wrong, is Irom myselI.

The End
That`s the end oI Yasmin`s piece. I`d like to add a Iew comments oI my own. Sister
Yasmin`s article is inIormative and oI course correct in all it`s statements oI Iact, but doesn`t
really oIIer practical alternatives Ior men and women getting to know each other. Yasmin
says, 'II there is a woman you are considering Ior marriage, you should approach her
mahram. From there, many avenues exist to get to know her better, without having to be in
seclusion or engaging in physical contact. OI course this is true, but how do you get to that
point oI choosing someone that you might be interested in Ior marriage? Just by seeing
someone at work, school or a conIerence? That Ieels like taking an important step based on
insuIIicient inIormation.
I have three suggestions that would allow singles to meet in an Islamic manner, to get to
know each other Ior marriage:
1. Internet matrimonial services. OI course we have online matrimonial services now
like Zawaj.com! That`s a good place to start, and does not require breaking any Islamic
rules. Young people can read one another`s proIiles, exchange a Iew anonymous messages
through the matrimonial service`s messaging system, then iI they Iind each other interesting
they can take it oIIline and contact each other`s Iamilies.

. Marriage events. I`m talking about organized marriage events where men and women
can meet in a structured and supervised environment. This should be a more widely
considered option. There are some organizations doing this already, but they tend to be held
only occasionally in larger cities. Smaller cities rarely see such marriage events. I think local
mosques should take the lead in organizing marriage events Ior the singles in their
communities.
And every major Islamic conIerence should include such an event.

3. Imams as matchmakers. Maybe the Imam oI each community (and his wiIe) should take
it as one oI the oIIice`s Iunctions to maintain a database oI single brothers and sisters, and
make suggestions and introductions. I`ve read about an Imam in New York who does that
quite successIully.
We seem to have these two extremes either an arranged marriage between cousins, which
is generally unhealthy and seems to end in misery more oIten than not, or a Iree-Ior-all
where young people must Iend and seek Ior themselves, and oIten Iall into sin.
As a community we must develop modern alternatives that satisIy Islamic requirements and
allow single Muslim men and women to meet.

Wael Abdelgawad
Zawaj.com Editor

hLLp//wwwzawa[com/daLlnglnlslamqa/

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