New School Fad: Swearing In Speeches When Its Unnecessary and Inappropriate

The 2011-2012 school year was an eventful and successful year for Kings College speakers. From convocation to commencement, many great orators showed their gifts to their peers. This year we l co m e d a n e w co n t a g i o u s element to the many speeches at K i n g s : s w e a r i n g . Fr o m t h e moment that Casimer Crane declared the House of Reagan to be the most bada--, students scrambled to fit any and every possible combination of profanities into public speeches. An independent study showed a 467% increase in the combined u s e o f b - - - - , f - - - , s - - - , c- - - , motherf---er, and f---ing c--sucking b---- f---er in speeches given at The Kings College this year. While the sheer amount of swearing used in speeches was enough to catch the attention of many, the creative use of such language is what drew in others. I found the regular s---s to be far less enjoyable than those accompanied by a bull or horse. I e v e n o n ce h e a r d t h e te r m apes--- used. I loved it, said impressionable freshman Jonathan Merry. Many had mixed opinions on the colorful language employed in these speeches. Yeah, I loved the use of skunk mouthed piece of s --- in the house histor y competition, but I found the House of Bonhoeers word for word recitation of the D---s, P--ies, and A--holes speech from Team America: World Police in their performance art show to stretch the limits of what is acceptable, said M----rf---er Josh. Even the President of The Kings College, Dinesh DSouza participated in this new damn trend when he closed his commencement speech by saying, Take what you have learned at this institution and use it to inuence other inuential institutions to benefit the Kingdom of God, m----rf---ers. In a god--n response written to this s h - - - t y n e w s p a p e r, D S o u z a explained that it isnt that big of a f---ing deal. Everyones doing it, dammit. While there isnt a single f---ing piece of scientific evidence to explain why the hell people decided it would be cool to say s--in a speech, many have concluded that its just a--hole col lege students doing the s---ty things they will always f---ing do. F---ing A man, college kids do some absof - - - c k i n g - l u te l y s t u p i d s t u f f sometimes. Actually, all the f--cking time, explained sociologist Anne Hendershott while she grinned in that way only she can. Kids will be kids, and there isnt s--- we can do about it.

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On Tradition And Innovation (And How Ones Totally Better Than The Other) Theres been a lot of talk this year concerning tradition and innovation - its the theme of Interregnum, so were forced to include it into our presentations, even when wed much rather talk about the House system or the school moving or how Obama somehow hates both tradition and innovation, somehow. Well, Im here to put a stop to this debate, because frankly, there just isnt one. Innovation is obviously the better value of the two. Preferring tradition over innovation is like preferring Cholera over Not Having Cholera. Its just wrong, and also ends with you contracting Cholera. Some people may try and frame my point as a contentious one, but theyre wrong. My point is backed by literally every piece of evidence you can think of; innovation in Hollywood gave us Reservoir Dogs, but tradition gave us Air Bud 11: Treasure Buddies. Innovation lead to the development of Apple products, while tradition lead to the fact that Apple products havent changed at all in 3 years. Innovation gave us the awesome rst season of NBCs Heroes, while tradition gave us the terrible second season of NBCs Heroes. I could go on, but Im out of examples. George Santayana once said, Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Well, I say, The past was boring and didnt have nearly enough iPads and political division, Im tired of waiting, can we just do something already, and Id be mostly right in saying that (as well as more poetic than that Mexican guy). If you were on a date with a girl, would you keep repeating the same date over and over, or would you try out a new one each week? The answer is I dont know, its been so long since Ive been on a date oh god Im so lonely - which leads me to my nal point: The next time you taste a delicious flavor youve never tasted before, thank Innovation. When you have an experience youve never had before, thank Innovation. And when youre taught a new move in your pole dancing class, thank Tradishun (she teaches the class, and shes a huge fan of innovation).

Students Wonder If Hey Guys, Did Jimmy Transfer Out Last Semester?
Freshman students in the college have lately come together in asking themselves, Did Jimmy Milonne transfer out of Kings? I havent seen him in forever... Wow, I actually havent seen him since Christmas Break. Questions began to circulate the week of Febr uar y 20th, when students came to realize that they didnt have any classes with Jimmy this semester, and wheres that guy been anyways, we used to hang out all the time. I hope hes not gone that guy was so chill, sources say. Students have been confused about who to ask for conrmation about Jimmys departure, because really were not even sure what house he was in, so we wouldnt know where to start. Sources have divulged that while Jimmy wasnt close to any students in particular, hed become part of the social milieu of the Slounge and Student Caf. Id walk by and see him, and wed exchange pleasantries and talk about how we needed to hang out sometime, said 43% of the freshman class. They continued,

Ive just been so busy lately... Lately being all of second semester. Maybe he just has a different schedule than I do. Students found a brief ray of hope when they remembered that hey, didnt he date some girl near the end of rst semester, in Barton or Thatcher or something? However, our sources have affirmed their hesitation to follow up on leads because really thats their business and what right do I have to stick my nose all up in it. A survey of students has conrmed that e ven when Milonne wa s denitely enrolled in The Kings College, he attended the minimum number of sessions required to pass each class. Sources say that when teachers called his name in class, theyd often receive no response, and then just hang their head and sigh his name under their breath. Reall y, sources say, we can probably just clear this up with a quick Facebook search. Oh hey! Look! Pictures of what I think I am contrasted with pictures of what others think I am! How clever!
- Kings gives up caring about the MCA program for Lent. - Houses spend all of House History Competition talking about how awful they used to be, how infallible they are now. - Ludlow student visits Clark Street, falls into deep depression. - Tran-sylmania sweeps the school following SBP elections.

Contributors
FUTURE-BOT 1500K A robot sent from the future to kill John Connor and write pieces of satire for a no-budget school rag. BRO FORDTHEFT Making a triumphant return to the ESR after the rst issue, Bro can be found in gyms and nope, thats all. BILLINGSLY Editor-inChief of the ESR, indie musician and painter of abstract nude fruit art.

THIS WEEK, AT KINGS

- HT roof reopens, student remember how awful it is. - Febru-any ends, students across America weep on scale unseen since Kim Jong Ils funeral. - Boys nd out more than they ever, ever, ever in their darkest dreams wanted to know about the traditions of Girl Houses. - Teachers schedule midterms awkwardly for kicks.

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