EDITED(BY(CHRIS( KITCHING(

FEBRUARY(2012(

Whats(Inside?(
Meet(Your(New(President!( Why(Furness(Is(Racist!(

Meet$Your$New$President$Angus$ Bowron!$
First(of(all,(a(huge(welcome(back(to(all(you(Furnessians(now(back(from(the(Christmas( break.(2012(is(going(to(be(an(exciting(year(and(I(cant(wait(to(be(experiencing(it(with( you(lot(beside(me.(For(those(of(you(who(dont(know,(I(am(Angus(BowronG(your(new( Furness(President.(I(feel(the(need(to(clarify(this,(as(I(have(been(asked(to(provide(birth( certificates(to(prove(I(am(not(a(Cartmelian.(Once(it(was(found(that(I(knew(what(banter( meant(however,(accusations(were(instanly(dropped.( ( The(truth(is,(Im(very(excited(about(the(year(ahead.(As(I(write(this,(I(look(over(from(the( JCR(office(and(I(see(an(overweight(builder(bend(over(to(retrieve(some(tools,(revealing( an(unholy(amount(of(arse(crack;(and(I(smile.(Not(because(I(like(arse(crack,(but(because( of(the(signifiance(that(these(overweight(builders(will(have(on(the(future(of(the(college.( If(University(standards(are(anything(to(go(by,(the(new(Furness(building(wont(be( finished(until(you(or(I(are(severely(decrepid,(however(I(feel(really(optomistic(that(the( work(will(be(completed(by(its(deadline,(unlike(the(majority(of(essays(I(have(ever(done.( Ive(always(thought(that(the(term(JCR(brings(about(a(lot(of(confusion(whenever(it(is( mentioned.(Some(think(it(is(elitest,(some(think(it(is(pointless,(and(some(dont(even( know(what(to(think.(During(my(time(at(Lancaster,(I(have(certianly(experienced(all(of( those(thoughts.(This(is(why(I(think(it(is(vital(to(establish(a(connection(between(the( JCR(and(all(members(of(the(college;(after(all,(you(are(the(ones(who(elected(us.(The( opening(of(the(new(common(room(space((large(room(directly(opposite(County(Bar( entrance)(will(be(a(great(way(to(reGestablish(these(relationsips(that(may(have(been( lost(with(the(closure(of(the(bar.(The(JCR(have(already(met(on(a(number(of(occasions( to(discuss(college(issues,(and(I(can(tell(you(that(there(will(be(some(real(postive(and( exciting(events(taking(place(for(Furnessians(to(get(stuck(in(to.( ( So,(enough(from(me.(Enjoy(the(rest(of(this(wonderful(edition(of(FURST,(whilst(I(lounge( back(in(my(presidential(jaccuzi,(smoking(tobacco(from(within(50(notes(and(gambing( college(money(on(foxybingo.com. Angus(Mandela(Bowron

Furnesss(Unsung(Hero:(Dave( The(Porter( Candlers(Badger(Banter( Rob(Clarkes(Return(to(Furst( Your(Horoscopes( What(is(Trev(really(being(used( for?( Matt(Barretts(Erotica(

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Furnesss$Unsung$Hero:$Dave$the$ Porter$by#Chris#Rawnsley#
It(It(has(long(be(wondered(why(such( copious(amounts(of(obscenities,( bestiality(activities,(aggressive(cock( slinging(and(naked(KY(Jelly(wrestling( occurs(with(such(vigour(on(these( prolific(grounds.(It(dates(back(with(the( origins(of(Furness,(what(the(makers( believed(to(be(a(simple(structure(and( just(another(college(to(be(part(of( Lancaster(University.(Perhaps(it(was(the( proximity(to(all(needed(necessities,( spar,(lectures(and(the(toilet(that(drew( such(unique(and(disastrous(souls( towards(the(buildings(of(Furness.( Others(have(speculated(that(the(blame( is(based(solely(on(a(few(individual(evil( souls(each(year(that(corrupt(the(masses( within(the(halls(and(drive(many(to( perform(indecent(and(often(illegal( activities.(But(few(knowand(all(fear.(It( is(place(where(a(15(hour(bar(crawl(is( welcomed(as(the(ultimate(challenge,( where(carrying(moonshine(around(is( now(an(expected(norm.(But(the(far(more( worrying(phenomena(is(the(culture(of( the(more(experiences(members(luring( the(naive(ones(into(the(culture(then( drive(them(to(surpass(the(current(level( of(madness(in(new(and(sickening(ways.( It(is(a(cursed(place,(where(even(after( youve(left,(its(infection(only(grows(in( hunger.(The(old(boys,(now(40G50(with( familys,(crawl(back(every(year,(put(on( the(Furness(FC(jersey,(beat(the(shit(out( of(each(other(and(divulge(for(another( year(in(the(frivolities(of(what(is(now( classed(as(The(Furness(Dream.(I(darn( go(too(far,(but(one(Don(Lad(of(the(old( guard(found(himself(one(on(one(with(a( at(the(time(current(undergrad(of Furness(a(few(years(back.(She(was(dealt( with(with(ruthless(experience(from(the( old(bull,(and(cast(aside(as(he(hunted(for( the(next(victim.(Another(old(Furness(FC( member(aged(27(still(carries(his(beer( bong(round(with(himat(all(times. (Ive(seen(another(been(told(by(the( doctors(if(he(drank(again(he(could(die,( to(then,(that(night,(be(seen(doing(a(dirty( pint,(with(nothing(more(than(a(smile(on( his(face.(Another(old(guard(who(drank( so(much(every(time(he(seshed(he(ended( up(urinating(on(the(bed,(his(mates,(so( sick(of(this(gave(him(a(dirty(pint,(of(6( different(peoples(piss,(the(man(took(the( know(luke(warm(glass,(maintained(eye( contact(with(all(6,(and(proceeded(to( down(it(in(one,(without(even(a(word(of( complaint.(Ive(seen(Rick(Candler(the( night(before(his(exams(hitting(the(sesh( with(perfect(form,(to(then(become( coiled(up(within(a(game(of(truth(or(dare.( To(those(outside(the(inner(ring(of( Furness,(this(is(a(game(for(children;( however(the(extremities(to(which(they( pushed(each(dare(set(precedent(for( numerous(laws(that(had(to(be(enacted( by(governing(bodies(of(Furness.(The( Dean(described(the(scenes(in(that(year( as(a(culture(without(order(and( discipline,(and(with(a(complete(lack(of( dignity(shortly(after(one(of(the(porters( caught(the(man(running(round(Furness( blocks,(naked,(wielding(a(hoover,( shouting(to(the(high(heavens(after(been( given(the(dare,(his(exam(was(due(to( start(in(2(hours.(( ( ( But(despite(numerous(men(and(women( of(terrible(corruption(coming(and(going,( the(one(thing(has(remained(constant( throughout(all(the(years.(Furnesss( Guardian,(The(Steward,(he(goes(by( many(names,(Deadlift(Dave(for(his( known(bodybuilding(career(as(a( younger(man,(Dave(the(porter,(Big(Dave,( he(has(numerous(names,(and(only(a( man(of(such(stature(would(have(been( able(to(endure(for(such(a(length(of(time( the(horrendous(scenes(that(this(culture( has(spewed.(Hes(watched(over(these( grounds(for(many(a(year,(through(thick( and(thin.and(it(got(very(thick(at(times.( When(a(live(chicken(was(put(in(one( furnessians(room(as(a(prank(he(was(left( to(find(it(a(home,(with(no(words(of(rage( muttered,(he(merely(looked(at(one( culprit(and(said(I(presume(you( wouldnt(know(anything(about(this( would(you(before(picking(up(the( chicken(and(leaving,(from(the(water( cannon(that(was(ordered(during(extrav( that(soaked(the(college,(to(the(catapults( that(where(build(on(all(4(buildings(in( standard(accommodation(as(a(vicious( war(broke(out(between(the(buildings.( To(the(dangerous(boat(game,(of(taking(a( 24(crate(on(a(raft(in(the(canal(and( downing(them(all(before(the(end,(hes( seen(it(all.(So(next(time(you(pick(a(parcel( up(and(Big(Dave(greets(you,(remember,( the(big(man(has(seen(it,(and(if(you(stay( and(listen(to(some(of(his(stories,(you( realise(hes(done(it(all(as(well. ( (( (

Horoscopes!
ARIES! Expect(to(contract(a(degenerate( disease( SAGGITARIUS! You(will(be(killed(in(Bowland( Tower( PISCES! Your(favourite(piece(of(clothing( will(be(damaged(beyond(repair( TAURUS! You(will(be(impailed(by(a(bull( and(die(of(internal(bleeding( LEO! You(will(lose(more(friends(than( you(gain(this(month( LIBRA! You(will(serve(time(for(crimes( against(humanity( SCORPIA! You(will(fall(off(your(chair,(at( first(laugh(about(it,(then(go(in(to( cardiac(arrest( VIRGO! Your(assignments(are( completed(on(time(but(are(subG standard( GEMINI! Relationships,(friendships,(work( and(sport(all(go(well(for(you(this( month!(

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Picture(right:( Furness(JCR( meeting12/01/12(

Why(Furness(Is( Racist.(

Oscar(Quaye(

( Human(Rights(Correspondent(

No Sir, I do not like grape soda, watermelon or sweet potato pie. On the other hand chicken and kissing my teeth are two of my favourite things! From the minute one enters Furness College one is submerged and engulfed within a torrent of white racial supremacy. The stench of injustice overwhelms my wide nose and only reminds me of yet another inappropriate joke I have heard in the past. Why Furness, why!? Why must I consistently be questioned on my body odour and ability to run quickly? Why cant one put two and two together and realise that if we as a race run so fast surely we are bound to perspire at a significantly quick rate. Nevertheless, my frustration has reached indescribable heights and it was only right that I shared my feelings with the Furnessian republic. In order for the college to move forwards we must loosen our racial quotas, that means no more restrictions on the amount of ethnic people in the college, no more bans on ethnic minorities joining the Furness sports team (we ALL know that the sports teams need our help to curb the woeful results that they suffer from week in week out), and most importantly no more bans on having more than one of each ethnic minority on the JCR. As I gaze at the board of the JCR I see a clear problem, where are my people? Why must we be ill represented on such a prestigious board? I dont blame the college, I blame LUSU. Their negligence and disregard when it comes to matters raised by a specific type of person (for legal I cant specify) has both hurt and appalled me. It is only when they see sense and decide to make a change that my community will finally liberate themselves. No longer will we be enslaved by the shackles of LUSUs secret legislation. We SHALL overcome!
(

Equality$is$still$a$good$ distance$off$for$racial$$ Minorities$in$Furness$

I must apologise for any offence caused in this article but these racial stereotypes and restrictions must come to an end. We as a race have so much more to offer than were given credit for. Having said that I would like to use this time to promote my upcoming album, Gun Fingers Will Set You Free. All of the mandem have worked hard on this and I think that theyre one or two hot cuts that you can bop your head to with collaborations with fellow members of my SDP gang; Pistol Starta, Stomach Ache and BarnDoor . My team is all about spreading the message, and the message is if we dont start getting the respect we deserve from LUSU and Furness then we wont be held accountable for our actions. Were willing to write up to THREE STRONGLY worded letters of complaint, and thats not a threat its a promise. (

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The(Origin(of(The(Text( Message(
By#Rick#Candler# Technology#Correspondent#

The(text(message(has(said(to(be(first(thought(of(by(the(romans(in(100(B.C.(as( an(alternative(to(the(carrier(badger.(The(problems(associated(with(the( carrier(badger(method(was(that(they(kept(getting(too(riled(on(route(and( kicking(off(with(everything,(both(inanimate(and(moving(objects.(The(most( famous(of(these(carrier(badgers(was(Billy,(Billy(badger(got(so(lairy(that(he( kicked(off(with(a(whole(IKEA(store(causing(much(anxiety(amongst(the( Swedish(people(which(then(led(to(the(demise(of(the(Roman(empire,(as(they( nuked(themSo(anyway(enough(of(the(historical(facts;(empirical(evidence( suggests(that(text(messaging(has(led(to(an(increase(in(venereal(diseases.( This(have(been(further(proclaimed(by(industry(experts(who(agree(that(too( many(people(are(sexting(which(is(where(the(phone(is(place(in(a(male(or( females(cavity(and(then(obscurely(filthy(texts(are(then(sent(leaving(the( participant(in(fits(of(pleasure.(This(is(where(the(phrase(Shit(a(Brick(has( been(coined(from(as(the(amount(of(pleasure(received(from(a(nokia(3310( would(usually(lead(to(the(sexual(deviant(anally(expelling(said(phone,(hence( shitting(a(brick([of(a(phone].(The(first(gauge(of(a(text(is(the(xs(at(the(end:(x(( The(single(lonely(X,(has(three(meanings,(male(to(female((or(vice(versa),( means(friends/acquaintances/someone(you(may(share(that(last(bit(of(ham( in(the(fridge(with.(Male(to(Male(means(that(you(are(tight,(shit(has(got(really( and(you(two(are(now(buddy,(whether(it(be(in(the(gym,(club,(the(abortion( clinic,(you(will(always(give(that(nod(of(approval(to(each(other.(Girl(to(Girl( means(you(can(paint(each(others(toenails(while(watching(the(twilight(saga,( genuinely(be(nice(to(each(other(whether(it(be(in(the(kitchen(or(laundrette.( Xx((Two(xs(mean(they(are(interested;(they(are(however(just(not(all(too( sure(whether(you(are(a(rapist(yet.(Whenever(you(two(are(together(your( concentration(seems(to(waver(to(the(nearest(bush(or(dark(alley;(somewhat( off(putting(but(still(commendable.(Xxx((3!(Double(meaning,(could(mean( porn(or(that(you(want(to(smash(that(persons(back(doors(in!!!(The(3(xs(is( best(used(in(this(context(Have(you(got(pet(insurance?(Because(your(pussy( is(gonna(get(smashed!!(Xxx(

Barretts!Disgusting!Erotica!!
By#Matt#Barrett#
Convicted#Animal#Rapist#
It(was(a(cold(and(chilly(Chinese(New(Year(in(Hull.(The(wind(was(howling(against(the(windows(and(the(hail(pouring(down(onto(the(old(white( patio(furniture,(which(had(seen(better(days(if(Im(honest.(However(inside(behind(the(steamed(up(panes(of(glass;(Alice,(Victoria(and(Rasheed( were(having(a(pork.(Rasheed(had(responded(to(a(polite(invitation(he(found(in(a(telephone(box(asking(for(men(to(help(a(young(girl(who( couldnt(find(a(partner,(who(offered(a(unique(experience(with(an(interesting(surprise.(After(a(quick(phone(call(he(ran(round(to(the(house(with( 12(cans(of(stella(and(an(CENSORED,(and(so(began(their(romantic(hour(and(a(half,(at(a(very(reasonable(price.(With(the(sound(of(David( Dimbleby(being(drowned(out(by(the(credits(of(question(time.(And(the(BBC(announcer(alerting(them(that(a(repeat(of(Dinnerladies(was(on( next,(Alice(had(her(legs(behind(her(head.(Her(hands(covered(in(Plum(sauce,(pancakes(over(stomach(and(a(sense(of(concern(as(to(where(the( crispy(duck(had(just(fallen(into,(she(lay(back(and(let(her(customer(get(on(with(it,(she(was(gutted(to(be(missing(dinnerladies.(Rasheed(on(the( other(hand(was(proper(going(for(it,(giggling(to(himself(as(Victoria(wood(delivered(another(fantastic(line(about(crusted(bloomers(and(really( getting(his(moneys(worth.(Meanwhile(Victoria(just(stared(at(him,(her(cold(eyes(seeming(not(too(blink(as(she(cast(a(look(over(him.(Shed( barely(said(two(words(since(he(got(here,(and(he(sensed(something(was(the(matter.(Still,(he(stuck(a(finger(CENSORED(just(to(make(her(feel( involved.(He(was(nice(like(that.(On(they(went(Alice(starting(on(the(spare(ribs,(the(sauce(dripping(down(her(body(and(making(Rasheed(feel(like( an(animal.(He(slyly(popped(in(a(polite(finger(and(pulled(out(a(bit(of(duck.(Alice(found(it(particularly(ironic(as(her(pet(name(for(her(chuff(had( always(been(her(mallard.(She(couldnt(wait(to(write(a(facebook(status(about(it.(A(guaranteed(12(likes(at(least(right(there,(she(was(delighted( and(faked(an(CENSORED.(They(continued(to(CENSORED(for(the(next(15(minutes(or(so.(Victoria(was(still(only(letting(out(the(occasional(grunt( and(fart,(she(wasnt(happy(at(all.(Alice(tried(to(jolly(things(up(a(bit,(but(sadly(the(prawn(crackers(kept(crumbling(as(soon(as(they(passed(his( rectum.(She(couldnt(help(but(see(the(resemblance(to(a(salt(grinder(whenever(he(stood(up.(As(they(continued(in(the(throes(of(ecstasy(and(ate( the(chicken(in(black(bean(sauce(of(Victorias(arse,(Rasheed(felt(he(was(truly(in(love(with(this(girl,(Alice(however(felt(a(strange(growth(on( Rasheeds(CENSORED.(Rasheed(got(off(Victorias(CENSORED(and(the(prawn(cracker(crumbs(fell(out(like(a(tiny(fishy(snowstorm.(As(they(both( got(dressed,(he(attempted(a(bit(of(small(talk.(Neither(of(the(girls(were(having(any(of(it.(He(offered(them(a(can(of(larger,(Victoria(just(blanked( him(and(Alice(told(him(to(piss(off.(She(was(knackered(and(had(to(get(Victoria(washed(and(back(to(the(morgue.(He(paid(his(money(and(walked( off(into(the(cold(gale(blowing(against(his(face.(Embarrassed(and(uncomfortable,(as(he(had(forgot(to(put(on(his(underwear.(He(hoped(he(didnt( catch(his(CENSORED(in(his(flies,(and(with(that(his(love(affair(ended,(with(just(a(rash(and(some(egg(fried(rice(to(show(for(it(and(planned(a( CENSORED(for(later.(

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MUSIC(IS(DEAD.(
A#Sobering#enlightening#of#the#current#state#of#music#by#Helen#Simpson#
(
You(may(think(this(is(a(rather(unusual(motion(to(put( forward(and(are(perhaps(wondering(why(music(is( dead.(Even(Annie(Lennox(said(WHY?(Why(would(I( like(to(listen(to(music(today?(I(WOULDNT(( However,(before(you(continue(to(read,(please(keep(in( mind(that(this(motion(refers(mainly(to(mainstream( music.( Now,(bear(with(me(whilst(I(address(you(on(the(hideous( state(of(music(today.(I(would(rather(put(my(ears(in(a( blender,(than(listen(to(the(abuse(and(noise(that(booms( out(like(a(rampant(riot.(You(can(hear(musics(worn(out( voice(agonising.(The(sound(of(pain(the(sound(of(pure( musical(agony,(clearly(heard(in(the(shrieks(of(Mariah( Carey.(But(what(am(I(saying?(How(DARE(I(disrespect( such(an(icon(of(music,(an(icon(who(earned(her(record( deal(by(sleeping(with(her(producer,(an(icon(who( earned(her(fans(by(having(breast(enhancement?(What( a(legend!(( However,(before(I(continue,(let(us(reminisce(on(a(time( when(music(was(pleasure.(This(was(a(time(when( Khachaturian(FLUNG(us(into(the(heavens(with(his( beautiful(( Adagio;(a(time(when(Marvin(gave(us(Sexual(Healing( and(the(Bee(Gees(were(Staying(Alive.((Music(could( transcend(our(souls.(It(gave(us(meaning,( understanding,(hope,(comfort(and(teased(all(our( senses.(It(played(its(way(through(to(the(very(end(of(the( 20th(century(with(such(dignity.(Every(powerful(note( manipulated(and(changed(our(perception(of(the(world.( Yet(what(a(shameful(contrast(we(have(now.(Hope(for( our(dear(friend(Music,(seemed(to(diminish(in(the( 1990s,(when(the(start(of(a(new(age(began.(An(age( when(quickly(manufactured(pop(acts(were(bundled( together(for(a(speedy,(high(profit,(ruining(an(era(that( held(Oasis(and(Pulp,(setting(the(industry(on(track(to( the(slaughtering(of(music(that(we(hear(today.(However( there(was(much(worse(to(come.(In(2009,(possibly(the( greatest(ambassador(of(music,(Michael(Jackson,(had( deceased(and(fans,(actors,(sisters,(brothers,(fathers(and( mothers,(worldwide(mourned.((Even(musical(theory( wept(off(its(page.(The(very(blood(of(music(had(spilled.( Music(as(we(had(known(it(died.(Jacksons(legacy(of( music(was(torn(by(the(controversy(surrounding(him.( How(sadly(revealing(it(is(how(gullible(people(are(to( believe(everything(the(press(churns(out,(ruining(the((
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( positive(messages(that(artists(try(to(influence(us(with( in(their(songs.(And(even(more(disgracefully,(we( continue(to(trample( the(grave(of(music( with(yet(more(abuse.( ( You(wouldnt(burn(the( wonder(painted(on(the( ceiling(of(the(Sistine( Chapel,(so(why(do(the( equivalent(to(this(art( form?( ( Well(my(friends(I(can( answer(that(G(celebrity( and(money.(The(quality(of(music(has(long(been(extinct( and(all(that(matters(is(the(appearance,(which(is(the( only(thing(that(sells.(Celebritysuch(a(cheap(irritation( of(fame.(Sadly(music(has(merged(into(celebrity,(taking( away(the(emphasis(from(the(art(form(itself.(Take( Jedward,((I(wish(someone(would),(as(an(example.(This( annoying(twosome(was(produced(by(the(X(factor( within(a(matter(of(weeks.(We(have(instant(mash,(just( add(water.(Now(we(have(instant(fame,(just(add(Simon.( Stardom(isnt(earned(as(it(used(to(be.(Artists(would( sacrifice(their(lives,(climbing(up(the(rocky(mountain(of( fame(to(either(fall(back(down(or(earn(their(right(to(a( record(deal.(Any(old(fool(can(get(a(record(deal( nowadays.(Its(ridiculous(I(tell(you!(The(only( outstanding(feature(produced(by(the(X(factor(is( Simons(teeth.(G(That(chunk(of(hunk(smirks(at(the(end( of(the(panel,(rubbing(his(hands(together(when(he(gets( an(attractive(act,(because(he(knows(that(when( something(looks(good,(it(smacks(of(money.( You(can(see(the(pound(signs(registering(in(his(eyes.( Anyone(of(you(that(watches(this(show(can(surely(see( evidence(that(music(has(lost(its(emotion,(and(richness,( becoming(shallow(and(manufactured.(Music(produced( today,(has(been(sucked(dry(of(its(professionalism(and( individual(spirituality.( The(future(of(music(lies(in(the(hands(of(you,(the(youth.( However,(it(would(seem(that(many(of(you(have(been( brain(washed,(grown(narrow(minded(in(the(world(of(
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music,(taking(cheap(acts(like(Steps(as(bait(for(top( producers(to(snatch(easy(money(from(you.(It(is(unfair( to(blame(you(though;(you(are(really(just(vulnerable( victims,(with(so(much(of(the(musical(past(to(experience( but(were(swayed(by(these(selfish(money(suckers.(( This(lack(of(variety(has(devastated(music(and(even( more(so(now(that(only(three(genres(dominate(the( charts,(Rock(Indie,(Club(and(RnB.(But(is(RnB(really( RnB?(Just(to(set(the(record(straight,(RnB(is(Marvin( Gaye(and(Otis(Redding,(not(Dead(Prez(and(WuGTang( Clan.((We(have(silenced(Blues,(Jazz,(Swing,(Easy( listening,(Alternative,(Latin,(Motown,(psychedelic,(( Punk(rock,(Punk,(Rock(n(Roll,(in(other(words(choice.( Only(real(Artists(Such(as(Barbra(Streisand(and(George( Michael(have(challenged(their(music(companies(to( produce(what(they(feel(to(be(musical(art,(not(money( making(claptrap,(and(were(triumphant(in(doing(so.(The( music(industry(actually(had(the(guts(to(say(to(these( icons(that(it(isnt(whats(selling(nowadays.(Funny( how(they(sold(millions(then(isnt(it?(( It(is(because(of(this(shameful(mind(set,(that(youth(of( today(actually(believe(Lady(GaGa(to(be(unique.(Well( has(Boy(George(got(news(for(you!(

promote(sex.G(Music(is(really(Durex(propaganda.(G( Wondering(what(Im(talking(about?(Well(then(take( Rihannas(lyrics.(Call(me(rude(boy(boy(you(should(get( it(up.(G(Well(thats(just(asking(for(a(condom!(Dont(we( have(such(dignified(role(models?( Are(the(real(role(models(and(legends(gone(forever?( Those(wondrous(days(of(voices(filling(the(air(with( sparkle.(Elvis,(Sinatra,(Diana(Ross,(have(you(really(gone( forever?( Maybe(computers(have(killed(them(off(by(letting(any( mediocre(person(and(mass(market(produce(hundreds( of(plastic(songs.(Maybe(as(time(changes(and(technology( improves,(music(will(constantly(change(style(and( method?(We(have(already(forgotten(the(old(crackling( sound(of(Vinyls,(the(Motown(sound(of(juke(boxes(and( the(80s(feel(of(cassettes.(G(Perhaps(it(is(a(fashion.((But( will(these(fashions(reappear?(Today(the(majority(of( music(is(computerized(with(fake(instruments,(loops( and(heavily(enhanced(vocals.(Do(you(think(that(the( future(will(support(an(industry(that(sells( computerized(voices(in(place(of(human(artists?GWhy( do(the(majority(prefer(the(sizzle(sound(of(iPod( earphones(to(the(quality(earphones?(They(cant(hear( the(true(quality(of(what(the(producers(and(artists(spent( a(year(trying(to(make(perfect(for(our(ears?(How(can(we( download(music(free,(as(if(it(is(worthless?(We(have( been(sucked(into(a(mad(world(of(celebrity(with(fast( downloads,(tweaked(and(replicated(beats,(plummeting( music(production(into(hell.(G(So(you(see,(as(sad(as(it(is( to(admit,(sophisticated(music(is(dying,(G(if(not(dead.( What(do(you(think?(

( Ever(heard(of(the(80s?(Now(theres(an(era(for(you.(An( era(along(with(many(others(whose(songs(have(been( copied(and(young(people(today(have(mistaken(them( for(todays(originals.(Surely(you(couldnt(copy(Da( Vincis(work,(so(why(is(it(acceptable(with(music?(How( is(it(acceptable(to(take(a(beautiful(love(song(such(as( Heaven(by(Bryan(Adams(and(sabotage(it(with(a(club( backing(track?(New(artists(cant(create(their(own( material(and(when(a(song(is(new,(they(take(the(credit( from(the(lyricist.(Perhaps(these(plastic(amateurs(are( too(busy(parading(about(designer(shops(enhancing( their(image,(to(actually(be(clever(enough(to(create(their( very(own(lyrics.(G(That(is(what(artists(do(isnt(it?(G(Oh( sorry(Im(mistaken.(It(is(in(actual(fact(an(excuse(to(
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2 1

RETURN!OF!THE! FURSTS!PRODIGAL! SON!ROB!CLARKE!

(( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

So,(having(driven(Furst(into(the(ground( last(year(with(four(issues(that(can(only( be(described(as(similar,(this(is(a(new( era.(Firstly,(apologies(for(that.(There(is(a( strong(chance(that(sections(of(it(were(as( riveting(as(Andy(Murrays(rap,(but( somebody(genuinely(once(told(me(their( mum(liked(it.(Secondly,(I(have(only( recently(realised(how(much(time(it( actually(filled.((( Ive(been(at(university(for(two(and(a(half( years.(Thanks(to(the(bumbling( microphalluses(which(make(up(the( almighty(fungus(which(describes(itself( as(the(Government(failing(to(provide( jobs(for(the(graduates(that(they(are(still,( as(of(this(year,(subsidising,(I(will(almost( definitely(be(forced(into(finding( alternative(activities(in(the(year(ahead.( With(there(being(an(extremely(strong( possibility(that(I(will(spend(at(least(part( of(next(year(as(one(of(the(United( Kingdoms(three(million(unemployed( scroungers,(I(intend(to(spend(every( penny(of(tax(payers(money(which(I( receive(on(beer(and(occasional(public( transport.(However,(this(is(unlikely(to( fill(all(my(time.(I(have(taken(the(liberty( of(drawing(up(a(list(of(potential(timeG fillers:(

Complaining.!Already(a(key(clause(in( my(personal(code(of(conduct,( complaining(is(the(best(method(of( pushing(problems(you(have(created( yourself(onto(others.(Easy(targets( include(public(transport,(stupid(people,( corporations,(and(people(you(have( never(met(or(spoken(to.(Finding(out( about(the(libel(law(last(year,(I(realise( that(we(must(all(be(careful.(An(example( of(libel(is:(The(sandwiches(in(LUSU( shop(use(some(form(of(limestone(rather( than(bread(and(their(fillings(are(more( akin(to(gravel(than(anything(that(can(be( said(to(be(edible.(It(is(completely(fair(to( assume(from(this(intelligence(that(the( entire(Union(is(corrupt.( Descend!further!into!alcoholism.! Thats(all.( In(other(news,(the(new(JCR(room(is( open.(Why(the(fuck(is(it(always(full(of( Bowland?!(Well,(the(actual(answer(is( obvious(and(strongly(related(to( geography,(but(I(propose(the(following( measures(to(combat(this(unwanted( invasion(of(those(that(have(only(one( toilet(per(18(people.(They(have(their( own(bar.(I(propose(the(following( measures(for(your(consideration(in( order(to(prevent(the(place(becoming(the( Jeremy(Kyle(shows(second(green(room,( because(short(of(herding(them(onto(a( boat,(sailing(them(into(the(Atlantic(and( then(paying(them(10(each(to(drill(a( hole(in(the(bottom,(the(situation(looks( perilous.(

LOOK!FORWARD!TO!CARTER!SHIELD!WITH!SAM!WALSH! SPORTS!SECRETARY!AND!LOVING!FATHER!!

2012(is(such(a(high(profile(sporting(year(for(the(country(in(many(ways.(We(have(the(taxGpayers(funded( Olympic(games(of(course(with(us(in(London(in(early(Summer,(along(with(the(antiGclimax(of(the(European( Football(Championships(to(no(doubt(get(annoyed(by.(Wimbledon(will(of(course(be(grazing(our(screens( and(of(course,(how(can(one(forget(the(Atlantic(ocean(slog(that(is(the(Ryder(cup(towards(the(end(of( Summer.(But,(alas,(prior(to(all(of(these(magnificent(tournaments(comes(one,(greater(than(all(those( mentioned(before(it,(fought(on(various(sporting((and(not(so(sporting)(platforms(right(here(in(Lancaster,( right(here(on(campus((right(here(in(Furness(even((it(is(of(course(the(Patriots(Cup(2012!(For(those(of( you(who(are(not(aware,(the(Patriots(Cup(sees(the(glorious(Furness(take(on(the(sloths(of(campus,(those( underdeveloped(things(from(South(West,(in(a(variety(of(activities(ranging(from(football(to(dodge(ball(to( boat(races(to(tug(of(war(to(table(tennis(and(all(those(pathetic(sports(in(between!(The(competition(is( fierce,(the(banter(is(crude(and(obscene(but(the(atmosphere(and(involvement(of(Furnessians(alike(is( always(fantastic.(Plans(will(start(to(be(published(to(you(all(very(soon(via(the(medium(of(video,(social( media(and(general(wordGofGmouth(so(do(not(fear((more(information(about(this(years(event(will(be( disposed(to(you(shortly.(Even(if(you(dont(want(to(take(part(in(this(years(competition,(your(support(will( be(truly(appreciated(and(will(hopefully(help(us(get(our(hands(on(the(coveted(Patriots(Cup.(Our(hate( campaign(will(start(soon,(so(those(of(you(full(of(banter(are(encouraged(to(contact(Sam(Walsh(on( s.walsh2@lancaster.ac.uk(to(help(and(also(at(the(same(address(if(you(wish(to(suggest(a(sport(for(this( years(competition.(We(will(fight(them(on(the(fields.(We(will(Fight(them(in(the(sports(hall(and(we(will( fight(them(in(a(bar(somewhere(on(campus(that(isnt(Trev(because(Trev(is(closed.(And(we(will(win.( Furness(needs(you.(

( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

(
!

WHAT(REALLY(GOES(ON(BEHIND(TREVS(CLOSED(DOORS( By#Rob#Wyllie#College#Perv#
Described(it(as(the(beating(heart(of(Furness(college,(a(mecca(to(all(things(Furnessian;(the(college(infamous( amongst(Lancaster(students(and(indeed(the(majority(of(the(English(speaking(world(for(its(name,(a(name(which( is(impossible(to(spell(without(fun.(I(write(of(course,(my(colleagete(companions,(of(Trevor.(Fair(Trev.((A(symbol( of(free(speech(and(liberty.(Even(though(the(planets(population(was(rising,(the(Eurozone(was(falling,(the(polar(ice( caps(were(shrinking(and(the(deficit(was(growing,(Trevor(would(take(care(of(us.(They(told(us(that(they(were( making(it(better.(They(told(us(that(everything(would(be(ok.(They(may(have(managed(to(pull(the(wool(over(our( eyes(up(until(now.(But(right(now,(this((author(is(going(to(blow(the(whole(scam(out(of(the(water.(The(truth(is( shocking,(maybe(too(much(for(some(to(bear.(But(then(again,(who(could(blame(them.(For(even(I,(the(unfortunate( bearer(of(such(terrible(news(wretch(at(the(mere(contemplation(of(the(fate(of(dear(Trevor(behind(the(scaffolding( and(blocked(out(windows,(and(I(fear(the(weight(of(such(calamity(mightve(broken(a(lesser(man.(Closed(under(the( veil(of(imminent(refurbishment(work,(our(magnificent(bar(has(been(snatched(from(us(and(given(to(the( lecherous(clutches(of(an(evil(and(insidious(cult,(a(cult(whos(members(appear(to(have(friends(in(very(high(places.( Rumours(of(JCR(involvement(my(not(prove(unforfounded(when(subjected(to(scutiny.((Upon(Trevs(hallowed( carpet,(they(perform(abhorrent(acts(of(sadomasocism,(bestiality,(promioscuity(and(incest(for(their(own(sick( pleasure.(They(love(the(way(that(the(fibers(of(the(formerly(furnessian(furry(floor(rub(their(naked(flesh(until(they( are(red(raw,(basking(in(sadistic(fantasy(within(their(new(stronghold(of(sin.((This(goes(on(my(fellow(Furnessians,( whilst(we(sleep.(How(do(we(allow(ourselves(to(sleep?(How(can(we(live(with(ourselves(knowing(that(we( abandoned(our(hallowed(drinking(hall,(a(place(sacred(to(and(cherished(by(all.(What(can(men(do(against(such( reckless(hate?(How(now(do(we(see(Trev(fall(into(such(depravity,(a(husk(of(its(former(glorious(self,(a(bastion(for( immorality(and(distopian(sexual(fetishes,(things(that(it(fought(long(and(hard(against.(Is(it(an(hour(of(Wolves( before(the(age(of(Furness(comes(crashing(down?(The(members(of(the(cult(must(be(found(out,(the(scandal(must( be(made(public.(This(article(may(prove(to(be(the(instigation(of(the(unraveling(of(the(greatest(conspiracy(in( Furnessian(History(since(the(Emergence(of(the(legendary(Stephen(John(Pauley.(Next(time(that(you(walk(past( Trev(late(at(night,(remember(what(hideous(happenings(may(or(may(not(be(occuring(at(that(very(moment,(and( although(it(may(make(you(shudder,(stand(firm(in(your(resolve(to(reveal(the(culprits(who(violate(our(bar.(
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( (

The(Film(Industry(and(Its(Decline(
By(Ben(McCarthy((The(Author(of(the(Well(Circulated(and(Universally(Criticised(Bevs(Hills)(

Films.(We(all(love(them.(Whether(you(are(into(action(flicks((hell(yeah!),(musicals((the(hills(are(alive(with(the(sound(of(shut(up),(fantasy(epics( (last( time( I( keep( a( golden( ring( found( on( the( floor)( chick( flicks( (ahh( Lindsey( Lohan( you( used( to( be( hot)( or( flicks( involving( 100( year( old( glittering(idiots(who(cant(act(stalking(17(year(old(girls,(everyone(loves(a(good(film.(( But(behind(the(scenes(of(modern(film(making,(evil(is(stirring.(That(evil(is(in(the(shape(of(greedy(corporate(bosses,(who(simply(have!to(have( money.(Not( enough(that( Hollywood(actors(and(big(time( directors(probably(collectively(own(more(money(than(Furness(accommodation(has( ever(claimed(off(students((which,(Im(told,(is(a(substantial(amount),(they(continually(strive(to(rob(the(movie(goer(of(their(hard(earned(cash,(or( hard(loaned(cash(in(the(case(of(a(student.(( Take( the( 3D(gimmick.(The(grossly(overrated(Avatar(brought(in(over($2(billion( in(the(box(office,(not(because(it(was(a(great(movie(with(an( interesting( story( (the( story( had( been( done( countless( times( before)( but( because( of( the( new( 3D.( Everyone( had# to( see( what( all( the( fuss( was( about.(3D(had( failed(before,(but( this(new( threeGdimensional( film( was(different.(It(started(a(growing(trend(that( refuses( to( die(until( this( day;( films(slapping(in(3D(on(a(poster(to(make(more(money.(( In(May(last(year(I(ventured(into(Lancaster(cinema(to(watch(the(new(Pirates#movie.(I(stupidly(chose(to(watch(it(in(3D.(And(if(the(film(was(bad,( and(it(was;(it(was(awful,(the(3D(was(worse.(The(only(thing(3D(added(was(discomfort(to(my(eyes(and(nose.(I(left(the(cinema(with(a(great(feeling( of(anger(towards(the(cheeky(tw*ts(that(had(promised(me(3D(Pirate(action(and(given(me(naff(all.(( Which,(of(course,(is(the(problem.(3D(is(there(to(increase(ticket(prices,(nothing(more.(Luckily,(this(seems(to(be(a(fact(that(is(very(blatant(to(the( audiences(of(early(2012,(with(many(choosing(to(watch(movies(in(2D(instead.(Despite(the(fact(that(the(movie(bosses(insist(3D(is(here(to(stay,( probably( the( biggest( name( in( film( right( now,( Christopher( Nolan,( has( refused( to( release( his( highly( anticipated( third( Batman( movie( in( 3D.( Ultimately,(this(is(a(sign(of(common(sense(sweeping(through(into(the(collective(consciousness(of(movie(lovers.(People(are(not(being(taken(in( by(it,(and(the(very(sad(fact(is(that,(when(done(properly,(3D(can(be(awesome.(Would(it(really(take(that(much(more(effort(to(make(a(proper(3D( movie,(instead(of(half(assing(it(for(an(extra(buck?(This(laziness(is(a(trend(that(will(only(continue(unless(future(film(makers(act(to(stop(it.(( Another(sign(of(great(laziness(is(reboots.(Reboots(upon(reboots(upon(reboots.(You(all,(no(doubt,(remember(Spiderman?#It(came(out(in(2001( and(spawned(two(sequels,(the(latter(of(which(was(released(in(2007.(Hugely(successful,(these(movies(brought(to(life(a(much(loved(comic(book( character( and( made( a( fortune( at( the( box( office.( The( movies( told( the( story( of( a( young( man( who( gains( extraordinary( powers,( becomes( a( superhero(and(does(some(cool(action(scenes.(Well,(guess(what(guys?(Theres(a(new(Spiderman(coming(out(this(year.(Its(plot?(A(young(man( who( gains( extraordinary( powers,( becomes( a( superhero( and( does( some( cool( action( scenes.( While( this( movie( does( look( good,( the( obvious( question(here( is(why(did(this(even( have(to( be(made?(We(saw(all(this(last(decade.(There(is(but(one(reason(why(the(reboot(is(happening:(its( green( and( has( Franklins( face( on( it.( In( fact,( so( confident( are( they( that( this( film( will( do( well,( the( sequel( has( already( been(confirmed,( seven( months(before(the(movie(is(set(to(be(released.(They(are(laughing(at(their(audience(there,(people.(( Unnecessary( sequels(are( continuously(belched( out(of(Hollywood,( such(as(the(Disney(madness(a( few(years(back,( where( everything( from(Cinderella#to(The#Lion#King#was(practically(arse(raped(for(a(quick(buck.(Paranormal#Activity,#a(so(called(scary(movie(that(had(me(laughing( my(head(off(pretty(much(all(the(way(through,(is(huge(sequel(bate.(It(does(not(matter(that(the(first(three(movies(where(average(at(best.(A(movie( these(days(does(not(have(to(be(good.(It(just(needs(to(make(a(lot(of(money.( It(saddens(me(to(see(an(industry(I(love(so(much(destroying(itself(with(its(laziness(and(its(disgusting,(transparent(greed.(For(example,(Shrek# was( a( hugely( successful( hit.( A( bit(of( time(spent(on( its( sequels(could(have( seen(a( really( awesome(movie( franchise.(Instead,( it(will( always(be( remembered( as( that( series( of( movies( with( the( one( really( good( movie,( and( the( rest.( Take( Toy#Story.# Time( and( effort( was( spent( on( both( its( sequels,( and( the( result( was( probably( the( closest( thing( to( a( perfect( trilogy( film( has( produced.( Shreks( follow( ups( where( rushed( out( in( a( desperate(attempt(to(make(money.(The(result(is(three(very(average(movies,(with(even(more(tired(jokes(than(my(emails.(( So,( how( can( we( keep( the( film( industry( from( destroying( itself?( Nobodys( ever( going( to( boycott( it,( that( much( is( obvious.( Pirates# 4# and( Transformers#3#were(both(universally(panned(by(critics,(yet(both(sit(comfortably(in(the(top(10(biggest(movies(of(all(time.(Both(franchises,(now( tired(and(shadows(of(their(former(selves,(are(definitely(here(to(stay.( The( main( problem( is( young( film( makers( face( an( industry( so( fundamentally( set( in( its( ways( that( it( is( very( obvious( to( decipher( just( whos( getting( what( Oscar( this( year.( Yet,( all( does( not( seem( lost.(Hundreds( of(movies( are( released( every( year.(Most( never( see( the( light( of( day.( Yet,( amongst( the( new( comers( in( film( making,( maybe( there( are( that( small( few( that( will( make( a( difference.( Maybe( as( we( head( into( the(next( few( decades,(this(phase(will(end.(But,(I(doubt(it.(It(would(seem(that,(with(any(institution,(if(it(makes(money(they(will(milk(it(ceaselessly(until(there( is(nothing(left.(And(we(better(get(used(to(it.((

( (

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(
Name ___________________________

A Killer Crossword!
Fill in the second names
1 2 3 5 4

6 7 8

9 10

11

ACROSS 2 Famous 'Maxine' who just helped Ian 5 Famous 'Joseph' responsible for over a HUNDRED deaths in USSR 6 Famous royal 'Elizabeth' with links to Al Quaeda 10 Famous 'Peter' and womanizing Yorkshireman 11 Famous 'Gary' who was a singer and molested kids DOWN 1 Famous racist 'Nick' who didnt want everyone to come to his party 3 Famous 'Michael' who drowned someone in his pool 4 Famous 'Adolf' who was a respected humanitarian 7 Famous 'Michael' who was a thriller with the kids 8 Famous 'Ian', stole two young girls 9 Famous 'Myra' who was an awful babysitter

Note: You can use a different program named Crossword to print a nicer copy of this puzzle, one that doesn't look like a web page. This software program gives you much

Weaver

FILL(IN(YOUR(ANSWERS(AND(HAND(IT(IN(TO( THE(JCR(OFFICE.( FIRST(PRIZE:(100(SECOND(PRIZE:(115(

10! ! lorem!!ipsum!::![Date]!