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HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT I am the you You always wanted me to be Through the eyes with no integrity Through the

hearts Of non knowledgeable pain Existing in only a small ounce of grain I am flawless In a perfect world One that appreciates non-conformity I am soothing To all that listens and hears To all that came before me I am right But never righted In a world of wrongs I am a melody Made silent You will sing about me in songs I am remembered In a tranquil state Within my un-reality I am just me Plain old me Another of lifes sweet casualties

SILENCE SCREAMS Silence screams, shadows mourn Oh the futility of emotive dreams Leaves chaotic emotions dancing in swarms It is all around you Eating away at your skin Cluttering up your mind Leaving you helpless in finding One direction You know you are doing things right It is the worlds need to remain Sheltered that has it all wrong Yet sorrow, your daily consumption You dance to silence this treacherous song It is only you that whispers, hush it will be okay For no one else wishes to stand up for you They only secretively wish you to go away It is very lonely out here... No wonder you feel so utterly alone Your presence gives to those Around their precious wants Vacating any chance to finding home So with each passing day Your resolve begins to falter The path to fullness leaves you Blind and empty, all for the belief You deserve something so much better Yes my child, be strong for all that it is worth It is only because of your over active imagination That you continue to live with all this hurt

BURNING INSIDE Terrorist thoughts Plaguing my soul Beating me down Out of my control Penalty box Permanent residence for me Nightmares of torment Instead of dreams Screaming, pounding My mind plays me for the fool Rip out my heart With the use of homemade tools Haunted, forgotten This woman inside This child remains tortured No where to hide Carve my pain upon my wrists Watch me bleed As I spew out My fathers evil seed

MYSTERIUM .In the here and now .I wonder in constant, wow ..Of things unseen Felt to extremes .The meaning behind it all Somehow..

CLOSURE Do you want me to tell you That I am okay? I am not! Does that mean nothing has changed? It will all be over soon, so they say Over? For whom? It is still too high a price to pay My babies are gone The man responsible soon to die My pain is still very strong And for years I will still cry! Cry for him, my children and myself too It is just beginning You tell me what is the use? I don't know what to say Or even what to feel I just know it will never fade Forever our fates have been sealed Am I supposed to watch him die? The death penalty has been over exposed Where does one find the closure in that? Wounds lie open while the case is closed God, please forgive me and all of my hate My only hope is that Gods taste of revenge is sweet, because otherwise I am having a very difficult time living With all of this so called closure I seek

MYSTIC FLIGHT It is a mystic night One, one doesnt see too often Stars blazon across the night sky Encompassing A whimsical feeling across the oceans Music bellowing through the air A gust of wind catches in ones breath While taking in this heartened feel A world that is soon to be a place for rest Shooting stars loose their flame One after another as they zip through the sky In its beauty and awe I am struck dumbfounded Leaving me breathless Unable to release but a single sigh I am left enamored, star struck and at ease By this amazing dance of a universe entwined The reality of it all is that I surrendered to this vision In flight of the unknown captured in ones mind An occurrence that only takes place Once in a cosmic lifetime Where gravity no longer holds us limited We laugh like children under this brilliant night Soaring through the universe of imagination No limitations or fear of heights Circumventing no boundaries Awakening me within this mystic flight

DAMAGED GOODS I can feel the haunting of you seep deeply into my pores Sense the very presence of you, in my dreams My nostrils reek with the smells of urine and vomit I begin to gag from the stench In the very by product of That which you would rub my nose in When I was but a small child You will teach me not to wet the bed Hold the bile in and do not run Better not miss the porcelain bowl Never the porcelain doll So many high standards, I die this failure of life A creation not worthy to be spit upon Damaged goods No return address, sender up in smoke Gloriously fading with Each passing sunset Hate the creation Not the creator Hate the product ...Despise the child Break me, scorn me, and abuse me I feel your blame and I hate me too!

FLUIDITY I search for a smooth road By which to travel down Tempted by the Light I attempt to drown out all the sounds In pain and mourning Rough is this road I leave behind To truly find myself as one in this world This be the goal I hope to find Success comes natural to some I have to work on it a little harder But I sense vindication If I just continue to travel on a little farther It can not be too long now I feel myself well on my way In the fluidity apart from an otherwise bumpy life Is where I long to stay Find my niche, my home A belonging in life so well deserved Anything to conquer these fears Achieved through all the hurt The scratches, the tears, the bruises The scars so deeply embedded within Are all but erased when this vehicle of life begins The venture of disabling all the sin An innocent, victimized emotionally Because of the pain one did not ask for This is my search, my eulogy of my angels Upon the wings by which someday I hope to soar

ESSENCE TO ASHES For the reasons I can no longer hide I cannot cover my tears anymore There is just no escaping all of my fears I cannot make now what was once before Too many changes implemented with time Too many words spoken I can not take back A broken heart defeated, haggard and torn As I lay here reminded of all that I still lack From the start, for me this love was jaded By all the stupidity I have done The compassion in your eyes has all but faded I am left in full regret of all that I have wronged Too bad it has taken this to make me grow up You lying crumpled on the floor with gun in hand Yet it did, so now I write this to save a few Who spends their time, whining Instead of even trying to understand For the reasons I will no longer hide I will not even try to cover my tears anymore I have become what I feared the most Regretting the loss of what was once before The one I took for granted Gone with a single click of the hammer Too blind to see what I was losing Until this moment your essence left reality Dissipating into eternity, forever more Essence to ashes, dust to dust Grant me the ability to turn back time To give back to the one, all of my love For your undying trust that is no longer mine

THISTLES AND THICKETS

Freshly picked white roses Thorns attached to stems Now stained red with blood Per blow by blow across white satin skin This is how you get off This is what makes you smile Dragging me kicking and screaming Caressing my heartache for your tempest whiles My eyes show no pain as you show no mercy For if I do, it will only bring about your devilish grin Pleasure be done with me As you toss me into the briars patch With thistles and thickets Like trash for the vultures To feast upon what is left Of your carnal sins

ILL BE GOOD, I PROMISE! Dispose of the pain Point it inward, for now So that you may matter On the outside Someway, someday Somehow

MY FRIEND

Black birds Feast upon me Pluck my eyes out That I will not see All this torment I feel within me All my hopes and dreams Were swiftly torn apart The very moment You touched my heart Now, here I lay Forever in the dark! Through my eyes I have seen your lies Your empty promises were all that was there How could you say you love me? When you barely even cared! For now I suffer all the pain Caused by your destruction As my resentment releases an eruption Know this, I am the one truly to be free Your soul will burn in the end You will get exactly what you deserve And you alone will it unnerve Your deceit will burn and rip at your skin Torn flesh, demon of lies Be out of your own making You have carved this future out for yourself Where eternity has no end You think you got away with murder! Think again! My friend

SUICIDE BINDS THIS LIFE

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Cold and bitter Cast out my entire life The dirt no longer hides me Nor does it cover my eyes As the pain continuously blinds me My tears tell no lies In this sweet sorrow And insatiable madness Within my very soul Can not be disguised And so I fear My urgent need to be loved Suicide no longer debatable Will be the exact and only cause For my early demise

ETERNAL SERENADE The most thought out Beautifully compose Song Ever written in time is Death May she sing to me As I slumber Deep In the peace Unbeknownst Here Throughout This wakened state I Weep! DEMON DUST

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Life makes sense to me Then it makes no sense at all These whisperings behind my need for answers Must first heed meanings call I sift through all, that I at one time I felt I could trust All of the betrayal forms in the density Of mechanisms corroded with rust A child crying out to understand Why she somehow does not belong The adult in me whispering to this inner child Everything will be alright, just remain strong Did this inner strength throughout many diversities Somehow bring me to this point? Demon dust converging within me Unwilling partnerships, adhered to the joints Of life, in passion, to all the things I am eager to know Haunted by memories of what my life Has reaped throughout the years That somehow I continue to sew I should have some control over my life My heart, my mind, my soul I just don't understand how these Particles of endless nightmares and turmoil can have Such a strong grasp on me Forever holding onto my hand I pull away, I succumb; my survival is always a must! I am at this point in my life Where I am no longer comfortable Absorbing the unnatural divinity of all this Demon Dust

PLEASE, dont let me bleed alone 12

...Dont let this be for nothing.

BEAUTIFUL I just want to be beautiful Like the young flowers in bloom Like the sunsets and sunrises Like the stars and the moon Not like the tears I cry Or anything like the pain I hold within Not like all the dust kicked up By storms with gusting winds I just want to be beautiful Without all the sorrow life brings Without all the memories of sadness Or distrust, fear, and hateful things I want to know all about laughter To be a part of something so right Not just a fleeting memory Lost beyond... A moment in time

DEATH WHISPERS

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It is dark and oh so cold A cloud of white smoke Would filter through the air If only she could breathe A light peers into her eyes, foreboding They are but an empty black pool She remains surrounded by silence A hush that only the dead are familiar with Secrecy has embraced her lips Cold and bluish grey The leaves have already fallen Creating a blanket upon the fertile growth of death Her hair cries out with the winds call Bones brittle from decay and the elements This shallow grave has lost its ability to shelter her For life here is just beginning. It is cold, oh so cold Will she never be found? She is a secret Somebody's deep dark secret In the past she told no lies Now words can not be spoken At least not from those lips, anymore For now her body lies here cold even underneath Natures blanket. Who will speak for her? Who dares to speak her name? Who will render the one responsible? For this life he has taken? Only death and eternity claims her now For even in life no one could hear her protests May someone, anyone, stumble across her remains? Where this little childs family may have the chance to Lay her body and spirit finally, to rest!

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MY LEGACY We all hurt and cry sometimes

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Some will say they understand How a part of us just wants to die sometimes Funny, how some things are just out of our hands Many who want to succeed in life Some who choose to fail Some who will cross ungodly lines Just to see them selves prevail Not certain where I fit into all of this Maybe I am better off not to know To have all of my ducks in a row Might blow the challenge of what it means to grow I do not think I would be better off dead Some of those I know might disagree Though I believe others could benefit from my death So they would not have to deal with the likes of me But then I think I deserve more than this But then again, who am I to kid? If it is true and ignorance is bliss Then I am the joke that will do me in I am my own worst enemy I am sure you have heard that once before Self sabotaging what could be a legacy That never made it through lifes door My very veins are a boundless corridor for sorrow It becomes easier to feel sorry for myself It would be nice to see past tomorrow Removing my hopes and dreams from atop the shelf Then applying myself to something more Whatever that might turn out to be To be able to push that legacy through life's door The legacy that is simply just me CRAZY DAYS These are crazy days

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With so many choices to be made Decisions here, decisions there How are these choices to be made clear? Right one, wrong one Left or right Straight ahead by those With limited sight Up or down In circles we run around (The bush) Planted in unstable ground Happiness from pain, sorrow from joy Together we unwittingly exploit Opinions tossed around Like a new found toy Crazier days Made by the choices we make Unfounded, compounded As we loiter in our own mistakes

...I AM DYING INSIDE PLEASE SAVE ME I FEAR I CAN NOT SAVE MYSELF I AM LOST HELLO HELLO? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? ..HELLO? FOR GRANTED Sweetness of a sugar cane

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Raw is the fragrance of a freshly cut plume Sour is the taste of a lemon Hot and damp is this month of June Today is the day of forgiveness Tomorrow we must once again mourn The sweet juices from a well ripe Apple That for the moment we forget a world that is torn Juggle one knife, two knives Three knives, four We juggle with our lives everyday And pray we do not crumble to the floor For most people, the world is a bitter And cold place to be Where over sixty percent of the population Believes their lives has no meaning The sky is blue Our blood is red For humanity How many times have we bled? There is still so much left unsaid Regarding all for which we partake And needlessly take For granted

FLOATING AWAY I will wrestle tomorrow

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Of all the days sorrow As I hit on the horizon From midday to dusk Hold on to the promise Inveighed to dilemmas As my heartbreak fades And slowly crumbles into dust This I seek as I lay here dreaming Taking trips in a more beautiful time My mind seared with the cruel reality Awakened to find I am still torn But I do not fret as all shall come together As I discover the me yet to be born When I stop feeling sorry for myself I strap to my back the strength to mend I place a large pitcher Beside my bed each night In the morning, I awaken to find it Filled with all the tears I had cried Perhaps beauty is not in my death alone But in the pain I have suffered That creates this awakening As my life slowly begins A wretched soul aching for this time to end

HEY DUDE, GO TO HELL

You have this way of keeping me down

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You continuously kick, kick, and kick me Until I no longer want you around You have this way of breaking my heart You scream, scream, and scream at me Until my world just shatters apart You have this way of making me cry Telling me I am wrong, wrong, wrong Until I no longer believe myself inside You left me dried up and useless While you deny, deny, and deny You are the one who is clueless You have this way of screwing with my head You take, take, and take from me Until I wish I were dead You have this way of conning me to stay You embarrass, embarrass, and embarrass me Making me want to hide my face Telling me I am not worthy of this world You keep whining, whining, and whining You always needing to have the last word You have this way of controlling me You push, push, and push the issues Until I take on the culpability You have this way of making me afraid of the unknown My posture now is to hate, hate, and hate you Maybe you are right, I am better off alone Bitterness and resentment are all I now know I keep stab, stab, stabbing you to death Now you have to let me go! SORROWS SWEET SERENITY

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I fly sometimes, From one constant chaos to the next I am not one for pity Though I put many to the test Their hopes and dreams sets limits That is difficult to surpass I adhere to their scars To see how long one will last It is not my job to create this sorrow For much like love, it is inevitable Such as death when he takes your breath Sending you on your way in so many variables I am here to make you feel All that you try to deny I am not meant to hurt you But to remind those who try to hide From themselves, from others Pain is great for a reason I call upon your already bleeding heart Listen to it as it sings my treason But I fail you not, nor myself All of these powerful things Your angels will guide you through the pain So that you may receive your wings.

SPOILED ROTTEN

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When ever I hear someone say to me You are a spoiled little girl, arent you? Yes sir, spoiled rotten, you are... The hair on my neck and arms stand rigid My nerves becomes frazzled My brain turns to putty as my stomach lurches The taste in my mouth sours As I act out one histrionic for another of Insane laughter and the pouring out Of the many unshed tears I think to myself if they only knew As I stare blankly into their confused faces Careful not to really respond in this matter On the outside, for appearances sake Holding it in as I was taught to when keeping Dirty little secrets Secrets that only a special little girl like me Can be shared and entrusted with And so I slowly smile, if they only knew Then reply a simple thank you As once again, my heart begins to break Yes.....spoiled... rotten I smell rotten and intake spoiled every day Along with all the guilt and shame Craving so deeply to skip this road That was paved just for me, or so it seems To escape this skeletal pyramid of disastrous, damaging, demanding components in which are bled Into me every single day, now inside Will it most likely remain until such a day when Those secrets and I are laid into my grave

A TIME TO REMEMBER

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One might read this title and think Something good should come of this thought Yet, reality is not always so kind My remembrance is of pain often brought About all of the things I wish not to know Things I wish I could say I never knew The one memory of yesterday that sticks out most Is the love I desired and the loss of it because of you Lacking in motherhood Your perception of me, your one big lie All of your false hopes in this wasted child Leaves bitter resentments in my failures to die For this reason I search my heart And find many, too many things I often regret While I long for a single moment I might have at one time treasured I find a time to remember is best If I just simply forget

SIMPLIFIED BREAK THE TIDE WHY CAN I NOT HIDE FROM MYSELF? IT JUST DOESNT SEEM FAIR

OPEN WOUNDS

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I wish there was another way To say how I feel But I cant Does this make my pain any less real? You say you never beat me with hangers What the hell is this? So other things you utilized Your abusive patterns already exists Tree limbs, extension chords A bottle of soda dumped over my head A knee to the throat until I nearly pass out How could I not think you wished me dead? I was seven and a whore to you When you caught me masturbating in my sleep Beat me while I lay motionless, dead to the world My so called imagination enables the secrets you keep Always the bad one, incorrigible, no good Beating me in the moments I should be dreaming Life interrupted, instead I awaken To the sounds of my own voice screaming Always the one that left you misunderstood An easy target for your sick little games I grew up tortured, and scared to hell I grew up knowing nothing else but shame I want to move on with my life But I do not know how This is the world you gave to me Who is going to be there for me now? You are so right, I am no good, damaged But that wasnt my fault I think I have done the best I could Living with the nightmare of my mothers assaults A mad womans need to erase this small unwanted child Who would have given my life to making yours better No wonder I see you inside of everything I do Seems I have become you right down to the last letter

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But I am not like you, that is the point Even though I am still a melting pot of rage I still love you, a little girl ruined A woman who cannot seem to turn the page The final chapter written in a book of torment Whos only chance to get beyond all of this Is to try to sleep now, forgive and forget Try to blow away the pain with a final goodbye kiss

A CURSE TO DIE FOR

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Tormented, lost With a bunch of Banshees Screaming in your head Your heart feels like talons Scraping away at your flesh It is an urge, a desperate need To get your fill of something bad Afterward you lay in your guilt The guilt and shame stinging within You collapse from all of this confusion An infusion of doubt Swimming down to your toes Isolated from anyone who claims to know Exactly what you have been going through Alone, all alone, you bear their intentions This is not your fault by any means Still you take on all the blame Must cut away the flawed parts As you lay in waiting, festering in shame Locked in your bedroom in the wake of some game Paranoia, only a small piece of the puzzle While you contemplate suicide Pointing the muzzle toward your mouth You have done this so many times You dont even know if you have any bullets in it Thats ok baby, go ahead and cry Do not waste your time trying to understand why Yours tears are not a loan, they are yours to keep For as long as needed until you find what you seek As you can find no other way to putting this aside No time to leave a note behind With pain so intense, so immensely insane To others it may seem like a simple game But this isnt about saving a life It is about not being able to live like this It is about killing the hurt And not just being ready for death

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It is about all these demons hiding inside The phantoms, in your head, they like to hide Pushing and egging you to honor your reasons to die It is about ending the endless torture Where the self no longer resides It is about wanting, no Desperately needing to move on It's about not wanting to live with the lies It's about not wanting to hide your emotions And living out the endless disguise of normal The hurt so deep, you ache internal, unfixable You know in the very pit of your stomach Your wounds will not heal with time The proof is the sound of a gun firing Drowning out your soft, tearful utterance...Goodbye... Leaving all those who could, would never understand So filled with their own separate lives to even Take notice of you before Until it burns into their chest, that you are really gone

LITTLE ONE LOST This life often has me in tears

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In the memories of past years Filled with this awful ache I fear that now I will break For holding it in Keeping it at bay The overwhelming feelings Of those passed days Then I would cry 'God make me change From this broken child, Remove these chains' From what makes them hate me Beat me raw Give to them their asking A child worthy of love Fix me like we fix my dolls Before my head is also torn off Make the holes of my inner walls disappear So I can feel safe when I reappear Without the darkness of my closet The one that makes me claustrophobic The one place I know waits for me The terror I am about to see I am just a child I am not sure what to do I just know they will always hate me Great Spirit, may I please stay with you?

PARANOID MANIA It is raining again

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I look out with bleak eyes Dark circles underneath Shows the wear and tear on my soul I have cried too many times I fear sleep now to be deprived Love is not what it used to be I miss my home and my heart For I can not find it anywhere God knows where I can find it But He is not answering me Right at this very moment Tear me away from this place Just like my hope Washed away by the rain And down the drain pipes it goes So unwanted, an inconvenience I am a hindrance, annoyed by what one sees I can feel someones eyes just glaring at me Pass me your sleeve because I am at it again I am dead inside, raw on the outside My nightmares begins long after I wake up I alone, torture the hell out of myself these days Paranoia hidden inside my skin My self esteem just drops down to its lowest point I scrape the rest of it off the floor, clean it up Then shove my low self image into my back pocket Who knows, I might need it someday Someday when I am not low enough When tensions in me are rising A struggle everyday, always debated against I keep falling, falling, downward I spiral Opening myself for all to see I should be the agenda, but I am not Before my paranoia becomes mundane Before I really know what the hell I am saying

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The same old noise cluttering up my thoughts I really do believe someone is watching me Delighted at that possibility, but scared just the same Like a needle in a hay stack Sanity is only a clearing away If only I wish to look for it, but I am not that strong I have not enough courage, I have nothing left of hope Not even a glimmer, so filled with many doubts Please vacate, I coax myself Hurry up and get the hell out Paranoid Mania I do not know which side is up My mind is my sole betrayer Listen, I have had just about enough As I hang this life up

FEAR

To fear living Is to live As if you had already died Do we really want to Leave that legacy behind For our future kind To follow?

CATCH 22 I feel cornered

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Hating the fury inside Your love burns a hole into me, I cannot escape This is just defeating the purpose Am I crazy in thinking you like what you do to me? Fueling me with your hostility Angered at every little thing, I can do nothing right Talk to you in a calm voice I hope that alone would cease our fighting I know better than to stay where I am not wanted I know better than to accept yours lies How could you watch me cry this way? And think that everything is okay? Walk away, walk away, my heart warns me Let him go, but I dont want to be alone Not this way, not today, not ever While I might have to handle this forever I am so close to the breaking point I wonder how this will finish out I am mangled in the belief of betrayal In denial, it is not your words that hurt It is the way you say them The way your face curls up, your body tense Frustrated with me, once again When will this hurt let me be? A catch 22, between a rock and a hard place I have committed myself to this state of confusion At least you love me or so you say It is that alone which pushes me to stay In the same breath, death is in my heart I am willing in my own self punishing way To violently end my life today, for I am now torn apart Why should I expect things will be any different? I am so lost right at this minute This moment my heart hangs over this cliff Of futile efforts, in this moment I long for that kiss That will explain away why my life feels so amiss

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That in this life I shall not exist It would be much better this way Instead of longing for what cannot be Love to love, someone just for me One who will not hurt, one who will see I just want to know what others have A love, some warmth, just a chance To live without all of this agony I just want to be set free

<Once, I asked my husband:> DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE DEFINTION OF CRAZY IS? <His reply> YEAH, YOU!

MISSING YOU Just like an angel You have touched my life Like the dream I long to dream

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In the darkest of night Your heart is pure That damage it sometimes causes When all we can remember Are all of our losses Try not to look behind The past now in the waiting Your loves shines through I know this without hesitating You have a gift Of friendships abound Whether you know this or not We need you to stick around No hard feelings No lectures to be made I have been right where you are I thank God you are safe I thank you for crying out And I thank God for you Special in every sense of the word I have nothing but love for you You have a glowing personality And a most radiant smile That shines through in all that you do Gods most angelic child

RIVER OF BLOOD My tears spurt like an Aortas hiss Flooding the only road to bliss

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Chaotic spinning, wild hair flies A not so simple heartbreak weaves its surprise I am the spawn of evil beings Who inflicted upon me, horrendous things A dark cloud with an even darker lining Keeps my spirit from truly shining A misfit underground, I hide from the noise Striking in my sadness, I drink of this poison Wrists bleeding into the warm fluid filled tub I am slowly dying in this river of blood Darkness glorified behind stainless hazel eyes As I whisper forgive me whilst I say my goodbyes Shattered, broken, in disarray within I encounter peace brought on by this suicidal whim My future in denial of the truth, a past filled with lies I shed this river of crimson, while I fall to my demise

SISTERHOOD IN THE MORROW WAKE Lead not borrow this life tolls train These monsters within ghostly screams Tails of fire, the scorpion stings Scorched hot from the desert, it brings

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Coils and toils of earthly things Masters of havoc twists its fright Inside the brain where anger stains Enlist but a toy to bat around A battering ram of many thoughts Reeks noxious fumes, hazards of rot This quivering child of the unknown Fires ablaze as you take your throne To partake of each a victims call The whims of the musical doth beneath Of dungeons is where the heart beseech As travesty rakes across the mind Only time can tell, make sense In simplicity, know not consort A feeding frenzy within the heart Burned inside, of rations horde Living out this nightmarish hell Swimming through your waking still To become reasonings shield Your life in confusion, your constant wield Struggle in darkness wake Tombs shatter, chattering stake Of glory beyond this horror fails Whispering whimpers of heart foretells You are broken, still The essence of livelihood falls faint Demons hammers your soul forsake Bury the human spirit, bones befall the quake Of ever this quiet saint Torturous making of hellish known Roll softly, burned in the whims of the flesh Damaged longing, buried in stone

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DISORDER You took me away from my time Where I was not so chaotic inside Where I was not so torn apart Just so you can teach me about matters of the heart You touch me deep inside I have no place to hide This love for me chases me into a corner Filled with timeless combatant disorder I wish to never leave I wish I did not hold so much hate I drop my hands to my side Slowly losing my grip on this knife The one that cut a straight hole to me Plagued by so many diseases A bitter doormat to all others pain Keeps me just above the level of insane You wander through my mind My heart swallowed up in time I know not myself anymore Trapped in these sensations of a dirty whore Please take me, take me away from this Kiss me quickly, kiss your soft touch upon my lips I am swirling around dazed and confused But nothing now can take me away from you

REFUGE I long to go to heaven I long only to be good So that for once I could be loved Instead of always misunderstood

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I long to know the touch Of one gentle but not frail To be a part of the grand design Where I do not always seem to fail To love, to laugh and be free A life changing event To grow, to be nurtured Not to be relented against To be this child never more To know what it means to be loved To give myself to those I care about No longer hiding from the ones I trust I long to remain altruistic Within this circle of tragedy, I am restrained I long to walk in this life proudly Never again forsaking my own name

CONCEIVE OF ALL MAD MEN TORN Pandemonium, decline Crashing under destruction teases the mind Uproar, the hearts within A brutal beating crawls beneath the skin

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Chilling, foreboding, haunting, desecrated A single line of defense Aspirated. Hope all lost. Falling into the living nightmare Insane derivatives of the soul Partaking and held without The soul lost, gliding in the darkness The lights dim, harboring desperate whims Insatiable dark glory, the one falters, deprived Inhaling the mold upon dead flesh Shattered beneath the smiles, eyes glow red Skin black and blue, dismembering the heart irreplaceable Provisions of life seeks death, seeks change Heed the call of the deranged Rise, the heat of the damning moon Escalated, horror driven under deaths cold embrace Eat of this carcass, rotting meat out of fresh dreams Behind closed eyes, mingled on the breath A dying decision Horrid vibrations of a sacred mind Twisting in hate, so surreal Battlement in dark clusters hide Concaves the child within In agony he cries In despair he thrives, a morbid whisper burning deep All for these things he seeks Ravaged by the spores of time Hiding behind the angelic seams of betrayal Lust and seeming things Contrast to the norm in the madness of the living... A dying image, this foregone conclusion A tormented heart, he clips his own wings Wringing of hands, non stop and brutal Branding his kind caught in endless mourning

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He thrives, this dark angel inside A heretic, lunatic, hypocrite Gorged upon the flesh of the becoming Bite the tongue on the blood of the forgiving Dying to be a part of something Nothing he became, a man of insane ramblings Not a god, a simple man falling to the mask This endless wearing caught in his last breath From the days one is born Bloodlust and displaced trust Disorganized in this putrid sanctity of the womb Conceive of all mad men torn, he returns once more!

TORN ELEMENTS Life is harming me Can you not see? Fire spews from these lips Each time they part

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I have angered you Will you not speak? Of these things Time will not permit me to say? Tears of pure red blood spurts from my eyes Will you not feel for me? My very livelihood is in chaotic contortion One might say almost from will I am spinning nearly out of control In a net of my own making? I do not believe you The palpitations of my heart Are screaming Will you not touch me? If only to see if I am real? My soul panics not so quietly The silence is upon its wings I need wings now to fly away from you Will you not comfort me? And I shall fly away To a place where I am not so alone Not so unfortunate to be on my own Will you not hold me? Until the whispers are gone?

SO FAR AWAY Whispery winds blow throw my hair Of time long forgotten It shatters my bones with a chill My face frozen in fear

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I am this small child Sitting here, feeling so alone I am broken like the doll I hold Like a butterfly without its wings The flowers that once held Sweet petals of color and scent Have all but withered and died Much like my heart The sands blow across the desert Searching for their home That is me, I am searching for my home too My niche in life, my family Abandoned and forgotten like the sun When it rains for far too long I get up, wipe my dirty little face And simply shrug I am certain that they have forgotten me by now So far away, too far away to touch To hold, to kiss Where I am, I shall never have again The treasures that each memory brings The sadness of losing your first pet Or the boy who gave you your first kiss The weeds blow over me, like the winds They stick with their pointy barbs And I cannot shake them off The more I try, the more they stick Stinging me as I pull them off one by one This is my home now, I contend Watching with the winds The life I was once a part of Glide by my headstone The mere shadow of the living, now dead Passes through my head My arms held out for anyone who takes notice Life is not so easy with me so far away

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GHOST WRITER I am the invisible hand that guides your fingers Before the thought has consciously formed Your ears ring with the undertones of your muse She speaks softly and you listen with your heart A passionate story teller in short form and verse Relinquishing every fragile emotion within this abyss Of great pain and sorrow your words begins to bleed All for the sake of protecting me I am the child within I am the adult that screams unfamiliar faith One who is still One whom you so eloquently embrace I am the soul that whispers. no need to shout your name I am the love you search for as you release old shame A ghostwriter living inside a paranoids mind Seeking and searching for that moment in time I am your breaking point when all goes mad I am the ocean that rides the tides into the sand Sands of time, sands of stone I am your ghostwriter that will someday Make you known

THE DEPTHS OF A SINGLE WHISPER The whispers softly blow in my ear Kill her Let her be Kill her Kill me

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The whispers scream loudly in my head Kill her Let her be Kill her Kill me The whispers begin to take my heart Kill her Let her be Kill her Kill me The whispers are quiet now No more suicidal yearnings As they used to whisper my name I have fallen to their earthy games Kill her Let her be Kill her Kill me As I now lay in my grave Ever so silently Ever so sweetly Ever sodead

1CEREBRAL Solemn, quaint, efficient Everything I am not Black, tears, heartache Spans a much farther distance Than where I am

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Right now, this very moment Blackened view The pity I will not feel Shame, destitute, oblique My passions feigning Oceans, peaceful, eloquent Why not me? Empty, statuesque, beauty Why fail me before? Respect, curiosity, resemblance Now that you bury me... you finally care Here, not there, not anywhere The weeds sprout up around me My grave, for the things I gave For all that I lost... I still have...nothing Cerebral, love, decay, life is diminishing Now, I slowly fade with the ending of each day Cerebral hemorrhage, wasteland of a broken heart My soul is desecrated by all of this pain One pull off that trigger, reminiscent, no regrets Cocked and twisted in a coffin, permanent darkness All sublime

DEATH WISH I close my eyes Not ready to fall asleep For it is during that time I live out the secrets my heart keeps

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Violent crashes Blood on the walls Knives piercing the skin Out from the sky I fall Mother chasing me down the street Murderer killing innocent women As I lay witness To the bodies that fall at my feet I shudder, I scream I lay weak to the whims Of my fragile mind A deep penetrating hole burning my skin I cannot escape I am unable to wake up Until the last of the slaughter Is fully won Is this me? Or something more dark than I can imagine? A death wish placed like a movie Playing harlot for the kingdom Masking my true intentions If the time were ever right I would succumb to the real thing And kiss my ass good bye

SONGS OF SORROW This eternal Melodic song Of your laughter Passed Continuously

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Takes me to where I Once Belonged Back to you Where I once was So strong Cradled In the warmth Of moments Treasured When I At one time (SO LONG AGO) Held You.. In my arms

WEEPING TREE I lay silent, trapped in the shadows of my past As I watch the world outside of me go round I long to be a part of what lifts me up But my hopes are weighted down In the tears you cannot see For a world that has forgotten about me So now I hopelessly, helplessly await Gods true mercy For the day when my soul will be set free In the days my prayers are answered As I begin a new life being me Until then I remain this weeping tree HIDDEN IN BLACK SMOKE My dreams go unfulfilled .As you disappear ..On some thick cloud Imagined, but unwilled .How it really makes me

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..Want to scream out loud ..In despair, my heart cannot be still

COMPLICATED SORROW I live amass the pain and heartaches I live in a life where no time line exist Every memory, every thought Damaged by the signs I cannot resist Focused on change That never seems to come My servility rearranged My hope is almost entirely gone Should I prevail? And become someone I can love? Will another yearn to share my heart? Or will I just be another lonely one? Me who struggles in vicious circles No real answers in sight I am drench by this complicated sorrow That steals my dreams at night Night terrors, day horrors Alarm me in my plight If only I could realize A love that is worth the fight Soaked in sin, life of shame Endless struggles that lies beneath That I can become the one deserving of a love I know in my heart I may never seize

BENEATH THE SKIN

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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder Where exactly do I fit in? I hold out to the beauty of hope Even through the tears manifested By anothers sin Barely scraping the surface Grasping to hold onto the appearance Of all that I present If only to peer closer then they will see They shall have my full consent I hide nothing from no one Why then do they all run away? If my strength and beauty Draws them to me Why fear this longing to stay? Washed in the heart of a survivor This childs merciful cries within An epiphany of a dying image Awaits the release of my true essence The one who yearns for more So much more than just a glimpse All of that which is deeply written Beneath the skin

CONFLICTED I have spent my whole life talking about it Parts that would horrify the most brave The one's who have iron stomachs Whom you cannot frighten into their graves

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I really thought I was sharing everything Every gory detail leaving nothing out Saying it is okay, it can't hurt me anymore No one knows what they even are talking about Giving them a visual is the best I can do Exposing my feelings, I can no longer breathe My emotions, I do feel them physically I will end up in a very dark place, I believe I take medications for all that it is worth But I am still very much afraid to go to sleep To making a valiant effort of normalcy Feeling violated and tormented as I dream So see, it does hurt me very much Confused as a child, conflicted as an adult Suicide even evades me, repulsed by my touch Forever fragile by time's endless assaults

AND SO, THE TOPIC FOR TODAY IS There are many days when I feel pathetic Worthless, it seems as though I will never get pass this I fear that I have fallen into the redundancy of life

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But deep down I know even that is not right I repeat the same words, Inhale another breath Voice similar opinions But I know this to be the right road Despite this chaotic spin I am in To follow this, to follow that Turn back, move forward Will I ever know if I am on track? To becoming more, to regretting less To rise above all the pain and loss To finding in myself, my one true love To becoming me, in the worst way I need to remain focused, give up this will to die Accept a will to live, do I really need to know why? My sense of belonging, of fitting in so long ago Was taken away, where special was a bad word But that is exactly how I wish to feel today Not dirty, from being used Unworthy, from my inability to comply Nor obscene! Just to feel like somebody Do you know what I mean?

PRICELESS MASTERPIECES Scribbling on the sidewalk Children skipping rope Skateboarders and roller skaters Drawings on the refrigerator door I peer into the den

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I am greeted with hugs and smiles My beautiful masterpieces A love that stretches for miles and miles

FREE SPIRIT Oh yes, I am a free spirit Clearly I speak my mind I have no trouble at all Spilling from time to time Voice my opinions At the ready, loud and strong I even have the backbone to apologize Should I be the one who is wrong But that does not happen Not that often, you see So you see me as a know-it-all But hey, that is just me! I am an observer Who does not mind sharing what I know Giving back to humanity What has robbed me of my soul My knowledge is deep and profound Eccentric might be how I am seen With my heart in the right place Truth and love will remain in the light By which I choose to see CRITICALLY FLAWED Please do not lock me within this shell To relive the torment of my bitter hell I talk out my problems to strangers To friends and the like, just trying to Make sense of this complicated life

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I often try to get to know myself better Just as you take cover in bad weather I wish to weather my own personal storms Through all the distaste in anger forms Please won't someone give to me The answers I so desperately seek? While I plummet trying to grasp my strengths Only to end up permanently weak I realize not every answer will always be good But I am so fed up with being constantly misunderstood To being ashamed of something that was not my fault A damned fate for which I long to halt Stop all of this confusion, please make haste And help me to get rid of this foul taste I wish to feel human, though human I am Never fitting in is where I presently stand And if you could love me Then for me, hate is on its way Love and respect is the game I play Destined in heartache I will stay So critically flawed is how I remain From a genetic code that leaves me drained That I have yet the understanding Nor of pure love to forever gain

I AM WHO I AM Go the distance Forget that you have fallen 1000 times Along the way Forget how many times you fell flat on your face Or that the future looks exactly the same

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Forget that you are tortured and toyed with Because of your good natured heart Because you refuse to play their games Or be a part of something others claim is sane Forget that in your honesty You were continually dowsed in their shame Never meant to be yours You have taken on their blame Remember that you know the truth lies Deeply embedded in your good hearted soul Remember there is always a reason Whether we understand it or not And do not let go Forget that you would have done anything To save them, to save yourself Forget that all they sent your way was pain They have robbed you of everything else Do not let them rob you of your name

THE MISSING LINK I stumbled across you the other day You were crying, so I did not want to disturb you Are you better today? Why are you hiding? Are you hiding from me? Perhaps you saw me in the shadows

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As you huddled in your corner and cried I can hear your whispers as well as your tinny screams I want to hold you but never can Since you seemed to have misplaced me I want to hear your laughter, make you smile Do you remember? Back when you were a child? Terrible things happened way back then But reality was not this fragile For we live in this world of imagination I see that you still have the use of yours Very vivid indeed, but cloudy still, we can change this If you have the will If I choose to walk up to you now, will you run away? Like you did when the hurt became too much to bear? Have you forgotten that I am still here? I whisper your name I don't wish to disturb you But after seeing you in your olden ways of yesterday So cheerful and carefree Full of life and then... the tears came Well, I just wanted to let you know You can come home anytime I have always loved you and need you to see How much I am deeply missing.. Me!

INNER TURMOIL I promised once, if not a thousand times I would take care of you Alone I have disappointed myself, once again Promises broken changed in the direction of another

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Or plain built from lies, I just do not know anymore It all seems the same, a lowly game I never agreed to play but stayed anyway Walking this fine line of lost hope Dreams centered on bitter strife The deeply embedded painful kind Born out of life I am not just any fool! A martyr A lost dreamer of urgencies But rather a pathetic attempt At being real To being able to feel Keeping with the truth This soul is consumed in my own confusion Wet and dry tears that burn extreme Throughout the years Breeding upon my every fear Where the hell does it stop? Goodbye...my love for I have failed you Once if not a million times, somewhere along the line For there is vision in ones truth Where I can no longer see A canopy of lies twisting above my head As I long since stopped being the person I was supposed to be, whatever that means

COLOR ME ABSENT I lay here within this darkened room Head spinning with inner noise I sob completely and quietly Shivering from the force of my own tears

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Wet and in absolute but strange perfection My pain prepares itself for the exposure But not quite yet Absent of will or even poise All the sadness All the heartbreaks All of my abandonment and rejection issues Explode inside of me all at once This profound, intense sorrow leaves me debilitated My heart, soul, life; my very livelihood Ripped from my control but on my shoulders Lies my pain, burdening me still Must I carry all of this weight, alone? I fail to comprehend why I feel unsafe Unprotected, within this remarkable sadness Should I be afraid of myself? My life... excuse me, what happened to my life? No response and I can not recall How did I stumble, how did I fall? I remain crying out this perfection of pain Inside this darkened room, strapped to this bed I cry out Bon Voyage, just as I am stuck with a needle My life, what about my life, what about my wants, needs? Fade to bla..ck

FORBIDDEN Sitting here all alone I feel so cold As was foretold Once forbidden This knowledge stains

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As I sit quietly Doused in pure shame Sitting here all alone Facing dark instances I mimic the look of stone That I may be spared A captured soul

MY PERCEPTIONS OF THE WORLDS PERCEPTIONS OF ME? WHEN I TRY TO ACT NORMAL I AM CRAZY WHEN I ACT CRAZY I AM AS NORMAL AS ANY LUNATIC CAN BE!

WUTHERING HEIGHTS I venture into my heart Picking and pecking away At the flawed parts To no avail No sense of it made

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The reaper again Has not knocked on my door I feel betrayed Hurt in the deepest part of me That even I cannot reach I wither away like a flower Without sunlight As I close myself in the darkness Of my heavily curtained room I lay my face in a pillow and cry Until I gently fall asleep Temporarily Leaving my heartaches behind

DEFEATING THE PURPOSE How long have we been together? Many years I think My constant confusion Is driving me to the brink Of running away

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Of saying goodbye Not for that lack of your love But because of the severity of the pain I try to hide I love you dearly Even when we both lose control My trust issues sometimes daring And it is defeating my sense of the known I have become afraid of real love Has it been too little, too late? Your consistent making of our conversations A constant debate I need you to know me, by now And stop looking at the surface It is breaking my heart I need you to realise this All of these years, One would think I knew much better That to think youve wasted your time I claim this life that has been nothing but bitter I dont wish to hurt you Anymore than I already have I need you to stop me from drowning To go beyond in trying to understand I never asked for this pain And I still do not know why I am not able to let it go Or why I still long for the moment I will die You are everything to me This I cannot deny Just hold me in your arms And do not ask me why For I have no answers Except that I have really tried Being a good wife That you forever would want by your side

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I am choking on my emotions The deafeat of my self control continues But the truth of the matter is Because of this, this love I chance to lose After everything has gotten better And things become more settled Is when I fear I will lose you As this pain begins to prove me brittle Easier to break than it is to mend Thats just the way my life always goes As I place one test in front of the other I pray this defeat does not ascend our ability to grow I need a night in shining armor This expectation I have placed on you Unwittingly weighing on your unsuspecting shoulders For I never even had a clue That now you are drowning in defeat with me How was I supposed to know what to do? We each share our need for self sabotage Defeating the purpose Please dont make me have to choose

CONQUEST You wrap me in your arms Fold me into the belief That I am safe, if only for the moment This once false sense of security leaves me Now bound in complete awe of... You

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The warmth of your body The sugar coated words I ache to hear I am absorbed in your sexuality I am beautiful, wanted and desired To be embraced like this Creeps into the embodiment of my Endless longing And so I awaken to this notion Naked bodies touching The glow of the night before That it will be like this, again So I arise, slip on my clothing You smile As I leave my number by your bedside But you never call as I... Pull my pillow closer and ... cry Then suddenly, it is the weekend again So many Friday's and Saturdays' to enjoy As I slip into my sexiest entourage of Party attire, once more Savoring the possibilities of one Blissful gratified moment Where my loneliness is misspent Fading into the who's who crowd I proudly parade my own sexuality Eagerly thwarting the pain of the week before Holding onto to my brief moment of... Love and acceptance It does not matter that I am but a mere conquest A plaything for their desires Or that I need so much more In this moment, nothing matters Not as long as I can find someone For however long they shall have me Anyone to love me... .....Just once

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I will take... Whatever I can get Because it is so much better than ...Never being loved at all It is so much better than living out this life Where I spend so many nights unwanted So many years I have gone... Ignored Because it is in these brief moments That fate acknowledges my existence That for tonight I am not so lowly, anymore

BECOMING I am so tired My heart is weak My mind has grown lazy I dare not speak What is buried deep in my soul

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A life filled without control A heart filled with disdain Of carrying anothers pain As if it were my own Unable to let things go Take to heart what isnt mine As I lose myself over time I can no longer do this As death brushes my lips Then sweeps away without me once more Leaving me hateful, a woman scorn Becoming more or less the same As people around me play their games If only you knew this was my last day When from myself I shall runaway Never to look back now I sweetly take my vows Never again to know such hurt As they cover my face in six feet of dirt.

A GRAIN OF SAND High rises and high tides Flash of nightmares rides across my mind To collapse within this unreal sanity The only thing that blends me into reality In this stable force I aim to dwell

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Though my differences take you to my hell I am aiming for higher things Where an abundance of laughter is what it brings To know my tears nevermore By the evil thing I once endured Heading on a collision course Seeking, searching, understanding my remorse That I should take on the worlds pain For their evil ways leaves me stained That I refrain from going any further Just to prevent myself from going under Soon my death bed I will take That God forgives my endless mistakes No longer keeping you from your own peace Understanding a love I can now reach You pull away from the pain I have caused Embracing an understanding of a sacred love I hold but a single grain of sand As God now cradles me in his loving hands

ONE MANS PRISON Your evil like acid; it eats away at the flesh You are too aware as you reel your victims in A carnivore, a cannibal, you cannot wait to feast Forever stuck in the belly of the beast Blame it on a higher being, God made me do it

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Accept no responsibility, in a cell you must sit Poor little ones, a trail of bodies everywhere Plead not guilty, showing not a single ounce of fear Rape, maim, murder, it makes no difference to you Blame it on the devil, an advocate vacating the truth No pity, no remorse, no chance of being reborn Your court antics Wreaks havoc on those who still mourn No sympathy, no reason, you are just plain cold Start deaths clock countdown, for it has been foretold Slice them up, dice them up Your diseased fantasies play While you finish your last meal, keeping fear at bay Professing your innocence, tick tock The final moments chime Sudden fear capacitates you You are not ready to die Suck it up, be a man This is only the first of several tests Be a man, deal with it Now it is time to put your evil ways to rest.

IN THE MIST Butterfly whims As I think only of him The rapture of his undying charms Choking back the tears while cradled in his arms Swallowing the fears, upon Locus wings

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I fly, I flutter, coming apart at the seams Anguished, all a fluster, my soul splits in two I ponder upon which side I should choose All this wishful thinking, my will succumbs Bitterness, wastefulness, I am undone Thinking, shrinking, in the love of you Just a little love, a little hope, I come unglued Confused, disoriented, I am amiss a great change Warped dimensions, within this madness I remain Happiness disarming A vortex with few encounter truths Incinerated, scorching fires, a make up of hidden rules A dark angel, the shadow of light His kisses, his heart, he will not be denied Wistfulness, betrayal, sucking me in Void, this empty space, the black corners of sin Reign over this soul distant, jaded Will I not find my heart? Now, before it tears the both of us apart Surreal, unfortunate, late in the game That I should awaken of the past Before I cause more pain Treacherous copies of the self Torturous heart falls into this self made hell Once deprived of love, now received Held captive as I fail to believe Wavering, an innocent heart torn Nothing lost, reborn, in a haze I mourn Devastated, my mind devoured, I break into tears All for the love of him My life, my essence I vanish into thin air

THE TOY STORE

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Do you see that doll on the shelf, way up there? The one in the pretty red dress with curly brown hair? I will get her for you Just so long as you promise not to break her Go on, go on, you can have it, go on and take her She needs a good home, with lots of tender loving care She comes with a heart of gold One you would like to share I need to dust her off first Shes been up there a pretty long time And just like you she is a one of kind How did I know that, you ask? Well I can see it in your eyes A heart like yours, can never be disguised Thanks mister, she is very lovely, indeed See she has a lopsided smile just like me I knew when I saw you You two would pair up well together I can already see a bond developing That nothing can compare A little girl in a toy store, once forgotten until today Walked back into life for the first time With a smile across her little face

UNDER SORROWS MOON Under the canopy of sorrow, your heart betrays Caught in this symphony where wickedness plays Having nowhere to go, nowhere to hide Stuck in this loneliness, my broken will resides No passion left inside of this depraved heart

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Chaos whips a reality has torn me apart Misery, oh sweet misery, an old childhood friend Stuttering heartbeat hangs onto finalitys trend Proposing mishaps, misunderstanding In its misguided ways Pushes the envelop that I alone am to blame Refocus while I take these two steps backwards Write one hundred times My sins across the black board I wallow in a past that can not be so easily erased As I now swallow my pride Ready to face these risks I take In la-la dreamland I stare at what can never be replaced The only time when we can enter each others space I have fallen into this same pit of hell Endlessly longing to immerge out of my shell Reaching for a love, I so eagerly want to claim I whisper for the last time Your sweet agonizing name

INCLUSION I am the inclusion Upon this protrusion of life I am the wrong When other's do not need me to be right I am the incision That never seems to heal

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I am the beauty that has long since Lost its appeal I am the reason behind Every nonsensical thing I am the static By which you cling I am the current of electricity That courses through your veins You are the mourner who scoffs At the sight of my remains I am the joy That befell your heart You are the world that Has been blown apart I am the darkness That keeps you in the light I am the inclusion Between day and night

LEGIONS OF PASSIVITY How do I keep the loneliness from creeping in? When lonely is the only place I have ever been When sorrow is all I have ever known Where regret has pushed me to a point that I have grown Into this person More confused then before

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Where hope stands behind the walls With no windows, no doors My heart cracks the surface Sings the symphony of sorrow Breaks the morals For which I have had to borrow Against all odds In the face of the truth Never gaining access To the torn regions of truce Begging my forgiveness When I have no known knowledge of what to forgive Searching for peace When I have lost the strength and will to live Give to this poor, poor child a single ray of love Help conquer my fears, heal my wounds Do I pray, please send me above Leave routines out of sync and out of tune How do I keep the loneliness from creeping in? When lonely is the only place I have ever been How do I move on from here? Away from the place of so many tears? How do I focus when my name is pain? From those things that are burned deeply into my skin How do I erase all I have inside when nothing will change? From this desperate child who only craves not to be blamed One that will be remembered above all else For shaking a finger at those emotions still on the shelf Where I am nothing more than a stagnant stone How do I escape this passivity that I now own?

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SAY IT SILENT Yes! I am a self-mutilator But it is a part of me Of this fact I am not proud Stemming from the brutalities That has been put upon me In extreme moments I will wear this shame Like a shroud

LIGHTER SHADES OF GREY Complicatedly simple Mild mannered soul Running from these demons Searching peace as it was foretold Many hesitations Brief moments to recollect

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Some composure over those things I am not likely to forget The taste of salty tears I cry night after night Swipe hard away these fears As I hold myself real tight Tell myself things will be okay As I track through this life alone Sure I have somebody now Still facing things completely on my own For he doesnt understand Fails badly when it comes to sympathy While it holds me back Living within this pathetic apathy From one extreme to another For me it is either black or white these days As I begin to desperately search For the many lighter shades of grey

ALL CRIED OUT In this ocean of septic skepticisms I falter flying through darkness Of hindsight revelations The stink of it all clings to me The wastelands of my soul Trapped in the spirit of agony

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Almost a rush of tendency To make haste this over-glorified pain Stagnant in the rich smells Of heartache, mind ache, and soul butchering Belated for only for a few seconds Another moment severely passed I stifle back the screams As bitter memories fall through the cracks Of my soul, taking its toll Old heartbreaks unfold Longing for longer moments Moments that become hours Or even days when things Are not so routine nor mundane This is, has and always will be the me I needed to dissect Therefore the reason behind this entire stench Becoming the breaking of me with clenched fists Your paper doll to slowly, methodically destroy A sacrifice to the gods Desecration of the me still within I scream in dire pain I remain the soul unclean Torturous landscape called my life I walk away unscathed on the outside While the inside burns and stings Leaving a putrid taste on my supple lips Keeping to these feelings, no one knows Through the silent shedding of blood soaked tears I finally found the one thing you cannot deny me The peace and tranquility I never knew here I am the whisperings Within this breaking heart Where do I start? It is time for me to say goodbye

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I tried to live with your lies As the embodiment of me hides In the filth I am covered from head to toe I take with such wrath, my own life As I take hold, my own destiny My spirits need to be revived From this hell I still survive As I lay in your arms, just waiting to die It is the only moment when I can see you cared Loved me even once The one time you are not screaming at me The one time I no longer care as my soul breaks free From this worn down misery, a lifetime tragedy I removed these chains that bind I take what was once taken from me Grasping the self that is finally mine

I DONT WANT TO WALK AWAY I love it when you hold me I love the way you smile I even love your laughter I cant help but to laugh back These qualities make you special It is those dreams I hold onto

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But then something changes And I fear being without you I dont want to lose you now I dont want to walk away But I dont want to feel this pain From your love this way But you are giving me no choice When you take away my voice I can always feel your apathy These new scars you bring are killing me Your sometimes petty comments Can break my heart in two Leaving me to wonder Leaving me to question everything How loving you can hurt so badly Nothing in my heart has changed Waiting for the other shoe to drop Makes loving you so hard to do Leaving me in this confused state For I am not so certain where I belong You are the mainline to keeping me strong But I need more and more every single day We have invested too much time Just to get it right I cant help my broken soul Each time we begin to fight My integrity means nothing to you What more could I hand to you? I am lost by your complacency I gave away my dignity You do not even know me My desires, my wants, my needs How can you say you love me? Compelling me to end this legacy I am a stranger in our home

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You can make me feel so alone But then you hold me And all of my strength is gone Too weak to argue To weak to even care Then I reflect on our lives together Remembering how you are always there I dont want to lose you now I dont want to walk away But I dont want to feel this pain From your love this way ..Your love is killing me

BURNING MY HEART BLACK I am saddened quite often I see myself as weak Not for what I had to overcome But what I will never accomplish I am bleeding into myself My own tears I no longer recognize

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I peer at my own image And its seams are plagued with lies Lies from another Too many to count Promises I so wanted to believe I have shut my own self out I do not want to cry anymore But it is all I seem to ever do I do not want to believe anymore As all the lies are you You make me crawl inside myself I am raped and purged by my own pain But I fail to have an escape For which your brand of love Continues to drive me and my spirit insane All I know of you is burnt Inside this frail and brittle mind I feel so dirty, covered in shame I am lost as I once thought of you As the one who would keep me safe Now I hurt myself In the midst of your insensitive words You stare as I claw away my flesh and do nothing As I desperately try to bury the hurt Longing to measure up to being somebody or something

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MORBIDITY The levidity of my pain stains the flesh But is unseen The death of me is mourned by the disgust Of that which is unclean There is no turning back

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This time on sorrows clock There is no washing away the betrayal of which I am often mocked By these illusions I am twisted and bound in The fate of which I only see Alive by the presence of bio rhythms Yet drowning in this lifeless morbidity Isolated in a darkness that clearly squeezes my senses Leaving me to my own defenses To protect, shelter and prevent further pain Condemns me within this existence For I am the damned Though my thoughts do not always linger in the dark The damage already done Morbid, is the fragility and this useless culpability ..Of mending this broken heart

I NEEDED YOU! As a child, I knew I loved you I knew you loved me too As a child, I cried for you I believed in nothing else But that you cried for me too As a child, I wanted your happiness

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But knew myself to be your sadness You were engulfed in the pains of What it meant to have me How I ached to know this deeply What could a child give To a mother who should have everything? But had nothing because of me? Could I ever hope to make your life better? Or even happy through the end of me? As an adult I pray that you will awaken I pray that you will accept How you have severely been mistaken As an adult, my heart still breaks for you In the midst of realitys truth As a teenager, I prayed to never be like you A childs image turned cruel As an adult, still this child within I pray for the removal of this endless pain That is all you Who has forever left on me your mark Your permanent fingerprint of Terminal rejection and abandonment So where will I be when you need me? Right by your side, needing you Endlessly! HIGH MAINTENANCE Unhappy from the moment of birth When the destruction of this spirit Came unearthed All my life seems I have often cried Yet through out my life of pain I have well survived

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But without the love I have yet to know Determined to belong somehow My fighting spirit still helps me to grow Though demanding I have served well For the promise of hope Behind the secrets one can not tell For my soul cries out in vain Selling out another Has never been my shame High maintenance I might be But to chance my loss May set us free

YOUR OWN MISTAKES I feel for you That you have all these problems I feel for you That you have all these faults I feel for you That you are only human That you put up all these walls

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It is time you admit the pain You have drudged on others Blaming, hating, excusing and hurting The one that loved you most I tried to change, even attempted to take my own life I thought it would make yours better How hard I really tried But only after years of abuse did I realize Nothing I do would ever make me right Not as long as this sickness controls you from the inside It is for this very reason I can no longer allow you to screw with my mind Still, every once in awhile it seeps inside my head Every nasty little thing you have ever done or said I never really had your love No need in trying to replace it These are your own mistakes You need to learn to face them I love you mom, and always have Though it seems you were not alone In this destruction of me, nearly driving me mad Then forcing me out on my own But you know, in the finality of things I am just a diamond in the rough Yes! I was born out of circumstance But through it all I was made both resilient and tough! There's No Removing The Wild From This Child! I love the levitation Of a moments gratification Of life's trepidations Brought on by a moment of fun The giddiness of mind The consequences out of sight

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The pleasures of one's plight Bound together by the midday's sun The intoxication, the flirtation The raw abandon of that unseen Adrenaline rush, ready for the push Absorbing the crush Of lust as it centers on ones spleen I am 4, I am 8, I am 12 once again In my insidious laughter life begins And I am a child ever more! I feel her grow, I feel her tumble I feel me disintegrate As I take what I know Down with me to the floor I will never really grow up Not in the sense the world knows Not even in a sense that I will belong I was robbed of life Taken from me in strife The pettiness of contrite In virtues that have long since been ..Gone!

RAINBOW TREND Living in this purple haze A cosmic rainbow craze Cotton candy clouds Animal dance, painting shrouds Gold at the end Broken hearts hath mend

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All is quite well Erased from this elusive hell Disillusioned dreams From acid trips and lucid scenes Falling from the sky Imagined withheld, you can fly Escaping realitys call The once 60s child will fall From oceans to desert winds Becoming the illusion of A rainbows trend

THE MAGGOT BREED Flies buzzing in my brain Thoughts driving me to the point of insane But, I should feel no pain For old wounds heal Life has slashed my wrists

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In anger I clench my fists In warm oozing blood my ache exists For soon my heart it will steal His seed was like a poison I was made in pure creation My sufferings of boundless imaginations My scream quenches some eternal unseen need The stench of death, of me within I am Gods eternal sin Torment weaved into my hair, my skin My heart is infested with the maggot breed

THE BOWELS OF TORMENT Blessed Be! The torment of me Hehe! The torment of thee Unfounded in my urgency Silenced by my desperate pleas

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My devastation over powers you with glee Exhausted in this fervor of need You laugh, you pounce, you leap In my destruction you feed Blessed Be! This torment of she

Vampirism ends Where my torrid pleasures begins TASTE YOU! Let me bite you upon your sweet flesh Your blood warm and sticky wet Give you the love you will never forget As I suck into my lungs your last breath Missing years not quite so you will always remember You will always know How I can make that mem(ber)ory of yours grow This longing desire of mine for your .....Soul!

I DO NOT PRETEND I do not pretend... To be something I am not That I am not dead inside And smell of rot That I am comforted

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When I am not comforted at all That I don't even bruise Should I survive a fall To be anything For I am nothing at all Or that it doesn't break my heart When you decide not to call That I don't prey upon Visions of my own death Or to feel justified When you tell me I am blessed To mask my pain For fear I might embarrass you Or to have the cure For these infernal blues Not to complicate life Or to look for an easy end Or for the fact that I feel shattered This I do not pretend

A FOOLS FOOL An unwitting fool Becomes a willing fool Using himself as a tool Who is now in the business Of fooling the foolish The foolish thought

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The fool ought To remain the fool But catching on This fool quickly thought ...Not! And so this foolish fools fool Using deceit and betrayal as a tool A lesson was quickly taught When stricken with the pain His ignorance caused That anyone and no one Is nobodys fool And just being yourself Is well worth the cost Not of being a fool Forever remaining lost

A STRANGER BEFORE ME

His calculated blows Leaves the light of hope dim As I rush to see who is at the door Nervously wondering if it is him I am disturbingly anxious Acting on a whim

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Vacating the truth of what is to come I do still love him And that is the problem, isnt it? I will never leave My silent fears I keep to myself are pointless As I wipe my tears upon my sleeve What is wrong with me? That I love to be in love Never taking the measures Necessary for that alone to be enough It is daring, it is forbidden It is the fruit of a sacred tree That should have never been eaten Chaos appears to be haunting me Where will I go? I am not certain But I must unleash myself from his grip The slashing of my dreams Has fallen upon my wrists Madly in need of him My final curtain call My only way back to the self I deserted Is to embrace a drop of insanity as I fall I have left myself in the shadows Of madness that thickens in the air The tension, I can cut with a knife Pretending that I no longer care He pushes his way inside Fury upon his brow I scream in sheer fear of him Who will love me now? My heart begins to stop its flow As red crimson saturates the floor Cut into pieces like a jigsaw puzzle I should have never opened that door!

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LIFE THE POETIC LINK One does not need to be a master at life Or be a visionary To see its beauty and potential within The meaning of life itself For it is within us all...

DEAR JOHN Please just hear me out Just listen to me for once I thought we were in this together? I thought we were fighting for love? Wipe my tears away Be gentle for a change I cannot keep on competing with you

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This is completely insane We should be able to count on each other It is just you and I We have a lot to learn About us, ourselves, our lives But now it has become A moment in which I must choose I have my own sanity, dignity and integrity And not just you to lose This battle, this wall You continuously put between us Is making me feel hollow My love for you is no longer enough You have a way of making me feel empty Happiness seems harder to obtain In these days you fill me with such sorrow Believing in you has brought me nothing but pain If I am willing to give it all up Just so you are comfortable How could I look at my own image? When your attitude is just unstoppable I try to reason, you want to fight I just cannot handle it anymore If our love is not worth changing your image of me Then I am walking out that door Into a life that is uncertain But that is where I would rather be Not here trying to be perfect for you While I, the perfect failure is all you can see I have to be more than that Or what else are we doing this for? Then you can tell me how much you really love me? And I can hate myself that much more? Sure I like a challenge But your idea of challenges are misconstrued

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While you are trying to spice up our marriage I feel like I am being used I thought I was screwed up But I know love doesnt have to be like this I deserve so much better Than a weak apology and a superficial kiss That is why I packed my bags tonight It is time for us to move on I know my feelings to you do not matter But I cannot keep trying to be strong Not for you, not for me While I turn this critical page in my life I just want you to be happy A goal not to be established as long as I remain your wife I guess it is just that time to say goodbye

CONVERGENCE OF EVIL Covering the paths of the masses As they tip in cheer with empty glasses Banishing those who are broken Diminishing of those things unspoken Cater to the ones ill fortune As we remain defiled and tortured Mourners rage for those to be damned Seeking one to understand

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Lost titles, positions, an angry horde Boxing that which leaves us bored Staple to their foreheads screaming All is passed beyond our grieving Battle scars left on the levy Tolls and troubles weighing heavy All but one are all seeing is believing Led to their deaths by those deceiving Still we wander a life of the blind To follow in the footsteps of like kinds Will burn in hell for all the tomorrows Leaving in their wake, endless sorrow Bitter is the taste of something wrong Condemn the lives of those who are strong Fortunate child on best behavior be Whatever is to come to those just like me? Where evil converges to kill mankind Love is hate in this world sublime Claim a stake of forgotten trends This is where my story almost ends Beyond the bowels of greater good Honor those who once misunderstood The simple manner of unheeding generosity Defines the wake of sheer atrocities A battle forges in the land of hearts The final chapter remains apart From those who seek pure innocence bleeding The call of those forever needing A bitten wrath of sheer demanding The callousness of those left standing The beginnings of scores of war Never really has gotten us that far Technology is for richer kinds To tear apart such fragile minds Destruction soon to affect the childlike masses

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To those empty shells, we raise our glasses

Life does have meaning I just wish I knew where to find it

SO SAD My life growing up was a sad and difficult one My childhood? Well, I did not have one I was an idealist, a dreamer and filled with hope But over the years, that seemed more like a joke I held on and I tried to let go Of the life I had, how was I supposed to know? Yeah the life I had, the life I would not

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Life was not perfect, not by a long shot How I wanted to leave and still do many times I just wanted to feel ok with myself In my heart and mind It still has not turned out quite the way I had planned But I know ending it all is not in my hands So I will try a little harder even if it kills me I feel I failed at suicide but never at misery And that may well be the real me The sufferer of self discovery But it is the only life I know, the only one I have Despite my bleak future, despite my painful past Because dreaming is a part of me This is who I am

FRAILTIES OF HUMANITY I am so tired of trying to fit in Born way before my time Paranoid and subsequently set up to fail The secrets I have been forced to swim in Hidden beyond parallel lines Has bound me imprisoned to no avail I am frail in the secrets of humanity I am dowsed upon the vision of lies I am torn beyond my reasons of insanity

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Forced to swallow all of which I despise Keep me hidden dont let me speak Keep me drowning to protect yourself From the truth in which I seek Always looking for something Never quite meant to be found In this world of silent screams I am frail in the secrets of humanity I am dowsed upon the vision of lies I am torn beyond my reasons of insanity Forced to swallow all of which I despise I am frail in the secrets of humanity I am dowsed upon the vision of lies I am torn beyond my reasons of insanity The child mourns between living and An early demise Im so tired of trying to fit in Born way before my time Paranoid and subsequently set up to fail Keep me hidden dont let me speak Keep me drowning to protect yourself In this world of silent screams (Of torment, self destructive, in chaos breathes) (Lifes tormented child) Through shattered beliefs of a secret hell Brain cells disintegrate in need for being Somewhat normal and somewhat well (Lifes tormented one) I am frail in the secrets of humanity I am dowsed upon the vision of lies I am torn beyond my reasons of insanity (Viewing pain through blinded eyes) The child within whispers its soft goodbyes

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(Your life has ended before it has begun) (My little tormented one...)

WEDNESDAYS TRASH Taken from my mother at the tender age of three Tossed into a center for placement Away from home No longer with my family Put into another's home Where I loved a mom so loving Only to be ripped out of there Because this mom was only temporary Taken to another place This time it was a home that did

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Accepted both my brother and me This three year old was quickly tossed aside When I kicked him for pinching me Please don't make me go, I screamed out how I was sorry...! No spanking. No tolerance for this small child Shipped off like I didnt even matter So another home I went I was afraid of these people Frightened to the core Of what was in store for me Though I did not yet understand Took them taking me to Disneyland To get me speaking again For I hadn't talked in months Then time just becomes this big blur I remember some things But mostly, I remember Only the times when I got hurt And all the times [daddy] touched me All the times I had to search for food All the times I got beaten up, punished, starved And belittled, when I thought I was being good It didn't stop there After I was reunited with my real mom I thought I had it bad in those other homes But, the real abuse had just begun Now I became a plaything for all the men to see Convinced this was the only way To be loved I did the only thing that came naturally My heart cried to God each night This child, begged Him to fix me So my mom would know that I would never hurt her Because of me, she lived her life miserably

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I would have settled being Tuesday's child If I worked really hard at it, I could be Out I would go, just like Wednesday's trash Someone would always be discarding me That is such a bitter pill to swallow A very difficult thing to face That all I wanted was to be loved What a worthless dream to chase!

HUMAN ERROR I should falter I should walk on water I should crawl back into the sand From which I was born I should laugh some I should cry much I should feel what others feel But I am untouched If you knew me You would hold me

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And rock me to a safe place For me is unknown But I ask for nothing No returning to me All of which I can not have Or possibly own For I am sadness And I am pain I am the tendon of life That has been severely strained For I am human I am but an echo Of the words one can not say Of the love one can not show For I am but a shadow Of your heart content With the fervor of desperation I should be your silence Give you independence I could have dignity If ever I was real to you Than alive, I could be But I am broken Then am I also a lie? What am I doing here? What have I left to survive? For I am human I never failed to try To err is human Now, will I be allowed to cry?

A METHOD TO THIS MADNESS

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Foreclosure on hate Foreclosure of screams Foreclosure of everything In nightmarish dreams Rob the heart Tear apart the soul at the seams Take till one becomes a prisoner Of ones own dignity The sanctity of integrity No longer holds clout As one gets peeled layer by layer Of all till it leaves nothing but doubt A victim of righteousness Madness in the air This is what we steal from ourselves When the methods remain unclear

PITIFUL SIMARITAN A wishing well Throw a penny in Feel the water seep under your skin Once you realized you were broke A wishing well, what a joke! All of a sudden it comes to you While standing there, soaked through None of this is... About you Yet again You throw not just one penny... But two!

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See, doesn't it feel good to help someone else Briefly, not thinking only about yourself Others are out there who needs your help To remember when someone once helped you! And how good it felt

CRUEL SHADOWS A cold droplet of sweat hugs my brow Before finding its bearings and Continue trickling down I am so tired I have no fight left in me Mommy, what did I do wrong? I'm sorry So sorry! Please let me out I'll be good I promise! Mommy, please let me in, I am hungry Why did you lock me out? I'm in big trouble today

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I begged my teacher not to tell She caught me stealing food But I didn't steal it, honest The kids threw it away They didn't want it anymore Please, make it stop! My eyes are playing tricks on me I know you are there I can see you in the shadows What do you want from me? That you come to haunt me Even in my sleep? Where is my closet now? The place I wanted so badly, to escape Where in the midst of sheer madness May be the only place I am safe Please, don't make me close my eyes For the tiny girl in me has never died I can not mourn when I can not cry And I can not do either of these Until these cruel shadows subside! NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS Starting tomorrow I shall hang up this sorrow As I wait for another day Jump on hope Before it goes up in smoke As I practice another way Listen, do not talk Get my life back on the ball Remember others might have something to say Push aside the hurt

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Bury this lifes dirt And calmly walk away I can do that Relax and sit back As tomorrow came and went Not for the lack of trying This dark cloud shed its silver lining I grin and bear it as my energy is spent Quit smoking, well that will never happen My pride declines, life is better all of a sudden Just trying to be realistic about my New Years resolutions As I soak in my bitter resentments Move to alleviate all of the tension While getting closer to making an honest amends I break down in isolated contention

OUT OF LOVE Silent tears streak my cheeks As I sit by and watch out my window This shadow of you fall Like a shooting star that has lost its flame Its fuel for lifes essence You are fading I can not hold nay any longer Your grip on me, leaves this heart calloused Foreboding in what it means to be you Daring me to push right through I can not breathe

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Like liquid, hot and scorching You burn in me embers of resentment Where it comes from, I do not know Nor do I wish to Once ignited in passion and lust Forgotten love has ached me, once more You have become the vision of all I retaliate against I loved you once My only wish is to be in love with you Forever more What is it to you that you may love me? Or did you ever? Black as night Eternity closes its curtain It springs into my being With the shades I pull in the darkness Infinite loneliness Boundless betrayal Caused by my own heart I am my own victim I, and all that it means to be, I Certainty is fading Fading And much like you, I am gone The vapors of non-existence I merely evaporate into what never was, never can be A love devoured, I am powerless My destiny written in stone But not seen Only felt A soul disintegrated into the needing of you Of needing me, longing for me Yearning for us, devouring each others hearts Come and we together shall face our destiny Where the true meaning of we, just merely Vanishes with each breath we take

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All for love's sake, unconditionally Melting into unity that no longer exist ...Out of love I slowly disappear into this abyss of Nothing!

THIS SADNESS PLAGUE I am in the loop now Swirling, twirling, spinning in mid air Desperately I am searching for the ground that is never there I want to save the world A world that does not know me One that does not see So I live in this house of confusion and terror And now, I am in too deep! I want to mend, need to mend Swimming through chaotic dimensions

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Floored by the pain, choking on the hurts I am just waiting for my days to end My heartstrings are numbered, being pulled out One by one, shredded like the thinnest cord My love was and is stronger than that Won't you, please accept this reward? You have it all, I have nothing But I am still so willing to give Chronic sadness, insatiable madness Is this what it means to live? An eclipse of travesty has shadowed this heart Please, will you not try to understand? Give back to me the happiness I never had And let me bury this in the sand To wash out with the water Life giving Loving in its demands Bleed my pain out into the darkness Into the place of shadows Never mine to hold again!

STRANGE! Strange Nothing Silence There is movement And yet not a single sound It is inside me, this thing that stirs Like the hands of a clock Searching for the next number... The second hand timelessly Effortlessly Moves an infinite number of times

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Awakening me, searching Such a craving it leaves in me Consider the small hand As it represents my emotions My dreams And all that I have never had The pleasure to embrace Or to be embraced by Love The big hand A representative of the past Of what haunts me No blinds me! Shutting me into the darkness Fear is stirring Eternal! And beyond a boundless infinity That in this battle of rejection is... Rejection was! All of my needs, all of my wants My desire to be Has created such a profound Hunger for the knowledge That should certainly set me free Time... For me is teetering Gone haywire I have long been held in bondage... Born in siege! I can hear the tick tock Of life's clock Booming in my ears Getting louder and louder Until I scream It is no longer silent The quiet...

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Has returned home Deep, within the 'Somewhere' As it controls my mind Echoing the fears in my heart Memories flitting around me Consuming me in its fire I must not utter a sound Or it will start all over again A wretched eternity has climbed Upon my shoulders, once more Then in a flash, it is gone Vanished! Not even leaving behind... A vapor trail Is this too How I will disappear? Where is all the beauty? Where is the sense in all of this? Strange!

TWO SOULS

The night beckoned me to wake the fire inside When a distant soul summoned my heart to beat To the rhythm of a whisper so beautiful, so complete Blazoned was the crimson ember deep within Caressing two tainted souls that begged to be forgiven Connecting two far spirits that longed to be side by side I find myself anxiously driven Nervously waiting For that moment when we will become alive Two lost souls searching in the dark

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Torn apart so severely Darkness has broken our hearts These smoldering longings, nearly catches our breath In the moment of inhalation heaving upon our chests Leaves the world of the forgotten to the old era of death A fascinating memorandum still drips with our blood Eyes glued shut by the evidence of pain Two souls searching till we find each other again Find each other we will, someday on eternitys plane Where two souls collide, our moment arrives Death does not exist for the one where true love resides

OCEANS KISS In the early morning hours I walk down to the beach It is when I am the most peaceful I can just fade away for a moment in time I walk to the least traveled section of the beach Climb down to my favorite area of rocks I sit on the edge welcoming the feel of the oceans breeze The beautiful sea whispers to me My heart begins to sing a song Listening to the sweet melody it brings Tears fall down my face The seas mist, and light spray washes them from me I become one within its amazing beauty

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I feel safe here Even this late at night The mist caress my skin ever so lightly The wind blowing softly through my hair In this time and place I am free From the torrent of emotions, I deal with regularly Today, right now; the pain can not touch me I will return to this place tomorrow To watch the sun paint upon the sky Many hues of blue, purple and reds, an array of softness Splashed with the many colors of pastels This is the true West Coast glory As it fades into the night For entertainment, various types of music begin to play The sounds wafting out of the many taverns and inns Beckoning visitors to come in, enjoy Have a drink or two, play a game Listen to the many bands play and relax for a bit The boardwalk is bustling with people Freedom is apparent here I take in the laughter that rings out into the night air That soon becomes a faint whisper As it is carried off in the wind Looking for solitude I return to my spot once again I feel like a child exploring The amazing wonder of which life provides The moon, for me comes alive Sharing her private thoughts with me I am lulled by the sound of each wave As it comes crashing just beneath my feet Here lives the breath of Great Spirit Ive never seen a more majestic place Nor felt warmer in times embrace I can not deny its beauty for I am lured to it It is more than the mere being surrounded In all of its splendor It is much more than a warm place to relax

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The perfect place for a tan It is the place where my heart and mind can escape The sufferings of every day It is Mother Earth sharing conversations with me In my own tongue If only to get lost in one moment in time To aid me to becoming one with myself Ah, the reminiscence Makes me homesick for lo and behold, I live far away now How I really miss it most times For whenever I was hurting I could count on the oceans kiss To temper my soul and ease my troubled mind Oh, how I long for my perfect, precious escape in time

INCOMPLETE I feel so No, not dead inside. No, not numb. No, not real. No, not alive. No, not fulfilled I feel so Hurt, exposed, raw, tormented, ripped As if into tiny shreds I feel so Lonely, isolated, aggravated, dominated As if I have no life of my own Empty No control No say

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Nothing to come home to No ability to change all the things I have no control over what reminds me That I have nothing Am nothing Can do nothing But give everything to a hopeless end My essence is fading I fear I have let you down Failed you, somehow, failing me, Myself I have solely betrayed I have been so betrayed I fear I am broken And will always remain this way, Within this life ...My destiny My fate I have Love, wants, desires, needs, and so much heart Within this shell carries a soul Filled with passions, dreams Riveted in pure imagination Sensuality A deeply embedded need for life But all that was taken away from me Now that I have ...Nothing No one No place to call home No light No hope No laughter All is gone the moment you left All has faded, except the tears Locked in the memories of you In your passing Take me now too Great Spirit I am ready Please Let me come home My life is so empty now, without you

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I am no longer me The me, I used to know, can not be freed I am this freak of nature of life, and of death Death has swallowed me In its entirety That is all I crave now When I was forced to say Goodbye No, I am not dead inside No, not numb No, not whole Never whole Just weak from these tears I am bound to forever Weep I feel as if I have been turned inside out I fear I am nothing ..No more nor less than... Incomplete!

FROM PEN TO PAPER

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As I scroll on these lines So many thoughts whiz through my head Difficult to sort out at times In brief, leaving much unsaid If tears were colored in ink Many words would never need to be written All would plainly see me under extreme duress Dealing with too many complications By days gone, or love gone astray And all the times I can take life no more From thought to pen then paper I write these small but few chosen words Most times I am run by my feelings Pushing me to write my soul In which every one of my emotions Helps my poetry to form

PORCELAIN UNDER GLASS II I pound, I yell, I cry, still stuck inside You, me, your words, your lack of sympathy I come so close, so far way This spirit made of porcelain Still I do not break A reflection I cannot look past With haste I drive a wedge between me and it Stuck driving into my past Us, you, me, pushing you as far away as possible Now I play the role of martyr Playing right into my own slaughter

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Of hurt, of blame, shame, lost and torn It is me I mourn I cry. You wont stop, but I loved you You squeeze harder and harder Until I can no longer breathe on my own Sufferer of sorrow, great and immense sorrow Where do I go from here? If I cannot move Stuck in the hateful entity of my love for you Still sitting here on the shelf, up high, losing myself Oh the roles I play, to keep you sane But who will keep me safe? Running out of options One more left to go, a bottle of pills, some rope Biding my time, biting my tongue Confusing time lines Confusing you and me Slowly losing touch with reality A pair of scissors to maul my flesh I am sick of being this porcelain under glass

NOW, CAN I COME HOME? At the mercy of others Very little self control I wander half blind Toward my greatest unknown Stumbling through life I question all that is right or wrong Where are all the answers? Built to make me strong I sense abroad an angel Just beyond my sight Perhaps it is just the devil Dressed in a clever disguise

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Many empty promises Centered around selfish lies Many quick to take advantage Destroying innocent lives! How have I done, so far? To be well understood? I try hard not to falter Remembering my promise to be good I am left feeling small, shattered and alone Have you forgotten me, because of my size? So much hope in this one person Somewhere, somehow, someone will hear my cries! And when they do, does that mean you finally accept my goodbyes? After all these years, is it really true? That my pleas have finally earned a reply? Please Great Spirit, let me go I surrender unto you, my soul Have you come to end this pain in me? Are you here to set me free? Because I am feeling very sleepy now And I will need some where to go For I do not really belong here Now, can I come home?

ABSORBED

Do not pity me For no matter how worthless I might feel now

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I will never break Nor let your pity keep me down Nor from the shards that rest against My very soul That cut me so deep For it is out of pure spite That I shall survive Want to see?

FLIRT THE EFFORT Why should I flirt the effort or divert to extremes? Only to set myself up to fail Disappointments flooding the very being of me As I sit in a corner to wail My eyes out Loss confidence Buried under an invisible tree Why can I not be seen? Self-pity mantra of all these woe Is me Shout at the top of my lungs Wishing there was more that I could do Or feel somehow That could open the door to Opportunity

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Beyond lifelong poverty means Or childrens screams out of lost dreams To be somebody not born to fail To sip on the mystical Holy Grail Flirt the effort? Become ensnared? What do you know that I don't? In all the I Told you sos Work is not an option So forgive me in all of my rush I sincerely do not mean to push As life keeps throwing more of the same My way For just wanting to be Somewhat normal and sane! Is this what iot means to be? Oh how humane

MENTAL DISEASE I hate calling it an illness It is far worse than that It courses through my very being And I can get none of that back I awaken in a dream to discover I have not awakened at all Try to decipher a voice of reason But there is no one for me to call Blame it on traumatic experiences But, even I am not that sure It does not explain away all the other stuff My paranoia steadily runs pure

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Intense emotions plague me Day in and day out I just try to make myself better Never knowing what half of me is about I want to, but I do not trust anyone I am too ashamed to let someone in Twisted and gnarled inside, while waiting for These mental games to begin, once again I have no control over what my own mind does to me I am freaked out and running scared As this mind of mine is against me, wont you see? This is why I do not want to be here! How is discussing all the bad things that happened to me Supposed to bring about some magic solution? Will this cause this suicidal lingering to end in me? Psyche drugs and counseling Is this your only resolution? It does not stop this terror in my mind or Stop my mind from terrorizing my heart I fear the worlds intentions for me and It is tearing my whole life apart Too bad you cannot see inside of me or You would know how condemned I feel Enough with your psycho babble bull shit This mental disease is very real And it is destroying me piece by piece I am crawling within my own flesh To know that suicide will one day be the end of me Hating my life! Even when I am at my very best My own mind is like a thief in the night I wonder how much more of me it will steal With all these mental disorders and illnesses I have Compound them together Then you have a mental disease that cannot be healed That can be very dangerous for people just like me With no cure in sight to be found Making it necessary to kill this disease

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Even if the consequences mean that I too Will be laid into the ground At least my mind will be still and quiet A.S., Bi Polar, Depression No longer causing my heart to pound Only then can my spirit finally and peacefully rest! No longer unsettled by Imagined fears, visions or sounds

IN STASIS Tears glisten in the sun Dirty hand prints stain the glass Seen on a rainy day A tiny voice of pain Screams forgotten laughter When embraced in shame Embarrassment of the game To be one, to belong, to be strong But always somehow proven wrong Downright void Not an exception for man If you are weak Show any signs of weakness

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Many will turn away The calling of your name You are not heard And rarely seen A gleam in ones eye is pointless You know you do not matter And as frightening as that might be You cannot run from the truth Nor hide from you, yourself The only person who knows Life should be better than this As the forgotten ones last wish Is to depart this life And though Not remembered while you lived Might in ones passing to at least be missed Just one tiny hint, just one small glimmer That yes, you did at one time, exist MINIONS DOMAIN They hide in the crevices of Ones mind Lurking in the shadows of Despair Inside the dark corridors of ones heart Lies the nameless Faceless in all its morbid glory Just awaiting for the moment when one will Act It is like a game There are no virtues here The virtuous are weak And I the meek grab at hands that Are not even there

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I hold onto nothing Because with nothing I can not go wrong To have something, anything Means to Lose it all I have not much left of myself To give away, let alone Allow these minions to take it from me Whatever that may be You can see them sometimes The embodiment of hatred, anger, And futile efforts of those deemed Lost on humanity They survive on discord Their rapture is to take the very Heart of a man And I Stand in front of this mirror With no image, no persona No identity Nothing to call me or my Own As if I am nothing Caged and soulless Perhaps forgotten But not undone Never that ! So, I remain dominated in Lifes tedious game Alone Yes Ashamed Definitely Whole Never! Just me, for whatever that is worth

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ALIVE IN A DEAD MANS DREAM Feel the gloom and dread Upon ones head Who dares ask for more? Blood drips and drops Leaving its trail Of doom through this demons pores Broken bones and shattered dreams One awakens A dead man lost Piercing deadly At every cost Blood soaked tortured screams

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A nightmares gore As I implore This wistful imagery Deadly plots But all Ive got to show My lusted lore Drowning spits of a soured hit What, in this mist Of fogs and horns do blow? Cowards in a corner Hovered in crimson red Upon this iron chair does it sit? Abuse imagined not forthwith A cry in sanitys plea Ignored are all this innocence need But by vengeance greed I can not prove lovers grip Through gutted teeth I do hiss Need for sense not for making In conclusion still Of imprisoned wills The damaged soul Wilt does life foretell As lifes razors takes it toll Upon this battered heart That feels its cutting and raking Where contemplating Are for mere dreamers As I, the ever forsaken Alive in a dead mans dream All the while I feel him shaken I drink from the cup Filled with his rot

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Foreclosure of eyes sown shut Forever locked in whatever Eternal torment brings

TORN Surrender your heart Can you not feel all of those possibilities? What do you feel now, but sorrow and pain? Just another link added to this broken chain There are things you wish you never said Deeds you wish were never committed Your soul is but one drop of blood away To dig this hole, for that is where your dreams remain You feel strongly that your heart could never mend You get close, only to watch it end I know poor girl that this hurts too much When you wither away from your lover's touch Do you really feel your soul is about to break?

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Can destiny not have time to fix its mistakes? Color me blue, my dear, for I feel your pain Same as in the beginning when I wore your shame You walk around, your head hung low With the bitter taste of betrayal, not of your own Aching, searching, needing, until death rips you apart New knowledge cracks an already indistinguishable heart Good or bad? You are not that sure You only know you are tired From carrying around all of this hurt You wish it, scream it, you just want it to go away You know it never will, this be your burden It is damned to stay We are one and the same It is an utter shame that I can not help you Us, you, me, you and I Your inner whisperings begin to cry Must give your life another chance to live and try What are you afraid of? What could you possibly lose? I am only your inner noise I can not help you to pick and choose How lonely this must leave you feeling forever doomed You are a bright and capable woman Reality lost on a sick girl Who sees the world from a different view Dedicated to not feeling this pain alone You type until your fingers are black and blue Your voice , your art Your poetry brands those who read them Your words sifted in a world of uncommon And unlikely truths Your words brings life to someone else who is just like you Make aware the ones that never knew Desperately wanting to end this pain Yes it does hurt this much

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Desperately needing to learn how to give your unconditional trust I can only sit and listen to you pray For death every single night I pray you suck in your every breath And realize that what you really crave is... life And that is just the easy part As you first begin to open your heart Spare the details, for I know them well Help me to grasp you safely from this lowly hell Though not self made as one might think But a collision course may cause them to be right If what you hold inside, you will not give it a chance Then alone, you the forsaken Will have to dance

ULTERIOR MOTIVES Seasons change The world changes My harsh reality of a growing epidemic Bitter, selfish cruelties of humankind ..Transparent Plexi-glass of the human spirit Leaves them soulless and rigid I am the isolation within a group I am surrounded by empty eyes Empty promises and Shallow lies I am absorbed Hook, line and sinker Empathic, sympathetic Bleed me until I am dry

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A broken spirit, haggard and torn I reach out with loving hands The abyss of nothingness This black hole That can easily become me You wish I was never born But then, who would you blame? The petty accusations You feed off the torment of your words I am no good Unwanted and unloved Devastated by Blow after blow Everything changes The inner workings of creation Unflawed Everything has its purpose So what went wrong in the making of me? Tossed out in the bowels of the universe Spiraling, tumbling out of control, lost Better not turn my back on those of who Suddenly needs me My heart will not have it! Anothers heart I will never have Disperse me like a whore With meaningless self righteous gibberish And spectacular visions Of how to right the wrong But, I do not wish to be selfish Yearning to feed on insatiable greed Right the wrong! Power to the people With deceit in their hearts Their blood boils Right the wrong! End of me!

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OH, TO HELL WITH IT I GIVE UP!

MISTER SINISTER Oh lovely, lovely Children at play Just wait my darlings Until you get a load of my games Oh what fun we will have We will sing and dance Have cake and candy too Just wait until I am through with you Kneading and rubbing you against my skin Oh the delicious hell you will be in But not now, I have to work a bit As I take in a much more older victim Peel slowly back the eyelids

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So they can see Every orifice I fill With my sinister seed I lay them down Bind them good Then I begin to evaluate The state of my manhood They must die And so someday will you You will not talk back Whilst I make you black and blue Chop off the head While it gives me some Chop off the hands for garnish When my dinner is done Scream all you like No one can hear you Tear off your flesh to make a dress One can see through Would that not be just lovely? My lovelies Shush! Hush my child It will not be long now I will fill my plate Carve your meat right down to the bone Hush! I said, my little darlings, please Shut up, and get down on your knees Let me look you over And see what I might want to eat Instill me with your eagerness to please Daddys home now, shut up and let me feast

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GATHER UP THE BROKEN PIECES

Shattered, tattered, spoiled Harvest for the days wages I stand on this corner With all the filth in this world I am afraid Daddy, can I come home now? Can I please come home to stay?

FEELING EMPTY Purge this thing deep within That crawls and writhes under my skin That which has plagued me, years gone by Always leaving me wondering why Did I do something wrong? To cause this hurt to go in so deep Or is that the answer to a question You will forever keep Hidden somewhere between Death and despair A place I will never find The everlasting peace that will one day Replace the cruelty left behind Am I a never ending joke

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In the cosmic scheme of things? I lie awake in daydreams If only I had wings I dare to hope, that is all that is left In a world that has forgotten Searching endlessly for that ridge Just above the bottom Perhaps all things are going accordingly To your divine plan but Great Spirit If you could feel what I feel Would you then, understand? I am not certain I can wait that long When this ungodly pain never seizes To wreak havoc upon this fragile mind I try to be strong and patient In you, I truly believe I am worn out and so tired When will this agony ever leave? Did you know that my heart Would always be crying? That my soul will feel lost And in stark contrast I will begin dying? That lifting me up only a little at a time Would not always be enough? But I will not falter or fade away from you Awaiting the promise of your love It can be a sobering moment to see Your self fade away No way to stop or control it Helpless without ever having a say Just like watching a movie or a puppet Funny, I cannot feel any strings Nor do I feel the proof of my existence Only tragic despair, otherwise

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I do not feel a thing!

SCARS

I soak up my tears As I cry for you I soak up the blood As I bleed for you I engage in your joy While I also drown in sorrow for you I waft under your dimming light Because I do not know what else to do

OVERDOSE If ever I needed an anecdote For kindness, you would be it Shoveling hate in my face Absorbing all of your bullshit You are infested with it A lie here, a lie there Anything to let you get away With murder You do not give a shit who you hurt Who is the real manipulative bitch now? I learned from the best Sometimes I do put it to the test When others see my kindness

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For weakness I quickly put them in their place But this is not about them It is about you and me The drug of choice for you Is humiliation Just enough to watch me bleed And to concede a feud no more Still holding all the control You stupid hag, you know nothing about me As I watch the blood spurt through tearless eyes You are not really fooling anyone, you know? Not so long as they can get into your pants But I get into your mind I deeply embed myself under your skin Those fake tears do not work anymore It only serves to make you appear More haggard, aging, terrified from within Like mother, like daughter My world amassed in godless sin

THE SPIRIT REALM

Hush my child It is only me Visiting you while you dream

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I love to watch you as you sleep Following the rhythm while you breathe Up, down, up, down Your tiny chest heaves No worries in the world for my angelic darlings Only smiles when your imagination takes you To where ever it is you are at this very moment I lean down to give you a kiss For the last time The last time I then wake up With tears in my eyes For in my dreams It is the only time I get to spend with you Is the only time I get to say goodbye The one time I no need to cry

MISERY You know? I hear every word Even after I cover my ears My heart breaks With every syllable My soul cries When my eyes have shed their due I think back on times When I would get smacked for no reason I wish you would slap me now It would hurt A whole lot less I often wonder Just how much can one imagine? It does not take creativeness Or imagination

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To know the darkness of such Unspoken pain I lay here feeling compelled To taking your lashing Wishing every moment Your voice box would break It stings me Deeply, as I have no escape But to only love you Because without you Who would ever love me? And so, these bindings Wrap them selves around me Tighter and tighter Until I can not breathe And yet in my fury I can not hate you I only hate death For not binding me Not embracing me As I would embrace death But, it remains elusive Just like everything else Except the pain Of a broken spirit lost Spiraling out of control In all of this homemade Misery!

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GO AHEAD BURY MY DREAMS TOO BECAUSE WHAT ELSE HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?

OLD WOMANS GRIN I open the door just a little To peak through A room filled with yards of fabric And household glue In awe I stare at this old woman Amidst threads and stitch I watch as she sews Her known world thrown amiss See she lost someone that she deeply loved Still sewing his clothes as if he were not gone A woman of happy memories is all but alone I admire that woman who stays sturdy and strong

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DREAM RECALL Hot scorching sun Blistering soft lips The taste of honey Gone from your delicious mouth Bitter and rancid Like that of the dead Swarms of humans, and animals alike Swimming around my head I am the forsaken Your mother warned you about Take heed this lustful urge As you bead sweat down your brow Luscious remembrance of good times Never had, will never have The swoon of your body Oh how you make it dance Neck tilted, waiting Forbidden but by chance Dream recall, all the more To enhance this romance Behind these clouds of delight Imaginary lover Imaginary friend Swallow you whole each time Until my end Bitter halo of sacrament Leave nothing to chance Suicide my label Death has embraced me in our last breath Oh sweet sorrow to surrender upon As I partake in your lovely gifts Your sorrowful, sweet agonizing tormented

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But lovely, oh so enchanting gifts Death softly blows its hot breath Across the nape of my neck I am oblivious to all but its caress My sweet darling You should know of deaths Soft and eager kiss Just waiting to take you, me, us To dreams eternal bliss Just to think if I should awaken What gloriously beautiful whisperings I would miss I do not wish to end this Suicide, my pen and paper I awaken, only to reminisce

SIMPLICITY Runs my mind COMPLICATION controls my heart CHAOS damages my soul I CANNOT do this alone I WONDER who it will be That will ONE DAY Make me WHOLE

THE NIGHT MY ANGELS FLEW AWAY Cool June day The beach packed with happy travelers The sunset enormously gorgeous, as usual Smiles and happy faces looking back at me I could not be any more content

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Dinner was sublime As I was lost in time Daddy still has not finished his work Seems my husband tends to work late a lot But I don't let my mind wander too long For my angels wish to play some games Watch some T.V. Fill up on snacks Brush your hair and teeth, babies Go softly to sleep Tuck them in and kiss them on their cheeks I love you... White light, an angel's visit A hand upon my shoulder, and I am awake People in hospital uniforms bustling about Asking me questions, I don't understand A detective? I don't understand? Time goes by Feels like weeks Do I know how long I have been in this coma? No, I just want to go home The detectives stopped by They talked I collapse from the news My world immediately dies Daddy wasn't coming home Daddy wasn't working late I had no room for hate I was devastated Why would God let this happen? I don't understand anything Comatosed for five weeks I didnt want to know Daddy put wings on our babies My world's view became black ever since... That night my angels passed away

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And to this day, I have never been the same Survivor's guilt and shame Wishing to end this pain So much... So desperate, so alone So lost since God let me stay It hurts equally as much to know That that was the night my angels flew away Without me

DARE I Dare I enter the realm of you? Swirling sea of green and blue Warm, lapping waves of liquid charm My drunken heart feels no alarm My dizzy mind is in a haze Im drowning in your velvet gaze I cannot fight your rising tide For it feels too good to stay inside Inviting abyss, with starry sky Spellbound, mesmerized dare I?

ABSORBING MY MUSES WHIMS

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I can almost feel the movement inside my mind It is my heart foretelling of times WhenI fail to want to move To the sounds of my muses tune With all her might She jerks, she pokes, she prods Hence the tapping of these keys Is her voice I bring across Not my own voice For that I never really had And sometimes without a choice She comes to me in moments unplanned I take heed to her gentle nudging For within lies great hope Allow her to take me to places up high And down some slippery slopes Of heartbreak is where she usually lies I cannot imagine her voice gone Should ever I face my destiny and die For my muses voice is much too strong I no longer try to push her out Never letting our light dim For I become somebody When I am absorbing my muses whims

LIVING DOLL When you look in my eyes, what do you see? A little girl, young woman or just me? A living doll to capture your dreams? Do I look, pretty, sad, lonely, or scared? Or just a know it all who appears

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To need no one at all? Do I look like I am crying as I continue to laugh? Or do you see the welcome mat placed upon my heart By which I unwittingly let in the past? Do my eyes show any sorrow? Or even an ounce of pain? Do I look heartbroken or greatly ashamed? Perhaps, I look normal just like anyone else! You see in this store called life ...Placed high upon the shelf

METHOD MAN Streamlining down the Interstate 100 to 120 miles per hour Slam it into overdrive Feel the rawness of pure power As you slip and slide to miss your mark Feel the pounding rip open your heart Pull into a cul-de-sac Zip a reversal from your attack Climb forty flights of stairs To your domain Stick a hot scorching needle Of warm juices into your veins Slip back into reality In and out of sweet pain Misery the company you sell

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To do it all over again You awaken to a scream The sound made by your own voice Lying dead in your lap is the lady of your dreams You ponder the need to make other choices Speed is what you crave To end this nightmare, that is your right But you corner your self in a dead end Faced with yourself, you go back to your life Messages belay your answering machine Will the incessant noise never end? But, this is just another day for The ever elusive method man

TIP TOE The door opens with a slight squeak In I poke my head to peek I spy with my very own eyes A bed upon which mommy and daddy lies I tip toe quietly into their room And quickly run out as one begins to move I smile at my brother He would make a lot less noise That is only because my little brother Does not have much of a choice I help get him dressed and ready for school I protect my little brother from all who are cruel It is Saturday, no school today So off we go to the fair to play My brother and I are very anxious to go

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My brother gets to be the puppeteer at the show Through the puppets, my brother can run and play This is going to be his greatest day! Confined to a wheelchair This is more then he could hope for! For my brother has not so much as tip toed Handicap Since the day he was born

LINGERING From the first time I took a breath To the first time I could speak Till the now in which I linger Love has always been the thing I seek From the first bruise To the Law taking this child away Till the now in which I linger From tears, my cheeks are permanently stained From the days, my foster father touched me To the days you caught me touching myself Till the now in which I linger Scarred eternal from the many assaults From the time I first gave in to suicide To the time you pretended concern Till the now in which I linger

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More than, boiling water, has left me burned From the very conception I love my children To the day God had taken them away Till the now in which I linger Whatever the circumstance, my life is filled with pain From all the days I have suffered a rape To the day I stood up, and put him away Till the now in which I linger The ugliness of me still remains From the days I will always love my children To the nights, I know they are forever gone Till the now in which I linger I regret the times in which I am strong From the few days I am glad I live To the days I forever beg for death Till the now in which I linger I still succumb to taking a breath From the mornings I would rather be asleep To the nights I sit here and write Till the now in which I linger Forever, lingering... Between, death and life

THE MEMORIES Starry night Close to sunrise Almost there Not too long now I watch the earth change Vibrant colors

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The breeze is soft today Four jars to be open Ashes to be scattered Must not break down Must keep up the beat That sorrow does not want me hear Must let my angels fly So they will always be near Sorrow whacks my spirit into raspy moans I break down I cant do this Not ready to let go I am just not ready yet I break down and cry So alone

THE FINAL BLOW I am considering it again You know About bringing my life to its end People do not understand the pain How it yanks and pulls Until you lose all of your strength It is just like drowning Only it is not water filling your lungs Your world has deteriorated Before it has even begun I am so lost I do not know what to do anymore My inner scars Have become these seeping sores You just do not know

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Though it may seem selfish I can no longer handle Feeling so alone I never had love No one to comfort me when I was down Just a bunch of questions To help me feel more like an idiot More like a clown No one to touch me Unless satisfaction is in it for them I need so much more Than gratification of the moment! My pain comes and goes And all believes I will be fine from there But how much do they truly believe it? Or just say whatever to fain they care! If I am being selfish Then I am no where close to that of this world Speak until I am blue in the face I will still never be heard This was never about me I was never meant to know great things Does that make it easier to know? Hell no! Because of it Greater is my shame! I just wanted to say I love and loved you all Even if none of you ever loved me But this life It just isn't working out Please Can you not see? All that life has taken from me? I need to rewrite Gods symphony With the ending note releasing me My burdened soul now be set free

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TREASURE CHEST I can instill within you The basics of common courtesy The values of compassion Sympathy, love, trust, generosity Through my consistency in raising you I can share with you... Hopes, dreams, my heart Through keeping all of my promises to you I can guide you in your future decisions Choices, beliefs In all of these things In you, will be put to the test And in you I have asked for nothing in return... And I never will For it is not your place Besides you have given me

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More than you realize More than you will ever know Greater than all the gold in this world You Your smile My Angels, priceless! My hearts only .....Treasure Chest

BLACK AS NIGHT I am sitting here In the darkness of my room There is such a dread that feels like A shadow, no millions of them Pouring down above my head Out of nowhere they come and engulf me Very slowly The movement of them feels sticky As each one clings to my bones This depression of me is in control I wish I were gone, vaporized I feel so hollowed out It is almost physical I feel sick to stomach Not sure if the food I ate earlier Would not come back up

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My head hurts My heart hurts I just want the pain to go away To be normal To be sane As if that were possible My depression has me Not the other way around I fell through the cracks And survived The cost of that Burdens me greatly I feel as though I really do Carry the weight of the world Upon my shoulders My spine is collapsing atop of itself My will to fight, deteriorating And fast I want to break out in a smile I wonder if I am even good enough Worthy of getting past all of this So I just continue sitting here In the dark quiet of my room Wishing for some asperity Some minute reasoning that says I can move on Convince me that I am ok You cannot Because I am not ok Nor will I ever be My driving force evaporating Black as night My heart turns to stone, briefly And again I break down and cry These shadows now consumes my heart How do I compete with that?

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I am overcome I lay down for awhile Behind my closed eyes A sheet of black envelops me And I pray that I will sleep eternally For this depression has me Never the other way around My life, my fears, my hopes Only exist in the blackest of black As black as onyx As strong as steel As black as night Tonight Tonight will be different Because tonight I will be, in one way or another Going home

TAKING SHALLOW BREATHS I am so sorry But I can not take this anymore I am not that strong Besides that, I do not want to be With being strong Comes this huge responsibility I fear that in reality I do not hold such qualities Maybe if things would have gotten better Maybe if I would have improved In some small way Maybe if I had known more laughter Had I not been swallowed whole By the pain Perhaps if I could have given back to me What many say I possess the power

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To sharing with the world Perhaps if I could see some daylight Behind the walls of this prison Of dashing hopes within If only I felt my life worth living Perhaps if I could just breath Taking in shallow breaths Heart slowing down Brain feeling all fuzzy My view is turning black My skin blue Icy to the touch Maybe if I could have really Felt and known that I was worthy Before this decision I made Before the action I just took Then maybe ..Just maybe THE WEARING OF THIS MASK The perplexities of life Are but one in a million And quite possibly more But I can not count that high I only know... From what is inside The busy path of thoughts From which my every emotion collides Streams and tides from chaotic absorption That sometimes wreaks havoc upon this mind Are countless... To say the very least To which a mere subtle description Would barely serve to touch the surface of me As I would seek escape

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Via a world amass in visual dreams Complicatedly simple... Verging on silent screams This is the backdrop of everything I have seen, and only one simple basis Of life's more common complexities Wrought with so many travesties In describing me... I am but one And so I do not bother to count anymore Hidden and lost in a harsh reality As but one more casualty Easily forgotten to say the very least Interwoven In life's complications Searching out even a minute sense Within my own flexing abilities A mere one in a million And possibly more But as I have said before I can not count that high As I and too many others Are led to our slaughter Preparing to die this slow death Hidden from the world I take a detour Inside my dark mind Away from the blood soaked tears Is where I choose to reside Hoping upon all hope That I have found myself a grand hiding place Hidden inside the walls of this slaughter house I tend to think upon as life it self A mere epiphany A foregone conclusion I have come to in regards in my personal hell

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With my attempts to fit in The finer scheme of things This be the mask to which I alone, created The one I will wear for all eternity Escaping the darkness That made me one of life's many perplexities

MAGICIANS AT PLAY A magical moment A mystical embrace From the slashing of hope Interwoven in blood coated lace Curdled My dreams have slowly soured Feelings of helplessness Has eagerly empowered The child from the womb The child made of flesh The child that lingers in a body Of the soul that has been Rather quickly dismissed I pray for not That I may and ought Have a life of phantasmal giving

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One that is lost has often sought Take me to another realm Some place safe Where I can grow steadily But at my own pace Where I am not But a mere image of those who prey Upon the starlets of innocence This time and age Give me a looking glass Upon a doorway through windows pane And I will fall gladly into this Fantasy where magicians play

PAST THE REFLECTION I look beyond myself I do not quite like what I see I try to look through myself But solid mass blocks my visibility I reach out to myself Only to touch the glass This reflection of me I just cannot seem to get pass I reach inside of me And all I find is you Forever a part of me Your memory I cannot lose And when I am at my very worst I am ready to just walk away I will never end up like you I used to hear myself say

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So I peer deeper into the glass Full of might and intentions I guess I will just have to find another way Of seeing past my own reflection

PARADISE LOST She was born in a time when women Did not have children out of wedlock She was brought into a world at a time When children were seen and not heard She was born with a heart When a mothers hate was love Because any love would do She lived a life searching for something Anything, that would tell her she was ok She gave her heart and soul to anyone Who would notice her, though Not very many ever did She was given a voice But seemed to never be listened to Was she needed?

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And if so, then by who? Inside, she died a lonely woman A child lost in paradise Of anothers expectations Outside, she prayed for death For life was too painful Emptiness became her lifelong Realization

LONG ROAD It has been a long road to freedom It's been a long road to hope People sitting on the porch Discussing Religion Not long ago Blacks and women could not even vote Wars seemed to break out everywhere For some of the little things Still unknown People would set themselves on fire Rather than give up their homes Children starving Watching as their food goes to militants Who slaughtered and dumped them into massive graves A race still long angry with the white man For once owning slaves

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We still fain penitence Live among resistance On our shoulders lies a huge chip Medicare won't even pay to replace a broken hip Seems we are still traveling that long road Forced to protect all that we own The government over taxing our homes From the looks of things We still have such a long ways to go

WHAT DO I DO NOW? I sit here, and I wonder What do I do now? Our friendship was swift And we could feed off of each others energy Almost if we were born actual sisters I have been alone my whole life Then I found you And I never felt more complete We met writing poetry on forums And our lives were so eerily similiar The mere utter of words written within our writes, made those on the internet shudder There were many who were jealous of our Closeness, how quickly you and I bonded You were there for me, just by needing me My words of comfort

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Though I wish I could have done so much more Because now, you are gone And I need you, now More than ever Just as quickly as we met You were taken from this world And now I am lost again I miss you so much I try to listen to my inner voices Hoping to hear yours Sometimes, I even believe that I do And for a moment, I smile ..Just before I break down in tears I feel betrayed Someone has taken you from me, from us I know now that I will never have the years Where you will be in this life Share this life with me, again I wish I could go with you I dont want to be here alone You gave me reasons to fight this insanity This depression Because you were here Then I could hear your voice from miles away Or read your words I only hope that you will come back for me ..And not forget me Because this truly hurts Please, dont ever forget me? I am on my knees pleading What am I to do now?

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HELP ME PLEASE FOR I HAVE GONE MAD MUHAHAHA

LEARNING TO BREATHE This focus on my pain Has brought me down Learning to hope In a world that goes around Finding you again Is my one chance to dream Hearing your laughter In a place of screams Hollow is my voice Shallow are my thoughts Empty is my heart From the loss of the love You once brought Now I have to start over To a place of me A place without you How can this be?

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So once again I turn turmoil to smiles Breaking hearts and forgiveness Intertwined all the while Take the good with the bad Even though it hurts Leaving behind regrets Synchronize my tears in concert Of all that I am Learning to love Learning to live Learning to be In the life given to me In this isolation of sweet surrender Where freedom to make choices Does not always make one free But, because of you I am finding myself, once again Learning how to breathe

WINDOW SILL I sit here under the window sill Staring through the glass pane Beyond the trees I gaze upon the stars Where memories of you eternally stains I feel the heat of betrayal within Tears jerk from eyes in symphonic sounds Remembrance of your touch burns the skin In anger my heart rapidly pounds You have done nothing wrong

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For it was destiny that you should leave Except engage your angels in song And fly away upon their wings Still the image of you burns my heart Agony scourges and clouds the mind I allowed your love in and now I am torn apart I sit under this window sill never leaving you behind

THE BLOOD OF MY TEARS Crying in the dark of night Hiding the tears within the shadows Stifling any sounds, so you will not hear I am afraid of your pity I barely breathe As the wetness slides down my cheeks Like torrents of a harsh rain Crawling inside of me Making my heartache its home That is what I feel When you ask me what's wrong Because I know your concerns will be short lived When I can not tell you why I feel this way My weakness shows, hard and long I am wrought with pain And I can smell it, taste it Breathe in its stench As it takes its bite out of me

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Chewing up all that was once good But then I question, was I ever good? This scapegoat, may never know the answer So I lay there Longing for you to turn And wipe away my tears, but you never do Because I am too afraid to disturb you Too afraid to ask I am vulnerable and weak I do stupid things Like believe that love could be mine From a stranger who shows the slightest interest Rejection searches my heart for its keep I am desperate in everything I do But to believe in your love for me Because I know one day you will leave And I will be all alone again I cannot lose anymore of the ones I love Because it is bound that I will out live them Craving attention like a school girl So it will not hurt when God takes you away Yes, I am afraid... Everyone has been taken from me And even in my frail state I know that He will not be happy Until I drown in my own loneliness I wish you would sense my pain Roll over and hold me now Not ask me what is wrong But to just be there for me Without rhyme or reason Just to know I am not as empty As I feel now Crying sorrowfully, silently Just to know It is okay to be me Abandoned in this love I can not see

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INTO THE SNAKES DEN By the birth of me... I have fallen into this snakes den We call Life The Recriprocated Python takes its hold Squeezing and choking me As this putrid stench causes the world Around me to collapse I remain stuck in the masses Of everything that is wrong Gasping for air as I am suddenly released Moments blur Time weaves its viscous net As I fall to the ground Stunned, briefly Consumed in the shadows of night I am soaked into the death of...being

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I, and only I... who's existence fades Cleansed in the filth Of this rejuvenating python bath Suddenly the coils of this serpent Springs back to life Devouring my essence Complacent; I succumb Faltering once more I am eaten alive in the mere belief ...Of my own mortality Yet, somehow I live on Alive in the presence of death, daily For death has become...me I suck in my last breath ... hard Realization hits me As I fade into this eternal dark abyss In its finality... I am overcome 'd

TIME CAPSULE Time, release the harlots of scorn Breaking those who already mourn Tearing down the inner self A world made up of heaven and hell Comes off as a reality cruel Love is for those who refuse to lose Those of us left without Life fills our head with amazing doubt Go a little farther on this road you travel on Fix mistakes you felt were not wrong The only choice we are left with Clean our inner selves fulfilling a death wish

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Nothing wrong but your impending doom Worship many gods under the moon Heart string pulled tighter and tighter To dare leave this world a vicious fighter Time release a capsule is formed Deforming the heart, stillborn Release the harlots you suffer not As you lay in your own decaying rot

ASHES, ASHES, WE ALL FALL DOWN I have been stuck in what feels like The redundancy of life, my life Longing to wake up soon, or sleep eternal I have often wished for the latter Plagued with pain, many have never felt Mine alone It would seem without a doubt Awaiting the moment when nothing mattered But to replace this broken child An injured soul, incomplete I wait with you Waiting for answers that never come One thing to complete this round One solution to the cause Of blah, blah, blahs As I hurried with a somewhat steady hope I am almost there, I can feel it

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Any day now Any time soon As disappointment brings me down Shuts me away from the world Only to see I am stuck in the middle Locked inside myself And so I have come full circle My dreams alive once more Frightened of the prospect Of what normally comes when ...I dare to believe But I do believe So much so that I put my heart Yet again, at risk But for the now when more diagnosis Only confirm the depressing news That I will never be whole But who dares to say that a percentage Of that whole isn't enough To enlighten at least a small amount of effort? As painful as it is most of the time I await, sit here in passing Waiting, waiting Inspired with such intensity That I fall into the ashes Falling, waiting, falling, fighting ...Anticipating I will not go down Not without a valiant fight Not without a good reason And if I stand now, before you and weep Does it not make for a cause to claim me weak? This is my life In its most unfortunate state Mine alone My life to own

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And so I will own it as best I can Waiting to be whole Waiting to be real ...Just waiting

BREEDING GROUNDS I am terrorized by the mere thinking The mere believing in that I am okay The dark, desolate beating heart is mine Surrounded by the prevalent sounds of time Tick tock, tick tock So does my heart beat to the rhythm of uxorious cries As I lay here almost dead Fear pounding within my head I am rocked to sleep Almost; by the sounds of a sweet lullaby That takes heed to my present state of mind I long to say the words ...Goodbye I realize and answer My worst fears collide In happiness, friend or foe These things I may never know Awkward moments, the many I share

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Proven to Great Spirit will I dare Beat on the same drum as He Disconcerted in the endlessness of uncertainty If I have come this far How much further will fate dare to push? Before my eyes, an image is crying Mine alone, not worth the effort of trying I am branded from the conception The birth, and these horrible lifelong years Ready to embrace and conquer What now, forever leaves me in tears Tears I do not cry, outside of myself Has with each flowing moment Melts my heart with each beat Dare myself beyond all possibilities That I scream at the top of my silent lungs This be the inner self that haunts His desire of me strong Will I have it prove me wrong? It does not take a genius to figure out That I am critically flawed An inner peace permanently defeated My heart slashed and torn from that, is unseen For all the years I fought an unknown battle Only to fail for whatever greater presence My heart does so beat to a beat of its own Forever and ever leaving me earth bound

BABY, BABY, BABY I hear your laughter

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It does not taunt Your smile releases me From those things that haunt Your caresses feel soft as silk Against my baby smooth skin Your hot breath caters to my needs Over again and again I just needed to tell you that

1THIS MONSTER WITHIN I can feel this monster chasing me I search for a shield One to wield against this predator But it only seems to bringing it closer to me I close my eyes tight I scream till there is no sound I think I have been let free Only to find myself held down Robbing me of any small amount of ...Innocence Help me, please I whisper from weakened lungs Unable to gasp for air Then it lets go Teasing my senses For whatever fate wants of me There is no room for mistakes

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Seems I make a lot of them at late Robbing me of any small amount of ...Self-worth What do I do? Where do I go? Give to me a fillet knife So I may cut myself out of my skin Where have I been? Where am I headed? Stunted by rejection The purity of abandonment This grand misunderstanding of ...Who I am This monster within ...Forever catching up with me Oh God, please set me free of ...This creature who keeps beckoning me Beckoning me to be Something I know I am not

GHOST POETRY Gun metal obsession Fueled by depression Lingering thoughts of suicide Penned by a bullet filled with death pride He never let his real feelings show How were we to ever know?

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Did I fail him somehow While he was still alive? Because I could not read him Did I let him die?

JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE I said good-bye to you last night But not my pain I will forever fear of getting close That something like this might happen again I have written my feelings down In so many words Shared with complete strangers The most heinous causes for my hurt I do not even know why I am writing this now This is beyond my ability to understand Your frightened realization turned peaceful How easy it looked to just kill a man Oh, God... I was a part of this, can you forgive me? For what I had mistaken for my sense of duty No longer exists I never quite felt this small before

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So pathetic despite my justified reasons To see justice done in the worse way I gave way to something for which I can never make amends As it only served to prove one thing Irregardless of a 'death sentence passed No one has the right to take the life of another Human Being This grotesque un-cleanliness in me Can never again be masked!

THE SEDUCTION Oh the tingle in between my thighs I watch your member rise and fall Just to be teased again Taking pleasure in this mutual sin The lurking of your tongue As it desperately searches mine Eagerly my legs drop as goose pimples Run down and all along my spine Tenderness is your touch, sensual Curving over and around my breasts Your tongue slithering down between them To the fleshy floor of my mound Urgently pleading as it searches the nest As you play, my hips go thrusting up ever so high The sounds of my throaty moans running deep I reach down and grasp sheer muscle Surging with raw heat

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Our bodies as one as we move in perfect rhythm Our cries filling the walls Better than any ultimate surround sound system Neighbors secretly dreaming of playing a part While they secretly masturbate in the dark In the heat of this moment passions soar Our love for each other Makes the climax worth so much more So many dynamics I ache to explore I do not want this to end Doing with you, all these naughty things I've been a bad girl, make me scream Our love, our lust Better than any erotic wet dream!

YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED! They have rescheduled your execution Midnight, August 18 That is the day you will have to answer For all of your terrible deeds They will walk you down this long corridor But not before you are given your last rights Not before you have eaten your chosen supper Not before you slept your last peaceful night They will parade you before this window You will get to see the last of your victims Perhaps they feel it is vindication on your soul But you and I, we know better than this I do not know how I can be there To watch you die I am still struggling with the idea of forgiveness God knows how hard I have tried It does not bring me pleasure to see you go

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Now, to have my children back That would be the greatest pleasure to know But all I have is the memory of your cruel attack You are getting off easy, way too easy This is something you should know Because if they would just hand you over to me Then, there would be no rest for either of our souls No, I think it is better this way More humane, that you die in sweet slumber But I hope you are sweating bullets each day Now that your days are numbered!

LOCKED BOUNDARIES I am nothing short of Being this walking, talking, ball of confusion I utter words that others claim to understand Then do nothing to help implement a plan Toward agreeable changes Until it is too late It almost seems redundant and of no use To come to me for advice When the only thing that comes from it Is my feeling taken advantage of Feeling rejected once more Again wishing to end my own life I was never taught these simple basics In how to accept and deal with rejection But I was thrown into it Leaving in me this big hole Labeled in stench and Dejection

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In a lot of ways I truly do not know the differences Between right and wrong I have been searching life for my own identity! Mimicking what I see and hear Self destruction playing its favorite song So does that mean I do not exist? Though I have established great morals to live by I want to pound in this ugly face Then chew off, these naughty little fists I want to scream at the world Just to find the ones who are to blame for all of this For leaving me to your eternal punishment For leaving me out here to fend for myself For force-feeding me advice you will never use, alone For creating in me this walking confusion For turning me into your personal martyr I am the wrong centered in your shame Otherwise Who do I turn to that will not want to give up on me? For I do not trust myself, either Walking around in so much pain Jumping at everything with deep paranoia I do not wish to be this woman Anymore Who is constantly bordering on Having a good and generous heart To being forever bound to my reality Nor this dark possibility Of becoming criminally insane Am I the only one? How truly and unmistakably fallible I must be

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ALMOST PERFECT There is something about it I cannot quite explain The devastation, the sorrow, the turmoil The heartache and the shame How it simmers and begins to dissipate To the point, life begins to look and feel better Until it blindly reaches its boiling point And quickly swipes that temporary smile Right off your face The following moment, or nearest daybreak I pick myself up, embrace yesterday's pain Embrace this notion that all is right with the world Replacing this momentary relapse of surreal strain It is almost beautiful It can almost be heard The hurt is almost perfect Too perfect for words

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I try to say it, to feel it, write it, convey it Through written word or speech Spelled out in the syllables of extreme pain Bound by the very heartache of those My tones fail to reach This damning sensation It rips my world apart It bleeds me from the inside Deeply embedding the scars upon my heart It's almost beautiful It can almost be heard The hurt is almost perfect Too perfect for words I feel like I am breaking up inside Like a favorite CD skipping The one with the best lyrics written upon it The one you play over again and again That tugs at your every heart-string as you listen The words and the melody, harsh, moderate or still Reaches inside you And shreds every ounce of your being We give gladly to this haunting That somehow pleases our wills It's almost beautiful It can almost be heard The hurt is almost perfect Too perfect for words Nothing is perfect Nothing is certain of this life except death What does that mean to this person Who is only able to smile briefly in the moment? Nothing more, nothing less I suck in the sorrow Swallow whole this empty Unending pain Bury a strained smile Caught in my last breath

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It's almost beautiful It can almost be heard The hurt is almost perfect Too perfect for words I bury this smile Caught in my last breath As the hurt transcends beyond Almost perfect Too perfect for words You can almost touch it The hurt's almost beyond perfection Too perfect for words To ever be heard

MY REALITY I hide myself within your name I cry inside of your screams You dance upon the night sky I can see myself in your eyes Tears streaming down As you grasp the reality I am the lost soul You have been searching for Together I am released In this dark hole, I am nothing Not even a fleeting memory Non-existent I slowly disappear Weeping for what never came to be I see you through tear stained eyes No longer do I see me

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You are your own heart now I remain bottled up Slipping into tomorrow Without any certainty The shades pulled close to my heart Living without reason, wasting away Your only reactions are to What lies on the surface Too many questions Not enough answers Same old crap Different day I mean How do I stop me from Losing you? If I cannot stop me from Losing myself? This pain still lingers As I hide myself from your face Dying inside little by little Refusing to succumb to this unknown fate

WAVERING
Wavering is the love inside As you again leave me behind I try as hard as I might To stay in this lonesome fight

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It is hard to fight for that which is not here I only hope you can hear my cries, my dear Before my time runs out In agony I cry and shout That in loneliness, I shall die For I am heart broken Without you by my side

LISTEN, AND YOU WILL HEAR HER SCREAM I will gladly drown in your sorrow Drink of the darkness within Let the blood of creativity curl my lips As I savor the sweet surrender of my muses whims To explore the caverns of these sensual hearts of night As my imaginings takes to glorious flight All the shadows that would otherwise, rob my sight Foreseeing endurance with all my might There is a method to this madness I implore you to listen For deafness will fall upon your soul As my insatiable concubine searches its fold Beneath the song of words I do write Holds the fierce emotions of one damned in nightfall But I am only the gleam upon the whisperings Of ghouls and damsels, but are one and alike

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She is the serpent held angelic at arms length Spewed upon with such great hate And there she stands with so much love in her heart Holding close this child within, sitting alone in the dark She comes alive with each letter Each word, each verse Her heart is unrehearsed As so is my every thought Behind the tears you dare not see fall This is where I come in The voice of one who is silent Hidden in the shadows Just waiting for discovery In the pain this one does sing A mere child, a woman yet to be I embrace my muse Just as she has embraced me But no... There is more to this riddle of life In the bowels of needy yearnings Bound to a world filled with strife I long for the beauty she seems penitent To recite in my heart Day after day Bringing me a little closer to heaven I yearn for her wings to bring me upward Amidst this sadness, she brings me light In the heart of this dank and cold world And find myself ending this piece To her ears As her thoughts are written in my heart I share thee But with very few And often unspoken words Written in the soul's tongue For my delicate, but mad muse

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We are one and the same Blameless and yet blamed Loved, and unknowingly so As I and my muse go this madness ...Alone

IN VITRO Lost in this desert Of broken dreams and hearts Hope has gone awry I spy along a foothill, menacing ants Gorging their way upon battered flesh Tears glisten in the corner of my ...Displaced sight Filled with tragic love's gone amiss The Sun above smiles its scorching grin Upon my blood soaked lips Feeling parched I embrace tears of destruction That spell out my name I have touched pain, once more Feeble minded, half truths, spill from words Not yet spoken

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For no words can be formed here No cries from this babe Can yet be heard I am safe for the moment in this dark Warm silence Of mother's nurturing womb An evil quiet brews I am creation My past lives, past deeds Temporarily forgotten The hell I am about to re-enter Momentarily dismissed I journeyed through this Left-door In vitro To get it right this time, hah! For this evil one Tolerance maintains My ignorance is bliss The hurt of this world, my reward Throughout this new lifetime Is mine for the taking! The beginnings of the hell I will savor Begins this torturous journey Through tight birth canals and bloody thighs Tears of raw hatred burns my eyes I hear no screams Outside of my own as I gasp my first breaths Smiling, my facade, an innocent babe Cooing, as I peer into mother's lifeless eyes To my delight, I am damned to damn again To wreak havoc upon These unfortunate and unsuspecting souls I...am born again! Time is on my side Immortally eternal, my spirit can not die Left-door

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My infernal tool to torment Back to being bent In vitro No warning to you! This dark soul forever reaps his descent

SWEET SORROW, YOUR SONGS MEAN NOTHING Oh how pain does make me crawl within myself As I cry in front of no one else Too many years, this hurt can not be erased Leaving me longing to be in some other time and place All but fear has its reigning days As I stare fear back in its own ugly face I battle with danger like a new found toy Overcoming from it almost brings me joy That I fail to recognize the signals And rapidly I begin to stumble Never able to get a firm grasp On the thing in life that should have lasted Why am I so different? The answers I long to know Burned into myself this tower of souls For if not happiness doth I bestow Sworn into this life that I can not tow

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Nor straighten out without just a little help As my identity begins to melt With every living and now dying breath Can someone recognize me as I now embrace death Life should be for those that can handle the lies As my body surfaces through the tides Of sorrow and quenching agony thus toil on me Great pain I am one of many who could never quite handle The strain I do not opt to follow on behalf of personal gain As I peer inward to witness my heart, and the stain That covers me from head to toe Feeling a little unsteady As I whisper, yes Great Spirit, I am ready Please, please in this water of life that stands shallow Please, please, Great Spirit let me go Swipe this slate clean of any burden As the decay of me begins to harden As love takes a back seat to watch what follows I lay here instinctively hollowed The core of me does so break down As the message screams clearly I can not hold my ground Tumbling and stumbling like an idiot's call Down this cliff of hate and anger I do fall Memories, ugly awful memories scream inside my head And all I could think to say is Hurry, hurry Great Spirit, render me not alive, but dead And that was all that was said Now swimming with the fishes, instead I sacrifice nothing if to be kissed by death Swarms of insects, bide my time as they falter No longer bothered by these poisonous spiders That at one time Forever crawled around inside my head

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I crawl through life hanging by but a single thread Do not let these be for nothing all that I have lost Burning into me The life I suffered through will not be gone Will not stop its terror no matter how loud I scream No matter how hard I try, I cannot escape me

IN THESE MOMENTS In these moments of revelations In these moments of broken hearts I fall away from loves temptation I fall into the fear of being alone In these moments of pure frustrations I wallow in the self of something dark That I would meet my mysterious lover Then have my life fall completely apart I cannot imagine my always being alone This feeling always breaks my heart Here you try to love me Here, I do not even know where to start Your love for me, undying I struggle for these good things at hand Born with hurt pinned to me Love is something I just dont understand

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I falter, waiting for you to pick me up Dusting off the self, void of hope I hold on tight so I may learn Of the heart inspired love I yearn In disarray, I fall away sometimes As you comfort me from this unknown Hold me in the moments when I just need to cry Sometimes falling in the cadence of stone I long for the moment to be kissed by you To be swallowed whole in your arms I long for moment when I will be taken in by your charms Smile and laughter, an everyday thing To be wanted, you embrace me in your need To love me always, to love me still Where my heart finally knows its fill In these moments of separations In these moments, I feel so alone I hear your voice, and the words I love you These are the moments I cannot wait until you come home When the loneliness gets to be too much to bear I wrap myself around a pillow and imagine you there Though it still seems I remain heart broken I remember your undying love you unconditionally share

REFLECTION Say you will stay STAY WITH ME ALWAYS Say you will not leave

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SAY YOU WILL REMAIN WITH ME SAY YOU MUST GO Say you will leave me alone YOU HAVE HURT ME TOO MUCH ALREADY Go before I become more unsteady JUST LEAVE ALREADY, Will you

MY FRIEND II Black birds, feast upon me Rip and tear my flesh apart Gouge my eyes out, As you begin to peck at my heart Who the hell are you? The one who says I have no rights? You are nothing but a heartless Pathological criminal Stealing my soul in the middle of the night My heart is still pumping I begin to question what is to become of me? I am locked in the bondage of your presence Am I ever to be set free? Butterflies create a halo around my head In my dreams, I am whole once again Here you are lying beside me in agony Now they feast upon you

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My friend!

EAT THE BULLET Eat the bullet Swallow the gun You believe your life is done But how would you know? This is the first time for you You were hand fed with a silver spoon So she ran out on you, who really cares? You know deep down, you are better than that Why waste your time contemplating getting her back? Why are you screaming at me? I am just trying to help Afterall I should know, I have lived a full life in hell If you really want to do this Do not expect me to watch This action of yours is not worth the cost

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I am telling you as a friend Who has crossed over on each of my attempts You have not given it much time to play out your end Ok then, swallow the gun. Eat the bullet Just realize all those you will be hurting If and when you decide to do it I know you are not thinking of the consequences You only want to rid yourself of the pain I have been there before myself, this is a big mistake My life is not great either, I want to go home too Please dont give that bitch what she wants Dont go out dying the fool

DO YOU KNOW? Why are there Psychiatrists? Psychologists? Psychotherapists? Mental Health Analysts? All scientists ...If you ask me No one knows and everyone knows Everything! Can you explain it to me? ...Emotions, I mean? Where do they derive from? What is Depression? Schizophrenia? Borderline Personality Disorder? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Mental diseases ...I understand that How do you know this? Through behavioral patterns?

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Thought Process'? Mood swings? But they are not Character flaws ...Are they? You have pills galore For everything under the sun Am I to understand correctly? There is no cure for me these things You say I suffer from? Yet you tell me that I should find a will to live After concluding I am very sick. Why? Isnt that just a little redundant? After all, we both know I will have to take pills for the rest of my life That I will get worst as years go by You only hope these drugs will ease my symptoms And with time, my pain might subside My medications will have to be changed Over periods of time You will have to monitor the dosage Increase, decrease, until it is just right But you don't have a clue, do you? For all your PhDs are worth? You can't give me something that will truly work? Because if you did You would know how to rid me of this hurt Of this film that covers me And be able to answer why I can never seem to be able to Wash away all of life's embedded dirt

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DAMNED How dare you mention my name Dragon flies are not so dainty things You wisp your ugliness through my veins A harlot, a whore, the trembling you bring A child, a scapegoat I dream of slashing your throat Drive the blade through your lying mouth As I cut your blistering tongue out You are the epitome of displaced sorrow If not for the luck of God I would see no tomorrow You who claims love for me is sad to say the least You would have me for dead, for your hate you unleash Pitiful child cries mommy please still love me Place these ugly scars inside so no one will see You raise your hand with the quickness of anger Never caring about not one inkling of danger

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The dirty filthy mind, your disease Courses through the very embodiment of me I cannot scrape away enough flesh to make me clean You erroneous bitch, stay the hell away from me!

TWO SOULS REBORN I want to hold you now And kiss your lovely face I want to hold you tight And feel lost in your embrace I want to get to know you more And all the dreams youve chased I want you to hold me tight And get lost in my embrace Too many times we have faltered Misstep our intentions For each other and ourselves But together joined our hearts Forever we are as one To separate to be alone You touched the very soul of me In love we have begun

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But now we say goodbye No more crossing each others paths You and I I hold in my heart pieces of you Those pieces meant to forever last And never die. Sometimes things are meant to be But your love I cannot release This deep urging part of me When we lived our lives so free I remember your smiles And how they seemed to protect me From the hurt that reigned inside I realize you were preparing for me A second chance to love, I cannot do this alone Hearts ripping apart shattering in this unknown You made me strong You brought about the deeper part of me Cascading beyond the surface Turning my fears into stone I want to hold you now And kiss your lovely face I want to hold you tight And feel lost in your embrace I want to get to know you more And all the dreams youve chased I want you to hold me tight And get lost in my embrace I will not let you go I cannot lose you now This love awakened in me I will not say goodbye I want to hold you now And kiss your lovely face I want to hold you tight

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And feel lost in your embrace I want to get to know you more And all the dreams youve chased I want you to hold me tight This love neither of us can replace

--- WITHOUT --Summer's night rain Tears drip down the window pane As I wipe the wetness from my eyes Now that you are gone I crumble with a familiar song As my heart slowly begins to die I stumble into an empty house I lay in an empty bed Trying to figure out what is going on But none of this makes any sense Destruction begins to settle in Knowing I am without your love --- Without your love --Who will I smile for now? What happens if I need you, somehow? Crushed without the feel of your touch

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Are you crying over me? Or am I just lost in that dream? Is this hurting you too much? --- Without your love --No more feel of your warm touch No one to gently swipe away my tears No one to say Everything will be alright No one left to share my remaining years No one to embrace silliness with No one to argue with No one to apologize to Just the memories of living... ---Without you---

SCREAMING UNDER WATER Life has taken its toll finally I break into thousands of pieces of sorrow Swept up into the hairline Drenching my brow as it seeps back down Water in my lungs A piercing hum sounding off in my head Am I dead? No, but sometimes I wish I were Screaming under water Aqualung of life The many deaths as I have survived It is no wonder poeple see a cat When they look into my eyes People think I have nine lives And if that is so, I have two more to go But I do not wish to hurt anyone I might prove bitter but I will not leave you to be alone

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I will not let you see this love of mine turn that cold I will take life for what it is, nice and slow Screaming under water, laughing under glass This torment is real though, very real Now for the moment, my pain has passed My life hanging by a thread is addictive I fall to the bottom, oh so surreal Temporarily I am no longer inflicted Awaiting to be embraced into the fold Of your arms again Just hold me one more time, please ...And then

PORCELAIN UNDER GLASS Seems that I fall into various roles Many different times The mother, father, close friend Enemy to those who do not have a clue As to where I have been Sister, bar buddy, survivor, victim That last one I play too well This I play to the hilt Then I wilt Sufferer of sorrow, plagued by the mere aspect There will be a tomorrow Oh how I wish I was wrong All of you mistaken my strength and generosity For weakness to manipulate You do not even know what the hell you are doing I play truth, aggitation, frustration, dominance Someone who is always right

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God, how I hate being right, so do you, but here you are Dumping too much responsibility on my shoulders Cant you handle your own problems? Why yell at me for not doing it your way The wrong way or for being forgetful? I play anger, hate, resentment I even play volume control As we are screaming at each other I cannot take this crap for much longer Dead is the role I want to play, but until then I will just make pretty, the scars upon my skin Until you hurt me again When you leave for work and are gone for the week That is when I will show you who the hell is weak!

SUMMER TIME Summer time and I feel so easy Walking away so slowly feeling so alone In another direction you go Time moving in slow motion The tears I cry Fly away with any hope I might have had To be loved instead of left To be whole instead of half Half of me, a small part of you Clinging to my heart Wrenched from my hands Dying to understand What purpose? What excuse? What me do I have left to lose? Summer time and I feel so betrayed My heart always leading me astray

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Frantic now as summers go A quick fling, now I am on my own Summer time, in a puff of smoke Clinging to lies leaving me to choke Off some small part of me, life giving Surrounded in the stench of the living Small parts stacking on one another Making the pain huge without rhyme or reason Swallowing my own hearts treason I am falling into myself, losing myself Evaporating with the seasons Summer time, what did I ever do to you?

INCIDENTAL CHAOS If it is true that our eyes are the windows to the soul Then why cant my abusers see it is taken its toll? I hide the pain, but not that well People notice But in fear they let me continue to live in hell I am a child no more, is what they say Yet, treat me like one Because who knows what they are thinking I just want to go home. To the other side Where nothing is broken, nor need of a place to hide Where I can be myself, who ever that is Please God have mercy on me Send to me the kiss of death Do not let me see tomorrow, if I should sleep at all Let me dose off peacefully when the angels call Let me be that child again, only without all the hurt

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Let me laugh and love one time, and rid me of lifes dirt Then bury me in the ocean and call upon my name Where I will forever be freed of my shame Show everyone just how peaceful I can be Then let my ashes be swallowed up by the sea And I will look down, with my arm around my angels Kissing them sweetly and whispering Great stories to tell The ones I never got to recite The lovely faces lost in dreams God take me from this place And provide me with my needs So I may embrace my little ones For no one here understands How the windows to my soul was long ago Ripped straight from my own hands

JUST PASSING THROUGH Meeting you was not unlike a hurricane Just passing through And now that you are gone I want to disappear too I want you know my love for you If you can see the sky If you can smell the flowers in bloom Then I know you can hear me As I lay here missing you Like a faded memory Or a picture torn in two I would give everything If I could be with you My dearest friend The only true one I ever had I know you and I hurt the same

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And now your death has ache me with great sadness Overwhelming confusion and emotions Overwhelming pain straight to my heart You just passed me by Though now we must part I do not regret knowing you But it pains me that you should leave That my pain is so great That I never got a chance to say goodbye It broke my heart, to realize this truth Because I desperately need you now What will I do without you? It is hard to accept But, you were just passing through

EYE OF THE SPECTRUM I am not what you think me to be I simply do not see what you expect me to see I am not as strong as the weaknesses I bear I cannot ignore what I do not hear I am alive, but only in my dreams Falling upon deaf ears are my silent screams Lacking the talent of feeling human Scourged by the mask of what it means to be different Desperately searching for my safe place Longing for an escape from this placid look on your face What is wrong with her? I hear you ask yourself What is wrong with me? I ponder, still living out my own personal hell

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I cannot find love, hope, desire As you do around every turn Scarred forever are your comments as they burn Burning into me deeply, with complete uncertainty Of whom I thought I was, and what it means to be me As I continue to search, analyze and search some more Asking of myself the very questions You had asked before Regressing back to my childhood Too many times to keep score Rocking, praying, crying, Great Spirit not again Please No more

BREATHE YOUR LIFE BACK INTO ME Imagine strength as you never knew of it before Imagine pain crawling outside of your heart Imagine no bounty for the weak Imagine no more laughter in the one you seek Smiles are erased in your panic Your weakness causes great havoc The one you desired lies dead at your feet To bring her back to life, you feel the heaviness of defeat Imagine one last kiss good bye Imagine the warmth of it before she died In your arms, within your mercy she cried Inhale the last pure breath of her life In solace, she watches over you amidst the sky

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Exhausted in your failed strength you cry You open her belly seeing what she had not expose to you before. A tiny reminder of passion, her love for you, no more Limp is the child you both thought would never be In its lifeless state it cries out in silence Now, please Breathe her life back into me

MASTER OF THINGS I can see the sunset, the beauty that is not skin deep The heart she keeps protected from all The way she has with words so as to not desecrate another The tears she cries night after lonely night I can see the scars from the scratches She makes on her pretty skin Not ashamed of those scars she leaves on her face Only the haunting heartaches That caused her to do such a thing I know of the torment she feels inside Behind the walls built for her She will never hide herself away from the world Though she will take you there With all of your hurtful ways Make you read all about yourself Page after page Do you not care who you hurt?

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I long to see her laughing When those hurtful feelings begins to fade To see a smile on that pretty face when she loves you If only you would let her Master of things Her perfection is in the ways she falters An innocent of all things that matters This is the road she travels on lonely terrain

HOLLOWED I feel myself wasting away just sitting here Thinking of nothing really Yet my heart feels heavy My soul feels numb In my attempts to figure this all out I am lonely, I feel hollow I feel small amidst these white walls I feel vulnerable I feel ashamed, and the funny thing is I do not even know why I pull myself inward amongst the calling Of the bruised spirit within Laden with marks of injustice Futile and omnivorous I stake a claim on the dying The dead or the soon to be Not me, never me

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Though a close call once or twice It is this sinking feeling that makes me ill Swallowing back this urge to vomit I feel helpless I feel sick I feel tired The most sickening realism is that I am vulnerable I am in some cases weak Stuck in being needy The reality of it all is I feel just like me

UNWITTING HEIR I feel defiled in the birth of me Breathing in noxious fumes of carbon rich exhaust Nightmares my destiny, as I try not to follow the paths Of my parents mistakes This be the beginning of all my heartaches Never learning how to resolve my own problems Too busy trying to resolve theirs Too busy running from their nightmares How are lessons to be learned If by making my own mistakes Disgraces the ones before me That they should disgrace me By shoving down my throat, their futility? In twilight, my eyes shift to cagey walls Where shadows appear dark, dank and cold So very cold, brooding, ominous I run from the fear and the fearful

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This is me, this be the legacy they leave their only heir The one that could never be Who I was really meant to be A mere shadow of broken dreams, theirs not mine That would be too much to ask for Becoming less and less and nothing more Unwitting is this heir to a poor mans throne Each true meaning hidden under an invisible stone The sacred interpretation of self and certainty Forever remains carved in the unknown

DARLING PLEASE My little darling please Break my heart into pieces Remind me of all that I hate To be reminded of all my mistakes Show you love me, beat me down Until this rage inside breaks Either you or me Whomever is the first to hit the ground Continue telling me I am nothing I do not believe I have heard it enough I do not quite think my skin is yet thick Nor my back bone tough Please darling be careful I would not want you to fall In the same manner as I When I fail to heed the call

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You are callous Even in your choice of friends How do I compete with that? As I hide the eye made black Darling please Find another scapegoat I have tired of your pathetic ways I do just find as a simpleton I regard myself a little higher than you Though your words still stick I outgrew my small self And now realize your so called love for me Is nothing but a load of shit!

JUST ANOTHER STATISTIC You should consider yourself lucky I could have selected you This pretty thing, this vulnerable one But you cry Why? Because I did not torture you? Because I did not beat you? Rape you? Oh, in your innocence I did more A lot more than even you care to realize You are my pretty thing My victim in one degree or another You could not bear to hear them scream Do you wish to join them? Do you wish I taint you with my seed? Electrocute you and make you bleed? Yes, I devoured your innocence As I forced you to see

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To watch this handyman at work As I carve away their flesh And now you the precious one Urge me, no beg me to stay Are you afraid of me going away? That I might just come back to you, to do the same? No worries child, I have kept you safe I raped your mind, and instilled a hate So deep that you will do as I say You will do my bidding one day My poor, poor little Jane, my poor precocious one I have paved a way for another serial killer You will some day chase this nightmare You so eagerly run away from, just you wait and see You have helped me to pick up my load These dire troubling girls, how nave they could be I shall return you home now, you sniveling child For one day, one day soon, you will be just like me

IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE You stroll right past me As I suck in another breath My last for now I am on a mission The one that precludes Your ever fading presence Concluding to the fact That you even existed Or just some, fancy dream Allowing me to be Inside of you A single part of two

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I am not wasting away my resources Trying to prove a love all mine You bend down to give me a kiss My name, a whisper upon your sweet lips You cradle my head In your warm gentle hands Only to find my eyes now wide open Swimming in a dream that will not let me be As I continue to swim in the twilight zone Searching that one time alone Where you will lay here next to me Loving me, sweet eternity

CORROSION I am the epitome of corrosion in the making I lay awake to feel my heart steadily breaking I envision myself as I run around this world stark naked Then open my eyes Look down and see that I am fully clothed The acidity of life has eaten away at me Flesh and bone I sit at this table with my family Only to be made aware that I have no home Slinging hurt, call me names, raise a hand But I feel no pain Buried deep beneath your glorified shame Then, all is gone Wretched child not yet fully grown Still have to make ends meet Out on my own Normalcy is this mask I wear

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I pray the paranoia does not reappear Be like you, and con the world on its ear? This is how I should belong? So you say I was shaped by violence Determination Mere desperation in search of a different way Aching in this burning silence Leaves me haunted to this very day Emotions blinding, in agonizing fate I am ravaged Reeling throughout this troubled mind The concept that I am just mere emotional baggage One carries throughout their lives To concede that my life was finished The day it were to begin Left my perceptions degraded and distorted Flogged with the failure of my own impending end Doomed and be damned, stuck to me Time and again, like old battery acid Eternally corroded, reality to me Disproportioned The taste life leaves is rancid Nothing is set in stone Created in me This beast In warped delusions all my own I lay disembodied from erosion A tiny strand of life I walk this vicious cycle Alone

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EXHAUSTED

As I survey the room with unseeing eyes Unfeeling heart Unhearing ears I am totally numb, unaware of the world Of my surroundings Of anybody else Exhausted

THE QUICKENING I awaken to all this glory To all these things before me Funny that on many occasions I have missed all of this Mother Earth is singing her praises A strong wind forces me to gasp For the air that is life giving I am now among those living Nothing to fear As Sister Moon Bathes a kiss upon These soft lips I am no longer parched When it comes to life I have returned in the nick of time Today, depression evades me

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My soul embraces me I am whole, once again I can feel nature upon my skin Oh the beauty of it all I wonder how I could have missed this In the time of long ago Today, I hold onto that which I Am bound to reminisce

This is a picture of what an ordinary man looks like This is a picture of my rapist

TIMOTHY TURK 261 (2) RAPE BY FORCE 288 (a) LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS

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WITH CHILD UNDER 14 YEARS 288 (b) LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS WITH CHILD UNDER 14 YEARS WITH FORCE Last Known Address: CALIFORNIA CORRECTIONS FACILITY County: SAN DIEGO Zip Code: N/A Date of Birth: 01-13-1960 Sex: MALE Height: 60 Weight: 210 Eye Color: BLUE Hair Color: BROWN Ethnicity: WHITE

I HIDE MY FACE, NO MORE! I am a survivor! In my shame I bleed unto you The very chains of which you bound me with I massacre you Your trade in the mutilations of innocence I deem you cruel, bury you in the bowels of hell And all those dirty little secrets You live to show and tell Even the ones you thought were hidden well May they scrape and carve into you Scars that will never heal As my forgiveness unto you Is not, has not and never will be Up for appeals Struggle! Snort! Reign your twisted head For I can no longer hear you

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Safe within this knowledge That through the torture of you I could at one time Inhale No longer takes precedence! Once, I was your victim Once! Is all that need be said, and you? Your deeds may still linger, but it is your soul That will leave with an Eternal price on its head!

LIFE IS A BITCH Creeps like you never learn Your 1st conviction cost you a 10 year sentence You served 6. The first time your family lost 2ND CONVICTION 87 CONSECUTIVE LIFE TERMS! This time without certainty You lose! You spineless worm Bound by the laws of prison I have often heard the terrible stories that Men and women tell And hope you are now living out my hell I do not pity you, not one inkling Not one tiny bit You deserve to be where you are You deserve whatever you get

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For you did this to yourself And me? Well I am moving on Through it all, every bad thing Ive had to overcome Im the one still standing, sturdy and strong You thought you had me under Your fearsome control Sweet dreams mother ****** I hope the powers that be, breaks your soul I fought a personal death sentence But I dare not let what happened haunt me See, I have a major advantage over you I might get scared sometimes, but at least I am free

THESE TANGLES WITHIN Problems not quite resolved Locks us tight within this hull Of life among rocky waters, entangled In the loss of what truly matters But do not fret For I believe all will one day see How different and yet the same We all can be The tears I cry today Will be the salve that saves Touching on the deeper issues That will wipe the slate clean Of all that we once misused And should this prove out of reach Then only proves our job to teach To love, amidst my endless pain

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I dare not play into this game That mine might serve to remove All of the worlds undaunted shame!

CHAOS IN HARMONY A field of buttercups catches my eye How beautiful they are beneath the sky Then a storm comes and whisks them high I watch those buttercups go flying by This seems familiar to me, somehow Hard to pinpoint when but I feel it now Like meeting my prince as he takes his bow All of a sudden I feel alone in a crowd Just as when I cannot awaken from a dream No matter how hard I try or how loud I scream Too shaken to remember what I might have just seen Like a movie that breaks in the middle of the screen Funny, ha-ha, I can laugh about it someday I hope Instead of wasting my time believing I am the joke Not sure I can handle anymore, you know Waiting for my own breath to cause me to choke

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I now look back and remember How this heart of mine would often break I am apart of a life that replenishes itself From the love that can easily turn to hate Feeling helpless amidst the hope I try desperately to hang on In the midst of right and wrong As chaos and harmony continues to play Their treacherous natures song

[Attention-Deficit-Hyperactive-Disorder] Why (???) Dont they just call it what it really is? ATTENTION OVERLOAD from TOO MUCH info and NOT ENOUGH room in our SKULLS to STORE it all FALSEHOODS Thank you But, I did not ask to be analyzed That is what counseling is for Yet, I am grateful you took the time to read But please show your harsh opinions to the door My pain I deal with, my pain I share So others can deal and be aware I expose who I am deep within So that others know and feel my truth Beneath their skin My sorrow and honesty of torment I throw no blame Nor do I allow others shallow view To wrap me in artificial and Unwarranted shame

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BUTTERFLY
I sat here on the road I thought that I might die Kept fluttering its wings A monarch butterfly I thought a car might hit it On it someone might walk So I bent down to pick it up At this it did not balk Upon my hand it fluttered Just once, and flew away Oh, beautiful created life, fly! Live another day By: Silke

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SIMPLY Simply dead Empty of love Vaccous cave Crushed small dove All that was Dead and gone Stark grey future All alone

RETRIBUTION I try to ease my mind But some things are just too hard to forget I do my best to open the blinds But I linger on how I wish we never met Through the birth canal I burst through and out To a world so dank and cold My lungs first breath heaved a shout Louder than the masses Dazed and confused A mother to love me A mother who will abuse Not the glorified moment I was searching for Contrary was the severity of indifference What did you think ? That I wanted more? I just wanted you to love me What was wrong with this?

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What was wrong in me? Were you ever able to fix it? An aspect that makes me bleed Tears of disgrace by a mothers kiss Hypocrite! Lay in your own awakening Mortal bitch! Erase the coming of me Devastator! I see your lies manifest in disguise Immortal pain and suffering I just wanted you to love me But as always, was just denied Annihilator! Of all that could have been good That I think of you as gutter trash This is what I leave you to be understood Mother, please do not hate me I feel my heart still crying out Now, better off without you I have turned angelic without much doubt Despite your attempts to shut me out Despite your love being so cold I have become better than you Let that be the story of truth to be told I am not wasted I am not you The dreams I chase The things I do To erase your essence Coursing through my veins I may be of you in my existence But in this new world, it is I who reigns Disgust! You disgust me Wake up woman! Accept your need to change

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The one that is lost on love Quit being the bitter whore I was the one who lost everything I am the one who went without Nothing less and nothing more As always like before It does me no good to know you anymore

CONFUSED EXISTENCE I am a flower with unending seasons They flow through me like I am not even there Birds flying all around me in confusion Yet, nothing is in motion The clouds look down upon me, laughing As they shield me in their darkness I feel their pain as if struck by lightning Surging through me ever constantly I am afraid now, there is no shelter for me I stand here naked and alone, frozen in time My roots feel deeply rooted in agony and despair Why will it not let me go? Am I a bad seed left to grow only in suffering? Why then was I planted? Who planted me? And who will now cut me down and dig up my roots Burying me in only good memories, now That all of my petals have been plucked from me? Oh how I want them back, desperately

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This the unknown that has been taken from me Leaving only my stem to survive Swaying on the waves of a windless day I am unstable I sense that I am not going anywhere So why is my burden indifference? Why am I so strangely different from all the other flowers? Of those who are still beside me and all around me? Yet how is it that I feel exactly the same? Until their laughter begins to pour over me Drowning me in more familiar shame I know that this is not my shame As the petals and stems of life reach out to me Wrapping me in its humorous cruelty I know now I am the cause for their laughter I have become quite vulnerable I wither in their cold embrace I realize now I will never belong My tears run down me like rain A flower that has been overflowed With too much water And little or no nurturing from the sun With no support of the elements Leaving me to fend for myself But now I fear I will drown as I turn away from the disappointments Away from all I have ever known For my petals will soon have to return When the wind blows its hot breath Scattering parts of me to plant my seeds To sprout my young roots Into the roots of the most strongest tree If I dare only to dream That perhaps I will become as strong as he If Mr. Tree will have me

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My world might not have to collapse If he would only let me be May I never wear this shame again Until then I will just have to wait and see Of what will become of me In this confused existence of this lonely seed Will I finally be the me everyone will want to see? Without the ridicule, rejection or Self inflicted hostility?

FEAR BEHOLDEN There are shadows in the night Not everyone sees But I know they are there Watching me There are those who whisper Ear to ear Then there are whispers That are not meant for one to hear They scream my name Over and again Punishing me For my fathers sins The nightmares wreak havoc Upon this tiny soul A mothers wrath Still reaps her toll Bathing me in madness

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A shroud for the keeping Plagues the inner child Of dirt not for sweeping Under the rug Under the bed Is where my inner demons Are said to live But in the back of my mind They still remain Casting its shadow Of malicious intent, it stains The heart of sorrows The soul of repent These shadows and whispers Make their decent A mothers womb Closed to my cries Make no mistake Is a child, left to be denied And so the shadows linger The whispers stir In night garish murmur Torment weaves a new kind of hurt An insane contortion of thoughts Ravages the mind Leaving in its wake Scarred brutal until the end of time The battles within The battles without Becomes a halo of great suffering Wreaking of doubt A glorious symphony of tears They do fall I heed to the life Captured in the wake of its insidious call

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Naked, vulnerable, weak in the heart As monstrous as this may be Has been the glue that saved The better, but less fortunate me

IN THE FACE OF DIVERSITY Lord... Do you know me? You remember me? Do you not? Every living cell, every living organism Within this shell labeled as human Can you taste my tears? Salty and deeply felt Your ears Do they ring with the laughter I once shared? Can you feel my pain? For no one can bleed more red than me, but That is just my opinion Because if I look into my heart, my very soul I can see the path in which we walk Side by side You have taught me a lot Like how to look past my pain

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Beyond the sorrow Long enough to tell others of The upcoming roads they shall never travel Alone It has been through you That I have been able to reach people Other human beings For my words know no race, creed nor color The young and old alike, bleed for me and I am not alone Through moments of depression When all is lost in me You call upon my heart to write And for another moment I am free This is not a roller coaster ride after all, and I am not a freak I am just forgetful at times But in all of those times You were right there beside me Helping me to remember To let go To have faith I laughed today It was a beautiful sound It felt good It felt so good, in fact ..A tear was wrenched from my eye And wider became my smile That my only wish is to laugh again So thank you Lord For even in your strange ways With your unknown reasons When I let go of all this emptiness and self pity I can finally embrace my one true friend Just as you have always Embraced me!

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CRUMPLED PIECES OF PAPER

Nowhere bound Raised in hell The hell of living Cant you even tell? Succubus devours my soul I await to play my part It evades me Everything is gone I am just not that strong I cant keep on Mending this broken heart Alone

METAMORPHOSIS

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I am changing Growing Enfolding Myself upon wings Capturing Love for the first time Encompassing all that I knew before My metamorphosis is almost over On these wings I fly straight into your arms I am in love To hell with the danger Go for it all Go for broke Didnt you hear me? I said I love you SICK TO DEATH Lies, betrayal They have always been a part of my life I have tried to escape them Leave behind the bad influences To no prevail, no end It is easy to escape people And their wrong doings To an extent But it never ceases Not for someone else Who may fall prey to their whiles I have even thought of myself as Sort of an exception to the rules of life Falling short of being fatally harmed or Harming someone else My intentions were always good Always well meant But well meant intentions Are not always enough

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I have learned that the hard way Through the abuse I had suffered, and endured I did not want to expose others To those kind of pains nor disappointments I am readily disappointed on a whim Or on a moments notice, it would seem It is funny, really All that I have tried to escape My abusers, my mental illness Wanting to be normal, believing in some ways That I am, or at the very least, close to Overcoming these unfortunate draw backs But now I have to face another reality That this is something I can not escape I can not run from myself Believe me, I have tried So for all of my efforts, I am still sick, I still want to die Because living hurts too much Too many tears to be cried I have spent my life Trying to hide them from the world I hate knowing that the true deceiver in my life Is the reflection I see in the mirror every day That the only one Who has truly betrayed me the most is My own self

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BITTER MINT Winter haven cove I breathe in very short breaths Essence of the whole I turn to reminisce Blatant lies the fool Shaft bears down its grate Shaken moments gruel Instilling the stuff of self hate

THE RAMBLINGS OF A POET I put down the cup that once held some soda As I type, type and type some more Thirsty for the knowledge my mind might bestow So many thoughts whizzing inside my small head Its a wonder I dont try to crawl out of my own skin Oh and I have so much to say As the words evades me one more time My pen, the well of life Hope is beside me now As I decide to lay down for the night Maybe I will get it right this time Maybe, I will just remain asleep For the duration that it clears my mind Maybe, just maybe, the day will be just as it is now Nice and quiet But that does not quench the thirst of a hungry mind Thoughts still doing a chaotic contortion of sorts Ready at the will, no longer mine Tick tock, the time flies right by and it is morning now

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So much for some rest As I anxiously put ink on paper Scribbling nothing but the mad ramblings of a poet

SAYONARA, ARRIVEDERCI, GOODBYE You say you love me When do I get to see it? I see small changes, little efforts Unlike with you They do not go unnoticed With you I feel invisible I remain hurt and confused Toss about and used Taken for granted and then some And forget about sex, because Ill get none How many times have you turned me away... Rhetorical question Oh, so I guess this means youre different How many times have you used that line on me? I dont need your explanations Nor your excuses What applies to you, does not apply to me I get that, loud and clear My soul is hushed

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By the desertion, the flirtation Of your leaving me I feel emotionally battered The mere thought of your touch makes me squirm And not in the good or warm way Though my cheeks do get a little flushed How am I supposed to deal with that? I feel unsafe in your presence I should never feel that way I begin to hate myself Losing my self is not an option So get over it I know that you are trying to understand me Be there for me, for us So before I lose my courage As I have already lost myself You are too little, too late Not long from now I am destined to try A life without you, no more tears to cry Before my fears of being alone takes over Sayonara, arrivederci, goodbye!

WHAT WAS I FIGHTING FOR, ANYWAYS? Buried in what should have been my safe haven Outside of me, lay in waiting, treacherous black ravens Ranting and raving, is the mouth inside my head Gorging on the very thoughts, that deem me dead But I awaken no more To this unsettling thrill of self-suffocation Leaving many behind To their own precise and Well thought out self-degradation

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This is not me The sounds I wish to lay still Not allowing my brain cells to go in for the kill You see, my mind is killing me And every aspect from within Ripping and shredding what lies beneath the skin I awaken no more, not even for a moment For fear I might succumb To how I am not going insane An old drawn out pitch Humming old and familiar songs Feast upon me You cursed birds For I will shuck my own meat to keep you at bay Let me lie here in silence, you old worn out trod Thrust upon my face A pillow to quiet my thoughts But my mind refuses to let it end My mind, my own enemy Where do I even begin? Thrust my trusted 9mm into the pillow My muzzle now This should shut them all up Release me from this beastly cow That has grazed upon me from day one High maintenance High functioning Autistic child But I can not bare it any more I swallow my saliva down hard Pulling the trigger with tears falling down To how I failed badly Deep guilt and shame from anothers infractions Strikes again at my heart Outside a curtain falls Body goes limp Blood spatters as I hit the floor

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I never wanted any of this Just pretty flowers and open fields Never knowing my madness until now Only goes to show fate... What life really yields Imperfection, a screaming heart Battered mind, a living hell Tortured soul, deep void of pain Most are not even mine Somehow I find a way to claim As I struggled to drown out all of these Unforgiving hurts Oh, this unforgiving pain will not let me go Thus I die as I lived, misunderstood Incomplete and alone, so alone ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE Confusion Great confusion centers on me from within Someone is calling me Calling my name, calling me home I look around Where did all of these people come from? Who is that laying in a pool of blood? Oh God, no This is a bad dream, it has to be All at once, all of my painful memories Begin to come alive for me I remember now My pleas, my stifled cries My greatest fear Was of never being loved That I would not be worthy enough Those thoughts weighed upon my tiny shoulders Heavier than the weight of getting punished

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More than being struck, starved, burned or worse Over again and again I was born into the dirt of life To emptiness, betrayal, used Then tossed away like trash Restricted to this mold I was created from Constricted by the hate I could not understand I must perform Then keep silent about these awful lies You, said you love me And I did what I thought I should I loved you in the ways I was taught And was good at it You raped my innocence from me I do not feel pretty, or loved I do not feel special I just feel filthy I do these things for you, because of you All in the name of love And now I lay here crumpled on the floor As I watch from above I turn towards the melodic voices They call my name with such beauty But I am too afraid to go to them Too afraid of not being able to let go of this ache I hear whisperings coming from the strangers That came to look at her, prodding her once more Like buzzards standing over leftover prey Standing over what used to be me I scream as loud as I can, but they cannot hear me Please ...Don't touch me, please. No! You have this all wrong, please dont No! Confusion, once again, seeps into me Because the angels are singing to me

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Why? Do the angels not see that I am stained? That I am still dirty I am still worthless Papa knows, he was just here Digging my essence out of me With each horrific thrust Screaming, you are my special little girl, Why wont you be my special girl, anymore? All the while he is raping me, killing me All in the name of love

SMILING LUNATIC What have I got to lose? Shall I share a part of me? I am no lunatic, though I am damaged For there is not any one person or event to blame Though my trust level is always low My self-esteem...? Well that is something I will have to answer Later, if I can I have tried so hard to change me Every aspect that chased the ones I love, away Never understanding why the pain was swift And way too harsh Please, do not tough love me It hurts even worse Swipes the smile right off my face I forever cry even if you see no tears They are right here, in my heart

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To no prevail, had I been able to fix myself For what I have cannot be undone This smiling lunatic only smiles because... You expect me to My problems exceed the genetic aspects of who I am No one is to blame So why do I hate myself? Why was I created born to be broken? This must be a joke Or some stupid, silly prank That the only one who gets hurt by it Is me I am sure all the doctors mean well By dispensing every new drug that just comes out But it does no good, sometimes making it worse I just want to be done with all of this hurt I am still depressed Still feigning that smile All the while wishing I was not so torn Damaged, broken, and worn How does one escape herself? Please, someone tell me With the exception of suicide How can I become free? Finding out why I am so different Should have delighted me But the only resolution I come to is the fate of Being a prisoner inside of myself Within my life, as I always have been So I smile, just for you No I am no lunatic Though some may argue that fact But what kind of a person hides her face Amidst the sorrow I always feel Searching for this happiness I can never have? That never seems real?

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Please, do not tough love me It hurts even worse It swipes the smile right off my face I do cry even when you see no tears They will now remain hidden Along with the smiles that nearly tore my face apart It is a single shot in the dark, from now on They will remain right here, forever in my heart

CRY OF THE HEAVENS I still wake up to find myself crying For the lives now spent in heaven I long for the gates to open wide So I might have the chance to step inside To walk along those walls caked in marble Bedecked with more jewels than ever an eye to lie upon Bathed in the warmth of love Just knowing this is where I belonged While in my dreams The mouth of hell tries to swallow me whole I take in the cries of the heavens As it has been foretold Awakening in a bed of sweat I mourn for that which hasnt happened yet I scream in the darkness of what it means to be alive Covered in the shadows of what once were While the cry of heaven becomes unearthed I suck in the lies and sins of our birth

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SURRENDER Hope hides its face Or so it would seem Any time I dare to dream Hold my hands out before me This loneliness of my heart Is all that I can see, some times I want to be special But more than that I need to be normal I dont care much for being weird Different, yes A warped sense of humor, maybe But not weird One cannot make friends this way So alone is where I stay Still hopeful enough to dream To fantasize another life for me Exerting all of my needs In light of whom I should be

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I surrender to the life given to me I leave reality once again, outside my door Surrendering my heart to the causes of before The belief system of a great imagination Sets the stage for an even greater fascination Where even I exist in more than just a dream I exist beyond this life of sheer tragedy

SABOTAGE You are a pathetic child No one wants you and they never will You should have never been born Youre so stupid you cant possibly be my child I should have had an abortion Why cant you be good for longer than two weeks? You will never learn Ill give you some thing to cry about, you little whore I do believe I was only seven then I cant help that your words ringing through My tortuous ears and heart This loneliness tears straight through My passionate but desecrated soul I believe the world is out to get me sometimes Mama, what do I do now? Your words come true for me once more I dont want this inner child anymore I hate her, just like you hate me All I want is to blow my very brains out For it has betrayed me, so severely

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I long to hold it in my mouth To pull the trigger just like the proverbial gun You still hold to my head You never loved me The damage has been done It wasnt your fault? Its is all my imagination? How can you say that with a straight face? All of this pain I wish I could forget? This life has cut me off as if I wasnt allowed to exist That I will always know in my dying heart I am just better off dead Maybe it is without you that I could be free So death wasnt such a desperate need I scream inside Knowing you could walk away from me Your child, your baby You used to say that so damn easily How you would enjoy being completely free Of this troubled, incorrigible child You hold me in malice If you ever get the chance to read this Perhaps you could see the real me? The one you held captive for so long The one you have so easily forgotten The one you always made to feel As if I dont belong For once in your life Do something right Be a mother for a change And save this woman Your daughter, your 1st born childs life The only thing I remember about our relationship Are your thoughtless and heartless chime I am no good I will never amount to anything

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You wish I was never born Do you never get tired of using those lines? Does it screw with your head that I turned out Much better than you had predicted? No longer sabotaging my self Because of all the abuse you had once committed? One can only hope

ETERNITY

In the lifetime before this we met The love we had, Ill never forget My darling we were meant to be Together all eternity Long before this day today You were mine and mine to stay Until the plague of death took plea And stirred the path of destiny Alone I waited, years to come For the one I was parted from As destiny reasserted truth Once again I was returned to you Now in the darkest hour I lie To hear your heartbeat by my side I know we were truly meant to be Together for all eternity

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ESSENCE

Time flows by As I watch the tides Roll in and roll out A beautiful sight I am lost in the sea before me Lost but euphoric Nostalgia seeps into my nostrils The scent of heaven The scent of serene As I drown in mother earths essence I am alive LAUGHING SPIRIT Small and easy to forget A voice loud enough to shame Even the greatest of Thunder Still, she is not heard The room is warm Her hands and feet, cold as ice Something, something greater Stands beside her now Cold and alone she sits waiting A voice is heard within the dark saying Hush, my child It is morning laughter that taunts It is inner peace enters her heart Pretending with swelling contentment She is not a bad girl Nor pain a stranger here Only a glimpse of what is to be This can not be her life Cold destructive agony entwined

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In selfishness Comforts the enemy in silence Noise, loud and continuous Never fails nor evades her Lost in the confusion Yet, somehow, made all too clear The abandonment, not driven aside What is known and seems to be forever She is comforted in fear A taste not pleasing to the palette Can no more escape the hunger That has kept her near Isolation, the only window to observation Perhaps, only to serve her mind Stronger in any form of illusion Can she learn to surrender Freeing herself to succumb to the boundaries Consumed with unending questions Stuck and bound to options hide And stands the test of time Hate, hurt, rejection, and lies Are all she has ever known But the gifts of love and understanding May one day be hers, to own Though hopeful, she lies a victims life That Great Spirit may whisper onto her To finally, free her trying soul

THE SPIRIT REALM

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Hush my child It is only me Visiting you while you dream I love to watch you as you sleep Following the rhythm while you breathe Up, down, up, down Your tiny chest heaves No worries in the world for my angelic darlings Only smiles when your imagination takes you To where ever it is you are at this very moment I lean down to give you a kiss For the last time The last time I then wake up With tears in my eyes For in my dreams Is the last time I get to say goodbye WHEN THE EVENING IS GONE When the evening is gone And all I have is you The darkness of yesteryears Come spilling through I wonder what I had done To make you so angry I wonder still If it wasnt just some bad dream Still waiting for the moment We again, shall meet When you would explain Your sudden retreat During my childhood You were never really there But somehow I still manage to believe That you cared A secret part of my heart Still mourns for you Then the evening is gone

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And I again, am left confused You see, I was supposed to hate you Until the day I died But to do that would mean I have become you and your lies And I can think of nothing better Than to get you out of my heart, my head Because when the evening is gone The truth is that you left me for dead A mother of all mothers You claimed to be The truth of the matter is You never really loved me You mattered to me though Hence I defend you to this day When the evening is gone I am still this child filled with pain

REMEMBER ME! Remember when we used to stroll along the beach? Sit by the bonfire and exhange glances Over those who would warm themselves by our fire? Remember the laughter we once shared? Remember the music we used to play? Could hear me singing a mile away Remember how you used to hold my hand? And take long walks across the sand?

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The waters tide drifting in and out Thats what you and I were all about Remember nature and the beauty it used to dispell? Do you remember me, as well? Do memories of me seep into your mind? Because the memories of you Seep through all of the time I cant imagine ever putting you behind But we drifted apart Sometimes those memories hit hard Holding back the tears that tore us in two In a trance, even now, I remain in awe of you

THE WRATH OF THE PUPPETS A battering ram of thoughts Piercing the skull Needling through like some Yarn of thread To do the days sewing The topic for mending is me The raw infectious disease Coursing through my veins Like coiled snakes ready to bite Ready to swallow its day's prey Ferocious, slithering worms Upon a corpse of new ideas And I Am all out of them The meat of my rants Are all but gone Under this new days sun As the moon flourishes In the dimmed lights of imagination

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I swoon at the mere lurking Of anothers dinner delights Taking small chunks Out of what could have been Never to see the light of day Where the sun doesnt shine Where the sun doesnt resonate Its heaping toppings Of self degradation A soulless retreat Barren under the eye Of the night sky Is where I will remain Disdained A SATIRE OF SINS

Here, here, to innocence lost A brutal payment not worth the cost Damaging minds for the taking Where love and hope are forsaken Stolen from the one where nothing is had A single word to make me feel bad Unworthy and out of place Smack that smile right off my face Never enjoyed, half alive Watch the torment that escapes at night It feeds and feeds on endless souls Long after the beatings have taken its toll Fight one more fight at great lengths Watch it absorb all of my strength The gathering of little children he did partake The endless sorrows he left in their wake It is their fault, or so he claimed While he played out this sordid game Speak child, they do no more

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Their hearts fallen forever on the floor As he walked by, he stepped on their tongues Just to have a little fun Why he would do this, I will never understand This wasted child has become a man To delve out torture like he once did Give to the bidder with the highest bid For the all mighty dollar and pains galore I wash this blood off the walls as he did before Out of frustration I cover my face To rid me of him, I make haste All the lies he ever told This hideous journey where children are sold I grew up bigger, faster, stronger I have little need of him any longer I killed him with my own bare hands Now this is something I can fully understand I learned from the best as one can see From all the pain that was once killing me A serial killer has been made By the very person, I now lay into his grave Pity him not, for he was no great man I take this knife and wield it in With all of my strength, I pierce this heart Getting rid of a legacy, one shot in the dark I paid the price for his evil deeds It is only fitting that I also destroy his seed It is unbecoming that I should end up like him I stumble one last time as the lights permanently dim Behind closed lids, were the brightest blue eyes Come to take me home, my soul paralyzed I ask for forgiveness uttering but one name A single smile washed away all of my pain

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I NEED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR LOVE THOUGH IT HURTS SOME TIMES HAS BEEN THE GLUE MY HEART HAS SEVERELY NEEDED TO HOLD ME TOGETHER

SHATTERED/ The Makings Of A Suicide Like a knot, I am tied and bound Twisting in the audience of life from which Comes no sound Ground control, crowd control Each of these are needed here But, who am I kidding? No one would take notice if I just simply disappeared I have been plagued by suicidal thoughts Most of my life When I did act on them My life was spared at all the wrong times No one was supposed to be there on each attempt Just my luck someone would appear At that very moment Sometimes, I get so angry at God For permitting me to go through this Please God, if you love me Let me be embraced by Death's kiss I cannot do this anymore, perhaps this is funny to you My becoming life's perfect little fool

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Is that why it continues? Why have you chosen me, to suffer a life such as this? One moment I know my strengths The next moment I pray for death I am a good person, who only desired and deserves Some happiness, before I die Giving me reason enough to survive There is too much indifference here If you had to live my life would you want to exist? What am I even doing here? Please, I do not understand God, how are the cruelties of my heart To be a part of your master plan? God, if you didn't want me to die this way Then why do I feel pulled in that direction? You have left me alone to suffer These cruelties of rejection Again I ask you, why? A little piece of me dies every day, deeply inside I don't want to be strong, I don't want to hang in there I don't want to play outsider, in my own home I am a basket case of feelings That of which I can no longer deny Nor can I comprehend, why is this happening Please God, just let me die! As I write this poem Oh I do not know, maybe someone out there cares But even with replies I am still very much alone, right here I want to end my life, need to do it, no one understands Thirty-seven years of pain, sheer pain I just cannot do this again Wishing I was still that little girl who believed at One time That a single person could change the world If she really tried Never once did I believe I would be spending my time

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Counting only the tears I have cried I feel myself regressing to that little girl inside Like a knot, that's been loosed and untied I used to desire to live, now each and every day, I just want to curl up and die I tried to hang in there the best I could I did everything to change Changed myself, my outlook on life Anything to make me good, but all I am is strange I'm trapped with this little girl inside With nowhere to go, and no place to hide I have never been the kind of person to wear a mask To prevent people from seeing what is really inside Taking cover within oneself Is not really a good place to hide My smile has been forever broken This page in an open book, a mere part of the past A high pitch has resonated my pain And it has finally shattered This figurine made of glass!

IN A MOMENTS NOTICE A warm magical mist Of this night sky My heart gone amiss Beneath these clouds, I lie A moment to treasure When all else falters I feel you brush up against my skin I am lost inside of your sin

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METAL MAGNET Yes, I am a metal magnet A regular head banger Click on my lighter and hold it To my favorite metal ballad I love all kinds of rock and roll From soft, medium, alternative Nu metal and headache music All of it rescues me from the insanity It pops the ears of those who refuse To acquire the taste of it I love it! Surging my adrenaline My blood finally pumping Pulsing, pulsating, invigorating Thump, thump, thump, the base screams Like heavy footprints in the crevices within my head Invading my dark regions of the mind Yes, I love my metal It caress the deeper aspect of me

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All of a sudden I have all this energy Head banging, screaming, lucidity gone I love all kinds of rock and roll From soft, medium, alternative Nu metal and headache music All of it rescues me from the insanity The imagined acid trips all in my head When the music says all it will ever say I am at the record store preparing for the trap Eager to play my new finds, holding the CD in my lap Eager to rage in a positive manner No room for me to feel diseased For I have a natural high, a definitive rush This headache music Sets this warped mind at ease THE WHEELS GO ROUND AND ROUND

The wheels are grinding Always reminding me Of the endless pain I fail to let go of Why do I write such sad pieces? Everyone always ask I guess it is because I am good at it Stick with what you know You will get a little farther that way So I do and what comes of it Is that I find I have a lot to say About the dark dreams And bitter moments A token of who I am And what I am to become Shed the tears Break out in a small smile

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I rarely even let anyone Get that close I release the valves Of a pliable heart As I reign in my most extreme moments Of what I shall overcome The wasted events Has not fallen yet before me As I peer into the depths of my soul A warped persona not yet made whole Please do not cry for me As I am going to be okay Just know that my words No matter how painful Leaves me only a few steps away From the pressure That I must measure In order to wake up everyday The wheels are churning The thoughts are burning This knowledge is surging Itchy against my soft skin I try to be lighter Look for things in life that are brighter Than those old soul memories I have grabbed onto yet again As I seem to be collapsing upon myself In the shadows of familiarity I find hope as strange as that my sound These shared thoughts no longer keep me bound A prisoner of my own making An innocent who was for the taking Completes her destiny within I no longer lay in the wake of my fathers sins I no longer see my mother in me

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As I awaken within my dreams I crawl out of my shell unhindered Living life and feeling free I look back now And know in my heart Succumbed to things that life brings I would not change a single thing

JOSHUA TREE Warm is this sultry air A breeze softly speaking my name As the desert sand caresses The very roots by which I feed Morning dew falls upon my branches Hummingbirds flittering around Budding in and out to taste The delicates juices of the Joshua tree Dust devils spinning their webs Of fire and dust particles of sand While scorpions and other critters Find shade beneath my spiny hands I am not a cactus, nor merely a desert flower Or shelter for the few desert creatures Looking to embrace the dangers Among these many scorching hours I am beautiful and strange Among the many homes within this national park

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That has served to preserve my uniqueness Whether it be by day or night My true function, like many of my friends Remains a mystery, but one thing is for certain All are amazed by the beauty of this Joshua tree

NO. SERIOUSLY, WHY? I am not taken seriously I do not understand I am not the one for telling lies Even if I could, I treat them as if I cant Like the time when I was small My first time back home with mom She asked what my nightmares were about I told her, she could only sit there, stunned To this day, she still does not believe me I was afraid to cause trouble for fear of getting hit She liked to do that, almost loved it, I think Anytime I would flinch, it was because of Some swift action on her part That, was reason enough to hit me again and again I felt so hated when I was a child Spent the years trying to reform myself Being listened to but never heard I resided for many years in my own personal hell I am still trying to crawl out, right now

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Again, the angst per the abuse I suffered These feelings I was forced to buffer Inappropriate manerisms keep me confused I am always the one to lose Almost leaves me bitter No one cares what goes on in my head My feelings and thoughts are subject to ridicule Somehow I always manage to play the perfect little fool I really do have a lot to say Why am I made to feel so unimportant, anyway? I am so sorry world for only leaving such a brief note But I must refrain from the explanations Or my living pain would have meant that I was nothing more than a joke I just cannot live my life like that, anymore A life in ruins, no more I left behind, a world so cold Only one shed tears for me As I am summoned to complete my destiny I rise from myself and Witness my husband standing there crying He whipers his apologies for not believing in me My spirit comes to him, wings enfolding around him Sweetly I whisper, thats ok hon, nobody does Then kissing him my last kiss Softly on his cheeks and lips Never regretting what I have done I fly away to the stars above For my home is up there in the heavens That is where I really belong Where sorrow is nothing more than a faded memory I leave behind this fatal legacy Why couldnt someone just believe? And just have a little faith in me

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HABITUAL Casually, I walk into the room Scan all the people that are there Plenty of good looking men and women I smile as I initally scan the floor Without looking too obvious I smile and walk past I can feel their eyes upon me, now thats hot The bar scene I never let on how lonely I am A great poser of happiness and self esteem Just a little act so that I might feed It is all about the fun Habitual liars, pathological criminals, limp druggies Has nothing on what I need Oh how much my soul bleeds itself out for a little more My feast is on the love And hearts of those who might care Not briefly, mind you, I am in it for the long haul

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An attraction with no real agendas attached Love me, hold me, convince me you care Because I need my fix, my cure From this damned rejection once the fun is over Shining from habitualistic behaviors I am not interested in being shut out I do not want to live the rest of my life alone That I would risk it all, a willing addiction I need a cure From the heartaches and let downs From the life I have ever known Life can be habit forming When searching for the unknown I am not yet willing I am not yet ready To carve this heart in stone

REFLECTIONS OF MY SHADOW Do you know me? You should I have been with you your whole life Through the terrible and the good I've always been here, right by your side I am the one that whispers Shush, everything will be okay When everyone else left you Here I stayed You're all I had to get me through the days We have shared so many horrible things Please... I beg you! Don't give up on me now

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Believe me we will get through this somehow It is true, just wait and see Do you believe me yet? I always believe in you Just look into the mirror See... here I am! I am you So you pray unto the Great Spirit For I know He understands You and I can sense somehow His remarkable plan And yes, I do understand As our life has been full of regrets I promise you, yours is the heart Great Spirit can never forget ONE BREATH I think I will just keep pushing these poems out Till yesterday has finally faded, and tomorrow I will awaken to a world that no longer seems jaded I will live in a day of todays, Where I have found peace with myself One breath holds me back from forgiveness One breath, just short of death So much worse than dying As one heartbeat keeps me alive Day to day I either falter or I thrive One heartbeat, one breath Can mean the difference between Sanity and complete loss of my mind If just one heartbeat flutters Just one breath is inhaled... Means one moment One minute, one hour, one day

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I am kept alive, though exhausted I can finally exhale Just let me hold on Do not allow me to let go! I just need to take it easy One breath at a time Nice and slow

TIME IS RUNNING OUT I lay here... Stewing in my own daunted and failed beliefs Simmering from time to time upon my dark obsessions Wavering every time your greedy eyes takes in this sight All the while You are reveling in dismay toward my good intentions ...Good intentions never did amount to much Depression continues to erode my final years away Your sweet, sexy smile Sneers that familiar look of grim Your persistent need for having this poor demented one Stains me in fragility Absorbed in this agony of personal sin... Just not sure how much more I can cope without giving in Dark shadows... I have gone amiss While you walk vicariously Oblivious to the powers of degradation That you possess, steadfast and holding

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I fall deeply embedded into this heap of sorrow The enormity of my own shame has left me hollow I find myself awakening to yet another tomorrow I am but a fool's fool, an idiot on a stick Pity me not...love me still But, where is all of that to end? Whimpering and crying in the corner of chanced hope Without fruition, like clockwork, past, present and Future Holds no answers to my endless questions Praying these unpredictable tears Will not cause me to choke Of what I must do routinely To survive the insanity of it all Shame is what I look like now As I recite prayer for prayer Repetitively You leave me feeling as though born Out of some unseen convictions... Why? You are my world, my shadow, reflection Even a hero of sorts Yet this little girl in me refuses to move on Albeit, the survivor in me or stubborn will She needs the world's affection to keep her alive She's afraid to go... Abandonment issues, go figure! Nope, no more rainbows out there for little ole me Perhaps this silence from the other side The one God hangs out in... Quite possibly, there is nothing left for me to dream I stand in front of the mirror, and peer in To see whatever it is I will see As I try to figure it all out... What ever happened to the sanctity of me?

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WITHERING AWAY I watch As the seasons change right before my eyes I glance upon a look down at my feet Then up to the skies Pondering the thoughts Never before spoken Wondering how many times My heart has been broken How many times have I made Another cry? Or told A little white lie? Am I the one truly at fault? That does anything at a cost? Of self made influences Loitering in nuances Beautiful things And what horrors life brings

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Stuck in limbo Embraced in the things I shall never know Watching as the sky turns red Laying in the wake of my own bed One, I alone had made To prove myself not a fake Like a flower, I too wilt Withering away inside myself Too many unanswered questions The invisibility of this quest I have been on Makes no difference The efforts put into them I am still too far off To embrace the sun Of endeavors Once fulfilled I am destroyed Utterly destroyed by my own free will Withering, getting smaller everyday Disappearing at a rapid pace With each foregone conclusion Has this all just been some grand illusion? A question I ask, not yet spoken Pondering just how many times has my heart been broken? Digging deep into myself a single reason why That makes me sit here, and just cry I watch as the seasons change right before my eyes I glance upon a look at my feet then up to the skies Pondering just how much of my life All I have survived has been nothing but One sanctimonious lie

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HEAVY BURDENS Its the morning after When things dont seem quite as bad As they did once before It is yesterday that I can still feel Somewhere out there Still crouching outside my door Hard for me to look passed and Beyond myself The dreams I can only wish for Settling for whats best for me now And only praying for the end Of what is bound to be so much more More of the same but, so much more than less I want to believe the best of what others say I deserve Need to believe these are mere tests That time will break the boundaries that Now holds me to all the hurt I am not a victim of spousal abuse

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I am not a victim anymore Been through this before It doesnt feel the same He doesnt call me names The betrayal does not stain But I still feel dirty, evermore! Oh wash me clean, I beg you please I am standing at suicides door But if I leave this way Fail as I have done too many times I will be left alone For death would have settled the score Is there no hope for me? Here or on another plane, somewhere? Where it does not hurt to be me Am I not meant to feel safe? Nor stained with my endless shame? To be able to embrace What it means to be free? Please cry my tears for me Take them away I can not do this anymore I am so unclean Used for dirty deeds I am an open wound Infected by abuse Feeding off my sorrows While yesterday has remained, Is still crouching outside my door Take me home, I beg you please Let me come to you on Eternals plane Please, please I beg of you, please Forevermore...! Tomorrow, tomorrow I hope to awaken to find flowers And all things of beauty in my heart Where the weight of my world... A mere lingering The haunting of yesterdays exists for me

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Where despair is a part of my life forever Forever Never more!

RED EMBERS BURNING I am just sitting here Watching time fly by In slow motion My pain fades In slow motion I begin to believe Time may not have a place for me No stress, I am free Melancholy hangs over my head Weighing heavy upon this heart I am not numb There just isnt anything to feel tonight A fire burning Upon the screen of my computer I sit here calm, staring at the warmth I cannot feel across my skin The days duties has settled in

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Worn and tired, life now begins Three in the morning And I am just now going to bed To rest my weary thoughts I have not much left to do I slip into a deep dream And I wake up screaming I wake up to find I was still dreaming I only thought I was awake Waiting to confront lifes mistakes But tonight, there are none Possibly only for tonight I cant worry about that now I roll over and hold you tight You whisper, sleep tight I smile, gentle goes the night WASTED AGAIN

These emotions invades My spirit, my heart, my mind Corroding my very essence Leave me now I plead Bind me to mercy Show me freedom Of all these things That which causes me to lose this war I remain torn The scars, only a small part of it Only a small segment of the brutality known These emotions are evasive When searching for the answers They never come This battle with the self Consumes me from within A slow smoldering fire

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Bringing to life These emotions are all but gone The silent sound of my tears, burn A mass of self pity No longer mine for the taking For I am too far gone to even know what that is A cut deeper Than any knife can wield I am exploding from the insides I lie here Just aching to be alive Dried up from all the misery my memories bring Simplicity Makes me more complicated Than I can manage on my own I awaken to the self of treason Of my spirit, my heart, my mind, my essence I have sanctioned myself out of this world Living out someone else lie I close my eyes Daring God to return me Or ignore me As everyone else As I pack my emotions away I fall asleep Then gently Fade to black I am not planning to stay I am not coming back Wasted spirit fades

BORDERLINE

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This rift in the foundation of hope Corrodes down to the bare metal Burrowing through the soul Of what truly matters I love you today Just to hate you tomorrow Thats what happens every time You live our lives on the borderline Despising you today My heart breaking for you tomorrow Our love has become a fatal disease Our lives colliding like a train wreck Seeking animosity where there was none All for the fun of it Just to get under my skin That fine line gets crossed again Tears usually kept in a secret place Manages to find their way out Is this how it will be all the time? Now that I have fallen into your mad embrace? Make peace for the sanity of it all Like rubber bands being stretched From one end to the other I wonder why I even bother I plead to you, once again To love me now as you never did before To erase the pain caused by a foul destiny To change what leaves you hesitant When I hold your face in my hands Do I appear to you in heart? Do I even cross your mind? Enough to step away, from time to time? Enough to lead us into that safe place? Bringing us back to that sacred time When hearts were mended

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And souls were not displaced? I would love to hold you tomorrow Destroying this unending distance between us Amidst this fine line between love and hate That you insist for us to live in Can this borderline create

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