ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC.

 Love
 Lust
 Attraction
 Chemistry
 Intimacy
 Friendship
 Romance
 Passion
Marriage?

 Until about 150 years ago, marriage was not

about two people in love.
 The purpose of marriage: meet the needs of the
group by forming alliances with other groups.
 Through the ages, marriage was an economic
and political alliance: dowry, land, mutual
defence and enough people to produce wealth,
work the land, exchange goods.
 Husband and wife depended on each other to
run the family enterprise, neither could do it
alone.
 Most important source of social security,
medical care and economic support and
survival.
 Being so important for so many people,
marriages were not decided by the man
and woman alone based on attraction.
 Love and lust were abundant, but
unrelated to marriage.
 Factors that helped usher the love
marriage:
 industrialization: individual has more value
 affluence: less dependence on family

literacy: romantic novels
 later, movies
 increased longevity

secularization
 women financially independent
 lower birth rate
 19th century: W. Europe and N. America
accept new view: husbands as providers
and wives as nurturing homemakers. But
only by the 1950s could a family survive
on only one salary.
 Love based marriage means that if love
fizzles, the couple need not stay together:
rise of divorce.
 Expectations are high:
 love
 passion
 friendship
 mutual liking and appreciation
 sharing many interests
 companionship

intimacy

commitment

equal participation
 economic partnership
 Disappointments also tend to be high.
ATTRACTION:
 What makes us feel attracted to another
person?
 familiarity
 propinquity (geographical closeness)
 complementarity (opposites attract)
 similarity (birds of a feather…)

income, profession, status, power (especially
for men)
 common values: long term
 personality: short and long term
Chemistry of attraction:
 Arousal: phenylethylamine (PEA)
 Touch: endorphins
 Touch: oxytocin
 Arousal short lived: 6-24 months
 Depletion of neurochemicals, wear and tear
 Some people become addicted: change partners
often
 Also, lack of accurate information: belief in
passionate love forever
 Historical, generational differences
Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):
 DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone):

secreted by adrenal glands
 weak androgen
 most sex hormones as well as pheromones,
derived from it.
 same amount for males and females in
bloodstream
 Pheromones:

derived from DHEA

sexual signals for both sexes
 sensed by the vomeronasal organ
Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):
 Oxytocin:
 pituitary
 released when touching or being touched by
loved ones, even not in a couple relationship

seen as important for attachment
 involved in parental behaviours
Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):
 PEA (phenylethylamine):

called “the molecule of love”
 euphoria
 amphetamine-like substance
 produced in brain capillaries (endothelium)
and in catecholaminergic terminals
 low PEA levels associated with depression
 some depressions successfully treated with
PEA
 some people become addicted to the PEA
“high” and change partners frequently to get
it, as it’s higher early in a relationship
Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):
 Estrogen:
 makes women sexually attractive and
receptive
 skin, lips, hair, fatty padding (curves), breasts,
hips
 Testosterone:
 increases sex drive in both sexes
 too much is counterproductive
Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):
 Endorphins:
 produced in the brain
 released also in response to touch and sex

positive feelings
 Progesterone:
 testosterone antagonist

lowers sex drive
 in the pill, it lowers sex drive too
 mild sedative, calming effect
Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):
 Serotonin:
 neurotransmitter
 at low levels intensifies sex drive

at high levels decreases it
 antidepressants elevate serotonin – decrease
sex drive
 Dopamine:

neurotransmitter associated with all pleasures
 related to substance addiction
 increases sex drive, promotes action
Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):
 Prolactin:

decreases sex drive, especially in men
(couvade)
 Vasopressin:

hormone produced by pituitary

antidiuretic

increases blood volume and blood pressure

“monogamy molecule”
 modulates testosterone
 levels extremes of feelings
 increases focus in lovemaking
Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d):
 All these substances fluctuate during the
day and with age and environmental
events.
 The “high” is short lived (6-30 months).
 Cultural belief in “passionate love forever”.
Passionate love vs. companionate love:
 Passionate love: bonds in initial stages,
flares up occasionally. May or may not
lead to long-term. Not useful to weather
hurdles of life.
 Companionate love: warm, steady bond,
more realistic for long haul, friendship,
knowledge of partner, acceptance ‘warts
and all’, long-term commitment.
 Different couples have different mix of
each. In some, passionate love
reawakens in empty-nest phase.
LOVE STYLES:
• eros
• ludus
• storge
• pragma
• mania
• agape
 Eros:
 romantic, passionate love, physical chemistry, instant attraction,
intense, satisfying
 Ludus:
 game-playing love, having two or more loves concurrently, dangling
on a string, not serious
 Storge:
 friendship love, friends that over time become a couple, friends
even if they break up
 Pragma:
 logical, “shopping list”, planned choice based on logic and practical
considerations
 Mania:
 Possessive and dependent love, unable to sleep or eat, frantic if
loved one out of range, can’t concentrate on anything else.
 Agape:
 Self-sacrificing love, spiritual, selfless.
THEORETICAL APPROACHES
Sociobiology:
 The purpose of attraction is to propagate the
species, transmission of genetic material.
 Attractive characteristics are those that
maximize survival of the species.
 Women: young and healthy, physical
attractiveness highly correlated.
 Males: good providers, tall and strong and with
obvious material means.
 Speculation, no proof in favour, proof against.
SOME THEORIES OF ATTRACTION (Cont’d):
 Byrne’s Law: more reinforcements than
punishments
Berscheid and Walster’s Two Component
Theory:
1. physiological arousal, undifferentiated,
adrenaline: heart rate, blood pressure,
respiration, etc.
2. cognitive attribution: how we explain arousal.
Influenced by situational cues.
E.g. exercise, Capilano bridge
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory:
• passion
• intimacy
• commitment
Best match: partners similar in all three
Many theorists underline capacity for
intimacy:
• physical: non -sexual
• sensual
sexual
• emotional:
• trust
• self-disclosure (mutual)
• vulnerability
• security
Some cultures confuse sensual and sexual
intimacy, leading to touch deprivation.
 Touch deprivation can lead to:
 depression
 sexual deviance
 inappropriate use of sex
 Emotional intimacy:
 based on early experiences.
 Erikson:
 trust vs. mistrust (1st year of life)
 Ainsworth Attachment Theory:
 secure attachment
 insecure anxious ambivalent
 insecure anxious avoidant

disorganized
(mothers and infants)
Plus

innate temperament
 environmental influences
 historical influences
 Generational differences:
 concept of love
 Gender differences
Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991)
 Attachment styles:

secure
 preoccupied
 dismissing
 fearful
 Secure:
 see self as lovable, expect others to be
accepting and responsive
 Preoccupied:

see self as unlovable but see others
positively, seek acceptance by them
Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) (Cont’d)
 Dismissing:
 see self as lovable but see other negatively,
may put up barriers for self-protection
 Fearful: see self and others negatively,
avoid relationships
 Importance of childhood, family history.
Can lead to ‘dysfunctional’ relationships.
 Ability to have long-term, satisfying
relationships is related to identity
development.
 Four identity types:
 identity achieving

moratorium
 diffuse
 foreclosed
 Individuals in identity achieving:

self knowledge
 ability to focus on each other (not self-
absorbed)

sensitive to partner’s feelings and needs
 good communication
 equal power

good conflict management
 stable relationship
 Partners with foreclosed identity:

settled early, no search for alternatives
 accept everything from older generation
 rigid

stable relationships if no change
 many couples who married in the 50s with
foreclosed identities are divorcing now
 Partners in moratorium identity:

identity in crisis
 self-preoccupied, not sensitive enough to
partner’s emotional needs

alternate between avoidance and
engagement
 unstable relationship
 Partners with diffuse identity:

mutual dependency
 not trying to achieve separate identities
 rely on each other for self-definition

make excessive demands on partner
 threatened if one attempts independence

communication vague
 repression of conflict and hostility
 very susceptible to external pressures:
• adult responsibilities, finances, parents/in-laws,
arrival of children
TYPES OF INTIMACY
 Mutual intimacy:
 commit part of self to union but retain
individuality
 strong degree of commitment

equal sharing of power
 high levels of communication
 same basic values
 accurate perception of partner’s needs
 good conflict resolution
 Pseudointimacy:
 interaction at superficial level
 low level of true communication
 conflict avoidance rather than resolution
 can last if mutually convenient
 can have similar values
 Merger:
 one dominant partner, one submissive
 can last if values remain same
 rigid roles

relate in stereotyped ways

low awareness of partner’s emotional needs
MARRIAGE:

Young adulthood (20-45)

 Conflict (Erikson):

Independence/loneliness
vs
 Intimacy/loss of freedom
 Advantages:

intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual)
 interdependence (sharing resources and
tasks)

belongingness (Maslow)
 shared parenting
 continuity (memories, habits)

shared identities (partial)
 men: better mental, physical health, longevity
 Disadvantages:

constraints of shared decisions
 loss of privacy
 need to accept other’s habits, quirks

responsibilities
 women: double shift, others come first
TYPES OF MARRIAGE:
• Traditional
• Modern (Sr./Jr. Partners)
• Contemporary

Subjective perceptions differ from objective

assessments: partners tend to see equality
where outside observers don’t.
COHABITATION:
 More common today:
 POSSLQ: Persons of the Opposite Sex
Sharing Living Quarters
 Young adults: “courtship”, usually precedes
marriage
 Middle-aged and old: widowed or divorced
SAME SEX COUPLES:
 Men:
 Relatively low % monogamous
 Women:

Higher % monogamy, serial monogamy
common
SEX AND MARRIAGE:
 Enormous individual differences
 Frequency higher before children and
after empty nest
 Couples satisfied with sex report
satisfaction with marriage overall
 Actively religious women report better sex
life in marriage, more orgasms. In
decreasing order: Jewish, Protestant,
Catholic
Cultural Differences:
1. Group/family orientation: collectivistic
2. Individual orientation: individualistic
1. individual wants less important than group
needs and decision
2. individuals more important
 Immigrants:

intergenerational conflicts
 Arranged marriages:
 pragmatic vs. love marriages

 Importance of social support