Modern Whig Party of America Whig Academy Leadership Course Lesson 8: Personal Conflict Management

Table of Contents
Introduction.................................................................................................................................... 3 In this Lesson................................................................................................................................. 3 Is It You or Is It Me?....................................................................................................................... 3 Conflict ........................................................................................................................................... 3 Healthy Conflict ............................................................................................................................. 4 Unhealthy Conflict......................................................................................................................... 4 What is Conflict? ........................................................................................................................... 4 Choices to Make ............................................................................................................................ 5 Making Choices ............................................................................................................................. 5 Ways to Think About Conflict ...................................................................................................... 5 Ways to Think About Conflict ...................................................................................................... 6 Ways to Think About Conflict ...................................................................................................... 6 Four Pillars of Respect ................................................................................................................. 6 Four Pillars of Respect ................................................................................................................. 7 Effects of Being Respected during Conflict ............................................................................... 7 Approaches When Working Through Conflict ........................................................................... 7 Ways to Work through Conflict.................................................................................................... 8 Ways to Work through Conflict.................................................................................................... 8 Ways to Work through Conflict.................................................................................................... 8 Confrontation ................................................................................................................................. 9 The Steps of Confrontation .......................................................................................................... 9 Handling Confrontation ................................................................................................................ 9 Survival Strategies ........................................................................................................................ 9 Survival Strategies ...................................................................................................................... 10 Survival Strategies ...................................................................................................................... 10 Key Points .................................................................................................................................... 11 Review Exercises ........................................................................................................................ 11 Summary ...................................................................................................................................... 12 References ................................................................................................................................... 12

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

Introduction
Welcome to the lesson Personal Conflict Management. This lesson defines conflict management and explores how individuals handle conflict differently. The students will determine how conflicts affect relationships, both working and personal, and examine methods to productively manage conflict.

As we work through the lesson it is important to remember: Conflict is natural. Conflict is potentially productive. Conflicting parties have common interests. Conflicts can and should be resolved.

In this Lesson
This lesson explains the definition of conflict, difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict, ways to think about conflict, the Four Pillars of Respect, ways to work through conflict, the steps of confrontation, and survival strategies. By the end of this lesson, you will be able to: Defineconflict. Use the Four Pillars of Respect in conflict situations. Apply the steps of confrontation when conflict arises.

Is It You or Is It Me?
Do you ever hear yourself saying, Can you believe the way she takes charge? or She thinks she knows everything, or He is so bossy, he is always telling others what to do. It is easy to see how others are always wrong in what they do or the way they think. So lets think about conflict. Conflict is unavoidable. It occurs within parties that have a common interest. That common interest could be because people work together or because they share the same side of the road. Basically, conflict can occur at any time when you are dealing with others, which for most of us is a good part of our day.

Conflict
People may define conflict differently because our definitions are based on how we are affected by conflict. The ultimate goal when dealing with others in conflict is to find a way to resolve conflict in a positive way and to understand settlement is not always resolution. So how do we go about finding a resolution that is positive for everyone? First, we must understand ourselves, and then be willing to work to find an approach that is effective and yet comfortable for each of us.

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

Conflict can be both healthy and unhealthy. Click on one of the types of conflict to learn more about that type.

Healthy Conflict
Conflict is healthy or constructive when it: Opens an issue to cooperative discussion. Leads to a solution of a problem. Leads to a higher level of understanding and communication between individuals or groups. Helps people to grow personally and apply their knowledge, skill, and understanding to future situations. Opens people to spontaneous communication. Increasesproductivity. Builds morale and self-esteem. Strengthens a relationship in the process of resolving the conflict. Improvesproblem-solvingskills. Releases pent-up resentments, emotion, and anxiety.

Unhealthy Conflict
Conflict becomes unhealthy or destructive when it: Diverts energy from important tasks and issues. Produces barrier to cooperative understanding and action. Decreasesproductivity. Deepens value differences. Producesirresponsible behavior like name-calling and fighting. Prevents healthy discussion and confrontation of differences. Polarizes groups and sets up sides, turning an issue into us versus them. Builds distrust between individuals and groups.

What is Conflict?
One way to define conflict is as a contest of opposing forces, discord, or antagonism existing between desires, instincts, religious and ethical ideas. There are many definitions of conflict; therefore, there will be just as many ways to view conflict. When two people are in conflict, one may think that it is just a catastrophe, while the other is thinking that although the two disagree, it is not so important. This in itself can be a conflict.

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

Understanding yourself in conflict will be a key factor when starting to work through situations with others. Remember, you can only change yourself and how you approach situations. If you want to work through conflict, you have to understand there are differences in approaches rather than people just being difficult.

Choices to Make
When working with other people, you make the choice of how you will deal with them. Were free to choose our character the type of persons we become. Were free to choose our values. Were free to choose how we treat people. Were free to choose how we handle adversity. Were free to choose how much well learn. Were free to choose what well accomplish in our life. Were free to choose our own belief system. Were free to choose our own purpose. Were free to choose our attitude regardless of circumstances. Although all of these apply, lets focus on the last statement, Were free to choose our attitude regardless of our circumstances.

Making Choices
Many times you might say you do what you do or dont do because that is how you are. If you choose to work through conflict with others, you have to decide that you will manage conflict in a positive way. You can learn all kinds of techniques, but none will make a difference if you are not willing to use them. The most important thing to understand about all of this is that at any given moment, you are making choices. Equally important is the need to understand that you are the result of your choices. Although you cant always choose what happens in your life, you can choose how to respond. Success in conflict is the result of how you approach the situation and the people involved.

Ways to Think About Conflict

There are ways you can be effective in your interpersonal skills, especially when dealing with conflict.

Thinking with an Open Mind: Creates a positive attitude.

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

 Means you dont think you already know something. Helps you to see all sides. Helps you to be more understanding. Helps you to be aware of your own limitations.

Ways to Think About Conflict

There are ways you can be effective in your interpersonal skills, especially when dealing with conflict.

Thinking for Yourself: Allows you to choose your own beliefs, values and priorities. Allows you to develop and appreciate your own character. Facilitates doing things that are right.

Ways to Think About Conflict

There are ways you can be effective in your interpersonal skills, especially when dealing with conflict.

Thinking Constructively: Promotes positive thinking. Does not allow you to be dragged down by negative thoughts. Supports thoughts that lead to building character and lead to personal achievement. By understanding your normal way of working with others and by deciding to think with an open mind, think for yourself, and think constructively, you have taken the first step to work toward a positive resolution to situations when you find yourself in conflict.

Four Pillars of Respect

Even when you do not feel like remembering your manners when faced with a conflict, if you can remember these four pillars of respect, you can work toward those positive solutions. Click on each image to learn more about that pillar of respect. 1. Manners The way you treat others will always be a key factor in your success. When in conflict, do you remember there are two sides, or do you assume you are the only one that is right? 2. Language Your words convey a lot about what you are thinking. What type of message do you send when you are in conflict? 3. Honoring the Rules Playing fair means working with the person involved in the conflict and not others who cannot affect the outcome. Speak about the conflict, not the person. MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8 6

4. Appreciating Differences When we dont, we tend to judge and when we judge, we are saying Im ok, but you are not.

Four Pillars of Respect

Have you had times when dealing with others that you have not remembered these pillars? We all have strengths and weaknesses. We all do things differently; just because someone else may do things differently than you, does not mean it is wrong. If there is a standard to meet, be willing to share the standard. Remember, conflict escalates when you discount others. Making assumptions about others can make working through conflict difficult. Instead of making assumptions, find the facts and dont jump to conclusions. You must examine your own assumptions about others and their possible assumptions about you. Assumptions are sometimes the result of experience, sometimes the result of convictions, and sometimes the result of not having all the facts.

Effects of Being Respected during Conflict

You will have positive outcomes when you remember the pillars of respect as you work through conflict. For example: We develop effective social skills and habits. We make other people feel good. We earn the respect of others. We establish good relationships. We are treated better by other people. We improve our own feeling of self worth. We build a solid reputation.

Approaches When Working Through Conflict

There are two possible approaches you can take with others when working through conflict: Cooperative Approach Where you pursue goals held in common, and we are interested in both sides and working for the best of the situation, not necessarily the individuals. Competitive Approach Where you pursue your own goals. Using this method, the conflict could go unresolved.

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

Ways to Work through Conflict

Whatever your role or situation, you will face conflict, and you must learn to work through it in a positive way. Hiding your feelings or thoughts or sharing them only with someone else who can not fix the problem will only allow it to fester and perhaps cause greater difficulty. When you share it with someone who cannot fix the problem, although you may call it venting, it just continues to stir up concerns without any hope of a resolution. Remember, solving the conflict is not just about your feelings, but it is about MWP or any organization of which you might be a part.

Ways to Work through Conflict

There are several ways to work through a conflict: Confrontation (also called care-frontation) Create a climate in which YOU judge the confrontation to be successful. Clearly identify the particular behavior in the event. Analyze the behavior involved. Work to learn from the situation.

Collaborate or negotiate Open to alternatives. Look at the pros and cons of proposed tradeoffs. Listen actively to others. Recognize when we need more. Work to appreciate the perceptions of others.

Ways to Work through Conflict

There are several ways to work through a conflict:

Withdraw Choose to step back before acting.

Accommodate Adjust your own thinking and behavior concerning the issue that is creating a problem for you. Perceive some value in what you have previously seen as a difficulty. Allow yourself to change sufficiently so the issue does not continue to prove difficult for you.

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

Avoidance Choose not to deal with the conflict at all.

Confrontation
Lets look at confrontation or care-frontation. When you work through conflict and consciously decide not to discount others or make assumptions without facts, you care enough to work through the conflict to find a positive resolution. When you decide this is the approach you would like to use, there are steps to help you work through the confrontation.

The Steps of Confrontation

The four steps of confrontation are: 1. Create a good climate. For example, dont handle the situation when emotions are high; think about the situation and then ask the person or persons to sit down and discuss. 2. Identify the particular behavior. If emotions are high, we might add extra emotion to the issue. When we stop to think about what is really causing the conflict, we solve the real issue that comes from the behavior. 3. Analyze the behavior in the particular situation. Find out what about the behavior is really causing the conflict. 4. Work to learn from the situation. We might learn the situation was not exactly what we thought; that the behaviors we show also affect the situation.

Handling Confrontation
Once you have looked at the situation, you need to decide how you are going to confront it. You can either collaborate or negotiate with the other person where you will try to find a mutually acceptable course of action. You may decide to completely withdraw from the confrontation until a later time. Or you may make some accommodations where you are changing your own perception of the situation and how it affects you. The last way to work through conflict is to completely avoid any confrontation. Although there may be times that you decide avoidance is the best choice, it should be after you have thought through the other opportunities.

Survival Strategies
Here are a few reminders and helpful hints when you find yourself in conflict:

Dont let yourself be upset when a person responds or approaches you in ways that you would not use. Dont judge by your own preferences.

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

 You cannot change the basic personality of another. It is better to work toward appreciating what others have to offer. Analyze before you react to another is deciding what their frame of reference is. Keep in mind that not all conflict is due solely to personality differences. Dont use basic personality types to label people. Confrontation is a learned skill.

Survival Strategies
Here are a few reminders and helpful hints when you find yourself in conflict: Remember that you can confront people on their good points. Consider the different ways to deal with others before taking action. Acknowledge your own feelings. Rather than attributing bad motivations to difficult people, consider less inflammatory reasons that might be causing the difficulties. Never use discounts.

Survival Strategies
Here are a few reminders and helpful hints when you find yourself in conflict: Get your Adult in gear when difficult feelings surface. Make a choice to ignore them. Dont judge the motivation of self or of others too hastily. Work on knowing your own motivations. Be aware of the impressions you are creating with others. Assume the best about others. Be ready for disappointment.

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

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Key Points
You have to decide solving conflict is important, and you must remember conflict management is not just a concept you know, but rather an action you can put to use. If you have not been willing to confront or face conflict head on in the past, this might be something that will require practice. Remember, you can have all the great methods, but they will only work if you use them.

Review Exercises
1. Which of the following are forms of healthy conflict? a. Opens an issue to cooperative discussion b. Leads to a solution of a problem c. Builds morale and self-esteem d. Diverts energy from important tasks and issues e. Deepens value differences f. Improvesproblem-solvingskills

2. What are the Four Pillars of Respect? Bold all that apply. a. Language b. Manners c. Honoring the rules d. Appreciatingdifferences e. Avoidance f. Agree to disagree

3. Which approach to working through conflict involves working for the best of the situation, not necessarily the individuals? a. Cooperativeapproach b. Competitiveapproach c. Teamapproach d. Situationalapproach

4. Which of the following is an example of handling confrontation through accommodation? a. Create a climate in which YOU judge the confrontation to be successful b. Open to alternatives c. Choose to step back before acting d. Adjust your own thinking and behavior concerning the issue that is creating a problem for you e. Choose not to deal with the conflict at all

MWP Academy Leadership Course

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5. What is the first advised step in confrontation?

a. Analyze the behavior in the particular situation b. Create a good climate c. Work to learn from the situation d. Identify the particular behavior

Summary
Congratulations! This completes the lesson Personal Conflict Management. In this lesson, you learned about the definition of conflict, difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict, ways to think about conflict, the Four Pillars of Respect, ways to work through conflict, the steps of confrontation, and survival strategies.

You should now be able to: Defineconflict. Use the Four Pillars of Respect in conflict situations. Apply the steps of confrontation when conflict arises.

References
Urban, Hal, Lifes Greatest Lessons, Simon & Schuster, Inc., 2003 Keating, Charles J., Dealing With Difficult People, Paulist Press, 1984 Toropov, Brandon, Getting Along With Difficult People, Alpha Books, 1997 Why People Fail And What To Do About It, Tri Starr Services or Pennsylvania, Inc.

This document property of the MWP PAC and is not part of any political campaign or individual candidacy.

MWP Academy Leadership Course - Lesson 8

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