Theology of the Body Lecture Series Lent 2012 St Patricks Catholic Church

Talk II: Healing our Relationships through Graced Friendships

OPENING PRAYER A humbled, contrite heart, O God, you will not spurn. Have mercy on me, God, in your kindness. In your compassion blot out my offence. O wash me more and more from my guilt and cleanse me from my sin. A humbled, contrite heart, O God, you will not spurn. A pure heart create for me, O God, put a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, nor deprive me of your holy spirit. A humbled, contrite heart, O God, you will not spurn. For in sacrifice you take no delight, burnt offering from me you would refuse, my sacrifice, a contrite spirit. A humbled, contrite heart you will not spurn. A humbled, contrite heart, O God, you will not spurn. Collect (from the Oratio super populum of todays Liturgy) Give to your people, our God, a resolve that is pleasing to you, for, by conforming them to your teachings, you bestow on them ever favour. Through Christ our Lord. Amen. OPENING SONG to set the tone The Sound of Your Voice by Third Day I ran away from your love but you waited for me, yes, you waited for me and then I heard your song, singing over me, singing over me Now that I hear you Lord, I want to know you more. I want to know you more. Chorus : Sing your song to me. Oh, theres no greater thing than to listen to the sound of your voice When I hear your song I want to sing along and listen to the sound of your voice, the sound of your voice Lord, I am calling your name and Im waiting for you, yes Im waiting for you So wont you show me your way and I will follow you, yes I will follow you Chorus Singing over me bringing peace and mercy with a song that never ends Sining over me marvelous and holy, Lord, I want to hear your song again Chorus THE SOUND OF MY FATHERS VOICE I remember as a child about the age of four years old waking up in the middle of the night with a terrible ear ache. It seemed also that my whole body was on fire, as if I was immersed in pain. Suddenly I heard the sound of my fathers voice. I think he might have heard me crying in my sleep and came over to see what was the matter. He picked me up and held me. He gave me some medicine for my ear ache and what probably was a bad cold, but the pain was so great that I couldnt find peace. So he put me on the couch and read me a picture book story. This was the first memory I had of the power of the voice of my father. I didnt really care what he said or what

the story was about. I just liked listening to the sound of his voice. It was saying to a deeper part of me, that he loved me, that I was lovable, that I was good. Many times in my childhood his voice spoke to me this message. I remember driving to work with him. He was a carpenter and it was an hour drive to the construction site from our home. He used to sing to me, talk to me, and tell me stories. I dont remember a lot of what he said, but I always remember how I felt when I heard the sound of his voice. I guess the first time I realized the need I had to hear this voice was when I was in college. I was struggling with figuring out how to balance the difficult schedule of studying, my after school job, and trying to grow up. When I called him on the phone I distinctly remember the great confidence I felt just listening to my fathers voice. It always seemed to give me a deep peace, a kind of strength in my bones, in my heart of hearts I found that because my father gave me the gift of his time, his words, and above all, his love, that I am a lovable person and that I am capable of doing whatever this life demands, even if at times these are very difficult things. MY MOTHERS VOICE My fathers voice was not the only voice that spoke to my soul. The most constant contact I first had with anyone was my mother. She said I used to spend the whole day by her side as a toddler, and that I used to hide in her skirt when I felt danger was near, that she was my refuge and comfort. I remember her as my first best friend and playmate. When I heard the sound her voice it made me feel very calm and many times, because she would speak with all sorts of funny accents, I would laugh and giggle. I first noticed the imprint of my mothers voice when I found myself in great danger. I was in a Philippine jungle where it was said that armed soldiers were hiding that wanted to overthrow the government. They had kidnapped many western missionaries and held them for ransom. When faced with the choice to go a short way across a mountain path that was supposedly covered with these armed forces, or to go the long way that was safer, I distinctly heard the voice of my mother, Be careful! Dont do anything foolish. What? How did my mothers protective voice find its way into my conscience? WE LONG TO HEAR THE VOICE OF OUR FATHER AND MOTHER Why is it that we are so deeply comforted to hear the voice of our father and mother, why does their voice become such a profound part of our hearts and consciences? Why do we long for their love? The truth about the human person is that each is created by and for a loving communion of persons. In the beginning we read: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27) This means that, as Blessed Pope John Paul II says in his theology of the Body, man became the image of God not only through his own humanity, but also through the communion of persons

For just as the Eternal Father is one with the Eternal Son and from their intimate communion of persons is conceived and flows the Person of the Holy Spirit, so too, from the intimate communion of man and woman is conceived and flows a new human person. This new life happens in the conception of the womb but also it ought to happen every day in family life. The very same love of the Eternal Family of the Blessed Trinity is replicated and echoed in the love of man and woman who not only in the act of conception but by their communion and friendship daily give life to their children. It is amazing to see the connection between trinitarian theology and the differences between man and woman. God the Father is the origin (what the name actually means in Greek) of the Son and Holy Spirit. He is the principle or initiation of the other two persons. God the Son is eternally receptive to the Father and his love. From the love of both Father and Son comes the Holy Spirit. In this understanding of the Blessed Trinity, we can understand the pattern of masculine and feminine complementarity and fertility. Dr Philip Mango, a psychologist who teaches a kind of psychology of the body that accompanies the theology of the body says: The definition of masculinity is the male who takes initiative regularly. He initiates something that is good for others at a cost to himself, at a sacrifice to himself, and sustains what he has initiated with power and love, as a positive leader, as a protector, defender, lover, and a wise counselor. The definition of femininity is active receptivity. Masculinity and femininity are from God, have their origin in his image and likeness and a person who has underdeveloped their manhood or womanhood is not living the fullness of their dignity as a son or daughter of God. We can see that masculinity and femininity have been lived out in different ways throughout the ages and in different cultures, but their origin is in God and is not simply sociological evolution or mere cultural conditioning. These are ultimately made for life. What does man initiate in the seed of his body and woman receive within her body? LIFE! It is written into our nature, which by scientific studies, can be observed and noted. According to the social sciences: There is no fact that has been established by social science literature more convincingly than the following: all variables considered, children are best served when reared in a home with a married mother and father. David Popenoe (1996) summarized the research nicely: "social science research is almost never conclusive, yet in three decades of work as a social scientist, I know of few other bodies of data in which the weight of evidence is so decisively on one side of the issue: on the whole, for children, two-parent families" (p. 176). (Gender Complementarity and Child Rearing by Dr A. Dean Beard PhD) THE EFFECT OF MASCULINE AND FEMININE VOICES There was a study done in a pediatric ward with small infants. They had a room full of babies whose neurological activity was being monitored. When a man walked into the room and started speaking to the babies, they started to kick and wiggle and move about. Their brain activity became very active, their eyes widened, and they

looked around the room full of excitement. When a woman walked into the room and started talking to the babies, they lay still, their neurological activity became calmer, their eyes started to close, and some started to fall asleep. Another study shows that fathers around the world in different cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds have a kind of universal tendency to hold their baby out from them, to look them in the eye, and yes, even to throw them up in the air and catch them. The study was not limited to cultural conditioning. Yes that is right, it is a universal tendency in fathers to actually throw their children up in the air. For women it is exactly the opposite. They desired to hold the child close to their hearts, pull them in, and give them nurturing and gentle caresses. If youd ask the woman they would tell the man to not throw the child so high and his reaction would be that it wouldnt quite be high enough. Different studies show the complementarity of masculine and feminine touch in rearing children: Male and female differences emerge in ways in which infants are held and the differential ways in which mothers and fathers use touch with their children. Mothers more frequently use touch to calm, soothe, or comfort infants. When a mother lifts her child, she brings the child toward her breasts providing warmth, comfort, security and protection. Fathers more often use touch to stimulate or to excite the child. Fathers tend to hold infants at arms length in front of them, make eye contact, toss the infant in the air, or embrace the child in such a way that the child is looking over the father's shoulder. Shapiro notes that each of these "daddy holds" underscores a sense of freedom (1994). Clarke-Stewart (1980) reported differences in mothers' and fathers' play. Mothers tend to play more at the child's level. Mothers provide an opportunity to direct the play, to be in charge, to proceed at the child's pace. Fathers' play resembles a teacher-student relationship-- apprenticeship of sorts. Fathers' play is more rough-and-tumble. MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL BUT DIFFERENT - COMPLEMENTARY The complementarity of man and woman serves the communion between them in sexual attraction and fertility in the procreation of children, but it also serves to develop different parts of the person. Lets look at the person from a Catholic anthropology, looking at man from the point of view of St Thomas Aquinas, who probably better than any has been able to discriminate within the human organism, the subtle differences between different faculties, i.e. the intellect and will, passions and powers, and how they relate to one another. Men have a very developed reason (ratio) for the use of a kind of hyper-focus, to get a difficult job done and persevere in doing it until the goal is accomplished. Reason is able to dissect a situation, compartmentalize it and analyze abstract principles, essences, and ideas. Women have a highly developed intuitive intellect (intellectus), which helps to look at the whole situation and see things in a holistic approach, helping them to embrace the emotional content of a situation and draw out from it an intimate meaning and purpose. Some have said that men are more right-brain and women are left-brain, however, if you actually look at the physical organ of the brain of an actual man it is in two compartments with a super conductor in the middle of two lobes. A womans brain is so interconnected by a spaghetti super

network that it almost appears that it is one lobe. So actually, the whole right-brain/ left-brain thing is only applicable to men. Each human person needs to develop both parts of the intellect the abstract ratio and the intuitive intellectus. It is clear from studies that the complementarity of both and man and woman raising a child that both parts of the mind are exercised, challenged, and matured. Also the will needs to be developed. Aquainas said that there are two basic sets of volition or willing within man, two types of appetites. One is for the enjoyment of the pleasurable good, the concupiscible appetite, and another is for desiring the good that is difficult to attain, the irascible appetite. Femininity seems to embody all of the qualities of the pleasurable good, a voice that is gentle, a eyes that are soft and welcoming, a nurturing and sensitive touch. While masculinity seems to embody everything about obtain the arduous or difficult good: decisive actions, courageous execution of plans, anger at the good that is threatened, a hatred for what is evil. One thing must be clarified here. While men and womens complementarity does embody or exhibit a particular trait of the human person, each human person must develop all of these faculties. However, men tend to develop the feminine qualities albeit in a masculine way, and vice versa for women. In fact, St Edith Stein said that the a person has not fully developed into their masculine manhood or feminine womanhood unless they embody both the masculine and feminine qualities, yet possess them and express them in keeping with their sexual identity. Who shows more womanly assertiveness, decisiveness, and protectiveness than the Blessed Mother, whose womanhood had perfectly matured in its fullness? Who is more gentle, nurturing, and sensitive than Jesus, albeit in a masculine way? HOW FATHER & MOTHER EFFECT THE DEVELOPMENT OF A PERSON What is amazing is that studies show how essential it is for a person to experience the both masculine and feminine affirmation in order for all their faculties to develop properly. Perhaps this is seen most strikingly in those who are deprived of it. Children who grew up without a fatherly influence: -Exhibited a general lack of courage and confidence, especially in accomplishing difficult goals -"there may be something unique to fathers that provides children with different opportunities to regulate their emotions" (Broughton 2000) -Were statistically more promiscuous and found it difficult to live chaste relationships well, which is particularly difficult for women in later years who develop daddy issues -Showed high sense of aggression and could not express anger in a healthy way or found it highly uncomfortable when someone is angry with them Children who grew up without a motherly influence: -Found it difficult speak about their feelings, experience connectedness, and found intimacy awkward

-showed high insecurity and need for attention, physical contact, emotional and affirmation -Had difficulty showing affection, warmth and developing depth in romantic relationships with their spouses. In todays world, the high percentage of broken families is giving rise to persons who would be described by many of the above traits. Dr Conrad Baars, PhD, an expert psychiatrist who was a consultant for Pope Paul VI on psychological matters, was famous for his intuition in understanding the affirmation of the person. Clearly, he said, that most people experience a kind of birthing of their person before the age of 5. In fact 80% of the person is already developed into who he or she will become for the rest of their life: including their capacity to love and be loved, their gender identification, and their overall understanding of what it is to be a human person. Yet there is another kind of birthing that happens usually in a persons late teens and early twenties, a kind of psychological birthing of their personality. This too happens by way of affirmation, that the person begins to see themselves as an adult who is capable of loving and being loved. The problem is that so many people find themselves unlovable and unaffirmed either by father or mother or both. This can be true even of persons who grew up in homes with both parents physically present but emotionally absent. In fact, it can even be more painful when a parent is there but is incapable of loving and affirming the child. Blessed Pope John Paul II in his letter to Families, also spoke about the egocentric and hedonistic tendencies of parents that brings about the terrifying phenomenon of children being orphans of living parents, which is a wound of being rejected and unloved. In these cases a person is almost better off having lost a parent through death rather than having the parent reject the child and refuse to show love to him. I find, as a priest, the pews of the Churches full of such orphaned, unloved, unaffirmed persons. It wasnt that somebody did something to them that was terrible, but it what someone didnt do to them - love them. Dr Conrad Baars, together with Dr Anna Teruwe was responsible for the discovery of a very modern emotional disorder, Emotional Deprivational Disorder. Emotional Deprivation Disorder is a syndrome which results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening in one's life. A person may have been criticized, ignored, neglected, abused, or emotionally rejected by primary caregivers early in life, resulting in that individuals stunted emotional growth. Unaffirmed persons are incapable of developing into emotionally mature adults until they receive authentic affirmation from another person. Maturity is reached when there is a harmonious relationship between a persons body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul under the guidance of their reason and will. REACTION TO LIFE Most of the time people dont like to think about the evil in their lives, who didnt love them, who abandoned them, who might have hurt them. So unless a person is

able to look it in the eye and deal with it, it gets buried and people develop a whole intricate system of learning how to ignore it, cope with it, medicate it: drugs, alcoholism, being a workaholic, perfectionism, over-achieving, over-eating, promiscuous sex, pornography, avoidance of any kind or responsibility or stresses that are part of a normal life, and so on. Yet these are perhaps the things that are the most harmful. The deepest wounds that people have are not what has been done to them but what they do in reaction to it. It is not what goes into a man that defiles him but what comes out of him, not what happens to him, but what he makes happen (Matthew 15:1). It is particularly difficult when this reaction is not conscious, and therefore may appear to have a life of its own. Aquainas differentiated between two parts of the will, the active and the passive, similar to what modern psychology calls the conscious and subconscious part of a person. It is very common for a person to be subconsciously needy of masculine or feminine affirmation or attention if they were deprived of it when they were younger. Because of the power of sin working in us this may at times be acted out in perverse ways. SAME-SEX ATTRACTION One of the ways that this can be manifest is when a person finds themselves sexually attracted to the same sex because of an unmet need for affirmation, love, and affection they had as a child from the same-sex parent or also as a result to the abuse or hurt received from the opposite sex parent, or differing variables of abuse and neglect from either parent. In fact, many psychologists and counselors have had great success with those who have unwanted same-sex attractions in helping to heal this as one would do with a disordered affection in the passive will of the person. This will undoubtedly upset many people who do not have a catholic vision of man and his anthropology found in the theology of the body, who attempt a kind of gayaffirmation therapy, focussing on depression or stress as results of social resistance to the gay lifestyle rather than something much deeper in the human heart. These people say that would be unfair to ask a person to change something so deep in his heart. Remember, that 80% of our sexual identity is formed before the age of 5 and therefore one could claim that he was always that way. We must be clear that this kind of healing or change is not to be considered as a categorical view of change, grounded in an essentialist view of homosexual sexual orientation that assumes same-sex attractions are the natural and immutable essence of a person, but it is far more helpful and accurate to conceptualize such change as occurring on a continuum. This is in fact how sexual orientation is defined in most modern research, starting with the well known Kinsey scales, even as subsequent findings pertinent to change are often described in categorical terms. (NARTH Statement on Sexual Orientation Change) emphasis added One of the most honest and realistic looks at same-sex attraction comes from Melinda Selyms, who wrote, Sexual Authenticity: An Intimate Reflection on Homosexuality and Catholicism.

It's my suspicion that in a lot of cases, people who struggle for years with same-sex attraction are struggling because there are other factors driving their attractions, and these factors are not being addressed. For some people, it seems, the issues are rooted in psychological wounds received in their family of origin, and for those people reparative therapy seems to do a lot of good. Resolve the psychological substrata of sexual orientation, and the attractions sort themselves out of their own accord. Especially for men, who are often more sensual, same-sex attraction is more of a matter of a libinistic sexual attraction, for women, who are often more sentimental, it tends toward an attraction of the whole of the person to the whole of the other person. For both of these it is still a need for love and affirmation. Again here it is necessary to stress that one does not change their passive will overnight or categorically or by an act of the active will. It happens when the person gifts their inmost being freely and consciously to the desire for Redemption. This voluntary desire is key. You know the joke, how many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesnt matter. The light bulb has to want to change. For those who dont want this, it is not an option and often by these people it is seen as an attack on their lifestyle. From my experience in living in Christian mens households where a few of the men professed to experience an unwanted same-sex attraction, the two things they needed from me were: 1. Brotherhood. Healthy male disinterested friendship (Words of the Catechism) supplied positive and chaste affirmation of them as men in a masculine identity. 2. A condemnation of the homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity (Words of the Catechism) I suspect this is because that it is an affirmation of them as a man but also a support to their choice of trying to live a chaste life through a reinforcement of the negative choice involved, like the positive and negative poles necessary for electric power. The deeper changes in us are much more slow and permanent, yet also some may experience that they will have to suffer some degree of temptation the rest of their lives. The courage apostolate has the appropriate quote of St Frances de Sales on their website: "Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew." This apostolate has been most effective at least with helping many men and women come to terms with same sex attraction. Their 5 goals are: 1. Live chaste lives in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality. (Chastity) 2. Dedicate ones life to Christ through service to others, spiritual reading, prayer, meditation, individual spiritual direction, frequent attendance at Mass, and the frequent reception of the sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Eucharist. (Prayer and Dedication)

3. Foster a spirit of fellowship in which all may share thoughts and experiences, and so ensure that no one will have to face the problems of homosexuality alone. (Fellowship) 4. Be mindful of the truth that chaste friendships are not only possible but necessary in a chaste Christian life and in doing so provide encouragement to one another in forming and sustaining them. (Support) 5. Live lives that may serve as good examples to others. (Good Example/Role Model) Yet some people have no intention of wanting or believing that a change in their sexual orientation is possible. The media often reinforces this with a subtle kind of brainwashing by a constant propaganda line that I was born this way It is clear now that, even as Dean Hammer, who who supposedly coined the phrase of the gay gene himself has said, there is no gay gene and therefore is not an variant of human nature or a genetic thing. THERE IS NO STUDY THAT CLAIMS HOMOSEXUALITY IS SIMPLY GENETIC. It is shown from studies of twins that it is not inherited, even though studies may show that it may be heritable or traced to certain biological traits. It also therefore cannot be considered on par with other aspects of human nature such as age, race, gender, and ought not to be described as a right or encoded into discrimination laws as a variant. Also it must be said very clearly that it is not a good thing even though it may be socially acceptable and legal, for two men or two women to claim to have the same right or capacity to raise a child in a healthy environment. Dr Dean Byrd, a psychologist and counselor, who was a consultant for an adoption agency on this matter reveals that in many cases it may greatly harm the emotional and personal well being of the child: How healthy is the rejection of gender roles? What is more alarming is that both historical and current research provides significant concerns about the medical and mental health consequences of homosexual practices, as well as the stability of homosexual relationships. Medical health, mental health, longevity and relationship stability are essential issues to be addressed when considering the placement of children. Gender Complementarity and Childrearing: Where Tradition and Science Agree Through analysing different studies he concludes that child rearing in a same sex home will: -teach by example the rejection of our sexual differences that are inscribed in our nature -teach children that sex is for pleasure and doesnt have to include procreation -due to the very high rate, even majority of couples that are not monogamous, even saying it is better to let their partner freely have sex with others to remain monogamous, the child will not learn stability that comes from monogamy

-the child will have a high rate of confusion of gender identity, a much higher tendency toward depression, emotional imbalance, and promiscuity NO ONE IS A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE OR DOOMED BY HISTORY Because of the identification that we have with the way we grew up and because so much of who we are depends on the formation we receive as tiny children, it is easy for a person to feel condemned to simply be the outcome of their past, marked forever by a distant mother or absent father or whatever kind of childhood. You hear it all the time in popular culture, songs, and movies - almost like an excuse for selfpity or a definition of who a person is based solely on what has happened to them. Yet what is most wounding in our lives is not what has or hasnt happened to us, it is our own reaction to it. However, we know that God is a Good Father, and his plan is for freedom and healing. What is the healing of someone who has been wounded by their fundamental relationships in life: graced friendships. WHAT IS GRACED FRIENDSHIP? Graced friendship is a relationship given to us by God to bring us into communion. It is a friendship that reveals God as a communion. The first graced friendship that is essential for healing is our friendship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. ABBA FATHER In friendship with God the Father we see that no one on earth is our ultimate origin, which is why we call no man on earth father (Matthew 23:9). Even though we have an earthly father or father-figures there is only one REAL Father, the first and last father, the only one truly worthy of the name, before whom all others are merely icons of the real deal. God the Father is the principle, initiator, and beginning of our whole person. Blessed Pope John Paul speaks about Christs conversation with us in the theology of our bodies that brings us back to the beginning. The Father is our beginning. He is the source of your manhood & masculinity or womanhood & femininity. In friendship with the Father we come to discover ourselves as Created before the world began or existent within the mind of God the Father before he created us, before there was a chance for sin, and most importantly in a personal way, before there was sin in my own life. A tender, interior, real friendship with our heavenly Father has the power to bring real freedom and confidence. Men find that they can stand tall as a son of God, who shows them their glorious liberty of the sons of God (Romans 8:12-17). Women find the father-daughter fulfillment as being enthroned and enshrined in the Heart of the Father like a dove nestled in the cleft of the rock (Song of Songs 2:14). I dont know how many times I find the necessity of re-introducing the relationship with Abba Father in the lives of the faithful. It seems there are so many people whose primary hindrance to holiness and happiness is that they dont have a real friendship with God as Abba. How many people there are who just cant find that extra confidence boost to go beyond themselves, stuck in a rut, spinning their wheels, just waiting for the moment when they will finally begin to live the Gospel the way their heart longs for.

JESUS REDEEMER Jesus is our friend. Moving beyond the clich, we have to see that a friendship with Christ means redemption from sin. Depression, anxiety, fear, worry, hopelessness, and doubt often plague the emotional lives of many, but do they ever link these things to allowing sin to remain in their lives? A sin is a grave moral act that is against the ten commandments that a person consciously and willingly commits or some good that they ought not omit. A sin is bad, you know it, and you do it. Sin is not an attitude or feeling and can be something that a person really likes and is attached to, could even feel really good about it, even though they know deep down that it is evil. Their minds justify it, and growing accustomed to it being in their life or lacking the courage or desire to be free, they dont get rid of it. HOW USELESS it is to talk about healthy graced friendships if a person is still in mortal sin. They could have already gone to confession many times, but they never confessed a particular evil that they freely and knowingly did many years ago. That sin is still lodged in their heart and life, and, still like a foreign infectious object, is the actual reason for many sleepless nights or depressing days. HOW FUTILE would it be to talk about relationships if you didnt first get rid of sin. If a person commits one mortal sin they merit the eternal punishment of hell and separation from God (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1033-1036). This is the dogmatic teaching of the Council of Trent and therefore the authentic teaching of Jesus Christ. This is a teaching that he personally reveals to you in an intimate friendship with him. If the punishment after death is hell, you better believe that there is a very real separation from God in the soul that manifests itself in the emotions and thoughts of a person already in this life. St Teresa of Avila said about those in mortal sin, I cannot believe that He would grant them contemplation and in another place one of the biggest hindrances to holiness is unconfessed mortal sin. We must confess our sins, according to canon law, in kind and number all mortal sins committed after baptism to get rid of them like weeding a garden. If we to just confess the sins without doing this it would be like taking the tops of the weeds off, which would in fact merely prune them, allowing their roots to grow deeper in unseen soil of our souls. In confession, Jesus is our friend who frees us sin. Confession is the Sacrament given to us by God to be honest with ourselves and accepting of the evil that we have actually done. It is the way that we no longer feel victim of our childhood experience, when we take full responsibility for our lives and actions. I am convinced that it is the true way for God to totally free us of things which plague us, and that many kinds of emotional imbalances, depression, anxieties and fears, still are permitted to rule our souls because of unconfessed sin. The love of Jesus, who was crucified for us and knows us even in our sins, loves us exactly where we are at right now, and it is this love, perhaps only this love, that gives us the courage to be brutally honest with him in the Sacrament of Mercy. Also we must know that a real friendship with Jesus Christ is SACRAMENTAL. This means it is incarnated into a specific ritual that he himself instituted and in which he himself wills for me to participate. I need to be able to hear his words spoken to me in a sacramental-personal way, Baptism- unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God (John 3:5)

Reconciliation- My child, your sins are forgiven (Mark 2:5) Eucharist- This is my body, which will be given up for you (Luke 22:19) It is important for me to understand that is through sacramental friendship that it is incarnate, made real and intimate in a way that will potently change my life and bring me deeper into Christ. Christ also makes this friendship deeply ecclesial, a relationship in and of the Church. In this way I can truly hear the voice speaking in to me as the living Word of God, that is only transmitted in its fullness in the tripod of Sacred Scripture, Sacred Tradition, and the Magisterium of the Church. The chief place where this Word is spoken to me and I receive it is the Liturgy, especially when it is celebrated well, with dignity and solemnity. THE HOLY SPIRIT, THE SOUL OF OUR SOULS The Holy Spirit is the Love of the Father and the Son. He is the soul of our soul, he is the gentle and powerful lover of our inmost hearts. To know him in personal friendship is first to realize that he is not just a symbol like a dove, a fire, a drop of oil, but a real PERSON, a friend. This friend is PURE LOVE. This is his divine personality. To know him is to know you are loved from the inside-out. This love takes the form of an interior power, a fullness, the joy of eternal love, the happiness of blessedness, the power of God alive in us. The Holy Spirit reveals his friendship with us as the one who dwells and fills our bodies as a holy temple, our hearts as a sacred altar, our minds as a sealed tabernacle. He is particularly important in the work of the redemption of our bodies. In our baptism the Holy Spirit, and therefore the entire Blessed Trinity dwells in our inmost heart. Although our faculties are immediately purified of original sin, the effects still remain, and the Spirit works mightily in our interior to bring this about. From the inside and working outward the Holy Spirit slowly transforms our beings through grace, through prompting us to desire redemption more, through our response to suffering, ultimately through an ever more pure and full gift of our inmost self to God and to his friends. It is very much like a microwave oven, which heats up the core and then slowly moves outward. Deep calls to deep in roar of mighty waters (Psalm 42:17), that is God the Holy Spirit searches the depths of man and searches the depths of God (1 Corinthians 2:10) and joins the misery of man to the mercy of God in Christ. You could say that the Holy Spirit finds the riches of the depths of Redemption, of the merits of Christ crucified, of his sacred wounds and sews them into the very wounds of man. For it was mans wounds that wounded the redeemer and his willingness to be wounded by love for our sake that releases the mighty waters of the Holy Spirit, so that the inmost depths of man are eternally transformed into the depths of God. The greatest thing therefore that unites us to God are our wounds, not our gifts or virtues. They good that is in us is not the cause of our union with God but the fruit of it. The good that is in God cannot resist the parts of us that need him the most like water falls to the lowest point. This happens because of Gods mercy, not because of us, however our desire, our groaning, our inmost yearning for God is our cooperation in redemption. This is a work of the Holy Spirit and often happens very deeply within us without even our knowledge that it is happening, like heart transplant surgery or a bone marrow transplant. As Blessed Pope John Paul II said in his encyclical Dominum et Vivificantem (On the Holy Spirit in the Life of the Church)

"For we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words."282 Therefore, the Holy Spirit not only enables us to pray, but guides us "from within" in prayer: he is present in our prayer and gives it a divine dimension.283 Thus "he who searches the hearts of men knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." The Holy Spirit himself is the relationship of the Father and the Son. He therefore is the one who is our relationship with each person in communion with them. He is the Spirit of friendship, of communion, of belonging, of family love. We ought to desire that the spirit of our relationships, which may often even in good and holy friendships still have elements of need, gratification, egoism, greed, vanity, impurity, and pride, be replaced with the Holy Spirit who is the relationship Spirit. What moves and motivates your friendships with others? What is the reason and purpose? The Holy Spirit purifies our relationships. It is truly only in Him that we have graced friendships with others.

GRACED FRIENDSHIPS WITH ALL Once we reorient our graced friendships with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, we begin to have holy friendships with those around us. The amazing thing about Gods plan is that whatever we missed in our childhood he brings to us in his providence to restoration and healing. I find this happens so frequently that it seems it almost a spiritual maxim of Gods providence: Gods goodness will not permit us to remain in isolation as emotional orphans but bring different people into our lives to reveal the mystery of his gratuitous love. A graced friendship is a relationship that is based on grace, upon living a relationship in the way that is pleasing to God. It is truly amazing the power that graced friendship has in healing us. Again, let us be clear that it is firstly a relationship with God in frequent reception of the Sacraments and prayer, and then relating with all his friends. ALMSGIVING The last talk I gave this lent was about prayer, fasting, and almsgiving to help bring about redemption. In it I pointed out that almsgiving is a sincere and free gift of self to ones neighbor. This is the heart of graced friendship. It is loving and being loved. Giving the gift of ones self to the other and receiving the gift of the other person. This also describes the inmost life of the Trinity. It is what our deepest heart longs for, to love and be loved. Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta said, poverty is loneliness and feeling unloved. Give alms of love, and St Peter tells us in his first letter, By obedience to the truth you have purified yourselves for a genuine love of your brothers; therefore, love one another constantly from the heart (1 Peter 1:22). This is the true medicine that heals the heart. Blessed Pope John Paul II said, Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it. (Redemptor Hominis, 10)

CHASTITY Graced friendship is also essential if one is going to live a chaste life. In fact the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about it, The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends, who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality. Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one's neighbor. Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion. (CCC 2347) You could say another word for chastity is friendship. Friendship with God in your body and the ordered friendship with all the friends God gives you. There is a need that our friendships remain chaste. All too often, even in Catholic circles, friendships go south, go sour, when a persons woundedness or neediness propels them to relate inordinately in friendships, causing unhealthy attachments or exclusivity, and may lead them to sin, shipwrecking the very reason God brought that person into their life to begin with. If a person is aware of their wounds leading them toward a sinful or inordinate tendency with a friend, especially when they notice the origin of their need or wound is a lack of masculine or feminine affirmation, they need to learn how to discipline themselves. Aquainas pointed out that passions blind the intellect and weaken the will. As soon as we notice that a particular friendship manifests an disordered attraction or repulsion, we should be careful to mortify that passion and be weary of our own judgment about that relationship. That is, we choose not to listen to ourselves. We lead our heart in this case instead of following it. We ignore our judgment and make the safe assumption that we are not trustworthy with regard to a particular friendship, humble ourselves so that God may grant us light and his grace may bring us back into equilibrium. On the other hand, we ought to be careful to not react too rashly to our own sinfulness lest our disciplined passions react like a child that has been harshly treated, complaining and whining until we give in. OUR LADY The Virgin Mother of God is a great helper in relationships. She helps us in a real friendship with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. She is Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity, a woman of communion and friendship first with God and then with all his friends. She teaches us the spirit of communion, of solidarity, of service and of humility. The principle lesson Our Mother teaches us in relating with others is humility. She humbled herself all day before every creature, not trusting her own estimation, but always seeking Gods light and his Holy Spirit to be the very spirit by which she relates with others. May Our Lady help us to heal from our relationships by graced friendship.

CLOSING PRAYER - Magnificat My soul glorifies the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God, my Saviour. He looks on his servant in her lowliness; henceforth all ages will call me blessed. The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy his name! His mercy is from age to age, on those who fear him. He puts forth his arm in strength and scatters the proud-hearted. He casts the mighty from their thrones and raises the lowly. He fills the starving with good things, sends the rich away empty. He protects Israel, his servant, remembering his mercy, the mercy promised to our fathers, to Abraham and his sons for ever. Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.