Flirting Dear oh dear oh dear. I've seen an awful lot of guys trying to flirt with girls.

Walking up to a girl and saying 'You're fit' doesn't work, yet still they persi st. Learn from your mistakes, and from the mistakes of others! Learn to flirt pr operly: Who you should flirt with. What not to do. How to tease. How you should view yourself when flirting. The most important thing to remember about flirting is that it doesn't necessari ly mean you intend to sleep with that person. It's a way to be close and friendl y with a person you barely know, though it must be appropriate. Your boss? No. T he 50-something secretary? Yes, if for no other reason than it's a good idea to have secretaries (and receptionists, security guards, cleaners and caretakers) o n your side. Your girlfriend's Dad? You really need to ask? Your girlfriend's si ster? Sure, after a few glasses of wine, so long as it's clear you have no inten tion of trying to seduce her. Personally, I see nothing wrong with flirting with co-workers, female friends, or even gay men, and I've done all of these. None o f these people have really thought that I wanted to be intimate with them but it 's fun and friendly. Best of all, it's great practice for when you do want to at tract someone. So, let's assume you've met an attractive lady who you'd like to get to know bet ter. You start by complimenting her, because it's polite and women love complime nts, right? Let's look at a case study, of someone I knew called Tom. He was inf atuated with a girl I knew, and she was undeniably beautiful. He followed her ar ound, did pretty much anything he could for her, and told her things like 'Your eyes are as blue as the Mediterranean.' I swear I'm not making this up. He totally emasculated himself and got exactly nowhere. Sure, she was good frien ds with him, but he was essentially a shoulder to cry on; a reliable, steady, de pendable person who she would never think of in a sexual way. You do not want to be this. As Gavin McInnes (Vice Magazine) notes, if you find yourself in this s ituation 'you're basically Ducky from Pretty in Pink.' Confusing, eh? Within the seduction community (yes, there's a seduction communit y and no, you don't want to know) this is known as supplication. You're doing ev erything a woman wants without her ever needing to give you anything in return, and this is not flirting. Flirting is a two-way process and requires both people to make an effort. If you forget this key point you're not flirting, you're was ting your time. So if being nice to a girl is a non-starter then you need to be a jackass, right ? After all, although women may say they like men with intelligence and a good s ense of humour, they often seem to go for arrogant gits. Well, sorry, but this i sn't quite right either. What women really find attractive, more than anything e lse, is confidence. Unfortunately, arrogant guys have this in spades, so you nee d to beat them at their own game. Being a jackass isn't a stable foundation for a relationship; being confident, cool, and behaving like a gentleman is. The key difference between you and the arrogant guys is that you are going to be nice to the women, though not until they earn it. I'm going to assume you've al ready read my guide to approaching women and you're OK at getting to the point w here you're embarking on a conversation. So you're talking, and you need to give her a way to earn a compliment. Be cheeky. It's fun. If she hasn't really smile d yet then say something like 'Y'know, I bet you've got a really nice smile.' Sh e'll smile. Trust me. Here's the clever bit; first you smile to show her that yo u like her smile and reward her, then you jokingly say something like 'Nah, actu

ally I was wrong, maybe you shouldn't do that again.' I know, confounding isn't it? If she looks annoyed then it wasn't clear that thi s was a joke - practise in front of the mirror if you really need to. If she can tell you're joking then she'll act disgruntled and maybe hit you in the arm, bu t she'll still be smiling. Yes, you just insulted her, but she's smiling. This i s flirting. Essentially, you tease each other. For every two steps forward you t ake one step back. Maintain good eye contact (as I've said previously, if you ha ve trouble with this then look at her mouth instead). You're not just giving her everything she wants, you're encouraging her to chase you to get compliments. I f she does something really cool then say you think so. To balance this, go easy on complimenting her appearance (anyone could get that haircut, but not anyone can tell the funny anecdote she just did). Your entire vibe throughout this experience should be fun, lightly sarcastic, an d occasionally silly. Don't be planning in your head a sequence of a hundred thi ngs to say, just go with the flow and enjoy yourself. Flirting is fun, so don't make it into a chore. Don't give up everything you have too early; you should be ever so slightly out of reach. Initially, it shouldn't even seem like you're ta lking to her for any other reason than it seemed like it might be fun. If her fr iends are with her then flirt with them too, even if you're not interested. Flir t with them more than her and she'll feel compelled to work harder for your atte ntion. Your side of the conversation should steer clear of any unpleasant subjec ts, and sport. Desperate Housewives, Big Brother and The OC are always good fall backs if you're stalling. Keep the swearing heavily in check. Gentlemen shouldn' t really swear at all if they can avoid it, but I'll concede that under rare cir cumstances it may be necessary. If you do, make sure you don't shout it and get at least one polysyllabic word close to it to remind your audience that you're a n intelligent individual. Don't be afraid to say things that aren't true. If she asks what job you do, the n 'Rocket Scientist' is fine as long as you're not actually a rocket scientist. The aim is not to make her believe you're a rocket scientist; it's to be silly a nd funny. For goodness sake don't go researching what a rocket scientist really does, because it's far funnier if you're obviously trying to make it up on the s pot. As seduction expert Mystery says, 'It's not lying; it's flirting.' Mystery also has a great analogy for flirting. If you give a piece of string to a cat it ignores it, but if you dangle that string over it's head, just out of r each but close enough to try to grab, the cat goes crazy for it. You need to be that dancing string. You need to be the prize. You shouldn't be throwing yoursel f at her, you should be encouraging her to throw herself at you. Don't be afraid to tell her how to do this. If you've got a really good vibe going then saying 'OK, I've been talking to you for ages; I think it's about time you bought me a drink' can work wonders. At the very least, you're teasing her a little more and you can back down and go yourself to show you were just kidding around. If you can push it then get her to go to the bar for you. It demonstrate serious confid ence, gets you a drink, and places value on your company. In essence, what you're doing here is using the tricks women use when flirting. You're turning them back on the lady you want to attract. Men don't do this, and as a result any guys who do practice these skill effectively elevate themselves above the herd. This idea is at the core of being a gentleman, so make sure you r flirting reflects what a great catch you are. TOP TIP: Don't ever say you're desperate about anything. Desperate to get a CD or see a f ilm or whatever? No! Skip other negative words too, and don't be afraid to work words like 'excited', 'thrilled' or other positive stuff in there. Thinking abou

t this stuff will keep you clear of depressing conversational topics as well as subliminally getting her brain in a good mood. Where to Meet Women Well, this is an easy one, right? Find the biggest cheesy nightclub you can; one with cheap drinks, pounding house music, and girls dressed in as little clothin g as they can get away with. See, simple; hundreds of potential mates, drunk and apparently 'up for it' - surely it's just a matter of statistics and increasing your chances? Sorry, but you're wrong. Let me explain: Why nightclubs are a bad place to meet women. Alternative and original locations. Modern, comfortable bars - the places you should be looking. Finding a lady to approach. Firstly, let's think about the environment. Can you actually hold a conversation in a club like this? No, of course not, because it's far too loud to hear prope rly. It's hard enough to order a drink and no-one looks like a gentleman when th ey're having to yell at a person stood a foot away from them. You can't talk properly in this situation, so how else are you going to attract ladies? With your awesome dancing skills? If you're a bad dancer then it's not g oing to happen. If you're a drunken dancer then that's even worse than simply be ing a bad dancer. So perhaps you're a great dancer then? Close your eyes and pic ture a man with stunning dancing skills in the middle of a dance-floor, shaking his stuff. Are women flocking to him in your imagination? Nope; they're either i ntimidated or repelled by the self-obsession. Finally we should consider the women. I'm sure most men have, at some point, had girls dance sexily with them. You think it's your lucky night, then either they move on leaving you confused or you make a move and are shot down. What went wr ong? Well here's the thing; men primarily see dancing as part of courtship, whil e women can view it as either courtship or as something approximating a game or sport. To put it another way, you like football, they like dancing. So why are they dressed like that? Isn't it designed to attract men? Well, yes a nd no. In the same way that dancing has a single purpose for most men and a dual purpose for women, the way women dress isn't purely for men. It's also for wome n. In the same way you might compete with your friends to see who's best at Tekk en, women compete over their outfits. Granted I'm simplifying the matter (and ye s, if you've just got a great shirt you would probably not want to meet your mat es only to find one of them wearing the same item) but I'm trying to illustrate the difference between male and female attitudes in this situation. Lastly, in clubs like this there's a lot of drunks. This includes the women. A d runken woman is not the sort of lady you should be trying to attract since she's unlikely to be behaving like a lady and frankly there's something a little cree py about trying to attract someone who isn't in control of their faculties (even though you, of course, are wise enough to not drink heavily). So nightclubs only have large numbers and alcohol in their favour. What are your alternatives? In short, women are everywhere. When you start to think about it like this it's something of an epiphany; rather than only seeing a few hours at the weekend as an opportunity to charm ladies, you should start looking at every day as such an opportunity. The office, the supermarket, the queue at the post office. As you start to consider these new opportunities you should begin to notice some

offer more women than others. The sorts of places where you're likely to find a nd be able to strike up a conversation (see my hints for approaching ladies) are unisex, relaxed, and have a variety of people in your age group. Cafs, bars that have plenty of seating and that aren't too loud, shops, or even trains or plane s. There is one significant advantage that all such places have over the meat-ma rket nightclub: Ladies are far less likely to expect you to approach them and try to attract the m in these circumstances. It's important to separate yourself from the herd, to be individual, and to show that you're superior to all the other guys. Having the confidence and initiativ e to approach a woman when you're sober and she's not expecting it automatically makes it clear that you have these desirable characteristics. The place where you're likely to have most success is a modern bar. Ladies do no t view a traditional pub with a good selection of real ale in the same way men d o. They're probably drinking wine anyway. To digress for a moment, women general ly aren't too fussy about having fancy wines either - a nice Chardonnay normally hits the spot without them caring about the vineyard or vintage. It's important to find a bar with plenty of seating as well. While men generally don't mind st anding up for a while, women wear high-heels and would prefer to take the weight off if at all possible. So you've found a comfortable, unisex bar that's female-friendly, not too loud, and hopefully carrying a good selection of women. You've read and memorised how to approach a woman. All you need to do now is pick one. You could just go after the first one that takes your fancy, but it's better to wait. Look around until something extremely important happens; eye contact. Hold eye contact with the l ady, smile gently, and count to 3 elephants in your head before you look away as though you're a little embarassed. Wait a moment, then look back. You want to b e caught looking at her! No, not at her chest; at her face! Other species have t heir own courtship dances and humans have one too - eye contact is the first sub tle step. Of course, there's two other possibilities here. She may look away first. If the happens, keep looking. Nine times out of ten she will look back again after a m oment in exactly the way I suggested you look at her above. It doesn't matter wh o does this first step, simply that it's done. When she looks back at you, smile again. After either of these possibilities you should approach. The third possi bility is that she looks away before you and never looks back. This is less comm on. Do not try to attract her attention across the room in any way as it will ju st make you look foolish and desperate. Instead, simply try approaching anyway. Maybe it won't work but it doesn't hurt to try. For my final word on this topic, just one more piece of advice; if you still ins ist on trying to attract ladies in a nightclub despite my reservations then the best way to increase your chances is to once again separate yourself from the he rd. Approach them almost immediately after you arrive. Other guys will wait unti l they've had a few drinks so you'll be ahead of them, more decisive than them a nd more sober than them. Dutch courage is not attractive and not conduct becomin g of a gentleman. TOP TIP: As I've said in a previous article, women in a pair or group are more relaxed an d therefore more approachable even if this may initially seem more intimidating. If you only pay attention to the one you're interested in though, you'll shoot yourself in the foot. If anything, pay the least attention to her and get her co mpeting for you to notice her.

Little Things Women Notice, Part 1 As an unreconstructed man you may be used to farting, burping and scratching you rself in public, but if you're serious about becoming a gentleman these are thin gs you need to change. Preferably right now. It's nauseating, frankly, and I'm s ure your parents taught you better. There's more to it than this though. Most men won't notice a lot of the little t hings it takes to truly call yourself a gentleman. Women, however, are both our harshest critics and the most willing to reward us when we get it right. They do notice this stuff. It also helps grease the social wheels in general (eg. in in terviews, queuing for a coffee, being introduced to strangers, etc.). Before you take this list of things to heart though, bear one thing in mind; you want ladi es to respect you. Having good manners is fine, but running around after the app le of your eye complimenting her all day is supplication and it makes you look p athetic. Consider where to draw the line. Treat Everyone the Same: If you're only being polite to someone you hope to impr ess they'll notice it, making you look like a sneaky oaf instead of just an oaf. P's and Q's: Say 'please' and 'thank you'. Say it all the time. It costs you not hing and keeps everyone happy. This should be obvious but you'd be surprised how few people I hear remembering to say either. Hold Doors: Check behind as you walk through a door and if there's someone just behind then hold it for them. If there's someone a little further away but their arms are full then hold it a little longer. And while we're on the subject of d oors..... Let Them Out: Let whoever's inside get out. Better yet, hold the door for them i f you can. This counts for trains, buses, office blocks, bars, basically everywh ere. If there's double fire doors on a corridor (so technically both of you are indoors), then if the door opens towards you then you are on the outside. Even i f, in such a case, you're not on the outside, it never hurts to wait, or at leas t hold the door for them once they've got though. If anyone gives you any stick for this then say 'Tch, no wonder chivalry is dead if that's the response it get s.' Don't labour it, just make it light but serious enough that they start think ing 'Hmmmm, yeah....' Grey Hair or Pregnancy is a Free Seat Pass: It's a tricky one this, especially t he pregnancy one (it can, occasionally, be confused with obesity). But if it's a n old person (particularly old ladies) or someone who you think may be pregnant then don't mention why you're offering your seat, just smile and say 'Excuse me; would you like to sit down?' If they turn you down then that's their choice and at least you tried. If they accept your offer then feel free to feel a smug sen se of self-satisfaction as the other passengers either look on admiringly or gui ltily avoid your gaze. Keep it Clean: Not just your humour (though it's always good to know two clean j okes); I'm talking about everything else as well. First, your clothes. If it's b een worn then make sure you change it for something that's been in the wash. Thi s is especially true for underwear and socks. Consider buying a load more underw ear and socks if you run out too quickly (you can get perfectly good 3-packs of plain black socks in L1 shops - why pay more?). Polish those shoes too (with rea l shoe polish, not one of those sponges). Taking your car through the carwash co sts L3 or L4. Tidying your apartment is free - concentrate on the kitchen and ba throom first (people notice mess more in these areas), then the bedroom (for obv ious reasons), then lastly any other areas. Lastly, think about getting a tounge -scraper for when you're cleaning your teeth. Hold It: Your drink, that is. You're not a teenager, secretly drinking dodgy cid er in a field in the rain and thinking you're the coolest person on Earth (or wa s that just me?); you're a grown man. Act like it. The aim is not to get as drun k as possible as quickly as possible. Pace yourself. Don't feel a need to be a p art of every round, since that just means everyone drinks at the speed of the fa

stest drinker. If you feel yourself getting drunk too quickly then try drinking bottles of beer instead of pints. You could even experiment with other drinks, d epending on the company you keep. Wine is acceptable with a meal, a whisky and s oda is respectable at a bar. Just don't order anything that doesn't taste like a lcohol or that's served with a tiny paper umbrella. And over the age of 21 you'r e allowed to say no to the shots round. Smile: I'm not talking about walking around all the time beaming like you're a b it simple. Just be aware that your face, when relaxed, could be misinterpreted a s many different things (vacant/grumpy/not listening/etc.). Smiling just a littl e, like you've just remembered something mildly amusing about the person, object or situation in front of you projects an impression of relaxed confidence. Prac tice in a mirror. There's plenty of other things you can work on but I'm going to leave it at just these 8 for now and continue the list in a later article. Practice these until they become second nature. Look forward to opportunities to show everyone, parti cularly ladies, that you're an advanced individual, though don't milk it of cour se. TOP TIP: Normally I'd advise against vanity and being judgmental, but a little self-asses sment is necessary. Look at yourself in a mirror. Consider whether whatever you' re doing right now looks stupid (and, obviously, if it does then stop it). Then (now you're following my instruction to stay a bit more sober) watch what other guys do when they're drunk. Gets kinda ugly, huh? Resolve to never sink to such depths yourself. Introductions The best way to meet women is for a mutual friend to introduce you; this gives y ou an initial topic of conversation ('So, how do you know Steve?') and takes the pressure off you making a cold approach. Unfortunately, unless you have a wide circle of friends eager to set you up, thi s is unlikely to occur with sufficient frequency to keep you satisfied. You're g oing to have to introduce yourself to some strangers. The things you need to foc us on are: Dealing with being shot down. Appearance. Self confidence. Approaching. What to say. Now, it doesn't matter who you are, how good looking you are, how much money or power you have; at some point in your life you will be shot down when approachin g a woman. It's better to just accept this fact in advance, and a lot of men do. The trouble is that if you don't make some logical progression beyond the fact you're going to psyche yourself out before you've even spoken to your target. Here's the two key points that you should reach; a) It's all part of an elaborat e game, the mating ritual of our species if you will, and you wouldn't enjoy a g ame that was too easy would you? b) It doesn't hurt. Yes, maybe your pride may t ake a brief knock but you'll bounce right back in a week or a day or an hour or a minute and move right on. Don't obsess over it, accept what happened, try to l earn from it and look upon the experience as character building and as a mark of pride. If this hasn't ever happened to you at least once you're missing out on one of the great defining moments of your life. Embrace it! Of course, we'd like to reduce the number of times this happens as much as possi ble, so now it's time to raise your game. First, make sure your appearance is as

good as it possibly can be. What, you didn't think men were the only ones to ma ke judgements based on superficial attributes did you? Of course you'd like to g et to know her personality, and equally she'll want to find out more about yours before making any further judgements, but first impressions still count for a l ot so make a good one. This means you should be well dressed and well groomed. S ee other areas of this site for further information, buy mens lifestyle magazine s like Esquire and GQ, set your VCR for Queer Eye, but take care to get this rig ht and you'll begin to feel more confident. Speaking of confidence, the best tailoring and haircut in the world aren't going to get you anywhere if you're lacking confidence. I want you to go get a pen an d a piece of paper and write down all your positive attributes. Smart? Handsome? Funny? Well dressed? Good at cooking? Own your own apartment? Write down everyt hing. See? You've actually got quite a bit going for yourself. Now go and look i n a mirror, look yourself in the eye, read the list out loud, tell yourself that you've got a lot going for you. Then (and this is going to sound a bit weird an d American self-helpy but please bear with me) I want you to give yourself permi ssion to be confident. Say it out loud again whilst still looking at yourself. N ow straighten your posture, push your chest out and your shoulders back and say it again. Give yourself permission to achieve anything you want to. Give yoursel f permission to get the women you want. I know, it feels silly, but trust me that it will help. Don't be afraid to repea t this exercise every so often - maybe you'll even think of more positive things to add to your list. So, you're dressed well, you feel confident inside, so stand like you're confide nt. As I said above, straight back, chest out, shoulders back. This makes you lo ok taller, slimmer and more muscular, accentuating your shoulders and chest and pulling in your gut and backside. Swing your arms when you walk and take purpose ful strides. You should now look and feel more confident and the two things feed into each other, making each other stronger. All you've got to do now is bite the bullet and go to talk to that woman. Approa ch her as you would a horse - from the front but slightly off to one side so she can clearly see you. Approaching head on is rather intimidating, and from behin d will spook her and make you look sneaky. Lastly, you need to know what to say. Do not use some cheesy line. If someone us ed it on you, you'd think they were weird, and she'll think the same (see, men a nd women aren't that different). Keep it simple; saying 'Hi' and introducing you rself is a perfectly good option. That's the real hurdle done, but now you need to say something else to engage her in conversation. First, people are reluctant to get into long conversations with strangers so say you need to get back to your friends in a minute (not necessarily true but it w ill relax her) then ask her opinion on something. It really doesn't matter what you ask about so long as you keep the question open. Are you watching a band? Th en ask if there's any other good venues locally that she knows about. In a bar? Say you need a female opinion on your jacket/shoes/aftershave. Supermarket? Ask for help deciding which melons are ripe. Look her in the eye while you're talkin g but try not to stare. If you're uncomfortable with eye contact then when you b reak contact look at her mouth instead. Smile, be friendly, and with a little pr actice you should find yourself more relaxed and able to speak to her like anoth er human being.