PARENTS AND CHILDREN (15): HELICOPTER PARENTS (Ephesians 6:4) Our text is Eph 6:4: Fathers, do not provoke

your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This morning were continuing our study of how to instruct our children in the Lord. A new office girl was standing in front of the paper shredder, looking very confused one morning. Another secretary, walking by, said, Do you need some help? The new girl replied, Yeah, how does this work? The secretary answered, Its simple, and took the important report from the new girl and began to feed it into the shredder. The new girl said, Thanks -- but where do the new copies come out? Lack of proper instruction can be disastrous. Last week we looked at how we instruct by enlightenment (applying Gods Word to our kids hearts) and by everyday communication. Lets continue. 3. By Experience -- Responsibility (not overprotecting) Someone has said, Experience is a great teacher. God agrees. Gal 6:7, Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. Allowing children to suffer consequences is a great means of instruction. Experience is a great teacher because failure is a great teacher. A visitor to Thomas Edisons laboratory remarked on the huge number of failures Edison had encountered in his search for a new storage battery fifty thousand experiments and no results. Results? said the inventor. Why, I have gotten a lot of results. I know fifty thousand things that wont work. Failure teaches, but we shield our children from failure. Foster Cline and Jim Fay, in Parenting With Love and Logic make this very point with regard to children: Children will get more out of making their own decision -- even if it is wrong than they will out of parents making that decision for them. Sometimes that means standing by as our kids struggle to complete a task we could easily help them do or do for them. But our society is hardship-averse. Were soft. Rather than value the lessons experience teaches, we run defense at the first sign of trouble. Cline and Fay have a descriptive term for this: helicopter parents always swooping down to rescue Junior. They comment, . . . were constantly trying to swoop into our kids educational life, relational life, sports life, etc. to make sure no one is mistreating them, no one is disappointing them. We want them to just experience one unobstructed success after another. So true. John
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Ortberg in Leadership magazine tells of a mom who came trick or treating! Why didnt she send in her kid? Well, she was driving him so he wouldnt have to walk in the mist. But why not send him to the door? He had fallen asleep in the car, and she didnt want to wake him up. Ortberg says he felt like saying, "Why dont you eat all his candy and get his stomach ache for him, toothen he can be completely protected!" You dont have to be a genius to see whats coming next, right? This is the mom who will show up at school to explain why the assignments are too hard for her child, why he was justified to kick Janie in the shins, why it was the teachers fault that he could not complete his homework. And Dad will be at the Little league field explaining why Junior should be playing shortstop instead of right field. Helicopter parents. Bailout specialists. Unfortunately, they are actually penalizing their kids. Why? Because the real world doesnt work that way. They are wasting the first 18 years of their childrens lives in fact, worse, they are equipping them for a world that doesnt exist. The real world doesnt run on the bailout principle. Traffic tickets, overdue bills, irresponsible people, crippling diseases, taxes they are all realities these children will be ill-prepared to meet. Helicopter parents miss a golden opportunity to provide instruction of the Lord by means of experience and failure -- experience gives an eternal perspective. You reap what you sow. Sin has consequences. It always does. The sooner our children learn that, the better. When Adam first sinned, he blamed his wife in Gen 3:12: The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate. 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, What is this that you have done? The woman said, The serpent deceived me, and I ate. Adam says, It was all her fault that woman, the one You gave me. He didnt really care whether Eve or God Himself got the blame; he just wanted it shifted from himself. And Eve claimed ignorance. Hey, that snake really fooled me; not my fault. But it was too late. No excuses were allowed. God did not say, Well, okay, Ill give you a second chance. Or, Try harder next time. Or, Ill ignore it this time, but it better not happen again. Nothing of the kind, right? There was no rescue other than the ultimate rescue that would cost Christ His life. See, sin must always be dealt with at the cross. Excusing, overlooking, blaming someone else is not allowed. The only ultimate solution for Adam and Eve and us and our kids is repentance and the forgiveness bought by Jesus at the cross.

When helicopter parents swoop to the rescue, they actually point children away from the cross. Rather than teaching them consequences, they attempt to shield them from consequences. Instead of teaching them the need for forgiveness; they teach them that sin has no consequences and repentance is for others. Rescuing children confuses reality. We may not see it at the time, but we are building inside the heart of that child a sense of entitlement, a sense it irresponsibility, a sense that they are above the rules, which will ultimately affect not only their interaction with society in general, but far more importantly, their relationship with God. It will retard their understanding of sin, repentance, forgiveness and redemption. Teachers live in dread fear these days of the consequences of disciplining a child in their classroom. You can almost count on getting a visit from an irate parent with a million excuses why it couldnt have been dear little Mary or Johnny who caused the problem, or their actions were misunderstood or the rule was unfair, the discipline too harsh something. Let me tell you, in our family, if you got in trouble at school, you did everything you could to prevent Mom and Dad from finding out. EVER. The one thing you could be sure of was that whatever discipline the teacher imposed, it was going to worse at home, right? Thats just the way it worked. Mom and Dad not only believed in allowing experience to be a great teacher, they believed in giving experience a helping hand! May I urge you even if you think something is slightly unfair let nature take its course with your children at school. Stay out of it unless something truly abusive is going on. Shannon had eight kids. A friend noticed she always seemed to be shelling out money. One day he asked, "Whats this money all about?" Shannon replied, "We give our kids loans in the household teaching finance. Our loans are just like those at First National Bank, with due dates, promissory notes, and collateral. Why, the other day I repossessed a $79 CD player." "Must have been sad for the kid," the friend said. "Not really," Shannon replied. "Thats a gift to him because now my son, whos only 12 years old, knows all about the responsibility of paying back his loans. He knows all about promissory notes and collateral, even repossessions -- and it only cost him a $79 CD player. The neighbor kid," Shannon continued, "learned the same lesson when the bank came and repossessed his $4900 Camaro. Hes 26, but his parents protected him when he was young. My son has a 14 year head start on that guy." Experience is a great instructor. Use it! 4. By Empowerment -- Decision-making (aim to release)
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Empowerment. Gradually increasing a childs decision-making ability. This is a sliding scale from a child who makes no decisions on its own at age 6 months, to one who is making major life-changing decisions by age 18. We cant expect them to go from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds. To think that we can make all the decisions for our kids up to age 18 and then thrust the whole responsibility on them is ludicrous. Yet many parents, in their desire for the perfect children that they were not (!), make serious mistakes in this regard. Robert Lewis suggests that parents serve a role as coaches through age 12, as cheerleader/counselors from 13-18 and as consultants thereafter. The lines are not the definitive, but that give you an idea of some lines of delineation to work toward. This takes thought, because once your give away control in some area, it is tough to take it back. But when guidelines are established that hold a carrot of control out there when certain marks of maturity are met, this can be a very positive thing. In our society, children are typically too quick to want to seize control without having earned it, but parents are too reluctant to relinquish control under carefully structured guidelines. Its no wonder we have a generation of young people finishing college and then returning home. Theyve never learned to take responsibility to think for themselves, to earn their own way, to be an adult. Weve coddled them to death. The purpose of parenting is to release them to the control of their heavenly Father with as much maturity built in as possible. Psalm 127:4, Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of ones youth. Arrows are useless until released. And so we must gradually prepare our children for that moment when the final button is pushed and it is them and God without us as mediator. To be ready at that moment is the result of a lifetime of preparation, not a sudden change because someone has reached a certain age. Weve seen before how Jesus at the age of 12 left His parents to go dispute with the temple leaders. When His mother semi-rebuked Him, His response in Luke 2:49 was, Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Fathers house? A literal rendering is Did you not know that I had to be about my Fathers things my Fathers business. Beloved, He was growing, maturing, making decisions and placing himself directly under His Father. Now, he was not ready for release yet. We are told in verse 51, And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them (under their authority). And Jesus increased in wisdom
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and in stature and in favor with God and man. The process continued, but you can see that a lot of progress had already been made by age 12. Jim Fay says the most responsible kids he encountered during his three decades in education were at an inner-city school where he was assistant principal. They all hailed from federally funded housing projects. Those kids woke up in the morning without an alarm clock and got to school in time for breakfast without any assistance from their parents. They knew that if they got there, they got breakfast; if they didnt, they missed it. On the other hand he says this, The most irresponsible kids I ever saw were in an upper-middle-class suburban school. The first day of school, a thousand kids arrived in eighteen different buses. Half of these kids ran straight to the playground for some pre-bell frolic; the other half raced directly to the principals office to phone their folks for forgotten registration materials, coats, and lunches. He concludes with this comment, Responsible behavior has a direct correlation to the number of decisions children are expected to make. The more they make, the more responsible they become. Are our kids getting prepared? Our affluence often works against us here. The only decision some kids make is whether to play Wii, Gameboy or X-box. Something is truly lost when children are not responsible for yard work and dishes and other household duties. And giving them increasing responsibility for decisions is critical. Start simple. Do you want to wear the sweater or this coat? Fay and Cline point out that constantly giving children choices between two things has the added benefit of avoiding a lot of potential conflict. Do you want to do your homework before dinner, or at 7:00 when American Idol is on? Do you want to pick up your toys or hire me to do it? "Do you guys want to settle the problem yourselves or draw straws to see who sits by the car window?" Give them choices and then let them live with the results. Above all, make them responsible to God. Teach them the way of salvation by grace through faith. Teach them the necessity of confessing sin to keep up the relationship. Apply Scripture to every issue they face until they can recite it on their own and hear Gods voice for themselves. Empower them! 5. By Example This brings us to the heart of the issue. If you dont hear anything else I have said about parenting, please hear this. Your children will learn more by your example than any other thing you do. Your view of God will be their
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view of God. Your work ethic will be their work ethic. Your level of integrity will be their level of integrity. Your children will become what you are not what you say, what you really are. They come with these little invisible sensors that see right through every faade you put up; they see right into your heart second only to God. Make no mistake, they know exactly who you are, and in all probability, that is who they are going to become. So who are you? Really? Its possible that your children know even better than you, so it is time to get really honest. Paul urged the believers at Philippi in Phil 3:17, 17) Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. He came back to the same theme in Phil 4:9, 9) What you have learned and received and heard and seen in mepractice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. He instructed the young pastor Timothy in I Tim 4:12, 12) Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. By far the most important principle of leadership is example. Great leaders lead by example. And nowhere is this more true than in your home. Get example wrong and you can forget the rest. Your idols will be their idols. And intuitively, they will know what those are. Want your children to be dominant, competitive, selfish, me-first overachievers? Then make your career your first priority. Your kids will get it. You cant fake it with kids. Dont expect that they will pick up at church the values they dont see at home. If its not real to us, it wont be real to them. Whoever or whatever we idolize, they will idolize. Do we put sports, school, work, recreation, money, hobbies before God so will they. Want them to love their spouse? Then we must love yours. Want them to acknowledge when they are wrong? Then we must confess it when we have wronged them. Howard Hendricks says, Children are not looking for perfect parents; but they are looking for honest parents. An honest, progressing parent is a highly infectious person. Example is a powerful instructor. My nephew Michael was three years old when his parents got new Mickey Mouse sheets for his bed. They thought it would be a big hit. But little Michael took one look at that big mouse in his bed and starting crying. No amount of persuasion could convince him that it was safe to get into that bed. Finally, as a last resort, my brother, Paul, threw back the covers, jumped into the bed, pulled them up again and pretended
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sleep. In no time flat, Michael was in the bed and on his way to Never, Never Land. Example. Example is the most effective instruction there is. It works negatively too. It's 10 o'clock in the morning; Billy wants a cookie. He knows he can't have one, but that doesnt stop him. "Mommy, I want a cookie," he whines, pulling at Mom's jeans. "Billy, you know you can't have cookies between meals," Mom returns. "Now, run off and play." "But Mommy, I want one," Billy continues. "You can have one at lunch time. Now, off you go." "I don't want to wait. I want one now." Well, you can't have one." "But, Mom-m-my. I want one now-w-w!" Then it happens. Parents who tolerate whining from their children eventually whine back. "Will you stop whin-ing? Mom says. "I hate it when you whine like that!" No wonder the kid whines like a pro: hes got a great teacher. The instruction is, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. If example is the greatest form of instruction, and it is and if it is to be the instruction of the Lord, and it is then that means our lives must be a constant example of the Lord. Awesome responsibility. What they know of the Lord will be primarily what they see in us. How are we doing? Our ultimate gift to our children is our life. It can be a true gift or it can be a joke. Which is ours? 6. By Entreaty -- Prayer If example is the greatest human means of instructing children, prayer is the greatest divine means. I have left it for last because it is most important of all. If you are not praying daily and many times a day for your children, dont fool yourself that you really care and are doing your best. Beloved, prayer works and it the most critical element of all in raising children. So much could be said on this. I want to commend to you the little book on our book table by Paul Miller A Praying Life. He notes that when his children were 2, 5, 8, 12, 14 and 16 he wrote in his prayer journal, "March 19, 1991. Amazing how when I dont pray in the morning evil just floods into our home. I absolutely must pray! Oh, God, give me the grace to pray." Are you praying for your children? Miller goes on to say, It took me 17 years to realize I could not parent on my own. It was not a great spiritual insight, just a realistic observation. If I didnt pray deliberately and reflectively for members of my family by name every morning, they would kill one another. I was incapable of getting
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inside of their hearts. I was desperate. But even more, I couldnt change my self-confident heart. My prayer journal reflects both my inability to change my kids and my inability to change my self-confidence. Thats why I need grace even to pray. Are you at that same point? Paying lip service to prayer, but in reality clinging to the idea that you can do it alone? Miller goes on to say that God answered his prayer. The book has many illustrations that will not just encourage but overwhelm your heart. One simple one. He began to pray for humility for his oldest son, John. He saw the pride in accomplishment that exuded from his talented son. But rather than step in, he prayed. Then he reports, About six months later he [John] came to me and said, Dad, Ive been thinking a lot about humility lately and my lack of it. It didnt take me long to realize I did my best parenting by prayer. I began to speak less to the kids and more to God. It was actually quite relaxing. My question is, when was the last time you heard of a 16 year old being concerned about humility? Huh? When? That only happens by prayer, Beloved. Pray for your children, specifically, daily, earnestly. Pray before they are born, before they are even conceived and then pray for them every day of your life. That is the best parenting you will ever do. Conclusion In conclusion, let me repeat what I said earlier. Your ultimate gift to your children not your helicopter rescues; it is your own godly life. Listen to this powerful poem: I'd rather see a sermon / than hear one any day. / I'd rather one should walk with me / than merely show the way. / The eyes a better pupil / and more willing than the ear. / Fine counsel is confusing, / but examples always clear. / I can watch your hands in action, / but your tongue too fast may run. / And the lecture you deliver / may be very wise and true, / But I'd rather get my lessons / by observing what you do; / For I might misunderstand you / and the high advice you give, / But there's no misunderstanding / how you act and how you live. What example are we showing your kids that will gift their marriages 20 years from now? Will they be advantaged because of the legacy we have left? Will our sons be servant-leaders to their wives? Will they be able to pass on a godly heritage to their children our grandchildren? Will your daughters know how to love and respect their husbands and their children? And what prayers are we praying that will make them happy and godly spouses and parents in their own right? Its all part of the instruction of the Lord. The second phrase of Prov 17:6 says, . . . the glory of children is their
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fathers. Children take pride in and emulate parents. The NIV translates, . . . parents are the pride of their children. Parents are the pride of their children. Lets give them something of which to be proud. Lets pray.