Hilarious Quotes

I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde Get the facts first. You can distort them later. - Mark Twain Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. - Mark Twain Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. - Benjamin Franklin The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

Hilarious Quotes about Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously. - Oscar Wilde Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - Tom Lehrer Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. - Carl Sandburg Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. - Mark Twain Old age is fifteen years older than I am. - Oliver Wendell Holmes Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. - Truman Capote Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. - Woody Allen Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. - Woody Allen Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. - Charles M. Schulz Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. - Oscar Wilde

Hilarious Quotes about Love

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. - H. L. Mencken Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. - H. L. Mencken Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H. L. Mencken If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question. - Lily Tomlin Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. - Mae West

Hilarious Quotes about Marriage

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. - Groucho Marx Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police. - Anonymous Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for. - Mae West Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? - H. L. Mencken The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes." - Anonymous One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. - Oscar Wilde Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Hilarious Quotes about Friends and Family

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet. - Anonymous A true friend stabs you in the front. - Oscar Wilde Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support. - Anonymous

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

Hilarious Quotes about Business

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. - W. C. Fields Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. - Will Rogers Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves. - Zig Ziglar Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job. - Anonymous

Hilarious Quotes about Religion

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. - Woody Allen Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good. - Oliver Wendell Holmes For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-notworth-knowing. - H. L. Mencken Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - H. L. Mencken Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. - Mark Twain Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike. - Oscar Wilde

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. - Isaac Asimov Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. - Robert A. Heinlein Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good. - Oliver Wendell Holmes For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-notworth-knowing. - H. L. Mencken We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H. L. Mencken It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. - Mark Twain A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries. - Will Rogers Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night. - Isaac Asimov

Hilarious Quotes about Politics

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. - Winston Churchill A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. - Milton Berle Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. - Mark Twain Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. - Oscar Wilde You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. - Winston Churchill A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. - H. L. Mencken

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers We have the best government that money can buy. - Mark Twain Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. - Oscar Wilde
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. Fred Allen An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Laurence J. Peter Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures. Evan Esar So little done, so much to do. Cecil Rhodes
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."
Howard Scott.

"I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons."

Douglas Adams. Charles Lamb.

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." "In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."
Orson Welles.

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
Mark Twain (...more Mark Twain Quotes).

"The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege."
letter in the Times newspaper.

"In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything."
Harold Coffin.

"The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you."
Charles Dickens. Paul Goodman.

"Few great men would have got past personnel." "When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'."
Robert Morley.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours