my baby is now a . . . TEENAGER?

My Baby Is Now a . . . Teenager? By Dave Snyder

Copyright 2011 by Dave Snyder

Quotations marked (ESV) are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers.

Quotations marked (NIV) are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. 2

Table of Contents
Chapter 1 .......................................................................5 God or Goals? Chapter 2 ..................................................................... 17 Parental Holiness Chapter 3: .................................................................... 25 To Force or Not to ForceThat Is the Question! Chapter 4 ..................................................................... 35 Lead or Lose Chapter 5 ..................................................................... 43 Prayer vs. Presumption Chapter 6 ..................................................................... 53 Parenting Payday
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Chapter 1: God or Goals?

t is so apparent in todays church culture that goals come before God. In close to a decade of student ministry work, Ive observed

the tragic emphasis on goals above the worship of God Almighty. Goals arent necessarily a bad thing, but when placed as an emphasis in the homes above God they become idols. You may not see this as a problem. Take a few moments and examine what priorities you have as a family. Like weeds, goals creep in and push out godly worship. Still not convinced? Here are some common goals that exist in homes today. 1. If you make all As, you will get a car when you turn 16. 2. You know, your mommy and daddy went to school there . . . you can too! 3. If you dont spend hours practicing that instrument, you will never sound like ________. 4. Tryouts are next week for the traveling team . . . you can make it! 5. School, success, sports, clubs, friends, and vacations come before we even think about church. (OK, we dont actually communicate that clearly, but we do by what is observed in most churches.) 5

This is a problem. Goals have replaced the privilege of godly worship in most homes. We have a major question that we must be prepared to answer in this chapter: God or goals? Please dont check out already. May this be a challenge for you as you stare each morning at that baby who is now a teenager.

Who will make it a goal to worship God? Joshua 24 carries an important message for us all. Its worth the time to read the first 15 verses. In this story, we see our hero Joshua call all of the tribes of Israel to Shechem (once, an important place of pagan worship). I think its interesting how the place that Joshua called families to gather was at one time the epicenter of idolatry. The families gathered and our hero steps up to command a muchneeded renewal in the hearts of families. The renewal was centered on destroying idols and placing God above all. Its time we have renewals in our families. Its time we gather together and speak openly about the issue at hand. That time is now. We are not much different today than the families that gathered at Shechem. If you were to examine the way your family spends time and money, what would you discover? I hope you would discover the beautiful hidden joy of God being glorified in your home. For some of you, that will be the discovery! Soli Deo gloria! However, for some, the discovery will lead to the purpose behind this chapter. 6

We need renewal. We need to gather around the center of our idolatry and see a reminder of Gods faithfulness. This begs the question: Where do we start? Lets start with the importance of the Word in our families. How important is the daily reading of the Bible to your family? Do yourself a favor and get out a sheet of paper. Write down the brackets of time you fill each day in your pursuits. For example, if you have a cheerleader in your home, how much time each day does that commitment take? If you have a student who marches in the band, how much time each day is devoted to practices and competitions? Get the idea? Ill give you a few moments right now to write out the brackets. Be intentional with this challenge. What did you find out? Now, take that list and see how much time your family gave to God. What did you discover? Joshua gathered families together because of a similar epidemic, one that exists today goals before God. We must discover practical and genuine ways to move our families toward having the goal to be God. This must center on the importance, value, and power of His Word in the homes. If you are a dad or mom, your main responsibility (as a regenerated disciple of Jesus) is to lead your students to see and find all satisfaction in God. Before you start to sweat, remind yourself that you are a sinner saved by grace (Ephesians 2:89). Before you start to freak out, remind yourself that you have a Father in glory that parents you 7

(John 1:12). Left up to you, this mandate of biblical parenting would be hopeless. Write this down as one of infinite reasons why God is worthy of all worship (Psalm 19:1). Relaxed now? So, lets begin a few practical steps in the pursuit of making our goal be the worship of God Almighty. Dedicate daily time to the reading of Scripture in your home. We live in a generation that makes no excuse for the study of Gods Word. There are reading plans available online and in local Christian bookstores that can guide you in the daily reading of His Word. My encouragement to you is to have the entire family gathered around for this important bracket of time. If you cant find time (as many families make excuses for), take out your schedule and begin to adjust so that there is time. This is a slow step in eliminating any idols that come before the worship of God in your home. For example, if school events consume almost every evening in your home, then evaluate the significance of those commitments versus the worship of God. Do you have to be at every P.T.A meeting? Do you have to attend every weekend function centered on football or competitions? Do you have to go out every night to eat and shop? What can be eliminated so that God is glorified? I can promise you one thing right nowif you dont see this as a priority, neither will your students. Do yourself a favor: pick a time, find the right setting, and read the eternal stories of Gods saving grace to your family. Center more of your conversations on Him. It would be easy to have every 8

conversation be about ourselves. We can talk about the day so much that the Lord who made the day is left out (Psalm 118:24). At dinner, in the car, on walks, and in running your errands, bathe your words in His Word. This is a great step for families to take, because in the busyness of each day, He can still be exalted in our conversations. This idea of basing your conversations on Jesus is clearly seen in Luke 24:1327. In this text, Jesus has already absorbed the wrath of the Father for our sins. He has conquered the grave and is now walking toward Emmaus with two other men. The conversation was centered on Christ. In His glory, He comes into the talk and the men are left amazed. Invite Jesus into your talks and be amazed. In your conversations, welcome questions about God and humble yourself to seek His truth for answers. Dont just make up things about God! One beautiful result from centering your daily conversation on the grace of Christ in your life is a genuine approach to personal evangelism. We tend to lean heavily on packaged evangelism techniques. Im convinced if our daily words were about our Redeemer, then our talks with strangers about our Redeemer will be, well, just part of the day. How will you invest the hours of this day? Will you speak of things of temporary joy or truths that will never end? You decide. You set the pace and may your family follow. Trust me, He is worth talking about. Make sure your goal is God not benefits from God. Its easy for all of us to desire God solely for the hope of receiving certain assurances 9

and comforts for ourselves. For example, we can talk to our children about the importance of repentance, confession, and transformation in Christ, but if our goal is for them merely to go to heaven when they die then what are we missing? If our goal is heaven or lofty statuses, we are abusing the goal of God. God commands all worship to Himself. This foundational truth must be applied in the way we raise our students. If our goal is God, then we should not settle for mere church attendance. As a parent, strive to make your home a place that carries the ambition that Paul described in 2 Corinthians 5:9, So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it (NIV). If our goal as families is to please Him in every aspect, than we wont settle for complacent Christianity.

If God is not the goal, then who or what is? Its easy in families for other goals to interfere with the greatest goal of all. If your family is like mine, the days fly by and the weeks sour. At the start of each week, what goals do you and your family pursue? If you have an athlete, band member, dancer, or any involvement in school activities in the family, then your goals may consist of practices, games, and late nights of homework. That comes with the territory of middle and high school. Its not wise to completely abandon all of these. It is wise to examine them in light of God as your goal. You may want to intentionally propose these questions in light of everything 10

you and your student do: Is God glorified in this? How can I place Him above this? How can I declare His grace by this? These questions give joy in the midst of busy schedules. Paul writes, Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men (Colossians 3:23, ESV). So the goal for busy schedules is the glory of the Lord. If God is not the goal, then idols are born. In the South particularly, college football is an idol. In my area of ministry, Ive observed an unhealthy obsession with a sport that consumes time, money, and passion. Its not uncommon for church services to be poorly attended on Sundays after local teams have home games. My aim is not to throw college football under the bus. There are other various idols that interfere with God being the glorious goal of our lives. For the sake of this truth however, lets take college football as an example for what we as godly families must avoid. For the purpose of showing my point, I want to call this family Homestar. The Homestar family has season tickets to their beloved school football team. Dad and Mom Homestar attended this school. Dad and Mom Homestar expect their children to follow their footsteps to this school. Every other weekend is dedicated and sacrificed to the school. The family leaves early on Saturday morning, attends all the tailgating, enjoys the game, and arrives home late that night. Sunday morning arrives and the family decides to sleep in and enjoy a morning of rest after the full Saturday. On the weekends the team is away, the 11

family hosts parties to watch the away game on TV. If any church activity is planned during the schedule, it is an unspoken rule that the family will not attend. Corporate worship has become the adjustable priority to the idol of college football. What can we as families do in a situation like this? Instead of giving you a list of steps to take as a family, let me remind you of what our goal should be. Our goal is the worship and enjoyment of God. When idols are placed above the priority of enjoying God in true worship, families lose the blessing of true joy and true happiness. John Piper in Desiring God writes, We have accustomed ourselves to such meager, short-lived pleasures that our capacity for joy has shriveled. What is your family accustomed to? Can your family express and declare to others the truth of God in such a way that, that they may know that you alone, whose name is the Lord, are the Most High over all the earth (Psalm 83:18, ESV)? Or, will others see idols as being high and over you?

How can you make God the goal of your family? This question will be our guide as we conclude this chapter. How can you make God the goal of your family? What steps are needed in order to accomplish this task? I hate to let you down early, but I must; I have no steps to offer you. Im tired of reading book after book that offers steps in accomplishing this task. When you view the 12

depravity of your fall and the sufficiency of the Cross, you will see that the gospel is enough. As families, we must stop with placing a checklist in front of us in order to get through this goal and move on. The goal of God being glorified in us never ends. This pursuit will follow the redeemed to the grave until the celebration of His glory in heaven begins. Before we attack this question, motivated by His grace, we need to be reminded of the gospel. The best reminder is in the original script that transforms our lives. Join me for a few minutes by reading the magnificent words of Paul. And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedienceamong whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christby grace you have been savedand raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:110, ESV

That is our motivation for placing God as the highest goal in our family! We must not weaken the power of the gospel for the purpose of creating a comfortable checklist. Dont just attend church more in 13

order to accomplish this goalrejoice in the gospel more! Dont just cancel every activity for the purpose of self-achieved humilitylive the gospel in every arena of your life! We have made a great tragedy in placing the gospel as a weekly obligation rather than an eternal merriment. As a family, enjoy the gospel together. Be genuine in your

enjoyment. Dont view the gospel as a religious responsibility. In your homes, preach the gospel. You dont have to dress up and stand behind a desk in order for your teen to see Christ in you. John Piper in Desiring God writes, All the works of God culminate in the praises of His redeemed people, the climax of His happiness is the delight He takes in the echoes of His excellence in the praises of the saints. So, as a family, what will be the climax of your happiness? Will it be football, cheerleading, or band? What will happen when your teen grows old and leaves the temporary goals of your home? What will happen when you dont have to go to the game because your teen is not there? Why wait to make glorifying God the goal of your family? Rejoice today in Him. Live today for Him. Center your family on Him. My prayer is for the riches of His grace to consume you and your teen to see His all-sufficient glory that destroys all idols we crave in this fallen world. Remember, your goal as a family is the gospel. Your goals must come back to the gospel. If it werent for the gospel, our families 14

would have no hope. The absence of hope destroys goals. As families, let our hope be married to the hope of Christ. This hope prompted Edward Mote (17971874), when he wrote The Solid Rock. My hope is built on nothing less Than Jesus blood and righteousness; I dare not trust the sweetest frame, But wholly lean on Jesus name. When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace; In every high and stormy gale, My anchor holds within the veil. His oath, His covenant, His blood Support me in the whelming flood; When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay. When He shall come with trumpet sound, Oh, may I then in Him be found; Dressed in His righteousness alone, Faultless to stand before the throne.

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Chapter 2: Parental Holiness

added after a discouraging day last week. In the middle of our student ministry staff meeting, I was informed of a parent that had concerns over the ministry I lead. The concerns brought comparisons with other student ministries, ministers, etc. This parent had concerns and even frustrations with the student ministry. Instead of coming directly to me, this parent decided to share with others. I just recently found out about concerns that have stretched on for quite some time now. In the back of my mind, I was so confused to why this parent did not come to me directly. After that meeting, I spent some time in prayer for this individual. After prayer, I came to the realization that what perhaps was a simple concern turned into gossip. I left the meeting realizing this great truth that I must repeat again; our students will notice our holiness or lack there of. Holiness is the result of Gods saving grace in our lives. At the moment in which we are justified in the presence of the Father, purchased by the blood of the Son, we are given transformation by the gift of the Spirit. 17

arents, your students will notice your holiness or lack of. I have to confess something to you right now, this chapter was

In other words, we have been given the privilege of being set apart from the sins our Savior conquered on the Cross. As the leaders of our homes, our students need to see that separation in our lives daily. Are you demonstrating holiness to the eyes that watch you? Are you living your faith in such a way that the power of Gods truth guides your thoughts and actions? Its time for us to examine our holiness in the light of the great responsibility we have as parents. Paul challenged the church at Colossae with this powerful statement about the power of Christ, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him (Colossians 1:22, ESV). The death of Christ does not end with a comfortable entrance into a self-satisfying heaven. The death and resurrection of Christ rescues sinners and brings them into the family of God for all eternity. Our union with God begins with Christ. We cant drop the ball with our loyalty to our Redeemer. Holiness must be demonstrated in us before we can even think about wanting our teens to embrace the gospel. Do you live your life separated from the sins your Savior conquered in order to be presented daily as a blameless child? I have a major statement that I must make in this chapter. It is not the youth ministers job to raise your teen. Last week, I was on a plane heading to Costa Rica with several high school students and adults from my church. While I was soaring 36,000 feet above ground, I 18

was caught up in a great book called Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham Jr. There were parts of the book that I struggled with, but for the most part, I concluded the read with joyful edification. Voddie challenges parents to live in Christ-exalting holiness while teaching and leading in the home. In this book, Voddie writes, God has designed your familynot the youth group, not the childrens ministry, not the Christian school, but your familyas the principal discipling agent in your childrens lives. When any parent gets angered by what he or she wants the youth minister to do, its time for that parent to examine the need for personal holiness in the home. I have a rough life ahead. My sweet Eden is almost 18 months old as I write these words. She will be raised in a home with a father who works full-time in student ministry at the church. Please permit me to be transparent with you; my greatest aim for my sweet daughter is for her to see the love and holiness of Christ in my life every day God lets me be her father. It really doesnt matter how effective my ministry may be at the church if my daughter never sees holiness in her father. One of my favorite phrases to use from time to time is this: Id rather be a zero in ministry at the church, but come home as a hero to my bride and baby girl. Dont get me wrong; Im not perfect in this area. God continues to grow me in His sanctifying grace on this issue. Brooke and I have decided early on to never discuss church matters with our daughter (unless it will edify her). We have decided to be open and honest with 19

our daily sins. Even if it requires an evening on my back porch away from my family . . . Ill choose that over dropping the ball of parental holiness. Ive personally seen parental holiness lived out with strong families in the church. For almost 5 years, I had the privilege of getting to know the Geil family. Mark is the dad and leader of three precious girls. While I had the privilege of living and serving in Georgia, I observed Mark living with Christ-centered holiness on a weekly basis. Two of his three girls are now teens. They love the Lord as well as their parents. They show great respect everywhere they go. They dress and act with great modesty. For years, Ive questioned how Mark has had such success in his family. I believe one key element (by Gods grace) is the parental holiness of Mark and his lovely bride, Amy. Mark served as a key leader in the church for years. He never lost his temper, mouthed unholy gossip, or treated others with disrespect. He was and is a man of prayer. He leads his family each week in Bible studies and worship times. He gets it. I wish we had more dads like Mark out there. Parents, you will either show your teens the need for Christcentered holiness or you will show them conformity to sin. Which example will you set? Lets be practical together right now. Lets take a few examples that occur within our daily lives. How will you respond to them? 20

Example #1 You are upset with someone in the church. Weve all been there. We get our feelings hurt and then we have the responsibility to respond. A lack of Christ-centered holiness will take this example and produce gossip. We go to a few trusted friends with comments against the person in our radar. The comments begin with please dont tell anyone. Do you know what happens with comments that begin with that? They go to anyone! Eventually, we either move from gossip to bitterness or we discover that the simple conflict turns into unnecessary war against the church. Jesus has commanded us to go to each other when sin has produces conflict. Parents are to practice the commands of Jesus from Matthew 18:1518. With the presence of the Spirit, we are promised great results when we practice the commands of the Bible! Practice parental holiness right now. Put down this book and pray about any conflict you may have with another person. Trust in the grace of God and the power of His Word to bring great results. Dont let your children see you handle it sinfully. For almost a year, I had great bitterness toward another person. My sin let me harvest my frustration to the point that gossip and hatred came out. His grace convicted me recently. After repentance, I wrote this person a note. The response wasnt what I was hoping for, but I know that God was honored. I hope to practice that in front of Eden more and more as she grows older. 21

Example #2 You allow profanity and inappropriate jokes to come in your home. Most good church folks wont admit to this common rebellion. Its time we practical parental holiness by what we say and allow our families to say. Its vital for us to remember that the four walls surrounding us dont hide us from the view of God. God wants His children to be holy with their lips. Im convinced this common sin comes from what we watch on TV or follow on the Internet. Facebook, Twitter, and MTV will eventually guide the way we talk. Parents, practice parental holiness by meditating and living on the words of Paul, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29, ESV). Brooke and I have decided to allow only one night a week for TV watching. We have both selected a show or two that we know we would watch in front of Eden. If it ever gets to the point that we are embarrassed by what Eden will hear, then we will eliminate it from our family time. We may be weird for doing this. If holiness makes us look weird, then weird is a joyful label to accept.

Example #3 Vacation, sports, and/or school activities will always come before God. Please hang in there with me on this statement. I completely understand the risk of legalism I may take with what Im about to say. 22

I dont think we have to be in the building where the church gathers every time the doors open. Recently, Ive observed many families place idols above the God that saved them. Last fall, I had a parent tell me to quit having ministry events in the fall due to college football. Dont get me wrong, I dont mind having more time at home with my ladies! However, the painfulness of that statement was an indictment on the church today, especially in the South. It would almost appear that rapture comes to the church in certain months (Fall for football and summer for beach vacations). Im not saying that vacations, sports, or school activities are bad in of themselves. My concern is what we are teaching our teens in our response to them. What if dads and moms chose to place God above them? What if the church witnessed a growth of joyful worshippers because they saw the God of the Bible as more valuable than the team that lost the biggest game of the year? Parents, practice parental holiness with the way you respond to vacations, sports, and/or school activities. One of the greatest blessings the church can receive today is parents who live and lead out of Christ-centered holiness. I truly believe a lost culture would be amazed by the rise of holiness demonstrated in Christian homes. Instead of singing the anthem of sin in our lives, lets embrace the truth of the Gospel. Let our anthem be the great anthem of holiness. 23

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being soberminded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, You shall be holy, for I am holy. And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each ones deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for your sake, who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. 1 Peter 1:1321, ESV

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Chapter 3: To Force or Not to Force

That Is the Question!

church involvement. His son has been active in church his entire life . . . until now. Tragically, this student diagnosed himself with senioritis (a condition in which twelfth grade students check out on responsibilities in order to impatiently wait for post-graduation). My heart was broken for this dad. Hes a good dad. Hes a God-fearing dad. His young adult son has foolishly checked out of church. This brings us to discuss the important question: Do I force or not force my student to be involved in church? After God led His children out of Egyptian captivity and through the Red Sea, His people rejoiced in song. The song they treasured contained this powerful verse, The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise Him, my fathers God and I will exalt Him (Exodus 15:2, ESV). Did you notice the phrase, my fathers God? This phrase will help us answer one of the most asked questions from God-fearing parents. Moses includes the phrase my fathers God to help us connect 25

few weeks ago, I had a very concerned parent in my office. This parents concern was built on his sons apathy toward

with the importance of God-honoring families. The God that the children of Israel worshipped in Exodus 15 was the same God their forefathers worshipped from the beginning of time. This phrase connects with Exodus 3:6, in which God is referred to as The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. This is the God that we esteem. This is the God that rescued us. This is the God that as families, we must honor and worship. Shall we return now to the question that began this chapter? Lets put something on the table right now; parents are losing hope. Ive spoken with several parents over the years that have grave concerns for the future of their teens. Their concerns lead them to anxiety every Sunday morning when trying to get their teens out of bed for church. Its like trying to put out a fire with hidden gunpowder in the pocket. Churches can push back their late services as late as they want; however, it will not help in the weekly war of getting families together in church. Should we force our teens to attend church? If we force them, will it pull them away? What if we made church attendance an option? What if we just lived our faith as individuals with hopes that our teens will notice and follow? These are tough questions. Its a good thing we worship the Sovereign Lord who is not caught off guard with our self-perceived hopeless questions! Lets return to the song of Moses. The people sang that glorious line, because they knew God. They heard the truth of God from family 26

worship services. They saw the faithfulness of God in generations of God-honoring parents. The same God in Genesis was the same God on Mt. Sinai (Exodus 3) as well as past the Red Sea (Exodus 15). He is the same God that rescued us (Exodus 18:10, Colossians 1:13). This God deserves families who place Him as the highest goal. So, how does this relate to our question? In order to answer the question, we must discuss a few important points in relation to God-centered families.

Point 1 God-fearing parenting is led by His Sovereign authority, not ours. If I force my teen to be involved in church, he/she will reject God forever. Ive heard this statement several times in my years of youth ministry. I understand the heart behind the parents that ask it. I sympathize with any parent that has a wayward teen. This question has been on my mind for the last several months. The more that Ive studied Gods Word in relation to this question, I have found a peaceful remedy. Would you like to hear it? (If youve read this far already in the book, I pray you are ready to hear it!) Gods sovereignty does not rely on our decision as parents. No matter what you may do as a parent, God will be sovereign. In other words, He has full control over all life-breathing creatures that walk this earth. Fallen humanity is the top of His sovereign order. Take comfort in the fact 27

that if you dont make church involvement an option in your teens life, it will not determine if your teen will follow Jesus or not. This is great news! It is not our job to save our families. He alone is mighty to save (Zephaniah 3:17, ESV). He alone has the power to transform hearts of rebellious teens (Ezekiel 36:26, ESV). Take comfort in His control over your family. However you decide to raise your teen . . . God will still be sovereign. I pray His sovereign grace will guide you as you lead your apathetic teen to the altar of unending worship. Gods sovereignty will refresh us in our darkest hours. Last week, I received a Facebook message from a dear friend of mine in Georgia. This friend was really struggling with the depression of his teenage daughter. As of today, she has no saving faith in Jesus. My friend is a God-fearing dad who loves his family as Christ loves the church. He is one of many parents who have wrestled with the question that leads this chapter. For years, he didnt really make church involvement a requirement for his daughter. She came with middle school hopes and dropped out with high school drama. My friend regrets giving Sunday mornings as an option for her. Perhaps you can learn from him? Join me in praying for him. I recently spoke with an associate pastor on this subject. Gods grace has given him two young adult sons that love Jesus. In our talk, this pastor encouraged me to view the issue not as forcing but more as having a family environment in which it was understood. How can 28

this conflict be resolved with simply the idea of being understood? Families that have consistent time in the Word as well as consistent practice of the Word will develop an understood environment. As a family, devote time to His truth and trust in His sovereign glory over your children. Instead of raising your voice over the fact that your teen doesnt want to worship with you in the church, let your hope be in the foundation of His truth and His control over your teen. Let your teen see you pray for him/her. Let your teen see you in the Word. Let your teen see the passion of the gospel in your daily life. This battle is in His sovereign hands. Even in the darkest of hours, He is still sovereign, He is still glorious. You can trust Him.

Point 2 God-fearing parenting is empowered by His presence. There was a student years ago who fell for the deception of the enemy and purposely dropped all focus on faith, family, and school. In order to earn popularity and sinful acceptance, this student intentionally had disrespect for Christ and His church, his family, and even his school performance. His G.P.A. went from a potential 3.5 to a humiliating 1.8 during his freshmen year. This student could not see the reality of his sinful state. The parents of this student had many sleepless nights of despair. Counselors told them that the student would not be college material, corporate material, or any material that would have any sense of honor. The counselor even went to the extent that a military option 29

would be a dream. The parents were devastated. Hope seemed to be as distant as deodorant is to a middle school boy. What were they to do? They never lost hope in the presence of God. God-fearing parenting must involve prayer. If prayer is ignored, then how can any of us expect significant changes in turmoil? God, in His sovereign grace, does give hope before prayers are spoken. However, God has given us prayer as a gift. The gift is the joy that He listens (Psalm 55:17, ESV). If our merciful Father listens to us when we present our concerns (Philippians 4:6, ESV) for our children, what difference would it make in our daily privilege of parenting? For example, your teen refuses to wake up and join you in corporate worship. You make it a daily priority to pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17, ESV) to the Sovereign Lord. Your Lords presence surrounds your home like an approaching army . . . your teen begins to sense His presence, and his/her heart changes for the joy of your glorious Father. What if that happened? If you have doubts about that, then how big are your prayers? Friend, our hope is in the One that redeemed us. Our hope is in His daily presence. Our hope is to be in His presence forever. Let us not be so deceived to think that the presence of God is not enough to change the hearts of our rebellious teens. Lets return to our story. The parents of that struggling student prayed. 30 They didnt make success an option. The student was

disciplined and challenged to snap out of the sin he was engulfed in.

Prayers from many saints were lifted up for him. Christ gave him all-satisfying joy that year. His grades improved, his respect for his family grew, and his love for the church grew. Years later, he would graduate with a G.P.A. above 3.0. He would go on to college and then to seminary (Gods sovereign grace called him into full-time vocational ministry). Today, he writes the very words you are reading. Dont give up. Gods presence is what you need. Pray. Trust. Lead. Love.

Point 3 God-fearing parenting must look to what is most important. What is the most important thing you want for your teen? Do you want him/her to graduate with honors? Do you want him/her to be accepted to the college of your choice? Do you want your teen to be popular? Do you want your teen to be successful on the playing field? Do you want your teen to find all enjoyment in God? Hmm . . . the last question is THE question. God-fearing parenting must focus on the eternal enjoyment of God. If we lose sight of that, our parenting is only our desire for selfish approvals and not God-honoring praise. Ill explain. Religion is nothing more than a selfish desire to ignore the grace of Jesus and receive divine rewards to boast our position in life. If we arent careful, we can be religious parents . . . and not God-fearing parents. There is a difference. When we force our teens to pay their 31

church dues, succeed in school, and be successful in this culture, we walk a thin line of self-fulfillment. If we arent careful, we substitute the worship of God in our homes with just doing what is mandatory in order to have acceptance. If your motive for your teens involvement in church is for others to like you, then your motive is religious. If your motive for your teens success in school is to have a one up over someone else, then your motive is religious. If your motive for your teens respect of you (calling you sir or maam) is to make you look higher, then your motive is religious. Dont be religious. Fear and worship God. Enjoy the glory of God above your sinful motives. Mark Driscoll writes in Religion Saves, Religion is the great enemy of the Gospel because it seeks to replace the gifted righteousness of Jesus Christ with some other human work. Our motives must be Godcentered. If not, we are just as bad as our rebellious teens. In our final chapter, we will talk about the payoff in parenting. Until we reach that end, lets embrace the light that beams through the tunnel. Gods glory and grace work together in bringing about revival in homes where parents honor Him, trust Him, and dont give up on the truth that glorifies Him. Dont give up. The most important thing to look for in your family is not the fulfillment of every expectation you have, but to glorify God with living according to His gospel. When your teen has a reborn joy in being involved in church, glorify God. When our teens grades are 32

improving, glorify God. When our teen is making wise decisions with friends, glorify God. Beware of the sinful temptation of sitting back and thinking you did a great job with those victories. You did nothing. Gods grace provided everything, for the enjoyment of your family and the advancement of His kingdom. Glorify Him. That is what is most important. Do yourself a favor and let your teen join you in glorifying God. I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever. Psalm 86:12, ESV.

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Chapter 4: Lead or Lose.

in your heart. How can we expect our teens to embrace the gospel if we treat the gospel with half-hearted joy? Many years ago in my first year of student ministry, I had a rough encounter with a deacon in my church. This man had a son heavily involved in the student ministry. His son had limited mental capacities, which made it difficult for him to learn as fast as his peers. His dad, this deacon, was respected in the church by some. Not me. On one particular Wednesday night, we ran about five minutes late in our student gathering. (Youll have to forgive youth ministers . . . many of us are bad with time.) The memory still haunts me as Im typing this. I was standing around the youth room talking with some of the students. From the back of the room, I heard loud footsteps hitting the basement steps like cannons going off in a distance. This deacon ran into the room, grabbed his son by the ear, and jerked him upstairs. As he was jerking him by the ear, he yelled very critical comments to his son as they left together. His son was greatly embarrassed and hurt. As a 20-year-old rookie, I had no clue 35

arents, its time to set the example of Christ-exalting faith. Its time to lead in such a way that your teen sees the value of Christianity

what to do. I regret I did very little. I lost respect for this leader of the church. I still talk with his son from time to time. His son still struggles with low self-esteem. His father lost out in the responsibility of leading his son to the altar of Christ-centered joy. Lets put something on the table together: if we fail in leading, we should not be surprised if our teens give up on their faith. I know of a well-respected ministry leader who preached powerful messages behind the pulpit while failing in his leadership at home. His children have grown up now with a hatred toward church and the faith. There has to be tremendous value to what Paul taught when he wrote to Timothy, He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for Gods church? (1 Timothy 3:45, ESV). Dont fall into the thought that Paul is writing just to church leaders. How can we expect a revival in our teens if we arent worshipping Christ with them? Before we consider our role as spiritual leaders for our teens, we must be walking in the Spirit daily. How can a father teach his son about baseball if he has no ability to catch or throw? How can a mother teacher her daughter about natural beauty if she hasnt gone a day without makeup in her life? Leading comes from experience. Leading comes from a passionate heart and genuine character. Lets examine a powerful truth in Scripture together. 36

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. Galatians 5:1617, ESV In order to walk by the Spirit, you must be consumed in the Spirit for the joy of the Savior. Think about your testimony for just a moment. Do you remember your old self before Christ redeemed you? Do you remember the birth of your new self ? You may want to examine Colossians 3:1-17 to serve as a reminder. If our teens only see the old self, then they will find difficulty in trusting our attempt in leading toward their new self. Think about this with me for a moment. Today, your teen

will be consumed in the darkness of our sin-stained culture. They will be fed the deception of politically corrected media that does nothing but blaspheme the name of Christ. They will waste time on Facebook, MySpace, and other social networks. They will be engaged in conversations in school that range from politics to religion. They will be hit with temptations that compromise the values of Scripture. When they leave your home and return, what do they see in you? If you are not shining the light of the gospel in your life, the darkness will take advantage of that failure and move in unnoticed. Its simple. Lead or lose. Yield yourself to the leadership of the Holy Spirit and 37

let Him shine the light of the gospel in you and your family (Matthew 5:1316). How can you do this? Well, for starters . . . you cant. Only the grace of the Almighty can transform your heart and wipe away the darkness with indescribable light. With His power, be visible in your passion.

Let your teen see you having your quiet time daily. Its important for your teen to see the value of Christ in your heart. Having your quiet time in an area that your teen will walk through in the morning is a great way to lead with passion-fueled worship. Our teens watch us. I cant begin to share with you all the stories Ive heard in the past that begin like this, Yesterday, my dad . . . Dont fool yourself into thinking they dont pay attention. With their iPods on and their texting running, they still have a supernatural ability to observe. Do they observe you investing time in your Redeemer or do they observe you watching inappropriate television shows? Do they observe you studying the riches of Gods Word or do they observe you flipping through sinful literature? Dads, let your teen see you treasure Christ more than Monday Night Football. Moms, let your teens see you worship Christ more than Desperate Housewives.

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Let your teen see you date your spouse. I know you may be thinking, This is a strange point to put in this section. Not really. One of the top issues you will deal with in your home is the area of relationships. Your teen is blindsided with temptations to compromise purity within shallow and meaningless relationships. Its horrific today to think about how many born-again Christians give up their virginity in high school. I dont even want to research the most recent statistic. Do the homework. Open your eyes and realize that this is a big issue today. Every show your teen watches will go against the truth of Gods Word in the area of purity. Instead of just saying to them, Dont date, dont hook up, and dont have sex, we must send messages of Christ-centered relationships within Mom and Dad. You will lack in your leadership if you do not love your spouse. How can you expect your teen to trust your judgment if you have no judgment within your marriage covenant? Your teens dont come above your marriage. Your marriage is above your teens. When we sinfully reverse these, we lose our ability to lead with genuine effectiveness in the area of teenage relationships. It was no accident that Paul placed this before his challenge to fathers in Colossians 3:18 20. The breakdown goes like this: verses1819 are for mom and dad, verse 20 is for the children. In addition, model Ephesians 5:2533 in your home. 39

Let your teen see you involved in ministry. We tend to have a distorted view of ministry in twenty-firstcentury American Christianity. Ministry is not limited to those who are in seminary or receive a paycheck from the church. Ministry is our opportunity to utilize the privileged giftedness our Lord placed within our regenerated hearts. Ministry is the wonderful outflow of joy-filled involvement in the family of God. I love how my church brings in new members. Once the process of membership is complete, my senior pastor looks to new members in front of the entire body and has them repeat this following statement: At CrossPoint, every member is a minister. I wish more churches followed this biblical connection to the commands of Jesus. Ephesians 4:716 is a beautiful text that articulates the importance of ministry within the heart of every believer. Parents, dont occupy a seat in a room with half-hearted spectators. Lead your family in being active with ministry opportunities. If you dont know where to start with this, ask your pastor where the greatest need isand go from there.

Let your teen see you give. Lets be honest with each other for just a moment, its easy to be greedy and selfish in todays culture. Most men today would rather go in debt with a diesel truck than give to their families. Its a tragedy that our culture welcomes. I know of a particular family that has gone 40

so heavily into stupid debt (leasing vehicles and other unnecessary purchases), their children have nothing invested in their future. Giving must begin in our home. Its a great contradiction to Scripture if we ignore the needs of our family while giving a get-me-out-of-guilt offering on Sunday. As parents and leaders of your teens, practice the joy of giving. Let your teen experience the worship of a sacrificial gift for the advancement of the kingdom. Paul writes, Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7, ESV). Your teen will notice and follow the patterns of your stewardship of Gods blessings. Dads that give only to themselves lose in the opportunity to teach others how to give. Dont lose.

Let your teen be invited to deeper discussions surrounding God. If you were to survey teens that are faithful to Gods Word and Gods church, you may discover the reality of their desire to go deeper. One of the greatest tragedies of churches today is found in youth ministries that lower the level of Gods truth in order to raise the level of shallow growth. Parents please trust me in this declaration: your teen wants to go deeper. If we arent raising our teens to go deeper in discussions surrounding God, we may easily forfeit them to go deeper in the sins of this fallen culture. Make yourself available for discussions with your teen. Dont be afraid to admit that you dont 41

know the answer. His Word must be your guide in leading your teen. Too many parents are dropping their teen off at the door of youth ministry and trusting a youth leader to take over the responsibility that must be in the home. One or two hours a week will never compare to the daily opportunity you have in discussing the beauty of Gods Word with your teen. Enjoy this privilege. Dont blink. It wont last forever. You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. Deuteronomy 11:1819, ESV

Parents, its simple; we either lead or we lose. We either lead with the genuine joy of our Savior in our lives (Colossians 3:1), or we lose with the consuming death of our own self-centeredness (James 3:14 15). Our teens need our leadership. Our teens need to see the gospel in our lives. Our hope for the success of our families must begin with the success of the gospels transformation in our hearts. Gods grace has given you the opportunity to lead. My suggestion for you right now is to close this chapter, find your teen, and invest gospel-centered time in him/her.

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Chapter 5: Prayer vs. Presumption.

is walking with the Lord because he/she just happened to bring a Bible to church on Sunday. We presume our teen is conquering the temptations of peer pressure because we have not discovered beer in his/her room. We presume they will succeed in life because they were accepted by the college you faithfully follow on Saturdays. As a youth minister that longs for a generation of teenagers to glorify the risen Savior, please receive this with love; its time we pray and not presume. I believe one of the reasons why graduated seniors often move on to drop out of church is that their parents incorrectly assumed they were strong. Too many excuses are given today for teenage church dropouts. They range from my teen has a ball game to next Sunday is the beauty pageant. Ive heard excuses centered on homework, school clubs, and required trips. This fallen culture would love for us to sign the deceit permission slip and step on the bus of Christrejection. With the busyness of church absence, parents often presume everything is fine. A few weeks ago, a dear saint of my church came to 43

ets be honest with each other for just a moment; we spend more time presuming than praying. We presume that our teen

me with this tragic statement, Dave, when cheerleading and dance are over, my teen will be back in church. After he made the statement, he took a few steps away and then stopped. With small tears in his eyes, he made this powerful conclusion, This will be the last year we do this. I pray that is true. Its easy for parents to presume and not pray. Presumption often brings excuses and weakens faith. Years ago, I managed to upset some college freshmen and their formal high school Bible study leader. After a grueling afternoon of busy office work, I decided to spend some time on Facebook. From time to time, I try to devote my attention on former students and their faith. Visiting their pages and seeing their posts can either refresh my soul or crush my heart. On this particular day, it crushed my heart. These freshmen were worshipping the idols of alcohol, sex, materialism, and vulgarity. My immediate reaction was anger. This anger came from the reminder of the many conversations I had with their parents while they were seniors. You may know where Im going . . . their parents presumed everything was fine. Their teens lack of joy in Christ and His church were covered up with idolatrous excuses. As freshmen in college, they were away from their parents and consumed in sin. The story continues. After much prayer, I decided to send a message to the Bible study leader of these freshmen. To my horrific surprise, she made more excuses! Presumption was still in the air. Instead of praying for their 44

repentance and rescue, their leader was presuming they would simply come back to church one day. After hearing from this leader, I learned that my concern had traveled to the freshmen and their parents. In a faster time period than receiving chicken from an unhealthy restaurant, I had enemies. My heart was crushed. The freshmen deleted me as their friends on Facebook and parents gossiped about my discernment. It took discipline, but I still prayed. God was faithful. A few months ago, one of these freshmen students sent a message to my wife. The message listed all the sins and brokenness that

concerned my heart years ago. The message concluded with the victory of the gospel and the privilege of prayers being answered. This student is now a God-fearing adult that loves Christ and the church. I wish I could write the same result for the others, but I cant as of today. Im content with the victory in the one. Prayer must overcome presumption. We must devote consistent and desperate hours of prayer for the teens we are responsible for parenting. We must prayerfully examine unnecessary busy schedules, poor excuses, and peer-pressured decisions. Paul challenges us to, Pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17, ESV). What difference would it make in your family if you ceased from presuming and never ceased from prayer? Instead of convincing yourself, my teen is fine, why not prayerfully focus yourself on this truth, my teen needs Christ in every step he/she takes today? 45

Pauls letter to the church at Ephesus was a crying petition for Christ-centered love and doctrine. His love for the church was clearly evident when he pleaded for them to stop presuming and to begin, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints (Ephesians 6:18, ESV). If we value the church as high as Scripture commandsthe value of our families will be even greater. Please hear my confession, Id rather be a weak and poor minister to students, but be a hero in my home. If prayer is not foundational in the family, then prayer is nothing more than vain words in the church. Prayer is vital. Prayer is the very substance that gives gospel-life to your teen. Dont presume everything is ok. Pray above your presumption. Where should you start in prayer? How do you pray? What specific requests and concerns should you voice in your prayers? Since our families are all going to be different, I cannot specifically answer those questions. However, I can offer you some encouragement on elements of prayer that you and your teen should embrace together.

With your teen, adore the glory of the Lord. Discipline yourself as a privileged parent to lead your teen in prayers of adoration. If this is difficult, get out a sheet of paper and list the evidences of Gods grace today. Put your hand over your heart and feel the rhythm. Open your eyes and look at the clean water that 46

comes so easily out of your home. These are baby steps in adoring the grace of our Lord. Dont let your prayers of adoration be centered on materialism. For example, it may be easy for your teen to pray, God, I adore you because of my grades, my friends, and my car. Well, those are all gifts of grace, but would you still adore God if they were taken away? Focus on His attributes. Focus on His gospel. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14, ESV For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Psalm 86:5, ESV The Lord reigns; he is robed in majesty; the Lord is robed; he has put on strength as his belt. Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved. Psalm 93:1, ESV With your teen, confess your sins in humble prayer. Yes, you need to read that statement again. Parents, we are guilty sinners just like our teens. Parents, we need to be honest with our rebellion before God. I would argue that this confession must be daily. Wouldnt it be a beautiful picture to confess your sins with your teen? Most parents today struggle with the fact that their teens dont open up to them. Most parents stress over the daily mystery that begins once their teens leave for school. Confessional prayer will break down those walls as God will be glorified in sinners owning up to their failures. This step of prayer will be humbling to you and your teen, but the reward is far greater than the price. Revival can begin in your 47

home! You can have no more secrets that steal hours of needed sleep. Discipline yourself as a privileged parent to lead your teen in daily confessional prayers. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.1 John 1:9, ESV Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Proverbs 28:13, ESV

With your teen, plead with humble dependence on Gods providence. In other words, discipline yourself as a privileged parent to depend on the daily presence of God in your familys life. This element of prayer can help destroy the temptation of worldly independence. Within this prayer, be ready to ask dangerous questions like: What would happen if you didnt get into the school you wanted? or, What would happen if your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you? (Be ready for drama). Daily prayers of petition will open your eyes to the danger of self-centered independence. Assumptions destroy Godcentered dependency. When we assume our teen is OK, then we fail in the privilege of prayerful petitions. Parents dont deceive yourselves; your teen needs your prayers. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.Philippians 4:6, ESV 48

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people.1 Timothy 2:1, ESV

With your teen, pray for others. Praying for the needs and requests of others eliminates our temptation to assume that others are just OK. I wonder how many sinful surprises would be avoided in the church if the saints practiced the daily privilege of intercession. Discipline yourself as a privileged parent to pray with your teen for others. Begin in your family, and then move outside. Pray for those who are sick. Pray for the lost. Pray for the hurting. Intercessory prayers draw believers to live selflessly. Intercessory prayers cause families to practice the commands of Scripture. What would happen if you and your teen prayed daily for the needs of others? My guess is that your family would begin to live out the commands of Jesus. Lets say you begin today in praying for the poor and the sick. What if the Spirit prompted your family to do something about that? Guess what, the Spirit already has! Scripture is clear on the need for the redeemed to take care of the needs of others. Invite your teen to join you in praying for the needs of others. Intercession destroys the idols of materialism, self-centeredness, and pride. This is a vital element of prayer that we must not neglect. 49

Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way. 1 Samuel 12:23, ESV And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Colossians 1:9, ESV

With your teen, thank God for the joy of His presence. Thanksgiving should not be limited to a Thursday each year on which we overeat, oversleep, and worship the idol of football. Thanksgiving is the condition of prayer in which we pause and thank God for all the evidences of His mercy and grace in our lives. Your teen needs to see a heart of thanksgiving in your prayer life. We thank God, not because He gives what we deserve, but we receive what we do not deserve. Thanksgiving prayers can shape your teens heart into seeing the fact that everything they have, say, and do is a gift of grace from God. Begin the day and end the day with your teen in thanksgiving over the joy of Gods presence. Center your affections on His presence. Let your heart beat with joyful thanksgiving over the day that He has given you. This conclusion of prayer with your teen will honor the Lord as He is given all the credit for the day your family has experienced. Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples! 1 Chronicles 16:8, ESV 50

Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 106:1, ESV This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24, ESV Dont assume your teen is OK, and you dont need to pray. Dont abuse the short time you have in praying with your teen. Take advantage of every moment you have to pray with and for the teen that Gods grace has privileged you to lead. Prayer is glorious. Prayer is victorious. Prayer will unite while presumptions will divide. What will you choose today? Will you presume or will you pray?

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Chapter 6: Parenting Payday

esterday, happiness filled my soul faster than tickets sold out for the Super Bowl. For years, faithful parents prayed for their

wayward son. His rebellion caused many sleepless nights for them. To be quite honest with you, most people gave up on this student. To be even more honest with you, I gave up on him. For years, I watched him get consumed with the fallen idols of his generation. He was raised in a God-fearing home by parents that love Jesus and the Scriptures. In my eyes, there was no reason for his rebellion based on the home that raised him. His parents never gave up. Let me repeat that statement again: his parents never gave up. Let me return now to yesterday. I heard from the faith rumor mill (the sometimes positive and almost always negative gossip world among believers) that this student was saved by the grace of Jesus. At first, I was skeptical. My reasoning was centered on the history of the previous decisions this student had made at camps and retreats. Im so thankful God looked past my pharisaical heart and exposed me to the reality of true conversion yesterday. This student went from living in darkness to rejoicing in light. His Twitter and Facebook posts are 53

nothing but truths from Scripture. His heart longs now for the truth of God and not the lies of this culture. He is saved! He is a new creation! The many sleepless nights of his faithful parents have now received the reward they longed forthe payday of salvation in their son. What a Savior! Im so glad they never gave up. Their parenting payday has filled the bank of their joy, as their son who was once lost is now found. Parents dont give up. You may not even have a glimpse of hope for your son or daughter; but God gives hope where hope is lost! As a parent, you will have to be ready for paying out your faith in the work of raising your teen. Parental laziness is giving up on the seed that our Father wants to grow. Trust me, you want the payday. Trust these precious parents that are celebrating this week, the payday is glorious. They payday can happen. I spoke with someone recently who said this sad statement, Dave, the payday doesnt always work. Yes, thats true. There are saints today that still mourn over the rebellion of their children. However, what if the sovereignty of God gave them an unexpected payday when they were just ready to take it all out of their bank of faith? Im so thankful that the patience and kindness of our Father promises us results with our families that we cannot even begin to imagine (Romans 2:4). What is the parenting payday? Is this something we should really strive after? Lets be honest, its easy to use the excuse I did all I can . 54

. . its up to God now. Some may call that faith. I call that parenting laziness. Gods given us the gift of our faith (Ephesians 2:8), the privilege of our families, and the joy of His gospel. Its well worth the sleepless nights, because God works in ways that only His sovereign grace can predict (Ephesians 1:11). Lets return to my question now that began this paragraph. Please permit me to share with you some observations of what I would label parenting paydays. My hope is for your soul to be edified by the grace and love of your Father in glory. Please place this thought in your mind before we begin: dont give up. This journey is worth the walk.

The parenting payday is Gods way of glorifying Himself in the faithfulness of His children. Its such a glorious sight to see our teens grow up to become Godhonoring adults. In my short decade of student ministry work, Ive been more refreshed by seeing my students develop into adults that live for the glory of God than having a large youth group. The tendency in most student ministers is to hold onto the unhealthy desire of having an empire to lead. Seeing your teen grow into the character of Chris as an adult is the payday of your faith. In Luke 2:2532, we find a story of a faithful man by the name of Simeon. This man enjoyed the payday of his long-lived faith by seeing the reward of Jesus. Gods grace kept him alive long enough to 55

witness the reward he was anticipating his entire life, Jesus. Take just a moment with me and read this story straight from the Scriptures. Now there was a man in Jerusalem, whose name was Simeon, and this man was righteous and devout, waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. And it had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not see death before he had seen the Lords Christ. And he came in the Spirit into the temple, and when the parents brought in the child Jesus, to do for him according to the custom of the Law, he took him up in his arms and blessed God and said, Lord, now you are letting your servant depart in peace, according to your word; for my eyes have seen your salvation that you have prepared in the presence of all peoples, a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and for glory to your people Israel.Luke 2:2532, ESV

The payday for this devout man was the reward of His Savior. I wonder how many days he considered the thought of giving up. I wonder how many moments in his life that he doubted the arrival of Jesus. Im so thankful we have this story in the Scriptures. Parents, we can learn a lot from this story. We cant give up on our children. God is glorified in the faithfulness of His children. Parents that fight the good fight will have the opportunity to receive the grace of a parenting payday. Simeon didnt give up. Simeons payday was the sight of His Savior. What if today your payday is the sight of your Savior in the life of your teen? Would you even regret the sleepless nights and wrestling of your faith? Would you even complain about his/her past or would you rejoice in the promised future that His grace has rewarded? Again, dont give up. Anticipate the joy that Simeon 56

received in his faithfulness. Gods glory will be displayed in your trust that He is sovereign and gracious enough to lead your teen for the praise of His name.

The parenting payday serves as a reminder of our privileges. Have you ever considered it to be a privilege to be a parent? (Even when your teen was two years old . . . and flushing your remote controls down the toilet). Lets embrace this truth together; it is a divine privilege to be a parent. If you dont believe that, speak with someone who wants children and still hasnt been given any. The privilege of parenting is in our hearts today. Some of you today are in the trenches of war with your rebellious teen. In the midst of any struggle you may be experiencing, pause for a moment and consider it a privilege to have this responsibility. Your teen probably communicates little gratitude to you for your daily desire to lead him/her in the steps of Jesus. However, your Father in glory is pleased with your faith and desire to continue the race. Its a privilege to parent today, because in parenting, we must humble ourselves (John 3:30) in such a way that mirrors the mercy of Jesus (Philippians 2:5-11). For example, today, your teen rolls his/her eyes at you with objection toward your lovingly requests. What will you do? Will you argue back and lose your temper in a sinful manner? Will you regret your role as a parent? Or, will you trust in the grace of your 57

Lord and pray with urgency over the condition of your child? The privilege of parenting comes when we realize that God is using us for the development of another. Separate yourself for just a moment as a parent. Your teen has a soul. Your teen is an individual. With that obvious truth understood, the privilege you hold in your home is helping him/her understand God. The greatest joy we can have on this side of Gods glory is to know Him before we experience Him on the other side (Psalm 119:29). Lets keep that focus in mind as we labor in faith to raise our teens to cherish Jesus.

The parenting payday comes from joyful labor. Do you enjoy work? Do you enjoy your job? One of the greatest tragedies for anyone is a joyless job. Some of the unhappiest people I have met are those that hate their jobs and work just to receive a bimonthly paycheck. Lets be honest, we need paychecks. Lets be more honest, working with frustration can be devastating to our spiritual, emotional, and physical health. In The Fred Factor, Mark Sanborn writes, The unhappiest people of all may well be those who go to jobs they hate because they need the money. As parents, we must not view our roles as joyless obligations until our teens reach the age they leave the home. Some parents act like this without identifying it verbally like I just did. Ill give you an example if you continue with me. Recently, I observed a parent that paid little to no attention to his 58

children. Each week at church, his children wanted nothing but his concentration. With much sadness, I witnessed this dad ignore them for the purpose of self-centered interests. If you were to ask the world about his job, the world would recommend he was a good dad. Of course, the worlds standard for being a good dad is the following: Have a good job, provide for needs, dont cheat on Mom, and attend a few events a year. Some parents model this unfortunate and joyless approach to parenting. In order for us to receive the glorious parenting payday from our Lord, we must approach our roles with genuine joy and thanksgiving. Yesterday, I posted this on my Twitter account: Dads, glorify your Father by turning off your iPhones when you come home and invest the evening with your family. Some may interpret that post as being too intense. I posted it out of conviction. There have been nights just recently when I had my eyes on technology more than my beautiful daughter who wanted my attention. His grace convicted and restored my self-centeredness. Trust me, its easy to do. Joyful labor anticipates joyful paydays. If we approach our roles as parents with joy and thanksgiving every day, then the seeds of the Gospel will be planted so deeply (Matthew 13:8) that circumstances cannot destroy what God has given. Before your parenting payday arrives, enjoy the labor of your responsibility today. Dont give up.

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When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. John 16:2124

The parenting payday brings sweet worship to the souls of the faithful.
My last Sunday at a church I recently served in Atlanta was a day of sweet worship. For close to five years, I served this precious bride with joy and thanksgiving. There were rough times and there were sweet times. The labor was worth the years. During that time, I never experienced a growth numerically as my pride was anticipating. There were many nights in which I drove home after preaching with thoughts of confusion and discouragement over a lack of apparent understanding from my students. During this last year of ministry, I began a Tuesday afternoon fellowship called The Young Preachers Society. This society was a group of about ten high school students that met each week to discuss preaching, read about preaching, evaluate sermons, and take turns preaching. It was all about preaching . . . you get the idea. It was a refreshing time in my ministry to offer specific time with students in whom I felt called to invest. On my last Sunday (which was the Senior Recognition Day), three seniors

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and members of the society preached. In those services, I observed the payday of my time at the church. The payday produced sweet worship in my soul as I experienced the faithfulness of my Father in glory in the hearts of young men. My payday brought joy in His presence. Trust me, a payday is coming. Our God is faithful (Deuteronomy 7:9).

When your parenting payday arrives, for the glory of God, you will treasure such sweet worship in your soul that words cannot describe. Dont give up. When you see the faithfulness of God over the many years of your parenting, you cant help but worship Him. Some may discourage you to think that it will never come. If that happens, find better friends. We must fight this battle together. We must encourage one another as the church was commanded to do (Hebrews 3:13). God will be glorified in your faithfulness to Him over the souls of your teenagers. Please permit me to close with some practical suggestions in your daily work as a parent. Just like any job, we must be intentional and driven to accomplish by faith. I am a list maker. Im convinced there are two types of people in this world: those who make lists and those who dont like people who make lists. Lets be one person, together, for just a moment. Make a list of specific ways in which you will invest your days with your teens with anticipation for your parenting payday.

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A list can look like this: I will pray with my teens before they go to school each morning. I will spend at least an hour a day with my teens to see what is new in their lives. I will take vacation days from work when they have holidays off from school. I will lead them in a Bible study each week. I will invite them to join me in local missions. I will help them with their finances in a God-honoring way. I will attend their ball games and competitions. I will take them out and model a God-honoring date with their mother/father. I will ask specific questions regarding their faith. I will embrace them daily with a hug. I will write notes of encouragement. Get the idea?

Imagine your teen walking across the high school graduation stage with a diploma in hand, a Christ-centered joy in heart, and respect for you in genuine love. That is your parenting payday. Imagine your teens future wedding day. He/she comes to you with sweet adoration and thanksgiving over your love for him/her. That is your parenting payday. Imagine your teens future family growing into your gift of 62

being a grandparent. Your grandchildren love Jesus. That is your parenting payday. Parents, its worth the work. Dont give up. Your baby is now a teenager. Embrace this time. Enjoy this time. Lead this time for the glory of the One that gave you this time. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8, ESV

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