HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH MORE HANG-UPS! aU 8 Ba POSTERS eRe Ly sa ss “MAD eeattt Sa SEVEN” PSEA ata ce EVAL Se Gia MOC dng a)NUMBER 152 JULY 1972 “The trouble with modem apartments is: the walls are too thin when you try to sleep, and too thick when you try to listen!”—Alfred E. Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN ediror JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors TACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, JOAN ZECCA, ‘CURTIS ANDERSON, DAVE FRASER subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Weddings CHAIN REACTION DEPARTMENT ‘AMAD Look At Bicycling CRIMINAL TYPES DEPARTMENT Suicide DEAR MONEY AND DADDY DEPARTMENT ‘The Art Of Writing Home For Money DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT One Day At Campsite 29-B One Fine Day At The Pyramids INSIDE DOPE DEPARTMENT “What's The Connection?" (A MAD Movie Satire) JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas By Aragones NETWORK-OVER DEPARTMENT ‘A Treasury Of Television Poetry And Prose PHOTO-FINISHES DEPARTMENT MAD Photons PROGRESSIVE JAZZ DEPARTMENT MAD's Educator Of The Year . VIOLENCE IS GOLDEN DEPARTMENT “Manic” (A MAD TV Satire) **Various Places Around The Magazine VITAL FEATURES WHAT'S THE CONNECTION? (AMAD MOVIE SATIRE) Pg.4 THE LIGHTER SIDE OF WEDDINGS. Pg. 26 MAD LOOK AT. BICYCLING ATREASURY OF TELEVISION POETRY AND SATIRE) Pg. 46ARE YOU Expand Your Horizons With Any Or All FIFTY-FIVE IVAID PAPERBACK BOOKS ON SALE AT ALL BOOKSTANDS— ‘OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 60¢ EACH ‘use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME (The Mam Reacer ko Strikes Back The Portable man (MAD Power lice Maa 1D Tre Dirty O14 wa Ute AO 1D Plyunetuates MAD CMe others an 1) the Recycled MAD ©The Seaside MAD’ DON MARTIN Stops out © Sono uno IN Bourcas Back £5 The Granzation MAD IN Drops 13 Stories lke man tin lt Tn ies ot wa IN Cocke. ating MAO [EDOM MARTIN Comes Ox Sicong The MAD Frontier Looks at te USA indie {oaks at People {3 The Voosco Ma © reaey aD ttt 5 Tiras Ring MAD © SeltMade uno {The MAD Sarpler (DAVE BERG Our Sick Word {The Alilew SP vs. sev (SPY ve. SPY Folow Up File Weel, Mri ete. MAD. 37d MAD Dossior of SPY ve. Raving MAD (AMAD Lok at Ol Mewes ‘Csating AD [Detrn of MAD Ot ovis [Todestoesble MAD —CLALIAFFEE's Srapoy Answers Mowing MAD (Mere ALJAFFEESrappy Arewors The ndiestibe MAD (The WAD Book of ase © Suring a (Divagoes's" vie MAD 5 oe Ma CD raones's WAD about MAD ‘SMoppine A. CUMAD fr Better or Verse (Sing Along With maD ENCLOSE 60¢ FOR EACH (Minimum Order: 2 Books) NAME. ADDRESS. Coc sceonceede STATE. ZIP CODE. ‘he cae ata AotW Sain se Mae aaah Bridetvery—"Norstoney Order preterieg ‘THE PUTRID FAMILY As a recent witness t0 the most sicken ing and plastic show to hie che tube since its invention, 1 must thank you for "The Puctid Family”. Ie hie me right in the Mate Puroam Hull, Maine Td like to lavish some reader praise on your crummy mag. I congrarulae you for ‘White House Follics” was definitely your strike into one of America’s most your finest work co date. You needn't hated of bubblegum’ groups. Angelo apologize to Gilbert and Sullivan. You Torres and Arnie Kogen have mercifully se the very mols of mover ined cleared the aie of TVs most "Pur WHITE HOUSE FOLLIES Jim Mayer Wichica, Kansas Congratulations to Arnie Kogen for capturing the true meaningless story of & plotless show. Barbara Licle ‘Tampa, Florida How could you usurp the beautiful melodies of Gilbere and Sullivan to such 2 degree by putting them in the mouths fof such inane characters? A brilliant job! Mark Packe Tos Angeles, Calif. Chris Nicholls Orillia, Ont HOWARD COSELL UNLIMITED Everybody's ridiculing Howard Cosell and his mannerisms, Why can't they leave the poor man alone? The White House Follies Of 1972 was incalculably epigrammatic. Congrat Ulations to Mort Drucker for such reais: fic caricatures and to Franke Jacobs for his Stacey Pore ite eye Flushing, N-Y, Just 2 note to tell you how much he nire Covell family enjoyed the article including 214 year old grandsoo, Justi, ‘who was thrilled ro recognize Papa chat fing with Erne, Justin i quite the Sesane Street bufl, * Herbert Buchsbaum Savannah, Ga, ‘ADS THAT TURN PEOPLE OFF Your article “Ads That Turn People Of” turned me on. I agree that come panics that have ‘too much business shouldn't advertise for more business Dennis Paul Mary Edith Cosell (Mtss, Howard W.) Marion, Ind. New York, N.Y, COSMOPOLITAN PIECE OFFERING We of the Radcliffe College Varsity cyl’, our team had lose four straight Basketball ‘Team, being justfably in censed at our sisters on “Radelyft” being referred to a6 “five easy pieces’, got mad, and went out and won our fst game by 12 points. Until your sive on poor "Rac! ——_ ‘games; one of them by 61 points! Perla Hewes Basketball Coach Radcliffe College Cambridge, Mass‘COSMOPOLITAN VIEWS I have five childzen ranging in ag from 8 to 20. The older childeen have al ways enjoyed MAD and I always assumed je was good entertainment for them. When they showed me your Cosmopoli tan sitire, Twas astonished that your ‘magazine would be so tawdry. It would bea shame if such an old fricnd as Alfred B. Neuman became just a dirty old man, Mrs, Frank De Lizzs Brooklyn, N.Y. If Other Magazines Copied Cosmo: ppolitan’s ‘Sex’ Formula” is the most em braceable article you've ever done. I hope to read it soon, Mare Butler Northvale, NJ. MORE SNAPPY ANSWERS. 1 learned quickly from All Jaflee's ‘More Snappy Answers...” Asked by iy friend, peering over my shoulder, if T was writing a letter to MAD, I snappily replied, "No, Tam writing mary letters find stinging them together to make words which I am sending «0 MAD. Peter Hyman Queen's University Kingston, Oneario, CLASSROOM COMMENTARY For several years I have been borrow ing from MAD for teaching ideas. It has the best collection of relevant satire and parody. I've made transparencies for use With overhead projector, using such teach ing aids ar "The Rime Of The Modern fe", "Casey At The Dice", and ocher ‘fons ‘of your Poet Lauridiots. Many thanks. June Beattie South Hadley, Mass [MARTIN'S HIGHWAY RESTAURANT Don Martia’s "One Busy Day Ia A Highway Restaurant” is a tasty serving, just made to order! m Randleman Fair Oaks, Cali. CCALLIGRAPHER'S DEUGHT ‘The Chinese phrase, over President Nixon in the April FOLD-IN, reads: ‘Would you buy a used rickshaw from this man?” Such an unexpected discov ery isa calligraphers delighe! Bob Compson Hearieda, N-Y. DICK’S RECORD BROKEN. Viman avid reader of MAD and notice that Dick DeBartolo has had at least one anicle in every issue for the past cight consecutive years. However, in the April Tague there was nothing writen by hima, Was this a misake? ‘Teresa Laughlia New Yorks N.Y. No, running at least one erie ia every ‘swe for the post eight consecutive years was a mistakel Ea. Please Addres All Correspondence Tor MAD, Dept. 182, 485 MADison Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022, WHY NOT HAVE THE NEXT ISSUE SENT DIRECTLY TO YOUR HOME? SUBSCRIBE TO == use coupon or duplicate. MAD 485 MADison Avenue 3 NAME. New York, N.Y. 10022 seORESS, | enclose $7.00*. Enter my name on CITY. your subscription list, and mail me STATE. the next 19 issues of MAD Magazine. ZIP CODE. in canada, $7.00 in US. Funds, parble by Iteration Money Orr or Check drown on a USA "tant, Gases te Usk, and Eanade, $895, payable by rtraton Money nde or heck dems ov st: puok Allow 48 werk for fubzron tebe recessed We cual Fesvonsle Yor cou iat stolen im the sal, 10 EHECK Om MONEY ORDER PREFERED bupples and wrap fish with ten! OF fang "em on your wal, Because they" sortable fer Nereiy sone 286 for, S06 for 3 $1.00 for 8, $200 for 27 $4.0 fer 81 te FuxD, 485 MAoIson Avenue, ew York, N.Y. 10022i i INSIDE DOPE DEPT. There's a great movie playing around. It's 1B during the movie. But after it’s over, you're left with a couple of unanswered questions. In fact, everybody is left with a couple of unanswered questions. Take frinstance the ‘guy Who gets shot in the very first seenes: a Hey, Kd, tell met Do you ZX, | believe in Santa Claus? (~ it: Well, used to... untt \ \ \ weet int ‘round herein JULY! ‘Okay! So | walked around Marse) this brown Mark il Lincoln Continental followed me! So | bought a French bread, land | bought a pizza. and | stepped Into {his doorway, and now I'm being—GARAK! ‘= murdered! So atte the picture is all ‘over, maybe somebody wil tell me Well im NOT, you litte brat Lome | don’t have Then what'sSa, T'STHE CONNECTION? ] That's nothingt a cee sso ye er Not so fast, Huh? Man, thought Yea ton yore stem gunk Fm Eg " not letting you go till you answer YOUR FEET IN Close enough! Now, talkd Who's ‘giving you the ‘tuff? Bill the Barber? Sam the Shoomaker? Pete the Podiatrist? C'mon, Cockeyet ‘You've bit him ‘enough! You're hurting your fist! Let's put him inthe ear find drive hie ‘downtown. ‘Okay! But in THAT case, lot me give him one =| more for the road! ‘You know what your problem is, Cockeye? By the time you get through working, cover a wanted man, the never matches. 4) bis description, ana | we gotta let him go!Hey, Birdie! is noteven 7 id you see? [i] his waiter! And lrhat guy gave ‘the waiter a $5200 tpt Well? What's now he's givin the hat check Birla $50 tit Well? What's He doesn’t even have a hat! There's something Cockeye, the last time we Tollowea e, we stayed accidentally killed ' Federal Agent! Naw! | keep changing my ‘expression Fe al [think that Candy Store is. GOLD. MINE! We. should open fone right across the )| street ana ‘steal his customers! That's great! ‘Now tell me, what's the connection? hear you! Now this tink that ‘ewhat | found out sitting in his BACK SEATS |LUsten, I don't have ary love Hn had my way, ‘came from! mT eM Tl Gee, Cockeye, why fean't you come through the front ‘door just oncet ‘This the fourth ‘Okay! (SOCK!) No ‘one can hear us ill (SLAM) now! (PUNCH!) So a what's theword? | | Soon! Maybe fp! dunno! There's a big — this (000F!) shipment weet rch? (CRACK) You talkin’ to me? Hey, Spade! Haven't > Don't get seen you in aCoon's || cute with ‘age! How's my itt | | me, Sambo, Black-Eyed Pea? Now I'm gonna knock you back out with one last shot! Thanks for Info! You're really 9 friendreste Seiaig | | move ue jemierele'B agent! He's bidding | —T] ret, Grattan mck | {WHATS Excuse me, Sir ‘again? ra || Hust want to tell you that ‘Okay! Okay! I'm Oh, wow! Who was | { Naw! Nobody! I's just that there's Fy “wating! te the |) | ‘tea? Cockeye? || been no violence for nearly 90 seconds, Birdie? Someone ‘30 wo just stuek in this plain ola. vital to the plot! || bloody, gory, disgusting car wreck! = a| _eeeeen eecext ||" Boy, sure wish “Thanks for the tip. Kikel Someone's shooting, — God! [STOP! POLICE EMERGENCY! GOTTA HAVE YOUR CAR! ‘a quick run down this crowded sidewalk. |‘Actually, hadn't Probably.a cop planned to! What Batter a wanted 166 those dumb New ‘Yorkers expect for 35¢ anyway?!? Scheduled stope?!! }.{ You sure aiat The |. last train station >|! {is two miles back | Sewer rel re py Yeah, but But you're right! The we Noodling comeaueneot Spies fH ves usa [| Wnydont | ff staucoutisrunes [there looking to stip hance to |,] they eo Take the cart navels in back to Nantucket! = Spicland What's so great! It es | wnere they spoils the dawoutr | | ence so fart :| came from:‘Since | accidentally killed your best fiend! Can't you ‘forget a petty grudge? Cockaye’s right! The stuff is here 1 Boy, you dumb Mechanies oughta ‘il go back to Mechanicland where you eame from! Now put the car back together again! Dapperbeaus’s waiting fort Wait a What's going on here, anyway? Bapperbeaux, || car? | lost a brown ‘wenever {| Lincoln Continental {got my money! Outside of a few milion Toopholes, twas the perfect erime! | |THE POLICE! Nomater ]| Whosadenthing || Phew is ae ara ive ] Searched wnat you say | about searching my ‘And I'm going ‘And many of the hoods involved in toget myselt this crime who came to this island into @ place ‘and shot it out wth the police were tan be will be released for “insufficient ‘accidentally evidence" | thought shooting at a shot by Gockeyet| fl} | cop would at least be a EE Well, appreciate the compliment, but ‘wasn't me alone! No, sir, was a combination of the connection?DON MARTIN DEPT. PARTI Saeed NY] 0 ZL yi h CRRA TAR RAAT ARRARA AAA9- S Gael qpamaey a[pets Po Zz wl]David Slushkind ind I've been asked to another of those idiotic interviews for MAD Magai this issue, we'll be talking to Mr. Nathan Chaos, Principal of the Nirvana Open School, who has recently been named as MAD’S EDUCATOR OF THE YEAR a tle Tell me, Nate. ''m proud to say that we usually have 100% attendance, David! By You see, David, the Students here are receiving a different type of education from the old‘ashioned "Three R's"! We're interested in the TOTAL child! And that ‘means not just what he learns, but more Right on, Mant Important, how much he enjoys learning it Oh, those aren't jeachers! They're Students! ‘This is Wally Say hello to David Park it here with us, Big David, and ‘groove on this wild sand scene! Here's a shovel, Baby! You digt? |Man, we lke Tehaeal ‘This isa class In Self " A, Expression! it's one of telling you what to do | the many courses students tobe at work. .. when to split P| choose for themselves! forluncht Itwas a drag, Mant But At first, yes! But children have a natural wouldn't rigsity, and we find that they eventually most kids {get bored with play and begin to express @ rather play desire to learn! That's when we place them than study? in our "Reading-Readiness Class +."Tater Ef cme [femen|| oxogee = aa mold] [Why are we LI Nate . are you Mark, go up to the Fe arte | | "skinning [LNiing something blackboard and do the first problem, please! e's @ fine : this room? David, promise] me you'll never tell anyone what you see In this room! David, my boy, | we cout al ‘You mean 1 don't decide! The STUDENTS, ide! But sometimes, a Teacher ave the learn a great i re || students | | deat trom this are "youth || teaching we'd tn sake the time: Students seem i the TP | [Teachers72|"| “"to listen! il approve! Like this ee seen! But the ‘class in "Sex Education ‘older than the Teacherst[As you can see, Hit Welcome to Math, ‘and Basie Eleetronie Engineering! Now, it ‘probably seems to you that the kids are ust siting here, watching Daytime TV! David, here at Nirvana Schoo! we make use off al the latest ‘electronic equipment... ‘ann. Dut you'll look a litte closer, you'll see that when they ‘turn the Channel Selector, they are using numbers! And when they adjust the control knobs, they are working sophisticated electronic equipment! Hey, M not ‘Are you kidding2l? They go to an ld fashioned, strictlystructured [And do they] all attend David this is fone of the most important members ‘of our team. Eric, our School Psychologist... Why are you pleased? You don’t even know mel It's obvious you ‘need professional help! No wonder your Groovy, Mant I dig child can't read! the media! How about 2 plug for my new ook, “THE sensuous rstouo.oaisr"? eam! 1 see that You mean THAT? That has nothing to do with iscipiine! Those boys are getting rid ofooestees a stn There, there, Mrs, Pitney eran h, Eric! Where ig | | Don't punish yourset! How eacArneroa eyo Lie fe] se fait We gave | | were you to Koow what harm nm fovel We gave rim | | you were doing the boy? Wedohave ONE probiem chit, 5 |_|"understanding! We "| | Let me assure you that we I} encouraged nmin |, his teachers and Iwi whatever he di xeep on tng to help hin! x Feit me, The kid's areal misfit! Al Hi, Erct Howe the | : = Eric, aren't you [Ml expect that what is | he wants to dois read ang ‘Shrink business? |= Erle, seers Soe dearer snare % > a, Os Before go, Nate, [{ Of course, that would goa Frdlike toask one [| tong way toward solving the ‘more question problems! But it would cost aren't better-trained | | MONEY! We don't mind spend: Teachers and smaller| | ing ‘And''m gonna need all the ‘clasees the eal | | supersonie planes, missiles patients can get! You dig? answerto all of our | land moonshots ... but NOT on ssucation problems |)/"oureiare’s education an ricaDEAR MONEY AND DADDY DEPT. For generations, college students have been struggling with the problem of writing home for extra money and coming up with the same general results: failure. Now, MAD has developed a foolproof formula for finagling a fast fifty from the folks. It consists of subtly tailoring your appeal to the prejudices, THE ART OF WRITING | Dean Mather and Father, ; hop Ths ind gon ane mambersof he van alin goad sth. 9 as SE hat gue pages ras bpenlt oe eset, tus Seghaning po Gal the pero the ah prov ere Sip es ng Probably, heh ra pla fr Divine hal : (hee mig. nsw bias) gh et uatah sll sunbed GEE Bip Cam make $250 the ving se aie | = tina Quito alt, armil line wit Go note co De. fing Gite oo mt faze Zaid 2 aeuiaable MGT tek ef Gomer Ming Tike bar ute GEM fos et ee Tht, Me Doriduccs gays alt 9 hase ae oes fd Be fn, Pine, eamat) hove poe inansucttd. oe £ oe mote Soe le undinlind why ore ae eee Weert Bue bey del zak fiecdly wrealeel Co olaak off a nae ; hc a ee gaak pei? the #200 5 Lacdlaa* Hears, Emily Dickinson Holl BERT FALVY ; Experienced Student Call Day or Night Fialey See ITEMS CHARGED TO Wg ns, Herbot Faber, Repai hop, Netter, Sind. — avpress 4 A-1 Galo’ pain. Sho Cowell GH#075225!> . Rett bie add tines ii 0 Bee toe ake Cede oft) 3628 3.47 peed ee #$G6(-37 PLEASE REMITfears, aspirations and dull occupational interests of your own particular set of parents. In other words, simply put it in terms they can understand, and they'll fork over every time! If you have any doubts, just check over these examples of sure-fire winners, and you too, can soon be achieving success in. . . OME FOR MONEY Dear Father Realizing the tine pressure of your aogal practice, I regret the need for further correspondence regarding the groovy $85 Jacket I wrote obout recently, However, in denying my appeal for fundsy you have stated that "the very idea of & Jacket being worth $86 1s unprecedented. rebuttal, wish to cite 05 ay precedent the case of TENNESSEE vs. rpLFORD (Vol. 38, Tenn. Cir. Court, PE wun). in this criwinal proceeding, one Yurgit I. Mubiford was convicted on & Trand theft felony count for stealing & $110 from a Chattancogs set ep on or eho my 22, 3887 true, the verdict was reversed on ‘appeal (see MUHLFORD vs. TENNESSEE, Vo ’2, Tenn. Sup. Court, Pe. 506), but even then, the case was dismissed solely because Muhiferd was innocent; not because veket had been over-priced at $110 therefore, I allege that $85 would constitute a proper settlesent in the Satter now under consideration, and trust ‘that your check in that asount will be forthcoming imuediately. Yours very truly, Dear Fo} s 1 was dots cliente to hear that managed to f sidaet a Tagiged fo cull oft" tho last of Aone aS Estates dovelopeent. < too. sary eeleaes S00d news to report > Ee ‘nally Now, for a Participate take to finance ay social activities FOR AN ENTIRE sevesreR) Now think of it! Just FOR EVERYTHING tor yous eo Eaicrn yer" oo 28 students are desanding gacgneerane ~veven $500 tren thei® sarenis i? But you aust ACT QUICKLY to take ¢uiz advantage of this great orton st QE ALIFEIIE. "Suck an oof oUMLTY Jast long. And believe oe resent gS Brsce| vill NEVER bo lover ooo? 1c’ fail that chect "$270.86 BODAY! You'il be" giad seuvciaet”? SS Fondly, Gerald Desh Big Daddy ... | do declare that yall were sure “nuff right in wawnin’ me this Nawthuhn college would’ be nuthin’ but a hotbed of pointy headed radicals. | sweah, a propah-bred young Suthuhn lady Tike me nevah heard tell of such goin's on. They got, NNigras in most all my classes, includin’ some of em ‘men, And | declare, nobody seems to think a thing ‘about it'd truly admire to fly a Confederate flag cout my dawmitawry windah so's none of them Nigra men ‘would dare come round. And Lawd knows, I'd love to be ‘passin’ out Wallace buttons to all the tacky, misguided white trash that's leah Of cawse, i'd take maybe thuty of fawty dollahs to alert everybody to the menace befaw it's too late. And it just makes me downright sick I can't affawd to doit. So | {guess I'll just have to stand aside and watch all cour hallowed traditions die. Your devoted dawtah ... ‘Annabelle Maudie Loupomp pla. Cs ‘ae The maa Daa Thought you mice ue | te Tae. baal ya Tit had to Meter (ptesiKinA age Bee haw, Gand wort of ot, tha adnntr apeporente weak onl smic(kT go at amgtome.. Ne soil Od. baller have bis beal & ‘Cura paki aught Owed D diduiT lyme Om! 10.9 Take bin adbsica. ‘atad 258.75 bo 9 con ok of He Beantr’S toy this £2 you Bent be ‘pgap VIOTEN cuanpaien, Ty uniteleby, son of sot up by police ‘the clean cut tor allegedly a2" aeserted suburb Limit had been deni of justice and ft officers sanittes for the minor to his aid rathe and rot. of the Weekly Advocates Latest victin of the fea that Whittledy va tegmenonent because of his father’s Vo Known, courageous eaitorsal The yéddd/ yourh sre funds to buy bis way ot he expressed BODE puprisHan's SON LATESE SPEED oct. 1 the editor an today beoane the ‘sous spect tFaP notor: yous wing Jan street © maliciously posted: air play: 1a that the $45 Narraction was “somewhat Bieh" ested the wer than 1 0 and te open. nah, wsanaaaly) sling abot V, a a ext teeue! ‘67 miles an ho ‘coat relatives ¥o et him go to gall oxo laimlans Tick ye able to uw Rudolph &- 14 publisher ‘unis city. student was ticketed re a 30-nile Police singled out f0F aa- 1 atend on behalf However, arresting tine levied f she lacked of the bum rap, but wuld cone UNDERSHAW STUDENT University NORMAN G REGISTERED Michigan State poctor & Mes. W. W. Undershaw Saginaw, Wich: pear Parents 4 statement, you 1 $25 per sont 18 ation, Com 13 the enclose’ As you will are now be for Social 1 Consultation fees tis not Pt jossible to explain hich the adult can you are aware that like every unfortunately, 3 these ites in simple tecerstand. Horever, T'S Sure Unsere of farst~rate adolescenses the copise, has increased ereathy ihiso, Taz certain that you Tish te sisoy Tea with the aost experience? off hat money can DUY. fontinue to fopring, at your earliest conven ne regarding this SS thea with therefore, sence. If matters fe ay ans Sng service very sincerely Yours, enn CoMndvallew ®S- 25 Oot 850 Hours” Brie. Gen Tae pean, & Mes. Zach Ta Penagae Parnray =“ PPsbisher Now hear this! 1. Notie: ‘ “Leatio first strike" internat ona: ©. doreitory — etc CRA of medi ecbeaety drat # fie otaace Jackets for ete necks> sport tockpiling a huge a with defenseless fossite Peace ae ana sede 5. In ord : rder to on bona! nount. a.m halt of the free workdy 12 a2 try otfort, it is recomended that yo rot ur office appre be ADDropriation et eoce, MPPLenontal ward 4. 7 am awa: 0, sir, that ne mit pie clothing a1 ended, but st budget year alread i alotsont eet eeta tt ROW appears that actions of the” cungisise Marxist conspiracy nave Loft we ast me danger dai sone Thorefor 2 $100 ima fore, I appeal for an Respect uli Ay subeittea ZX ae 2.L. Frobisher 111JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PARTBERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPT. same economic level fest Sortant or Intellectual equals... P o = eompatbie? Well] [You mean it depends ‘You mean it dapands on [[tedepends on whether ting || it | onwhether both your mt bot rethe same we (ol depends!) | “Yamilies approve? = “religion... from the (wna tis On2tt You're | feet married ‘and she'll weart then why| | toget gaint! You bought such an dent | | mariedin SeieRning | [PxEteems”| | ‘Se | tte | seerenene | | nokine sm are ee Granddaughter, and Hl — isnt} No! Gut! DO expect) {ribet your ‘Okay. ) { who wants | extravagance?! , expecting to| | tonaveadaughter, | | Mother never ? [Aodwort ) (Fre you aay ees) they ota Wedding isa vry deeate, are falda and_| ( Planning the seating avangemont ) ("Relatives = Rhee | (Weert fas orton gunn oe! them iogetier!| | mater You've gotto pace psopie | | soitvest | | propane | | Seltigan seunen vw anton | | “theynevert | |unomre compstblecinccarener| | Whats | | ae! | S| (-geessey| | “atetmeuttntaney”| | Siow | | tamer i i: ee "it first place?DINGS | (Okay, but we can't Invite i | |_ my se hhewas once married ‘to MY present Step- Mother, nd they hed a batt royal (THEY were aivorceat ni fees | {tees the same (ee | ‘We can't invite my | Mother for the same reason!) ‘just think!) (Yes, dear! | But fest, a decide who we should x invite to (the Weddingt FTean tn you ] Vator oe eatticniary |_| Fuentes ry prone war nore V | second ‘Step iS He was we have to [aut tney're all wearing it this year, | Wet your) ‘don't want it ] | "toritiike a | glovel t want | la Tux! Show me jaa ela! Let's get on with the rehearsal!) Okay, everybody! Ready? Feat ate ehowedir | (_Teniech ee pone— the Groom! Next th “Then the Brides the Father and ( Ring-Bearer and Flower Girt [HOLD ri wheres we [Bride and the Groom? Oh, there you are! Listen, we're suposed to be rehearsing for the Wedding! What are eo two doing’? [on ‘wen oF OTHER SuCKERSE (WHO? Wino are these "ALLS" you say are wearing 2)1) ss) ieraesle| ssi! Hey, Kathy is Catholic, isn't she? trove LI” thate Weddings! | CIGARS!Taagaaaiesae) —[fencmese maa! ([cmoreuiovse) ‘so ridic jays Isn't she beautiful?!? | / (aepaesoeta) mene weearnr} as iVY = a] [emcmenacra) 1 = eee ak Cele po ote ] [Close the) [ Hey! seal (i z = { le $ Lip w lA MARRIED you?!? 's Funny, he doesn’t | | the IK ik DMONASCSCHAIN REACTION DEPT.AT BICYCLINGNETWORK-OVER DEPT, For years, scholars have been bemoaning the fact that most people would rather watch television than read classical literature. To us at MAD, the reason is obvious. A TREASURY OF TELE ARTIST: JACK DAVIS er, I remember, emomber, I re Iremember, I remember, Irememb The T.V. days of yore, Rod Serling’s galden day Pat Paulsen's visage dour: When Milton Berle lit up the tube —_It took him twenty minutes just His show would always start low key With jokes and laughs galore To introduce a play And stay there half an hour And Jerry Lewis would perform Then Andy and the Kingfish came, And surely, music fans recall With great good taste and tact. Two comics for the books ‘The old Fred Waring Show The highlight of his weekly show: They showed with great hilarity With fifty Pennsylvanians, Aspastic moron act. All colored folks are crooks All playing very slow. MARY TYLER MOORE Mary Tyler Moore is in the newsroom to stay, by James Flitcan Wryly To decorate the teletypes with flowers bright and gay. And sometimes in the evening, when the local news is done, We sit amid the ticker tape and have the mostest fun. Then Mister Grant brings out the booze, and screams his lusty ery, And all the fellahs swear lot, and Mary bakes a pie. Then we all reminisce about the golden days of yore, When Lou typed up the sports report, and Ted mis-read each score: And Murray worked to help the fuzz.seek out the Fogel bunch, While, graciously, the gang was taking Mary out to lunch. Still, Mary's handy ‘round the place as any girl might be, Forever chatting on the phone or brewing pots of tea. And when she's told to hurriedly find something in the file, She always greets the order with a charming, vacant smile. Anewsman's life may be your lot before your days are through. And who's to say some pretty girl won’t seek a job from you? 80 best be on your guard if you've a mind what you're about, *Gause Mary Tyler Moore'll get you if you Don't Wateh Out!‘Until now, there hasnt heen any classical literature dealing with the average person's favorite subject: television. The crying need finally is met as we herewith present... SION POETR WRITER: TOM KOCH AND PROSE BLABBING FOR CASH ON A SNOWY EVENING Iremember, remember, Pat Buttram and Pat Boone, The Munsters and Car Fifty-four, And Snooky Lanson’s tune, by Robert Permafrost And when Isit and meditate Which talk show’s this? Isure don’t know! I'll throw in dirty words to bleep, Upon the shows we've had, y ist said be here, so— For I've a contract I must keep, [realize that TV today Near Johnny, Dick or Merv And hours to talk before I sleep, Is really not so bad, ‘And prattle on with sparkling wit ‘And hours to talk before DAVID, DEAR DAVID by John Chancelor David, dear David, please stop talking now! You've babbled jor half of the show ‘Three items I've cut of major import Along with a film from S While you've been predicting Next month when he visits Ce Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Please, David, dear David, shut up! David, dear David, you're still rambling on! You're ten minutes over your time. ‘Name-dropping each big shot who's your personal friend, ve news of the year's biggest crime ‘Twelve people were killed in mid-town New York, Including the heir to a crown, It’s earth-sha d sure like to report can’t because you won't pipe down Pipe down! Pipe down! Pipe down! Please, David, dear David, pipe down! David, dear David, I still hear your voice! It’s almost the end of the show. ‘The President just gave a major address Our audienco might like to know. ‘The highlights we filmed, but can’t show them now, Because of the way you've blabbed on. Tomorrow, perhaps, I can give today's news, But right now, our time is all gone. Sign off! Sign off! Sign off! Please, David, dear David, sign off!THE BALLAD OF SHOWS THAT FAIL High in the halls of CBS, ‘We met that fateful day, To learn theschedule for the fal: ‘Which shows would go or stay? ‘And though each man feigned confidence, Each face was prison grey. \Weiled into the Conference Room; Each tried to mask is fear, But nervous coughing filled the air ‘As zero hour drew near. ‘And soon, the pounding of my heart Was all that could hear, In time, the Program Chief arrived, Amanof steely eye; ‘And as he glared at one doomed soul, heard. stifled cry 1'll make this brief,” our leader said “Green Acres’ has to die!” Some felt relief that they'd been spared, ‘While tears were shed by some, ‘And others sat there glassy-eyed As if they'd been struck dumb. Beside me, one wretch murmured, “wait! The worst is yet to come!” Atleast, the Program Chief went on; His tone was sad and slow: “To tell the truth, we've put the axe Toevery rural show. I won't delve into reasons now, But ‘Hee Haw’ has to go! “The Beverly Hillbillies’, too, Have just closed out their stay, ‘And I decree the Clampett clan Shall all be put away. Let’shearno more of squirrel stew Henceforward from today! by Oscar “Wild” Ideas “In truth, Loved those rural shows; Each yokel l adored. Buteach man kills the thing he foves By look or word or sword, Some kill for gold; some kill for lust; Some just because they're bored, PREAMBLE TO MIKE CONNORS’ CONTRACT We, the producers of “Mannix,” in order to film a more violent program, depict the evasion of justice, insure scenes of perpetual hostility, provide for weekly groin-kicking of the defense- less, portray eternal gangland warfare, and secure the blessings of affluence to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this contract for Mike Connors, on condition that he miracu- lously survive the trompings, shootings and concussions accorded him by our adventure-loving script writers. “Some men kill for the joy of it, To watch the blood ooze pink But | kill fora reason that Is different than you'd think ve only killed these shows because The ratings say they stink!”WIRETAP FEVER by Greg Morris I must go out and bug phones again In the home of some evil guy, And all Task is a fake LD. So the guards will lot me by. Imust go down to the basement, too. Where the wiring all will be; And I'll change each fuse and pull each plug "Til this hostile land's set free. I've never known how a tyrant thinks, Or what lights his inner fires. only know that he'll flee in fear Once he finds I've switched his wires. MATT DILLON, MY SON by Mrs. M. J. Dillon, Sr. “O where ha’e ye been, Matt Dillon, my son? Owhere ha’e ye been, my lanky young man?” “Lgot shot near Topeka at least sixteen times. Now I'm weary wi’ bleeding, and fain wald lie down.” “Why rode ye so far, Matt Dillon, my son? peka’s not close, my tin-badged young man.” hen Sioux warriors pursue me, I go where I'm chased. Now pull out these darned arrows s0 I can lie down.” “Ye fought with the Sioux, Matt Dillon, my son? There's none within miles, my roving young man!” “When some crooks tried to hang me, Ifled the wrong way. Get this rope off my neck now; I fain wald lie down.” “Why seek out danger, Matt Dillon, my son? * “But ‘Gunsmoke’s’ filmed here, Matt Dillon, my son! /hy not stay in Dodge, my foolish youngman?” =~ How come you blow town, my mixed up young man?” “I must roam o'er the prairie each third episode. “So Ineed but appear in two shows out of three. “Tis a clause in my contract. Now let me lie down.” To be frank, Ma, I'm lazy, so let me lie down.” LINCOLN’S UPDATED CHANGE OF ADDRESS Four years and thirteen weeks ago, our network foisted off upon this nation “The Doris Day Show." concsived by fone of the producer's children, and dedicated to the propo- sition that all viewers are idiis. Now we are engaged in a great ratings war, testing whether this program, or amy pro- Bram s0 conceived and s0 dedicated, can endure for five ‘We are met today on the C.B.S. parking lot. We have come to dedicate a portion of that lot in memory of thore who gladly jumped out windows rather than watch even ‘one more hilarious episode of the fun-filled mis-adventure fof gorgeous, irresistible, middle-aged career girl and her two adorable moppets, But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow thie asphalt. Rather, itis for us, the living, to here highly resolve that the "Doris Day ‘Show shall have a new burst of sponsorship, and that drivel ff the people, by the people and for our profit shall not perish from the tube.HOWARD AT THE MIKE by Emetht Lawrenth Thayer The Colts opposed the Cowboys on an autumn Monday night, And thousands gathered in the stands to watch the gala sight; Forwho would win this awesome clash, no one for sure could tell, Except, of course, that visionary: A.B.C.’s Cosell. For never once had Howard failed to keenly analyze Each move and bit of strategy, for Howard was all-wise. Offt-times, his voice betrayed the fact he found the game a bore, For, in advance, he'd sensed each play and guessed the final score. ‘This Monday night found him prepared to share his wizardry With all the stupid slobs at home, now watching on TV. “The Colts’ defense,” Cosell intoned, “will take an awful toll!” Then, Dallas ran the opening kick-off back to score a goal. A moment later, Baltimore was on the Dallas two. “They'll smash off tackle,” said Cosell. “I’m sure that’s what they'll do!” Instead, the Colts fired off a pass that scored a quick T.D. “A rotten call there,” Howard said. “Not one approved by me!” Then, just before the halftime gun, the Colts faced third and five. “They've got to pass,” announced Cosell, “to keep this march alive!” But Baltimore stayed on the ground and gained a first and ten. Cosell screamed out in righteous rage, ‘Their coach has goofed again!” And so it went for Howard through the whole disastrous fray. His only good prediction came on what the band would play. Next morn, he got his notice he'd been fired by A.B.C. “A grave mistake,” he said. “It seems the whole world’s wrong but me!” ODE TO “ALL IN THE FAMILY” by John Looseleaf Grittier Blessings on thee, hard hat man! , Pinko bent lessings on thee,” new friends said. man Archie Bunker fan, © {fold ine that | must repent; Hl “Bigotry, you've found, is dead,” Proud to watch you on TV. Looked at me with eyebrows aisedfgl 7)) I pretended to agree; Speaking up for bigotry. /Til the Spies and Jews | praised. But lived in misery, Inmy mind, youare the tops, Oh; the price in friends | paid Knowing in my secret fright Ranting out against the Wops; When | ealied a Spade a Spade Tsull loved the far-out Right ‘Warning of the Commie goons; Neighbors scarcely talked to me Now, bless Archie Bunker's soul, Choosing not to mix with Coons. /Til loved Ted Kennedy. {can play my natural role Though I'm sure itcan’tshow through, sadly, | admit it’s true, J See what laughs his comments bring? {as once a Bigot, 0. Ibecame a Liberal, 0. Bigotrys the new “in” thing!DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Il==" GRIMINAL OIL COMPANIES Zo=4errov L uU N G c A N c —E R OMm4+pz=-23>42Z00 PUT THEM ALL TOGEPES DEPT. WRITER: DON EDWING SOAP COMPANIES P H o s P H A T E s Zo=st0Z2=4xm PUSHERS EN B ER, THEY SPELL...——— —VIOLENCE IS GOLDEN DEPT. Nowadays, a lot of people are beginning to feel that if we'd only let the forces of Law and Order take over, crime and violence would be eliminated. But after watching some of the so-called Law Enforcement Officers and Private Eyes on TV, we're not s0 sure. You'll see what we mean as we take a MAD look at T'V’s top Crime-Fighter .. . = ee gram f mel =| —_ Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birtnday, dear Mari ‘Union! (Honest! Fwovwesten] =| * 1M mareit's Lt. TaleumtNo, that’s justa story ‘That figurest He did et | nundreds of paintings, norman: ‘give up your ear for me, _ LER SYN SRAM NOE A ite, Manic! Tell me ummy! tmean the [ff] kat nee! That's the reason | Widower, the ear isthe EAR alright? Van Gogoea'!!” [MN] hired YOU! See, Manic. every is lawful mine, oS time you get involved with a poate | dame, che ha a fatal accident! is cheaperand surer than putting out contract on hert ee ee epemcnpena (A reser x J"<< Whats going on here? Tustin time! Better call the Meat Wagon! ‘We've gota poo! full ‘Why, Lt. Taleum, you ‘oF devil never reamed you cared! You Never said anything! someone very close to you Za Ef | never near iz! Besides, m off du ry ge fi, Lt. Talcum! You're being bored 3) areceree [teers | Fal ™Y, ' [Not ME, Burs dum [timean Puatt | ‘And with all those None of this | [MeDerren s ight Every —) Some coincidence! It's | outs nave | | time! telintoveand’ | | “happened at7 times! | Reppened it | | I'mabout to score, the Tve got to find out VanGoge had| | sil gets zonkedit ‘only used an |< lectriers20r! aa / Te just coineidencel | | _fortune'n flowers! ~ He's right! ve always hed a bad tase'on you! So kept eliminating the competition, hoping that you'd But, Pug! could never marry you! You're Black? | never naticed!! Why? Because featipectsroon fm Bick tonotena me! came ied x 54 eC. Leutenant, il ]—) THIS is [=] But what sponsor would bankroll letyouinona | |thereal | |” aTVSeries about a Private little secret f Eye that looks lke this... 72HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS MAD FOLD-IN Many of our finest Colleges and Universities graduate students who are ill-prepared for the careers they seek. But there is one particular Institution that consistently turns out alumni who are effectively educated there and become welltrained experts in their chosen field. To find out which remarkable institution this is, simply fold in the page as shown on the right. fun ws secon verter (8 rwnakeso-4e wes 9 SOME INSTITUTIONS PRESCRIBE IRRELEVANT COURSES THAT DETER STUDENTS FROM THEIR PRIMARY CAREER OBJECTIVES. A VERY GOOD LESSON CAN BE LEARNED BY OBSERVING THE WELL- TRAINED GRADUATES OF ONE INSTITUTION A>