TheWall ByJeanPaulSartre TheypushedusintoabigwhiteroomandIbegantoblinkbecausethelighthurtmyeyes.ThenIsawatable andfourmenbehindthetable,civilians,lookingoverthepapers.Theyhadbunchedanothergroupofprisonersin thebackandwehadtocrossthewholeroomtojointhem.TherewereseveralIknewandsomeotherswhomust havebeenforeigners.Thetwoinfrontofmewereblondwithroundskulls:theylookedalike.Isupposedthey wereFrench.Thesmalleronekepthitchinguphispants:nerves. Itlastedaboutthreehours:Iwasdizzyandmyheadwasempty;buttheroomwaswellheatedandIfoundthat pleasantenough:forthepast24hourswehadn'tstoppedshivering.Theguardsbroughttheprisonersuptothe table,oneaftertheother.Thefourmenaskedeachonehisnameandoccupation.Mostofthetimetheydidn'tgo anyfurtherortheywouldsimplyaskaquestionhereandthere:"Didyouhaveanythingtodowiththesabotage ofmunitions?"Or"Wherewereyouthemorningofthe9thandwhatwereyoudoing?"Theydidn'tlistentothe answersoratleastdidn'tseemto.Theywerequietforamomentandthenlookingstraightinfrontofthembegan towrite.TheyaskedTomifitweretruehewasintheInternationalBrigade:Tomcouldn'ttellthemotherwise becauseofthepaperstheyfoundinhiscoat.

Theydidn'taskJuananythingbuttheywroteforalongtimeafterhe toldthemhisname. "MybrotherJoseistheanarchist,"Juansaid"Youknowheisn'thereanymore.Idon'tbelongtoanyparty.Inever hadanythingtodowithpolitics." Theydidn'tanswer.Juanwenton,"Ihaven'tdoneanything.Idon'twanttopayforsomebodyelse." Hislipstrembled.Aguardshuthimupandtookhimaway.Itwasmyturn. "YournameisPabloIbbieta?" "Yes." Themanlookedatthepapersandaskedme"Where'sRamonGris?" "Idon'tknow." "Youhidhiminyourhousefromthe6thtothe19th." "No." Theywroteforaminuteandthentheguardstookmeout.InthecorridorTomandJuanwerewaitingbetween twoguards.Westartedwalking.Tomaskedoneoftheguards,"So?" "Sowhat?"theguardsaid. "Wasthatthecrossexaminationorthesentence?" "Sentence"theguardsaid. "Whataretheygoingtodowithus?" Theguardanswereddryly,"Sentencewillbereadinyourcell."

Asamatteroffact,ourcellwasoneofthehospitalcellars.Itwasterrificallycoldtherebecauseofthedrafts.We shiveredallnightanditwasn'tmuchbetterduringtheday.Ihadspentthepreviousfivedaysinacellina monastery,asortofholeinthewallthatmusthavedatedfromthemiddleages:sincetherewerealotof prisonersandnotmuchroom,theylockedusupanywhere.Ididn'tmissmycell;Ihadn'tsufferedtoomuchfrom thecoldbutIwasalone;afteralongtimeitgetsirritating.InthecellarIhadcompany.Juanhardlyeverspoke:he wasafraidandhewastooyoungtohaveanythingtosay.ButTomwasagoodtalkerandheknewSpanishwell. Therewasabenchinthecellarandfourmats.Whentheytookusbackwesatandwaitedinsilence.Afteralong moment,Tomsaid,"We'rescrewed." "lthinksotoo,"Isaid,"butIdon'tthinkthey'lldoanythingtothekid.". "Theydon'thaveathingagainsthim,"saidTom."He'sthebrotherofamilitiamanandthat'sall." IlookedatJuan:hedidn'tseemtohear.Tomwenton,"YouknowwhattheydoinSaragossa?Theylaythemen downontheroadandrunoverthemwithtrucks.AMoroccandesertertoldusthat.Theysaiditwastosave ammunition." "Itdoesn'tsavegas."Isaid. IwasannoyedatTom:heshouldn'thavesaidthat. "Thenthere'sofficerswalkingalongtheroad,"hewenton,"supervisingitall.Theysticktheirhandsintheir pocketsandsmokecigarettes.Youthinktheyfinishofftheguys?Hellno.Theyletthemscream.Sometimesforan hour.TheMoroccansaidhedamnednearpukedthefirsttime." "Idon'tbelievethey'lldothathere,"Isaid."Unlessthey'rereallyshortonammunition." Daywascominginthroughfourairholesandaroundopeningtheyhadmadeintheceilingontheleft,andyou couldseetheskythroughit.Throughthishole,usuallyclosedbyatrap,theyunloadedcoalintothecellar.Just belowtheholetherewasabigpileofcoaldust:ithadbeenusedtoheatthehospital,butsincethebeginningof thewarthepatientswereevacuatedandthecoalstayedthere,unused;sometimesitevengotrainedonbecause theyhadforgottentoclosethetrap. Tombegantoshiver."GoodJesusChrist,I'mcold,"hesaid."Hereitgoesagain." Hegotupandbegantodoexercises.Ateachmovementhisshirtopenedonhischest,whiteandhairy.Helayon hisback,raisedhislegsintheairandbicycled.Isawhisgreatrumptrembling.Tomwashuskybuthehadtoo muchfat.Ithoughthowrifflebulletsorthesharppointsofbayonetswouldsoonbesunkintothismassoftender fleshasinalumpofbutter.Itwouldn'thavemademefeellikethatifhe'dbeenthin. Iwasn'texactlycold,butIcouldn'tfeelmyarmsandshouldersanymore.SometimesIhadtheimpressionIwas missingsomethingandbegantolookaroundformycoatandthensuddenlyrememberedtheyhadn'tgivenmea coat.Itwasratheruncomfortable.Theytookourclothesandgavethemtotheirsoldiersleavingusonlyourshirts andthosecanvaspantsthathospitalpatientswearinthemiddleofsummer.AfterawhileTomgotupandsatnext tome,breathingheavily. "Warmer?" "GoodChrist,no.ButI'moutofwind."

Aroundeighto'clockintheeveningamajorcameinwithtwofalangistas.Hehadasheetofpaperinhishand.He askedtheguard,"Whatarethenamesofthosethree?" "Steinbock,IbbietaandMirbal,"theguardsaid. Themajorputonhiseyeglassesandscannedthelist:"Steinbock...Steinbock...Ohyes...Youaresentencedtodeath. Youwillbeshottomorrowmorning."Hewentonlooking."Theothertwoaswell." "That'snotpossible,"Juansaid."Notme."Themajorlookedathimamazed."What'syourname?" "JuanMirbal"hesaid. "Wellyournameisthere,"saidthemajor."You'resentenced." "Ididn'tdoanything,"Juansaid. ThemajorshruggedhisshouldersandturnedtoTomandme. "You'reBasque?" "NobodyisBasque." Helookedannoyed."TheytoldmetherewerethreeBasques.I'mnotgoingtowastemytimerunningafterthem. Thennaturallyyoudon'twantapriest?" Wedidn'tevenanswer. Hesaid,"ABelgiandoctoriscomingshortly.Heisauthorizedtospendthenightwithyou."Hemadeamilitary saluteandleft. "WhatdidItellyou,"Tomsaid."Wegetit." "Yes,Isaid,"it'sarottendealforthekid." IsaidthattobedecentbutIdidn'tlikethekid.Hisfacewastoothinandfearandsufferinghaddisfiguredit, twistingallhisfeatures.Threedaysbeforehewasasmartsortofkid,nottoobad;butnowhelookedlikeanold fairyandIthoughthowhe'dneverbeyoungagain,eveniftheyweretolethimgo.Itwouldn'thavebeentoohard tohavealittlepityforhimbutpitydisgustsme,orratherithorrifiesme.Hehadn'tsaidanythingmorebuthehad turnedgrey;hisfaceandhandswerebothgrey.Hesatdownagainandlookedatthegroundwithroundeyes.Tom wasgoodhearted,hewantedtotakehisarm,butthekidtorehimselfawayviolentlyandmadeaface. "Lethimalone,"Isaidinalowvoice,"youcanseehe'sgoingtoblubber." Tomobeyedregretfully:hewouldhavelikedtocomfortthekid,itwouldhavepassedhistimeandhewouldn't havebeentemptedtothinkabouthimself.Butitannoyedme:I'dneverthoughtaboutdeathbecauseIneverhad anyreasonto,butnowthereasonwashereandtherewasnothingtodobutthinkaboutit. Tombegantotalk."Soyouthinkyou'veknockedguysoff,doyou?"heaskedme.Ididn'tanswer.Hebegan explainingtomethathehadknockedoffsixsincethebeginningofAugust;hedidn'trealizethesituationandI couldtellhedidn'twanttorealizeit.Ihadn'tquiterealizeditmyself,Iwonderedifithurtmuch,Ithoughtof bullets,Iimaginedtheirburninghailthroughmybody.Allthatwasbesidetherealquestion;butIwascalm:we

hadallnighttounderstand.AfterawhileTomstoppedtalkingandIwatchedhimoutofthecornerofmyeye;I sawhetoohadturnedgreyandhelookedrotten;Itoldmyself"Nowitstarts."Itwasalmostdark,adimglow filteredthroughtheairholesandthepileofcoalandmadeabigstainbeneaththespotofsky;Icouldalreadysee astarthroughtheholeintheceiling:thenightwouldbepureandicy. Thedooropenedandtwoguardscamein,followedbyablondemaninatanuniform.Hesalutedus."Iamthe doctor,"hesaid."Ihaveauthorizationtohelpyouinthesetryinghours." Hehadanagreeableanddistinguishedvoice.Isaid,"Whatdoyouwanthere?" "Iamatyourdisposal.IshalldoallIcantomakeyourlastmomentslessdifficult." "Whatdidyoucomeherefor?Thereareothers,thehospital'sfullofthem." "Iwassenthere,"heansweredwithavaguelook."Ah!Wouldyouliketosmoke?"headdedhurriedly,"Ihave cigarettesandevencigars." HeofferedusEnglishcigarettesandpuros,butwerefused.Ilookedhimintheeyesandheseemedirritated.Isaid tohim,"Youaren'thereonanerrandofmercy.Besides,Iknowyou.Isawyouwiththefascistsinthebarracks yardthedayIwasarrested." Iwasgoingtocontinue,butsomethingsurprisingsuddenlyhappenedtome;thepresenceofthisdoctornolonger interestedme.GenerallywhenI'monsomebodyIdon'tletgo.Butthedesiretotalkleftmecompletely;Ishrugged andturnedmyeyesaway.AlittlelaterIraisedmyhead;hewaswatchingmecuriously.Theguardsweresittingon amat.Pedro,thetallthinone,wastwiddlinghisthumbs,theothershookhisheadfromtimetotimetokeepfrom fallingasleep. "Doyouwantalight?"Pedrosuddenlyaskedthedoctor.Theothernodded"Yes":Ithinkhewasaboutassmartas alog,buthesurelywasn'tbad.Lookinginhiscoldblueeyesitseemedtomethathisonlysinwaslackof imagination.Pedrowentoutandcamebackwithanoillampwhichhesetonthecornerofthebench.Itgaveabad lightbutitwasbetterthannothing:theyhadleftusinthedarkthenightbefore.ForalongtimeIwatchedthe circleoflightthelampmadeontheceiling.Iwasfascinated.ThensuddenlyIwokeup,thecircleoflight disappearedandIfeltmyselfcrushedunderanenormousweight.Itwasnotthethoughtofdeath,orfear;itwas nameless.Mycheeksburnedandmyheadached. Ishookmyselfandlookedatmytwofriends.Tomhadhiddenhisfaceinhishands.Icouldonlyseethefatwhite napeofhisneck.LittleJuanwastheworst,hismouthwasopenandhisnostrilstrembled.Thedoctorwenttohim andputhishandonhisshouldertocomforthim:buthiseyesstayedcold.ThenIsawtheBelgian'shanddrop stealthilyalongJuan'sarm,downtothewrist.Juanpaidnoattention.TheBelgiantookhiswristbetweenthree fingers,distractedly,thesametimedrawingbackalittleandturninghisbacktome.ButIleanedbackwardand sawhimtakeawatchfromhispocketandlookatitforamoment,neverlettinggoofthewrist.Afteraminutehe letthehandfallinertandwentandleanedhisbackagainstthewall,then,asifhesuddenlyremembered somethingveryimportantwhichhadtobejotteddownonthespot,hetookanotebookfromhispocketand wroteafewlines."Bastard,"Ithoughtangrily,"lethimcomeandtakemypulse.I'llshovemyfistinhisrotten face." Hedidn'tcomebutIfelthimwatchingme.Iraisedmyheadandreturnedhislook.Impersonally,hesaidtome "Doesn'titseemcoldtoyouhere?"Helookedcold,hewasblue.

I'mnotcold,"Itoldhim. Henevertookhishardeyesoffme.SuddenlyIunderstoodandmyhandswenttomyface:Iwasdrenchedin sweat.Inthiscellar,inthemidstofwinter,inthemidstofdrafts,Iwassweating.Iranmyhandsthroughmyhair, gummedtogetherwithperspiration:atthesametimeIsawmyshirtwasdampandstickingtomyskin:Ihadbeen drippingforanhourandhadn'tfeltit.ButthatswineofaBelgianhadn'tmissedathing;hehadseenthedrops rollingdownmycheeksandthought:thisisthemanifestationofanalmostpathologicalstateofterror;andhehad feltnormalandproudofbeingalivebecausehewascold.Iwantedtostandupandsmashhisfacebutnosooner hadImadetheslightestgesturethanmyrageandshamewerewipedout;Ifellbackonthebenchwith indifference. IsatisfiedmyselfbyrubbingmyneckwithmyhandkerchiefbecausenowIfeltthesweatdroppingfrommyhair ontomyneckanditwasunpleasant.Isoongaveuprubbing,itwasuseless;myhandkerchiefwasalreadysoaked andIwasstillsweating.Mybuttocksweresweatingtooandmydamptrousersweregluedtothebench. SuddenlyJuanspoke."You'readoctor?" "Yes,"theBelgiansaid. "Doesithurt...verylong?" "Huh?When...?Oh,no"theBelgiansaidpaternally"Notatall.It'soverquickly."Heactedasthoughhewere calmingacashcustomer. "ButI...theytoldme...sometimestheyhavetofiretwice." "Sometimes,"theBelgiansaid,nodding."Itmayhappenthatthefirstvolleyreachesnovitalorgans." "Thentheyhavetoreloadtheirriflesandaimalloveragain?"Hethoughtforamomentandthenaddedhoarsely, "Thattakestime!" Hehadaterriblefearofsuffering,itwasallhethoughtabout:itwashisage.Ineverthoughtmuchaboutitandit wasn'tfearofsufferingthatmademesweat. Igotupandwalkedtothepileofcoaldust.Tomjumpedupandthrewmeahatefullook:Ihadannoyedhim becausemyshoessqueaked.Iwonderedifmyfacelookedasfrightenedashis:Isawhewassweatingtoo.Thesky wassuperb,nolightfilteredintothedarkcornerandIhadonlytoraisemyheadtoseetheBigDipper.Butit wasn'tlikeithadbeen:thenightbeforeIcouldseeagreatpieceofskyfrommymonasterycellandeachhourof thedaybroughtmeadifferentmemory.Morning,whentheskywasahard,lightblue,Ithoughtofbeachesonthe Atlantic:atnoonIsawthesunandIrememberedabarinSevillewhereIdrankmanzanillaandateolivesand anchovies:afternoonsIwasintheshadeandIthoughtofthedeepshadowwhichspreadsoverhalfabullring leavingtheotherhalfshimmeringinsunlight:itwasreallyhardtoseethewholeworldreflectedintheskylike that.ButnowIcouldwatchtheskyasmuchasIpleased,itnolongerevokedanythingtnme.Ilikedthatbetter.I camebackandsatnearTom.Alongmomentpassed. Tombeganspeakinginalowvoice.Hehadtotalk,withoutthathewouldn'thavebeenablenorecognizehimself inhisownmind.Ithoughthewastalkingtomebuthewasn'tlookingatme.Hewasundoubtedlyafraidtoseeme asIwas,greyandsweating:wewerealikeandworsethanmirrorsofeachother.HewatchedtheBelgian,the living.

"Doyouunderstand?"hesaid."Idon'tunderstand." Ibegantospeakinalowvoicetoo.IwatchedtheBelgian."Why?What'sthematter?" "SomethingisgoingtohappentousthanIcan'tunderstand." TherewasastrangesmellaboutTom.ItseemedtomeIwasmoresensitivethanusualtoodors.Igrinned."You'll understandinawhile." "Itisn'tclear,"hesaidobstinately."IwanttobebravebutfirstIhavetoknow....Listen,they'regoingtotakeus intothecourtyard.Good.They'regoingtostandupinfrontofus.Howmany?" "ldon'tknow.Fiveoreight.Notmore." "Allright.There'llbeeight.Someone'llholler'aim!'andI'llseeeightrifleslookingatme.I'llthinkhowI'dliketoget insidethewall,I'llpushagainstitwithmyback....witheveryounceofstrengthIhave,butthewallwillstay,like inanightmare.Icanimagineallthat.IfyouonlyknewhowwellIcanimagineit." "Allright,allright!"Isaid."Icanimagineittoo." "ltmusthurtlikehell.Youknowtheyaimattheeyesandthemouthtodisfigureyou,"headdedmechanically."I canfeelthewoundsalready.I'vehadpainsinmyheadandinmyneckforthepasthour.Notrealpains.Worse. ThisiswhatI'mgoingtofeeltomorrowmorning.Andthenwhat?" IwellunderstoodwhathemeantbutIdidn'twanttoactasifIdid.Ihadpainstoo,painsinmybodylikeacrowd oftinyscars.Icouldn'tgetusedtoit.ButIwaslikehim.Iattachednoimportancetoit."After,"Isaid."you'llbe pushingupdaisies." Hebegantotalktohimself:heneverstoppedwatchingtheBelgian.TheBelgiandidn'tseemtobelistening.Iknew whathehadcometodo;hewasn'tinterestedinwhatwethought;hecametowatchourbodies,bodiesdyingin agonywhileyetalive. "It'slikeanightmare,"Tomwassaying."Youwanttothinksomething,youalwayshavetheimpressionthatit'sall right,thatyou'regoingtounderstandandthenitslips,itescapesyouandfadesaway.Itellmyselftherewillbe nothingafterwards.ButIdon'tunderstandwhatitmeans.SometimesIalmostcan....andthenitfadesawayandI startthinkingaboutthepainsagain,bullets,explosions.I'mamaterialist,Iswearittoyou;I'mnotgoingcrazy.But something'sthematter.Iseemycorpse;that'snothardbutI'mtheonewhoseesit,withmyeyes.I'vegotto think...thinkthatIwon'tseeanythinganymoreandtheworldwillgoonfortheothers.Wearen'tmadetothink that,Pablo.Believeme:I'vealreadystayedupawholenightwaitingforsomething.Butthisisn'tthesame:thiswill creepupbehindus,Pablo,andwewon'tbeabletoprepareforit." "Shutup,"Isaid,"Doyouwantmetocallapriest?" Hedidn'tanswer.IhadalreadynoticedhehadthetendencytoactlikeaprophetandcallmePablo,speakingina tonelessvoice.Ididn'tlikethat:butitseemsalltheIrisharethatway.Ihadthevagueimpressionhesmelledof urine.Fundamentally,Ihadn'tmuchsympathyforTomandIdidn'tseewhy,underthepretextofdyingtogether,I shouldhaveanymore.Itwouldhavebeendifferentwithsomeothers.WithRamonGris,forexample.ButIfelt alonebetweenTomandJuan.Ilikedthatbetter,anyhow:withRamonImighthavebeenmoredeeplymoved.But IwasterriblyhardjustthenandIwantedtostayhard.

Hekeptonchewinghiswords,withsomethinglikedistraction.Hecertainlytalkedtokeephimselffromthinking. Hesmelledofurinelikeanoldprostatecase.Naturally,Iagreedwithhim.Icouldhavesaideverythinghesaid:it isn'tnaturaltodie.AndsinceIwasgoingtodie,nothingseemednaturaltome,notthispileofcoaldust,orthe bench,orPedro'suglyface.Onlyitdidn'tpleasemetothinkthesamethingsasTom.AndIknewthat,allthrough thenight,everyfiveminutes,wewouldkeeponthinkingthingsatthesametime.Ilookedathimsidewaysandfor thefirsttimeheseemedstrangetome:heworedeathonhisface.Mypridewaswounded:forthepast24hoursI hadlivednexttoTom,Ihadlistenedtohim.IhadspokentohimandIknewwehadnothingincommon.Andnow welookedasmuchalikeastwinbrothers,simplybecauseweweregoingtodietogether.Tomtookmyhand withoutlookingatme. "Pablo.Iwonder...Iwonderifit'sreallytruethateverythingends." Itookmyhandawayandsaid,"Lookbetweenyourfeet,youpig." Therewasabigpuddlebetweenhisfeetanddropsfellfromhispantsleg. "Whatisit,"heasked,frightened. "You'repissinginyourpants,"Itoldhim. "ltisn'ttrue,"hesaidfuriously."I'mnotpissing.I don'tfeelanything." TheBelgianapproachedus.Heaskedwithfalsesolicitude."Doyoufeelill?" Tomdidnotanswer.TheBelgianlookedatthepuddleandsaidnothing. "Idon'tknowwhatitis,"Tomsaidferociously."ButI'mnotafraid.IswearI'mnotafraid." TheBelgiandidnotanswer.Tomgotupandwenttopissinacorner.Hecamebackbuttoninghisfly,andsatdown withoutaword.TheBelgianwastakingnotes. Allthreeofuswatchedhimbecausehewasalive.Hehadthemotionsofalivinghumanbeing,thecaresofaliving humanbeing;heshiveredinthecellarthewaythelivingaresupposedtoshiver;hehadanobedient,wellfed body.Therestofushardlyfeltoursnotinthesamewayanyhow.IwantedtofeelmypantsbetweenmylegsbutI didn'tdare;IwatchedtheBelgian,balancingonhislegs,masterofhismuscles,someonewhocouldthinkabout tomorrow.Therewewere,threebloodlessshadows;wewatchedhimandwesuckedhislifelikevampires. FinallyhewentovertolittleJuan.Didhewanttofeelhisneckforsomeprofessionalmotiveorwasheobeyingan impulseofcharity?Ifhewasactingbycharityitwastheonlytimeduringthewholenight. HecaressedJuan'sheadandneck.Thekidlethimselfbehandled,hiseyesneverleavinghim,thensuddenlyhe seizedthehandandlookedatitstrangely.HeheldtheBelgian'shandbetweenhisowntwohandsandtherewas nothingpleasantaboutthem,twogreypincersgrippingthisfatandreddishhand.Isuspectedwhatwasgoingto happenandTommusthavesuspectedittoo:buttheBelgiandidn'tseeathing,hesmiledpaternally.Aftera momentthekidbroughtthefatredhandtohismouthandtriedtobiteit.TheBelgianpulledawayquicklyand stumbledbackagainstthewall.Forasecondhelookedatuswithhorror,hemusthavesuddenlyunderstoodthat wewerenotmenlikehim.Ibegantolaughandoneoftheguardsjumpedup.Theotherwasasleep,hiswideopen eyeswereblank.

Ifeltrelaxedandoverexcitedatthesametime.Ididn'twanttothinkanymoreaboutwhatwouldhappenat dawn,atdeath.Itmadenosense.Ionlyfoundwordsoremptiness.ButassoonasItriedtothinkofanythingelseI sawriflebarrelspointingatme.PerhapsIlivedthroughmyexecutiontwentytimes;onceIeventhoughtitwasfor good:Imusthavesleptaminute.TheyweredraggingmetothewallandIwasstruggling;Iwasaskingformercy.I wokeupwithastartandlookedattheBelgian:IwasafraidImighthavecriedoutinmysleep.Buthewasstroking hismoustache,hehadn'tnoticedanything.IfIhadwantedto,IthinkIcouldhavesleptawhile;Ihadbeenawake for48hours.Iwasattheendofmyrope.ButIdidn'twanttolosetwohoursoflife;theywouldcometowakeme upatdawn.Iwouldfollowthem,stupefiedwithsleepandIwouldhavecroakedwithoutsomuchasan"Oof!";I didn'twantthat.Ididn'twanttodielikeananimal,Iwantedtounderstand.ThenIwasafraidofhaving nightmares.Igotup,walkedbackandforth,and,tochangemyideas,Ibegantothinkaboutmypastlife.Acrowd ofmemoriescamebacktomepellmell.ThereweregoodandbadonesoratleastIcalledthemthatbefore. Therewerefacesandincidents.IsawthefaceofalittlenovillerowhowasgoredtnValenciaduringtheFeria,the faceofoneofmyuncles,thefaceofRamonGris.Irememberedmywholelife:howIwasoutofworkforthree monthsin1926,howIalmoststarvedtodeath.IrememberedanightIspentonabenchinGranada:Ihadn'teaten forthreedays.Iwasangry,Ididn'twanttodie.Thatmademesmile.HowmadlyIranafterhappiness,after women,afterliberty.Why?IwantedtofreeSpain,IadmiredPiyMargall,Ijoinedtheanarchistmovement,Ispoke inpublicmeetings:ItookeverythingasseriouslyasifIwereimmortal. AtthatmomentIfeltthatIhadmywholelifeinfrontofmeandIthought,"It'sadamnedlie."Itwasworth nothingbecauseitwasfinished.IwonderedhowI'dbeenabletowalk,tolaughwiththegirls:Iwouldn'thave movedsomuchasmylittlefingerifIhadonlyimaginedIwoulddielikethis.Mylifewasinfrontofme,shut, closed,likeabagandyeteverythinginsideofitwasunfinished.ForaninstantItriedtojudgeit.Iwantedtotell myself,thisisabeautifullife.ButIcouldn'tpassjudgmentonit;itwasonlyasketch;Ihadspentmytime counterfeitingeternity,Ihadunderstoodnothing.Imissednothing:thereweresomanythingsIcouldhave missed,thetasteofmanzanillaorthebathsItookinsummerinalittlecreeknearCadiz;butdeathhad disenchantedeverything. TheBelgiansuddenlyhadabrightidea."Myfriends,"hetoldus,"Iwillundertakeifthemilitaryadministration willallowittosendamessageforyou,asouvenirtothosewholoveyou...." Tommumbled,"Idon'thaveanybody." Isaidnothing.Tomwaitedaninstantthenlookedatmewithcuriosity."Youdon'thaveanythingtosayto Concha?" "No." Ihatedthistendercomplicity:itwasmyownfault,IhadtalkedaboutConchathenightbefore.Ishouldhave controlledmyself.Iwaswithherforayear.LastnightIwouldhavegivenanarmtoseeheragainforfiveminutes. ThatwaswhyItalkedabouther,itwasstrongerthanIwas.NowIhadnomoredesiretoseeher,Ihadnothing moretosaytoher.Iwouldnotevenhavewantedtoholdherinmyarms:mybodyfilledmewithhorrorbecauseit wasgreyandsweatingandIwasn'tsurethatherbodydidn'tfillmewithhorror.Conchawouldcrywhenshe foundoutIwasdead,shewouldhavenotasteforlifeformonthsafterward.ButIwasstilltheonewhowasgoing todie.Ithoughtofhersoft,beautifuleyes.Whenshelookedatmesomethingpassedfromhertome.ButIknew itwasover:ifshelookedatmenowthelookwouldstayinhereyes,itwouldn'treachme.Iwasalone. Tomwasalonetoobutnotinthesameway.Sittingcrosslegged,hehadbeguntostareatthebenchwithasortof smile,helookedamazed.Heputouthishandandtouchedthewoodcautiouslyasifhewereafraidofbreaking

something,thendrewbackhishandquicklyandshuddered.IfIhadbeenTomIwouldn'thaveamusedmyselfby touchingthebench;thiswassomemoreIrishnonsense,butItoofoundthatobjectshadafunnylook:theywere moreobliterated,lessdensethanusual.Itwasenoughformetolookatthebench,thelamp,thepileofcoaldust, tofeelthatIwasgoingtodie.NaturallyIcouldn'tthinkclearlyaboutmydeathbutIsawiteverywhere,onthings, inthewaythingsfellbackandkepttheirdistance,discreetly,aspeoplewhospeakquietlyatthebedsideofadying man.ItwashisdeathwhichTomhadjusttouchedonthebench. InthestateIwasin,ifsomeonehadcomeandtoldmeIcouldgohomequietly,thattheywouldleavememylife whole,itwouldhaveleftmecold:severalhoursorseveralyearsofwaitingisallthesamewhenyouhavelostthe illusionofbeingeternal.Iclungtonothing,inawayIwascalm.Butitwasahorriblecalmbecauseofmybody;my body,Isawwithitseyes,Iheardwithitsears,butitwasnolongerme;itsweatedandtrembledbyitselfandI didn'trecognizeitanymore.Ihadtotouchitandlookatittofindoutwhatwashappening,asifitwerethebody ofsomeoneelse.AttimesIcouldstillfeelit,Ifeltsinkings,andfallings,aswhenyou'reinaplanetakinganose dive,orIfeltmyheartbeating.Butthatdidn'treassureme.Everythingthatcamefrommybodywasallcockeyed. MostofthetimeitwasquietandIfeltnomorethanasortofweight,afilthypresenceagainstme;Ihadthe impressionofbeingtiedtoanenormousvermin.OnceIfeltmypantsandIfelttheyweredamp;Ididn'tknow whetheritwassweatorurine,butIwenttopissonthecoalpileasaprecaution. TheBelgiantookouthiswatch,lookedatit.Hesaid,"Itisthreethirty." Bastard!Hemusthavedoneitonpurpose.Tomjumped;wehadn'tnoticedtimewasrunningout;night surroundeduslikeashapeless,sombermass.Icouldn'tevenrememberthatithadbegun. LittleJuanbegantocry.Hewrunghishands,pleaded,"Idon'twanttodie.Idon'twanttodie." Heranacrossthewholecellarwavinghisarmsintheairthenfellsobbingononeofthemats.Tomwatchedhim withmournfuleyes,withouttheslightestdesiretoconsolehim.Becauseitwasn'tworththetrouble:thekidmade morenoisethanwedid,buthewaslesstouched:hewaslikeasickmanwhodefendshimselfagainsthisillnessby fever.It'smuchmoreseriouswhenthereisn'tanyfever. Hewept:Icouldclearlyseehewaspityinghimself;hewasn'tthinkingaboutdeath.Foronesecond,onesingle second,Iwantedtoweepmyself,toweepwithpityformyself.Buttheoppositehappened:Iglancedatthekid,I sawhisthinsobbingshouldersandIfeltinhuman:Icouldpityneithertheothersnormyself.Isaidtomyself,"I wanttodiecleanly." Tomhadgottenup,heplacedhimselfjustundertheroundopeningandbegantowatchfordaylight.Iwas determinedtodiecleanlyandIonlythoughtofthat.Buteversincethedoctortoldusthetime,Ifelttimeflying, flowingawaydropbydrop. ItwasstilldarkwhenIheardTom'svoice:"Doyouhearthem?" Menweremarchinginthecourtyard. "Yes." "Whatthehellaretheydoing?Theycan'tshootinthedark." Afterawhileweheardnomore.IsaidtoTom,"It'sday." Pedrogotup,yawning,andcametoblowoutthelamp.Hesaidtohisbuddy,"Coldashell."

Thecellarwasallgrey.Weheardshotsinthedistance. "It'sstarting,"ItoldTom."Theymustdoitinthecourtintherear." Tomaskedthedoctorforacigarette.Ididn'twantone;Ididn'twantcigarettesoralcohol.Fromthatmomenton theydidn'tstopfiring. "Doyourealizewhat'shappening,"Tomsaid. Hewantedtoaddsomethingbutkeptquiet,watchingthedoor.Thedooropenedandalieutenantcameinwith foursoldiers.Tomdroppedhiscigarette. "Steinbock?" Tomdidn'tanswer.Pedropointedhimout. "JuanMirbal?" "Onthemat." "Getup,"thelieutenantsaid. Juandidnotmove.Twosoldierstookhimunderthearmsandsethimonhisfeet.Buthefellassoonasthey releasedhim. Thesoldiershesitated. "He'snotthefirstsickone,"saidthelieutenant."Youtwocarryhim:they'llfixitupdownthere." HeturnedtoTom."Let'sgo." Tomwentoutbetweentwosoldiers.Twoothersfollowed,carryingthekidbythearmpits.Hehadn'tfainted;his eyeswerewideopenandtearsrandownhischeeks.WhenIwantedtogooutthelieutenantstoppedme. "YouIbbieta?" "Yes." "Youwaithere:they'llcomeforyoulater." Theyleft.TheBelgianandthetwojailerslefttoo,Iwasalone.Ididnotunderstandwhatwashappeningtomebut Iwouldhavelikeditbetteriftheyhadgottenitoverwithrightaway.Iheardshotsatalmostregularintervals;I shookwitheachoneofthem.Iwantedtoscreamandtearoutmyhair.ButIgrittedmyteethandpushedmy handsinmypocketsbecauseIwantedtostayclean. Afteranhourtheycametogetmeandledmetothefirstfloor,toasmallroomthatsmeltofcigarsandwherethe heatwasstifling.Thereweretwoofficerssittingsmokinginthearmchairs,papersontheirknees. "You'reIbbieta?" "Yes."

"WhereisRamonGris?" "ldon'tknow." Theonequestioningmewasshortandfat.Hiseyeswerehardbehindhisglasses.Hesaidtome,"Comehere." Iwenttohim.Hegotupandtookmyarms,staringatmewithalookthatshouldhavepushedmeintotheearth. Atthesametimehepinchedmybicepswithallhismight.Itwasn'ttohurtme,itwasonlyagame:hewantedto dominateme.Healsothoughthehadtoblowhisstinkingbreathsquareinmyface.Westayedforamomentlike that,andIalmostfeltlikelaughing.Ittakesalottointimidateamanwhoisgoingtodie;itdidn'twork.Hepushed mebackviolentlyandsatdownagain.Hesaid,"It'shislifeagainstyours.Youcanhaveyoursifyoutelluswherehe is." Thesemendolledupwiththeirridingcropsandbootswerestillgoingtodie.AlittlelaterthanI,butnottoomuch. Theybusiedthemselveslookingfornamesintheircrumpledpapers,theyranafterothermentoimprisonor suppressthem:theyhadopinionsonthefutureofSpainandonothersubjects.Theirlittleactivitiesseemed shockingandburlesquedtome;Icouldn'tputmyselfintheirplace.Ithoughttheywereinsane.Thelittlemanwas stilllookingatme,whippinghisbootswiththeridingcrop.Allhisgestureswerecalculatedtogivehimthelookofa liveandferociousbeast. "So?Youunderstand?" Idon'tknowwhereGrisis,"Ianswered."IthoughthewasinMadrid." Theotherofficerraisedhispalehandindolently.Thisindolencewasalsocalculated.Isawthroughalltheirlittle schemesandIwasstupefiedtofindthereweremenwhoamusedthemselvesthatway. "Youhaveaquarterofanhourtothinkitover,"hesaidslowly."Takehimtothelaundry,bringhimbackinfifteen minutes.Ifhestillrefuseshewillheexecutedonthespot." Theyknewwhattheyweredoing:Ihadpassedthenightinwaiting;thentheyhadmademewaitanhourinthe cellarwhiletheyshotTomandJuanandnowtheywerelockingmeupinthelaundry;theymusthaveprepared theirgamethenightbefore.Theytoldthemselvesthatnerveseventuallywearoutandtheyhopedtogetmethat way. Theywerebadlymistaken.InthelaundryIsatonastoolbecauseIfeltveryweakandIbegantothink.Butnot abouttheirproposition.OfcourseIknewwhereGriswas;hewashidingwithhiscousins,fourkilometersfromthe city.IalsoknewthatIwouldnotrevealhishidingplaceunlesstheytorturedme(buttheydidn'tseemtobe thinkingaboutthat).Allthatwasperfectlyregulated,definiteandinnowayinterestedme.OnlyIwouldhaveliked tounderstandthereasonsformyconduct.IwouldratherdiethangiveupGris.Why?Ididn'tlikeRamonGrisany more.MyfriendshipforhimhaddiedalittlewhilebeforedawnatthesametimeasmyloveforConcha,atthe sametimeasmydesiretolive.UndoubtedlyIthoughthighlyofhim:hewastough.Butitwasnotforthisreason thatIconsentedtodieinhisplace;hislifehadnomorevaluethanmine;nolifehadvalue.Theyweregoingtoslap amanupagainstawallandshootathimtillhedied,whetheritwasIorGrisorsomebodyelsemadeno difference.IknewhewasmoreusefulthanItothecauseofSpainbutIthoughttohellwithSpainandanarchy; nothingwasimportant.YetIwasthere,IcouldsavemyskinandgiveupGrisandIrefusedtodoit.Ifoundthat somehowcomic;itwasobstinacy.Ithought,"Imustbestubborn!"Andadrollsortofgaietyspreadoverme.

Theycameformeandbroughtmebacktothetwoofficers.Aratranoutfromundermyfeetandthatamusedme. Iturnedtooneofthefalangistasandsaid,"Didyouseetherat?" Hedidn'tanswer.Hewasverysober,hetookhimselfseriously.IwantedtolaughbutIheldmyselfbackbecauseI wasafraidthatonceIgotstartedIwouldn'tbeabletostop.Thefalangistahadamoustache.Isaidtohimagain, "Yououghttoshaveoffyourmoustache,idiot."Ithoughtitfunnythathewouldletthehairsofhislivingbeing invadehisface.HekickedmewithoutgreatconvictionandIkeptquiet. "Well,"saidthefatofficer,"haveyouthoughtaboutit?" Ilookedatthemwithcuriosity,asinsectsofaveryrarespecies.Itoldthem,"Iknowwhereheis.Heishiddenin thecemetery.Inavaultorinthegravediggers'shack." Itwasafarce.Iwantedtoseethemstandup,buckletheirbeltsandgiveordersbusily. Theyjumpedtotheirfeet."Let'sgo.Mols,gogetfifteenmenfromLieutenantLopez.You,"thefatmansaid, "I'llletyouoffifyou'retellingthetruth,butit'llcostyouplentyifyou'remakingmonkeysoutofus." "TheyleftinagreatclatterandIwaitedpeacefullyundertheguardoffalangistas.FromtimetotimeIsmiled, thinkingaboutthespectacletheywouldmake.Ifeltstunnedandmalicious.Iimaginedthemliftinguptombstones, openingthedoorsofthevaultsonebyone.IrepresentedthissituationtomyselfasifIhadbeensomeoneelse: thisprisonerobstinatelyplayingthehero,thesegrimfalangistaswiththeirmoustachesandtheirmeninuniform runningamongthegraves;itwasirresistiblyfunny.Afterhalfanhourthelittlefatmancamebackalone.Ithought hehadcometogivetheorderstoexecuteme.Theothersmusthavestayedinthecemetery. Theofficerlookedatme.Hedidn'tlookatallsheepish."Takehimintothebigcourtyardwiththeothers,"hesaid. "Afterthemilitaryoperationsaregularcourtwilldecidewhathappenstohim." "Thenthey'renot...notgoingtoshootme?..." "Notnow,anyway.Whathappensafterwardsisnoneofmybusiness." Istilldidn'tunderstand.Iasked,"Butwhy...?" Heshruggedhisshoulderswithoutansweringandthesoldierstookmeaway.Inthebigcourtyardtherewere aboutahundredprisoners,women,childrenandafewoldmen.Ibeganwalkingaroundthecentralgrassplot,I wasstupefied.Atnoontheyletuseatinthemesshall.Twoorthreepeoplequestionedme.Imusthaveknown them,butIdidn'tanswer:Ididn'tevenknowwhereIwas. Aroundeveningtheypushedabouttennewprisonersintothecourt.IrecognizedGarcia,thebaker.Hesaid, "Whatdamnedluckyouhave!Ididn'tthinkI'dseeyoualive." "Theysentencedmetodeath,"Isaid,"andthentheychangedtheirminds.Idon'tknowwhy." "Theyarrestedmeattwoo'clock,"Garciasaid. "Why?"Garciahadnothingtodowithpolitics. "Idon'tknow,"hesaid."Theyarresteverybodywhodoesn'tthinkthewaytheydo."Heloweredhisvoice."They gotGris."

Ibegantotremble."When?" "Thismorning.Hemesseditup.Helefthiscousin'sonTuesdaybecausetheyhadanargument.Therewereplenty ofpeopletohidehimbuthedidn'twanttooweanythingtoanybody.Hesaid,'I'dgoandhideinIbbieta'splace, buttheygothim,soI'llgohideinthecemetery.'" "Inthecemetery?" "Yes.Whatafool.Ofcoursetheywentbytherethismorning,thatwassuretohappen.Theyfoundhiminthe gravediggers'shack.Heshotatthemandtheygothim." "Inthecemetery!" EverythingbegantospinandIfoundmyselfsittingontheground:IlaughedsohardIcried...