Supporting the Person Without Enabling
Instructor: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director: AllCEUs Counselor Continuing Education
Podcast host: Counselor Toolbox and Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Objectives
~ Explore how a person becomes an enabler
~ Define enabling
~ Examine the consequences of enabling
~ Learn about the connection between enabling and co-dependency
~ Define characteristics of codependency and how they may develop from being in an enabling relationship
~ Examine practical strategies to provide support and encouragement to the loved one without enabling.
What Makes an Enabler
~ A person that you love who is in trouble or experiencing pain
~ An addicted person
~ A person with mental health issue
~ A person with chronic pain
~ A child
~ A sense of responsibility for the problem (If I would have been more aware…, If I had…)
~ Denial that there is a problem requiring professional help (initially)
~ Once you have “helped” once it is hard to stop
~ Emotional manipulation to maintain the behavior
What is Enabling
~ Enabling behavior:
~ Protects the person from the natural consequences of his behavior
~ Keeps secrets about the person’s behavior from others in order to keep peace
~ Makes excuses for the person’s behavior (with teachers, friends, legal authorities, employers, and other family members)
~ Bails the person out of trouble (pays debts, fixes tickets, hires lawyers, and provides jobs)
~ Blames others for the person's behaviors (friends, teachers, employers, family, and self)
~ Sees “the problem” as the result of something else (shyness, adolescence, loneliness, broken home, ADHD, or another illness)
~ Avoids the person in order to keep peace (out of sight, out of mind)
~ Gives help that is undeserved, unearned or unappreciated
What is Enabling
~ Enabling behavior:
~ Attempts to control the other person by planning activities, choosing friends, and getting them jobs and doctor appointments
~ Makes threats that have no follow-through or consistency
~ “Care takes” the person by doing what she/he is expected to do for herself/himself
~ Ignoring the person’s negative or potentially dangerous behavior
~ Difficulty expressing emotions –especially if there are negative repercussions for doing so
~ Prioritizing the needs of the person with the addiction before their own
~ Acting out of fear – Since addiction can cause frightening events, the enabler will do whatever it takes to avoid such situations
~ Resenting the person with the addiction
What Does Enabling Look Like
~ “He’s so irresponsible with money, he could never make it on his own. If I kicked him out, he would be homeless. What else can I do?”
~ “Every time I’ve tried to talk to her about her addiction, she’s gone on an even worse binge, and I’m afraid she will overdose.”
~ “I know I shouldn’t have paid for his lawyer after the third DUI, but if he went to jail, he would lose his job, and we rely on his income.”
~ “Every time she and her boyfriend fight, she crashes here. I let her because I know he can be violent, and I don’t want her to be hurt.”
~ “If I don’t get the emails, he will miss them and lose his scholarship.”
~ “It is my fault she is in pain, so I must do whatever she wants.”
~ “If I can’t change what he did, at least I can limit the damage.”
~ “Maybe he will wake up and come to his senses.”
~ “Maybe I just need to find the right treatment for him.”
Consequences of Enabling
~ Enablers detest the behaviors of the enabled, but fear the consequences of those behaviors even more.
~ They are locked into a lose-lose position in the family. Setting boundaries feels like a punishment or abandonment of the pe