Relationships

Unhealthy Relationships
&
Codependency

Application of Bowen Family

Systems

By

Melissa D.L. Jacobs

 Terms & Definitions
 Love: a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal
attachment or deep affection

 Relationship: a connection, association or involvement

 Addiction: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is

psychologically or physically habit forming…to such an extent that its cessation causes severe
trauma

 Obsession: an idea or feeling that completely occupies the mind

 Codependency: a pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval

from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity
Popular Culture
Song Examples
 Beginning of an Unhealthy Relationship
I thought love was only true in fairytales
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get me
That’s the way it seems
Disappointment hounded all my dreams
And then I saw her face
Now I’m a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I’m in LOVE –ooh
I’m a believer
I couldn’t leave her if I tried.

- “I’m a believer” Smash Mouth

from the Shrek Soundtrack
Unhealthy Relationship with Obsession
You’ll always be a part of me
I’m part of you indefinitely
Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me
Ooh Darling cause you’ll always be my baby
It will linger on
Time can’t erase a feeling this strong
No Way You’re Never Gonna Shake Me
Ooh Darling cause you’ll always be my baby…

You and I will always be…

- “Always be my baby” Mariah Carey

Unhealthy Relationship with
Addiction
Baby I can’t see my WORTH
Living here on God’s green earth
You don’t know what you done to me
I never thought I’d need you desperately
It’s kind of SICK, how I’m stuck on you
But I don’t care cause I’m needing you
And how I feel will remain the same
Cause you’re my baby

And when the world starts to stress me out

It’s to you boy without a doubt
Who keeps me sane and I can’t complain
You’re like a DRUG, you relieve my pain
You’re like the blood flowing through my veins
Keeps me alive and feeding my brain
Now this is how another human life could have
the power to take over mine
Cause you’re my baby, baby, baby

- “Baby” by Ashanti
 Healthy v/s Unhealthy Relationships
Healthy Relationship:
 Supportive of each other
 No expectations to “fix” one another
 Sense of freedom “individuality”
 Open Systems
 Strong sense of self-worth
 Team work to be a harmonious unit
 Equality
 Good communication
 Clear defined boundaries
 Trust & Respect
Is there a balance of togetherness and individuality?
Unhealthy Relationship:
 Abandonment of self
 Low self-worth & self-esteem
 Boundary Issues
 Control Issues
 Fear of separation
 Closed System
 Lack of trust & respect
 Violence or Abuse
Relating Styles
Men Women

 Logic  Nurturing, sharing and

 Autonomy giving
 Individuation  Focus on
 “I” communication
 Value relationships over
self and considers the
needs of others first
 “We”
Bowen Family Systems Theory
Bowen family systems theory is a theory of human behavior that
views the family as interconnected to the other members and
forces within the family.

 Differentiation of self
 Triangles
 Nuclear family emotional system
 Family projection process
 Emotional cutoff
 Multigenerational transmission process
 Sibling position
 Societal regression
Differentiation of Self in Relationships
Individuals with a well developed differentiated “self”:

 Possess the ability to maintain their self, goals, values, and beliefs
despite pressure, opposition, or conflict from others.

 Possess the ability to avoid engaging in unhealthy REACTIVE

behaviors.

 Possess the ability to not let their emotions cloud their judgment or
behaviors.

 Possess the ability to avoid relationship patterns of cut-off and fusion

and remain connected in relationships while maintaining their “self.”
Differentiation of Self in Relationships
Individuals in unhealthy relationships according to Bowen theory:

 have a poorly developed “self”

 are greatly impacted by “others” and rely on their acceptance and approval
(external validation)

 try to control “others” actively or passively

 spend most of their time focusing on and maintaining the relationships around them
- major life decisions are made to avoid conflict – they “lose themselves” in the
relationships

 are emotional and live in a “feeling” world

 have chronic anxiety

Anxiety

Why is anxiety a major factor in Bowenian Theory?

 Anxiety causes Reactivity an automatic reaction

to others which decreases the ability to think and
respond independently

 Anxiety results in emotional cutoffs or emotional

distance in relationships
 Emotional Cut-Offs

 An individual who has unresolved cut-offs in their family of origin will try
to compensate in personal relationships.

 The new relationships provides a false sense of security.

 Efforts are made to “fix” problems from the past relationships with the new
relationship.

 Individuals with Emotional Cut-Offs lack supportive relationships and the

network of relationships that is needed to decrease isolation.

 Isolation increases dependency on the relationship. Increased dependency

results in unrealistic expectations from partners to compensate for the
family system.
Determining Extent of Cut-Off
Assess the degree of cut-off by determining the:

 amount of distance that is used to handle unresolved

attachment issues
 current level of anxiety in the relationship
 nature of cut-off
a. Overt/External: little contact or
involvement
b. Covert/Internal: involvement with little
personal interaction
Determining Extent of Cut-Off
Assessing Cut-off by:

 Frequency of contact
 Geographic proximity
 Degree of openness (i.e. Do you talk with your
mother about personal thoughts or feelings?)
 Involvement with the broader family
 Responsible involvement with family events
and transitions
Why address Emotional Cut-Offs in therapy?

 Helping clients to become aware of their

multigenerational family system and their role
within this system, and developing responsible
involvement in the family will usually
decrease reactivity in their personal
relationships.
Goals of Bowen Family Therapy

 To reduce anxiety and give relief of

symptoms, which will allow more thoughtful
exploration of the problem or pattern.

 Increase self-differentiation, which will allow

in unhealthy relationships a greater chance for
a balancing of togetherness and individuality.
Practice Techniques for Bowenian Family
Systems Therapy
 Genogram: organize important multigenerational family data to track
relationship processes and key triangles – reconnect with emotional cutoffs

 Coaching/Process Questions: to diminish reactive anxiety and allow

objective observation and thought so clients can figure out family emotional
processes and roles within the family system

 Relationship Experiments: for emotional pursers and distancers to

recognize role in family system and see that the strong need for attachment
or detachment is due to unfinished business in the family of origin

 The “I” Position: to break the cycle of emotional reactivity by being less
confrontational in communication

 Displacement stories: showing movies, listening to music, or telling

stories to teach how family systems function without causing defensiveness
Codependency
Definitions:

 A person who is addicted to another person and their problems, or to a

relationship and its problems. (Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse)

 A person who has let another person's behavior affect him/her and is obsessed
with controlling that person's behavior. (Melody Beattie)

 A person who has an unhealthy dependence on another person/persons such

that they are over-involved with the other and under-involved with the self,
which leads to a loss of personal balance and power, confused identity, and
blurred boundaries within relationships. This occurs and is nurtured in an
atmosphere of denial and collusion. (MJ Monahan)

-Adult Children Anonymous

Characteristics of Codependency
 Denial and Control of reality and feelings about
reality
 Need to be needed
 Need to be liked
 Need to be seen as OK, competent
 Fears — abandonment; being alone; growing up
 Enabling — "Helping" that is not "Helpful"
 Other has not asked for help
 Other does not need the help
 You really do not want to give the help
-Adult Children Anonymous
Codependency?
Should we label clients with the disease of
codependency?

OR

Should we affirm clients that their need for connections are

important and empower them to examine their family
relationships to understand why and how they relate?

Should we encourage them to identify and seek out

relationships where connectedness is mutually desired?
Codependency and Self-Help
Promises of Recovery from Unhealthy
Relationships
I. We accept ourselves fully, even while wanting to change parts of ourselves. There is a basic self-love and self-regard,
which we carefully nurture and purposely expand.

II. We accept others as they are, without trying to change them to meet our needs.

III. We are in touch with our feelings and attitudes about every aspect of our lives, including our sexuality.

IV. We cherish every aspect of ourselves: our personalities, our appearance, our beliefs and values, our bodies, our interests,
and our accomplishments. We validate ourselves rather than searching for relationships to give us a sense of self-worth.

V. Our self-esteem is great enough that we can enjoy being with others, especially men, who are fine just as they are. We do
not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.

VI. We allow ourselves to be open and trusting with appropriate people. We are not afraid to be known at a deeply personal
level, but also we do not expose ourselves to the exploitation of those who are not interested in our well-being.

VII. We learn to question, “Is this relationship good for me? Does it enable me to grow into all I am capable of being?”

VIII. When a relationship is destructive, we are able to let go of it without experiencing disabling depression. We have a circle
of supportive friends and healthy interests to see us through crisis.

IX. We value our own serenity above all else. All the struggles, drama, and chaos of the past have lost their appeal. We are
protective of ourselves, our health, and our well-being.

X. W e know that a relationship, in order to work, must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals,
and who each have a capacity for intimacy. We also know that we are worthy of the best that life has to offer.
-Robin Norwood
“Daily Mediations for Women who Love too much”
References
 Adult Children Anonymous (2004). http://www.intrepidsoftware.com/rec/defines.php. Retrieved March 20, 2004.
 Beattie, M. (1989). Beyond Codependency: And getting better all the time. New York: Hazelden.
 Collins, B. (470). Reconstructing Co-dependency Using Self-in-Relation Theory: A feminist perspective. Social Work, 38(4), 470-476.
 Covingtion, S. (1988). Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The path from relationship addiction to intimacy. New York: Harper San
Francisco.
 Hewuttm R., Coak, H., & Smale, R. (2004). I love you-neither do I: Co-dependent and abusive relationships of women clients of the
addiction services. Mental Health Practice, 7(5), 30-32.
 Katz, D. (2004). Checking the Health of Your Relationships. Lesbian News, 29(7), 51.
 Lerner, H.(1990). The Dance of Intimacy: A women’s guide to courageous acts of change in key relationships. New York: Harper &
Row.
 Norwood R. (1997). Daily meditations of women who love too much. New York: MJF Books.
 Norwood, R. (1985). Women who love too much: When you keep wishing and hoping he’ll change. New York: St. Martins Press
 Schaffer, B. (1987). Is it Love or is it Addiction: Falling into healthy love. New York: Hazelden.
 Titeman, P. (2003). Emotional Cutoff: Bowen family systems theory perspectives. New York: Haworth.
 Wegscheider-Cruse, S. (1985). Choice-making: For co-dependents, adult children, and spirituality seekers. Pompano Beach, Fla:
Health Communication.