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The Quest for Tranquility

"But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur'n nor acts on its orders, etc.) verily, for him is a life of hardship, and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Resurrection."

Introduction: Marital strife and discord When the wedding celebrations are over and husband and wife settle down in their new life, many find it is not what they hoped or expected. As the euphoria and novelty runs out and gives way to routine and normality the marriage relationship becomes a strain on both spouses as they struggle to get through life. Constant arguments, bickering and unhappiness pervades the atmosphere with little or no hope of a resolution. This problem in the marital life is so widely felt that we would scarcely find a person who does not know of a close family member or relative who is not in this predicament. We need to ask ourselves why is this? Did not Rasulullah (saw) say: Then Why do we have so many cases of wife battery? Why is there mistrust between husbands and wives? Why are more and more marriages ending up in divorce? Why has the peace and tranquility in marriages been replaced with constant fights and rows?

1. Cause is lack of correct criteria and values by which to regulate the


marital life: Lets look at the criteria by which we regulate our social affaires today: Asian culture and tradition: i. Criteria of sharam and izzah as defined by the mind eg girl should not commit zina but forced into marriage girl is expected to accept if she goes off with a man but ok if man does it

= this is contradictory and even violates Islam ii. Man is master and wife is slave

= result is an unhappy marriageespecially for the wife - hence girls growing up in this society do not look forward to going back home and getting married Or Western influence: i. ii. iii. concept of settling down Western style courtship: Friendship leading marriage For women Marriage is a obstacle to career so career Vs kids

Result is: identity which is neither Islamic nor western but a mish mash of both

2. Today the Muslims find themselves in a dilemma?


Do we stick to tradition or adopt western values? The Answer the West gives is reject the oppression of tradition and adopt our values and way of life

So west conjures up the images of the Taliban women who are covered head to foot, who should not be seen or heard. In their place we should adopt: Sexual freedom, love marriages, free mixing, ie a liberal lifestyle

Unfortunately many Muslims are unwittingly falling into this trap because they cannot stand the injustices of tradition.

4. Muslims should say none of the above: not tradition or Western values a) i. We must reject Tradition: must reject non-Islamic traditions of forefathers:

And when it is said to them: "Come to what Allah has revealed and unto the Messenger (Muhammad [saw])." They say: "Enough for us is that which we found our fathers following," even though their fathers had no knowledge whatsoever and no guidance! b) We must reject the western alternative:

From frying pan into the fire!

A western marriage: In the West a good marriage which lasts should be put on the endangered species list! How can the west present its values and criteria an alternative when it tops list for problems in the marital life

marriage 3. Divorce: half of marriages end up in divorce 4. Doubtful parentage (whose daddy?) Experts claim that Up to three million Britons may be wrong about who their real father is. According to Professor John Burn, who is from the Institute of Human Genetics in Newcastle: 5% of the population may have a different father to the one they think they are related to Why is this?

1. Marital discord..a battery incident every 18 seconds 2. Mistrust -70% of American wives commit adultery within 5 years of

Western ideas of Freedom and Benefit: produces a lethal cocktail which breeds certain type of Environment, Motivation and Attitude in which marriages are doomed to fail. For example Sexual freedom results in the promotion of sexual agitation which makes spouses always feel unsatisfiedthe grass is always greener elsewhere on the TV on the tube at work in the office in the supermarket

1. Environment: Constant sexual agitation in society:


its its its its

It is said a man thinks of the opposite gender every six seconds! So after all this, what is this man to make of his fat wife who does not conform to what the media portrays as beautiful? What is a woman to make of her husband who is not tall, dark and handsome? Result: Husband never satisfied with wife and wife never satisfied with husband.so he will go off with another woman How can a marriage last when this is the ENVIRONMENT? 2. Motivation: benefit and Sensual gratification: benefit as a criterion: whats to stop him from being unfaithful? There is no accountability. How can a marriage last when this is the MOTIVATION? 3. Attitude towards Zina: Adultery is a fact of life:

Adultery is termed euphemistically as a fling or one night stand whiles we Muslims describe it as kabeera sin

Adultery: It s is something to be envied It is something to be boasted about in office

It is glamorized in films, soaps, magazines

People are even writing books on how to perfect the skill of committing Zina:

Judith Brandt, the author of a new book promoting infidelity. The 50-Mile Rule contains Ten Top Tips for infidelity, including

1. Know your goals. What do you want to gain from your

infidelity: emotional support or sexual recreation? How many partners do you want? Who do you want? It's no use being vague. Focus. 2. When playing away, play far away. Never conduct your affair within 50 miles of your spouse and always hunt beyond your social circle. 3 Allocate time for your affair. Compartmentalise your two lives, don't mix them. Resist the temptation to draw up a timetable. 4. Practise safe sex. but avoid leaving clothes or your real name behind you.
How can a marriage last when this is the ATTITUDE towards ZINA? Let us look at the values and criteria of Islam and see how it regulates the marital life so as to create harmony between spouses. The Marital Relationship in Islam

1. Concept of marriage:
Current generation: youth today see marriage as a burden and social dutynot a Hukm ShaI, a solution which will bring tranquility As for Islam: Allah al-Khaliq says:

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. marraige is the source of sakeenah tranquility- hikmah of marriage Marriage is companionship where love and compassion results and not a convenient partnership for sex as in west or a slave-master relationship as in tradition

2. Concept of Rights & Responsibilities: a) b) West cites empty slogans of friendship and equality but truth is result is clash of roles because there is no defined roles: Islam: Both have rights over each other such that they complement each other and bring mutual fulfillment:

Allah (swt) says: "And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them, in reasonable terms." [TMQ Al- Baqarah: 228] Ibn Abbas used to say: Unlike the West where the man before marriage dresses up to go out to pull the birds but after marriage becomes a sofa slob!

3. What are the rights & responsibilities?


Husband: i. ii. Wife: i. ii. iii. Qiwaama; leadership of family Nafaqah:

Obedience: Ataaat balaha dakhalal jannah She obeys her husband Look after home ie housework Not to leave house without permission

4. Key point is: How are these to be discharged?


He (swt) said: "And live with them honourably". [TMQ An- Nisa: 19] He (saw) said: Indeed, the one most complete in Imaan and best in morals is the one who is the nicest to his wives In an atmosphere of companionship!

5. What are the implications of such a relationship?


a) Discharge rights reasonably eg dont prevent her from going out

Narrated Salim bin 'Abdullah: My father said, "The Prophet said, 'If the wife of any one of you asks permission (to go to the mosque) do not forbid her."

b)

Man is NOT ruler:

i. wife may disagree with husband Eg: Aisha and Umm Mubashshir Bukhari narrates that (saw) came in and put his hand on Aishas knee and whispered something in her ear. She placed her hand over his hand trying to push him away. Umm Mubashshar said; How could you do this to Allahs Messenger? The Messenger (saw) laughed and said: Daeeha fa`innaha tasnau haza wa ashadda min haza! Leave her; she does this and much worse! c) i. They should help each other in the rights and responsibilities:

help in the housework: kaana rasolullah fi mihnati ahlihi Rasulullah used to be in the service (mihnah) of his wives ii. Normal at home: kaana basharan minal basher yafli thawbahu wa yahlib shaatahu wa yakhdim nafsahu He acted like other men; he would mend his clothes, milk his goat and serve himself iii. Not complain about the food: Maa aaba rasoolullah taaaman qatt in ishtahaahu akalahu wa in karihahu tarakahu Rasulullah never criticized the food, if he liked it he ate it and if not he left it--------we go ballistic if there too much salt d) Closeness and intimacy:

i. spending quality time: as-Samr the after Isha chit chatting: The Prophet (saw) used to do Samr with his wives- chit chatting after Isha before going to sleep.he used to listen to them and tell them stories. - During the day wife builds up many issues she wants to discuss with husband..wife wants to download the stresses and difficulties and share them with husband but husband comes home and turns on the TV and ignores her.. ii. Joking and winning the wifes love: a) He (saw) said: kullu shay`in laysa feehi zikrillah fahuwa laghuw, wa sahw wa laib illa arbaa khisaal: mulaaabatur rajul imra`atahu [Nasai} He (saw) said: everything in which there is no zikr of Allah is nonsense, negligence and futile except four things: that a man should joke with his wife.. b) flour fight! Abu Dawud narrated that Aisha said: I came to the Prophet (saw) with some harirah (a dish made with flour and milk) that I had cooked for him, and told Sawdah (ra.) as the Prophet (saw) was sitting between me and her - Eat. She refused, so I said, Either you eat, or I will fill your face! She still refused, so I put my hand in the harirah and daubed her face with it. The Prophet (saw) laughed, put some harirah in her hand, and told her: Do the same to her! In another narration: He lowered his knee (moved out of the way) so that she

could get her own back on me, then she took some from the plate and wiped my face with it, and the Prophet (saw) smiled. Finally.The hadith of Umm Zara The Prophet (saw) used to chat (samr) after Esha before going to sleep. One night (saw) told Aisha the following story of 11 women in Jahiliyyah who met and promised to tell each other the truth about their husbands. The types of husbands described in this story can give us a lesson how to be and how not to be: Husband One: unapproachable My husband is like a bony camels meat at the top of a rough mountain. Neither is it easy to reach, nor meaty to desire acquiring. Husband Two: full of defectstoo many to count so she doesnt know where to start! If I start I fear I will not be able to stop. Husband Three: trigger happy with the divorce button and acts as if the wife does not exist! in antiq utallaq wa in askut uallaq If I utter a word, I shall surely be divorced. And if I remain silent, I will be suspended...lie laa yamootu feeha walaa yahya In another narration she said: I am always in such a state as if I am under a sharp sword. I do not know when my affair will come to an end. suspended ie nether married nor divorcedie never complements her, brings her flowers etc ie man think just by giving her food, clothing he has done his duty! Husband Four: Selfish, only thinks about himself.never asks his wife how her day was! in akala laffa .wa in shariba ishtaffa . As for my husband, when he eats he devours everything; when he drinks, he does not leave anything. When he sleeps, he sleeps in his own sheet. He does not even touch me, so that he can know the disturbance in my mind". Husband Five: Wife beater! shajjaki aw fallaki aw jamaa kullan laki My husband is extremely helpless and stupid. He would either cut your head, break one of your limbs, or do both to you Husband Six: Approachable Zawji ka layli tihaamah laa harra walaa qarra walaa mujaafa wa laa saama

My husband is like the night of Tihamah (Makkah and its surroundings) neither hot nor cold. In his company there is neither fear nor boredom Husband Seven: Confident and strong outside but gentle inside not like those husbands who are gentle outside but rough at home Zawji iza dakhala fahida wa in kharaja asida My husband, when he enters he acts like a (sleepy) leopard; and when he leaves he acts like a lion. Husband Eight: Kind & gentle zawji; al-massu massu arnab As for my husband,his touch is like that of a rabbit ie soft and gentle Husband Nine and Ten: both generous hosts He owns camels that are numerous in their sitting places, and few in the grazing areas. When they hear the sound of the lute, they become certain of their death ie he entertains his guests Husband Eleven: Umm Zara description of her husband Abu Zara a) description: My husband was Abu Zar and what would you know about Abu Zar! He made my ears heavy with jewelry, filled my upper arms with flesh (fed me well after my previous state of hunger), and honored me until my soul was gratified. He took me from among a people with very few sheep and tight living, and placed me among a people who had horses, camels, and cows. In his house, I spoke without being rebuffed, slept until late-morning and drank my fill b) sad twist to the story: Abu Zara divorces Umm Zara but she laments his good treatment: c) But Rasoolullah tells Aisha he is better to her than Abu Zara: yaa aisha kuntu laki ka abi zar li umm zar illa anna aba zar tallaq wa ana laa utalliq O Aisha! I am to you like Abu Zara was to Umm Zara except that Abu Zara divorced (her), and I will not divorce you. [Bukhari and Muslim] ie I am better to you than all of these 11 husbands! Lesson: we need to show by words and deed what a true husband who fears Allah is like. Conclusion: So next time you have an argument with the wife, and that is natural as Rasulullah himself had arguments with his wives, stop and think: what criteria are you referring

to resolve your problems? Is it tradition, the values of freedom and benefit or is it the Islamic concepts and criteria which is the only way to realize tranquility in the marital life?