Developing

Positive
Assertiveness
JamieJohnson
johns2ja@jmu.edu

 IntroWhoamI?
Whoareyou?
Whyareyouhere?
(Orbetterphrased,Whatbringsyouhere?*Whatmakesthisbetterphrased?)

Whatisassertiveness?

WhatassertivenessisNOT:

Aggressive
Passive
PassiveAggressive

*Remember:
FightFlightRightandwewanttodowhatisRight!

Aggressivenessmayinvolve

Fight
Disrespectingothersrightstoretainyourownrights.
Winningatallcosts.
Communicatingsarcastically.
Attackingthepersoninsteadoffocusingonthebehavioror
problemsolving.
Violatingboundaries.
Attemptingtocontrolothers.
[Examplevideo]
Aretheretimestobeaggressive?

Passivenessmayinvolve

Flight
Possiblyrespectingothersrightswhileignoringyourown
rights.
Notcommunicatingdirectlywhenthesituationwarrantsit.
Allowingotherstowalkonorcontrolyou.
Allowingyourboundariestobeviolated.
Indecisiveness.
[Examplevideo]
Aretheretimestobepassive?

PassiveAggressiveness
mayinvolve

FightFlightpattern.
EitherrespectingONLYyourrightsORothers
rights.
Notaddressingtheproblemorbehavior.
Talkingaboutpeoplebehindtheirback/Gossip
Fluctuatingbetweenviolatingothersboundariesor
havingyourboundariesviolated.

Whatisassertiveness?

Right.
Respectingothersrightsaswellasyourownrights.
Communicatingeffectively,directly,andwithconfidence.
Dealingwithconflicteffectivelyandcalmly.
Handlingandreceivingfeedbackeffectively.
Settingboundaries.
Focusisonbehaviorandproblemsolvinginsteadof
attacking/ignoringtheperson.

CommunicationStyles

AndNow

NoPressure!
(Iwanttorespectyourboundaries)

Althoughmostsituationswarrantassertive
behavior.
Mostofusarenotassertive.
Eventhosewhoaretrainedarenotassertiveall
thetime.
Whatsyourdefault?

Techniques

WhenyouIfeelIwouldlike
Istatements
Brokenrecord
Acknowledgement,validation,gratitude
Beproactive.

WhenyouIfeelIwould
like:
Whenyou(describethepersonsbehavior)
Ifeel(stateyouremotion)
Iwouldlike(statealternativebehavior)
Cautions.
Letsroleplay

Istatements

Anexampleis,IfeelorIwouldlike
PreventsusingYouwhichmayleadtoattackingthe
otherperson.
Restate:Youaresoegotisticalandfullofyourselfand
yourownideas!toIwouldlikeyoutoconsiderthis
idea.
Istatementsexercise:RestatethefollowingasI
statements.
Letsroleplay

BrokenRecord

Thetelemarketercallsduringsupper.
No.
Repeatafterme:No.
Sticktoyourguns.
Thiscanbeeffectivewithguilttripsand
gamespeoplemayplaytoviolateboundaries.
Letsroleplay

Acknowledgement,Validation,Gratitude
Receivingacomplimentorfeedbackisanassertiveact.
Validatethatsomeonehasspoken,evenifusingminimal
responsesasdemonstratedinactivelisteningskills.
Asyoufocusonbehaviors,facts,andtheproblemtobesolved,
makesuretovalidatetheotherpersonsfeelings:Iknowitwas
ahardday
Thankyou(forfeedbackpositiveornegative)alifeof
gratitude
Letsroleplay

BeProactive

Takeaction.
Youcanchoose.
Beingreactiveanddefensivecanresultinblame:
Blamingothers(aggression)
Blamingself(passivity)

Takeresponsibilityforyouractions.Sometimes,thismaymean
admittingyouwerewrong.
Forgivenesssurrenderingtheperceivedrighttotakerevengeonanother.
Choosingnottotakerevenge.Itdoesnotnecessarilymeanforgetting(Fred
DiBlasio).
DogPoopInitiativeKirkWeisler

AdvancedTechniques
(onlyiftimepermits):

Boundariesandexpectations
Detriangulation
ConflictResolution:Focusonbehavior,problemwheninconflict.
Considerissuesaroundyourowngoalsand
anger/anxiety/depression.
Coping
TRUTH
Addressingfaultycognitions

BoundariesandExpectations:

Whatisaboundary?
Doesnthavetobeawall.
FencesandAutomaticGarageDoors
DogsandFences
WhatdoYouExpect?byJamieJohnson

Detriangulation:

Effectivefordealingwithgossip,enmeshment,passive
aggressiveness.
GossipaboutLuke:IheardthatLukeisjealousofHan.
HaveyoucheckedwithLukeaboutthis?

ComplainingaboutLuke:Lukeswhiningisgettingonmy
nerves!Whydontyoutellhimtocanit!
IthinkyoushouldtalktoLukeaboutthis.

Trytoconnectthetwoindividualswhosharetheproblemor
issue.
Dontbecomethemaninthemiddle.

ConflictResolutionFocusonbehavior/problem(Conflict

mayresumedespiteyourbestefforts):
Donotpersonalizeorattack.
Describebehavioryoucanactuallyseeinsteadofsomethingthat
couldhavevaryingdefinitionstotheotherpersonorinsteadof
emotionalizingitandattackingthepersondirectlyorindirectly.
Forexample:WhenyouturnaroundwhenIamtalkingas
opposedtoWhenyouignoreme
Insteadofpicturingtwoboxersfacingoneanother,picturethetwoof
yousittingonthesamesideofthetablefocusedtogetheronthe
problemonthetable.

Goals:

Desire(Iwouldlike)vs.Goal(Ineed)Dr.LarryCrabb

Remember:Youdontcontroltheperson.Youcanonly
influence.

Anger/Anxiety/Depression:

Angercanoccurwhenyourinappropriategoalsareblocked.
Anxietycanoccurwhenyourinappropriategoalsareuncertain.
Depressioncanoccurwhenyourinappropriategoalsaredeemedunreachable.
Whatisyourgoal?Isitappropriate?
Doyoucontroleverythingtomakethatgoalhappen?
Ifnot,thenchangeyourgoaltoadesire,especiallyifanotherpersonis
involved.
Ifyoudonotgetyourdesire,youcanfeeldisappointmentinsteadofanger.

Anger/Anxiety/Depression:
Angercanbeamaskforaanotheremotionsuchas
disappointment,sadness,anxiety,fear,orhurt.
Peoplecaninfluenceustobecomeangry,butcannot
makeusangrysinceangercomesfromourbeliefs.
Angerisnotalwaysabadthing.
Amoderateamountofanxietyaccomplishes
much.

Anger/Anxiety/Depression:
ABCD
A=ActivatingEventWhathappened?
B=BeliefWhatareyourbeliefsbehindtheemotion?
C=EmotionalConsequenceWhatdoyoufeel?
D=DisputeDisputetheirrationalbeliefs.

Whataretheconflict,choices,andconsequences?
***Whatcanyouchange/notchange?***

Coping:
Apsychologicalcrisismayexistifoneofthefollowing
ismissing:
Asupportnetwork
Arealisticperceptionoftheevent
Ahistoryofhealthycopingskills(techniques)

SOURCE:DonnaC.Aguilera
Whatstheapplicationforassertiveness?

TRUTHmodelbyJamieJohnson:

Triggerevent
wRongthinking
Unhealthyresponsesruledout
Truthaboutthesituation
Healthyresponse

FaultyCognitions:

Focusedonthedetails
EmotionalReasoning
Magnification
Overgeneralization
Personalization
Splitting

Focusedonthedetails:

STUCKONTHEDETAILS(selectiveabstraction)
Focusingononedetailandmissingthebigpicture.Lookingat
onetreeandmissingtheforest.

SOLUTION:

Whatisthebigpicture?
Whatistrueconsideringallthings?

EmotionalReasoning:

HowIfeeliswhatIthink.
SOLUTION:

Callanemotionwhatitisandchangethethoughtsthatlead
toit.

Magnification:

Makingthingsbiggerthanwhattheyreallyare.
Makingmountainsoutofmolehills.
Majoringintheminors.
SOLUTION:

Whatisthetruesize???

Overgeneralization:

Believingthatonethingthathappensistrueforall
things.
SOLUTION:

It rained
today.

Whatistrueandrealistic?
Isthisawaytotrytoavoidresponsibilityandnotworkfor
change?

I guess it will rain EVERY

day.

Personalization:

Takingthingspersonally.
Thinkingeverythingismeantaboutyou.
SOLUTION:

Letwhatsomeoneelsesaystellaboutthem.
Whatdoyouthink?Isittrue?

Splitting:

AllorNonethinking
Only2choicesAllorNone
Aversionoffightorflight
SOLUTION:

Thinkofmoreideasbesidesthe2choices

Applicationsforthismaterial:

Work
Family,especiallyextendedfamily
CustomerService
Conflict
Others?

DEVELOPING AN
ASSERTIVENESS PLAN:
Have you USED SWOT?
USED:

Use/Stop/Exploit/Defend

SWOT:
Strengths/Weaknesses/Opportunities/Threats

Questions
and
Answers

SOURCESbyTopics(inbold):
Overviewandsomepsychotherapeuticmaterials:Johnson,JamesJamieArthur,M.A.(former
LPC).(19992004).
Istatements:Johnson,JamesJamieArthur,M.A.(formerLPC).(2002).IStatementsExercise.
TRUTHmodel:Johnson,JamesJamieArthur,M.A.(formerLPC).(2002).TruthModel.
Expectations:Johnson,JamesJamieArthur,M.A.(formerLPC).(2008).Whatdoyouexpect?.
Online:http://beacondeacon.com/ichthus/personal/WhatDoYouExpect.htm.
PersonalSelfAssessment:"DevelopingPositiveAssertiveness"trainingpresentedbyMarisaGeisser
andMichelleGrilliandindirectlyfromthesourcesthereof:

Covey,S.R.(1999).The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople.NewYork:FirstFiresideedition.
Dombeck,M.&WellsMoran,J.(2006).SettingBoundariesAppropriately:AssertivenessTraining.
RetrievedOctober2,2008fromhttp://mentalhelp.net
Keeps,E.J.,Stolovitch,H.D.(2002).TellingAintTraining.Baltimore:VictorGraphics.
Lloyd,S.R.(2002).DevelopingPositiveAssertiveness:ThirdEdition.USA:
VonHoffmanGraphicsInc.

SOURCESbyTopicscontinued:
AssertivenessVideo:CRMLearning(2008).BeingAssertive(DVD).http://www.crmlearning.com
Whenyou...Ifeel...Iwouldlike:Glanzer,James,LPC,FamilyLifeResourceCenter.Harrisonburg,VA.
Forgiveness:DiBlasio,FrederickA.,PhD.UniversityofMarylandSchoolofSocialWork.
BeingProactive:Weisler,KirkA.(2005).TheDogPoopInitiative.TeamDynamics,Inc.
Anger,Anxiety,Depressionandgoals:Morrison,John,FBCPastorofFamilyLife.Winchester,VA.
Goals/Desires:Crabb,Dr.Larry(1992).TheMarriageBuilder.Zondervan.

SOURCESbyTopicscontinued:
REBT/ABCD:Ellis,A.,andHarper,R.A.(1975).ANewGuidetoRationalLiving.N.Hollywood,
CA:WilshireBooks.*NOTE:ABCDmodelonlineat
http://kap.samhsa.gov/products/manuals/pdfs/anger1.pdf(p.33).
Crisis:Aguilera,DonnaC.(1998).CrisisIntervention:TheoryandMethodology.St.Louis,MO:
Mosby.
SWOT:Armstrong,Michael.(1996).ManagementProcessesandFunctions.London:Hyperion
Books.
FaultyCognitions/CBT:Burns,DavidD.andBeck,AaronT.(1999).FeelingGood:TheNewMood
Therapy.CollinsLiving.
Triangulation:McGoldrick,Monica.(2008).Genograms:AssessmentandIntervention.W.W.
Norton&Company.