LIBERTY UNIVERSITY

4-MAT REVIEW: STRENGTHENING MARITAL INTIMACY BY HAWKINS, R.E.

A PAPER SUBMITTED TO DR SCOTT HAWKINS FOR PACO 603

IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE MASTERS OF DIVINITY DEGREE

BY TODD HINE 02 JUNE 2012

Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION ...........................................................................................................................2 SUMMARY .....................................................................................................................................2 RESPONSES ...................................................................................................................................5 REFLECTION .................................................................................................................................6 APPLICATION ...............................................................................................................................6 CONCLUSION ................................................................................................................................7 BIBLIOGRAPHY ............................................................................................................................8

INTRODUCTION The divorce rate in the United States over the last several decades has skyrocketed. Many studies have been conducted to explain the reasoning for the failure of the institution at such an alarming rate. Pinpointing the cause to any singular reason or cause may prove to be futile, but in his book, Strengthening Marital Intimacy, R.E. Hawkins lends a great deal of credibility to one potential cause for the destruction: Lack of proper application of the true definition of intimacy. SUMMARY As the entire western culture swayed from the Biblical foundation upon which the country was founded through the ever changing focus to self, the once stable institution of marriage fully appreciated and understood the meaning of intimacy. Marriage was a pillar to be respected and observed as demonstrating character values desirable within the individual. It stood as something more than only a symbol. Marriage meant trustworthiness, dependability, honesty, and loyalty. These were the results of a marriage possessing intimacy as the two were meant for each other beginning with Adam and Eve. (Hawkins, 15) The definition changed over the years as individuals became more important than the couple. What once meant an all-encompassing trademark of the joining of a man and woman came to mean nothing more than a physical act through which momentary gratification was fulfilled. Its definition became limited and lifeless, shallow in its existence, separated from what it once meant through the applicability of marriage. What once was designed by God as a mutual joining of compatible humans of opposite gender with the intent and goal of becoming one slowly degraded into a sinful state. Satan drove a wedge between man and woman, separating them. (Hawkins, 15) This was not Gods design. 2

This was the result of a redefining of intimacy. In an effort to get back to Gods design for marriage, a better understanding of intimacy needs to be reached. A man and a woman, joined together through the bounds of Gods design of marriage, now have the opportunity to not only have the wedge of sin removed but to enjoy the benefits of striving for intimacy. This is the goal for a couple, as presented by Hawkins. (Hawkins, 21) Hawkins defines intimacy as oneness with healthy separateness. (Hawkins, 21) As the couple begins to put into place the goal of intimacy between them both, each will effectively move through overlapping and simultaneous areas where intimacy is needed in marriages. The key motivation behind striving to such levels of intimacy comes from both having a true commitment to reaching the goal of intimacy. Each area will require a solid and dedicated commitment to fulfill the ever-changing constantly growing area in which it is needed. If intimacy is the goal of a marriage couple, the launching pad from which the journey begins is commitment. Its ability to ensure proper footing and stability provide the couple the strength needed to endure the initial stages of intimacy discovery. As a mutually signed contract between two people, the ultimate fulfillment of the contract comes through a lifetime of experiences shared. Understanding the significance of the contract in Gods eyes denotes a significant level of eternal value on the contract. Commitment is the natural conclusion. What, then, are the areas in which the two are to remain committed? The remainder of Hawkins book addresses several areas of concern. For instance, a couple and both individuals making up a married couple are to remain committed to wisdom and the guidance she provides. But wisdom eludes humans, as wisdom can only be revealed by God. It is more than knowledge. It is a supernatural understanding made known by grace, lived out in daily lives. (Hawkins, 46)

Wisdom applied acknowledges the couple lives in reality. Many newlyweds tend to live in a fantasy world of beaches and sunsets and marital bliss. This, however, while valid for the wedding ceremony is not reality for the marriage. The reality of the marriage is that each person has not only a sin nature but also a full set of life experiences that have been accumulated to shape the person. But reality does not begin here, as Hawkins states. It actually begins with the God who can turn peoples worst intentions to His good purposes. (Hawkins, 59) The cruelty of human nature can only be swayed through acknowledging the ability of God to change the cruelty into His good as being a reality. To that end, the couple must acknowledge the sovereignty of God between them in the marriage not to mention the sovereignty of God over each as an individual. More than simple authority, sovereignty exists within the nature of God as being the pinnacle of everything, where nothing exists as being in high status or purpose. The couple and the two individuals that make up the marriage fully appreciating and acknowledging Gods sovereignty have the ability to depend on Him for everything, including times of joy and triumph and most importantly during those times when the couple are struggling and is in desperate need. (Hawkins, 70) Other areas through which a couple seeks intimacy through commitment include their communication between them and in prayer with God. Respecting the other person as a person created in the image of God adds further strength to the couples commitment. And finally the sexuality of the couple as they fulfill the physical intimacy of each other as God designed the specific realm of intimacy. Each of these additional areas holds weight to ensure the commitment level of the couple remains true in the individuals and the couples fulfillment for intimacy in the realms of spiritual, intellectual, and physical.

RESPONSES As an example of what not to do, as I read through this book, I could not help but reflect on the failures of my past. They have served me well as monuments of things gone wrong due to actions and attitudes that were contrary to the principles of this book. Hawkins can easily take snapshots of my life, and make reference to them saying, See? This is what happens when this does not occur. One of the most memorable series of events that occurred early on in the marriage was the lack of respect for me as a person that led to the eventual crumbling of the marriage. Hawkins outlines the importance of communication between a couple, between the couple and God, and between God and the individual within the marriage. The picture I paint now demonstrates the incorrect way communication should be used. As a couple, we knelt at night before bed and prayed. At first I did not think much of her prayers, but the incessant level of degradation only increased. Her prayers centered on benefitting herself through informing God of how desperately bad a husband I was, and her follow-on prayers served to ask God to fix me. Her portion on herself consisted mainly of how important and valuable she was and how she deserved to be treated as a queen. Clearly, there was a lack of respect for me as an individual made in Gods image. Clearly the communication was wrongfully applied. Clearly, the self focus replaced Gods sovereignty. The wedge became entrenched between us and as my commitment to my responsibilities as a husband eroded, her level of degradation and humiliation only increased proportionately. Without the principles of Hawkins begin applied before the marriage, the marriage itself was doomed before it started. We painted a clear picture of what not to do.

REFLECTION Twelve years have passed and I have married a woman who, for arguments sake, is my opposite. Yet our mutual acknowledgement to the commitment of our desire for intimacy cannot be understated. Our beliefs are parallel, though somewhat different and yet the mutual respect we have for each other reflects the appreciation we have not only for Gods design of the other person but for the marriage itself. We also recognize that God is sovereign regardless of our differences, and He is not fearful of our differences. As such, neither should we be fearful of our differences. In fact, we have come to appreciate the amazing way in which our differences complement each other. The area we struggle within the physical intimacy, which most likely is a consequence of both our pasts, not to mention our current age. The frequency in which our mutual sexual desires are fulfilled has fallen sharply in the last two years. In discussing the reality of the situation, our mutual understanding has aided us in accepting it and making concrete decisions in an attempt at moving forward to improve our sexual fulfillment. In short, we both agree and understand the reasons why the frequency has dropped off, and neither has harbored bitterness or resentment. APPLICATION The fact that Hawkins has made this more of a workbook for couples allows us to further explore our mutual levels of understanding in all areas. As a couple, our devotion times have become more passionate and intense in prayer and study through the simple reading of this book. These are only a few general areas through which our lives have already seen growth that both of us can see and feel. Other areas have been affected as well, at least by me. I am confident that my wife has been affected as well.

Gods sovereignty has been challenged as of late. I take full responsibility for this situation in our lives. My decision to go back to school and get my masters degree caused me to leave a six-figure income and place the burden of our finances on her income. I planned far enough in advance to compensate, but as I approach the end of my degree program, I face the need to find employment, which is proving to be difficult. I have applied to more than a few positions and have already been rejected. It has been during these times of struggle and rejection I find my faith in God being challenged. She has bolstered herself, and remained confident for me on the outside, but I sense she also feels the challenge. Many other things have occurred in recent weeks relating to family health issues as well. As a couple and as individuals, our need is to remain focused on the sovereignty of God in being able to meet the needs we have materialistically. CONCLUSION While I see the application of this book being useful in the hands of marriages of any years, the maximum potential this book has in the hands of newlyweds or within the setting of marriage counseling. Hawkins defines the principles that a couple should grasp early resulting in a solidly built foundation. Intimacy is lifelong and not limited to physical fulfillment as it has now become known to be. Intimacy in marriage flows deeply and requires years of joyful and adventurous exploration to uncover. It can be an exciting journey.

BIBLIOGRAPHY Hawkins, R. E. Strengthening marital intimacy. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991.