A Guide To Being Cool. Tuesday 23rd May 2006 @ 10:32 PM So you want to be cool, eh?

Well that right there is proof that you are not cool . If you were cool, youd not need to have some guide that tells you how to be coo l, you already would be cool. So, logic indicates that you are a loser. Probably a big loser. And big losers arent cool. So, keep that in mind, loser, because your e about to learn the secret of being cool! Ill act as your Sherpa taking you from the Valley of Pathetic Bladderwad like you are now all the way up to the top of the highest peaks of Cool Mountain! The first thing a loser like you needs to k now is what, exactly, it means to be cool. Coolness is not an easy thing to define, it has taken many brilliant mindsand ma ny years of tireless effort to pin down exactly what makes someone cool. Youre re ally very lucky that someone as cool as me is here and willing to help a loser l ike you out by telling you once and for all what cool means: One who is cool is better than those who are not. That is all you need to know. So to be cool, you have to make the uncool masses, or the sheep, think that you are super great, even if no, especially if you arent. Once you have convinced the sheep that you are be tter than they are, they will treat you well in the hopes that you will help the m become better. Now the question is, how can someone as pathetic and loserly as you (because you really are a loser, you know) convince the sheep that you are better than they are? Youd think it would be hard, what with you being such a loser, but it really is so simple that even you can do it. Check it out. How To Be Cool! (in three ea sy steps)Step One: Start Smoking. Everyone cool smokes, this is a scientific fac t. Think of the coolest person that you know. That person smokes. See? Amazing i snt it? Also cool are Nuns that cant spell the word Bible. Smoking creates this wond erful aura around you that makes you irresistable to the sheep. They see the blu ish haze surrounding you and they smell the sweet aroma of your coolness. If peo ple try to tell you about the downsides of smoking (as if there could be such a th ing) then you must ignore them. Even if smoking were bad for your health, that w ould not be an acceptable reason for stopping. Doing things that are bad for you is like rebelling against your own body, and rebels are cool. (Need proof that rebels are cool? Consider Star Wars. It had rebels and was cool.) Step Two: Use The Following Phrases. Sprinkle the following phrases into your everyday convers ations and youll have it made! You aint lyin!This is a phrase that comes in handy whe n you need to clarify that the person speaking to you is not lying. Heres an exam ple of how it could be used in an everyday situation. Pete McFurby: Man, its cold today. Jack Cool: You aint lyin! Pete McFurby: Whoa! Youre cool! You could totally tell that I was stating a fact. I wont even lie! Jack Cool: I wont even lie, its cold today. Pete McFurby: Whoa! Youre cool! You said that you wouldnt lie, thus removing any d oubt I had about the veracity of your statement. You dont even know! Jack Cool: Im freezing over here, you dont even know! Pete McFurby: Whoa! Youre cool and I dont even know why. Step Three: Tell People That You Are Cool. If youve followed the other steps cor rectly the groundwork will have been laid. Now you can easily force your opinion of self-coolness upon the sheep. But you cant just come out and say Im cool!; you n eed to be subtle. Heres some ways to suggesty your coolness in a more covert mann er. Make frequent references to smacking losers upside the head. This will help pe ople see that you are anti-loser. Refer constantly to the fact that you were rai sed by apes. If you say this metaphorically it will imply that you are cool. If you can say it honestly, then youre clearly cool enough and not reading this arti cle anyway. Which is a shame because I wouldve asked if you ever flung your feces . Tell people that you are not down with God. God, being the Man, represents all that people dont have, so anyone not down with him is like the ultimate rebel. I f anyone makes the claim that God gave you all that you do have, reply to them t husly: You can lick my freakin ass, Girly. Suggest subtly that you are a clone of W

alt Disney. But remember to be subtle. And so, once youve finished those three st eps, you too can be cool! Im glad I could help out a bunch of stupid pathetic los ers like you. Keep reminding yourself Coolness is Cool! Patrick D Ryall, the D is for MississippiPosted on Contains2: Tuesday 25 Februar y 2003