Oh Hell No!

by Jayesh Bokhiria

ACT I Scene I

Stage is dark a character named TONY comes out into the stage. Spot lights are turned on TONY. TONY start singing in a heavy Mexican voice

"Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin', Smiled with the risin' sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin' sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right." Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin', Smiled with the risin' sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin' sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh! Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!" Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry! "'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry! Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right." Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no! 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right! -Bob Marley

(Spot light off/lights out)

End of Scene I

Scene II (Silent and all of sudden all the stage lights are turn on. One by one all the people come out behind the stage.)

(Heavy Mexican voice is used by TONY throughout the play) I am TONY, a poor but rough and tough Mexican-Canadian you never met in your life.

( Means thinking) Name IDIOT I, TONY my best friend. Name IDIOT II, TONY my best friend. Name IDIOT III, TONY my best friend. Good Morning I am TINA and I work at Taco Bell. I mean I am a manager a Taco Bell, 52 Pi Hallow St., New York City, Texas 052230. Hi, I love you and my name is MINA. I for work for PAPPA YOUNG. I am sorry TONY slept with me. Hi, I hate you and my name is JULIA and I for work for PAPPA YOUNG. I raped TONY that night.

Hi, I hate you and my name is JULIET and I for work for PAPPA YOUNG. I raped TONY that night, too. Hello I TOM, I guard of Heaven for my friend. Hello I TOMMY, I am guard of Hell Yeah, thats me you son of bitch THE DEVIL, I am king of Hell; daddy pimp of Hell. Here (point towards right) are my biddies from Hell. Yo HOMMIE its me Mr. Young, all my Hot Chicks calls me PAPPA YOUNG aka DADDYY PIMP. Hit me up and I hook you up PLUS get you some discount.

(A voice comes behind the stage) SHUT UP, YOU SON OF BITCH End of Scene II.

Scene III (TONY comes out behind the stage) Yes, I Tony a Mexican-Canadian who comes to America by (Light out)

(American and Mexican border; Tony and his three friends other side of border waiting for right time to cross the border and enter America.)

TONY Eh Yo buddy! BUDDY! BUDDDYYY! IDIOT I What? TONY

Yo, you ready go America IDIOT III Tony, I dont know about you but I am ready. TONY Mother Trucker, I born ready for this. IDIOT II What the fuck Tony, we been waiting since 5:00 AM TONY All of you SHUT THE FUCK UP! Stupid bastard. Listen (There is silent for a moment) Listen up now, we cross the border when sunset.

End of Scene III

Scene IV (Tony and his three friends are still waiting for sunset)

(Excited) TONY Here we go. Sun is going down. Idiot II I see that Tony (Sunset and its dark)

TONY, IDIOT I, IDIOT II, and IDIOT III Lets rock it. (Tony and his three friends start running) TONY Come on, run faster. IDIOT II I cant. My leg is bleeding. TONY That (security guard) son of bitch killed you. (TONY, IDIOT I and IDIOT III kept running thinking that IDIOT II has been killed) IDIOT I Tony we made it! IDIOT III Welcome to America my friends. TONY That (security guard) son of bitch killed our friend IDIOT II. (They all started crying)

End of Scene IV

Scene V (Tony and his two friends have been separate. Tony is looking for a job in order to make mad money)

(TINA sitting on a chair and TONY ENTERS) TINA Good Morning, I am Tina and I am here at Taco Bell. Who are you? TONY I am Tony. TINA Tony the Tiger? TONY No woman, I am Tony the Mexican-Canadian. TINA Nice! How can I help you? TONY Bitch, I need a job here. TINA Congratulation! You are in. TONY I want to in with you. TINA What? TONY When can I start working here? TINA Whenever you are ready?

TONY Woman I was born ready for these. (TINA bring Taco Bells dress Uniform) TINA Here Tony. Put this uniform on. Get your ass working I pay you $6.28 per hour. TONY I need my money in CASH before I leave. GOT IT TINA Whatever, you little bastard. (TINA EXIT)

(Tony start working 5 minutes later MINA ENTER) MINA Hey sexy wanna spoon some time with me. TONY Woman I have no time for you. MINA How about tonight? All tonight just you and me. TONY Oh Hell No! (TONY is angry) I aint getting in with a white chick. I am hundred percent Mexican-Canadian. MINA

Whatever, pussy. See you tonight. (MINA EXIT)

(15 minutes later PAPPA YOUNG ENTERs) PAPPA YOUNG Yo hommie, do you know what you just did? TONY What mother trucker? PAPPA YOUNG You just reject one of my hot street biddies TONY HELL NO! (TONY gets angry) Get the fuck out of my store. You son of bitch. (PAPPA YOUNG gets very mad and angry) PAPPA YOUNG NO you son of bitch you know who you talking to you piece of shit. You will pay for this. (PAPPA YOUNG EXIT) (12 AM is about time to close the store. TINA ENTERS) TINA Hey you son of bitch, how are you doing? TONY I am good. That son of bitch ruined my day.

TINA Who? TONY THAT SON OF BITCH! TINA How you getting home? TONY I dont know. TINA Do you want me to drive you? TONY Hell YES! (TINA driving TONY home) TONY Here right here. This is my house. TINA You lucky bastard your house is a beautiful. TONY I love had a dream to GET IT in with a Mexican woman. TINA You bastard I knew that. (TINA smiles) LETS DO IT!

(TONY and TINNA enters the house) TINA You bastard you lied to me. What the fuck that bitch doing on your bed. (TINA EXIT)

(MINA lying naked on TONYs bed) TONY You bitch you ruin everything. MY FIRST SEX! (TONY is mad) Now I will be virgin forever. TINA Haha. Bastard! I told you. TONY Way to ruin my first sex. TINA Relax, take this drink. TONY Thank you. (TONY start getting dizzy and light is going out) What? What did you put in the drink? Dont do that to me TINA You dont like me?

TONY You are good but NO I want to get in with a white chick. TINA I cannot stop it now.

End of Scene V

Scene VI (TONY and TINA had a sex last night. Now they are about to wake up.)

(TONY is shock) TONY What? Where are my clothes? Why am I naked? TINA Babe what happened? (TONY jump out of bed when he hears TINAs voice) TONY You? TINA Yes, its me TINA TONY What are you doing in my bed and where are my clothes?

TINA I should ask you same question where is my clothes? Because you are the one who took off my clothes and throw it somewhere? (TONY gets mad) TONY Me? Bitch what you talking about. Get the fuck out of my house. TINA Thats what all others guys say in the morning. Bastard I need my money now? TONY Money for what? (TINA is mad very mad because TONY is not willing to pay her) TINA For undressing me and having a tinny dick. I mean you had a sex with me. TONY Woman listen I didnt had a sex with you. I had no control over myself after that drink you gave me. Although I had a great time with you. (Shocked and mad after TONY admit that he did had a sex with her) TINA So give me my damn money. Dont be a pussy. TONY BICTH! I aint paying you no dime. (TINA is mad and she starts walking out of the house naked.) TINA You will pay for his. You little bastard! Damn you! Tinny dick head! TONY

Whatever, bitch. (TONY falls asleep.)

End of Scene VI

Scene VII (TINA left TONYs house naked and goes to visit PAPPA YOUNG who is sitting and hot chicks are standing next to his throne.) on a throne,

(PAPPA YOUNG is excited) PAPPA YOUNG Damn girl! You are looking hot today. (TINA start crying) HONEY! What happened? (PAPPA YOUNG is shocked and start worrying) What happened? Tell me. Please! TINA That bastard PAPPA YOUNG Who? TINA TONY! (PAPPA YOUNG is gets angry)

PAPPA YOUNG That dick head. What he did to you? TINA He played with me all night and (TINA start crying again and PAPPA YOUNG gets more mad)

PAPPA YOUNG Then WHAT? TINA He called me a BITCH (PAPPA YOUNG gets madder now) That pussy bastard. How dare he call my bitches a bitch? TINA Not only had the kicked me out of the house naked without any pay. PAPPA YOUNG That son of bitch. He gonna pay for these. TINA But how? (PAPPA YOUNG starts laughing) PAPPA YOUNG JULIA and JULIET you know what to do, right? JULIA and JULIET YES BOSS! PAPPA YOUNG

Haha! Haha!

End of Scene VII

Scene VIII (JULIA and JULIET go to TONYs house, and TONY has been sleeping since TINA left.)

(TONY wake up when he heard a noise) TONY Who there? JULIA Its me! JULIET And its me! (TONY gets mad) TONY Who the hell are you? (JULIA sits next to TONY and start touching him) JULIA Babe, its me babe JULIA. TONY JULIA? (Bring a drink/holding a drink)

JULIET Yes, thats JULIA, and its me JULIET. (TONY is shocked and dont know what to do?) TONY JULIET? JULIET Yes, babe. (Lights go out) Have this drink. (TONY start getting nervous) TONY Why why the room is dark? JULIA Dont worry babe, everything will be alright. Its not just our house, but the all streets lights are out. (TONY takes the drink and start drink) TONY JULIA and JULIET, I cant see anything. My head is spinning. PLEASE hold my hand. (Night over and the Sun is shining in the room from the window) Who turned that damn light ON? JULIET Babe its just the Sun shining through the window. (TONY who was sleeping in between JULIA and JULIET is shocked and jumps out of the bed when he heard JULIETs voice)

TONY Who the hell are you? And what you doing on my bed. (JULIA wakes up because of TONYs loud Mexican voice) JULIA You Bastard. I should I ask you the same question. I mean we not I. (TONY start getting irritated) TONY Bitch (es), what you talking about? (JULIA and JULIET are mad because TONY is being an asshole.) JULIET You bastard. We should I ask you same question what the hell were you doing with us whole night? (TONY start to get more irritated) TONY What the fuck you talking about? And where are my clothes? JULIA You played with us all night long, and asking us what we are talking about? JULIET By the way, you are the one who took our clothes off and throw it under the bed. TONY Why would I do that? JULIET Bastard you know better. You cant get in with clothes ON.

(JULIA is mad very mad) JULIA Damn it! Now give us over money TONY Money for what? (JULIA and JULIET look at each other, and take the gun out) JULIA and JULIET You know better (Gun fire) JULIA This bastard will go to HELL! (Light out) JULIA and JULIET Haha! Haha!

End of Scene VIII

Scene IX (After life: TONY is died but his spirit isnt. It will go to heaven or hell?)

(Light are turned ON and they are two doors with one guard at each door. TONY Buddy, where am I and where are you?

TOM I no talk. Break. Break. Come later. (TONY looks up) TONY Oh that sign says Welcome to Heaven which means I have to go in. TOM NO, you cant. We close. (TONY looks to his left, and there he sees another guard standing out stand the door and there is a door sign too.) TONY WELCOME (TONY start thinking) Welcome? How about that door. TOM we close. A shortcut to enter Heaven. TONY Thanks mother trucker for wasting my time. (TONY run to other door and about to enter but he is stopped by the guard.) TOMMY Sorry sir, this isnt the place for you. TONY Who are you to stop me? Get out of my way! TOMMY No sir. Please, do not enter.

(TONY pushes the guard a side and enters. Once he is in the door is close automatically) TONY What the fuck just happen to the door? (He looks up) TO HELL! (TONY started thinking) WELCOME on outside of the door and TO HELL! inside the door where am I? WELCOME TO HELL? What the fuck? (All of the sudden, TONY sees the fire everywhere.) What the fuck is going on? I am standing on the fire, but I aint burning? (TONY is shocked, and he starts walking forward.) Damn, there are hot biddies in Hell. Not only that they are hotter than those (DEVIL in his rough and loud voice) DEVIL Whos there? (TONY talking to himself) I think thats DEVIL the King of Hell and the King of those hot biddies. Lucky bastard. (TONY runs to DEVIL crying) Your highness, your highness. Please help me. DEVIL Who are you? And what you doing here? TONY I TONY, the guard of Heaven killed the guard of Hell in front of me and throw me in Hell.

(More crying) Your highness, that guard thinks he is better than you. (DEVIL gets mad, extremely mad his head is on fire) DEVIL How dare, he do that? EINA, MINA, and TINA go kill that bastard, then rape him. EINA, MINA, and TINA Yes, your highness. (TONY stops crying by little) TONY Your highness, everything gonna be alright. Now your highness, can you Please send me to Heaven thats where are I belong after going through a horrible life in Earth. DEVIL I am sorry, my friend TONY. Balls, once you are in hell you cant go anywhere particularly in Heaven. (TONY start crying again) My friend control yourself. TONY I been through a lot, hoped everything will be alright one day. But that day never came in Earth. DEVIL Why was your life miserable? Tell me everything about your life. (TONY Starts crying more until three hot biddies come next to him) HOT BIDDIES of HELL Babe, listen to us (Starts touching him and start singing)

"Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

(TONY stops crying when one of the biddies bring him a drink) TONY Thank you, honey for a glass of wine. (TONY drinks the wine) Your highness, I am a Mexican Canadian *TONY tells him autobiography to DEVIL and his mad biddies] (TONY starts crying again) Worst thing those two chick after the shot me was they raped my dead body for days. (DEVIL and his mad biddies start crying) I am sorry. TONY my good friend you been through a lot. And I am so sorry to hear that no one there to help you. Life does sucks. (Moment of silent) My friend TONY, you do deserve going to hell, but (TONY starts crying more) How about this I grant you a wish. You can for anything you want except you going to heaven. TONY As you say your highness. I wish for three more wishes. DEVIL My friend TONY, for you I grant three more wishes, and not only this I give you one of my hottest biddies for free. TONY Thank you, your highness. My three wishes: You my highness kill that bastard PAPPA YOUNG, then, get me all his mad biddies. GIVE ME YOUR THRONE.

(DEVIL has his eyes close with a big smile in his face, because he is helping a person who never got to taste the victory.) DEVIL YOU WISHES ARE GRANTED. (DEVIL just realized what he had done) What? What? NO! NO! I take it back. NO! TONY SHUT UP, YOU SON OF BITCH DEVIL You TONY Mother Trucker, do what I told you to. DEVIL But TONY Get out of that throne now! (DEVIL is standing where TONY was standing, and TONY is sitting on the throne) Haha! Now I am King of Hell. Thus, I am daddy pimp of these biddies. Yo hommie, do what I told you. DEVIL Yes, what is that your highness? TONY KILL THAT BASTARD! And get me his biddies, all mad hot biddies.\ Haha! Haha! Haha!

(BOOM! The lights are out)

End of Scene IX

Scene X (When light are turns ON: we see PAPPA YOUNG with mad biddies and DEVIL enters the room/stage)

PAPPA YOUNG YO HOMMIE WELCOME TO HOOD! (All biddies start laughing) What types of biddies you like or want discount? DEVIL I am DEVIL. PAPPA YOUNG DEVIL the King of Hell? Thus, do you have biddies at place? DEVIL Was King of Hell. And so (PAPPA YOUNG interrupted DEVIL) PAPPA YOUNG Hommie, you waste 5 minutes of my important time. STOP wasting my time and pick biddies. DEVIL Actually your time is up Mr. PAPPA YOUNG. PAPPA YOUNG

What the fuck you talking? DEVIL Yes, you heard me right your time is up. TONY a Mexican Canadian who is now the King of Hell sent me down to kill you. (All biddies starts running and PAPPA YOUNG is mad, extremely mad) PAPPA YOUNG THAT PUSSY HEAD BASTARD

End of Scene X THE END