APolyfora Partner

A POLY FOR A PARTNER
Coping with polyamory, when youre not polyamorous
A Poly for a Partner Copyright 2010 Deb Burns. All rights reserved
A V ER Y Q U I C K V I EW
There are a myriad of different forms of polyamorous relationships, in fact stick to the definition alongside and pretty much anything goes. For the purposes of this book however, you are probably being faced with:-
Polyamory:ENGAGING IN MORE THAN ONE INTIMATE, LOVING RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME WITH THE CONSENT AND HONESTY OF ALL PARTIES
a partner wanting to take another lover (a V); a partner wanting to include another lover into your relationship (a triad); or a partner wanting to hook up with another couple (a quad). Polyamory seems to have emerged in the late eighties and early nineties. Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart published an article entitled A Bouquet of Lovers in the neo-pagan magazine Green Eggs in May 1990 and this is generally acknowledged as one of the first appearances of the word polyamory.
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http://www.polyamorouspeople.typepad.com/
SO YOUR PARTNER IS POLYAMOROUS?
Chances are you are in a fair amount of shock. Even if you had heard of polyamory before this coming out, you probably considered it a fringe activity, or as my daughter says, abnormal. Your head is filled with questions like: There must be something lacking in our relationship? Is this an excuse to justify an affair? What will everyone think? How can they really love me and want someone else? I must be seriously lacking something to even be considering this? Where will this end up? What fills your head is often nothing compared with what fills your heart. Grief for the life you thought you had; would continue to have and everybody else seems to have. Jealously like you have never felt it before; jealously that makes you sick and unable to concentrate on anything else. The desire to run for the hills or get in the car and just drive. Anger and a desire to make your partner feel every bit as bad as you do. Self-pity, loneliness and sadness that makes you want to crawl into bed and never come out.
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Of course there are degrees of intensity in the way we all process the fact that our partner is polyamorous, but theres no denying it can be a very difficult thing to accept. And ultimately not everyone can accept it or make it work. To even have a chance at making it work Id say that the levels of love, commitment; patience; communication; self-awareness; empathy; trust, honesty and courage required are extraordinary. The only positive way through the mire is to unravel your hurt and fears one thought at a time. One tiny step taken in love will get you further than leaping anywhere in fear.
BABY STEPS:
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There Must Be something Lacking in our Relationship?

Your partner can love you intensely and can want to spend their life with you, without needing you to fulfil all of their relationship requirements or even relationship desires. Feeling responsible for being everything to your partner comes down to self-esteem. We have to accept at a deep level that we are lovable, desirable and needed, even though we are not perfect and may not be everything.
Is This an excuse to Justify an affair?

Polyamory requires patience, communication, integrity, understanding and honesty. If these arent forthcoming it may well be an excuse to justify an affair. New relationship energy (NRE) however, can get in the way and make your partner lose the plot for a while. This can be incredibly painful and intensify all the normal jealousies and insecurities. Try not to let it destroy you, or the vision you have
For many polyamorous people, their current relationship lacks nothing and yet they still have a need or desire for more, or for something different.
of your partner under normal circumstances If you can, stand back a bit and let it play out Your partner will not be able to give your feelings the consideration they deserve but you must stand firm and make sure that you do.
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Get some support for yourself from polyamorous people or mono/poly people. This may have to be online support. Many people latch on to the term polyamory, without really understanding its meaning, or how it works in practice. Do your own research, participate in forums, ask questions and educate your partner as well as yourself.
What will Everyone Think?

You can only know what everyone will think one person at a time. There is no blanket everyone, but rather everyone is made up of individuals. Just as not everyone knows everything about your life, it isnt necessary for you to wear a sign around your neck declaring that your partner is poly. The most important thing is not to tell anyone, unless you know theyll be supportive, until you feel really secure about your situation. People tend to project their own insecurities onto us, which inflames our own uncertainties and insecurities. The last thing we need when we are in the early stages of dealing with this is to feel like we have to justify our position.
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Most people currently in your life will have no experience of polyamory and so probably wont be able to give you valid advice. Use forums such polyamory.com or the poly/mono group at yahoo groups for support, venting and educating yourself. Many people on these forums are experienced in polyamory and very generous with their empathy and their time in replying to questions. You will also be able to read about positive real life of examples of polyamory working.
How Can they Love me and still want someone else?

As a mono in a poly relationship I have come to accept my partner, but I cant say that I understand him all that well. People experience feelings differently but it doesnt make them impossible or wrong. Some things just are and they cant necessarily be explained.
I accept that he does really love me because his behaviour proves that to me everyday.
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I must be seriously lacking something to even be considering this

Why? Maybe because if youve told other people theyve said things like: You can do better than that I wouldnt put up with that You deserve to treat yourself better than that No one can really know what they would do in your situation. Its very easy to espouse the culturally perceived high road when you arent emotionally involved and have no children or financial connections with someone. Everyones situation is unique and for everyone there will be upsides and downsides of leaving a relationship because its polyamorous.
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You can weigh up the pros and cons and there will be important lessons and growth experiences whichever way you decide. I chose to stay because: I have a wonderful relationship Im very relationship focussed I enjoy personal growth experiences I have a love that I feel it would be wrong to throw aside. If we are blessed with something and we send it back it may never come around again.
Where Will this end up?

Our culture gives us concepts that delude us into believing that we generally dont have to ask this question: A one true love, forsaking all others A marriage till death do us part Monogamy A religious framework to reinforce it all All these things help us to believe that if we have a good, solid, happy, healthy relationship and follow all the rules of hard work, monogamy and healthy boundaries we will of course end up together. But you only have to look at marriage and relationship statistics to see that having all these ducks in a row certainly does not guarantee that youll end up together.
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In poly relationships this is acknowledged as a legitimate question and people seem to address it in different ways. For many it is still most comfortable to have a primary relationship; which is seen as a life love in much the same way as any marriage or long term committed relationship. This primary relationship may however not be a couple; it could be a triad or maybe even a quad. For some their life love is not the person that they are currently living with or raising their children with. So where does this leave us? As with monogamous relationships there are no guarantees, every situation is different and I think the old adage rings true: If you love something set it free, If it comes back to you it is yours, If it doesnt it never was.
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WHATS IN THIS FOR ME?
This was one of my first questions when I was going through all the pain. Once I had accepted that my partner is polyamorous, to really commit to a life together I had to find some possible positives.there had to be something in it for me. I could accept myself as shell-shocked and a bit miserable for a while but I didnt want to be that way for the rest of my life. I needed to find some positives. Interestingly almost as soon as I changed my focus from just coping with the situation to actively engaging with it through forums and learning as much as I could about it I started to shift from grudging acceptance to feeling enriched.
Positives will be different for everyone and everyone has to seek out their own but here are mine to give you an idea of whats possible: My partner is happy My partner is able to love me at a deeper level because he feels understood and is very appreciative that I have made the effort to accept him We both feel secure in our relationship I get to communicate with interesting, intelligent people about relationships. I have something to write about that hasnt been done ten million times before. I keep growing emotionally It keeps our relationship interesting While I am happily mono at the moment if someone should enter my life that I would like to know on a
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deeper level there is nothing from my perspective that would get in the way Complacency is less likely to creep in I get to participate with interesting women who probably wouldnt otherwise have entered my life to the same degree. I am starting to feel compersion. Compersion is the feeling of empathetic joy and happiness for your partner when they are experiencing joy from a source other than you. I cant say that Im exactly feeling joy yet but I am feeling a deep sense of satisfaction that I am able to allow my partner to explore who he is without fear.
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INFIDELITY
Some people come to polyamory after already having an affair. This is more difficult to cope with because there are all the feelings of dishonesty and betrayal to get through as well as the polyamory issues. As this was not my experience of coming to polyamory I cant really give advice, only suggestions. People do get through it but, it is more difficult. Polyamory.com is an amazing forum with people who are experienced in making polyamory work. There are people on there who have worked through this and can give you real help in working through it too. Through all the grief and anger try and look at this as a very special time of life appraisal. Work out what you want your life to look like. Not in terms of who but it terms of what.
Even when there hasnt been any dishonesty in a relationship this is still a useful thing to do. Our relationship has always been very honest but I used this process. What I found was that what is really important to me is having a wonderful, loving, relationship; being happy, healthy, financially secure and working at something that is enjoyable and sustaining. I had the wonderful loving relationship; it was just the fact that my partner is polyamorous that was making me unhappy. So for me the challenge was to see if I could be happy in a polyamorous relationship. We did initially try my partner being monogamous but that didnt work. We accepted that he would have to work hard to find happiness as a mono, just as I would with him being poly. But it was like part of him that I loved was missing and I liked it less than him having his girlfriend. It was important to me that he tried.
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If you are considering asking your partner to try giving someone else up be very careful; that other person has feelings too. You could also bring up feelings of guilt and inadequacy in yourself and resentment and grief in your partner. This cocktail of emotions makes it very difficult for you to work on your own relationship. I didnt ask for a complete break in the other relationship but a pulling back to platonic friendship. While there is never really any upside of having an affair, there are a few positives in polyamory being the reason for the affair: If your partner has come out as genuinely polyamorous he still loves you and wants to work to keep your relationship together.
If you can accept polyamory he shouldnt be tempted to cheat (unless you put restrictions in place that are too severe). While all relationships have other issues, the focus of healing your relationship will be on polyamory and not on things you may have done or not done.
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MOVING FORWARD
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Introducing polyamory into a relationship is not an all or nothing thing that is imposed by one party onto another.
Jealousy
In polyamory, jealousy seems to arise as an overlay to
Polyamory is a lifestyle that you create together, from a space of love, at a pace that works for both of you. Whatever pace is appropriate the steps should be baby steps.
deeper issues that need to be addressed. In my experience those issues were issues which needed addressing irrespective of my poly relationship. For me it was that I was trying to give away too much.
Communication, patience and negotiation are paramount. In a mono/poly dynamic you start out by accepting as much poly as you can, while your partner copes with as little as possible. As you become more comfortable they can open themselves up to other relationships. This kind of approach will also quickly weed out the serious polys from the serious players.
My partner was going away to be with his girlfriend for four or five days at a time, leaving me alone when I had never lived on my own in my whole life. We negotiated and initially anyway, he would rather that she comes here and we go there together, than he makes shorter trips. I can live with this. A common reason for jealousy is when no allowance is made in the current lifestyle for polyamorous activities. For example, if you have a really busy lifestyle with
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children and other responsibilities, you need to be very careful about the time that is taken out of that current situation for another relationship. You built your lifestyle together so if recreational space is created for one of you, it must be created for both. Even this can be problematic in a poly/mono relationship. A mono often wants their partner in their recreational space, which means that the poly partner still gets double time, i.e. time with others and time with you. Your current lifestyle may need to be pared back so that one party doesnt feel left carrying an unfair proportion of the responsibilities. I dont feel satisfied swapping quality time with my partner, for time doing my own thing, so that he can have time with others. Our quality time together is very precious because he has his children come to stay every
second weekend and they are his priority then. We resolved this by identifying specific times that I was prepared to give up, e.g. midweek. As with any relationship it is important in a polyamorous relationship that each party is able to have their needs for intimacy and companionship met. In a poly/mono relationship the mono party is looking solely to their partner for their intimate needs and often more strongly for their companionship needs. It is important that the poly partner understands this; although as with everything poly it will always be a compromise.
JEALOUSY SALVE
Like all things this too will pass
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Vulnerability and Insecurity

Will a mono person in a polyamorous relationship ever completely leave these emotions behind? I dont know. I certainly dont enjoy these feelings, but I think maybe that experiencing them is part and parcel of growing the heart muscle. I believe that to deeply feel love we have to also feel our own vulnerabilities and insecurities. I still remember the intense feelings of love I had for my daughter when she was a baby. I experienced similar feelings then: fear of something happening to her and my own vulnerability in not being able to protect her.
I tell myself that dealing with these feelings is necessary in strengthening my emotional heart muscle in order to be able to love and be loved more fully. The only proof I can offer in support of this theory is that I am loving more and feeling more loved all the time.
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WRAPPING IT UP
I hope this little book has been useful. It would have been useful to me a couple of years ago, and this is certainly not the end. I have no illusions that by reading this anyone will have their relationship fixed. Rather I hope that it gives you the initial understanding and the tools to continue on your journey in a less painful, more enjoyable way. I have listed some useful sites Ive found below and please feel free to ask questions, share stories etc on Polyamorous People. Things really started to turn around for me once I accepted that my partner is polyamorous and engaged positively in online communities. I am however, by no means an expert and in terms of this book that is a good thing. Some days I feel exhilarated, enriched and deeply satisfied by this polyamorous life that I live as a result of my
partner; other days I still feel that it is all too much and I wonder if I can continue. The second kind of days are getting fewer but they are the days I can still relate to my first weekend of jealousy and the feelings of insecurity and confusion loving someone who also loves another can bring up.
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Useful links
Loving More FAQ Franklin's Polyamory FAQ PolyamorousPeople Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality's Info on Polyamory
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A POLY FOR A PARTNER

Coping with polyamory, when youre not polyamorous

SO YOUR PARTNER IS POLYAMOROUS?

There Must Be something Lacking in our Relationship?

Is This an excuse to Justify an affair?

What will Everyone Think?

How Can they Love me and still want someone else?

I must be seriously lacking something to even be considering this

Where Will this end up?

WHATS IN THIS FOR ME?

Vulnerability and Insecurity

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