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</i>
<i>The TV clicks off, and now there’s a camera angle. I dunno what the hell we were
looking at during the theme song. Anyhoo, hi, it’s great to be back. It’s been and a while,
and I’d just--</i>
<b>Chuck Norris:</b> Dude. WTF. I’m the one on camera, remember? Stop rambling
and let me “do my thang.”
<i>The apparently fresh-turned gangsta Chuck Norris is, indeed, sitting on his $20,000
snakeskin recliner that he purchased while rescuing endangered parrots from crossfire in
the Alamo.</i>
<i>Stop it.</i>
<b>Norris:</b> Kay.
<i> So! Why are we watching Chuck Norris in the middle of a Miko promo, you ask?</i>
<i>Yes, you with the Hulk Hogan skin-colored beard of disfranchisement. Answer
now.</i>
<b>Norris:</b> You’re all watching me banter with the narrator to prove a point!
<b>Norris:</b> Yess! Two more gold stars and I get a free trip to Dairy Queen. Those
who actually understand this business already know why I should be here. As for those
who do not… well… you’ll find out… You’ll find out… find out…. Out… …
<i>…</i>
<b>Norris:</b> “Insaner” isn’t a word, but I know what you mean by it. It’s like saying
“underwhelming.” Same idea.
<b>Norris:</b> Oh, no, I know that. I meant they both carry the same idea—
<i>No, they don’t! If two words have entirely separate meanings – which these two
words do – then they can’t possibly carry the same idea!</i>
<b>Norris:</b> Let me finish, let me finish! I know that. What I meant was—
<b>Norris:</b> But—
<b>Norris:</b> --
<i>Nope!</i>
<i>That’s better.</i>
<i>Finally, Miko walks in! I can finally take a narrative, as opposed to a dialogical, role!
Cory_Chaos does not know that word!</i>
<i>Indeed.</i>
<i>The narrator returns to narrating. But for how long – or short – is anyone’s guess.
Spooky fingers!</i>
<b>Norris:</b> Don’t cry. It’s in your Bio section. On the FPV Board.
<b>Norris:</b> But we’ve done that a million times. In fact, that’s like all we ever do.
<b>Norris:</b> …Where…. Where have you been all this time, anyway?
<i>The song “At Zanarkand” plays in the background, as Miko looks off the cliff toward
the ruined city.</i>
It was a cold day. I had been running for miles. They were after me, and I didn’t
know where to turn. It had just been too much pressure. Why did they need me? What
was so important that they had to interrupt my candlelight dinner at the Roxwell? She
was indiscriminate that night. It was great. But then.. they came.
The Followers.
I had heard of their endeavors over the last several months, but only until recently
had it occurred to me what they would do in my life. Could they destroy my entire being?
Moreover, who were they “Following”? In only a matter of moments, everything would
change. As they followed me, I realized that I was “The Leader,” as it were. It finally
made sense.
I stopped running – mostly because there was a fence in front of me, and my foot
had been transmogrified into a turtle-shaped pie. You mix the two slowest things in the
world together, and you get turtle-shaped pie. So, I turned around and yelled at them.
“Hey! This doesn’t make any sense!”
Raul, the burly man wearing red overalls, tackled me. I had left myself open for
business, if you will.
The second, and most important man in the business, Phil, had an opportunity of a
lifetime.
Everything blurred into white. What happened next will make even less sense
than this.
------------------------------------------------
<b>CHAPTER 2</b>
I awoke. Everything seemed very Japan-ish. The grass was green and not
lawnmowed, and Hello Kitty was pooping over by the trees. Some ***hat in a fedora was
standing over me, asking inane things like, “Are you all right?” and “What’s your name,
son?” ****ing annoying.
I kicked up to my feet and looked around. Hello Kitty was still pooping. This had
to be Japan. “Where am I?” I inquired.
“Taiwan,” he answered.
Oh. I was close.
“Despite my total ignorance to both the geography and culture of this nation,” I
continued, “could you be a bit more specific?”
“Nope.”
And then he ran away. I was on my own. The whole situation was taxing on my
brain, but I knew it would go away. I just needed some anthrax, or maybe Advil. Or
gonorrhea.
Wait, did I already make a gonorrhea joke in this promo?
<b>CHAPTER 3</b>
As I made my way inside, Vince McMahon greeted me at the door. I didn’t expect
that, but I figured his doorman had just been fired. Or he was on his way out.
“Hey, Vince,” I whispered as I passed.
“Not now,” he cried out at the top of his lungs, “I’m on my way to the movies!”
<b>CHAPTER 4</b>
“Garfield: The Movie.” Why, in the deep blue hell of the worldly potcooking, did
I ever agree to go see “Garfield: The Movie” with Vincent McMahon?
“Hey,” Vince corrected me, “Why are you typing your story in the middle of the
movie? Eat your popcorn. Oh, and it’s Vincent <i>Kennedy</i> McMahon.” I obliged,
and enjoyed the rest of the movie.
As we left the theater, I finally mustered the gumption to ask him something.
“Mr. McMahon, sir,” I began. He turned and looked at me, giving an expression
of pure ecstasy. It was one of the most frightening moments of my life. For some reason,
he wouldn’t say a thing, so I simply went ahead with my question.
“What’s the point of kayfabe?” I gulped. His ecstasy wore off, and was swiftly
replaced by thoughtfulness. Emotions are easily changeable.
“Well, my boy,” he grumbled as he looked to the sky, “the business wouldn’t
make sense if people thought that it wasn’t competitive.”
“But they already think that, Vince.”
<b>CHAPTER 5</b>
<b>THE END</b>
<b>Chuck:</b> That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. By the way, while you were
rambling, some guy started making fun of you on TV. On <i>wrestling</i> TV, no less.
<i>A bull runs through the room, crashes into a locker, and falls over, dead.</i>
<b>Miko:</b> That was unnecessary. I figure I’ll beat the guy that’s mocking me. I’ll
take the Number One Contendership from him.
<b>Chuck:</b> I don’t know if he already has it or not. I think it might simply be up for
grabs.
<b>Miko:</b> Oh. That’s weird as hell. Why would he challenge me to a match, then?
<b>Chuck:</b> He didn’t.
<b>Miko:</b> …Oh. Okay then. Hey, want a bologna sandwich?
<b>Freakazoid:</b> DO I!!!!!
<b>Freakazoid:</b> Man, that was one good bologna sandwich. Hey, Miko, remember
that time I trained you to be a wrestler?
<b>Miko:</b> That makes sense. Sure, we’ll go with that. It’ll add an interesting element
to my character.
<b>All:</b> LIGHTNING!!!!!
<i><b>CAMERA FADE</b></i>