How to Talk So Kids Will

Listen & Listen So Kids Will

Talk
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (1980). New York: Harper
Collins.
 Help Them Deal With Their Feelings

 Accept their feelings.

 Listen with full attention.
 Acknowledge their feelings with a word – “Oh,”
“Mmm” or “I see.”
 Non-judgmental listening
 Give their feelings a name.
 “I can see you’re frustrated.”
 Give them their wishes in fantasy.
 “I can tell that you didn’t like the movie. I’ll bet you
wish you had seen ‘Wall-E’ instead.”
 When you give a feeling a name, also be
specific.
 To show empathy – that you understand.
 Don’t say, “I understand…” because you probably
don’t.
 Respond with “The movie was a little scary in the part
where the transformer was blown up.”
 Don’t repeat exact words back, rephrase.
 Don’t repeat the names they call themselves.
 No: “You’re not so dumb because it took you three
hours to do your homework.”
 Yes: “It must be discouraging when work takes longer
than you expect.”
 To Engage a Child’s Cooperation

 Describe what you see, or describe the problem.

 “There’s a wet towel on the bed.”
 Give information.
 “The towel is getting my blanket wet.”
 Say it with a word.
 “The towel!”
 Describe what you feel.
 ‘I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed.”
 Write a note.
 “Please put me back so I can dry.”
 Instead of Punishment

 Express your feelings strongly—without

attacking character.
 “I” statements, not “you” statements.
 “I’m furious my tools were left out all night!”
 State your expectations.
 “I expect my tools to be put back after they’re
borrowed.”
 Show how to make amends.
 “What these tools need now is a little steel wool and
a lot of elbow grease.”
 Give the child a choice (consequences).
 “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you
can give up the privilege of using them. Your choice.”
 Take action to follow through on consequences.
 Child: “Why is the tool box locked.”
 Father: “You tell me why.”
 Problem solve.
 “What can we work out so that you can use my tools
when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re
there when I need them?”
 To Encourage Autonomy

 Let children make choices.

 “Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or
your red pants.”
 Show respect for a child’s struggle.
 “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you
tap the side of the lid with a spoon.”
 Don’t ask too many questions.
 “Glad to see you. Welcome home.”
 Don’t rush to answer questions.
 “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?”
 Encourage children to use sources outside the
home.
 “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a
suggestion.”
 Don’t take away hope.
 “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That
should be an experience.”
 Praise and Self-Esteem

 Describe what you see.

 “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books lined up
on the shelf.”
 Specificity is important to give useful feedback and to show
that you are not brushing them off and that you thought
about it.
 Describe what you feel.
 “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”
 Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a
word.
 “You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and pens and
put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call
organization!”
 Give the praiseworthy behavior a name.
 Don’t overdo praise or be too enthusiastic.
 You must be honest and authentic so you don’t
interfere with a child’s desire for accomplishment.
 Don’t use “I” statements, such as, “I’m so proud
of you.”
 Use “you” statements such as “What an achievement.
You must be so proud of yourself!”
 Point out what they do right.
 Don’t point out mistakes, it will keep them from
trying.
 Reward with praise and recognition.
 Positive Labels and Roles

 Children live up to expectations (self-fulfilling

prophecy).
 To the roles we put them in
 “Get me my glasses” – servant.
 “Mary, you’re being bossy again” – bossy.
 Overheard: “My oldest is a problem child.” – a problem.
 Use positive labels and roles.
 Look for opportunities to show the child a new
picture of herself.
 “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it
almost looks like new.” – careful and responsible.
 Put children in situations where they can see
themselves differently.
 “Sarah, would you take the screwdriver and tighten
the pulls on these drawers?’
 Model the behavior you’d like to see.
 “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about.
Congratulations on beating me.”
 Be a storehouse of your child’s special moments
when they did something good.
 “I remember the time you…” – reinforcing.
 When a child acts according to the old label,
state your feelings and/or your expectations.
 “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I
expect sportsmanship from you!”
 Remember

 Parents, managers, and leaders are role models.

 Children and employees will model your
behavior.
 How you act, they will act.
 How you treat them is how they will treat
others.