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How you doin', sweet thang? My name's Pimp Daddy, and I'll be your host tonight.

Welcome to "How to be a Pimp", the exclusive guide that tells you how to be a pimp. Follow these eight easy steps and you'll be big pimpin' in no time. I'll tell you how to do all of the pimp shit everything from how to slap a hoa like a pimp to how to order chinese food like a pimp. But, first, there are a few requirements. One, you gotta be the man. Not A man, but THE man. Two, you gotta have a 'fro. Three, no republicans allowed. Oh, and if you know the name of more than one backstreet bo y, please vacate the premises. Alright then. Grab your cane, mack daddy, because we're goin' pimpin'. Start on step one and work your way up, baby. How to look like a pimp? Now, listen real closely, because looking like a pimp is the most important step in your journey to pimpdom. Poeple will never know that you're a pimp unless you look like one. You want to look like you're ready to do anything or anyone. Alright now, the first thing that you're gonna need is a pimpin' hairdo. You need a cool hairdo: something that says "HEy, I'm a pimp. Would you like to do it doggy style with me?". Personnally, I recommend the afro. I used to sport it during my golden years. The perm or corn rows work well too. Sideburns are a necessity. Nothing says pimp like some big sideburns. And, no, mullets and ponytails are NOT acceptable. After you've got the hairdo down, you need to pick up some big pimpin' threads. Fur coats work best. Its physically impossible to not score when wearing a fur coat. Unless you're Tony Danza. Under the fur Coat, put on a disco shirt, some skin-tight flares, and approximately 4.8 pounds of jewelry. Top it all off with some nice leather boots, and you'll be a pimp in no time. But dressing like a pimp isn't all there is to it. Watch out for step 2! How to talk like a pimp? After you've got the pimp look down, you need to learn to talk like a pimp. First, the voice. You wanna talk in a low, throaty voice like Isaac Hayes or Barry White. No, a voice like Dieter Bohlen doesn't cut it. Stand in front of the mirror for 15 minutes everyday, practicing your voice. Alright. So you've got the voice down. Time to learn the 10 sentences you will ever need to know as a pimp. The only things you will ever need to say as a pimp are: "It is my duty to please that booty." "Hello, sweet thang." "Bitch, you know what I want." "Where's my money?" "Let's do it. Doggy Style." "Who's your daddy?" "Hi, My name's John and I'm an alcoholic" "Say what? You're a nun?" "Word." "Baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first." Good. Say each one of these ten times each. Then have an ice cream sandwich to celebrate. You're ready for step 3. Watch out, it's goin' to be released soon. Drive a real Pimpcar! Imagine this: you're cruising downtown in your car, picking your 'fro,

checkin' out the ladies, when you realize that you're driving an '84 Opel Kadett. Now, if you want to avoid being humiliated, you got to get a pimp car. The first thing to do is to check what kind of car you're driving. If its a Mazda, a skoda, or starts with a "T" and ends with an "Oyota", you're in trouble. Scrap it immediately. Trade it for condoms [you'll need them for step 5]. Time for you to get a new ride. First of all, your car has to be made before 1970, and has to be in mint condition. Now there are tons of vintage cars, but some of them just won't cut it. For example: a '64 Chevy Impala has pimp written all over it, but a '71 Vista Cruiser or '20 Ford Model T aren't gonna get you anywhere. Any car that was used in an old cop show will do. Now, to accesorize! Try slapping some pink dice on the rear view mirror, paint some flames on the side, and install hydraulics. After all that, you are welcome to put on your "my little pony" seat covers. Now that you've got your pimpmobil, bump and cruise your way down to step 4. Get yourself a hoe! You have reached the most important part of becoming a pimp. After you complete this step, you can officially be called a pimp. The other 4 steps are just the finishing touches. My man, its time for you to get yourself a hoe. Now, it is physically impossible to be a pimp without owning a hoe. Owning a hoe is what constitutes being a pimp. They go hand in hand, like puppies and chainsaws. Of course, hoes don't just appear out of nowhere. You've got to go out and find yourself a hoe. And no, your mum will not suffice. You've got to know where to look. Lounging around some skanky bar looking for your regular old prostitute isn't going to cut it. You've got to look where you'd least expect it. Like the library. Or the car wash. Or the United States Supreme Court. Keep an eye out for hoe material. Sure signs of a hoe-worthy fema le are tight pants, low cleavage, and big signs that say: "Hi. Would you like to have sex with me?" If you see a nice-looking lady, make sure to approach her and talk to her. She doesn't count as a hoe unless you tell her about it. Start to sweet talk her, maybe buy her a drink, then drop her this line: "SEX ME WOMAN!" Words like a charm. Whatever you do thoug, don't stare incessantly at her boobies. That's for step 5. How to dance like a pimp? A pimp's always gotta look good, even when he's on the dancefloor. I know, I know, dancing is for women. I know, I know, men who dance are either pansies or named Jonh Travolta. Big Deal. The fact of the matter is, a pimp has to be good and able to outshow anyone at anything they are asked to do. Except bestiality. Start by geting some dancing shoes. Some nice ones. Preferably leather. Put those babies on and you're ready to dance. I truly recommend practicing at home beforehand. Find yourself a mirror, and pop in some funky disco music. Now, dancing is an art It has to be fluid, beautiful, and sexy. They say that the way a man dances is the way he has sex, so you don't want to be out of rhythm andshaking all over the place. Start by bobbing your head a little, and picking up the beat. Begin to tap your feet to the bass. Start moving your whole body. That's it. Now do something with your arms. Yeah, wave them like tha t! Start shaking them legs of yours from side to side. Exactly. Hey, don't look now

, but you're dancing. Nice work there. Now keep those moves in your head and head out to the closest club. Scan the room, look for fly ladies, then get your ass out there in the mix. Shake your groove thing like you've never shaked it before [riverdancing is not appropriate at this time]! After a lot of practice, you'll be a dancing pimp. Every lady likes a guy who can dance well, so you may want to bring along a 10-feet pole to beat them away. Alright then you're set. You may proceed now, young grasshopper.

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