Escolar Documentos
Profissional Documentos
Cultura Documentos
STUDENT GOVERNMENT
CRIME
New SGA President Ashish Gandhi hosts rally on quad to consolidate political power and rally Emory school spirit.
AWARD
Whats the problem if we skim a little off the top? We are just sharing the wealth, is all. Its called democracy for Petes sake.
Charles Magnuson, Spoke writer and Emory student
The DPRK is seeking media partners that uphold similar values in journalism.
Ri Chun-hee, broadcaster from Korean Central Television
age that lies within the eyes of our Fearless Leader. Death to the bourgeoisie, death to the West. Long live the workers of the world and their humble servant, Kim Jong Un. The award itself is said to be a large tapestry featuring Kim Jong Il forcibly and passionately caressing Bill Clintons penis. Due to limitations in North Korean infrastructure, the award isnt expected to arrive until late
The Wheel has confirmed that it will accept the rape tapestry from North Korea, a country often described as a terrorist regime, claiming that the publication represents a diverse set of views on campus and denial of such an award would be unrepresentative of the Wheels ethical policies. This is the Emory Wheels first award in journalism since 1999.
been seen going to class wearing minks, top hats, and monocles; clearly unabashed by their unseemly corruption. Spoke writer Charles Magnuson is quoted as saying, Emory students are so rich, whats the problem if we skim a little off the top? We are just sharing the wealth, is all. ... Its called democracy for Petes sake. Yet other students did not seem as amused. Elizabeth Vanderbelt III remarked, With the money my daddy pays to send me here I could go on a shopping spree in New York. It is not right for these hooligans to be extorting the university in this way. Emory students Martin Krafft, Gabriel Nahmias, and Lawrence Balanovsky are being held for questioning under allegations of embezzlement, corruption, prostitution, drug trafficking, and breaking the RICO act. A grand jury is expected to deliver charges within the week.
POLICE RECORD
On April 18th at around 2 a.m. EPD officers responded to a complaint from the housing director of 15 Eagle Row, the address of Beta Theta Pi, who said there was the odor of marijuana coming from the second floor of the house. Officers examined the house but the inhabitants had cleverly disguised the odor with clouds of lemon-scented Lysol spray. The officers returned to the police station, disappointed. EPD officers responded to an indecent exposure call on April 25th at 7 p.m. in the Woodruff Library. The student, officers said, was feverishly masturbating on the 7th floor Stacks whilst reading a book of 18th century Russian short stories. Officers demanded that he cease his hand to gland combat, but the student refused. The commanding officer brandished his electroshock weapon and attempted to subjugate the student. But before the officers could bring him under arrest, the student had managed to finish. The short story he was reading, that is. You sick fucks. On April 21st at around 3 p.m., EPD received a call about a suspicious individual seen sitting behind the tennis courts during a womens tennis match. The responding officers described the individual as obviously deranged and slightly unshaven. The suspect attempted to avoid arrest by showing officers his Emory card identification and swearing he was just a fan, but the officers ignored his obvious ruse and proceeded to bludgeon him into submission. Officers later stated that theres was way someone would willingly watch a tennis match unless, of course they were a sexual deviant. The suspect was held without bail. Officers responded to a report of an assault taking place in front of the Cox Dining Hall on April 22nd at around 2 p.m. Lord James W. Dooley, 153, and his bodyguards were seen savagely stabbing a student who had been wearing a Dooley costume. One of James Dooleys bodyguards loudly read from a piece of paper, stating, Bitch, this is the last time youll be stealing my swagger. EMS was the first on the scene, but the medics refused to treat the victim after they removed his mask and saw that he was that dick who takes the elevator in the library to go down a floor instead of just taking the stairs. Dooley was later given a life sentence for the crime, but was immediately released because he isnt alive.
Sunday
Event: Twilight Book Club Time: 6:00 p.m. Location: Drainage pipe under Woodruff Library Event: Protect Your Wealth Time: 5:30 p.m. Location: Miller-Ward Alumni House Event: The Inter Faith EverLoving Joy in Jesus Annual Concert Time: 7:00 p.m. Location: Cannon Chapel Event: Women and the Endless Oppression by the Male Species Time: 8:00 p.m. Location: Woodruff Library, Joseph W. Jones Room Event: Young Tea Partiers Time: 4:00 p.m. Location: Emory School of Law, Gambrel Hall
Tuesday
Event: Silent Auction to Benefit Emorys Hellls Angels Chapter Time: 6:00 p.m. Location: Jones Room, Woodruff Library 311
Event: Funk Dancing for SelfDefense Time: 3:00 p.m. Location: Candler Library 212
Saturday
Wednesday
Event: Wonderful Wednesday Acid Test Time: 11:00 a.m. Location: Asbury Circle Lecture: Bro Culture in Stalinist Russia Time 3:00 p.m. Location: Center For Ethics 103
Lecture: Justifying Your Ancient Mediterranean Studies Degrees to Your Parents Time: 4:30 p.m. Location: Bowden 210 Lecture: Justifying Your Business Degree to Your Youthful Optimism Time: 5:30 p.m. Location: Bowden 210 Lecture: Jazz Studies: Cool Major, or the Coolest Major? Time: 5:00 p.m. Location: Schwartz Black Box Room Event: Ad Hominem Attacks: Co-Sponsored by Young Democrats and Young Republicans Time: 2:00 p.m. Location: McDonough Field Event: Checking Out Chads/ Brians/Johns Wicked New Piece Time: Location: Eagle Row
Thursday
Event: Beheadings Time: 12:00 p.m. Location: Asbury Circle Event: Screening of Your Pretentious Roommates Number One Favorite French New-Wave Film Time: 7:00 p.m. Location: White Hall 207
Monday
Event: The Most Important Talk Ever Time: 7:30 p.m. Location: Philosophy Department, Room 206
Friday
Event: Candlelight Vigil for the Einsteins in the DUC Time: 8:00 p.m. Location: Quadrangle
Aditional Writers
Austin Im So Gay I Bought You a Rainbow Flag Causey Sam Pedo Rothschild Sabrina Bear Bernstein
LETTERS
Newts Tips for Emory Students: A How-To Guide for Seducing Your Teachers, Leaving Them with Cancer, and Still Making a Bid for President of the United States
Hello fellow Americans, my dear Emory students, In the process of trying to decide who is more awesome, Jesus, or me, Newt Gingrich, you might ask yourself the question: How do I get me a professor or teacher in bed? I not only lost my virginity to my high-school geometry teacher but married her, and then left her for another woman while she was dying of you guessed it, CANCER! Take that, all those kids who used to make fun of me for looking like a toad. I remember that first day I met her. I was 16. Ah that day was beautiful. I was sitting at my desk in the back corner of the room, devising my plan for world domination, as this well-endowed young woman, aged 23, walked in. Her hair was flowing and her dress hugged her body. Having just recently passed through puberty, I had some difficulty controlling myself a challenge that I still have to struggle with. I just love Americans, and how can anybody be OK with just one when theyre all so delectable?! I wrote anonymous poems of infatuation to her every day, describing her as my lovely Josephine and promising her a future in which I will be able to reject publically the existence of select ethnic groups. It was a beautiful day in April when I decided to profess my love to Mrs. Battley, or Jackie-poo. I had written a book of poetry for her about core conservative values, and constructed an altar by that time, next to my secret Catholic altar to Jesus, where I conduct the Eucharist every Sunday while sacrificing a baby goat. I had to keep this all a secret from my evil Lutheran family. Next to my Jesus wafers, I kept my Jackie wafers, which I also ate every weekend, if you know what I mean. I informed her of my love, my desire to subjugate her to a traditional patriarchal marriage, and have many children with her. I also informed her that if she would be diagnosed with cancer I would have to leave her. That night she came over to my house and took of her tan raincoat under which was very provocative lingerie. It was just beautiful the way her midsection draped over the black strap of her panties She pushed me onto the couch and we made sweet love. In the traditional Gingrich fashion, I proceeded to blackmail her into marriage. One year later we conceived our first daughter, listening to Conway Twitty, and I began attending your fine institution of higher learning, Emory. What they dont tell you about my Emory days is my status as Newt the Tank or Mr. SixPack. The lame-street media only reports on my pot-smoking days at Tulane, when in Emory I also took acid and engaged in massive orgies while my wife sat at home with the baby, like any good woman You all know the story after that: all the tail I chased, all the scandals I survived, and all of the virgins I sacrificed. Remember this: professors and teachers, especially the single ones, are all very lonely. Any prospect of returning back to their sexual past is fair game for them. Therefore, all you do is provide them with ample evidence of your sexual interest in them. As hungry lions walking into a cave filled with little baby antelope, they will be blinded by carnal desire. And then you pounce on them. Newt Gingrich, Proud Emory Alum
SPOTLIGHT
If a bro coughs silently after a deep bong rip, or maybe doesnt quite make twenty seconds on a keg stand, well, thats okay. Were only human, or slightly more than, after all.
Anonymous fraternity brother
time what its like to speak in a voice louder than a whisper. Speaking with the Well on the condition that he remain anonymous, a current member of ZBT said that the brotherhood was also in chaos right now. He said that some brothers, attempting to re-locate and affirm their own identities, were meditating silently or consulting the great works of Thoreau and Emerson, while others were making discreet attempts to join other, less sissy frats. If a bro coughs silently after a deep bong rip, or maybe doesnt quite make twenty seconds on a keg stand, well, thats okay. Were only human, or slightly more than, after all. But for a brother to fail to shotgun a single, 8 oz. Natty Ice Light is simply horrific. I chugged a 40 this morning, the brother concluded. Ill
formed. Though Harolds specific punishments have not been revealed, community members have reported seeing him walking around shirtless and squinting, a certain indication that his standard-issue neon Ray-Bans and fruity tank tops have been confiscated. Professor Greyson of the Anthropology department is sure that the discipline will not end there, however. Within primitive societies like Greek fraternities, he says it is useful to think of deviant members as owing a debt to their communities, a debt typically paid off in pain. He thinks that an examination of Harolds legs and buttocks would probably reveal numerous wounds and injuries, perhaps punctures from the hooks by which he was suspended from the basement ceiling while brothers took turns ejaculating in his face.
ANOTHER SPOTLIGHT
ACADEMICS
study teams tend to be composed of a scribe and an oracle. The scribes tend to be very focused, and will come prepared with flawless lecture notes that are color coded by the professors tone of voice when he uttered them. The oracle, by contrast, might show up high, but is so intelligent that he can explain anything that goes over the scribes head. These successful duos can usually be found in locked study rooms in the stacks (the scribe having skillfully reserved the spot in advance) or in the coveted corners of the 7th floor stacks. The only thing that can sabotage this dream team is the beginning of a romantic relationship between the two. As everyone surely knows, sexual tension and studying go together like bread and butter, and once those sparks start flying, they only place that these tributes will be doing any work is the stairwell. As the night wanes, and deadlines rapidly approach, each of the various tributes engages in a grueling battle with readings, papers, and practice tests. Some fall victim to the unpredictable wave of sleepiness that is often induced by the lonely stacks, and end up with PTFO (passed the fuck out) syndrome before they even realize what hit them. Others venture away from camp to the depths of the first floor in order to replenish their supplies at Jazzmans cantina. The obvious choice between a 5-dollar fruit cup and a 3-dollar cup of coffee tends to force the tributes to stay up even later than they intended. As night turns to day, there are classes to be attended and papers to be handed in. Some venture out of library doors with confident smiles while others meander into the outdoors dismayed and defeated (pussies). All that remains constant is the smile on the statue of Woodruff, as he waits eagerly until the next batch of Ivy League wannabees passes by, indicating that the next Library Games have begun.
Emory Administration Segregates Black People, Returning to Cherished Roots of Bigotry and White Power ...
like the international students, there just isnt any more room for them here at Emory. Black student Michael Johnson said about these changes ,yo dawg dats wiggity wacked. Note: This author is black, very black, like the color of those dark chocolate Rolos. He is currently hiding out in Bruges. So all you politically correct whistle-blowers can suck it. If youre really, really offended, I suggest going to the doctors and having that redwood surgically removed from your butt hole.
Pan-Hellenic Council organizations. Students who resist these measures will risk expulsion to Morehouse, Spelman, or Clark Atlanta. Repeat offenders will be banished to Morris Brown. Emory Choir has been encouraged to perform in blackface in the traditional Jolson style. Black students are required to take AAS 102: introduction African Drum Circle to graduate. A subscription to Black Star Magazine is also mandatory. The DUC has also eliminated fried chicken and watermelon from the menu in an effort to discourage black students from applying. We hope that by eliminating the staples of their diet, we can discourage their presence as much as possible, said Head Chef Michael Lyle. Weve cut back on our grape soda, but they dont seem to have gotten the message. When asked for a justification
for these new policies, President Wagner referred us to Emorys budget. Im trying to run a business here, and at the end of the day the black students just dont pay enough. I think theyre great people, I love Eminem, and one of my best friends is black. But until they start paying full fees
Tuition will double for students who can hold this pose for at least two hours.
HOROSCOPES
aries: Stop being a sheep! Its time for you to start thinking for yourself, so dont do anything that this horoscope suggests. Taurus: The movement of Saturn has tilted its red rings closer to earth, meaning that the future is looking grim for your Xbox. However, this tragedy will allow you to revisit some of the things you used to value, like personal hygiene and social interaction. GeMini: This is a good time to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. You may discover an exciting hidden talent. Dont quit your day job though, and your new skill probably wont get you laid either. cancer: The movement of Venus suggests that love is in the air, and you should look no further than the guy in the cubicle behind you. His stares may make you uncomfortable sometimes, but its really your own fault for wearing clothing that accentuates your curves. And sure, he writes horoscopes for a living, but the stars say that youre ready to settle. Leo: The stars say that youre ugly. They figured that you should know why no one wants to talk to you, and have decided to just be candid. Fortunately for you, the combined power of Match.com and Photoshop will get you plenty of first dates. No celestial body in the universe could figure out how youd get a second one though. VirGo: You may not be aware of this, but Pluto was actually stripped of its classification as a planet a few years ago. Consequently, the Almighty Board of Astrologers decided that the impact of Plutos icy rays shouldnt be taken as heavily into consideration. Thus, you really dont have an excuse for being such a COLD, HARD BITCH. Five minutes with me and youll feel more like Venus anyway. Libra: Avoid any Capricorns that are hiding in a dark alleyway with a rubber chicken and a jar of KY Jelly. Also, dont get close enough to find out if theyre actually Capricorns. scorpio: The dark shadow in your future was originally interpreted to mean your untimely death sometime in the near future. However, upon further review, we have decided that the shade is more indicative of a cheap tan. Unless of course youre a ginger, in which case the two are synonymous. capricorn: Duck! Whew, youre safe for now. aquarius: The stars feel a lot better about themselves when they look at you, and realize just how insignificant they could be. You can try as hard as you like to be different, but no one will ever recall your name more readily than Jupiters. This may seem a little harsh, but youve been kind of a dick lately and I ... er ... the cosmos think you need to come back down to Earth. pisces: Please show me your tits!!
Economics Mathematics
1 8
8 10+ 2-3
Political Science
Creative Writing
Philosophy
Physics
Psychology
Pre-Med
STUDENT GOVERNMENT
HOUSING
Tuberculosis and HIV studies arent as trendy as they used to be. Primate lingerie research, however, is edgy, and people are already starting to call us the bad boys of science.
Jane Williams, head researcher for Yerkes
event. Statements like dressing up animals is cruuuuuel, and fashion shows lower averagelooking apes self esteem, are being repeated ad nauseum by members of the ASPCA and the Animal Rights club. When asked about the first gripe, doctor Williams pointed out that non-human primates are entitled to look sexy too. The apes that we dress up dont suffer any more than your mom does when she wears a thong for your dad thats right, your parents
Friday that cited the show as evidence that the State of Georgia is becoming more progressive in terms of accepting alternative sexual preferences. Rango Tan has confirmed that Yerkes has begun investing in future shows, and rumors are already circulating about sexy circuses and tapes of Apes Gone (More) Wild (Than Usual). Needless to say, Emory students can expect this to be the most controversial issue on campus for much of the foreseeable future.
Gang violence and drug use have risen dramatically throughout the week.
SUSTAINABILITY
in. The residents of Dobbs have sublet the closets inside of their closets to any paying resident and overcrowding has become a major issue. As a result, gang violence and drug use have risen dramatically throughout the week. On Friday, Emory Police Department Spokesperson, Officer Busk announced, Emory Police Department will no longer monitor or intervene in any activity reported at Dobbs residence hall. Those scumbags have been making a racket all week long and refuse to negotiate with such rabble-rousers. Lets face it, Dobbs is a shit hole. We all know it. I believe this is an instance in which we late nature take the reigns.
INTERVIEW
A Date with Death: Talking with a Student Who Was Intimate with Dooleys Bone
A certain student was spotted getting handsey with The Lord of Misrule himself at this years Dooleys Ball. Sources confirmed that the student was a female senior, dressed in a day of the dead skeleton costume and seen following Dooley around all night, and not just as a member of his stoic entourage. Indeed, these two danced close to the thumpings of Alesso, hands intertwined as Dooley ground upon her backside. A member of our distinguished staff did some serious investigative reporting to unearth the identity of this skeletonobsessed floozy, and courageously asked her the questions no one dared to ask. Well: So you find it socially acceptable to have intercourse with someone who is dead? Skeleton Floozy: Dead?! We are all dead! Would I have been attracted to him if he was alive? Perhaps. But I prefer to live in the moment. Just like Dooley- we really complemented each other if you ask me. Both quirky, ironic, rambunctious, with nothing to lose. And in terms of intercourse, well, let me just tell you: I writhed, I seethed, I shook with the pleasure of forty harems, I had never felt so alive! I had 175 years of history between my legs and doubts of whats socially acceptable were not going to ruin my night! W: So the sex was good? SF: Lets just say Dooley was an experienced lover. Like a fine bottle of red wine, this lanky skeleton aged exquisitely. He had the slick suave moves of a Southern gentleman and the titillating tongue of a dirty southern rapper. He knew exactly what I wanted, what I needed and desired. Its like He had a sixth sense about my body and ran his fingers across my torso like five spiders of pleasure. W: But what about the whole, lack of skin aspect? SF: Well, with no organs or flesh to get in the way, our bodies intertwined, connected, and we rode the same waves of lovemaking! Cuddling, though, was not too pretty. Post-coital, Dooley
quickly fell asleep. He seemed exhausted, and rightfully so. He had come 12 times, and I, 22. The floor was soaked in our excretions of love. But he was out cold, and his bones were of no comfort to me. He refused to be the big spoon, so I had to awkwardly wrap my arms around his fragile frame, his femur digging into my side. W: And the morning after? Howd did that go? SF: When I awoke, Dooley had abandoned me. I couldnt even get to make him waffles with my new special skeletonshaped iron. I shouldve assumed as much. He doesnt seem like much of a morning creature. He did leave a note on his pillow saying: I flit here and yonder and make a call wherever I may choose. Selfish bastard. It made me wonder how many women he had just boned like this- before and after his interment. Men are all the same dead or alive.
EMORY HELPLINE
a lot flashier. Representative Ron Paul has often criticized Bernankes lack of interest in gold, and government officials are hoping that the chairmans new medallion and grill will finally shut him up. Rolex has been contracted to design the medallion, which will feature a picture solid-gold portrait of Alexander Hamilton, the sultriest central banker in history. Next, in an attempt to improve his publicity, Bernanke has agreed to appear in advertisements for several products that are made by respectable American companies. His infomercial for Crayolas newest shade of gray crayon is expected to air sometime in the next month. He is also slated to appear in a commercial for Pfizers newest prescription sleep medication, in which he claims that its even more effective than listening to his speeches about monetary policy. Also worth noting are his endeavors to enter the pop music scene. His solo career is not expected to require much effort to develop, since any one of his speeches could easily be made into a hip-hop track using Autotune and the addition of a backbeat. Furthermore, Bernankes Jewish heritage makes him an ideal fourth member of the Beastie Boys, and he is expected to tour with them this fall.
Are you stressed over exams? Experiencing issues with your roommate? best friend? loved one? Do you think you might be gay? Is the DUC out of frozen yogurt again? Do you often feel like its all too much to handle? Well, God damn it, get your shit together, man! Your parents arent paying $50K a year for you to bitch about your lot in life. Perhaps you could waste less space and air by dropping out of Emory and enrolling in ITT Tech. Just dont call us asking for help.
Emory Student Health Services
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Do you have a burning desire to innict punishment? Tired of having to drug your Craigs List friends before theyll let you tie them up? Emorys Honor Council is looking for students just like you!
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T O S I N E P E N I S M
\ Hey, dont blame us! Maybe Freud was right after all
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CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING
Creepy upperclassman brother looking for potential slampiece: Its my last formal and I need a date. Please overlook my greasy and husky exterior, Im a real sweetheart on the inside. I drink heavily and I am inappropriately drunk for every social event. When Im not passing out or shouting slurred obscenities, I like to avoid bathing or anything involving responsibility. Somehow, my social ineptitude didnt stop me from getting a bid. I know this sounds incredibly desperate, but Ive exhausted all other options. Nobody will answer my Facebook messages. That said, I have zero game and I must rely on my pledges to find a suitable home for my penis. So, if youre interested please contact me. Please. Fratstar looking for a good time: Sup, slams. I need a fine bitch to take down with me to fuckin P.C.B. If youre already on my slam roster, I probably have already contacted you. Im looking to bring in some free agents. So, if youre the kind of girl that instinctively gives bomb-ass morning bobble, shoot me a message. Also, you must have tits that are bigger than 34 CC. I cant be seen fratting it up in PCB with some fuckin twig GDI bitch. That would be fuckin embarrassing. I drive an Audi A5 because my parents are fuckin loaded. I look fucking swoll in a pinny and my sexual performances are at the very least, above average. Roommate vacancy: Are you tired of living with boringroommates? Or are you just so damn broke that you dont actually care who youmight live with? Well Im your man. I enjoy hosting swingers parties everynight. I tend to masturbate to very loud internet porn. Related to that, myinternet connection might be weak, given that all 10 of my computers arecontinuously downloading porn. I have two dying cats, who are each missing their legs and carry the bubonic plague. Inaddition, my little person friend, who lives under my bed has a crack problem.Well, I really hope you give me a chance and come over for a tour. I am only asking $25 per month so you know you can Trust Me!!! Help wanted, food-industry veterans: If you are 40 or over and have just lost your six figure salary, join our group of executive partners at SmileysBurger Place. Since youve lost all of your shame and self-inhibition, youwould be a great fit here. You also have lost enough of your self-dignity toquestion our demands to thoroughly clean our bathrooms, where our overweightand intestinally irritated customers relieve themselves in many various andgrotesque ways. Just remember, as long as unemployment is over 7% andcontraception is the most pressing issue in the Senate well always be there to hire and exploit you.
The Spokeword
Across: 1. Most popular dating website 2. Meow 3. What makes people proud to be from Georgia 4. Emory building with dirty sounding name 7. The Virginia ultrasound 9. What you drive if you like to pretend you . care about the environment 10. The best Star Wars movie 11. Best g-ddamn country in the world 14. A pirate's favorite restaurant 16. The most popular food in America 18. Combination of a tiger and a lion 19. First black president 21. Its just a theory... 24. What makes Emory students better than . everyone else 27. Why people join frats 28. The official channel of white people
Down: 2. The guardians of Swoop 5. My heart will go on and on in 3D 6. Legendary! 8. Married his girlfriend's adopted daughter 10. Why g-d created the internet 12. A secret Muslim radical Christian Communist . Socialist Nazi Kenyan terrorist 13. Legally defined as a brothel 15. The most evil organization in America 17. Good place to mail order a bride from 20. blanket-jacket 22. Good place to male order a bride from 23. Beer or Ping 25. Somebody once told me the world was gonna rule . me, I ain't the sharpest ___ in the shed 26. The most trusted name in news
Just because theres no Prince Charming, doesnt mean you shouldnt be treated like a Princess.
Down: 2. Chickens 5. Titanic 6. Barney 8. WoodyAllen 10. Porn 12. Obama 13. Sororities 15. Congress 17. Russia 20. Snuggy 22. SanFrancisco 23. Pong 25. Tool 26. JonStewart Across: 1. Facebook 2. Cat 3. Mississippi 4. Dobbs 7. Transvaginal 9. Prius 10. PhantomMenace 11. Kenya 14. Arbys 16. Bread 18. Liger 19. Reagan 21. Evolution 24. Money 27. Sex 28. FoxNews answer Key
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