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Hairspray Music: Marc Shaiman Lyrics: Marc Shaiman, Scott Wittman Book: Thomas M eehan, Mark O'Donnell Premiere:

Thursday, August 15, 2002 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ACT I PROLOGUE: BALTIMO RE, JUNE 1962 1. GOOD MORNING BALTIMORE TRACY Oh, oh, oh Acordei hoje Sentindo-se do jeito que eu sempre fao Oh, oh, oh Com fom e de algo Que eu no posso comer Ento eu escuto aquela batida O ritmo da cidade Com ea a me chamar como uma mensagem de Bem acima Oh, oh, oh Puxando-me para fora Par a os sorrisos e as Ruas que eu amo TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) Bom dia Baltimore Cada dia como uma porta aberta Toda noite uma fantasia Cada som como uma sinfonia Bom di a Baltimore E algum dia quando eu tomar o cho acordar O mundo vai para cima e ver Baltimore e eu Oh, oh, oh Olha o meu cabelo O "fazer" pode comparar comigo hoje ? Oh, oh, oh, Eu tenho o meu laqu e rdio Estou pronto para ir Os ratos na rua Toda s as danas em volta dos meus ps Eles parecem dizer "Tracy, isso depende de voc"

Ento, oh, oh No me segurar Porque hoje todos os meus sonhos vo se realizar Bom dia Baltimore H o pisca-pisca que mora ao lado H o vagabundo em seu banquinho de bar E les me desejem sorte no meu caminho para a escola Bom dia Baltimore E algum dia quando eu tomar o cho acordar O mundo vai para cima e ver Baltimore e eu Eu sei q ue cada passo Eu sei todas as msicas Eu sei que h um lugar onde eu perteno Eu vejo todas aquelas luzes brilhando frente do partido Ento, algum me convidar Antes de e u cair morto! ENSEMBLE Antes que ela cai morto! TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) Ento, oh, oh M e d uma chance Porque quando eu comeo a danar, eu sou uma estrela de cinema Oh, oh, oh Algo dentro de mim que me faz mover Quando ouo o sulco Minha me me diz que no M as meus ps me ir! como uma bateria dentro do meu corao Oh, oh, oh No me faa esperar S mais um momento de minha vida para comear ... ENSEMBLE Bom dia, bom dia Esperando a minha vida para iniciar TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) Eu te amo Baltimore Cada dia como uma porta aberta Toda noite uma fantasia Cada som como uma sinfonia

E eu prometo Baltimore Que algum dia, quando Eu vou para o cho acordar O mundo va i para cima e ver Vamos acordar e ver Baltimore e eu ... ENSEMBLE Sim, mais ou m enos We All Agree TRACY Baltimore e eu ... ENSEMBLE Algum dia o mundo Vai ver TR ACY Baltimore e eu! SCENE 1: TV STATION / TRACYS 2. THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN CORNY Hey there, Teenage Baltimore! Don't change that channel! 'Cause it's time for the Corny Collins Sho w! Brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray! CORNY (& COUNCIL MEMBERS) Ev'ry aft ernoon When the clock strikes four (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) A crazy bun ch of kids Crash through that door (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) They throw off their coats And leave the squares behind And then they shake it, shake it, s hake it Like they're losing their mind You'll never see them frown 'Cause they'r e the nicest kids in town Every afternoon You turn your T.V. on (na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na) And we know you turn the sound up When your parents are gone, yeah

(na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na) And then you twist and shout For your favorite star And once you've practiced every step That's in your repertoire You better come on down And meet the nicest kids in town (Running from school to Tracys hous e) TRACY Hurry Penny, hurry, the shows already started! Were gonna miss it! PENNY Im hurrying, Tracy, but my mother says Im not allowed to perspire! TRACY Cmon! (Bac k at Tracys house. Edna and Prudy are talking.) PRUDY Edna, is my laundry ready? EDNA Who wants to know? Sure is hon. Come on up. That will be three dollars. PRU DY Thats pretty pricely for a few pairs of pettipants. EDNA Im sorry, Prudy Pingle ton, but there were some extra charges. Some of your personal stains required po unding on a rock. (Tracy and Penny enter). TRACY Im home! EDNA Four oclock. Guess I dont need to ask who got detention again. Tracy Turnblad, mind your manners and say hello to our guest. TRACY Hello, Mrs. Pingleton. EDNA And you, Penny? PENNY Hello Mrs. Pingleton... I mean... mother. EDNA

Teenagers. They just love watching that Corny Collins. PRUDY Delinquents. It aint right dancing to that colored music. EDNA Dont be silly, it aint colored, the TVs black and white. (Prudy exits shaking her head in disapproval). PRUDY Penny Ping leton, come back before I kill your grandmother, yesterday it was almost too lat e... PENNY Yes mother, just keep away from the knives this time... PRUDY Yeah ye ah... and remember... you keep away from any kind of race expresion... PENNY Yes Mom. CORNY Nice white kids Who like to lead the way And once a month We have ou r "negro day!" And i'm the man who keeps it spinnin' round Mr. Corny Collins Wit h the latest, greatest Baltimore sound!! So every afternoon Drop everything (bop -bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) Who needs to read and write When you can dance and sing? (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) Forget about your algebra And calculus You can always do your homework On the morning bus Can't tell a verb from a noun They're the nicest kids in town Roll Call!! COUNCIL MEMBERS I'm Amber! Brad! Ta mmy! Fender!

Brenda! Sketchy! Shelley! I.Q. Lou Ann! And I'm...LINK! (All of the girls scream .) TRACY Oh Link! Kiss me again and again! EDNA Turn that racket down. Im trying to iron in here. CORNY (& COUNCIL MEMBERS) So, if every night you're shaking As you lie in bed (mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony) And the bass and drums Are pounding i n your head (mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony) Who cares about sleep When you can snooz e in School? They'll never get to college But they sure look cool Don't need a c ap and a gown 'Cause they're the nicest Kids in town They're the nicest. Nicest They're the nicest, nicest They're the sugar 'n' spicest, The nicest kids in... Kids in town! CORNY And that was our new dance of the week, the stricken chicken. Well be right back. (Lights shift in the TV studio). VELMA And were off! All right , people, how many times do I have to tell you? We do not pick our noses, while on camera. And Tammy that thing is horrible, lose it. You too, Fender. (The kids sadly turn away to remove their padding). And Link, stop hogging the camera; yo ure not Elvis yet. Amber... hog the camera. AMBER Yes, mother.

VELMA And you, Mr Collins! None of that Detroit sound today. You have something against good music? CORNY The kids are just over the moon for rhythm and blues, Velma. They cant get enough. VELMA Theyre kids, Corny. Thats why we have to steer t hem in the white direction... I mean... you know what I mean. LINK Amber, Ive got something for you. (Offers his ring). I figured, since weve been going together sort of... steadily... maybe we should make it official. AMBER Oh, Link. Your Co uncil Member ring. How sweet. And it matches my hair color exactly! VELMA Ah, ah , ah! None of that! Save your personal lives for the camera! And were back in fiv e, four, three... CORNY Now dont forget, guys and Gidgets, our very first prime t ime spectacular is coming up on June 6th . Well be live at Baltimores brand new Ev entorium broadcasting nationwide! Talent scouts will arrive from all of the majo r record labels, and sponsoring the event will be none other than our Ultra Clut ch Hairspray. So, lets give a great big fawning Baltimore salute to the President of Ultra Clutch, Mr. Spritzer. SPRITZER Ultra clutch is happy to bring you fine youngsters to national attention. ALL Our big break! CORNY Also live on the spe cial, well be crowning your choice for Miss Teenage Hairspary 1962! AMBER My big break! (Back at Tracys) EDNA Well, isnt she a lovely slim girl. TRACY I guess Ambe rs pretty but she cant dance. PENNY Plastic little spastic.

TRACY Oh no! Im gonna kill myself. Look! Shes wearing Links council ring! AMBER (Re ading from a cue card) Hey, gang, dont forget to watch Mom and me next Thursday o n Mother-Daughter Day. And I want to be your Miss Teenage Hairspray. Remember, a vote for me from you is a vote for me. CORNY What an unexpected ad lib., Amber. And speaking of expecting the unexpected, our own fun loving, freewheeling Bren da will be taking a leave of absence from the show. How long will you be gone Br enda? BRENDA Nine months. CORNY So, it seems well have an opening for a girl who is just as fun loving, but maybe not quite as freewheeling. Wanna be one of the nicest kids in town? Cut school tomorrow and come on down to station WZZT to aud ition! TRACY Ohmigod! Its the drean of a lifetime. I have to go audition. PENNY O hmigod! Its the dream of a lifetime. I have to go watch you audition. EDNA (turni ng off the TV) Thatll be enough of that for one day. No one is auditioning for an ything. Therell be no cutting school in this house. PENNY But Mrs. Turnblad... ED NA Penny, go tell your mother she wants you. PENNY She does? I better hurry. Bye Mrs. Turnblad, bye Tracy. (Penny bumps Wilbur as he enters). WILBUR Whoa! Rush hour traffic! Hiya ladies. Since I got that new shipment of exploding bubble gum , business downstairs is booming! How are my two funny honeys? EDNA Oh, stop Wil bur. Youre the funny one. TRACY Daddy, tomorrow Im auditioning to dance on a TV sh ow. EDNA

Youre going to have to go further than that to get around me, young lady. No ones auditioning for anything. And what did I tell you about that hair? All ratted up like a teenaged Jezebel. TRACY Mother, you are so fifties. Even our first lady, Jackie B. Kennedy rats her hair. EDNA Yeah? Well, you aint no first lady, are ya ? Shes a hair hopper, thats what got her put in detention again. (Taking Wilbur as ide). Wilbur, talk to her- Girls like Tracy... people like us... you know what Im saying. They dont put people like us on TV, except to be laughed at. WILBUR Trac y, this TV thing... you really want it? TRACY Its my dream, Daddy. WILBUR Then yo u go for it! This is America, babe. You gotta think big to be big. EDNA Being bi g is not the problem Wilbur. WILBUR When I was oyur age my parents begged me to run away with the circus, but I said, No, thats what you want. I have dreams of my own. I dreamt of opening a chain of joke shops worldwide. So, okay, Ive still got only one, but someday, if I can figure out how to keep the air from leaking out of my sofa sized Whoopee Cushion, Im going to make a noise heard round the world ! (Edna screams with delight) You follow your dream, baby. Im grabinan orange crus h and heading back to the shop... I got my dream and I wuv it! EDNA Youre not hel ping Wilbur! TRACY Thanks Daddy. EDNA Tracy, come back up here. Ive got hampers o f laundry ans my diet pill is wearing off. TRACY But Mamma I want to be famous. EDNA You want to be famous? Learn how to get blood out of a car upholstery. Now thats a skill you could take right to the bank. You think I wanted to spend my li fe washing and ironing other peoples clothing? No, I wanted to design them. I tho ught I would be the biggest thing in brassieres. Well, you deal with what life g ives you. Now start folding. TRACY Ugh.

SCENE 2: PENNYS / TRACYS / AMBERS (At Penny and Prudys House). PENNY But Mom, all I was doing was watching Corny Collins over at Tracys. PRUDY Didnt I forbid you from listening to race music? Oh, if the police ever locate your father hell punish y ou good. (At Amber and Velmas House). VELMA Your dancing was atrocious yoday, Amb er. Im willing to lie, cheat, and steal to win you that Miss Hairspray crown, but youve got to work with me. Now let me at that zit! (At Tracys House). EDNA Stop! Thats no way to treat clean clothes. One day youll own Ednas Ocidental Laundry Will y ou be ready? TRACY I hope not. 3. MAMA, I'M A BIG GIRL NOW PRUDY Don't contradic t me! VELMA Don't disobey me! EDNA Don't even think about going to that audition . TRACY, PENNY & AMBER Please! MOMS No! 3 GIRLS Mother!!!! MOMS Stop!

PENNY Stop telling me what to do MOMS Don't! AMBER Don't treat me like a child o f two MOMS No! TRACY I know that you want what's best MOMS Please! TRACY But mot her, please, GIRLS Give it a rest!!! ALL Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! N o! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Mama. I'm a big girl now! TRACY Once upon a time when I was just a kid You never let me do iust what the older kids did But lose that laundry list of what you won't allow GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now AMBER Once upon a time I used to play with toys But now i'd rather play aro und with teenage boys So, if I get a hickey, please don't have a cow GIRLS 'Caus e mama, i'm a big girl now PENNY Ma, I gotta tell you that without a doubt I get my best dancing lessons from you You're the one who taught me how to "twist and shout" Because you shout non-stop And you're so twisted too! Wo -oh -oh -oh -oh

TRACY Once I used to fidget 'Cause I just sat home AMBER But now i'm just like g idget And I gotta get to rome! PENNY So say, arrivederci! TRACY Toodle-loo! AMBE R And ciao! GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now ALL Stop! Don't! No! Please! S top! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl now (hey mama, say mama) TRACY Once upon a time I was a shy young thing Could barely walk and talk so much as dance and sing But let me hit that stage, I wanna take my bow GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now AMBER Wo - oh - oh - oh - oh Once upon a time I used to dress up 'ken' But now that i'm a woman, I like bigger men And I don't need a barbie doll to show me how GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now GIRLS Ma, you always taught me What was right from wrong And now I iust wan na give it a try Mama, i've been in the nest for far too long So please give a p ush and mama watch me fly AMBER Watch me fly

GIRLS Hey, mama, say mama PENNY Someday I will meet a man You won't condemn AMBE R And we will have some kids And you can torture them TRACY But let me be a star Before I take that vow GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now PENNY Oh - Oh - Oh GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl now AMBER Hey - Hey - Hey GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl AMBER Ooh, such a big, big girl! GIRLS I'm a big girl now ALL Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! N01 please! GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl now!!! SCENE 3: THE AUDITION LOU ANN Thats it Mrs. Von Tussle. She was the l ast candidate. VELMA Really? Thats all? Who would ve guessed that Baltimore girls were all so horrible? My, how this town has gone downhill since I was crowned Mi ss Baltimore Crabs.

(Tracy & Penny enter, running, out of breath). TAMMY Oh wait Mrs. Von Tussle, it seems we have another downhill girl to audition. TRACY Phew! I thought wed never get here. Stupid bus crash! PENNY All my life I imagined what this place would look like. This isnt it. TRACY Hi there. Am I too late to audition? VELMA Not too late, dear. Just too much PENNY Tracy! Look, its Link! TRACY Link Larkin. So nea r, and yet so gorgeous. LINK (hes talking to Fender) I know, those girls were all over me. I dont know how Rock Hudson stands it. (He walks right into Tracy). Exc use me, little darling, I hipe I didnt mess your do. (Everyone freezes except Trac y and Penny). 4. I CAN HEAR THE BELLS TRACY I can hear the bells PENNY Tracy, ar e you all right? TRACY Well, don'tcha hear them chime? PENNY I don't hear anythi ng. TRACY Can't 'cha feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time? And all because he. .. Touched me He looked at me and stared, yes he Bumped me My heart was unprepar ed when he Tapped me And knocked me off my feet One little touch Now my life's c omplete 'cause when he

Nudged me Love put me in a fix, yes it Hit me Just like a ton of bricks, yes my Heart burst Now I know what life's about One little touch And love's knocked me out and, TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) I can hear the bells My head is spinning I can hear the bells Something's beginning Everybody says That a girl who looks like me Can 't win his love Well, just wait and see 'cause I can hear the bells Just hear th em chiming I can hear the bells My temp'rature's climbing I cant contain my joy 'Cause I fin'ly found the boy I've been missin' Listen! I can hear the bells Rou nd one He'll ask me on a date and then Round two I'll primp, but won't late beca use Round three's When we kiss inside his car Won't go all the way But i'll go p retty far! And then, Round four He'll ask me for my hand and then Round five We' ll book the wedding band so by Round six Amber, much to your surprise This heavy weight champion Takes the prize and... I can hear the bells My ears are ringing I can hear the bells The bridesmaids are singing

Everybody says Thet a guy who's such a gem Won't look my way Well, the laugh's o n them 'cause I can hear the bells My father will smile I can hear the bells As he walks me down the aisle My mother starts to cry But I can't see 'cause Link a nd I Are french kissin' Listen! I can hear the bells I can hear the bells My hea d is reeling I can hear the bells I can't stop the pealing Everybody warns That he won't like what he'll see But I know that he'll look Inside of me yeah, I can hear the bells Today's just the start 'cause I can hear the bells And 'til deat h do us part And even when we die We'll look down from up above Remembering the night That we two fell in love We both will share a tear And he'll whisper as we 're reminiscin' Listen! I can hear the bells ENSEMBLE She can hear the bells TRA CY I can hear the bells ENSEMBLE She can hear the bells TRACY I can hear the bel ls ENSEMBLE

Bong, bong, bong, bong! AMBER And what are you doing here? TRACY I came to audit ion for Corny. My name is Tracy Turnblad. And, like you, I go to Patterson Park High... SHELLEY Yes, Ive seen you. AMBER Who could miss her? Arent you usually in detention about now? TRACY I cut school to come down here. Isnt that too cool? Im a little nervous, can I start over. I assure youll calm down, right after I have a heart attack! 5. (THE LEGEND OF) MISS BALTIMORE CRABS TRACY Well, I brought my own '45s,' so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff! LOU ANN Haven't you al ready shown us enough? {The Council Girls snicker.) VELMA Oh my god How times ha ve changed This girl's either blind Or completely deranged Ah, but time seemed t o halt When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs" TRACY Its been my childhood dream to dan ce on this show! AMBER Well, maybe you oughta go back to sleep! Childhood dreams For me were cracked When that damn shirley temple Stole my frickin' act But the crown's in the vault From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs" Those poor runner-u ps Might still hold some grudges They padded their 'cups' But I screwed the judg es

Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Not a chance! Cause I hit the stage Batons ablaze While belting high 'c's And preparin g souffles! But that triple somersault Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs" ! VELMA Proceed... TAMMY Are you scared we're on live? TRACY No, I'm sure I can cope! AMBER Well, this show isn't broadcast in... COUNCIL GIRLS ...Cinemascope! VELMA I never drank one chocolate malt No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs " SHELLEY How many sweaters do you own? TRACY Well, I'm sure I've got plenty Let 's see, I have three...five?... Wait, I have twenty!! VELMA I would say 'oy geva lt' If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"! A tycoon I wed So cuddly and funny The o ld fart dropped dead But left tons of money So I bought this station VELMA & COU NCIL GIRLS So all of the nation Could see VELMA Baby amber and me!

AMBER Do you dance like you dress? LINK Amber, there's no need to be cruel! VELM A Would you swim in an integrated pool? (The Council Members gasp.) TRACY I sure would. I'm all for integration, it's The New Frontier! VELMA Not in Baltimore i t isn't! And may I be frank? First impressions can be tough And when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough Your last answer just blew it! And so, my dear, so short and stout You'll never be "in" VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS So we're kic king you out! VELMA You can't get past me kid But it isn't your fault VELMA & CO UNCIL MEMBERS It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore... VELMA ...Crabs!" You ma y go. TRACY Um... thank you? PENNY Gee Tracy, that went well! (Lorraine comes in ). LORRAINE Hello Ma'am, may I please audition? VELMA

No, but you can bow and exalt! 'Cause I was "Miss Baltimore... VELMA & THE COUNC IL MEMBERS ...Crabs"! Crabs, Crabs!!! SCENE 4: DETENTION TRACY Why do they have to be so mean? Will they give me a chance? Encouragement? Appreciation? No, all I ever hear is... PRINCIPAL Tracy Turnblad, once again your monumental hair do h as seriously obstructed everyones view of the blackboard. As Principal of Patters on Park High, I condemn you to three more days of detention! TRACY Detention! Is there no pity for a teen just trying to fit in? SEAWEED Maybe you shouldnt try s o hard? TRACY Excuse me. You get detention just about every time I do, and Ive ne ver seen you complain. SEAWEED Its how I use my blues. DUANE Use them blues honey ! You gotta use them to lose them. TRACY Hey, that moves swift. SEAWEED The man c an dine me on a diet of detention so long as he dont starve me of my tunes. Heres a little something that says: Hello, my name is Seaweed... TRACY Thats unbelievab le. Can I do that? SEAWEED I dont know... can you? TRACY Hello, my name is Tracy Turnblad. STOOIE Hey! Not bad for a white girl. SEAWEED

Aint no black and white here... detention is a rainbow experience. TRACY Oh! Whats that step? SEAWEED Oh this? I call it the hottie... I use it to attract the oppos ite sex... Good girl! You almost have it! TRACY Oh my God! Ive just realized who you are. Ive seen you dance on Negro Day. LORRAINE Of course you have... his mom hosts the show! TRACY Your Mom is Motormouth Maybelle, the DJ? That makes you li ke... royalty! Negro day is the best! I wish every day was negro day. SEAWEED At our house it is. TRACY Wait! Corny Collins is hosting an important Dance tomorr ow night, maybe if he saw me dancing like this with you hed put me on his show... SEAWEED Cool! LORRAINE Thatcould work... STOOIE & DUANE Yeaah! You can do it gir l! SEAWEED So how do you feel about detention now? TRACY Im a bad, bad girl who n eeds to be punished! (They all begin to dance) PRINCIPAL Smiling, laughing and d ancing in detention? Tracy Turnblad! Im putting you in Special Ed. TRACY Special Ed? What do you do in special Ed? STOOIE Musicals! ALL Wah-hoo!!!

SCENE 5: THE MADISON DANCE CORNY Hey there you young dancers! Im honored to be yo ur guest DJ here at PHP ... So with no further ado-do, lets do do some dancing. I ts the hottest dance arround and it was born right here in Baltimore! Whats it cal led kids! STUDENTS The Madison Dance! CORNY And where did you see it first? STUD ENTS The Corny Collins Show! CORNY Its Madison time! Go! (The music starts. They all start dancing) TRACY Hurry Seaweed! The dance has already started! SEAWEED A ll right but remember, you gotta dance with your crowd ans I gotta dance with mi ne. TRACY O look! Its the Madison, my favourite! SEAWEED You keep your eye on Cor ny. This could be your big chance! TRACY Then youd better keep an eye on me. CORN Y Now when I say hit it! Show me a big bad Baltimore box... Hit it! LORRAINE Why do we always have to dance at the back? SEAWEED I dont know... its just the way i t is. CORNY When I say hit it, take it to the basket! Hit it! Amber, who is your friend... shes like a breath of fresh mountain air! AMBER You got the mountain p art right! CORNY Now when I say hit it, lets take a drive doen Druid Hill... Hit it!! Hang a right... feed the monkey... hes in the back seat.

LINK Hey little darling... havent we met somewhere? TRACY Link Larkin actually sp oke to me. Ill never wash this ear again! (They continue dancing. Tracy is dancin g near Corny) TRACY Hi Corny! CORNY Hey Cupcake! Whats your name? TRACY (as she d oes the my name is dance) Im Tracy Turnblad. CORNY What else have you got hiding in those Buster Browns? TRACY Well... heres one I learnt in detention... its the Hott ies step. I use it to attract the opposite sex. SEAWEED Hey hey hey! Check her ou t everybody! (Tracy does the step, and everybody join in). LINK That girls as fre e as the wind. AMBER Everybody stop liking her! CORNY All right everYbody, lets t ake it home! Crazy! And that, Baltimorians, is how we do the Madison! Blackout. SCENE 6: TRACY AT THE CORNY COLLINS SHOW / TRACYS HOME CORNY Hey there teenage Ba ltimore! Youre just in time for The Corny Collins Show! Todays jam-packed edition will include Limk Larkin singins a special request Top 40 hit: It takes Two. So let the Party begin! (At Tracys Home)

PENNY Hurry Miz Turnblad! Hurry, Mr. Turnblad! Come see whats on TV. WILBUR Penny Pingleton, this better be important. PENNY It is! EDNA Oh no! Dont tell me your mother is on 8 oclock news... again. Last week she was claming there was an alien in her back yard. PENNY Oh no! I already put my grandmother inside the house. T his is something else... come! 6. NICEST KIDS IN TOWN (reprise) ALL Roll Call!! COUNCIL MEMBERS I'm Amber! Brad! Tammy! Fender! Brenda! Sketch! Shelley! I.Q. Lo u Ann! And I'm... Tracy! (All of the girls scream.) CORNY So, if every night you 're shaking As you lie in bed WILBUR, EDNA & PENNY Go Tracy! Go, go Tracy! And t he bass and drums Are pounding in your head Who cares about sleep When you can s nooze in School? They'll never get to college But they sure look cool Don't need a cap and a gown 'Cause they're the nicest Kids in town They're the nicest. Nic est They're the nicest, nicest They're the sugar 'n' spicest,

The nicest kids in... Kids in town! CORNY Yeah! And that was our dance of the we ek: The hottie, introduced to you by our brand new Council Member, Miss Tracy Turn blad. EDNA Oh! My word! Tracy! Live in our own living room! WILBUR I think Ive se en her before. PENNY And shes going to be a regular. EDNA Imagine, my little girl .. regular at last! PENNY Hi Tracy! Its me Penny! EDNA She cant hear you. (The pho ne rings and she answers it). EDNA Hello... yes, this is her childhood home... n o Im not her father. CORNY So lets wave a wistful bye bye to Brenda... see you nex t year. ALL Awwwww... CORNY ... and inaugurate the newest member of our council Tracy Turnblad! Cozy up to old Corny and tell is about yourself Trrrrace! TRACY Well, I go to Patterson Park High, I watch your show, and I do absolutely nothin g else. CORNY And if you were president, what would your first official act be? TRACY Well, Id make everyday Negro Day! VELMA & SPRITZER Whaaaaaat! (He runs off in terror, she follows him). CORNY So... what do you say kid! Looks like we migh t just have a hot new candidate for Miss

Teenage Hairspray! AMBER No, she cant be MissHairspray! Shes the before in the Metre cal diet ad, and Im the after... and afters always win! CORNY Amber... what a comed ian! So, Tracy, how would you like Link Larkin to sing s song just for you? AMBE R No! He cant because everyone knows that whenever he sings, hes singing to ME. Hes completely involved with ME... see? CORNY Right, so Tracy, tell us how would yo u like Link Larkin to sing s song just for you? TRACY Would I? Would I? AMBER Yo u people are ignoring the laws of nature! CORNY Link Larkin, our own Elvis, will now sing to the equaly blooming Tracy Turnblad his version of this weeks top 40 hit, It takes two. AMBER Mother! 7. IT TAKES TWO CHOIR ???, ???, ???, ???, ??? ??? , ???, ???, ??? It takes two ???.???, ???, ???.???, ??? Doo doo, wop! LINK They say it's a man's world Well, that cannot be denied But what good's a man's world Without a woman by your side And so I will wait Until that moment you decide LI NK & CHOIR That i'm your man And you're my girl That i'm the sea And you're the pearl It takes two, baby, It takes two

Doo doo - wop! LINK A king ain't a king Without the pow'r behind the throne A pr ince is a pauper. Babe, Without a chick to call his own So please, darling, choo se me I don't wanna rule alone Tell me, LINK & GUYS I'm your king And you're my queen That no one else Can come between It takes two, baby, It takes two CHOIR D on't you know LINK Lancelot had guinevere Mrs. Claus has old st. Nick Romeo had juliet And liz, well, she has her dick They say it takes two to tango Well, that tango's child's play So take me to the dance floor And we'll twist the night aw ay Just like frankie avalon Had his favorite mouseketeer I dream of a lover, bab e, To say the things 1 long to hear So come closer baby, Oh and whisper in my ea r TRACY (in anything but a whisper) Yeah! LINK TRACY That you're my girl I'm you r girl And i'm your boy You're my boy That you're my pride You're my pride And i 'm your joy I'm your joy That i'm the sand I'm the sand And you're the tide You' re the tide I'll be the groom Be the groom If you'll be my bride I'll be your br ide It takes two, baby, It takes two It takes two It takes two LINK

It takes two, baby TRACY & LINK It takes two CHOIR ...Two - oo - ???! SPRITZER N egro Day everyday? Thay chubby communist girl... I assure you. Controversy is no t what Ultra Clutch wishes to promote. CORNY Negroes and chubby girls buy hairsp ray too, Mr. Spritzer. SPRITZER Mrs. Von Tussle, how do you plan to handle this? VELMA I plan to start by firing him! CORNY You cant fire Corny Collins from the Corny Colins Show. VELMA Why not? They do it all the time on Lassie! CORNY MR. S pritzer. To keep the audience you got to keep up with the times. VELMA This shows fine the way it is. CORNY Bringing Tracy on is just the beggining. Ive got terri fic ideas for updating the show. SPRITZER Im getting one of my sick headaches. I need to lie down. (He leaves). VELMA So youve got ideas, do you? And going behind my back to put this no-talent fattie on the show is one of them? CORNY Damn rig ht Velma. Its time we put kids on the show who look like kids who watch the show. VELMA Not while Im producing it. CORNY Maybe its time to change that, too. VELMA Are you threatening me Collins?

CORNY Aw! You know me Velma! On the other hand, I could always take the show to channel 11. Blackout. SCENE 7: TRACYS HOME - CITY EDNA (tired from hours on the p hone) Yes. Thank you so much!... Im sure Tracy appreciates your vote for Miss Tee nage Hairspray. Yes! And she loves you too. Very much. Whoever you are. Goodbye! (The phone rings again). This is crazy. Hello? What am I wearing? A housecoat, scuffies and Supphose. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello? TRACY (bursting in ex itedly) Mama did you see? Did you see me? EDNA Of course I did. It was on televi sion. I had to. The phones been ringing like he was a telethon. To think, the fru it of my womb, a beloved TV icon. TRACY So you are not mad? EDNA Mad? How could I be mad? Youre famous! If youd only told me you was going to get on the show, I n ever would have said you couldnt. But sit... tell me, i fame all you thought it w ould be? Are you happy honey? TRACY Yes Mama, and I think Im in love. EDNA I know . Ive been following. But you and I are going to have a talk about boys. You can learn a lot from the mistakes of the women on soap-operas. (Phone rings). There it goes again. TRACY Hello? Yes... this is Tracy Turnblad. Hello Mr. Pinky. EDNA Mr. Pinky? THE Mr. Pinky? As in Mr. Pinkys Quality Clothes for Quantity Girls? T RACY You want to hire me as your exclusive spokesgirl and fashion effigy? (to Ed na) Whats an effigy? Thats very flattering, but I'm afraid all business must go th rough my agent... it would be our pleasure. Well be right over, Mr. Pinky. Goodby e! (She hangs up the phone). EDNA An agent! I dont know any agents. How about a n ice bail bondsman? TRACY Mother, put that thing down. I'm taking my new agent to Mr. Pinkys Shop, and then out on the town.

EDNA Who? Me Tracy Turnblad, fame has gone into your head and left you wacky. Ho n... Ill be right beside you, if thats what you want, and together we can claw you r way to the top. But cant we do it over the phone? I havent been out of this appa rtment since... since... Ive neer been out of this appartment! 8. WELCOME TO THE 60'S TRACY Hey mama hey mama, Look around Everybody's groovin' to a brand new so und Hey mama hey mama, Follow me 1 know something's in you That you wanna set fr ee So let so, go, go of the past now Say hello to the love in your heart Yes, 1 know that the world's spinning fast now You gotta get yourself a brand new start TRACY, DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Hey mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, o h, oh, oh Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go mama, g o, go, go! DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Hey mama Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah TRACY Hey mama, hey mama, Take my hand E DNA First let's make a pit stop At the wiener stand TRACY Hey mama, hey mama, Ta ke a chance EDNA Oh Tracy, it's been years Since someone asked me to dance

TRACY So let go, so, go of the past now Say hello to the light in your eyes Yes, I know that the world's Spinning fast now But you gotta run the race To win the prize TRACY, DYNAMITES &, ENSEMBLE Hey mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh . Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go mama , go, go, go! DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, H ey mama Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah (Tracy & Edna arrive at Mr. Pinky's H efty Hideaway as new fans besiege Tracy for photos and autographs.) DYNAMITES We lcome to the rhythm of a brand new day TRACY Take your old-fashioned fears TRACY & DYNAMITES And just throw them away MR. PINKY'S STAFF You should add some colo r and a fresh new "do" DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE 'Cause it's time for a star Who look s just like you! JUDINE Dontcha let nobody Try to steal your fun 'Cause a little touch of lipstick Never hurt no one KAMILAH The future's got a million roads Fo r you to choose But you'll walk a little taller In some high-heel shoes SHAYNA A nd once you find the style

That makes you feel like you Something fresh Something new DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Step on out Hear us shout TRACY, DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Mama, that's your cue!!! E NSEMBLE Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (Edna emerges from Mr. Pinky's Shop all brand new.) EDN A Hey Tracy, hey baby, Look at me! I'm the cutest chickie That ya ever did see H ey Tracy, hey baby, Look at us Where is there a team That's half as fabulous?! ( Tracy takes her turn in "Mr. Pinky's".) EDNA (& ENSEMBLE) I let go, go. Go of th e past now Said hello to this red carpet ride Yes I know that the world's spinni ng fast now Tell lollabrigida to step aside! EDNA & ENSEMBLE Your mama's welcomi ng the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh Oh your mama's welcoming the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go, mama, go, go, go! ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's O pen the door For the girl who has more, She's a star... Tracy, go, go, go! ALL Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh Oh mama, welcome to the 60's

Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh Go mama. Go, go, go! Hey mama welcome to the 60's KAMILAH Welcome to the "6", to the "0" To the apostrophe "s"! ALL Hey mama welc ome to the 60's (JUDINE riffs.) ALL Hey mama welcome to the 60's (SHAYNA riffs.) ALL Welcome to the 60's Go mama go, go, go! DYNAMITES Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh , oh. Oh, oh Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh Go mama, go, go, go!! SCENE 8: Dodgeball - Patte rson High School Playground. Link, Fender and their male pals warm up on the far side of stage. Amber, Lou Ann, and Shelley enter. Tammy enters wearing a wig de signed to make her look like Tracy. Amber stares. AMBER What is that supposed to be? TAMMY Isnt it the dreamiest? Its called The Tracy. Everyone whos anyone has one. GYM TEACHER Gather up, students. Brace yourselves for scatter dodge ball. AMBER Kathy Schmink told me she heard Tracy was seen with that horrible boy from the Chess Club SHELLEY I heard shes friends with another boy who is not on the Chess C lub ... yet. (Looks at Link). TAMMY Is is true she is in Special Ed? (Trying to change the subject).

AMBER Yup. Tracy Turnblah is a tramp and she is retarded. Thats right shes fast and slow at the same time! (she crosses to Link). Link Larkin, how could you kiss t hat oversized buffalo right on the air? LINK That didnt mean anything, Amber, it w as just a cool way to end the song. (Tracy, Seaweed, and the Special Ed kids arr ive). FENDER Hey, here they come! Special Ed! Special geeks! Geeks! LINK That ai nt cool Fender. GYM TEACHER Ha, ha! Special Ed! Ha, ha! TRACY (praying to herself when she sees Link) Oh Link, if fate forces you to throw the ball at me today, seal it with a kiss. SEAWEED Got a prayer for me too? This game can get pretty v icious. TRACY What is scatter dodge ball anyway? SEAWEED Its sort of like a prote st rally. Looks like a good idea until the police show up, then you better scatt er and dodge. PENNY Hi, Tracy. Sorry about your Special Ed-ness. But think of it as a testament to the recordbreaking extremes your hair has reached. Im so jealo us! Hello TRACY Seaweed, this is my friend Penny Lou Pingleton. SEAWEED Wait, Ive seen you before. At the gum machine! PENNY (proudly) I do two packs a day. SEAWE ED Hmm All that chewing must make the muscles in your mouth mighty strong. PENNY (blushing with pride) Not really probably just average. AMBER Well, well, well, T racy Tugboat you finally found a tittle you could win: Miss Special Ed!

LINK Knock it off Amber. TRACY Amber Von Tussle, you have acne of the soul. GYM TEACHER Students Commence! (And with a shrill whistle the game begins. Amber gets the ball and throws it at Tracy). AMBER Hey, thunder thighs, dodge this! TRACY You throw like a girl! SEAWEED Hey, no fair throwing at the head. GYM TEACHER Th ats right, go for his nuts! (The ball barely misses his head). LINK Everybody tak e it easy. This isnt World War Three! (Amber gets the ball away form Link and tak es dead aim at Tracys head) AMBER Says you! Eat dodge ball, Trampy Ton-o-lard! (S he snaps the ball right into Tracys head. Tracy crumples to the ground, knocked o ut. A whistle blows). GYM TEACHER Game over! (School bell rings) Class dismissed ! All right you stinky! If you take a shower before Christmas you get Extra cred it! (They leave). AMBER Poor Tracy. So tragic, I forgot to cry. Are you coming, Link? LINK Amber, that wasnt necessary. AMBER I said, are you coming, Link?

LINK In a minute. AMBER Ill be waiting under the bleachers. (She leaves. Seaweed. Tracy and Link are helping Tracy). PENNY Uh, oh, Tracy? Are you dead? SEAWEED I better go get the school nurse. PENNY Ill go with you. (They go off together, le aving Tracy and Link alone). LINK Tracy? Tracy, how you doin? Gee you are beautifu l when you are unconscious. (A bell tone identifies I Can Hear the Bells as Link s ays those words). TRACY Where am I? Link? LINK You better? For a second there it looked like Teen Angel time. TRACY Wherever I am, please, no one change the chann el. LINK Youve got a funny way of putting things. I like that. PENNY The nurse is out sick, but look what Seaweed found. SEAWEED Band Aids! PENNY Hes so nurturing . TRACY Oh, Link, this is my friend Seaweed. LINK How you doin? SEAWEED How you d oin?

PENNY (to Tracy) How are you doing? TRACY How do you think? I just got creamed i n front of the entire school. SEAWEED Hey, Trace, I know whatll make you feel bet ter. My moms hosting a party at our record shop on North Avenue. Wanna come check it out? PENNY I, too, feel not good. May I also come check it out? SEAWEED You surely may. TRACY Ive never been to North Avenue before. LINK Would it be safe up there for, you know, us? SEAWEED Dont worry cracker boy, its cool. TRACY What do you think Link? LINK I think getting to know you is the beginning of a whole lot of adventure. PENNY Imagine being invited places by colored people. TRACY It fe els so hip! SEAWEED Glad you feel that way, friends. Cause not everybody does. 8. RUN AND TELL THAT I can't see Why people look at me And only see the color of m y face And then there's those That try to help, god knows But have to always put me in my place Now I won't ask you to be color blind 'Cause if you pick the fru it Then girl, you're sure to find...

The blacker the berry The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so But darlin', what's the use? The darker the chocolate The richer the taste And that's where it's at... ...now run and tell that!! ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! SEAWEED Run an d tell that! ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! SEAWEED (& ENSEMBLE) I can't see Why pe ople disagree Each time I tell them what I know is true And if you come And see the world i'm from 1 bet your heart is gonna feel it too Yeah. I could lie But b aby. Let's be bold Vanilla can be nice But if the truth be told... The blacker t he berry The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so But darlin', what's the u se The darker the chocolate The richer the taste That's where it's at Now run an d tell that!! ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! SCENE 9: MOTORMOUTHS RECORD SHOP (The s cene shifts to Motormouth Maybelle's record shop dance party where her daughter Li'l Inez and her friends are already in full swing.) LI'L INEZ Hey, you're Trac y Turnblad! You're my favorite dancer on the Corny Collins Show.

SEAWEED This is my sister, Li'l Inez. TRACY Sure. I saw you at the auditions. LI 'L INEZ Well, you're the only one who did, 'cause they kicked me out on my young , gifted and black behind. SEAWEED Tell 'em about it! LI'L INEZ I'm tired of cov erin' up all my pride SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE So give me five on the black-hand side LI'L INEZ I've got a new way of movin' And I got my own voice SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE So how can I help But to shout and rejoice LI'L INEZ The people 'round here Can barely pay their rent They're "try'n to make dollar Out 'a fifteen cent" But we got a spirit Money just cant buy LI'L INEZ & ENSEMBLE It's deep as a river And soars to the sky!! SEAWEED, LI'L INEZ & ENSEMBLE I cant see The reason it cant b e The kinda world where we all get our chance The time is now And we can show th em how To turn the music up and let's all dance 'Cause all things are equal When it comes to love Well, that ain't quite true 'Cause when push comes to shove... The blacker the berry

The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so But darlin', what's the use The da rker the chocolate The richer the taste That's where it's at SEAWEED ...Now run and tell that!! ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! SEAWEED Run and tell that!! (The son g ends an Motormouth makes her entrance). MOTORMOUTH Theres platters of tunes and food on the table. What else would you expect from ALL Ms. Motormouth Maybelle! SEAWEED Mama, I brought some friends. MOTORMOUTH Whoop-dee-doo, what a coup! The ever sparkin Sir Link Larkin! LINK Always nice to see you, Ms. Motormouth. PENNY Im Penny Lou Pingleton and Im very pleased and scared to be here. MOTORMOUTH Youre welcome, kitten, to come and sit in. TRACY This is just so Afro-tastic. Can I s ay how thrilled I am to meet you, Miz Motormouth. Im Seaweeds friend, Tracy. MOTOR MOUTH Oh, yes, indeedy. Ive seen you, sweetie. All aglow on Cornys show. TRACY Gee , thanks. But Im only there because of your son. Why cant we all dance together li ke this on TV? MOTORMOUTH Think we havent tried? Weve pleaded, begged, and lied. W e pressured the mayor, petitioned the gov, and what did we get?

MOTORMOUTH & KIDS One day a month! SEAWEED Enough talk. We came to dance. Lets pl ay some hide and seek! (Music starts). TRACY. PENNY & LINK The dirty boogie! (Th ey start to dance when suddenly the door bursts open). AMBER Aaaaaaieeeeeee!! Li nk!! What are you doing in this huge crowd of minorities? LINK Trying to fit in. What are you doing? AMBER I waited for you under the bleachers until half-way t hrough the JV track meet, then I saw you getting on the North Avenue bus ad I fo llowed you here in my new car. LINK Were having a blast! Come on, jump in! (The d oor bursts open again) VELMA Aaaaieeeeeeee! Amber! Has anyone touched you? MOTOR MOUTH You all better hustle, heres Von Tussle. VELMA I saw you getting into your darling, new car, so I followed you in mine. Motormouth, are you brainwashing th ese children? MOTORMOUTH Theyre only dancing. TRACY Yeah! We are dancing. VELMA O h! I should have known youd be at the bottom of this barrel. (The door opens agai n ad this time Edna enters with a take out bag). EDNA Ooooooooohhhhh!!! Tray, th at was you I saw! Wilbur! It was the kids I saw! TRACY Mama, what are you doing here?

EDNA I had a sudden craving for chicken and waffles, so we drove up to Rubys Take -Out across the way. Hello everyone. Im Tracys mom. VELMA Oh! So you are what spaw ned that! EDNA Excuse me? VELMA I guess you two are living proof that the waterm elon doesnt fall far from the vine EDNA Tracy, be a dear, hold Mommys waffles. (Edn a takes a threatening step toward Velma as Wilbur enters). WILBUR All right! A p arty! Anyone for chicken and waffles? STOOIE If we get any more white people in here, itll be a suburb. VELMA Come on, Amber. Lets get back to the right side of t he tracks, if our cars are still there. AMBER Lets go, Link. LINK Amber, youre bei ng rude to these people. VELMA (as if to a dog) Amber, come! AMBER Link, come! ( he doesnt move). Link, come! LINK Amber, go. AMBER What ever happened to the blan d, dominated boy I fell in love with? Mother, come. VELMA With pleasure. (They l eave). EDNA I didnt care for them. LITTLE INEZ

Are all white people like that? WILBUR Naw just most. TRACY Well I know how we ca n start changing that. If kids saw us dancing together on TV, theyd realize that were not so different after all. We just want to have a good time. SEAWEED You sa ying that you and Link would be willing to dance with us on Negro Day? That woul d be earth shaking! LINK (getting nervous.) Tracy TRACY No. Were not going to danc e on Negro Day. LINK (relieved) Whew TRACY Youre going to crash White Day! MOTORMO UTH White day is everyday. Ya gotta get more specific than that! TRACY Is tomorr ow specific enough? Think: its Mother-Daughter Day. Motormouth, you work for the station. They could never turn you and Little Inez away. And once the two of you break the barrier, well all be free to dance on TV. SEAWEED Thats revolutionary. MOTORMOUTH Child, it aint that easy. What if they call the cops? People could get hurt. TRACY Then well all walk out together. Theres me. Theres Link and Im sure we can get the others. Without dancers, theyve got no show. MOTORMOUTH What a decisi on, your childs got vision. EDNA Weve always tried to teach her to do whats right. WILBUR And give correct change. LINK (pulling Tracy aside) Tracy, you cant do thi s. Youre new to the Council. Youll be thrown off the show for

sure. TRACY Thats why were all doing it together. LINK Not me. TRACY You dont think segregation is wrong? LINK I like these people. But wheter or not theyre on TV w ont get me a recording contract. (realizes this sounds too shallow) That camo out wrong. Ive been singing and smiling on that show for three years waiting for it to lead me to my break. Youve got everything: brains, talent, personality. Me? Ive got one chanc to get seen nationwide. Saturday night is everything Ive worked fo r. Im not gonna throw it away. Cmon, im leaving and you gotta too. TRACY No! I want to do this, and so should you. Its whats right. Stay Link. Please stay. LINK Sorr y. TRACY But you and me together, I was starting to think LINK Sure. But I dont kn ow. Its getting too complicated. And theres still Amber. See ya little darlin (He le aves). PENNY Im sorry Tracy. TRACY Oh mama how could I think Link Larkin would eve r care about someone like me? EDNA Why wouldnt he? Youre a beautiful girl. Its just like my soap opera!! TRACY Mama, dont tease. I really like him. Ive never felt an ything like this before. EDNA Just give him time. Im sure hell figure out hes crazy about you. WILBUR Tracy, he could be right. Should you risk your career? TRACY I never would have gotten on the show without Seaweed. No, its payback time.

WILBUR Thats my girl. TRACY Okay. So this is how were gonna do it, tomorrow, every one bring your mothers PENNY And sisters! TRACY And meet me around the corner fro m the studio and make signs! PENNY Yes! And put words on them! TRACY Ms. Motormo uth, you and Little Inez will walk in first. Me and Mama will be right behind yo u. EDNA Excuse me? TRACY Theyll never be able to throw them through the door with us blocking it! EDNA Im sorry, Tracy but Im too fat to appear on TV. MOTORMOUTH Yo u cant let weight restrict your fate! Look at me! Im on TV! 9. BIG, BLONDE AND BEA UTIFUL MOTORMOUTH Once upon a time Girl I was just like you Never let my extra l arge Largesse shine through Hair was brown and nappy Never had no fun I hid unde r a bushel Which is easier said than done! Then one day my grandma Who was big a nd stout She said you gotta love yourself From inside out And just as soon as I learned How to strut my funky stuff I found out that the world at large Cant get enough so...

Bring on that pecan pie Pour some sugar on it Sugar don't be shy Scoop me up a m ess Of that chocolate swirl Don't be stingy, I'm a growing girl I offer big love With no apology How can I deny the world The most of me I am not afraid To thro w my weight around Pound by pound by pound Because I'm Big, blonde and beautiful There is nothin' 'bout me That's unsuitable No one wants a meal That only offer s the least When girl we're servin' up The whole damn feast MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBL E Slice off a piece Of that hog head cheese Then take a look inside My book of r ecipes Now, don't you sniff around For something fluffy and light I need a man w ho brings A man-size... Appetite I'll use a pinch of sugar And a dash of spice I 'll let ya lick the spoon Because it tastes so nice I'll keep it in my oven 'Til it's good and hot Keep on stirring til it hits the spot Because i'm... Big, blo nde and beautiful And Edna girl, you're lookin' so Recruitable Why sit in the bl eachers Timid and afraid When Edna, You can be your own parade!

TRACY So? How 'bout it, Mama? EDNA Well, I am big, I am blonde... ish, and if yo u say I'm beautiful, I guess I'm beautiful. OK, I'll do it! ALL Yeah!!! (The sce ne shifts and protest signs are distributed) SCENE 9: TV STATION PROTEST ALL Yea aa! Look out old Baltimore We're marching in 'And we ain't shufflin' Through tha t old back door EDNA And Tracy, I will join the fight If I can keep up this pace WILBUR And girls, i'll be right at your side If I can find some space MOTORMOUT H So you can Hold your head up Just as big as ya please You know they'll hear me knockin' With the two of these! MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Tomorrow, side by side We 'll show the world what's right EDNA Looks like i'm touchin' up my roots tonight ! MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Then we'll be Big, blonde and beautiful It's time to fac e the fact It's irrefutable Can't ya hear that rumbling? That's our hunger to be free It's time to fin'ly taste Equality

(The Corny Collins Mothers and Daughters appear. The protesters march into the s tudio causing caos). COUNCIL MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS On mother/daughter day Where th in is in, We're white as wool MOTORMOUTH Well ladies, big is back! And as for bl ack, it's... MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE ...Beautiful!! MOTORMOUTH All shapes and size s, follow me EDNA Let's bust their chops! VELMA Quick, call the cops! MOTORMOUTH & PROTESTERS We're gonna dance our way to victory! DYNAMITES And get us on TV! PROTESTERS 2...4...6...8...TV'S got to integrate! COUNCIL MEMBERS Stay away! Thi s isn't Negro Day! DYNAMITES And get us on TV! (Police sirens wail. Whistles blo w. As the protesters continue their march, they are loaded into the addy wagon.) MOTORMOUTH You bet I'm big! EDNA (pulling on Velmas hair) This blond is gray! L INK Tracy, this was beautiful! MOTORMOUTH Big, blonde, and beautiful leads the w ay!

ENSEMBLE No one's getting on TV today! END of ACT I ACT II SCENE I - THE JAIL HOUSE 10. THE BIG DOLLHOUSE WOMEN I gotta get out I gotta get out I gotta get out How'd I get in this slammer This cooler This big dollhouse! MATRON Alright, ladies, welcome to the "Big Dollhouse!" For those of you new to the Baltimore Women's House of Detention, I'm letting you k now now that I don_t stand for boozing, doping, gambling, fighting or any other kind of unladylike behaviour. Think of me as a mother... one who eats her young! VELMA Locked up with all these lowlife women EDNA And horizontal stripes Ain't exactly slimmin' AMBER Is there anybody here Who can dry clean my blouse? MATRON It's the maid's day off ALL In the big dollhouse LI'L INEZ Lady justice, Where have you gone? EDNA ???, wilbur, check, I think I left the iron on!

VELMA Did you see Corny laughing? I could murder that louse! MATRON Honey, that' ll getcha life HOOKERS In the big dollhouse ALL Big house! VELMA Locked up here in the pen ALL Big house! AMBER No phone! EDNA No food! MOTORMOUTH No men! EDNA I need a burger delivery From my loving spouse MATRON Honey, just eat the mice! ALL Of The Big Dollhouse MATRON Exercise ladies! Come on let_s start, specially you, with those unslimming stripes! EDNA (to Matron) Yoo hoo, My stomach's a lit tle sour I haven't had food In over an hour MATRON You just had a pizza, Six bur gers, a mouse! ALL There's no food left In the big dollhouse

VELMA Hey, matron, I have got to complain HOOKER Mira, mami, don't I know you Fr om 1st and main? VELMA Eek, call my attorneys Lipshitz and Strauss I gotta get s prung From the big dollhouse ALL Big house! LITTLE INEZ No fair! EDNA No food! P ENNY No fun! ALL Big house! MOTORMOUTH And our fight had just begun 'Cause it's freedom's flame Velma'd like to douse So we must break out of this ALL Big Dollh ouse MATRON You do the crime, you gotta do the time! TRACY Penny, I can't take A ll this waiting I've lost my man Plus, my hair's deflating! PENNY Well Tracy, I hate to grumble or grouse ALL (screaming at Tracy) But it's your fault that we'r e in This big dollhouse!!

BEATNIK CHICK Hey, cool it, ladies No need to shout And don't ya got an old man To bail you out? VELMA Ha! Her daddy's a pervert, A loser, a souse! EDNA (pawing Velma) Well, it's just us girls In the big dollhouse ALL Big house! AMBER God, i'm too young to fry! ALL Big house! EDNA I'm busting out! MOTORMOUTH Girl, so a m I! ALL Lady justice, hear my plea 'Cause the big dollhouse The big dollhouse T he big dollhouse Ain't big enough for me! For me! For me! EDNA For me!!! (Song e nds). MATRON Recess is over! Time to pay your debt to society. Please keep in mi nd, tipping is permited. (She exits). EDNA To think I_d have killed to have crim inal record back when my mother was alive... she_d be so proud. Remember your gr andma was a defensor of women_s rights. TRACY Right. You haven't seen the last o f us, Mrs. Von Tussle. We_ll be marching again, and

soon, to the beat of a whole new era! VELMA Bang your drum, no one cares. Don't get anymore cute ideas about protesting or even showing up at the special. I'll have armed guards surrounding the Eventorium to make sure Tracy Turnblad doesn't get within 100 miles of that place. Game, set, match. (A Hungarian guard enters , with his assistant holding a clipboard). HUNGARIAN Sjkldnuoadhg njohfuosah aso jdfniousd! Ldkzfngoidh zjsdbuosdhbfuas! Ldfkhvodhfguoashfuaajsdbfouashdfuoashf! Alsdhfoauishfuoasdhfaadfja! Lkzxjnvzlsnvlzknzxlm! ASSISTANT Von Tussle, Velma? Vo n Tussle, Amber? AMBER That_s us. HUNGARIAN Lmc klhvv lkxhvoihvoiuv lkzniohvaoiv h! ASSISTANT Ladies you_re free to go with the sincere apologies of the state of Maryland and the personal compliments of the governor himself. VELMA The govern or? Really? Sweet, chubby Millard. We dated on and off in college. Now if you do uble wide twins will excuse me, I have a national TV Spectacular to produce. AMB ER I was never here. This never happened. Oh Tracy. Any message for Link? Place it on my lips, and I'll be sure he gets it. VELMA So long Balti-morons! (They ex it laughing). EDNA I still don't care for them. MOTORMOUTH I hear ya. Miz. T. Th is old jail got a whole lot nicer. (The guards reenter and unlock the cell door) . HUNGARIAN GUARD Skjbnosjdbnosdgnsdjfgba. Adojfgnodfghaoudfhguodf ksafjiuf asod jfhoifghoi dofihgosidfhgsdofu. ASSISTANT You've got a visitor. Bail has been pos ted.

MOTORMOUTH Thank the Lord for those who can afford it. WILBUR I posted bail. EDN A Wilbur! How? WILBUR Simple really. I mortgaged the Store. TRACY Oh Daddy!! EDN A But that place is your life! WILBUR You two are my life. Bail for everyone! Ba il for the house! You're free to go. (All the women go out of the cell. The Turn blads hang back). MOTORMOUTH The Turnblad gang are real good folks. They have th e heart, they get the jokes. MATRON All prisioners kindly turn in your tap shoes on the way out. WILBUR Shall we hurry up? MATRON Hold it right there. We're kee ping that crowd brain washer right here. WILBUR But I paid for everyone. I got a group discount. MATRON (reading from his clipboard) Change your cupon back on y our way out... cause here it says that: Miss Turnblad is herewith and forthwith withheld, without bail. She is to be moved to solitary confinement and held ther e until further notice by special order of the governor_s office. So, there. TRA CY The governor_s office? Mrs Von Tussle! Manipulating our judicial system just to win a contest is un-American! MATRON Don't make things worse. Move out peacef ully. Hurry... I'm growing old here. WILBUR I'm not going anywhere without my da ughter. TRACY

It_s ok, daddy. They can_t keep me here forever. Besides, I've gotta lot to thin k about. I might as well do it in solitary refinement. MATRON I'm counting to th ree and then I'm rearresting you all for illegal trespass. WILBUR Let_s go. We c an't do Tracy any good here. EDNA (To the HUNGARIAN and the ASSISTANT) Touch one hair of my daughter_s head and I'll be back to teach you a whole new meaning fo r split ends. (They leave. Little Inez, Motormouth and Penny reappear). LITTLE I NEZ Keep the faith, baby. MOTORMOUTH They haven't heard the last from us. PENNY You are so lucky to get out of the algebra final! (They all leave except Tracy). 11. GOOD MORNING BALTIMORE (Reprise) TRACY Oh, oh, oh I'm all alone My heart ha s grown But it's broken, too This morning Life was a Baltimore fairy tale Now I can't make bail! My mother's in shock My father's in hock I much prefer link's a rms To jailhouse cells So link, please rescue me now 'Cause I love you And this prison smells. Link, hear the bells! And get ready, Baltimore There's a bright, brand-new Day in store Let me out so this dream's Unfurled I'll eat some breakfa st, Then change the world!

And I promise Baltimore Once I cha-cha right out of That door The world's gonna wake up And see Link's in love with me! SCENE 2: TRACY'S HOME Wilbur and Edna ar e at home later that day. Wilbur is busily working on a Jumbo Hairspray Can Mode l. Edna is on the phone. EDNA Hello? Yes Mr. Pinky. Yes, of course I understand you have an empire to protect. Yes. I'll return the outfits. The pettipants too. I scarcely wore them twice... but Mr. Pinky, she_s just a little girl and littl e girls make mistakes. If they didn_t... Where would other little girls come fro m?... Yes, I understand... it is too bad... Goodbye. (She hungs up). Oh Wilbur, I think I_m going mental. WILBUR Ok... I'm closing up now... EDNA Oh, Wilbur, my stomach_s in knots. I bought a double box of Candy, and they_re still in the bo x. WILBUR Calm down sweetheart. EDNA I can_t calm down. There are names for wome n who abandon their daughters who_ve gotten themselves arrested for trying to in tegrate an after-school television show. Yes, there are names, and Hallmark does n_t make a card for any of them! WILBUR You can_t worry about people calling you names. You know how many times I've been called "crazy" ? But I say, "Yeah, cra zy! Crazy like a loon". Anyway, we haven_t abandoned Tracy. In fact, I got just what she needs here, stand back. (The gigantic can explodes) What do you think? Isn't this great! EDNA Impressive, but how is it gonna help our Tracy? WILBUR Yo u_ll be surprised. EDNA Oh, sure!... You are a visionary inventor saving the day . Tracy_s a teen idol reshaping the world, and what am I? I had a dream too you know. I used to make my own clothes, remember? I always dreamed one day I would own my own line of queen sized dress patterns. WILBUR You were good, Edna.

EDNA Yeah? And where_s it gotten me? Twenty years later I'm still washing and me nding and ironing everyone else_s clothing. WILBUR One day, Edna. EDNA No day, W ilbur. My time_s come and gone. I'm a worn out pair of bobby sox, and the elasti c is all stretched. Oh, Wilbur, I suddenly feel so... old. The music starts. WIL BUR Nonsense, doll. You_re as spry as a slinky. Whenever I'm near you is like gr abbing hold of a giant joy buzzer. 12. (YOU'RE) TIMELESS TO ME WILBUR Styles kee p a changin' The world's re-arrangin' But Edna, you're timeless to me Hemlines a re shorter A beer costs a quarter But time cannot take what comes free You're li ke a stinky old cheese, babe Just gettin' riper with age You're like a fatal dis ease, babe But there's no cure So let this fever rage Some folks can't stand it Say time is a bandit But I take the opposite view Cause when I need a lift Time brings a gift Another day with you A twist or a waltz It's all the same schmaltz With just a change in the scenery You'll never be old hat That's that! You're t imeless to me EDNA Oh, Wilbur! Fads keep a-fadin' Castro's invading! But wilbur, you're timeless to me Hairdos are higher Mine feels like barbed wire

But you say i'm chic as can be! You're like a rare vintage ripple A vintage they 'll never forget So pour me a teeny weenie triple And we can toast the fact we a in't dead yet! I can't stop eating Your hairline's receding Soon there'll be not hing at all So, you'll wear a wig While I roast a pig Hey! Pass that geritol Gle nn miller had class That chubby checker's a gas But they all pass eventually You 'll never be passe Hip hooray! You're timeless to me (They dance.) WILBUR Oh! Ed na, baby, dance for me! EDNA Oh Wilbur! You make me feel like a girl again! WILB UR Oh honey show them the bumper! EDNA Oh honey, I think my bumper_s stuck in ne utral... WILBUR Oh don_t brake it... we may need it later! EDNA What do you thin k of this dance big boy? WILBUR Uhhhhh! Yes, yes yes, way to go baby! EDNA You'r e like a broken down chevy All you need is a fresh coat of paint WILBUR And Edna , you got me goin' hot and heavy You're fat and old, but baby, boring you ain't! WILBUR & EDNA Some folks don't get it But we never fret it 'Cause we know that time is our friend

It's plain to see That you're stuck with me Until the bitter end And we got a ki d Who's blowin' the lid Off the Turnblad family tree EDNA You'll always hit the spot Big shot! You're timeless to me WILBUR You'll always be du jour Mon amour Y ou're timeless to me EDNA You'll always be first string WILBUR Ring-a-ding-ding! WILBUR & EDNA You're timeless to me EDNA Oh baby, I love how you sing to me... EDNA You're timeless to me WILBUR Oh baby, your dance was the best! WILBUR You'r e timeless to me EDNA I know, honey... Yours too... WILBUR & EDNA You're timeles s to me!! SCENE 3 - TRACY_S JAIL CELL & PENNY_S BEDROOM (Link enters) LINK Tracy ? Where are you? It_s me. Link Larkin. From the show. TRACY Link! Over here!

LINK Shhh! The guard's asleep. Gee, you look beautiful behind bars. TRACY It mus t be the low-watt instutional lighting! Link what are you doing here? LINK Oh, T racy. Seeing you dragged off to a jail brought me back to my senses. I thought I 'd lose it when I thought I lost you. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sing. I couldn' t even concentrate. TRACY You couldn't eat? LINK No, so I went down to the stati on to tell Mrs. Von Tussle I was through with the Miss Hairspray broadcast... TR ACY You did? LINK I didn't. When I got to the station I overheard Mrs. Von Tussl e talking to Spritzer. Tracy, it_s Amber the talent scouts are coming to see. It had nothing to do with me. All this time I thought Amber and I were a team. I f eel such an idiot. TRACY That makes two of us. LINK I know a palooka like me isn 't worthy of a ground-breaking extremist like you, but... (He produces his ring) It's a little scuffed from Amber throwing it in my face when I told her I'd rat her be with you. TRACY You did? LINK I did. So would you consider wearing my rin g? TRACY Would I? Would I? LINK To lose thee were like to lose myself. Some kid named Milton wrote that in the thirdfloor boy's room. TRACY That's beautiful. (S he puts on the ring). I have a good lofe: great parents, my own room, 3 sweaters , plus a learner_s permit good through August. But you know what I've been missi ng, Link? LINK

I think I do. (They try to kiss). Trace, they can keep us from kissing, but they can't stop us from singing! 13. WITHOUT LOVE LINK Once I was a selfish fool Who never understood I never looked inside myself Though on the outside, I looked g ood! Then we met and you made me The man I am today Tracy, i'm in love with you No matter what you weigh 'Cause... LINK (& ENSEMBLE) Without love Life is like t he seasons with No summer Without love Life is rock 'n' roll without A drummer T racy, I'll be yours forever 'Cause 1 never wanna be Without love Tracy, never se t me free No, I ain't lyin' Never set me free, Tracy, No, no, no!! TRACY Once I was a simple girl Then stardom came to me But I was still a nothing Though a tho usand fans may Disagree ENSEMBLE Tracy!! TRACY Fame was just a prison Signing au tographs a bore I didn't have a clue 'Til you came banging on my door TRACY (& E NSEMBLE) That without love Life is like my dad without his bromo Without love Li fe is making out with perry como!

Darling, I'll be yours forever 'Cause I never wanna be Without love So darling, throw away the key LINK & TRACY I'm yours forever TRACY Throw away the key LINK, TRACY& ENSEMBLE Yeah, yeah, yeah! (Scene freezes, we see Penny's house at the other side of the stage) PRUDY Penny Lou Pingleton, you are absolutely, positively, permanently punished. This one's for being willful. This one's for being deceitful. This one's for being neglect ful. And this one's for crying "wee, wee, wee" all the way home. (The phone ring s) Why is it everytime you tie your daughter up, the phone rings? (She exits jus t as Seaweed appears in the window). SEAWEED (climbing in Penny's window) Psst P enny! What happened?! PENNY (strapped into bed) My mother's punishing me for goi ng to jail without permission! SEAWEED Well, I'm here to save the fair maiden in her tower. PENNY Oh, Seaweed! You do care! I was worried it was just a lonely t eenager's forbidden fantasy. SEAWEED From the moment I saw you, I knew that even the colors of our skin couldn't keep us apart. But... this knots are something else. PENNY Hurry, Seaweed! SEAWEED Living in the ghetto Black is everywhere ya go

Who'd 've thought i'd love a girl With skin as white as winter's snow PENNY In m y ivory tower Life was just a hostess snack But now I've tasted chocolate And i' m never going back (He sets her free) PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE 'Cause without love SEAWEED Life is like a beat that you can't follow PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBL E Without love PENNY Life is Doris Day at the Apollo PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE Darling, i'll be yours forever 'Cause I never wanna be Without love SEAWEED So d arling, never set me free PENNY & SEAWEED I'm yours forever Never set me free PE NNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE No, no, no! (Lights comes on in the jail again. We can see both couples a once). LINK If you're locked up in this prison, trace I don't know what I'll do TRACY Link, I've got to break out So that I can get my hands on you SEAWEED And girl, if I can't touch you Now I'm gonna lose control PENNY S eaweed, you're my black white knight

I've found my blue-eyed soul SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE Sweet freedom is our goal LINK T race, I wanna kiss ya! TRACY Then I can't wait for parole! TRACY Oh Link. I've g ot to get out of here. If we only had some hairspray and a Zippo lighter, we cou ld make a blowtorch! LINK I've got a Zippo lighter! And uh... I've got hairspray too. (He produces it from his jacket, embarrassed) TRACY Link! What a special n ight! Your ring! And your very own blowtorch! (He torches the door. She gets out ) LINK Oh Tracy! TRACY Oh, Link! PENNY Oh, Seaweed! SEAWEED Oh Penny! PRUDY Oh m y God! Colored people in the house. I'll never sell it now! ALL 'Cause without l ove SEAWEED Life is like a prom that won't invite us ALL Without love LINK Life' s getting my big break and laryngitis

ALL Without love PENNY Life's a '45' when you can't buy it ALL Without love TRAC Y Life is like my mother on a diet ALL Like a week that's only mondays Only ice cream never sundaes Like a circle with no center Like a door marked "do not ente r!" Darling, I'll Be Yours Forever 'Cause 1 never wanna be... Without love PENNY & LINK Ys now you've captured me ENSEMBLE Without love SEAWEED & TRACY I surren der happily ENSEMBLE Without love PENNY Oh seaweed ALL Never set me free PENNY & SEAWEED No, no, no TRACY & LINK No, I ain't lyin' PENNY & SEAWEED Never set me free ALL No, no, no No, I don't wanna live without PENNY

Love, love, love LINK Yeah, yeah, yeah ALL Darling, you had best believe me, Nev er leave me without love! SCENE 4: MOTORMOUTH'S MOTORMOUTH It's a mess out here. GIRL Good night for a jailbreak. LORRAINE Ms. Motormouth, look! Now it was on c hannel 2! They said that Tracy Turnblad has escaped from prision. They think she was helped by Link Larkin. It_s everywhere on the news! MOTORMOUTH Lord have pi ty! It_s a crazy city! Who_s at the backdoor? (Seaweed enters with Penny) MOTORM OUTH My baby! And... Penny, is it? PENNY Yes maam. LITTLE INEZ Seaweed's got a g irlfriend! SEAWEED Is it ok I brought her home? I had to get her away from her l ooney mama. MOTORMOUTH I never mind love, it_s a gift from above. But be careful , cause there's a lot of ugly coming at you... PENNY It's okay. My mother's gonn a kill me anyway. LORRAINE No, she won_t. She_ll kill him. (There's a knock at t he door) LINK Hey, Miz Motormouth. We broke Tracy out of jail.

ALL Yeah, we heard! It's on TV. TRACY The jailbreak was easy compared to getting a cab to this side of town. MOTORMOUTH Well, we gotta get busy. Only 24 hours t ill Miss Hairspray, and it_s gonna be on National TV. We may never get another c hance like this. And this time we'll start by getting Corny and the gurds at the studio to help us. PENNY Maybe your dad could help too. Sometimes he has ideas. TRACY No... I've got to turn myself in... ALL No! TRACY I can_t put any of you in any more danger. My daddy could lose his shop, Link, you could go to prision, and Penny... your mother will kill you! LORRAINE No, she will kill him! DUANE I hear you. Besides we already tried it and it didn_t work. TRACY Anyway, this ti me it won_t be like yesterday. Mrs Von Tussle said there_ll be armed guards at t he Studio. PENNY With arms. TRACY Someone could get shot STOOIE And for what? Ju st so we can dance on some silly show? MOTORMOUTH Hold it! Nobody said this was gonna be easy! If something's worth having, it's worth fighting for. Tracy why d id you start all this in the first place? TRACY I just think it's stupid we can' t all dance together. MOTORMOUTH So you tried once and you failed. We can_t get lazy when things get crazy! 14. I KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN

MOTORMOUTH There's a light In the darkness Though the night Is black as my skin There's a light Burning bright Showing me the way But I know where i've been The re's a cry In the distance It's a voice That comes from deep within There's a cr y Asking why I pray the answer's up ahead 'Cause I know where i've been There's a road We've been travelin' Lost so many on the way But the riches Will be plent y Worth the price we Had to pay There's a dream In the future There's a struggle We have yet to win And there's pride In my heart 'Cause I know Where i'm going And I know where i've been MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE There's a road We must travel T here's a promise We must make 'Cause the riches Will be plenty Worth the risk An d chances that we take There's a dream In the future There's a struggle We have yet to win Use that pride In our hearts To lift us up

To tomorrow 'Cause just to sit still Would be a sin ENSEMBLE I know it, I know i t I know where i'm going MOTORMOUTH And lord knows I know.. Where i've been MOTO RMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Oh! When we win, I'll give thanks to my god 'Cause I know wher e i've been SCENE 5: MISS TEENAGE HAIRSPRAY CORNY And now, live, from the certif ied up-to-code Baltimore Eventorium... ...for the first time ever on nationwide television... it's The Corny Collins Spectacular... COUNCIL GIRLS He's Corny!! C ORNY ...brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray! 15. (IT'S) HAIRSPRAY CORNY (& ENSEMBLE) What gives a girl Power and punch? Is it charm, is it poise? No, it's hairspray! What gets a gal Asked out to lunch Is it brains, is it dough? No, it' s hairspray! If you take a ride With no can at your side Then your flip will be gone With the wind But if you spray it and lock it, You can take off in a rocket And in outer space

Each hair will be in place Why take a chance When you get up and dance If you tw ist, I insist You use hairspray And tell your mother Her head she should smother With "ultra-clutch" faithfully So if you're a redhead, A blonde or brunette Jus t take my advice And you might just get The only thing better than hairspray COR NY That's me! ENSEMBLE Ska-doo-dle-e-ya Doo-dle-e-ya do wah CORNY Forget the mil kman The only thing better than hairspray ENSEMBLE Hairspray! Wow! CORNY That's me! CORNY & ENSEMBLE What makes a man Reach out and touch? Ultra clutch! CORNY & ENSEMBLE So if you're a redhead, A blonde or brunette Just take my advice And y ou might just get CORNY The only thing better than hairspray That's me! ENSEMBLE Ska-doo-dle-e-ya Doo-dle-e-ya do wah COUNCIL GIRLS He's Corny Collins!

CORNY The only thing better than hairspray ENSEMBLE Hairspray! Wow! CORNY That's me! ENSEMBLE Ska-doo-dle-e-ya do wah Ska-doo-dle-e-ya do wah! Do wow! CORNY "He y, baby, you look like you could use a stiff one!" BRENDA Ska-doo-dle-e-ya-do do wah!!!! (A man in a hat and a fake nose enters pushing a gigantic hairspray can . Velma approaches suspiciously.) VELMA And we_re off for network commercial. Wh at the hell is this?! WILBUR Product placement. The sponsor insists. VELMA What a relief. We needed a little something there. Don't I know you? WILBUR Honest Ve lma, I'm a total stranger. (Velma whips off his hat and nose to reveal Wilbur) V ELMA You! WILBUR Damn! VELMA Guards! Riot Squad! Come here...pronto!! (Seaweed a nd 3 boys dressed as guards run in from the aisle) What is this? Some kind of Tr ojan Horse? What_s inside? If your daughter's hiding there she'll rot in there. Guards, if anybody touches that can... open fire! MOTORMOUTH (Dressed as a guard ) Understood Maam.

WILBUR You win Von Tussle this time. You're one clever woman... I'll say that. V ELMA Get out!! (Seaweed exits up the aisle) And coming back to Corny on camera o ne in 3... 2... CORNY And now for the talent portion of the competition. The fin alists present a dance of their own creation. Amber Von Tussle and Tracy Turnbla d are neck to neck. Even though Tracy can_t be here, our rules say that the cont estant has to dance to win. Ready Amber? AMBER Ready as a bunny in Easter. Tracy Turnblad, this song is about you... 16. COOTIES AMBER They came from way far ou t In outer space And with her help They may destroy the human race AMBER & GUYS She's got cooties! GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER They've found a place to nest GUYS She 's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER If I were her i'd be depressed Long tailed , sharp nailed Fuzzy legs, laying eggs "Eww, get 'em away from me, get 'em away from me ... ewww!!" In science class She's like a walking show-and-tell Her pet skunk ran away 'Cause it couldn't take the smell

GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER Nobody want to sit by her GUYS She 's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER She don't need a coat 'Cause she's got fur ! Circle, circle, ALL Dot, dot, dot AMBER Hurry, get your cootie shot! "Come on everybody, let's stamp 'em out!" GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER S he's just as friendly as can be GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER Sh e shows them cootie hospitality GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER Sh e's like a living "twilight zone"

GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER Quick, get rod serling on the phon e! AMBER Black, white, red, green AMBER & ENSEMBLE Every color in between AMBER Dresses like a circus clown AMBER & ENSEMBLE Somebody oughta hose her down AMBER Grew up in a cootie zoo I bet her two-ton mama's got 'em too! "And that's for y ou!" Thank you ladies and gentlemen, and kids. I'm now ready to consume the titl e of Miss Teenage Hairspray (Spritzer carries the crown and the bouquet). CORNY Just to be sure, I think we_d better check the board. (The board shows Amber is the winner bya a few votes). SPRITZER Yes, Amber Von Tussle is the winner. AMBER What did I tell you? Give me the crown, give me the flowers, and everybody star t bowing! (Tracy and friends enter through the aisle). TRACY Not so fast, Amber. Look who's coming through the front door. CORNY Right on schedule! I mean... I know nothing about this complex plan. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the never to be counted out Tracy Turnblad! 17. YOU CAN'T STOP THE BEAT (Part 1)

TRACY You cant stop an avalanche As it races down the hill You can try to stop t he seasons, girl But ya know you never will And you can try to stop my dancin' f eet But I just cannot stand still 'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'ro und And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound I was lost til I heard the drums Then I found my way TRACY & LINK 'Cause you can't stop the beat Ever sinc e this old world began A woman found out if she shook it She could shake up a ma n And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it The best that I can today 'Cause you cant stop The motion of the ocean Or the sun in the sky You can wonder if you wanna But I never ask why And if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in your eye an d say That you cant stop the beat! (Penny appears onstage transformed into a hot teenage tigress.) TRACY What do ya' have to say, Penny? PENNY I am now a checke rboard chick! You can't stop a river As it rushes to the sea You can try and sto p the hands of time But ya know it just can't be And if they try to stop us, sea weed, I'll call the n - double-a - ? - p! 'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round. SEAWEED 'Round and 'round PENNY

And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound SEAWEED Speed of sound PENNY I was lost till I heard the drums Then I found my way PENNY & SEAWEED 'Cause you can't stop the beat PENNY & SEAWEED, TRACY & LINK Ever since we first saw the li ght A man and woman liked to shake it On a saturday night And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it With all my might today 'Cause you cant stop The motion of the oc ean Or the rain from above They can try to stop the paradise We're dreaming of B ut they cannot stop the rhythm Of two hearts in love to stay 'Cause you cant sto p the beat! (The guards reveal themselves). TRACY Get her! Amber, this is my dan ce, and it's dedicated to everybody! CORNY Everyone, look... look at the scorebo ard! (It shows Tracy is the winner). VELMA & AMBER No!! AMBER It's wrong! It's j ust so wrong! LITTLE INEZ Hand over that crown, honey! AMBER You_ll have to rip it from my cold dead hands! LITTLE INEZ That will work. TRACY You can keep you c rown, Amber. I have my heart set on something a lot more

important. LINK Would that happen to be me? TRACY Of course you, Link. But I als o want a graduate degree in musicology with a minor in Ethnic studies, ans I als o want to be the first one to say "The Corny Collins Show is now and forevermore officially integrated! CORNY America look up!Here_s history right before your e yes. Television will never be the same. SPRITZER This is marvelous. The phones a re going crazy. Even the governor called. He's enjoying the show so much that he granted a pardon to Tracy! You cannot buy this kind of publicity! Velma, you're a genius! VELMA I am? Yes. I am. SPRITZER I'm about to launch a new line of pro ducts and I want this woman to head the campaign! VELMA (curiously) I just don't know what to say... SPRITZER It comes with offices, a company car, and a huge s alary! VELMA (hopefuly) I just don't know what to say... SPRITZER Velma... you'r e the newly appointed Vice President of Ultra Clutch, beauty products for women of color! VELMA (stupified) I just don't know what to say... SPRITZER And now Am erica would like to hear you kids sing our new theme song. I think I can get you a recording contract! LINK My big break! (Prudy appears) PRUDY Give me back my daughter! I know you_ve got her. I saw her on TV. Penny, I cn hardly recognize y ou...

PENNY I'm a pretty girl, Mama. PRUDY And you look so happy. I can't say it's wha t I want... but if this black boy is responsible for the light in your eyes, the n how could I object? (They embrace). CORNY Live Television! There's nothing lik e it... LINK This may not be the right moment since we're on national Tv and all , but Tracy... if I don't kiss you now I'm gonna die! (They kiss). WILBUR That's my girl! VELMA Before I get completely sick... could you tell me what is in thi s can? WILBUR My masterpiece. (The huge can explodes and reveals Edna) EDNA So.. . what did I miss? I_ve been stuck in that can since lunch... I wouldn't ruh in there after me if I were you... TRACY Mama! We did it! We're on National TV! EDN A National Television? America, I made this myself! 18. YOU CAN'T STOP THE BEAT (Part 2) EDNA You cant stop my happiness 'Cause I like the way I am And you just can't stop my knife and fork When I see a christmas ham PRUDY So if you don't l ike the way I look Well, I just don't give a damn! EDNA , PRUDY & ENSEMBLE 'Caus e the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round

And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound I was lost til I heard the dru ms Then I found my way EDNA & WILBUR & COMPANY 'Cause you cant stop the beat Eve r since this old world began A woman found out if she shook it She could shake u p a man And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it The best that I can today 'Cause yo u cant stop The motion of the ocean Or the sun in the sky You can wonder if you wanna But I never ask why And if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in your eye and say That you cant stop the beat! EDNA Wilbur, be a dear and get me my ox ygen... NOW! (Motormouth steps forward and removes her helmet) MOTORMOUTH (to Ve lma) Step aside, Miss Buttercup... it's time to wrap this mutha' up! Oh, oh, oh, You can't stop today ENSEMBLE ...No! MOTORMOUTH As it comes speeding down the t rack ENSEMBLE O?? ??? ???, child, yes MOTORMOUTH Child, yesterday is hist'ry ENS EMBLE Be gone! MOTORMOUTH And it's never coming back

ENSEMBLE Look ahead MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE 'Cause tomorrow is a brand new day MOT ORMOUTH And it don't know white from black ENSEMBLE Yeah! MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE 'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound I was lost til I heard the drums Then I found my way 'Cause you cant stop the beat ALL Ever since we first saw the light A man and woman lik ed to shake it On a saturday night And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it With all my might today 'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from a bove They can try to stop ths paradise We're dreaming of But you cannot stop the rhythm Of two hearts in love to stay You can't stop the beat! Aah, aah, aah Aah , aah, aah Aah, aah, aah Come on, you von tussles Go on, shake your fanny muscle s VELMA & AMBER We can't! ALL Yes, you can! VELMA & AMBER No, we can't! ALL Yes, you can!

VEIMA & AMBER Yes, we can...!!! ALL You can't stop the beat VELMA & AMBER Ever s ince we first saw the sun It seems von tussle girls are always Tryin' to please someone But now we're gonna shake and shimmy it And have some fun Today! ALL 'Ca use you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above They can try t o stop the paradise We're dreaming of But you cannot stop the rhythm Of two hear ts in love to stay 'Cause you can't stop the beat! You can't stop the beat!! You can't stop the beat!!! THE END