Chapter Eleven

Being with Others: Forming

Relationships in Young and
Middle Adulthood
 11.1 Relationships:
Learning Objectives

What type of friendships do adults have?

How do adult friendships develop?
What is love? How does it begin? How does it
develop through adulthood?
What is the nature of abuse in some
relationships?
 Friendships

Adult friendships develop over several stages

Acquaintanceship
Buildup
Continuation
Deterioration
Ending
 Friendships (cont.)

Three themes of friendship

1. Affective or emotional: self-disclosure,
expressions of intimacy, appreciation, and
support
- Requires trust, loyalty, and commitment
2. Shared or communal nature: mutual interests
3. Sociability and compatibility: source of fun and
entertainment
Friendship quality: satisfaction one derives
from the relationship
 Friendships (contd)

Young adults tend to have more friends than during

any other stage of adulthood
Self-esteem and life satisfaction partly depend upon
the quantity and quality of contact with friends
Online friendships are just as high in quality as other
types of friendships
Trust is key to these friendships due to the lack of visual cues
to verify any presented information
Sibling friendships are important as well, more so for
women than for men
 Mens, Womens, and Cross-Sex
Friendships

Women tend to base friendships more on confiding in

others; intimate and emotional sharing
Women tend to have more close friends
Mens friendships are less intimate; based more on
shared interests or activities
Mens friendships tend to involve less sharing and more
competition
Cross-sex relationships may help men with their dating
anxiety and capacity for intimacy
Men overperceive but women underperceive, these friends
sexual interest in them
 Love Relationships

Sternbergs three basic components of love

Passion: intense physical desire
Intimacy: feeling of being able to share all ones
thoughts and actions with the other
Commitment: willingness to stay with the person
through good and bad times
Couples are happier when each feels the
same types of love to a similar degree
The longer a relationship lasts the lower its
intimacy and passion, but the greater its
commitment
 Love Through Adulthood

Infatuation: characterizes early stages of

romance when passion is high, but intimacy
and commitment are lower
Higher divorce rates in couples who marry
based primarily on infatuation
Assortative mating: selecting ones partner
based on similarity across many dimensions
Homogamy: Degree to which people are
similar; greater when couples meet through
school or a religious setting
 Love Through Adulthood (contd)

Higher marital satisfaction

if couples are similar (homogamous) in openness
to experience, but not other personality
dimensions
when couples physical health is similar

Certain traits are universally desirable in mate selection:

Physical attractiveness - especially for men
Being a good provider - especially for women
In both genders - love, mutual attraction, dependability,
emotional stability, kindness, and understanding
 Love Through
Adulthood (contd)

Two dimensions describe mate preference across 37

cultures (Buss et al., 1990)
(1) Cultural values: traditional values vs. Western-
industrial values
Traditional value cultures: men want children; value a womans
chastity plus her ability to cook and housekeep; women value a
mans ambition, industry, social status, and financial prospects

Western value cultures: value more Western ideals

(2) Having a pleasing disposition vs. importance of

education, intelligence, and social refinement
This dimension is equally important to both genders
 Developmental Forces and
Relationships

Erikson: mature love is impossible without a

capacity for intimacy

Relationships one experienced as a child

affect adults definition of love, and actions in,
romantic relationships

Sociocultural and lifecycle forces shape

our mate preferences and which type(s)
of love are important to us
 The Dark Side of Relationships: Abuse

Abusive relationship: when one partner

becomes violent or aggressive toward the other
Battered woman syndrome: when a woman
believes she cannot leave an abusive situation
and may go so far as to kill her abuser
Aggressive behavior is a continuum (verbal
aggression physical aggression severe
physical aggression murder)
This behaviors causes are more numerous and
complex as its severity increases (pg. 392 table 11.1)
 The Dark Side of Relationships (contd)

Violence may start as common violence or physical

aggressiveness between the couple
There may be patriarchal terrorism in which men
systematically abuse women
Men are abuse victims at about a rate 1/3 that of women
Heterosexual and gay or lesbian couples show similar
patterns of abuse and reasons for it
Abusive men and women tend to
hold traditional gender beliefs; lack communication and
anger management skills
Dating relationship abuse occurs in 40% of young adults
College women are 4x likelier to be sexually assaulted than
other age groups
 The Dark Side of Relationships (contd)

Abuse is tolerated more in cultures that

emphasize male honor, female purity, and male
status; value family honor, loyalty, and
sacrifice; view women as passive but nurturing
of men
The U.S. south places value on honor
Honor cultures are
more positive toward women who remain in an
abusive relationship
less disapproving of abused women who show
contrition and self-blame after being abused
 11.2 Lifestyles:
Learning Objectives

Why do some people decide not to marry,

and what are these people like?
What are the characteristics of cohabiting
people?
What are gay and lesbian relationships like?
What is marriage like through the course of
adulthood?
 Singlehood

70% of women and 80% of men are single between the

ages of 20 and 24
Twice as many African Americans as European
Americans are single throughout adulthood
Men tend to remain single longer than women, but men
are likelier to marry
Cultures differ in their expectations of marriage
Young adults view married more than single people as
caring, kind, and giving
Single people receive less compensation at work
Rental agents preferred married couples 60% of the time
in a recent study
 Cohabitation

Three reasons for cohabitation

1. Convenience, sharing expenses, and sexual
accessibility
- No long-term commitment, marriage is not a goal
- Women report this more than men
2. A trial marriage
- 50% transition to marriage
3. A long-term commitment without legal
marriage
- More common with older couples who may lose financial
benefits if they marry
 Gay and Lesbian Couples

Most research shows no differences between

homosexual and heterosexual couples on
virtually all dimensions (e.g., relationship
issues, satisfaction)
Gay and lesbian couples report less support
from family than do married or cohabiting
couples
 Marriage

Studies show the median age at which

couples marry has been rising for the past
several decades
Women who marry under the age of 20 are
3 times more likely to divorce than women
who marry in their 20s
6 times more likely to divorce than those
who marry in their 30s
 What Factors Help Marriage Succeed?

Marriages are likelier to succeed when

both partners are relatively mature
this may be why marriages in ones early 20s or younger tend
to fail
the couple is homogamous in terms of values and
interests
each partner contributes equitably, giving something
that the other would be hard pressed to provide
(exchange theory)
couples are honest and committed, they trust and
consult each other, and they make decisions jointly
 Do Married Couples Stay Happy?

Marital and cohabital satisfaction is highest in the

beginning, falls until children begin leaving home, and
rises again in later life (pg. 381 fig.11.5)
When dependence is more equal, marriage tends to
stay strong and close
When dependence is less equal, people experience
more conflict and difficulty
Vulnerability-stress adaptation model: marital
satisfaction is a function of the couples ability to deal
with stress, given its vulnerabilities and resources at
each particular point in time (pg. 381 fig.11.6)
 The Early Years of Marriage

Discussing financial matters, adjusting to

expectations, and good conflict resolution
skills are important in the early years
Disillusionment and ambivalence are key
predictors of marital dissatisfaction
Rearing children results in less satisfaction
However, childless couples satisfaction
declines as well
 Keeping Marriages Happy

Enduring marital satisfaction is likelier when

couples (pg. 383)
are forgiving, understanding, flexible, adaptive,
and available for, and interested in, the other
keep the romance alive and express love
confide in each other; communicate constructively
and positively
share spirituality and/or religious beliefs,
particularly in lower SES groups
 11.3 The Family Lifecycle:
Learning Objectives

What are the common forms of families?

Why do people have children?
What is it like to be a parent? What
differences are there in different types of
parenting?
 Common Forms of Families

The nuclear family consists only of parents and

children
Common in Western societies
The extended family consists of parents, children,
grandparents, and other relatives living together
Common in many countries
Very strong among Latino families
Familism: the familys well-being takes precedence
over an individual family members concerns
Strong in lower SES Latino families
 Deciding Whether to Have Children

50%+ of U.S. pregnancies are unplanned

Finances are always a big consideration
Having a child in 2012 will cost between $241k
and $399k over 17 years for food, shelter, and
other necessities (cost depends upon income
bracket)
Childless couples have a higher standard of
living and greater marital satisfaction
Societal attitudes toward childless couples
have improved since the 1970s
 The Parental Role

Couples are having fewer children and waiting longer

Older parents are more at ease, affectionate, sensitive,
and supportive; spend more time with their babies
More than 70% of women with children under 18 are
employed outside the home and still perform most of
the childrearing tasks
Men who become fathers in their 30s spend up to 3
times as much time caring for their preschool children
Men who take paternal leave spend no more time with
children than fathers who do not take leave
 Ethnic Diversity and Parenting

In African-American households,
husbands are very likely to help with household
chores and childcare even if the wife is
unemployed
children are buffered from problems such as drug
involvement due to these parents more
conservative views
children are raised in a cohesive, loving, and often
strongly religious environments
stress is placed on pride in cultural heritage, self-
respect, and cooperation within the family
 Ethnic Diversity and Parenting (contd)

In Native-American families,
children are viewed as important family
members
stress is placed on cooperation, sharing,
personal integrity, generosity, harmony
with nature, and spirituality (instead of
Westerners emphasis on competition and
individuality)
retaining a strong sense of tribalism is
paramount
 Ethnic Diversity and Parenting (contd)

22% of U.S. children under 18 are Latino

Latino families emphasize
authoritative parenting
familism (higher priority of family over
individual)
the extended family
 Ethnic Diversity and Parenting (contd)

Asian-American families emphasize

familism and the extended family
maintaining discipline
children conforming, earning good grades, and
being concerned about what others think
In Asian-American families,
adolescents report high feelings of familial
obligation
males enjoy higher status than females
 Ethnic Diversity and Parenting (contd)

Parents of biracial children

report feeling victimized by prejudice and
discrimination
fear both racial communities will reject their
children
Mothers of the majority race tend to raise
their biracial children stressing the minority
races identity
 Single Parents

Over 36% of all U.S. births are to unwed

mothers
Out-of-wedlock births comprise
2/3 of African-American births
43% of Latino births
26% of European-American births
11% of Asian-American births
Causes of being a single parent include high
divorce rates, the decision to keep out-of-
wedlock children, and higher fertility rates
 Single Parents (contd)

Divorced and single parents

report feelings of frustration and guilt
try to be their childs peers, use inconsistent
discipline, overindulge and spoil the child
Single parents often face financial strains
Single mothers are often affected the most
Insecurity about sexuality and concerns for
how children will react affect decisions to
starting dating again
 Alternate Forms of Parenting

1/3 of North American couples become step, foster, or

adoptive parents, and are concerned about how strongly
the child will bond with them
Many children remain very close to noncustodial parents
Stepchildren may manifest emotional and behavioral
problems, exacerbating the (step)parents risk for divorce
Adopted children may wish to have contact with birth
parents, which may be viewed as rejection by adoptive
parents
Children adopted from another culture may struggle with
identity issues
 Alternate Forms of Parenting (contd)

Foster parents have the most difficulty developing and

maintaining bonds with their foster children because
foster children vary in age at the time they were taken
from biological parents
foster children may be reunited at any time with their
parents or adopted by another couple
Society resists gays or lesbians having children and passes
laws against it
Compared to children of heterosexuals, those raised by gay
and lesbian parents
show equivalent cognitive development, are equally
adjusted psychologically and are no more likely to
identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, or
heterosexual
 11.4 Divorce and Remarriage:
Learning Objectives

Who gets divorced? How does divorce affect

parental relationships with children?
What are remarriages like? How are they
similar to and different from first marriages?
 Divorce

U.S. couples have a 50/50 chance of divorce

and a 60% chance if married between 20-24
The U.S. divorce rate is 54.8% and is virtually
tied for the highest rate out of 47 countries
 Who Gets Divorced and Why?

Ethnicity is a big factor in who divorces

- African- and Asian-American couples have
been married longer before divorcing
- Ethnically mixed marriages are at risk

Infidelity is the most commonly reported cause

Other commonly reported causes are
incompatibility, drug or alcohol use, and growing
apart
 Who Gets Divorced and Why? (contd)

Reasons men give for Reasons women give

divorce for divorce
Communication problems Communication problems
Unhappiness Unhappiness
Incompatibility Incompatibility
Sexual problems Emotional abuse
Financial problems Financial problems
Emotional abuse Sexual problems
Womens liberation Alcohol abuse by spouse
In-laws Infidelity by spouse
Infidelity by spouse Physical abuse
Alcohol abuse by self In-laws
 Who Gets Divorced and Why? (contd)

Covenant marriage: makes marriage more difficult by

expanding the marriage contract to a lifelong
commitment within a supportive community
Couple agrees to counseling if problems arise
Grounds for divorce are very restrictive

Healthy Marriage Initiative Marriage Education

Stresses marriages positive aspects and marital
education
 Effects of Divorce on the Couple

Divorced individuals often

feel disappointed, misunderstood, and rejected
find it difficult to let go or to find new friendships
Divorce causes financial and child support problems for
women
Women who initiate the divorce report self-focused growth
and optimism
Adjustment to single life is better for people less
preoccupied with, less hostile toward, and more forgiving
of the ex
Remarriage is less likely for middle-aged or older women
 Relationships with Adult Children

Parental divorce negatively affects young

adults in many ways, including their
views on intimate and marital relationships
ability to achieve love, sexual intimacy, and
commitment to marriage and parenthood
relationships with fathers, while bringing
them closer to their mothers
 Remarriage

On average, men and women wait about 3.5 years

before remarrying
European Americans, military veterans, and those
with less education remarry more often
Remarriages have a 25% higher rate of divorce than
original marriages
This rate is higher for remarriages involving
stepchildren
Women are more likely to initiate a divorce, but are
less likely to remarry (unless they are poor)
 Remarriage (contd)

Younger generations tend to remarry at a

lower rate
Those who remarry sooner have no less
success in marriage than those who wait
Young adult children report a positive effect
of their parents happily remarrying on their
own intimate relationships
The End