Chapter 10:

Personal
Relationship
 Even before language was invented, prehistoric humans were
already interacting through many other forms of behavior.
They may have learn how to smile or greet each other; show
love, affection, and even loyalty to the group; and hunt
together for food.
Survival – was the primary reason why human beings have the
fundamental need to belong.
Belonging to a group generates many benefits like having a
support system when you need some shoulder to cry on or
draw some strength from.
Researchers have found that relationship are essential to
one’s happiness (Berscheid 1985; Berscheid and Reis; 1998;
Larsen, Ommundsen, and van der Veer). On the other hand,
the absence of close relationships can produce a profound
negative effect on an individual who is deprived of it, such a
feeling worthless, powerless, and alienated.

Merriam Webster Online Dictionary define relationship as

“the way in which two or more people, groups, countries etc.,
talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other.” the
definition is extended to include “the way in which two or
more people or things are connected.”
Personal Relationship – is the type of relationship which is
closely associated with a person and which can only have
meaning to this person.
The very first meaningful relationship every human being
encounters is with one’s mother.
A careless and non-caring pregnant mother can affect the child
in the womb, which may leave psychological and emotional
scars even before the child is born. Researchers confirmed
that emotional experiences of expectant mothers,
particularly strong emotions such as anger or anxiety, which
produce chemicals in the body such as adrenaline, affect the
child in the womb. Eventually the infant grows up with a
predisposition to anxiety as well.
1. Secure Attachments – is when primary caregiver is most of
the time present ans available and when all the emotional
needs of an infant are met, providing a send of security to
the infant. Chances are, a child who is exposed to this style
of attachment will grow up to have more secure and stable
relationships.
2. Avoidant attachment – is when the primary caregiver is cold
and detached, and even unresponsive to a child needs. The
child senses rejection and this often leads to premature
detachment and self reliance. A person who experienced
this style of attachment in infancy and childhood will
oftentimes experiecne unstable relationships in the future.
3. Anxious - ambivalent attachment – when the primary caregiver
is not consistent in terms of presence and in meeting a child’s
emotional needs. Often, a person who experienced this style
of attachment in childhood may develop separation anxieties
with a loved one, or may have mixed feelings between
hesitancy and commitment when entering into meaningful
relationships.

Research shown that there is always hope for the adult who
received negative styles to change for the better, particularly
when experiencing genuine and transformative adult love
relationship.
Attraction - is the first stage in a continuum of stages that
lead to intimacy and commitment.
According to Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New
Jersey – attraction is primarily based on physiology or certain
hormones that person who get attracted to others often pick
up with their noses. Being attracted to another person my
also mean liking their genes that are perceived through their
physical looks.
1. Lust – is driven by sex hormones, testosterone, and estrogen.
These hormones affect both sexes.
2. Attraction – is described as the lovestruck phase, which
involves neurotransmitters in the brain such as dopamine,
neuropinephrine, and serotonin.
3. Attachment – when the couple in love decides to continue
with the relationship, they enter attachment stage where
long lasting commitment are exchanged, and may lead to
raising a family.
Oxytocin – is released during childbirth to help in breast
feeding and during orgasm, is believed to promote intimacy;
and vasopressin, which promotes long term relationships.
Fisher concluded that since loving has a genetic basis, this is a
natural drive that is powerful as hunger.
Attraction also involves our unconscious assessment of
another person’s genes through their physical appearance.
Pheromones – an odorless chemical found in urine and sweat,
and can only be detected through an organ as the nose, are
also involved in the assessment of future mate, this is an
indication of a person’s immune system.
1. Transference Effect – There are times we meet people who
we immediately like or dislike. Usually, these people remind us
of someone in the past who has affected our sense of self
and our behavior. (Anderson, Reznik, and Manzella 1996).
2. Propinquity Effect – a research conducted by Festinger,
Schachter, and back in 1950 points to proximity as another
possible factor why we like a person. We often develop a
sense of familiarity with people who live close to us, work
with us, or go to school with us, which leads us to liking
them more.
3. Similarity – we often like people who have similarities with,
such as social class background, religious beliefs, age, and
education.
4. Reciprocity - We like people who like us back. According to
research, reciprocity is a stronger basis for liking another
person than similarity. The more we are like, the more we
behave in ways that promote mutual feelings of liking.
5. Physical Attractiveness - is a major factor in liking someone,
and usually, first impression count a lot too. Both male and
female are equal in their preference for physical
attractiveness.
6. Personality Characteristics and Traits - People get attracted
to two characteristics that lead to liking the other person,
• emphatic persons - who exude warmth and sympathy,
optimistic and maintain positive views.
• Socially competent persons – good communicators and enjoy
good conversations.
The definition of love is a feeling of deep affection, passion, or
strong liking for a person or thing. The American Heritage
Dictionary defines love as:
A strong feeling of affection and concern toward another
person, as that arising from kinship or close friendship;
A strong feeling of affection and concern for another person
accompanied by sexual attraction;
A feeling of devotion or adoration toward God or a god;
A feeling of kindness or concern by God or a God toward
humans; and
Sexual desire or activity: the pleasures of love, a night love.
1. Intimacy – Researchers Reis, Clark and Holmes(2004), and
Reis and Shaver (1998) defined intimacy as “that lovely
moment when someone understands and validates us”
John Joseph Powell, author of the book, The Secret of Staying
in Love) define intimacy as “It is an absolute human certainty
that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of
his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the
mirror of another loving, caring human being.
Communication – is a key component in developing intimacy,
where self disclosure is practice which leads to profound
and meaningful conversations that nurture and strengthen
intimacy.
2. Commitment – is an act of deciding to consistently fulfill and
live by agreements made with another person, entity, or
cause, and where the values of integrity and respect serve as
a guide to one’s behavior and thinking.
3. Passion – as defined in generic terms, is the intense state of
being that drives and consumes a person to pursue an
interest, a vision, or a person. In terms of romantic love,
passion connotes sexual attraction, as well as intimacy.
“nonlove” –referred by Sternberg, the eight type of love is the
absence of the three components (intimacy, commitment and
passion)
Attraction serves as the first step toward liking someone, and
among all the basis of attraction that were discussed,
reciprocity(mutual liking) is what triggers a couple to move
toward romance and intimacy, and eventually, to commitment.
Given the right ingredients such as compatible attachment
styles, physical attraction, and reciprocal liking, a couple’s
relationship may further nurtured by their constant
companionship, their openness, trust and sharing thoughts,
feelings, fears as well as joys.
Marriage ritual – the couple may then decided to commit to
an exclusive relationship and eventually formalize the
relationship.
Commitment – a continuing process of showing love and care;
fulfilling the promises or agreements made with each other;
and through bad times and good times, the commitment stays
firm and in place.
There is integrity in commitment because the word given
should mean something to the person making the
commitment.
Interdependency – develops between two healthy individuals
who commit to be together and yet not lose each other’s
individuality.
1. Accumulation of all rewards of the relationship –
considered as the most important determinant of
satisfaction in relationship, rewards of the relationship
include support from the partner; sexual satisfaction;
emotional, financial, and physical security; adventure and
novelty.
2. Temptation of alternative partners – the presence of
possible alternatives for another partner can rock the
relationship and destabilize the commitment of a couple.
3. Investments made by the couple in the relationship -
important in maintaining commitment. These investments may
include time spent together, common beliefs and
experiences, mutual experiences with mutual friends, and
bearing children.
1. Criticism – this happens when there is the absence of
unconditional positive regard for each other in a
relationship.
2. Denial of the existence of the conflict – when one party
eludes the presence of a problem and refuses to discuss it,
as if belittling the problem, it will result in frustration on the
side of the other party.
3. Contempt – like criticism, contempt is present when
someone who looks down on the party as inferior does not
give unconditional positive regard, and aggravates the
situation by expressing superiority over the other.
According to research (Rozenberg Quarterly), this is the
“ultimate expression of disillusionment and highly predictive of
divorce” or separation.
1. Be responsible for what you think and say to the other
person. Emotions should be considered when dealing with
other people. Being sensitive to these emotions will make a
person responsible for what is said, and accept the
consequences of how the other party will receive the
message.
2. Be responsible for what you promise to do or not to do.
Integrity is a key factor in relationships. Coupled with trust,
integrity in one’s word means that you are reliable and
trustworthy. When credibility is questioned, a relationship
will not last long.
3. Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial. Balanced
relationship are always mutually beneficial to both parties. It
is always good to have a give and take attitude for this
assures fairness and equality
4. Respect the other party or parties involved. Mutual respect is
also essential in a relationship. Giving respect to each other is a
common responsibility of any part involved in a relationship.

5. Be ready to provide support when needed. Relationships also

thrive on the support given by one party to another. Providing
support, either financially, emotionally, spiritually, or physically,
strengthens the bond in a relationship, as this is an expression of
one’s commitment to the other party.
It is about the “we’re in this together” thing in a relationship.