What Every Teenager Needs to Know about sexuality

SAFE PASSAGE Puberty is the most turbulent and confusing period in a person's life both physically and emotionally. Things begin to happen to your body that you don't understand and you begin to experience feelings and emotions that were before this, alien to you. All of this can cause drastic mood swings, and behavioral changes in children that parents must be aware of. It is also a time, when the lines of communication between parent and child need to be wide open. As parents we need to listen, be empathetic to their situation and explain what all these changes mean in regards to their lives and their religion. When a child reaches puberty, he becomes fully accountable for his deeds in the Sight of Allah. The parents of the adolescent boy should inform him that the first time he ejaculates, he becomes accountable for his actions in front of Allah, and he should perform the acts of worship in the same way that adult Muslims do. When a girl is about nine years old, her parents should inform her that the first time she sees blood (menstruation), she becomes accountable for her acts and that the acts of worship prescribed for Muslim women are also prescribed for her. When the child reaches puberty, there are certain rules that the parents should explain to him or her, which include: If the child has a sexual dream, he does not have to take a bath (ghusl) unless he sees or feels wetness on his clothes or bed sheets due to sperm ejaculation. In the case of a girl, vaginal discharge, the type of viscous discharge that commonly occurs after a woman has had an orgasm, should be noticed before it is necessary to take a bath. Such was the answer of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, to Khawlah Bint Hakeem, who asked him if a woman should make ghusl when she has a sexual dream. He said, "No ghusl on her unless she has a discharge, similarly there is no ghusl on the man unless he ejaculates." (Ahmad and Nasa'i) When the child wakes up and sees or feels wetness due to sexual discharge, he/she should perform ghusl even if he/she did not remember having any dream. When the boy ejaculates due to sexual arousal, whether voluntary or involuntary, he should perform ghusl. The same rule applies to the girl if she had an orgasm or vaginal discharge.

Young men and young women who are about to get married should know that during sexual intercourse, as soon as penetration occurs they both should perform ghusl whether there was discharge or not. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "When he sits between her arms and legs, and the two organs touch, and his organ disappears (in hers), there should be ghusl, whether he ejaculated or not." (Muslim) When the girl does not see anymore blood at the end of her menses, she should perform ghusl. The married woman should know that after childbirth she should make ghusl as soon as the bleeding stops. The next step is obviously to teach the child how to perform ghusl and the Sunan acts of ghusl. He or she should know the acts that are unlawful to him or her while in a state of sexual impurity. These include: During menstruation, or after birth bleeding, a woman is forbidden to pray, fast, hold the Qur'an, enter a mosque unless passing through it, make tawaf (i.e., circumambulate the Ka'bah), or have sexual intercourse. For Allah says, "They ask you about menstruation, say: it is a harmful thing, therefore keep away from women during menses and go not unto them until they are clean." [2:222] Men and women who are in a state of sexual impurity (janabah) are prohibited from reading the Qur'an or touching it before making ghusl. For the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "The menstruating woman and the one in a state of sexual impurity must not read anything from the Qur'an." (Tirmidhi). They are also forbidden to pray, enter the mosque, or make tawaf. The child should learn to inspect his clothes and keep them clean from sperm (or vaginal discharge), or in fact, any liquid discharge from the sexual organs. UN-MARRIED, STAYING CHASTE Today, young people, especially young men are under constant pressure to conform to the norms of the larger society, and to express his manhood through loose sexual behavior. To be a virgin in this day and age is looked upon as a sexual deviancy, while promiscuity and sexual perversions are looked at as normal. Muslim youth should always be guarded against such thinking, and steps should be taken to guard their chastity until marriage becomes a viable option. But what should young men do, if they wish to get married but cannot afford it? Allah says concerning them, "And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste until Allah enriches them of His Bounty." [24:33] Many means are offered to Muslim youths to help them to preserve their chastity. Some have been discussed earlier, such as lowering the gaze, keeping away

from anything that induces arousal, seeking the company of righteous people and fearing the punishment of Allah. Some other ways are: Filling one's idle time with physical and intellectual activities, so that one does not engage in sexual fantasies that arouses the desire. Physical activity is also a good way to expend extra energy, and also to relieve pressure. Practicing voluntary fasting, as fasting decreases the sexual drive, and brings one closer to Allah. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Those who cannot (marry) should fast, for it is a means of cooling sexual passion." (Bukhari) Most of all, unmarried people should strengthen the religious deterrent within themselves. One good way is to remember the many verses in the Qur'an warning against zinaa. Also, they can consider the story of Yusuf, who is the perfect example of the chaste man, "And she, in whose house he was, sought to seduce him, she closed the doors and said, 'Come on, O you.' He said, 'Allah forbid! "' [12:23] DEVIATIONS ARE WRONG Regardless of the consensus of the larger society, homesexuality is not a sexual norm, or alternative. Islam considers homosexuality as a sexual deviation leading to a perverted act which goes against the natural order Allah intended for mankind. It is a corruption of the man's sexuality and a crime against the opposite sex. Therefore, the Islamic Shari'ah strictly prohibits the practice of this perverted act, which is mentioned in many places in the Holy Qur'an. The story of Prophet Lot's people, who were addicted to this practice, is the best example. Prophet Lot, alayhes salam, said to his people, "Verily, you do sodomy with men, and rob the wayfarer! And practice all wickedness in your meetings." [29:29] And he said to them, "Of all the creatures of the world, will you approach males, and leave those whom Allah has created for you to be your wives? Nay, you are a trespassing people!" [26:165-166] But their answer to Prophet Lot, alayhessalam, was, "Bring us the Wrath of Allah if you are telling us the Truth." [29:29] And so Allah gave them the punishment they deserved, "And We rained on them a rain of torment. And how evil was the rain of those who had been warned." [26:173] Because of the danger, and the atrocity of this crime, Allah has punished the people who committed it by four kinds of punishments. No people have been punished by all four combined before: He blinded their eyes, He turned the town

of Sodom upside down, He rained on them stones of baked clay piled up, and He sent against them a sayhah [a torment and an awful cry]. Just as a person who has a sexual urge should not satisfy it by committing zina, a person who has this perverted thought should not act upon it. In order to maintain the purity of the Muslim society, most Muslim scholars have ruled that the punishment for this act should be the same as for zina (i.e., one hundred whiplashes for the man who has never married and death by stoning for the married man). Some have even ruled that the punishment of both partners in sodomy is execution by the sword, if they committed the act by their own choice and agreement. For Ibn Abbas narrated that the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Whomever you found committing the crime of Lot's people [i.e., sodomy], then kill both partners." (Ahmad) The unprecedented plagues and the many dangerous diseases that have appeared in our time such as the fatal AIDS disease, and which are the result of this immoral crime, show the wisdom of inflicting such strong punishment for this sin. WHAT ABOUT MASTURBATION? Guarding one's chastity also includes staying away from masturbation. Sexual arousal may drive a person to masturbation. Such a person should know, however, that the majority of the scholars consider this practice unlawful. This ruling is based on the Words of Allah Who says, "Those who guard their private parts except from their spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for them, they are free from blame. But those who crave something beyond that, are transgressors." [23:5-7] The one who masturbates is considered be among 'those who crave something beyond that' specified in the verse. A Muslim should therefore resist this temptation by avoiding anything that leads to sexual arousal. The Prophet's advice to the Muslim youth is to seek help through frequent fasting, for it strengthens the fear of Allah, teaches self control, and cools one's desire. GETTING READY FOR MARRIAGE Unlike the misguided thinking of some 'people of the book', sexual urge and desire is neither a sinful thing, nor does abstaining from expressing it in a lawful manner, lead to a higher level of spiritual awareness. Allah created sexual urge in mankind, as it is the means by which the procreation and continuity of humanity is ensured. Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "And Allah has given you wives of your own kind, and has given you, from your wives, sons and grandsons." [16:72]

Sex is indeed a strong driving force in the human being, which demands fulfillment. Islam recognizes this urge and never denies it, but regulates it through the institution of marriage. Just as Islam strictly forbids sex outside marriage, and all means leading to it, it also prohibits celibacy. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at women and preserves your chastity. " (Bukhari) A young man who is physically and financially capable to marry should be encouraged to do so as early as possible. The parents of a young woman who is ready for marriage should let her marry as soon as an acceptable man proposes to her. It is not enough to tell our children about the dangers of fornication; we should make it a point to explain to them the many benefits of marriage. By denying them one set of behaviors, it then becomes necessary to offer them legal and acceptable alternatives. Besides being a lawful way of satisfying one's sexual urge, marriage is considered a form of worship, and the sexual act itself is a good deed for which the Muslim receives a reward. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "And in the sexual act (with your spouses) there is a charity (you will be rewarded for)." He was then asked, "A man satisfies his urge and gets reward for it?" He said, "Do you see if he satisfied it in an unlawful way, would he not get a punishment?" They said, "Yes." And then he said, "Similarly if he did it in a lawful way, he would be rewarded for it!" (Muslim) Through marriage, men and women can find tranquillity and peace with each other. Allah says, "And among His Signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put between you affection and mercy." [30:21] Marriage ensures the growth and spread of the Muslim ummah. It splits the responsibilities of raising the child between the parents, and tightens the bond between the generations. When young people become aware of the many benefits of marriage, they will no doubt look forward to it. The tremendous task of choosing a spouse for the young man or woman lies more on the shoulders of their parents, who should know about the Islamic way of choosing a spouse for their child, and also should inform the child about the etiquette of betrothal. Their next responsibility is to inform the would-be-groom and bride about what is lawful and unlawful, liked and disliked for them to do on their wedding night and beyond. SUGGESTIONS FOR SPOUSE SELECTION When choosing spouses for their children, many Muslim parents nowadays, look for physical beauty and economical prowess, and disregard requiring them to

have good Islamic character. The proper choice of an appropriate spouse for one's offspring ensures a good foundation for the family they will establish. For this reason Islam pays great attention to the way one chooses a spouse. In choosing a bride for their son, the parents should take into consideration his preferences regarding her physical beauty and character, but most importantly they should seek a Muslim woman of high moral and religious standards. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, her beauty, her nobility, or her deen (religiousness), so choose a religious woman and you will prosper." (Muslim) Similarly, the girl's father should not postpone nor refuse to marry his daughter to a man who proposes to her, if he is of sound religion, character and of equal status. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied, asks to marry your daughter, agree to his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth." (Tirmithi) Before engaging in the search for a bride, the young man and his parents should avoid certain things: It is unlawful for a Muslim to marry a woman who is a mahram to him. Also, he should not propose to a woman who is actually married; a woman who is in her iddah (the waiting period of the divorced or widowed woman); a woman whom another Muslim man has already asked in marriage -unless she has already refused the first or if he permits him-; a disbeliever, with the exception of Jewish or Christian women; or a prostitute (unless she has sincerely repented from it). It is also unlawful for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. There are also steps a girl's father should take before agreeing to the man's proposal. The father should at least: Should make sure that the man who is asking to marry his daughter is of sound religion, and is capable of supporting her. Should seek his daughter's consent before accepting the offer of the proposing man. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A woman who has been previously married has more right concerning her person than her guardian, and a virgin's consent must be asked about herself, her consent being her silence." (Bukhari and Muslim) RULES OF ENGAGEMENT It is permissible prior to proposal that the man sees the woman he intends to marry. Jabir Ibn Abdullah, radhiallahu anhu said concerning his wife, "(Before marrying her) I used to hide behind a tree to see her." The Prophet, sallallahu

alayhe wa sallam, said, "When one of you intends to marry a woman if he is able to look at what would induce him to marry her he should do so." (Abu Dawud) There are, however, rules concerning seeing the woman, that they both should respect: The man's intention of marriage should be sincere. He should not seek to meet the woman until he is satisfied about her other attributes such as her deen, morality, and character, in such a way that he is inclined to marry her, and looking at her is for him the last step toward this decision. He should first send a woman from his family whom he trusts, to see the girl and describe her to him. The girl's father should not allow the man proposing to her to look at her unless he is completely satisfied with him. The girl's father should not hide from the proposing man any serious faults his daughter may have. The man is allowed to see only the face and the hands of the woman he intends to marry. If he wants specific information about her physical appearance, he may send one of his mahram women to inquire about it, and describe it to him. There is no sin on him to look intently at her to confirm his desire to marry her. He does not have to ask her permission to look at her, it is rather better that he does it without her knowledge if he can. This way, if for any reason, he changes his mind this will not hurt her feelings. Even after the man and the woman accept each other for marriage and thus are engaged, they should remember that they are still considered strangers (nonmahram) to each other and that what is unlawful to the non-mahram is unlawful to them. This especially pertains to: looking at each other, being alone together, and going out together. Their relation to each other changes only after the marriage contract is executed. WEDDING NIGHT & BEYOND Both men and women alike look forward to no other day with more anticipation, than their wedding day. And perhaps no night can cause more joy, fear and anxiety than their wedding night. There is, however, ways described by the Prophet of Allah, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, to help make the wedding night as pleasant as the wedding day. There are desirable acts that the couple are encouraged to do on their wedding night, as well as prohibited acts, which they should avoid.

Desirable Acts It is a desirable Sunnah that the groom puts his hands on the bride's head and pray for her. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, taught us to say, "O Allah, I ask You her goodness, and the goodness of the inborn dispositions which You have given her, and I solicit Your protection from her evil, and the evil of the inborn dispositions which You have given her." (Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah) The groom can make this supplication aloud or silently. It is also desirable that they make two raka'at of voluntary salah together then invoke whatever supplication asking from Allah what they wish for themselves. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Verily, affection is from Allah and repugnance is from Satan who wants you to hate what Allah has allowed to you. So when your wife comes to you, ask her to make two raka'at with you and then say, 'O Allah, bless my wife for me, and bless me for her. O Allah, unite between us in good, and if You separate us, separate us in good." (Abu Shaybah) The groom is encouraged to please his bride and treat her with kindness. It is a sunnah that he presents to her something to drink or to eat. Asmaa bint Yazeed, radhiallahu anha, said, "I adorned Aisha, radhiallahu anha, for her wedding night, and the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, came to her side and brought a big cup of milk from which he drank and then presented it to her, but she blushed and lowered her head." (Ahmad) It is permissible that they take off all their clothes and be completely naked but it is better for them to be under a common sheet, for the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Verily Allah is modest and discreet and He likes modesty and discretion." (Ahmad, At-Tirmithi and Abu Dawud) The couple is encouraged to engage in foreplay before having intercourse. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "One of you should not fall upon his wife like the way an animal does, let there be a messenger between them." He was asked, "And what is the messenger?" He replied, "Kissing and talking." (AdDaylami) This indicates that the man should seek to satisfy his wife's desires as she satisfies his. Before starting intercourse, it is a sunnah to make the following supplication, "In the name of Allah. O Allah, keep Satan away from us, and keep Shaytan away from (the offspring) that which You grant us." (Bukhari) They are free to have intercourse in any position they wish, as Allah, subhanahu wa ta 'ala, says, "Your wives are as a tilth unto you, so approach your tilth when or how you wish." [2:223]

They are free to have intercourse any time they wish, but moderation is advised and sexual activity should not become an obsession as it may take over other activities of life. Having intercourse on the night before Friday is desirable as the Prophet said, "Whoever makes ghusl on Friday to clean himself from janabah (i.e., after having intercourse), then left for salah, it is as if he offered a camel in sacrifice." (Bukhari) After intercourse, it is desirable that they take a bath (ghusl) before going to sleep. If this presents a hardship on them they should perform ablution (wudhu) and can postpone ghusl until before Fajr salah. If they want to have intercourse a second time, it is desirable that the man performs wudhu first. For the Prophet said, "If one of you had intercourse with his wife and then wants to come to her again, it is better for him to perform wudhu, for it gives him vigor to come again." (Muslim) Prohibited Acts the Couple Must Avoid It is unlawful for them to speak to others about (or otherwise mention) anything that happened between them in intimacy. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Among those who will be in the worst position in Allah's sight on the Day of Resurrection is the man who has intercourse with his wife, and she with him, and then he spreads her secret." (Muslim) It is strictly unlawful for the couple to engage in sodomy, as the Prophet said, "Cursed is the one who comes to his wife in her anus." (Ahmad and Abu Dawud) A man asked Ibn Abbas, radhiallahu anhu, about one engaging in sodomy with his wife, and Ibn Abbas said, "This man is asking me about kufr." The Prophet sallallahu alayhe wa sallam has even said, "Whoever has intercourse [with his wife] during her menses, or commits sodomy with her, or comes to a diviner, then he disbelieved in what was revealed to Muhammad." (Tirmithi) In spite of the fact that some pious women who are on the innate nature, and refuse to comply, their husbands threaten to divorce them if they do not obey them. Some men lie to their wives who are shy to ask the religious scholars about this matter. Concerning this act, they may tell them that it is allowed, and might even present them a 'proof' from the Qur'an where Allah ta'ala says, "Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth when and how you will." [2:223] But the sunnah of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, clarifies what is mentioned in the Qur'an, when he stated that the man is allowed to approach his wife in any manner as long as it is in the place of conception (i.e., the vagina). Among the causes of this crime is to enter the pure marital life with filthy habits of forbidden perverted acts inherited from the times of jahilyiah, or with a memory full of pornographic scenes from movies that some had watched and had not repented to Allah for them.

It is well known that this act is forbidden, even when both parties agree on it. It is forbidden for the husband to have intercourse with his wife during her menstruation and childbirth bleeding, as Allah says, "They ask you concerning menstruation. Say, that is a harmful thing, therefore keep away from women during menses and go not unto them till they are clean." [2:222] Therefore the husband is not allowed to have intercourse with his wife until she purifies herself by taking ghusl after her menstruation stops, because Allah ta'ala says, "And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah has ordained for you..." [2:222] The seriousness of this sin is such that that the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, compared it to disbelief. If a person commits this sin out of ignorance of the rule of Shari'ah, then there is no blame on him, but if he committed it intentionally while he knew of the rule, then he should atone for it. The atonement is either one Dinar or half a Dinar. Some scholars say the man is free to choose between either sum of money. Other scholars say he should pay one Dinar if he had intercourse during the first days of menstruation when the bleeding was heavy, and one half Dinar if it was in the last days of menstruation when the bleeding was lighter, or before she took a bath [ghusl]. The value of one Dinar is the value of 4.25 grams of gold, which he should give to charity. The woman should not voluntarily fast before asking permission from her husband, as this deprives him from having intercourse with her. This of course excludes the obligatory fasting such as Ramadhan, or when she has to make up for the days she did not fast during Ramadhan. The wife should not refuse to satisfy her husband's sexual need without any legitimate excuse. Abu Hurairah, radhiallahu anhu, narrated that the Prophet sallallahu alayhe wa sallam said, "When the man invites his wife to his bed, but she refuses, and so he spends the night being angry at her, then the angels will curse her until the next morning." (Bukhari) Therefore, the wife should hasten to answer her husband's call, complying to the words of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, "When the man invites his wife to his bed she should satisfy him even if she were on the camel's saddle." (Sahihul-Jami') On the other hand, the husband must take into consideration his wife's disposition if she falls sick or is pregnant, or is in grief, so that their relation remains in harmony and to avoid any discord.