CHAPTER 12

What Is Personal Relationship?

How Are Attachments Developed?
What Drives Attraction?
Love and Intimacy
Commitment: Saying Yes and Meaning
It
Responsibilities in a Relationship
What Is Personal
Relationship?
 Even before language was
invented, pre-historic humans were
already interacting through many
other forms of behavior.
This interaction was necessary for
survival of the group where an
individual belonged.
Survival was the primary reason
why human beings have the
fundamental need to belong.
 In todays world, this need to belong
still exists, perhaps because it has been
imprinted in our genetic memory that
was passed on to us by our ancestors.
Belonging to a group generates
many benefits like having a support
system when you need some shoulder to
cry on or draw some strength from.
The relationships that are nurtured
in a group help each one of us survive.
HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR
ATTRACTION TOWARD
ANOTHER PERSON?
 A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
WITH FRIENDS IS A SOURCE OF
LIFETIME HAPPINESS.
Researchers have found that
relationships are important to ones
happiness.
The absence of close relationships
can produce a deep negative effect on a
individual who is deny of it, such as
feeling worthless, powerless, and
alienated.
BUT HOW DO WE DEFINE
RELATIONSHIP?
Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary
defines relationship as:

The way in which two or more

people, groups, countries, etc., talk
to and deal with each other.

The definition is extended to

include the way in which two or
more people or things are
connected.
 TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
DEPENDING ON THE NATURE OF
INTERACTION THAT EXIST
BETWEEN TWO OR MORE ENTITIES
Business transactional relationship
Professional relationship
Family relationship
Friendly relationship
Romantic relationship
 We can also say that every
relationship has specific
objectives or purpose that a
person wishes to pursue, either
because of need, want, or desire.
HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS
DEVELOPED?
HOW ARE ATTACHMENTS
DEVELOPED?
The very first meaningful
relationship every human being
encounters is with ones mother.
Even before birth, the mother-
child relationship is already
established.
 THREE DIFFERENT
ATTACHMENT STYLES

1. SECURE ATTACHMENT
2. AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
3. ANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT
ATTACHMENT
1. SECURE ATTACHMENT
- Is when the primary caregiver is
most of the time present and when all
the emotional needs of an infant are
providing a sense of security to the
infant.
- Chances for a child who is exposed to
this style of attachment, grow up to
have more secure and stable
relationships.
2. AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
- Is when the primary caregiver is
cold and detached, and even
unresponsive to a childs need.
- A person who experienced this
style of attachment in infancy
and childhood will oftentimes
experience unstable relationships
in the future.
3. ANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT
- The primary caregiver is not consistent in
terms of presence and in meeting a childs
emotional needs.

- A person who experienced this style of

attachment in childhood may develop
separation anxieties with a loved one, or
may have mixed feelings between
hesitancy and commitment when
entering into meaningful relationships.
WHAT DRIVES
ATTRACTION?
 When attraction between two
persons is discussed, it is often
understood as based on physical
appearance.
While this might be true to a
certain extent, there is more to
attraction that what we already
know.
 In the British Broadcasting
Company (BBC) website under
Science:

Human Body and Mind, attraction

is the first stage, and during
changes of personality development
it lead to closeness and
commitment.
 According to the website which
referred to the biological model of
love as proposed by anthropologist
Helen Fisher of Rutgers University
in New Jersey:

Attraction is primarily based on

physiology or certain hormones that
persons who get attracted to others
often pick up with their noses.
 Being attracted to another
person may also mean liking their
genes that are perceived through
their physical looks.
THREE STAGES OF FALLING IN
LOVE
by Helen Fisher

1. LUST
2. ATTRACTION
3. ATTACHMENT
1.LUST
- Is driven by the sex hormones,
testosterone, and estrogen. These
hormones affect both sexes.
2.ATTRACTION
- Is described as the lovestruck
phase, which involves
neurotransmitters in the brain such as
dopamine, norepinephrine, and
serotonin.
- This is the stage when a person
loses sleep and appetite over someone,
and become very excited to someone
while daydreaming of this special
person.
3.ATTACHMENT
- When the couple in love decides
to continue with the relationship,
they enter the attachment stage
where long-lasting commitments
are exchanged and may lead to
raising a family
 OTHER REASONS WHY PEOPLE ARE
ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHER
according to Rozenberg Quarterly

1. TRANSFERENCE EFFECT
2. PROPINQUITY EFFECT
3. SIMILARITY
4. RECIPROCITY
5. PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
6. PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS AND
TRAITS
1.TRANSFERENCE EFFECT
There are times we meet people
who we immediately like or dislike.
Usually, these people remind us of
someone in the past who has
affected our sense of self and our
behavior.
2.PROPINQUITY EFFECT
We often develop a sense of
familiarity with people who live
close to us, work with us, or go to
school with us, which leads us to
liking them more.
3.SIMILARITY
We often like people who we have
similarities with, such as social
class background, religious beliefs,
age, and education.
3.SIMILARITY
We are often attracted to like-
minded persons and those who
have similar beliefs and values as
ours, because the similarity is a
validation of our innermost
values and belief system, and
who we are as a person.
4.RECIPROCITY
We like people who like us
back. The more we are liked by
someone we equally like, the
more we behave in ways that
promote mutual feeling of
liking.
5. PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
Several research studies were
conducted to confirm that
physical attractiveness is a
major factor in liking someone,
and usually, first impression
counts a lot, too.
 6. PERSONALITY
CHARACTERISTICS AND TRAITS
- People get attracted to
characteristics that lead to liking the
other person.
- Emphatic persons, who exude warmth
and sympathy and who are also
optimistic and maintain positive views;
and socially competent person, who are
good communicators and enjoy good
conversations.
LOVE AND INTIMACY
There has been a raging debate
over the definition of love.
Is love a feeling?
Is love a though?
Is love physical?

The definition of love is a

feeling of deep affection,
passion, or strong liking for a
person or thing.
The American Heritage Dictionary
defines love as:
A strong feeling of affection and
concern for another person
accompanied by sexual attraction;
A feeling of devotion or adoration
toward God or a god;
A feeling kindness or concern by
God or a good toward humans;
Sexual desire or activity: the
pleasures of love;
Based on these definitions, we see
angles of what love is?

It is an emotion, a feeling, a
virtue, an action, and an experience.
Love is also defined differently in
different cultures.
DIFFERENT COMPONENTS OF LOVE
As theorized in Robert Sternbergs
Triangular Theory of Love

1. PASSION
2.INTIMACY
3.COMMITMENT
1.PASSION

Passion, as defined in generic

terms, is the intense state of
being that drives and consumes a
person to pursue an interest, a
vision, or a person.
In terms of romantic love, passion
connotes sexual attraction, as
well as intimacy.
2. INTIMACY
o Close Familiarity / Friendship /
Closeness

Researchers Reis, Clark, and

Holmes and Shaver defined
intimacy as:
That lovely moment when
someone understands and
validate us.
2. INTIMACY
Being intimate with another person
is about being open and vulnerable
to that person whom we deeply
trust, who we feel connected with,
and who values us with unconditional
positive regard, which is viewing
the other person with complete
trust and free of suspicion or
negative thought.
2. INTIMACY
Communication is a key component in
developing intimacy, where self-
disclosure is practiced which leads to
profound and meaningful
conservations that nurture and
strengthen intimacy.
Self-disclosure requires honesty for
it to work, and is a tool in enhancing
the love relationship between two
person.
3. COMMITMENT
Is an act of deciding to
consistently fulfill and live by
agreements made with another
person, entity, or cause, and where
the values of integrity and respect
serve as a guide to ones behavior
and thinking.
Commitment in a love relationship is
expressed continuously in caring
and loving actions for the beloved.
 STERNBERGS TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE

Liking
(Intimacy alone)

Intimacy
Romantic love
(intimacy + passion) Consummate love Companionate love
(intimacy + passion + (intimacy + commitment)
commitment)

Empty love
Infatuation
(commitment alone)
(passion alone) Fatuous love
(passion + commitment)
 Attraction serves as the
first step toward liking someone,
and among all the basis of
attraction that were discussed,
reciprocity (mutual liking) is
what triggers a couple to move
forward romance and intimacy,
and eventually, to commitment.
 COMMITMENT:
SAYING YES AND MEANING IT
COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND
MEANING IT

We defined commitment as a
continuing process of showing love
and care; fulfilling the promises
or agreements made with each
other; and through bad times and
good times, the commitment stays
firm and in place.
 Psychologist have conducted
research on commitment and have
identified three variables related to
it (Rozenberg Quarterly):
1. Accumulation of all rewards of the
relationship
2.Temptation of alternative partners
3.Investments made by couple in the
relationship
1.Accumulation of all rewards of the
relationship
- Considered as the most important
determinant of satisfaction in a
relationship.
Rewards of the relationship include:
Support from the partner
Sexual satisfaction
Emotional
Financial
Physical security
Adventure
Novelty
2.Temptation of alternative
partners

It was noted that the fewer

options a party in a relationship
gets exposed to, the lesser the
possibility of breaking the
relationship.
3.Investments made by the
couple in the relationship

- These investments may include

time spent together, common
beliefs and experiences, mutual
experiences with mutual friends,
and bearing children. It was also
discovered that religious beliefs
reinforce commitment.
 Researchers identified
behaviors married couples may do
that can predict a divorce or
separation:

1. Criticism
2.Denial of the existence of
conflict
3.Contempt
1.Criticism
This happens when there is the
absence of unconditional
positive regard for each other
in a relationship.
Constantly finding fault in the
other partner will result in
negative feelings and
resentment.
2.Denial of the existence of
conflict
When one party eludes the
presence of a problem and
refuses to discuss it, as if
belittling the problem, it will
result in frustration on the side
of the other party.
3.Contempt
Contempt is present when someone
who looks down on the party as
inferior does not give unconditional
positive regard, and aggravates the
situation by expressing superiority
over the other
According to research (Rozenberg
Quarterly), this is the ultimate
expression of disillusionment and
highly predictive of divorce or
separation.
 RESPONSIBILITIES IN A
RELATIONSHIP

1. Be responsible for what you think

and say to the other person.
2.Be responsible for what you
promise to do or not to do.
3. Ensure the relationship is
mutually beneficial.
4. Respect the other party or
parties involved.
5. Be ready to provide support
when needed.
 ACTIVITY NO. 1
1. How do you show responsibility
in your relationships:

1. When your at home?

2.With the authorities in
school?
3.With your friends?
4.With someone you have a
romantic relationship with?