"Do you know the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?

" it was slow at the Pig n'Poke and they had all gathered around John to hear another of his strange stories. Bill took the bait. "No, what is the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?" he was as bored as the rest, and didn't mind helping John get rolling. "Well a fairy tale begins, Once upon a time, and a sea story begins, This is no shit..." John said with relish. They all came a little closer for he was off to a good start. "This is no shit, back when I was in the Navy I fought off half the crew of my ship because they were possessed." he kept a straight face as he spoke. "Fortunately I had just returned from the Pearl Harbor uniform shop where I had wasted my money on a Naval Officers sword, as I was not an officer, and had no intention of becoming one it was an impulse purchase. I was up in the electronics shop putting a keen edge on my sword when I heard the most incredible racket coming from below. I wandered out in the passage in time to be attacked by one of my fellow crewmen that must have been totally berserk. He came at me screaming at the top of his lungs. I still had my brand new sword in my hand and I ran him through. He screamed all the louder and tried to inch his way up the blade towards me. I whipped the blade out and backed up quickly, he took a deep breath to scream again and this time I slashed at him. I got the better part of his head loose and he started staggering around blind. When he turned around the second time he was by the stairs and a good kick sent him down the stairs head over heels into a pile. Everything had happened in a flash, I stood there shaking, wondering how such a thing could happen. I began to hear screams and sounds of combat from other parts of the ship. I glanced down at my sword and did a double take; where I had expected to see blood there was a heavy coating of some thick gelatinous substance. I knew then the reaction to the sword thrust was real, my opponent didn't fall until I had his head off. I heard gunshots from below, and yells for help. I went down to the next deck and saw one of the officers in a corner shooting at three crewmen that screamed like the damned. I knew then, with an awful certainty what they were. The officer was holding them off with his pistol but they refused to fall, though they all had several holes in them. I shouted for him to hold his fire just for a moment so I could attack. I remembered my first opponent and slashed at the tendons in the arms and legs. Before they could turn around, I had them all helpless. The officer joined me and we stared in horror as gelatin dripped from their wounds and they began to heal before our eyes. My sword arm was now covered in this disgusting slime all the way to the elbow. It looked familiar somehow, but why? Suddenly I knew, I had seen it before! It all came together in my mind at once, there must be a directing force somewhere close by. I ran out on to the deck and then I heard it, a high pitched whine from the forward hold. The hatch was open, and when I looked down my questions were answered. A canned ham jumped and buzzed and sang down there. It was obviously possessed by some infernal power. I stared at it as it sang a song of power and death to all those it could not control. I shouted to the officer to follow me as I leaped into the hold. I grabbed my sword with both hands and drove the point into the can over and over. I recognized the gelatin now as it oozed out of the can, weve all seen it, but we never knew its power. I ran over to a portable pump where the officer had already started to disconnect the fuel tank. I grabbed it out of his hands and poured gasoline all over the ham. We ran back and I yelled for him to shoot. He fired into the ham and flames burst forth. You could hear the whining of the ham reach a peak and then, a sudden silence throughout the ship. We put the fire out when we were sure nothing remained but a scorched and riddled can." there was silence when John finished, a pause to reflect on an unusual tale. Bill was the first to speak. "I suppose you were a big hero on your ship after that?" "With everyone but the cooks." John replied. "Why not the cooks as well?" asked Bill. "Because I totally ruined a perfectly good deviled ham." John said as he headed for the door at full speed. Only one bottle caught up with him.