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WINNING ARGUMENTS

By James Avery
Copyright 2007

1. Intro 2. Effective Communication


a. Your Actions and Needs b. Your Expectations from Others

3. Strategic Positioning
a. Intro to positioning b. The importance of using your memory c. Gloves on, gloves off d. How to create Quick witted comebacks

4. Expose your opponent


a. Letting things slide but remembering them b. False Statements c. Invalid proof

5. Confrontation
a. Engaging b. Understanding Human Nature c. Demanding respect d. Multiple opponents e. Smooth-talk your way out of trouble

6. Debating
a. Informal Arguments and Debates b. Proper Exchange c. The art of debate d. Statistics

7. Public Arguments
a. Types of Public Arguments b. Public Confrontation through Appearance c. Making exceptions

8. Family Arguments
a. About Family Arguments b. Some Common Family Arguments c. Some Uncommon Serious Family Confrontations d. Arguing with Children e. Arguing with in-laws f. arguing with a spouse

9. Arguing with Friends and Enemies


a. Enemies b. Close Friends

10. Personal Debate


a. Communicating your beliefs b. Keeping things civil while slaughtering your opponent

11. Personal Defense


a. Defending yourself against verbal assault b. Submissive positions c. Defense of appearance

12. Long Term Effects of Winning Arguments

1. Introduction
The word "argument" seems to be a fairly simple reference. Most would consider an argument a mere verbal disagreement. However, there can be a bit more to the term than the obvious. Let us take a look at other ways of saying the word "argument." There is fight, skirmish, misunderstanding, debate, fuss, melee, and run-In, to name only a very few. The list goes on and on. When you utilize the word skirmish Instead of argument, you do not merely consider it a disagreement of words, but physical violence perhaps. Other ways of pronouncing the word can change the meaning completely. This brings the subject of this book to a broader scale when we look at the possibility of a skirmish as opposed to an argument. Again, let us switch the words once more. This time, we will use the word debate. In the dictionary, this term means the same as argument, but when we consider a debate, our minds seem to instantly lean towards a political point of view. Thus, by arming you with the knowledge that this book is not merely about winning the occasional verbal confrontation, we present you with a number of often encountered situations in which you will be forced to argue, and ways to come out ahead when all is said and done.

2. Effective Communication a. Your Actions and Needs


You might wonder exactly what your needs and actions have to do with winning arguments. More often than not, most every argument will stem from your needs and actions or the needs and actions of another person who is instigating the disagreement. It is a very rare occasion for an argument to start over something that has nothing to do with either you or the person you are arguing with. To even stand a remote chance of coming out on top, or even breaking even, in an argument, you must first know the truth behind the argument itself. At this point, we will take a look at the more common ways that your own needs and actions can be the fuse for the argument. Defensiveness: You know that you are guilty of something, yet you would rather not admit it. Pride: A spin-off of defensiveness. You know you are wrong, but wont give in. Mood swings: You are going through a difficult time and your emotions are up and down, a roller coaster ride of sadness, anger and frustration, resulting in your taking it out on the nearest possible target Low Self-esteem: You need love and comfort, and the target individual does not even seem to notice. Frustration: The target individual keeps messing up, or just will not listen and you are fed up.

Lack of Respect: Someone, an employee, or a child perhaps, does not even pretend to give you the respect due to your position. There are plenty more, but these are a few of the more common causes. Once you understand that you can be the guilty party, or that the argument can be the result of something within you, you will have the leverage that you need to come out on top.

b. Your Expectations from Others


Utilizing the parent/child situation, we can see that expectations can be the grounds for serious arguments, and often are. We can see this clearly through the eyes of a parent. A Mom or Dad expects the child to do their chores, keep the grades up, and just show them the respect that a parent is due. You expect this simply because it is the way that things work in the ideal parent/child relationship. If the child brings home a progress report with failing grades, the parent is disappointed. This results in a confrontation. The key to winning this argument is not knowing what you personally expect from people, but making sure that they know what they are expected to do, how to act, and so on. Once you have impressed upon this other person that they are expected to do these things, that you are counting on them, then you have taken the weapon of, I didnt know or how was I supposed to know, out of their hands. Being oblivious is often a defensive technique in an argument.

3. Strategic Positioning
a. Intro to positioning Imagine, if you will, a game of chess. Two opponents sit down across from one another, each with their own strategy. Each individual will have an overall plan to win, but his strategy may change by choice or by force before the game wins. What it comes down to in the final moves of the game is the positioning of two to three pieces against one, the king. That is, at least, the goal of the winning player. Strategic positioning in a winning argument is also necessary. In chess, the players are often taught to think three moves ahead. As difficult as this may seem, it is entirely possible. If you can use this concept in an argument, the odds are that you will win simply because the other person will not be as prepared as you are, unless of course they have also read this manual. If you know the person you are arguing with, you most likely have argued with them in the past and pretty much know what strategies that they use in an argument. Armed with this knowledge, you can often foresee the direction in which they will take the discussion. Utilizing that, you can plan out a mental strategy to head them off at every point. Be prepared, or have a plan B in case this individual throws you a curve ball that you did not expect.

b. The importance of using your memory


Once more, let us assume that you know the individual that you are arguing with and their tactics that they often use. With this in mind, you can pick and choose points of conversation that your opponent has used. Let us say, for example, that the individual has mentioned several points that insinuate that you are untrustworthy. The first time your opponent hints at it, take note in your mind, but do not defend yourself against it at this time. When it happens again, take another mental note. Then, when the other person seems to be achieving the upper hand, toss out the points that you took mental note of all at once. Overwhelm them with their own insinuations and mistakes. Another way that your memory can serve you in an argument is when someone makes a point and later changes that point just a little. You have memorized exactly what he/she had said, so you can counter with that, along with your own point that your opponent is not making any sense, changing what they are saying. This throws your opponent off-guard as they try to defend what they have already said versus what they are currently saying. It puts you in the pilots seat, so to speak, and takes them back a step. c. Gloves on, gloves off Every argument begins mildly. Only rarely does an argument begin with an explosion of yelling, accusations, and screaming. Generally, however, it is fairly obvious if a mild conversation is going to evolve into an outright argument. When you become aware of the destination of your sharing of words, you need to immediately plan when you are prepared to go from the state of being careful of what you say to the point of saying what you feel. If you know for a fact that the agreement is going to escalate into an argument, then it can sometimes be a good idea to be the first one to take the gloves off and throw the first real solid punch. Remember, offense is most always better than defense. In an argument, it is up to you which end you will end up at.

There is something that you should consider before you throw that first K.O. punch. Words are not on strings. You cannot pull them back when you say them. Always be sure that your words will not do long-term damage that will come back to you later on at some point. On that note, it can occasionally be a good strategy to let the opponent throw the first gloves off punch. If the arguing individual says something hurtful, as painful as it may be at the time, it is inevitably ammunition for you to use.

d. How to create Quick witted comebacks


The Law of Conservation of Motion states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This law seems to hold true in your average argument as well. Every insult, every accusation, has a reply to it. You will never find an argument that is truly one-sided. Every point has a reply, a comeback. The truly effective comebacks are quick. This always throws your opponent off-guard. The most effective manner in which to arm yourself with quick replies is to remember that your opponent is as much a human being as you are. This individual is no more perfect than anyone else. For every insult that this person slings at you, you have a point to toss back. Utilizing the Law of Conservation of Motion, we can look at the human condition and see that every attack will have an equal and opposite possibility of defense that could turn into an offensive position. For example, this individual tells you that they just wish that you would consider their emotions. The equal and opposite reaction to this could be, And you are considering my emotions right now? Basically, it is a turn-around strategy. Usually whatever point that they are making, you can toss it right back at them. We are all less than perfect and most times it is our imperfections that are used against us, even though the individual pointing out our imperfections is just as imperfect as we are.

4. Expose your opponent


a. Letting things slide but remembering them You know when a person in your circle of friends and family is going to argue with you in the future. It is just the way of human nature. There are people who engage in arguments with you and those that do not. When someone that you know will eventually argue with you, you can store up ammunition. This might seem unethical and defeatist, but if you really want to win a battle, you must have a good store of ammo. Small things can be utilized to win arguments. For example, let us say that your spouse is often upset with you over your coming home late, or being late in general. Knowing this, you can be watchful and take note of the times that the spouse is late for something. Though being late really is not a big issue to you personally, remember these moments because eventually, when you are late and an argument ensues because of it, these instances will make great counters. It is basically using these otherwise unnoticed instances to state that your opponent is in no way better than you are. b. False Statements Sometimes arguments escalate to a situation where the two debating individuals are screaming at each other and talking at the same time, neither one making a valid point because the other is speaking and cannot hear them. This is pointless arguing. Though it may cost you a bit in pride, do not speak while being spoken too. While this sounds like just being respectful, it is, in reality, the act of providing yourself with leverage. In anger situations, people often blurt out statements. Occasionally, one individual will say something that is not true, or at the very least not proven or able to be proven. This is an automatic upper hand. During this instance, your opponent is throwing you a weapon. When stating that something is true, or making an unfounded statement, the person saying this theory or lie is the one that is responsible for providing proof. Therein lies your tool. It comes in the form of two words, prove it.

c. Invalid proof When your opponent does make a statement, and does manage to pull some last minute grasp at proof from within their angry minds, it is usually invalid proof. Often it is something like, Jane said or even, I heard This is evidence towards a theory, but in no way is proof and you should never let it be treated as so. This is merely second-hand information. The opponents use of gossip as proof is even suggestive that the source of the information is trusted more than you. This also gives you something to strike back with. You trust them more than me? When demanding proof, understand what defines solid proof. Proof requires the personal use of at least one of the five senses, most commonly the use of sight. Did the accuser actually see you do whatever it is that they are accusing you of? It is important to remember that any proof that depends upon the word of a third party is nothing more than insubstantial evidence.

5. Confrontation
a. Engaging You have been offended in some manner. It could be from any source, usually within your personal circle of family, friends, or co-workers. The person may or may not know that they have offended you. Now, what are you going to do about it. First, make a plan. The strategy is always the most important part of the battle. If it is an all-out shoot-fest, the odds of really scoring a victory are slim. If you have a well-considered battle-plan, you can take the enemy down hard and fast. When confronting someone over something that has happened or has been said, or in whatever manner that you have been wronged, always take the offensive. Any military commander will tell you that taking the first shot is best, and that keeping your enemy in a surprise mode is most effective. Let us say that the offender knows that they have offended you, a coworker for example. They see you coming from across the office, an angry look on your face. By approaching them in this manner, you have given up the element of surprise and given them a few seconds to prepare a defense. While this doesnt seem like much time, it is often enough to give them at least even ground, and sometimes so much as the upper hand. On the contrary, you want to be the confronting individual, and you want to do it in a manner in which they will have no chance to prepare. If you see the individual that you wish to confront, wait until a moment when they do not see you coming. Sneak up on them. Then batter them with your accusations. Ask them questions demanding an explanation, but initially, dont give them the chance to answer. Nail them with one question after another. Then, when you have asked every possible question that you want answered, or made every possible point, step back and give them a chance to defend themselves.

The odds are that, at this point, they have been taken so off-guard, so many accusations, points and questions asked of them, that they are speechless with no idea where to start. After a moment or two of stammering and stuttering, they might come up with some weak explanation or argument, but for the most part, you have won the battle without even being shot at. b. Understanding Human Nature The first thing to remember is that though every situation may be different, there are basics that hold true in all arguments. The one thing that is pretty much universal within everyone is that no one is guilty in his or her own eyes. We generally view others as the bad guys, the villains. The reality of these situations, however, tells us that everyone believes that they do what they are doing or say what they are saying because they are in the right. Even murderers attempt to condone what they are doing, usually to everyone, but at the least to themselves. In their minds eye, people just do not view themselves as the villains. Therein lies another key for victory in argument. The trick in a situation where you believe someone else is the bad guy is to show them evidence that they are in the wrong. Once a person believes that they might be, not necessarily are, but might be the villain in a situation, they are defeated. People just cannot accept being in the wrong, and if they are made to realize that this is the case, they will back down and attempt to make themselves justifiable. Once again, make sure that your evidence is obvious and solid. Your opinion will never hold up as solid evidence.

c. Demanding respect A key element to holding your own and eventually coming out ahead in any conversation is respect. In an argument scenario, if you do not demand respect, you will not win. There is only one way to truly demand respect in an argument situation. Most arguments are one-sided. Usually one person is doing the most talking, the accusing, and point making while the other is not even given a chance to respond. If you are on the latter end of the argument, you have to gain a foothold. To achieve this, you must demand respect, utilizing the demand part of the phrase most of all. Simply refusing to listen can do this. One statement could bring you to an even level with your opponent. I will show you enough respect to listen if you show me enough respect to lower your voice, talk to me like an adult and give me a chance to respond. If you do not give me that much respect and courtesy, then there is no point in this. I just wont pay any attention to you. When instigating an argument, a person insists on being heard. They want to have their say. If you refuse to listen without being granted your due respect, then the instigator will most likely back off a bit and give you time to speak.

d. Multiple opponents You are in a situation where more than one individual has gathered together because they all have a problem with you or something you have said or done. This can be a tense moment as there truly is power in numbers. You are instantly at a disadvantage. How can you possibly gain an upper hand or at least even ground in this situation? The way to manage this is not by bringing yourself up to the level of your multiple accusers/arguers, but by bringing them down a level. Ask them if their points are so weak that they need two, three, or five people to stand a chance? Propose that they are so afraid to confront you with their issues that they must gather a mob to do it. Ask them if they are that afraid of you? Then tell them that you will speak to them one on one when they finally have the guts to face you in that manner. Then simply walk away. This approach leaves you looking like the calm, rational adult and them feeling as if their points of argument are less than viable. They will also feel belittled. You have the upper hand without even arguing. Another bonus to this manner of handling multiple opponents is that when they come to you as singles, if they actually do, they will already be on the defensive end as you have successfully demanded that they respect you enough to come one on one.

e. Smooth-talk your way out of trouble This is almost ridiculously simple in the technique. Someone has an issue with you. They come to you, usually angered and ready to fight. In this scenario, you become the mature adult figure. You achieve this by, first, staying calm. Just sit there as they rant and rave, taking it all in. Maintain your composure and keep your expression blank. Do not look angry, hurt or offended. Nod at regular intervals. Then, when the person takes a breath or makes a final accusation, it will be your turn to strike. Begin by impressing your maturity onto the angered individual. Suggest that you both sit down and discuss this calmly, like adults. This is your first effective strike. Everyone wishes to be seen as an adult. If the individual dares to remain angry and yelling at this point, then in their own mind they think that they will be acting immature. In most cases, they will either walk away at this point or attempt to act more civilized. From this point on, simply use logic to point out your side of whatever situation may be at hand, and use phrases such as, Im sure you can understand, or If you were in my shoes. This forces the individual to take into account your situation, your point of view, and what your true motives are.

6. Debating
a. Informal Arguments and Debates Debating can truly be considered a friendly argument, if you are careful not to take it to a darker place. A debate is a conversation between two or more individuals with differing opinions on certain matters. Debates can be over religion, politics, moral beliefs, and many other subjects. A debate can actually be a healthy conversation. b. Proper Exchange To maintain a good debate it is critical that you understand the process of proper exchange. When debating, one must understand that his point of view is exactly that, a point of view or an opinion. Even if you are certain that your way is the right way, you have to understand that your opponent believes the same of his or her own way, just as adamantly as you do. Courtesy is the key to a good proper exchange. A good debate, formal or informal, should go something like this: Individual 1: States an opinion. Individual 2: States the flaws that he sees in the others opinion (calmly), and states his/her opinion. Individual 1: Addresses flaws stated by individual 2, states flaws in individual 2s opinion. Individual 2: addresses flaws stated by individual 1, proposes scenario with his/her own opinion Individual 1: Gives alternate proposal with his scenario. In this exchange, we see that the individuals involved in the debate get the flaws of each others views out of the way early on. The point where flaws are mentioned in others theories are where the biggest risk of the debate becoming an argument lies. Get that out of the way initially, but carefully, and then enjoy the debate with the possibilities of your own theories. In short, try to target the conversation on each person addressing his or her personal theories and ideas instead of attacking the other persons.

In addition, it is important not to hog the conversation. State your point and give the opponent his or her time to state their side. This is simply professional conversational courtesy and is key in a successful debate.

c. The art of debate A debate should never become a situation where two people are attacking each others ideas and motives, tearing each other apart with no particular end point or resolution. There truly is an art to a successful debate. Two or more successful and knowledgeable opponents engaging in a debate will understand that there is a time to speak and a time to listen. You should put a lot of accent on the listen end of that. Your best points will come to you from your opponents statements. If you are present just to make a point of your own, then why debate? Why not just say what you think and leave? A debate should have an even flow to it. Each individual should come to a debate with an overall point with several sub-points to justify the bigger picture. For example, two politicians meet in a debate. Their overall goal is to swing the public opinion more to their side and win an election. To do this, however, they must approach several sub-points, their views on certain ideas, concepts, and public agenda. To make the debate flow smoothly, the individuals will each take a turn to address their points as opposed to their opponents points. It is unacceptable to interrupt another individuals point to address something he/she said until it is your turn. Each individual should only take one turn at each point, and sometimes two at the most. Then it is important to move on to the next point.

d. Statistics If you want to make your point stick with an audience or listeners on a debate, you should always arm yourself with statistics. This serves two purposes. The first is to inform the public, without actually making a verbal statement, that you know what you are talking about. By quoting statistics, you are passing on the feeling to them that you are knowledgeable in your area. You are imparting upon them the feeling that you are a professional and an expert, therefore swinging the overall opinion to your side. The second is to let listeners know that you are passionate enough about your point that you were willing to research it in depth. If you are willing to take the time to look up numbers and even memorize them, then you might just be person they are looking to put the most faith in.

7. Public Arguments
a. Types of Public Arguments Of course there are many types of public arguments, They can be for unlimited reasons and result from numerous causes. Below are just a few to give you a basic idea. Political Scandal: An occurrence when a politician does something to stain his or her reputation or the reputation of the office that they hold. Hollywood Scandal: When a major star is revealed to be doing something far out of character or even illegal.

Environmental Situations: When an environmental activist group goes up against another group, usually industrially related. Legal Situations: When a lawsuit is filed or crime is committed that makes the headlines. Also covers moral decisions made by courts. Sports Scandal: when a sports personality or hero is caught doing something morally reprehensible.

b. Public Confrontation through appearance.


In public eyes, you are what you appear to be. Consider the Hollywood starlets as they walk down the red carpet. The reporters dont comment on the car that they pull up in, their height, or even their words. They are commented on for the way that they dress and wear their hair. The public sees individuals that carry themselves as winners and they see a winner. Your first point scored will be in your physical appearance. Of course, dont limit your personal appearance to the way that you dress, though it is an important factor in the equation. Also, make sure that your expression works with the situation. If it is a serious situation, look serious. If it is a situation that you wish the public to pay little attention to, joke about it and smile a lot, as if the situation were simply silly. c. Making exceptions Although this may seem a bit on the shady side, if you are in the public light and manage to get into a situation that demands that you make amends, it can be very helpful to look the part of one who is suffering from regret. If you show up at a press interview after making a comment about another public figure that you should have never made, looking dapper and happygo-lucky, then the public will in no way believe you when you make a public apology. However, if you show up for the press conference with a sad look on you face and a five-o-clock shadow, appearing to have lost sleep and felt torture over it, then they will more than likely accept your apology without question. Normally there would be no way that you would show up in public looking like this, as in a normal situation your celebrity status would be injured by it, but in this case is okay, even helpful, to make an exception.

8. Family Arguments
a. About Family Arguments On the home front is where you will find more arguments than anywhere else in the world. If you put a small group of individuals in a fifty by thirty foot box, then eventually someone is going to get irritated about something. Most family arguments are miniscule, over minor situations, and pass quickly. Occasionally, however, there will be a growing problem in the family that does not just pass into oblivion with time. Sometimes things get tense, and if handled in an improper manner, can end in the destruction of the family as a whole. b. Some common family arguments Children not doing chores or picking up after themselves Spouse occasionally missing a family duty, such as taking trash out. Not flushing the toilet Spouse forgot to pay a bill. Forgot to call the plumber/carpenter/roofer/etc. Children never go outside, but sit inside watching television and playing videogames. c. Some Uncommon Serious Family Confrontations Spouse is cheating Children are doing drugs Children are failing in school Spouse is suffering from an addiction Children are hanging around with a bad crowd. Different religions beliefs In-law problems Lack of attention to family/spouse

d. Arguing With the Children In regards to a parent arguing with a child, we must remember that we are the example for what our children are to become. If you have allowed your children to treat you with so little respect as to have a full out argument with their parents, then it is time to take the wheel and drive your family in a different direction. One of the early lessons that children must learn is respect. They get their first and most important lesson on this subject through their relationship with the parents. A parent is most often the most important individual in a childs life. If they will show a lack of respect to their parent, the utmost important
person, then you can bet that they will give even less respect to anyone else.

Teach the child that arguing with his or her parent is out of the question. The parent wants only the best for the child, and whatever the parent is telling the child to do is in the youths best interest. No arguing allowed! e. Arguing with In-laws An argument with your in-laws is more often than not, a pointless practice. The sources for arguments between you and your in-laws are far too numerous to even begin to name here, but most will stem from something that you do that they, in turn, consider unwise regarding a particular family matter. Before looking for a resolution, a way to fight back, first learn the reasoning. Your spouse was their baby before you ever came alone. For so many years they had this person to themselves. They protected them, guided them, taught them their ways. They made sure that your spouse was given everything that they could give. The person that they expected them to marry, and hoped for, is definitely not you. They wanted someone with more money, a better job, more handsome, more responsible, more trustworthy, etc.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that we are saying that you arent all of these things. Perhaps you are, but no one in the world could ever be what they wanted for your spouse. It is physically impossible. No one truly can live up to the expectations of their in-laws. You might think you are, but you can bet that they are disappointed in some aspect of where their child ended up. Try not to take it too personally as all this spawns from nothing less than pure love. Love makes you want the best for your children. Love makes you want more than what is possible for them. Understand that, overall, their motives at least are pure. During these situations, you really have to put your foot down, particularly if the situation from which the argument arises is none of their business. Arguing with someone over something that does not affect him or her at all is pointless anyway. Just simply refuse to argue, tell them that it is not any of their affairs, and walk away. Do this in an apologetic forgiving way. Start the conversation with, Im truly sorry, but End it with, I hope we can get past this. I truly do. Then go on with your life. Eventually, due to your common link that is your spouse, they will come around. It is vital that you handle this with tact as you are stuck with these people for the rest of your life.

f. An argument with a spouse When engaging in an argument with a spouse, go into the situation with the knowledge that you have to spend the rest of your life with this individual. With that in mind, be very careful and try to make this a gloves on argument, as opposed to a gloves off argument. If you are right about the subject, by all means press the point. However, make sure that the argument is worth the cost. Your spouse, if they truly care for you, will obey the gloves on rule also. If they do, then most arguments will end within a relatively short time period. If your spouse chooses to take the gloves off and tear you apart, you may be forced to do the same in defense, and this can lead to a bad end.

You will be the winner if you can manage to keep the gloves on, even while your spouse is verbally ripping away at you. If you can keep your cool, at some point in the latter end of the argument the spouse will realize what he/she said and feel great guilt over it. That is your winning moment. You will visually see it in their expression. Be prepared to take advantage of it if you truly want to win.

9. Arguing with Friends & Enemies


a. Enemies When undertaking an argument with an enemy, there is one outcome that is automatically set in stone. You will not change their point of view of you. An enemy is and enemy and no argument in the world will alter that point. So how can you win an argument with an enemy? The only true way to defeat an enemy in a verbal argument is through some of the factors that we have already mentioned. If you can take strategy, patience, and a solid offensive first strike and mix the three into one vicious game plan, then you can leave them stammering in frustration and anger. The only true victory that you can achieve over an enemy is to leave them speechless. b. Close friends When arguing with close friends, the best way that you can approach any situation is in the debate style. Use careful words, always reminding them of the importance of their friendship, and delicately tell them the issue at hand. They might become offended, but if you use this method, they will not become so offended that the friendship cannot be saved. As far as winning an argument with close friends, this can be touch and go. Sometimes to win the argument you will lose a friend. This is a win-lose situation. Like an argument with your spouse, before going in ask yourself if it is worth the risk. Is the matter at hand so vital that you are willing to take the chance of losing a good friend? Sometimes it is. It might involve family. If it does, then the family is far more vital to your future than the friend.

10. Personal Debate


a. Communicating your beliefs In communicating your beliefs in a debate about a personal matter, to maintain at least some semblance of peacefulness, begin the debate with those very words. It is my belief. While almost every point is arguable, your personal beliefs are not. One can attempt to state that your beliefs are wrong, but in the end, your belief is not a fact and is unalterable except by you. Also, as others cannot change your beliefs without your express consent, you cannot alter theirs either. When debating over beliefs, one must be aware that he or she is merely sharing their beliefs with others. When it becomes a situation where you are attempting to disprove their beliefs or make them believe yours, you will more than likely fail. There are rare occasions where you can actually alter the beliefs of others to match yours, but to do so you must have some pretty strong evidence that your beliefs and your opinions are more than that. You have to be able to physically prove them, and with a belief that relies on faith, this is impossible. On a final note on this subject, if you can spur the opponent into trying hard to disprove your belief, not prove his or hers, then, through research, they might actually take the work out of it for you and find that they are beginning to swing more towards your beliefs and opinions.

b. Keeping things civil while slaughtering your opponent You can manage to keep the yelling and screaming to a bare minimum, keep things civil, by your choice of words and your approach. In your choice of words, when someone tries to state a point that you disagree with, always begin your response with words of interest such as, fascinating, Intriguing, or even interesting. This keeps the civility of the discussion, while at the same time passing across the suspicion to your opponent that he or she is saying things that are uncommon and possibly not very likely. An excellent approach, while still maintaining civility, is through questions. If your opponent brings up a subject that you do not agree with, ask questions about it. Where did you get that information from? Who told you that? What do you base this on? and respond with the word, really? Once more, this belittles your opponent, but in a nice, non-confrontational way.

11. Personal Defense


a. Defending yourself against verbal assault Sometimes someone can begin an argument by surprising you. With absolutely no warning whatsoever, an individual can approach you without notice and began ranting and raving at you without giving you time to reply, not to mention come up with a defense. When this happens, the best defense is silence. Eventually, they will finish. While they are going off on you verbally, take that time to consider how you will turn the situation around on them when they are through yelling. When they are through, merely ask them if they are finished. They might go on for a minute or so, but will eventually wear out or run out of things to hurl at you. Then, it is your turn. By now, you should have a great strategy worked out. Nail them to the wall. Give them a little of the outright verbal assault that they just nailed you with. Wail on them as they gasp for breath because they just expended every ounce of energy that they had in berating you. It is a similar strategy that professional boxers use. They will guard their face and allow the opponent to begin throwing punches. The boxer will actually give the opponent obvious openings. After a few minutes of these ineffective punches, the opponent is worn out, breathless and tired. Then, the boxer will go into action, slamming the opponent with one punch after another. By now the opponent is far too tired to put up an effective defense, and they lose.

b. Submissive positions Unfortunately, sometimes we are at an initial disadvantage in an argument due to our positions. This situation generally happens in the work place when you have a superior that has issues with you, or just issues in general. Some bosses are angry all the time at everyone. Usually this is stress related. The proper way to handle a confrontation instigated by a superior is to do so in a professional manner. Be courteous and calm. As the superior is verbally assaulting you, take note of everything that he or she says. When this individual is finished, begin to explain each of the accusations in relation to company policy and personal logic. In the event that you are actually in the wrong, then simply be subservient. Drop your pride and pass out the yes sirs and no sirs. At the end of the conversation, apologize and assure them that it was a temporary lapse of judgment and that it will not happen again. The way to walk away from this situation feeling like any kind of a winner is to make absolutely certain that the superior does not seem to offend you by his words. At the end of the argument, smile and go on with your work. This might frustrate the superior, but you have done your duty and kept your calm and professional demeanor. If you would like to try to keep this situation from happening again after you have sent the boss away full of frustration, you can take it a step further. Visit them again, in a one on one setting. Approach them with concern. Obviously they are stressed. Even if they arent, most individuals in a leadership position tend to think that they are. First, apologize once more for your personal slip-up, then begin the extended solution. Begin doting over them a bit. Ask them if they are okay. Tell them that they are looking a bit over-stressed. Ask them if there is anything that you can do personally to make them feel better, or to just take a little stress off them. Be careful not to seem like you are trying to win them over, brownnosing as the term goes. Just try to come across as being concerned.

The next time you see them, ask them if they are feeling better. Then, as time goes by, if you arent careful you might actually begin to build a friendship with the individual. You will win them over, all from one argument where you were chewed out. Who knows, you might even become the next one up for promotion! c. Defense of appearance Just for example, let us say that you are shorter than most people, overweight, or drastically underweight. Any physical appearances can be utilized in this particular point. Someone begins an argument with you due to your appearance, most likely someone you know. Usually those outside your circle of family or friends will not dare to touch these subjects. If someone tells you that you are overweight and you should have enough self-esteem to do something about it, then they are instigating a possible argument. These are personal attacks, on an extremely deep level, and you must be careful not to allow this person to offend you deeply, or else you could respond in a manner that will leave you crying and depressed and the attacker thinking that he or she has done something for your own good that someone should have done long ago. You can win this one quick and easy with two responses. The first response in this type of argument is self-acceptance. Inform the individual that you are personally happy with whom you are, and that if it bothers them that much, you will be just as happy with yourself without them around. This response will be taken as an attack on the other individual, but an attack that cannot be defended against. or habit. The second possible response is the ever absolute, Is it really any of your business? This one will put the attacker off a bit as they realize that, in reality, it is not. They will feel that they have offended instead of helped you and will likely apologize or slink away feeling overwhelming guilt for their statement.

There is one other response, though we dont suggest that you use it unless you dont intend to have this person in your life much longer. This technique is called the three-sixty, in that you are turning the point around a full 360 degrees. When the person comments on your imperfection, pick out something about them that you have noticed that could use a little work. Laugh at their noticing of your problem and state that it is interesting that someone with a bald spot (for example) would notice your small weight issue. As we said, be careful on using this one, as the individual will likely be far too offended to approach you again.

12. Long Term Effects of Winning Arguments


Some of the subjects discussed within these pages may have seemed a bit selfish, somewhat overbearing, and even manipulative. However, the end result of utilizing these techniques tends to far outweigh the costs. Life Is one brutal situation after another. By the end of an average day, most people are tired, worn down emotionally, and even sometimes depressed. Life is hard. The only way to combat the effects of the cold world Is to believe In yourself. If you cannot defend yourself, you cannot believe in yourself. If you lose every argument that you are Involved In, your self-esteem will suffer. You will begin to believe what the argument Instigators are saying to you. You will, inevitably, feel like less of a person. On the other hand, If you win most, or at least some, of the arguments, you can maintain your self esteem. You can believe In yourself. You can be consciously aware that the world and the angry people In It are not enough to destroy you. On that note, It Is Important that you do not allow yourself to become that overbearing bully that thinks that he or she can overcome any situation and anyone, regardless If they are right or wrong. No one likes this personality In family, friends or acquaintances, and It can leave you lonely and miserable. We hope that this book will truly build you into a strong-willed Individual who can take what reality has to offer and leave it with a smile.

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