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for regret once again. And, as Willie knows from his test-taking anxiety, you don't necessarily have to be involved with other people to get stuck in feelings that prevent you from thinking clearly and responding effectively. Being suddenly overwhelmed with feelings that leave us uselessly fleeing or fighting is something that happens to all of us at times. Must those times continue to be a source of embarrassment, frustration, and regret?
Now, as the roller coaster car dips up from the bottom of the run and starts up again, enter your own body so that you can feel yourself sitting in that seat. You look up and see the greasy chain pulling you towards the top, hear the clanking of that chain, and feel the car pulling you higher and higher toward that peak. As you reach the peak, you can see all the way down, and as the car suddenly dips down the hill the wind hits you in the face and you feel your stomach rise as your body drops and you hear your own screams as you race towards the bottom. Obviously there is a big difference between the two experiences. That difference is crucial. When you are watching yourself, as on a movie screen, seeing yourself in the picture, you are in a dissociated state. As such, you are not directly experiencing the feelings, sounds, sights, that are an integral part of the situation. This is the opposite of what we were doing when we did anchoring, the outcome was to associate into the experience; to re-experience all of the sensory stimuli that were present in the earlier situation, as if you were there again. The Resource Strategy is based on dissociation. It is designed to detach you from all the sensory stimuli that are operating within the overwhelming situation-the stimuli that "hook" you-so that you have the time and space to think clearly and access the resources that will help you deal with the situation. In this way, your response can become a matter of choice, rather than a knee-jerk reaction.
precipitated his being fired from the two previous jobs. As a result of what he learned, he subsequently responded more gracefully under pressure in similar on-the-job contexts. A voice teacher came to us for therapy because she was stressed out from teaching. She loved singing and it was really important for her to teach well. But when it came time to demonstrate vocal techniques she would get so anxious about being accurate that she often hit sour notes. This was very distressing to her. Using -the Resource Strategy, we taught her to dissociate. From that perspective she realized how she could utilize her mistakes as teaching tools, having her students evaluate and analyze the errors. Once outside of the situation and free of the anxiety and embarrassment, she could see her mistakes as an opportunity to be an even more effective teacher. She really began to enjoy teaching again. At Home The Resource Strategy is also useful in personal relationships. Sharing life with another person on a daily basis can sometimes lead to rising tensions and arguments. Couples who find that their discussions deteriorate into bitter arguments can use this strategy to step outside their anger, detach from the intensity of the moment, and get amore objective perspective on the situation. Once dissociated, you have the breathing room to ask yourself, "What do I really want here? How can I change my response so that this situation is better for both of us?," and then respond more effectively.
4. THE TECHNIQUE
The Resource Strategy is a technique we culled from people who are naturally adept at maintaining access to their resources, even when embroiled in stressful situations. After eliciting the strategy from many such individuals, we found that in its most effective form the strategy involves seven steps. Those seven steps are: THE RESOURCE STRATEGY STEP 1. Establish the context which seems to rob you of your resources and prevents you from responding appropriately. Identify the trigger (words, tone, analogue, place, etc..) for the unresourceful state. Identify a specific example. STEP 2. Associate into the example at the point when you first realize you are having the undesired response. STEP 3. Dissociate from the situation.
STEP 4. Identify the most appropriate response(s) for the "other you over there." STEP 5. Re-associate back into the situation, taking with you the new responses. STEP 6. Futurepace. STEP 7. Test using a different but similar context as the test. This outline gives you an idea of the flow of the technique:
Specify the problem situation Dissociate from it and make new behavioral choices Step back into the problem situation with the new choices in hand Solidify the change through rehearsal.
Before taking yourself through it, give yourself the luxury of a demonstration of the technique in action. Now is a good point to watch the videotaped segment demonstrating the Resource Strategy. As you watch it, be sure to notice the analogue differences you can see and hear in the subject as he switches from being associated to being dissociated. STOP AND WATCH THE VIDEO) While watching the demonstration you may have noticed Michael calibrating to his partner's responses and using anchors to assist his partner in accessing the states of "on fire" and of resourcefulness. Calibration and anchoring are of obvious importance when taking someone else through this strategy. But remember that calibration and anchoring can be just as important when using the technique with yourself. It is not enough to simply go through the steps. You must calibrate to your own responses, attending to whether or not you are fully dissociated, or associated, and to your readiness to proceed to the next step. As for anchoring, you learned in a previous section that you can anchor yourself. If you find that you have some difficulty getting back to either the associated or dissociated states, first establish strong anchors for yourself for those states, then proceed with the technique, using the anchors when you need them. With these considerations in mind and the videotaped demonstration under your belt, now it is time to take yourself through the following exercise, which is a more detailed version of the Resource Strategy. Read through the entire strategy a couple of times before actually doing it, as it contains many suggestions about how to facilitate the process. Once you are familiar with it, the Step headings will be enough to prompt you through the strategy. RESOURCE STRATEGY EXERCISE STEP 1. Establish the context. Search through your personal history and select a context in which you often find yourself in an unresourceful state (e.g., embarrassed, frustrated, stuck, overwhelmed, anxious, etc..)
Identify the trigger. Determine just what it is that triggers this unresourceful state. For instance, it could be certain words ("you should have"), a particular tonality ("accusing"), analogue ("looks angry"), a person ("my boss"), a circumstance ("asking for something for myself"), etc. Knowing the trigger ensures that you will include it in your imagining of the problem situation so that the changes you make using this strategy will be tied to that trigger. Identify a specific example. Select one particular incident that exemplifies the kind of situation that in the past has left you resourceless. STEP 2. Associate into the example. Step back into the situation at the point when you first became unresourceful, that is, at the point of the "trigger." Hear what you heard, see what you saw, and feel what you felt. STEP 3. Dissociate from the situation. Take a deep breath and, in your imagination, step out of yourself and back (or to the side, above, etc..), so that you can view yourself interacting in the situation. Watch and listen to that other you carefully. If, as you do this, you still find yourself somewhat emotionally inside the memory, you can dissociate yourself even further by putting more distance between the observer you and the acting you, or you can put the memory on a movie screen. STEP 4. Identify the most appropriate response(s). In order to prompt yourself, and to help maintain your dissociation as well, you can ask yourself, "What is the best response for [your name] to have in this situation?" However you frame the task to yourself, what is important at this point in the process is to sort through and select how the "you" you are watching could respond more appropriately in the situation. Keep yourself dissociated as you do this, and feel free to run through the problem situation as many times as you need to in order to try out various response choices. STEP 5. Re-associate back into the situation, taking with you the new -responses. Now that you have selected a new and more appropriate way of responding, you can step back into yourself in the situation and try it out. It is as important in this step to be fully associated into the scene as it was to be fully dissociated in the previous step, so be sure to access what you see, hear, and feel as you use your new response choice in that problem situation.
If you find that the new response does not give you the kind of experience you want, return to steps 3 and 4, and make a new behavioral choice. You may want to generalize this ability to dissociate and access resources to other, similar situations. If so, repeat steps 1 through 5 as many times as you wish. STEP 6. Future-pace. It is now time to attach this strategy to your future. Think of some time in the near future when you will be in a situation similar to the ones you have been working with in the previous steps. Once you have it identified, take yourself through steps 2, 3, 4 and 5, using this future context as the problem situation. STEP 7. Test. The real test of the effectiveness of what you have just done comes when you actually face that situation which has, in the past, overwhelmed you. There is one test worth making before that, however. You can test your work by simply thinking of a similar situation, either out of the past or in the future, and noticing your response. If you find yourself slipping back into the unresourceful state, then you need to take yourself through the strategy step by step a few more times, until it becomes an automatic response to the situation. If, when you test, you find yourself automatically going through the stages of the strategy, you will know that you have been thorough and are ready to once again face that situation in the real world. Like all of the techniques included in this manual, this one bears repeating enough times that it becomes an automatic part of your repertoire of responses. It has much more to offer than just greater flexibility of response. The breathing space and objective perspective the Resource Strategy creates provides you with an opportunity to express yourself fully and congruently.
associated into the experience, they aren't feeling first hand what is happening to their bodies, hearing the sounds that go with lovemaking, seeing their partner's face and body, smelling and tasting what's there to smell and taste. If what they are doing is watching the interaction from a detached, observer's position, it isn't surprising that they don't experience real sexual fulfillment and satisfaction. Any time an experience will be pleasurable or exciting is an appropriate time to be associated. This includes watching a performance or movie, or reading a book. Associating into these can draw you right into the experiences being portrayed, just as if you were there and a part of it. Q: What if I don't stay separate from the interaction that hooks me long enough to access appropriate responses? A: You can help yourself maintain the dissociation by using your internal dialogue. Phrases such as, "See yourself there, as you sit here, observing" and "The interaction is over there; it's happening over there," are very effective in keeping you dissociated from the action. Other ways to insure dissociation include seeing yourself on a movie or TV screen, or seeing yourself at a great distance so that the picture is very small. You will find it difficult to get your feelings into such a small and distant picture. Q: If you can actually have the experience of stepping out of the negative feelings of an unpleasant situation, why would you want to step back in? A: The "negative" state is feedback that there is a situation in which you need to do something else. You're stepping out to access resources, not to get into a numb state. When you step outside the experience you are stepping into a resource state that provides you with the opportunity to access an appropriate response to this demanding incident. Now that you know how to handle it, and know that you can, you'll want to step back into the experience to carry out your new choices. In this way the unpleasant situation can become the source of satisfaction. Q: What if I step back and it's worse than ever? A: Then step out once more to reassess the situation, gather your resources about you, and choose another, more effective response. Also, you often already know the kinds of situations that are set ups for negative and inappropriate responses. This technique allows you to identify those and choose more appropriate states in advance, so the next time you are exposed to that situation, you will have choices available to you as you go in. Q: How do I know if I will really respond differently after going through this strategy? A: The best way to know whether a change has actually taken place is to test your work behaviorally. After you have taken yourself through the technique and future paced successfully, ask a friend to treat you in the way that used to trigger your unresourcefulness. If you remain dissociated from the unresourceful state, you know it works. If you find that you slip back into being associated and unresourceful, you need to
take yourself again through the strategy and either make sure that you are truly dissociated AND/OR that you make better choices in terms of how to respond appropriately in the problem situation. Q: What about depression, rage, or other extremely intense emotions? A: Really intense emotions, such as feeling paralyzed, terrified, or rage can be dealt with by another technique called "V-K Dissociation" (see Solutions, Chapter 12, for a description of this technique). The Resource Strategy is more useful for those times when you feel stuck, embarrassed, frustrated, overwhelmed, and so on.
6. FUTURE-PACE
In order to operate in the world effectively and powerfully we need to have choices about our responses to situations and events. The ability to dissociate from unresourceful internal states allows us to access resources to respond appropriately and congruently in a variety of situations. By taking what you have learned here about the Resource Strategy and applying it in situations where you might otherwise be hooked into negative responses you will provide yourself with new choices about responding more effectively and powerfully. But respond more effectively and powerfully where in your life? Find an example of a time when You felt completely stuck, or overwhelmed, or at a loss for what to do. You were told that you were taking something too personally. You felt on-the-spot while being questioned by a group or an individual, and made a hash of responding to those questions. You had difficulty with some kind of confrontation. You felt you were being rejected and you handled it poorly. From the same memories, select one incident that you really wish would have gone differently. Go back in time to that incident, taking the Resource Strategy with you, and use it to change how you responded then. When satisfied with your change in response, start coming back up through time, towards the present, noticing how things would have been different if you had had the Resource Strategy to help you be effective and congruent in the world. When you get to the present, imagine how things might be different now. That is how different it can be from now on
Operating in the world effectively means having choices about responding. For each of us there are certain situations that seem to rob us of our usual response resources. These situations overwhelm us with feelings of guilt, or embarrassment, or anxiety, or frustration, and so on. We are so caught up in the kinesthetics of the- moment that perspective is lost. At such times we are completely "associated" into the experience, that is, seeing, hearing, and feeling our ongoing experience directly through our senses. To be "dissociated" is to view yourself; detached and distant, watching and hearing yourself from an external perspective. The Resource Strategy is a sequence of steps that restores response choices by dissociating you from an otherwise overwhelming situation enough to generate appropriate responses to that situation.