Practical Book Review One: James Petersen

By Jason Locke Student ID: 22899580

Presented to Dr. Max Mills In partial fulfillment of the requirements of Introduction to Pastoral Counseling PACO 500

Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary Lynchburg, VA April 17, 2011

Petersen, Dr. James C. 2007. Why don't we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships. Portland: Petersen Publications. HEY! Summation of Book Jim Petersons book outlines a very practical and often simplistic way on how to become a better listener. His method of sharing turns and even employing a card with the roles that the talker and the listener must employ makes it at times even like a game (Petersen 2007, 51). In his discussion on how people communicate he divides it into three parts: First is the stomach consisting of the emotions or feelings. Second is the heart which when operating properly considers many possibilities. Third is the head which processes the thinking and logical functions (Ibid., 11-12). Peterson uses these functions to show that when the stomach is full of the emotions it swells and pushes the heart that in turn makes the brain go flat. A principle Peterson refers to as flat brain syndrome (Ibid., 25). When one enters this condition the person must be allowed to get these emotions out and to return to a state of correct thinking. Peterson takes the reader on a journey to show that the art of listening involves more than hearing. The idea of the roles that people play being the listener and talker help the communication process to be effective and avoid the flat brain tango (Ibid., 33-37). Peterson first outlines for the reader the role that the talker will play in the scenario. The talker is the one that owns the problem first and foremost (Ibid., 70). It is this persons problem and they will be the ones to work it out. They do this by achieving two goals first there is sharing of thoughts and feelings (Ibid., 77,80). All of this is to be accomplished without attacking, accusing, labeling, or judging. In other words, the problem is not

someone elses fault and your feelings and emotions are not dictated by someone else (Ibid., 89-91). Peterson then focuses upon the most crucial role in this exchange, that of the listener and the part that they will play. The most crucial role that they play is that they are not the owner of the problem and they are not responsible to solve it (Ibid., 75). Peterson makes the point that this is tricky because the tendency is to take ownership (Ibid.). Peterson outlines several listening techniques in chapter eighteen. The art of listening is one that has to be worked at and one that has goals as well. First there is the providing of a safe place for the talker to share his/her feelings. Second, is to understand the talker. Third there is the art of clarifying the problem for the talker (Ibid., 92-101). Peterson concludes the book by describing different types of situations of listening that would be more specialized like suicide situations (Ibid., 176). He also discusses how to apply the techniques in group settings and how to use it in the moderating of two others in conversation. Peterson relies upon the concept of good listening and talking skills in order to communicate effectively. YOU! My Reflections This book reminded me of exactly how much I like to win in conversations. I remember in high school I learned the art of debating. I had a friend whom I used to debate all the time. In many cases we would agree on the topic but purposefully chose opposite sides just to see if we could argue the points successfully. Peterson reminded me that this is never good in communication. I have found myself trying to win conversations with my wife. The quote In relationships someone winning most often makes everyone a loser

(Ibid., 39) really got me thinking. The goal in communication should not be me winning the conversation because I talk better. I can remember a recent argument that was started where each of us became flat brained and entered the tango. Each of us fired some really hurtful things toward the other and allowed it to escalate to the point that she told me to move out if I really felt that way. When we calmed I could see that I had allowed her emotions to affect the way I heard things. She was making the point that if I felt that way or wanted to act like a junior higher then I should move out. I heard move out. Peterson showed me that this is a real problem with me and one that I need to work on. The book also reminded me that I often do not really listen but instead hear and work out my response to what I hear. It all stems from my wanting to debate. I remember one situation that a friend was telling me something and I was so busy working on a response I totally missed his point of asking me to forgive his inconsiderate attitude. The book has opened my eyes to many of my shortcomings that I need to work on. LOOK! My Investigation One of the most insightful parts of this book was the description of the flat brain syndrome and the flat brain tango that I have personally experienced. In reading this book I have gained so many insights to how this has led to so many confrontations in my marriage. It also really relates to the Hawkins model of concentric circles. One of the foundational circles deals with how one thinks and the emotions that one has. This in turn affects the body that in turn relates to everyone around them (Hawkins, PPT). In Petersons book he outlines that how one thinks and reacts (emotions and feelings) determines how one relates to the world around them (Peterson, 34). In recognizing how to stop the tango

one can move into getting at the core of the problem. I often go about it all backwards by not allowing someone to tell me their feelings but by probing till they tell me. This puts the other person at odds because they have not been heard but manipulated. Another point that really got my attention was realizing that I indeed am more interested in my own point of view (Ibid., 41). This also got me to thinking about Hawkins concentric circles. That indeed I allow this philosophy to dominate, then my relationships will be superficial and I will not allow the Holy Spirit to rule and guide my life (Hawking, PPT). It also brought to mind Rices view of self in that when I only concentrate upon my opinions it affects the relationships that I have with family and friends (Rice, PPT). The use of the TLC (Talker/Listener Card) helps to keep the focus balanced upon developing a great selfassessment. It helps one to see areas that in these roles need to be worked on by individuals so that they can become better talkers and listeners. In the area of listening, by mastering the skills one becomes more Christ like by allowing the other person to share deep concerns and work through their problem. DO! The most crucial element after reading a book like this is the practical application that one would start to incorporate into their life. I am committed to listen more and talk less. I often get caught up in the idea that my thoughts are somehow more important than those that I am listening to. Peterson said that one should listen first and for longer periods of time and then talk (125). I also realized after reading this book that I can sometimes become the ritual listener and just be looking for a spot where I can jump in and give my opinion instead of really listen to the person talking (115-116). My personality blend that most people see is that of D/C Dominant and Competent (7 DISC). My wife has told me,

that I can come off as being to haughty, which goes right along with my personality type. Others do look to me for my knowledge but I have to come up with ways that I can deliver this knowledge without becoming conceited. Peterson has given me methods that I will employ to become a better listener. I will use the skills that are outlined in chapter eighteen to improve my ability to listen. I will practice one or two ideas and work on incorporating those into my life and then proceed on to others. I one day hope to be doing prison/jail ministry as my context and my ability to listen is going to be crucial. One of the areas that I need to incorporate first is my ability to repeat accurately what the other person is trying to convey and be less domineering. I have a tendency to take what others say and rephrase it with my twist (128). Peterson has helped me to realize that most people simply need a sounding board to bounce ideas off. Most people can figure out how to solve their problems. Another area that I need to incorporate is being more direct with my words and thoughts. The concept of decoding that Peterson talks about is one that I have to work at (144). I often do not convey exactly what I mean and do not clarify my intentions clearly. My wife is the most logical person to help me in most of these areas that I have mentioned. She has the inside look at what is really going on and can help me to see when I am being too aggressive or too aloof and not clarifying my thoughts.