A woman was sitting at a bar when a man approached her

and said, Hi, sweetie! Want a little company? Woman:

Why? Do u have one to sell???

3 friends had walked down to the train station.They

were so busy in their talks that they didnt hear the

train arrive,but they noticed the noise of the train

as it started to depart.After a great rush,2 of them

managed to step onboard.3rd one looked sad so a

passing railway official said,Dont feel bad, atleast 2

out of 3 of u made it.True,but the other 2 were only

here to see me off

Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are

the world s largest Waterfalls and the sound intensity

of the Waterfall is so high, sound of even 20

supersonic planes passing cant be heard! Now may I

request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear

the Niagra falls??

1 drunk asked the other:What a beautiful night,look at

the moon.Other drunk: U are wrong,thats not the

moon,that s the sun.Both started arguing for a while

when they saw another drunk walking; they stopped

him,Sir,pls help settle our argument?Tell us what is

that up in the sky that s shining.Is it the moon or

the sun?3rd man looked at the sky and said,Sorry, I

dont live around here.

Wife:Yester-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes! Husband:
Yeah, I saw ur dad paying the bill !!!

A rabbit and a lion entered a restaurant and sat

together at a table. I will have a bowl of hay and a

side order of carrots, the rabbit told the

waiter.Waiter: And what will ur friend have?Rabbit:

Nothing.Waiter: Isnt he hungry? Rabbit: If he were

hungry, wud I be sitting here??

Boss was on the 25th floor of a building;he called up

the clerk on the ground floor for an important

file.Since it was urgent,the boss told the clerk it

was an emergency and that he shud hurry with the

file.After more than 30mins. the clerk appeared all

tired and panting for breath.Boss:What took u so long?Clerk:When I went to the lift
it said during an emergency please use the staircase.

Professor of literature asked a general question in

the class. According to English rites, why do bride

and groom shake hands at the time of wedding? Rohan:

It s similar to the customary ceremony of shaking

hands by 2 wrestlers before entering the wrestling

arena.

Mr. Verma got the following letter: If u dont send

Rs.2 lakhs within 3 days time, we will kidnap ur

wife.To this, he sent the following reply: I m very

sorry,I cant fulfill ur demand, but I m sure u ll keep

up ur promise.

Judge to accused: Have you anything to offer before I

pass sentence on you?Accused: No, Your Honour. My

lawyer took my last dollar.

A man got a call from his doctor who said I have some

bad news and some terrible news, which would u rather

hear Ist?Man:The bad news.Doctor:The lab messed up ur

tests and when they re-did them,they found out u only

have 48 hrs to live. Man:What could be more terrible

than that?Doctor:we tried all day yesterday to get

hold of u but ur phone was busy!

One day Sheela and Shubha were discussing about their

husbands. Sheela: My husband loves her mother more

than does he love me. Shubha: How do u know that?

Sheela: Yesterday,I asked him if I and his mother were drowning,whom of the 2 wud
he save? Shubha: What did he say? Sheela: His mother, ofcourse. What shud I do now?
Shubha: Start learning Swimming.

Doctor: Did u take my advice about ur insomnia and

count before going to sleep? Patient: Yes.I got as far

as 24,534 and then it was time to get up.

The newly married couple was in a restaurant and both

of them agreed upon the same dish. Husband: U see, we

are just like one person. Wife: I know sweetheart, but

don't forget to order lunch for two.

Wife: Im ashamed of the way we live; papa pays the

house rent, my brother sends food and clothing, aunty

pays our electric and water bills and my friend Sheela

buys us movie tickets.I dont like to complain but now

its too much. Husband: U shud be ashamed; uve still

got 1 sister and 2 brothers, who dont send us even a

single penny.
Son: Dad,wat is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person

who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and

long way that another person who is listening to him

cant understand him.Do u understand me? Son: No.

Viru and Jai met each other after 10yrs. Jai: By now,

ur son must have reached college…how is he doing

there? Viru: He s very thorough…he spends 3yrs. in

every class.

2 hunters were out in the woods when 1 of them

collapsed. He doesnt seemed to be breathing and his

eyes were glazed. The other guy took out his phone and

called the emergency services.He gasped: My friend is

dead! What can I do? Operator:Calm down,I can help.

Ist,lets make sure he s dead. There was a silence,then

a gunshot was heard. Back on the phone,the guy

said:Ok, now what?

Raj went into a pub,asked for a scotch,drank it and

got up to leave. The barman yelled,Hey, where s my

money? Raj:I paid u. Then Jai came in,drank a scotch

and did the same. When a 3rd man entered and ordered a scotch,the barman told him,2
men came in and asked for scotch just like u then left saying they d paid. What
do u think about that?Man: Stop babbling and give me my change

10 men and a girl were hanging on to a rope that

extends down from a helicopter. The weight of 11

people was too much for the rope,so 1 of them had to

jump.No one cud decide who shud go,until finally the

girl volunteered.She gave a touching speech,saying she

will sacrifice her life to save others.When she

finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

Manager: Leave ur address and we ll call u when we

need an old stenographer. Applicant: Old stenographer?

But I m a young one. Manager: Never mind. By the time

we call u, u ll be an old one.

What time does the library open? the man on the phone

asked. Librarian:9A.M. But why did u call me at home

in the middle of the night to ask a question like

that? Not until 9A.M.? the man asked in a disappointed

voice. Librarian:No, not till nine A.M. But why do u

want to get in before 9A.M.?Who said I wanted to get

in? the man sighed sadly. I want to get out.

Having lost his donkey Mohan, got down to his knees

and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and

asked, Ur donkey is missing; what are u thanking God

for ? Mohan:I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I

wasnt riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I

would have been missing too.

2 boys were arguing when the teacher entered the

room.The teacher says,Y r u arguing? One boy

answers,We found Rs.100 note and decided to give it to

whoever tells the biggest lie. U should be ashamed of

urselves, sd the teacher,When I ws ur age I didnt even

know what a lie ws. The boys gave the Rs.100 note to

the teacher.

A young man was hired by a supermarket. On his Ist

day,the manager greeted him with a warm handshake and

a smile,gave him a broom,and said, Ur Ist job will be

to sweep out the store.But I m a college graduate, the

young man replied indignantly.Manager: Oh,I m sorry.I

didnt realize that.Here, give me the broom -- I ll

show you how.

A pessimist, and optimist, and an engineer were having breakfast together. They
all had their glasses half full of whatever they were drinking when they stopped
to look at them. Pessimist:My glass is half empty. Optimist:My glass is half full.
Engineer:Who has made this glass?It has twice the mass required to hold the fluid.

2 bachelors were talking about their respective choice

of life partner.First said,It is generally said that

people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. Wats ur opinion?
The friend replied,Yes,they r right.Thas y I am looking for a girl with money!

Raj:Do u know that Jai was wounded in the war because

he was wearing a Mosquito net instead of Bullet proof

jacket. Viru:But why was a wearing the mosquito net?

Raj:He thought how can a bullet pierce it when a small

mosquito cant pierce it!

Teacher: Today, were going to talk about the tenses.

Now, if I say I am beautiful, which tense is it?

Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Seema: Raj, did u like my performance in my last play

on the stage? U know, after my death scene in that

play, my parents cried like anything. Raj: It may be

very true, because ur parents knew u were not actually

dead.
Jai: Suhasi, is that ur son who is putting water in my

hat? Suhasi: No Jai, thats my husbands hat. My son is

just over there burying ur coat in sand.

Jai and Raj robbed a bank and messed it up,managing to

escape with 2 bags that they found on the floor.They

took 1 bag each.After awhile they met again and Jai

asked Raj, What did u find in your sack? Raj: Rs.10

lakhs. Jai: That s great! What did u do with the cash?

Raj: I bought a house.How about ur bag? Jai:It was

full of bills...little by little I'm paying them off.

Mr. Smith receives a phone call: Sir, u can win our

top prize of million Rs. instantly if u answer with a

NO to my first question. Are u ready? Man: YES.

CEO was scheduled to speak at an important occasion,

so he asked Ram to write an interesting 20-minute

speech.When the CEO returned from the big event, he

was furious. CEO:Ram! Why did u write an hour-long

speech; half the audience walked out before I

finished.Ram: I wrote a 20-minute speech and I also

gave u the 2 extra copies u asked for.

Lawyer: How many passengers were there in ur taxi?

Driver:4. Lawyer:And u drove them to a lonely place

and killed them? Driver:Yes, sir. Lawyer:What do u

have to say now? Driver:Who will pay the taxi fare???

(Dialogue between computer hardware engineer and

manager) Engineer : Sir, you cant use this printer

right now because I dont have driver for it.

Manager:Oh my driver is idle sitting in car, u can use

him.

Mohan: What would you like to do today? Sohan:I m not

sure. Let s think... Mohan: No, let s do something

that u too can do.

Nurse to patient:How old r u, Ria? Ria:None of ur

business. Nurse:But the doctor must know ur age for

his records. Ria:Ok,1st multiply 20 by 2, then add 10.

Got that? Nurse:Yes,50. Ria:Ok,now subtract 50.

Nurse:Zero??? Ria:And thats exactly the chance of

Ram: I have finally made a resolution this year.

Shyam: That s great! What s ur resolution? Ram: I have

decided that I am going to live within my income this

year even if I have to borrow money to do it.

Viru was in hospital after he lost his arm in an

accident.Jai: It was really bad that you lost ur

hand.However thank God that it was your left hand,

since u r right handed.Viru: It is also coz of my

quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which

was going to be caught in the machine.Then I realised

that I am right handed and so switched hands just in

time.

In a General knowledge class, the teacher asked

students about the difference between a king and a

president. Ramu quickly replied, A king is the son of

his father, while a president is not.

1 morning,a mother went in to wake up her son.’Wake

up,son. Its time to go to school!’ Son:No,I dont want

to go.Mother:Give me 2 reasons why u dont want to

go.Son:Well, the kids hate me for 1, and the teachers

hate me,too! Mother:Thats no reason; come on now and

get ready.Son:Give me 2 reasons why I shud go to school.Mother:Well, for 1,u r 52

yrs. old.And for another,u r the Principal

Once three turtles decided to go on a picnic.When they

got there,they realized they had forgotten the

soda.The youngest turtle said he would go home and get

it if they wouldnt eat the snacks until he got back. A

week went by, then a month, finally a year,two turtles

said: oh,come on, lets eat the snacks.Suddenly the

little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said:If

you do,I wont go!

I cant see very far, the patient told the optician.

Optician: Come outside. Whats that in the sky?

Patient: The sun. Optician: How much further do u want

to see?

Mother: What did u learn in school today? Jai: How to

write. Mother: What did u write? Jai: I dont know,

they havent taught us how to read yet.

Shiela:U know, I broke my engagement with Jai.

Leela:Hows that? Shiela:U see, my feelings are changed completely from what they
were when I accepted him. Leela:But why do u still wear the ring? Shiela:Oh, my
feelings toward the ring are just the same.
Herolal joined a company as a trainee.On his 1st day

he dialed for canteen and shouted:Get me a tea

quickly.Man from other side: U fool uve dialed wrong

extension! Do u know who u r talking to? Herolal:No.

Man:Its the M D of the company,u fool. Herolal: And do

u know who U r talking to, u fool? Man: No! Herolal:

Good!

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.The lawyer thundered,
Have u ever been married? Yes, sir, said the witness in a low voice. Once. Lawyer:
Whom did u marry? Witness: Well, a woman. The lawyer said angrily, Of course, u
married a woman. Did u ever hear of anyone marrying a man?

Witness: My sister did.

A man was weeping in the zoo, so a woman comes up to

him and asked why he was crying. Man:An elephant died today.Woman:And u r crying
because he was a friend of urs? Man:No, its because I have to bury him.

Chemistry Teacher: What happens if we leave a piece of

iron outside? Rohan: It rusts. Teacher: And if we

leave a piece of gold? Rohan: It disappears.

Two men are talking. The first said, I got married

because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house,

doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes. Amazing,

said the second, I just got divorced for the very same

reasons.

Boss:Jai, do u believe in life after death? Jai:Yes,

but why did u ask this? Boss:Because while u were at

ur grandmothers funeral yesterday, she came to the

office to see u.

Karan was very upset to see the report card of his

son, so he started scolding him; U know, when Abraham

Lincoln was of ur age, he was earning his own living .

Son:I dont know that, but I do know that when he was

of ur age, he was the President of Americ

Viru:Bhiru, last year the name-plate outside ur house

read Bhiru B.A. This year it reads Bhiru M.A.;when did

u get ur Masters degree? Bhiru:U dont understand. Last

year my wife died,I put B.A to indicate Bachelor

Again. Then I took a 2nd wife, so M.A. is

Husband:Darling,I think I should get u a chefs

cap.Wife:Im very happy to know that u liked the food

so much;but there was nothing new in it.Husband:Its

just that I found 2 of ur hair in it.

Maths teacher: Tell me Rohan, if u have 4 mangoes and

I ask u to give me 3, what will be left? Rohan:Four.

Teacher: How? Rohan: Well, Im not a fool to give u the

mangoes!

After becoming famous actor Mr.Popat decides to pose

for a picture.To show he is down to earth he decides

to pose along with a herd of buffaloes and resting his

elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the

photo.Next day the photo appears on front page of a

newspaper with captionMr.Popat, third from left.

Viru and Basanti were walking down the road when

Basanti turned to Viru and said, Hey look at that dog

with one eye! Viru covered up one of his eyes and

asked, Where?

Thief : Quickly hand over ur purse,I have a gun. Lady:

Here take it. Thief : Ha! ha! No bullets in my gun.

Lady: Ha! ha! No money in my purse.

Sita: Gita,u r looking different today. Gita:

Yes,doctor has asked me to loose some weight. Sita: So

have u lost. Gita: Yes, I have stopped putting my make

up.
A little girl was travelling in a bus with her mother.

The bus conductor approached her and asked, How old

are u? Girl: Only 6. Conductor: And when will u be 10?

Girl: As soon as I get down from the bus.

Teacher: Y r u late? Student: There ws a man who lost

a Rs.100 note. Teacher: Thats nice.Were u helping him

look for it? Student: No,I was standing on it.

Pilot to flight attendant: Bring me some some cotton

balls for my ears.Flight attendant: Does the roar of

engines hurt ur ears?Pilot: No, but the screaming

will, when Ill announce that weve lost our landing

gear.
A heavily drunk man went to church on a Sunday,few

minutes before the mass began.The priest, who was

standing outside the church,asked him,Don’t u know

that its a sin to come to church after drinking

alcohol? The man replied coolly, I know that, Father.I

have come to confess,to purge my sins.

Little Ria: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Ria, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Ria:

But I asked first!

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted.

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all

said the same thing: You can have mine.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had

his eyes closed. Whats the matter? Are you sick? he

asked. No, Im okay,Its just that I hate to see old

ladies standing.

Mr.Popat believed five was his special number.He was

born on May 5,had five children and lived at 555 Fifth

Avenue. At the races on his 55th birthday, he was

delighted to find a horse named Fifo running in the

fifth race from barrier 5. Exactly five minutes before

the race, Mr.Popat went to betting window No.5 and put

5000 Rs.on Fifo.It finished fifth.

Birju was heavily drunk, so he was caught and taken to

the nearest police station. Birju:Whyve I been brought

here? Inspector:Uve been brought in for drinking.

Birju:Great! When do we start it!!!

Applying for a job as an industrial spy, 6 applicants

were each given a sealed envelope and told to take

them to the 4th floor.As soon as he was alone, one man

opened his envelope. Inside was a message that read:

Ure our kind of person. Report to the 5th

With the storm raging, the captain realised his ship

was sinking fast. He called out, Does anyone here know

how to pray?One man stepped forward. Yes, Captain, I

pray a lot. Good, said the captain. U pray while the

rest of us put on life jackets. Were one short.

Amit : Meet my new born brother.Bunty : Oh, he is so

handsome! Whats his name? Amit : I dont know. I cant

understand a word he says.

After firing 50 bullets there is only one hole in ur

target! the officer-in-charge shouted at a trainee

soldier. Soldier: Thats not my fault sir, all the

bullets must have gone through the same hole!

The collector asked Popatlal for his rail ticket.

Popat searched his pockets but could not find it.

Never mind, reassured the collector, I will take your

word that you bought your ticket. That is very kind of

you, replied Popat,but if I dont find it, I want to

know where to get off.

Lost in Sahara Desert, a tourist begged a passing

tribesman for water.Tribesman: Sorry,I have no

water,but I do have a selection of lovely ties for

sale.U must be crazy,sd tourist and walked on.He saw a

hotel far in the distance.Crawling at last into the

lobby,he croaked,Please give me water. Im sorry, sir,

the doorman said.We dont let anyone in without a tie.

A customer at a restaurant said: Waiter,I think Ive

had too much to drink;please give me something thatll

wake me up. Waiter:Sure sir, Ill bring u ur bill

immediately.

While at the college Viru happened to watch the notice

board.It reads: Invites suggestions for the

modification of Ladies Room. Viru writes under -Let

the men Permit to Enter.

Patient: Everyday you probe my wound,it hurts me a

lot.Doctor: Well, I must find the bullet.Patient: why

didnt you say that before? I had it in my pocket all

the time.

Raj returned from the office and asked his wife, why

the dinner wasnt ready. Wife:U only abused the maid on telephone and now u are asking
why the dinner is not ready! Husband:Oh, Im so sorry. When I was speaking on the
phone, I thought it was u!

Teacher:Viki! U tell me why do we use the term etc.?

Viki:Its so simple sir, its just to make people think

that we know much more than we actually do.

Bobby and Sony were working on a roof, when Bobby

slipped and fell to the ground.Sony leaned over and

called out: Are u dead or alive,Bobby? Bobby:Alive.

Sony:U are a liar.I dont know whether to believe u or

not. Bobby:Then I must be dead,because u would

Friend to a new actor: Is ur 1st picture a tragedy or

comedy? New actor: It all depends on the sale of

tickets. Friend: What do u mean by sale of tickets?

New actor: If lot of tickets are sold, its a comedy,

otherwise its a tragedy.

The wife wanted to do some shopping during the day and

so, at breakfast, she asked her husband for Rs.100. Husband:Money, money, money!
Every day of the week, u want more money. If u ask me, I think u need brains more
than u need money. Wife:Perhaps so, but I asked u for what I thought u had the most
of.

Doctor: The cheque u gave me came back. Patient:Thats funny…so did my backache.

Som and Sheela went for skiing, Som brought along a

big thermos. Sheela had never seen one,so she asked

what it was. Som:Its a thermos.The shopkeeper told me

its used for keeping hot things hot and cold things

cold.Sheela: Thats great! What do u have in it? Som: 3

coffees and an ice-cream.

Ravi wanted to lose weight desperately and so he

consulted a doctor.The doctor told him that if he ran

8 kms a day for 300 days,he would lose 34 kgs.Ravi

followed the doctors advice and at the end of 300

days,he called the doctor to report that he had

actually lost weight,but had a problem.Whats the

problem?, asked the doctor. I am 2400 kilometers away

from home,sd Ravi

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair

and blue jeans.Is it a boy or a girl? B: Its a

girl.Shes my daughter. A: Oh, Im sorry, sir. I didnt

know that u were her father. B: Im not. Im her mother.

The hostess at a party served a guest a glass of cold drink.Next,she offered same
to another man, who said,I would rather like to have a hard drink.Hearing this,the
first man poured his cold drink back into the bowl and said, Sorry, I didnt know
we had a choice.
Believing that Mr. Kumar will forget their 40th

wedding anniversary, Mrs. Kumar tried to refresh his

memory by saying: Do u realize, its exactly 40yrs.

today that weve been sitting on the same chairs every

morning. Mr. Kumar: So? Do u want to swap the chairs?

On his Ist day to jail,Ram heard the other inmates

laughing after one of them called out a

number.Mystified,he asked his cellmate Viru what was

happening. Viru:V know all our jokes so well that to

save time we’ve numbered them.Thinking he would join

in,Ram shouted 208.To his amazement, everyone started

to laugh. Viru wiped tears from his eyes and said, “We hadn’t heard that one
before.

Husband:I am tired of our marriage; u keep one side of

the house and Ill keep the other. Wife:Perfect! U keep

the outside.

Why does a Popat keeps empty beer bottles in his

fridge? They are there for those who don t drink.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes

to see his doctor.Doctor, I just cant get to sleep at night.Doctor asked, Have you
tried counting sheep? Thats the problem - I make a mistake and then spend 3 hours
trying to find it.,he replied.

(Viru dialled to talk to his dear pal Jai)Is that

1234?.asked Viru. No this is 1235,came the reply.

After thinking for few secs,Viru replied,No matter,

please call Mr.Jai from next door.

A man was driving down the road when he saw a sign

that says, Watch for fallen rocks.A few miles ahead,

he saw some rocks at the side of the road, so he

stopped and picked them up. He carried the rocks to

the Highway maintenance office and put them on the counter.Man:Here r ur fallen
rocks.Now, give me my watch.

Bhima died and met Yamraj. Yamraj:Weve checked ur life

and we didn’t find something really good or bad.So we

don’t know what to do with u.Can u help? Bhima thot

for a sec. and said,Ya once I helped a girl who was

being harassed by a gang,so I went to thei

Mohan:Dad, can u write in the dark? Father:I think so.

But what do u want me to write? Mohan:Ur name on this

report card.
Jai went to a bar and called the waiter, Can I have a

glass of less, please? Barman: I’m sorry, but that’s a

new one to me. Where did u hear about it? Jai: Well,

only last week my doctor advised me to drink less.

Judge: There are 5 eyewitnesses that say they saw u

run off with the typewriter, yet u claim it was a case

of mistaken identity? Accused: Thats right, ur

honour…I thougt it was a cash register.

Jai had a dream of flying helicopters,so he bought 1

and took lessons.During his 1st solo flight,the

helicopter went up and then down, down-hard.What

happened? instructor asked Jai came out of the

wreckage.Jai:Its like,I took her up to 1000mts,no

problem.So,I took her up to 2000mts,no problem.Then,I

took her up to 3000mts and it started getting a bit

cold,so I turned off the ceiling fan.

Raj: Darling,do you think you can live on my income?

Neha: Of course,I can,dear,but what will u live on?

Jai and Viru went into a pub and after ordering two

beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and

started to eat them.You cant eat your own sandwiches

in here, complained the pub-owner. So both of them

exchanged their sandwiches.

A corrupt man offered a politician a new car in return

for a favour. You know I cant accept that, the

politician protested. Its bribery. The man pointed out

that he could sell the car to the politician for Rs 50 thousand.In that case, said
the politician,Ill take two.

A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approaches her

and says,Hi, sweetie. Want a little company? Why? asks

the woman. Do you have one to sell?

Im fed up with ur jealousy, a wife tells her husband.

Do u think I dont realise re having me followed by a

private detective whos tall, handsome, has green eyes

and is very nice, though a little shy at first?

Rich Father: Well,young man,speak quickly! Do you want

to marry my daughter or want to borrow money? Young

man:I would prefer both.

Mr Sharma said to Mr Verma:Your son just threw a rock

at me as I passed by. Mr.Verma: Did it hit u? Mr

Sharma:No. Mr Verma: well then,mister,it wasnt my son

Viru: Why is prime minister not seen in morning. Jai:

Because he is pm not am.

Once Viru was walking.He had a gloves on one hand and

not on other, so a man asked him why did he do so.He

replied that the weather forecast announced that on

one hand there would be cold and on the other hand

there would be hot.

Teacher: Mohan, how do you spell crocodile? Mohan: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L. Teacher:
No, thats wrong. Mohan: Maybe its wrong, but you ask me how I spell it.

Landlord:Well, u havent paid ur rent for the last

month. Tenant:No? Im sorry for that but I hope u will

hold me on to ur agreement? Landlord:Agreement! Which agreement? Tenant:Well, when

u rented me the house, u said I must pay in advance or not at all.

Pinku was brought to court on charges of drunken

driving. Just before the trial, there was a commotion

in the gallery.The judge pounded the gavel on his

table and shouted, Order, order. Pinku immediately

responded, Thank u , ur honour, I will have a sc

Once a man went to a pet shop to buy a talking parrot.

He saw a parrot with a red string tied to one of his

legs and a blue one to the other. He asked the

shopkeeper, What are these strings for? Shopkeeper: If

u pull the red string, the parrot speaks French and if

u pull the blue one he speaks English! Man: Wow! And

what if I pull both the strings? The parrot screams

from the cage, I ll fall down, stupid!

While filling out an employment application, a man

paused over the question, person to notify in case of

an accident. After some thought, he finally wrote,

Anybody in sight.

Husband:We missed the flight just because of u.Cant u

get ready on time? Wife:Relax! It was just a matter of

seconds; and if u had not kept hurrying me all the

time, we would have arrived later and would not have

to wait so long for the next flight.

Raj: So your wife no more fights with you! Prem:Yes.

Raj: How is this possible? Prem: She died.

A temple visitor to a beggar:well, aren’t u ashamed of

urself to stand here begging outside the temple?

Begger: what do u expect?Should I open an office for

this purpose?

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,Arent

u wearing ur wedding ring on the wrong finger? The

other replied,Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

The doctor to the patient:You are very sick.The

patient to the doctor: Can I get a second opinion?.The

doctor again: Yes, you are very ugly too…

Mother: Did u enjoy ur 1st day at school? Girl: 1st

day? Do u mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Sheela: Working full time and trying to do the

housework gets me down. Today I came home and washed

the clothes and the dishes. Tomorrow I have to clean

the kitchen floor and the front windows. Leela: What

about your husband? Sheela: No way! He can wash

himself!
Man:My barber has invented a fantastic machine.You

stick ur head in and it shaves u in a matter of

seconds. Friend:Thats impossible! Everyones head is

shaped differently. Man:Sure,but only at first.

Viru stayed on the ground floor of a building and Jai

on the 25th floor.One day wen the lift ws nt

working,Jai invited Viru for dinner.Viru trudged up to

25th floor to find Jais flat locked frm outside and

had a note which read:Did u enjoy ur dinner? Not to be outdone,wrote under it,Sorry,I
cud nt make it.

Jai had just entered bar when a man shouted: Run for

ur lives! Gabbar is coming!. As every1 scattered, an

giant man burst through the doors and said,Give me a

drink.Jai quickly handed a bottle of whisky.The huge

man downed it in one gulp,then ate the

bottle.Paralysed with fear. Jai:Cn I get u another

drink? Man:No,Ive got to go.Dint u hear,Gabbar is

coming!

Viru: U have to be fit to play cricket, dont u? U

certainly do.I get up at 5, run for 2 miles, come back

and do 4 hours of exercises. Jai: How long have u been

doing it?.Viru: I started yesterday.

The enormous diamond ring Mrs.Dutt wore on a luxury

cruise attracted much attention from fellow

passengers. Its the American diamond, she told her

table companions,but it carries a terrible curse.

Whats the curse? they asked.Mr.Dutt, explained the

woman.
Jai: I have heard that ur uncle went to jail for

stealing. Viru: Thats not right…he went to jail

because he got caught stealing.

The traffic policeman stopped the car driver for

crossing the traffic signal on a red. Didnt u see the

red light? growled the policeman. Rohan: Yes I did,

but I didnt see u!

Som was drinking at a bar when he received a telephone

call. He had just bought glass of beer and didnt want

anyone to drink it.So,he wrote a little sign and left

it by his beer that said: Theres a cockroach in my

beer. When he returned, there was another

Gopi went to see the movie Jurassic Park in a theatre.

One of the shots showed the dinosaurs running directly

towards the audience and Gopi lowered in his

seat.Seeing his state,his friend, Somu asked, Whats

the matter? Why are u afraid? Its only a film.

Doctor:It appears ur complaint is hereditary.

Patient:Thank u, doctor. Now u better send my bill to

my grandfather.

Raj was sitting on his porch, when a man walked up

with a pad and pencil in his hand. Raj: What can I do

for u? Are u selling something? Man: No, sir, Im not.

Im a Census Taker. Raj: A what? Man: A Census Taker,

were trying to find out how many people are in the

India. Raj: Well, ure wasting ur time here, I have no

idea.
As a policeman wrote a ticket for speeding, the driver

got furious: What the hell do I do with ur ticket?

Policeman: Keep it, when u collect 12, u’ll get a

bicycle!

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness

stand in court.He was approached by the defense lawyer

who asked, Did anyone tell u what to say in court?

Boy:Yes Sir. Lawyer:I thought so.Who was it? Boy:My

father,sir. Lawyer:And what did he tell u?

Teacher:Raju, name one important thing we have today

that we didnt have 15 years ago. Raju:Me!

Rajs father came home from his doctor and, though

usually quite active with the children, seemed to make

every effort to avoid them.Raj noticed his dad

avoiding the kids and asked him the reason.Immediately

his father took out the prescription out of his pocket

and handed it to Raj.His father said,Read the label.

Raj took the bottle and read, Take 2 pills a day.Keep

away from children.

Mohan goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

Sir, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at

home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the

top floor and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

Boss:Were short-handed, Mohan. I cant give u the day

off. Mohan:Thanks, Sir! I knew I could count on u.

Doctor:Did u take my advice about ur insomnia and

count before going to sleep? Patient:Yes.I got as far

as 24,534 and then it was time to get up.

With the storm raging, the captain realised his ship

was sinking fast. He called out,Does anyone here know

how to pray?One man stepped forward.Yes, Captain, I

pray a lot. Good,said the captain.You pray while the

rest of us put on life jackets. Were one short.

Judge to accused:Have u anything to offer before I

pass sentence on u? Accused:No,Your Honour. My lawyer

took my last note

Teacher: Anil, why do u always get so dirty? Anil:

Well, Im a lot closer to the ground than u r!!

Rahul:Do you know what really amazes me about you?

Ria: No.What? Rahul: Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about

someone else!

Headmaster: Ive had complaints about you, Rahul, from

all ur teachers. Wat have u been doing? Rahul:

Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly.

Jai: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. Viru: Yes, sir.

You are a taxi.

Father: Wat did u do today to help ur mother? Son: I

dried the dishes. Daughter: And I helped pick up the

pieces.

Two cockroaches were munching on rubbish. I was in

that new restaurant across the street, said one. Its

so clean! The kitchen is spotless and the floors

gleam.Its the most sanitary place Ive ever seen.

Please, frowned the other cockroach,Not while Im

eating!

Jai: Y r u crying? Viru: The elephant is dead. Jai: Ws

he ur pet? Viru: No, but Im the one who must dig his

grave.

A young man bought an expensive locket as a present

for his girlfriend. Dont u want her name engraved upon

it? asked the jeweller. The young man thought for a

moment & replied,No,just engrave it: To My One And

Only Love.That way,if we break up & she throws it back

to me in anger,I can use it again.

Hearing that a zookeeper had managed to train a lion

to live with a lamb in the same cage, a man went there

to confirm.Amazingly, the man found the animals lying

next to each other.Man:How did u do this? Is it a

trick? Zookeeper:No,its been going on for 3 months

now; but I dont mind telling u.Weve had to replace the

lamb a few times.