LOVE & SEX ADDICTIONS

SEXUAL DEPENDENCY
Sexual Dependency - is an international term that defines a wide range of maladaptive and self-defeating behavior patterns and relationships like:

Love Addiction Romance Addiction Sexual Anorexia Sex Addiction

Sexual Dependency Scientists in the field of addictions are currently denoting that about 3-6% of the worlds population are now affected by a sexual dependency or compulsivity. You have to know that sexual dependency is a diagnosable and treatable disease, which today is common, regarded in about the same way that alcoholism and drug addiction (chemical dependency) was regarded 40 years ago. Nonetheless, there still exists a wide range of

comprehensible misunderstandings about compulsive sexual acting

out, created out of lack of knowledge about the nature of sexual addiction, and supported by the multibillion dollar pornography

industry.

LOVE ADDICTION
1) a disorder in which people frequently become involved in enmeshed, intense, codependent relationships, even when those relationships or partners are unhelpful (vocab on next slide)

ENMESHMENT
Relationships without clear

boundaries; individuals do not

know where He/She starts or

stops and the other person(s)

begins

CODEPENDENCY
relationship addiction unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life

CODEPENDENCY CAN OCCUR IN ANY TYPE OF R E L A T I O N S H I P, I N C L U D I N G F A M I L Y, W O R K , F R I E N D S H I P, AND ALSO ROMANTIC, PEER OR COMMUNITY RELATIONSHIPS.

Codependency may also be characterized by

Denial low self-esteem excessive compliance or control patterns

Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

SIGNS YOU MAY NEED HELP:

Those in enmeshed relationships are often the last to see it. But with awareness you can start to recognize some of the signs:

1. If you cannot not tell the difference between your own emotions and those of
a person with whom you have a relationship. 2. If you feel like you need to rescue someone from their emotions.

3. If you feel like you need someone else to rescue you from your own emotions.
4. If you and another person do not have any personal emotional time and space. These symptoms indicate that your relationship might benefit from the help of a qualified family therapist.

DR. BRENDA SCHAEFFER

Excerpts from newly released Loves Way: The Union of Body, Ego, Soul

and Spirit, by Dr. Brenda Schaeffer, Hazelden, Center City, MN, 2001. This
and her best seller, Is It Love or Is It Addiction?, are available at your local bookstore, http://www.loveandaddiction.com or by calling1-888-987-6129. Brenda Schaeffer, D.Min., licensed psychologist, author and certified addiction specialist, is an experienced therapist, teacher and international speaker. She has a private practice in Eden Prairie, MN. She can be reached by calling 952-9039215 or via email: brenda@loveaddiction.com.

DEFINITION
Love addiction is any unhealthy attachment to
people, euphoria, romance or sex

in an attempt to get needs met.

P S Y C H O L O G I C A L L Y, L OV E A D D I C T I O N I S A RELIANCE ON SOMEONE EXTERNAL TO THE SELF IN AN ATTEMPT TO:

heal past trauma get unmet needs fulfilled avoid fear or emotional pain solve problems fill our loneliness maintain balance

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF HEALTHY LOVE

People in healthy relationships have the following characteristics: 1. They allow for individuality.

2. They experience both oneness with and separateness from another. 3. They bring out the best qualities in self and another.

4. They accept endings. 5. They experience openness to change and exploration.

6. They invite growth in the other person. 7. They experience true intimacy. 8. They feel the freedom to ask honestly for what is wanted.

9. They experience giving and receiving in the same way. 10. They do not attempt to change or control the other. 11. They encourage self-sufficiency of partners.

12. They accept limitations of self and other. 13. They do not seek unconditional love. 14. They accept and respect commitment.

15. They have a high self-esteem 16. They trust the memory of the beloved; they enjoy solitude. 17. They express feelings spontaneously.

18. They welcome closeness; risk vulnerability. 19. They care with detachment. 18. They affirm equality and personal power of self and other.

ROMANCE ADDICTION

a disorder in which people become fanatical with the

intrigue and the chase of romance and prosper on the thrill of the chase, but find it impossible to maintain a committed, intimate relationship with another person.

ROMANCE ADDICTION QUESTIONNAIRE B Y B R E N DA S C H A E F F E R

Are you easily in love with being in love? Do you like melodrama: being a rescued victim or the hero? Are longing and melancholy familiar to you? Do you gravitate to romance novels or movies? Is being wanted extremely important to you? Is the attraction phase of a relationship what matters most? Do you live in a future of perfected love? Do you look for love? Are your fantasy outcomes often disappointing? Is there a familiar pattern in your selection of partners? Do you get high on the rush of intoxicating feelings? Do you self medicate with relationships? Do you compromise your values when in love? Is heartbreak familiar? (-continued)

 Is your choice of music romantic, dramatic or euphoric?

Do you wander off mentally or physically when the romantic high wears off ?
Do you have long distance affairs or affairs with the unavailable? Do you have unrealistic expectations of the love object?

Do you feel anxiety when the romantic object is absent?

Do you suffer withdrawal symptoms when the romantic object is not there? Do you suffer from depression related to your romantic affairs? Do you obsess about love or the love object? Do you chase the illusion? Do you fantasize about those you are not in a relationship with? Do you find romanticizing soothes you? Are you lured by intermittent reinforcement (periodic attention)? Have you ever stalked the love object or called to check up on the love object? Does your romanticizing interfere with other areas of your life: family, children, work, spiritual, relational, financial? (-continued)

 Do your friends ever confront you on your romantic encounters? Do you like living on the edge of perfected love? Do you escape through rich fantasy life? Do you crave ecstasy feelings?

Check yes or no to the above. These are signs of romance addiction. 12 or more affirmative answers indicate that romance is being used like a drug of choice and may be an addiction. Remember that romance can be a delightful part of our love relationships and bring out the best in us. It is when we have become over identified with this experience that it hurts a person.

SEXUAL ANOREXIA
a) a disorder in which individuals become

dominated and obsessed with the emotional,

physical, and mental task of avoiding sex. b) an extreme fear of sexual intimacy and obsessive avoidance of sex

ACCORDING TO PATRICK CARNES*:

*Patrick Carnes is the leading authority/pioneer of Sexual Addictions People with sexual anorexia can endure a decade of acting out and then a decade of no sex at all, or a person can have no sex with a spouse and act out with lots of anonymous sex outside the marriage.

Both men and women can suffer from sexual anorexia.

PERSONAL HISTORIES OFTEN INCLUDE:

sexual exploitation some form of severely traumatic sexual rejection or both

IT IS ALSO POSSIBLE THAT A PERSON CAN BE:

both sexually addicted

AND sexually anorexic

acting out sexually in meaningless relationships AND paralyzed sexually with intimate relationships (See Next Slide)

S U KI H A N F L I N G, A CL I N I CA L S O CI A L WO R KE R , THERAPIST AND DIRECTOR OF THE INSTITUTE FOR S E X UA L I T Y & I N T I M A C Y I N WA LT H A M , M A S S

Only in the last six to seven years has this

condition which she describes as an inability to

combine sex and emotional intimacy become endemic.

The Internet, of course, has only accelerated and deepened the problem.

PAUL HOKEMEYER, PHD, JD

As a therapist who specializes in the treatment of addictive disorders, I see
day in and day out how intricately connected sexual issues are to addictions. Both men and women who survive sexual abuse & trauma are at a higher risk for developing substance abuse problems than people who have not had

negative sexual experiences.

(- CONTINUED) Conflict over one's sexual identity is one of the reasons many people

abuse alcohol and drugs.

When a person has a traumatic

sexual past or troubling sexual present

they use substances & methods to manage painful emotions.

 Sexual anorexia is one of the ways people attempt to manage emotional pain. By closing the door on their sexual lives, these men and women feel a

sense of mastery over their bodies, their lives and most importantly
their emotions.

FOUR OF THE MOST COMMON C H A R AC T E R I S T I C S

1. Rigidity around sex (i.e. never having sex and/or refusing to discuss sex) 2. Fear of sex, sexuality and sexually related issues and objects (i.e. becoming anxious when the topic of sex is discussed, when other people express their sexuality, or when sexual objects such as lingerie are shown or discussed)

3. Shame and guilt around sex (i.e. feeling damaged because of your sexual past or current sexual desires)

4. Self-harm to avoid appearing sexual (i.e. gaining weight to avoid sexual

advances from others; anorexic to avoid sexual development)

TREATMENT
There is no one standard solution. Different approaches work for different people. Sexuality involves vulnerability, intimacy and trust. Goal is to have nurturing and safe intimate encounters.

SEX ADDICTION
a disorder in which individuals become obsessed

with sexually-related, compulsive self-defeating

maladaptive behavior.

(PATRICK CARNES)
It is NOT specific activities that identify addiction(a rapist may not necessarily be a sexual addict) It is the compulsive nature of the behaviors that demonstrates addiction. (See next slide)

A D D I C T S H AV E T R I E D O F T E N T O S T O P A N D FA I L E D . T H E I R B E H A V I O R G E N E R A L L Y CONFORMS TO A CYCLE:

1. Preoccupation - the addict becomes completely engrossed with sexual thoughts or fantasies.

2. Ritualization - the addict follows special routines in a search for sexual stimulation, which intensifies the experience and may be more important than reaching orgasm. (-continued)

3. Compulsive sexual behavior - the addict's specific sexual acting out. 4. Despair - the acting out does not lead to normal sexual satisfaction but to feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness, depression and the like.

A BASIC TEST
In addition, Carnes proposes a basic test for whether a

particular sexual behavior has become addictive:

1. It is a secret. 2. It is abusive or degrading to self or others. 3. It is used to avoid (or is a source of) painful feelings. 4. It is empty of a caring, committed relationship.

ISSUES FOR SEX ADDICTIONS

Treatment will focus on two main issues.:

The first is the logistical concerns of separating you from

harmful sexual behavior in the same way drug addicts need

to be separated from drugs.

The second and most difficult issue involves facing the

guilt, shame and depression associated with this illness.

TREATMENT
A. 12-Step Programs - Sexaholics Anonymous SA pursues abstinence only from compulsive, destructive sexual behavior B. Cognitive-Behavior Therapy C. Interpersonal Therapy D. Group Therapy E. Medication (anti-depressants)

OTHER SEXUAL ADDICTIONS

1. Fetishes
a) an intense focus on an inanimate object (like a shoe), a body part (like a foot) or a medium (such as leather or silk) that's essential to a person's arousal but does not have any inherent sensuality b) cannot have a satisfying sexual experience without the object and it's a problem, often interfering with real intimacy and sometimes resulting in destructive behavior

2. VOYEURISM
a) Peeping Tom b) intense sexual arousal from observing an unsuspecting person who is naked, in the process of disrobing, or engaging in sexual activity, as manifested by fantasies, urges, or behaviors.

3. SADO/MASOCHISM
a) a disorder in which one is sexually aroused by receiving or inflicting pain or humiliation b) falls under the psychiatric sexual disorders category of paraphilias c) Masochists may inflict their own pain through shocking, pricking or choking (which have resulted in accidental death in some cases)

4. PEDOPHILIA

(Sex with a child, generally 13 yrs. or younger)

Fixated 1. No Alchohol or Drugs 2. Boys 3. Planned

Regressed

1. Stress Alcohol & Drugs

2. Girls 3. Reaction to Stress 4. Has or has had adult relationships

4. No Adult Relationships

Fixated (or exclusive type) pedophilia: considers himself to be trapped in childhood has few adult relationships and relate better with children typically men who are interested in boys

Regressed (or nonexclusive type) pedophilia:

*views the child as an adult substitute and relate to her as an adult *typically a heterosexual male who is married *most often molests eight or nine year old girls