A limerick was made for my clarinet, An instrument some folks are swarinet For it sounded so bad, That the

last one I had, The kittens were constantly barinet. _______________ A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections: Flute Brains, $1/lb Tuba Brains, $10/lb Percussion Brains, $5/lb Then he saw a sign that read: Clarinet Brains, $100/lb He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know hwow many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?" An oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several years, and the oboist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went off on break. The oboist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "left hand top, right hand bottom."

Did you hear about the 3rd clarinetist who claimed he could play 32nd notes? To prove it, he played just one. Guy goes into the john at the concert hall and takes a leak . Another guy comes in and takes a leak next to him but a fountain of pee goes everywhere including all over the first guy. Looking at the other guy's equipment he sees that it's full of holes! The second guy says that he has always had this problem. So the first guy gives the second a business card and tells him to go and see this man, to which the second guy replies asking "Is this a doctor?" "No, says the first guy, "It's a clarinet player, he'll show you how to hold it!" How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? You can't!

How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? Cut the noose. How do you know a clarinet player is playing loud? You can almost hear them.

How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house? They don't know where to enter and what key to use. How do you know when a clarinetist has died? The concertmaster moves them back a chair... How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet? Miss a lot of notes... How do you put down a tenor saxophone? Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

How do you put a twinkle in a clarinetists eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear!

How do you stop an oboe from being stolen? Put it in a clarinet case. How does a clarinetist get the best parking spaces? He leaves his instrument case on the dashboard. How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an orchestral third clarinetist? Confused.

Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health. Most clarinetists cant even reed music.

So, a clarinet walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" Or was that a horse? Never mind. The advantage of a banjo over a clarinet, on a cruise ship adventure, are obvious. If the ship hits rocks and begins to sink, a clarinet is usually too short to stand on the bottom and breathe through until rescue arrives; but a person might climb upon some floating wreckage, and use the banjo to paddle towards shore. What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. What do call a line setup by clarinets? A circle What do clarinetists use for birth control? Their personalities.

What do you call clarinet players? REED addicts What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet? An earache. What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain? An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist. What does a clarinet have in common with a lawsuit? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. What kind of calendar does a clarinetist use for his gigs? "Year-at-a-glance"! What uses do clarinets and saxophones have in hospitals? The saxophone is used to lull crying babies to sleep and the clarinet to wake coma patients. What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet. What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse? You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!

What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard? Vibrato. What's the difference between a professional clarinet player and a professional banjo player? About $50 an hour.

What's the difference between 1st and 2nd clarinet? A semi-tone. And the difference between the 1st and 3rd? A minute and a half. What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet? Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument. Which hospital should a bad-sounding Clarinet go to? Walter REED! Why are most clarinets black? So that they will be banned in California along with black-colored cars.

Why are there so many clarinets in a concert band? It increases the odds that one will play the right note.

Why aren't there very many alto clarinet jokes? Most people have better things to do with their time.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicap zones. Why does a clarinet disappear when it is left in a sandbox? The cats buried it. Why don't they make mutes for clarinets? It would be a waste of time--it would take a lot more than a mute to make a clarinet sound good!

Why was the clarinet invented? To make the oboe look good, mess up someone's fingers, and to ensure that there will always be someone to steal reeds from.